Quite a number of people have sent me the New York Times article last week about the new breed of demanding brides – brides that demand botox, teeth whitening, and identical spray tans from their bridesmaids. Thank you all. It’s an interesting read. But, my response to this article might not be quite what everyone is expecting.
Here is the deal: I actually do not think that women are this crazy. Yes, yes, of course, there are some demanding Upper East Side women who demand botox of their bridesmaids, but for goodness sake, these people probably make their doormen walk their dogs. And as much as I love the New York Times, they know how to write shocking copy and to spin weird New York occurrences into trends taking the nation by storm. Everyone has a story about a bride who made all her bridesmaids wear horrible poofy orange dresses that cost a thousand dollars, and then screamed at them for the whole wedding – those women are out there. But there is something else that is out there too, and that is the ever-growing Bridezilla myth that stalks the land.
I’ve gone on record as saying I hate the word Bridezilla, and I’m going to do it again. The term Bridezilla is an offensive, anti-feminist, throwback. I think that as weddings have grown ever more elaborate, self-centered, and out of control, we’ve developed the myth of the Bridezilla to dump the problem on. Brides are not dashing about behaving like nincompoops because they are unstable and narcissistic, as a rule. Brides are dashing about in a frenzy because the ever bigger empire of weddings is stressing people out, and giving people a new impossible target to try to hit. How can you skip the aisle runner and the ornate table arrangements (and the perfectly botoxed skin) if you feel like everyone is going to judge you on it? Women feel like now they not only have to have the perfect job, and the perfect fiancé, they have to have the perfect wedding.
So – my attack on this problem has been two fold. One, I realized really quickly that I needed to be really vague when people asked me about my wedding. The minute I’m introduced as the fiancé, people turn to me and say “Oh, when is the big DAY? How is the planning? Are you stressed out?” The answer is “It’s next year, it’s going really well, and no I’m fine. Can I have a drink?” And two, I started this website, to try to perpetuate healthier wedding goals for myself. A few months later, it turns out I’m not alone. Thank you all for helping me to feel so whole-heartedly that most people planning weddings are sane and delightful.
As for the New York Times, now that they’ve found all the women in the country who are botoxing their bridesmaids, perhaps they should find all the women in the country who are working full time, planning a lovely low-stress wedding, and involving their partners in the planning? I suspect you’ll find there are more of us then them.
Thanks Meg! I hope you sent this in to NYT editors!
July 29, 2008 8:36 pm
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I bought a slew of wedding magazines when I first got engaged, and then I found bridal blogs. I bought another magazine recently (and I hadn’t even read one in a good 3 months) and it seemed SO over the top and botox level of ridiculous. Its too bad they don’t take into account the rest of the people who (at least used to) want to read these and get USEFUL info out of.
July 29, 2008 8:37 pm
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I thought this article was ridiculous. My bridesmaids would be offended (and think I was crazy) if I tried to get them to have Botox injections. They’re all in their thirties and they’re beautiful and confident the way they are. I suppose they are just fanning the crazy bride flame.
July 29, 2008 9:07 pm
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This is so true, thanks for writing. I’ve been wondering why everyone makes such a fuss about weddings- it’s really not that hard. My fiance and I are planning it together and I’m also working full time, applying for graduate school, training for a half marathon, and still living my life. It’s only as stressful as you make it.
July 29, 2008 9:39 pm
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I am SO with you re the term ‘Bridezilla’. It is so counterproductive and in my opinion just creates a viscous circle of people feeling they can’t talk about their wedding for fear of being a bridezilla and then ending up even more stressed out by the planning process.
No matter how calm you are as you plan your wedding I think people call you a bridezilla from the second you get engaged.
July 30, 2008 3:38 am
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Cheers to you. I’m trying my best to be as sane as possible, but you’re right. It’s the nature of the industry to make us all look like crazy people when we’re trying to make everything impress other people. I’m planning a small budget wedding and it’s hard when people expect certain things (like ornate centerpieces and aisle runners) that I think don’t really add anything to the day except extra expense. You should make an audio tape of this so I can listen to it in my sleep. Maybe then I will calm the heck down about it all! haha
July 30, 2008 6:14 am
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Meg–I love your blog! It is a breath of fresh air in another wise crazy world of pressure–that is applied, as you rightly say, by the industry. Thank you thank you thank you. I am with jessica–can I get a recording of this in my sleep??
July 30, 2008 6:31 am
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Your blog always brings me back down to earth when the wedding industry begins to stress me out all over again! Thank you for writing this. It needed to be said!
I want my day to be about me and my husband-to-be and the commitment that we are making to one another. It’s so easy to lose track of that 25,000 times in one day when you are constantly inundated with spend more/do more messages. (Has anyone seen The Knot TV when you sign into the msg boards?!?! I swear there are hidden messages throughout the entire thing saying, “You better go buy this, do this, provide this, etc.” I start to go nuts everytime it comes on!!!)
July 30, 2008 6:43 am
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I tried to reclaim the word bridezilla (very similar to the c-word in Vagina Monologues)… it wasn’t happening. People just hold onto a word and put their expectations and opinions on it. I agree, Zoe, it is just incredibly counterproductive, even when I was trying to use cheap humor to lighten the situation.
Also, something that you mentioned was that partners are now planning the wedding together. FI has been very involved in planning, but because of his summer job, he’s been living in a hole where communication is impossible, so I am stuck in the last couple of months doing the grunt work to get it done. Not a big deal, but so many people, including my future mother-in-law, say, “Oh, well, do whatever you want, honey, it’s Your Day.”
Except, I’m not marrying myself. I might need to just blog this one, because I’m going to end up stealing your blog from you. ;)
July 30, 2008 6:45 am
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It amazed me how many people seem so scared of being labeled a bridezilla. On a messageboard it seems that every other post is something asking if doing this or not doing this makes them a bridezilla (and 9 times out of 10 it’s something really banal like not having a runner).
Another word I loate, tacky. I hate hate hate it. It’s just a way for people to wail on other women and try to pump up their own self esteem by claiming something they saw was tacky. It’s a bloody opinion, stop acting like this is the playground and you’re 10.
July 30, 2008 6:57 am
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Three CHEERS for You and keeping a sane brain! I swear, every time I tried on a dress (in one of those fancy NYC bridal salons) and they said “How much weight do you plan to lose before the wedding?” I packed up my things and moved on to the next salon. I used to lay awake -many a night- worried about the fact that people would judge our choices for our “perfect day” and if something went not as planned that they might think we meant it to happen that way. It is seriously insane the pressures that are put upon the couple (especially the bride!)
July 30, 2008 6:59 am
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“bridezilla” is a horrible word that needs to be banished, but like all other horribly offensive words, perhaps the brides should reclaim it or morph it into what it really is: A lot of the wedding planning stress is related to other peoples’ expectations for your wedding, and so changing it into “momzilla,” “guestzilla,” and “bridesmaidzilla” seems to be more descriptive of what’s really going on. Plenty of moms, guests, and fathers have unreasonable expectations for other peoples’ weddings and it’s time they took responsibility for blaming it all on the brides, who are just hoping to have their own day the way they want it.
July 30, 2008 7:24 am
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Good post. I agree. I also don’t have much to tell people when they ask how the wedding planning is going. We booked everything we could and are focusing on living together and building our relationship. People don’t want to hear about that. They want to hear that you are going crazy picking a venue/caterer/florist/anything, just so that they can laugh at what a “bridezilla” you’ve become.
July 30, 2008 7:36 am
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Yeah. Its a common trick this whole scapegoating women thing. For example, racism + decrepit school system + no living wage jobs + no affordable housing = welfare queen. misogyny + mulitmillion dollar machinery of the WIC + NYT = bridezilla.
July 30, 2008 8:02 am
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I hate the idea that under every reasonable woman is a bridezilla just waiting to go crazy. I’ve heard people say of newly engaged friends “Don’t turn into a bridezilla” or “You aren’t going to go bridezilla on me, right?” I’ve even gotten a couple comments to that affect myself… and what can you say, HELL NO! Actually, now I’d just point them to this post :)
July 30, 2008 8:27 am
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The only two stresses I’ve encountered in this whole shebang is the budget (I’m cheap… spending money always hurts) and the stupid PITA coordinator that comes with our caterer. Food is #1 and this caterer is fantastic, so I have to live with this woman. She shoots down most ideas and pressures me to second guess everything else. Even though we’re going to do what we want, it’s annoying to spend these stupid meetings defending our choices. Last meeting: she was freaking about how we need (NEED, mind you) a DJ and $2000 lights. Because an iPod, speakers, a well-spoken friend for the occasional MCing thing, and hanging the damn lights ourselves is absolutely unacceptable. Plus, she was ranting about how we NEED to be working with wedding professionals. Ugh. People like that take the fun out of wedding planning.
July 30, 2008 8:33 am
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Go Meg!
July 30, 2008 8:58 am
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I swear, the closer I get the wedding, the more I lose tolerence for any other wedding blog but yours. I used to be really into wedding bee because of all the different prespectives and the fact that it’s update frequently, but now I can’t read it without wanting to tear out my hair. I recognize that every bride is going to have something that’s important to them, but honestly ordering 15 different pairs of BLACK heels off Zappos so you test drive which ones your bridesmaid should wear at wedding?! It’s so mean to make them spend money on something I can almost gurantee they already have! The details can be fun but one is going to notice all this stuff we drive ourselves crazy over.
July 30, 2008 9:08 am
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I couldn’t agree more. I seriously despair some days, asking myself “where have all the feminists gone?!”
I realised reasonably quickly that I needed to be vague about the wedding… I will be passing on the nugget of wisdom to my little sister the minute she gets engaged!
One full-time-employed, partner-involved, low-stress lovely bride saluting you here Meg…
Well done!
July 30, 2008 9:16 am
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Amen, sista!
July 30, 2008 9:22 am
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You’re so bitchin’. How do we not hang out more?
If Owen ever proposes, you’re planning my wedding. :)
July 30, 2008 9:36 am
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I was warned not to become a bridezilla 2 hours after I got engaged. I’ve been paranoid ever since. I love your blog and this post is a breath of fresh air. Thank you.
July 30, 2008 11:36 am
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beautifully said. thank you for being my touchstone of reason in the big messy world of weddings.
July 30, 2008 11:52 am
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great post. Well said. THANK YOU for being one of the few sane voices out there.
July 30, 2008 12:34 pm
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I have stayed away from wedding magazines to focus on blogs like this one, thanks Meg! Um, what’s and ornate centerpiece?
July 30, 2008 2:52 pm
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Ok “hate the game not the bridezilla” is a good maxim. But seriously, there are some pretty uncomfortable quotes in the NYT article – e.g. persuading your future MIL to get botox for your wedding could be a pretty touchy thing to do. Being a mindless hostage of the Wedding Industry Complex is still a *choice*, no?
July 31, 2008 1:40 am
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Can I get an AMEN?!
Simply and concisely put, thank you!
July 31, 2008 4:06 am
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I just got married a month ago and the wedding went great, no not perfect, but we are happily married and it was a wonderful time in the end. While I loved the wedding, the planning was pretty lonely and stressful for both of us. It was difficult to sort through all the options and “must haves” to find what we would like as a couple and what we really didn’t care about. And worse to weather people’s Bridezilla comments, regardless of how little I really cared about most of the details. I wish I had found your blog earlier but even reading it now is comforting. Thanks so much.(sorry so long)
August 1, 2008 11:52 am
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Thanks for this. I had already e-mailed the article to my bridesmaids with the subject ‘bridesmaid’s duties’ to make them laugh. They know that they are not even going to have to pay for their shoes.
We are also English so the idea of teeth whitening and botox is a little alien anyway, let alone for a wedding. I do want to recognise everyone on the day!
Love the blog though Meg.
August 4, 2008 1:58 am
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Until you have been a bridesmaid for a Bridezilla, I don't think you can comment. I have been living and breathing my friends temper tantrums almost every day for the past five months. I think elaborate, sentimental weddings are utterly overrated. If nothing else, this experience has made me truly desire a wonderful life, not just one wonderful day.
September 16, 2009 4:08 pm
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Just came across this while digging through the archives. (APW is my new favourite wedding-related site, by the way.)
It strikes me that the whole Bridezilla notion could be started by the WIC as a form of anchoring for brides-to-be. What’s anchoring? “This dress costs $5,000? Oh, but at least I’m not (flying to Korea for plastic surgery/ buying two $10,000 gowns/ fill in the blank). I guess that’s OK.”
November 14, 2011 7:40 pm
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