Ok. I'm going to do this. After a huge number of increasingly frantic emails, I'm (we're) going to take on the topic of name changing. As long time readers know, this is a topic that has... not gone so well in the past. So, before we start, some ground rules: I'm really encouraging people to share their experiences and opinions on this, kindly. Please remember that just because I, or some other reader made different choices than you did, we're not telling you that you should do it our way. We're just saying, for better or for worse, that was our path. Also, no personal attacks. In one memorable comment last time we discussed this, someone accused me of hating my grandmother, since I didn't change my name, and she (rather obviously) did. So, let's steer clear of that, shall we? Thanks.
The specific question that I get asked over and over is this: how do you decide what choice to make when it comes to changing your name? An increasingly common corollary is this: my husband really really wants me to change my name, and it makes me cry when I think about changing it, and what should I do?
And for these questions, my response is simple and two fold: A) Talk about it with your partner. I mean really, really, really talk about it (especially if it's painful). And B) Don't. (I know! I just told you not to change your name! What the mother f*cking f*ck?) But this is what I really mean - you don't need to change your name now if you are not ready.
Within wedding circles, name changing is talked about as a very binary game: you either change your name or you don't, whether you change your name or not says something very specific about what kind of a woman you are, and you either change your name now or forever hold your peace.
This is all total nonsense.
To talk about this, I'm going to tell a small piece of my story. In one sense my story is a simple one, because I was never, not even for a milla-second, going to take David's name. It just wasn't on the table. But in another way, the story is very very complex.
First of all, I'm not sure David has strong feelings about my taking his name at all... but... I really wanted David to take my name. Really. And that was also not on the table, which was good for us in a way, because it was very even. He knew exactly why I wasn't going to take his name, because he was in the same situation as I was.
Second complicated facet: David and I both want a family name, and we want to share a name with our kids, and what do we do about that? Well, the bottom line is, we decided to wait. We'd discussed a million different ideas over our five years together (at one point David wanted us both to take the others name as a middle/pre-last name, and I pointed out then we'd be Meg His Hers and David Hers His, and then everyone would be like, "oh, are the His-Hers-Hers-His's coming tonight?" And "this is my friend Meg Hers His or is it Meg His Hers, and I can never remember, but anyway she's lovely." So we kind of ruled that one out early.*) But what has come closest to seeming do-able to us is hyphenation. Since I felt fairly strongly that the person in labor got to give the kid her name, and David felt pretty strongly that his kids were going to have his damn name... hyphenation has long seemed the default choice. So, we were considering hyphenating our names when we got married.
And then the wedding month came along. And we were really busy, and we were really stressed, and we had a million things to think about and we just couldn't devote the emotional time to the subject that we felt it required, so we finally just looked at each other and shrugged. And then we told everyone that neither of us was changing our names... yet. Since for us the name changing hinged so much on kids, we decided we were just going to wait till we were having kids, and then see how we actually felt in the moment, instead of how we hypothetically felt in the future.
And then, there is that other painful complicated thing I have to mention. The anger. I have been near blindsided by how angry I still feel over this choice. When mail comes addressed to me as Mrs. Meg His, I ask David to take the label off before I get home, so I don't have to see it. When someone addresses me as Mrs.** I literally get shaky with rage. And I didn't expect that response! What is that response? I mean, my mother is a first wave feminist, for gods sake, and she uses Mrs.! Why am I so so angry about it?
And then this weekend I figured it out on a real tangible level. We were having a long conversation with a lesbian couple who are good friends of ours, and the name change discussion came up. After we'd cycled through talking about all the different choices (combining names, hyphenating names, picking a new name, picking one persons name... etc, etc) they started talking about how they didn't really have any idea about what they were going to do about their kids names (or their names after they had kids, even) and they'd figure it out somehow. And then I fully, fully emotionally realized why I was getting shaky angry, I realized why readers were writing me, literally in tears and rage at the same time (readers who want to take there husbands name write me like this, the same way people who don't want to take their husbands name write me like this). It's because we're used to a level playing field, and on this we don't have one. It's not anyone's fault really, but thems the breaks.
When I tell people that I wanted David to take my name, they always, without fail, laugh like I'm making a hilarious joke. And I always just stare at them. Because I'm not joking. Not even a little bit. When David and I have conversations about how he wants his name to be last when we hyphenate, I feel like I don't have a even playing field. Not even a little bit. When I get mail addressed to Meg His and he never gets mail addressed to David Hers, it drives home the fact that the playing field is not level.
And so. And so. None of this means that you should keep your name. Or hyphenate your name. Not at all. But what it does mean is this:
If you are trying to figure out what to do, talk to your partner. I mean really really talk to him (in this example I'm using a male pronoun...). Try to figure out what you're feeling and try to articulate it in all its complexity. If he's not quite understanding it, ask him to put himself in your shoes, and see how that feels. And then talk some more. And cry if you want to.
Don't listen to outside voices. In most situations I say, listen to your family... and then decide. But on this one I think the voices that matter in this conversation are yours and your partners. It's your new family, and this is an emotionally core decision you are making about that baby family, and more than that about your NAME. In my opinion (and I may be wrong, but it is my rather firm personal opinion) your mother-in-law does not get a vote on this one.
Consider waiting if you need to. If you really can't figure out how you feel, wait. Seriously. Weddings are complicated times, you don't need a deadline on this decision on top of everything else. There is no reason to talk about your family name at the wedding, either way, so you can take the time that you need to think.
It's ok if your emotions are... whatever they are. Maybe you're angry, maybe you're excited, maybe you're zen, maybe you're something else. Maybe you're zen and then angry by turns (me), or excited and then sad (maybe Alyssa). NORMAL. I suspect that name changing has always been emotional for women, but we're one of the first generations that has so many legitimate options that becomes easy to talk about the confusion. So. Embrace that.
You have options. Lots and lots of options. They are varied, and they belong to you. You can pick amongst them. You can even change your mind amongst them. Remember that, on the bad days.
And breathe. Because you will figure it out one day... or you won't... and that will be fine too.
And now, Team Practical's words of wisdom. Go!
Update: read Part II here
*Though I think people who do this are ballsy and awesome
**When you don't take your husband's last name, you technically stay a Ms.
Categories: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife
Tags: Changing Your Name, Favorite Posts
Thanks for this discussion. It made for an interesting dog walk this morning. ;)
My fiance is a published scientist (like so many other fiances talked about above!) and is sticking with his name after we get married. I’m also in academia, but not yet published and he will be doctor of philosophy before me. Part of me feels like he “beat me” to publishing, so I have to take his name if we’re going to have the same name, which is completely ridiculous. I will probably keep my last name as a second middle name, and give up my current second middle name; the last name of my great grand parents/grand father/ father that was changed in the 1950′s due to anti-semitism. In retrospect, I would have preferred to have had my mother’s maiden name as my second middle name since I am much closer with her side of the family. Plus, it would have been a nice tribute to her.
I haven’t told my fiance that I’m a little hurt that he won’t even consider taking my name as a second middle name. This morning he said “I think middle names are stupid. Why would I want a second one?” Fair enough.
Getting rid of my great parents name (even though I was close to them!) and keeping my not-really-a-family-name-but-it’s-what-I-have name as a second middle name is the only decision I’m pretty comfortable with. I will probably insist that our future children have two middle names like me. If they want to change their names in the future, they’re welcome to.
Before Meg mentioned it, I wasn’t aware that this is yet another example of the playing field not being level! That boils my blood, even if my fiance doesn’t completely understand the issue in our case, as he is not asking me to change my name at all.
May 2, 2010 12:25 pm
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I always knew I was never going to change my name. It wasn’t even in the cards. However, I managed to go and find a boy with the same last name! Now everyone assumes I did change my name which is also infuriating, and because our last name is the same people feel free to call me “Mrs.” and I hate it!
May 2, 2010 4:33 pm
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I already have two last names (not hyphenated — two separate last names) from my parents that both kept their last names. So, I don’t really want to add another. I love my last name, so I don’t think I’ll change it. My boyfriend and I have discussed names seriously, and we’re both fine with each of us keeping our own names. With kids, we still have to decide, but I am pretty much at peace with the idea of our family being the HisName family and our kids having his name. I like my last name, but that doesn’t mean it has to be passed on.
One of my friends did something interesting. She had a hyphenated last name, and she chose to move on of her last names to her middle name, take her husband’s last name, and use a three name system. It was an elegant solution that actually sounds really pretty.
I think the real solution is for people to do what works for them. It always makes me sad when friends of mine pain a lot about changing their name (down to having panic attacks about it) yet still change their last name. Do what works for you.
May 3, 2010 9:45 am
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I am so relieved to see such a lively dialogue on this subject. My fiance and I have talked about this A LOT and it has brought up some interesting feelings. First, I must mention, that being the child of counter culture folks, I have a hyphenated last name (first name, moms last-dad’s last) that for 38 years has been a heavy moniker to carry. I also must mention that I have a 9 year old daughter who bears my last name as well (long story, absent, deadbeat dad, blah, blah, blah). Lastly, I have a career as a lawyer and as a published writer using my last name.
My fiance, has his father’s name and is a a II, as in first name middle name last name II. His father passed away 6 years ago and since then my fiance (who has always had an interesting relationship to his own name) has become sort of fixated on how important it is to carry on his family name. I also must mention that we are also pretty non-traditional folks. My fiance is an artist. So when we first discussed the name change thing, I was stunned to find out how much my fiance wanted me to change my name to his last name and how certain I was that I wouldn’t for good reason (all mentioned above).
I also, like some other commentators, did not feel any particular connection to the archaic notions (Property ownership, physical ownership etc) behind naming conventions in our culture. My fiance was hurt and did not entirely understand that all of my reasons for keeping my name had nothing to do with how much I adore him and how much I know I will feel like his wife-even if I don’t share his name. He had concerns that if we had a child it would feel “funny” having a different name than me. But I couldn’t quite understand that either, since my dad never hyphenated his name and I always had a different name than him. Ultimately we have come to an uneasy truce on the subject and continue to discuss it as we prepare our wedding ceremony with our officiant. And a dear friend has made up her own hypenation of our last names that is at once endearing and ridiculous and we now joking refer to ourselves by that name.
But I can’t say that we have become comfortable yet with the name change dilemma–I imagine it will be something we work through in years to come!!!
May 3, 2010 12:47 pm
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To quote on of my favourite blog-ladies, bugger me with a bunch of bananas. Crazy response to this post.
I’m not even going to pretend that I was able to read all the comments. (If only!) I’m just adding my small voice to say that I thought I’d change my name. Then we got (legally) married, then we got (properly) married, then we celebrated anniversaries, and what do you know, my name was the same. And I started getting irritated by the assumption that it had changed. And now I don’t think it ever will.
I’m also confused about what to do when little come along. I’ll cross that bridge when we get there I think.
(One thing I did do? I tried out my potential new last name on Facebook. It never really felt right somehow. Useful experiment I suppose…)
May 3, 2010 3:13 pm
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In Korea, women don’t change their names at all, but are instead referred to thereon as “So and so’s wife.” I can’t decide which is worse (to lose your last name or your entire name) or if they’re even different ultimately, but the sense in which women are referred to after they are married doesn’t make one think she has been subsumed into her husband’s identity, but rather that she and her husband are a new entity. Professionally and on mail she will still be called her name. It’s only in reference to the couple when the “So and so and his wife” is used, and when the couple have a child, the first child’s name will be used to refer to the family unit; e.g. “Michael’s family” or “Michael’s parents.” In other words, neither parents’ names are used after the first child is born.
Of course this is a cultural difference so it won’t translate here very well, but if you wanted to feel like one unit with one last name, maybe you could take on a new last name, but one that somehow honors both of your families. I know this sounds a lot easier than it will be, but I could see both of you being happy in the end. I have a friend who’s considering a new last name that will be Irish in form (honoring her grandmother) but also happens to include one of her fiance’s parent’s first names I think.
May 4, 2010 10:13 am
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I was so happy to take His name! Not only is it worlds easier to spell and write in cursive than my Maiden name, but I love that old fashioned “I’m married to HIM” feeling.
I’d like to point out for those still deciding that other cultures might offer other options. For instance (as some Canadians have pointed out) it is not a French custom to change names, in fact some place prohibit it! Almost every country has their own way of doing things, and a little research might yield some new-to-you ways of doing things!
But I don’t recommend doing what the Hungarians did (and some still do). They took not only the Husband’s last name, but his first as well! So my Great grandma Helen Szilagyi married Alex Shigo, and became Shigo Alexne to all but family and close friends. Thank goodness customs are changing (if slowly!)
May 4, 2010 5:36 pm
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If I had had a more joyous childhood filled with loving parents and all the beautiful memories a person should have, I’m sure I would have a problem dropping my last name. But I really can not WAIT to rid myself of my last name, in a sense. I am truly embracing this new beginning. It is both wonderful and sad to look back and examine what went down and then leave it behind. It has no power over me and really embrace my new life and new name. In fact I can say that happened to someone else entirely. New woman New name.
* Plus my name will rhyme which I think is just corny enough to come off as charming
May 6, 2010 9:41 am
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Unlike many ppl, my decision to take FH’s last name is fairly simple: he has a cool last name. I do not. I don’t think a name defines a person, so I don’t mind changing mine. Kids weren’t a factor in this because it really wouldn’t bother me to have a different last name than the kids.
What DOES “bother” me, is the thought that people will judge me for taking his last name. I’m a total feminist and many of my friends and family have been giving me very confused reactions when I tell them I’m planning on taking his last name. This saddens me a little and makes me wonder what other people–coworkers, etc–are thinking about me.
I just like his name better than mine. Given the choice, I want his name. If he had a crappy name, I’d keep mine.
May 7, 2010 1:43 pm
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Thank you for this. Looking back at my comment and examining my feels about this have been helpful to me.
May 7, 2010 8:11 pm
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apparently i’m tired. please read what i mean and not what i write. Thanks
May 7, 2010 8:23 pm
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I know I’m late to the party, but I am SO GRATEFUL for this post.
It literally never occurred to me my fiance would want me to take his name. He’s a very liberal guy, I’m a very serious feminist, and we’ve known each other close to a decade. When he asked, I was stunned, and frightened. Who does he think I am? Who does he want me to be? Does he expect me to turn into a sitcom housewife immediately upon saying “I do”?
We talked about it. A lot. He did not think any of those things. He wanted our family to share a name. This, I thought, was nice. But “sharing a family name” could not mean “abandoning my name and sharing HIS family name”. That would not be my family. That would be HIS family.
So I asked if would consider hyphenating *with* me: as in M. Hers-His and S. Hers-His (or His-Hers, whatever). To his credit, he took a few days to really consider it. And decided he didn’t want to. It would be weird, and hard, and he wasn’t interested.
And here’s where it gets complicated: technically, I’d gotten my way. I didn’t want to change my name, and he didn’t want to change his, and so we were even. He told me that taking his name was still his preference, but he understood–better, now–why I didn’t want to.
But now I’m kind of angry. He wanted to share a family name, but only if it was HIS name? He says that part of the problem is the fact that my last name ALSO happens to be his middle name (a grandmother’s maiden name), meaning that if he hyphenated, he’d be S. Jones Jones-Smith, and that would be ridiculous. Instead, I should take HIS name, and we’d be M. L. Jones Smith and he’d be S. Jones Smith. Except…THIS IS NOT A COMPROMISE. This is not growing and changing with me–his name wouldn’t change! The name he got from a grandmother might be the same word, but it does not come from me, and therefore is not MY name. His grandmother and I are not (thankfully) related. He asks what he would do about his middle name, as if this is an unprecedented question. Every single married woman who changes her name faces this question, and they all seem to handle it somehow.
I guess what upsets me is that he doesn’t seem to get it. He doesn’t understand why I consider his middle name and my last name DIFFERENT names when they’re both “Jones,” and I’m frustrated that he was able to get through 25 years on the planet without ever having to consider changing his name, and why he could wax poetic about sharing a family name without ever considering that we might include MY name in OUR family.
We, too, have decided to wait until children are a more pertinent issue to deal with their names. But now I get testy if he so much as jokes about me changing my name.
May 8, 2010 3:08 pm
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PS: The only name-changing jokes that don’t make me crabby are the ones about how we’re both changing our name to “Awesome,” as in Ms. M. Awesome & Mr. S. Awesome.
Because that’d be awesome.
May 8, 2010 3:29 pm
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I have a truly unique last name. My mother and father both kept their last names and my brother and I have a combination name of the two. Basically my last name is a joining of my parents last names (no hyphen, a completely new name formed from the first syllable of each of their names). My mother remarried and those siblings have combination names from my mother and stepfather. So you see, hardly any of us have the same last name and we love it! I am keeping my name when I get married this month because I love it. And as for children, I’ve always thought they would have my fiance’s name because although I love my name I’m also looking forward to having little ‘fiance’s names’ children. But I like the idea of fluidity of emotion and the importance of communication when it comes to these matters, good things to keep in mind for the future! Thanks everyone for conversation.
May 17, 2010 4:47 pm
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Ugh! I am getting married in the fall and I flip back and forth on this issue all the time! It would make things easier, in my mind, if older folks and men did not ASSUME that the name-change is something that will happen. This is a big deal and it’s hurtful to treat it flippantly.
June 4, 2010 1:29 pm
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[...] Mrs. and Mrs.* Sea-Horse-McGirlfriendLady June 7, 2010 Recently, Meg at A Practical Wedding brought up (hesitantly, I was amused to see) name changing. [...]
June 6, 2010 7:20 pm
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[...] Recently, Meg at A Practical Wedding brought up (hesitantly, I was amused to see) name changing. [...]
June 9, 2010 7:00 am
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Hi, I am reading this blog for several months and wanted to thank Meg for all sanity and kindness which spreads through this place.
I live in small country in eastern Europe which is considered to have a very ancient language, that’s why we are having (at least one’s like me) some trouble with our family names. First of all our family names have suffixes that shows right away your gender. For example husband has a name Rutkus, wife’s name is Rutkiene. What is even more family names also shows woman’s marital status, for example Rutkus daughter has a family name Rutkyte, see the difference, while english speaking counties have one name for all of them. For several years this topic have been discussed a lot and linguists allowed to use woman name suffix that cannot show her marital status, now both mother ant daughter can have a same name Rutke. All this seems perfectly fine and up to date until you try it say aloud that it would be nice to have your family name this way, I have heard many things from calling these women wanting to hide their marriages because they are free behavior, to naming them feminists with a lot of contempt, the least is saying that these names are ugly or that it is demolition of our traditions and family values. It is no surprise that only ten percent of newly married woman chooses that “new” name form. Such untolerant, narrow minded society is driving me mad every time I hear judging new bride who made her choice, whats worse a lot of judging comes from other women.
By now my and my fiance are in preengagement status, which of course means me puting our names and family names together in many combinations, and often I come up with wanting both my maiden name and his family name in form not showing marital status even if it sounds a little strange in that form. Having two family names after your name is still considered strange, unusual and demonstrative, while it is every ones free will and personal right.
sorry for long and not so coherent post, and unfluent english, bet I just had to write it down.
June 11, 2010 9:20 am
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I’m really glad you wrote your story!!! Your English may be unfluent, but it is perfectly understandable. ;)
The linguistics of naming sounds very difficult there.
I have a friend in Denmark who is transgender, and one problem that he faced early in transition was, what name to be called by: In Denmark, there are specific lists of what first names can be given to children of each gender, and there aren’t many overlaps between the sexes. There are dispensations for people from outside cultures, but even adults who are Danish must choose from the list.
He didn’t want the female name on his passport, and so found a name on both lists to go to. ;)
Thanks for sharing your story. I love reading about other people’s experiences.
August 18, 2010 4:41 am
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[...] in my drafts half written is one about name changing. However, Meg’s recent post on name changing has inspired me to finish and [...]
June 11, 2010 12:00 pm
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For me, changing my name was a decision I’d waffled on since I had my first serious boyfriend. My mother didn’t change her name, I believe as my father told her “not to change it” (not sure on the reason). When I was born, I was named “Julie Kakas Nelson,” the Kakas being my legal middle name. My brother was “Frank Kakas Nelson.” Actually, until the third grade, I thought everyone got their mother’s maiden name (I’d figured out that most women take their husband’s name) as a middle name and I was dismayed to find out that everyone had middle names like Marie, Lauren, and Elizabeth. I felt a little bit ripped-off, especially since my middle name (not really my middle name here, but an ethnically similar example) sounded really weird compared to all the Maries out there. By the time I got to high school, though, I’d embraced my ethnic identity and was proud to have a unique middle name that showed I was related to my mother, too, even though I don’t use it from day-to-day ie: I am not Julie Kakas Nelson, just Julie Nelson (I do sign the middle initial, though).
As for being engaged, my wonderful fiance has no preference as to what I do with my name. He did say that he knows me as Julie Smith and he considers that to be who I am, which is cool. His only statement was that he was not going to change his name because it would be “weird,” a statement with which I don’t agree (it is atypical, but weird?) but I’d never considered asking him to change because I didn’t want him to ask me to change.
I have no sentimental attachment to my last name. It’s (the real one) a German name, not common but not unique, and I was not close to the grandfather from whom I inherited it. My relationship with my father, while not bad, has been an emotionally complicated one for most of my life. But, his name was given to me and as an adult I now see it as “my” name that just happens to be the same as his. I don’t wish to shed it because of emotional associations, in fact, I think I’m indifferent to its origins (but I do love the origins of my middle name).
My fiance has a very common German name. I’ve considered becoming “Julie Beck,” “Julie Smith Beck” with Smith as a middle name and dropping my mother’s name, and “Julie Kakas Smith Beck” for about 5 seconds because I sounded like a phonebook.
In the end, I decided to keep my whole name. No changes, no amendments, no hyphens. It isn’t any priority to me to have the same last name as a family; it worked fine for my parents. As for children, I would like (and we haven’t discussed this) to make them “Baby Kakas Beck” or “Baby Smith Beck” so they have something from me. It makes no difference that they take their father’s name, which I think is what he wants. I’m not going to hyphenate them. I don’t know that my future in-laws are aware of me not intending to become (legally) Julie Beck, but that’s their deal to deal with, so to speak. Socially, I guess I could be Mrs. Beck, but I’m not going to encourage it.
As I once heard a lady say, “one man’s name is as good as another.”
August 11, 2010 1:58 pm
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Well, I never really liked my husband’s last name. And it doesn’t sound great with my first name. However, neither was I attached to my own name. I haven’t seen my father in over 20 years and my mother has since re-married a lovely man and taken his name. So, I did something different.
I wanted to keep a part of my own family in my name, so I adopted my mothers maiden name. She is one of two sisters and their line of the name had stopped. As my granddad (quite sick now) is enthralled with his family tree, I thought it would be a nice gesture to hyphenate this with hubby’s name. Hubby wasn’t up for ditching his name altogether, but after some ‘talks’ has come around to the idea of at least modifying it and has hyphenated his to match, so we have a family name.
I was never a big fan of hyphenating (though some combo’s do sound pretty good – sadly ours isn’t one of them). It was just the best compromise for us. As for kids, if we have them, we’ll give them the hyphenated name to start with and see what happens. We have actually both chosen to use our own halves of the hyphenated name casually or just as it pleases us. So I can be Adele M**** or Adele M**** – M**** as I please.
I also have chosen to be Ms as I don’t see why everybody should know my marital status if they don’t know his. I’ve had a few raised eyebrows on this one, I don’t think it’s too common in UK yet to be a married Ms. But I figure, somebody’s gotta start these things.
Incidentally, his parents are rather offended at his modifying of his name. But they seem to have been offended at every step of our wedding plans too. That’s a whole other story…
October 7, 2010 6:54 am
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I’m getting married in May, a week before I graduate from Medical School. I have no plans to take his name, it seems too much of an identity change for me. Like, that has been my name for the past 27 years of my life, I see no reason to change it after years of living in sin, just because we’ll be officially married. I am however, very much looking forward to getting mail addressed to Dr. and Mr. :)
November 1, 2010 9:27 pm
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I know I’m late to the party, but I just read this and had to chime in, because this issue was a Very Big Deal for me as well.
I don’t want to go into a whole big history thing, but in a nutshell marriage was never on the table for me. That is, until I dated a man on a whim who slowly but surely became my future, and I had to change all my ideas about how I thought my life would go because I never had to account for anyone else before. Suddenly I was plunged headfirst into wedding planning, registering, all these things I apparently Had To Do, without the cushion of forethought that dreaming of this day since I was a kid would have given me, including making huge life-changing choices such as whether or not to keep my name.
It had never occurred to me that I would be known as anything other than Christy L***. I had a great last name! Fabulous! People commented on it all the time, and it also worked as a ringing and memorable stage name. My (now) husband’s name was…..eh. Not fantastic. At least, not when I compared it to the awesomeness that was Christy L***! But after we got engaged he (respectfully, but wrongly) assumed that I was planning on taking his name. Imagine a record scratching to a halt when he let that one slip. I was a fully-formed, independently-minded, feminist-of-a-new-generation woman. He loved that about me, yet here we were locked in a stalemate because I wasn’t into changing my name and he assumed that I would.
Fast forward several months to the time when we Had To Decide (your advice that you don’t HAVE to decide before the wedding would really have come in handy back then!), We’d had a few ugly misunderstanding fights – I thought he was trying to oppress me and stifle my voice, he thought I didn’t want to be joined with him and didn’t respect his feelings. But then we remembered that we were marrying a good-willed person who loved us sacrificially, and we sat down to really talk about why this name thing was so important to us.
My side: In all honesty, the side of the family my name came from is pretty screwed up. My desire to keep my name had absolutely nothing to do with honoring my history, and I HATED it when people would suggest this as justification for keeping my name. I wanted to keep my name because it was part of who I was. I worked very hard to re-define the story that historically went with my surname, and it was part of how I identified myself. People used my last name as a nickname for me before knowing it was on my birth certificate, that’s how well it suited me. Eventually I realized that I was more afraid of losing myself than I was of losing my name (even though Aaron loved me just as I was and never asked me to change), and my name had become a symbol of independence for me. And as a bride-who-almost-wasn’t, every little bit of me that had to bend to join in holy matrimony with another was a severe internal battle for me.
His side: His dad left when he was two. His mom remarried an emotionally and physically abusive man and took his name, while Aaron kept his birth name. When his mom divorced the scumbag (not long after they were married, thank God) she didn’t change her name (too much work, she said). Aaron grew up as an only child with a name that didn’t match his mothers’, with almost no extended family on her side and none on his biological fathers’. People assumed his mother was unrelated to him because of their different last names, and he hated it. Really hated it. The only person he shared a name was his estranged father, a nomadic hippie who chose drugs and ‘finding himself’ over his son. Like me, Aaron had worked hard to re-define what his name meant, and was proud of the life he had built. He grew up dreaming about having a family – a good family, a whole family – who all shared one name. When I told him I didn’t want to take his name, what he heard was that his kids were going to have a different last name than one or both of their parents, and were going experience the same misunderstandings that haunted him as a kid.
At the end of the day, it meant a lot to me to keep my name, but it meant more to him to have me take his. And so I did. This wasn’t an easy decision, but it typified the kind of sacrificial love that has defined our marriage. We’re not selfless people, but we can love the other above ourselves. We cherish the other as an individual, but make decisions that benefit the whole. This was by no means an easy decision for me, and I had to pray a lot to come to peace with it. But it was absolutely the right decision for me and for my family, and I have never regretted choosing to honor my husband in this way.
The hardest part? Actually changing my name after the wedding. Not because of anything I was feeling, but because of the cheerfully unhelpful buffoons behind the dmv/social security/magazine subscription desks who would ALWAYS see my former surname and say “Oh! You’re changing your name?!? But why, hon, it’s such a pretty name! If it were me I would have kept it, you should talk to that man of yours!” Talk about engraged! I’m not a violent person, but after the third one of these I felt like hitting someone. No, stranger behind a desk, I don’t want your completely unsolicited advice about a decision I made that may seem like no big deal to you but actually took moving a mountain in my heart to make!
Anyway, here’s where I’m at now: My old last name is now my second middle name. My husband has two, now I do too. I (reluctantly) go by Mrs. when the person doesn’t know me, but ask to be called Ms. with people who do (with the exception of my irony-loving little sister, who has chosen to nickname me “Mrs.”). I REFUSE to be known as Mrs. Aaron A*********, and ask friends addressing cards and invites to use both of our names. I’m not a judgey person by nature – live and let live, that’s me – but I Do. Not. Get. women who melt at being called Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. And I’m happy with that. Oh, and I kept my original awesome stage name. He can’t have them all. ;)
November 15, 2010 4:09 pm
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[...] Not sure what to do when it comes to changing your name? Go on over to Practical Wedding to get some [...]
December 28, 2010 9:12 pm
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I know I’m a bit late on this issue, I’ve only been a member since October. Sorry. My fiance is Puerto Rican, born and raised on the island. It is customary for women of Latino descent to not take their husband’s name after marrying, however, it is the father’s name that gets passed when those children have children. Why? I never could find an answer.
That being said, my fiance DID NOT want me to take his name (he thinks the European/Western practice is bizarre), and to hyphenate our future childrens’ names, as is customary (his name-my name). Although I do have two brothers, I have no idea as to when, let alone if, they’ll be having children. You can say that I’m still debating the issue. It would be easier to just keep my name-no paper work-but it would be weird having my Mother’s title of Mrs. Koziol.
January 13, 2011 6:10 am
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I didn’t read through all the comments, but at least from the first page I think I am in a pretty small group regarding names. My mother kept her last name, and both me and my brother have her last name (with our dad’s last name as a second middle name). So, Liz Middle Dad’sLast Mum’sLast.
I have no plans to change my last name if I get married, as I think it’s a cool name, even though no-one pronounces or spells it correctly (it’s not actually difficult at all, so I’m not sure why this happens).
February 3, 2011 4:49 am
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[...] and serious relationships and what that means to us ladies. Is changing your name a big deal? (YES.) How do you reconcile “wife” with who you are as a person? What’s the damn deal [...]
February 9, 2011 10:34 am
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I LOVE this blog. I am so thankful that one of my friends sent it to me. I am getting married in 7 months and the name-changing is definitely an intense issue. There was never any DOUBT in my mind, even in my little-kid-fantasy-imagining-my-wedding mind (yes, I did imagine it once or twice…but not in a cheesy date-movie kind of way) that I would NEVER change my name. I was raised by a feminist artist, and although she changed her name and never told me not to change to mine, I was taught to believe that as a woman I was equal to any man on the planet. Thus, why in hell would my name not be adequate?? After all, I’ve had this goddamn frustrating, hard to spell, hard to pronounce last name for 31 goddamn years and it’s MINE. Why would I suddenly become someone else? Like a possession!! So, yeah. That’s that. Plus, I’m the very last person my in line of geneaology to posess this last name (being an only child of an only child of an only child…) and I am going to keep this name until the day I die!!
But, a more intense issue has surfaced, and Meg, I could REALLY use your input. And that’s the issue of conversion. I was raised Irish Catholic and my fiancee is Jewish. I renounced Catholicism a long time ago and have no connection to it, other than memories and a cultural tie. My fiancee is not religious (actually, he’s kind of athethist) but he identifies with his religion on a culural level. (His name is David, actually…) He wants me to convert so that our kids can be considered Jewish by the state of Israel. His family was actually surprised it meant so much to him. I foolishly agreed, on a whim, saying it would be my “wedding present” to him. What a f**king idiot I was. I am not scared by the work involved or anything of the sort, in that sense, bring it! But, I am truly and utterly disturbed by the implications of it. That I am CONVERTING, changing myself to fit my man. So, he identifies culturally with Judaism, what about my Irish Catholic cultural identity? What about my religious grandmother who would never speak to me again if she knew? David says if I’m not taking his name, then I should convert. Like I OWE him something?? He gets me for the rest of his life, isn’t that enough??
Like you, Meg, this issue has me shaking angry. If I were a cartoon, smoke would be blowing out of my ears in billows.
February 12, 2011 3:14 pm
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THANK YOU SO MUCH – I wish I had found this blog last year when everyone was in full flow. However I’ve just spent a couple of hours reading all the comments and felt I must say that the discsusion has been so considered and thoughtful whilst still enabling people to state their views. It was also a revelation to me that others feel real rage at being incorrectly addressed – I thought I was the only one to tear up and burn any Mr & Mrs His His envelopes or even any Myfirst Hislast ones!
I also loved Meg’s comment about the unequal playing field. I have tried to summarise why I feel so strongly about the naming issue for years and realise now that it is quite simply a matter of fairness so the “unequal field” sums it up perfectly. I have stuck at being Ms Myfirst Mylast through 2 marriages over the past 25 years and despite it being hard-going at times with people and bureaucracies not getting it I know it was and always will be totally the right decision for me.
March 16, 2011 11:42 am
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[...] I don’t feel conflicted, confused or concerned about the decision (though I think that’s probably a valid set of feelings), but I do feel annoyed. Annoyed [...]
April 4, 2011 8:26 pm
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I personally see nothing wrong with a person changing their name. I feel that it is a personal choice. I changed my name and I have gotten a lot of backlash from it, especially from the African American community. They all told me that I shouldn’t do it, especially since i changed my whole name. I went from Montrez C Nixon to Storm Chase Monroe, and I love my new name and do not regret it one bit.
April 14, 2011 6:13 pm
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Hi, it’s so nice to hear of all this rage – seriously, rage is underratted as an agent of positive change in the world, and it’s so brilliant to not be alone with the rage, or as my friend says “The Red Mist” (she knows good rage).
I’ve changed my name twice already and I’m not anywhere near a wedding yet. And I definitely won’t be taking his name when I finally get there. I created my last name myself, so it’s not a family name. He can keep his, I will keep mine. I grew up in a hyphenated family, and since then everyone (mum, dad, brother, me, sis) have all had different/changed names at one stage or another and it has never been an issue.
The interesting challenge I will face is when I have children, they won’t have my name – it’s not a family name but personal to me, and I also don’t want them to have his, to me that would be strangely imbalanced and honouring his father’s line only. I want to create a new name for them. Hmmm, should be interesting.
May 6, 2011 8:20 am
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I will admit to reading only about a sixth of the comments so far, but here are my thoughts on the whole matter. I am a bit under 20 and engaged, while this may seem completely mind-blowing to nearly every person who hears of our engagement, I am happy, and do want a miserable, stretched out adolescence past my twenties just to “get to know myself” through parties and booze. If this is women’s “empowerment,” then I don’t want that slice of it and would happily opt for tranquil domestic life instead.
My FH has, throughout our courtship, told me various times that he wants me to change my name. While we are traditional in nearly every sense of the word, and I do not object to it (rather have always looked forward to it), I simply didn’t like his last name. It is short, simple, and not representative of anything spectacular. It is even a bit comical.
Meanwhile, mine is foreign and even though it is special, I have a brother who can carry it on. I have never wanted to keep it forever. FH is upset because he adores his last name for some reason I cannot comprehend. For if that was my last name, I would change it _as soon as I could_ to something more respect-demanding. Anyway, he wants me to take it, but agrees to let me have my own last name if I absolutely dislike his.
Slowly, I’ve been warming him up to the idea of modifying his to at least match the length of mine. We definitely want children, and we definitely want them to all have the same last name. There have to be at least two or three more years of engagement, but when the time comes, I would be happy and blissful if anyone decided to write Mr. & Mrs. HisFirst HisLast or Mr. and Mrs. HisLast.
It IS about ownership, we would own each other yes, but (this may enrage the 30-40ish feminists on here) I love the thought of being his. I don’t want to ride off into the sunset with him on my own horse, I want for him to put me on his horse and carry me off on his horse, as ONE unit, not two friends playing house and calling each other married. With all due respect, but if you do not even respond to “Mrs. HisLast”, what does that say about how much respect you have for him?
Lastly, what is issue with being a (potentially actually a virgin) “maiden?” It is your maiden name because your are a maiden, if you are older, then you are just an unmarried woman, big deal. When people started addressing me as “ma’am,” is was actually distressing because I am a “miss!” However, when the time comes, I would welcome “Mrs”. or “ma-am”.
June 24, 2011 7:09 am
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I happily changed my name when I was married. Now that I’m divorced I still see my “married name” as my name, not necessarily his. It’s the name I had when I created my adult identity, it’s what my students and Scouts call me. It’s my name. My last serious boyfriend wanted me to change my name if we married because he couldn’t be married to me if I had my ex-husband’s name. My arguments that he couldn’t tell me that my name wasn’t mine fell on deaf ears and made me so blind with rage that a breakup was inevitable. The memory of his voice shouting, “It’s not your name” still make me feel sick.
June 24, 2011 11:59 am
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I got married almost a year ago and I knew I would never, never change my name. I honestly made the decision in high school. My last name was too long and weird to hyphenate and therefore… well, my option was to just keep it. Going through life assuming I would keep my name honestly made it easier when I got engaged. (And really, it surprised no one that I would keep my name.) And besides, why should I have to change anything if he doesn’t?
However, I found myself getting really angry over the process during my engagement. I’m not angry at getting mail addressed to Mrs Hislast, or even acquaintances who made reference to being “Mrs. Him.” (Though sometimes now when I see things that say “Future Mrs. Jones” I get irrationally angry about loss of identity and whatnot, which is another story.) It was the fact that I had to think SO HARD about the subject at all. I questioned myself. On several occasions I pictured what it would be like to change my name. And it always made me want to cry. But I was angry at the unfairness of it all. The unfairness than 99% of men who get married don’t have a tug-of-war inside their head about their name. 99% of men don’t think about what their in-laws response will be when they find out their new in-law will be keeping their birth name.
At the moment, my husband and I have decided our children get my last name as a second middle (my husband has his mother’s maiden name as a second middle), and his last. But more and more, I’m dissatisfied with this compromise. While hyphenating isn’t really something that works with my name, I’d like to create a new name with part of mine and his (mashed together, no hyphen). If the children have 50% my DNA, and I’m responsible for 50% of their care and upbringing, well, it’s only fair. The Lucy Stone League has information on naming gender equity which is fairly interesting and discusses how women are often raised to believe their names don’t matter because it is assumed they’ll change them anyway.
September 14, 2011 4:19 pm
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I realize this comment is ridiculously late in the game, but I’m hoping typing out my situation will help me clarify things for myself.
*I always assumed I’d keep my name as is, and maybe if I were marrying a (cisgendered) man, I’d still feel that way. As it is, I’m surprised that I feel so inclined to want a shared name for my new queer family – we’re Canadian, so everything’s legal, and the symbolism of sharing a name should be less important, right?
*My mother changed her name, but we always joke that it was a fairly easy choice, since her family name and my father’s both mean the same thing, only her’s is English and his is French.
*No one pronounces my last name properly, including myself and most of my family. We use a very anglicized pronunciation. I have attempted to use the proper french pronunciation for work, as my job involves communication in french, but I frequently forget. There is also the problem that my first and middle name are utterly unpronounceable in french, making it very awkward to say my full name with the last name pronounced properly. I’ve never really cared for any of my names, but I could never get any attempt at changing my name to stick.
*I’m not generally a fan of hyphenation, as it just puts off the name issue to the next generation, and my name is really too long to hyphenate well, but I kind of like MyLast-HerLast, anyway. She doesn’t though, so it’s a moot point. Also, I was very surprised to find out that my very traditional cousin, who I would have assumed would take her husband’s name without a second thought, hadn’t changed her name, but had instead chosen to hyphenate our already long french last name with his even longer polish one, making a 7-syllable last name.
*Her last name is nicer, more pronounceable, etc, but sounds awful with my first name. We both (rather shamefacedly) admitted to each other that we had briefly considered both of us using her name, because she’s more butch, before realizing how terribly heteronormative we were being. Also, I think my parents would be hurt if we took her last name.
*We’re considering adoption, and wondered if a solution might be to keep our own last names and keep the birth last names of any children we adopted, as a way of honouring where they come from. I do worry that this would make an adopted child feel like less of a part of the family though, which would be the opposite of what we want.
*Making up a new name really seems like the best option, but our names don’t combine well. Duke, Dueller and Dell are really the only viable choices, and the only one I like is Dell, which is unfortunately also the first name of a relative of hers, so it may not be an option. That leaves starting from scratch. She’s suggested ‘Zilla (as in godzilla) as a joke, but I would like to be able to be taken seriously at work. We’re thinking something nature-y sounding, maybe, and if we’re choosing an existing name, we want it to come from at least one of our backgrounds. Given we have English, French, German, Scottish, Cree and Blackfoot to choose from, it shouldn’t be so hard, but it is. We’ve been reduced to reading random words off signs to each other in the hopes that something will sound good.
It’s a good thing we have two years to the wedding, because I’m pretty sure it will take us at least that long to come up with something that works.
September 16, 2011 8:36 am
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