As my wedding approaches, I've decided to introduce a new blog feature. I'm calling it "the list." If you are a bride, you are in the possession of at least one wedding list. I'm looking at mine now, as published by a major bridal publication. I thought, before these lists gave us a collective nervous breakdown or a full blown anxiety disorder, we should discuss it. You know, as a group. Because I'm not sure what is more ridiculous: the items on the list, or the fact that they break down every item into 55 silly steps, making you think that buying your shoes will take a month of your time. I plan to only be in love with the person I'm marrying at the wedding, not the person I'm marrying and my shoes and my dress and my caterer and the favors and the DJ and the best-bridesmaids-dresses-ever andandandandand....
I'm on the "4-5 months before" page. Here is a short list of my recommended activities for the month:
* Book the rehearsal dinner venue (it's a welcome picnic in our case, and the meadow is reserved. Also, can I point out this is not obligatory?), and the venue for the day-after brunch (No. No, no, no. The day after the wedding is my time. I'll be doing exactly what I please.)
* Checking on the wedding invites (ok, this actually seems fair)
* Select and order a cake - attend several tastings (really, several??)
* Get "showered" (I will be, but that's not on *my* list, I just show up. Also? Totally not required. But anyway, list points out I should do this now, because they have PLANS for me in the coming months, and I will not have free time. Any free time.)
* Purchase shoes and start dress fittings (really? Does purchasing shoes take months and deserve it's own line item? And how hard is it to make a dress fit? Anyway, since we made mine, its going to fit. I do need to sew on some lace though. And make a veil. But these items don't seem to make the list.)
* Make sure to insure your engagement ring. (First of all: any ring worth so much I had to insure would be part of a down payment on a house (or a boat, fun!))
* Schedule hair and makeup artists. Make a few trial appointments with local experts. Take photos so you can remember exactly how you looked. Go out to a fancy dinner after each trial. (A Few? Ok. At this point I'm starting to wonder if they are aware I have a job, and a non-wedding life. Suddenly they are booking up every moment of every weekend. Also, this is getting unbelievably expensive, and we haven't even hit the wedding yet.)
* Choose Songs. Songs for when the wedding party is introduced. Songs for during dinner. Songs for getting the party started. Keep a running list of songs you do and do not want played. Are you OCD? If not, become OCD. (See, this is nervous breakdown material. Apparently I need to hire a Hollywood pro to write a multi-hour soundtrack. Ack. Ack.)
*Grooms: Give all of the groomsmen the information they need to buy and/or reserve their attire. (Um, we told them suits. Do we need to walk them to the store? Whattheh*ll.)
* Brides: Choose your bridesmaids' accessories (shoes, gloves, etc.) and either purchase or pass along purchasing information (Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Gloves? Right.)
* Brides: Experiment with your beauty routine, self-tanners, and facials. (Wait. Excuse me. Full stop:
DID I JUST GET ASKED TO TRY OUT SELF TANNERS? Girlfriend, please.)
* Plan welcome baskets for guests. A few ideas: a detailed itinerary, a list of restaurants in town, transportation options, locally produced gourmet foods, a hand drawn (really!??!) map of local attractions, a sweet smelling candle to freshen the room. (are you effing kidding me? What now I'm a travel agent too? I can't assume that my guests are full grown adults who can figure out how to take a bus and find a restaurant. Sweetbabyjesus. Why did I even sign up for this?)
*Make or buy favors. Allow extra time for custom-made favors (i.e., chocolates in a preprinted box). (Well, I don't even need to comment on this. Favors send me into a blackout rage period. But wait. Wait. A PREPRINTED CHOCOLATE BOX? Why did I even bother with those six cake tastings if I'm just serving chocolates? GARRRRR!)
And just wait till next month. The three month list will require me to quit my job, get some heavy duty anxiety meds, and hire a wedding planner. It should be good times.
Yesterday Erika had this to say about the infamous check lists: And when you login to the Knot it tells you "you have 93 items due this month" or whatever. Gawd, it is THE WORST. Total blackout. So, please, share. What it the most ridiculous thing on your "wedding checklist"?
Hilarious – as I tell our brides, planning your wedding shouldn’t be a full time job (unless you use that wedding list of course!)
April 2, 2009 5:02 am
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I’m so glad I found your blog, this made me laugh so much! Welcome baskets for your guests indeed… :)
April 2, 2009 5:07 am
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That list is insane!
My magazine list has 6-9 months and then down to 3. But the things on it don’t really apply to our wedding: book florist – that would be me, order wedding cake – um I’m making that, book caterer – yes me again, book first consultation with hairdresser and makeup artist – ok so ring my sisters and get them to come experiment on me!
I am hand drawing a map though… but only cause it’s cheaper.
April 2, 2009 5:13 am
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ewwwww these lists
April 2, 2009 5:35 am
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What the eff?!
Self-tanner=no no no.
And thank you for releasing us from the day after brunch thing. Isn’t the wedding supposed to be the party? At the day after brunch thing, everybody is just tired and awkward.
And I can’t believe the lists tell you to develop OCD. Bad on so many levels.
April 2, 2009 5:41 am
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It’s like you’re reading my mind. Every time I see these lists I want to shout out in laughter. Ludicrous!
That’s exactly the kind of thing that makes me firmly believe brides are “programmed” to go crazy!
April 2, 2009 5:50 am
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I think the point with shoes is that you do want to have them before attending dress fittings – not that it will take you months to obtain shoes. This is because before the bridal shop charges you $500 to hem and alter your dress, they need to know what length to hem it to, for which you do need shoes. I will say that alterations can, for most people, wait until a month before – unless you know you will be making difficult alterations.
Why the hell is insure your engagement ring on the 4-5 month list? It should be the first thing you do, if you feel the need for it. For us, insurance was the compromise – I didn’t want anything valuable because I was afraid to lose it. He wanted to get me a “nice” ring with a real diamond – so I said fine, but only if we insure the hell out of it.
Right now the oddest thing on my checklist is “announce your engagement” like in the local newspaper. We changed our Facebook statuses to “engaged” which I think has us covered. Does anyone actually read engagement announcements besides people in our parents generation?
April 2, 2009 5:53 am
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HAAAA! You’re hilarious!
are you effing kidding me? What now I’m a travel agent too?
:D *cracking up in the office, getting funny looks*
I love how you’re reclaiming the day after. Good for you.
April 2, 2009 6:00 am
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HA. This might be my favorite wedding blog I’ve ever read.
April 2, 2009 6:01 am
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Hands down, the stupid “hair and makeup trials” (trialS? Plural? Really, list?). First off: I have chin-length hair. I am not growing it out for the wedding. Ergo, all I’m going to need that day is a nice shampoo-and-style, no elaborate updos required. Second, I live 2000 miles away from my wedding location. Am I really supposed to plunk down $300 for a plane ticket just for a hair trial? Yeesh. I just called my mom’s favorite salon and booked appointments for me and the bridesmaids who said they wanted them. Done and done.
April 2, 2009 6:24 am
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The way people describe me when they’re trying to be nice is “anal retentive.” I live for lists. I need lists in order to avoid those “What seriously important thing am I forgetting about?” moments. But, I am (maybe only a little bit) sane, so I tend to just use those checklists where I can cross out the things that I know that I don’t need. Of course, I haven’t started the actual planning yet, but when I do, it’s to lists that I will turn. :)
April 2, 2009 6:31 am
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Great post, really puts things into perspective. I think these lists can be a great guide so that you don’t forget something but the way they are worded does nothing but stress out brides who are probably already pretty stressed out.
And as for day after brunches, I’ve never understood the point of them. As a guest the last thing I want to do after a night of drinking and dancing is get up early, put on another nice outfit and make coherent conversation.
April 2, 2009 6:35 am
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What makes me sad is that this is the Real Simple list (I’m using it, too).
April 2, 2009 6:39 am
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Yeah when I first saw the list I almost had a heart attack. Then I went searching for a “parred down” list and found out… THAT WAS THE PARRED DOWN LIST. whoa. Where’s my brown paper bag?! The worst part is logging into your wedding site and seeing the countdown and items on your list side by side. “You have 127 days until your wedding, and 568 taskes to complete.” Say WHAT?! Apparently you aren’t supposed to have a full time job, a part time job, a hobby, or family and friends to see during this period.
I love you Meg.
April 2, 2009 6:46 am
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Thank you for bringing up the “welcome bags.” I find the whole concept totally crazy. I have never even been to a wedding that had these. What, I have to buy more stuff? Cute manicure sets and breath mints and crap? And organize it all? And the bag itself should also be cute and original and match my theme and colors? Puh-lease, who has time and energy for this? I guess if you’re super DIY and crafty it could be fun, but no guest expects this.
April 2, 2009 6:48 am
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I wouldn’t know what the weirdest thing on my checklist was, I haven’t looked at it in about 6 months. It wasn’t just anxiety inducing, but like you note, it did not apply to what I was doing in ANY WAY.
I just had drinks last night with a friend who recently got engaged, and just set the venue and the date for her 2010 wedding. We were talking over some of her ideas and she said, “You know, I think this will be ok and I’m not too worried about how I’m doing it. But that’s because I don’t really know what you’re supposed to do anyway.” She’s a smart, organized, polite woman who is capable of getting her wedding shit together without some website freaking her out about doing it “wrong”! And this is why she is sane.
I, too, have an inordinate amount of faith that I am capable of planning a fun party without someone who had a total inability to prioritize telling me what I need to do with every ounce of my spare time.
April 2, 2009 6:49 am
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I love the blog and when I go through my “I CAN’T HANDLE ANY MORE WEDDING BLOGS OR ANY MORE ‘PERFECT DETAILS’” this is where I come. And this is the first time I’ve been a little “meh” about a post. I think some of the stuff on the list is overboard too. But this is a post that makes me feel like I’m not indie enough or cool enough, or DIY enough. I’m not a “Platinum Weddings” bride, but I’m no “Backyard Wedding” either. I’m somewhere firmly in between. Yeah yeah, when the Knot tells me at month 11 I should be thinking of a creative way to ask my flower girl to be in the wedding and begin making the children’s coloring books, I am “buzzz…thanks for playing, Knot.” But I can take the lists with a grain of salt and say “No thanks, I purposefully eliminate that for being extraneous for US and OUR wedding. But thanks for bringing that to my attention.”
Still love the blog! Just wanted to weigh in. You can take this with a grain of salt. :)
April 2, 2009 6:57 am
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I seriously think I found the Practical Wedding at the right time. I had a few bridal blackouts but reading your posts keeps me in check. ;)
I sometimes wish life had a checklist like the Knot… I would be a lot more productive ;)
April 2, 2009 7:06 am
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I remember scrolling through the long lists of things I *should* be doing and just thanking my lucky stars that I wasn’t one of those girls.
However, to be fair, one of my best friends is one of those girls, and she really enjoyed planning her mega-wedding (on top of her high power job and jam packed social calendar), so I guess I’d have to say- to each her own.
April 2, 2009 7:11 am
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favors!!! ack! We are not doing them. I can do something else with the money.
As for ring insurance… My ring is only worth $4k but I’d die if I lost it! We had it added to the homeowners insurance and for what little it costs monthly? So worth it!
April 2, 2009 7:22 am
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i think i’m going to be the unpopular one here and say that i disagree with two points (but the rest are pretty much hilarious!):
1) i think for many brides it’s important to insure the ring. My fiance and I are in grad school with absolutely no income. Even though he only spent about $2300 (only?) on my ring, that represents A LOT of his assets. If something were to happen to it, I’d be crushed and wouldn’t get a replacement. The insurance on it is well worth the peace of mind.
2) i’ve been to a wedding with a welcome bag and i LOVED it. It just had two cookies, a bottle of water, and a breakdown of timing. The extra effort really really made me feel special. I totally intend on including a map and some ideas of local hot spots. Most of my guests aren’t even remotely local… sure, it’s not NECESSARY to have them but sure is nice.
but like you said in an earlier post, each gal has gotta do what’s right for her.
April 2, 2009 7:25 am
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“Compile packages for out-of-town guests with hotel reservation and city information, and mail them out.”
-What? This is on top of the guest baskets the list tells us to provide. Are they serious?
“Sit for your bridal portrait, if you decide to get one.”
What the hell is a bridal portrait and why on earth would I need one?
Stupid lists, great blog.
April 2, 2009 7:26 am
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I love hoe there are three seperate list items for getting the same thing done, like:
1. Start thiking about doing something, 2. Plan on doing something, then 3. DO SOMETHING! Geez louise!
April 2, 2009 7:40 am
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The idea of putting my bridesmaids in gloves makes me giggle.
I do find the lists helpful, but I have no qualms about crossing the things off that don’t apply. My FH uses rememberthemilk.com for all of his to-do lists, so we added the things we care about to a list there, with jobs assigned to him or me. We’re also adding the more detailed things to it, like “buy soda”, that have to happen much closer to the wedding.
But I agree, the knot list is crazy, and the one you posted is crazy, too.
Oh, someone said something about never having gone to a wedding where you got a gift bag – I hadn’t until last year, and I have to say it kind of rocked. We showed up at the hotel and got snacks and a mini bottle of champagne. :) If I had a billion $$ for our wedding I think we would do them for our guests. But we don’t, so we aren’t, and I’m sure they won’t notice.
God, I feel like I just pooped on your whole post, and that totally wasn’t my goal….
April 2, 2009 7:44 am
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Oh gawd, this was great. I’ll have to go home first before I can scrounge around my mags for some lists for you. I am pretty sure I have one where it eventually goes to 1 week before the wedding, 3 days before the wedding, the night before, etc… Talk about panic onset!
April 2, 2009 7:44 am
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“Are you OCD? If not, become OCD.”…how ridiculous! These people really need to calm down. I’ve been reading some other websites as I’m trying to help my friend plan her wedding…I think she put it best by saying: “Despite the fact that these are websites and presumably created after 1973, they feature some of the most archaic, schmaltzy advice ever.”
April 2, 2009 7:50 am
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Hey Victoria,
I don’t actually check these lists on a regular basis at all. But, I think they are part of this cultural pressure that makes brides nuts, and as such totally open to satire and discussion.
Plus, I don’t know that I’m that “indie,” really. I think a lot of this stuff is nuts (but the things I care about don’t have to be the things you care about). Anyway, while we are doing the wedding our way, we’re still, having a wedding with catering and dancing and etc, etc. So, I really to don’t think we’re super alternative. I feature backyard weddings, because I think they are sane and practical and inspiring, but I feature non-backyard weddings too. I mean, we are in no way having a backyard wedding, just a relatively sane one.
And, I must point out, everytime I do a sassy post like this, I do get some backlash. But sassy is needed some days, and sassy should not be taken 100% seriously. Ever. That’s the nature of satire.
Carry on girls!
Meg
April 2, 2009 7:57 am
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Ha! You crack me up. I’m about 13 months out now–just got engaged 2 weeks ago–and I’m loving your list.
Why wait until you’re four months out to insure your ring? Shouldn’t you do that as soon as you get it?
Also…yeah, I’m keeping a list of songs, but we have a bit of an eclectic taste so there are a lot of songs a normal DJ wouldn’t think to have/bring… I actually started it last fall when I attended a wedding with cool, unique music I wouldn’t have thought to play. Best wishes!
April 2, 2009 7:59 am
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See, I like the lists, ESPECIALLY when they are from the big-time magazines. That way, I get to cross off more things! And crossing off feels good right? So just use that fancy list, and cross off all the things you WON’T be doing, and it’s instant progress. The list shouldn’t stress you out, but it does help give ideas if you want to do a little something ‘more’ for your wedding.
Sometimes when I read your blog it makes me feel stupid for wanting to do things like welcome baskets for my out of town guests. However, I know that’s not your intent. I’ll get over it.
April 2, 2009 7:59 am
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Oh, and full disclosure: my ring is insured. It cost $5 to add it to my renters insurance, so, I did that. I just think adding to a endless to do list is just part of creating enormous cultural anxiety. Blergh.
April 2, 2009 8:00 am
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what’s on my list right now?
linens.
no, not linens for the tables, bed linens.
Our wedding is at a summer camp, and I have to figure out some way to keep our guests warm at night! (I’m thinking of hi-jacking the soup kitchen)
April 2, 2009 8:01 am
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I agree these lists are out of control. And as much as I love Martha Stewart Weddings, seeing those weddings with a hundred perfect coordinating details are anxiety-provoking.
But I’ve got defend the out of town welcome idea. For out of town guests, I think some sort of something is in order.. I went to a destination wedding last year, and kinda missed having a welcome letter and/or itinerary. I didn’t even know what day or time the wedding was on! it doesn’t have to be more than a letter, printed and given to each guest.
April 2, 2009 8:01 am
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The one that threw me for a loop was getting a physical exam and blood test for the marriage licence… I think my list must be from ancient times. In Canada, you never have to do this (I think you may still have to in some states).
There are also instructions to create and print a program for the ceremony. Really? It is not a convocation with a valedictorian and honorary doctorates… it is 20 minutes of officiated love.
Also “Hire the limosine….” I love how it is so definitive. Like there is no other way to travel.
My other favourite is “Decide where to live after the wedding”…. Umm, in the same place we are living now! Like I want to be apartment/house shopping on top of work, life, and wedding stuff.
Again, I think the list I stumbled upon is really old. I have crossed out many, many categories.
April 2, 2009 8:04 am
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Wow. I wish I had found your blog months ago. I’m getting married April 18 (t-minus 16 days), and I think this would have been such an encouragement months ago. Still, I think I’ve navigated the WIC fairly well on my own. But it would have been nice to have kindred spirits.
I printed out one of those lists at the very beginning, but once I started crossing off the things that didn’t apply, I found that I was better off making my own list. In fact, like you’ve mentioned before, the best thing has been to completely avoid anything wedding-related online or in print. I’ve looked at one magazine briefly, and searched through a few websites for some centerpiece ideas.
April 2, 2009 8:09 am
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These “sassy” posts ARE needed. Because they create discussions like this! You don’t really get good stuff like this on The Knot message boards…not that I read them or anything… :P
April 2, 2009 8:16 am
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Chelsey-
You’re getting married on my Biiiiirrrrtttthhhhdddddddayyyyyy!! Yay!
Also, all-
If you want to do out of town gift bags, do them, please. It’s not even like I’m against them. We considered it, but I doubt we will, mostly because David put his foot down at it being “just too much” which I totally feel. Anyway, please, this is all for the sake of argument and discussion. Same with favors. I particularly dislike them, because they are all dressed up in this fake etiquette and tradition thing (and they are neither), but if you are into doing them, who cares, do them! Just don’t feel like you have to. Think of my dislike of them as a counterweight to all the sites that tell you they are a ‘must.’
Meg
April 2, 2009 8:32 am
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I was reading in a “list” to stop drinking coffee the month or more before the wedding, as to not stain your teeth for your wedding.
I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the last month of to-dos without some caffeine! As you said, maybe if I quit my job.
I don’t even know who thinks up these tiny, tiny details! It is craziness!
April 2, 2009 8:37 am
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I’ve been engaged about 3 weeks now and all this stuff the WIC churns out has me so fed up with the entire process that instead of planning a wedding for Spring 2010 (like I first thought), I’m planning one for Summer 2009. I figure if I only have 4 or 5 months I don’t have time to get as annoyed with all this crap. All I want to do is be married and have my family around when I do it…why the hell must it be so complicated…sheesh!
April 2, 2009 8:37 am
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You are hilarious. I’m working with a check list from Offbeatbride.com and it is keeping me sane because it doesn’t make each thing seem like this huge decision.
April 2, 2009 8:41 am
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Allie, they can have my coffee when they pry my mug from my cold, dead hands. I will have to give up caffeine when I get pregnant, but until then, I have no intention of quitting!
April 2, 2009 8:50 am
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I always wonder about the poor brides that are spending the equivalent of a full time job’s worth on these lists. What happens to you AFTER the wedding is over? There are no lists of things to do (except thank you notes to write). What a let down some of them must experience.
April 2, 2009 8:51 am
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Just popping back in about the guest bags. I’m sure that they can be a nice gesture, and I’m sure some people do appreciate them. They just kind of drive me crazy because they seem like one more thing you *have* to do. And I have the strong suspicion they are an invention of the WIC and didn’t exist as part of wedding culture 20 years ago. Which doesn’t make them inherently bad, it just makes the wedding lists longer.
April 2, 2009 8:55 am
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Having washed my hands and hair of the wedding five-ish months ago, I have nothing on my “list.” Just wanted to say that I love this blog and I love Meg. Sweetbabyjesus you totally made my morning.
April 2, 2009 9:09 am
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ah… lists. i love them, but take a truckload of salt with me when i read the wedding-related ones.
as someone who’s never planned a wedding, looking over a few of the ‘timeline lists’ before delving into the planning was helpful. i needed them to help me figure out what i did and didn’t need to worry about (or do at all). and okay, i admit it, i *love* crossing off the things i’ve done.
a brief comment on the welcome bags. i’m doing this for each guest (my fiance thinks i’m a little nuts). but here’s why… everyone (only 2 people [out of 100+] of our guests live in the town we’re getting married in) will be traveling. for us. to celebrate with us. most have never been to the town, so i wanted to welcome them and thank them for coming. it’s not necessary at all (and if everyone lives in the town, seems kinda silly), but i am excited to put the effort and sweat into making it happen. i’m keeping them simple (and i’m not doing favors or other traditional things the day-of), so excited to put them together. :D
oh, and crazy lists? the registry “essentials.” yep.
April 2, 2009 9:21 am
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LOVE the commentary on the lists! I picked up a couple bridal mags, as I had no idea what goes into a wedding, and one had a three page foldout list – like a full 2 feet of To Dos. Who is not going to panic when encountering a list that long??!!! I think it’s part of the conspiracy to reduce brides to quivering jelly so that they can sell us whatever they want.
Reading the NYT weddings (my only prep for having a wedding, ’til now), I often noticed that the brides held x position “until six months ago,” which I thought was curious. Were they all quitting their jobs just because they were getting married? No, they were quitting their jobs because they had to plan a wedding! ye gods!
April 2, 2009 9:23 am
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whoops. didn’t finish the thought on the registry list (and can’t remember what i was going to write).
and apologies. i only skimmed through the last bit of comments before commenting, so missed all the defenses for the welcome bags. y’all are welcome to skim right on over mine.
a few more thoughts on lists: at 3 months before i should remember to “purchase your undergarments.” i get that if you want to make sure you won’t have panty lines under your dress at your fitting, but this item in particular makes me chuckle.
oh, and thank god for the “get your marriage license” reminder. seriously. i think i might’ve overlooked that one! yeesh!
April 2, 2009 9:38 am
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OMG – that was so funny to read I am laughing aloud. In my office. And getting stares.
I have a list but it doesn’t have much on it right now. I’m sort of in “list denial”.
April 2, 2009 9:55 am
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I like how they suggest going to a fancy dinner after each hair and makeup trial. This was created for people who are out of touch with reality…or doesn’t have to work for a living.
April 2, 2009 10:04 am
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I love you! Thank you for saying everything I’ve been thinking during my wedding planning process. I hate it when I log into places like The Knot and it tells me I am only 20% complete when I feel like I’ve accomplished so much more than that.
April 2, 2009 10:08 am
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I like The Knot’s list just because it prevents me from having to make my own :) Of course, I’m not doing everything ON that list, so what do I do? I just check it off as though it were “done,” and leave the things I really am planning to do. I feel a sly sense of trickery, as if I’ve fooled the WIC. TheKnot, you just THINK I sent out engagement announcements. Well HA.
As for the brunch, I may or may not have one; I think it’s a good idea if you have a lot of guests coming in from out of town, or you yourself are out-of-town, or if it’s a destination wedding. I went to one wedding where they just had breakfast at the groom’s parents’ house, and it was really casual (and great to get some much-needed food to fight off the hangover :))
April 2, 2009 10:13 am
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