What’s even worse are comments from newly weds a year or so out who get into arguments in front of us and then turn to us and say “See, this is what YOU have to look forward to.” Again, somehow marriage will rid us of our five years of learned communication skills?

This is a favorite quote of mine and so appropriate for this post:
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
– Unknown

Its also nice to have my dad tell me that I should care about what happens on my wedding because its the start of the two of us making each other happy for years.

Its also nice to have my dad tell me that I should care about what happens on my wedding because its the start of the two of us making each other happy for years.

It resonated with me because ultimately people are always going to say crazy, inappropriate things which are going to touch a nerve: it's got so much to do with where they're at in their own lives. The best we can do, maybe, is to cover our own feet (metaphorically, of course, but I guess nice shoes sometimes help!) and keep trundling on.

Great post, Meg.

Like you, I think a lot about cultural messages, particularly those surrounding marriage (ever read
http://stfumarrieds.tumblr.com/ ? fascinating on the sociological level, but disheartening, too. Always makes me go, "People acutally SAY that stuff? UGH).

What I want to know is, why do people feel the need to pass along this kind of “advice”? I went to a party the other night, and it wasn't long before people began with the ball-and-chain jokes (immediately after congratulating me, wtf?).

And furthermore, why, on this particular topic, do their words fill me with such dread??

I’ve received lots of terrible “advice” through the years. Most of it I’m pretty good at tuning out; I generally choose my own offbeat path and ignore the social “norms” I don’t want to include in my life. It takes a certain amount of bravery and self-awareness, though, to flout convention… (which I think many of us have already run smack into, dealing w/weddings, family expectations & the WIC).

So why should marriage be any different? Yet for some reason, when people start with, "well, eventually your marriage will suck" I begin to worry that it’s only a matter of time before our relationship resembles the unhappy marriages around us. I don’t understand if people tell these stories out of a genuine wish to warn others (i.e. things they wish people would have told them?), or if they repeat these axioms because it’s what they were told (in which case I have to ask, is it self-fulfilling prophecy?), or if they want to vent, or if they simply can’t think of anything else to say?

It’s hard, though, because I do agree with the comment upthread – historically, marriage is NOT an institution founded on emotional enrichment, adventure, or passion. And I DO believe that we are asking a lot of it nowadays. However, I think it is our responsibility to try and reinvent it. It’s been reinvented many times before, and to assume it has to look like what it did in the 1800s, or 1930s, or 1970s, etc., dooms us before we start. Yes, it’s important to enter into marriage clear-headed, but also with *optimism*. And the alternative – living together unmarried – isn’t going to make things magically different, anyway. People who get skeeved out by the cultural baggage (me, sometimes) are giving it too much power.

People spouted the same negativity and “warned” me about long-distance relationships, about moving in together, about dating during grad school, etc. And not once has their “advice” proven true. Perhaps because I immediately called bullsh*t. I don’t want to be naïve, but I do want to be hopeful and true to myself (and my guy). And we aren’t the Joneses or the Smiths. There are a surprising number of ways of living, if you have the guts to open your mind.

Okay, this comment is becoming ridiculously long. But I do think this is an important topic, one I certainly haven't figured out, and would enjoy discussing in more depth (ahh, if only we all lived on the same street or something :)).

I spent five years trying to get pregnant, and then once I was *finally* expecting, it felt like everyone kept telling me all about how my husband and I would never sleep again, never have time to ourselves, how it'd be so hard and awful, etc etc.

Granted, I'm only a month into being a parent — BUT I CALL HOGWASH! Everyone's experience with marriage and parenting is different … but like wedding planning, people have WAAAAY more control over their attitudes and reactions to the challenges than they are often willing to understand.

It seems like people have scripts they just like to deliver. About weddings. About marriage. About children. About all sorts of things. People love to project their issues and call it "wisdom."

To these folks I say, "Look: just because YOU'RE unhappy with your _____ doesn't mean I'm going to have the same experience."

*huff*

*pant*

Ok, done ranting now. Great post!!

I apologize if there are a lot of typos here — I'm writing on my phone :)