Comments on: Go To Bed Angry. Seriously.

By: Jennifer Lyn

Jennifer Lyn — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 14:24:11 +0000

This sounds like something my own FH would say.

By: SamB

SamB — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 21:39:31 +0000

The first time my fiance and I ever fought, we went to bed angry (I was crying, my eyes looked like Kermit’s oping pong ball eyes in the morning…), but woke up the next day completely apologetic to each other. In the course of apologizing, we both realized, we had no idea what we’d been arguing about it the first place. I think it was only so emotional because it was honestly our first fight.

And, call me crazy, I FIRMLY believe in “settling”. My mother always used to tell me not to settle, but then point out that romantic comdies were a fiction and real relationships aren’t like that… Talk about mixed messages. When I told my mom I chose a path that made sense to me, and a partner with whom to walk it, she re-iterated “Don’t Settle.” I tols her I had settled. For someone with imperfect teeth, shorter than me, balding, with an almost feminine emotional streak, and an extremely annoying habit of stretching the truth to ridiculous proportions about completely pointless stuff. But how can I do better than EXACTLY WHAT I WANT?

By: Cate Subrosa

Cate Subrosa — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 03:05:51 +0000

Yes. "Never go to bed angry" = "add sleep deprivation into the mix of whatever is stressing your relationship" i.e. dumb.

Yeah, it only needs talking out if it's still bothering you the next day, or maybe even the next week.

Another great post, Meg.

By: Christy

Christy — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 11:00:49 +0000

I have a hard time going to bed angry--because going to bed makes me so happy. Last week we were fighting at bed time. I stomped out to the balcony to stew while he did his evening routine. Then I took my turn in the bathroom. I was SO MAD! And then I walked into our room and transformed into this bouncy, happy, "la lalala!" person and snuggled right into bed, happy as can be.

And I definitely have soul mates. My brother, for one. A couple girlfriends. My dudefriends Chad and Andrew. None of whom would make an appropriate life partner for me.

My husband is exactly that. I married him for the partnership and life I knew we'd have together. As you said, Meg, I too believe in good life decisions.

By: mimi

mimi — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 20:10:39 +0000

i just had this very conversation with my husband of 3 months. when we go to bed angry i wake up feeling kinda guilty and willing to make up and i forget why we were mad.

and then we have sunday talks
where we get to air out any complaints. and where we start them calm and not mad. just in case that thing is still bothering one of us.

anyway, glad to see others have the same idea. marrying your best friend is another dumb idea in my opinion.

By: Jess

Jess — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 20:29:55 +0000

"Marriage, A History" by Stephanie Coontz really helped me put marriage into perspective. (And it's a fun read…) It talks about this idea of "perfect" love and "soul mates," and how this unattainable perfection really just causes us to be miserable in the end… instead of realizing what we have/need. Marriage began as a partnership, and though I would never say "traditional, historical" marriage is perfect, I would say it's a more realistic way of looking at "the rest of your life."

I hate going to bed angry, but I am a huge proponent of the "apologize, just to clear the air" strategy. Even if I'm right, ESPECIALLY if I'm right, I apologize. It helps to establish that there is no person with any more to gain or lose – you've already done the hard part: apologizing.

By: Leigh Ann

Leigh Ann — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 19:08:15 +0000

I cannot even tell you how often Owen and I have gone to bed PISSED and woken up totally fine. We argue a lot, and people are always weirded out by it, but for years before we were a couple, our friendship was characterized by constant argument. We're both devil's advocates. ;) Good to hear another voice saying what I suspected: That it doesn't mean our relationship is doomed! LOL!

By: Charise

Charise — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 17:52:01 +0000

Oh I so needed to read this post and comments right now. When we hit the 2 months from the wedding mark, there seems to have been this switch that flipped and we were arguing ALL. THE. TIME.

I firmly believe in sleeping on it - we are both so very stubborn and he especially needs time to calm down and realize how stupid the argument was.

I love, love the idea that you marry into certain arguments. If people would just realize that and decide if they can live with those for the rest of their lives, I think a lot of relationships wold be better off.

And amen to partners/life choices instead of soul mates!

By: Marisa-Andrea

Marisa-Andrea — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:34:34 +0000

Oh yeah, as a wedding graduate and recent marriage inductee, I can confirm that HOW you fight is definitely more important (and has greater ramifications) than going to bed angry. For us, we decided early in our marriage counseling that pledging to not go to bed angry was an unrealistic goal that might actually put MORE stress on our relationship than whatever it was that we were fighting about in the first place. Sometimes, not every disagreement can be resolved in a day. Sometimes, we are just human and can't get over being angry just like that.

What is more important to us is not that we curb our anger or put our anger aside before putting our heads to rest-- what is important to us if how we fight in our anger. That we don't fight below the belt, that we are as honest as we can be, that we listen and appreciate the other's point of view. Anger is a very useful emotion and we appreciate the growth and character it has brought to our marriage. Of course, it doesn't always feel that way in the heat of the moment, but when we reflect, we see where that emotion helped us to mature and be better partners to each other.

At the end of the day though, I say each couple should do what works for them. Some couples need to talk out everything immediately. Some do not. Marriage is not just a grand adventure, it's also a great experiment in a lot of ways :-)

By: anna and the ring

anna and the ring — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 18:03:55 +0000

Yep, as much I may love to argue one of us just dissolves into giggles and it's over. Mainly because he thinks he's right and I know he isn't!

If we do go to bed grumpy things are usually forgotten by morning.