And without further ado, the fabulous Marie-Eve (who's wedding graduate post you'll remember from back here):
When Meg asked me to write a guest post on what it is to be a wife AND a mother, I was a little intimidated at first. Juggling the two roles is simply my reality, and therefore I live it more than I think about it. But then I understood that this was precisely what Meg, and perhaps other Team {life} Practical readers who aren't parents yet and keep hearing scary things about it, could use: just a concrete example of how you *can* manage both, without sacrificing anything in the process‌
To tell you the truth, I couldn't believe the negative press children had. Fearing the unknown, fearing losing yourself or your connection with your spouse is one completely understandable thing (I can remember thinking that not that long ago it seems), but parents warning non-breeders that kids are so HARD and take SUCH A TOLL on your relationship that they seize everything from you? Give me a break. Why have them then? Because we're masochists?
Kids are sometimes hard, on you, and on your marriage. I'm not denying that. They change your life, and your perspective, and perhaps a few of your priorities, and instantly order a "new normal". It's up to you to view this as a good thing or a bad thing. But that's all there is. They don't rob you of your personality, your goals, your dreams. They don't take away the love between two adults and the foundation they previously built. They don't provide all the answers to life and fulfill everything. They don't correct your flaws, and don't provide magical solutions to imperfect relationships.
Instead of focusing on what they take from you, I suggest we talk more about what they give to you. This is not a parenting blog, so it's not really the place to go on and on about how incredible it is when they put their little hand in yours and smile at you, although it is of course partly about that. But the thing is I feel that even outside my direct relationship with my son, becoming a mother brought me so much as a person, and as a life partner. I'm bolder, for one thing, more assertive in many ways. All my life I had struggled with persistence, but all of a sudden it stopped being so hard for me. It made me so much more dedicated, and prompted me to get involved in several causes, because just thinking about it simply wasn't enough anymore. Above everything, it emphasized the need to strive for balance and have it together, which, in turn, made me more serene. And of course the love for my husband and my son played a part in that, but it's mainly because that's the person I chose to become, for myself before anything else.
My husband and I never thought that becoming parents would set us apart, but rather enrich our life and our own relationship. Having LP was a major factor of growth and change, and it tested us somewhat, pushed our own limits, and called us to redefine our roles. We know now that we need to be patient with each other, and forgiving, and argue better. We need to see the bigger picture. We need to teach through example more than through words. We're responsible for our son forging his mental image of a loving, equal relationship. Raising a child together is a big part of our marriage, but not all of it. We don't have as much alone time as we used to, for sure, but that doesn't mean we care less. We do set occasions and outings, but mostly feel totally comfortable with making the most of, even embracing our current situation instead of trying to fight it. We're happy as clams all together, feeling wonderfully silly and blessed. We never stopped traveling, because believe it or not it is very possible to do so with kids -with minimal adjustments, or leave them with their grandparents once in a while! We thrive through this parenting journey we embarked upon, both trivial and awe-inspiring. We try to steal away little couple moments here and there, and never stopped flirting. I would have never guessed before, but I am actually much more in love with my husband now that I see him as a father, because that's a touching, real side of himself that otherwise would have never been revealed to me.
Continue reading Team {life} Practical: Marie-Eve in Montreal
And with that, I'm off. New Years is my favorite of all holidays because it's the time of year I'm able to cultivate a sense of quiet. I write lists, I make goals, I start baby projects, I think. So we're off for some frenetic and wonderful holiday celebrations, and then a long quiet week in San Francisco: taking walks, visiting museums, watching movies, being married. All that with a little bit of dreaming and doing.
