Whoa. In going through archived posts last night, I found this one, unpublished. I wrote this two months before our wedding, and I never published it, because it just made me feel to vulnerable. I can tell you now, that during this week, REALLY hard stuff happened. I cried, very hard, a lot. And looking back, yes, it was rock bottom, and yes, it was worth crying about. And yes it got better. But when all this hard stuff was happening, when I told people (or hinted to it on the blog) people would tell me, “Don’t worry, you’ll be married in the end!” And I’d want to scream, “I f*cking know that, but that does not make this moment any less painful.” But I shut up and hunkered down and plowed through. So now that it’s over, now that you know how wonderful it was in the end, I’m going to finally hit publish on this. This is for you, whoever you are, crying yourself to sleep over some part of the wedding. This is my hug, lady, because I needed one then:
I hit what I sincerely hope will be rock bottom of wedding planning last week. I cried myself to sleep at least once, and David and I had a few bouts of yelling at each other. Why am I admitting to this? Well, first of all, I’m feeling much better now so it feels safe to talk about it. But mostly I’m talking about it because I think that wedding planning often isn’t easy, and our desire to speak only about the good parts of it can make you feel isolated and crazy when things get hard.
There are infinite stressors in planning weddings, but as a somewhat-indie-bride, I find that one of the pressures is to act like you’ve got it under control, and like your wedding isn’t really a big deal anyway, so who cares? Well. If only, right? Here is the real truth: weddings involve a lot of really big important things, they involve family, grappling with tradition, relationships with friends, and with an externalization of your values, just to name a few. Weddings have a way of bringing long-standing issues to the surface, of forcing you to deal with things you would rather ignore. So when I say I cried myself to sleep over the wedding, I don’t mean that I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t find stamps that matched my envelopes precisely. Please. I cried myself to sleep over good friends who were not there when we needed them, over how much work I had to do and how overwhelmed I felt by it, over caring about my wedding when the world was telling me that I shouldn’t care. In short, I cried over big stuff. And when two people are sad about big stuff, sometimes they yell at each other. That’s how it rolls.
Part of what happened this week is that at two months out, the wedding transitioned hard and fast from fantasy to reality. In fantasy wedding-land your wedding is still about your inspiration board, your invitation designs, and what style dress you want (Not like these things can’t be stressful too. Lordy.) In reality wedding-land, your wedding is about scheduling, about hauling, about set-up, about manual labor. In fantasy wedding-land, your wedding is about the ambient joy you will share with your guests on the day that you join your life in partnership with your beloved.* In reality, your wedding is about the fact that some people you care about will not end up coming to your wedding, and that your planned guest count might not match your real guest count. Of course, there will also be people that step up and help in ways you never dreamed of, and people that fly all the way across the country and the world to be with you on your wedding day. While these things are infinitely more important than the disappointments you will face, I’ve found that the fantasy prepares you for the wonderful parts, but never mentions the harder parts.
I’ve planned events for a living, so I’m lucky to not have the stress of having to plan a party for 125 and not having the first clue where to start. However, I had the shocking realization this week that I was planning a party for 125 with a very full time job, and no staff to help out. On Monday, I spent the day off slaving over my spreadsheets scheduling hauling and timing. At one point I looked up at David and said, “Oh God, why is this so much work?” and David reminded me, “Well, we’re trying not spend a lot. That means a lot of work for us.” I think, at least for us, we’ve been caught betwixt and between, again. We can’t afford (and don’t want) a wedding planner, but we no longer live in an age where we have tons of family and friends who live close by and view a wedding as a community event that they throw for the bride and groom. We are lucky to have family and friends who will help us during the week of the wedding, and who are taking on small bits of planning for us now, but the bulk of the responsibility is ours. And that leaves us with spreadsheets, and time tables, and lists.
Being a modern bride or groom often means feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. Weddings are events. Events are hard work. Weddings are emotional, and not always in a good way. Yet through it all, we are supposed to keep our game face on. Never yelling, never crying, never complaining, always emphasizing how lovely our marriage will be and how in love we are with our colors/details/style. Well, I’m not playing that game. We can be practical sane grounded brides, and still get stressed out by the hard work of planning and by the difficult emotional stuff. That says nothing about our marriages, nothing about our enjoyment of the wedding day, and nothing about our priorities. It just says we’re here, we’re human, we’re paying attention, and sometimes this is hard.
*Having been through it now, I can say there really is so much joy. But there is pain too. It’s a little like being born. Hard in the middle, new, in the end, and wonderful. And worth it.
Thanks for posting this. It is good to hear that wedding planning isn't always a joyful experience and I agree that it usually is not shared within the blogosphere. So again, thank you.
But just out of curiosity, what kind of lists and spreadsheets were you making related to scheduling, hauling, labor, etc at two months into the planning? I'm one month in (8 months to go!) and I've got spreadsheets comparing photographers, caterers, hotel blocks, etc, and Word docs with decorative elements and their costs, but that's about it. Since I've never organized a big event, and you have, I thought you might want to clue me in as to what I'm missing.
March 19, 2010 4:52 am
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Ah, this is just what I needed to read today.
I am about 2 1/2 months out right now, and going through exactly what you described, except for the fact that I hadn't yet been able to put into words why or how I suddenly stopped having fun and started having restless nights over how exactly we would break down the ceremony space with our guests in the same room, and who would put the tablecloths on all our tables, etc. So thanks for the reminder that stressing about these things doesn't make me a bridezilla, it just makes me human.
March 19, 2010 5:15 am
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Great post, so glad you decided to publish it!
I try not to play that kind of game too. It's so hard because people assume that if you're upset about your wedding, you must be crying over something stupid like invitations or stamps. But what a lot of people don't realize (and honestly, I was probably one of these people prior to being engaged) is that the emotional side of planning a wedding is 1,000 times harder than everything else combined. Stressers like catering and the DJ are nothing compared to dealing with parents who disapprove, trying to fit into a new family, involving the people you love and facing the emotional disappointments when things don't work out. I think the "at the end of the day, you'll still be married" phrase should only be applied to detail situations like stamps. It doesn't work so well when you're dealing with an emotional dilemma.
March 19, 2010 5:19 am
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Thanks for sharing and being open and honest.
It's embarrassing but I have cried over some of these bigger things and even over the smaller parts of wedding planning and have felt pretty stupid about it. Wedding planning is probably one of the most stressful things I'm going through, and when I was open and honest about it to my brides, I've realized to many of them could also relate… and then we were there to support each other.
March 19, 2010 5:21 am
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Meg, your blog really helps to normalize my pre-wedding experience, post-wedding experience. I've carried around this slight feeling of guilt, ever since our wedding in June. I had a few big fights with my husband. I cried a lot about 1-2 months out. I was overwhelmed, exhausted and had sole reponsibility for every aspect of the event. (Luckily, my husband was willing to do anything I asked of him–within reason, of course.) My emotional responses to the situation left me feeling like a horrible person and anything but a bride (based on what I had been told about how I should feel). You help me to believe that this happens more than we discuss. And you know what?!?! It's OK!
March 19, 2010 5:50 am
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Meg, thank you. our wedding is two weeks away. it is the middle of the night where i am and my fiance and i have had more fights during the last few weeks than we have in nearly ten years together. probably doesn't help that i am also facing pressure at work (90 odd hours a week for the last little while, up from the 70 hours a week of the last year). You have just made me feel like what we are going through is normal and that just because we are fighting now does not mean that our marriage is going to be a disaster. of course it's not, it just feels very frightening to feel so out of control and vulnerable. thanks
March 19, 2010 6:05 am
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@Meg: Thank you. I feel like I'm perpetuating the "brides must be this one way" by NOT talking about how difficult things can be, but the difficult things are also the most private things, and deep-seated family things, and I can't talk about that with anyone but my closest. So when coworkers ask "how's the wedding planning going?" I usually just say, "oh, fine, just found a great deal on bud vases online, super excited about that." (which is also true, but not nearly the entire story).
@missfancypants: 100% agree
@A-L: I am 4 months out, and have just started the logistical planning piece. Although we aren't doing any BIG things ourselves (I thought I'd want to be a total "DIY bride" but turns out I have no interest in dealing with food, flowers, music, etc. so we've found fabulous wedding elves for that)– there is still quite a bit of coordination involved. I'm starting with a "master production timeline" that literally just lists everything that needs to happen that day, and when. Hair appointments, arrival at venue, photo times, when the cake will arrive, etc. This is a good exercise for me to go through to make sure I am not missing anything, and then I will give the final copy to everyone that needs it. The DJ, the florist, etc., and also one to my nicenice friend who is acting as "production manager" that day. It'll be like the script for the day. Except once its written, and the day arrives, it'll likely feel more like an improv– a well-armed improv.
March 19, 2010 6:09 am
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I started crying in the car yesterday with David and about how much there is to do and how tired I am and how the caterer just won't return my phone calls. As a feminist and a kinda-sorta indie bride I want to be totally unconcerned and not a "bridezilla" and I think the guilt about being stressed exacerbates the stress. I think it's important to make being stressed and sad and crying normal and okay and not bridezilla-y.
March 19, 2010 6:16 am
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Oh, my gosh, Meg, thank you for this post. I was venting to my fiance the other night about how I have been trying SO hard to be "cool" about the wedding and to not care, because that's what you're supposed to do if you're not a pretty-pretty-princess bride. But I DO care, because it's my freaking WEDDING, and I am tired of being ashamed of that.
We are a month and a half out and I must say that I prefer reality-wedding-land. Yes, I'm worried about how we're going to handle the logistics (my mom has been stressing about that for six months), but I would rather deal with schedules and transportation stuff than keep feeling like a failure for a) not caring enough; and b) caring too much. Defined tasks and problems, I know how to handle. So does my logical, unemotional family.
You hit the nail on the head as to how I've been feeling. "Don't stress" and "You'll be married in the end" would help if I freaked out about details, but I don't. I freak out because my in-laws are crazy and I'm going to be dealing with them for the rest of my life, and because my mom is upset, and because my guy still hasn't gotten my wedding ring or fixed the transmission in his car (which we're planning to drive on our road-trip honeymoon!). I'm worried because our pastor keeps forgetting to call us back and I really don't have a Plan B for an officiant (online ordinations aren't valid in this state). I wish I were a zen bride, but…
March 19, 2010 6:46 am
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@A-L
That's another post. You might not need them. We had a biggish wedding and needed a lot of help, so we had a detailed document with 'shifts' – who was doing what when, and schedule.
March 19, 2010 6:49 am
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Thank you for posting this. I am now on the other side, having gotten married this past Sunday, but still trying to get my thoughts in order and feel confident about so many things.
Thank you :)
March 19, 2010 6:55 am
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This takes me back to two weeks before my wedding, when I had a hair trial with a hairdresser I had never met, and she did a crappy job. And I went home with my hair kind of pretty but not what I wanted, and Jeff told me that she did a bad job. And then I was crying my heart out and yelling at him that the wedding was two weeks away and I had paid good money for this stupid hair trial and what was I supposed to do and I felt hopeless that I would figure it out and I didn't have time and my oldest friend wasn't coming and she had just told me and everything was so expensive I had so many stupid paper flowers to make and my mom wanted to walk me down the aisle and I didn't want her to and and by the way I never wanted to be a homeowner and I couldn't believe that we had bought a house a year ago and and and. And on top of all that, I was crying because I sincerely believed that I should not care about my hair, and I did care, and I was embarrassed about caring. It is HARD. So keep on telling it like it is, Meg- the end result is beyond amazing, but it is important, and it does matter, and it's not easy.
Word verification- Fruck! Which might just sum all this up perfectly!
March 19, 2010 7:01 am
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Thanks for posting this. This is exactly how I feel RIGHT NOW. I am losing my mind, I am 4 months away, and am ready to say Eff-it. I waiting 6 years for this, and here I am, losing my mind. And I feel that it's all self-inflicted, and I feel guilty about complaining about it, and I feel overwhelmed and angry, and no one in my circle understands why. Your post hits the nail on the head… I am doing a ton of work because I'm not willing ot spend a ton of money.. and people don't get that.
March 19, 2010 7:02 am
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Thank you so much for this post, Meg. I generally don't comment on blogs but you moved me to speak in order to tell you how very much this means to me. I have just spent a full week at what I hope is rock bottom! We also are 2 months out and the wedding reality is hitting hard. I feel like I spent a week crying about all of this, and then crying about crying! Thank you thank you thank you SO VERY MUCH for publishing this. It helps me know that I'm not "getting weird about this wedding stuff" (as my mother told me this week). Again, thank you!
March 19, 2010 7:28 am
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This post is bringing another long-time lurker out of the woodwork to say: THANK YOU. It seems weird to say this, but reading your blog over the past several months has been the turning point that made me believe I'll be able to handle the real parts of being married. The emotional part of combining lives has been so, so, so much harder than I could have imagined…and we haven't even set a date yet. Thank you for filling in the gaps, thank you for saying what my smug, Stepford-y friends (frenemies?!) won't tell me because they're too busy pretending to be perfect, thank you for saying what my mother can't say because she's twice-divorced and manic-depressive. What you do here is so unique and important. Thank you.
March 19, 2010 7:46 am
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As someone who is still living in fantasy wedding land, it is really good to about reality wedding land. I know sooner or later the conversations I need to have with certain family members are going to catch up with me, and those are going to be rough moments. I'm also expecting another emotional event in our family soon and I'm sure these things are going to rock me from the fantasy.
March 19, 2010 7:48 am
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Just added you as a link on my blog!
March 19, 2010 7:53 am
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YES! Exactly where I'm at right now, just over two months to go. We're planning this all by ourselves, and yet feel the need to maintain this illusion of "Oh, wedding planning is going great and it's all stress-free and wonderful." But you know what, it's not great all of the time. There are some very difficult conversations with family members and with each other. And I know exactly when I hit rock bottom.
And if I do tell people about the hard parts (yes, big things, not the shoes or the jewelry), I think it sounds like I'm complaining, when I "should" be focusing on the wonderful parts. Your post is right on.
March 19, 2010 7:58 am
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Thanks for the hug, Meg. I just entered reality-land in the planning. 35 days out from the big day, and all I need is a little validation to know I'm not crazy and can let go of the "I shouldn't care so much!" and "I shouldn't be this worried!"
March 19, 2010 8:02 am
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Thank you so so much for posting this. I cannot tell you how many of your experiences I have shared. It is really nice to know I am not alone or abnormal and to know that in the end it will all shake out!
March 19, 2010 8:10 am
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Thank you Meg. This post is exactly why the wedding is already stressing me out, even from a year away. I've planned the big events professionally too, and I can see down the line how overwhelming this is, how we're so constrained-yet-overwhelmed but the budget and lack of significant help (although we do have some important supports, of course) and how there's no where to erally talk about it because I'm supposed to be so effing perfect with my 70 hour workweek and volunterring and blogging and laid back wedding and eeeeeeeeeef. And it's even harder because my partner doesn't see it, not really, and so when I try and make decisions that will make the day and flow easier he wants to hang fucking lanterns and streamers from the cieling that morning (with what? effing? time?!!!)No one sees it but me (yet) and I don't feel able to talk about it (like you mentioned). So thank you for this, and at least five minutes worth of space to talk about it. And really, I'm going to be holding on the the hopes of After and saying eff it eff it eff it left and right in those last two months and checking back here to know I'm not insane.
March 19, 2010 8:16 am
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Irish Catholic family versus alcohol-is-the-devil some kind of Christian denomination family. We're six months out and neither of us subscribe to either of our families religious beliefs, so I'm just waiting for the emotional stress to sneak up on me like a final exam!
March 19, 2010 8:24 am
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I am going THROUGH IT right now about F*CKING FLOWERS. All I want is a single hydrangea in a milk glass vase (which I already own) and we're being charged $17 a vase. Now I'm eternally greatful that my parents are paying for flowers and my mom is pretty much shutting down any chance of going DIY because we're gonig to be busy but that's $500 I KNOW we could save and spend somewhere else…like buying our sister's dresses or splurging a little more on decor.
I dare not say a word to my mother but the thought of spending THAT MUCH MONEY for something so simple is kind of giving me a heart attack. It also doesn't help that she knows the florist and we're not even getting any kind of deal, which I know I shouldn't expect but it would still be nice, you know?
March 19, 2010 8:40 am
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I could write a million responses to this, but I'll just say this: People need to talk about this pain more, because it's very real! Thank you, Meg, for trusting us with these feelings!
March 19, 2010 8:40 am
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First of all, thank you all for your courageous and intimate revelations. It certainly strengthens this community, and they're oh-so-valuable in many ways – including the "real" factor, which the WIC does NOT want us discussing.
However, I'm 11 mos out. Fantasyland is an understatement. :-) That being said – someone tell me: did you manage to make it through the wedding gauntlet without losing your shit? (I sometimes lose my shit just because it's a Tuesday, for reference.) I'm not asking because anyone need EVER feel judged by their own personal responses to this stress, but because I'd love to know how to manage it. Work through it. Embrace the chaos.
Did anyone actually make it through to the other side without this seemingly-inevitable hellish turmoil going down?
Much love and a million buckets of gratitude to everyone who threw down their "real" in the comments section today. I <3 you all.
-k
March 19, 2010 8:51 am
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Thank you for the post. I am 8 weeks out from my wedding and the other night I actually said "I can't wait for this to be over" and I am really feeling sad that I feel this way. I really really want to like this process, but at this point I am just not… and I kind of don't know what to do about it. It feels like our life is an endless "To Do" list right now and very joy-less. How did you get the joy back after hitting bottom… ??
March 19, 2010 8:57 am
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Oh my god, thank you so so much for writing this. I keep trying to explain to people why I'm stressed out right now (less than a month out) and it boils down to working a full time job, and still having to produce this large 125-person event. When I do those events at work, I get paid to do it all day every day, and have a team of about 8 people to help me. They also allow me to bitch and moan when its getting hard.
For the wedding? No team, just me, sometimes with help from the bridesmaids (who btw are not these magical indie bridesmaids everyone seems to have who work in the industry and can provide me with endless hours of time and crafting). It is hard, and family saying 'oh – you do this for a living – it must be easy!' is not helping.
March 19, 2010 8:59 am
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We need to exchange the word "Bridezilla" for "I'm-going-crazy-planning-a-large-complicated-event-while-holding-down-a-full-time-job-and-navigating-family-dynamics".
Otherwise known as "I'm juggling 10 plates in the air and trying not to drop one."
March 19, 2010 9:00 am
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Thank you for sharing this. Thank you so much!! We are one month away and I regret everyday not going with my gut and eloping in Hawaii. I just want it to be over.
March 19, 2010 9:02 am
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Btw – can we discuss how annoying it is to see these gorgeous "indie" weddings featured in magazines and blogs that mention repeatedly how the couple is a designer/chef/insert creative profession here and their friends provided free food/labor/stationery/discounted products/time/energy/effort? I think it really sets up this unrealistic expectation of the type of free/discounted labor and expertise brides 'should' have access to.
March 19, 2010 9:08 am
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While I've crossed the rock-bottom valley and come out on the side of married bliss, I was -so- -there- a month or two before the wedding. While I had thankfully taken the semester off of school (because I would have failed most of my classes if I hadn't.. and I'm a damn good student) I was still incredibly busy. Working nearly full time, training for a promotion, and most stressfully, visiting some of my most beloved members of my family in the hospital most every day. My grandfather had a stroke 3 months out (and passed away 2 months after my wedding), and my dad got checked into a psych ward for a few weeks about a month out from the wedding. Oh, also, my brother-in-law "lost at minesweeper", as he puts it, in Afghanistan 2 months before the wedding. My sister was my matron of honor, though her newfound more important duties were obviously completely understood. Let's just say I was a little… STRESSED.
March 19, 2010 9:22 am
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it doesn't seem to make sense that such a thing exists but i am at a point where i am not talking about wedding planning and am just stopping for the moment because i am feeling torn in a similar way that it sounds like you were. on one side of the fence and to some family members i feel like i am always explaining my intentions to not have tuxs, or roses, or a string section as i walk down the aisle because they fear we are having a trashy family picnic, and in the same room feeling guilty talking to another soon to be bride family member that is truely dealing with it so cooly, so nonchalantly, and i guess "indie" that i feel shame and catch myself from telling her i know where she might be able to find a good dress for her relaxed event because that would reveal how deep i am in this wedding planning crap…i'm feeling always on my toes hyper self conscious and really really tired.
March 19, 2010 9:32 am
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You know, the other funny part is how people snark at you. We told another indie couple, when they asked around this time, that we were "A little stressed by the wedding." This made *sense* by the way – my mom was just out of the hospital, and unsure if she'd be able to make it through my wedding day, not to mention ALL THE REST OF THE CR*P DETAILED IN THE POST.
And they looked at us and said, "Oh, we were never stressed *we didn't have that kind of wedding*" Like, we were suddenly the nutso WIC couple. I was SO EFFING PISSED. Because what? I can't win? Judged on both sides? Not supposed to be stressed that my mom was ill?
And the funny thing is, looking back, I know they were LYING. Because I *now* remember talking to this couple a few weeks before their wedding, and them mentioning how overwhelmed they were.
So yeah. Not a lot of honesty out there, but a whole lotta judgement.
March 19, 2010 10:02 am
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This is your best post ever. The most needed, the most honest. Thank you for sharing it. I know I was there when planning my wedding, and I have two good friends in this place right now who I think will appreciate this very much.
Also, the analogies between birthing a baby and birthing a wedding are sometimes very relevant, if weird and kind of unfair to pregnant women.
March 19, 2010 10:31 am
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Oh my goodness. Yes. Yes. Sometimes I want to punch my wedding, myself, and everyone else in the face. But I feel like I'm not allowed to be upset because my wedding isn't a typical wedding. I'm Mormon and getting married in a Mormon temple, and because of this, some of my friends/family think that because the ceremony will only have about 20 people, that coming to the reception is not important. Or they can't afford it. Or they have just chosen not to come. I've tried to be cool, but man, it gets me down. Thank you for writing this. I feel less crazy.
March 19, 2010 10:45 am
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YES. Thank you for sharing this. I was unprepared for the reality that hit about 10 days before the wedding. Because of what was going on in my life and in my best friend's life (my MOH), I had a lot of tears and felt so exhausted. Those last days were emotionally HARD. And I felt like my wedding experience was abnormal because I had never heard a bride say anything about this. I wrote a post that addresses the reality and the mixture of sadness and joy that I experienced. To anyone that is having these difficult (non-all-bliss) emotions…you are not alone.
http://cuvikingadventures.blogspot.com/2010/01/next-time-well-get-it-right.html
March 19, 2010 10:49 am
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This post pretty much sums up Why The Wedding World Needs Meg.
Although it did leave me thinking, "…spreadsheets? Do…do I need spreadsheets?"
March 19, 2010 11:09 am
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Oh thank you Thank you Thank you for this post. I'm just under two months out from the wedding and it is all starting to hit. I was like "ooooo two months" and then I said "holy crappola- 2 MONTHS!"
And people don't seem to get that i'm not worried about it raining, or if the tables look okay or if I fall on my face while walking up the aisle. I'm worried about the ballooning guest list and all the people that i'm going to have to talk to (some of which i've never met). I'm worried because when I told my parents that "people you think won't come will come- the wedding blogs all say it" they didn't believe me and looky looky- those people were the first to RSVP YES.
I am planning from afar like many people and although, compared to many people on this site, am having a pretty traditional wedding, planning from far away stinks.
So thank you for this post.
Now I get to go try on my dress and hope the alterations are good!
March 19, 2010 11:53 am
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yes! THIS. *exactly* this. I want to well up and cry just reading this.
I am a month out. I am stressed. And I am overwhelmed. I am not a party planner, so I'm also clueless and figuring out (or, more often, screwing it up) as I go along.
And if I should ever be so brave as to admit to people that the pressure literally keeps me up at night, they think I'm this princess fretting about the fluff and sparkles of her pretty pretty day.
That's bullshit, and it pisses me the hell off.
March 19, 2010 11:53 am
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Oh Meg, I'm so glad you posted this. I'm about 3 months out, and as much as I've tried to remain nonchalant about it all, there have been some things during the planning that have just sucked. Glad to know I'm not alone.
March 19, 2010 11:53 am
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Thanks for this Meg. I recently realized that I was putting a huge amount of pressure on myself to be the chill bride, the caring about the meaning but not the details so I won't get stressed bride, the I don't buy into that crap
so it'll all be a breeze bride. Right. That worked well. It's amazing how much lighter it all feels after accepting that it will be stressful and hard at times. Thhis post fits with all of that, so thanks!
March 19, 2010 12:05 pm
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I'll add my thanks to the pile of everyone else's :) I really needed to read this. I am 4 months out and have already been struggling so many of the points you mentioned in this, especially with familial ambivalence and feeling concerned that there will be too much to do when the day actually comes.
This makes me feel so much better, though. Things work out, and that it's WORTH it in the end, even if there are bits that really suck now.
Your blog goes a long way to helping keep me sane, thank you :)
March 19, 2010 12:06 pm
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Thank you for this post, Meg. It made me realize that I've been trying so hard to be the cool, relaxed, "I don't care" bride that it's been stressing me out. It's true, I DON'T care about the flowers or matchy colors, etc., but I care very much that some of my best friends in the world aren't going to be able to make it to the wedding, and I do care that a lot of family baggage is getting dredged up because of wedding planning. And that's the stuff that is so difficult and exhausting to articulate when you are trying to defeat everyone's expectation of the bride who's obsessing over tiaras.
March 19, 2010 12:43 pm
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AMAZING. This is exactly how I feel. You are inspirational. This is the best wedding blog there is. Period.
March 19, 2010 12:55 pm
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Thank you so much for posting this. I think I hit my rock bottom a few weeks ago and it was a hard mother-[blank]er (http://werondwif.blogspot.com/2010/03/wer-wifs-flying-circus.html).
I'm feeling much better now and I appreciate your honesty in acknowledging (and saying, better than I ever could) how hard it can be. And that it's ok.
March 19, 2010 1:06 pm
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Thanks, Conmigo and Meg. I actually started creating a schedule of events for the weekend, but it wasn't as detailed as including the time for the cake to be delivered, etc. At least I know I shouldn't be too worried yet.
March 19, 2010 1:13 pm
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as many other commenters have said, thanks for hitting "publish" on this one and sharing the hard parts as well as the happy ones. you're right, it's so rarely acknowledged, and is really hard to talk about without being judged or involving people in personal family issues you'd rather they not know all the gory details of. My worst moments so far were the month right after we got engaged, when we were struggling with family & religion issues (up to and including "will my father even come to the wedding?") and there were many sleepless nights and many many tears. It was difficult to deal with such raw, emotional issues right in the beginning when everyone expected us to still be in the "happiness and light" blissful newly-engaged stage.
While I hope things don't get quite that bad again now that we've resolved *some* of the family issues, it is good to know that further bumps & stressors are normal parts of this process and that it really is all worth it once you get to the other side.
March 19, 2010 2:15 pm
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Once again, thank you Meg! About 3 and a half months to go and I am just feeling the first pains of moving from the "fantasy" to the "reality" camp. And the groundedness is starting to falter. There is just so much more to wedding planning than planning an event – and no one tells you this! You end up facing so many issues and asking yourself so many important questions. Relationships change. It surprised me, in a good and bad way. Without even really realizing it, I've also been operating under the idea that sane brides don't stress about their weddings, which is just making things worse. Thanks for sharing this.
March 19, 2010 2:30 pm
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I feel like at the end of every single post I say thank you, but… yeah. Thank you.
Right now I am grappling with the reality that one of my maids of honor (I have two – my two best friends) might not actually be able to make it to the wedding, and it's just really breaking my heart. And I am trying to not be upset, it's not the end of the world… but it's just something that's really bothering me and caused some tension because now I have to change some things around. And ok, whatever, I have to change some things… I don't actually care so much about that. It's more that I can't believe this person won't be there on my wedding day. And some well-meaning people have said, "Well… this is about you and your fiance, and who cares if she's not there?" But it's not *just* about us. It's about all of our loved ones, and I can't help it that I am so heartbroken by the fact that my best friend won't be there while we're getting ready, won't be standing with me when I make this huge commitment, won't be dancing and partying with us after. It's just weird, and I can't help the fact that I'm so unhappy about it. I *know* the most important thing is that at the end of the day we're married, no matter who is or isn't there. But I really need a little time to grieve over it, and I need people to stop making me feel bad for that.
March 19, 2010 3:06 pm
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This is probably the most honest, relevant blog post I've ever read. Thank you for that. I think the biggest point for me was But when all this hard stuff was happening, when I told people (or hinted to it on the blog) people would tell me, "Don't worry, you'll be married in the end!" And I'd want to scream, "I f*cking know that, but that does not make this moment any less painful." Yes. Absolutely. Yes.
And to whoever said the B word needs to replaced with I-have-10-plates-in-the-air-and-I'm-trying-not-to-drop-any (or something along those lines): YES.
March 19, 2010 3:12 pm
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