I've been a little bummed that we've had no wedding planning voices on the site since I got married, and stopped blogging about the fresh hell that is wedding planning (achem, I mean delightful relaxing time). So when reader Sarah sent this rant in, I had a very 'sister preach it' reaction. And so Wedding Undergraduates was born (Like wedding graduates, but still in school).
I want to specifically comment about the lack of trust she talks about... people inherently not trusting brides. It's interesting, because I hear that across the board (and experienced that), and I'm not sure where it comes from. I do know that when planning a sane wedding, it feels like you get it from all sides. On the one hand you have people assuming you're doing everything just like they did... when you're not... which can be awkward, and on the other side you have people making nasty assumptions about all of the horrible BRIDAL things you're doing... which you're also not... which can make you want to punch them in the face (is that just me?). So with that, let's hear it for Sarah:
I am not a planner. I have faith that most things work themselves out, and I don’t stress over much. My future husband is the same way. We have impromptu dinner parties, we decide Friday morning to have a weekend getaway. Brunch with the fam? We call them on Sunday morning. Maybe it’s procrastination, or possibly a bit of laziness, but I like to think that we live in the moment and that we’re free spirits who don’t own agendas and whose calendars display August in November.
And now we’re planning a wedding. An outdoor wedding, on a farm 40 minutes outside the city, with 150 invites. In five months. On a budget.
We’ve been through some initial disagreements: I gave him a piece of my mind when he asked sarcastically if my girlfriends and I were going to talk about weddings all night at an upcoming party. I calmly explained to him that he is not allowed to “just show up” and that I’m not someone who’s going to become a “bridezilla” (whatever that means...). Since then we’ve pretty much been on the same page. He even suggested that we buy a notebook to keep track of our wedding planning ideas and experiences. He’s actively researching our food possibilities (friends of ours own a local restaurant, but I’m vegan so it’ll take some coordination), he’s really excited to design the invitations, and he’s talked me down from the ledge on more than one occasion (every once in awhile I have a good cry and ask why we can’t just elope?). As the wedding gets closer, I am reminded more and more why I love him, and how confident I am in us spending the rest of our lives together.
But. I was not prepared for everyone else around us to be so...untrusting of our decisions. It started early on: You’re getting married outside? You need a tent! (Our plan B is using the barn if it rains). You want white bridesmaid dresses? Maybe you should pick a different colour; white can make people look too pale. Vintage thrift store plates? That’s so much work, why don’t you just rent them? Here, let me call to get a price for you. What do you mean there’s no seating plan?! You’re not hiring a photographer? But how will you remember the day?!!! (Do I have short-term amnesia that I’m not aware of? I don’t need my wedding to look like a spread in a magazine and we know enough people with digital cameras – I’m sure ONE shot will turn out).
And right now we’re stuck on flowers. I want poppies (I think a bright pink/red combo against white sundresses and light blue sashes will work...) and Poppy is my grandmother’s name so I think it’s appropriate. But it’s like I’ve suggested using dead twigs or something. Poppies wilt too fast; they’ll make everyone think of Remembrance Day; it’ll look like the 4th of July! Why don’t you just use daisies? It’s more you! (Often my favourite: getting a lecture on who I am, in case I was unsure...) On and on.
I agree I’m impulsive. I’m not known for thinking things through. And I suppose we are doing things differently. There’s no giant spreadsheet of tasks, just some scribbles in a notebook, phone numbers and addresses on scraps of paper clipped to a page. The dress I bought was the first one I tried on (it’s from BCBG and I love it!) and I have seven bridesmaids while he only has five groomsmen. I’ve been getting this feeling that everyone thinks our wedding will be a disaster if they don’t step in and “help out.” Due to the organizational part of my brain that seems to be missing, all of my ideas are apparently ridiculous and beyond the realm of comprehension.
I’m realizing that an engagement is not necessarily a time to prepare for a wedding. For me, it seems to be a fine-tuning of who I am. I am learning to be comfortable with the strange looks I get when I say future husband will be wearing Birkenstocks for our ceremony. I am learning to defend my decisions to the people who love me most. I am learning to say “no” to them with kindness, because I’m also learning that they are offering their opinions from a place of love. I am learning that there will always be a “better” way to do things, but whatever that way is, it’s irrelevant.
I am not a planner. So I am not looking at my wedding as “planning an event.” I am looking at it like an opportunity for us to be creative, to have fun, to use our talents to express ourselves and create an amazing party for our friends and family. I am not “planning a perfect day” because I am aware that “perfection” does not exist. Not in a partner, not in a marriage and certainly not in a wedding. I am not going to spend hours negotiating with a caterer, but I might spend a few Saturdays looking for those vintage plates. I spent a total of one hour picking my wedding dress, but I spent a whole afternoon creating our Save the Dates (with an old typewriter, a picture of us from a costume party and a scanner). My poppies might wilt, and a bridesmaid in a white dress might hold a blue glass and a red strawberry at the same time which might make it look like the 4th of July. However, contrary to popular opinion, I have faith that everything will be fine. Waking up the next morning married to the man I love is all that really matters.
(And yes. Obviously Sarah will be coming back, like it or not, a wedding graduate. We'll see you on the other side, lady!) This also means, if you have a particular wedding planning story that you really need to share, send it in.
@Rosedith
I think that's a go-with-your-gut thing. We spent a few thousand on photography, and I fretted a bit, and holy cr*p. What we got was worth four times what we paid, and they are treasures.
That said, some of my favoriet pictures come from the polaroid we gave our friends to play with. They are truly amazing and emotional and real.
So. Whatever works. And your gut usually has a pretty darn good idea on that. (and if you do hire a photographer, you MUST go with your gut on that one.)
March 2, 2010 3:35 pm
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so yeah, those save-the-dates are off-the-hook. and can I just say, you are awesome!!!! and as soon as I get home from work I will be reading all of the other comments as well ;).
who says "white makes people look pale" to a bride?????
and maybe this is the wrong place to put this but… I totally love that you are doing poppies, but they might wilt, so you could consider fake ones or some fake ones and probably save some money on them in the process.
March 2, 2010 3:40 pm
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wow. apparently i am not alone (judging not only by this post, but by all the comments!!). that's nice to know.
wedding planning sure is a learning experience. so far, i've (apparently) learned that: there's no possible way that my fiance could cook pancakes for our 60 guests (even though he wants to and he's good at it), even though we don't drink, we should provide plenty of alcohol at our MORNING wedding (it's just what people do!), and 60 people can't deal with 2 outhouses– we just have to rent a port-a-potty. in addition to a million other little details that i never wanted to care about.
thanks a million for this post!!!!!!
March 2, 2010 3:57 pm
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Maybe I'm too early in my planning, but I haven't come across this yet. Or maybe I have and it hasn't happened enough for it to irk me. Like when I was talking to the church secretary about how I was thinking about using the fellowship hall for the reception to keep things sane, and she was saying how it would be great to keep the limousine costs down as they'd only be coming to one site. Of course she got whisked away before I could tell her that I will probably arrive in my dad's car and leave in my husband's. Well, we'll see how the planning goes!
March 2, 2010 5:21 pm
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omg, this IS my wedding planning life!
One of the problems with weddings: After you've planned your own, you're pretty sure you're an expert. And you may reflect back on your own mistakes and assume you can help everyone else (ME!) avoid same mistakes.
I'm still working on the nicest way to tell folks: I'm happy to make my own mistakes! (and kinda confident I'm not making your mistakes!)
March 2, 2010 5:47 pm
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Yay for undergraduates!
@D-Day: Yes, I am starting to feel like blog-land is a happy bubble that I LOVE but nobody else has ever heard of. My mother can't imagine how anyone could ever arrange their own flowers, or how non-tuxified groomsmen could possibly look classy enough, or that i don't CARE about cake toppers!! and etc. So I want to say, well I know all these people who did it and rocked it! But actually, I just lurk on their blogs. Which she has never seen.
Another occurence of incorrect assumptions: during my first gown-trying-on excursion, the David's Bridal staff put a chapel-length veil plus face blusher on my head (why do they just put veils on your head without, like, asking?) and I felt so….. packaged. I think I may have shivered a bit. But how do you explain that what someone else thinks is beautiful is my idea of awful(without being a bitch)? So I just silently got rid of the damn thing.
March 2, 2010 7:26 pm
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I think that my favorite instance of this was when I would ask for help so that something wouldn't cost an arm and a leg and people would tell me that I probably wouldn't find anyone who would be willing to do that and I should just hire someone.
This happened more than once and every time I found someone. So, why was it necessary to step on my attempts?
March 2, 2010 7:34 pm
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Oh, I could have written that post six hundred times over. Sing it, sister!
What is it about the low maintenance way of doing things that COMPLETELY freaks people out? I have managed to run my life quite well for the last thirty years. I think I can manage to plan a wedding and know what I want out of it.
March 2, 2010 7:43 pm
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people are crazy… those poppies sound absolutely perfect, lol.
March 2, 2010 8:40 pm
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I got married in August and am also not a "planner". By the day before the wedding I cared so little I sent other people to pick out flowers at the farmers market instead of going myself (flowers are flowers). We also decided that friends and family could be our photographers for the same reason you did. HOWEVER, my dislike of staged photos meant that I didn't even think about family pictures. At all. It didn't even occur to me to take the time to make sure there were at least a few of everyone. This means that there is not A SINGLE picture of my mom at the wedding (she was taking care of food stuff and the like). Don't make the same mistake and be sure to make some time to get pictures with your family. Aside from that, the whole minimal planning thing was great for us. Good luck!
March 2, 2010 10:10 pm
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*YES!!* I had to strongly resist the urge to read this entire post out loud to my roommates as this is EXACTLY what I have been dealing with these past 2 weeks. I sent out my save the dates and upon receiving them, my family tried to stage a coup to move the wedding from Seattle to LA (because didn't I realize that if we had it in Seattle "no one" would come?). Sarah's comments about the engagement period really being a period of self discovery could not resonate more strongly with me. So THANK YOU MEG & SARAH for this post – I can't wait to see more wedding undergraduate stories in the future!! (oh yeah – and I totally printed and taped this post to my bedroom wall so I can be reminded of all the strong, sassy and thoughtful individuals who are standing up and holding strong to what they believe in)
March 2, 2010 11:32 pm
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Well, let me tell you I AM a planner (I work as a project manager!!!), and nobody trusts me either to organize this wedding!
It always amazes me how everyone thinks they "own" our wedding and how they know better than us!
March 3, 2010 12:09 am
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yay for doing things YOUR way. I'm planning a NYC barn wedding myself (queens farm!) and my fiance and I have (knock wood) kept everyone out of the decision making realm to minimize the opinions. it's been fun, it feels like 'us', and we plan to just enjoy it all and not get wound up on the details. not enough couples realize the importance of personal touches– or aren't guided enough to realize that their wedding CAN be personalized, because the wedding industry is such a behemoth. Wave your freak flag, and wave it high! it's what makes people love you, after all– and it's what will make them remember the thought & detail you brought to your wedding for them! enjoy it all. And good luck with the vintage plates!! if you find a treasure trove, let me know– i've been on the same thought plane but it's been a bit elusive. maybe there should be vintage plate sharecropping or something?
xo
March 3, 2010 6:55 am
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one word: REFRESHING!
March 3, 2010 8:15 am
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Ok, so perhaps I'm way off base. Maybe you all do have psycho families and friends who think you are truly incompetent and incapable of choosing your own tablecloths. But perhaps, if I may, consider that *maybe* they are just trying to help. Planning a wedding, no matter how simple, is work, much in the same way as planning ANY party. Details get lost, there are things that any, even the most organized and capable of us all, are bound to forget or not think about. Especially if, heaven forbid, you dare to have a life while also planning a wedding. I think it sends us down a dangerous path if we assume that everyone who offers a piece of advice or questions some aspect of a choice we have made is also questioning our ability or our competency. Certainly we are battling a ginormous industry that thrives on making us question ourselves into buying crap we have never even heard of. And many of us are also battling family expectations, cultural expectations, budget realities, etc. But the thing that has kept me from going completely ape through this whole process is knowing that my friends ultimately LOVE me and that their intentions *really* are just to help in whatever way they can.
March 3, 2010 9:11 am
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lima bean – you are absolutely right that most of the (unsolicited) input family & friends give is from a place of love, from people just trying to help. and I think absolutely the only way to survive the process is to keep reminding yourself of that very fact.
However, I also think given the context (a thread on APW), it can probably be assumed that we are mostly all aware of that, and most of the things we would complain about are things that go above and beyond that level. of course it's always nice to have a place like this to unload your annoyance about something even when you fully realize no harm was intended.
Also, "just trying to help" is such an easy thing to hide nasty words behind, I don't think we should excuse these things and accept them as a welcome part of the process, just because someone thinks they're being loving and helpful by telling you that a mermaid-style dress will just make your ass look bigger than it already does (or whatever). You shrug it off because you know they have good intentions but that doesn't really mean they had any right to say it.
March 3, 2010 1:40 pm
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What drives me nuts is that people assume that planning is not fun. With the exception of a small handful of instances, I have enjoyed every single moment of the planning process. Yes it's been stressful and hard. But not the entire time. I've had so many opportunities to stretch my creative limits and the results have been fabulous!
March 3, 2010 2:56 pm
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@Becky
That's lucky. And rare. Relish that.
March 3, 2010 5:29 pm
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@LimaBean, I was going to respond, but @d-day hit the nail on the head. I trust my readers are smart and self aware enough to know the difference between kindly help, and not trusting you. And there is a rather substantial difference.
March 3, 2010 5:30 pm
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….AND…. that in no way means other people's families are 'psycho.' Please stay kind.
March 3, 2010 5:31 pm
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Sarah – your wedding will be fabulous! Don't let anyone's meddling discourage you… including my own.
Love, Karen.
March 3, 2010 8:23 pm
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awesome awesome awesome post. I'm a total planner and have managed events for hundreds of people, but for some reason I get the same crap and everyone assumes I don't know what I'm doing and can't make good decisions about our own wedding. (All except my awesome and amazing fiance, he has total trust in my skills at least :-))
it's crazy though! I'm one of the first of my friends to get married and I've made a mental note to myself to not treat any of them like people are treating me!
I echo the sentiments of the awesomeness of the concept of wedding undergraduate! I've got 7 more months of it ahead so I'd love to see how others are getting through it as well!
March 3, 2010 9:22 pm
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Great post. Excellent idea, undergraduates.
March 4, 2010 4:36 am
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I relate to this article so much it's scary! My mom is my biggest critic and although I love her to bits, she seems to think I'm incapable of planning a beautiful wedding because I'd rather not do this or that and I like this over this. It's so frustrating and I've had a few break downs already and my wedding is still a year and a half away! Like others have mentioned, it was really nice to read a post like this, totally made my day better!
I even wrote about it in my wedding planning blog!
March 4, 2010 3:21 pm
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Wow, after reading all your comments, I'm feeling very lucky that my family is as chill as my partner and I are. (Our biggest problem is that my fiancĂŠ and I are pretty indecisive, so people say things like "Flowers?" and we say, "Yes." rather than "Purple hydrangeas accented with tiny white daisies"!)
However, it is really nice to have this new undergraduate series, as there are so many things that come up while planning a party this size that we all have in common. It'll be nice to get ideas from how other people resolve the issues!
March 6, 2010 3:50 am
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Thank you so much for this post – It pretty much sums up how me and soon to be husband have been feeling these last 3 months! A little of perspective is always helpful – thanks!
March 14, 2010 11:29 am
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Can I just say 'thank you' for this sentence: "I am learning to defend my decisions to the people who love me most. I am learning to say “no� to them with kindness, because I’m also learning that they are offering their opinions from a place of love."
I've been struggling with my mother-in-law for the past month, who is an uber-planner, always the hostess-with-the-mostest (she does put on a good party). But I couldn't figure out why I was having a hard time dealing with her. That is, until I read the sentence quoted above and it hit home. I've been feeling this incredible guilt and uncomfortable cringe every time she suggests something and I have to turn down the suggestion. Its come to the point where I cringe a little at the incoming suggestion bombs every time I talk to her. But now, I realize, she is just trying to help out, in the ways that she knows how and that it is out of love. I just hope she understands that I have a vision, and it doesn't involve mirrors or crunched up tablecloths in the centerpieces. I just hope that she understands I appreciate her help, and appreciate her willingness to make suggestions, no matter how large the suggestion bombs.
March 15, 2010 9:52 pm
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