This weekend David graduated from Law School. And while I’ve written a lot about our wedding, and very little about law school, on Friday I David and I were exhausted cuddling on the couch, and I said, “This is the biggest thing we’ve ever done together,” and he agreed.
And it is.
It’s not that I did law school, because I didn’t. In fact, for the majority of the last three years, I was so stressed out that I didn’t even listen very hard when he talked about criminal procedure or California’s second degree federal murder rule. But.
When David and I started dating, five and a half years ago, we were 23 and 24, broke, living in New York, and both working in Theatre. Actually, the exact day that we started dating we were both unemployed, but I digress. Over the next two years, David tried to figure out what he wanted to do, and moved from a professional theatre job to a legal job. And he loved it. And then we discussed law school, and we discussed where we both might be willing to move for law school, and we discussed LSAT courses. And then we moved into the action phase – LSAT course taken (him), LSAT weekends spent making solo plans (me), law schools applied to (him), hands held and anxiety soothed (me), law school acceptances and rejections received (him), breath held – prayers said – tears shed (us), law school selected (him in theory, but really, us).
Then boxes were packed, jobs were quit, Penske trucks were rented, toasts were made, decade long friendships were cried over, cross country trips were taken, new apartments searched for, new jobs were found, new friends were made (us).
Then studying was done, tests were taken, grades were given, accolades were earned, new law schools were applied to, transfer applications were accepted, tears were shed, friends were missed, the-smartest-decisions-for-the-future-we-think-but-man-it-hurts were made, daily commutes were commenced (him).
And did I mention? The economy collapsed. Things got sh*tty, fast. I was stressed, I didn’t always love my job, I worked all the time. But I had the benefits and the earnings, and as savings got eaten up by law school tuition, the burden of paying rent, keeping on the lights, keeping us fed, and keeping us insured, increasingly fell to me. And it was really hard. It turns out being the sole breadwinner is unimaginably stressful, especially when you are watching the economy collapse in slow motion around you. But I did it, and it also turns out that being the breadwinner as the economy collapses in slow motion around you gives you a tremendous sense of pride and self worth. Almost as much pride and self worth as a well earned prestigious degree.
And now we’re done. We both, in our own ways, worked our asses off for Friday. And in the past three (or really four) years, we both learned a lot, both about ourselves and about the world. And when the words, “I now confer on you a JD, with all the rights and privileges therein” were said on Friday, I cried. When we walked from party to party in North Beach on Friday, looking at the moon on the bay and Coit Tower by night, the air crackled with possibility – not just the possibilities of the future, but with the possibilities achieved. And when we attended our friends’ graduation in downtown city hall on Sunday, even more tears were shed, and hugs were given. And what had just happened felt enormous.
We didn’t plan a wedding kids, we started a life. Together.
Pictures: #1 – After Sunday’s Graduation, taken by me; #2 Us at the end of the weekend, taken by a friend. Yes. They are real Polaroids.
Congratulations to both of you!!
May 17, 2010 4:36 am
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This is amazing. Congratulations to both of you!
My fiance and I may be in a similar situation you and David were in 3 or 4 years ago. We’re scared, but it’s always good to see people come out even more connected than they were before. I always tell Josh (who is kind of in a rough spot right now) “It’s not just you anymore, it’s us. Don’t feel like you need to do anything alone.” And it’s true. It’s “us” and it’s “we” and it kicks ass.
May 17, 2010 4:45 am
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Yes, exactly. I tell my man the same thing. He’s about to get out of the military and go to school full time, which means that it will be the first time since he was 18 that he won’t be earning his own cash. (He’s 25). Which is scary, bigtime scary, and I can completely understand his anxiety about it.
But it’s not just him anymore. It’s us, together. And, as you said, Angie, “us” kicks ass. :)
May 18, 2010 2:34 pm
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As someone about to marry a full-time student and looking ahead to the next 3-4 years with a sense of dread and excitement for the end result, I really want to print this post and keep it handy for the days when I wonder what the heck I got myself into. This is so amazing and strengthening and wonderful. Congrats to you both!
May 17, 2010 5:00 am
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Congratulations! That’s really exciting! We kind of went through the same thing as Leah just graduated with her MSW – and just as she started grad school two years ago, I was let go from my job (mortgage industry!)
I eventually found a job, we got married, and then somehow, we’re now on the other side of all those school years and look at how exciting life is for all of us :-)
Congratulations to you both!
May 17, 2010 5:04 am
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I was on the verge of clicking ‘exactly’ when I realized that what I wanted to say was not ‘exactly’ but more explicitly I had no idea how BIG starting a life together is, how HUGE this decision to uproot your lives and start over somewhere new is until we did it. And it’s really great because the decision itself was easy–i.e. If you’re going, of course, I’m going–but the implications are huge. Yes, we’ve been dating. Yes, we’d been living together. No, we hadn’t confronted the big issues of intertwining our finances or even marriage. But then we decided to move, and my father began hyphenating the term “boyfriend-fiance” because “where he comes from such a decision implies some greater commitment.” And even if we aren’t engaged, he is right that we are building a life together. And it is a big deal.
May 17, 2010 5:06 am
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Thankyou for writing this! I have been thinking of you and David this week and how momentous it all must feel. Congratulations! And best wishes for the life and work and amazing adventures ahead, post-JD graduation! Can’t wait to hear what happens next…
(And yes, law school was *not* a good place to be when the economy crashed. I was just in the applying for jobs stage. Very. Bad. But so much better on the other side, pretty much, now.)
PS I moved from the realm of pre-engaged to fully properly engaged this weekend – so excited!! Hooray for ‘us’ and ‘we’ and the rest of our lives!
May 17, 2010 5:28 am
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Congratulations on the “proper” engagement!
May 17, 2010 5:03 pm
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Congratulations! Your description of starting a life together is so moving, but the beauty and joy in the picture of the two of you actually made me gasp.
May 17, 2010 6:17 am
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Congratulations! I just sent this to Todd– we’re embarking on this journey, soon, except I will be the student. We’ve budgeted and planned, but it is still a bit scary (mostly exciting).
Two years from now, I hope to feel like you do this week! Congratulations to you both, and many more adventures to come….
May 17, 2010 6:18 am
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Congratulations to you both!
May 17, 2010 6:20 am
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Hooray! Congrats! It was beautiful to hear how it all felt…
May 17, 2010 6:35 am
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Congratulations! I know what a huge deal this is for the both of you- I just graduated on Friday with my Au.D. and my fiance kept saying that it was his graduation too. He moved with me to TN four years ago for grad school and finally getting that diploma in hand was as much for “us” as it was for “me”. He supported me both emotionally and financially through the past 4 years; he was the one who had to deal with my panic/stress/crying when I felt like I was barely keeping on top of my school work. As stressful as grad school was for me, he had to bear the brunt of that stress so finally being finished means that our lives can finally start for real.
May 17, 2010 6:41 am
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Where in TN? I’m in TN too!
Congratulations on your graduation!
May 17, 2010 12:49 pm
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Well I’m back in MD now (and about to move to OR) but we were living in Nashville while I was in school at Vanderbilt. You?
Thanks!
May 18, 2010 6:37 am
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woot! congrats :-)
also, I absolutely love the dress you’re wearing. very cute!
May 17, 2010 7:05 am
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And the shoes! Those are *gorgeous* shoes, Meg!
May 17, 2010 3:48 pm
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Thank you. You can’t actually see the cool side in this photo. They are 70′s vintage mary janes, and the strap crosses diagonally (so it’s really low on the proper side).
Fun!
Yeah, and this was a dress I bought 2 sizes too big and got taken in. I’m BAD like that.
May 27, 2010 5:37 pm
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This was amazing. A HUGE congratulations to the both of you.
May 17, 2010 7:36 am
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Yay!!! Congratulations!!!
I can completely relate- Andrew (fiance) is waiting to hear about grad school. If he gets in, finishes, it will be a life decision that I helped him make that by the end, will have taken four years to complete. and I will be SO glad to have helped him accomplish that together.
Many Blessings!
May 17, 2010 7:37 am
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Hee! I’m also engaged to an Andrew who’s about to start a PhD program. Do we need a support group?
Thanks so much for writing this post, Meg. It said some of the things I needed to hear in the few weeks before my boy’s program begins. Best of luck to you both!
July 3, 2010 7:44 pm
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I want to write some long comment about how I can totally relate and how hard it can be but really I should be saying is CONGRATS!!! Your baby family is a little more grown up now that there is a Law School graduate!!
May 17, 2010 7:45 am
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having recently had a mini-meltdown about money, this post was wonderful to read. it’s harder than I imagined, being the primary earner while he’s in grad school, but it’s going to be so amazing when we come out on the other side.
great big congrats to both of you!! also, love the polaroids. they really multiply the romance x 100.
May 17, 2010 7:50 am
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Congratulations! My fiance and I are in the same boat, except the roles are reversed. He’s supported me through law school for the past 3 years (and really the year before as we endured everything you mentioned), and I am about to graduate next week. It’s been grueling, both for me and him. But he gamely stepped up to the plate and has been 100% supportive. I consider myself extremely lucky that I’ve found someone who is willing to move halfway across the country so I can pursue my goals . . . and it sounds like David is extremely lucky as well!
May 17, 2010 7:59 am
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What a beautiful reminder of how much more there is to marriage than the wedding itself. Congratulations to both of you!!!
May 17, 2010 8:21 am
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Congratulations! And the journey just begins!
May 17, 2010 8:32 am
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I think this is my favorite post ever. Really, really happy for your both.
May 17, 2010 8:46 am
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my love and i are experiencing a similar “big-ness”…except everywhere you write law school, insert medical school. I graduate from med school in two weeks…four days AFTER i become the wife of my best friend, Tommy….and then four days after my graduation we pick up our entire lives and move to New York for my residency.
it’s a lot of big stuff. the biggest stuff actually.
May 17, 2010 8:59 am
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Wow! Congratulations on all of that! I’m sure it’s hard to handle all at once, but it’s all such great stuff that I hope you’re enjoying it (in between moments of stress)!
May 18, 2010 3:57 am
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I love this post, I love those pictures, and a HUGE congrats to your husband – and to you, and your relationship together – for making it through law school. That is such a Really Big Deal. =)
May 17, 2010 8:59 am
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Hmm, so it is possible for an unemployed theater type to develop an interest in work that pays you and gives you health insurance and takes place in (gasp) an OFFICE?
Not that I might (ahem) be dating someone like that, but this is comforting news.
Congratulations to the two of you on accomplishing something so great together!
May 17, 2010 9:02 am
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Mazal Tov to both of you- you are blessed for all that has brought you to this moment!
May 17, 2010 9:16 am
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Congratulation! Such a big wonderful thing to have been achieved by you both.
My only point of contention is to suggest that getting married wasn’t the start of a life together, but an acknowledgment of your commitment to each other, and the continuation of it as husband and wife. But that’s just my perspective. : )
Reading your posts, especially in this week before my own wedding, fills my heart with joy, and strength, and reminds me why my fiance and I are doing this thing. Thank you Meg.
May 17, 2010 9:29 am
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But that is the point of the post. Of course marraige wasn’t the start of our life together. We’d been together five years when we got married, and David was almost done with law school….
May 17, 2010 11:35 am
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Yay! Congrats! I just graduated from law school as well, am getting married this summer, and am moving to a not-as-exciting-location-as-San-Fran to financially and emotionally support my soon-to-be husband through his last few years of medical school! Thanks so much for your insightful and perspective-giving posts!
May 17, 2010 9:34 am
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Congratulations!
As other have said, this is a comforting post to read and offers a nice little slice of perspective, especially as I’m in the early stages of planning my own wedding and wondering how on Earth we’re going to be able to pull it off along with the stresses of work, money, and time. My fiancee and I are in the midst of an extended low-earning period, with her getting her teaching credential and me acting as primary breadwinner – even though I ain’t earnin’ much bread. But we have a silver lining on the horizon.
Clouding that silver lining is the looming expense of our wedding next summer, however, but I feel more and more confident we will be able to do it for under $10,000 with the help of all your amazing advice, and other awesome blogs as well.
Perhaps what I love most about your blog, and your perspective on love and marriage, is how you view it all as a “team sport,” so to speak – I so appreciate how you view his graduation from law school as a challenge the two of you undertook together. It sounds so obvious, at times, but the attitude that a marriage is a partnership and a family is worth reiterating, and is an attitude I cannot even fathom not having with my fiancee.
May 17, 2010 9:34 am
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Congratulations to you as well! And I absolutely think that “the attitude that a marriage is a partnership and a family” is one of APW’s most-repeated–and most important–maxims. So, welcome!
May 18, 2010 4:02 am
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ps- depending on where you’re located, it can so totally be done for under $10K.
May 18, 2010 4:03 am
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Can I just say that I love that this post has also brought some of the men out of the woodwork? I also really appreciate your comment for that very reason. Maybe it’s because I went through my own struggle of gathering my teaching credential while my partner supported me (although from a distance). I also want to show this to my partner that he’s not alone as a man in this “team sport.”
May 19, 2010 7:33 pm
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I felt the same way when my husband graduated medical school! Such an amazing feeling. I went back to school his last year of medical school and the year before our wedding (holy, tight fiances). While I’m still in school it is such a relief to have someone else working too. Congratulations to you both!
May 17, 2010 9:40 am
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Huge. Monumental. Life and identity altering. Well done to both of you! For the graduating, surviving and being excellent role models!
May 17, 2010 9:42 am
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This was so comforting to read. Neither my fiance and I are in grad school, but when we’ve discussed it, he has automatically shut it down as impossible. We don’t really know what we want to do just yet, but I hope when we get there, we can make the necessary sacrifices it will take to make us stronger as a unit, just like you and yours. Congrats to both of you!
May 17, 2010 9:44 am
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Congratulations! I’m six months into my PhD here in Wales, and although I still work part-time, the financial responsibilities fall harder on my Mister, just as they have through my last two degrees…so big hugs to David for his achievement (seriously law? law is *hard*! Well done) but big hugs to you for all your hard work, and as the David of my twosome we studying freeloaders are so very, very grateful.
May 17, 2010 9:51 am
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Just beautiful.
May 17, 2010 9:55 am
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Um, tears. “We didn’t plan a wedding kids, we started a life. Together.”
A-freaking-MEN!
May 17, 2010 9:58 am
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Congratulations to both of you. My law school graduation was yesterday, and I know that you and my girlfriend and all of the partners had just as much work and stress and heartache as we did. It’s definitely something to be so proud of accomplishing together.
May 17, 2010 10:06 am
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Love this! Congrats!As my fiance’ and I are preparing for him to go back to school for his Master’s in Physical Therapy this is an encouraging and meaningful post. You rock Meg!
May 17, 2010 10:13 am
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So proud of both of you! My fiance was trying to go to dental school, so for the last two years, I’ve been the primary bread winner. It certainly is stressful! Especially with planning a wedding at the same time. I don’t know how we’re going to make it (especially since we have to move this summer, which means I have to save up more for our moving costs. keeps me up at night). Amid all of this, he decided he’s not going to dental school after all. In theory, it’s great timing, as he realized he wants to contribute more than just an increasing amount of student loans to our burgeoning family. However, because of the economy, it’s not as easy as we/he thought it would be.
Your story gives me hope. Hope that one day (soon!?) we’ll be where you are now. This story is like a light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t wait to be there!
Keep us posted on what it’s like when the bread winning balance shifts back towards the middle? I’m curious to know what that’s like…Thanks for sharing this!
May 17, 2010 10:14 am
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Yea!! Congratulations! Parabéns!!
May 17, 2010 10:25 am
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Hooray! Congratulations to Team Meg and David and their awesome accomplishments. I loved this description of how school was a joint effort.
May 17, 2010 10:38 am
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Yay! Congratulations to you and David! It’s encouraging to see a couple that’s weathered such a big thing together and come out smiling.
My fiance takes the MCAT in June, and is applying for early admission to his dream school in the fall. By Christmas, we will know what newly-wed life will look like. Either four years of med school for him, with me as the somehow bread-winner. Or the two of us spending our first year just working, while he “takes a year off” to regroup and reapply. Or start a masters program instead, or….something.
I love hearing from everyone. You hear so much doom and gloom that it’s nice to hear from people who are brave enough to bite the bullet, people who’s love for each other is sound and tough, not flighty and overly romanticized.
May 17, 2010 10:45 am
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just wanted to say good luck! i met my fiance the exact same week he started med school, so even though i wasn’t there for the preparing / applying part, we’ve been together for all 4 years, through 2 board exams, away rotations, residency applications (and the ‘where do we move next’ conversation) and next week he graduates AND we get married. it certainly wasn’t always easy, but i do think it made us stronger both as a couple and individuals.
May 17, 2010 11:21 am
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Thanks. We’re going to need all of the luck we can get, in addition to perseverance and a whole lot of love.
I’m actually the most worried about finding employment for myself.
“We all know that writing essays is useless. If you don’t believe me, just ask your waiter about his English degree.” Haha, Steven Colbert. You are not funny. You can crush souls with remarks like that.
May 17, 2010 12:31 pm
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Hey Meg and David — Thanks for the awesome example of your commitment to each other and your partnership, and this beautiful illustration of what a marriage can be. So many congratulations to you both!!
May 17, 2010 10:51 am
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I feel like this is my EXACT STORY. Down to the ages, the LSAT weekends, the cross-country trip, the missing the loved ones, the hand-holding and extreme anxiety. Now you have the Bar to look forward to! Hah! No, I think that first year of law school has to be the most difficult part of the whole journey, the bar pales in comparison to that first year. My husband was so stressed that year, I almost can’t believe he got through. But. He did get through and is now in his third year at a small firm where they love him. The anxiety and hand-holding continue though, as the hours the first few years are tough. Like still pulling All-Nighters on a regular basis tough. Congrats to both of you! What an awesomely exciting thing you two have accomplished.
May 17, 2010 11:01 am
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Congratulations to both you and David! I can almost feel the warmth of your pride and smiles!! Great job!
May 17, 2010 11:08 am
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They should read this post at graduations. I also graduated from law school on Friday! Our Dean asked the spouses and partners of the graduates to stand up and be recognized for their support. It probably would have annoyed me if I were single, but I did like hooting and hollering for Collin, because he did deserve that moment of recognition. And so do you, Meg! Congratulations to David and cheers to both of you!
May 17, 2010 11:09 am
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I’ve read every post, but don’t comment often because I haven’t gotten very far in wedding planning…. but your posts about relationships and real life really ‘sing’ to me.
My fiance and I lived abroad for the last two years and were able to save money. However, even though we were a team in every way we would still bicker about money: who was spending more on things than the other, etc. I feel a bit ashamed about that in retrospect, but I try to view it optimistically as a growth period.
Immediately after we get married he will also enter the world of law school. I’m so excited for him to achieve his dream and I know those years will be tough for him. He will need lots of support and encouragement. Not only that but I will also be the primary bread winner. Some how I’ve transitioned from comparing our every expense to being excited to support him. He always says ‘don’t worry, i can get lots of financial help, loans, etc’ but I would rather be able to help pay for his tuition with my earnings. I mean we’ll be married!!! Of course I want to put as much as possible towards his education. In the end, I would feel as if we were both ‘graduating’ from law school. I think the exact sentiments you stated.
Bravo to you and David and thanks for being a realistic and inspirational person:)
May 17, 2010 11:23 am
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Hey, we live abroad, too! I spent 4 years with him in his country, and now we’ve been in a different country together for 8-ish months. I would love to hear your experience in transitioning back into the American lifestyle (we’re planning a tentative moving-to-the-US date of next spring, which is “coming home” for me and will be his first time living there as an adult). If you’re so inclined, I’d love to email about it! (kahliabear _ gmail)
May 18, 2010 4:16 am
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Many people are surprised about the reverse culture shock. It is good that you are thinking about it!
Those returning can be surprised at how they don’t fit in, and those at home often don’t understand why you don’t fit in.
One thing that helped me make a good transition was planning the closure of my time abroad: The places, people, experiences I wanted to see/do before returning. It took over half a year to do it all, but I was ready to leave. This made arriving easier. Best of luck!
July 11, 2010 5:13 am
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Also, I’d like to echo this one for Meg: “thanks for being a realistic and inspirational person”!
May 18, 2010 4:17 am
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Yes of course! I’m not an expert, but I actually grew up overseas (“3rd culture kid”) and grew accustomed to moving to different countries.
Originally the hardest adjustment I had was when my family moved back to the U.S. before high school (talk about a-w-f-u-l). I spent high school and college in America and the first thing I did when I graduated? Move overseas of course! However it’s DIFFERENT this time because now it’s with a partner. Our current transition is pretty hard because after moving back, we are currently apart in different states with our families…
I won’t go on too much on this comment here, but you are more than welcome to email me (paige.elyse.dofton@gmail.com).
This whole transition with a partner is new to me as well. Actually last night we were talking about summer plans and of course got into an argument because we wanted to do so many things and not all of them worked for each other, you get the point…:)
May 18, 2010 3:27 pm
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Amazing picture. And even more amazing post. This is big, Huge. You did it!!! So congratulations. And here’s to your future life, possibly just as full of (different) challenges and big joys, each in their own time. Take care.
(And you guys make me realize I’m so lucky I met my husband *after* he graduated from law school…)
May 17, 2010 12:01 pm
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Congratulations, Meg and David! That polaroid looks like the kind that future generations will cherish.
This is my first comment on APW, and I think it was the dose of ‘how do we fit our personal ambitions and goals into our marriage and how do we achieve them together’ that inspired it.
To be honest, since we got engaged I’ve had a constant battle with the panic in my chest that is telling me we need to be all grown up. Because suddenly we have the eyes of all of our family and friends on us, and they’re wondering (rightly so) how are you guys going to survive when neither of you is ready to give up your passion for something more stable? I’m an under-employed actress/writer/singer in a deeply loving, committed relationship with a philosophy student…. everything about our relationship is grown-up, except our finances. And I’m terrified that sooner or later one of us is going to have to give up the ghost, and as the more practical of the two of us, that someone might end up being me. Even if my fiance does end up in grad school, which is the plan at the moment, I still need to find a way to help him get through his education…
Meg – how did you manage to do all that breadwinning and still keep your passions alive (as evidenced by this wonderful site)? I want to give our baby family all the hard work and energy and support it deserves, but what brought us together in the first place was our shared dedication to a life off the beaten path, and that mostly means living with uncertainty. I guess we just keep believing in each other…
May 17, 2010 12:02 pm
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“I guess we just keep believing in each other…”
Yes, I think that’s it. At least, that’s what’s working for us as we both start up as freelancers at the same time!
You’ll get through it, even if it means working in an office for a bit, as long as you’re both committed to working together to make it happen and to making sure you’re fulfilled outside of work hours. Good luck!
May 18, 2010 4:21 am
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Congratulations to both of you. Posts like this give me courage to do anything I want.
May 17, 2010 12:15 pm
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Congratulations to both of you!
I’m glad you wrote this post because I think it speaks not only to commitment and enduring difficulty, but also to sacrifice, which is something that’s been on my mind a lot. My fiance and I live in separate states, and because of the specifics of our situation, I will be moving to his town in the near future. There are lots of things about this that excite me, but there certainly is a lot that I have to give up to support some of his goals. What I *didn’t* realize until recently, was the fact that I won’t be the only one sacrificing something – I’m just starting to recognize how much a good marriage requires us both to give of ourselves for the other.
May 17, 2010 12:42 pm
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You both deserve a congratulations! It most certainly is an effort by both of you, and even more so since it fell to you to be the primary breadwinner. I was with my ex the whole time he was in law school, and it was an emotional investment for both of us.
Best wishes as your life together takes its next turn from here!
May 17, 2010 12:47 pm
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Oh, this is just so sweet. That last line was just beautiful. I don’t know you guys but congratulations! We’re a broke couple too trying to make it on one salary and it’s hard! But we celebrate with every couple that makes it through the other side!
May 17, 2010 1:13 pm
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