When Sara (of the Meanest Look) wrote me to ask if I'd be interested in her writing about how she dealt with calling off her wedding, I said, "YES!!" in such an enthusiastic way that I think she was a little shocked. Because on one hand, yes, people don't like to think of unhappy endings in the middle of wedding planning. But on the other hand, I think there is power for all of us in discussing the taboo parts of weddings and marriages. BIG power. Because goodness knows, if you call off your wedding, you're at least supposed to be quiet about it. And f*ck being quiet about it. I know for a fact that Sara is not the only Team Practical member who has dealt with this, and none of you deserve to feel alone and isolated. Plus, well, I know this story (don't we all know this story?) mine didn't involve a ring, but it did involve a lot of painful wising up. And I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't had to pick up those bazillion pieces. So, wedding graduate or no wedding graduate, I'm on Sara's team. With that, I give you Sara, the Wedding Dropout (Yup. I said it):
Three or so weeks before my romantic, perfect, practical wedding was set to take place the whole shebang that I had spent countless hours coordinating, planning, etc. was called off.
By me.
You know cold feet? Well it was something more. It was a gut feeling that something just wasn’t right. It was more than a fleeting moment of doubt.
It just wasn’t right.
At the end of December, I called off my wedding and shit hit the fan. Having just gone through this a few months ago and looking back, what sort of advice can I offer to other wedding dropouts?
- First, slow everything down. Wedding planning is hectic and fast and harried and full of pressure from all kinds of places. Make sure you’re actually interested in the getting married bit of the wedding planning -that you want your relationship to have a forever home. Maybe you do. Maybe things are just moving too fast. That's all fine. Just take the time to be sure.
- Do your own dirty work. Even though friends and family may offer to call guest, caterers, hotels, etc for you, just do it yourself. You may cry through every one of those phone calls like I did, but owning the situation makes it so much easier.
- If you don't make those calls yourself and deal with it, then be ready for some seriously awkward situations. I chose to stick my head in the sand and tell only a few people. Word did not get around, so I had co-workers, acquaintances, friends, and family constantly asking if I "was getting excited for the big day" leading up to the date. I had about a million breakdowns every time that happened. It would have been much easier to just get it over with at once.
- Return gifts and money immediately. Include a thank you card and a personal note. Don’t be rude just because your plans have changed.
- The people who loved you before you were a bride-to-be will still love you once you are a Wedding Dropout. (thanks, Dad!) And feel free to have that frank conversation with them. I was surprised when my dad told me he doesn’t care if I ever get married. As long as I’m happy.
- Ask for your money back from vendors. You may be surprised at the compassion some people will have toward your situation.
- Live gratitude. Thank everyone around you for their support, their kindness, and time. You cannot thank them enough.
- Try therapy first. Pre-marital counseling, individual therapy. Whatever helps you sort your head out. We tried too little, too late and then it just imploded on our efforts. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage work and therapy will help you know if you and your partner are on the same page or if dropping out is the right path.
- Feel free to fall apart. It’s okay, really. I waited too long to get in touch with what I was really feeling and it led to some dark days. Mourn, make peace with your decision and begin to move on. And cry all you want, girlfriend.
- You will be okay. The “was to be wedding day” was really hard. My stubborn ass went to the place we were going to have the reception and had a party with my besties. I had a “confirmed bachelorette” party a few weeks before. Those are memories I’ll always have with my friends. And I laughed at myself, which helped. Immeasurably. It's more than okay to laugh while crying.
Life goes on. It's hard but you can make it through if I did. It will feel like your entire world has fallen in. Cause it sort of has, but the thing is, you can rebuild. And you'll know how to make a stronger foundation next time. And there will be a next time. I promise.
And now the very personal part. Did I love my Fiancée? Yes, without a doubt. Did he love me? Absolutely. Do I still love him? Yes, and will for a very long time. Did I want to work things out at first? No. Did he? Yes. After a little time went by did I want things to work out? Yes. Did he? No. So I cried some more. What made all this practical, sane and creative? I followed my heart. Into the engagement and out.
Thank you, Sara, for sharing your story! You aren’t alone. I’m a wedding drop-out, too, and it is so helpful to know that I’m not the only one feeling this particular strain of heartbreak. Meg: this is why APW is the only wedding-related blog I still read. You freaking rock.
April 8, 2010 7:02 pm
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Thank you Sara and to everyone for your stories and comments. I just called off my wedding 5 days ago (we are 6 weeks out till d-day) and I happened to stumble across this post. I too love my fiance very much and he loves me, but we weren’t getting along very well and we had dated for 5 years plus tried counseling. We feel so comfortable together which makes it very hard, but I don’t want to marry for comfort. I’m lucky in that within hours of calling it off he was able to admit he had been feeling the same way, but however lucky I am it does not make things easy by any means. I am still crying about 30% of the day and want to change my mind nearly every 10 minutes but we’ve agreed that when one or both of us becomes week to help each other remain true to ourselves. I hope I get through this (especially the housing situation since we own a house together) and truly am happier when it’s all said and done. Maybe some day I will meet the man that truly is the right fit for me.
September 1, 2011 1:34 pm
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Keep the faith. Happiness and love is out there for you. I think the best thing I learned was that I needed to surround myself with love to heal. Friends, family and I needed to invest in being a loving person to those around me. Nearly 2 years later, I have an amazing life bursting at the seams with love and happiness. I wish strength and comfort for you. And hugs, so many hugs!
September 28, 2011 8:12 am
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So brave! So right! Thank you…
April 8, 2010 7:42 pm
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Wow, this was really well written. It’s a hard process to go through and it’s brave and wonderful of you to share it on APW, it may help so many other would-be-brides out. Thank you for opening up to us all.
April 8, 2010 8:56 pm
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Beautifully written, and a very important story. Thank you for sharing!
April 8, 2010 10:07 pm
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My stubborn ass went to the place we were going to have the reception and had a party with my besties.
Actually, a friend of mine did that as well. Her venue said that she couldn’t cancel without losing a hefty deposit, but if she instead wanted to turn it into a smaller affair, they would work with her. So, she had a swanky sit-down dinner for her 25th birthday, complete with an open bar. Not a wedding, but she was glowing that evening, and that’s what counts.
April 9, 2010 5:44 am
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Thank you for this.
April 9, 2010 7:18 am
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First of all, thank you for sharing, Sara. It’s a very intense and deeply personal experience that becomes painfully public; thank you so much for sharing your advice.
Try therapy first. Pre-marital counseling, individual therapy. Whatever helps you sort your head out. We tried too little, too late and then it just imploded on our efforts. It takes a lot of hard work to make a marriage work and therapy will help you know if you and your partner are on the same page or if dropping out is the right path.
THIS. This, this, this, this THIS. My fiance and I have been dating for ten years, since high school. Quite frankly, we’ve grown up together. Going through all those life experiences together is amazing, but also strenuous. We’ve had our fair share of rough patches in our relationship, and we have our own individual issues. We’ve been going to a couple’s therapist for a little while now, and I like to say (only partly tongue in cheek) that it’s made us argue better. It’s helped us communicate, helped us expose our weak spots and our strengths. We can point them out and be aware of what we need to work on as a couple.
I’ve been through therapy individually in the past (seasonal depression and anxiety, whee!), and it’s absolutely helped me. Our couples counseling was my fiance’s first foray into therapy, and now he’s decided to do some individual counseling as well. It’s helped to peel back the layers of our relationship, after what it’s become after ten years, and it’s so helpful.
Even if each of you is really stable and your relationship is great, doing a few pre-marital sessions could really be helpful. And I’m not talking about counseling sessions with a religious figure (we’re doing some with our minister this summer)– counseling with a licensed therapist. Even just a “round” of therapy can be helpful; we initially said we would start with only six sessions and would allow ourselves to stop (we’re still going every other week because it’s been so helpful).
I’m really, really proud of what we’ve done over the past couple months, and it has made our relationship so much stronger. We all have doubts, we all wonder about this whole “for the REST of our LIVES” thing, and therapy can be an invaluable tool for jump starting conversations and connections that can really build up a relationship.
April 9, 2010 9:29 am
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[...] from my first husband. Tony had divorced his first wife four years earlier. Yesterday, A Practical Wedding ran a thoughtful post by a woman who called off her wedding, which got me thinking about why I am [...]
April 9, 2010 10:25 am
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I had a friend call off a wedding 3 weeks out, and my group of friends around here (who are generally more traditional) were all shocked. They couldn’t believe someone would do that, and even admitted they would still follow through with the wedding rather than face up to the problems/anger/judging/etc. by calling it off (no, seriously – WTF?!?)
I couldn’t believe them! I think it takes major guts to realize when it just isn’t right and then be brave enough to stand up and DO something about it.
The dumpee in that instance is now engaged to a MUCH BETTER fit for him, and the break-it-off-er is also much happier. So it WAS the right thing to do!
April 9, 2010 12:22 pm
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Thank you all so much! (le blush) On the days that are hardest, I’ll have your kind and compassionate words to get me through. And greatest thank you to Meg, for letting me share my story. Cheers to the beauty in love, sadness and sharing honestly!
April 9, 2010 2:19 pm
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beautiful post. heart is feeling gratitude for sara, for meg for an entire team of amazingly honest, bright, funny, smart and compassionate women. thank you.
April 9, 2010 2:25 pm
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This is an amazing post. Thank you.
April 9, 2010 8:06 pm
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LOVE the honesty of this post. I am a now married, but a former wedding drop-out. It takes so much courage to do what you did. Bravo!
April 10, 2010 4:38 pm
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I am so frequently impressed with the amazing people that hang around here. I would just like to remind everyone to continue getting down with their bad selves!
April 11, 2010 11:25 am
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Gorgeous, brave post. Thank you.
April 11, 2010 2:44 pm
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Seriously. My antennae have been up in terms of the transition. I’m waiting for, like, the for-pay members-only part or the part where an ad jumps onto the page like its a trampoline or the part where I get bored. Now, I can point those antennae at someone else. This post is bomb-tastic. Can you now please make a list of every taboo wedding topic ever and proceed to cover them all???
April 11, 2010 4:54 pm
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Send me the list.
And people wondered why I didn’t take the first week off…. THIS is why.
April 11, 2010 6:36 pm
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The part of wedding planning that sheds light on a seriously troubled love one (let’s say, oh, an alcoholic father) who disowns you because of your marriage/ mate? (Not a lot out there on this one)
April 15, 2010 8:04 am
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marvelous post, better comments….. let´s shed light on the less traveled paths… it will be worthy
April 12, 2010 2:07 am
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[...] post over at APW is about a sensitive subject that a lot of folks don’t talk about… wedding dropouts. There is a ton of information online about how to plan a wedding, how awesome and fun it is, [...]
April 13, 2010 8:06 am
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This post inspired me to write about my own experience as a Wedding Dropout on our blog. Thanks for breaking the silence. :) http://bearandhoney.net/2010/04/13/tomboy-bride-wedding-dropout/
April 13, 2010 8:10 am
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Thank you for this. It is so timely. Last week my fiance and I ran headlong in to a brick wall during our premarital counseling. We’ve known each other a year and our engagement is six months — so there are still lots of things we need to learn about each other. Our pastor is wonderful and is working with us. We don’t know what we will decide as we continue on this journey. It’s been both a rough and glorious week in our relationship. It’s good to know that there are survivors should things fall a part.
April 13, 2010 3:47 pm
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Bravo for you, girl. Wonderful post.
Thank you for your courage and honesty, because you know what? The thing nobody wants to say is that plenty of marriages that shouldn’t happen do anyway, and it takes serious guts to sign yourself up for that heartache.
In the end though, there’s no question.
Sending you lots of e-hugs!
T
April 15, 2010 7:58 am
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Thank you for writing this Sara – so so much.
Almost four years ago I was engaged, married, and divorced within two years. There were so many factors contributing to the madness during that time: I was young, yes. I was excited, without a doubt. I was scared, shitless. And I was in love … with the idea of us.
I’ll never truly understand why it happened the way it did. Retrospect is wonderfully refreshing and incredibly frightening all at the same time. I guess I was caught in a gust of emotion that never really allowed me the chance to step back, breathe, and define my path. What I do know is that my perception of marriage and what it takes to maintain a strong one has changed entirely over the past few years. When my ex proposed, my parents took a step backwards and decided to part ways. In addition to a slightly-shaken foundation, I planned the wedding during my senior year of college, with a fiance who loved me … but didn’t “get” me. I’d started a new job with new friends and was beginning to understand myself and my personal needs. I spent most of our engagement convincing myself that those needs still included him. I even had a dream I’d walked down the aisle, only with someone else.
I wish I could say that I listened to my gut the way Sara did. Instead, I listened to my friends, to stories of cold feet, to my fiance’s pleading during my personal moments of doubt … and finally, on our day, I was listening to thunder, lightening, and rain-pour. I’m not superstitious ladies – not a bit – but dark rain clouds situated directly atop a Temecula winery in 108-degree heat? Bizarre, extraordinary, and very very scary to a girl who just put too much time, money, and emotion into one big day. As I was putting on my dress the lights actually went out. Three times. There were other things too of course … and I wanted to call it all off, I wanted to run.
But we were married and I was happy. Actually, I think it’s safe to say that he and I were at our best for the next six months. He was more loving and less angry – I was more understanding and less demanding. Then one morning I woke up sweating like crazy. I spent days wondering what was wrong with me. I had wanted kids – and he was talking kids – but something was terribly wrong. I didn’t see children or family or a future with the man laying next to me. I did see a friend, my very best friend. I loved him, but not in the way he or I deserved. In the end, I didn’t want to compromise his chance for real happiness or my own. Could we have worked it out? Maybe. Would it have been the right thing for myself, my husband, and our future little people? Not a chance.
I’m 27 now and engaged to the incredible guy in that dream … the one I saw a future with four years too early. I have such mixed feelings when I have to tell people how it happened, what I felt. Some people looked at me like I’d lost it, like I was a glowing example of the frivolous, thoughtless youth of our time. I sometimes thought that of myself in more disheartened, self-critical moments.
I’m so happy to say that my ex-husband is now married to a beautiful girl. It wasn’t easy and there was plenty of shouting, crying and pleading along the way. But I knew there was someone better for him. I knew that he deserved to be loved by someone the way he thought he loved me. Most of all though, I’m thankful that I mustered up enough strength to leave us – maybe not at the most appropriate or conventional time – but in my own time and for very valid reasons.
For all the gals out there who just aren’t sure – there’s no rush. Breeaaaathe deeply and LISTEN to yourself. The only person you have to answer to at the end of every day is you, so make decisions that reflect your spirit, beliefs and personal needs. You cannot love anyone fully until you learn to love, respect and appreciate yourself.
Lots of love to what appears to be a very intriguing and special groups of ladies!
May 5, 2010 4:22 pm
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This article and your response are so honest and so real. I am currently engaged to a great guy who has been my best friend for these past 5 years. After becoming engaged, these fears and doubts started to creep in, and I am at the point of questioning everything. I’ve grappled with this for months and I am truly confused – should I stay or should I go? I feel like a fool! Like, who gets to this point in a relationship and NOW has doubts?
Thank you for recognizing your feelings, for saying it is OK to feel this way, and that there are options. It’s not easy, but you will come away a whole new outlook.
October 12, 2010 9:11 am
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When I read this article a few weeks ago I thought wow, what a strong woman that is. And I was grateful that everything about our upcoming wedding felt to right. I said a little prayer of gratitude. Now, 8 days before our wedding, my fiance has decided that he may not want to go through with it. I’m devastated…and hopeful…and I feel sick. Mostly I’m hopeful that this is just ‘cold feet’ and he’ll realize that. But if not (oh god, I don’t want to even think of this), I know I’ll be ok somehow. So right now, my wedding gown that my mother, sister and grandmother loving helped me customize is hanging in the closet. And I’m just walking around in a daze of “what’s next”. So Meg and Sara, thank you for being so real all the time about everything. I was drowning in all the other pretty, perfect wedding blogs. And that’s just not real life.Truly, thank you.
May 10, 2010 6:03 am
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Sara, thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU! Words really cannot describe my admiration, empathy and pride for you and the fact you share your story so candidly.
June 5, 2010 10:33 pm
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I don’t think it’s strange that people sometimes realize the most that something is wrong, when they are already planning the wedding. When you get engaged and start thinking about a wedding, that’s when often it really hits you, that you are going to commit to a life with this person. I believe that this realization can sometimes make everything more clear, good things as well as bad things in your relationship.
The idea however is usually that once you are engaged, that means your relationship must be great, and so people try to avoid thinking hard about their problems and issues. Don’t fall in this trap! Listen to every hunch, feeling, cold feet, everything, even if you are sure your relationship is great. Use these feelings to work on your relationship, or to realize that it just isn’t right. And don’t feel stupid that you’re only realizing certain things after your engagement, I really believe this is normal!
June 10, 2010 9:41 am
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[...] from one cat per person, on a wedding/ marriage website when I told the story of calling off my own wedding. Aww, tender, I know. Meh, weddings are weird. I feel like there is one nearly every weekend once [...]
July 15, 2010 8:22 am
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Sara – I just wanted to comment and say that reading this post and the follow up posts on your blog helped give me the courage to stand by my convictions and address the nasty gut feeling I have been feeling since I was engaged 11 months ago. Earlier this week, I called off my engagement to my ex-fiance (someone I’d dated/been engaged to/lived with for 4.5 years) and now in the messy throes of figuring out where to live and how to rebuild my life. There’s a lot of hurt and awkwardness and it’s been hard and scary and sad but I feel this overwhelming sense of peace with my decision. As hard as breaking up is, I feel like it’s so much more reaffirming and brave and juicy to follow your gut out of a situation that seems wrong. I am sad to have lost the person who I loved for so long; I was scared that I would lose all my friends; I have no idea where this road will lead me, but I just wanted to thank you for being brave, and beyond that – for sharing your story, because I had a really hard time finding “role models” in my situation. I wish you the best of luck, and THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
July 28, 2010 7:47 am
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I got married in 2004, in the lead up to my wedding i knew i was making a huge mistake, i loved my fiance but i also knew that our relationship wouldn’t make it. I was 22 and he was 23 and we just weren’t ready for marriage. 2 years later we seperated. I just didn’t know what to do, i was scared and confused and couldn’t see a way out. I wish i’d had the courage to call it off before the wedding, it would have been hard but not as hard as going through with a divorce.
I’m now 29 and getting married in 7 weeks to an incredible man and i know i’ve got it right this time, it feels so different leading up to our wedding, i’m so excited i’m walking around with a smile on my face all the time and i know this is how it’s meant to be! Thank you for sharing your story.
September 16, 2010 3:41 am
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Thank you for writing and sharing such a brave post. It is good to have reminders to check in with yourself, and your comfort level. Cheers.
October 18, 2010 3:00 pm
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Thank you for this post. I’m a wedding drop out myself. I called off my wedding about 2.5 months to the day it was suppose to happen. I’m roughly a month out from when my wedding day would have been. Your post has made me feel so much less alone. Thank you for sharing your story.
October 30, 2010 7:43 pm
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I was engaged to a guy for over a year and relocated to another country to be with him. He ended up cheating on me, and because of that and other behaviors, I decided to break up with him. We had not gotten very far in the wedding planning (probably because we both had our doubts about the relationship) but it still sucked having to explain the breakup to friends and family members who expected us to get married.
Luckily my closest friends and relatives were very understanding and encouraged me in my decision-making.
It’s been about a year since the break-up and I’m so grateful I didn’t get married to him. Sure, it hurts to lose someone and your imagined future together, but I’d rather it be with the right person.
November 27, 2010 5:51 pm
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Thank you for sharing! My former fiance said to me at breakfast the day after my dress arrived (4 weeks out) that “He loved me, he loved me more every day, but he didn’t think he could marry me” That was crushing. We set about “postponing” our wedding, his word, mine was canceling. We we were locked into a lease until a month after our wedding date at which time we had planned to move to where he was going to grad school. We continued living together till then. We went to counseling, we had long talks on our balcony over clove cigarettes. What we learned was we really were moving on from that part of our lives. Closing that chapter.
I hurt, I cried, I lost 15 pounds. My boss offered to not let him in the store. I was surrounded by supportive people, but I was sort of walking like a zombie for a good while.
When my new fiance and I got engaged this summer my dad gave me the biggest hug with tears in his eyes said “It is good to have you back.”
That piece of me that spark that had faded had come back. Not because I found a new guy but because I found how to survive and be happy. That happiness is what drew in my new guy.
“Do I still love him? Yes, and will for a very long time.”
Thank you for being brave enough to say this. Not everyone understands in my life, it is nice to find people that do. For yes, I still love former fiance, but does that diminish the love I have for the man I am Marrying this summer. Not. One. Bit. I knew after our first date he was the man I would marry. Never in the time planning the first wedding did I have such strong convictions.
December 23, 2010 9:11 am
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I discovered this post months ago while in the middle of painfully crushing engagement anxiety, and the relief I get from Sara and subsequent comments never ceases. Thank you for sharing your experience as well.
I have since called off my engagement, and things are hard, especially this time of the year. On days where I really miss ‘us’, and I wonder what my future holds, I appreciate stories like this that give a realistic picture of what a ‘happy ending’ really is.
I, too, will probably always love my ex-FI. We both shared a wonderfully unique relationship and learned so much about and from one another.
December 27, 2010 11:33 am
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Life is gritty. It takes a lot of bravery to listen to your gut, really assess things, and change course. I’m glad you are able to find peace and clarity, even amongst pain and upheaval. I wish you the best.
January 31, 2011 11:04 am
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Oh, Darling, you are so brave! It is so important to do what your heart tells you to do, and that you followed your heart even though it was so tough makes you a crusader for love! Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
September 26, 2011 6:40 pm
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You are so right, Alyssa. Only I didn’t know it at the time. It really was an act of love to not get married. We’re both so much better off. Yay Love!
September 28, 2011 8:13 am
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[...] you realize you don’t want your relationship to have a forever home, call off your wedding. It’s easier to call off a wedding than a marriage, and when you say [...]
October 18, 2011 9:33 pm
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Thank you for such an honest post. Heartbreaking and eye-opening.
I find it’s hard to tell when you’re in the middle of all of the planning and wedding frenzy hype whether it’s stress and cold feet, or if you are having doubts about the marriage.
I know sometimes even though I have always been dreaming of my big day, I often feel like it might not be what I actually want. I want a life that is full and a marriage that is more often than not, happy. I look to the relationships that have shaped my views on marriage and realize in order for it to be successful you have to be committed to eachother as a team. It has nothing to do with your wedding colours or how fancy the meal is.
I love the APW helps you be okay with this, even if it means that marriage wasn’t what you wanted in the first place. I think the wedding industry puts WAY too much enphasis on ONE day on not on preparing for a lifelong relationship. This is why I love APW.
November 2, 2011 1:04 pm
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In case you aren’t familiar with my updates, dropping out of my wedding was the best decision I have ever made. I love my life, couldn’t possibly be happier, and have found love in a way I never even knew was possible. <3
November 17, 2011 1:26 pm
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“Did I want to work things out at first? No. Did he? Yes. After a little time went by did I want things to work out? Yes. Did he? No.”
This was me- except it was a marriage I called off instead of a wedding. I should have called off the wedding; I almost did but caved and we suffered for two years because of it.
You are one brave, brave lady.
And I’m so glad to hear your update! Yay!
February 15, 2012 10:37 am
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