Ok. I’m going to do this. After a huge number of increasingly frantic emails, I’m (we’re) going to take on the topic of name changing. As long time readers know, this is a topic that has… not gone so well in the past. So, before we start, some ground rules: I’m really encouraging people to share their experiences and opinions on this, kindly. Please remember that just because I, or some other reader made different choices than you did, we’re not telling you that you should do it our way. We’re just saying, for better or for worse, that was our path. Also, no personal attacks. In one memorable comment last time we discussed this, someone accused me of hating my grandmother, since I didn’t change my name, and she (rather obviously) did. So, let’s steer clear of that, shall we? Thanks.
The specific question that I get asked over and over is this: how do you decide what choice to make when it comes to changing your name? An increasingly common corollary is this: my husband really really wants me to change my name, and it makes me cry when I think about changing it, and what should I do?
And for these questions, my response is simple and two fold: A) Talk about it with your partner. I mean really, really, really talk about it (especially if it’s painful). And B) Don’t. (I know! I just told you not to change your name! What the mother f*cking f*ck?) But this is what I really mean – you don’t need to change your name now if you are not ready.
Within wedding circles, name changing is talked about as a very binary game: you either change your name or you don’t, whether you change your name or not says something very specific about what kind of a woman you are, and you either change your name now or forever hold your peace.
This is all total nonsense.
To talk about this, I’m going to tell a small piece of my story. In one sense my story is a simple one, because I was never, not even for a milla-second, going to take David’s name. It just wasn’t on the table. But in another way, the story is very very complex.
First of all, I’m not sure David has strong feelings about my taking his name at all… but… I really wanted David to take my name. Really. And that was also not on the table, which was good for us in a way, because it was very even. He knew exactly why I wasn’t going to take his name, because he was in the same situation as I was.
Second complicated facet: David and I both want a family name, and we want to share a name with our kids, and what do we do about that? Well, the bottom line is, we decided to wait. We’d discussed a million different ideas over our five years together (at one point David wanted us both to take the others name as a middle/pre-last name, and I pointed out then we’d be Meg His Hers and David Hers His, and then everyone would be like, “oh, are the His-Hers-Hers-His’s coming tonight?” And “this is my friend Meg Hers His or is it Meg His Hers, and I can never remember, but anyway she’s lovely.” So we kind of ruled that one out early.*) But what has come closest to seeming do-able to us is hyphenation. Since I felt fairly strongly that the person in labor got to give the kid her name, and David felt pretty strongly that his kids were going to have his damn name… hyphenation has long seemed the default choice. So, we were considering hyphenating our names when we got married.
And then the wedding month came along. And we were really busy, and we were really stressed, and we had a million things to think about and we just couldn’t devote the emotional time to the subject that we felt it required, so we finally just looked at each other and shrugged. And then we told everyone that neither of us was changing our names… yet. Since for us the name changing hinged so much on kids, we decided we were just going to wait till we were having kids, and then see how we actually felt in the moment, instead of how we hypothetically felt in the future.
And then, there is that other painful complicated thing I have to mention. The anger. I have been near blindsided by how angry I still feel over this choice. When mail comes addressed to me as Mrs. Meg His, I ask David to take the label off before I get home, so I don’t have to see it. When someone addresses me as Mrs.** I literally get shaky with rage. And I didn’t expect that response! What is that response? I mean, my mother is a first wave feminist, for gods sake, and she uses Mrs.! Why am I so so angry about it?
And then this weekend I figured it out on a real tangible level. We were having a long conversation with a lesbian couple who are good friends of ours, and the name change discussion came up. After we’d cycled through talking about all the different choices (combining names, hyphenating names, picking a new name, picking one persons name… etc, etc) they started talking about how they didn’t really have any idea about what they were going to do about their kids names (or their names after they had kids, even) and they’d figure it out somehow. And then I fully, fully emotionally realized why I was getting shaky angry, I realized why readers were writing me, literally in tears and rage at the same time (readers who want to take there husbands name write me like this, the same way people who don’t want to take their husbands name write me like this). It’s because we’re used to a level playing field, and on this we don’t have one. It’s not anyone’s fault really, but thems the breaks.
When I tell people that I wanted David to take my name, they always, without fail, laugh like I’m making a hilarious joke. And I always just stare at them. Because I’m not joking. Not even a little bit. When David and I have conversations about how he wants his name to be last when we hyphenate, I feel like I don’t have a even playing field. Not even a little bit. When I get mail addressed to Meg His and he never gets mail addressed to David Hers, it drives home the fact that the playing field is not level.
And so. And so. None of this means that you should keep your name. Or hyphenate your name. Not at all. But what it does mean is this:
If you are trying to figure out what to do, talk to your partner. I mean really really talk to him (in this example I’m using a male pronoun…). Try to figure out what you’re feeling and try to articulate it in all its complexity. If he’s not quite understanding it, ask him to put himself in your shoes, and see how that feels. And then talk some more. And cry if you want to.
Don’t listen to outside voices. In most situations I say, listen to your family… and then decide. But on this one I think the voices that matter in this conversation are yours and your partners. It’s your new family, and this is an emotionally core decision you are making about that baby family, and more than that about your NAME. In my opinion (and I may be wrong, but it is my rather firm personal opinion) your mother-in-law does not get a vote on this one.
Consider waiting if you need to. If you really can’t figure out how you feel, wait. Seriously. Weddings are complicated times, you don’t need a deadline on this decision on top of everything else. There is no reason to talk about your family name at the wedding, either way, so you can take the time that you need to think.
It’s ok if your emotions are… whatever they are. Maybe you’re angry, maybe you’re excited, maybe you’re zen, maybe you’re something else. Maybe you’re zen and then angry by turns (me), or excited and then sad (maybe Alyssa). NORMAL. I suspect that name changing has always been emotional for women, but we’re one of the first generations that has so many legitimate options that becomes easy to talk about the confusion. So. Embrace that.
You have options. Lots and lots of options. They are varied, and they belong to you. You can pick amongst them. You can even change your mind amongst them. Remember that, on the bad days.
And breathe. Because you will figure it out one day… or you won’t… and that will be fine too.
And now, Team Practical’s words of wisdom. Go!
Update: read Part II here
*Though I think people who do this are ballsy and awesome
**When you don’t take your husband’s last name, you technically stay a Ms.
This is something I struggle with and for my entire life thought I would keep my own name. But now that I am engaged I’m not sure what I will do. On one hand, I am proud of my fiance and want people to know that we’ve made a commitment to each other; that I’m his wife and he’s my husband. On the other hand, I want to retain my identity and don’t like feeling like I’m property (origins of name change).
I think I’m going to do what women in Quebec (Napoleonic law) do and use both names as I please :)
Interestingly, I don’t mind any future children taking his last name,but did consider using a derivative of my last name (O’Neill turns into Neill for boys or Neelie for girls) but my fiance’s uncle’s named Neil and we don’t like him LOL.
April 28, 2010 4:46 am
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Wow. Your strong feelings and emotional connection to the name-change issue make me feel disconnected. I’ve never given it much thought, especially not before I met my fiance. And since we’re planning to get married, I put about a millisecond of consideration towards it, and decided hmph; I like my name. It is an awesome name. And hyphens are ugly. Why change it? Friends and family have made it clear that my name would be way cooler -news-anchor worthy!- if I changed it to his… but I like mine. He fell in love with me as my name is now. It’d be kind of weird loving someone and then loving that same person with a different name. I digress
You’ve opened the doors to this whole new realm of thought. Whether this is good or bad I guess we’ll find out, haha
April 28, 2010 4:46 am
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I didn’t have strong feelings till after the fact. I had no real feelings before hand, since, you know, nothing was changing. These things are fluid. Don’t put yourself through borrowed trouble!
April 28, 2010 6:42 am
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I am SO glad you wrote this post! Your story sounds bit for bit just like mine…neither of us were going to change our names. I wanted the his-hers, hers-his option but he didn’t. Neither one of us really wanted to hyphenate either. We still haven’t decided what to do when kids come along. And what is so WIERD about it is that before we got married I didn’t really care that much…I even considered taking his name so we’d have a family name, but since we’ve gotten married, every time I get mail addressed to Mrs. His First and Last Name I am totally enraged! The worst is when it comes from family…what do you do about that?
April 28, 2010 11:47 am
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WOAH. People still adress mail like that??!?
I’m excited to get rid of my surname (and would never lump it on my kids, I got teased SO much) and am looking forward to getting the mail that says Mrs Basketcase “His Last Name”. But I am most certainly NOT becoming Mrs “Mr Basketcase” “His Last Name”. Nope. To me, that would indicate I was a 1950′s housewife, which I certainly am not!
Ok. turns out I DO have feelings about this! I totally didnt expect that! Thanks for the post Meg. Very rational. :) I’m glad I dont have the angst. Although, we did jokingly tell people Mr Basketcase was taking MY surname – but thats only funny because his first name is the same as my Dads… :)
April 28, 2010 1:30 pm
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My favorite variation on this (since I did not take my husband’s name): We get mail from his parents addressed to “His-first His-last and Betsy:” They don’t give me his last name, but they don’t give me mine, either. I just don’t get one at all!
May 11, 2010 2:05 pm
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HA! That is so funny and yet so very sad all at once! Gosh… people need to get with the times!
June 4, 2010 12:58 pm
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Whoa, really Meg! You are the only other person I know who really wanted their husband to take their name. I have wanted that to happen since way before I met D$ (and he knew without asking that I wasn’t taking his name and had no interest in me taking it). He didn’t end up taking my name for a fairly good reason: as a scientist he had already published under his name. And that is okay with me. We have also put off the “what will we do about the kids” thing re: last names because the combination of our two names is really silly and might cause them to get beat up in grade school. But I don’t like the idea of them NOT having my name. Background: my mom took my dad’s name when they got married and my siblings and I have my dad’s last name. When my parents got divorced my mom KEPT my dad’s name because she didn’t want to have a different last name than her kids. She remarried someone else and STILL uses my dad’s last name so that she and us kids have the same last name. I never really thought this was weird until a few years ago when I realized how intense that is. But I will admit that I love having the same last name as both my biological parents (and now my step-mom, oddly enough). So we also aren’t quite sure what we will do. I don’t get the rage about being called Mrs D$’s last name (I understand getting it, I just don’t) but I am very very careful not to call anyone else anything but Ms.
Long comment over.
April 28, 2010 4:46 am
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I also thought about our kids. I don’t know if I want them to have a hyphenated last name. My parents are also split up, but my mom, dad, my siblings and I all share the same last name. I never thought about how that kept us connected as a family unit until you mentioned it.
April 28, 2010 5:16 am
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Hyphenating… sort of sucks. In my opinion. No exit strategy. But. We don’t have a ton of options…. given our variables.
April 28, 2010 6:43 am
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I’m going to cause some trouble here, I’m sure, but this is something we’ve been dealing with, as my husband already has a hyphenated name:
If you hyphenate, and your daughter wants to keep her name when she gets married… what does she do? Double-hyphenate?
April 28, 2010 7:31 am
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This is why here in Austria, you can’t give your kids hyphenated names. You and your partner can hyphenate but at the marriage-act, you have to put down the name your kids will be carrying. It’s because some Mary Miller-Smith and some James Johnson-Ford would have an even harder time on agreeing on a name… ;-)
I don’t know it’s a good solution – it’s thinking ahead, sure, but it causes trouble now. As you said, Meg, deciding on a name is hard enough, and putting that down for your future kids ahead of time is a pretty hard thing…
April 28, 2010 7:56 am
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I’m getting married in August and will not be changing my name. To be more accurate, neither my fiance or I will be changing our names. This has caused quite a stir in my community of friends and co-workers. Everyone has an opinion. So far, I have been called selfish, snidely called a “modern woman” and have been told that people will be confused about whether or not we are married. Last of all, my decision has been linked to potential divorce. I’ve never had so many people interject their personal beliefs into my life about my personal choices. It’s exhausting
May 5, 2010 6:40 am
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I know I am months late to this conversation, but I just wanted to put down here for the record that my parents hyphenated their names when they married in 1977 (becoming Ms. Hers-His and Mr. Hers-His) and both my brother and I were given the same last name of Hers-His. This was a huge source of pride for me growing up, and I loved that our little enclave of our extended family had our own gleefully unwieldy name, that me and my brother joked that we’d each only marry other hyphenated kids so that we’d have 3 hyphens in our married names… :)
And now I’m engaged and my partner jokingly (but with, I suspect, a hidden amount of real emotion) wants me to change my name to HisLast….. and that is completely off the table for me. It is a sad situation, because I met his daughter from a previous marriage when she was 1 year old, and she is Kiddo HisLast, meaning we will never share a name even though she will grow up with me as the mom figure at her dad’s house. The kiddo’s mom, meanwhile, decided to change her name from Mom HisLast back to MomOriginalLastName, meaning that THEY will never share a name. If my partner and I have kids, part of me wants them to have my last name, hyphen and all, because my partner and I will already by raising a kid together that has only his last name…. complicated, complicated. He wants all his kids to have his last name, and this is one of the last things that he seems resistant to look at with a feminist critical lens.
It was great, simple advice to share with him all the range of feelings I have about this in honesty (and maybe even cry :) )
November 1, 2010 11:08 am
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Regardless of whether or not it sucks, it’s the only good option for some of us. As to what about the kids? I figure that Latino cultures and European cultures have dealt with the issue for centuries. My kids can make their own decisions about what they want to do once the playing field is more level. Until then, my husband and needed to do what we could to level it by both of us hyphenating our names.
If it’s OK for couples to put off the decision until later (and I totally believe it is) then it is also OK for our hypothetical children to out off the decision until they’re actually faced with it.
April 28, 2010 8:12 am
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If your hyphenated last name child chooses to hyphenate their last name in the future, they can just choose half of their birth name to incorporate into their new last name. This is sorta how it’s done in latino culture. I’m latina let’s say my last name is Cruz Hernandez (Cruz coming from my father, Hernandez coming from my mother) and I’m marrying someone with the last name of Martinez (in Latin America, they would have the double last name, but let’s keep it at one for simplicity). If I wanted to change my name traditionally, I would drop the maternal portion (Hernandez) of my maiden name, keep the paternal (Cruz) portion and tack it on after my fiance’s name (Martinez). My new name would be Martinez Cruz. Any children of this marriage would have the mother’s name, Martinez Cruz. It’s not really intuitive in American culture, but it could help guide couples contemplating hyphenating names. Hope that makes sense, or is helpful!
April 30, 2010 8:18 am
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My mother kept her name. Her name is my middle name and my last name is my fathers’ name. I’ve had this conversation with my friends who have different last names as their mothers (never their fathers, of course) and none of us ever felt like we wished we had the same name as both of our parents. It just was never an issue for us.
However, when I have conversations with people who grew up with the same last name throughout their family, the seem really concerned that they or their children will suffer if everyone doesn’t have the last name. They always seem kind of surprised that I didn’t wish to have the same last name as my mother.
Family names are great, and if you want one… that’s fab, but nobody should change their name because their worried about the fate of the children if there isn’t a family name — us no-family-name kids are just fine. In fact, I was always proud of my mother for having a different name as my father — family name aren’t neutral, and children know it, too. I never missed having the same last name as my mom and I was super proud of her for choosing to keep her name. Our kids will learn about what is possible for them as future women and men from the choices that we make.
April 28, 2010 9:24 am
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I completely and totally agree (and thank you for putting it more eloquently than I could today). My mom has a different last name than me, and I have never wished it to be different. It was evident throughout my childhood (maybe because of how adults/teachers reacted?) that her maiden name made my mom powerful, independant, and to me, a bad ass. That’s a strong message to send a second grader about feminism, which is quite the opposite of the damage some people think might occur if a kid has a different last name.
What I didn’t expect was the reaction (mine) when I would tell people I wasn’t changing my name after marriage. Some said “oh of course not, because your mom didn’t change, you won’t either”. Enter, rage. To me, if that were true it would be just as bad as thoughtlessly changing it because your mom did. What’s bad is not your decision, but reaching it without thinking it through.
Another interesting note- we got horrifying, nasty comments from some when we’d tell them about having different last names. I suggested the “First His Hers” naming scheme (the Governor of Michigan does this!) and my then-fiance brought up the good point that changing at all would be admitting that sharing a name makes our marriage more valid, which is the whole idea I was so appalled by. He’s a keeper.
April 28, 2010 12:34 pm
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Sarah, I think yours is great perspective to add to the conversation. It’s good to know that having a different name from your parent wasn’t a hardship.
I suppose that I never thought to be worried about how my kid felt about having a hyphenated last name for the same reason: kids think whatever their family does is normal even if normal becomes weird once they are adolescents.
I really wanted a “family name” because I really wanted a family name. You’re probably right that I want it because I grew with a family name (and BIBS is totally right that this continuity should never be assumed) but the healthy mindset that Meg is pushing at APW encourages folks to think about what kind of marriage and family they want and my husband and I wanted one where everyone had the same name.
So, I guess I’m saying that being worried about the kids isn’t the only thing that goes into making the choice for any members in the couple to change their names.
April 28, 2010 1:41 pm
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Coming two years late to the conversation, I wanted to throw out another perspective on the same issue. My fiancé’s mother kept her name, and I had always assumed, like you say here, that it would seem totally normal for the kids. But when we started talking about our decisions on the name changing, he surprised me with his feelings about his mother’s decision. He said he always felt like by not taking his father’s name, she was holding back from integrating into his family completely. Just another perspective to add to the discussion.
March 8, 2012 1:37 am
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My mom kept her last name. Dad kept his. I became Bunny MomsDads. One word, capital M, capital, no space, no hyphen. So I technically have the same last name as each of them but a unique, totally my own name. It’s a bit odd, but it’s made me who I am.
April 28, 2010 6:47 pm
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my parents are also divorced (when i was really little) and my mom has kept my dads (and my) last name this whole time because she wanted me and her to have the same last name. i feel really happy that she did… but now i feel like it is causing me even more issues w/ my own name changing now because of the fact that i feel bad getting rid of my last name and having her be stuck w/ a different name than me that isn’t even her own or someone’s that she’s married to or cares about in anyway! (as if the issue wasn’t complex enough on it’s own to begin with.. right?!)
April 29, 2010 4:32 am
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my fiance and i have the same problem = we can’t both change to a hyphenated name because he’s a published scientist. so i’ll be having the super long last name instead.
as for our kids? we will just give them the fiance’s last name for the sake of simplicity. we will, however, give them our last names as “second” middle names (my fiance has two last names because he had a dual citizenship, and had to give one up after he hit 21. so his lost last name will become a middle name).
April 29, 2010 2:48 pm
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Thank you for this, Meg. I think waiting, not giving myself a deadline to make a choice, is the best advice I’ve gotten yet!
I’m lucky in that I live right on the border of the province of Quebec, in Canada, where women are not allowed to change their names after marriage*. But I have the option to change since I live in Ontario. So people in my surroundings (living on both sides of the border) have done both. All of the options are acceptable, really. So for now, I’m happy with just keeping my name. And if I decide I want to change it later on (kids?!), then I can. (Sigh of relief.)
(It makes me quite mad that freedom of choice is taken away in Quebec, though.)
April 28, 2010 4:48 am
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I live in Québec (though I am from the US) and I was surprised to find myself without the choice to take my husband’s name when we got married last fall. But then…I loved it. And in Québec, you can change your name, but it is just like anyone else who decides they want to change their name for any reason. So it would be possible to change one’s last name to their husband’s last name if they went through that regular name-change process. Not easy, but possible.
But yeah, but not taking the husband’s last name was something I almost never saw while growing up in the south of the US. I had grown up assuming I would take a future husband’s last name, and when that choice was eliminated, I actually felt relieved to be able to keep my name without having to deal with anyone questioning the choice (because I could say, “Well, it’s the law here”). I was wondering how I would feel after the wedding about still having my same last name. Would it diminish the major life change of marriage if I still had my name? But for me, it felt free and confident. And not “less married” like I had worried about. Who knew? (And shockingly enough, my southern, conservative parents are now rooting that one or all of our potential future kids get my last name! But that’s a whole ‘nother thing to figure out later.)
This whole process would have been different and more complicated if we been married in the US. Though I guess I would have still kept my last name to avoid confusion and problems with moving to Québec later, since Québec only recognizes women by their maiden names, even if they got married outside of Québec and took the husband’s name.
April 28, 2010 7:57 am
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:)
I have this feeling that they made it against the law to change your name in Quebec because if they hadn’t done that, they thought women would be “forced” to change it anyway by their controlling husbands. So to me, the fact that the choice is taken away DOESN’T reflect empowered, free women. But maybe that’s just a crazy idea I have…
(And if you want to legally change it, you have to find an excuse, like “it’s too hard to pronounce/spell/etc.” otherwise it won’t be approved! Saying “it’s my husband’s name” apparently isn’t an acceptable reason. Pretty complicated process. Although I guess changing your name IS serious business. Which is why I’m pretty sure I won’t do it, at least not legally.)
April 28, 2010 9:01 am
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I love this post. Like Meg I was never going to change my name. Ever. My fiance (also a David) learned all about the reasoning there within months of meeting me. I also grew up with a mother who didn’t change her name, because she was who she was and that wasn’t changing. My siblings and I had our father’s name with our mother’s as one of the middle (so I’m Hannah May Mum’s Dad’s) and I’ve asked my mother and she said she never minded having a different name. In high school I changed my name so I would always use my mother’s name as well (so now I’m Hannah Mum’s-Dad’s) because it was important to me that my name reflect that I was both their child. I’m not sure what I’m going to do to when I have my own kids. I’m loathed just to be relegated to a middle name and it’s very important to David that they have his last name as well. I feel like since getting engaged the number of miserable un-even playing fields have increased. Babies for instance, buying nieces birthday presents. For me though I am not just called by my name, I AM my name and that should not be messed with.
April 28, 2010 4:50 am
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thanks so much for doing this post! i’m interested to hear what debate ensues [insert heads exploding here]! unfortunately, i don’t have time to adequately respond right now as i need to run out the door to work, but i feel like i’m still not any closer to making a decision than i was when i emailed you last week. i do think, though, that i definitely need to talk to my fiance about it…. even if it means ensuing drama. i feel that he should know all the different, conflicting emotions that i’m going through right now, and it’s not just as easy as “making a decision.” i think the thing that really makes it even harder for me is that i’m about to embark upon my professional career in a new field, one that means a lot to me. so whatever i choose as my name now, i’m pretty much stuck with. so do i want to be Sarah E. MyLastName for the rest of my life if that means not showing that we’re a family yet retaining my independence, or should i be Sarah E. MyLastName-HisLastName, or Sarah MyLastName HisLastName? It’s all very confusing.
p.s. now that the wedding is only 1.5 months away, and we’ve started receiving checks for Mr. and Mrs. Him & Her HisLastName, that makes me angry b/c people just *assume* that i’m changing my last name… but yes, even worse- Mr. and Mrs. HisLastName just completely sends me over a cliff with rage!!!! It’s like, “first I had to change my last name, and now I don’t even get a frickin’ first name???” what does society say about women in marriage then, it’s an old-timey thing, but it’s basically the end of that woman’s own personal identity. there identity becomes taken over by the unit of the marriage and their duty to it. it’s enough to drive any sane, somewhat self-respecting feministic person into a rage!!!! (and p.s. I do know some people who would react to the same thing with pure glee… that doesn’t make it wrong, but i just can’t find that same reaction within me.)
ugh.
April 28, 2010 4:51 am
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Sarah-your rage about Mr & Mrs his first name/last name REALLY makes me angry; and I am considering taking my fiance’s last name. But you know what? I am my OWN person. Mr & Mrs his last name would be fine with me, but Mr & Mrs his name/last name makes me want to explode in rage.
April 28, 2010 5:26 am
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A friend’s mother, who is in her 60s, says no one of that name lives here whenever someone phones for Mrs Him His. She’s been doing this for almost 40 years.
April 28, 2010 5:44 am
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HA! I love that.
April 28, 2010 6:45 am
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When I first met my future mother-in-law, I addressed her as Mrs. HisLastName and she scoffed and said, “Mrs. HisLastName has been dead a long time. I’m HerFirstName.”
I will never ever forget that. She never had the best relationship with her husband’s family, particularly her new mother-in-law, so sharing the exact same name with her was rough for her to handle.
Something to think about, ya know? You’re not just sharing your husband’s name when you marry him, in some cases you could be taking on the exact same name as his mother! Yikes.
April 28, 2010 7:37 am
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That was my mother, too! Even when she taught at a college level, she wouldn’t respond to Mrs. HisLastName, because that was her mother-in-law. She only responds to her first name, or first name and last, but the Mrs. part still gets her, and my grandmother passed away almost 20 years ago.
April 28, 2010 8:19 am
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Totally! I did this growing up, when people on the phone asked for Mrs. Dad’sName Dad’sLastname – that person was my grandmother (my dad and his dad had the same name), so I would sweetly suggest that the phoner call her in another state. No one ever took me up on the suggestion.
[The question then arises why I didn't question that my grandmother was Mrs. Husband'sName Husband'sLast - I think it was because she was a widow for more than 30 years, and holding onto that name was a way of keeping true to the memory of her late husband. Plus, she was born in 1907, and things were different then.]
April 28, 2010 4:30 pm
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Excellent way to deal with it.
Though I think written correspondence would bother me more, since there’s no clever come-back.
April 29, 2010 1:59 am
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You know how sometimes the DJ at a wedding will announce, :”Now, for the first time in public, MR & MRS HIS-FIRST-NAME HIS-LAST-NAME!”
I told my partner, years ago, that if that ever happens at our wedding I will go out there, fuming, and make everyone start over. Oh, my, I am angry just thinking about it. The first name bit really sends me over the edge.
April 28, 2010 8:56 am
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On our DJ request form, we wrote exactly how we wanted to be introduced. I’m gladly taking my fiance’s last name (I’ve got brothers and nephews to carry on my parents’ name), but I still think it’s outdated and rude to call a woman Mrs. HisFirstName HisLastName.
April 28, 2010 1:24 pm
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In the best man’s speech at my parents’ wedding, he made a toast to Momfirst Momslast and Dadsfirst Dadslast. My dad’s mom stood up and interrupted him saying, “No that’s Momsfirst Dadslast.” So my mom stood up and corrected her, saying “Excuse me, but I’m Momsfirst Momlast.” Apparently my grandma spent half the night in the bathroom crying because of it.
April 28, 2010 8:38 pm
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oh yeah… i was thinking about that, or the officiant/religious official pronouncing you. i am meeting with my DJ in a few weeks, and i’m actually going to tell him outright NOT to call us that because “i might actually vomit all over the dance floor.”
:P
April 29, 2010 4:37 am
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Our preacher/officiant simply asked us, and gave some different examples. We settled on the casual E+C HisLast. No titles of any sort-how our close friends in attendance would actually refer to us. It was absolutely not an issue-if they regularly do weddings they’re used to it!
April 29, 2010 7:16 am
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When my hubs and I were married last summer, we were able to choose how we wanted our officiant to address us. We went with “For the first time as a married couple, Andrew & Cara”. But, when his brother introduced as at the reception, we became Mr. & Mrs. Andrew Hislastname. Granted, the entrance introduction was off the cuff, but it still irked me that it was assumed I’d magically become another person.
April 29, 2010 1:16 pm
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Dear young brides to be…
I know it will sound archaic but if you know who you are, taking your beloved’s name does NOT make you less. In fact, it makes you generous and the person who will truly unify your new family especially when the babies show up. Take it from a mother of four, you don’t want the two different name thing down the years from now. You’ll feel like an outsider. However, if you really need to hold on to your name, I’m sure you won’t be alone. Consider this…
“What’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.” – Shakespeare
April 29, 2010 6:05 am
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I’m also a mother, currently of three and in July we will have four. In my previous marriage I changed my name and always hated it. I did NOT make me an insider nor was it any easier with schools. No one worried about my generosity of taking my ex-husband’s name…it was a non issue. After my divorce, I asked my kids how they felt about me taking back my maiden name…they said, “why did you change it in the first place?”
When I married this time, I kept my last name. I do not feel like an outsider, it is once again a non-issue. My kids do not have my last name, and I’m the primary contact at their school, and there has never been a problem…nothing. So many kids, due to divorce/remarriage/gay couples/and so on in public schools do not have the same last name as their children and the schools handle it just fine day after day.
Whether you take his name or not, do it because you want to…not because you worry about negative reactions, kids, being considered generous or not, etc. You just need to be true to you and your partner loves you for you. All of you :)
April 29, 2010 1:09 pm
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We all make sacrifices for our families, and you should never, ever, ever assume that those of us who are unwilling to make the personal-as-political sacrifice of our names, are not making different and more meaningful sacrifices that you don’t know about.
I know who I am, and I don’t need my children and I to have my husbands name to tell me that I’m part of a family.
April 30, 2010 6:30 pm
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I definitely share that Mrs. his first name/last name rage. Beyond rage. I am actually taking my fiance’s last name, mostly because it’s a really cool, unusual name, but also because of some very personal reasons regarding how I feel about my own name. But I’m still entitled to a first name. I’m still my own person. And even though I am taking his name… I’d prefer to go by Ms.
I’m going to have a hard time not flipping out if anyone refers to us as Mr. and Mrs. his first name/last name. Just thinking about it makes me shake.
April 28, 2010 6:22 am
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I am Ms Hislastname. I like it because it surprises people, and when they ask about it I get an opportunity to point out to them how archaic the Mr/Mrs/Miss system is, and that I use Ms purely because my marital status is no more anyone else’s business than that of my husband. It amazes me how many people have never thought about it before – i.e. a lot!
April 28, 2010 11:30 am
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I am the same. The first form I completed after marriage, I put Mrs. Then realised how uncomfortable that was for me, and always use Ms now. I have been surprised by how many times it hasn’t work, and cards/mail/etc have come back with Mrs. But I don’t really have the time/energy to get angry about it, so as long as I’ve tried, I try to just let it pass…
April 28, 2010 1:49 pm
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I’ve been doing the same, Cate, since I found out Ms. existed/what it meant. It’s nice to make people think (in a positive way). I’ll continue to be Ms. Whatever once married, regardless of what I decide to do about the name.
Jenn, sometimes forms don’t have the option… though they obviously should! (I’ll comment below on my experience with that when I get done reading all the other comments.)
April 29, 2010 2:05 am
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Cate – that’s really great. It is a great opportunity to share with people the differences in each and why you prefer what you do, when someone calls you the wrong thing. That’s a much better attitude to have than my anger. ha. I will actually try and do that, because it’s more productive than just being annoyed.
April 29, 2010 6:02 am
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I’m a man, and _I_ get angry thinking about my fiancée being referred to as Mrs. Justin Mylastname. If she was me, I wouldn’t be marrying her. There are things about myself I don’t like; beyond that, I have a lot of negative associations with my father’s family (from whence came my last name). I don’t want to tie her up in those associations. I sure as hell don’t want her to change who she is to be more like me. I love, and am in love with, _her_. So why would I want her to change her name to be more like mine?
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This actually came up recently as her parents sent out invitations. Her mother addressed them whenever possible to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. She (my future mother-in-law, whom I love) was frustrated when we explained that many of our friends (and older friends of my family) don’t share a last name; she thought it was “easier in the old days.”
We, on the other hand, feel that by allowing the invitations to be addressed that way (even though it’s just for couples who share a last name), we may be offending women like many of you posting here. We let it go, I think for two reasons: 1) my future mother-in-law was very generous with her time and did a whole lot of work addressing our invitations for us, so we didn’t want to appear ungrateful or put any more stress on someone who is fairly conservative and very sensitive; 2) though we haven’t said it out loud, I think we both felt we could pass the buck if anyone does become offended. If someone mentions it, we can say, “Well, her parents sent out the invitations, and they’re from a more conservative family/generation.” We know everyone will understand and let it slide.
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My fiancée and I have talked about this issue of what names to take. The first few times it caused a lot of really emotional/angry/sad/frustrated discussion. She didn’t want to give up her last name (which made sense to me), but was suggesting we both change to a hyphenate. Only then did I realize how much of my identity was tied up in my last name, and how loathe I was to change it.
I was actually more comfortable with the idea of each of us taking each other’s last name (and losing our own), or taking two different hyphenates (mine would be Herlast-Mylast, hers would be Mylast-Herlast). It still had the sense of entwining ourselves to new families, and perhaps some of the generosity that the mother-of-four in an earlier post spoke of… but it was much more fair. There would be reciprocity. There would be balance. There would be equality… My fiancée hated the idea.
She explained that she wanted to share a name with her family and future kids, that she felt a sense of family unity growing up and wanted her kids to have that. I was blown away, because that never occurred to me. I see “I’m a Mylastname” as an explanation for why I’m strange (and for why I’m sometimes just plain f***ed-up); I don’t see it as something that built a family unity. The most functional things my parents did as a family were read to us (each parent separately, when they had time) and eventually get divorced. But my fiancée’s family is the most functional, loving, unified family I’ve ever met. So who am I to gainsay her desire for a cohesive family name?
Over the last several months, I was more strongly considering her proposals (even if we both took the same hyphenate in the same order, because one order sounded like a law firm and the other didn’t). Then, while doing taxes, I started to worry about the legal implications, and I asked my dad what he thought.
My dad’s recommendation was not to change my name. “Keep the name that’s on your degree.” He explained (as an M.D.) that most female doctors keep their maiden names because once you get your degree, changing your name can be a total pain in the ass. It’s not just being known by one professional name. Professionals get tied up in a lot of official, bureaucratic, government and corporate agencies, for legal reasons. Changing your name (or trying to change it) can cause unforeseen problems. He mentioned a nurse practitioner he works with (an ex-nun, married twice) who change her name twice, and has been told by government agencies that her name doesn’t exist in the records.
My fiancée’s getting her PhD shortly before the wedding. The name she takes scholarly will be her professional name; it’s not as twisted up in legal agencies as an M.D. would be, but it’s how every university will know her. I think a legal name change could cause her unforeseen frustrations. On my end, I would have to inform a number of companies related to various financial accounts, not to mention typical banks, employers, insurance companies, social security administration, etc. Do I really trust every bureaucracy involved to process the change correctly (let alone spell the new name correctly)?
So I’ve shared with her that I think we should both keep separate names, legally, though we should still consider using the hyphenate socially, if that’s what we want to pass on to our children. We’re still both thinking about it; we haven’t decided, and we need to discuss it more.
But this post, and the comments, have given us more to think and talk about. It’s been especially nice to hear thoughts from those who (unlike us) grew up with different names from one or both parents; your perspectives were fresh and comforting. Thank you, Meg, for the post (your posts have helped my fiancée stay calm and un-panicked several times over the last year), and thank you all for your shared comments.
April 29, 2010 6:05 pm
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Justin–you sound like an awesomely thoughtful and considerate groom-to-be. “If she was me, I wouldn’t be marrying her,” is a great comeback to the “Mrs. John Smith” thing. I already wrote in another comment that most guys probably take not changing their name for granted, so it’s great to read about one who is discussing name/identity issues so extensively with his fiancee. Good luck to you two and I hope you come up with a solution that works for your new family.
April 30, 2010 10:50 am
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There need to be like buttons for comments. Yay! Good luck with the situation–it seems that this is an issue that is coming up more and more, where there are two professionals in the equation and the professional names can’t be changed. Then the practice of career vs. social name comes up, but all too often only the female’s name changes.
May 1, 2010 10:00 am
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Argh. The ones that really bother me are when we get mail to Mr and Mrs HisFirst His Last. Seriously?!? C’mon! I usually throw that stuff away… unless it’s from his grandparents, because, you know, you’re not going to change everything. :)
April 28, 2010 9:32 am
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I’m incredibly lucky that my FH is happy to take my name :) Which in turn makes me very very happy! I don’t want to take his, partly because I shouldn’t have to, and partly because it’s his dad’s name and his dad left when he was a few months old and hasn’t been heard from since. And partly because I like my name and the family it links me to. There have been lots of raised eyebrows, but no one’s been really rude. However, when a friend of his got married 18 months ago (before I was engaged) my FMIL said something about being glad his wife was changing her name, doing it properly!
April 28, 2010 4:58 am
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Dude, good for you guys, it’s nice that both of you are happy to have made a decision without compromising. And, seriously, my reaction to that comment about “doing it properly” would have been a (Miss Manners-inspired) blank look and asking “What do you mean by that?”. Because I firmly believe that politely challenging people’s fixed ideas about “how things are done” is how we’ll get the societal changes started.
April 29, 2010 2:10 am
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I think that’s really cool of your future husband (and of you). But part of the reason he’s willing to do it seems to be that his associations with his father’s name are almost entirely negative.
I think it’s harder to ask most guys to do that, because many guys have have strong (often proud) associations with their last name. For that matter, I think it’s hard to ask women to change their name, for the same reason; but many women are eased into it (unfairly, in my opinion) by generations of tradition and expectation. I think it’s a good thing that so many women consider this a hard decision: it’s a reflection of norms shifting towards more equitable marriages.
In my case, a lot of association with my last name is negative… but I’m still fiercely proud of my individuality, my uniqueness, even my strangeness. And my last name–even the family I didn’t particularly like–is part of that. It’s hard to let go.
When both spouses have strong positive associations with their families or their identities, it gets harder. There’s no way to have a union where the last name accurately reflects every joining of two families in their recorded family tree. So do we pick the families that are somehow more important? If we let that name (the “most important” family) change every generation or two, do we lose the connection to previous generations?
I’m starting to think they had it better before surnames came along. Mac-, Mc-, O’-, -son, -sen, -ez, -ov, bar, ben, and ibn all meant “of” or “son of.” Some languages even had female-specific versions (-sdottir, -ova). Even then, when people took only the first name of a parent as their last name, it was predominantly the name of the father. But at least they didn’t worry about maintaining or “letting die” the name of their great-grandfather. (The traditions that did track lineage would track the line of father’s, but only for formal reasons: Bob, son of Jim, son of Jim, son of Pablo, etc.).
I wish there were a simple way to express that each of us is the daughter or son of two parents, both equally important. I also wish it sounded cool, and not too long. If anyone comes up with a good idea, please let me know.
April 29, 2010 6:35 pm
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It’s awesome that your FH (probably Husband now) wanted to take your last name. Before marriage was even on the table, my Husband and I talked casually about name changing, and we both agreed we wouldn’t mind taking the other’s last name. I didn’t even think it was weird that he would take mine. We decided ultimately to keep our own because he’s had to change his name before and it’s a pain in the butt! He wouldn’t even allow me to go through that if I wanted to. (Okay, if I REALLY wanted to, but I didn’t care.)
We plan to adopt in the future, and he wants our child to have my last name – simply because mine starts with B and his with Z, and he hated being last for everything when he was growing up. As you can see, he’s pretty practical, and I feel so lucky to have a husband like that!
August 3, 2011 10:56 am
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I feel your pain Meg, when I talked about this on my blog, someone accused me of being against marriage all together. It’s such an emotional subject that personal attacks seem to be a given.
The level playing field thing is huge for me, and I also think that’s why I get so upset when the subject comes up. I always thought I would take his name, until the time actually came to make the choice. Initially, he wanted me to take his name and was upset by the thought that I was having conflicting feelings about it. Then I asked him what he would feel like if I wanted him to give up his name to take mine. Finally, he understood how I felt. For me, it’s like giving up a small piece of yourself. Sometimes it feels small and insignificant and sometimes it feels ginormous and really important. The advice you gave is perfect and I wish I’d had it 6 months ago. Ultimately, I came to the conclusion that I would wait. I want to share a name with our children, so when the time comes for that, the subject will arise again, but for now, I’m staying me.
April 28, 2010 5:00 am
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Thank you Meg for (once again) an amazing post. I’ve discussed this with my BF, he has slowly warmed to the idea of me keeping my name if we were to get married. I understand what you mean by rage when I’m trying to explain to him the feeling that I’m losing my identity (of almost 30 years) and he doesn’t even need to consider what that would feel like – it’s hard and I’m not sure he’ll ever quite get it.
That being said. I’m happy to keep my name and for him to have his. For me the complication arises at children. I want them to have one name and I don’t think it’s fair that the one to give birth is automatically dismissed in the naming game. I’m also fine with hyphenated names in general. However, I don’t want my kid with a hyphenated name to marry another kid with a hyphenated name and have four names on the table simply because I couldn’t make a decision. I do know that hyphenated names exist in other cultures and they know how to deal with them from one generation to another. However, this hyphenating thing is pretty new to atleast my WASP culture and I don’t think anyone knows what to do beyond using their own name in a hyphenated name for their child. There is no rule for the next generation.
And, this is where I stand….somewhere in the middle because I can see it from both sides.
April 28, 2010 5:04 am
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And, to contribute further I cam across this in the news – http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/work/married-women-should-say-i-dont-to-changing-their-name-study-suggests/article1547482/
April 28, 2010 5:37 am
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Wow, I didn’t think I had such strong feelings about this subject until I read this article. It made me really really ANGRY. As a feminist, (and the daughter of a feminist) I have always been open to women making choices either way as they feel it is correct for them. FH and I have discussed the name change thing several times and (as his mother is also a feminist), he says that it is up to me and that he will be happy to be married to me either way. I …. haven’t quite decided yet, although I am leaning towards taking his name for various reasons. However, I couldn’t believe that people actually think less of a woman (i.e. that she is less intelligent etc.) because she takes her partner’s last name! I am so upset about this that I actually swore at the computer. And if you introduced yourself as Ms. HisLast, how would anyone know? I hate that there is yet another double standard for women that in society you are “supposed” to change your name and at work you aren’t. Stupid stupid un-level playing field!
April 28, 2010 2:17 pm
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ahhh… my head’s exploding from this article. i feel like this whole added piece just really stings me. i’m in the middle of getting my masters, and i’m about to have a scholarly article published within the next few months, and then hopefully going on to get my PhD after this… so whatever name i choose now, i’m stuck with for all time. it really makes an already difficult subject even more weighty!!!
April 29, 2010 8:13 pm
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You are not precluded from changing your name just because you publish/appear in court/write for a magazine/went to high school as Jane Doe and now you’re Jane Roe. Your old name doesn’t disappear. It just changes. And more importantly, YOU don’t disappear! You can still put your credentials and publications on your resume or CV. If you want to change your name, you should. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to, but my experience has been that it is very easy for people to get used to it. In fact it will be much easier for them than you, most likely!
April 30, 2010 11:46 am
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As a scientist, I must disagree with this. It does make a difference if you appear under a different name, it can even make a pretty big difference depending on how much you have published under another name. The only time indeed that it will not matter much is on your CV. But very often when a university or so is deciding who to invite for a job interview, before they even take the trouble to read someones application and CV, they will check how often your name comes up in publications and on google. The job I have now had more than a hundred applicants, so google search was what made them invite me.
This for me is one reason to keep my name. The second reason is because my last name is part of my identity, it’s part of my family history. My family has a rich history and I want to keep that connection. I don’t mind giving my children my husbands name. My children will not have published anything (haha) and it’s not yet part of their identity. I have quite a number of friends with mother’s with a different name, none of them was ever bothered by it, most of them thought it was cool that their mother kept her name.
I find the cultural different quite interesting. In the netherlands, I have never seen or heard of any woman referred to as husbands first and last name. In fact, my mother completely took my fathers name, but almost all letters adressed to her, from friends and from insurance or whatever, call her by her maiden last name. In the netherlands, almost all official forms will ask you for your maiden last name if this is different than your married name, and I believe they usually use the maiden name, or ask your preference.
June 12, 2010 2:41 pm
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As our friends in the post commented, you tell your kids you have a loving partnership, and for you hyphenation worked best. And that you understand that you’ve burdened them with a long name, and one day when they have a loving partnership, they are free to make their own decisions, and we as parents will respect whatever choice they make.
That helped me a little…
April 28, 2010 7:00 am
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And maybe they will hate it as I did when I was little (mine’s not hyphenated, but it’s both their names, one word, no space) because it’s so cumbersome, but then they’ll come to love it when they are older, again like I did. I like to think my name makes me a little more eccentric and I like that.
April 28, 2010 8:56 pm
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I’m the opposite – I loved the long name when I was little, but now it’s cumbersome, complicated, and makes people just laugh and say “what now?”
April 29, 2010 4:40 am
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But it’s not “simply because I couldn’t make a decision”. You’d be making the decision to hyphenate, and that’s perfectly valid.
In Spain (where my partner is from), all children are First Dad’s Mom’s (no hyphens, no middle names). And it continues like that for generations. So, yes, it is the mother’s last name that gets “lost” when the next generation comes along, but the female partners never have to even consider giving up theirs.
(Though now that same sex marriage is legal there, I don’t know how the His + Hers challenge would be handled… maybe they just get to decide which sounds better!)
April 29, 2010 2:18 am
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All I meant by the “can’t make a decision” comment was that I know I am very attached to my name and I know my BF is very attached to his. I can only imagine how hard it would be for a couple with 4 last names involved to make a decision when I’m completely challenged by 2 names. I think everyone can do what is best for them and we are incredibly lucky that we have so many options available to us now.
On a side note, I also wonder if the government will ever step in and limit the number of characters people could have in their name, simply for a practical reason for forms. I know right now my name is 7+8+8 and if my parents had chosen to hyphenate I’d have to add another 8 on there. My name already is tight on government forms, I can’t imagine adding to it.
April 29, 2010 5:15 am
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For my fiance and I, the decision also relates largely to kids. And so we’re waiting as well. At this moment, I think we’re planning to just give the kids both last names (hyphenated or not), but we could easily change our minds on that. I am uncomfortable with his name automatically being last in hyphenation (because, hey, if THEY decide to hyphenate, guess which name would most likely get dropped? it’s stupid and prideful, but it bothers me), but at the moment it’s the best way we can think to handle it. He’s not amenable to a blended last name, or a totally new last name, and I don’t want to take his right now. If I (or we) decide to change my name in the future, I can go through the normal legal channels to do so. But for now, I am Ms. __, and staying so.
April 28, 2010 5:06 am
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Meg – this post is the reason I continue to read your blog every day, 6 months married.
I never wanted to change my name. I met my husband and he said it was the only traditional thing he wanted. After many months we came up with a compromise. I changed my name everywhere but work, and I get to name all the kids.
I thought I’d leave it at that, but then, we would not be able to discuss how much it causes me pain to get things addressed to “Mr & Mrs Him His”. That is a whole ‘nother ball of wax. I have screamed! Cried! Caused a Facebook discussion to rival any other!
Where to young people (anyone under the age of my grandmother) get off thinking it’s ok to address things that way? Where am I in that sentence? I am not a Mrs., my name is not “him”. When I point this out to people, I wonder if it has ever dawned on the vast majority to think about the implications of not mentioning the wife’s first name.
April 28, 2010 5:07 am
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So here is my two cents on how I made my decision.
Now, I’m still in the planning stages of getting married, but I decided pretty early on that I wanted to change my name. My reasons are A)I like the thought of being a part of my fiance’s family through my last name, B) my middle name is a family name from my mothers side that I intend on passing down to our kids, and C) my first name ties me to my dads side of the family due to it’s jewish roots. So I still show my mother and fathers family history through those my first and middle names and changing my last name will add my tie to my fiances family.
April 28, 2010 5:08 am
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I’m on the same page as you, Adina. I’m lucky in that my first name is very unique and a family name, so changing my last name didn’t feel as earth-shattering to me as it might if I was a Sally or an Ann. Don’t get me wrong, I can see why women aren’t down with changing, but for me changing made sense and felt right. It doesn’t make me any less of a feminist or less of myself. Getting married is a big effing deal and I felt like changing my name was an outward way to show that without losing my sense of self. I’m more of an Alexson than a MyOldName or a MyNewName. It doesn’t work for everone, but it’s how I roll!
April 28, 2010 6:33 am
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I wholeheartedly agree that changing your name does NOT make you any less of a feminist. Feminism is all about women having the authority to make choices!
April 28, 2010 9:02 am
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This is where I am too – I feel like I identify more with my first and middle names than with my last name. Or so I thought… but now the wedding is only 2 months away and the thought of actually changing my name is suddenly causing me anxiety. I think I will still change it, but I might take Meg’s advice and just wait a bit. Let myself get used to the idea of being married first before I take that leap.
April 28, 2010 9:28 am
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This is my situation too, Nina. I grew up in a family where everyone had the same last name, and while I know it’s not a problem not to, I want to be “The So-and-Sos.” My FH also has a unique last name, and I would be the only person with my first and last name, which I think is neat.
I didn’t think this really had much to do with my family, though I have had some rocky times with my parents and still have some big major problems with them. I just felt absolutely no angst about giving up that name, but also didn’t feel like I was rejecting it. Then FH asked if I would replace my middle name with my surname. No. Way. My middle name was my grandmother’s name and is SO much more important to me. And my first name and middle name belonged to my aunt who died before I was born. The name was given to me very honorifically and I’ve heard the story many times of my mom asking my grandmother for permission. Then I realized that if my last name were from that side of the family, I would be thinking much harder about this question. It isn’t, so I’m not, but it’s an interesting realization.
April 28, 2010 9:57 am
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Similar situation here – Kathryn comes from my mom’s mom, Mae comes from my dad’s mom, but my last name is so common that I hardly associate it with my identity. HisLast is easy to spell and pronounce, but not as common (I’d come up in a Google search and I have already reserved email and social media accounts with no numbers in them!). HisLast is also a great German name, and since we met in German class, both have German heritage, and hope to spend significant time in Germany in the future, I’d like to have a name that sounds German. I do feel a little weird sometimes, like I’m not feminist enough, but I’d rather have a more unusual and memorable name. As Kathryn Mae HisLast, I’ll be tied to my mom’s family, my dad’s family, and FH, plus I’ll stand out more and Germans will be able to pronounce my name.
However, since I am a couple years into my career (in the political world, so name recognition is esp. important), I think for a while I will go by Katie MyLast HisLast for work stuff, and of course keep checking MyLast@employer.info as well as HisLast@employer.info. I want my contacts to get used to the idea.
I’m glad so many of you have decided to be a Ms., either way – I don’t want to be Mrs. HisLast but wasn’t sure if that was really strange. I’ll be Ms. Katie HisLast proudly now. And if I get called Mrs. HisFirst HisLast by anyone under 70, I’ll be mad too!
June 18, 2010 9:52 am
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My whole life my mom and step-dad had a different last name then me and my sister. Then my two half siblings were born and they had the same last name as my mom and step-dad. I was one thing they were another. I had my dad’s name, they had step-dad’s name. And I hated it. I hated that parents would send notes home to Mom Dad’s name when it should have been Mom Step-dad’s name. I didn’t feel like a family unit. They were different. I didn’t feel like we belonged together like all the other kids and it bummed me out (this was like 7 year old me). So, I changed my name when we got married. I wanted to feel like a family unit. I wanted us to be the same. And I want that for our kids, whenever they come along, because I know how I felt at age 7, being the odd one out. Luckily, my maiden name is also a female first name. So who knows, perhaps our first daughter will be named my old name. That could work for me.
April 28, 2010 5:11 am
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I grew up in a similar situation, living with my mother, stepfather, and half-siblings (I mean, they’re my total siblings, but technically, you know) with a different last name from me, and I hated it too! It was so awkward when friends addressed my mom by her ex-husband’s name, and it sucked for me when people assumed I was my siblings’ babysitter. Changing my name is basically a selfish choice for me… that Last Name of Awkward Situations is going bye-bye!
April 28, 2010 7:32 am
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But aren’t your situations a result of your mother taking (and giving to you) your father’s last name? And then (again) taking your step-father’s last name?
So clearly taking the male’s name did not cause family unity in those cases, right?
Would it have been better for you (growing up) if you had been given your mother’s maiden name (and she had kept it), or if your mother had kept your father’s last name (yours) during her second marriage, so she could share that with you?
It’s tough with half-siblings and step-siblings. They usually don’t share a last name… and I think maybe they shouldn’t. To some extent, the age of the children comes into play, but I didn’t ever consider it strange that my step-siblings and I had different last names. Yes, we were different. Yes, we didn’t feel like a cohesive family. But that was more a result of strangers being forced to live together, not of having different names.
I think it would be harder for us if there were half-siblings involved. The names reflect complicated familial relationships. If the relationships don’t feel complicated (that person would be lucky), perhaps children should be given the option to take the name shared by the people they most consider family?
April 29, 2010 7:05 pm
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I have a friend who changed her last name to her stepfather’s when she turned 18, both because he & her mom had raised her, and because they made a younger half-sister, and my friend wanted the shared last name with them. (But also because the BirthLast was not super attractive-sounding.) ;p
August 16, 2010 8:51 pm
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How sad for both of you. I so hope that our generation’s kids won’t have to go through that, that people will think and ask what a parent’s name is before automatically addressing them by a last name that no longer applies to them (or perhaps never did!).
April 29, 2010 2:27 am
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I’m so glad that you wrote this. It’s interesting to read about the strong emotional reactions of other people, because my experience with my fiancé has been quite the opposite. We’re trying to juggle a long list of considerations, and it’s hard to figure out what we would *want* to do, rather than negotiating two people who have strong but diverging opinions. Some of the factors involved:
- His last name is unequivocally cooler than mine.
- Both of us are feminists who hesitate at the woman adopting the man’s name on principle.
- Both of us have ambivalent to negative relationships with our parents. (Possibly the biggest reason I’m not just adopting his much-cooler name is because I’m not sure I want to perpetuate his abusive dad’s legacy.)
- I’m a PhD student who hasn’t published yet (but hopefully will soon!), so I really do need to resolve this sooner rather than later.
- I personally dislike the look of hyphenation, and our names don’t merge in a good way.
- We want the same last name for the sake of future-kids.
Negotiating all these different factors is really hard. So I’d love to read from people who *didn’t* come in knowing what they preferred, and how they eventually made their decision.
April 28, 2010 5:11 am
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I have the type of last name that wherever I travel inside my home state (South Dakota), I find relatives I never knew I had. It’s a good Norwegian name, and I’m so, so proud to carry the same name as my parents, my grandparents, their grandparents, etc.
My fiance loves his last name. He’s proud to be a HisLastName, and he jokes that when I’m a HisLastName, the world is different. Like blues are bluer or something.
After much discussion with my fiance (who is wholly supportive of whether or not I choose to take on Mrs. or stay a Ms., and who could care less what last name I choose for myself, as long as I’m happy), I’ve decided to hyphenate my name professionally and take his name in all other avenues. I am (as of this fall!) a graduate student in English literature, and I want to be known by both of my last names professionally. My career is mine, my dreams are mine (my fiance and I have shared dreams, too, but I dreamed these dreams long before he came along), and I want to reflect that.
However, I also want to honor our marriage and the conscious choice we’ve made to share our lives together (hence taking his name legally). While I understand the cultural underpinnings of what it originally meant to take on your husband’s last name (ownership), I don’t uphold those cultural underpinnings myself. I believe in my own independence, and taking on his name legally doesn’t change or challenge those beliefs for me.
So, professionally, I will be Sara HerLastName – HisLastName, but in all legal forms (i.e. from Social Security card to Christmas cards), I’ll be Sara HisLastName.
We haven’t explicitly talked about our future kids yet (we’re in our mid-20s, and far from mature enough to handle adding to our family, except in the canine department), but I’m sure that’ll be addressed at the appropriate time.
April 28, 2010 9:25 am
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At first I wasn’t going to change my name b/c I love it so much. (I have my father’s last name) But after I thought about it, I didn’t want to be a [Surname here] anymore b/c a lot of people in our family associate our last name with alcoholism and infidelity. For example, if a cousin and their partner split up b/c the cousin had a fling with their partner’s co-worker, the elder’s would laugh and say, “Well, they’re a [Surname here].” So I decided to take my fiance’s name. But now I’m having *gulp* issues with my future MIL. (Oh gosh, this is probably going to come back and bite me in the ass so hard.) But I don’t want to be Mrs. G and I don’t want to have the same name as his mom… but I don’t know how to tell him that.
April 28, 2010 5:11 am
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You don’t have to say it exactly like that, in those words; you could say you’ve been thinking about all this name-change stuff and wanted to discuss all sides of it. And don’t say, “I don’t want to have your mother’s name because I don’t like her”, say, “It seems odd to me to be the same as another person and I’m not sure that’s exactly what I want.”
April 29, 2010 2:34 am
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Also — it seems to me that many of the reasons for and against a woman changing her name are emotional, and therefore very personal. In terms of practicality, I just can’t come up with a good reason to change my name. So people don’t have to remember two last names when they meet us? So we don’t erroneously get mail addressed to E & S HisLast? I mean, the only compelling practicality argument I can come up with (correct me if I’m wrong) is for the kids, but at this point I can’t really imagine myself caring about what my kids’ teachers or friends’ parents think upon learning of my last name.
Also, as HitchDied commented on my blog the other day, “Mommy, why do you have a different name than me?” could be a great time to begin a dialogue about the patriarchy.
April 28, 2010 5:12 am
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I agree with that – I never had the same last name as my parents and it was never an issue (though I could see it being sensitive to it if they had kids with their last name and my sis and I were the only ones with differnt names as previous comments, but I digress)
Never once was it an issue with teachers. I think we can all agree that the 80′s and 90′s people were less aware of differences and even then no teacher or anyone was really suprised or didn’t get it. They know it happens. I completely agree that it allows for open dialoque with future kids. I really dn’t think your kids will care if they don’t have the same name as their mom, but if you care…then you can always figure out something that makes her happy.
April 28, 2010 9:10 am
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Yes! As the child of a mother who kept her name thus had a different last name as me… I was always so proud. It was the best education about the patriarchy and my mothers’ strength that I ever could have gotten. My mother’s choice to keep her name was what gave me permission to keep mine and not feel somehow scared for our future children.
April 28, 2010 9:37 am
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Such a timely topic again. I am originally from Québec and my first language is French. It has been impossible to change your name when you get married since 1980 in Québec. My mother kept her maiden name and got married in 1976. I have an hyphenated last name (from both parents, obvs). I love my long hyphenated last name. I always sign it all, even on credit card receipts. So basically, this idea of changing my name when I gete married has always been a non-issue for me because really, it just does not happen.
Fast forward a few years – I met an Australian guy, to whom I will happen to get married in 2 weeks. He comes from a cultural background of “women change their name when they get married, that is just what they do”. So you can see where we run into a problem. His family keeps asking me (in a nice way) what I will do with my name; his lovely elderly grandfather even weighed in on the issue. On the other hand, my parents are saying that I should not even consider changing my name, it is a backwards thing to do. Now add a thick layer of cultural identity crisis (I live in Australia, changing my French name to an English one is a big deal as it feels that I just abandon all of my French-speaking identity) as well as an intense need to belong in my partner’s family (my family still lives in Québec, so my being “officially” part of his family, name and all is important to me).
All of which to say that really, I pick the waiting option at the moment. Gah.
April 28, 2010 5:13 am
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I’m an Australian marrying an English guy – we live in Australia, and as part of this decision there’s the fact that I feel like I want to take his name because I’ve taken him away from his family, so it’s more important that we’re our *own* family.
April 29, 2010 4:51 pm
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My situation in terms of the level playing field is different in my mind due to the fact that my BF actually legally changed his full name when he was adopted by his stepdad at age 21. So he has an interesting perspective here on names not really being so much your identity as a way to connect yourself to the people around you that you love.
This is challenging my previously held viewpoints about name and identity, so it will be interesting to see where I arrive at as the two of us move closer to being engaged.
April 28, 2010 5:17 am
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Sorry to comment so much. But interestingly, I was actually against changing my name in part because I was also adopted by my “step-dad” as a child. I already had to choose my name and identity I didn’t want to have to do it again.
April 28, 2010 7:32 am
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It definitely made me think a lot more about identity and names. I suppose it’s going to be different for each of us based on our experiences. It was so easy for my boyfriend to make the decision to go from Robert FormerLastname to Lewis NewLastname IV because for him his identity was not so much the name as it was the family he was a part of.
On top of it all, my last name is Smith so I’m sufficiently and comfortably anonymous in that sense.
April 28, 2010 7:57 am
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Same here!!
April 28, 2010 9:08 am
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YES, this, C. Exactly. Mine is slightly different, but a similar situation.
April 28, 2010 7:18 pm
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“not really being so much your identity as a way to connect yourself to the people around you that you love” Yes! That’s exactly what I needed to read. It’s what I feel – I just had never phrased it that way in my head. Thank you.
April 28, 2010 8:27 am
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It’s interesting to hear people who’ve had previous name changes and how this changes their perspective. I, too, already changed my name once, when I was 11 and my mom got remarried. I wanted to have the same name as the rest of the family. I occasionally regret this decision now, but for me this previous change made it seem more ok to change it again. Partly because it made me identify more with my first and middle names as being the things the define ME and the last name as defining my family (as per discussion further above).
April 28, 2010 9:50 am
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We hyphenated socially, but legally we’ve both kept our last names. At the time we had every intention of changing it legally asap (non-legal gay wedding, changing by deed-poll was the only semblance of legality we have), but never got around to it. The further we get through, the less inclined I am to do it. I’m in grad school under my maiden name so logistically its easier, and where we live, changing your bank/social security/almost everything somewhat formal details is free with a marriage certificate but costs with a name change cert. As well as the fees for actually changing our names.
Most people who know us socially don’t know we haven’t done it legally yet, and its working out great for us. We’re leaving the ‘what will we do about kids?’ question until that is an issue. For now we’re just going to run with it.
April 28, 2010 5:18 am
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Seems to me this is as much a practical question as it is an emotional one. I am also a child of 70′s feminists and have a fairly straightforward hyphenated last name (2 syllables, moms then dads). However it has caused me A TON of administrative hassles in my life, from not receiving mail to not being able to use credit cards to DMV issues etc etc etc. Plus now I live in the UK and people here think it’s really posh as opposed to hippie/feminist.
I’ve gotten used to it and I’m sticking with my name, it almost never even occurred to me to change it until his mom said “oh! another mrs, his for the family!” I nearly lost it… I’m trying hard to be dr. me and no way am I trading that in for mrs him. He’s fine with this, would even change it to mine I think if I really wanted but I am happy with us staying as we are. But oh, what to do when we have a fam? I hate my hyphen, don’t want to inflict it on anyone else, and then which of my names would I even use? Mom’s side of the fam has lots of kids, dad’s none at all.. It’s a quagmire I tell you.
April 28, 2010 5:19 am
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Wait, why is it always Mom’s then Dad’s? I’m American with only one last name, but my partner is Spanish, where they always do Dad’s then Mom’s. I didn’t realise there was a “usual” way to hyphenate, and that it was Mom’s then Dad’s. Why do people seem to think that having one’s last name last is better?
And sorry to giggle, but when you said that his mom said “Oh! another Mrs. His for the family!” it made me think of the episode of How I Met Your Mother when they give Lily a Mrs. Eriksen apron and she freaks out. (Season 1, episode 9 http://www.surfthechannel.com/video/101/38538.html )
April 29, 2010 2:54 am
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Oddly, in the US the traditional hyphenation is the reverse of the way it’s done in Europe. God knows why. The comments have really made me think though, for us, I’m not ok with hyphenation if that means it’s my name that’s eventually the one slated to be dropped. That would seem a bit like…. equality on the surface, but not real equality. Which. Is going to spark some conversations around here.
April 30, 2010 6:44 pm
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My fiance and I joke that whoever of us publishes a journal article first, we’ll use that person’s last name. We’re both close to finishing manuscripts and I suspect I am a little more serious about this ‘bet’ than I let on. Because it is such a big topic, and because both our names are a bit awkward, and we’ve each developed professional identities with them, it’s not obvious to me how we should proceed, and joking about it makes it a bit more manageable…or at least easier to put off the decision until after the wedding, which is what we’re doing. But you’re right, Meg, that it must be talked through, and thank you for writing this – I’m going to share it with him so we can delve into the discussion.
(…but now back to my manuscript! :)
April 28, 2010 5:24 am
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<3
April 28, 2010 5:55 am
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People laughed at me too when I brought up my fiance taking my name! I did not appreciate it. Or guys who said it was a “deal-breaker” if their wife wouldn’t take their last name, soooo thankful my fiance is not like that and realizes that it is 2010.
I’ve struggled with this issue too, but recently I’ve been looking at it like adding to my name rather than changing it, and telling people I am adding to my name, not changing it. So for example, instead of Jen Smith, I’ll be Jen Smith Jones. And we’ve been talking about him taking my last name as his middle name, so he would be John Smith Jones. That is something that makes me feel good about it, we are both adding to our names as we become a family. Everyone else has laughed at us about it, but he didn’t — which is the only thing that matters.
Thanks for writing about this! It is an emotional struggle I think many women are dealing with, but don’t talk about. At least no other brides I know of right now! So thank you.
April 28, 2010 5:26 am
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Jen
I think you are in almost exactly the same place I am. I did a lot of thinking about names even before we got engaged. On the one hand, it is important to me to share a family name. I think it gives a shared sense of identity and sends a message that we are a family. I totally think that everyone needs to make their own choice and want everyone to do what is best for them and their family, but, in truth, I sometimes find the lack of clear social signals confusing. I don’t know who is married who is unmarried and living together etc and it seems rude to ask. I really shouldn’t care and in most ways I really don’t. Its not like I’m going to treat people differently one way or the other. Nevertheless, it is important to me to send that social signal that we are a family and committed to one another. (For what its worth, I don’t think I noticed names as much before the prospect of possibly changing my own name was on the horizon, and I suspect I won’t notice as much after it is settled either)
On the other hand, my name is an important part of my identity and I don’t want to give it up. I agree with Jen that the prospect of adding to my name is more comfortable than of changing it and feels more in concert with the life transition I am making. I also like the idea of his adding my last name which would make it fell more (although not completely) even and symmetric (and it would get rid of the IV he is not so fond of). That last hadn’t even really occurred to me before we started talking about it and he suggested it. He doesn’t want to drop his last name entirely, which is understandable, but I am actually really impressed that he even thought of it without me bringing it up. He’s pretty wonderful.
The other wrinkle to the situation is that I am not only and only child, I am an only grandchild on my dad’s side, so I grew up feeling like I should pass on the family name. That is one factor that rather pushes me towards the idea of hyphenation even though I personally find it aesthetically unpleasing and it passes the dilemma on to the next generation (and it would be a four syllable mouthful). Moreover, that still leaves the question of whose name comes first.
April 28, 2010 9:19 am
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It actually might be a deal breaker if a guy wasn’t okay with me keeping my name. Now I’m thinking that in some ways I feel that it is just as stuborn and uncompromising as a guy saying the opposite… hmm…
luckily not a problem for me, my fiance would prefer I take his, but knows it’s something I’m passionate about and therefore is totally understanding.
April 28, 2010 9:34 am
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I don’t think it’s just as stubborn and uncompromising as a guy saying the opposite. If a guy won’t marry you if you don’t take his name, it’s like he’s saying: “I won’t marry you unless you do something you don’t want to do,” but if you won’t marry a guy who says you must change your name, it’s like you’re saying “I won’t marry you if you insist that I do something I don’t want to do.”
This is all assuming that the woman doesn’t want to take the dudes name — but if she wanted to, nobody would have to be insisting or standing their ground in the first place… so I think that’s an okay assumption in this scenario.
April 28, 2010 9:52 am
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I agree with Sarah here completely. There’s being stubborn about you maintaining your identity or making your own decisions, vs. being someone being stubborn about inflicting his identity or decisions on his spouse. One is affirming individual/gender strength/rights, the other is oppressive.
April 29, 2010 7:25 pm
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for this idea! I’ve been surprisingly uncomfortable with the idea of taking his last name (something I’d kind of always assumed that I would do), but I also don’t want to give up on the fantasy of us having the same name — after all, I expect to eventually have been married longer than I’ve been single, and I do want to define ourselves as a family (not that you need the same last name to do that, it’s just my personal, irrational feeling, not anything I think anyone else should subscribe to!). The idea of him taking my name as a middle name, and me taking his name as a last name, strikes the perfect balance for me — traditional, but also quietly and inobtrusively subversive.
April 28, 2010 12:52 pm
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I’m keeping my last name. For many reasons, my last name is important to me and to who I am. There really wasn’t any question about it for me, ever since I first knew that was an option when I was younger. I just happen to be really fortunate to have a fiance who is totally on board with that. He has never once asked me to take his last name or to hyphenate or any other alternative. I just one day after we got engaged confirmed, “you know I’m not going to change my last name, right?” and he basically gave me a look, like “duh.” I totally understand why people change their names, but it’s just not right for me.
We’re still not 100% set on what we’ll do when we have kids, but I am firmly against hyphenation. The people I know who have hyphenated last names talk about what an inconvenience it is. Right now, I am fine with our future children having his last name if that is what my fiance wants (and right now, he does). While I am pretty attached to my last name for myself, it is SUPER common and I like that my kids will have a more unique last name than mine (and won’t get emails and phone calls meant for someone else all the time). Plus, I don’t think people are going to be confused about what role I play in the family… with all the different forms of families out there, having one parent, or even one kid, with a different last name than the rest is not uncommon. I think what I might end up doing is giving my kids my last name as a second middle name, but who knows. I mean, like I said, my last name is really common and there isn’t any concern it’s going to die out if I don’t pass it on.
I’m guessing I might face a few raised eyebrows from family members (especially some of the older members of his family), and I’m certain I will get mail addressed to me as “Mrs. S,” and I don’t expect to be upset or angry, but who knows… I am not there yet. The two of us are already jokingly referred to as the “HisLastNames” by our social circle, and have been since long before we started dating, and we do the same with other of our couple friends, sometimes with the girl’s last name if she was the friend first, and that doesn’t bother me.
April 28, 2010 5:27 am
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Er, in that last paragraph, I meant “since long before we were engaged” — that’d be odd if they referred to us as such before we started dating!
April 28, 2010 5:30 am
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I know this is a super old post, but I just have to say: I had a hyphenated name growing up and I loved it. I still do. To be honest, I’m really frustrated that this “kids hate their hyphenated names” idea is still being accepted as fact when many people have stated on this thread (or perhaps on the follow up thread which I read first?) that they loved their hyphenated names.
December 5, 2011 8:29 am
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I fully plan on keep my own name when I get married, but I wanted to comment on the kids/ family angle of having the same name. When my parents married in 1977, my mother did NOTchange her name. All the kids have my Dad’s last name. Growing up (and I’m only 23 so this wasn’t too long ago), I didn’t think anything of it. I knew other Moms and Dads had the same last name and mine didn’t but it didn’t bother me (or my brothers) AT ALL. I suppose I am trying to comment from a child’s perspective of having married parents with two last names. IT. DID. NOT. MATTER. to me!!!, but it may matter more to adults.
As I got older and realized this was the feminist in my mom, I really respected her decision and in a way, saw her in a completely new light.
I wonder now, if growing up, teachers assumed that my parents were divorced or never married or separated because of their different last names. Or I went to the dentist and my insurance was under my mom’s name and I kept thinking “Do they think my parents are divorced because my mom’s last name is different from mine?” It’s a thought that never crossed my mind as a child, but that I now think about all the time.
April 28, 2010 5:32 am
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To add to my comment: Not that it really matters what they think, but it first crossed my mind only about a year ago that my parents having different last names might (probably) makes people think they are divorced. So now I think about it a lot. I don’t really care, but since it’s a new idea to me, it’s something I thnk about whenever it comes up.
April 28, 2010 5:43 am
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This reminds me of a comment my mom made about 15 years ago when looking at birth announcements in the paper. She commented that she was amazed how many children were born to unmarried parents. I told her that some of the women probably didn’t change their last names when they got married, and that my kids’ birth announcements would have parents with different last names. (Apparently, I was sure of my decision even back in high school!) She hadn’t even thought of that!
April 28, 2010 5:48 am
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Yes, they do. My mom changed her last name to my dad’s when they got married, and then changed it back because it didn’t feel right. All my dad’s relatives were upset at first because they thought she was going to divorce him, but other than that, there was no real fuss. All of us kids got her last name as our middle name. It worked well, and I never thought twice about it as a kid–honestly, I think that most kids have more important things to worry about (from their perspective, at least). But as I got older, I did get questions about who my stepparent was, if my parents were divorced, etc, etc. Not a lot, but just often enough to be obnoxious. I just said, ‘Nope, they’ve always been married, my mom preferred to keep her name” and changed the subject.
I always wondered about women who do change their names: how do you take ownership of it for yourself? I mean, I have 22 years’ worth of attachment and identity around my name, so how does it feel when I’m still me but my name is different? And how do you feel if your daughter-in-law decides to change her name as well? Is it weird, like they’re infringing on your identity somehow (in the nicest possible way, of course)? Is it nice to have someone else who has the same name? Do you not really care?
April 28, 2010 7:55 am
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Interesting comment. My mother kept her maiden name when it was not as common to do so, and then had me kind of late in life. So then my third grade teacher asked ME whether or not my dad was my “real dad” because my mother and I had different last names… but of course, my last name is the same as his, so this makes about zero sense to me. In addition to being a strange thing to ask a third grader. Or anyone.
April 28, 2010 11:41 am
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I felt so strongly about this, 25 years ago, that I kept my name. When I look back, the keeping of the name did not ensure a keeping of my self.
April 28, 2010 5:46 am
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LPC… most valid point! thanks for sharing
April 28, 2010 6:34 am
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Good point!
April 28, 2010 8:06 am
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Aw. Thanks.
April 28, 2010 8:36 am
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No wonder you’re so great on Twitter, you manage to fit entire paragraphs into short, concise sentences.
This was wonderfully explained (and further developed from yesterday’s thoughts), thank you. I think for some people a name change is the obvious sign of the identity change we all face when we enter into a life-long partnership. Maybe that’s why it’s such a big deal?
April 29, 2010 12:54 pm
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I think I read this less as – changing the name will not change the self – but more as a warning. We can’t think that simple choices, like keeping our names, will be enough to ensure the keeping of the self.
April 30, 2010 6:47 pm
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Meg, I love you.
I wanted to write about this but my blog (local newspaper frivolous) doesn’t really seem the place. So. I like my name. I want to keep it. It’s not my birth name, but my stepdad’s. and I am fiercely loyal to it. I got teased mercilessly for it at school, and that only made me love it more. It’s my byline at work, and’s it’s identified me in magazines, newspapers, and across the internet. My fiance wants me to take his name, but he’s not the kind to make a fuss if I said no.
But. I want our children to never have a problem caused by the fact that their parents have different surnames. So what to do?
My brother’s girlfriend is Spanish, and in her family it works like this: Children have double-barrelled names, mother and father. When they get married, the children drop one half of the name (daughters keep their mother’s and sons keep their father’s) creating another new double barrel for THEIR kids.
I have no idea what we’ll do yet (am going to worry about it post wedding), but I do at least have the benefit of being able to keep my name for work…
April 28, 2010 5:48 am
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It’s interesting that you’ve heard differently about Spain. My Spanish partner (and his family) tell me that it’s always Dad’s then Mom’s, and no one changes when you get married, but then the kids are also Dad’s then Mom’s. So basically the mom’s last name is one “lost” every other generation, but each child is always identified in the same way (they like to know where people come from… the back of his national ID card says “Son of Dad’sFirst and Mom’sFirst”, which both includes where he comes from and implies that his last names are in the “standard” order).
Spanish people think it’s weird that I have two first names (one’s a middle name in the US) and only one last name. Official government forms are fun, too, as I’m often called Mrs. MyMiddleName because they can’t figure out what to do with my names, all of which are foreign to them!
April 29, 2010 1:13 pm
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Thanks for writing on this topic. I especially appreciated the point you raised about not having the level playing field. I think that hits the nail on the head about a lot of this. It makes it more challenging to have a fair and honest discussion and debate about the topic if social norms are stacked against you. It is really hard to have a discussion about this topic with your partner inside a bubble. Yet, that is what needed to ensure that both sides are heard and respected and valued equally.
My partner has been more than supportive of whatever decision I made about my last name. And the idea of him changing his name was never on the table. When the question of the children’s last name comes up, he assumes they would get his last name. When I question that I automatic assumption, he then concedes to at least entertain the idea of this not being the case — but expresses preference if the child is a boy because he wants his “family name to be carried on.” (Insert rage and loud arguing from me here). Where did my sensitive, thoughtful, feminist boyfriend go?
April 28, 2010 5:58 am
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Thank you for this post, Meg! I also have rage issues when it comes to this.
For me it’s not even an issue. I WILL be keeping my last name, and not just because my last name cool and interesting, whereas he’s a Smith. (And one of the reasons that I love him is that I think he’d rescind the marriage offer if I wanted to change it.)
I was shocked at how angry and hurt I was when a lot of my friends started changing their names. I (obviously) kept it to myself, but I was just shocked at how many intelligent, feminist women went ahead with the change because it’s just WHAT YOU DO. I was like “wait! why doesn’t he change his last name?” and they’d all just stare at me and then laugh. How ridiculous!
It is NOT a level playing field. And if you stop to think about it, it de-values women’s identities, which is utterly maddening.
That said — my mother did not change her name, so my parents gave me her last as my middle and my father’s as my last. It’s a solution to the hyphenating thing, although it does end up privileging my father’s name — the name I pass along to my hypothetical children will probably be his, not my mother’s. It’s tough.
April 28, 2010 5:59 am
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The anger and the hurt are the reasons I realized I could never change my name, and it surprised me, too. I don’t have any particular attachment to my last name, and the lack of attachment has nothing to do with family issues – it’s my father’s name, I love my father, I love my whole extended family, and most of us share this name, except my mother, who kept her name – it’s just a name that’s kind of nasal sounding, hard for people to spell, and has no long-term family history because it was given to my great grandfather when he came through Ellis Island to replace an unpronounceable Polish name (a very common practice in the early 20th century).
So. For years I dated mostly women, and always figured that if I married a woman with a cooler last name than mine I would probably take her name when we got married, and if not, I’d keep my name, or maybe we’d pick a new shared name, or something. I didn’t have particularly strong feelings about it.
Now, though, I’m marrying a man, and in the last year my feelings about name changing have really solidified. Several of my friends and female cousins have gotten married, including the cousin I looked up to as my feminist icon, and one after another, they all changed their names. Every single time, I felt like I’d been punched. I took it really, really personally that these independent, strong, thoughtful women were taking their husbands’ names, and the reasons they gave were things like, “His is easier to spell.” I know, I know, it’s none of my business, everyone is entitled to do what feels right for her, and I never said a word to any of these people expressing my dismay, but it upset me SO MUCH. And I realized that if every time a friend changed her name it broke my heart a little, there was no way I could change mine. Not even if I was marrying someone with the coolest, easiest to spell, most mellifluous name in the world.
April 28, 2010 9:10 am
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i found this comment to be slightly insulting.
April 28, 2010 12:32 pm
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to clarify: the whole anger at women who change their names thing.
April 28, 2010 12:39 pm
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I’m sorry if you were insulted. I tried to make it very clear that I was talking about my feelings when people I actually know, close friends and relatives, changed their names. I’m not saying that there aren’t myriad excellent reasons to take a husband’s name, or that the women here who have made that choice aren’t thoughtful; I’m saying that when my friends and family did it, I was surprised by the vehemence of my emotions.
And the reason I shared those emotions is because they more than anything else are what led me to my decision not to change my name. My father always says, “You are entitled to your feelings, and you can’t help how you feel.” For me, in those moments, the feeling was visceral and powerful. I tried to share it in a way that was clearly personal and wouldn’t insult the many women on this board who shared stories of joyful name changing. But my truth, my experience, is that when the cousin who introduced me to Ani Difranco and 3rd wave feminism took her husband’s name, I felt hurt, betrayed, and confused. I should be able to share that here.
April 28, 2010 1:37 pm
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You don’t need to feel insulted Liz. It’s not anger she’s expressing, but being heartsick. And, I have to say, I have had that feeling many times before. It’s not that we don’t think everyone can and should make their own decision… but for me, for whatever reason, it can be very painful. That doesn’t make me a better person, but I’m not sure it makes me a worse person. It makes me self aware, and emotional. There are a lot of politics tied up in this issue, and having a personal emotional reaction to someone else’s decision – that you think they had EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD to make – well, that’s understandable I think. The point is making sure we try to understand why they made the decision, and what that means, and try to learn empathy.
Which is what this thread has been doing for me.
April 30, 2010 6:53 pm
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a reaction based upon prejudice is not excusable simply because you chalk it up to visceral emotion.
just as you “should be able to share” your feelings, so should i.
April 28, 2010 2:48 pm
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I don’t think that Molly’s emotional reaction to her close friends’ and family members’ decision to change their names was based in prejudice. Just as women who must choose whether or not to change their name feel rage and anger about the decision-making process, the girls and women who look up to those women have emotions around their name-changing, too. The emotions are real, they don’t come from a place of prejudice, they come from a place of anger about the realities of inequality. Men are given a free pass through the whole name-changing anguish — and that is simply not fair and it’s not just wives that feel that pain — the people who love them as well.
We have to remember to channel that anger towards the system that allows men to disengage from the process of identity navigation that women are forced to go through when they get married instead of directing anger at women who make choices different from our own. But, I don’t think that those of us who have felt anger around other women’s choices should be told that we are prejudiced — we are feeling a rightious anger, an anger that perhaps needs to be redirected, but an anger that needs to be acknowledged.
April 28, 2010 6:57 pm
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i do have to admit that i was reading molly and button’s comments in conjunction- and the common thread seemed to be that there is an underlying assumption that a woman who we THOUGHT was intelligent, thinking, feminist, etc no longer is if she takes on her husband’s name. which is not the case. many times, a lot of thought is put into the process of taking on his name… not just because it is, as button said “the thing to do.”
(sorry bout that- sort of was commenting on both comments at the same time, and didn’t make it clear)
to assume that a woman is unable to be an independently thinking feminist if she changes her name IS rooted in prejudice.
i’ve really appreciated that this discussion has maintained a certain level of… i guess, sensitivity? to other women’s decisions. to compare it to similar discussions common on apw, it’s like assuming that everyone who has an expensive wedding hasn’t put time and thought into their decisions to do so. when the truth of the matter is that many intelligent women make many different decisions.
April 29, 2010 6:32 am
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Thank you, Sarah. “Anger about the realities of inequality.” That’s it exactly. You said what I couldn’t figure out how to say.
April 29, 2010 6:44 am
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I think Sarah has this exactly right, for me at least. Though, again, I never feel anger… but sometimes I feel heartsick about the system, and the decisions we have to make. That in no way means that I think women who change their names haven’t given it tons of rational thought, or are not feminist, or are in any way less-than. But it does say something about my *personal* relationship to an age-old system.
April 30, 2010 6:56 pm
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I will not be changing my last name, but I think it’s really important to remember the whole point of feminism is to give women the authority to choose. So you’re intelligent, feminist friends are still being intelligent, feminists. They are just making choices, which is what we’re all fighting for.
April 28, 2010 9:21 am
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Yes, it is about women being able to choose… but it’s not JUST personal… it’s important to remember that our choices create the world around us. And our choices create what is possible for future generations and our choices have consequences beyond ourselves. These choices are politically loaded, they’re not just personal. If women never got up in arms in a loud and angry way about name-changing, no woman would ever have felt empowered enough to keep her own name. As ye olde second wave feminists used to say “the personal is political.” Our personal choices are not just personal — they have implications beyond ourselves and our families. The reason names are a big deal is that they’re public and they communicate more than we often think.
April 28, 2010 10:03 am
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I actually don’t think that feminism is all about allowing women to make their own choices. Yes, that is one goal of feminism, but feminism is also concerned with changing the circumstances under which women make choices to allow them to have real freedom of choice. Right now, the landscape of name changing is not neutral terrain and the choices that we make on that landscape are fraught.
That said, I think that any anger and hurt that we feel when our friends make choices we wouldn’t make should be directed at the patriarchy and not at women who are put in very difficult positions tied up with emotion, family, and identity.
April 28, 2010 11:13 am
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Well put! Meg, can we get a like button for comments?
April 28, 2010 1:14 pm
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I agree; the personal is always political, and it important to consider that, especially with these weighty decisions. But choosing to follow a tradition that has its roots in patriarchy isn’t, by default unthinking or unfeminist. As feminists we face these political/personal decisions every day: to wear makeup or not, to shave or not, to wear high-heels or a push-up bra or any bra or not, the act of getting married itself or not. The list goes on and on.
For all of us, it’s a matter of navigating those personal/political decisions. The name issue is something that, personally, I want to go against tradition. But I love shaving my legs and wearing high heels. Someone else might make different decisions, and at the end of the day I’m damn happy that we’re all making our these decisions.
I also really like what you said about anger being directed towards the patriarchy, rather than individual women, regardless of your decision. I think that is *SO* important. No one should feel shamed into keeping her “maiden name” (I hate that term), just as she shouldn’t feel shamed into changing it.
April 28, 2010 1:21 pm
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I hadn’t thought about how demeaning “maiden name” could be. Do you prefer surname?
What if men’s last names were also referred to as their maiden names, or perhaps their “virgin names” or even “boy names”? I think there’s something lovely and amusing about that. It conveys to us males how patronizing the term “maiden name” is… but it also gives it less weight, which might actually be a good thing. Maybe if we thought of our surnames as “virgin names,” more men would be more willing to change theirs at marriage as well.
I apologize for my previous use of the phrase “maiden name.”
April 29, 2010 7:48 pm
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Yes. Exactly. I’ve made a lot of those same choices. And I didn’t change my name, but I wear high heels to work, because it’s “expected” so who am I to talk? We each make our own choices.
I also want to say that – for all that the name change game can make me really really heart sick, I’m really grateful that women now have a chance to MAKE these choices. And choices implies options – the option to change your name (or add to your name, as someone so graciously put) as well as to keep it.
This thread couldn’t have really existed a few generations back, and I’m grateful that it can exist now. Because you know what? Reading this, and thinking, I’m not sure this decision has always been easy for women. I think it has caused some joy, but also some pain for time immemorial. The difference is, we’re allowed to talk about it now.
April 30, 2010 7:03 pm
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Amen, Kyley. Right on.
April 28, 2010 10:14 am
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After reading all 417 posts (or that’s how many there were when I started reading) this is still the comment that makes the most sense to me.
We’re allowed to be surprised if someone we thought would change/keep their name doesn’t or does. But ultimately, it’s none of our damn business.
Whenever people get married, I always ask what they’re doing with names. Not because I’m a busybody, but because I think it is a basic civility to get someone’s damn name right. And because I want to make sure I write the correct names on their Christmas card. If you explain it as such when asking, people are usually touched that you bothered to bloody ASK and don’t mind telling or explaining.
The idea of waiting makes a lot of sense to me. You probably need a chips down convo with the partner to make sure that should you decide NOT to change, that it’s not going to trouble him at some later date. But weddings are hard enough as it is. You don’t need to do EVERYTHING right away.
Great post, Meg. Really terrific.
April 29, 2010 3:05 am
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“I was shocked at how angry and hurt I was when a lot of my friends started changing their names. I (obviously) kept it to myself, but I was just shocked at how many intelligent, feminist women went ahead with the change because it’s just WHAT YOU DO.”
Comments like this are one of the main reasons I am afraid to change my name. I hate the thought that people will think this of me. I like to consider myself an intelligent, feminist woman but I do think I will take my fiance’s name. And it is NOT because “it’s just what you do” – I have considered this carefully and feel it’s the right decision for me. And probably your friends have too. It is about choice and making the choice with your eyes wide open. So give your intelligent friends the benefit of the doubt!
April 28, 2010 10:09 am
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+1
April 28, 2010 11:46 am
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Thanks for this. Good reminder that we all just need to cut each other some slack.
April 28, 2010 1:00 pm
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This is such an interesting topic to me. I’ve discussed this a bit with my partner, including hyphenating, him taking my last name, my taking his, etc. He’s made it clear that he’s keeping his, as he’s quite fond of it, but doesn’t mind if I keep mine either. The name change ball is entirely in my court. I run in a very progressive circle, and am the very vocal feminist of my family. Quite frankly, after an entire life time of really lame and repeated jokes regarding my name part of me would be happy to lose it and never have to hear someone’s attempt at being clever again. On the other hand, I feel that if I do take his name, I’ll be really, really judged by the community in which I live and work. Like doing the traditional thing makes me a bad feminist, less independent and they’ll push me into a box and identity that just doesn’t fit me simply based on my name.
April 28, 2010 5:59 am
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Interesting situation you describe. Ideally, feminists should support people getting to choose what is right for them, even if it is a different decisions than they would make for themselves, but these situations are hard. I am a feminist who is leaning toward taking my fiance’s name, and as with most who have commented here, my reasons are complicated.
April 28, 2010 8:11 am
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It is interesting how many people want to have the same name for their kids. My name is Alder Middle Dad’s Mom’s and my brother’s name is Flint Middle Mom’s Dad’s, and we have never had any significant problem with having different last names. The whole family shares names in some way (except my parents– they kept their own names unchanged), so we all feel connected. Some people are a bit taken aback at first and school districts do tend to send things to “Mr and Mrs Child’s Name,” but it really wasn’t a big deal.
Probably because of my background, I have never ever intended to give up any part of my name, but I am considering adding to it. We might add each others last names as middle names– then we have the connection, but retain our own last names. I think my fiance probably is a tiny bit sad that I am not taking his name, but he knew going in (as soon as he met my mother, who tells people who call asking for “Mrs MyDad’sName” that she doesn’t exist) that it wasn’t going to happen. The only downside to our plan is that our names will get really really long– mine would be Alder Middle Dad’s Fiance’s Mom’s, which is a lot.
April 28, 2010 5:59 am
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This is almost exactly my plan! I don’t plan to change my name. My fiance never felt strongly about it, and if he did, I might have thought more about it. He grew up with divorced parents who had separate names, a stepmom with his dad’s name, and never felt much confusion because of the names. He also knew siblings with different last names, so that’s our plan. If we have a girl first, she gets my name. If we have a boy first, he gets his name. The second kid either way will have the other name. I think it will be an interesting social experiment!
Besides, we’ve been living together for 5+ years and mail has been addressed to us in every possible iteration. For whatever reason, we find this amusing. I hope I keep that feeling after the wedding. I assume many relatives will assume I’m taking his name, but we’ll clearly sign all of our thank you notes from the wedding with both names to remind them we’re keeping our own names!
April 28, 2010 7:32 am
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oh yay! I love what you’re doing. We have discussed this as a possible solution for kids… but, as someone who didn’t give a hoot that my parents had a different last name than me, I would have been kind of sad to not have the same last name as my sister. So it’s been kind of a debate. I do think kids are fine with whatever though, kids just accept so much – resilient little creatures!
April 28, 2010 9:56 am
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Leigh, this is exactly what my parents did. Generally, it worked great. I, being the older, have my mom’s name (1st one came out a girl) and my younger sister has my dad’s name. The biggest problem was that my mom had to continually prove that my younger sister was in fact her daughter even though she had a different last name (this was after my parents divorced, so it was furthur complicated, but she had troubles before the divorce as well). Eventually my mom remarried and did take my stepdad’s last name. I have been the only one in our family (besides grandparents) with my last name for 12 years. Now, I’m faced with the choice of whether or not the line will be continued to the next generation. If I don’t keep it, it will be gone. If I do keep it, and do the same thing as my parents, it will be gone anyway. I feel in between a rock and a hard place now . . .
April 30, 2010 8:04 am
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I am so happy to hear that this worked for someone! Changing my name has never been an option and I’m always secretly annoyed that even for all my friends who have not changed their name (or aren’t even married) the children automatically get the father’s last name. Right now, I feel very strongly about one (some?) of my children having my own last name and I have mentioned that to my partner as a way to bring it up before we are actually forced to decide on it. For many families where the parents each kept their own names, the family is referred to as the Hers His’s anyway, so wouldn’t that still work if some of the kids had one name and the others had the other?
Then again, while I’m writing this I don’t all the “mine vs. his” talk. It will be a new family, “our” family, and so I can appreciate the meaning in that being represented with a shared name.
But it still makes me mad that the default is always his name. And then women have to add a disclaimer onto our own views about this that the issue is “silly” or “stupid”. Not a level playing field, indeed.
Thanks again for sharing, Alder, as this is the first time I have heard of different last names for children working for a family.
April 28, 2010 8:26 am
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Oh man, I love your mom!
I am not concerned about my kids all having the same name, so much as I am trying to figure out how I will navigating the uneven playing field. For example, if we both keep our names, I simply don’t know what we will name our kids. Picking just one of our names for our future children seems unfair, for all the obvious reasons. Our names really, really don’t hyphenate well, so that is out. Maybe we alternate between kids, including the other’s last name as a middle? But to me, the middle name seems like a consolation prize. Maybe all the boys have my name and the girls have his name? Or vice versa?
Once you open the door, there are just so many options, it is very hard to know what is the best option.
April 28, 2010 9:32 am
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Funny story– I was born first and when my parents decided on their naming method, my mom thought they were going by gender and my dad thought they were alternating. . . they lucked out that they had one of each! :)
April 28, 2010 12:28 pm
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I was planning on making a comment about this exact situation. I know some children (I’m a teacher) in this situation. Same family, different last names. The daughter has her father’s last name and the son has his mother’s surname. I thought it was a clever solution, possibly another way to carry on a family name, possibly another option for parents to share their respective surnames with children.
April 28, 2010 4:35 pm
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I just have a small anecdote. I did not change my name when I married last year.
My very catholic grandmother that I only this year became really close to was in my car the other day. She saw one of my husband’s business card and commented on his last name. She then said my first name with his last name indicating that she thought this was my new name. I quickly responded “Oh, I didn’t change my name.” To which she said “You have that option?” and I said “Yes, you do.” End of conversation.
April 28, 2010 6:00 am
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Aw, I find this incredibly touching!!
April 28, 2010 9:35 am
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Oh, Meg,
I always fall in love with you a little bit more after one of these possibly-inflammatory posts. You do an excellent job of balancing!
“Your mother in law doesn’t get a vote on this one”!! By god, no!
Thank you for bringing the uneven playing field up, and for touching on what is truly dear to my heart: the kids issue. I hate that I get so worked up about the name change, but it will be probably the most frustrating thing about marriage to me. He has no issue with me keeping my name (his mother is Ms. HerName), but I want us all to share one family name. I don’t love my last name due to my horrible father and have often thought of changing it to my mum’s maiden name, so why does it bother me to have the option of taking his? He won’t give his up, which I sort of understand, as he’s the only male grandchild, but I would want us both to take a whole new name. Hyphens can be a pain in the ass. I think it would level the playing field if we mashed up our current names or even picked a whole new one… but that isn’t and will never be on the table. I have five sisters, and have slowly lost each of my sisters to “HisName” and this drives me insane.
I too have the frustration of being about to embark on a professional career that may require me to retain my name, which could mean that I keep it professionally at least.
I think I’m being very stubborn and angry in part because I moved to his state, will live with his family, etc. I want some bit of me that’s mine…but I feel less than intelligent that my stand is coming on something that I’ve always hated (my father’s last name). Help!
(I kind of like the Spanish culture idea via Mayweed!)
April 28, 2010 6:01 am
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I moved to his state, too. Then his parents moved here. I’m four time zones away from my parents, and two from my nearest sibling. We get regular drop-bys from his parents (though his siblings live in the same states as mine).
I wish I could tell you to make a stand about it, “I’ve given up enough…I’m not taking your name!” and say that would make it all better.
I can’t.
But, I can tell you I know the feeling and we’ll figure it out. Somehow. *hugs*
April 29, 2010 2:28 pm
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I took my husband’s last name, and it’s beautiful. We’re joined together, we’re a family… I’m so happy that I’m now a “Mrs.”
But, if that isn’t for you… You could always do what my husband’s sister and her fiance are doing: Make up a new last name. They are just combining their last names to make a whole new one… A whole new future for them, without the baggage of the past, or something like that.
April 28, 2010 6:04 am
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I’m so glad it has been such a pleasant experience for you!! :)
April 28, 2010 9:37 am
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yay for reading a comment about someone who took their husbands name – i’m planning to do the same next month. maybe it’s because we have such a great first name :-)
April 28, 2010 8:45 pm
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Great post Meg. I feel we should have more options, like your husband take your name, or starting a new family name, and such.
As it’s been pointed out a couple of times in the comments, I happen to live in Quebec where rules might be different than anywhere else… All women keep their name. Growing up, my mother was ms.her.name, my grandmother was ms.her.name. So it never occurred to me that this was odd or different: it was just how it was! You’re in fact forbidden by law to take your partner’s name. In my family, we saw a great practical application of that when my sister married her now-wife; I realized then this was really well-suited for gay marriages, because in this case who is supposed to take whose name?
Perhaps because this has always been the reality for me, I never associated names with belonging. The fact that we had a different name than my mom did not make us less of a family unit, and that’s how I also feel about my own family now (I don’t have the same last name as my son, who has my husband’s name). I felt much more strongly about my son having my name than taking my husband’s name (which never even was an issue for me), but after much thought we decided not to hyphenate for different reasons, in part because his first name is already hyphenated and long. So. In the end, I decided that it was just a name. It doesn’t make me his mother any less. It’s pretty much the case for everyone here, and I guess the society is still doing fine!
Over the years, I’ve come to know several women who did change their names for various reasons, however, and thought that it made a lot of sense: if your last name is horrible and unpronounceable, for instance, or if your husband is from another country where you move, and culturally speaking, keeping your name would be extremely frowned upon and taking his name would make everything easier in terms of paperwork and general acceptance in your new culture.
April 28, 2010 6:10 am
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I’d always thought that if I got married before I completed medical school I’d consider changing my name and if I got married after graduation that I’d not be open to changing it. MD degree name changes can be logistically and professionally difficult (licenses, board scores, published articles, professional reputation, etc).
Then, I met my fiance 3 weeks before I started med school. He’s been with me all 4 years since. Together, we decided it was best to wait until I was done with school to marry. We had two ‘optional’ wedding dates-the weekend before and the weekend after my graduation. Suddenly, my ‘easy little matrix’ for name change vs not didn’t work as well! I didn’t see logic in one week’s time determining my last name! So it was back to “do I or don’t I”…in a field where there’s a lot of pressure regarding name changes.
I’m happy with MyLast. If the name change were unimportant to my fiance, I’d be keeping it. But he feels that the name change is important-for reasons I won’t go into here. After MUCH thought, and a long time to come to terms with the idea (2 years…I can see how those with a 6 month engagement might not have time to process it so fast!), I decided to change it.
I’ll be going from Ms. MyLast, to Dr. MyLast to Dr. MyLast HisLast all in the space of a week and a half when I graduate and get married. I may eventually transition to just Dr. HisLast-but by having both names legally it should ease some of the logistics of the change (ex-when I sign things with the maiden name), and gives me the option to be “me” still!
I really do dread the days to come when we get formal mail addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst HisLast (honor titles should not disappear on formal mail!), or any mail at all addressed to Dr. Hisfirst Hislast or Dr. and Mrs. HisLast (because, you know, girls can’t be doctors).
April 28, 2010 6:16 am
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If you were so inclined, I’d be interested to hear what your fiance’s reasons were, for it being particularly important. I will admit that I am inclined to be dismissive of men who feel this way (my partner happens to not care either way) and I don’t think that is a very fair position for me to hold.
If you don’t want to disclose, feel free to ignore me! Thanks.
April 28, 2010 9:43 am
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It’s kind of a two-stage decision for us.
The strongest part is first-He wants for us to have the unity that comes from sharing a name. From it being easily recognizable that we’re married partners to possible eventual kids. He’s ok with it being hislast, mylast, or something different entirely. He just wants us to have the same one. His openness to changing his name really helped level the playing field for me-esp because I know how important his actual name is to him, and he’s willing to give that up for us to have the same one.
I don’t really like the idea of making up one, and hyphenating our two names would be way too unwieldy for me to successfully use repeatedly every day. (introductions to patients, signing it over and over, etc.) So I vetoed those two options, leaving us to chose one of our lasts.
The reasons we chose HisLast over MyLast are multifaceted. A big one is that his name is a significant tie to his family. He was adopted, and his name is a strong connection to the family he grew up with, loved, and was nurtured by. His sister (also adopted-different bio parents) is special needs and won’t ever be able to get married (can’t legally make such decisions for herself). So there’s a lot of emotional connection for him, and for his family with him having his current last name. Plus, they’re wonderful kind folks, so it’s not like I have hesitations about “associations” with a certain name. (like some women want to get rid of their last because of how they were treated as a child or by family members bearing that name)
I come from a family of 3 kids-I have two younger brothers. We all look alike, and look like our parents-the family resemblance runs strong! I get picked out as being “a Weaver” or “a Mom’sMaiden” by folks I’ve never met who know my siblings, or haven’t seen me since I was a tiny baby. Our “family ties” are evident to total strangers. So it doesn’t feel like as big of a deal to me, or anyone in my family, if myself or any of us kids changed our names.
My reasons for not wanting to change were largely logistical/professional…and I really feel like the emotional value to my partner is greater than the logistical or professional inconveniences I may encounter.
So for us, it seems like the best option is for us to use his name as our common last name, and for me to keep mylast and use it as my middle name or as a double-last as is convenient. (My resume, for example-to tie together articles and such).
April 29, 2010 7:52 am
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Oh, man, thank you so much for sharing this. Your story and your decisions make so much sense. Thanks, again.
April 30, 2010 7:51 am
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I would love to hear his reasons for why it is particularly important as well. When I think about name changes in heterosexual relationships I tend to think that if a woman wants to change her name, great… good for her. But so many of my friends haven’t wanted to change their names but have been convinced to do it by their now-husbands who really wanted them to. In those situations, I harbor some resentment towards the husbands. I really feel like, if it’s important to the dude to have the same name, he should just change his name. But, I’m married to a woman and thus have sidestepped the whole unequal-playing-field of decision-making around this issue (alas, side-stepping that problem sends you down a whole different path of inequality).
April 28, 2010 10:46 am
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I typed my long reply just above. I do feel that we were on a level playing field for our decision, but I have seen situations where it isn’t. And those are indeed frustrating to watch!
April 29, 2010 7:56 am
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Thank you so much for offering some insight into your decision making process — I’ve found htat listening to so many women’s stories has been really helpful for me as I try to come to terms with some of the resentment I hold towards my friends’ husbands.
April 29, 2010 10:42 am
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Haha, my husband is a doctor and we were sitting down at a dinner during my admitted student weekend for my business school. One of the current students leaned in and asked how it was that my husband was able to arrange medical school and the MBA program concurrently. “Ah,” I said, “I am the half of the couple pursuing the MBA.” He was less embarrassed than he should have been.
So not only can women not be doctors, they can’t go to business school, either!
BS.
April 28, 2010 10:11 pm
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My last name means a lot to me, and quite frankly, my husband’s name combined with my first name sounds HORRIBLE. So originally the idea would be to tweak my name to My first My last His last. The flow was decent. And that’s how I was announced at the wedding.
Fast forward to after the honeymoon, after getting a lovely haircut, and my sweet husband asking about when I was going to do all the paperwork for the name change (Just to note, he didn’t think I should change my name, because I was Melissa W*** when he met me and will always be Melissa W***. Or Mel as he prefers), because he wanted to take care of the health insurance change.
That simple, non-invasive question made me feel like I was drowning. I wasn’t ready, and hell, I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to. So I sobbed. And THAT indicated to me that I shouldn’t change my name, at least for now. And my husband Ray FULLY supported it—even said he was relieved! He had considered taking my name, but his name is his brand right now, and I completely understood.
Nevertheless, we get mail for Ray and Melissa His Last Name. I get checks made out to Melissa His Last Name. And it burns me. Because that ISN’T MY NAME. I have to sign that fake name AND my real name on those checks (and after the wedding, there were a lot). And I can forgive the wedding checks and cards, because my decision wasn’t final then. But it’s almost 6 months later…give me a break.
April 28, 2010 6:19 am
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Regarding the “we want a family name” line of thought…I had that too. But I still didn’t want to change my name. Then I remembered all the other women in my family who either kept their names or hyphenated and never had a problem from anyone about it. People say “oh, it will cause problems at your child’s school.” Not so, as far as I have heard from these women. My DF’s mother also never changed her name, and she reports no issues with schools or anyone else about it.
In the end I’ve decided to hyphenate, mostly because the first-wave feminist lurking inside of me who still reads Ms magazine and resents bras thinks it sounds cool.
April 28, 2010 6:19 am
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I always assumed I would take his last name, and for the time being that is still the plan. but I am having a few more issues with it than I thought I would, especially in sorting out exactly what form I want my future name to be, what I do with my current last name, etc. I just finished my Ph.D., and will be Dr. MyName in less than a month. I have published under my name. So for academic/professional reasons, I want to keep my name in some way. I was leaning toward using my last name as my middle name but I realized recently that I am really really attached to my middle name (which I never quite knew before) – it is the same middle name of almost every other woman in my family, and I don’t want to let it go. So now I struggle with FirstName MiddleName MyName HisName being excessively unwieldy…
I am really interested to read about people who have opted for slightly different versions professionally vs. socially – it is something I hadn’t thought about too much before, but could be exactly what I was looking for…. so I can keep my middle name for me, and my last name for publishing. Although again I wonder about the Dr. vs. Mrs. vs. Ms. issue – at this point, perhaps because the dissertation defense process is still so raw and fresh in my mind, I can’t stand the idea of being Mrs. anything. But then I read etiquette guides online (for addressing invitations, etc) and so many of them say that titles like Dr. are not used socially. Is it weird that I feel ok with being Dr. HisName but not Mrs. HisName? I guess maybe because I know I earned that Dr. on my own. At one point in time I specifically wanted our wedding to happen after graduation so that my diploma would have Dr. MyName on it…. So any other Dr’s out there have advice on this one? I know lots of people with Ph.D.s who don’t use their titles at all (including my FIL) and I’m sure my attachment to it will mellow out in time, but I feel like being Dr. HisName may be the only way I can handle the HisName part.
The timing is another interesting question… I am starting a faculty position in August, and getting married in October. So for approximately 2 months, I will be Professor (or Dr.) MyName. then I will suddenly overnight be Dr. HisName? I worried for a while about all the hassle of changing door nameplates & email addresses & work forms & how students will make the shift, and wondered if I shouldn’t just introduce myself as Dr. HisName on the first day anyways… or wait to make the name change (at least at school) until the spring semester, or something…. And part of me is pretty upset that it is only the female half of the partnership that has to deal with all that crap (traditionally) but then I also realized I needed to stop worrying about the “hassle” or “inconvenience” it might be for anyone else and just be the name I want to be when I want to be it. My students can deal. The IT department can deal. So in that sense I have taken comfort in the knowledge that so many women have gone through the same transition (yes, even in academia) and that everyone else is going to be smart enough to figure it out…. eventually.
April 28, 2010 6:20 am
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yep, i still call myself my given name at work, for the same reason- students know me by that name.
April 28, 2010 6:36 am
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In three weeks I start a new job, one with daily networking meetings. My new co-workers who are already in the meetings decided (knowing I would end up taking FH’s last name) that I should begin as Me Hislast from day one. They’ve already been speaking of me as a Hislast for the last few weeks. I know their reasoning, that it’ll be easier for people to know me only as one name rather than changing after a few weeks, but I’m not looking forward to a month or so of going between Mrs. Hislast and Ms. Mylast depending where I am or what I’m doing. I’d rather make one choice and proceed with it than waffle back and forth.
April 28, 2010 6:51 am
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yeah.. I can sort of see their reasoning and it was what I was considering for a while at first, but then I basically had a “F*** that!” moment of I’m sorry, I don’t care that it might be confusing for a little while… and really, people can be slow sometimes, but they’re not entirely stupid. And much like Meg has referred to in planning wedding entertainment (“your guests are adults, and can entertain themselves”) I think most of the people we work with can handle a change as well (if that’s what we choose). I guess I basically feel like if we are going to go through all the stuff of changing our names, the least other people can do is respect the choice and make the change when we do.
sorry if that’s an overly heated reaction. it may not be appropriate in all situations, but my realization was made coming after a discussion of timing of having children + tenure and frankly, after that, the idea of having to coordinate my personal life & personal decisions to a work calendar was just not ok with me anymore.
April 28, 2010 7:00 am
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I’m pursuing my MA in English at this point (CONGRATS on the PhD!), but I plan to carry my name hyphenated with my guy’s name professionally. Not a doubt in my mind about that – as I said above, my career is my own, my dreams are my own, and I’m taking ownership of that independence (while simultaneously honoring my marriage) by choosing to hyphenate. My guy just wants me to be happy (I feel so, so grateful!).
April 28, 2010 10:29 am
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I’m also an academic (soon to be a Dr. too!) and I’ve changed my name legally but kept my maiden name professionally. Legally, I’m MyFirst MyMiddle MyLast HisLast, but my professional name is still MyFirst MyLast. That’s what I publish under, that’s what’s on my CV. I know plenty of women who have chosen to use their married names professionally, but for me, this was the option that just felt right.
It can get confusing at times (I had to get my new employer to re-write my offer letter to match my legal name, because I need the offer letter to get my work visa in a new country!), but people are dealing just fine. I get the impression that women having slightly different professional and legal names is not uncommon in academia. FWIW, if you decide to use slightly different names socially and professionally, I’m sure you’ll be fine!
April 28, 2010 10:58 am
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I had the same schedule of complete PhD/ begin prof job in August, get married in October. I didn’t change my name – but I did have some funny feelings around being the new, only-junior, only-female professor in my dept. The differences between me and my older colleagues seemed to be highlighted when I returned to campus after the wedding and everyone was congratulating me. It’s hard enough to get taken seriously as a young, female professor (especially the first semester!), and students’ awareness of the wedding seemed to exacerbate that. All this is to say that it might be easier to introduce yourself as Dr. (or Prof.) HisName from the beginning so as to lessen the attention on the wedding and on the female as ‘marked’ category.
April 28, 2010 5:12 pm
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It’s interesting hearing about so many people who treasure their middle names.
I have no middle name. Nor does my brother, nor our father. And I think I treasure _not_ having a middle name in the same way that others treasure the ones they have.
But it complicates the issue. I can’t easily take my fiancée’s name as part of my own without giving up my own simplicity. I can’t easily pass on my simplicity to my future children while still linking them to their mother _and_ to myself. And I don’t want my children to simply take my name as my brother and I (and our mom) took my dad’s.
April 29, 2010 8:03 pm
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On using both versions interchangeably: my mom told me when she married my dad in Ireland, people called her either “Mrs HisLast” or “HerFirst MaidenName”. I kind of like that; its like well there’s this title she has and then there’s her name.
April 30, 2010 12:09 pm
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A friend of a friend changed her name, legally, to her FH’s a few months before they got married, so her law school degree would have the correct name on it.
You could do that, if you wanted to & the hassle now was less than it’d be then.
(Though it’s already August now, so…)
August 16, 2010 8:47 pm
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I find it so fascinating that it seems to come down to what to do with kids for so many people (not just in the comments, but among my friends as well). Most of my married-with-kids friends are couples with different last names, with the children all having the (same) last name of one of the parents — usually the father, but not always. The same is true for my not-married-but-with-kids couple friends, and several single mothers I know. Reported hassle of different last names? Minimal. Usually it’s just a matter of “this is John Doe, Susie Smith’s father, I’m calling about….” and there you go. (What is apparently a hassle is having multiple middle names – several of my friends have gone the route of giving the last name of the parent whose last name the children aren’t using as a second middle name – Susan Smith’s full name being Susan Jane Doe Smith – and school forms etc. apparently rarely accomodate this.)
Meanwhile, one of the reasons I am choosing to change my last name is because, while we would like children, there is no guarantee (for a combination of reasons) that this will happen for us, and because our culture still seems very biased towards defining a family as parents+children, I want to have the same name to reflect that yes, we are a family unit. (As for me changing my name, but him not changing his – well, he’s a junior, who shares his name with his late father, so his name means more to him than mine does to me. And, luckily, my middle name is by parents’ own admission somewhat of a throwawy, so I don’t feel I’m losing much going from Jennifer Middle Birthlast to Jennifer Birthlast Hislast.)
April 28, 2010 6:23 am
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I was never going to take my husband’s last name. Partly because I truly did love my old last name and a tiny bit for professional reasons, changing your name at work is a nightmare. And in my business your rep is all you’ve got, and mine was good, to start over with a new name got me down. And the nickname I’ve had since elementary was always the same, the result of a cool last name. Basically I just really liked my name.
And then. Two weeks after the wedding my dad left my mom and ten years worth of affairs came out. And suddenly I had no issue with changing my name. Suddenly I could not change it fast enough. And I know, this is an emotional reaction, but I do not regret it. I feel lighter with this new name. It would be awesome if we could just make up a new last name together, but that’s not a real possibility for us.
April 28, 2010 6:24 am
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A very timely post for me, Ms. Meg. I’m in the trenches of alerting his family to the non-name change right now and am loving all of the positive and polite thoughts in these comments.
A few months ago it was my man’s birthday and his mother sent him a card in the mail “from” our dog, Tabitha, wishing “dad” a happy birthday (i know…i know). The card was signed Tabitha Hislast. I’m blaming much of this on an epic bad hair day, but I started to weep, asking why she would be so thoughtless as to assume the dog had only his name.
This is to say I’m quite positive there will be many days of hand-wringing and collapsing on the floor in agony when the mail begins to arrive without my name. Now I must go sweep the floor in preparation (dog hair).
April 28, 2010 6:25 am
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Sigh. Changing my name to his was not an option, and hyphenating was not an option. Why not? Because my name is already hyhpenated. My parents filled my dance card for me and any option involves changing one of my names, all four of which I love. I have no solution, so I’m just waiting. Maybe in ten years, something will work more than it does now.
I will say that as a hyphenate, I’m not a big believer in hyphenation. My fiance thinks that is what we should do with our kids, but I can’t make them go through what I’ve gone through. I went to court and the judge said, “what?” when I said my name, like I was joking. The world should have caught up to hyphens by now, but it simply hasn’t.
April 28, 2010 6:26 am
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It made absolutely no sense for me to change my name professionally: and because I “am” my business, my bank account, car registration docs, ID number and whole life stayed in my own name. I therefore remain “Sara MyParentsSurname”.
Nevertheless, one of the first things I did when we were married was to change my last name on Facebook, and THAT has been one of the most liberating experiences! No more worries about the appropriateness of various weekend activities in the eyes of clients or colleagues: they don’t know my husband or his surname, so they can’t find me!
I was, however, overwhelmed by the “backlash” from some of my feminist friends: “We NEVER imagined *you* changing your name to your husband’s! Surely real strong women don’t give up their names???” Shock! Horror! Sies!
I actually feel rather ambivalent: I feel no surge or shift in how I describe myself – and I frequently use either name interchangeably. I remain me, whatever my surname. I have a very strong identity with my family (and the values instilled in me by my parents) that will not dissolve when (if?) I ever take my husband’s surname. THAT is the legacy. I think of a surname being no more than a title* and I can’t imagine how chosing one over the other will undermine the importance of the coming together of two personalities into one family or favour one legacy over the other. If anything, I think women often (or typically) have an upper hand in passing on personal/familial values to the offspring anyway (but THAT is a whole ‘nother boiling pot).
Meg: you’re a legend. Thank you again for sparking more conversation…
* er, but (in a completely irrational manner:) DON’T ever call me Miss. Or Mrs. I’ll be happy with Ms thankyouverymuch – my marital status has nothing to do with anyone who wants to use a title…
April 28, 2010 6:26 am
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sorta like this, i keep my given name at work. just because students know me by that name- and my husband’s name could make for a few crude jokes (which is just a bad idea with highschoolers) also, i’ve built a bit of a reputation- losing my last name would mean rebuilding that professional rep.
April 28, 2010 6:34 am
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Ooh, you hit the nail on the head there, Saartjie! If our relationship is so formal that you’re using my title, we’re not intimate enough for you to know my marital status.
April 28, 2010 11:39 am
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Wow. I am so thankful that this is not an issue for me. I have absolutely NO desire to keep my name. I don’t really like my fiance’s last name (the first time I heard it, I giggled) but it’s not horrible, and by taking it, I will be making a connection with the man that I love.
I might have been in doubt about this if my parents had never gotten divorced and re-married, but as it is, the only person I share my name with now is my dad. And he’s a cheater who didn’t respect his own marriage, so I am more than happy to leave that baggage behind and make my own choice about whose family I “belong” to.
But that’s just me.
April 28, 2010 6:29 am
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Sarah Beth- I am with you 100% on this. The decision of whether I would change my name was never really a decision at all. I have been waiting the entirety of my adult life to change my name because I have absolutely no ties to it nor do I feel like it’s any part of my identity whatsoever. My parents divorced when I was quite young and I haven’t spoken to my father in over 5 years, so I have been waiting to cut that final tie by ridding myself of his name.
April 28, 2010 8:56 am
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I commented on this later without reading yours. Exactly, I am in the same situation re: father, and I can’t wait to get rid of his name. I already have my mom’s as a middle name, so I’ll just keep it and add FH’s!
April 29, 2010 2:06 pm
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Also, Meg, I wanted to comment on this: “**When you don’t take your husband’s last name, you technically stay a Ms.” which sort of seems to imply that you can’t stay a Ms. if you do take the same last name as your husband – is that what you meant? My understanding is that Ms. is always correct for a woman, regardless of the origin of one’s current name or marital status, but that Mrs. is restricted to married women sharing their husband’s name thus one can be Ms. Herfirst Herbirthlast, Ms. Herfirst Hisbirthlast, Ms. Herfirst Newlastname, Mrs. Hisfirst Hisbirthlast, or – though not technically proper, quite common and no longer necessarily indicating a divorced woman – Mrs. Herfirst Hisbirthlast. Just not Mrs. Herfirst Herbirthlast.
April 28, 2010 6:31 am
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(Because while I plan to be Jennifer Birthlast Hislast, and will happily be Ms. Jennifer Hislast or Ms. Hislast, I am less than thrilled at the thought of being Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. I mean, I know some people will do that and I like to think I’ll take it in stride, but really? As far as I remember, even Miss Manners and Emily Post say it should be Ms. unless you know the woman’s preference for another form of address.)
April 28, 2010 6:35 am
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This was the only sticky thing about keeping my name, and the only time my husband ever reacted strongly to my decision. I had to explain the whole Ms. & Mrs. concept because he thought I was intentionally forgoing being a Mrs. He reacted because he thought for some reason I was against advertising my married status.
I recently moved to Texas where every student calls their teachers Miss or Sir depending on their gender. Many of them seem perplexed by the fact that I am married and am still a Ms. (Yes, even at the end of April). This was a great addition to our discussion about some cultural differences between current times and Elizabethan England.
Anytime a student calls me Mrs. I remind them that is the name of my mother.
April 28, 2010 4:54 pm
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why is it a rule that I couldn’t go by Mrs Mylast if I choose to keep my last name? Who decided that I can only be a Mrs if I take his last name?? I guess I’d never heard of this until Meg’s post (and I guess my friend’s MIL mentioned it at her wedding saying you’ll never be a Mrs because you’re keeping your name, but I just thought she was crazy then guess that must have been what she was referring to)
April 28, 2010 10:21 am
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Ms. was conceived as a generic title for women regardless of marital status (or name change). Unless someone has expressed desire for some other title, I always refer to women as Ms. whether they’re married or not, whether they kept their birth name or not. “Mrs. Name” is – technically speaking – the wife of “Mr. Name”. Thus, I am not Mrs. Myname because I’m married to Mr. Hisname, not Mr. Myname.
That said, I try to respect the personal naming choices that other people make. If someone requested to be called Mrs. Hername, even though her husband was Mr. Hisname, I would comply with her request.
April 28, 2010 10:41 am
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In French, the norm is now to use “Mrs” (Madame) for all women, regardless of marital status. I like it that way.
April 28, 2010 3:12 pm
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Yup. That’s just the rule. It doesn’t mean you have to FOLLOW it, mind you, but it’s the rule. There actually is a logical reason (it’s icky, so get ready)… Mrs. signifies who you are married too. So, if I become Mrs. Mylast…. well…. what that says in a formal sense is that I’m married to my father (or grandfather, etc). Which doesn’t mean you have to abide by that, but it’s always helpful to know the rules of the game before you break them, no?
That said, I would have been a Ms. no matter what my name change decision was. 1) Why is my marital status so important that it has to be signaled to the world as part of my formal title? and 2) If marital status is that important, then why isn’t my husband’s signaled to the world as part of his title? Plus, like Cate has said round and about these parts, if you don’t know me well enough to call me by my first name, you don’t know me well enough to know my relationship status.
So yes, any woman, any where at any time can be called Ms. That’s the whole point :)
April 28, 2010 9:47 pm
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Take Wikipedia’s truthiness as you will, but I find its entry insightful here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mrs.
Mrs. (pronounced “Missiz,” “Missez,” or “Missus”) was derived from Mistress. That originally referred to wed or unwed women (just as Mr., Mister, and Master referred to wed or unwed men), and the difference between Miss and Mrs. evolved sometime in the 17th century. I suspect that was around the same time Master evolved into Mister, and Master became reserved for young men or boys.
April 29, 2010 8:22 pm
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geez, meg. all those arguments over non-existent financial claims whet your appetite for argument??
meg already knows what an old-fashioned nerd i am. so i’m gonna preface by saying, “i’ve taught high school women’s studies. i consider myself a feminist” for the rest of yous guys.
that said.
i approached the name change the way i did all other traditional aspects of marriage (wearing white, “giving away the bride” etc.) outside of the realm of not only what is expected today, in modern marriages. but also outside of the long-time roots of where these traditions originated. for some reason, in the blog world we are HARDCORE about distinguishing what marriage means to US as individuals, but we don’t seperate marriage from its (sometimes, gender-biased) roots.
wearing white to me does not connote my worth as a virgin, having my dad give me away doesn’t mean to me that i am no longer his possession, but now belong to this other man. etc. these are parts of my wedding because of the meaning they hold for ME.
it sort of reminds me of some friends i knew who were opposed to halloween. they argued that by dressing up in costumes and going around asking for candy, we were endorsing a long-ago tradition of satanic worship and ritual. yeah, that’s where halloween has its roots. but that’s not the meaning the holiday holds for ME.
this goes for the name change thing. i don’t feel the weight of ages of struggle for women’s rights whenever someone calls me mrs. i am happy to be connected to my husband in such a decided way. it says, yes… “i belong to someone,” but not in that anti-feminist, possessive sense. in the “we belong to each other sense.” the same way wearing a ring speaks volumes to strangers. “mrs.” is just another way i let people (who often know nothing else about me) know i have someone at home waiting for and caring about me.
i’m at work and only half-focused on writing this comment. i reserve the right to recant, haha.
April 28, 2010 6:31 am
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I have somewhat of the same feeling. Deciding to change my last name to my fiance’s after we get married in October was actually one of the easier decisions I made in this whole process. I ignored all the theory and weight of history and went with what changing my name means for ME. I want to change my last name. I want to publicly identify myself as part of his family. It’s not that I don’t love my own family, but I am just not that attached to my current last name. I have my father’s last name, and I have almost no contact with his side of the family, so there’s no strong emotional attachment to people with my last name other than my immediate family. I haven’t put much thought into the Mrs./Ms. issue (probably because I know that I can’t really control what people call me and since my fiance and I have owned a home together for two years now we get mail and phone calls all the time that screw our names up). At first blush I’d prefer to be a Ms., but we’ll see what kind of reaction I get when someone calls me Mrs. I have a feeling it won’t bother me that much though.
April 28, 2010 6:57 am
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I think you just described my feelings perfectly. :)
April 28, 2010 7:02 am
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I agree, Liz. It’s not a big issue for me, being called Mrs. His Last Name. In fact, I am somewhat looking forward to it! The thing I mulled over was keeping my middle name and dropping my last name altogether or changing my last name to my middle name and dropping the middle. My initials spell a word and I kind of love it! But my married initials (if I kept my middle name) would also spell a not-so-awesome word. So I decided to drop my middle name altogether. Hyphenating is not an option because my maiden name and fiancé’s last name rhyme, so it just sounded dreadful.
April 28, 2010 7:18 am
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i just had a really fun time trying to imagine your rhyming last names.
April 28, 2010 7:21 am
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I feel like your situation is a math problem. You know, like, Sam has twice as many jelly beans as Mark, who has 7 fewer jelly beans than his sister Jane and blah blah blah. Now I’m trying to figure out your current First Middle Last word, what the new one would be, and how the two last names would rhyme! Oh the mystery!
April 28, 2010 3:45 pm
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yep Liz you’ve pretty much described my feeling on this too. I just don’t feel that weight on me about it. Sometimes I feel like a silly girl who doesn’t care about history, but then I’m like NO. I have enough to worry about, I do not have room for this kind of burden. On the other hand I totally get why other people do get riled up about it, the level playing field point is an excellent one that had never fully occurred to me before. Reading this post I had a moment of “damn it that really pisses me off now!” and I doubted my name change decision for a second. But then I realized that for me, this makes the most sense, and it’s ok.
I am in limbo right now, still legally MyFirst MyMiddle MyLast but planning to change my name after the honeymoon next month (passport/reservations issues), to MyFirst MyLast HisLast. At work and socially I changed my name immediately, the legal business will come later, and I can’t wait to get that over with because I’m with a commenter above who expressed frustration with this weird “what’s my name when I’m talking to you?” situation.
I chose to change my name for the family-unit reason. I adore my parents-in-law and admire their marriage; becoming Ms. HisLast makes me extremely happy. All his friends say “Hey it’s the HisLasts!” when we walk in a room and it makes me giddy. Although I think that’s just because it’s a reminder that we just got married, less than it’s joy about the name itself. I was NOT planning to ever go by Mrs. HisLast, but I’ve found fighting the Mrs. to be too exhausting, it just doesn’t bother me anymore. I understand the rage over it though! I do get annoyed that everyone assumes they can call me that.
I also want to +1 on Jennifer’s comment above, because I’m going by HisLast but I still prefer Ms.
April 28, 2010 8:45 am
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I’m Ms Hislastname and I don’t get annoyed about it when people call me Mrs Hislastname (unless I have specifically told them otherwise, which has happened, ugh) but I do correct them, “actually I’m a Ms.” Usually they ask why, which I like because it gives me the opportunity to point out to them how silly the Miss/Mrs thing is (especially when there’s no male equivalent). I like when it comes up, as lots of people have never given it a second thought in my experience.
April 28, 2010 11:48 am
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*applause*
April 28, 2010 9:34 am
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I agree with all of this! I didn’t for one second question whether or not I would change my name. For ME, changing my name to his was important, it joined us. I am not (and have never associated it with) being a “possession” of his. As said somewhere else in here, it will be a representation of who I will be once I’m married. I’m still me, but different. That’s OK with me.
I do love my last name, however, and we have talked about the different options. To us, they’re laughable, they are not the right choice for us. Our last names do not hyphenate well.
As a part of what I am doing to keep my last name with me always, I plan on having it tattooed somewhere on my body, small, beautiful, nothing flashy. It’s not an option for everyone but I’m sure it would be a great idea for others!!!
April 28, 2010 9:51 am
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I am not planning to marry, but for my own personal reasons I have my last name tattooed in a beautiful script on my wrist. I love the connection in gives me to my family, and it can result in some very interesting conversations.
April 28, 2010 10:16 pm
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This is the comment that has resonated the most with me because it’s exactly how I feel.
April 28, 2010 12:10 pm
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My cousin and her husband combined their last names and hyphenated them with his first – he is Chinese and has a very short last name, and she is Caucasian (primarily British) and has a longer last name. The wife of another cousin didn’t really hyphenate her last name with his, but tagged his on the end – with a space in between – and has a two-word last name.
I will be adding my fiance’s last name but keeping my maiden name as a middle name. Personal preference as well as professional considerations come into play – I don’t have a strong professional career going yet, but I am well-known in a more relaxed capacity and want to ensure people can find me if they need me. :)
April 28, 2010 6:31 am
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Hm. Been reading through all of the comments since I made my first one, and thought of something else.
In Canada (where I live), there isn’t a big process to taking your husband’s last name after you get married. Once we’re married, I’ll go into the bank with our marriage certificate (i.e., official proof that we are now married) and tell them that I’m assuming his name. I will do the same for my driver’s license and our utilities and so on – simply notify them that our household now consists of Mr & Mrs J lastname. (Our first names both start with the same letter, so the J could mean either one of us.) Should our marriage dissolve at some point in time (which it probably won’t, but you know) I will simply have to notify all of those same organizations that my last name is reverting. There is no need to let the government know (beyond my driver’s license and health care), and there are no name change forms that need to be filled out. The only reason name change forms would need to be filled out is if I were changing my legal given names (first and middle), or if we were creating a new last name (like my cousin and her husband did).
I guess because of the way it works in Canada, it just doesn’t feel like it’s as big a deal for me as it probably would if I were in the US. It’s a lot simpler here, and it doesn’t seem as permanent.
April 29, 2010 6:45 am
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1) I am one of two “young” people with our great/grandfather/father’s last name. If my brother doesn’t have kids, it feels like the end for them. And that matters to me.
2) My FH and my brother have the same first name, so it would be confusing and impractical for FH to take my last name, even though it’s what I’d really like.
3) Both our last names end in “son” which makes hyphenating a non-decision. Neither of us can swallow Herlastson-Hislastson, though if the names had worked together, we would both have loved this solution.
4) Partly because of who he is, and partly because he’s adopted, family connections are very important to my FH. He knows I’m not thrilled with the idea, but he’s admitted that he would feel rejected/unwanted on some level if I did not take his last name.
I still get upset about my choice, but in the end, I know my taking his last will mean a lot to my FH–partly because I have been open about my feelings and struggles with it. He knows I’m not doing it out of tradition or without thought, but that I am deliberately choosing to take his last name just as I am deliberately choosing to marry him.
We do get mail to Mr & Mrs Me Mylast. I secretly love those pieces of junk mail.
April 28, 2010 6:36 am
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Your first point is exactly why I want to keep my last name when I get married. My dad’s sisters changed their names and their kids have their husbands’ last name and his brother didn’t have any kids. So my immediate family are the only people with my dad’s father’s last name. I feel like if I don’t keep my last name and pass it on to at least one of my children, then that’s it for our last name! And call me crazy, but I really like it.
I also am against hyphenation/ridiculously long last names. I remember as a kid, anyone who had hyphenated last names (which was pretty uncommon then), usually ended up dropping the second one socially.
October 16, 2010 2:44 am
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I wrestled this for a while. My husband didn’t want to change his name (to mine*, to a hyphen, to a combo) because he had been named for his grandfather, and I was loathe to give up any of my names (surname or middle). But I wanted us to share a name.
So I tacked his name onto mine, and moved my family name to be a second middle name: First Middle Hers His.
Sure, there are some problems (it doesn’t all fit on my drivers license, and for the first 4 months, work thought I had a double last name), but it works for me – I can include my old last name when I want to or drop it as I see fit.
*Actually, I had no desire for him to take my name, because his first name is my dad’s first name – so if he took my name… that would be extremely bad.
April 28, 2010 6:37 am
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Oh, the driver’s license issues! A dear friend of mine took her husband’s last name (which is hyphenated) and the two of them basically spent an entire Saturday at the DMV getting her license changed because the clerk was first convinced she was trying to get away with having two middle names and that one was not allowed to have a hyphen in one’s last name. (Her actual words were: I physically can’t put a hyphen there. I’m not allowed to My friend: But the hyphen button is RIGHT THERE. How about I press it? No one will have to know!)
April 28, 2010 7:54 am
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This is sort of the problem that I am having now, before I’m even married — my mom kept her last name, and all of us kids have two middle names. So, pre-marriage, I already have four names: First Middle Moms Dads. So if I add his to the end, I will suddenly have five names, but if I drop one of my other names I feel like I am choosing between my parents. So then I figured I could drop BOTH, but it just seems to strange to go from having four names to having three. I suppose I could drop my middle name, but I like it.
And this is even before anything emotional comes into play! Needless to say, I’m in “wait and see” mode for now.
April 28, 2010 10:51 am
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I’m Chelsea’s Fiance, and I think what we just agreed to do is that I will add a middle name, and she will take my name as her new last name, just like her mom did. My mom did the same, but she ended up with her name, middle name, maiden name, ist husnad’s name, 2nd husband’s name, whew! For the record, I think if more men knew how mad the idea of taking their last name makes you, things would be different, I honestly had no idea.
April 28, 2010 12:56 pm
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Awwwwwwwwww……….. Hugh! Comment of the day!
This opened up some serious discussion in our house too, let me just say.
April 28, 2010 9:53 pm
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Thank you, Hugh!!
April 29, 2010 2:37 pm
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Chelsea, I commented quite a bit down the page, so I’m sure you haven’t seen it, but I started out with 4 names, too. And now I have 5; I just added my husband’s name to the end. I got a funny look at the DMV, but there were no issues with actually adding a 5th name. So that could be a possibility, too.
April 29, 2010 11:25 am
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Yeah you’re all good. . .So long as you don’t hyphenate!!!
May 3, 2010 3:47 pm
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I loved this post! I am pretty traditional I suppose in that I am really looking forward to taking my fiance’s last name, but…he is taking my last name as a second middle name. This really comes around to your “level playing field” comment, and quite frankly, if I’m filing tons of paperwork and legally changing my name, I’d like him to know exactly what that’s like. We do have a joke combined last name that we currently use, and our friends often talk about “going to the Bowquists”, but we ruled out actually changing our names to that.
Mostly I wanted to thank and applaud you for opening such an honest and open discussion on this topic. Brava.
April 28, 2010 6:40 am
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