When Sara (of the Meanest Look) wrote me to ask if I’d be interested in her writing about how she dealt with calling off her wedding, I said, “YES!!” in such an enthusiastic way that I think she was a little shocked. Because on one hand, yes, people don’t like to think of unhappy endings in the middle of wedding planning. But on the other hand, I think there is power for all of us in discussing the taboo parts of weddings and marriages. BIG power. Because goodness knows, if you call off your wedding, you’re at least supposed to be quiet about it. And f*ck being quiet about it. I know for a fact that Sara is not the only Team Practical member who has dealt with this, and none of you deserve to feel alone and isolated. Plus, well, I know this story (don’t we all know this story?) mine didn’t involve a ring, but it did involve a lot of painful wising up. And I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t had to pick up those bazillion pieces. So, wedding graduate or no wedding graduate, I’m on Sara’s team. With that, I give you Sara, the Wedding Dropout (Yup. I said it):
Three or so weeks before my romantic, perfect, practical wedding was set to take place the whole shebang that I had spent countless hours coordinating, planning, etc. was called off.
By me.
You know cold feet? Well it was something more. It was a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. It was more than a fleeting moment of doubt.
It just wasn’t right.
At the end of December, I called off my wedding and shit hit the fan. Having just gone through this a few months ago and looking back, what sort of advice can I offer to other wedding dropouts?
- First, slow everything down. Wedding planning is hectic and fast and harried and full of pressure from all kinds of places. Make sure you’re actually interested in the getting married bit of the wedding planning -that you want your relationship to have a forever home. Maybe you do. Maybe things are just moving too fast. That’s all fine. Just take the time to be sure.
- Do your own dirty work. Even though friends and family may offer to call guest, caterers, hotels, etc for you, just do it yourself. You may cry through every one of those phone calls like I did, but owning the situation makes it so much easier.
- If you don’t make those calls yourself and deal with it, then be ready for some seriously awkward situations. I chose to stick my head in the sand and tell only a few people. Word did not get around, so I had co-workers, acquaintances, friends, and family constantly asking if I “was getting excited for the big day” leading up to the date. I had about a million breakdowns every time that happened. It would have been much easier to just get it over with at once.
- Return gifts and money immediately. Include a thank you card and a personal note. Don’t be rude just because your plans have changed.
- The people who loved you before you were a bride-to-be will still love you once you are a Wedding Dropout. (thanks, Dad!) And feel free to have that frank conversation with them. I was surprised when my dad told me he doesn’t care if I ever get married. As long as I’m happy.
- Ask for your money back from vendors. You may be surprised at the compassion some people will have toward your situation.
- Live gratitude. Thank everyone around you for their support, their kindness, and time. You cannot thank them enough.
- Try therapy first. Pre-marital counseling, individual therapy. Whatever helps you sort your head out. We tried too little, too late and then it just imploded on our efforts. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage work and therapy will help you know if you and your partner are on the same page or if dropping out is the right path.
- Feel free to fall apart. It’s okay, really. I waited too long to get in touch with what I was really feeling and it led to some dark days. Mourn, make peace with your decision and begin to move on. And cry all you want, girlfriend.
- You will be okay. The “was to be wedding day” was really hard. My stubborn ass went to the place we were going to have the reception and had a party with my besties. I had a “confirmed bachelorette” party a few weeks before. Those are memories I’ll always have with my friends. And I laughed at myself, which helped. Immeasurably. It’s more than okay to laugh while crying.
Life goes on. It’s hard but you can make it through if I did. It will feel like your entire world has fallen in. Cause it sort of has, but the thing is, you can rebuild. And you’ll know how to make a stronger foundation next time. And there will be a next time. I promise.
And now the very personal part. Did I love my Fiancée? Yes, without a doubt. Did he love me? Absolutely. Do I still love him? Yes, and will for a very long time. Did I want to work things out at first? No. Did he? Yes. After a little time went by did I want things to work out? Yes. Did he? No. So I cried some more. What made all this practical, sane and creative? I followed my heart. Into the engagement and out.
The bravery it took to write this piece and then have it published is astounding. Thank you.
April 8, 2010 4:39 am
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Wow. Seriously? This is why APW is one of THE BEST wedding sites out there. Just pure honesty all over this site.
April 8, 2010 4:55 am
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I called off an engagement because of that same deep gut feeling that it was just not the right thing for me. Now that I’m planning a wedding to the man who is the love of my life, whenever I get cold feet, I know it’s just a temporary hiccup. Its a very brave and very sad thing to end an engagement, thank you, Sara, for sharing your story.
April 8, 2010 4:58 am
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What an amazing post. The guts it must to have taken to admit to yourself that it wasn’t right AND deal with that in the face of all the expectation that comes with an approaching wedding.
THIS is the reason I love this blog so much. There are so many huge, complicated, painful and confusing moments that come up throughout planning a marriage. I love that there is a place that doesn’t pretend that weddings are nothing but fairy tale and romance. There shouldn’t be any shame in recognising that what you’re doing isn’t right and taking steps to deal with it before making a huge (and often legally binding) commitment.
April 8, 2010 5:21 am
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Props to you Sara. For following your heart (and your gut) in the most difficult of circumstances. So touched by your story. Particularly impressed by your compassion not only for your former fiancee (not many women could call off a wedding and still describe that person so warmly – very classy), your family, your vendors and your friends. Bride or no bride, you really are what Team Practical is all about. God Bless.
April 8, 2010 6:00 am
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This was such a graceful piece for such a tough topic. Thank you so much for sharing!
April 8, 2010 6:27 am
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And that is why I love Practical Wedding.
April 8, 2010 6:31 am
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Wow. Thank you for writing this and having the courage to share.
April 8, 2010 6:33 am
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. I called off my first engagement after about six months, and in many ways it was the most difficult thing I have ever done-but it was also one of the smartest decisions of my life. I felt like a fool, but the people in my life that really matter were supportive no matter what. My first engagement taught me the importance of talking, really talking, about marriage with my amazning partner and fiance, and not just focusing on all those lovely pretty wedding details. Merci.
April 8, 2010 6:44 am
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wow. thank you for showing us your heart! this is sooo brave, and probably still hard! thanks so much for this!
April 8, 2010 6:58 am
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Thank you. I too called off an engagement and got out of an outwardly “successful” relationship b/c I had that exact same gut feeling. I couldn’t breathe some days from the stress, the “wrongness” of it. And so I decided I didn’t want to live my whole life gasping for breath. I returned the ring. I walked away. And damn, it was one of the hardest and the best things I’ve ever done. And now I’m planning a wedding to an amazing woman that couldn’t feel more right. Seriously the amount of air in the universe is amazing this time around.
April 8, 2010 7:08 am
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Thank you! Amazing bravery, as stated above.
April 8, 2010 7:10 am
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This post moved me. My younger sister called off her engagement recently. For her, the hardest part was the time leading up to calling off the engagement (and ending the relationship). Once the decision was made it was easier for her to deal with the situation. And by easier, I mean still really difficult but just not as heartbreakingly difficult as before.
I’ll say to you just as I said to her: the courage and strength it took to call off the wedding it a true testament to your character.
April 8, 2010 7:11 am
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Thank you so much for sharing this story Sara! A friend sent me this link just today, so it’s my first time visiting this site and I can say I’m hooked. I called off my engagement four months ago for many of the same reasons. Things just were not “right.” There was a stone in my gut that I had been ignoring for far too long. Thank you for your candor, honesty and courage. As someone who’s made the phone calls (and yes, cried through most of them) and is considering how best to sell the dress, I empathize and respect the deep soul work it takes to come to this decision.
What gets me crying these days is the continued love and support from my friends, family and colleagues. This crisis brought out the best in so many people … and allowed me to discover my best as well. Any tears shed now are tears of gratitude and love. Wishing you the same, Sara.
In gratitude and respect,
Abby
April 8, 2010 7:11 am
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This is one of those posts that makes me want to reach across the internet and give the writer a great big hug.
It’s incredibly hard to call off an engagement, no matter what stage of the process. I was “unofficially” engaged to a guy a few years ago; there was no ring, but we had already gone so far as to pick a future wedding date and told several friends and a couple family members. One of the hardest parts about calling the whole relationship off was that I felt trapped; it sounds silly now, but then, it really felt like we were so far in, there was no pointing in backing out. I can’t even imagine how hard that would have been if there was already a ring on my finger and concrete wedding plans underway.
One of the most courageous things anyway can do is go with their gut, because it’s so damn HARD to do. It took me more than six months of that not-quite-right feeling to finally realize the relationship needed to end; we stayed together another month after that because we had a big trip planned with a lot of friends, but a week after the trip, we ended up breaking things off amicably and we’re still dear friends (he’s coming to my wedding in the fall, actually). The fact that I did love him made it even harder to recognize that we were NOT right for each other. He’s a terrific guy, he’s fun to be around, there was absolutely nothing wrong with our relationship except for the fact that it just wasn’t RIGHT.
We’re led to believe that in life, we only have one soul mate. Our friend Andy likes to say, “It’s not SOLE mate, it’s SOUL mate.” Meaning there can be more than one. Meaning they can appear in all forms, not just romantically. Do I believe my first fiance was one of my soul mates? Yes, I do. At that point in time, we really connected in a wonderful way, on a level I’d never connected with anyone else. Do I believe he was exactly the person I needed to be with at the time? Of course. Did I ever really believe he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with?
No. Not really. Not fully. Because to be honest, I had already met the man I knew I would spend my life with; I just didn’t think he would ever fall in love with a girl like me. One of “our songs” is “God Bless the Broken Road”, and I truly believe the sentiment; every hard time, every seemingly wrong path, every apparent mistake, every misguided relationship either of us had…those are exactly the things that led us to each other.
So Sara, it’s probably been said to you before, it may be something you already realize, but this bump in the road of your life could end up leading to something wonderful you never expected. I sincerely hope it does.
April 8, 2010 7:21 am
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…wow, that comment was a mini-novella. Sorry about that.
April 8, 2010 7:27 am
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But it was beautiful :)
May 11, 2010 1:46 pm
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Sara, You are one strong woman. May rebuilding be the best part.
Meghan
April 8, 2010 7:27 am
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Goodness me, thank you for this. I have heard of people calling off their weddings, but it wasn’t my place to ask why, or what to do after it is done. This is an eye opener, a good one.
April 8, 2010 7:51 am
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Reading experiences like this are profoundly helpful for those of us who are un-married, and at the time un-engaged (but in a long term relationship). It’s so easy to get swept up in the pretty pictures, fun parties, and fall in love with being in love. I appreciate the reality check that I get from APW that talks about the RELATIONSHIP first, marriage second. It really puts things in perspective. I’m a reflective girl, and moving forward with my significant other, while reading APW, helps me critically think about what I want and what is best for me/us long term.
Thanks for writing this, it was really brave.
April 8, 2010 8:02 am
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Relationship first, marriage second, wedding third or further down the line after things needed to be done for setting up a life.
December 12, 2011 7:53 pm
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While I hope not to be a wedding dropout, I appreciate this post. It is incredibly courageous to make the best decisions for oneself despite all kinds of pressure to do otherwise. And, sharing the lessons publicy is even more brazen and brave. Love it.
April 8, 2010 8:03 am
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Thanks today to Meg over at APW for giving me some love. And for letting my voice be heard by so many.
April 8, 2010 8:24 am
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Sara,
Thank you so much for sharing such a huge and deeply emotional part of your life. Posts like this remind me every day how much I love APW and why it is such an amazing site for so many people. I wish you the very best.
April 8, 2010 8:31 am
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…and this is why I will still be reading APW long after my wedding day.
Sara, your honesty and bravery in publishing this letter is a thing of beauty.
Meg, thank you for being willing to go to these places for us, and with us.
I wish that someone had said these things to me before my first wedding.
I wish that I had had the strength of will, presence of mind, and self-knowledge to do what Sara did. Instead, I wrangled through a nasty divorce that took longer to complete than the marriage lived.
I think it’s critically important that at some point in the planning and celebrating and gushing, someone says to the woman who is taking this step “it’s okay if you don’t”.
Kudos to you both for this post.
April 8, 2010 8:31 am
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Oh Sara. I just want to hug you. Not just for going through it, but for being honest and brave and going, “Hey, look. It happened, it will be alright.” Judging from the responses, SO many can connect to your story and that is just wonderful. Helping even one person for a few minutes makes it totally worth it.
I just love Team Practical. It really is an awesome community…
April 8, 2010 8:34 am
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Thank you, thank you, thank you. Just last week I had a serious case of marriage doubt/cold feet and I found myself wondering why my favorite group of sane women on APW had not addressed the topic. It is an enormous help to read someone elses reassurance that even if we don’t get married, things will be okay. Really *knowing* that helps in the honest assessment of our relationships durring this crazy time.
April 8, 2010 8:48 am
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holycrap. Sara!! having the strength and courage to acknowledge that gut feeling so close to the wedding date, and then doing the right thing throughout the process of calling it off, and then not only writing about it but writing So Well about it, is all truly amazing. My heart hurts for you right now but it’s clear you are going to be fine. thank you thank you thank you for being a vocal member of team practical, this story helps so many.
April 8, 2010 8:52 am
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Sara, this is an amazing piece, full of emotion, courage, knowledge, wisdom. Thank you so much.
I think #9 is especially important. It’s a loss, and people need to grieve, and let themselves feel the whole range of emotions that come with grief.
But #5 is also key. Absolutely. People will still love you — and you are still a lovable person, worthy of their love.
I’m glad you listened to your gut feeling that something was wrong — and understood that calling it off was an option. That took real honesty with yourself, a ton of courage, and a ton of strength — to be really true to what you knew deep down, even though it would be hard for a while.
This was a valuable reminder to me, even though I feel really good about being engaged and getting married, that I’m not locked into anything I don’t want to be. It keeps being a choice, and I should keep checking in with myself to make sure it’s still the choice I want to make.
April 8, 2010 9:04 am
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I admire your voice and the fact that you don’t seem to be asking for pity, just understanding. I’m sending you an internet shot of tequila and a hug.
It takes a lot of bravery to admit when a relationship has failed. The man and I were apart for a year and when we got back together I was so afraid of having to explain the whole situation that I just didn’t say anything and have been telling people we’ve been together for 5.5 years when it’s really only been 4.5…
April 8, 2010 9:24 am
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My man & I had been together almost three years when I moved out and left. It seemed like he really wanted kids; I wasn’t sure if I ever did; we had different ideas about raising them. About six months later, we had concluded that we were happier together than apart, and tried again. It was awhile, though, before I told my siblings–I wanted to make sure we were solid first. He had asked me to marry him in those early years, and I’d said “Maybe” because I wasn’t sure, then.
After some time together, the second time, we referred to each other as Life Partners, but weren’t sure if marriage was for us–why mess with a good thing? But in late spring of 2009, nearly eight years after our first date, we talked about it, and got officially engaged [with a formal question and response--romantic]. ;p
We figured, Why rush? We’re not hurry-ers! So we just took it easy and enjoyed being engaged for a long time, then slowly started talking about what we’d like our wedding to be like. And now, ‘finally’, we’re really planning, and getting ready to put down a venue deposit. And it feels right. We’re having fun talking about what songs we want to play, who we want involved, etc.
So, just wanted to let you, and other APW folks, know that there are other folks who have had a relationship come back, better than ever, from a hiatus that looked like a permanent end at the time. ;)
October 18, 2010 3:12 pm
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Well done, Sara. There’s nothing more important than being true to yourself.
And, Meg? APW is on fire this week.
April 8, 2010 9:39 am
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Well. It was new site. I didn’t want anyone to think I was going to play it safe, now, did I? ;)
April 8, 2010 5:45 pm
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As usual, an incredible piece of writing from a truly inspiring woman. I wish I would have had your courage and bravery 20 years ago before I married my first husband. I knew it wasn’t “right”, but went along with the wedding because I felt obligated – what a huge mistake! Live and learn, eh? Thanks for sharing your story with the world…I’ll be sending a link to my teenage daughters! :-)
April 8, 2010 9:46 am
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I commend your bravery. I wish my sister had the same courage. The months leading up to her wedding were filled with fights and tears all along the way. She had serious doubts and we all told her she didn’t have to get married if she didn’t want to. We would take care of everything. I think she felt that she was too deep in the planning, was embarrassed to admit defeat, and wanted to start a family soon. Now, three years later, they’re not even friends but trying to have a baby. They both want one so badly and think it will help the marriage somehow. I think betting their happiness on a child is a mean thing to do to an innocent kid. It’s a shame because they’re both super awesome loving individuals. They just don’t make a good match.
April 8, 2010 9:50 am
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Thank you for this post. I am a constant lurker on this site, but this post made me want to respond.
I, too, was a wedding drop-out almost three years ago. I had been in that relationship for nearly six years. While we loved each other, the decision to get married was made mainly for practical purposes – he needed a visa. The engagement was totally anti-climatic and disappointing. There was always this feeling of dread about the wedding; it made me feel so alone and anxious and terrified. Then, I didn’t know it was natural and common to have mixed feelings about marriage. It wasn’t just about the wedding, though. It was about the relationship, which had a lot of issues.
In the end, the engagement made me examine those issues very seriously. I had to ask myself really tough questions, and the answers I found scared me. The day I had to sign the contract on the wedding venue and the photographer, I had a break down – I couldn’t do it. I put the wedding on hold, but vowed that I would try to make it work.
Thing is, it takes two people to make a relationship work. I think, for many reasons, we couldn’t make that happen. Nine months later, I ended the relationship. Like Sara, I loved my fiance and wished him well. It was with extremely mixed feelings that I ended things, but I have no regrets about the decision. It was the 100% right thing to do and I shudder to think about what my life would be like now if we had gotten married.
I particularly want to echo Sara’s point #10. Life goes on. As a result of the whole thing, I got into therapy and am in a better place today than I ever was.
I love this blog because it provides a forum for all of the messy, joyful, complicated feelings about weddings and marriage. Thanks, Sara and Meg!
April 8, 2010 10:07 am
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I am so proud of you, Sara. You are strong. You are an amazing friend. You are going to be so much better than okay. <3
April 8, 2010 10:11 am
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Now that’s some good wisdom there. I admire your strength, just as I admire the strength of my friend who has been through a very similar thing.
April 8, 2010 10:12 am
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It’s been said before, but your story is powerful. Thank you for sharing it. It took great courage, but in the end, will help other women make the right decisions in their lives. Thank you for speaking up.
And Meg, I love this site. I’ve been happily married for more than eight months now and it’s still THE most compelling blog/website I read. It’s a ritual for me. Thank you. (And: I LOVE the redesign. Bravo.)
April 8, 2010 10:27 am
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In addition to the bajillion commenters who have already said, “Bless you and your courage,” I want to add mine. This was just a wonderful piece!
April 8, 2010 10:44 am
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Dearest Sara: Your honesty and courage is incredible – thank you so much for sharing your story and wisdom, and I wish you all the best from here on out. BIG hug! xo
You know, I seriously LOVE APW and the gutsy, smart, funny and real people that are in it. YEAH!
April 8, 2010 10:46 am
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Wow.. That took some serious bravery to write, and I cannot even begin to comprehend the bravery it took to actually do that.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I think it is so important for everyone to hear this. We all get so caught up in planning our weddings that feelings of doubt can get pushed to the side. Kudos to you for having the strength to confront your feelings head on.
Again, thank you for sharing that. It was really powerful.
April 8, 2010 10:54 am
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Thanks for sharing this Meg. You are so right – many of us have been there before.
April 8, 2010 11:15 am
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APW, and Sara…. FTW.
My cuppeth overfloweth with love for this website and all its wonderful readers and contributors.
love kat
April 8, 2010 11:21 am
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So much love to all of you ladies – it is necessary to be surrounded by such honesty and support through life’s difficult moments.
April 8, 2010 11:37 am
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I never used to read comments until now. The support, strength, and kudos given to the authors of each and every post are astounding. I’m glad I get to be part of that.
Sara- #7 and #9. Love it. Love it. Love it. How are we supposed to live a full life if we can’t let ourselves be sad when we need to be and grateful when we should? True brilliance you got there.
April 8, 2010 11:45 am
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this post was very sad, and yet happy at once – because let’s face it, there’s nothing worse than being stuck in a marriage that isn’t working. and what courage to be able to stand up for yourself and say, “hey, this isn’t working!” before it’s too late. my parents are divorced, and my mom saw warning signs before the marriage, but chose to ignore them. 5 years in and realized she was in an emotionally abusive situation with a 2 year old daughter. then she left to become a single parent. not that it has to be that drastic; maybe it just wasn’t right. but either way, it definitely takes strength and courage to realize that and make a definitive choice in the opposite of the intended direction (not to mention publish it for all of us to read).
and for those of us who are not in this situation, hopefully we can use this post as a way to take a moment out to recap and make sure that we are feeling sound in our relationships, remember why we wanted to get married to this person in the first place, and try to hold on tight to that, and not take it for granted!
April 8, 2010 1:04 pm
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Wow, Sara, if I could reach through here I would give you a huge hug, a beer, and a high-five. Thank you. I would be proud of anyone I knew who had to be brave and cancel their wedding/engagement-that’s so much stress all at once, and the prospect of losing not only sanity, but money in this economy is more than scary! Thank you for keeping your chin up, and for making it through to set a strong example. :)
Kudos to your gut as well, for keeping you so informed. :)
April 8, 2010 1:54 pm
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I have huge, HUGE respect for women (and men) who have the guts to take a close look at their relationship, even once a wedding date has been set, and who call off the wedding if it doesn’t feel right.
Thanks for your bravery in writing about this topic, Sara (and Meg). It’s so much more related to what weddings/marriage are about than every single post on the kn*t.
April 8, 2010 3:03 pm
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I think maybe we should always star that word out. Ha!
April 8, 2010 5:49 pm
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A lot of people told me I was brave for calling off my wedding two weeks before (not trying to one-up you or anything, Sara!). I thought, NO, I’m not brave, or I would have called it off a long time ago! I felt like I had to be pushed right up against the wall before I finally, finally made a decision.
I felt like a HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I did it. That’s how I knew I had made the right decision.
April 8, 2010 4:06 pm
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Thanks Sara. Just wanted to add my congratulations to facing such a situation and being able to write about it with such grace.
April 8, 2010 4:13 pm
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This is a great blog. I wish I had had the guts to walk away from my first wedding. I knew at the time that something was not right, but the wedding train was chugging along smoothly, my parents had already invested so much, and I had made a promise that I felt obligated to fulfill. Calling off the wedding would have been so, so much simpler and so much less painful (painful still, but less so) than living for 14 years in a marriage that was never right and going through the heart-rending pain and expense of divorce.
Kudos for recognizing when it was time to walk away and for the nerve to do so.
April 8, 2010 4:42 pm
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I have been engaged twice, but never married. It’s more than 20 years since I called off my second engagement. Now I know why I’ve been reading A Practical Wedding for so long. I belong here. Thank you, Sara. Thank you, Meg. Team Practical: you rock!
April 8, 2010 5:49 pm
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Thank you so much for sharing this! As others have mentioned, this post is exemplary of why I love APW – you don’t treat weddings like a poufy fantasy ball, but as the beginning (or end) of a complex relationship between two people. Good for you, Sara, for having the courage and sense of self to do what was right for you.
April 8, 2010 6:18 pm
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Wow, Sara, that last paragraph- the love and the missed connections and the timing… heartbreaking, but so inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story.
And, Meg, thank you for bringing together such smart, insightful, wonderful people. There is really no other place like this on the internet. Or anywhere, now that I think about it.
April 8, 2010 6:52 pm
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