This wedding graduate post is from Alyssa, she of crying in the car, she of the hilarious emails to me out of the blue when things are *not going well in my comment box* that say things like, "And because I'm super mature, I say eff them." Which make MY day better.
Anyway. The point at hand. I have been lucky enough to post many many awesome wedding graduate posts on the blog, and well, Alyssa's is the funniest. So. I've never said this before, but this post is a little bit for David, he of the unprintable humor, he who bore the brunt of my meltdowns. That and for alllll of you. Rock it Alyssa:
I’m gonna admit, I am NOT the Wedding Graduate that you need to emulate; I’m the one that you should LEARN from. I was bound and determined to have a stress-free wedding; so bound and determined that I worked myself up into a tizzy trying to NOT stress over the wedding. We all talk about getting away from the Wedding Industry and being more personal, but I took all that obsessive-ness that the Knot brides put into planning and focused on DIY wedding blogs.
You know the stereotypical bride who carries around 18 wedding magazines and a binder full of business cards and “idea pages”? I was the modern pseudo-indie version, with a Favorites folder FULL of blogs and idea websites, pictures from Flickr that had color combos I loved and my own inspiration board in PowerPoint because I couldn’t convince my future hubby that I absolutely positively NEEDED PhotoShop. (Lord knows I tried.) I think my biggest regret is that in trying SO hard to not be That Bride, I nearly ended up being That Bride. And That Bride is not pretty.
[I would like to interject here that I didn’t find A Practical Wedding until we were nearly married. I’m still sad about that. Might have saved me some heartache….]
So here’s my wedding wisdom - Find Your Wedding Zen. It’s that middle ground between caring enough to make something happen, but not giving a damn if it doesn’t. It’s like Shangri-La, hard to find but a beautiful place to be.
Figure out what you care about. I mean, what you REALLY care about. Do that before you even start to really plan. Then go through that list and note what you could do without if you had to. Refer back to this list when you start getting tunnel vision on things that HAVE to get done.
Because trust me, once you start getting into planning mode and get caught up in it, you’ll start caring about things you never thought you would. I became enamored with paper; we made out Save the Dates, our programs, my bridal party’s gift was a set of handmade monogrammed cards and for the reception I made notecards with Words of Wisdom prompts for our guests to fill out and Tears of Joy packets AND I wrapped the pencils for the Words of Wisdom cards in coordinating paper. I mean, REALLY?? I didn’t even know what a Tears of Joy packet was until I started wedding planning. (It’s a little packet that holds tissue for your guests…did you know that? Nope? Me neither, until I turned into Crazy Indie Bride….)
Now, those tissue packets, were they cute and adorable and one of my favorite things from our wedding? Yes.
Were they necessary? Abso-friggin’-lutely not. Yes, they were helpful, especially considering how alternately teary eyed and allergy prone our families are. But instead of something that would be fun to have, I HAD to make them and suddenly they became VERY important to me which is never should have been.
Also realize that the things you think will be the easiest thing will be one of the worst. It’s just going to happen. My thing was my shoes. I thought, “Oh, I can find cream colored flats anywhere, that won’t be a problem.” (Flats because there are two things that will ALWAYS put you in a bad mood; aching feet and uncomfortable underwear. I was already going to be strapped in a pair of Spanx so I’d be damned if I was going to wear heels too….) Sounds like an easy thing…and then I ended up spray painting a pair of zebra print flats two days before the wedding. Know how hard it is to spray paint shoes, especially when you’re crying AND furious at yourself for crying? Not my proudest moment.
We had some REALLY stressful moments, especially considering that after we moved I had a HUGE project at work (900 kid dance recital, sounds cute, is a massive pain in the butt), switched jobs, moved AND turned 30. All during wedding planning. BOO. But luckily, somewhere in there, I found my Wedding Zen. Actually, I can tell you exactly when it was; it was at about noon on the day before my wedding, after I’d been up very late trying to finish up my DIY projects and had to cancel my body wrap that I’d scheduled in a last ditch effort to drop a few pounds (Brides, don’t eat your feelings during the wedding process….) I was alone in my apartment and suddenly it hit me…Holy hell. I was getting MARRIED! And all of the stress just fell away and I started getting excited. I popped open a bottle of champagne intended for the wedding at noon on a Friday and said, Screw it. I’m getting married and it’s going to be AWESOME.
And ladies, let me tell you, Wedding Zen is WONDERFUL. Relatives are freaking out and being needy? Whatever, I was just glad they were there. Handkerchief that you meant to embroider to wrap your bouquet in to fulfill that Irish tradition that you’d never heard of but suddenly HAD to do? Do it on the long drive to the rehearsal dinner while one of your bridesmaids drives as you sing along to a tape (YES, a CASSETTE TAPE) of old road trips songs you used to in college. Find out the morning of the wedding that soon to be hubby can’t find the rings? Tell him it’s okay and that you’ll use your engagement ring and his A&M ring instead. (And politely ignore your man of honor hyperventilating in the background.)
And one of the funniest things? No one believed me that I was really that relaxed. I was excited and a little nervous yes, but not freaking out. One of the best parts came when we realized that it was about 15 minutes until my very short ceremony and the caterer still hadn’t arrived for our outdoor wedding. Everyone got quiet and looked at me and I said, “Huh. Someone should call them. Otherwise somebody needs to run to Sam’s Club and get some sandwiches.” Know why? CAUSE IT DIDN’T MATTER. If the caterer was late, people would eat late. If we had to get other food, then we’d get some other food and laugh about the ghetto food and then get our money back from the caterer later. Yes, it mattered a little bit, but there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it so why ruin the lovely makeup job that I had done? Wedding Zen. LOVE it.
I really wish that I could tell you all how to achieve this Wedding Zen, but I think it just comes when you’ve done all you can to make things go right and then the Wedding Angels look down on you and go, “Poor baby, you need to calm it down.” And then you do, because you realize that what Grammy kept telling you really is true.
All you need is the man, the preacher and the dress.
Or the man, the justice of the peace and the stylish pants suit.
Or the woman, the officiant and two dresses.
Or WHATEVER. But that really is all you need.
You may want the other stuff, and it may be awesome when you get that other stuff, or hilarious when that other stuff goes horribly awry, but when it comes down to it you only need to have what you really NEED. Which is him or her, and someone to make it official in your hearts.
And the outfit. Because the outfit IS important because it is your day to be a pretty princess dammit, however you choose for that to mean.
Pictures: Rockstar Photography (of Texas)
I can't wait for wedding zen. Or life zen for that matter. I think the wedding angels prematurely smiled down at me, deciding that iTunes should play Chariots of Fire at the exact moment I started reading this entry so that I might be able to destress enough to get myself to sleep. That and the fact that as of last weekend I actually have a venue and a date. That helps too.
December 1, 2009 10:28 pm
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LIFE ZEN. This I want.
September 30, 2011 6:46 am
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"So here’s my wedding wisdom – Find Your Wedding Zen. It’s that middle ground between caring enough to make something happen, but not giving a damn if it doesn’t. It’s like Shangri-La, hard to find but a beautiful place to be."
Yes yes yes. That balance is totally it.
Also the wedding zen stuff (particularly the "meh, if the caterers don't get here, we'll deal. No biggie") reminds me of how my makeup guy totally forgot about my wedding, and didn't show up. And thankfully my hairstylist was buds with him and called and woke him up and got him there, but he was so worried that I would flip up and I could barely muster up a "meh!" We'll deal with it, I thought. Can it really be that important?
December 1, 2009 10:37 pm
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This is amazing. Made my morning! Alyssa sounds a lot like me (but much more hilarious). When the Wedding Zen set in was just… blissful. I wish I could sail through the rest of life like that.
December 2, 2009 12:53 am
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Oh, Alyssa, you're my new favourite Wedding Graduate. Hurrah!
December 2, 2009 1:52 am
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Alyssa, thankyou for your wise gems of genius. Thankyou also, for admitting to your meltdowns. Even out here in 'keep it real' wedding land, it can sometimes feel like we're just meant to know, and do everything, and not freak out because we've got our values in tune, etc, etc. Truth is, I have (we have all) freaked out both majorly and minorly before finding this space of zen.
My wedding is this coming saturday. The forecast is for rain and, even though we've spent the past 6 months planning a beautiful outdoor wedding with lanterns in the trees and fairy lights in the bushes, I don't honestly care. We're not getting married for our photo album. We've got a phone tree organised and an indoor space at our reception venue. So, whatever the weather, we can still get married and have a party and it will still be amazing!
December 2, 2009 2:58 am
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I love this woman.
I had absolute wedding zen all day (the tables are set up wrong and my gran's going to be sitting with her head IN the bbq? Meh. The handmade bracelet I went a little nuts about making broke as I put it on? Meh. My mother in law was sending my death rays throughout the ceremony? Hilarious. None of our welcome drinks were served? Who cares) until the moment that our venue staff refused to serve our food, were rude to me my husband and our families and started setting up tables IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR MEAL for the next week's wedding. Then I cried. And I feel like such a failure for crying with frustration during our wedding when I read posts like this all about the zen and how none of it matters. Which I'm quite sure isn't the intention of said posts and said posts are wonderful. But there you have it.
December 2, 2009 3:37 am
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Oh, I loved this post. The Wedding Zen must have worked because you look gorgeous and happy in all of the pictures. :) Thank you for sharing!
(Also, I love your bouquet. I've been ignoring wedding planning recently, so please excuse the fact that I don't recognise the flowers… what kind of flowers are those?)
December 2, 2009 4:07 am
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This made my day. I LOVE this post. Thanks for posting, and Alyssa, thanks for sharing =)
December 2, 2009 5:47 am
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I loved that, Alyssa. The zen is very important. I had a moment when I was in the room waiting to go down the aisle and started wondering where my bouquet was. I know that I had seen my mom's and my sister's, but not mine. I started to freak out, thinking off all the really annoying calls I had with the annoying florist about the flowers that all I was not at all picky about, but she kept calling anyway and now she is late… Well, my syster ran in and put something together that was perfect. Later when I saw the bouquet it weighed about 100 lbs and I was so happy with my little bunch of flowers pulled from the mother and sister bouquets. Zen, especially after a brief freak out feels so good.
December 2, 2009 6:13 am
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I love love LOVE this. She's got a real way with words — and it's really important to point out what you really NEED on your wedding day — that all that other stuff is nice, but not REALLY necessary. wise, wise, wise.
December 2, 2009 6:38 am
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Hilarious. I am so going to re-read this post when I start becoming "that bride." Thank you for helping me find my weddin zen.
December 2, 2009 6:41 am
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meant to say wedding zen, not weddin zen. But now that I look at it, I rather like weddin' zen.
December 2, 2009 6:42 am
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these are words that I am going to try and live by while I am planning.
Thank You
December 2, 2009 6:55 am
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ooooh, i loved this post! great advice!
December 2, 2009 7:29 am
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I keep telling my soon-to-be that when the wedding approaches, I'll just mellow out. I'm trusting that it will happen. (hopefully*)
However, we're both a bit worried about external stress overwhelming us – i.e. from our anxious families wanting to "help" and direct and opine. Any suggestions for dealing with this?
Also, Alyssa, you look so stress-free and beautiful! Congratulations!
December 2, 2009 7:31 am
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Wow! This post made my day as well! With all the crazy people around me telling me everything has to be a certain way, this is very helpful and very grounding :-)
December 2, 2009 7:50 am
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Peonies, I think we all have our limits, and you had to deal with a pretty incredible amount of bullshit. I would have had a meltdown in your position, too! I think all this talk about rolling with the punches is meant to try and get us in the right headspace to realise that most little blips along the way aren't worthy of our tears; it does not mean that there aren't some situations that most definitely are worthy of our tears. And how.
December 2, 2009 7:53 am
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WHERE did you get your dress?!? It's exactly what I'm looking for!!!
December 2, 2009 7:59 am
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Thank you, Alyssa. I think that a lot of us that are going through these blogs are all doing the same thing: trying to find that balance between WIC and Indie-Bride that fits US. And I've been trying my damnedest to not get too carried away with what others in my family have done, with what I found on etsy/hand made/saw in a magazine. It's too much.
I have my guy, and I have my officiant, and I have my future within my sights. And we're doing it together. Man, does that sound good. :-D
December 2, 2009 8:10 am
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This girl rocks my world. I should print this out and look at it everyday for the next six months.
December 2, 2009 8:16 am
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A-FRICKIN-MEN, SISTER!!!!
What an awesome grad post. I'm still laughing.
December 2, 2009 8:51 am
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Just awesome. Congrats on your marriage and for finding your wedding zen and for remembering what was important in time for the big day!
December 2, 2009 8:52 am
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Alyssa, I want to be your best friend. You get it. I bet you get it in general and not just for wedding stuff, too.
I'm glad you wrote that and I'm glad you're around!
December 2, 2009 8:59 am
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I swear – every time I am tempted to go on the knot I will go this post instead. And then I will be in my happy (not crazy bride) place. Thank you Alyssa!
December 2, 2009 9:10 am
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@P&P;
I think I have another post just for you. I just have to write it… I had wedding zen AND a meltdown the night beofore the wedding. And I had nothing as stressful as what happened to you.
And, I mean, planning meltdowns too, of course.
@Kate
Um. Best I can say? That's normal. Try to give them responsability, ie, "Sure, that's a lovely idea, if *you* would like to do that, feel free." And then let it alone. Normally they won't do anything, they just wanted to complain. So it's key to remind yourself that other people's complants are not your problem.
December 2, 2009 9:12 am
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AMEN!!! I'm a few weeks like (2 and 2 days) and I have been stressing big time, but honestly… over the long weekend…
Jonathon looked at me and said..
Amy- am I going to be there?
Yes.
Are you going to be there?
Yes.
Is Dr. Roberts (our pastor) going to be there?
Yes.
Okay then, what else matters?
Um nothing, but I might have to go naked.
Well good. We can start he honeymoon early.
And then suddenly.. it doesn't matter. We have also started saying when people send back regrets RSVPS (I was depressed about this at first..) until Jonathon said.. "Well we are saving $12.89."
LOL
December 2, 2009 9:16 am
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Thank you soo much!
I'm coming back to read this over and over!! I had my wedding zen a couple of weeks ago when I started considering sewing tablecloths and napkins (renting is an expensive option where we're getting married) I'm hoping the zen stays with me but I have this sneaking suspicion that my anal-retentiveness may kick in again at some point!
Do you think we can have several wedding zen moments?
December 2, 2009 9:21 am
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Alyssa: I thought I was the only person who cried over her shoes mere days before the wedding!! I thought what I wanted was so simple and easy to find I could just pick them up in any mall the week beforehand. Boy, did the evil retail universe show me who was boss :-) Great Wedding Graduate post!
Peonies, no matter how happy or Zen you are, there is only so much you can take being treated like sh*t before you get mad about it. Sometimes I feel like crummy vendors use your wedding-day happiness as an excuse for completely botching their job — it's not their fault for effing it up, it's YOUR fault for noticing, because you wouldn't notice their screwups if you were the happy fluffy oblivious bride you're supposed to be. You are not a failure for crying. THEY are a failure for making you cry.
December 2, 2009 9:22 am
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This is something I cannot wait to hit! (I'm hoping that if I just ASSUME it will, then it will, right? Right??!!!)
Also, I think Alyssa and I live in the same area. :)
December 2, 2009 9:46 am
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I LOVE ALYSSA! And yes, she is as awesome (and more) as she sounds. And, she was totally zen and amazing and gorgeous on her wedding day! She has the greatest smile ever. :)
-Brandi (the person who took the pictures and was honored to be part of Alyssa & Matt's wedding!)
December 2, 2009 9:49 am
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Dear Alyssa –
I kind of love you.
December 2, 2009 9:55 am
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this was hilarious..thanks for the smiles.
luckily, i found Meg and APW months before my wedding so the wedding, and i realized what we were getting into. the angels actually blessed me pretty early with that zen. that or my fiance (now husband) stopped the channel surfing at "bridezillas" and reminded me that i hadn't reached that "crazy" yet.
i was a craftoholic bride too…and it was 8 or 9 weeks before the wedding that i absolutely needed stir sticks that had some witty saying on them like "eat, drink, and be married". as my coworkers sat by and watched me cut each strip of printed fabric with the saying..and watched me roll and glue gun each one onto a skewer..they never said a word about the misspelled "maried", until my hubby to be shows up and says, "what does this say?"
so i just said "f*** it! we're not having these stupid things!" ahhh, zen is nice.
December 2, 2009 10:40 am
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@Betty I would TOTALLY do something like that!
Every wedding graduate is my favorite but this tops them all. Alyssa, you're so honest and blunt and I adore you for that. Luckily my lovely man got my wedding shoes for me as a birthday gift but I do imagine I would be crying about "not finding the perfect pink to match my dress and how dying shoes is so expensive and how I don't want to look like a lame bride and blah, blah, blah."
I'm kind of a control freak (we're buying a house and I've already got the exterior paint colors picked out before we sign the Escrow papers kind of control freak) so I'm SO scared about getting into obsessive bride mode.
My wedding zen is here, I'm still looking for my "family zen" has anyone reached that state of calm where when your mother keeps insisting you buy the $200 boquet from a friend's you say f*ck it and make your boquet without caring if she thinks you're insane?
December 2, 2009 11:02 am
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Also can we establish the term IWIC(indie wedding industrial complex)? Being an "indie bride" is almost MORE stressful than giving into the expectations of the standard WIC.
"What do you MEAN you're not having a polaroid (vintage typwriter/ photobooth/ handcrafted bench/ WHATEVER) guestbook?"
December 2, 2009 11:04 am
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@Allison
It's Blogging Industrial Complex, actually. BIC. Accordions and Lace's husband termed that ages ago ;)
December 2, 2009 11:38 am
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this is so great. I love the top part so much!
December 2, 2009 11:58 am
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Oh, this is awesome! I LOVE wedding zen. It's funny how you have to go through the craziness to get to that place, but there is balance even there — had you not gone through the craziness, you wouldn't be able to fully appreciate and embrace the zen that followed :-)
I reached wedding zen the day of the wedding after returning to my parents' house after my hair appointment to find that things still were not set up, we were running an hour behind, photographer was late, mother of the groom was nowhere to be found for pre-wedding photos (so she isn't in ANY of them, btw), my hubby was in a bad mood because he'd gotten into a fight with my crazy aunt and the list goes on.
I took my husband, closed ourselves up in my parents' room, looked him in the eye and said "we're getting MARRIED in 2 hours. None of this other stuff matters." He nodded, agreed and off to married-get we went :-)
And you know what? Everything was beautiful, not because things turned out well. It was beautiful because we had exactly what we needed.
December 2, 2009 12:05 pm
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Alyssa, thanks for sharing! This was a great one.
And how fun to see a local-ish wedding! Apparently her husband and I went to the same university, though I'm sure he graduated a year or so before I got there, and they were wed about 30 minutes from where I live.
December 2, 2009 12:30 pm
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Thank you ladies so much!! It is so fun to be a Wedding Graduate and to know that y'all went through (and may be going through!) the same thing! Plus you guys said I was pretty, so we are now all immediately BFF's.
@P&P; – I'm so sorry to hear that all that happened! I hope emails and letters and scathing reviews were written about the horrible service!
@Kahlia – Thank you! The bouquet was made of pink garden roses (because I was determined to get some pink in my wedding SOMEHOW) and white hydrangeas. And it was HEAVY…
@Kate – I say nod, smile, thank them for their assistance and then turn around and do whatever the hell you want! Which is always easier said than done, but once you do it, it keeps getting easier and easier.
@FarFromGraceful (who might have the best screen name EVER) I got it from David's Bridal! (T9612) I know, I know, I should have been a good indie bride and re-styled by grandmother's wedding gown or searched thrift stores for months for a vintage one, but it was pretty and I liked it.
@nina – Absolutely! I wish I would have had more than one Wedding Zen moment, but the giant one at the end felt so damn good….
@petitechablis – I KNOW, RIGHT?!? How can you get everything else in the stinkin' world overnighted, but not wedding shoes? I could order homemade pie, right now, from 18 states away and have it to me by tomorrow, but apparently getting a pair of flats requires a Holy dispensation.
@Brandy – We might…are you surrounded by Cowboys, Mavericks and Mustangs on a daily basis? And did you get caught in the middle of a Red River Shoot-Out about a month ago?
@Brandi – I'm so glad you saw this, I was just going to send a message! Y'all, you know another thing that contributes to Wedding Zen? Having a fun, funny and cool photographer who helps keep you organized and focused during the wedding, and who snags awesome photos with you barely even knowing she is there!
@ Allison and Meg – You know what was my downfall? The DIY faction of the BIC. I don't know how many times I said, "You know…I bet I could make that."
Thinking about it today, we made:
-our STD's
-the labels for the wedding invites
-our programs
-my veil
-the flower in my hair
-my bridesmaids' and man of honor gifts (notecards)
-my bridesmaids' necklaces
-my man of honor's pin
-a necklace for my MIL
-the handkerchief around my bouquet
-our centerpieces
-our arch
-Words of Wisdom cards for the tables with coordinating pencils
-the buckets holding our lavendar that they chucked at us
-the color of my shoes (under protest.)
Plus we had an iPod wedding, rented the sound equipment and had multiple cakes instead of one big cake that we brought in ourselves.
And out of that, I delegated maybe three of those things. I'm ridiculous.
December 2, 2009 12:42 pm
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@Lyssachelle I was looking at that dress before- you and i are built similarly and it looked SPECTACULAR on you! You may not be an "indie bride", but you're definitely a PRACTICAL one! :)
Thanks for the info!
December 2, 2009 12:46 pm
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Let me just say that I needed this SO bad today. I'm officially a month out today and our rehearsal dinner venue just canceled on us. Please bring on the wedding zen!
December 2, 2009 1:15 pm
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OMG-Laughed out loud. I too had the PPT and the blog files…bookmarks…made our save the dates and invitations…centerpieces…etc. We jokingly referred to all of that stuff as wedding crap.
It was silly-beyond over the top and I am comforted to know that I was not alone in my reaction to the planning process.
The zen did happen and I would not trade my memories for anything. (Part of the zen was climbing a tree in my wedding dress!)
December 2, 2009 1:46 pm
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@EmilyAnn
If it makes you feel any better, one month out I didn't have a clue what I was wearing. The dress my sister made was clearly a problem (didn't know if it was salvagable or not), no idea on shoes, no hair thing.
But it works out. Weddings are rad like that. I stumbled on to my perfect dress in a vintage store. Not after months of searching, just because I wandered into one since my friend thought a dress in the window was pretty. And BAM. Magic solution. Though it took me awhile to see it was a magic solution.
So one month out no rehersal dinner spot? No problem. Something will probably fall into place that was better than what you had before. It may end up being pizza sitting on the floor with the people you love most at your moms house… but you have what you need. Swear.
December 2, 2009 2:12 pm
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This was amazing. Just… amazing.
When we first got engaged, I emailed my bridesmaids and told them their main job was to slap me if I got DIY crazy.
So, taking a class to learn how to letterpress my own invitations – good idea or a bad idea?
December 2, 2009 3:07 pm
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awesome. i am getting caught up in the "indie" non-bride, bride. ACK.
THANK YOU
December 2, 2009 3:59 pm
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Alyssa–I just looked at the list of stuff you did–Holy crap, girl, you are a machine!! I do that too–"Oh, I could do that!" (rolls eyes) I'm substituting a lot of that list with food–and we're talking appies, mains, salads, desserts. Call me crazy…
December 2, 2009 4:01 pm
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@IRMcK
We need to talk about how letterpress is overrated. I mean, I like it very much, but lets say it's worth a score of 10. Well on the blogs it has a score of 300.
Is it worth it to take a letterpress class? Yeah. I want to one day. Is it worth it to take a letterpress class to make your invitations? Well. That's… crazy. As in 'going to make you.'
December 2, 2009 4:44 pm
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Yay! Thanks for this amazing post.
December 2, 2009 4:47 pm
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@nina – we should join forces, between us no diy or recipe would stand a chance!
@IRMcK – I'm with Meg. If you want to take the class, awesome, do it! But if you are doing it just for your wedding, I would definitely think twice.
Think of your guest list and then think about who will even notice your invites are letterpressed. Then of those people, who will keep them and treasure them and all your hard work. Now think of the rest of your invites, crumpled in the trash after your wedding is over, all your love and creativity and hard work lying amongst egg shells and pizza crusts. Still worth it?
December 2, 2009 5:19 pm
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*like* a la facebook
December 2, 2009 5:24 pm
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