I just got this thought provoking email, and I wanted to throw it out to you all to discuss. Because I know for a FACT there are some of you that didn't adore your wedding (I get a lot of emails), and worse, I know you are eating yourself up with guilt about it. Unnecessary guilt, in my opinion. So lets chat.
Isn't there anyone else who didn't love their wedding?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm uber happy that we are married. I couldn't ask for a better partner in my life, and I am so glad we made this commitment. But the wedding? Eh, it was a fun party. I would have been happier if it were just the two of us on a tropical beach with a justice of the peace. We could have thrown a hell of a party when we got home without all the stress. And it would have been cheaper too.
The thing is, I feel like it is shameful to feel that way. I feel like I cannot tell anyone, and that there is no way anyone else would understand. Because there is such a huge community of people who love weddings and loved their wedding, but no-one who says out loud, like I wish I could with out people looking at me like I am a monster, "The wedding was pretty fun. I'm glad it's over and we can get on with the business of being married."
Let me just put a few things out there: Personally, I'm mixed. I did love our wedding, and rather shockingly, it did change my life. But, the bottom line is, I like being married a lot more (and that is excellent news). Finally, planning our wedding was stressful, and expensive. In the end I think we lucked out, and came out as winners in that ratio of stress to joy, but it was close.
Secondly, I think there is a huge amount of pressure as women to feel the right thing, and to SAY that we're feeling the right thing. Like parenting. We all know all the things were supposed to say, and we know what happens when you don't say them. And it's not pretty. I feel the pressure. I say things about marriage, pretty publicly, that are off script. And I get some horrible horrible emails and comments. Comments that make me burst into tears in the middle of a restaurant horrible. That's the price you pay when you say the off-script stuff. But the truth is freeing.
So go for it ladies. Anyone willing to admit that their were things about their wedding that they didn't like? That if they did it over, they'd go to the courthouse? Go for it. The comments are yours, you brave awesome ladies, take it away.
I have mixed feelings about our wedding. It was a great party, and seeing my grandmothers in particular so excited was fantastic. Also my now father in law didn't stop grinning all day, which was great as usually he's pretty reserved.
But now husband and I were fighting A LOT in the lead up to the wedding, and I was having a lot of second thoughts, and as such was tired and stressed out in a way I didn't want to be at my wedding. I wish I could do-over with a happy heart knowing it would work out (a year later, it seems to have worked out okay!). Also, the money. Egads the money. We were lucky that both families pitched in for the majority, but gee, a six-month holiday could have been bought instead!
January 6, 2010 8:46 pm
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Oh pshaw, don't let imaginary internet people make you cry! Just pretend we're all a figment of your imagination! I love that you speak your mind, it's part of the reason I love your blog. I speak my mind often, and I go way off script on a lot of things in life. I'm drawn to genuine people, people who I don't always agree with, but I respect because they are true to themselves.
It takes courage, and I am always surprised at how upset some people get when you post something about children or marriage that is YOUR opinion, on YOUR blog. It's the way you feel, yet they feel the urge to defend THEIR life. Keep up the good work Meg!
January 6, 2010 9:56 pm
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Thank you.
I didn't like our wedding. And when I mean didn't like, I mean didn't like. I wanted the court house wedding but was over ruled by many, including my husband. And I got stuck planning this wedding for 100 people and I hated it, the planning, the big party, the everything. I just wanted to be married.
I don't think you're alone. I may have a stronger reaction then most, but I think we just ultimately don't talk about it.
January 6, 2010 9:56 pm
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Good post. There was a lot I loved about our wedding (most importantly the emotional transition stuff, and the being surrounded by people we love who had travelled from far and wide stuff), but I also hated planning it, and found the actual day equal parts joyful and stressful, so I never know how I feel about this. I wrote a post a while back wondering if it was all worth it–did all the good of that day make all the stress of that year worth it? I still don't know the answer. I kind of think it could not POSSIBLY be worth it, but then, if I think about doing it again, I still think we would have had the wedding–the people were just too important to us.
All that to say, it's certainly more complex than this fairy tale day full of joy. And I think it's super important to vocalize these thoughts. I don't regret our wedding but I do have really conflicted feelings about it and ultimately, all that centre of attention stuff and the performativity of being a bride definitely did get to me. I was not on a cloud, I had my feet firmly planted on the ground, constantly thinking, "have I talked to that person enough? Am I allowed to have another drink? Do I have to keep dancing even though I'm kind of tired? Whenever I dance with my new husband everyone watches, and that's weird…" Etc.
I guess I have wildly fluctuating emotions about the whole thing, and I think I can boil it down to: I am happy we did it, but I'm also happy it's done.
January 6, 2010 9:57 pm
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ugh, ok, this isn't exaclty what's being asked–because I haven't had my wedding yet.
But I find myself really not wanting a wedding-wedding. I'm detail-oriented. I'm creative. I'm not shy. I could plan tens of weddings and have fun doing it. I have designed others' wedding stationary and planned their showers and folded their napkins and crafted their favors. And it was all fun. But I just don't really want one.
But I'm definitely being over-ruled by everyone–fi, parents, in-laws, friends. It's nice to know the sentiment exists, and that I may not be alone. Though I'm not sure that makes it any better (yes, please excuse the self pity).
I guess ultimately, it would be nice if the anticipated wedding-day joy were not interpreted as some measurement of the success of your impending marriage.
January 6, 2010 10:39 pm
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Caveat: I'm not married yet. That happens in May.
First, Meg, we love you because you speak your mind. That's why we're here, so that we don't feel alone in our off-centre views on all these things. I'm sorry people are horrible, and I hope they all get bitten by squirrels. But you rock, and we are all grateful.
Second, I've had two other big events that I didn't like, that I *should* have; my 21st birthday and my 30th birthday. Both big parties, and both left me with massive regrets. Not because anything really bad happened, but because, in an effort to share those occassions with as many people as possible, I ended up sharing them with no-one. I made the same mistake twice, and it has utterly shaped the way I have approached our wedding. We haven't gone to far as to elope (if we were going to do that we would have done so years ago, not 10 years in), but we are having as small a wedding as possible. At the moment the guest list stands at 75. I was originally aiming for 60, but I don't think we can get that small.
I can't possibly say now whether I will actually enjoy the day. It will depend on so many things, including whether I'm happy with my weight, whether I actually manage to let go and delegate properly, whether we manage to avoid upsetting my parents etc etc. But I've tried to learn my lessons, and take the advice you and other wise Team Practical girls impart. And that gives me the best possible chance, I think.
Fingers crossed. : )
January 6, 2010 10:43 pm
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I appreciate this post a lot. I am in the wedding planning mode and am feeling mixed already. My Hubbs and I are having a "paper wedding " in 2 weeks for insurance and other reasons and then having a community wedding with our 50 closest in the fall. I am secretly afraid I am going to like the small night at our favorite bar with 5 of our friends saying sweet things over potato chips and good beer more than our summer camp wedding with our parents and siblings. I feel encouraged when I hear women speak candidly about ALL facets of the wedding emotions and the wedded life emotions. It makes me feel less alone out here. I am glad to hear you are having more fun being married than you did on "the big day". Because if planning and exicuting this day is the pinnicle of my womanhood I want to quit now. Thanks ladies for keeping it real and helping me stay sane.
January 6, 2010 10:54 pm
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I'm so glad you mentioned this! Society has programmed us to focus so much on the party, and not on the marriage so it's WRONG for you not to care, for it to stress you out, for it to derail and detract from what it is you're trying to do. There are many things I would have done over, complete disappointments, family drama, and unseen difficulties in the whole process that in some ways ruined "THE WEDDING" for me.
January 6, 2010 11:37 pm
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This is one of the best questions ever.
Contrary to feeling ashamed to admit you didn't like your wedding, I think you've done a public service. For brides who don't really want a major event, this may give them a little more confidence to say "No".
People are so different. Some people love large parties and some don't. I'm one of the latter. I love dinner parties and loathe cocktail parties. In fact, the only large events I have good memories of, are the ones where I found myself part of a smaller group in the midst of the big party.
The largest wedding I ever went to was also the most fun, but it was because I sat at a table with people who were having an insane time with each other. I still think of it. Maybe that's the secret to large events?
Also Acordians and Lace summed up my feelings perfectly – wondering if you can take a rest from dancing when you're the center of attention. There are so many "shoulds" that can crowd the "fun" right out of your mind.
I'm sure a lot of this comes down to one's own disposition as well as the people attending. I guess if you are feeling excited during the planning, chances are you'll love your wedding. But if you are feeling anxiety over too many things, it might mean your heart isn't in it.
January 6, 2010 11:52 pm
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Oh one more thing – some of us need very relaxed events in order to have fun.
We know a couple who gives parties on a constant basis. The guy even entertained right after foot surgery. (I think they're nuts.)
However, as much as I see how animated they get at parties, I've also noticed that when we invite them over for a simple quiet dinner, they always seem to be so relaxed and happy. Every time an impromptu small dinner happens with great conversation, they always seem so surprised at how much fun they had.
January 6, 2010 11:58 pm
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I'm not sure yet because we haven't really had a "wedding" per se… we got married at the County Clerk's office with two good friends as witnesses and saving the "wedding" for later this year. Half of our friends don't even know we're married! hah! We want to love our wedding so we've decided to just throw a party with none of the wedding-esque things because I think that's the only way we'll be able to enjoy the day. I think it's fair that some not love their wedding because of the drawn-out planning process people usually go through, along with the many opinions that get forced onto the couple during that process. How could anyone enjoy a day when there's so much stress/pressure leading up to it?
With the "not loving your wedding" thing, I think a good comparison could be to Christmas with the family: lots of stress planning who's going where, what date, buying presents, prepping food/the house etc and while we enjoy the end result of having everyone together, we're ultimately happy when it's over, n'est-ce pas?
January 7, 2010 12:17 am
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My fiance and I are both SO freaked that we will not love our wedding because we have somehow found ourselves planning a far-too fancy (expensive) party, when all we really wanted was to be barefoot in the park. Not sure how we got to where we are, except competition for venues, weather, size, price restrictions, just the fact that catering to and feeding a lot of people has some inherent cost associated.
We are trying to take a step back, relax, find the zen and just embrace and enjoy the planning and I know we'll need to do that the day of too. And it will be amazing to share the day with those we love, however it turns out. Deep breathes and fingers crossed…
January 7, 2010 3:03 am
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Great post Meg. I believed the hype and waited all day to transcend into a 'bride', but guess what? It was still me in a big white dress stressing about whether everybody was enjoying themselves. The torrential rain didn't help, as only a brave few pitched their tents and our mini-festival vibe didn't quite come off (unless you like muddy Glastonbury). I found it difficult to relax on my 18th, 21st, and 30th birthdays too: I think I like throwing parties, but I'm not so keen on being the centre of attention. I was much happier when ditched the wedding dress and blended into the crowd on the dancefloor. So many of our friends have since said it was the best wedding they've been to, and don't get me wrong, we had a blast, but that other-worldly-angels-singing-in-the-heavens quality I'd for some reason expected (I blame the movies) didn't happen (e.g. when walking down the aisle). I never felt like a bride, but on reflection I'm not sure I ever wanted to, or if I even knew what it meant. I'm just chuffed that we all had a big party and at the end of it I was married to my best mate. Job done.
January 7, 2010 3:59 am
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I’m just chuffed that we all had a big party and at the end of it I was married to my best mate. Job done.
THIS!!
May 17, 2011 3:26 pm
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Part of me hated our wedding and part of me loved it. I feel like I got caught up in too much of the wedding craziness. How I got lost in the details is beyond me. I started out so worried about the party and ended up so happy about the ceremony that the party didn't really matter at all.
If I were to do it over again, I'd cut out a lot of the crap and just have a bbq or potluck. We kind of figured this out most of the way through planning and vowed to have a vow renewal in 5 or 10 years. It's more about the community and the commitment than anything else, including all the details I slaved over.
January 7, 2010 4:00 am
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Oh thank goodness. As wedding planning progresses, I keep wanting to cut things out of the wedding, make it simpler, more streamlined. Invite fewer people. In the end, it'd be a hell of a lot more fun just to meet up with our closest friends and go hike up a mountain and get married when we get to the top. Instead, Catholic Mass wedding with full-on reception (but with barbecue! BARBECUE!!!). It'll be fun, but way more than I think I'd do if other people's expectations didn't get in the way.
And at the risk of offending mothers, this reminds me of a friend who, a month after giving birth, mentioned that babies are BORING. The only reason why anyone is so excited when they smile or coo or whatever is that 99% of the time they don't do anything but eat, sleep, and make you change their diapers. It's not all sweetness and light, so don't go in with heightened expectations of angels singing. In either case.
January 7, 2010 5:27 am
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What a relief! Thanks Meg for commenting on this. While we're not married yet and I do look forward to being married, all the planning has me so exhausted. I do want a fun party with the family, but in the end, I would be much happier if it was just fiancee and I. I mean – I lay awake worrying if my party will be fun. I'm not worrying about table numbers or anything, but I'm worried that if I don't do the very traditional things, then people won't have fun.
In the end, all I care about it being married with or without all these people we're inviting, but there's just so much pressure to throw this super fun and nice party. While I'm carving my own path and learning to say no, all my friends have had these big black tie weddings – and at some level I just feel like my wedding won't be up to snuff.
January 7, 2010 5:46 am
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I didn't love my first wedding, so I was damn determined to love my second. And it was very much more me. But I got caught up in budgeting and not being 'too' crazy for my mom's taste and all that… and ended up wearing a dress I only sort of liked, and shoes I hated by the time the wedding day arrived. Obviously the outfit isn't everything, but those are examples – there are a lot of things I'd change if I did it again. I'm not going to though, so oh well! We're married now and I am much more excited about that.
January 7, 2010 6:34 am
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I loved my wedding just about as much as I could. Which is to say, more than I thought I would. But as others have mentioned, being the center of attention AND the host AND the bride was a bit much for my normally shy self. I think I would have been just as happy with a low key, last minute courthouse-and-cocktail-bar kinda thing too. But that's just kind of true in general for me with parties. I like small, laidback affairs, and I am an anxious host (does everyone have a drink? how's the music? oh no, so-and-so arrived an hour ago and I haven't said hello yet). That hosting anxiety is pretty much compounded at your wedding, and perhaps moreso for women, who are usually assumed to be the planners of the whole thing.
January 7, 2010 6:38 am
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People can be so rude sometimes. It's like they think you're their mother instead of colleague. I love your comments and opinions. It is a bright part of my day and it gives me the strength to tell my family what is important to me on our wedding day.
That email is spot on. So much pressure is put on your wedding day being great that it couldn't possibly live up to all the hype.
January 7, 2010 6:44 am
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Thank you brides who didn't like your wedding for speaking up. I'm a little worried about this myself. I HATE throwing parties, I spend all my time worrying if everyone is having a good time to the extent that I'm always miserable. I'm really hoping to avoid that dynamic on our wedding day. I am super excited about getting married after all.
I'm hoping by keeping it small (about 40 people) and focusing on the things we are excited about (the food) and remembering that once it's over I get to go on a wonderful relaxing vacation, with my new wife, I'll be able to avoid my usual party nerves. But I'm definitely reassured to hear that other women feel similarly!
January 7, 2010 6:58 am
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We're not married yet, but I worry all the time that we ultimately won't like our wedding. We've made a lot of compromises from the wedding we dreamed about the day we got engaged to the wedding we're planning now. I want to believe that having our families and friends there will be worth the sacrifices we made, but honestly, I think when all is said and done, we'll still have wished we'd run away to Scotland.
January 7, 2010 6:59 am
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I loved my wedding only because it was an awesome party and that's what we wanted. I do feel guilt about not *feeling* emotional enough on my wedding day, if that makes any sense. I didn't even cry. Not even for one second. I just wanted it to be over so I could on with my life.
January 7, 2010 7:01 am
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OMG Meg, please don't cry because we all love you, and I recommend your blog to the six friends I have who *just* got engaged in the last month because I think yours is one of the only ones out there that makes SENSE. and you bring out the hard questions, and you're not afraid to do that, so YAY YOU!! Keep on doing what you're doing, and know that there are SO many of us out there who are grateful that you are out there doing what you do.
January 7, 2010 7:07 am
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(Not to mention the pressure for a perfect, storybook proposal.)
January 7, 2010 7:18 am
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I've decided it would be easier, cheaper and more enjoyable for me to have an "immediate family only" wedding at a nearby resort town with dinner afterward at a farm-to-table gourmet restaurant.
There are beautiful ceremony sites and we'd still have a photographer. My family doesn't dance anyway.
Then possibly throw an at home party with dancing (I-Pod) for my friends a month later. Less stressful, less expensive and fewer logistics.
January 7, 2010 7:19 am
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I enjoyed our wedding. The planning? That was kind of a mixed bag for me. There was some family/wedding party drama and I ended up crying. A lot. But worst of all, I felt lonely because so many other people didn't understand why I wasn't having the time of my life.
The sucky thing about being a woman sometimes is that, unlike men, people act as though our emotions and reactions are open to comment. I mean how many times have you had someone tell you you should be smiling? Would they say such a thing to a dude? No way.
Your emotions are yours and therefore not wrong, so don't let the haters get you down! Feel what you feel.
January 7, 2010 7:24 am
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I love this blog. I've been a silent reader for a very long time now. My honey and I were engaged just over a month ago. There was a lot of baggage surrounding our relationship though, because we lived together prior to us getting married and my traditional and religious community made their displeasure known. We decided to get the business of getting married done seperately from the celebration and I'm loving the freedom it's afforded me. Planning a party to reflect the love and commitment you feel and pledge is no childs play – not surprised people look back at the day without complete love and nil regret.
January 7, 2010 7:38 am
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Your post is very big picture, and I guess my response is more small picture (oops), but it still taps into something that I think a lot of "ex-brides" (haha) secretly feel.
Most of all I wish I had been a nicer, more relaxed person planning our wedding. There were things I snapped at my husband about that I eventually came around to and loved. That being said, for me, I was VERY laidback about it all, so I think I did the best I could.
Detail wise, I (oh, I haven't admitted this out loud at all yet) thought (a) our bouquets and boutonnieres were pretty (well, the bouts were just okay), but they Weren't. What. I. Had. In. Mind. The day of, I let this go and was perfectly fine. But four months later I still find myself wishing I could have changed this somehow. Especially when I see other people's pictures. I mean, what about my detailed instructions and folder of photos did my florist not understand? Thank goodness I did my own centerpieces.
(b) The dress thing … I got a great bargain on my dress, I really liked it, but I didn't think my seamstress did a great job of altering and sometimes when I look at our pictures I find myself worrying "But did it really look that nice on me?"
But I'm lucky in that I did love our wedding, I think everyone who was there had a wonderful time, and there's nothing else I regret about it. That day, I felt that it was perfect (or at least, as good as we could get it), but at the same time I was totally ready to leave the party!
Thanks for writing about this, Meg.
January 7, 2010 7:48 am
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I'm literally in tears this morning, because I can SO identify with this post today.
There is so much about the wedding my husband and I had that we both love. Yet so much that me, personally, didn't like and I'm STILL thinking about it and it just makes me want to cry. STILL.
We spent so much, and in my opinion, I don't feel like we got our money's worth. None of my family attended and while I knew months (heck years) before the wedding that they probably wouldn't come, getting that phone call from my mother telling me she wouldn't attend, nay COULDN'T attend for religious reasons broke my heart in half. Reading stories of other brides whose families were such an integral part of their day makes me so sad sometimes that my own couldn't get over their cult-ish beliefs to share in the joy of their daughter's wedding.
Oh, and I hated my wedding flowers. And planning this "party" for nearly 2 years about did me in. I wish we'd had the Paris elopement we schemed and dreamed about.
WHEW. I'm so glad I said all that. I feel much better. There's a lot of pressure to have "the best day of your life", and while it was truly a monumental, emotional and thrilling day, it wasn't THE best day and I didn't love every moment like I thought I would. Oh well. C'est la vie, right?
January 7, 2010 7:51 am
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"In the end I think we lucked out, and came out as winners in that ratio of stress to joy, but it was close." You summed it up perfectly for me, Meg. The week before the wedding, I was convinced that I would regret the big wedding as the stress had eaten all of my joy and I was literally dreading the weekend. I think that my joy was restored when I contemplated the most important pieces, being surrounded by our loved ones and beginning our marriage. I had a blast, but I'm not sentimental about the wedding or items from the day.
January 7, 2010 7:58 am
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I feel better now. My wedding's less than 4 months away, and in the 5 months we've been engaged, I've only had a handful of "excited moments" when I get the briefest glimmer of wedding-planning giddiness.
I hate big groups of people. I hate planning events. And I hate hate hate being the center of attention and knowing that everyone is going to be criticizing EVERYTHING I do or pick on their drive home (my family is that way). I wanted to elope, but I'm doing this whole "wedding" thing to please the mothers and my fiance… who of course saw the error of his ways about a week after we sent deposits to all of the vendors. :)
January 7, 2010 8:03 am
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Providing there are no knife-fights in the parking lot during our wedding, I'm hoping the monumental knowledge of what we're really doing there will keep the day from being terrible. I'm hoping it's amazing, but won't let it be terrible.
January 7, 2010 8:05 am
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I also have mixed feeling about our recent wedding. On the one hand, there was some magic, on the other hand, there was a lot of stress, wasteful spending, arguments with family, and things that went wrong. I mean we were planning until the wee hours of the night before, I was an anxious host the day of & missed talking to some treasured guests, our pastor was kinda testy & impersonal, the d@mn guest bus CRASHED (and the driver called my guy right before he walked the aisle). Oh and I hated the planning process. Furtively calling vendors for the upteenth time from my all-male office, and whispering about details that I basically found tedious, is pretty much at the top of my list of Things I Could Have Done Without. And I try not to even think about the money, money, money…
And looking back, those issues did take their toll. One part of the wedding orthodoxy that I disagree with is the trope that "all problems ultimately melt away on the big day and its just you & your honey & the angels singing no matter what." Problems did not melt away. They were balanced by the many warm, wonderful events of the day, but the problems were PART of the day.
But I will say that nonetheless the day was precious to me. It still pulls at my heartstrings. But not as a perfect day. Rather, as something more like the memory of awkward first kiss, or an embarrassing conversation with a parent about how you love them, where the stress and fear and joy are all mixed up in one confusing and maybe even painful event that somehow is still dear to you.
January 7, 2010 8:19 am
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I am not married and am not planning a wedding, but I know plenty of people who didn't really like their wedding. Some friends were just "meh" about the whole thing and wanted it over with, and some just outright hated it (usually the people who were pressured to do the 'proper' thing).
At any rate, how you feel is how you feel and there should be no shame in that.
January 7, 2010 8:26 am
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I've literally read every comment…not just glossed over them. This is amazing. I'm not married yet (in May), but I've had so many people tell me to "get excited" about the wedding.
Well, guess what? I don't want to get excited about the wedding. I want to be excited about the marriage, thank you very much.
Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to have all of my friends and family together in one spot, but that's also part of the stress, lol.
Thanks for this post!
January 7, 2010 8:26 am
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We definitely had our wedding for other people, parents, friends, family, and not for ourselves.
I loved everything about our wedding- but I was over the moon the next day when it was all over and we could just go on with life.
Wedding planning isn't really for everyone. I was never really into it, but I'd hired people who were, so I just let them run with it. I just showed up. Got married. And danced a jog the next morning with my husband when we realized we never have to do anything like it ever again.
January 7, 2010 8:28 am
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Hoorah!! I'm so happy there's so many of us out there! Long before I ever got engaged, I always wanted to elope. A friend of mine did an elopement package at a hotel in Tofino (west coast of Vancouver Island) last year. It was beautiful–just the two of them. I was completely vetoed by my fiance. (My family doesn't care either way) The fact that I got him down to 75 people is a miracle because he said his mother would insist on having a big wedding. I actually did put my foot down and said that maybe we wouldn't have a wedding then since it wasn't her wedding. I have almost no interest in all the "details" so any details he wants, he's going to have to look after. I'd even do phone calls and emails for invitations.
So I already know that I'm not going to be "in love" with the wedding day. I think there's going to be more and more family tensions and conflict between different people's expectations (including mine and his!) that I just have no interest in dealing with. Makes me want to walk away from the planning altogether!
January 7, 2010 8:29 am
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I am glad that (the author of the email) named this. The spiritual elements of our wedding exceeded my expectations. However, it was a permanently difficult task throughout the wedding and the entire planning process to feel like my choices were valid. I had a hard time not feeling guilty that I hadn't included it all in my wedding, but we really needed to save our money. I am happy that we didn't go into debt, and that we were able to experience this transformative moment nonetheless, but there is this lingering complex about it. I liked our wedding; I love our marriage. I look around at other life milestones and realize that they have this raw and organic simplicity that makes them beautiful. I am still trying to process why the transition into marriage has morphed so much.
January 7, 2010 8:32 am
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I love this website…and I love the fact that people will admit that for some a big wedding,or even a small 'wedding' wedding is not the way to go and that the whole wedding industry and social pressures regarding weddings can be very stressful and actually unnecessary. I'll say it right now, I am EXCITED to be married, to share my life with my chosen partner and further our dreams and goals together, however…to plan and coordinate a budget-chic family gathering (in a world where $10,000 is 'budget') where no one feels left out and you have to meet all sorts of unspoken expectations, especially the ones coming from the little voice inside you, and feel guilty if you don't splash out and spend spend spend on this one momentous day and then end up spending less time with the few people you actually need to be with on the day you become married, like your husband and your own family…well, let's say I'm a little less excited about all that!! :D
January 7, 2010 8:34 am
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I hated my wedding. We're coming up on our first anniversary, and I still lay in bed crying over it from time to time. I haven't even had a single photo printed. Thank goodness I hired those amazing photographers!
I didn't think I was really getting sucked into the cult of expectations, but when you spend years saving for the magical destination wedding you think you want, and then the "wedding planners" you're forced to deal with take every opportunity to screw you around, and ruin what few things really matter to you? And despite their reputation for customer service and making things right, completely blow you off afterward? Mmyeah. I feel like I made a tremendous waste of money, and that's one thing I can't stand.
It didn't help that no one, not even my mother, really seemed to give a shit about the whole thing. Despite being together for seven years, and spending most of those explaining to people that we weren't already married, it was, in fact, a very big deal to *us*.
And I do feel guilt. "At least we had an awesome ceremony", I think, "and isn't that the part that matters?" Which, of course, it is the important thing, but if we didn't care about the party aspect, none of us would do anything more than go to the courthouse, right? And then I have the guilt from my husband, who can't fathom my disappointment (and gets downright angry over it), but he A: has never had any hint of expectations thrust upon him (I can't tell you how many people told him, "It's your job just to show up"), and B: didn't pay for any of it.
I'd give ANYTHING to go back and change our wedding. I'd gladly take the courthouse or the back yard.
January 7, 2010 8:35 am
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Thank you for this post! I think it only makes sense that most of us would have some disappointments on our wedding day because there is just SO much expectation and hype, try as you might to avoid it.
I loved our wedding but it was not easy or blissful or the best day of my life. What probably felt the most strange is that having a wedding didn't really make me feel married. It was a great (though stress inducing) celebration, but the married part is still unfolding as we figure out the life we want to have. I feel married when we make dinner together and plan adventures, or when my fella brings me a cup of tea. Its living the vows, not saying them, that makes marriage more meaningful to me than the wedding was.
January 7, 2010 8:41 am
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After reading through more of the comments, I thought I'd also add (to that tl;dr comment above), this is from someone who enjoyed planning. Not dealing with the people we had to work with, but the actual details and what not? I could do it ten times over. I did want the whole wedding thing, and wasn't pushed into something "proper". Goodness knows, our wedding was certainly not "proper"…
January 7, 2010 8:42 am
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Also still planning my wedding but I absolutely hear you on wanting a beach, my future husband & a justice of the peace. We have already had our "paper wedding" (Love this term, btw – had never heard it before until Karuna used it below) and I'm left wondering what all of this stress is going to yield after 12 months of planning that we don't already have now… besides a credit card statement.
January 7, 2010 8:46 am
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I hated my reception. But I loved my beautiful, wonderful ceremony that I cried though.
January 7, 2010 8:51 am
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Meg! Once again you touched a nerve…and it needed to be touched! (Ooo. That sounded dirty in kind of a gross way. Sorry….)
This is such a hard subject because it's painful to admit that you weren't completely happy on the HAPPIEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. I still try not to think about certain parts of our wedding because I'm a little regretful of how they went down. And I think I went into it with a fairly realistic attitude, buffered by wedding zen, and yet I still think about parts of that day and get a knot in my stomach.
But the hardest part is I don’t know that I could have avoided it! I know I could have avoided a LOT of heartache and stress in the planning process by just Calming. The. Eff. Down. But the things I didn’t love on the actual day? No way to truly anticipate them. I can shoulda, coulda, woulda all day long, but doing so makes me a little nutty and I’m already three-quarters crazy as it is. So I choose to remember the good parts and only think about the bad parts on rare occasions. Mostly when I’m being honest on APW.
I read those comments by the brides-to-be and maybe I’m just ovulating, but I just want to scoop you guys up like baby birds and hide you from all the evil wedding cabal!!
Please realize that no matter how much you read APW and East Side Bride and A Los Angeles Love and all those other blogs that are realistic and awesome and give you a real view of being a bride…it’s still not going to be enough. There will still be things that suck and you’re never going to be totally completely in love with your wedding. (People may say they were, but they’re dirty dirty liars.) Just listen to yourself, do what you can, don’t beat yourself up about what you can’t and have fun, dammit. And then fly, my little baby birds, fly.
And Meg? Again, eff them. Or you could take my best friend’s advice and remind yourself that every time someone says something ugly to you, “it’s because I’m pretty.” Not feminist in any way shape or form, but damned if it doesn’t make you smile for a second.
January 7, 2010 9:04 am
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From day one of our engagement, I realized (with the wise assistance of my best friend/MOH) that it wasn't all going to be champagne and roses. And I decided early on that I had to be honest about that with people, because there might be other people/women out there feeling the same thing, and feeling the pressure not to feel anything but sheer bliss. It is so important that those of us who are brave speak up about the hard stuff during our engagement, wedding, and marriage, so that we clear away the stigma of not LOVING every single part of it. And isn't that really true about life in general?
I did love our wedding, and the only mixed feelings I had were that I didn't introduce more people or spend more time with my dad. But there were tons of things about our engagement that drove me nuts (literally…), and I feel quite sure that having mixed feelings about all of it is TOTALLY NORMAL.
K, thanks for letting us weigh in, Meg!
January 7, 2010 9:08 am
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I am very much looking forward to my wedding in September, but there have definitely been plenty of moments when I wondered why we didn't just elope and move on. Especially when it comes to the financial conversations, which have been awful. I think there are a lot of sentiments that women feel they are not allowed to say out loud (like I don't want a husband at all, or I don't want kids, or there are times when being a parent sucks, etc.). I always appreciate the brave souls who are willing to say it out loud. It gives the rest of us permission to feel the good and the bad, and know that it's all okay.
I can't tell you enough how much I love and appreciate this blog. It has helped me to relax and enjoy the planning process, while focusing on the really important part: the marriage.
January 7, 2010 9:35 am
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We eloped, but I empathize. I do agree that there is pressure to feel a certain way about certain milestones. Unfortunately the only time most women are honest about things happening in their lives is when prettiness is occurring and sometimes they lie about that. No one talks about having second thoughts (like Ms Laurie) or being stressed out over money or just sort of blah.
Hubs and I got into a fight before we got married and I had a meltdown. I went on the forums at another site to unload and someone left a comment that made me feel like crap. They never had second thoughts, everything was magic and sunshine and bubbles. It pissed me off and I never went back to that site.
Life is not like the romantic comedies we've been raised on. I think that what you feel makes sense.
January 7, 2010 9:38 am
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I read this article yesterday and it kind of talks about the same thing, albeit in terms of mommy-baby love. http://www.alphamom.com/postpartum-mom/2010/01/the_moment_i_saw_you.php (Not that I'm anywhere close to that stage in my life – I just like the author.) Her article, plus the readers comment, resonate with me the same way – that when our expectations (personal, familial, cultural) crash in to the reality, it often hurts. It's really nice to hear from other people struggle with this. The overwhelming message is that everything must be perfect – it's good for us to talk about how and when it's not.
January 7, 2010 9:43 am
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What a great post. My husband and I were married on June 13th, 2008 at our local court house with a wonderful and kind city clerk. We did it because we were already engaged and the only way I could continue to go to school was to be married (in state tuition, higher loan eligibility, etc). When I TRY to explain this to people they usually think I sound unloving or unromantic…just the opposite. It was a wonderful, quirky, and special occasion that my husband and I shared together…so intimate.
I am now planning our "social" wedding…and my is it stressful. I know I will be happy day of, but right now I am not loving it. It if wasn't for the intense desire to have all our family and friends recognize and share our marriage with us we'd call it off already. But, my best friend has promised to sing and we found a great restaurant and searching for my dress with my mother is now one of my favorite moments in life…so it will be worth it. But it will also be real, and feel like something we have fought for and not taken for granted. I work in a store and when people see my ring they want to hear all the details…details I dont' even care about. I rest easy knowing Ananth and I are focusing on what matters- family, friends, and the love we share everyday.
January 7, 2010 9:58 am
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