This is too important to bury in the comments. So here we go:
YOUR WEDDING IS NOT AN IMPOSITION.
Did you get that? It's not an imposition on *anyone.* And let me tell you why. It's not because your guests will have fun at your wedding (though, duh, they will), it's because your guests are grown-ass people. They are GROWN UPS. If your wedding is too expensive, or too far away, or just too much of a bother? They won't come. If you're lucky, they'll be very kind when they tell you about it. If you're not lucky? Then you didn't want them there anyway (try to remember that mid-sob, it was hard for me.)
But the people that come to your wedding? Well, let me quote the wise Marisa-Andrea, "This is what I have learned: The people who love you and care about you will not feel like your wedding is a burden or an imposition. They will be thrilled that out of all of the people you could have invited, you want THEM. The (editors note: FEW) people who do feel burdened -- eh. You are always going to have someone who isn't satisfied.*"
And if they are not grown ups? If they are quite small? Well. I trust you are serving cake and punch and giving them room to run around? If so, they'll remember your wedding fondly for the rest of their lives, and they'll hope one day their wedding will be just like it.
*Ass-hats.
THANK YOU!
Ass-hats, indeed.
I know that the people who love us will be excited to be there, and everyone else, well, whatever.
January 25, 2010 6:07 pm
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I struggled with this in a very serious way, all throughout our engagement. And, I think it's where my only (minimal) regrets stem from – "Oh, I should have introduced people more!" because then they would feel like they were more included.
But the response we got from everyone was that the thought we put into our ceremony made them feel completely moved and grateful to just BE there and experience it with us.
And the great food and awesome dancing party we had afterwards was just icing on the wedding cupcake (if you will).
So I've tried to focus on that fact, and the fact that I can't remember ever going to anyone else's wedding and feeling imposed upon. Sheesh!
January 25, 2010 6:36 pm
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I really needed this. One of my bridesmaids, someone I consider a dear friend, is getting married a month before us. She never fails to inform me, every time we speak, what an inconvenience MY wedding is to her. To quote: we could be going on a honeymoon, except the plane tickets for your wedding are so expensive! Or, we would take a honeymoon, except we have to use our vacation to go to YOUR wedding, just a month after. You get the picture. I have offered to PAY for her plane ticket. I have let her know that I understand if she cannot come. I am beginning to think that some people just want to complain.
January 25, 2010 6:40 pm
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Thank you for saying this. It is exactly what I need to hear today. Exactly.
January 25, 2010 6:42 pm
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Dear heavens, thank you for both of these articles. I've read them both, and have been trying to beat the messages into my brain since. Once the wedding planning went into high gear, I started fretting about the ways I could make everything easiest on all my friends and family coming from all over. It's not a big wedding, but everyone's scattered to the ends of the earth.
But after starting to have panic attacks over the whole situation, I started to step back and realize just what these articles are saying: No, I don't HAVE to entertain everyone like we're in a 3 ring circus. And no, I don't have to stress over the fact my wedding is an hour from the nearest airport, etc. Our friends and family love us, and will come or not as they can (and most of them are gleefully plotting their trips). And those that do come are coming to be there for something they've been waiting for: us getting married and being happy with each other.
I just need to slap myself and remind myself of this fact every so often. Thankfully, my intended is good at remaining calm and reminding me when I need it. ;)
January 25, 2010 6:53 pm
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And we have to remember that everyone won't be happy and it's not our job to make everyone happy. Those people are always unhappy and why would they choose your happy moment to stop being unhappy?
I can't be bothered with it.
January 25, 2010 6:57 pm
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… And it's really not our business that they are unhappy.
January 25, 2010 7:00 pm
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Yes, Thank you!
The one thing I wish I knew going into our wedding is EXACTLY that. The people that were there, were the people that were supposed to be there. The people that had a good time were the people that were genuinely happy to be a part of our marriage and understood that the clebration was not about them. That we would do our best to see and talk with them, but that there other people to laugh and dance with too.
Also, the other lesson I learned, your wedding is not the end of the celebration. There will be people that can't come for whatever reason. There will be people that you meet later that you wish, wish, wish, you would have known sooner so they could have been there. But, you will get to celebrate about your mutual love and support throughout your lives.
January 25, 2010 7:00 pm
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Thank you for this!! I've been starting to feel guilty for imposing on people that they have to pay for accomodation to come to our wedding. My mother-in-law was just visiting and commented several times how expensive it was going to be for my sister-in-law and her family to come. when they're flying to Cuba this spring for their friends' wedding!!
I have a friend who lives halfway across the country and I told her that I would absolutely not be offended if she didn't come because I knew it would be expensive. She was thrilled and so excited and is definitely coming! Yay for the people that want to be there!!
January 25, 2010 7:02 pm
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"There will be people that you meet later that you wish, wish, wish, you would have known sooner so they could have been there. But, you will get to celebrate about your mutual love and support throughout your lives."
Tear. Up.
That's how I feel about our co-officiant and her wife, who were married a few years before we knew them. Why couldn't we have known them in time?? But it doesn't matter. We know them now, and they were there for us, and we can celebrate each other from now till the end.
January 25, 2010 7:02 pm
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Oh yes, needed this today.
I had a complete wedding planning meltdown last week. My fiancee and I have always wanted a ceremony with a cocktail reception. Party with friends on the town afterwards. That's it.
But it's so easy to take the path of least resistance – which is – pretty much going along with whatever a caterer or your wedding venue has in mind for a smooth wedding. Not what you want, necessarily, but what's easiest. It's so simple to fall into that trap.
Certain family members have been saying "People will expect dinner. What will they say when they find out it's only a cocktail reception?" And I say "I'm putting on the invitation COCKTAIL RECEPTION. And they say "But they will still be hungry."
And finally, last week it popped into my head. They are *adults.* If they need a full meal, eat before they come. Eat after they leave. Don't come at all. Whatever they want. Adults make decisions, it's the beauty of being an adult.
Ok, rant done. Apologies. Did I mention I had a wedding meltdown? ;)
January 25, 2010 7:15 pm
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@Sara
I mean. As long as it's at cocktail hour, they need to grow up. Or not come. Only serving cocktails at say, a 4pm-9pm wedding would be… well… everyone would be hilariously drunk, right? But otherwise? People need to f*cking deal with it.
The infantalization of wedding geusts is a pet peave of mine, and a rant I havn't really… written… yet (trouble ahead).
The flip side (which is fresh hell) is when people way over-program guests. Like – "Seriously? You want me to play twister right now? GET OFF MY ASS, I want to DRINK MY COCKTAIL."
January 25, 2010 7:26 pm
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well now i feel bad for feeling burdened by the idea of spending $1200 and 10+ hours of flying to go to a friend's wedding that is just one (albeit very important) night in our lives. but you know what…it doesn't always make sense to go to weddings we are invited to. we all have to do what's right for our situation and whatever happens, it's not the end of the world.
January 25, 2010 7:43 pm
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Thanks Meg – we are actually having heavy hor d'oeurves at the cocktail reception. So yes, it'll be more than one hour, but there will be plenty of food. Just not sit-down dinner. It's my feeling that if they need a full steak to feel satisfied, then they should go ahead and eat that before the wedding.
January 25, 2010 7:48 pm
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One of the funny moments during our reception was after our first dance when I was dancing with my father and he with his mother, was that his mother kept pointing out people who had just arrived and that we needed to go say hi to them and that because we'd been busy cutting the cake and playing the piano and having our first dance that several people had arrived and hadn't been greeted yet.
My husband just laughed it off and figured if people came and were offended and left because they weren't greeted as they walked in the door because we were off having our first dance, then it was their own fault and we didn't want them there in the first place.
In the end, nobody cared that we were enjoying our reception and weren't standing at the door all night.
January 25, 2010 8:18 pm
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@Julia
Indeed. You don't have to go. You really really don't have to go. You can be kind and lovely and write them a letter telling them how much they mean to you, and that you wish you could afford to go, and then give them a meaningful gift. They'll be a little sad, and they'll miss you, but THEY WILL UNDERSTAND.
And then you can take them out to dinner when you see them next.
Or you can go, and have fun. That's sometimes awesome too.
If it makes you feel better, I WISH we were burden with more wedding invitations.
January 25, 2010 8:18 pm
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Oh, I struggled with this one for MONTHS. We first selected a glorious place to marry that meant so much to us; but I fretted nonstop that it would be too pricey and too out-of-the-way for many guests. So we ditched it; got married in our hometown instead.
There are days when I am a tiny bit sad, wishing for the original plan we'd had. Because even though we changed our wedding location so that more could join us, our wedding was STILL quite small. And there's the rub: no matter what you decide for the wedding or where you choose to get married, someone(s) will not be able to fly there, stay there, or join in for myriad reasons. Best to just plan and get on with it, let the chips fall and guests gather where they may.
January 25, 2010 8:35 pm
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Awesome. Just awesome. It's amazing to me how many (and I hate to use this word, but here goes) guestzilla's there are out there. And half of them seem to be related to me somehow. Sorry for the mini-rant, but I wish I could just send them all this post, and just have them realize 'hey, she's not trying to be a horrible person. She just doesn't see why every aunt MUST have a corsage' Or that dancing to a peppy first dance is okay. Or that I don't want to create a hand crafted out of town bag, invite everyone to the rehersal dinner, have brunch with everyone on Saturday morning, hand make my own centerpieces, make personalized favors for each and every guest, walk to each and every table and skip dinner to say hello to each and every person, and have brunch with everyone again on Sunday.
My current mantra: Not doing these things does not make me a bad bride. Not doing these thing will not mean my wedding is ruined. Not caving on these things does not mean I am being 'selfish' or that I am not remembering that this wedding is "not just about you, but is about the families as well" I KNOW THAT, but my wedding is also not about my aunties/mom showing off to their friends/neighbors/other relatives. I cannot bend over backwards to please everyone. Not doing these things does not make me a bad bride.
January 25, 2010 8:46 pm
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this is a big issue of contention for us as well! we live in chicago, but we're having our wedding on long island (ny) b/c that's where i grew up, and a lot of my family is still in the area. FH's family is from upstate NY, which is about 6 hrs drive, but in reality, it's about a whole "world" away, mentally. i had some flack that a lot of his family aren't at all interested in coming to our wedding b/c it's far, the cost, etc. but really, it's like if it's that hard for you, do you really want those people there in the first place, anyway? i have family and friends who will also be coming from maryland, virginia, massachusetts, arizona, st. louis, and michigan… and they're all still excited to be making the trek. my mom even has friends who now live in london who want to come in for the event! i feel like in the end, distance is more of a psychological thing, and it's what people make of it in their minds. that's not to say that we won't be sad when there are barely any of FH's family at the wedding… but at the same time, we also want people to be there who WANT to be there… not people who feel put out by being there. i feel like this has been a really huge hurdle for us, and i'm glad that we're not alone!
January 25, 2010 8:47 pm
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…except that it's so easy to get the idea that the wedding is an imposition when people – esp. people involved in the wedding – are saying that it is. Sadly, I heard from my two besties (1) what a – possibly insurmountable – hassle it would be if our wedding were up in the mountains, four hours from the nearest airport (we chose another location so that she could be there); and (2) what a hassle it was to find a dress, come to the rehearsal, find clothing for the kids, etc.
Ok, yeah, F*ck 'em. But these are my two best friends, lifelong friends. It's not like I'm gonna get new friends months before the wedding. While it would be great if everyone were purely happy for us – as they would be in an ideal world – other people have their own agendas, some of which may involve not wanting to be bothered, some of which may include thinking you're going overboard (which simply means the discrepancy between their views on weddings and your own), and some of which may be a desire not to have friendships change at all, when they surely will, post-wedding.
Thanks for raising this issue, Meg. Would that we were all so self-assured as to be able to ignore comments from others that suggest they feel imposed upon by the obligations associated with our weddings.
January 25, 2010 8:48 pm
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Thank you for that post. I'm getting married in Hawaii next month and it's amazing how many people have disappointed me by saying they can't be there. I gave them 18 months to prepare and I'm still feeling guilty for having it there. Thank you for reminding me that it truly isn't me, it's them. And thank you for reminding me that the people who are going to be there are amazing (although I knew that).
January 25, 2010 9:17 pm
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@Sandra
The flip side is, if you have a destination wedding, the ground rules are that you CAN'T expect non-immediate-family to come, you can only be absolutely delighted if they CAN make it. Because it's a vacation, a wonderful (but expensive) vacation. Which is a different thing, a bit.
But that's the point, they are grown ups and they will make their own decisions, and that is fine and fair and wonderful. And they are not allowed to make you feel bad or guilty. They are only allowed to say things like, "Oh, that sounds wonderful! We so wish we could make it. You'll have so much fun, and we will raise a toast to you from here!"
So enjoy it, and relish the time you'll get with the wonderful people that can come.
January 25, 2010 9:28 pm
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I agree with you Meg. I don’t know who will be at our wedding.
We’re getting married on a cruise, soon. We aren’t giving people 12 months to plan. So it’s not much notice, and I don’t really know who will show except maybe our parents(hopefully?). But with his family scattered allover Southeast Asia and assorted other far-flug destinations, his father in Germany, our friends all over the country, and my family in the American South(2,000 miles away) it’s going to be asking a lot for people to gather in the city where we live- so we might as well do what we want to do, and take the first vacation of my adult life. If our loved ones are able and willing to join us on this fantastic vacation to start our new lives, YAY!!! And if not, it’ll be like a romantic elopement, and we’ll send postcards telling everyone we love and miss them.
May 19, 2011 9:44 am
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Here friggin here.
January 25, 2010 10:25 pm
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yes, ass hats. Meg, every time i read your blog I feel a little more blessed to get to read it. Seriously.
January 25, 2010 11:01 pm
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Thanks for addressing this issue.
I've been feeling this little nagging guilt in my head about burdening people all throughout the planning – it's there in the background every time I write an email to a friend who has to travel, or contemplate what I could ask for some help with – basically I'm just uncomfortable with people making a fuss over us. But I think they are happy to, and I'm hoping that this one time I can actually truly accept it and take in the affection of the people around me instead of feeling uncomfortable over it (maybe that'll be my transcendent experience of the wedding day).
January 25, 2010 11:50 pm
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"The infantalization of wedding guests" – looking forward to that one, Meg :)
On the over-programming side… not to brag about my own wedding or anything (ha ha) but we got so many comments on how great it was that we…
1) got married
2) let everyone buy themselves whatever they wanted to drink and catch up for an hour or so
3) ate
4) had some speeches
5) partied
It was simple, and people loved it. They got to eat and drink, chat and dance. And that's what people really want from a wedding.
January 26, 2010 12:51 am
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Seriously, this blog is keeping me sane. Thank you!
Perhaps it's the case that that infantilisation of wedding guests is connected to "bothering them" guilt? Like, the more you do for them, they less they'll have to do themselves, the less you're bothering them? Maybe.
Last week Dad, of all people, started worrying about where the family were going to stay. ALL of them. And expected me to sort them all out (Mum set him straight bless her). Now, I'm more than happy to recommend accommodation. We're even giving over our entire house to guests, happily. But I had to remind myself that our guests are ADULTS and can book a B&B; themselves…
Anyway, yes, you rule :D
January 26, 2010 5:59 am
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@hors d'ouevre reception sara- we did a dessert reception, and heard a lot of the same. ignore ignore ignore.
we didn't expect folks to want to travel to have just a cupcake and coffee. but we ended up with some people flying from ca and tx and all over, and then THANKING us for LETTING them come, over and over.
January 26, 2010 6:18 am
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So helpful. I needed this reminder. Thank you.
January 26, 2010 6:20 am
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Thank you, Meg! I am having this exact stress right now. The "Everyone's traveling all this way and so we must entertain and ensure everyone's comfort at all times because if we don't no one will be happy and we'll have spent all this time and money for nothing but headaches!!!" Time to breathe. They are adults, responsible for their own happiness. Repeat like a mantra.
January 26, 2010 6:57 am
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Thanks for this, Meg! After my mom found out the boy and I are having our reception in the private room at our favorite local bar, she actually told me *not* to invite a lot of our extended family because, in a nutshell, they're used to big, traditional weddings and won't want to travel three hours for our "beer thing." Yeah. She referred to our wedding as a "beer thing." Sigh.
But you're absolutely right that our guests are in fact grown ups (something I, admittedly, sometimes overlook) and they'll come if they want to. And how sad would it be to exclude people you love because you're afraid of burdening them with your laid back wedding?
January 26, 2010 7:00 am
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Dear god, I wish I could have the same peace you have with this. We’re having a very small, private ceremony–as in, literally 9 people besides the two of us. And then a big dinner afterwards with friends and family to celebrate. But just a dinner, not a wedding reception–there will be no chicken dance, first dance, garter tossing, etc. We’re just going to have a fantastic meal with people we love.
But my extended family is all used to large, multi-day, Catholic weddings. Can I really ask them to come half way across the country, some with small children, for a dinner? But I’ve been invited to all my cousins’ weddings–can I really not invite them at all?
I just don’t know what to do.
January 14, 2011 10:22 pm
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Thanks Meg!! I'm lucky enough to not have anyone (yet) tell me what an imposition any part of our wedding is going to be. Everyone so far has assured me that whatever they are doing/spending is a pleasure and they're just excited to be there.
STILL I feel guilt over how much the bridesmaid dresses were, how much the hotel costs are going to be, the fact that people are showering us with gifts in addition to just Being there. I *know* they do it because they want to. I know they're adults who will only do what they can afford to do (and if they do more than they can afford, that is not my business).
Also yeah the blogworld sure makes you think you need to throw a carnival to entertain people. Thanks for the reminder that just getting people together, with a little food and drink and music, will be enough.
January 26, 2010 7:10 am
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Oh boy. I think this entire discussion is relative.
You have to look at the financial circumstances of your family and friends, as well as their time available.
The complication is that you may not really know their situation since most people keep their finances private.
I had to turn down going to my cousins' weddings which were several states away. At the time, I was too broke to pay for airfare, a hotel, transportation, a gift, and an outfit to wear. It wasn't the fault of my cousins – they just lived that far away so I didn't hold it against them.
I think there is a difference between a hometown that just happens to be far away versus a couple who CHOOSE a far away location.
It takes having some descretionary income to be the kind of guest who can travel long distances (more than a car ride). So, some of this discussion boils down to socioeconomic issues.
January 26, 2010 7:44 am
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My own parents have lost so much of their retirement savings thanks to this economic meltdown, that I think I'd have to pay for their hotel rooms if I wanted to get married where I now live.
January 26, 2010 7:47 am
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Oh did I need this today. Thank you thank you Meg!
We've been engaged since April and as soon as we announced that our wedding will be about a 4-6 hour drive for most of the guests, the complaints started rolling in. Mostly from extended family, but it's been hard to hear since I already have the tendency to put too much effort into making sure people are happy.
But the best thing has been the people who have countered these complaints with such joy-"we may not be able to make it since the hotels are expensive, but we'll do everything we can" or the friends who say "it's one night in a hotel, it's four hours in a car, we'll sleep 6 to a room and there's no way in hell we're missing this".
Surrounding ourselves with those latter thoughts really helps. And of course reading things like this!
January 26, 2010 7:48 am
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Sandra, you could give me five years to save for a trip to Hawaii and I still couldn't swing it. ;-)
January 26, 2010 7:50 am
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I hope every wedding guest will remember that you've invited a select number of people (I assume) to witness something incredibly special and personal. When I have been a guest at great (meaning personal, fun, intimate) weddings, I always feel like I should be the one writing the thank you note.
Some of the people I worried about the most at our wedding (family friends traveling a long way, not knowing anyone, etc) all made a point of thanking me for including them. It felt insane to be the recipients of such love and support and have THEM thanking US.
January 26, 2010 7:51 am
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Ugh, this concept is so much easier said than done for me. I would love to be able to remember that I shouldn't concern myself with small-minded, petty people, but when those kind of people are in your family (in my case, some of my aunts and sometimes both my and his parents) it's nearly impossible to keep this in mind.
If the world were a perfect place, I would be planning this wedding surrounded by people who were only 100% happy for us and thought of nothing else. As it happens, that is not always the case. And that's probably the #1 struggle we've had to deal with in the last year and a half.
But I'm trying (really, really, really hard) to drill the message of your last couples posts into my head! Maybe it'll finally stick at some point between now and June, haha.
January 26, 2010 7:54 am
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@ misslippy- problem is, there are some folks out there who have this mindset that guest=gift. so if you invite a lot of people, all it really means is that you want a lot of gifts.
which is obviously a load of CRAP because a toaster would be way less expensive for me than a spot at my wedding. way WAY.
but i think that may be where the whole "guest imposition" thing has its roots.
January 26, 2010 7:58 am
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This is great. Thanks so much. My fiance's family lives across the country and I have been worrying about this. But then I remember that he & I have flown out there for multiple family weddings and had a great time.
Also I can't imagine feeling burdened by a wedding. I am always so honored to get invited to celebrate with someone! I have to remind myself that (hopefully) most of our guests will feel the same way when they get our invites.
January 26, 2010 8:09 am
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Oh Meg, all of my doubts and fears and feelings of wedding failure are solved on your blog. Seriously. Thank you.
We had several asshats. Actually, it's a long story, but really… ass hat indeed!!!
Thanks.
January 26, 2010 8:33 am
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I agree with the commenter who said "it's relative." Last year I was invited to a destination wedding and it was made pretty clear that the friendship would be over if I didn't accept. This was a great financial burden, used 50% of my vacation days for the year, led to me missing an important religious holiday with my family, was a rather uncomfortable 4 or 5 days in another country with many people I didn't know, and it turns out, our friendship suffered anyway. I know two others who declined their invitations due to financial concerns and in both of those instances, my "friend" took it personally and the friendships were cut off. I hope this is an isolated, extreme case. That being said, I truly agree with the main point of Meg's post, which is very refreshing!
January 26, 2010 8:35 am
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I definitely needed to see this!!!! Thanks for the great post!
January 26, 2010 8:58 am
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I have to add my voice to the people saying that destination weddings are a bit of a different thing in this discussion of imposing on guests (and by destination, I mean everyone having to fly there). I certainly don't want to bash destination weddings overall – because I think with the right mindset and in the right family it can be great – but for a lot of people I think it really IS an imposition on the guests. I know if one of my close friends opted to have a destination wedding, I would be very torn: while technically I could afford to go, I save up my money and vacation time for being able to visit my mom occasionally (she lives abroad). I would be heartbroken to not be at her wedding but I would also have to make a pretty big sacrifice to be able to go.
Of course, as we've been saying, guests are adults and can make this choice freely – I'm just saying it would be a tough choice (whether or not she pressured me to go).
January 26, 2010 9:47 am
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Thanks for this post… I've been struggling with a "friend of mine" who won't make the effort to come. I even asked her to be a bridesmaid because we were so close and her response was that she doesn't know if she can get time off work (she had a year advance notice). Since this, we aren't friends anymore but I feel greatful that this has happened. It really put our relationship in perspective. If I'm important enough to someone (within financial / distance constraints anyway), they will make the effort. I've had lesser issues with this with my other guests too so I'm so glad to hear I'm not the only one!
January 26, 2010 9:58 am
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I really needed this post. I have been having major guilt about the money my wedding party is spending despite them all saying they are fine with it….I am not normally a people pleaser type but I REALLY have been feeling like I just don't want anyone to feel burdened or put out ….despite spending a lot of money on some of their weddings and never feeling put out because I LOVE them…it's hard to see that they would feel the same way.
January 26, 2010 10:10 am
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Thank You!!! Very well put!
January 26, 2010 10:14 am
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You guys, I'm sort of assuming that you understand the flip side, we are all ALSO adults, and understand and take responsibility for the the ways that our wedding decisions effect others.
If everyone has to travel to come to a wedding – some people will be able to, and some people won't. The point is, they get to be adults and choose, just like you were an adult when you chose where to have it. We rather regularly turn down wedding invitations for far away weddings. We'd like to go, but lots of money is lots of money, and that's the way it goes. That said, when we can't go, we don't GUILT the couple, or make DEMANDS. Nope, we apologize send a sweet note, and buy a small gift. And it is what it is.
And destination weddings are, indeed, a different beast. When you make the choice to have one, you immediately have to let everyone off the hook on attending. Immediately. You tell them that you would be thrilled if they can make it, but you are NOT EXPECTING THAT OF THEM. And many who love you will come, and many who love you won't be able to. Because no. It's not up to us to plan other peoples vacations.
So. It's very shared responsibility. That said, getting married is NEVER an imposition (at least not the way y'all do it. Please.)
@Anon
We paid for several sets of hotel rooms for people we wanted there. We also offered to pay for plane tickets. It put us over budget. It was worth it to us. Again, that's part of being a grown up. It was important to us to get married in OUR home, and we decided it was worth it to us accept the consequences. It is what it is. That' s the joy and pain of being a grown up right? Personal responsibility for our decisions (whatever they are).
January 26, 2010 10:35 am
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to repeat what so many others have said, LOVE your blog!
as for being an imposition on our guests, we're having our wedding on a thursday night. my (extended) family's reaction, most of whom live within a 2-3 hour drive? 'how could we/why would we do such a thing? make me take a day off from work?' his extended family's reaction, almost all of whom live in s. africa, australia and new zealand, well, more of them are planning to come than we expected! maybe its because they would have to take time off regardless, but it just reaffirms why i never felt the need or desire to have a big wedding (unfort for me, fiance does NOT agree! maybe because he has a sane family he wants to celebrate with!)
luckily our friends (who are all over the place) cannot wait to celebrate with us, and are psyched we're giving them an excuse for an extra-long holiday weekend (its the thursday before memorial day).
i actually have the opposite problem though – feeling like i'm imposing on people who we know already won't be able to come. like 80% of fiance's guest list from his hometown (st louis, wedding is in ct), mostly family acquaintenances whose weddings his parents have attended, or who were invited to his brothers wedding which was local – they feel obliged to invite, i feel terrible because we know they can't afford to travel but will feel they need to get us a gift.
before you say i / my family should put our collective foot down, his family is paying for half the wedding. so luckily cost isn't an issue. but my comfort level is, and i keep imagining that all these people they say won't actually come, do actually come. its been the major (only, really) issue we've argued over. well, aside from me losing the "let's have a small intimate wedding" battle, but i knew that before we even got engaged!
sorry for the long rant! anyone else out there having a practical 'large' wedding? not an easy feat to pull off!
January 26, 2010 10:36 am
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Thank you so much for this post! Our family and friends are scattered every which way so anywhere we had our wedding would have been a "destination" for more than half the guests we invited. Despite this, we are still hearing negative things about how far it is to fly to the Florida Keys.
I'm also hearing only negative things from my mom (my parents are divorced) about how awful my wedding is going to be for her and my brother and how cruel I am for imposing certain people on her. It's been really difficult for me not to feel incredibly guilty about having a wedding at all, so this post helped me feel a little better at least!
January 26, 2010 10:55 am
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