So. Name changing. Turns out we hit a nerve with that one, huh? The lovely Liz commanded me to write a response post, since 570 comments was getting, "A little hard to follow." That Liz, she's a master of understatement. So here we are.
I learned a lot last week. A whole lot. I learned that we nearly universally dislike the term Maiden Name. I learned that we near universally hate being called Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast. And I learned that we near universally thought long and hard about our name choice, no matter what the outcome. But more than all that, I learned empathy. I think it's impossible to read the epic 570 comment thread without seeing, really seeing the women around us: seeing and respecting their choices, and seeing and respecting their pain, their joy, their sacrifice, and their pride in family. Someone emailed me today to thank me for the post, because it helped them get their head around why other women change their names, and helped her start to learn to be ok with that. And I think the thread was that way for a lot of us (it was for me), in helping us really understand the choices we *didn't* make (or choices we haven't yet made).
I spent a lot of time last week thinking of all the women who came before us, who didn't have choices. We always think of these women as delighted and un-pained by changing their name when they married, and some of them were. But I realized last week that women run deep, and that it was probably not always easy to take your husbands name, or more to the point - to feel like you didn't have a choice. So I feel like that when we make our choice today - no matter what that choice is - we have a chance to take a moment, and honor all the women who came before us. The women who didn't get the chance to choose:
Go back 20, 30, 40 years and how many women gave (or were able to give) the whole name-change at marriage idea a second thought? Today, what each women decides regarding her name isn’t the point, it’s the fact that *she* decided. One’s name is so important to a sense of self of who one is, and while I have struggled so much with the name change, that struggle has given me a great opportunity to reflect on who I really am. So often in life we run through each day, taking ourselves for granted. This decision gave me a chance to slow down and really take stock of who I am. Even though I am not keeping my name, the process of deciding gave me a new appreciation of my family, and a new awareness of what marriage IS. Without this struggle, I’m not so sure I would have become so consciously aware of my true feelings regarding my new, baby family that I am about to create. - Carrie Dee
I did not change my name when I married last year. My very catholic grandmother that I only this year became really close to was in my car the other day. She saw one of my husband’s business card and commented on his last name. She then said my first name with his last name indicating that she thought this was my new name. I quickly responded “Oh, I didn’t change my name.” To which she said “You have that option?” and I said “Yes, you do.” End of conversation. - Avie
I also learned that we have to involve our fiances, because they don't necessarily know what we are going through. We have to involve them, because they are OUR PARTNERS, and if this decision is hard for us, they need to be there - to really be there for us through the process:
Men are given a free pass through the whole name-changing anguish — and that is simply not fair and it’s not just wives that feel that pain — the people who love them as well. We have to remember to channel that anger towards the system that allows men to disengage from the process of identity navigation that women are forced to go through when they get married instead of directing anger at women who make choices different from our own. - Sarah
It does suck that in this culture the bias is towards the husband’s last name for naming both couples and children, and that women have to wade through a lot more name-related crap than men do. But the flip side of facing disapproval or confusion from someone no matter what choice you make is that there is more freedom to make that choice based on whatever factors are most important to us personally, and (generally) have it treated as a personal choice. - Jennifer
And the always wise Giggles had such an eloquent comment on her choice to take her husbands name:
I settled this by deciding I wasn’t going to “change” my name. The word “change” just seemed so weird to me. I wasn’t changing who I was fundamentally so why would I change my name? What I was doing was adding to who I am. I was taking the person I’d developed over the course of my life time and who I’d come from through my family and adding wife/lover/my own family to it. So rather than “change” my name, I decided I would add to my name. And as I was adding my husband to who I am, I added his name to mine. I added, not changed. - Giggles
And finally, Mayweed left us with such a gift. Her brother's family uses a (somewhat modified) Spanish tradition, that is the single most elegant solution I have ever heard:
My brother’s girlfriend is Spanish, and in her family it works like this: Children have double-barreled names, mother and father. When they get married, the children drop one half of the name (daughters keep their mother’s and sons keep their father’s) creating another new double barrel for THEIR kids. - Mayweed
Which means of course, that all women carry the heritage of their matrilineal line, and all men carry the history of their patralineal line. In makes me feel like (finally) there is a equal space for us at the table. I loved this so much, that after some discussion, David and I decided that this is the tradition we are going to try to encourage for our own children. It makes me feel that giving them a double barreled name is a privilege, not a burden.
So thank you all. I'm continually in awe of the magic you create jiving off each other.
And! Of 570 comments, I only had to take ONE mean comment down. ONE. Can you believe that? I love you guys.
PS - David said I'm totally asking for it, posting a follow up. He was like, "Are you CA-razy? You want another 500 comments?" And I love that has become the house threat...
Categories: Ask Meg, Gender & Feminism, Marriage, Meg's Thoughts, Reclaiming Wife
Tags: Changing Your Name
[...] All the wedding blogs are going crazy debating about this (see On Name Changing and Weddings, and the Follow Up). It seems like they’re debating over it right now specifically to help me out with my [...]
May 7, 2010 8:56 am
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Any ideas on name changing laws? My husband is from Mexico. His last name includes his father/mother’s name. When I married him I thought I could just take his fathers name. But when I went to get my license renewed they informed me that I too needed to have his father/mother’s name as my last name. Talk about a long name when it includes a middle name!
I’d rather just have his father’s name. Was the DMV correct or do I have a choice to change it? Any help would be great!
Thanks.
May 7, 2010 9:12 am
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Different states have different laws. But you’re always able to do a court-ordered name change to whatever you want, although it can cost a little extra and take a little more time. Call your county courthouse and ask them about it.
May 7, 2010 11:37 am
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When we got married in 2007, I didn’t change. It felt dumb, and neither of us cared.
Then, post-wedding, I stopped speaking to my parents. The entire side of that family also stopped speaking to me (it might have had something to do with the 2008 election, and me blogging about my support of Obama?)
I wanted my OWN last name, so I chose one (Marlow, because it’s wonderful!), and dropped my lifelong middle name, one I shared with the mother I no longer spoke to. Then I tacked his onto the end (Blatt). This was in 2009.
It was a beautiful way for me to handle it, and one I felt totally comfortable with.
I have named myself Amber Marlow Blatt. The power of that decision still gives me chills.
May 7, 2010 3:08 pm
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Chills indeed (says someone who picked her own middle name/ nickname).
May 7, 2010 5:38 pm
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Went through something very similar to you and I totally agree that the name change to me was more of a relief for many reasons.
May 21, 2010 12:50 pm
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Interesting Facts:
I used to follow a blog written by an Iraqi woman who was writing about the war over there. She wrote that women have never changed their names over there.
I also read that Chinese women don’t usually change their names. When they have children, the first child might get his father’s last name, and the second child might get his mother’s last name. It’s completely random.
In western culture, during the Middle Ages, the couple chose whichever name was attached to the most power and wealth and they both went by that name. When land became more scarce, fewer daughters were inheriting land and instead brought “moveable wealth” into the marriage. That’s when the man’s surname started taking precedence.
May 8, 2010 12:17 am
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My fiance’s reaction when I told him I was taking his last name was rough – basically he said that I’m Katie LastName and that’s how he knows me. So he wasn’t wild about me changing over to his. It was definately unsettling! We’d joked about combining our last names but the combo is goofy and (I feel) almost disrespectful to the current last names, which are both rare in the US. So for me it wasn’t what I expected at all – while I appreciated him not presuring me during the process, when I decided for many good reasons that I would take his last name, when he balked it wasn’t fun. Didn’t he like and get excited for this choice?
Just wanted to share another side since even when us ladies go along with the idea of taking the man’s name, there are still hurdles sometimes.
May 8, 2010 7:28 am
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I thought about this, and realized that that’s what my reaction might be if my guy suggested dropping his name and taking mine. Not because men “aren’t supposed” to do it, but because names are very important to me, and like your fiance I’ve always known my guy as Hisfirst Hislast; I think I would be uncomfortable with the idea of him giving up a part of himself unilaterally. On the other hand, I can totally understand you feeling miffed that he wasn’t happy about your wish. You’re right, it’s important to consider that men can have the same range of reactions to this issue as women.
May 8, 2010 9:07 am
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[...] i loved this post on changing one’s name, from a practical [...]
May 8, 2010 10:09 am
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Am I wrong to not really have strong feelings on this topic? Other than the drama of changing the medical license, I’m fairly ambivalent on the matter – I identify much more strongly with my mom’s family, so shedding my Dadslast isn’t terribly traumatic, and Mr & Dr Hislast is kind of sweet (although completely incorrect according to E. Post). You guys are making me feel like I need to have some kind of drawn-out emotional soul search on this topic. : (
May 8, 2010 10:16 am
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Hee! No, I also found it a fairly easy decision to change my last name to my husband’s. If it isn’t a big drama for you, more power to you!
I do think it is worth thinking about, though–I mean, a) women changing their names due to marriage has a very weighted history, and b) other people have very strong opinions about it, and it’s nice to be prepared for that kind of conversation.
May 8, 2010 5:53 pm
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Hi,
I am overwhlemed with the responses here! So many voices! Love it!
I mused about the name change thing for quite awhile. I jokingly asked my husband if we could combine our names into one mish mash of both. But I, and he, both felt this was a bit of a mockery of both our family names. He then told me that it was my decision what to do about my name. He was happy either way, and NEVER expected me to take his name. I love this man.
I found this to be one of the hardest decisions to make, as far as marriage goes. And, obviously so did many of you.
Thanks.
May 8, 2010 12:29 pm
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I never did address in my earlier comments what I myself did about my name.
My emotional issues didn’t congregate around the issue of keeping my name. Since my father and his entire family were dysfunctional (to say the least) I couldn’t get rid of my last name fast enough.
My first and middle name have always seemed like the part of my name that is ME. To me, a last name identified a group of people you were connected to. If I had been able to have positive feelings about my father and his family, I have no idea whether I would have changed my name or not. I wasn’t lucky enough to have that loving association.
I did get divorced later and there were no children. A lot of women would have gone back to their original name, but I kept my married name because I still wanted nothing to do with my father or his family. I don’t even speak to him anymore.
My ancestry is English-Welsh-Irish-Swiss, but my married name is Middle Eastern. People are always surprised by my last name and sometimes I worry about the reaction of prejudiced people in this age of terror. Yet, I STILL want nothing to do with my father’s family name so I keep it.
I would have loved to have my mother’s maiden name because I associate it with wonderful people, but even she doesn’t have it anymore and my grandparents are gone, so I’d be the only one. I expect that if I remarry, I will change yet again.
May 8, 2010 6:32 pm
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This has been a fascinating post to read thru, especially as so many people have different perspectives depending on their family situation. I am changing my name to his for several reasons, but firstly for practicality, borne of childhood experience – i grew up in a three separate surname family (me + sis, mother, stepfathers) and it was a pain constantly being called by the wrong name – i’d prefer my family to all have the same name. 2, i’m not in touch with my father and have no familial fondness for the name. 3, it’s a negative real word, and invites negative comments. My mother has married a few times and has always kept her original maiden name – i always assumed i would do the same, but my situation is different to hers. I must say – if i had been given her surname at birth i’m pretty sure i’d be keeping it now as that side of the family is very important to me. I considered at 16 changing my name to hers or my grandmothers (legal by Deedpoll here in UK), but decided to leave it as was.
I really like the Spanish matrilinial-patrilinial (?) tradition mentioned above – i think that would have been the perfect solution, but hey!
One last thought re the ‘It’s not your last name, it’s your dad’s last name’ – i was given my surname when my birth was registered so i consider it my name, *via* my dad, but mine. Personally, i would prefer if babies were given their mother’s surname, but even so, the surname i was given at birth is my name, whatever route it came from.
Great discussion, thanks!
May 9, 2010 2:37 pm
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I just wanted to gripe that last week the president of a board I am the VP for made a new template for meeting agendas. He emailed it to me, saying “I couldn’t fit both of your last names in the template form. I hope that is OK.” I’m sorry, I DO NOT have two last names. I have ONE last name that happens to have a hyphen in it. You wouldn’t put your last name as John instead of Johnson because it fit better, would you?
May 9, 2010 6:05 pm
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I order a medication from a mail-order pharmacy because the prices are better. This pharmacy has a policy that married couples must have the same last name if they want their meds to ship in the same package. If the couple has two different last names, they are forced to have their packages sent separately and incur two shipping fees. I think the reason cited is patient privacy. It is surprising in this day and age, but the pharmacy does not want to get in trouble because of violating a patient’s privacy. There is no easy mechanism for them to prove that a couple with different last names are actually married. Part of the problem is that U.S. pharmacy regulations are far stricter than other countries.
May 10, 2010 2:29 am
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I didn’t change my name basically because my last name was WAY cooler – going from FOX to GOLDSCHMIDT? I don’t THINK so! But, both of my kids have my husband’s last name (and super-sounding Jewish first names, poor babies), and if they ever wanted me to change my name to match theirs, I would. My husband is a doctor, and I’ve always wanted to be a “Dr. and Mrs.” anyway, so it wouldn’t be so bad. Plus, I already answer to “Mrs. Goldschmidt” whenever a telemarketer calls the house.
May 10, 2010 10:47 am
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With so many different possibilities for a post-wedding name, and so much possible distress over being called the wrong combination of names… I just want to hope that everyone clearly communicates to the relevant parties in their life about what to be called. I have friends recently married where I am not sure who has which name now, and especially after reading these discussions, I don’t want to offend! My boy & I hemmed and hawed for quite a while about how to write out a check for a wedding gift last fall. If you’ve made the decision before the wedding, maybe something to put on the invitations, wedding website, etc?
May 10, 2010 11:04 am
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the usual (err, traditional) way to do this is to have little cards that have the new names and their new address (as, of course, you wouldn’t have lived together before getting married).
or, they’ll let you know in the thank you notes (another reason to get them out ASAP)
May 10, 2010 11:29 am
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Which *of course* I’ve already written about on APW ;) Look up “at home cards.” But seriously people, if you don’t know how to make out a check, ASK. I won’t add David’s last name as a DBA to my account, because I think people need to learn my name. But, we had some wedding checks that I almost had to send back, because the bank didn’t want to take them. So really – knowing your friends name is not just socially important, it’s practically important too.
May 10, 2010 7:01 pm
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First of all, i admire your ability to make your way through so many comments!! I tried to search for key words to see if anyone else posted what i am about to write… and i didn’t find any, at least as far as i could tell, so here goes (also i’m coming into this discussion a bit late, only having read the follow-up post and not the original post and comments):
my husband and i were married in may 2009, and we joined our last names together with a hyphen… we both hyphenated. so now our new name is: mylastname-hislastname. For us there were many factors involved but primarily it seemed to make more sense to us that our families were being joined together to create one new family; and that we were both undergoing change as we became one in marriage. we also want our future kids to have the same last name as us. it was great because we BOTH had to go to the social security office and change our names, and change our passports, drivers licenses and everything else. it was such a great experience doing all that together.
we have a friend who is our age and her parents did the same thing about 30 years ago – they were rather progressive and we admired how they did it.
as to concerns about “online ordering” and such (i saw that in one comment) with hyphenated names, you can drop the hyphen in those cases…. but it’s rare, and it’s given us some laughs at times, but it doesn’t pose too much difficulty. and when it comes to people knowing who we are, they know us by our new hyphenated name – our unified name – which is most important. and if our future children ever fall in love with a “herlastname-hislastname” person (or vice versa)… well, they can figure out what works best for them when the time comes : )
ps- we chose my last name to come first primarily because it sounded and looked better… aesthetics are important!
May 10, 2010 5:21 pm
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This is what we’re doing too and it works for us! :)
May 10, 2010 9:52 pm
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oh gosh there goes my anonymity… auto-fill stuck my last name right in there for me… so now you all get a real-life example.
also, after spending more time looking through the comments i realized that there were some variations or discussions of what we did; but i hope my comment contributes anyway.
May 10, 2010 5:39 pm
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Just wanted to share an interesting idea that relates more to the former post about having a common family name for future children in our lives. Two of my female cousins were not given middle names at birth. This was in anticipation of when they were married later in life. They both use their “maiden name” (ugh, i hate that phrase!) as their middle names now. This still obviously doesn’t help the equality issue. They are still not using their former family names as their current last name, however, I like that my aunt and uncle had that forethought.
Mister and I were discussing the name change issue the other day after having read a couple of the posts on the subject. What makes the whole issue harder for us is that combining our names with a hyphen makes us have a fairly silly last name. It would be King-Popp (hers-his) or Popp-King (his-hers). Every time hear these options I giggle. I think of The King of Pop, Michael Jackson, each time. What do you do when you really want to combine the last names, but the combination is either humorous or ridiculous?
May 11, 2010 4:52 am
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Haha, my first reaction to names like that is, “That’s awesome! Own it!” Of course if it was my own last name I might think longer about it.
And since we all seem to dislike the term “maiden name,” maybe we should declare a voluntary moratorium. I tend to say “original name” or “birth name.” Can anyone else think of a replacement term for the dreaded m-word?
May 11, 2010 10:40 am
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My mom and her sister weren’t given middle names for the same reason. My mom, being awesome, just added my grandmother’s birth name as a middle name (she didn’t change last names when she got married).
That’s my tradition: my name is the First Mom’sLast Dad’sLast.
October 3, 2011 12:03 pm
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I’m a little late to this party because I just took a vacation (sans internet!), but I wanted to add what I think is a different take on this issue. Name changing is something about which I know a thing or two, and the most salient thing is that it’s always a really emotional process. Because names are such integral parts of our identities, they’re really powerful. They are often one of the first things we disclose about ourselves and are often filled with deep meaning or stories.
Traditional practices of passing on maternal or paternal names are a very heterocentric practices. Same-gender and queer couples have a number of naming challenges that are different from heterosexual couples. Many queer couples cannot get legally married (or can only get semi-legally married or are against government intervention in relationships). For couples who want to get married but cannot, sharing a name is a very powerful symbol of creating a family. It sends a very public message about their commitment to one another. (This is not to say that choosing not to change one’s name is a lack of commitment, though.) When you are denied rights or respect based upon your sexual orientation or gender identity, powerful symbols might be all you have.
I have lesbian friends in which one partner and all of their children took the other partner’s family name because her family was more supportive of their relationship. Another couple I know has each taken the other’s name to show the power of their union. They live in a small town, and legal name changes forced their co-workers and neighbors to recognize their relationship in ways they otherwise would not have. One couple I know decided to keep their own names and decided their children’s last name based on the day they were born, and other dear friends took on a new name together mark the creation of their new family. Despite their different choices, each of my friends deeply explored their options and chose their names based on what felt best to them. Many transgender people have an entirely different conundrum. My partner was assigned female and given a very girly name at birth that just didn’t fit when he decided to undergo a gender transition as an adult. Like many of our trans friends, he chose a new name. Being able to define his legal identity was so important and so empowering. It was also exciting and scary and life-changing in ways that I didn’t know it could be.
The process of choosing one’s name – in legal marriage or unrecognized queer partnership or through a gender transition or for some other reason – is a process of defining one’s identity, so it’s not surprising that we have so much emotion around it. Telling the world our name is a public declaration of WHO WE ARE. And the burdens of tradition and ideology are heavy ones. A woman choosing not to take her husband’s name is eschewing years of tradition (in WASP-y culture, anyway), and a feminist who feels strongly about the moral imperative of disrupting the patriarchy is equally compelled. And then sometimes these two things come together in one life and, then, ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE.
As a queer couple, my partner and I feel that we’ve been given a few gifts. Since our marriage isn’t exactly sanctioned, there are fewer expectations. We can do whatever we want to our names. Knowing that is both freeing and a little daunting. We don’t yet know what we’ll do to our names (if anything) when we marry in October, but I can say that we both feel the weight of the decision. I’m glad to have a supportive community like APW where we can all talk about touchy subjects, and that (for the most part) we can be kind and respect one another’s ideas. I believe that, whatever decisions we make about our names or our marriage, we will be better and for having grappled with the choices and reasons behind them.
May 13, 2010 6:01 pm
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Thank you for this post.
With my first marriage (to a man), we both adopted a new last name that combined parts of our birth names. We referred to it as a new “family name.” It was very complicated for him to legally change his name. It cost a few hundred dollars (Cali), he had to go before a judge, and he even had to post something in 2 newspapers announcing the change. I, on the other hand, being a woman, simply had to tell whatever institution was involved that I had gotten married and show them the license.
9 years later…I am divorced (no kids) and I have returned to my birth name. I am now engaged to my soul mate, a woman, and we have talked at length about this topic. However, we only began discussing it when we decided to consider having children. Before that, we figured we would just keep our own names. But with children, we want them to have the same name to represent a family connection, especially since they biologically won’t be linked to both or either of us (depending on who births them, one of us, or someone else, i.e. adoption).
Having done the new “family name” before, I like that option, but in our case, it brings up the memory of my last relationship, which I am not comfortable with. So, we are back to the drawing board. Not sure what we’ll do, but I wanted to share my story since it is fairly unique.
Thanks for providing a forum for these discussions, APW!
May 25, 2010 2:19 pm
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[...] labels: married versus not married, virginal versus not. No matter what, these labels have been soundly and repeatedly rejected by women in recent years. I personally detest the term Maiden Name, and I’m not alone. We have [...]
May 14, 2010 3:04 am
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My parents divorced and my mum remarried, meaning that for most of my life I’ve had a different last name to my core family unit (my mum, my stepdad, who is basically my father, and my eldest half-sister). Though it’s hardly something traumatic, when filling out official stuff or handing in passports, the fact that I was somehow “seperate” to them was clear. When I do get married, I want us to all have the last name, so we can be the Hislastnames, because I was always excluded from being the Stepdadslastnames.
On the other hand, my last name is unusual and it feels like a part of me. I met one of my best friends in school because our names were next to each other in the alphabet. Plus my boyfriend’s name sounds weird with my full name.
So, I like the idea of keeping my last name and adding his onto the end of it (but not hyphenating it, cos aesthetically I just don’t like that) so that I can be a part of a new little family unit, without losing links to who I am.
May 21, 2010 12:02 pm
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I took my husband’s name when I got married. Mostly because I thought my name sounded and looked WAY better with his last name as opposed to my old one. Now it’s four letters, three letters and four letters instead of four letters, three letters and eight letters.
My mother in law and her mother both got married several times in their lives. Each time they just added a name to their full name. Meaning my mother in law’s current legal name is now five names long with her first name, middle name, maiden name, previous married name and current married name. Complicated, but she enjoys it even though it infuriates her current husband to no end. Her response to his frustration, “That was my name for 25 years. My two kids still have that name and I’m not changing it now.”
That being said my husband and I are still of the mindset that in the future we will choose new family names and possibly new names entirely to change to because that feels more personal to us, being able to choose our names entirely have them be our own creation.
Names are weird.
May 21, 2010 12:47 pm
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I didn’t change my name and really thought that over the years I would probably consider it and lean that way, if anything to make it easier on school records with the kids.
Over time I increasingly can’t stand my in-laws, and now there is no way I will change my name to theirs. I married their son, not them. I am happy I have girls as it seems a given for them to make their own choice when the time comes, or before it if they fancy.
I am surprised at how many people ask what my new name is and how many people just assume I changed it, at times this includes my husband and in-laws.
May 21, 2010 10:10 pm
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Hi! I´m new here, and I wanted you to know I loved this posts, I guess it´s a tough thing for those who have to decide that, ando for those who can´t even make the choice.
I wanted to make a little observation: I´ve read on your post a comment saying in Spain we have a tradition of getting our mom´s last names, and boys getting dad´s. I really don´t know what part of Spain is she from but the thing is we use both of the lastnames (by law, and in official formularies you are asked for both, if you just have one parent, you use her/his’, both), but is usually dad´s lastname that goes first and mom´s second, and when you have kids, mom´s is usually lost as YOU are the new mom. This means in Spain we don´t lose our mother’s last name, but our kids do(Unless you go and legally bound both, and that´s how we get to have these eternal last names in Spain such as Name Grandpa1-Grandma1 Grandpa2 y Grandma2). The good news is you actually have the choice, if you agree with your couple, to do otherwise, but is not the general norm AT ALL, not in Spain, at least I haven´t met A SINGLE PERSON in my entire life, in wich I´ve lived in several parts of the Spanish geography, following this tradition. Maybe she is from another Spanish speaking country, that might be it. But my first last name is my dad´s dad, and so is every single person’ I know in my country.
For me this post is really interesting.
In Spain we don´t give up our last names for our husbands’, but I can tell I wouldn´t give up my last name even if I was asked to. It´s absolutely part of me. I want to give it to my kids, why should I let it go?As to reinforce the feeling of a family, Why doesnt he give up his?I really doubt it can be stronger than mine!To me, it´s not something I´m even willing to discuss, so sorry…
Anyway,I like it the way it is for us. The family has both, leaving perfectly clear where you come from. But, hey, don´t get me wrong: I absolutely respect every decission as long as it comes from a choice and not something imposed, and the fact that I wouldn´t do it doesn´t mean I judge who decides to go that way or that I give for granted that my last names mean for me more than yours to you!
Thank you very much for this post, it´s great to learn from other country´s traditions!
May 25, 2010 6:25 am
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Maybe I’m the only one (I just don’t have the time to read through 800 comments between the two posts!), but my new fiance has been called by my last name and has received mail using my last name numerous times over the years. We’ve found it quite amusing!
May 30, 2010 8:47 pm
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Happens to us all the time too, especially because a lot of the bills are in my name. :)
May 31, 2010 8:01 am
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a name change is not necessarily an identity change. a name change is, to me, just paperwork. an identity change has to do with a LOT more, like being married. so even if you don’t change your name you still have to deal with a new side to your identity: you are part of a union, a partner! but you can still show your individuality in many ways — your name doesn’t say everything about who you are.
June 9, 2010 8:43 pm
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Hi everyone, this seems like a happy, lively place… in our culture (Filipino) it is customary to take the husband’s lastname. Over the past 2 decades, it has become an option to retain one’s maiden name and many more Filipinas have been doing this. Yay!
All of my sisters use their husband’s lastname, just like my mom did. But since I had the option, I decided to GIVE that option to my husband and asked him what he wanted, what his thoughts were. Being the gracious man that he is and to answer my question, he said it was really up to me to decide but since I asked him, he would like me to take his last name in honor of his father. Since he gave the option back to me, I decided to use his last name and now, I am still getting used to being called Mrs Hislastname or Sam Hislastname that sometimes, in business transactions, there’s a slight delayed reaction to the name. haha
Double barreling was definitely out of the question since my parents gave me THREE FIRST NAMES, adding another one will make it tedious to read… :)
Imagine: Sarah Anna Marie Momlastname Dadlastname Hislastname.
There’s just no room to breathe anymore… haha
Like the others, in social situations (facebook, etc) I still use Sam (acronym of my 3 names) Mylastname because not many people know that I got married. Same with my married friends, I still call them by their birth lastname and they don’t seem to mind. So it really depends on what you see fit for you and it’s great to talk about one’s choices. I love your blog! It’s a keeper!
June 18, 2010 8:36 am
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Wow. I read them all, both posts! Great discussion and neat to see traditions from other cultures & countries, as well.
I was never a ‘dreaming of marriage’ girl, and am quite a feminist, so this topic is something that I’ve thought about quite a lot in the last several years, as it became clear that I’d be spending my life with my guy.
For me, my father was mostly a good dad, but not so much to a lot of his other kids, and it is a common-enough last name, so I don’t feel compelled to carry it on.
Additionally, my fiancé’s lastname reflects my [known] ethnic heritage better than my birthlast, AND it has a super-cool meaning. Plus it’s ten letters, so hyphenation or double-barreling is much less appealing, especially since my firstname is already 9! ;o
AND my new initials will be better. ;p
In regards to the family stuff, I realized while reading, MiL having a diff LastName [they divorced when my sweetie was young & she's remarried] makes me less concerned about being Mrs. HisName; the previous Mrs. LN was his awesome Gram, and of his father’s brothers, one wife hyphenated, and one still has the name but is a long-time widow and co-habiting with her partner of several years, so probably a Ms. now, I’m guessing. ;p
If he had a ‘bad’ name, or his mother had the same name, I’d be more compelled to make up our own name–and might insist on it!
My decision on this is much easier because I don’t have published works under this name so much; so if I go to grad school, it’ll be a fresh start in the future.
I’ll miss having the same name as my mom, brother, and youngest sister, but my middle sis is already married and name-changed.
So, the whole confluence of things made it easier for me, but I am NOT looking forward to the paperwork…and I brought up this discussion with my guy & his dad the other night, as an example of something that needs to be thought about, and not just done because “that’s what people do”…so I’m glad that I got to make them think about it. My middle is my mom’s birthlast, and that’s the one I’d have him add as a 2nd middle if we did that.
Cheers! ;D
August 18, 2010 9:49 pm
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Holy late to the game (side note: just discovered this blog – and let’s just say not work has gotten done the last couple of days! Thanks!)
I’m still toying with the last name thing. My fiancee, bless him, is totally letting it be my choice. He knows how important my “father’s” name is to me… and getting married at 32 means that it’s been my name for a long time. It’s a well-recognized and respected name in my community, and my workplace since my father and I both work for a large municipality. I have earned the respect of having this last name myself and it’s very much a part of my identity (even my online tagline is my initials…)
*However – I feel very strongly that the right choice for my family – the one I am creating in November and will grow and cultivate for the rest of my life – needs to have one last name. Bless all of you who doublebarrel and hyphenate, etc., etc. – I think it would just annoy me to pieces. We’ve toyed with the using-my-last-name-as-a-middle-name thing – plus adding a real middle name – we didn’t dig it.
So – I think the solution we’ve come up with is this. I am officially changing my last name to his. Our family will have his last name (I should note that his last name is also very much part of his identity – his friends call him by his initials – he did actually offer to take mine as well…). But, I will professionally & in the community use Jennifer L. myname hisname (sometimes Jennifer L. C. hisname).
I am – however – definitely changing my work e-mail – which follows the form of FirstInitialLastName@… Because my father and I work for the same place AND share the same first initial, his seniority trumped mine and I wound up FirstNameLastName@… – which isn’t convenient – people know the general form and he gets e-mails for me all the time… so, leaving my last name in the signature, but changing the address…
i think the really, wicked, important, awesome point of this is that we do have a ridiculous number of choices that our moms, and definitely, our mom’s-moms didn’t… and how blessedly awesome is that?
August 19, 2010 8:26 am
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Thanks for the bravery to tackle such a heartfelt topic. The only thing that made sense to me (after those long discussions w/ my other that you so wisely suggested) was to keep the name I’d had all my life and add my husband’s. That way we were united with one family name and our children and I would have the same last name. I didn’t lose anything, just gained a name. It’s seldom difficult to explain the looooong name on my driver’s license; and I love it. After nearly 5 years now, I have no regrets.
September 8, 2010 10:50 pm
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Such great stuff. And there’s a lot I want to say, so I’ll try to be succinct.
1) I’ve ALWAYS known I would keep my name. So it was really fantastic to read about the thoughts and struggles women who don’t have that luxury go through. It was really eye-opening for me.
2) A standard argument I hear (especially from my future in-laws) is WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN!?!??!? (usually cried like I announced plans to mutilate my unborn kids) The answer is very simple- they don’t give a flying f**k. As long as you and your partner stand together as a united front against all those raised eyebrows, your children will never mind. My mom kept her name and never have I felt that somehow not sharing a name meant we weren’t a loving family. When people question my parents separate names I love my dad’s tension-breaking response of, “I kept my maiden name”. If you and your partner are ok with this choice, trust me, your kids will be ok too!
3) I love my boss’ story of why she ultimately kept her name and want to share it. They were in the standard “he wants me to take his name but I like my name and am already professionally known by it” predicament. She finally told him she would take his name but HE had to fill out ALL the paperwork and accompany her to EVERY bank, DMV, etc. End of story? He decided maybe it wasn’t so important to him after all!
June 4, 2011 6:15 pm
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[...] were at an impasse until I read this blog post on changing your name on one of my favourite marriage sites A practical wedding. This excellent post summed up all of [...]
July 11, 2011 10:51 am
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I’m newly engaged and just starting to think about this, and new to Practical Wedding as well! Thank you so much for these articulate, wonderful posts and comments. The thought of changing my name makes me swell with sorrow – I have a very unique last name that people have created nicknames from, rhymed with, and generally been delighted by my entire life. It’s also an alliteration with my first name, and very memorable. It has always given me (naturally shy!) confidence in social situations to say my name and know that it will stick in people’s heads and cement who I am.
My fiance has a very plain, very common name. Doing them both is not really an option since together they are overwhelmingly German and quite unpleasant. I want desperately for us to have the same last name, to have things sent to the both of us and be identified as his wife to people we meet. But the thought of losing my name feels like voluntarily throwing away an essential part of me that has given me so much happiness and fun throughout my almost 30 years with it. I tend to think I will just not fill out any paperwork for a while after the wedding and see how things feel. Once we’re living together and truly creating a life for ourselves, I might not need the protection and delight of my old name. Or maybe I’ll need it more than ever.
September 9, 2011 9:07 pm
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I hereby motion to refer to a woman’s “pre-married” name as her “BIRTH NAME.” Maiden has nothing to do with it, it is the name you were given at birth (or yah know, some where around it) and the title seems appropriate.
On a related note, my mother was named in what I have been informed it the traditional Portuguese manner of Firstname Middlename (de Religiousrefrence de Mothersbirthname) Fathersname. With her mothers birth name as part of her middle name, literally “of her mother.”
My mother kept her full birth name through multiple marriages and us kids were given both of our parents names hyphenated. Mother’s – Father’s, with Mothers – Father1 for those from her first marriage and Mothers – Father2 for those from the second. Confuses the heck out of people who don’t know us that well but we love it! Only problem we ever have is with the hyphen in forms that don’t allow “special characters.”
My FH and I haven’t figured out quite what we are doing. Right now the most likely is that I’ll add his last name to mine without a hyphen (although I might make it the last and put mylast as part of my middle name.) He had independently considered whether he would change his last name and decided that he was really proud of his last name so he will keep it, I haven’t yet broached the possibility of adding my name to the mix as this is all rather new (engaged less than a month so far). He also considers a females matrilineal connections to be more important than her patrilineal and a males patrilineal connections to be more important than his matrilineal. So the “Spanish” double-barreled naming convention may work well for us as regards our kids. *shrug* we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
September 12, 2011 12:17 am
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[...] this topic has been written about thousand of times in numerous blogs all across the vast, wide internet by amazingly smart women, and I think we should read and listen to all the different, individual [...]
September 14, 2011 5:53 am
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