It’s the little something I do for myself that fulfills me and allows me to give back to others. I love performing and teaching, coaching, motivating, really getting outside of myself and giving to others and fitness instruction suits me to a T!

But no matter what, if there’s something in life I want to explore, I explore it, as long as it’s healthy and not self-destructive. I take my time with it, come at it slowly, just sort of let it happen organically. I’m very fortunate to have Matt by my side. With him, anything is possible.

I agree with Meg that thinking about roles this way can lead to money being equated with power, which is really dangerous (and maybe a big part of what made it necessary to reclaim the word wife in the first place). Our mothers/grandmothers saw that money equaled power in male/female relationships and wanted to get out into the workplace as a way of taking some of that power for themselves. And they made enormous headway, and we are beyond lucky to be born when we were.

BUT, it seems like what we are trying to do here and in our lives is not to continue to claim power in the same way our mothers did but to altogether break away from the narrative that says that money equals power — to remove (to whatever extent this is possible) those kind of power struggles from our marriages. (Keep them in the workplace by all means, effing .70 on the dollar) Saying that a working husband is enabling his stay-at-home wife to do what she wants, that he could get along without her but not she without him, seems to me to be buying into that same power structure — privileging his money-making position.

It’s hard – I have that same gut reaction (that I assume you are having) of this fear that the woman is setting herself up for financial devastation in the event the unthinkable happens — that she’s got to protect herself! But I think that comes from that same dichotomous thinking in which the partner-making-money is seen as the truly important one in the relationship. And this seems somewhat contrary to “partnership” to me.

I’m not sure what the answer is to this, except, as always, talk about it and think about it and work out for yourself what works. As disclosure, I left my job as a lawyer just before my fiancee and I got engaged, and I’ve been acting as a (really bad) housewife (seriously, I’d fire myself, but I’m learning!) while I spend time figuring out what I want to do.

It was way harder for me to think of the money my fiancee makes at his job as our money and to consider my contributions to our relationship important than it was for him. It’s starting to sink in slowly, though, that you can’t measure contributions to relationships in that way. How we support ourselves, keep our house clean, etc, are questions that are separate in a way from how we think about equality in our partnership. In a way, unfortunately, that is hard to articulate because it is still emerging (and because it may always ????? change).

Part of it is that we make decisions together (financial and otherwise), and we think about possible future outcomes of our relationship together, and we are committed to together ensuring that each of us is in a position to start an individual life again should something terrible happen. Another part of it is that we talk together about what we can do to make our lives fulfilling as a We and as two I’s, whether he wants to continue at this job, whether I want to work as a lawyer or a teacher or not at all, whether we want to travel more, whatever.

I’m starting to ramble so I’m going to stop. I don’t know if I’ve said anything that hasn’t already been said before, but I’m so happy this conversation is happening and that I get to be a small part of this building process. It’s just so damn exciting!

Matt and I do make a lot of (what some would call) sacrifices as we do attempt to live off of one salary as best we can. We live in a modest home (that we are selling to buy a better modest home so I can have a vegetable garden). We don’t have cable television. We eat in a lot. We don’t take extravagant vacations. We don’t own a lot of clothes or shoes or accessories. Our furniture doubles as scratching posts for our three cats. Our cars and motorcycle, while nice, are all used–bought and paid for. Etc, etc, etc …

Matt is always encouraging me to move forward with things I love. I suppose him doing that with his business makes him be a lot more understanding in that regard. I’ve been teaching Spin classes for months now and am working on a group exercise and personal trainer certification and hope someday to make that be what I do when I’m not busy cooking and gardening and cleaning and making our house a home. It doesn’t have to pay me a lot, but I want to love it, you know?

I think more than anything else in this world, people should find a partner that accepts, appreciates, and individuality. I never thought being married would make me feel so free in every aspect in life. I mean, hey, anyone who is willing to listen to me sing made-up “Babby Got Back” lyrics to the cat while I’m making coffee in the morning has to be the one for me, right?

But I also crave work of the mind to do — problem-solving, writing, creating, all things that the outside world will pay me to do. So what I really want is an intellectually engaging job that doesn’t stress me out and burn me out. Being a SAHW as my full time job would not make me happy. I would get bored and resentful.

What I really need is time off, but gender roles affect how I think of that. A married woman not working outside the home is a SAHW or housewife, while a married man is just not working.

Being so burned out at your job that you can’t even figure out what you are excited about doing isn’t the same thing as necessarily wanting to stay at home. Needing to take time off isn’t the same thing as becoming a SAHW.

I do not love my job, but I like it. I like the ability to travel/eat at nice restaurants/etc. that comes with two incomes. I like the 9-5 (or in my case, 7:30-3:30) structure.

I never thought I’d be a stay at home person, but I am really starting to struggle with the whole thing – once kids come in the picture, I think I’d go crazy not having a professional life and having my control-freak, ultra stubborn and independent self financially dependent on my partner, but also go crazy having someone else be responsible for the kids all day.

I guess what I want is what Meg says later in the comments – the flexibility to work from home, or take a few years off and jump right back in. Finding you own good work/life balance is all part of the reclaiming wife and building the best baby family for you, right?