So. Wife. Being a wife. There are loaded words, and then there are *loaded* words, and I think wife falls into the second category. I first started thinking about this concept when I got this comment from Cindy (remember Cindy?) right before the wedding:
“Meg, I love being a wife. So far in life, it’s been my most satisfying and challenging role. So here’s to the rest of yours and David’s life. Cheers.”
David was reading my comments over my shoulder (as he does) and he stopped at that one. “Wife?” He said, “That’s sort of a surprising comment. It’s something I feel like you don’t hear very much these days. People don’t say ‘I love being a wife’ unless they are talking about how they love being a stay-at-home soccer mom, and I’m pretty positive she doesn’t mean that.”
“I’m going to be a wife THIS WEEK,” I screeched. “I better love it. I better not become a stay at-home-soccer-mom-with-a-minivan. I better not lose myself. Certainly! Not!”
And then we got married. I haven’t told you guys this, but I stopped wearing my engagement ring the next day, which was funny, given all the time we’d spent thinking about it and picking it out. There were a lot of reasons that maybe I’ll talk about one day, but one of them was this – my bands (I have two, Jewish and well, regular) don’t scream ‘wedding bands,’ at least not without an engagement ring. And while I wanted to mark myself as taken, it turned out I didn’t really care to mark myself as married to the wide world. “Too much baggage,” I said, “Being a married woman comes with a lot of baggage, and a lot of stuff I’m not. I just don’t want to communicate that to everyone I meet.”
So. It turns out I love being married. LOVE it. It’s strange that it’s any different at all, but it is. On our honeymoon I started realizing all the really great things about it – we’re on a team now, a literal team. We support each others endeavors, we encourage each other, we support each other financially. Ah ha! I realized. Now we are two*! This is awesome. As two we should be able to be much braver, much more adventurous, right? We’ll be able to hold each other accountable. Imagine all the stuff we’ll be able to get done! Fabulous. So I started making a list in my head of ‘Now-We-Are-Two exciting projects to consider in the next three-ish years:’
- Project Travel. You can travel with babies, but isn’t it better to practice traveling without them first? I have a lot of the world left to see.
- Project Grad School. I’ve been breadwinner while David is in school, when he’s out, I should take my turn. I started researching graduate programs on our honeymoon. Somewhere in Scotland, I decided on what Masters degree I wanted to pursue.
- Project Start A Business. Look around you. Wouldn’t it be great if I had time to make sure there was more of that?
- Project Renovate a House. I’ve never been super wrapped up in buying a house. I mean, all the places I want to live tend to offer apartments for sale for half a million and up. If I have to choose between renting in San Francisco or buying in the suburbs, I can make that choice in five seconds flat. But then I realized you could buy run down cheap historic homes these days. Tiny, maybe in slightly dubious neighborhoods, but cheap (there are perks to being young in a horrible housing market). Then you could gut them, and make them beautiful again. Ahhhh… refinishing hardwood floors with an industrial sander by ourselves? That’s the kind of nesting that sounds interesting to me.
So I was excited. As soon as I came home from my honeymoon, I started looking around. Married blogs! Married media! I was going to find all the media that discussed exciting married projects! Ambition squared! Whheeeeee! And then slowly, very slowly, I felt the air letting out of my balloon. Where was this marriage discussion? I didn’t want to talk about nesting and buying pillows. I mean, I already had pillows. I didn’t want to talk about cooking organic food. I don’t really cook. (There. I said it. David cooks.) I didn’t want to talk about having a baby. Or I didn’t want to talk about *me* having a baby right now, though your baby is adorable.
And then I started processing this a little bit. Could it possibly be true that much of the available media I could find about new wife-ness was about buying pillows and cooking and having babies? In 2009? That couldn’t be right. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like cooking and babies and maybe even pillows, but I’ll be damned if I was going to let being a wife mean just cooking and babies and nesting. I had a list of PROJECTS damn it. I wanted to think about what new marriage meant. It’s joys, it’s challenges. I wanted to talk about wife-dom, and what it means to me now, as a woman with a very independent streak, a woman who’s a feminist, in 2009.
The New York Times recently ran a Modern Love article (that you MUST read right now if you haven’t already) written by a gay woman about her stay-at-home-wife. She said this:
I want to broaden the meaning of “wife.” When I call Ellen my wife I don’t want to mean that she is simply the chore-doer but that she’s the guiding intelligence behind her half of our household. Ellen doesn’t take care of the children the way I would, not by a long shot. If I were the stay-at-home mother, they would wear different clothes, eat different lunches, attend different activities. The cleaning and the laundry would get done in a different order and to a different standard. It took me a long time to accept that Ellen’s way is legitimate; it was probably 18 months from the time she began taking care of our son full time to when I truly let go of trying to make her do it my way.
That passage reminded of two members of our family. We don’t see them very often, but every time we do, we come away saying, I hope we’re parents like *that.* I hope that’s us, 15 years in. The kind of parents no one tell you that you can be – the wry, honest, funny kind. The kind that can love your kid and still note that parenting, when paired with sanity, needs a pretty serious dose of irony. The stay at home parent** in that family is the dad (parent and artist, natch). And this passage in the New York Times reminded me that as far as I can tell, he’s one of the best wives I know. I don’t think I’d mind growing up to be a wife like that. And I’d like a little more of that. A little less pillows, and a lot more honesty.
So lets do this thing. Lets reclaim the word wife. Lets talk about marriage. So tell me what you want to talk about, and then lets c-h-a-t. You can bring your pillows, but you better bring a conversation topic that doesn’t involve them.
*Two. Count it. Two. None of this two-become-one bullcr*p. Why the hell would I want to go from being One to being One-Half? Right. I wouldn’t.
**For all I know he may have a mini-van. Do y’all even drive mini-vans in the UK?
Wow! This is a great post! Are you in my head or something? I am not getting married for a year or so, but the current old fashioned concept of becoming a "wife" means nothing to me and is one I am struggling to embrace (my mental image is of me trying to hug an iceberg…)I think it is great that you want to talk about what being a "wife" means now and to almost reclaim the term…
My question would be whether you have noted if anyone new that you meet views you differently? I have been warned that single people may judge you as boring and settled… A lot of my friends are single and will continue to have single friends and I still want to be invited to the party after I'm married!!! Have you experienced this?
Viki
October 20, 2009 4:58 am
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Great post Meg! This has very much been on my mind as a "wife" of barely 2 months. I just read the Modern Love article and through their discussion about what to call each other after marriage she mentions that going from “fiancée” to “partner” seemed like a diminishment of their relationship since they wanted to be clear that they were in a same sex relationship. I must admit I have had the opposite experience. I liked using "partner" before using "fiancé" (although sparingly). I have just started using "husband", but so far it doesn't feel right in my mouth. I rush through the word almost spitting it out. It might just need some getting used to, but "partner" seems to describe our relationship much better. Interestingly in French it is a whole other game – "mon mari" (my husband) and "ma femme" (my wife/woman). My partner/husband is very adamant about not using "my woman" for obvious reasons.
Here's to post-wedding projects that don't involve a having a bun in the oven, literally or otherwise!
October 20, 2009 5:24 am
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You know. You just have one of my most favorite blogs out there. You really do. You tackle some really amazing topics head on and with the honesty they deserve.
As a new wife of 2 weeks and 3 days, haha, this is such a relevant post for me. I had the same "a-ha!" moment on our honeymoon that my husband and I are now this team. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I have this person back home cheering me on! So many things to do OUTSIDE of buying pillows!
I think the above suggestion on how relationships might change with some of your friends might be a good one. I don't think we will lose any of our glorious friends, but the way we interact with them and the things that we do have somewhat shifted. I wonder if anyone else has experienced that.
Great post Meg. Love it!
October 20, 2009 5:56 am
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Meg, I'm so glad you're taking your blog in this direction. Marriage is such a big, awesome, scary topic, and I can't wait to read your thoughts.
And ditto on the traveling without babies. My in-laws are very vocal about their desire for grandkids, and I keep telling them I've got a lot I want to do first. That includes lots of traveling, just me and Mr. B:)
October 20, 2009 6:34 am
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HURRAH! So excited about this :)
AMEN to the excitement of being *two,* to "ambition squared."
(By the way I have the baby on my knee, resting on a pillow(!) and I'm actually baking cookies today, seriously… but still, COUNT ME IN. Because this wife is still interested in all the other stuff, in travel and business and work and definitely the renovations part. I guess I'm hoping to be that kind of parent too, like your friend.)
Oh and I think you just explained why I only wear my engagement ring sometimes.
Ach, I did indeed love this post. Here's to the next chapter!
October 20, 2009 6:38 am
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I didn't know that me being a stay-at-home "soccer mom" (are there such things as track and field moms?) ejected me from the feminist pool. Huh. After all that work I did trying to be an equal.
Even if you didn't mean to be offensive, this post…kind of is. Because I hear it all the time. Wanting my girls to grow up to be feminist, forgoing Disney princesses, teaching them how to be good people? It's never good enough. I guess I have to trade in all that for that mini-van, right?
October 20, 2009 6:41 am
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No Sharon, I said *I* didn't want to be a stay at home soccor mom with a mini-van. And I don't, ever. I've always wanted to make sure that didn't happen to me, so for me, that would be losing myself.
You notice later in the post I referance a stay at home dad who I admire, who might or might not have a mini-van.
You need to do what's best for you, that's the way it works. My mom stayed home with us. I might stay home with my kids, or not, or maybe David will. But I'll be d*mned if I get a mini-van. Ever. But that's me.
October 20, 2009 6:54 am
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I love being a wife. And hearing my Husband refer to me as his wife.
Last week someone said to me that it must be hard not having a job if I don't live at home (meaning my parents house/childhood home). To which I responded, surprised, that I do live at home. My home is with my family, my husband, in our flat here in London. (Obvs I still count my parents etc as family, I just mean my immediate family).
Being a wife is like being the old me, but a better version.
(and I don't think we have mini-vans in the UK. I think we call them people carriers. But my parents are Volvo drivers, and Husband and I don't have a car, so I couldn't be absolutely sure).
October 20, 2009 7:03 am
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This is nice, but I think it's easy to get too wrapped up in this idea of "reclaiming" words and redefining what they mean to you and all the "what do I want to show the world?" that goes along with it. It ends with spending a lot of time redefining yourself and less time just being who you are/who you want to be. As long as you love your life, who cares what people think you are? And while mini-van driving soccer mom is a nightmare for me, there are lots of women who enjoy it and who are truly happy caring for a family. More power to them.
Then again, if it makes you happy to be philosophical about it, more power to you too.
October 20, 2009 7:16 am
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I love being Josh's wife and he loves being my husband. I think there is something extremely liberating in unabashedly wearing those "shoes."
We make our partnership the driving force for everything we decide to do, and I don't feel old fashioned at all. We love, we laugh, we fight like cats and dogs, but the partnership, the marriage is the center of it, always.
October 20, 2009 7:19 am
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Hooray for marriage blogs! Before I got married, I thought the words "husband" and "wife" were totally lame and un-sexy. I thought "fiancee" was this really glamorous, romantic word, and who would ever want to switch at the end of the engagement? But then I got engaged, and realized that the word "fiancee," while beautiful, is L.O.A.D.E.D. And not in a good way. It tends to elicit high pitched cooing from strangers, usually asking about your wedding colors. And I was psyched to get rid of it. The point of the words "husband" and "wife" being un-sexy is that it means you are boring and normal, and will be left alone to create whatever kind of life you want to with those words. Nobody cares about your marriage colors. But those are the colors that matter.
Re: rings- I did the opposite- I didn't get a wedding band because my thought was "I already have one nice ring, why do I need two?" So I bought a fabulous sterling silver/CZ set of three bands to wear when I don't want to wear my engagement ring. Works out great!
October 20, 2009 7:20 am
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Hi Meg, great post! I just read a book exactly on this topic that touched me, so much so that I'm going to recommend it to you if you haven't already read it. It's called the Meaning of Wife by Anne Kingston. And I'm totally with you! After the planning-a-wedding blogs it seems like they all jump to Mommy blogs. Where's the in between?!
October 20, 2009 7:32 am
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I read this The Nation article yesterday and it's like you just blogged my thoughts after reading it.
I've secretly worried about whether I'm blindly submitting to the gendered roles of husband and wife in certain aspects of my life. And if so, do I want to change it? While I know we buck the traditional roles in many aspects, do I really have the motivation to change the ways in which we don't? I hope I do, but these are the heavy questions I guess I have to deal with.
Great post, and I hope to see a lot more discussion on this topic!
October 20, 2009 7:39 am
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Love this post! I think it's sad that the word "wife" has come to have so many negative associations. I'd love to talk about ways you can start establishing yourself as a "family" before you have children. It seems like most people don't really consider themselves a family until they have kids, so they don't start traditions or set goals early enough.
I have to disagree a little about the "two become one" thing, though. I don't think it means that you are one-half of a person. The mystical, transcendent experience of marriage is that somehow two whole people can retain their own identities but combine to create one whole person. Coming from a Christian background, the only metaphor I know to describe this phenomenon is that of the Trinity. (So instead of saying "two become one," we could say "two in one.") Perhaps there is another metaphor that is more universally relatable? Or it might be that my Christian worldview is what is causing me to see the "two-become-one" idea in a more positive light. I'd love to hear others' thoughts on the subject.
October 20, 2009 7:40 am
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Who says relationships all have to be the same? Or about babies and pillows? I never thought I would marry, and here I am a wife of one week. Crazy and Awesome. I have no idea what kind of wife I will be next year, I just know that right now we, my husband and I (it is still wierd to say that out loud!) are starting over. We got married, we are starting new careers and we are probably moving across the country. We have no idea what is going to happen and I love it! We are starting this adventure together, as two, as a team, as excited kids ready for anything.
Thanks for reminding me that I am not alone in my "rebellion" against the norm.
Great post, I have a similar to do list of my own. Things to do before life gets in the way.
October 20, 2009 7:44 am
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AMEN.
Seriously, I have been thinking a lot about what being married will mean and what being a good wife and a good husband means (without any of that "obey" crap). I think it is important to hear voices like yours and the people you bring to your blog that talk about marraige in a real way. Perhaps that is where this blog will go? Just an idea.
October 20, 2009 7:46 am
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Yes, this blog is really something special. I have warm fuzzies. I got married a little over a week ago and I'm loving everything except the word wife – in public. I love using the words marriage, husband, family, spouse, etc, but I feel like I have to qualify the word "wife" to others. At home with just the two of us it sounds respectful and sweet and comfortable, because I know that we know what we mean when we use it. It honors the weight of our marriage, which at the moment involves me, Ms. W, as breadwinner while he, Mr. K, works on grad school … among other marital endeavors (travel, brunch adventures, dinner parties, financial maneuvers…). But I just can't seem to spit it out in public where I'm afraid of the image of barefoot, pregnant, soap-opera watching, and cobbler baking. (Not that I don't love cobblers …).
The other thing is that when we use marriage terminology in public I feel like I want to explain my support of marriage equality. "Yes, we just got married but we donate to HRC and we can't wait for gay marriage to be legal, too!" Especially around straight friends/acquaintances who aren't legally married in solidarity with the LGBT community.
So I guess I'd like to hear about how/if others feel the need to qualify their life choices and how we move beyond that to the point where we own our choices as individuals.
October 20, 2009 7:55 am
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Even though I only recently got engaged, I've already been working through a lot of the questions you brought up in this post. I'm not happy with what the engagement ring and fiance role implies and, looking down the road, with what the wedding band and wife role implies. He's my "partner" and we're trying to hold onto that as we plan a life together. And yeah, that life may include some apartment nesting but, even more so, it includes a lot of badass me-ness and badass him-ness as we pursue our own separate awesomes, knowing all the while that we're fully supported and loved by the other. That's why we're entering into the marriage thing – for the partnership, not the pillows.
October 20, 2009 7:55 am
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wow meg, this was one fantastic post!
Seeing as how there are so FEW "feministic" wifey/married blogs, I was under the impression (naively), that I was alone in my MUST DO PROJECTS mentality after the wedding. Projects are important! Pillows aren't. Unless you can sew a pillow and imbue it with meaning. But why would you want all your pillows to have meaning?
Anyways, you're rad. I think it's actually the MOST difficult to juggle the stay-at-home-wife responsibilities when neither spouse physically stays at home. My husb & I both work, and we both have different ideas of how our house should be run. That's not to say we think the other's ideas are bad, just that they're different.
How can a new married couple juggle their "ideal" views of building house & home, when neither is actually autonomous at home?
October 20, 2009 8:12 am
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Loved this post. I want to bake my cake and eat it too dammit.
For years I've been talking about doing freelance and being on my own but was always too "afraid" to actually do it. The whole thing about rejection and not feeling good enough, ya know?
Well I got married just shy of 3 months ago and it was like that part of my brain instantly got deleted. From then on I've just been like, let's do this thing! And it feel awesome being a "wife".
October 20, 2009 8:13 am
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Here are a couple of blogs you may like:
http://www.newlywedded.typepad.com/
http://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com/
October 20, 2009 8:16 am
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We have to get over this idea that anything "domestic" is unfeminist or that we are somehow turning into all the things our grandmothers/mothers fought against by proudly proclaiming that we are wives.
I am not yet married but I cannot wait to say that I am my fiances WIFE. I LOVE to bake and knit and I do want children, and I work from home (running an international development agency WITH my soon to be husband).
I think we need to be respectful of the choices of other women while acknowledging that their choices aren't our choices.
That being said, just as we all discussed about selecting or disregarding wedding traditions only if they do/don't resonate with you, we should do the same for our married lives.
You don't have to buck tradition just to prove you are a "modern" woman and all "traditional" aspects of marriage aren't bad (although I think we are pretty much all coming from a very Western view of marriage, would love to hear from non Western couples too).
For me, WIFE publicly ties myself to my fiance, I am proud of him and excited about our life together. Wife, to me illustrates the "bigness" of it all. While "partner" sounds too dry and legal (for me, not for everyone).
I think what is very important and what everyone is saying is, we don't want to be judged or made to feel like we HAVE to be someone we're not. I suppose we are also illustrating that we need to stop judging others :)
October 20, 2009 8:23 am
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Great post, Meg. I think I'd like to hear about the process of becoming a team and some unexpected bumps along the way. Most newlyweds experience an adjustment period, which I don't think is indicative of the relationship in any way. I've encountered numerous couples that go through some difficult times during the first year, and it frustrates me that it's taboo to discuss these difficulties. You're both learning! None of us were born Wife or Husband. It takes some adjustments, some love, some learning, and some understanding. That's marriage!
October 20, 2009 8:47 am
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I've been nesting lately hardcore, and love to cook and knit and all that feminine shit, but I think the point is that that stuff does not define me as a "wife" or our experience of being married, and it IS disappointing when that's all that people have to say about marriage. I am more than the home accessories that I gawk at.
Anyway you know that I'm down with this.
October 20, 2009 9:12 am
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Thank you for writing this. This weekend I actually took off my engagement ring– not because I don't want to get married but because the whole THING just started to get to me. Until very recently weddings were about buying a wife– someone who did all the chores and kept life running smoothly for the man. I don't want that, and even though I know that I won't have that with the person I'm with, it still is a scary concept to enter into this structure with so much (negative) history. Thanks for helping to give "marriage" and "wife" a new history. (P.S. What subject are you interested in pursuing in grad school?)
October 20, 2009 9:13 am
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Definitely. yes. great post – I've been married for 6mo now and I think I'm pretty far from the typical. Since I'm in the wedding circle for other reasons, its interesting to see how everyone else does it and how I didn't do anything. I didn't go through the planning, the buying etc etc. We just got married – it was super super amazing and yes! We did feel different, that same day! I wondered if we would w/o all the to-do most couples go through. But it really was a wonderful feeling. We already owned a house together. We each owned and ran our own businesses. We aren't going to have children. We are not the standard couple by any means. But we are a team and I love being his wife, and saying that he is my husband and I love that I did actually feel different (in a most amazing way) after we got married. I like the project list idea a lot.
October 20, 2009 9:28 am
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I'm getting married in about two months, and I can't wait to ditch the "fiance" moniker. Wife has a nice permanence, a seriousness, to it. But I think the problem with "reclaiming" the word is that we're subconsciously buying into the idea that the STANDARD definition is a bad one. All "wife" really means is that you're a married woman. I know 25-year-old career wives, 40-year-old soccer-mom wives, 70-year-old feisty retiree wives. I never have associated the word with something dowdy or oppressive, but it's clear, Meg, that you do, and I think it's a bit problematic. I agree with all your sentiments, but I'm afraid I feel this says far more about your impression of what a wife is than what society's impression is. And I must say that while I don't have any desire to ever own a minivan, and have indeed lived in the fantastic city of SF, it sounds somewhat condescending to say "That's fine for you, but hell if I'm doing it," because you are admitting a certain prejudice against a certain kind of "wife."
I love your blog, and I love the sentiments you put forward, and I like it as a refreshing contrast to the OMG YOU ARE MARRIED LET'S GET DRAPES AND PILLOWS AND MAKE COOKIES culture that CAN exist, but honestly, while I am not exactly a fan of a homogenized, stereotypical Stepford existence, what if someone dreams to have that minivan and house in the burbs? I know it's not your dream, but why do you meet it with such disdain?
October 20, 2009 9:36 am
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Marie-
In case I wasn't clear, I do use the word wife in my day to day life, though I also use the word partner. That said, I still want to talk about what it means, and how we experiance it. That's what I do here.
Second, you are confusing what *I* personally don't want in my life *right now* with judgment. Do I currently want to be a stay-at-home-parent, a mom, a pillow buyer, or an organic cook? No. But, some of these things I really do want to do in my lifetime. I'm not un-domestic, and I am among the most child orented people we know. What I object to is that certain aspects of marriage, or views of being a wife tend to dominate our cultural landscape and discussion.
Do I buy pillows and decorate? Heck yeah. I love that. Do I feel comfortable with that being a large part of the discussion of what it's like to be a newlywed? Absolutely not.
Hope that helps.
Meg
October 20, 2009 9:52 am
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love it. looove. as always. man, meg, you're so wise!
but seriously, i was just thinking about this the other day… how it seems "wife" is a very loaded word… and i think it inherently has some negative connotations, which is pretty odd… because when i think of the word "husband" it seems kind and sweet. "wife", however, sounds burdened…
October 20, 2009 9:59 am
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I love this post.
I agree totally. My 'married blog' is really just my blog, I'm just married now. I do post about cooking, 'cause I occasionally cook. But I also post about house renovations and travel and being a dual-grad school couple and random thoughts and serious ones. And I too, really love being married/being a wife.
October 20, 2009 10:01 am
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Meg, if you weren't married and I weren't married I would totally want to marry you for this post.
Um. That sounds a little creepier than I hoped it would.
But yes please, more discussion about being a wife beyond and in addition to nesting.
I would love to hear what other people are doing re: grad school, jobs, and supporting each other. I want to hear more about how other people are negotiating decisions around who's the artist and who's the breadwinner, who gets to go to grad school first, who gets to start a business first, who's doing something else that's so wonderful and perfect for their situation it's not in any of the rulebooks.
October 20, 2009 10:07 am
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Mellyelle-
You can reclaim a word and still like it and use it. Questioning cultural norms is a great thing in my opinion, and a smart and savy thing that makes us stronger. And DUDE, I *like* the word wife, I *use* the word wife, but it's loaded.
And this happens from time to time when I post personal stuff, but I *am* allowed my own opinions, and I *am* allowed to write about them. I facilatate that for everyone else, please give me the respect I give you. There are a lot of personal reasons why the suburban-minivan-driving-mom is not a good thing for me, and I don't need to get into them here. But like I said, my mom stayed home with us, in a very feminist, examining what she was doing kind of way. That's fine with me. But knowing who I don't want to grow up to be? That's allowed. Please respect my right to write about my values and what I personally think and feel. I do belong to this community.
October 20, 2009 10:08 am
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I love you Meg! You are an amazing guiding voice in the strangeness that is my wedding organising.
The word wife does bug me, because of the history, but then again, the concept of marriage and "getting married" bugs me too, in many ways. (the whole "end of your life" thing that is attached to pre-wedding parties makes me so angry, and sad).
Being 7 months out, I can't know how I will feel about being a wife, but I would like to think that I can make it my own, just another of those labels that describe PART of my identity, not all of it (like goth, or geek, or bisexual, or postgraduate/grad student). And that, in some ways, I can undermine some of the assumptions of what being a wife is.
October 20, 2009 10:13 am
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Hey Meg! I love reading your blog because you do bring up some sticky subjects and discuss them with such honesty. I will say that I have never had negative feelings about the word wife, and I still get a little smile when my husband calls me his wife. I love the solidity of it. I will also say I was unsure about kids when I was younger, and now I can't wait to have them. I vowed to never own a mini-van, but watching my sister stuff her two kids into her Camry (and not being able to have more than one additional passenger) makes me think they are very practical. I guess I think it is important to be flexible and open to what life tosses your way. Your ultimate reactions and decisions may come to surprise you, but that is not a bad thing.
October 20, 2009 10:15 am
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Meg, please don't take my comment as a criticism of you! Your life choices are yours and you strike me as someone who lives a very honest and reflective life. That is never a bad thing and I love that you celebrate who you are!
October 20, 2009 10:21 am
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Meg,
Now that you clarified, I agree. I guess I've been "taught" to have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to the thought of being "unfeminist" because I decided my girls were my priority.
And promise me you'll never drive a mini-van. Those are awful.
October 20, 2009 10:28 am
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Meg: Fantastic post. While I do love me some pillows (oh, if I could dive headfirst into a pool of pillows…), they shouldn't be the focus of MARRIAGE. When I went to buy a new washer for the Sin Pad (Living together? One way ticket to somewhere VERY warm), my mother in law gave me that look and said "Oh, the things you're interested in when you get married".
Because having clean clothes wasn't interesting to me before? What? And no one ever asks us what OUR life plan is. And now that I'm getting married, I'm suddenly not allowed to do things by myself or for myself. Travel? Can do that without a man. School? Have you cleared that with your husband? How about the haircut I want to get? Well, better ask my husband how HE likes it. So creepy.
tl;dr – Loved the post. While I may stay home with my kids and you may not, or I may not and you will, the important thing is that we need to focus on building partnerships in marriage. Interior decorating and what's for dinner isn't in that book.
Alice – I agree SO much.
October 20, 2009 10:35 am
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I love this post as well. its the first ive shared with my friends since the 15mos. of reading everyday! From age 15-25 I was certain I would never marry…because of all i thought it meant to be a "wife". At the time it was synonymus with giving up your wild crazy passions for a quieter life of perpetual nesting and underlining discontent. But that all changed when I realized we could make up our own rules. Now I look forward to the day I become a wife for the very reasons you note in this post. I won't be giving up anything! I get to be me-crazy, manic, messy. I get a teammate who will help me and support me in an intimate way no parent ever could. I get an editor, someone who will help me want to be the best version of myself.
As for the mini van-never say never…i dont think anyone dreams of owning a minivan. life creeps up on you in that way too!
October 20, 2009 10:48 am
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Meg THANK YOU for this post! It's so refreshing. Being a wife is something I struggle with because it comes with so many connotations. "Oh, you're the WIFE..you must cook dinner then right? And clean? How soon do you want a baby?"
A friend recently said she experienced a day off of work and used it for "housewife training day" where she ran errands and cooked. Um. Being a wife to me has nothing to do with dinner. It's about all the things I said in my vows, about love and support and learning about each other. There isn't anything wrong with a stay at home mom or anything, but it isn't what we all strive to be.
October 20, 2009 10:53 am
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PS- younghouselove.com is a great example of that in between wedding…babies place people forget to mention. John and Sherry of that blog are another insperational duo, they discuss pillows quite a bit but the difference is THEY BOTH do it and you can tell they really love it!
October 20, 2009 10:54 am
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I'm so glad I stuck around after my wedding! I've been a wife for a year now and I'm excited to see this conversation begin / continue. Off to read the Modern Love column now…
October 20, 2009 10:55 am
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What struck me about this post is not necessarily the "I-don't-want-to-be-a-suburban-housewife" (although I do think we should acknowledge that there are a lot of loaded stereotypes in identifying oneself that way, hence the sentiments expressed by some posters) — it's the idea that "I" have these projects. I thought the idea of marriage was a "we" — not an "I"-obliterating "we," but how are post-wife personal projects any different than pre-wife ones? I just got married and don't feel like it's given me a boat of new projects. I have the ones I've always had for myself…I'm the person my husband chose and still chooses. At the same time the question of how you figure out with your husband/wife what projects "we" have is interesting to me, I would be curious to hear what others think about this process of defining shared values and goals.
October 20, 2009 11:09 am
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Sharon,
Not to worry, I think it made my mom all edgy too. I'm actually the only woman in our extended family that is considering staying home with kids one day… we'll see. I suspect I'll try to freelance, or something, because it will help me love my kids better if I have a side gig. But I think you can do it on your own terms (I hope you can!!!) just like being a wife. Because when I watch the Oprah episodes that are "behind the scenes in the life of a stay at home mom" I go really white and look really scared.
But then again, Say Yes To The Dress makes me feel that way too… and our wedding was awesome. So will = way, right??
Meg
October 20, 2009 11:12 am
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Wow. I LOVE that you're talking about this, Meg. I got married about 6 weeks ago and I have to tell you: I love being a wife. We had already been living together for a while and were in a committed partnership since about the day I met him. So I didn't think a wedding would change anything. But it did. In subtle ways, ways that I'm still discovering every day.
I'd like to keep the discussion going about "new marriage". Some discussion topics that come to mind: 1) It's okay to want to have a baby. It doesn't make you less of a feminist. 2) Celebrating married life. So many people say annoying things like, "It's all downhill after your wedding day" or "Wait until you're married 25 years. Then you'll know about endurance." I want to talk about the good stuff. Yes, there will be hard times, but there are so many day-to-day joys to celebrate. 3) Partnership. My husband and I are not falling into typical roles. At first, I felt guilty that he was doing all the cooking and a lot of the cleaning. But you know what? He likes to do it! So why not let him?!
Anyway, those are just a few of my thoughts. And by the way, yours is the only wedding blog that I didn't unsubsribe from after the wedding. What you have to say is relevant. I love what you are doing here!
October 20, 2009 11:12 am
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I started writing and realized my post was going to be super long so I wrote my opinion over on my blog. If you'd like to read it, here is the link http://courtneykhailstationery.blogspot.com/2009/10/defining-wife.html
Thanks for bringing up such an important conversation!
October 20, 2009 11:16 am
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Ella-
Some of those projects are a bit more mine (grad school), made more possible by a very encouraging and supportive husband/ other income one day. But many of those projects are more we than I (which I might not have clarified). Travel is a commitment we've made to each other, (as is babies one day), and real estate is really David's baby, not mine. I was probably just trying to not speak for his feelings on the subject.
I think for me, it's the amount of support and the feeling of being a team that makes these projects feel more possible, or more energized, and a bit different than pre-wife projects. Not better or worse, just different.
But it may be different for others.
October 20, 2009 11:17 am
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I completely understand the urge to stick our tongues out and say "ICK" to the idea of stay at home soccer mom driving a mini van…but here's the thing…there's nothing WRONG with a mom who stays home to take care of her kids and drives a mini van…if that's what she wants. Those things (mini vans) are PRACTICAL!!! (and isn't that what this blog is about??)
I'm not married (yet) and I don't have kids and I drive a sedan…BUT! Those mini vans have doors that slide open and a lot of cargo space and are great for carting around lots of PEOPLE and STUFF!!
I think the problem is with the stereotype. Women like "us" are afraid that those stay at home soccer moms have lost themselves and are no longer their own people with strong senses of self….and that they represent what will happen to us the minute we say "I do".
But that doesn't happen to everyone…and what if you CAN be all that and still be yourself? It's possible isn't it? If my kids want to play soccer and I've decided to stay home to care for them so be it….doesn't mean I won't maintain my sarcastic sense of humor, my dry inappropriate wit and my disdain for the bulk of humanity. :)
I'm just saying that the whole point is…do what makes you happy….if that's driving a mini van, fine. If not, cool. But we need to stop ridiculing each other for our choices…no matter which side of the feminism spectrum they fall on…because as long as they are OUR CHOICES, that's feminism.
October 20, 2009 11:21 am
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Um. Why does it have to be a "married" blog? Why can't it just be a blog authored by someone who happens to be married?
October 20, 2009 11:25 am
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Meg! Exactly! I am deeply creeped out by the becoming-half-of-myself element of wedding planning. But a partnership, a TWO, is why I am getting married. Go, reclamation! xoxo
October 20, 2009 11:40 am
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Please note: The Knot has already attacked me with The Nest about how awesome it's going to be when I'm married and can spend my ENTIRE LIFE thinking about 'dating other couples' and stenciling my bathroom. Kill. Me. Now.
October 20, 2009 11:46 am
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