Ok. I'm going to do this. After a huge number of increasingly frantic emails, I'm (we're) going to take on the topic of name changing. As long time readers know, this is a topic that has... not gone so well in the past. So, before we start, some ground rules: I'm really encouraging people to share their experiences and opinions on this, kindly. Please remember that just because I, or some other reader made different choices than you did, we're not telling you that you should do it our way. We're just saying, for better or for worse, that was our path. Also, no personal attacks. In one memorable comment last time we discussed this, someone accused me of hating my grandmother, since I didn't change my name, and she (rather obviously) did. So, let's steer clear of that, shall we? Thanks.
The specific question that I get asked over and over is this: how do you decide what choice to make when it comes to changing your name? An increasingly common corollary is this: my husband really really wants me to change my name, and it makes me cry when I think about changing it, and what should I do?
And for these questions, my response is simple and two fold: A) Talk about it with your partner. I mean really, really, really talk about it (especially if it's painful). And B) Don't. (I know! I just told you not to change your name! What the mother f*cking f*ck?) But this is what I really mean - you don't need to change your name now if you are not ready.
Within wedding circles, name changing is talked about as a very binary game: you either change your name or you don't, whether you change your name or not says something very specific about what kind of a woman you are, and you either change your name now or forever hold your peace.
This is all total nonsense.
To talk about this, I'm going to tell a small piece of my story. In one sense my story is a simple one, because I was never, not even for a milla-second, going to take David's name. It just wasn't on the table. But in another way, the story is very very complex.
First of all, I'm not sure David has strong feelings about my taking his name at all... but... I really wanted David to take my name. Really. And that was also not on the table, which was good for us in a way, because it was very even. He knew exactly why I wasn't going to take his name, because he was in the same situation as I was.
Second complicated facet: David and I both want a family name, and we want to share a name with our kids, and what do we do about that? Well, the bottom line is, we decided to wait. We'd discussed a million different ideas over our five years together (at one point David wanted us both to take the others name as a middle/pre-last name, and I pointed out then we'd be Meg His Hers and David Hers His, and then everyone would be like, "oh, are the His-Hers-Hers-His's coming tonight?" And "this is my friend Meg Hers His or is it Meg His Hers, and I can never remember, but anyway she's lovely." So we kind of ruled that one out early.*) But what has come closest to seeming do-able to us is hyphenation. Since I felt fairly strongly that the person in labor got to give the kid her name, and David felt pretty strongly that his kids were going to have his damn name... hyphenation has long seemed the default choice. So, we were considering hyphenating our names when we got married.
And then the wedding month came along. And we were really busy, and we were really stressed, and we had a million things to think about and we just couldn't devote the emotional time to the subject that we felt it required, so we finally just looked at each other and shrugged. And then we told everyone that neither of us was changing our names... yet. Since for us the name changing hinged so much on kids, we decided we were just going to wait till we were having kids, and then see how we actually felt in the moment, instead of how we hypothetically felt in the future.
And then, there is that other painful complicated thing I have to mention. The anger. I have been near blindsided by how angry I still feel over this choice. When mail comes addressed to me as Mrs. Meg His, I ask David to take the label off before I get home, so I don't have to see it. When someone addresses me as Mrs.** I literally get shaky with rage. And I didn't expect that response! What is that response? I mean, my mother is a first wave feminist, for gods sake, and she uses Mrs.! Why am I so so angry about it?
And then this weekend I figured it out on a real tangible level. We were having a long conversation with a lesbian couple who are good friends of ours, and the name change discussion came up. After we'd cycled through talking about all the different choices (combining names, hyphenating names, picking a new name, picking one persons name... etc, etc) they started talking about how they didn't really have any idea about what they were going to do about their kids names (or their names after they had kids, even) and they'd figure it out somehow. And then I fully, fully emotionally realized why I was getting shaky angry, I realized why readers were writing me, literally in tears and rage at the same time (readers who want to take there husbands name write me like this, the same way people who don't want to take their husbands name write me like this). It's because we're used to a level playing field, and on this we don't have one. It's not anyone's fault really, but thems the breaks.
When I tell people that I wanted David to take my name, they always, without fail, laugh like I'm making a hilarious joke. And I always just stare at them. Because I'm not joking. Not even a little bit. When David and I have conversations about how he wants his name to be last when we hyphenate, I feel like I don't have a even playing field. Not even a little bit. When I get mail addressed to Meg His and he never gets mail addressed to David Hers, it drives home the fact that the playing field is not level.
And so. And so. None of this means that you should keep your name. Or hyphenate your name. Not at all. But what it does mean is this:
If you are trying to figure out what to do, talk to your partner. I mean really really talk to him (in this example I'm using a male pronoun...). Try to figure out what you're feeling and try to articulate it in all its complexity. If he's not quite understanding it, ask him to put himself in your shoes, and see how that feels. And then talk some more. And cry if you want to.
Don't listen to outside voices. In most situations I say, listen to your family... and then decide. But on this one I think the voices that matter in this conversation are yours and your partners. It's your new family, and this is an emotionally core decision you are making about that baby family, and more than that about your NAME. In my opinion (and I may be wrong, but it is my rather firm personal opinion) your mother-in-law does not get a vote on this one.
Consider waiting if you need to. If you really can't figure out how you feel, wait. Seriously. Weddings are complicated times, you don't need a deadline on this decision on top of everything else. There is no reason to talk about your family name at the wedding, either way, so you can take the time that you need to think.
It's ok if your emotions are... whatever they are. Maybe you're angry, maybe you're excited, maybe you're zen, maybe you're something else. Maybe you're zen and then angry by turns (me), or excited and then sad (maybe Alyssa). NORMAL. I suspect that name changing has always been emotional for women, but we're one of the first generations that has so many legitimate options that becomes easy to talk about the confusion. So. Embrace that.
You have options. Lots and lots of options. They are varied, and they belong to you. You can pick amongst them. You can even change your mind amongst them. Remember that, on the bad days.
And breathe. Because you will figure it out one day... or you won't... and that will be fine too.
And now, Team Practical's words of wisdom. Go!
Update: read Part II here
*Though I think people who do this are ballsy and awesome
**When you don't take your husband's last name, you technically stay a Ms.
Categories: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife
Tags: Changing Your Name, Favorite Posts
This is very timely as I was thinking about this last night and FH and I discussed it for the first time last night. I’ve never not considered taking my husband’s name. But I was thinking about the origins of the name change coming from a switching of ownership and I kind of got myself worked up about it. Then I realized that while it might be where this whole thing came from, it’s not what it has meant to my mom (who took my dad’s name), or to my father, my FH or to me. It makes me giggle to think that I’m currently my Dad’s “property” and in 7 months I’ll an asset transferred over and become FH’s “property.” I guess the conclusion I came to is that it’s all personal; it’s about what it means for me and for my fiance.
It was interesting when I talked to my fiance about it after thinking this all out on my way home and he said, ‘You don’t have to take my name if you don’t want. I always thought it would be something I’d want, but now, it’s totally up to you.’ His main reasoning is that there’s only one male cousin in my family to carry on our family name while he’s got a million cousins and there’s no chance of the name disappearing.
I think I’d have different feelings about this if I didn’t love my family or FH’s family. Or if I didn’t have one of those WASPy last names that can easily drop the ‘s’ and be a first name. Or if FH didn’t have an awesome last name. But I still get a little sad when I sign my name as it is now. It’s a pretty good one and while I do want to be Mrs. MyFirst HisLast, I’m going to miss my name.
April 28, 2010 6:41 am
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This whole discussion makes me think of Phoebe changing her name to Princess Consuela Banana Hammock. heehee
Olivia, I love the idea of your husband taking your last name as his middle name. My fiance doesn’t have a middle name. **wheels spinning**
April 28, 2010 6:47 am
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The hardest for me was and is my husband’s disappointment. He always knew that I wasn’t going to change my name (I like it, and it connects me to an ethnic identity that would be made invisible if I took his last name), but he wished I would, and he did wonder aloud if it meant I wasn’t proud to be marrying him. Obviously, we’ve talked about it and talked about it, and he’s okay with it, but he would really be happier, I know, if I had taken his name.
It has never occurred to his parents that I wouldn’t take his/their name; they regularly address things to me as Mrs. My First His Last, and honestly, I can’t be bothered to correct them over it. As in, it literally doesn’t bother me, nor does it bother me when Christmas cards came from our various aunties addressed Mr. and Mrs. His First His Last. I know that’s not me, and it doesn’t really bother me that they don’t. (This is perhaps a reflection of just how distant I feel from them; if one of my *friends* addressed an envelope that way, I’d be making a phone call!)
I was happily surprised, though, by how pleased my very traditional father is that I’m keeping my name; I am the last of the My Last Names, and he’s rooting for me to that name to any future children, too.
April 28, 2010 6:52 am
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To Meg, and a couple of other readers, it will come as no surprise that I did change my name and am delighted to be known not only as Mrs Rachel Hislastname but also Mr and Mrs Hisfirstname HisLastname.
In reading this post though I think I know now why it makes me so happy. Being Mrs Hislastname represents me as who I am now: me, married. I have my first two names which I have always had but in leaving behind my maiden name I left behind the single person that I was before I stood up with my husband and declared in front of all our family and friends that he was my soulmate, my family, my most important. Still me, but different. Same with the name. That moment changed my life forever and I love that I have my new name to commemorate that.
Also, my identification and definition of who I am, of me, comes (in name form at least) from my first two names (Rachel Catherine). My maiden name has little to do with that as I also share that name with my two sisters (and my Mum & Dad, and paternal grandparents). It is my first two names that differentiate me from my sisters, not my maiden name. Just a thought.
{and of course, it goes without saying that this is my personal view/opinion and in no way a comment on or criticism of anyone else’s choices, be that the same or different from my own. (maybe that should be my blog header)}
April 28, 2010 6:53 am
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I totally understand what you’re saying here. Just to play devil’s advocate, what announces to the world that he is now him, married and is no longer the single person HE was before you two got together? It’s interesting to me that the woman has to make this distinction to the outside world, but the man doesn’t.
That said, I’m planning to take my fiance’s last name, but I’m not thrilled about it. He seemed really upset when I mentioned having reservations about it, and it seems to matter more to him than it does to me. I do wish he’d be a little more sensitive to my feelings about it, but I guess it’s something that some men just don’t understand never having been faced with such a decision.
April 28, 2010 8:39 am
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True, he still has exactly the same name. I guess there is no answer to that unless we had got a double barrelled name. But that would have been rather a mouthful (dahdahdah-dahdah).
mmm. My reasoning for me still stands though!
April 28, 2010 8:48 am
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rather than feeling imposed upon because i HAD to make that distinction to the world, i always feel a little sad that he doesn’t GET to make that verbally recognizable distinction of his newly-married-ness.
i remember someone being really excited for us, and calling him, “soon-to-be-mr.-hislastname” and then they laughed at their mistake- he was ALREADY mr. hislastname. but it sort of pointed out to me that he doesn’t get to have that fun of the newness and excitement.
April 28, 2010 9:18 am
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Have you talked to him? Said, I’m seriously asking you what it would feel like to take my last name. Can you tell me how that feels? And don’t let him off the hook with “that’s just not how it’s done.” Then say – that’s how I feel now.
It’s not that I think you shouldn’t take his name, maybe you should. It’s just that I, in a rather fiercely protective way, think that the sacrifice you are making – or if it’s not a sacrifice, simply the feelings you are going through – should be treated with the utmost care and respect… and gratitude, really.
We all make sacrifices for our relationships and families. I made some rather major non-name related ones. And it’s REALLY REALLY important that those sacrifices be recognized. If they are not, they can be this pain that we carry with us. If that makes sense.
April 28, 2010 9:59 pm
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That right there is it. My FH and I have been trying to tackle this problem to no avail yet and that is what I feel – that I may be willing to make the name sacrifice but he needs to understand how I feel about it and treat that sacrifice with respect. I feel like, right now, he is pushing for the default option of me taking his name and its less of a discussion than pushing.
What a crazy topic this is!
April 29, 2010 7:56 am
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situations like this make me sort of sad. i imagine it’s one of those areas where women have different standards and priorities, and can tolerate different things in their spouses (i can’t handle a temper, but whereas some women would be super frustrated with josh’s forgetfulness, it really doesn’t bother me.)
same goes for here- i don’t know that i would have married someone who wasn’t willing to have an open discussion about this stuff. i think meg is right- more talking is needed. he probably feels that your unwillingness to change your name is personally directed at him- a lack of love or commitment, etc. talk talk talk.
April 30, 2010 8:45 am
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Thank you, Meg. I love this topic. And it looks like so far it’s been a really intelligent conversation among a bunch of intelligent people.
I am definitely in the minority here, but I am taking my fiance’s last name. Well, I’m privately taking his name, and publicly using my own. I own my own business, and my LLC is my name, and my business identity is my name – I don’t want that to change. It’s too much of a hassle. But – legally – I am going to take his name.
I don’t feel like I’m losing my identity (unless someone calls me Mrs. his first name/last name – and then I fly into a blind rage) and I still would prefer to be called Ms. whether someone is using my name or his name. (Any suggestions for putting this out there so everyone knows – please don’t call me Mrs. him/his… please call me Ms.?)
I’m taking his name because – aside from my business – I don’t have a super strong emotional attachment to my last name, just because of some family stuff. I’m sort of ready for a fresh start. Also – I know, this is silly – but I love his last name. It’s very unusual.
My fiance never expected me to change my name. He has been very much… whatever you want. I think he’s happy I’ve decided to change my name, and we did briefly discuss hyphenating our names together, but it didn’t sound very good and like I said… I just don’t have that attachment to my name. I think I would keep my name if I had a very strong attachment to it. If I had my grandmother’s last name, for example – I would keep it. Because of my feelings toward her.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here. I think it’s whatever is right for you. It’s so interesting to read about the choices everyone makes, and why they make that choice.
April 28, 2010 6:54 am
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Ugh, Mrs Hisfirstname Hislastname reeeeeeally pees me off too. But I’ve never got it from anyone of our generation, so I have to forgive the offenders, they’re just doing what they were taught is technically correct. (Back in the dark ages, ha ha.)
I’m Ms Hislastname. It’s on all my post, all the cards in my purse etc. so people do notice it quite a lot, and they usually ask about it, so most people close to me know I’m a Ms. If anyone calls me Mrs I just say “actually I’m a Ms” with a little smile, the explain, if they ask, that my name change was my choice and it doesn’t make my marital status anyone’s business. The people who matter to you will find out one way or another soon enough, and the others will probably catch on in another 50 years or so ;)
April 28, 2010 11:55 am
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Meg, you’re absolutely right that the decision to change/not change your name is a deeply personal one. That said, oddly enough I think I realized I wasn’t going to change mine after I discussed the topic with a good friend.
Ya see, I never really thought I’d take my partner’s name. But then we started talking about kids and things got, er, Complicated. To be clear, I got no pressure from him (if he ever leaned one way or another, he kept it totally hidden, which was both awesome and slightly confounding at times). Yet I couldn’t stop worrying about all this family name business– what it meant to share a name with your children & partner, what it meant to be a mother, whether having different names could potentially confuse/alienate your kids (that last one isn’t something I actually believe, but nonetheless it floated, rather insidiously, across my mind).
But then I talked to a pal whose mother didn’t change her name. And this particular friend told me about how, as a little girl, she would boldly correct any person who referred to her mother as Mrs. Dadsname. You know, in that straightforward, confident way that young kids announce things: “That’s not what she’s called! It’s Ms. Momsname.”
I melted. Because (in addition to all the other reasons that I wanted to keep my name) this seemed indicative of something really important, something that I needed to hear: your kids will get it. They might even celebrate it in their proud, lovely, uncomplicated way. And so it was settled.
April 28, 2010 6:57 am
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ok, I love this! I think it reinforces what I was thinking earlier about how one piece of the name-change dialogue seems to be that we assume a level of discomfort/unfamiliarity/stupidity from those around us. and sure, there are plenty of examples to lead us that way… but making a choice because we worry people won’t be able to “figure out” the version we really prefer, I think is doing both ourselves & them a huge disservice… because the people who matter, even the little 7 year old ones, will get it.
April 28, 2010 7:08 am
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Exactly! My mom kept her name, and even as a young kid I knew that this was because my parents were both feminists, and because women are equal to men, and that it was an unusual thing to do but my parents had to do what they thought was right. It always made me very proud. As a result, I never for a minute worried about how my future kids would feel about their parents having different names.
April 28, 2010 9:34 am
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I have two friends who’s mother’s kept their names upon marriage, and all our lives they have been really proud of the fact that their mom’s had different last names. And both are very excited to keep their own last names when they get married (one was married last October, actually). Part of the excitement about the decision is about honoring their moms, which I think is neat when you consider that their last name is actually their dad’s, so they are honoring and admiring both parents in one action.
This comment is rambly, but these stories of smart men and women making thoughful decisions about something so complicated–it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy!
April 28, 2010 1:38 pm
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I’m going to second what one of the Liz’s said (“…i don’t feel the weight of ages of struggle for women’s rights whenever someone calls me mrs. i am happy to be connected to my husband in such a decided way. it says, yes… “i belong to someone,” but not in that anti-feminist, possessive sense. in the “we belong to each other sense.” …” and everything else she said.)
I changed my name, knowing that my own mother’s family and father’s family histories would continue to be very much a part of me, and we have a lot of sordid stories and hurts and triumphs wrapped up in both those names. I took my husband’s name knowing we’d be forging something new ourselves, and that we were responsible for ensuring the equality and trust and reliability of our own new family, regardless of what we call ourselves. And, I liked changing my name — reminding myself that my identity and character is fluid, and evolving, and hopefully growing deeper and more creative as I grow older. My new initials, e.g.g., are my favorite part. They feel like something I have to live up to, so much promise.
April 28, 2010 7:04 am
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I am SO frustrated that this is the only day at work this week that I have no time to read the comments, because this was such a struggle for me, and I hope it’s the worst issue we ever face in our relationship, because it was bad. Really bad. I wrote about it here: http://suburbaliciousliving.blogspot.com/2010/01/what-is-in-name-after-all.html
Thanks for bringing this up, Meg!
April 28, 2010 7:06 am
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Also, I’m sure there are some really wise women out there who could explain how they went about sharing their name choice with family/friends. We have friends who recently got married, and we’re positive that she did not take his last name. However, we have no idea whether they’ve hyphenated (we’ve received mail from them addressed as such), or each kept their own name (we’ve also received mail from them that way). I realize that they may still be deciding, but we want to respect their name choice, and still have no idea to whom we should address our own thank-yous :)
April 28, 2010 7:11 am
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On a totally different note– that’s the best idea I’ve ever heard for doing your thank-you notes ASAP–so that everyone (theoretically) knows how to address you!
April 28, 2010 8:15 am
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I think I’m going to discuss with my fiancée the possibility of putting our initial decision into our wedding programs, so that everyone can read ahead of time and know how to not risk offending us.
April 29, 2010 8:31 pm
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i changed my name. i did it last week, only a week after we got married. there were lots of reasons for me changing it so quickly, and i won’t go into that here. but i didn’t expect to have much of a reaction about it at all. but when we got out of the social security office? i cried. like big fat alligator tears. i ended up dropping my middle name, and using my maiden name as my middle name. and now i have a new last name, which wasn’t why i cried. i think that when i decided to change my name, i wasn’t thinking about the fact that my middle name (the name that i dropped) was my grandmother’s name. i was really, really close to her and we lost her to cancer this year, 2 weeks after our engagement.
so i also don’t think i realized how attached i was to my name. but i’m alright now, and i really do like my new name. and i just decided that if we decide to have children? they’ll just have my grandmother’s name. i have to remind myself that just because my name changed, the core of who i am hasn’t changed.
and i like being a mrs.
April 28, 2010 7:16 am
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This is such an interesting issue for me, as part of a generation whose parents might have made a non-convential choice themselves.
My mom kept her last name, as did her married sister, and when we asked her about it as children, she and my dad were quick to assure us that she didn’t change it because she didn’t want to. We were told, particularly by my father, about how my mom was one of 6 women in her class of over 50 chemical engineers, but still finished 2nd in the class, and that her decision not to change her name reflected her desire to be seen as a independent professional. I have always associated not changing the bride’s name with strong, intelligent women like my mother, and I am happy to follow in her footsteps in this.
My sister and I have my dad’s last name, which never worried us much – I would go so far as to say that I enjoyed correcting teachers who asked who it was signing my permission slips, or hanging up for telemarketers who were asking for the wrong person (I still do, because 30 years later, they’re still asking for a person who doesn’t exist).
When I get asked about changing my name, which I don’t intend to do, I just explain that it is too much of a hassle to renew my green card, and boy does that ever open up a different can of worms!! I have been a permanent resident of the US for almost 20 years, and I don’t intend to give up my citizenship to get married either!
April 28, 2010 7:17 am
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Having re-read my own comment, I feel should add that I am also supportive of women choosing to take their husband’s name. Is it is such a personal choice, and everyone should do what feels right to them. I just wanted to offer perspective as someone whose mother didn’t, for everyone who might be worried/interested about the having kids aspect of the decision.
April 28, 2010 7:29 am
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Man, I struggled with this one. Part of me really didn’t want to change my name (I’d had it for 29 years! Used it professionally for five!). I’m a feminist. This stuff drives me crazy. But part of me really wants to become a family unit and have the same last name as our hypothetical, someday children. My partner (wonderful man) told me early on he really did not care, that it was up to me. Maybe he would have cared more if I had said I wanted our kids to have a last name that wasn’t his, but I never really thought about hyphenating theirs, or changing both of our names.
Anyway, I decided to KEEP my own name (all three of them), and ADD his last name at the end. Did you know you can have four names? You can. The nice people at the social security office will help you figure out how to do it on the forms. For some reason, adding his name to my own made me feel like I wasn’t losing something, instead, like I was gaining something.
I introduce myself (usually) as Autumn Hers His. Some people hyphenate it, and that’s fine, even though it’s not how I do it.
I still get boiling mad when we receive mail addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. David His” (this is often, we live in the south). Where am I in that, anywhere? Friends who know it gets me riled up and like to tease me send me letters addressed to “Mrs. David His.” I’m trying not to take it so personally. But I think talking about it, and letting other people know it’s OK to talk about it, will move the conversation. And maybe my hypothetical daughter (or son!) will have an easier time of this.
April 28, 2010 7:19 am
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OMG! Autumn, I am so with you! While I am more than thrilled to take my fiance’s last name, I have such a violent and emotional reaction to “Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast”! We’re also in the South, and people do this all the time, and it makes me furious.
I’ll probably burn the first piece of mail that comes to me like that, or if I were feeling especially bitchy, mark it “return to sender” and put “This person doesn’t live at this address. The woman here has a first name of her own.” on the outside of the envelope.
Ok, probably not, but I will have a total bitch-fit standing out by the mailbox. Lol.
April 28, 2010 7:40 am
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Oh I definitely knew you could have 4 names! In fact, my wonderful parents named me with 2 middle names (as well as 1 of my brothers, but not the other (oldest) one, figure that one out, I certainly can’t). I don’t think adding another name is really in it for me, as then I’ll have 5 names. FIVE!
April 28, 2010 2:32 pm
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Just to share my story, my husband and I both hyphenated our names in order to have one family name. It goes his-hers because he didn’t want to interrupt the cadence of how his name fit together. He does get phone calls for Mr. His.
I wanted some solution where we both changed our names because I had changed my name twice already from my first marriage and divorce and I a)didn’t want to do that again by myself. By myself, I tell you, because of a wedding, which is about not being by yourself. I b) didn’t want to be an outsider in my own family once we started having kids. Plus, you know, c) the level playing field thing. Someone needs to level it and I knew, I just knew, that we could help.
We did exactly what Meg advises so I uphold her words. We had 5 different conversations that involved much cursing and crying and apologizing for crying as a way to explain that I was not trying to manipulate him with my tears because that would be a bad precedent for our marriage. Say that last bit all in rush to get the proper effect.
After our visit to Social Security, I bought him very expensive stationary. I wrote about the whole experience here: http://princessmax.blogspot.com/2009/10/one-great-month.html
April 28, 2010 7:20 am
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Meg, thank you so much for this post. You’ve managed to take this topic and make why the choice is so difficult really understandable. I’d like to share my story too, even if no one reads it.
I got married last July. And I never , ever thought about changing or keeping my name until we got engaged. And then all of a sudden, I really wanted to keep it. But I felt bad. So at first I thought I’d hyphenate it. But that still didn’t seem right to me. This was kind of hard because for each person in my life who supported my choice, there had to be 2 that didn’t. Even my partner didn’t understand at first. We had a converstaion with a friend about it, and at first he tried to defend it but in the end just said “yeah, it would be easier if she just changed it”.
And now, after all of it, he gets it. He get it and we feel good about it. I feel great about. I can not imagine changing my name. But I still think it’s so interesting how many people tried to change my mind, and the reasons they gave me. My dad (who has always supported me being very independent) gave me a lecture about how “some things you just have to do because G is the man”.
But I think the best part is that this descion has become part of me. It’s a choice that I made that maybe wasn’t popular and people didn’t understand, but I made it and I’m proud of it. We haven’t decided what the kids names will be but one day I will be able to tell them with confidence that sometimes you just do what’s right for you, even if people think you’re crazy.
April 28, 2010 7:21 am
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I read your story! Thanks for sharing. :)
April 28, 2010 1:51 pm
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I am looking forward to reading all the comments after work! My husband and I both changed our names. We are both legally MyLastName HisLastName with no hyphen. Somedays I wish we had hyphenated, b/c a lot of people alphabetize us by HisLastName. A hyphen makes it a little more clear that the names belong together. But, people often get this smug look on their face, roll their eyes, and say, “Oh, you hyphenated?!?!” (not sure why hyphenating is so awful to some people), and I can confidently say, “Nope.” I love that my husband was willing to change his name, too. He was really gung-ho about it, even got new business cards before I did. I love that we have a unique family name. I’ve found that when I calmly explain my name to people they accept it and use it. Junk mail, my bank, other random mail….it is often addressed to Mrs. HisLastName. However, one such junk mail company addresses mail to my husband as Mr. MyLastName, which I think is hilarious.
It’s so cool that these discussions are happening. When I was a kid, I didn’t even know it was possible NOT to take your husband’s name when you got married, and now I considered about 10 different possibilites with my husband before we figured out our plan.
April 28, 2010 7:22 am
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Even with the hyphenation, I’ve been to a few conferences/meetings (in only 6 months of marriage) in which my nametag or name on a registration list was alphabetized under hislastname rather than mylastname-hislastname. I was kind of baffled by that.
April 28, 2010 11:20 am
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Before deciding to get married, I always assumed I would keep my name–that’s what my own mother did. But in the end I decided to hyphenate my name, but we decided that my husband wouldn’t hyphenate his. We don’t want to inflict hyphenated names on kids, so they’ll just have his last name. And by my taking a hyphenated name, I still get to keep the name I’ve always had, but also have a name-connection to my husband and future kids.
It’s not ideal, though–it’s going to totally confuse people in Japan (where I do research), and hyphenated names are kind of clunky. But in the end it was the only solution I felt I was okay with.
April 28, 2010 7:24 am
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I am having a couple of issues about changing my name and would love some sane advice.
I’ve never loved my last name, and growing up I always assumed that I would jump at the chance to change it if I ever got married (I was one of those girls who doodled her name with the last name of the crush-of-the-moment, although I completely understand and respect those who want no part of changing their name). Conveniently, I love my fiance’s last name…but:
1) I am 37 – too old to go through the hassle of changing? How much hassle IS it, anyway?
2) This will be my first marriage but his second, and he already has two daughters and we won’t be having any kids together. Is it weird that it seems a litle presumptuous to me to have the same last name as my stepkids? Like I’m trying to “claim” them as my own?
3) His ex-wife still uses her married name, presumably so that she has the same last name as her kids, so I sort of feel like his name is “taken,” even though I know that’s silly. It makes me kind of sad to think about being Mrs. HisLastName #2.
Joining a “pre-existing” family has been tricky at times and downright terrifying at others, but I love them and am so excited for us to be a family unit of whatever sort (and the kids are too). Would changing my name help me feel like I have a real, official “place,” I wonder? Or should I just get some therapy instead. :)
April 28, 2010 7:26 am
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I think the question of divorce (generally taboo on wedding boards) is a real issue with the name questions. My mother was married before she met my father and was left with her previously-married name for years. It had become her professional identity, even if she wished she could shed her former husband. And it was a giant PITA on the paperwork front. She always railed that she’d only change her name again to go back to her maiden name. And, eventually, she did. And it was a giant PITA professionally. And it always struck me, as a child, that it was unfair that women get saddled with the weight of name issues. She was left with the divorce ramifications for far longer while she lugged around this dead-marriage name. And she had to explain her marriage choices and deal with the name politics all over again, 10 years later, when she finally got around to changing her name back to her maiden name (which was a HUGE paperwork issue that took over a year to sort out entirely) and not to my father’s name. People freaked out that they were getting divorced, felt justified sharing their opinions about the maiden name decisions, and she had to go through a formal board hearing at work to announce the legal name change (so she could keep contract signing authority). And, throughout it all, my Father – her still-husband – has been entirely supportive. Because he knows that a name doesn’t reflect the state of the marriage at all. Which is the part that made it all okay.
I’m not saying women shouldn’t consider changing their names. But I think the perspective on names and divorce has made it much more complicated.
April 28, 2010 7:39 am
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My mother had the same thing to say about name-changing. She’s changed twice, once for my dad (divorce) and once for my stepdad, who passed away. She told me that if she had it to do over again, she’d keep her maiden name.
April 28, 2010 7:50 am
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THIS.
Everything associated with my professional identity was tied up with my ex h’s last name: two diplomas, all of my awards, professional memberships, business cards, email addresses, professional contacts, articles I had published. Absolutely everything.
Just yesterday, I received a call from my alma mater asking about how I wanted my name to appear on two alumni decorative “tiles” that would be added to a pillar at the school as a result of years of donations. And then they proceeded to check the spelling on my … ex h’s last name. This happened yesterday.
As I sit in my office at work, my former H’s name is visible on 6 plaques and numerous other items throughout my office.
If you google me by my former married name, I pop up all over the place. If you google my actual name, the only hits you will get are for an out of work British actress who has nothing whatsoever to do with me.
When I decided to change my name at the time of divorce, I lost a big part of my adult identity. I’m glad to have my RealName back, but what a PITA.
April 28, 2010 9:44 am
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what does the hubs say?
how do the kids react to you?
i think whether or not the kids would like you to have their last name should play a role. they’re probably undergoing their own little transitions, themselves.
if you’re not anti hyphen, this might be a prime example of a GOOD time to hyphenate.
April 28, 2010 7:58 am
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The kids, thank goodness, are 150% behind the marriage and keep asking me if I will become “Mrs. TheirLastName.” And the fiance is fine with whatever I choose to do but says he would be “honored” if I took his name. So I guess I just have to DECIDE! I do think that divorce adds a whole new layer of complication, for women especially. I have to keep reminding myself that the ex is probably not keeping his name just to get on my nerves. :)
April 28, 2010 8:17 am
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And to reply better to your specific issues (and not just the divorce wrinkle, which I was relieved to just see addressed here).
1. 37 is not too late. It’s never too late for something that’s important to you. BUT the paperwork is a giant hassle, particularly if you are well-established in a career-type job. Depending on your professional context it could really matter (like I said, my mom had to go through a PUBLIC BOARD HEARING about her name change for contractual reasons. Blech.) You may consider a legal name change but keeping your professional name the same, depending on your career and if you decide to change.
2.It’s not presumptuous, since name changing is still the default norm (and default norms hold a lot of emotional weight and help smooth things considerably). But I think it does require a conversation with them to suss it out. And It may be better with a name-compromise like a hyphen or something similar, for the emotional impact only. Or the public/private combo could similarly couch-but-connect things. But, if they’re old enough, feel them out.
3. You’d have been the second HisLast anyhow, if his mother changed her name :). It’s a name, and if you choose to change it, over time (probably years down the road, based on what my girlfriends have told me) you’ll grow to inhabit the new name, regardless of the first wife, his mother, his children, or anything else.
Good luck.
April 28, 2010 8:12 am
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Thank you so much. I absolutely love this blog and the smart community of women behind it!
April 28, 2010 8:43 am
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I just want to note that I don’t think it’s always THAT much of a hassle to change your name. I mean, it’s a pain because it’s stuff to do that you otherwise wouldn’t have to do, but in my experience it was mostly not that bad once I figured out the order in which to proceed (for me, ss card, then work and driver’s license and passport, then banks, then bills/frequent flier numbers, then everything else as I come across it). There are websites that offer a service that helps you change it, but I didn’t use one and I didn’t think it was that hard to figure out on my own. The exception is work-related changes if you have a professional identity or professional license that requires hoops to jump through, such as those described by some others in the comments. Also, in many states it can be more difficult if you are doing something other than changing your last name to your husband’s last name (many states require a court order to change your middle name or hyphenate or other variations, so that requires a little more effort). The worst things are standing in the lines at the DMV and social security offices if those lines are bad in your city (and I wouldn’t have had to physically go to the DMV if I didn’t combine changing my name with exchanging a license from my prior state to one from my current state). Make sure you get a couple of certified copies of your marriage license to use for these name changes – 2 or 3 should be enough. Many people require an official certified copy with a raised seal (but some like the ss office, dmv and passport folks give it back to you), and others require just a photocopy of it.
The flip side is that when you change your name everyone assumes you got married (which in your case is correct!) so you get lots of congratulations over an extended period of time. Although the assumption bothers me philisophically, in each moment enjoyed the fun and warmth of it and it kind of counterbalanced the hassle for me. Also, I note that my first name is unique so I wasn’t really worried about people not knowing who I was when they got correspondence from me. I have a note about my new name/email in my work email signature and have additionally kept my old last name in there for several months (also waiting for my professional license to officially get changed, which wasn’t that hard to put in motion but takes a bunch of months to process and finalize). I’ll get rid of that sometime before my first anniversary.
April 28, 2010 9:34 am
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My mum and stepmum are both Mrs Mydadsname (although my mum is Mrs Mystepdadsname too sometimes) and I honestly never thought until I read this comment about them both using the same name, or my stepmum being Mrs Mydadsname #2. So long as you have different forenames(!), I don’t think anyone will think anything of it. Nor will anyone think you’re trying to “claim” your stepkids. You’re marrying their dad, (and becoming part of their family), if you want to take your new husbands name, you should go for it.
April 28, 2010 12:01 pm
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Carrie,
Me too! On the first-for-me, second-for-him marriage and the ex-wife who kept his name after the divorce because of their son. I also posted a comment looking for thoughts about the name question from this perspective.
Much has been written on “blending families”, but it’s usually about both partners bringing kids to the equation. I think it’s different when one of you is joining the pre-existing family without kids of your own. It sometimes leaves me feeling very marginalized. Thinking about taking my fiancé’s last name, I too felt like I would be horning in on a family unit that is bound by the name, if no longer by the marriage that passed it on. I’ve thought long and hard about whether taking that name would make me feel more “official”—officially part of my new family, and officially an equal partner in this household (because it can be a fine line between the ex-wife’s role in parenting decisions, and the ex-wife’s influence on how things operate in our household—these are, indeed, tricky boundaries to set and maintain).
After much deliberation (my fiancé is fine with my keeping my name or taking his), I decided what’s best for me is to keep my name. For me, that’s the decision that makes me feel more empowered as a partner going into this marriage. That’s just me! For the record—and here I’m going to respectfully disagree with two points made in other comments to your post (honestly, respectfully: the points are valid, but I simply feel differently)…
1) I made this decision without consulting my stepson. He’d be thrilled if I took his dad’s name, and I love that he would love that. But, to me, this isn’t a decision a child gets to have a say in. In my view, although children have a huge role in their family and their opinions certainly should be valued, the adults are responsible for the marriage, including the decisions it involves and the successes or failures of those decisions. The kid gets to help name the dog; he doesn’t get to name me.
2) To me, there is a huge difference between being the second Mrs. HisLastname after his mom, and being the second Mrs. HisLastname after someone he used to sleep with. Very, very different, in my view. I’m just saying so because I think it’s totally OK if it makes you sad to think about being second here. I just want to validate that particular emotion (and empathize).
Sorry to get so lengthy…I’m excited to find someone wrestling with similar stuff in similar circumstances. Best wishes!
April 29, 2010 2:19 pm
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BesideThePoint:
Thank you!! Where do you live – let’s go have a glass of wine! :)
I really appreciate your perspective. I mean, I appreciate all of the perspectives and advice here but sometimes feel like I am the only one on earth in this particular situation, which of course is not true. I do struggle with feeling marginalized and, frankly, with some jealousy of the ex-wife, and the name issue just brings all of those feelings to the surface. And I agree that the kids don’t need to have a say in this although of course I try to respect their feelings. It reminds me of what my mom told me recently when I was getting a bit obsessive about the best way to include the girls in our wedding ceremony – she very gently reminded me that while it will be lovely to have them play a part, I need to remember that this is my wedding, to my future husband, and that it’s okay for US to be the focus of OUR wedding.
April 30, 2010 6:56 am
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On the flip side, my parents got married when I was 10. He’s actually my step-dad, but I think of him as my dad. Haven’t had a relationship with my own father in goodness knows how many years. Regardless, my parents had two additional children. Just like I don’t think of my step father as a step father, I don’t think of them as my half-siblings. They are my brother and sister. However, I don’t share their last name. They all are Dadslastname and I never was. Even my much younger brother was confused. I always wished that we shared a last name because we were a family, regardless of the circumstances. I hated how everyone said he wasn’t my “real” dad, because to me, he was.
So, I’m changing my name to my fiances. For me, it was never an option I had to think about. I want to create our own little family, and for me at least, that means having a common name. I’m glad to be rid of my birth fathers surname and I feel honored to take the name of my fiance’s family, because they are such great people.
April 30, 2010 4:30 pm
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Indeed. I actually really worry when kids are called in to make their own vows at a wedding, or are given a ring. I think kids need to feel like they are part of the family, but as someone so eloquently put above, they should not be made to feel that they are part of the marriage. It’s not their choice or their responsibility. And part of the wedding and party is about celebrating your family, but part (the ceremony) is about this huge adult commitment that the TWO of you are making.
April 30, 2010 8:42 pm
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FROM THE KIDS POV
My mom and step-dad married when I was 14 yrs old. It was my step-dad’s third marriage, my mom’s second. They had been dating for many years, and they had started blending our families – holidays/weekends/etc- when I was 11 yrs old.
My step-dad had 3 biological children. Two sons who have his last name, from his first marriage, and a daughter from a woman he did not marry, that daughter has her mother’s last name. My biological brother and I have our father’s last name.
My mom took my father’s last name when she married in the 70′s, despite being a Super Fierce authentic feminist, and my father totally supporting/aligned with her world views. She (like many of the women here) felt no good associations with her maiden name, having complicated relationships with both her father and her step-father.
When my mom and my father slip up (when I was 7 yrs old), she kept his name in part because she didn’t feel much attachment to her maiden name, and in part to have the same name as her two children.
When she married my step-father many years later, she discussed with everyone as a family (but as an Inform, not for the kids to give input into the decision). She said she was ready to put her first marriage behind her, that was important to her. She also said she felt her biological kids were old enough now that her not having the same name as us would not be a big deal. Also, since between 5 children there were 3 different last names, having a same name as “the kids” was not really an option.
May 3, 2010 4:26 pm
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that should have been “split up” not “slip up”, being what my parents did when I was 7 :-P. And I wanted to say that when my mom and step-dad married, my mom gave his sons watches, and he gave her kids watches. To show that they were choosing us, but clearly distinct from marrying us! BTW each watch was completely different, chosen for each kids unique taste/style/age, etc.
May 3, 2010 5:19 pm
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Any chance you’re in New England? I could go for a glass of wine. :) It’s really so helpful to hear from someone in a similar situation–I’m a total outlier in my peer group on this one. For me, too, the name question emphasized my anxiety about figuring out where I fit in the scheme of things. It also made me anxious about *exactly why* I wanted my name one way or the other…because I want to be sure I’m not making a decision out of some sense of petulant retaliation (I guess probably nobody wants to feel that way) or getting caught up in wishing things were a way other than how they are (I don’t, of course, wish that. But sometimes there’s that niggling feeling that “if…”, this would more closely resemble the experiences of my trusted friends and would therefore be easier! Reading through the responses here, I’m reminded there are a slew of reasons this decision is tough and complicated in a range of situations.)
And, by the way, sage advice from your mom! Mine, too, has been a superb sounding board on that front. And! a nice shout out from Meg on the issue of differentiating the family-extending celebration versus the family-foundation that is built from the couples’ vows. Exactly. It’s helpful to have feedback on where those distinctions are, because it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it, so thanks!
May 1, 2010 5:52 pm
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NO, I am unfortunately not in New England, but YES! to everything else you said.
I really want to make this decision for the right reasons, and thanks for helping me think about what those reasons should be. And should you ever be in Atlanta, wine is on me!
May 3, 2010 10:29 am
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I’m cheating and writing my story here before I read all the comments, because damn, there are a lot of comments.
I have an awful, ten-letter-long, impossible-to-pronounce-or-spell, Germanic name. I always thought I would ditch it in a second. But when the time came, I realized that it was very much a part of me and I was not going to give that up, though I considered keeping it professionally and taking my husband’s name for married simplicity. (Mostly because having suffered through an awful name makes me want to make things easier on my future kids.)
However, my husband’s name is also awful. And hyphenated. And very much a part of him.
Neither of us wanted to lose that piece of our identities, but what about the kids? We just decided to wait and hope that we figure something out in the future.
But, because our names have always been something of a joke amongst our friends, so we decided to run with it at the wedding. My invitations were “Hello, our name is…” themed. We asked people to suggest names for us. We wanted to put it right out there and acknowledge that we’re in a funny position, and no matter what we decide to do, it’s not going to be traditional. And you know what? Most people got a good laugh, and had a lot of fun with it. But I still get cards from my Aunt addressed to Mrs. Liz His… and I still fume about those :)
April 28, 2010 7:27 am
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Haha, Liz, I just spilled my entire story a few comments down, but yeah, part of my decision was made easier by the “But your last name is AWFUL, even worse than my last name, which caused endless teasing” factor. It’s awesome that you and your fiance acknowledge that part of the decision, since I feel like I can’t really come right out and say to people, “But part of the reason I don’t want to take his last name is… I mean seriously, have you heard it?”
April 28, 2010 7:31 am
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I think your discussion of anger hit it on the head. I’ve always known I wasn’t changing my name. It was never up for discussion. And I have the full support of my maiden-named-but-married mother and the full knowledge that children know exactly who their mothers are, regardless of last name differences. But you’re right, it’s the inequality that’s hard to swallow. It’s the issues of how do I manage his more traditional families and their expectations. It’s all of the Mrs talk I’ve heard already… without any similar expectation on his part to “change” for us and this. I wouldn’t want him to, because I can’t fathom it for myself, but I really chafe against the broader expectations and the fact that there’s no good solution that makes us both feel good. None. But he always seems to get to feel *better* with the available options.
At the moment, we’re leaning towards taking each others’ names as our new middle names. We’re not sure, but it feels righter (if either of us can be bothered with the paperwork). Because this really is all about emotions, somehow. And I want to *feel* connected to my children and family with a similar name, but only if he feels connected to me by name as well. So the middle name feels right. We’re still us, we still hold onto our unique histories and labels, but we can share something too. It would bond us as a family in a more private personal way, and the world at large can go shove it anyhow. And I’m already in the process of reminding myself that it’s okay if my children have a different last name and that I never felt less connected to my mother because her name was different than mine.
April 28, 2010 7:27 am
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Out of the handful of options women have about names, the most common solution in the South is that woman makes her maiden name as her middle name. This is what all the women in family have done. Presumably, it’s so that her family’s name isn’t “lost”,and you could tell where she came from. I’m not doing this.
My first reason is that I don’t want to be associated with my dad’s family.
My second reason is that I have a double name, so dropping my “middle” name would mess things up. And my mom is VERY insistent that my name is Sarah Beth and not Sarah (to the point of loudly correcting me in front of people when I introduce myself as just Sarah. It irks me.)
The funny thing is that I only ever use my first and middle when there are other Sarah’s present. Even my fiance and his family, who I was introduced to as Sarah Beth, now just call me Sarah. Go figure.
April 28, 2010 7:28 am
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Growing up, I’d kind of always assumed that I’d take my husband’s name when I married (primarily because I have the kind of last name that gets you teased in grade school). But after I got I engaged, I suddenly found that I’d have these awful visceral reactions to the thought of changing my name. Out of all the things that blindsided me after the proposal, I think the abrupt strength of my emotions on this issue surprised me most and I’m glad that I’ve been lucky enough to be with a guy who is progressive enough to say, “Those emotions are important and we should listen to them.” (Though even as I write that, I realize how sad I am that a guy not being bothered by his wife not changing her name is termed “progressive” rather than “normal.”)
Like many of the other commenters, a big part of my decision not to change my name is the professional aspect. I’ve published under MyLastName and I’ll soon be in a graduate program, so I want to keep my academic identity consistent. Also, my parents were immigrants to this country who worked extremely hard to provide for my education, and so I feel very strongly about eventually being Dr. MyLastName in the academy as a way of honoring their sacrifice. (Ironically, when I mentioned this to my parents as one reason I’m not taking HisLastName, they were both like, “Meh, that’s nice, but not necessary.”)
Also, MyLastName is distinctly Chinese, whereas HisLastName is Korean, so I want to keep a marker of my ethnic heritage as part of my name as well. Thankfully, I don’t think we’ll get too much grief from his family because in both our cultures women don’t change their last names when they get married, or even if they change them legally, they are still known as Ms. HerLastName socially.
I’ve found (at least so far) that I’m okay with our kids having HisLastName only. Primarily because any way we do it, our kids are going to get made fun of, since HisLastName has just as much of a tease-factor as mine does, and hyphenating just increases the awful (so hyphenating was always off the table for me as an option anyway). We’re just going to see the unavoidable teasing as character-building opportunities for our kids, and if they feel strongly later in life about having a different last name than mine, they can always change it themselves.
April 28, 2010 7:28 am
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i’ve been following your blog for a while (love!) but this is the first time i’ve been moved to comment. interestingly enough, i haven’t seen anyone with the particular issue i’m having with this whole thing. i’ve known since i was a kid that i wouldn’t change my name, as i’m very emotionally attached to it and there are few last names that sound good with my long very scottish names. well, my fella’s actually does, but i’m still not changing it. i proposed that he take mine, but he’s very attached to his last name too. no real issue, except when the prospect of children comes up. it’s not even that i want a unified family in name (although, reading other comments, it is seeming more appealing), it’s that i desperately want my children to have *my* last name. so does he. we both have only sisters, and my dad is the only branch of his family to have come to canada. fella sees himself as the last way to perpetuate his family name, but so do i (who knows what my sisters will do, and i don’t want to count on them).
(as an aside, i have a long last name and we’re not into hyphenation.)
we joke about flipping a coin when the kid comes out for which last name it’ll get. it may be my anthro degree talking, but i’m very into the culture, history, and lineage my last name conveys, and it reminds me of all the family traditions we have and i want to make my hypothetical future children part of it (some day). as it stands, i guess we’re waiting to see what’ll happen when it comes down to it. anyone else out there dealing with something similar?
April 28, 2010 7:28 am
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I didn’t face the same issues but I think the idea of randomly choosing is actually valid. I’ve known families that gave the girls the mom’s name and the boys the dad’s name. You could also go every other.
A family name is not a requirement for a good, close family so if that’s not a high priority for you and you don’t want to give last names as first names then what you propose might actually work.
April 28, 2010 1:47 pm
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My girlfriend and I puzzled over this for a while, basically trying a bunch of variations of our last names mashed up. As lesbians, we’ve got some wide open cultural space to work with here; however, we’re also going to have a family and I want it to be casually clear that we’re both parents to a child (who also shares that same last name). If I was straight, I’d totally keep my last name, but that fact that my marriage won’t be legal most places we go makes traditional markers of family cohesiveness matter way, way more to me. Even if we just picked something out of the blue (which frankly, is a great option and underscores how it’s all a little arbitrary — if yes, incredibly culturally weighty and meaningful — to begin with), I’d want us BOTH to be “Ms. Squarepants” or “Ms. Cowbell” or “Ms. Tyrannosaurus Rex.”
I think that basically, all things being equal, I wanted the name change to be pain in the ass for *both* of us, lol. This meant that we were both going to be giving up or changing something (bring on the dual paperwork!), which I felt the traditional I-took-my-partner’s-name lacked. We’ve settled on each making our last names our middle names because we both like them and would like to individually retain them and then both taking her middle name, which is a family name sort of in the same Anglo-y sound-genre of our last names. So I’ll go from being Myfirst Mymiddle Mylast to Myfirst Mylast Hermiddle. I think that will work for us.
April 28, 2010 7:30 am
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I’m with you on this one. If I were marrying a man, I would keep my name, no question. But since I’m marrying a woman, having the same name has become extremely important, as a marker of *us*. But how/if that can be accomplished, I’m just not sure. She is attached to her name, I think almost more by default than by conscious thought. She was married previously, and she and her partner played around with hyphenating and using both last names (although they never changed them legally), and her mom at one point said something about it being silly – so she’s not feeling hyphenation. Plus, her last name is very latin-sounding, and mine is decidedly not – so they don’t “go” together anyway.
I would love to just pick and use a new name, and we even picked one out – but again, she’s attached to her name. Plus, I’m about to graduate from law school and so there’s a slight thought about my professional name changing (although because my job is corporate, I’m not too worried about that).
So – bottom line is, we’re still not sure. Hopefully we’ll figure it out in the next year and a half. :)
April 28, 2010 7:47 am
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I have some friends who used the first and last halfs of their mothers’ maiden names. It was pretty. And uniquely them.
April 28, 2010 7:52 am
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Ms. B, you say it well when you say we’ve got “wide open cultural space to work with” – one nice thing about wedding planning as a lesbian! I, too, have always felt that having the same last name is important as a lesbian couple. We are not planning on having children, and without children to unite us to the public as a family, the shared last name feels like a big deal. My last name is hyphenated (thanks, Mom and Dad), and her last name is one that she very thoughtfully chose many years ago, and is reluctant to change and unwilling to give up. We had finally agreed to bump the first half of my name and for us both to hyphenate the other half with her last name, but now my parents are separating and I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m erasing them from my name… ugh, it’s tough. Sometimes I wish it could be as easy as being seen as a family without a name change, or that there were clear roles for us to take.
April 28, 2010 1:52 pm
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This is interesting. And there is more to come on that wide open cultural space. We discussed that the very same night with the very same friends re: this blog, and it was fascinating.
April 28, 2010 10:04 pm
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“I, too, have always felt that having the same last name is important as a lesbian couple. We are not planning on having children, and without children to unite us to the public as a family, the shared last name feels like a big deal.”
exactly EXACTLY how I feel, I am in the same situation. It has been no-contest to me, I was going to take her name because (a) I dont have any particular attachment to my name, it’s rather plain (b) I wanted us to have the same last name, and (c) her Firstname Lastname sounds so good together I wouldn’t dream of asking her to change it because I love it the way it is.
She has said she doesn’t care either way, that she likes my last name but if I want to become a Herlastname, that would be fine. But I’m beginning to think she might like me with Mylastname more than she’s letting on, it’s kind of come up a couple different times, and not until I wrote the above “I wouldnt dream of asking her to change it…” is it finally hitting me that she might feel the same way about MY name…. hmm.
When I told her that I really want us to have the same last name, she (somewhat jokingly, and half asleep, I think) said “Oh, that’s just the straight person in you talking” which really rubbed me the wrong way, but I couldnt find the words to explain how I felt at the time so we just went to sleep. She IS the first woman I have ever been with, I am bisexual, but I didn’t realize until the next day that I was so offended because it exactly NOT my “straight side” talking. Were I marrying a man I would have second (and probably third and fourth..) thoughts about just changing my name, but as I am marrying a woman and people mistake us as just friends all the time as it is, I want this extra step to unite us as a couple. Only now as I’m reading these comments and typing this out am I figuring out how to exactly put this feeling into words… thanks guys for being here and making me think and (hopefully) not minding that I’m rambling through my own issues in this comment!! We’ve definitely got a lot to talk about tonight / in the coming year or so until we’re married…
April 30, 2010 5:54 am
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my wedding is a year away and already people are assuming. the whole idea had me in a panic. thanks for reminding me that i don’t have to decide right now. how do you always know what i need to hear?
April 28, 2010 7:31 am
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My wedding is 4 months away and my mother has been insisting she needs to know what name I will go by so that she can make labels for bubbles of all things. I refuse to be pressured into making an important decision for the sake of bubbles. They can be labeled with our first names. They can be unlabeled. I really don’t care. But they are clearly less important than the names issue and they need to stay in their proper place in the hierarchy.
April 28, 2010 10:25 am
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That’s moms, unfortunately. The things my mother have found phenomenally important were all trivial to me, but, at the root of it, maybe she’s just asking because she wants to know. Moms are funny like that.
April 28, 2010 1:09 pm
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Remember that is it’s own blessing. My mom was too ill to help with any small aspects of the wedding, and it was really really sad for me.
April 30, 2010 8:45 pm
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I’m going to join in the chorus of people who are thanking you for posting this. This is an issue I’m facing, and even though I have 100 days until we get married, it’s not making the decision any easier.
My FH is supportive of whichever decision I make, be it hyphenation, taking his name, or keeping mine, or even using mine professionally but taking his name outside of work (which I don’t know how complicated that would be), but he would be happy to have his wife share his name but would understand if I wanted to keep my name, and wants our kids to have his name as well. My inner voice is wanting to keep my family name because I’m going to be 39 when I get married, and my career is established by that name. And I like the name, plain and simple. :)
It was interesting, based on that thinking, to read the following article in the Globe and Mail:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/work/married-women-should-say-i-dont-to-changing-their-name-study-suggests/article1547482/
I’m not sure if this study applies only to those in a particular demographic, career level or whatever, but it did intrigue me and gave me more to think about.
April 28, 2010 7:36 am
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I kept waffling about this when I was engaged… I weighed pros and cons and they kept coming out even. I even thought about hyphenating for a minute before I realized it would be 15 characters long, and that was not going to fly. I even thought about us changing our name together, or combining our names, but none of the combinations sounded okay (they sounded damn stupid, actually). Finally, two days before we got married, I just picked one. Yes, I’ll take his name. It was pretty much a coin toss. I got the legal stuff (SS, driver’s license) out of the way the week after we got married. It’s been 6 months and I’m still not used to it. Sometimes I regret my decision. But I feel like I will grow into the name, and I’m not bitter or resentful or anything that I changed my name. My mother-in-law kept her maiden name when she got married, so she supported me in keeping my maiden name if I wanted to. My parents supported my choice either way. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I made a decision. I stuck to it. I guess I’m okay with it.
April 28, 2010 7:38 am
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Ok wow. Lots of comments. I figured I’d add my story too. When we first got engaged I wasnt really sure I wanted to take my fiance’s last name. Partially because I didnt like the way it sounded with my first & middle name. lol. Wow that sounds so lame. But the other part was the fact that I’ve been a “lastname” my entire life. Its part of my heritage, my identity– my roots for Christ’s sake. My sister and I are also the last of our blood line, so there will be no more “lastnames” in our family. So we had a 17 month engagement and I had plenty of time to think about it. Except I didnt really have much to think about. My husband (then fiance) actually brought up the topic one night asking if I was taking his last name. Well, my answer REALLLLLYYY upset him. He never thought he was going to get married. His past, his family– had basically proven to him that marriage doesnt work and that it isnt worth it. Until he met me. THen he WANTED to get married, he wanted a family, he wanted to try and make it work. There was no doubt in his mind that I would take his last name. That we would be a REAL family. So by me denying his last name, I was essentially not only desrepecting him but also his entire family. If I didnt want his last name, well then obviously I didnt want him. He even said he didnt want to marry me if I wasnt willing to take his last name. SO what did I do? I hyphenated. I still have my family name, but I also have his. Our children will have his last name. And now 9 months being married, I am finally wondering if I should just change my name to hislast only. Because it doesnt change who I am, just what I’m called. And I think I’m beginning to be ok with that.
The only problem with hyphenated names is different databases dont take hyphens, so some places you will be combined into one last name or choose which last to go by. Its a pain keeping all your records straight.
Whatever you decide, its an extremely personal issue, and you need to decide whats best for you.
April 28, 2010 7:44 am
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I have struggled with this decision for 11 months. I’m getting married May 29, after a year-long engagement and in that year I have run the whole of the name-change-emotional gauntlet. Last May, month one, I was in the camp of just assuming I would take the Mr.’s name. Ever since I was a kid I assumed this would be how it worked. I thought I was prepared for that. I thought, “hey, I don’t really like my last name all that much anyways” (it’s a name that is easily made fun of on the playground). And then, I *actually* started thinking about changing my name, and that brought me to tears with worry and self-doubt. Would I be the last of my family to have this name? Would I offend my fiance’s family? Am I less of a feminist if I take his name?
I came up with every possible combination of names (you know the list already) and nothing seemed to fit. Each time I thought I had figured it out, I would declare to my fiance, “decision made!” and then inevitably, I would feel regret.
I am now very close to the wedding and still struggling a little bit. I have decided to take my fiance’s name. Mostly because I want to share a family name with him. More than anyone else, he is my family, my emotional support. But that still doesn’t mean I know what to do. Now I’m stuck on my name as a second middle name, or dropping it? I really, truly have no idea what I want on that front. I worry that two middle names is logistically difficult. How do I fill out forms with “middle initial please” prompts?
If I have learned anything from this experience, it is this: being a feminist or not has nothing to do with your ultimate decision. Go back 20, 30, 40 years and how many women gave (or were able to give) the whole name-change at marriage idea a second thought? Today, what each women decides regarding her name isn’t the point, it’s the fact that *she* decided. One’s name is so important to a sense of self of who one is, and while I have struggled so much with the name change, that struggle has given me a great opportunity to reflect on who I really am. So often in life we run through each day, taking ourselves for granted. This decision gave me a chance to slow down and really take stock of who I am. Even though I am not keeping my name, the process of deciding gave me a new appreciation of my family, and a new awareness of what marriage IS. Without this struggle, I’m not so sure I would have become so consciously aware of my true feelings regarding my new, baby family that I am about to create.
This is an incredibly personal and difficult decision. For me the struggle has ultimately made me happier and more emotionally connected to my fiance. It’s not the decision everyone makes (because it it was it wouldn’t be a decision at all!), but it’s right for me. Own the struggle. It’s worth it.
April 28, 2010 7:45 am
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You’ve said so well a lot of what I’ve been thinking reading over these comments. There is a flipside to everything, and the added thought and grief and decision-making is something my grandmother didn’t have, because the choice was essentially made for her. I am lucky that even if I choose to do the “traditional” thing, it was my decision to make, for whatever reasons I deem worthy.
April 28, 2010 8:55 am
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I had always thought that I would keep my name. I’m 35 and have a law degree that I worked really hard for that has my maiden name on it. It was never a question and frankly I didn’t even talk about it much with my fiance until we were standing in the county clerk’s office to get our marriage license. That’s an awkward time to embark on that discussion, let me tell you. In the end, I hyphenated. I would have gladly lived out my life with two last names – mine and his, but the law required hyphenization. That’s ridiculous, as someone can change their name to Ochocinco, but can’t simply have two? Anyway, it was far more important to him than I would have imagined. I still intend to keep my maiden name at work and in most of our life, but when necessary, I can refer to myself by his last name. I have started to think of it as my secret identity. It makes me feel a bit like a Bond girl.
April 28, 2010 7:46 am
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I grew up in a very traditional household (stay-at-home supermom who I think secretly ran the world, full-time working dad who made sure we were financially taken care of) and it never occurred to me that one theoretically COULD keep one’s last name. I loved the idea of being a Mrs. someday because my mother made it look pretty amazing and powerful and fantastic. When I got to college and had my first interactions with a married woman who kept her maiden name and still had adorable, non-traumatized children (and had an easier time of it as an academic professional who had kept the same name she had in grad school) a light-bulb went off. I could keep my last name and the sky would not fall. Or I could take a husband’s name someday, but it wasn’t necessary. I finally realized I had options. I lean towards keeping my name, but if it became a sticking point or I decided to change, again, I have a spiffy role-model in that regard.
So both the feisty feminists who change their names to their partners–or pick some in-between options, as I’ve known women who did that–and the feisty feminists who keep their names, really expand the options for the next generation.
April 28, 2010 7:50 am
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It’s not an option. I’ve known since I was 13 that I would not be changing my name. That’s my choice. If/when we have kids later, I may reconsider, but for now I feel like I’ve spent 23 years becoming who I am today and that’s not changing just because I’m getting married.
Also, I won my argument with my now-fiance when I asked him, “Would you change your name?” to which he responded, “HELL NO!” Point and case.
I wouldn’t do the hypen thing either. Hyphenated, my full name would be TWENTY NINE letters. Uh uh.
April 28, 2010 7:52 am
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I always wanted my husband to take my name too. I come from a family of girls, all else of whom took their husbands name and now I’m the only one left with our family name.
(I’m also the same person that wrote in our ceremony “you can now kiss the groom”, so I don’t think people would have found it surprising.)
My mother-in-law’s (Karen B.) first name is the same as mine and my husband was freaked out that if I took his name he would then be “married to his mom” and so was perfectly happy with me keeping my name.
But yes, the kid thing is where it all changes and while we also have had discussions, we have not quite come up with an answer. He is not a fan of hyphenated names.
And I do feel a little sad that we don’t share a name, as I feel no shame in shouting from the rooftops that we are married and a unit and a joint-name easily expresses that.
But not sad enough to become the next “Mrs. Karen B.”
April 28, 2010 7:53 am
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Wow, the comments EXPLODED this morning! Great topic, and I think the most important thing for everyone is to *think* about it, and talk about it, and (eventually) make a decision that they own up to. Which is why I love and adore this blog like none other.
Me, I’ll be taking his last name. Eventually. I am also like other commenters- my first and middle names are fairly unique, and I most closely identify with those, not my last name. So while we’ve talked about it, it wasn’t a particularly difficult conversation.
Religion, on the other hand……
April 28, 2010 7:54 am
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I am changing my name, because that’s what I decided I want. There is the odd issue that I am getting my phd right before the wedding, and I’ll have had a paper or two submitted before then, so my maiden name will be on my degree, but I’ll also be starting a new job right after the wedding, so I can sort of start my career with a new name.
My fiance would do whatever I told him to do (on this issue…unfortunately not on others :/). I think his preference would be that we both change our last name to Batman.
April 28, 2010 7:57 am
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<3
"I now present you Mr. and Mrs. Batman"
Looooooove it!
April 28, 2010 8:41 am
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hahahaha! I love it so much!
April 28, 2010 2:43 pm
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Hahaha, we briefly tossed up taking a whole new name until my partner decided it was Batman or nothing and ‘Cat Batman’ just doesn’t roll off the tongue…
April 28, 2010 4:05 pm
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My boyfriend and I are pretty excited about the idea of creating a new name that we can share; he’s thinking of moving his current last name to his middle name, while I really don’t give two darns about staying “linked” to my father’s family. But, that said, he’s convinced that Kangaroo would be the perfect last name — it would keep my name alliterative and … well, that’s where I stop justifying it.
How do you begin to pick a new name, if it’s not a combination of your already-existing last names??
April 29, 2010 3:28 pm
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Re: how to choose a new name–
I saw someone else on here talk about friends where the couple each picked their favorite three letters from their names, then combined them to make a new one.
A friend of mine chose a name out of a book, largely because she liked the meaning.
I think that picking a meaning you like then finding a name that embodies that, would be a really cool thing to do.
Or if reverse-engineering is too difficult, maybe pick a bunch of names you like the sound of, then research their meanings?
Good Luck! ;D
August 17, 2010 5:16 pm
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Wow. So many comments. I’m afraid that, 3 and a half weeks out from the wedding, I can’t read them all.
I have an interesting situation.
1. I’m in the second year of my PhD. I’m about to start publishing. Whatever I start publishing under, I’m going to have to stick with.
2. I’ve never liked my surname. It’s difficult to make people understand on the phone, and it’s aesthetically meh.
3. I’m adopted. I don’t have a genetic connection to my name, or to those who’ve had it before. It’s not that they’re not family, but I’m not that emotionally involved with it.
4. I quite like his surname. It goes well with Alice. His name is Malcolm, and when we started going out at least 3 different groups of people started calling us Malice. (note: this is over 10 years ago, way before celeb name melding). If I take his last name, and you do his first initial (M), mine (A) and his surname (D), you get MAD, which is, frankly, awesome.
The long and the short. I’m changing my name, but I’m remaining a Ms. As an old boss of mine once said “I’m nobody’s Mrs.!”. Also, if everything goes to plan, I’ll be a Dr in a couple of years, and would lose the Mrs anyway. Decision made.
April 28, 2010 8:01 am
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on the publishing front, I had a former professor get married a few years after she started teaching (having already gotten her Ph.D. and published substantially under her maiden name) and what she decided to do is go from Sarah HerName to Sarah HerName HisName in professional documents, that way if anyone googled or did an author search for “Sarah HerName”, her more recent publications would still come up. I won’t have published *that* many articles under my current last name, but will have at least 1 or 2, so I’m leaning toward doing the same thing, professionally.
April 28, 2010 10:05 am
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This whole topic is so interesting to me. I grew up with divorced parents and a three last name household (my mom remarried but kept her last name, us kids had our Dad’s last name, and my step-dad had his last name). I went to an all-female, quite feminist college and generally all the woman in my family I would consider strong feminists.
That being said, I never quite knew what I’d do when/if I got married. My last name was my Dad’s – who I’m not very close to. But I also have one of those last names that somehow EVERYONE says with my first name (it flows well or something). I liked the idea of having one, shared family name after living with a three-family household. But the idea of losing my identity scared the bejeezus out of me.
When I finally talked to my future hubby about it I realized two things:
1) He really, really cared about it (so much so that after much discussion, I jokingly asked him what I’d get out of it if I agreed to change my name and he took a minute, then seriously said that when we buy our first house, I get to make the final decision on which house to buy! My eyes got really wide and I said, “wow, you really care about this!”). And since I was on the fence, I realized that this is what marriage is all about. If there’s something that I can do to make him happy, and it’s something I can roll with (and I realize this is ME – not all women can roll with this), then why not do it?
2) Most importantly, I realized that for me, a lot of this name-changing stuff was about fear. All of the reasons I didn’t want to do it were related to my fears. What would it MEAN to lose my name? What would people think of me? What would my feminist mother think of me? Who would I be? Would my diploma from Barnard be revoked? And I realized that I felt like making a slightly more difficult choice because I didn’t want fear to drive my decision. I wanted to see if I could still stay ME with a different last name.
I don’t know yet if I’ll succeed. I haven’t gotten married yet. I suspect the transition will be really difficult for me. But long story short, the positives outweighed the negatives and I made the decision that felt right for me.
April 28, 2010 8:10 am
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“And since I was on the fence, I realized that this is what marriage is all about. If there’s something that I can do to make him happy, and it’s something I can roll with (and I realize this is ME – not all women can roll with this), then why not do it? ”
Yep! This is me too. I love doing stuff that makes him happy, especially when I don’t have a strong opinion, because I know he’s thinking/doing the same back for me. Ahh marriage.
April 28, 2010 8:46 am
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This was me too, both parts. I realized my reasons for not wanting to change my name ultimately came down to what people would assume about my values if I did (but I’m a feminist guys! die hard!), and that still bothers me, but didn’t ultimately matter to me as much as changing my name mattered to my husband (for his own reasons). Not that what your name says to others about your values isn’t potentially an important and totally valid reason to guide your decision, just for me it ultimately didn’t trump other factors. Because I’m comfortable that people who I feel need to know will figure that out about me plenty of ways other than my name.
April 28, 2010 10:15 am
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Dear Meg,
I just want to say thank you so much for writing this blog post. I ended up calling up my whatever-you-call-them person I am marrying and 1) talking, 2) crying, 3) admitting that when his stepmom gave me a charm bracelet at christmas with my first two initials and HIS last initial on it that I was completely blindsided (hadn’t even started thinking about it) and hadn’t been particularly clear about what I wanted in subsequent discussions. And you know what? He actually wouldn’t mind taking my very-full-of-history last name, if that’s what I want. (which I have secretly wanted from childhood!)
But part of me also wants to make-up a whole new last name, somehow, with pieces of both of ours in it. So we will see. But either way, thank you so much for bringing up the subject, despite all the emotions, hair-pulling, etc, etc.
April 28, 2010 8:19 am
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My fiancé gave me an “engagement present” (other than the ring): It was a beautifully embossed leather Bible with “S. B. Hislastname” engraved on the cover. And he actually handed it to me (immediately) before popping the question.
Whenever I tell the story of how we got engaged, my über-feminist friends reel back and get this crazy-eyed look because it sounds so presumptuous. But in my case, we’d already discussed the name change thing, and he knew I was more than ready to dump my name and take my husband’s.
I think it’s important (although hard, sometimes) to remember that people probably aren’t being inconsiderate when they assume that a woman will take her husband’s name. The option of keeping your name has really only been on the table for about 50 years, while the assumption that you’ll change has been around, well….forever.
April 28, 2010 8:56 am
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i’m surprised when people DON’T discuss the name change before getting engaged/married.
it’s like not discussing if you want to have kids.
April 28, 2010 9:24 am
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Totally. I told my boyfriend on our second date that I would not be changing my name. And I’m pretty sure we talked about kids on our first date. As my beloved advice columnist Carolyn Hax says, if you can’t talk about Big Subject with a person before you’re engaged/married, how on earth do you think you’ll be able to talk about it afterwards?
April 28, 2010 9:54 am
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I love this, and the post opened a conversation up.
And I’m going to disagree with other commenters and say, I don’t think it’s ok to make that sort of assumption with a gift without asking. It may be well intentioned, but the mail I get that is not addressed to me, but what people think I should be called? That’s well intentioned too, but it doesn’t make it not hurtful.
April 28, 2010 10:08 pm
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I completely agree with you, Meg. When I first read this post (a friend sent me the link; I hadn’t found your blog before), I sent it to my husband, and he asked me if I had somehow started sleep-blogging — it was like you were inside my head. We also got married in August 2009, and we went through the same conversations you and David did. Part of me wanted him to take my name, but I could never ask him to because I would never want him to ask me to take his…and vice versa. For many years, I had always said that the answer to the age-old name question should be that both parties take the name of whichever half of the couple has the “cooler” last name. If there’s not an obvious winner (like “Hisname Smith” versus “Hername Infinity”), then the couple should put it to a vote among their closest friends. And I slept easy, knowing that I had one of the coolest last names of all time. But then I had to go and marry someone with an equally cool last name, and all my plans were shot to hell. Before the wedding, we, too, settled, albeit uneasily, on both of us hyphenating. And we, too, still haven’t quite gotten around to actually changing anything.
But the point I set out to make in commenting has to do with the anger — I, too, shocked myself with how incredibly angry I became when the mail started arriving. Like, wanting-to-tear-it-into-little-pieces-and-then-set-the-pieces-on-fire angry. I had expected mail to Mrs. Natalie Hisname from my traditional Southern relatives, but it came from all quarters. (And yes, sometimes I don’t even get a first name. I have a whole different, much more frightening, level of anger for the people who f*cking rob me of a first name.) And my gut feeling is, it is so very not okay to assume. I notified the world that I was getting married — I said nothing about changing a fundamental piece of my identity. Why on earth is it logical to conclude that I up and decided to have a last-name-ectomy with simultaneous reconstructive surgery? Altering one’s name is a huge, huge deal. It takes a lot of time and effort. If I had done something like that, and you and I are even remotely close, wouldn’t I have told you?
I’m willing, through clenched teeth, to give my gaggle of Southern aunts a pass. I can’t deny that it still makes me angry, but at least I’m not surprised. But it’s the ones who should know better — peers; friends; thoughtful, progressive-minded individuals; people who have spent any amount of time with me; people who know anything about my personality, my identity, my beliefs — those are the ones that really hurt. Because when they sit down and address those envelopes, it doesn’t matter what they put inside them — the message they are sending me is that either they don’t know who I am, or they don’t care. To me, that is practically the definition of inconsiderate. It’s so easy to just ask! Many people have done so.
Thanks so much for providing this forum for people to rant, sort out their thoughts, share their experiences, realize they’re not alone, etc. I wish I had known about it while I was planning my wedding!
May 6, 2010 2:27 pm
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Ah, thank you for this post. I have known for a long time I was going to change my name, but I guess I still feel a little uneasy about it. Like I should want to keep my name more than I do. Being an established writer I hesitated to change my name, but I have this strange problem when people pronounce my full name they mishear my first name. And I’m not even kidding, it happens EVERY day. I also want our future kids and us to all have the same last name (we decided hyphenation was too complicated), so I’m going to change mine. But I feel good about it because my partner didn’t give me one ounce of pressure about it, it was 100% my choice, and I’m kind of stoked about my new name. I also know women who have one legal name, but use their maiden names whenever they feel like it, and I could do that, too. My future brother- and sister-in-law actually combined their last names into a new last name, which is super fair, but then both family names are sort of lost. I say do what feels best in your heart. If your partner is insistent you change your name, something that big, that seems like a red flag to me.
April 28, 2010 8:20 am
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I sort of joke with my boyfriend that I’ll take a mash-up of our names…it would sound like Rocketbombco…which just sends me into laughter every time I suggest it. Though, reading this, I’m not sure that I seriously thought about what I would do. Thanks for the eye opener!
April 28, 2010 8:22 am
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Mine would sound like “Gumshoe”!! :D
April 29, 2010 7:55 am
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My fiance doesn’t care, and I’m lucky in that way. My job (which involves a byline) so revolves around my name that it’s hard to imagine changing it; it’s like my entire history will be erased. I will, however, be taking my fiance’s last name simply because I like it better. It’s a cool name. If it were a crappy name, I wouldn’t do it. For professional reasons, I will continue to use my current name, with my new name tacked on at the end. That way the google machine will still work when prospective employers look me up.
But I, like you Meg, wish America were open to the idea of us taking both of our names. My Puerto Rican great-grandfather’s name was Manuel Monserrate y Soto…the Monserrate from his father and the Soto from his mother. I think that’s super nice.
A high school friend of mine had a blended last name; her parents created a new name for the family and it seemed to work just fine.
April 28, 2010 8:30 am
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I don’t have time to read all of the comments but I was also torn so here’s what I did:
My sisters and I are the last ones in our family with our last name so I wanted to preserve it (even though it’s a fairly common Scottish name.) I felt pretty strongly about this until I realized that my mom’s maiden name also went away with her generation. I couldn’t “save” all the names so what made one more special than the other?
Also, his last name is much more common and I didn’t love it. Not to mention, he has a poor to nonexistant relationship with his biological father so I didn’t really want to take the name of a man I didn’t admire. I suggested taking his stepfather’s name who we both love very much. Unfortunately, his name is very tied up in his career and would have been very difficult to change and probably detrimental to his recognition. So that was out.
I’ve never felt all that connected to my middle name so I decided I would change it to “First MaternalFamilyName MaidenName HisLast” and have two middle names. I really came to like this idea (the names flowed very nicely) but then it got difficult. They would let me move my maiden name to my middle but it would take a court order to change my current middle to a family name, even if it was on my mom’s birth certificate. I didn’t know what to do so I did nothing for 6 months.
Finally I decided it wasn’t worth it. I am now First Maiden HisLast and it’s really growing on me. I never used my middle name before but now I do all the time. I love it.
That just leaves future children. They will have his (now our) last name but I’m claiming rights to their middle names which will come from my side of the family. It’s a compromise that works well for us.
(He later admitted that it would have been very hard for him if I had decided against taking his name but he very wisely didn’t say that until I had already made the decision for myself. :-)
April 28, 2010 8:34 am
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I’ve been thinking about this all my life. My parents never even gave me or my sisters a middle name, because in the South it was assumed that we would drop either our first or middle name someday when we got married, anyway (my brother has a middle name). This always seemed like a supremely unfair assumption to me, so I set out to be stubborn about keeping my name from the beginning!
By the time I got married last fall, I felt less adamant than I did ten years ago, but I still kept my name without much debate. My husband didn’t feel strongly about it, and he isn’t very close to his father or his father’s family, so I didn’t see any reason to assume that name as my own. I realized that I do very strongly identify with my family name, and I have no desire to comb through my life and remove that name from everything that identifies me. I’m not sure why it surprises me so much, considering that a name change was assumed for me from birth, but I am still completely taken aback every time someone asks me what my new name is without asking first if I have changed my name. I thought keeping your name had become more accepted.
I am sad about a couple things. First, I will probably never have a middle name. And, I really, really wish we had a family name so that people could call us The LastNames. I love feeling that we are a family unit now–I wish there were a less fraught way to identify that way, but I’m not willing to give up my own identity to make that happen. I’m not sure what we will do when we have children–they will probably take my husband’s last name, but it hasn’t fully been decided. For sure, though, they will all get middle names!
April 28, 2010 8:36 am
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In the South? No. People still assume you will change your name, regardless of how forward-thinking they may be in other areas. Because, really, to most people around here, “that’s just what you do”.
Sort of sad, isn’t it? But also predictable– an inordinate amount of people are still waving Confederate flags around, 150 years later. Things change slower ’round here, y’all. I love my manners and sweet tea and southern accent, but sometimes… well. It really is cultural. I’m sure that in, say, a Spanish culture, people would be shocked if the mother’s name WASN’T passed on to her daughters, at the least, and usually her sons too. Changes shock people. In this case, it’s probably a good thing. Shock them!
April 29, 2010 6:15 pm
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as a sidenote- i’m surprised by how many are writing that they want their husband to experience the same “hassle” of name-change.
i think my husband has called the social security office more times than i have (theyre being a pain in the ass about things, of course- it’s been 3 months since i sent in my paperwork). he’s experiencing the hassle as much as i am.
(and that leads to ANOTHER sidenote- i relegate confrontational phone calls to him because of an annoying track record of people respecting a male voice on the phone more than a female… another post for another time?)
April 28, 2010 8:38 am
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“relegate” should obviously be “delegate”…
April 28, 2010 8:40 am
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I’m not sure what I have to add after so many comments, but this is also something we’re going through now. For very personal reasons, taking my fiance’s name hasn’t ever been an option. Luckily, he not only understands this, but agrees with it. We decided that we’re just going to make up a name. We’ve had very fun nights looking up the meaning of certain last names to decide what fits us best. We are proud to inherit the features and personalities of our parents and honor them with our actions. We think these are the important things to pass down in telling what family you came from, not a name.
April 28, 2010 8:42 am
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I settled this by deciding I wasn’t going to “change” my name. The word “change” just seemed so weird to me. I wasn’t changing who I was fundamentally so why would I change my name?
What I was doing was adding to who I am. I was taking the person I’d developed over the course of my life time and who I’d come from through my family and adding wife/lover/my own family to it. So rather than “change” my name, I decided I would add to my name. And as I was adding my husband to who I am, I added his name to mine. And I don’t really care that he didn’t add my name to his because that’s his choice and not mine just like my name was my choice and not his.
I added, not changed.
BUT, I already had three names, so most people figure I dropped one or did some other weird thing. No. I have four names now. And it drives me bonkers that I can’t list two middle initials on forms. Or that the state decided that they’d give me two last names instead of two middle names when I went to update my driver’s license (I moved my previous last name to the middle so the husband and I could be alphabetized together, and then the state screwed it up and said it didn’t matter when I pointed it out. grrr!!). Or that the doctor’s office has decided that my first name is now a slurring of my first and middle. Four names is not that uncommon, so why can’t forms recognize that fact!?!
April 28, 2010 8:48 am
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“I added, not changed” I love this. I think I am going to start using this phrase as well! Although I am a bit dismayed about the form issues. I would have thought 4 names was more normal now.
April 28, 2010 3:52 pm
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Love this.
April 28, 2010 10:10 pm
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BINGO!
“name added, not changed”
I am one of the frantic people that emailed Meg asking for Help with this topic. I’ve read and contemplated all the discussion so far and while it’s all been helpful, this is the ticket (for me).
Adding not changing – feels good and I love it.
THANK YOU all for this fantastic, intelligent debate.
April 29, 2010 3:48 pm
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I love this too!
I’ll be a four-namer soon too, we’ll see how that pans out logistically.
May 1, 2010 11:29 pm
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My name change decision was easy. You see, when I was 14, my mother remarried for the second time. Before this, I was Erin A, and my mother and sister were Cindy and Erika B. We all wanted to become the C Family, so that we would all have the same last name. Unfortunately, at the last second I realized how important having my father’s name was to me, and I became Erin A C (no hyphen). This led to years of confusion whenever anyone had to put me into a filing system, and we STILL weren’t the C Family. I felt like an outsider.
So when I thought about marriage, what I most wanted was a clean slate. I briefly thought about keeping my father’s name as mt middle name, but I didn’t want to keep both last names and didn’t want to offend anyone. I am now proudly Erin D, and I will be able to pass that along, without confusion, to our children. It might not be the choice that everyone makes, and I still feel a bit of a pang when I think of lonely name A, but I know that I made the right choice in visibly and legally creating a new family, with a new (to me!) name, with my husband.
April 28, 2010 8:50 am
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Phew! So many good comments, such a good and important discussion. To echo lots o’ readers:
1) I grew up with a different last name than my mom and step-dad and hated it. He was a really intense man who would rage if someone addressed him by my (and my bio Dad’s) last name. Awkward City.
2) I’m a Ph.D student so the publishing thing comes into play.
3) I don’t really like my last name and his is way awesomer.
and yet…
1) I don’t think I want kids, so non-issue
2) When I think about this one I realize I’m not giving people enough credit. If it’s on your CV, they know it’s you.
3) But it’s mine! I don’t like my Texas-sized ass all the time either, but it’s mine. And in certian jeans it is rockin’!
So, I like the do nothing and wait approach. Why do I need to decide this now? And I also like telling people I’m not changing it now and seeing their expressions go from confused to more confused. Sigh…it’s the little things.
Meg, if you weren’t already married I’d try to marry you. :)
April 28, 2010 8:51 am
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3) But it’s mine! I don’t like my Texas-sized ass all the time either, but it’s mine. And in certian jeans it is rockin’!
I love this. :)
April 28, 2010 2:15 pm
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It’s funny, I didn’t really have a strong feeling about this. My mom kept her last name, and their plan was that girls would have her last name, boys would have his. That was scrapped at the last second (good for dad, since they had two girls!) so we have his last name. But it’s nothing really special, I actually like my mom’s last name better. So when we got engaged, I knew my parents wouldn’t care, and I asked my fiance if his parents cared. They didn’t, but he mentioned that he’d like me to take his – he’s much more traditional than I knew, and I’m realizing that as wedding planning progresses! So I’m taking his, because it’s easy. And yes, it’s a cop-out.
But my favorite was how two friends of mine were getting married, and each secretly picked their favorite three letters in their respective last names. He picked U, R, and N, she picked A, L, and N. So they combined them – into Urlan. Evidently barely anyone has this last name, so they like how unique it is. Their parents had conniptions, but whatever, right? It’s *their* last name.
April 28, 2010 8:51 am
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Ooh! I need help on this, on the practical side of it actually. I decided long ago to take his name but logistically I am having issues deciding WHEN to do it. Here’s why: Our wedding is May 30. He is British, I’m American and I’m going to be applying for my UK settlement visa shortly after the wedding, and feel I should have my name changed first. We are going to St. Thomas the week after the wedding so my maiden name is on my plane tickets and passport. But I have to go to London for an important conference the first weekend in July and I’m not sure what name to put on that plane ticket. Will my name be changed already? Will I have to get an expedited new passport? Argh! Also, I am graduating with my Masters in 2 weeks and trying to get published. So what name should I publish under? I know it sounds simpler to just keep my maiden name but I’ve never been particularly fond of it and my brother and married sister still have it, so good enough for me. I didn’t have time to read all of the comments but if anyone has any advice on the process of name-changing I’d appreciate it. I’ve looked into one of those name-changing kits and I’m curious – are they really worth it? Best of luck to everyone on whatever they decide to do!
~natalya
April 28, 2010 8:55 am
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Oh gross. As part of an international couple, I definitely feel your pain.
If I were you, I’d take it one step at a time — go to St. Thomas as you are now (have fun!), and then put in the paperwork for your name change. If you can wait to do the UK settlement paperwork after your conference in July (and book the tickets with your name as it is now), I’d do that. From my experience dealing with immigration forms, it’s best to have things as simple as possible, so I’d hold off on that until after your name is officially changed and then apply for everything.
If you wish to publish under your changed name and also use your changed name at the conference, I say go right ahead.
That being said, I haven’t been through the process yet — maybe someone else here can advise on the length of time necessary in their particular experience.
April 28, 2010 9:28 am
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I also wondered about timing re: honeymoon & international travel, because we are going to Australia (from the US) for our honeymoon about 3 months after the wedding. The tickets are already booked, and both they & my passport are in my maiden name, but I am planning to change (or, as previous commenters have said, and I love, “add to”) my name. We asked the airline agent about it and he said we could bring a copy of the marriage certificate to the airport (if my forms of ID are in my new name by then). It is worth double checking with whatever airline/airport/country/immigration office you’ll be dealing with, but I would lean towards booking things under your current name in case paperwork can’t get done on time, but then go ahead and apply for changes as soon as you want.
April 28, 2010 10:18 am
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Julianna and Kim – thanks for the suggestions and good luck to you as well!
April 30, 2010 7:36 am
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Take the trips as you are, but put your married name on your thesis.
Why? The trips will end. It’s an experience and then it’s over. If you meet anyone interesting and you exchange names or even calling cards, just explain the situation: people will understand.
But the thesis will be a published (albeit limitedly) document with your name on it that will start your career or further study in your field. It will be around for as long as your professional and academic life and beyond. A lot of women complain about how hard it is professionally to change their names – so it’s best to keep as much professional stuff as possible (esp. published stuff: a few people you meet at a conference and network with is something that can be dealt with more easily) in the name you’ll be using in the future.
May 1, 2010 12:38 am
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The discussion thus far has been pretty awesome, so I probably don’t even need to add this, but here goes:
I made my decision (take his name) and I stand by it, but it’s still weird sometimes. I still even question whether I should have kept my last name as my middle name, or hyphenated, or whatever, but it was important to him that I take his name, and he doesn’t usually have strong opinions about this kind of stuff. And it’s not like he sprang it on me after he proposed. It was something he mentioned several times as our relationship got stronger, so I had time to consider it.
After I went and did all the paperwork, almost all the guys at work (I work in a male-dominated field) who had anything to say about it were pretty cynical, saying that I was going to regret that when my second marriage came around (wow, because, I suppose, in this day and age I should plan for at least one divorce. wow). I also got a few raised eyebrows from women that someone as independent as myself would subscribe to such an antiquated tradition.
But trust me, it’s not a slippery slope from taking his name to doing his bidding. And if you want to keep your last name, for whatever reason, you’re not hedging your bets on the relationship (yes, I actually got that one too).
April 28, 2010 8:57 am
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I’m with you – I took his last name. I kept mine as a middle name because I’m the end of the line for it – no sons in my family, no cousins with the same last name. I love my maiden name but don’t feel that it ever defined me, and I wanted to take his name because it makes me feel new – like it is a new identity we are both taking on, our own new identity as a family unit. He didn’t have to change his name for me to feel that way, but that’s just me. . . I can see how it’d be different for other people.
April 29, 2010 1:58 pm
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