So. It turns out I have several unpublished posts from the days leading up to our wedding. Things were hard, my mom was very ill, and I wrote stuff down, but didn’t always feel strong enough to share it with the world. So I’m sharing it with you now. Because it’s part of the story.
Dear Team Practical,
Big sigh from over here. We are (my Knot countdown says… I only go to the Knot to see my countdown) 40 days away from our wedding. My Knot countdown also says I have roughly 100 tasks un-done before the wedding, but it’s incorrect on that front. Being a super organized ex-event planner, I wanted the last month of the planning to be as stress free as possible, so we have very few tasks left to go. And then my mom got sick… and that brings a whole different level of real world stress to our lives. I find that I’m so emotionally distracted that when people ask me things like what shoes I’m going to wear for the wedding, I sort of look blank and say, “Um. The ones I’ve got I think, I’m not totally sure.”
So, what I find odd is that I keep ricocheting between this feeling of, “Oh my GOD I just want to be married already!” Because A) Real life is stressful right now and the wedding can be another layer of stress and B) as much as we’ve planned for the wedding, and as important as having a meaningful wedding is to us, it’s our MARRIAGE that I’m really excited about. And then there are other moments when it feels like the wedding is really real and really close, and I think about wearing my homemade veil and walking down the aisle and dancing and dancing and dancing, and I want to jump up and down from excitement.
Which is all to say, weddings are really complicated emotional times. Sometimes the hardest part for me is feeling like I SHOULD feel really happy for this whole final month. That I SHOULD be overjoyed, or I’m not doing it right. I feel like my excitement shouldn’t be tempered with any other feelings, or with just wanting to be married. My dear internet girlfriend, the very wise Amanda reminded me this week, that their are no ‘shoulds,’ there is only how we feel. That holding ourselves to a ideal standard when that’s not what we feel only creates more stress. Plus, my super smart fiance pointed out that it’s getting married that should be full of joy, not the party itself (which can sometimes be stressful). So, if we’re excited about our marriage, we’re on the right track.
So over the next few weeks I’m going to just let myself go from feeling very excited, to wanting to be married already, to zen, to whatever else I feel… even if I feel all those things all in the same five minutes. And I’m going to try to remind myself that that is OK. Weddings are a complicated time, and there can be other emotions mixed in with joy and excitement, and that is… dare I say… normal. Anyone else in the same complicated boat?