I was surfing through old emails, looking for inspiration, and came across an email from reader Katherine for a post talking about attendants. How do we choose them? How do we honor different people in our lives? Why is it so hard for me and so easy for everyone else? And I thought it was time to revisit the wedding party – that complicated, complicated being.
First, let’s talk about the myth of easy. Like everything else in the wedding world, we seem to not hear very much about the difficulties of figuring out the bridal party. All we hear is about cute dresses and girl-bonding and flowers. Maybe wedding parties are that way for some people (I really hope they are that way for some people!) But, like so many wedding myths, the story of wedding parties has a lot more to do with what marketers are selling us than what is really true.
When you think of it, what we’re being sold with the image of the perfectly arrayed bridesmaids and the perfectly matching groomsman, is the myth of perfect friendships. The bride has a collection of best friends – friends from childhood perhaps, or friends from each stage in her life. She knows who her best friends are, and that they will support her in everything she does. She picks beautiful outfits for them (which they all fit in and love) and they stand in a perfect row next to her on the happiest day of her life. The groom has his own group of best friends (ideally he has the same number of best friends as the bride does). They all look dashing in tuxes. They tease the groom, but not too much, and support him emotionally on his wedding day. And who doesn’t want that? Who doesn’t dream of that?
But we, over in indie-wedding-world, have made it even more complicated. Since the myth of matching dresses on matching size-two blond friends doesn’t work for all of us, we’ve created our own indie wedding party myth. We’ve looked at the outsides of other peoples blogg-y weddings, and come up with a story of what the inside of our wedding should feel like. We should all have friends in mismatched outfits that reflect their different, but equally hip personalities. We should have a band of quirky and arty friends, who know each other, and love us exactly the way we are. These friends should be talented (so they can help with the wedding) and generous (they are excited to help with the wedding).So we have this all set up in our heads – how the wedding party is going to be, and how warm and fuzzy and magic it’s going to be. And then real life hits. And things get complicated, and we don’t live up to those wedding myths we’ve set up for ourselves, and we get sad. We cry. We judge ourselves as less than. We wonder why it’s so hard for us and so easy for everyone else… and where the f*ck did they find time to buy all those perfectly mis-matched 1950′s prom dresses for their bridesmaids to wear anyway?
So, truth flash: I think most of us don’t live lives like that. We don’t have perfect best friends. We don’t have all graphic designer friends. We don’t have all size two friends that look good in eggshell blue. Maybe we don’t even HAVE piles of best friends. So what’s really going on is, we’re all running around trying to look like we live up, and trying to honor who we want to honor, in a wonderful thoughtful, even-handed way. And we’re all wondering why our d*mn friends don’t own cowboy boots and have super chic haircuts, and own impeccable vintage dresses.
Or is that just me?
Because let me tell you the honest truth – wedding parties are hard. They were, at least, hard for me. David and I have many people that are important to us, but we don’t have a wonderful band of life long best friends. We just don’t. David has one childhood best friend, and then we have lots and lots of people that we love very much. We don’t even have perfectly flawless best friend relationships with our siblings, for goodness sakes. We have… sibling like relationships with our siblings. As for talent? We have lots of talented friends, but we had to talk some of them into helping on our wedding day.
So what did we do? We did something really imperfect. We asked a bunch of people to perform honors. We asked them to read, or hold the huppah, or carry ritual objects. We gave the ones who we thought wanted flowers, flowers. We asked them to wear jewel toned dresses or suits (note: having people pick their own dresses is an enormous pain in the ass, because everyone wants you to pick for them). And even that wasn’t flawless. Because we gave honors to some people who would have rather just sat and watched. And we gave honors to other people who wanted a bigger honor. A whole lot of people decided that jewel tones equaled teal, so now we have some pictures that look like we had ‘wedding colors’ after all… and they were teal & purple. Ack. People were confused as to what they were part of, because our ‘wedding party’ wasn’t a ‘wedding party.’ And that was just the way it was.
Weddings have a way of bringing ‘the way we wish things were’ into conflict with ‘the way things are.’ But in the end, we charted our own wedding party course, and complicated as it was, I’m glad we did it our way. I’m grateful for the picture I have with old friends and new friends crowded around us grinning. But I wish I’d realized early on that imperfict friendships were normal, and that we should all just do what feels right, and chuck the rest. I’d wish I’d realized there were lots of ways to honor the people we loved and we didn’t even need a (vague semblance) of a bridal party to do it.
So tomorrow I’m bringing you two years of non-traditional wedding party inspiration, APW style. And hopefully the bravery and inspiration to do your thing. Or THANG. Whatever.
Picture: The wedding party that most closely reminds me of my own non-wedding party (God I love this picture…) by Max Wanger via 100 Layer Cake
Ah, I very much understand. Since we were hoping for a small-ish wedding if I invited my closest friends to be bridesmaids, I wouldn’t have any friends in the pews. Besides the fact that all my closest friends are from college and I haven’t accumulated any since then, which is kind of sad. (I’m kind of French in that it takes me a WHILE for someone to become a super-close friend, and I only want family or super-close friends at the wedding.)
So I decided the easiest way to do this was to have a sister be my maid of honor and my closest friend to officiate (she’s a minister!). But I still would like to include other people. Now I’m trying to find short prayers or other ways to include more people, and it’s like but who do we ask to do this? How will so-and-so feel if they’re not asked to take part? Am I created an in-crowd and an out-crowd at our wedding? Then I think we’ll just have a traditional service with nobody else participating, just watching. Then I think it’s kind of sad and round-and-round I go.
August 11, 2010 4:58 am
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being invited to a wedding is often an honor in and of itself. don’t feel pressured to accolade everyone in your life!
August 11, 2010 6:16 am
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Yes, absolutely. And A-L, I think one of the great things about a small wedding is that people really do feel honored just to be invited. We only had about 45 people at our wedding, and the guests all felt special and hand-picked, because they were. We actually did have a small wedding party (3 people each), but none of our other friends seemed offended to be excluded. We were able to spend time with each and every person at our wedding, and that’s how we honored them.
August 11, 2010 7:04 am
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Hey A-L, I know *exactly* where you’re coming from! It’s just the sort of person I am; I have lots o’ family friends, friends of friends, but only a few very close friends. And none were made in the last several years since college.
When it came to a bridal party, my answer was clear: who do I want standing by my side as a testament to who I am, where I’ve been, and who will support me when the sh*t hits. And that is my three sisters. We’re closer than close; we get together several times a month, and we guffaw and we belly-laugh and we have a blast. They’re also the ones there for me when crisis strikes. In short, they’re my best friends. (I know not all sisterhoods are like this and mine isn’t always this great either; families are emotionally complicated by nature).
HOWEVER, I was a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding last weekend, and that caused a bit of awkward stuff, since I didn’t ask her to be mine. We got over it, but it was tense for a bit. I think that’s Meg’s exact point; no wedding party is perfect.
August 11, 2010 11:47 am
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I had a very small wedding (just over 30 people) so I didn’t have any bridal party at all. Only our very closest friends were invited, so it worked out.
If you’d like to give people the option to be a part of the wedding, maybe you could pick several readings you like, and let them choose among them? I think Meg’s solution is elegant and lovely, giving people different parts in the ceremony. You could even extend that to the reception, or the time leading up to wedding.
August 11, 2010 1:59 pm
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Here is one idea: if you are having a smallish wedding, maybe you could make it an open invitation – ask anyone who is interested in reading something short at the wedding to get in touch with you about it? Many people are kinda shy anyway and would rather watch but that would avoid any hurt feelings. I guess that would only work if you’re sure 50 people won’t email you asking to participate. ;) But, in theory this is a little bit like a Quaker wedding, in which any person in attendance is free to stand and say something during the silent part of the wedding/meeting if they are moved to do so.
August 11, 2010 2:02 pm
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Thanks for all the feedback and ideas. Tomorrow’s the first day of school and it’s been crazy getting ready for all of that. I really appreciated the much-needed bit of peace and sanity that your comments provide. (And thanks for ignoring all the errors in my previous comment!)
August 11, 2010 7:54 pm
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My fiance has a TON of friends. If he had asked every one of his “best friends” to be groomsmen/groomswomen, he would have had at least 10 people on his side. I, on the other hand, have 2 best friends. That’s it. I’m just not as social as he is. But–it’s ok. He wound up with 2 best men, 2 groomsmen, and our officiant is one of his best friends from childhood. We asked the others so help with a cultural part of the ceremony that requires 4 people (it’s sort of an iranian version of a huppah), and we asked my brother to do a reading. At first we worried about insulting people, but everyone has been great.
August 11, 2010 5:05 am
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When I got engaged, I asked one of my best friends to be a bridesmaid. She said yes, and off we went. Until we had a conversation on the subject of bridesmaids and in the course of the conversation she offered to step down. And I thought that would have hurt my feelings, and I know other people were convinced it had, but actually it felt so natural and easy to excuse her from that role.
She said “I will do anything you need, but I’ll get to wear my own dress.” And that was the deal we had. It turned out that she loved helping at weddings, but didn’t love being in the spotlight. So while I had toyed with asking her to do a reading or a toast, I was so glad I didn’t. She came out early, stayed with me a week, held my hand through the tough bits, and ran around making everything seamless the day of. I didn’t come up with a way to publicly honor her, and she wouldn’t have liked that. I just let her know how much I love her. And I made sure I got some good pictures of me and her, which took some doing as she was running around like crazy.
August 11, 2010 5:11 am
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That’s such an amazing idea! It’s awesome that she was able to naturally leave the role but still be there for you in a big way.
August 11, 2010 5:19 am
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Ugh, the wedding party. I wish such a thing didn’t exist to be honest. I wish all of my friends could have been there to support me without the need to attach titles to their roles on our wedding day. Titles complicate things and in some cases disappointment for those who don’t receive the titles they feel they deserve. We don’t have a barrage of best friends either, so we ended up choosing friends who we were close with at the time. And family. As much as possible, I would advise choosing family because they will always be family. I don’t have the closest of relationships with my sister, but I chose her as my maid of honor because I hope to some day. And even if we never become best friend kind of close, she will always be my sister and I will always be glad she was right beside me on our wedding day.
“And we’re all wondering why our d*mn friends don’t own cowboy boots and have super chic haircuts, and own impeccable vintage dresses. Or is that just me?”
Nope, definitely not just you, Meg.
August 11, 2010 5:17 am
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I totally hear you, A-L; I don’t have a huge group of friends, and every one of my girl-friends is close enough to me to be “bridesmaid material” so it was really hard not ending up with a huge group of attendants. I ended up having mycollege roommates who still live in Ireland and one of my american friends (thankfully, I have a wonderful sister who’s my maid of honor) and then feeling really guilty when my recently married friend here is basically being a guide to being a bride without losing my mind. I’m trying to figure out how to honor her and other US friends without ending up pushing out family members, of whom there are MANY; I instinctively want everyone to do readings, but that will give us a three-hour church service.
August 11, 2010 5:19 am
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Hi, my post got eaten.
Anyway …
Initially, I wanted to do just one bridesmaid and one groomsman, and FH was supportive of this. However, almost off the bat I realized that there was one other person I really wanted to include, and FH has two brothers. So, perfect. 2 and 2. Easy peasy, right?
Wrong.
I have a cousin, who’s wedding I was in recently (wedding party of 5 and 5), and if I’m asking just one person I can get away with not asking her … but if I’m asking 2, what difference does it make to have a third? We can have an uneven bridal party of 3 and 2, or FH can ask another friend to be his third … whatever. For the sake of family harmony, it was something I felt I needed to do, even though it wasn’t really what I had in mind.
However, before I even had a chance to ask her, she started peppering me with questions about the date/venue, because SHE was in a wedding 2 days after mine (mine is a Friday, this other woman’s is a Sunday), and she needed to know the driving distance so that she could plan around the time of the rehearsal. Mind you, we had JUST set the date and venue, and when I got the email from my cousin, I was out to dinner with BM #2, asking her to be a BM. (I asked BM #1 right away.) I was annoyed that she was already making this about her, and decided that, given the circumstances (her prior commitment AND that she, too, was getting married just a few months before me), it would be best to just keep things at 2 and 2.
Not a week later, my mother starts in on me about how my uncle has indicated to her that my cousin is “very hurt” that I didn’t ask her to be in the wedding. Even if I HAD decided to ask her to be in the wedding, I hadn’t even had time to do it yet! (This, too, coming from the girl who waited as long as July (she got engaged in March and started planning almost immediately) to ask all of her bridesmaids.) I explained to my mother that I hadn’t even had a chance to speak with her about it, but that she was in a wedding 2 days later, and I didn’t feel right about asking her to either renege on her previous commitment, or try and juggle both.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t, right? I made a point of taking her out to lunch and discussing why I decided what I did, and instead asked her to do a reading. She mentioned that her friend had said she wouldn’t be upset if she dropped out of her wedding to be in mine … but, again, I wasn’t OK with that.
August 11, 2010 5:22 am
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This is what I needed to read today! I want to include people in our wedding so everyone feels part of it but I have a huge family, 4 siblings, 4 nieces and a newphew and we have alot of good friends who ahve been really kind to us. Like A_L I don’t want to create an incrowd especially among the children (or more importantly thier parents who don’t want them treated differently!). I haven’t worked out the anwer yet but it is so nice to hear that under the beutiful blog pics of people’s weddings there are these fairly mundane dramas which drive you insane, thanks!
August 11, 2010 5:24 am
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Oh, the wedding party! My favorite response came from my now-husband. When he realized that I would have only one bridesmaid (my best friend since grade 9) and he would have four groomsmen (his three brothers and his oldest friend), he said, totally dismayed, “But who will my brothers dance with?!” Um, their wives? As with everything else wedding-related, people have all kinds of weird expectations–the groomsmen must dance with the bridesmaids!–that they don’t even know they have until you disrupt them.
August 11, 2010 5:31 am
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I have totally had this conversation. Our bridal party: my sister, my brother, my best friend, and my fiance’s cousin. Everyone seemed to be hung up on the dancing – my brother and sister dancing together? Weird. My best friend and 15-year-old brother dancing together? Weird. Plus, why would they want to dance with each other anyway? It’s so weird the stuff people think is necessary to the wedding experience.
August 11, 2010 6:56 am
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Haha. Of all the weird wedding hang ups, I found the “But who will everyone dance with?!” conversation to be THE weirdest! I ended up explaining to multiple people (mom! grandma! friends! aunts!) that the members of our bridal party were actually grownups and would be able to choose a suitable dance partner (or choose not to dance) all by themselves. I couldn’t believe how many people thought that this statement was odd!
In the end, everyone just danced around us in a big, cheerful clump anyway. Glad others found this to be silly, too.
August 11, 2010 7:24 am
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Neither of our best men dance. Period. Full stop. So we skipped the bridal party dance – first dance right into everybody dance. So much easier, in our case, than trying to force those guys to do something they hate. My attendants danced the first song an uncle-type figure and father, respectively. Everything’s better when you take actual people in to consideration, not just tradition.
August 11, 2010 7:56 am
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DUDE? A bridal party dance? I’ve never even heard of such a thing.
I’m glad that one slipped under my radar, it would have been another thing for me to freak out about. :-)
August 11, 2010 8:19 am
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Really? That’s totally the standard out here. Bridal couple, father-daughter, mother-son, bridal party, maybe with parents joining in, and then everyone dances. I mean, obviously variations based on relationships, but totally the norm. I was pleased to skip most of it. And out first song was barely 90 seconds.
August 11, 2010 8:27 am
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Oh, in every wedding I’ve gone to and been in, there is at least one bridal party dance. I HATE IT! It was especially awkward when I was in my friend’s wedding and didn’t know anyone else (the rest were all family). There was one wedding I went to that DIDN’T have one planned, so the bridal party decided to do it anyway and kicked everyone off the dance floor.
August 12, 2010 12:36 pm
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I”ve seen the bridal party dance together at weddings, but I thought it was less of a tradition than a signal to the other guests that the first dance shenanigans had ended and everyone was free to throw down. When I’ve been involved in a wedding party, I always viewed part of my job as making sure everyone had a good time at the reception.
That, and making sure the bride’s train stayed bussled (sp?) and glass stayed full.
August 13, 2010 9:28 am
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I was in a wedding where the “wedding couples” didn’t dance together. Instead, the couple choose a black eye peas “lets get it started” and everyone rocked out. It made it a lot less uncomfortable.
August 11, 2010 8:17 am
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ditto alyssa. i’ve never heard of this.
but i didn’t want to admit it, haha.
August 11, 2010 8:39 am
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Yeah, I didn’t really know about it until my friend’s wedding last year. “Superstition” came on, and the then-boyfriend & I boogied onto the dancefloor. Only after the bride said, “Yeah, sure, you guys join us” did I notice everyone on the dancefloor was in matching outfits.
We boogied backwards off the dancefloor & tried to make it look like it was on-purpose.
August 11, 2010 10:42 am
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“We boogied backwards off the dancefloor & tried to make it look like it was on-purpose.”
I LOVE this. Still giggling. :)
August 11, 2010 11:55 am
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Oh Meg, thank you! I love the honesty in this post. It’s not just that wedding parties are hard, it’s that FRIENDSHIPS are hard. It’s been best for my fiance and I to have a traditional wedding party, but I can’t tell you the level of self-doubt I’ve had about these women and our relationships – wondering what it says about me that I haven’t maintained more/better/closer relationships. Time for me to stop the worry, say enough is enough – my relationships are what they are, and they are right for me, even if they don’t match some externally imposed vision. I know that each member of our wedding party, family, and guests will be thrilled to celebrate with us, and that it’ll make for a day of feeling surrounded by love and joy.
August 11, 2010 5:38 am
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I’m struggling with this too. I asked my sister and my two oldest and dearest friends, but I’m currently on the fence about three others.
One is a college friend. We were very close in college, but have not been as close in recent years despite living nearby to one another. She’s very closed off and secretive and we just don’t feel “connected.” That didn’t stop her from asking me to be her Maid of Honor, however, and it went okay, but she drove me a little nuts by not sharing any info with me whatsoever about the day. This kind of made me feel even further apart. Do I have to ask her to be in mine now that I was her MOH?
Another is a dear work friend and the friend of one of my lifelong friends. She lives across the country. I adore her, but she has a knack for drama and is totally unpredictable. She’s also very far away and I think this could be a real burden for her.
One is a dear friend from college, who is a lesbian, very anti-wedding, and complained to me bitterly about being in a friend’s wedding and wearing a dress last year. I get it, I really do. What’s the problem, you might ask me, since clearly she won’t want to be in my wedding? It’s unfortunately not so black and white. Despite what she has said, I know she’ll be upset if I ask the other college friends and not her.
So even though these are three separate girls from different parts of my life, I almost see it like a package deal. If I stick to sister + oldest friends, I feel most people will see where I drew the “line” and hopefully not be hurt. But if I branch out and ask some but not all other “close” friends, I will offend people. I’ll probably offend people no matter what, realistically. When did this get so hard?
August 11, 2010 5:40 am
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i don’t know your friends (duh) but i do think that sometimes in wedding-type-nonsense, we assume people will be insulted and offended… and they’re often not. at least, this was my experience.
August 11, 2010 6:21 am
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I think you’re definitely right. If it was anything else in life, I would bring it up to my friends and we’d talk it out and I’d walk away knowing how they felt. But this just seems like the kind of thing you can’t talk about in advance with a “potential” wedding party member. But, thanks for the reminder. I think it’s a great point :-)
August 11, 2010 7:00 am
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Unfortunately in my case, all the insult and injury one could predict was there, and then some. I didn’t ask my old best friend from grade school, who I’ve stayed friends with but certainly not close, to be a bridesmaid and she took it really really hard. Now with the wedding behind us I think we are all right finally, but it took months and months. I made my choices mainly based on who I truly wanted there with me that day, bu also partly out of obligation to a friend whose wedding party I had been in. That I regret. Basically what I’m saying is, even though it’s awful to put people in this position of having to “rank” their friends, this honor does mean a lot to some people so tread gently.
August 11, 2010 9:17 am
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I had several conversations with people that started with, “I’d love for you to be involved in my wedding. What do you think you might like to do, A, B, or C?” I felt like I avoided the “I’m auditioning you to be a bridesmaid” impression, and gained some leeway to involve people in roles that they might not have originally thought about but suited them better. I mean, there were a couple times where people were like “whatever you want, you’re the bride!” which is bull and just meant we had to go around in circles a few times before getting to the point. But it was worth it. Especially since you already have the kind of relationship with your friends where you can talk stuff out, I think the key message to get across is just that you love them and want to honor them in ways that feel right to them.
August 11, 2010 12:21 pm
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For my 2 cents, I like to go with not “what I want because it’s my day,” but what will actually make me feel more calm and supported on my wedding day.
If you know in your gut that someone is going to make drama no matter what you do, I’d keep them as far from you as possible on the day. And if someone doesn’t like weddings but is super-cool and supportive, maybe they’re your right-hand-person, and talk to them about what they’d feel comfortable with. Maybe their job is to protect you from the drama.
Not saying those are your friends’ attributes – just an example.
August 11, 2010 6:59 am
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YES! That’s what I keep coming back to actually…who will help me feel calm and supported on my wedding day. With the three girls I’ve chosen, I can picture getting ready with them, sharing moments together, and them helping me feel calm and supported (although you never know with my sister, which is why one of my friends is on sister patrol). With the three others, I can picture every single one of them saying or doing something that will stress me out. I think that is actually part of the bottom line here and the main reason I am shying away from asking them (aside from the fact that I prefer a smaller group).
August 11, 2010 7:36 am
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I think you’ve figured it out! You have a very clear line you can say you had to draw, not including any of those three should save you from hurting too many feelings. I had a similar situation, where I would have loved to have 2 of my closest college friends in my bridal party, but inviting them would have hurt others in that group of friends, so I drew the line at sisters + bff from high school + the girl I was roommates with all through college (she was the one college friend I could justify because we had kind of made a pact in college that we would be in each others weddings, and I had just been in hers the year before). I was worried my friends would be hurt so I talked to them both about it and they were surprised I was worried, they totally understood and never would have thought anything of it if I hadn’t explained. BUT they both appreciated that I had gone to the trouble of explaining. In the end, the 2 I had left out probably would have been way better at the job than the girl I did pick, but what can you do. It was a political decision.
August 11, 2010 10:26 am
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Ahh I feel your pain – the package deal is a tough one. I decided that two sisters and two/three bestest ladies was too many for our super casual wedding, but couldn’t split it either way – friends over sisters or sisters over friends – neither felt right.
I think if it were just my day, I would choose my two oldest dearest friends. But I very much agree that the day is about our community as much as it is about me and the boy, and I wouldn’t want to hurt my sisters by not including them. So I decided to not have any. I do think feelings were hurt but am hoping to use some of Meg’s ideas to make it clear to them how much I love (and need) them on the day.
August 12, 2010 12:13 am
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We have a built in wedding party- siblings. I two sisters and his sister, he two brothers and one best friend who would have been best man and now may be officiant.*
But all of those sister-bridesmaids come with those dang sisterly issues. We are critical. We know just how to hurt each other. As sisters, we are very likely to be brutally honest (especially about meeting conservative familial expectation). I’m cringing at the thought of planning my dress with any of their input (what do you mean you’re MAKING it yourself- it isn’t a halloween costume). Maybe they will surprise me and be nice. All I can do is try to be nice first.
So I’m keeping my bridal brigade in the wings- my friends from college who are now all over the country (too far to look at anything together, but not too far to email or call!). To keep me sane. To bounce ideas off. They know who they are. I would like to do something else to honor them, though.
*which makes my mom say “but people will think it’s just a play wedding if his friend marries you!” Right. Could someone please explain how I might accidentally invite a performance art audience in place of wedding guests.
August 11, 2010 5:40 am
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It sounds like you’ve got a pretty good line on what you’re doing! I fielded a lot of comments like that as well on things we’re dit-ing. But with the family stuff, hopefully you’ll find that they’re also so overwhelmed with happiness for you that even the mean ones are nice!
That’s how it was for me — it was a bit weird at first that as our engagement goes on and the wedding gets closer, my mom has stopped worrying about our interfaith marriage & wedding, my (very catholic) grandmother has said she’s excited to see what Jewish elements we’ll incorporate into the ceremony, etc. The people with their hearts in the right place will perk up and be supportive. That’s the transformative power of wedding joy!
But like Meg says, family issues that have been around for years won’t magically disappear because it’s your wedding day. Just try to focus on the positive!
August 11, 2010 12:01 pm
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We have built-in attendants, too. I have two brothers and two sisters-in-law. He has a brother, a sister, and a sister-in-law (and a son and a daughter. :) ) Between us, we have two nieces and two nephews.
We asked the seven siblings to be our attendants. The men are excited, as are two of the ladies. One of the other ladies had an awful time as a bridesmaid once, and swore never to do it again. She didn’t for her sister-in-law, and isn’t sure she will for us. The last “lady” told my mother she couldn’t live through not being the center of attention, and so wouldn’t even come to the wedding. We have yet to hear that from her.
Ah, the joys of siblings. Truthfully, though, despite all of that heartache, I wouldn’t ask anyone else. If my sisters-in-law can’t do the very little I ask of them for my wedding, I’d just as soon know that now than years from now.
August 11, 2010 2:35 pm
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oh, i am SO tempted to ask for the full story about the last lady.
but i won’t.
but SO TEMPTED.
August 11, 2010 8:19 pm
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You know, I just never saw the point of this wedding party nonsense, so I didn’t have one. And in the next wedding, if it materialises, I won’t have one then either. One can do a lot more colouring outside of the lines than rethinking traditions — sometimes it can be most liberating to do away with them altogether. I can dress myself and hold my own flowers just fine, thanks. So much cheaper and less hassle with internecine politics to nix the whole archaic idea altogether.
August 11, 2010 5:43 am
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Ditto. All my life, I have secretly wondered what the point was of wedding parties. I always kept that particular thought to myself because some people really do love them.
But, for many people, the wedding party is a source of stress because it adds emotional issues, logistics, frustrations, and expense. It just seems like an avoidable complication in an already complicated event.
But that’s just me. If you have your heart set on a wedding party, then rock on with your bad self. I promise to be happy for you. :D
But if it feels like a stress you’d rather skip, then don’t bother. ;)
August 11, 2010 7:04 am
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Followup on possible hurt feelings engendered by wedding parties:
Long before any of my friends got married, I had one friend who got married at age 19. She and I had been friends since we were five. We grew up two houses apart from each other.
She asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her and I was excited to do so. Later on, I found out her huge wedding party was going to consist of all her cousins and only ONE friend. You can’t imagine how shocked I was to find out that I wasn’t asked to be a bridesmaid, and this other friend was.
There is nothing like finding out where you stand in the friendship hierarchy. I’d rather not know. LOL The terrible thing is, it’s been decades and I am still conscious of the fact that she didn’t consider us as close as I thought.
August 11, 2010 7:38 am
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And what is bad is the myriad of reasons that may have happened. It could have been pressure from family, ridiculous height considerations (I hate that excuse), pressure from the other friend and she thought you could take it, which you could because you didn’t throw a hissy fit and are so nice I bet she’s never known. :-)
That’s why it’s important for people to be honest with each other. (SO easier said than done.) I was a bridesmaid for a friend and when I asked her to be in my wedding, she accepted but then later declined. It hurt, especially because her words were, “You know I’m not into girly stuff like weddings, not even my own.” BUT, it was true. And she knew I needed someone who would squeal over the things that I wanted to squeal over and who genuinely wanted to be in the wedding. It’s caused tension in her relationship with my husband, but I love her just as much; even a little more so because she’s terrible at faking things and if she hated it then I would have felt bad and there would be guilt all around. :-)
August 11, 2010 8:35 am
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Actually, she asked the other girl to be the only “friend” bridesmaid among all the cousins, because she TRULY WAS her closest girlfriend. I realized this later on after observing how much of their lives they shared with each other. I never knew.
See, I didn’t catch on that the bride considered the other girl to be closer than me until the bridal party choice made it obvious. Ignorance was bliss. ;)
I don’t know if brides are still asking people to preside over the guest book anymore, but we all knew back then that first-string girlfriends were asked to be bridesmaids, and second-string girlfriends were asked to handle guest books, etc ….
Oh yes, the potential for hurt feelings is endless. LOL
August 11, 2010 9:39 am
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I know exactly how this feels. When my oldest brother got married, his wife and I had been friends since junior high school. I assumed that as both a sister and a friend, I would be asked to be a bridesmaid. Wrong. Her sister and three other friends were bridesmaids, but I was not. I can’t tell you how hurt and generally pissed off I was about that — for many, many years. My oldest brother held the video camera for their wedding and often talked about feeling like hired help.
We decided not to have any bridesmaids or groomsmen for our wedding (we’re including all of the kids, none of the adults — just like we do for Christmas presents). I asked my brother to officiate for us (mostly because he’s funny, so I thought he would have a little fun with it). I was thinking about asking my oldest brother if he would like to help out with the bbq for our welcome picnic. When I mentioned this recently to my oldest brother and my mom, mom immediately said that he still harbored ill will over being the videographer, to which my brother responded, “It’s been 20 years. Shouldn’t he be over that by now?”
Wedding parties are tricky, tricky things. So tricky, we’re opting out and just sticking with flower girls and ring bearers.
August 11, 2010 10:19 am
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I want to “exactly” this a million bazillion times! My oldest brother’s now-wife lived with me for two years in college and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid. My sister and I were only asked to help a few weeks before the wedding- I sang at the ceremony and she did the readings. It was my brother who asked, not the bride, and we definitely felt like the hired help.
I’ve mostly gotten over it (my mantra is “be the bigger person”)- but was pretty hurt that she didn’t communicate (we lived together *while* she was wedding planning) with me or my parents, who basically got ignored.
August 11, 2010 2:31 pm
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so here’s my question, sarah and katelyn… there seems to be a fine line between HONORING someone by giving them a part in the ceremony and making them feel like “hired help.” what was the distinction for you?
josh and i both had women who were really influential in our lives, and we asked them to do a reading and a song in the ceremony. i hope they saw it as a means of incorporating them, and not of using them.
August 11, 2010 8:21 pm
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For my part, I was completely left out of the wedding party. As in, they didn’t even take pictures with the siblings, which meant that my brother had a job (videographer) but was not treated like family (not in the wedding pictures or party) and I was not treated like family, either (I was just like any regular guest). This really hurt. My family all left the reception shortly after the cake was cut, with my brother and dad being sent off to take the leftover food to the homeless shelter. My brother and his wife were both really young, which probably had a lot to do with how things went down.
I think we all struggled to think of my sister-in-law as family for many years because we did not feel like she thought of US as family, if that makes sense. After my niece was born, the family dynamic changed dramatically, but it definitely took a baby to heal that wound.
We are being very careful not to ask anyone to do wedding chores (we don’t have anyone designated as the “guest book attendant,” which always feels like the second-tier freind job, for instance). We hired a photographer so that my family will be in the pictures, not taking them. We are, however, asking a couple of people to do things that are meaningful to us (honoring them and our relationship): my brother will be the officiant; I have asked my mom, who sews, to make the ring bearer pillow because I don’t sew; our flower girls are helping make the simple wedding crafts so that they feel like they are part of the process. We’re trying not to burden people or occupy them with chores during the party, and it is very important to us that everyone be included in photos and fun.
August 11, 2010 10:49 pm
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We did not have a bridesmaids/ groomsmen either. Two of our good friends did readings, another friend and my sister were the witnesses that signed the register. To do anything more than that seems a bit over the top for a civil wedding ceremony with 40 odd guests.
The only exception I would have made would be cute little flower girls, but there weren’t any little relatives available so that got cancelled too….
August 11, 2010 9:25 am
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It’s been interesting to see how those wedding blog pics influence our perceptions about the idea of a wedding party. My fiance has been really struggling with having the “right” wedding party – the right people, the right amount of them, and it seems like his perception is being fueled by pictures of guys hanging out with their buddies in suits and tuxes, looking like they are having a grand ‘ol time. But getting from here to there, where you’re actually doing the hanging out, having fun bit, isn’t so cut and dry.
It’s one thing to not feel pressured into asking people just for the sake of appearances or relational dynamics, but sometimes you just don’t even know what would make you happiest.
August 11, 2010 5:49 am
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I think there is so much built into the idea of your bridesmaids being with you every step of the way, helping with diy, cheering you on through dress shopping, etc. My bridesmaids were all out of state, everyone of them.
I got so many comments throughout the planning process about why did I choose out of state bridesmaids, or couldn’t your bridesmaids help you with that? So now I am supposed to choose my closet friends, but only ones that live close by, and can afford a dress, and will agree to my every wish and desire? Its just not realistic!
That being said, I was so happy that I had my closest friends and husbands sisters up with me on the day of the wedding, but there is no way to deal with the whole wedding party without some hurt feelings, which STINKS!
August 11, 2010 5:58 am
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I have never understood this whole bridesmaid = take part in all the planning activities thing. As a bridesmaid I don’t think I’ve ever helped with any significant choices other than input on the bridesmaid dress or answering the occasional “it wouldn’t be too weird if we did X instead of Y, would it?” And task-wise, I once helped address and stuff envelopes. I know the Knot and such always say the bridesmaid’s “duties” are to help the bride with whatever she needs, but I always took that to mean on the day of, if she needs someone to go grab her purse that has the dental floss in it or whatever, not to be her wedding-related servant for the entire engagement and planning process. I am a notably bad delegator, it’s true, but there are very few aspects of the wedding planning process that it even occurred to me to involve anyone with other than my fiance.
August 11, 2010 7:07 am
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i’m with you guys. i think there are probably two ways to view the whole role and title and whatever. 1) honoring friends and 2) doling out chores.
i would hope every single effing bride picks ladies just because they want to honor them and point them out in same way. and not because she’s wringing her hands in delight over the thought of them addressing envelopes.
August 11, 2010 7:15 am
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When I was in the wedding of one of my best friends, I ended up helping her with things like picking out the photographer, but I never felt like it was a “bridesmaid duty.” It was exactly the kind of thing we do for each other all the time, just like when I went looking at houses with her and her husband while I was visiting a few months ago. My “bridesmaid duties” seemed to fit in perfectly with normal “friend duties,” and I loved being involved.
August 13, 2010 6:16 am
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Yes, I think the big problem comes in from calling those kinds of things ‘bridesmaids duties’. There is one thing a bridesmaid does out of duty, I think, thinking about it: wearing what the bride wants them to wear*. Everything else should be out of friendship, or familial love. Personally, I don’t expect my bridesmaids to do any more than that. But I’d love it if they want to participate in things like helping address invites… but on the flip side, I also don’t want to feel guilty for not inviting them bridal dress shopping (for example, one of my best friends is one of those tall, thin funky girls on whom everything looks great, and not only does that mean she doesn’t understand my plus-sized plight emotionally, she also suggests clothes or things for me that there is no way would look good on me or most people even, just because she’s one of those people blessed by God that no matter WHAT they were, it ends up looking chic, funky, and COOL. Whereas for every ten items I try on, nine make me feel ugly.) So even though I love her and want her taste (which is actually fabulous, and I really like–it’s just I can’t pull it off like she can, and she doesn’t understand that not everyone can) when it comes to everything else like decor, invites, etc, I will NOT invite her dress shopping. :) And it’s not cause I don’t love her and appreciate her, its just because when I go ordinary clothes shopping with her I know she’s always grabbing things that would make me look or feel like a blimp and saying ‘try this’. lol
Anyway, my reason for saying that was just sometimes when bridesmaids have ‘duties’ they either feel obligated and drafted for something dreaded, or they feel entitled to be a part of some aspect of wedding planning for which you, lovingly, know you’d rather not have their say in. But understanding that the only duty a bridesmaid has is attire (and personally I believe in at least some choice in dresses [even in a formal, traditional wedding, letting them pick different necklines, or between two colors or something is great], and letting them pick their own shoes, hair, and make up). Of course the bridesmaid also has to come to the wedding, lol. And be supportive and cheerful… but that one is also a friend duty. (The cheerful part– I realize not all friends can come to all weddings. It KILLED me not to go to one of my best friend’s wedding earlier this year, but I was out of a job and it was three states away and I simply couldn’t.)
*Well, that could be too, but it also may not be, and with all the flak brides seem to get all along the decision making process, they don’t need it from their bridesmaids (admittedly, I believe in giving bridesmaids some sort of choice).
August 15, 2010 6:39 pm
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My bridesmaids were my sisters. My sister lives in another province, and his sister lives in another country. They “helped with nothing” and there wasn’t a person I would have rather had stand up with me. (And do nervous shots with me before the ceremony.) Was I not going to pick Erin because she gets to live in Mexico? Hardly! I’m jealous, wouldn’t you be? Why would that mean I should have excluded her? Nonsense.
August 11, 2010 8:07 am
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I can’t wait for tomorrow’s post!
I didn’t want a wedding party at all, but my sister was hurt and then I felt like we would feel awkward up front all by ourselves so we decided to have a small party. My two sisters will stand up with me and my fiance will have two friends up there with him. Now my sisters are making me nervous because they don’t have dresses yet and we’re only six weeks away — I told them they could wear whatever they wanted, but I keep second-guessing myself and being nervous. For what?! They’re not going to be up there naked. I look forward to seeing pictures of non-matching parties. A lot.
August 11, 2010 6:03 am
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Don’t stress about it! I’m sure your sisters have been dressing themselves for a long time ;)
I did exactly the same thing though experienced more stress than I would have thought. I didn’t really want a full-on, official bridesmaids, but I didn’t want to hurt my sisters’ feelings. So we’re having them as, more or less, official, and we’re having just my groom’s brother. It might be uneven in that sense, but I think there’s a bit of symmetry in that we’re just having our siblings.
I did want mis-matching bridesmaids dresses, since I didn’t want it to look like we had an official wedding party, and I couldn’t believe how much of a to-do it was to get my sisters to pick out just normal dresses they liked. But in the end, they picked great dresses, they’ll look gorgeous, but most importantly they’ll be standing right by me at a big moment in my life.
good luck with working it out; just try not to worry about something that’s supposed to be easier!
August 11, 2010 12:10 pm
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Thank you!! I’m having tons of trouble deciding, I finally thought I might have an idea for what I would like to do regarding the girls and apparently I pissed one girl off because of it. In the meantime I’m a bridesmaid in another wedding and I’ve decided it’s only something you give to people you really hate, so I’m beginning to question my original decision anyway based off of this current experience.
August 11, 2010 6:17 am
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After a lot of thought and realizing that my husband and I simply don’t have a matching set of best friends, we decided not to have a bridal party but instead, have friends help us in various ways (playing music, doing make-up, etc.). Although this caused confusion for our more traditional friends who were part of the non-wedding party, it still saved us (and our friends) stress. My husband isn’t from around here, while I have friends from grade school that I’d want to stand up with me. He could avoid the awful feeling of asking people he’d just met to stand with him. Also, I didn’t have to ask friends to fit into dresses that they may not be comfortable in. For example, one of my closest friends just had a baby and is extremely upset with her weight. Asking her to try on dresses would have simply made her feel terrible. We’re happy with what we chose. We didn’t need an array of friends in a perfect line. We needed each other and the support of those who love us.
August 11, 2010 6:19 am
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Aaah yes, the wedding party. I have only ever been in one wedding (my best friend from High School), but in addition to that friend, my potential bridesmaid roster was very deep: I have a sister, 3 close friends from college and 3 cousins I’m close with. Eight is way too many, and my fiance only has a couple of very close friends. After some discussion, we decided that one was enough for us. My sister will be standing next to me, his best friend next to him.
My friends are actually pretty psyched not to be bridesmaids – they can be there for all the fun stuff and be there to support me, but they don’t have to spend any money on a dress they don’t love. It was also pretty great to be able to tell my sister a color and have her go buy a dress she does love :)
August 11, 2010 6:20 am
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previos to being engaged i had languished over the idea of picking a BP. My fiance has loads of dear old friends where i have a small select of close friends from many stages of my life. In the end i picked them based on my gut. one id known for decades, one was soon-to-be family, another I had met the previous year. some were boys, some i asked drunk. in the end, they all were happy to support and helped calm me down the day of.
the dresses were annoying. i said “any blue dress” and i meant it. any shade, any style any length. i did this not only to help them manage their own costs, but to preserve their individuality that i appreciate so much. Most ended up going to a bridal shop anyway and it bothered me that they still complained to me and others about the cost of their dress – when that fate was in their hands from the get go!
the fact is: people love to complain. dont take it personally!
August 11, 2010 6:23 am
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I got to that point, too. After deciding I did want the women in matching dresses, I was driving myself crazy with trying to find a dress that I thought would fit each body type, and suit each person’s budget, and tastes, and so on. I ultimately realized that it wouldn’t be possible, not just because they are each different (duh) but also because it is so clearly a part of the WIC-bridesmaid story to complain about the dress, or the price, or the color, or the material, or whether it may or may not be something you can wear again.
August 11, 2010 12:49 pm
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AHAHAHA! This is excatly what happended to me. Like, verbatim. (Except only my darling sister went to a bridal shop. And I paid for the dresses.)
If I could do it all again, I would either have a) one bridesmaid or b) picked out the damned dresses myself.
But I’m happy with the final result, even if I didn’t listen to my gut until last week…. my poor cousin got left off the list because of our dumb “vision” of “people with a big part in BOTH of our lives RIGHT NOW”. But now she’s onboard. She’s wearing her junior prom dress. Sweet!
So yes. Happy ending. All will be well next Friday (The Big Day).
August 12, 2010 1:58 pm
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Scratch that: My MOM and I paid for the dresses. What a great mom.
August 12, 2010 2:01 pm
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Meg, thank you SO MUCH for acknowledging that “having people pick their own dresses is an enormous pain in the ass, because everyone wants you to pick for them.”
Because that is 100% true. I would have been completely open to letting my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, but they were all very busy women with similar budgets and styles who thought nothing of doing the whole matching-dress thing. So, I picked a few dresses, put it to a vote, and it happened that they all (7 of them…. I have a big family) liked the same dress. It was so much easier than what I’d seen happen to a friend of mine when a bride told her to “pick any yellow dress,” and she ended up, over the course of several months, buying and returning thirteen yellow dresses in a quest for the perfect one.
Not saying that matching dresses are right for everyone any more than mis-matched dresses are right for everyone. But I did have that “I’m not having an indie enough wedding” panic for a few days, until I realized that everyone was happy, and that was way more important than fitting some indie ideal.
And, on the wedding day, they looked great, and each person looked completely like themselves even if they were all in the same dress.
August 11, 2010 6:25 am
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yep. i told my ladies to wear whatever the hell they wanted.
they all picked the same dress.
so much for my indie cred.
August 11, 2010 6:30 am
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Haha! Ironically, the only part of my bridesmaids’ outfits that didn’t match was the part I picked with no input from them – I got them all different jewelry to fit their personalities.
August 11, 2010 6:40 am
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Indeed. I went with the choose-your-own dress thing mostly because I initially was only going to have my sister, and by the time I decided I really wanted to add one other very close friend as a bridesmaid, my super-planner sister had already found a dress that she loved, and it wasn’t a color that would have looked good on bridesmaid #2 even if it had still been available (the dress was used). So bridesmaid #2 was charged with finding a dress that would look nice next to my sister’s. It has definitely been more of a PITA than I expected, and that’s with only two people. I can’t imagine trying to do pick-your-own-dress with a large party unless you go the little black dress route or both you and your wedding party members are honestly fine with “no, really, just wear whatever you would wear if you were a guest.”
I’ve also been on the other side when that same sister got married and told each of us (also just two attendants) to just pick something long that would go with her color scheme. I had a really hard time finding something and ended up with one that wasn’t flattering or nearly as nice as what her sister-in-law picked, which obviously could be the end result if you let the bride pick everyone’s dresses, but since I’d chosen it, I felt like I’d let her down by it not being nice enough.
August 11, 2010 6:43 am
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Huh. I’ve chosen the choose your own little black dress route and let me tell you, that’s just as much of a PITA. It’s a constant stream of “do you like this one” emails featuring dresses I’m never going to see in real life because they all live in different places! I have this feeling I’m going to end up choosing for them but I REALLY just want them to wear something they like. And there was me thinking I was making it easier…
August 11, 2010 8:40 am
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There goes that theory! I guess the only way to avoid bridesmaid dress stress is to not have bridesmaids, or to choose ones from a completely different culture/headspace who would be completely baffled at the idea of the bride having any input into what they’re wearing.
August 11, 2010 8:53 am
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Ha ha. Exactly. I told my b’maids to pick any red dress they wanted. Then said really, any bright color would do, anything they liked. Then assured them I would be fine with anything they picked. Then repeated all of the above statements several times. After a while of this though, they confessed that they thought choosing a dress would be too stressful and that it would be easier if I just picked something out. And I did. So much for easy-breezy indie-mismatched wedding style!
August 11, 2010 7:41 am
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i identify with the pick-your-own-dress drama! i had zero interest in choosing bridesmaid dresses so i told my maids to wear their own black dresses. HUGE backlash!! my mom & my maids insisted this was a bad choice because i don’t wear or like black much but honestly, i didn’t care. still, i changed my approach to choose your own purple dress. then i got comment after comment about how i was going to end up with a million shades of purple & it would look awful. again, i didn’t care but everyone else seemed to care a lot. long story short, my sister (my maid of honor) & i are going bridesmaid dress shopping this weekend. sigh.
August 11, 2010 9:38 am
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I asked my bridesmaids to choose their own dress. They disagreed and pretty much demanded that I pick a dress. It became a huge problem because some had no budget and some did and some made a ton of suggestions and one person completely vetoed the store I was thinking of (?) and some wanted to roam the city looking for a dress that would work from the mall. This was very stressful. Nasty emails were sent. Without meaning to, I hurt someone’s feelings while getting mine hurt as well. If I had to do this over again, I either would have put my foot down about people choosing their own unique dresses or would have not had a bridal party at all. It’s really left a bad taste in my mouth and made me reluctant to ask my best friends for help with the wedding, lest it break open more problems.
Bridal parties – yeah, complicated.
August 11, 2010 10:03 am
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I did this too! I wanted my bridesmaids (3 sisters) to wear different dresses (not clashing, not matching), and had a ton of trouble with it. They all wanted the same thing! We hit a good place in the end, but it was way more complicated than “Just pick any dress you love” seemed at first.
August 11, 2010 12:13 pm
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Oh, I so identify with this. I started agonizing about the wedding party the same week I got engaged. Then I had a brilliant thought not to have any wedding party. I don’t have a lot of friends, I don’t keep in touch really with anyone from college, and my oldest friend that I keep in touch with lives in San Francisco and could’t come to my wedding. I have a lot of cousins whom I love dearly but not like “oh be my bridesmaid because we are so tight”. I also have a SIL who is nice but we see each other 3 times a year and we are not close. I was a bridesmaid for her in 1997 and I know she did it because that’s what you “do” — you invite the siblings of your intended to be in your wedding party. Well at that time we had been face-to-face maybe a half-dozen times in all the years she had been dating my brother and we barely knew each other, we certainly weren’t friends. I didn’t want to do it and my mom made me so not to hurt her feelings. So — I decided that I would have no one, and not hurt her feelings by not asking her. I’m not sure she would’ve wanted to do it anyway; she is busy with a life and a young family. And I didn’t hurt anyone else’s feelings either by having to choose some over the others.
My new husb and I each chose 2 people to hold our chuppah. I chose my best friend who helped with all my DIY projects and a dear cousin. He chose his 2 dearest friends. Both of our brothers signed our marriage license as the witnesses. And that’s all we had. Oh, wait, that’s not all — we had my 2 little nieces and his 2 little nephews, all between 4 1/2 and 8 years old, carry banners in the wedding procession that said “here comes the groom” and “here comes the bride” and that was our pseudo wedding party/procession. The children were thrilled and their parents were thrilled and no adult feelings got hurt, because the kids were so cute.
And I didn’t feel any regret that I had no MOH or bridesmaids. And my SIL is still talking to me.
August 11, 2010 6:25 am
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I should apologize for lurking and not commenting for so long, but I feel like commenting is for when I need a sanity check, and I have surprisingly not needed any recently.
Anyway. Regarding wedding parties. I will say that we are very lucky in the wedding party department. Everyone who was going to be a bridesninja knew she’d be one – all I had to do was say the word. We are a quintet of close college friends, like Sex and the City only the city is different, we’re not 35, we are mostly married or partnered off and we’re not “media-accepted” hot. My Supreme Ninja is my younger sister, and we are quite close. She’s done a few slightly immature things (when I was considering a skirt and corset she called it “tacky”, for instance, and I had to set her straight. I didn’t go that route but still – not cool sis) but all in all it was a natural, easy choice and she’s really been there for me, especially as my fiance and I plan this shindig from the other side of the planet (it’s tough – I wrote a whole blog post about planning a wedding back home as an expat, and my blog isn’t even slightly wedding-related).
They’re not graphic designers or super creative types, but they are willing to help, they are smart and organized, they are genuine, they are there for me, and yeah, none of them is a graphic designer but they’re all helping so much (another friend *is* a graphic designer – and he did our invitations for us).
When we came home over New Year’s, they hosted an engagement party / New Year’s bash for us. Basically a New Year’s party with a toast to us thrown in. (The New Year’s bash part made it possible to invite people who aren’t invited to the wedding, as they also invited their own friends, and it was not a gift giving occasion. This is good as most of our actual guests don’t live in the city they all live in, and we attended college in).
I told them “jewel tones” and then, when that was too general, said “OK, one of you in red, one of you in blue, one of you in purple and one of you in either green, copper or gold)”. The other great thing? Other than my sister, we are all college friends so they could easily consult one another on choices. They e-mailed me their choices so I could give the thumbs-up. (The “red” bridesmaid ended up in bright jewel pink as there were no good red choices. OK!).
The only drama I can think of is that my sis keeps implying that pictures will look bad if they don’t “match” (I’m her older sister so I get to slap her upside the head for that – yay!) and one of our readers dislikes one of my bridesninjas – but they’re adults. They’ll be fine.
Groomsmen? My fiance has a younger brother just as I have a younger sister. The college friends are a mutual group, so their husbands/boyfriends are my fiance’s groomspirates. The bridesninjas get to walk down the aisle with not just any groomspirate – but their actual partner! Only my sister and his brother don’t get that advantage (my sister is single anyway, and I’ve never met his brother’s fiancee…or his brother – long story but basically we live abroad so those things are hard).
We’re not “perfect” though – not one of us looks model-worthy though we all look good in our own way. Two of my ninjas are overweight (they’re beautiful regardless – I mention this fact only because bridal magazines and websites – I’m looking at you Green Wedding Shoes and Style Me Pretty – don’t feature many, or any, overweight women. When they do, they’re in bum-fugly dresses and always the ‘token plus size’ the way that non-white people are ‘token ethnic friends’). The third is very, very short. My sister has an athlete’s body, not a model’s. I am not stick-thin myself, I have bad skin, thin hair and ugly teeth. We are by no means the perfect Bridal Magazine Wedding Party.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Just to say – it IS possible to have a non-dramatacular wedding party. It can be done. It does exist. That party may not look like it popped off the front page of Style Me Pretty but *inside*, it can happen.
August 11, 2010 6:26 am
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We just had our wedding with unmatched bridal party sides – I had 10 bridesmaids, and he had 4 groomsmen. I am the oldest of seven sisters and I would not hear of leaving any of them out, plus I have three good friends who I really wanted to stand up there with me as I took my vows. My husband has two brothers and two good friends who stood with him.
It just never mattered that the sides were uneven, I remember a few people panicking over it – “but it’ll be UNEVEN!” me: “it’s not like we are on a teeter-totter up there.”
When one of our guests toasted me and said that my decision to have 10 bridesmaids reflected my personality because I tend to make decisions that are right for me, and I don’t worry or look back, I was proud and happy.
I must say that my ten bridesmaid looked lovely in their gray dresses (any style or shade, they pick) carrying their pink peonies.
August 11, 2010 6:36 am
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LOL not on a teeter totter!!
I want to say that.
August 11, 2010 7:28 am
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It is fascinating to me that people buy into (& then expect) this very clear separation of your “best” friends from your wedding guests. Luckily, I have 2 female cousins who are the same age as me, creating an obvious & factual distinction. (And happily, one of them is wearing a vest & trousers combo.) But if I was forced to choose from friends? I’m not sure it would be worth it.
Let me say that my parents told me to do what felt right, not what I think other people expect/want. I would extend that to all of you. Of course, if it’s worth it to you to avoid conflict, great.
For me, friends are on a continuum, and if I start down that continuum, the one just slightly less of a close friend than a bridesmaid is going to be hurt I didn’t pick her. As it is, I’m only inviting friends to the wedding to whom I actually say, “I love you,” and mean it. That’s getting me in enough trouble…
August 11, 2010 6:37 am
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what a great boundary line!! I’ve been trying to think of a good concrete one but only inviting those I love dearly, and tell them so, is brilliant! Thank you :)
August 11, 2010 6:59 am
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that is a great distinction for the guest list. it got me in trouble too, but it was so worth it!
August 11, 2010 10:50 am
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I WISH I had done that. I went with the “if I haven’t spoken to you in a year, you’re not coming,” and that STILL got me in trouble with family.
And I think your firm attitude is great, and in the end will cause you a lot less heartache then those of us who tried to stick to our guns and then fell apart unless whiny family member pressure…
August 11, 2010 11:06 am
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I actually came to the opposite conclusion with this problem. I tried sticking to my guns about lame-o family members, but I found that it just wasn’t worth the hurt that I would cause my father (he’s Portguese and is *very* Old World about it). My experience with wedding planning and the guest list (which was our only big stressor) was that it was worth it to compromise.
Also, I should note, my parents are paying for 90% of the wedding, so it was hard to be completely firm about who they could & could not invite.
August 11, 2010 12:18 pm
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I should say, that rule applies to my friends. My mom put her foot down about all the aunts & uncles being invited (which is half the guest list), and I didn’t argue too much. And parents’ friends who’ve known me all my life? They’re on there, too. (It’s just my generation I’m worried about now…)
August 11, 2010 1:43 pm
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we invited all the lame-o’s… err, i mean… relatives we had never met/hadn’t seen in ages.
it was FABULOUS.
i definitely see the value of an intimate wedding, but let me tell ya. it was much better than i ever anticipated. it was like an honor to be the reason that people in our families were reunited. amazing feeling.
August 11, 2010 8:25 pm
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The perfect bridal party. I almost wish we hadn’t asked anyone to be in our wedding, coordinating all of those people has become a tremendous pain in my ass.
We decided to have 3 each. My side of the bridal party consists of my friend from kindergarten, the friend who introduced us, his sister. The problem is, no one lives near me. I’m 5 hours away from the geographically closest bridesmaid. So that’s tough. They can’t really help me with much, they pretty much just show up that day and I give them a bouquet. Since I don’t want a bachelorette party and my mother in law desperately wants to throw my bridal shower, there isn’t much for them to do anyway.
To complicate matters, my best friend from kindergarten is like a sister to me. But she’s a recovering addict. I refused to speak to her until she went to rehab so we kind of grew apart in that time. But she’s been sober for 4 years, and we’ve gotten close again. But I really suspect she’s using again (her behavior, it’s so incredibly reminiscent of the days before her recovery) and I don’t want her near me if she’s back on drugs. There’s no forum on the kn*t for that particular problem, I can assure you!
August 11, 2010 6:42 am
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I know it’s a super serious issue, and I dearly hope that your friend is not using again, but I just needed to say that you actually made me laugh out loud at the Kn*t comment.
Perhaps we ought to suggest it?
August 11, 2010 8:49 am
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We had a small wedding party – his brother was his best man and I had my two best friends as maids of honor. That’s it. We’re in our thirties and the idea of a huge wedding party did not fit in with our vision for the day.
But then my aunt heard that I was not planning on asking my younger cousin to be a bridesmaid. (Which would, of course, have meant that I had to ask my other cousin, thereby doubling the size of my party.) And she stopped talking to me. Totally stopped talking to me. I was actually in a dress store literally trying on what would become my wedding dress when my bridesmaid choices innocently came out, and she completely shut down. It took months for our relationship to return to normal.
Everything worked out in the end but yeah – wedding parties are tough.
August 11, 2010 6:43 am
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Oh I hear ya. I am also having a small wedding party (just my two best friends) and my fiance is having his brother and two best friends. I wasn’t going to have a wedding party but it was important to him so that’s cool. The problem is that I have a half sister who I was close to (but didn’t grow up with it make it more complicated) but some family drama a few years ago caused her to stop talking to our dad and my extension me. So now in the past maybe 8 months we’ve started to have a relationship again, but (for me at least) it isn’t anywhere near as close. She still isn’t talking to our dad who I am really close with and who will walk me down the aisle. I didn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid and to my face she said that was fine and she was relieved and could do behind the scenes stuff. And then emailed me later about how hurt she is. And I feel awful about this. But I still stand by my decision. The final detail is that we are having a small wedding, as in only 40 people. The people that we are inviting are those dearest to us and really any and all of them could stand-up with us. So now I’m left with figuring out how I try to explain this to the sister because I would really like to continue a relationship with her, but I really don’t know how …
August 11, 2010 7:58 am
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Our wedding party was tough. My husband has 20 first cousins that he sees on a regular basis, as well as several good friends and three step-siblings. I have a sister, step-brother, and one friend from elementary school who I hadn’t seen in years before the wedding. I’m just not good at making friends, and the couple of close acquaintances that I do have weren’t able to come to the wedding.
We ended up with my sister, my friend, two of his cousins, and one of his friends on my side, and his sister, my brother, two of his cousins, and one of his friends on his side. I was a little embarrassed that I couldn’t muster more friends to be there, but I’m close to his friends and cousins, so I just went with it and it was fine.
Wedding parties are tough.
August 11, 2010 6:44 am
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I also only have a few good friends and was initially kindof embarrassed and afraid of judgement about who I did and did not have to stand up for me. Fortunately, I was saved by the venue. There is not enough space at the front for anyone else to stand up with us and that is fine. No wedding party means no worries and I am going to ask the people I most want there to come get dressed with me and spend the mornign with me anyways.
August 11, 2010 1:13 pm
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I’m with you on this–how dorky is it to feel like we’re going to be judged because we DON’T have 5 people on either side of us? Like, “Jesus, they must suck! Why did we come to this wedding where they don’t even have any friends?” Glad you have an easy solution, but I keep telling myself that actually nobody attending the wedding actually cares about the bridal party.
August 11, 2010 4:05 pm
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i second irisira – you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. i decided to completely not have a bridal party at all (there’s barely any room, in the bar/restaurant we are marrying in – i’m not even walking down an aisle), and i think most of my friends were grateful. i just want to be surrounded by my nearest and dearest without worrying if they hate their dress or are secretly cursing me for the cost of an updo or something.
my mother was disappointed, and told me there wouldn’t be anyone to throw me a shower or bachelorette but, shock of shocks, my friends have still been there for me 100%, despite the lack of title, because they are incredible people and friends. i want to be thinking about my future husband the day i get married, not about organizing everyone…
August 11, 2010 6:51 am
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Ours was easy-peasy. While I initially would have rather had one bridesmaid and one groomsman, similar to the tradition that some of my friends from Europe have had. But, I couldn’t choose between my two sisters, or bypass either of them for just one friend (oh, and who to choose?!?) and since my husband has two brothers, that sealed the deal.
August 11, 2010 6:55 am
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I love this.
Picking attendants wasn’t too hard for us. I have two obvious closest female friends, and he has two obvious closest male friends, plus his sister and brother and my brother, whom we are also close with. In fact, I had more trouble finding other people to give other honors to, like reading. (We ended up having one groomsman do a reading, my mom, and one bridesmaid.)
But what to wear involved a surprising amount of drama. I say surprising, because my original plan was super laid back — ask the ladies to wear some variety of black cocktail dress, knee- or tea-length, and the dudes to wear a black suit of their choice. If they already owned such an item and wanted to wear it, great, go ahead and wear that one. Otherwise, set your own price range.
But first there was drama over ties. My husband said he wanted them to match, and he liked green, so I looked all over the internet for affordable green ties, showed him a bunch and asked what he liked. Because he had a nasty headache that day, this resulted in an argument along the lines of “I don’t know! I don’t care! You pick!” vs. “You’re the one who wanted to pick matching green ties, and you’re the one who will be wearing it, surely you have some opinion!” (This really shocked me because in all the wedding planning, he had never said “I don’t know, I don’t care, you pick.” He’d always been willing to offer some thought or opinion or preference.)
I settled it by asking the opinion of a male friend of mine who likes male formalwear, then showing my husband just one tie and giving him veto power. We ended up with nice silk apple-green pindot ties, $15 each.
Then one of my bridesmaids stated about a month before the wedding that black dresses were too heavy and dark for a summer wedding. I was really upset for a couple of days, because I knew I had talked to her about black dresses 18 months before when we first got engaged — and it was way too late for everyone else to find matching pink or green or whatever dresses. I solved that one by sending her some photos of cute black summer cocktail dresses, which she liked, and by deciding with everyone else to give the bridesmaids pink wraps for a splash of color. It turned out the last time she’d shopped for black cocktail dresses, it had been wintertime, so she was just thinking in those terms. She ended up finding a really pretty dress. And the pink wraps did look good.
The fact that there was drama at all upset me more than the drama itself, because I wanted to be so chill and laid-back about what people wore, and suddenly I was in the position of having to argue over it. That made me feel like a failure at being a chill non-bridezilla.
August 11, 2010 7:13 am
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As soon as I announced “little black dresses” of your choice for the bridesmaids, several people told my wedding would look like a funeral. Really?
August 11, 2010 7:33 am
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Yeah, I see a lots of pink bouquets and joyful faces and dancing at funerals. Oh, wait.
(Actually, you know what I didn’t see at either my dad’s or my cousin’s funeral this year? Black dresses. Black suits, yes. Shirts and skirts, yes. Long formal black dresses? No. Black cocktail dresses? No. It makes just as little sense as saying that black suits ‘look like a funeral?’ )
August 11, 2010 8:19 am
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Our colors are black, white, and red. Our invitations are on white stock, with black and red accents. To make them really pop, we used black envelopes with wraparound labels. My uncle decided that they were “funeral invites”. Yeah.
Whatever, dude, the “funeral” is going to be a rocking good time, so just send in your reply card.
August 11, 2010 8:42 am
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Our colors were black, white, and red too! The invite envelopes were black, as were the cards inside (that had a white piece mounted on the black part). And the bridesmaid and Best Person (female) both wore black dresses. All was good, even among my conservative family. :)
August 11, 2010 9:50 am
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Don’t worry about it — it will NOT look at all like a funeral. One of my favorite wedding looks out of all the weddings I’ve been to had little black dresses for the bridesmaids. It was awesome, and – dare I say it? – might actually be something they wore again.
August 11, 2010 12:23 pm
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I think black bridesmaid dresses are lovely but I will say that in some cultures this is considered less appropriate (i.e. they really associate black with mourning). So just in case some of these criticizing comments are coming from people from a different background, that might be why. I’m speaking from experience as an Iranian friend of mine, who is incredibly laid back about wedding expectations in general, frowned on the idea of black bridesmaid dresses for that reason.
August 11, 2010 10:12 am
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“The fact that there was drama at all upset me more than the drama itself, because I wanted to be so chill and laid-back about what people wore, and suddenly I was in the position of having to argue over it. That made me feel like a failure at being a chill non-bridezilla.”
AAHHH yesssssss. i couldn’t believe how many people seemed to be Trying to make drama about the wedding. I was working so hard to make sure everything would be chill and no reason for anyone to have a meltdown and people just kept coming up with things to make drama about. it made me feel crazy. and yes, a bit of a failure.
August 11, 2010 11:01 am
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This happened with my bridesmaids as they were planning the bachelorette party. I made it clear that I had no expectations and as long as we were together with some drinks it would be a good time – but somewhere along the way they got obsessed with making it “perfect” and this led to all kinds of arguments and drama that I eventually had to mediate. And it was all. over. NOTHING. I think people do just want to inject drama into weddings, it’s that whole “this is ONCE IN LIFETIME” aspect of it I guess.
August 11, 2010 2:06 pm
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This is kind of a nuts-and-bolts wedding planning post for APW lately, but I’m so glad you’re addressing this, Meg. All things related to wedding parties and involvement have been really, really challenging for us since we got engaged. Though I think they might have thrown a fit if not asked, the wedding party has really strained my relationships with some people and brought a lot of issues to the surface. Our wedding party is small, and I chose not to consider the “socially correct” or “most appropriate” way of doing things. I knew that there were two women I would want with me that morning when I wake up and am scared/ excited/ nervous/ giddy, and I asked those who women to stand with me that day. Unfortunately, the sentiment is not always returned, and the bridal party has become a mess of competitiveness, slighted feelings, and passive aggressive behavior. I’m sure the girls will look lovely day-of, but that wasn’t really the point. I hoped that this would be an opportunity for us to grow closer and for them to get to know one another better and for everyone to share and feel involved in this experience, but that couldn’t be further from the reality.
August 11, 2010 7:14 am
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Thank you, Meg. I searched and searched your site for this topic and always came up empty, so I worked through it myself, but it’s nice now to know that I’m not alone.
I went through a month of near hell over my wedding party. My fiance was adamant about having his brother be his best man. I envisioned my wedding as a smaller group of all those people surrounding us as we said our vows and celebrating after. Each of them supporting and loving, not just a select few standing next to me in front of everyone. It feels so silly to choose a few friends because “that’s the way it’s done” when it didn’t feel right to me. I ended up deciding to ask my brother to be my man of honor, but now we’re headed towards no wedding party as I first had hoped.
It is the American ideal to have a group of girlfriends who all know each other and are equally close friends (i.e. SATC) and that just isn’t always the case! Dare I say it’s a lot less the case than we all tend to assume?
August 11, 2010 7:21 am
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Also, personally, the last thing I want is a whole bunch of people (or even one or two friends) around me when I get ready the morning of! Talk about jacking up the stress. Give me the same normal routine that I have every morning, please. I don’t want to have to keep up chitchat or spread my attention thin. I want quiet focus.
August 11, 2010 7:24 am
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TRUTH.
August 11, 2010 7:24 am
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I just got married a couple of weeks ago so this really resonates for me.
I have so many lovely and wonderful friends that it was hard for me to just CHOOSE one of them and my husband’s only got a couple of guy friends, neither of which he wanted to stand up with him so we had our sisters. I told them to stand on whatever side they wanted and to pick a dress that they loved that they could wear again. But sometimes giving them that “freedom” can be kind of daunting for your lady friends…
TRUST ME when I say that asking them to pick their own dresses was a PAIN IN MY ASS. I love them all so dearly but man, I had to field so many questions that I almost gave up and picked them something from David’s Bridal! In the end, after a few shopping trips, his sisters each wore dresses in a lovely shade of lavender, and my sister picked out somthing that made her look beautiful and was a couple of shades darker than the other girls.
It was the perfect choice for US because there was someone to hold the ring box, someone to hold my bouquet, and another to hold our vows.
I’d think the only think I’d add to Meg’s comments are that if you choose not to have a traditional wedding party, be sure to tell your nearest and dearest friends who were probably hoping to be your bridesmaids that just because they are not wearing matching dresses or corsages, you love them equally and that their presence at the actual even is just as important as being in the wedding party.
August 11, 2010 7:27 am
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This was a hard one for us. My husband has a brother (local) and 3 best friends from elementary school (flung around the country). We just did not know which of his friends would actually be able to come due to financial and scheduling concerns.
I have a sister, sister-in-law, and good friends (all local), but I am a tom boy and I could not imagine the horror of actually picking dresses for someone else and then requiring them to pay for them. We toyed with the idea of just giving them a color to work with and then letting them pick the dress, but that still felt akward to me.
In the end, we did a family only ceremony and then a larger reception and did not have a bridal party at all. Many friends pitched in to fill the support roles normally performed by the bridal party, and as far as I can tell, no one was offended.
It worked perfectly for us, especially since, although they genuinely wished to, none of my husband’s best friends were able to be there.
August 11, 2010 7:29 am
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The siblings-as-wedding-party tactic worked beautifully for my husband and I. No picking favourites, no worrying about even numbers (I have two sisters, he has a brother and a sister. It worked out fine), no second thoughts.
It’s no cookie-cutter solution, but I think honouring your siblings in this way (and probably having to overcome/let go of/work out some baggage along the way) is a beautiful thing. And so much easier!
August 11, 2010 7:36 am
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Am I the only one who’s ever wished and hoped that a friend would NOT ask them to be a bridesmaid? I’ve done it four times now…and I’m over it. That sounds awful and ultimately, is sort of a punishment for those friends who are marrying a little later in life, but it’s true. Not only will I NOT be offended if my most recently engaged girlfriend does not ask me to be a bridesmaid, I will be OVERJOYED at not having to buy another one-wear-only dress and matching accessories, not having to participate in the planning of and paying for bridal showers and bachelorette parties, and not having to stand up for the entire ceremony in adorable, yet uncomfortable heels.
I’m a terrible person. Ha!
August 11, 2010 7:56 am
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haha not at all. there is a special thing about being asked to be a bridesmaid, but nobody should have to do it more than maybe twice. Or at least, nobody should be blamed for feeling “over it.” It is a lot of work, a lot of money, and a big time commitment. Luckily, you are totally allowed to decline the invitation (as uncomfortable as that may be, it’s better to say no than to be a disinterested participant).
August 11, 2010 8:08 am
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Although it’s not your point, I’m struck by the “punishment for those who are marrying later in life.” Are there cultures/social circles where the bridal party is only open to single women? I think I assumed that was a rule back when there were vastly different codes of dress and conduct for proper married ladies vs. eligible young girls but not any more — but if there’s anything the internet has taught me, it’s that there are far more deeply-held beliefs about what’s right for weddings than I’d imagined.
Both of my attendants are married; I didn’t actually take that into consideration, but I figure if anything, they’re better suited to the role because they’ve been in the bride position and can maybe better relate to what I’m going through that day.
August 11, 2010 8:50 am
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I think you misunderstood me. :) I’ve definitely never heard of bridal parties only being composed of single women (all three of my bridesmaids were married, because I’m one of the girls who married A LITTLE later in life at 32). What I meant was that this recently engaged girlfriend who is 34 and has been in no less than TEN weddings over the past 15 years now has a slew of friends who are already married and sort of “over it.” Which is unfortunate because this is a girl who is really quite traditional, LOVES weddings, has been dreaming of hers for all 34 years of her life, and has worked her BUTT off for every friend who’s gotten married before her. And while were all incredibly excited for her, we’re not terribly excited about the ins and outs of being a bridesmaid, which in a way, is sort of a “punishment” for her, because she’s getting married at 34 rather than 24 (i.e. before her friends had an opportunity to be “over it.”)
August 11, 2010 9:02 am
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Ah, yes, I did misunderstand – I thought it was that the single-for-longer women were being punished by having to be bridesmaids over and over, not that the brides were being punished for marrying late by having fewer girlfriends up for the bridesmaid gig. Which shows you where my head is at, that I assumed being a bridesmaid was the punishment. Your version makes much more sense than my misinterpretation!
August 11, 2010 10:02 am
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uhhh yeah. my whole bridal party experience ended up wayyy different from what I imagined, based on the WIC and indie messages I’d been consuming. I remembered the panic I felt when my sister had suggested we find our own dresses for her wedding 2 years earlier, so I tried giving more guidelines while still allowing them a lot of freedom to choose their own. They still weren’t really comfortable doing that so I had a pretty big hand in guiding the process. And then yeah, friendships are complicated and surprising.
If you are still in the process of planning the whole wedding party concept, well, HUG! Just remember you don’t have to do any of it if it’s not your thing, but if you do, most people have their own ideas about how a bridal party is supposed to work, and it’s hard for people who think wedding parties are supposed to match to get used to the idea that they don’t have to (or [insert thing you want to do that goes against their expectations]). Nobody wants to ruin your wedding, so having them choose their own outfit can be of a lot of pressure.
I was surprised that the hardest part for me was just convincing everyone of how little I cared about the whole concept of matching bridesmaids, or how loose my plans were for even making them coordinate. I thought it would be a much more organic process than it was.
August 11, 2010 8:00 am
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i’m jumping in again just to say thank god for this post. i needed it today. we had our engagement party over the weekend and it was four hours of us defending our decisions – lovingly, but still defending –
no bridal party? but who will witness your wedding?! er, the 150+ people there?
no aisle? no. no giving away of the bride? no. cocktails before the ceremony with the bride? HELL YES.
August 11, 2010 8:01 am
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I’m in the “pre-engagement” phase (I know, not a real word) and this bridal party thing gives me the jitz in a big way. I don’t like the idea of a friendship hierarchy, and I have several largeish groups of close and closeish friends. Most of us have been friends for ten or 15 years, and that means that there are a slew of complicated relationships floating around among these people I love.
I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I think I’m bound to–at least a couple of my friends have said that they’d be hurt if they didn’t get to “stand with me.” I don’t feel good about disposing with the attendants altogether, since having his best friend and brother is important to my guy. My current plan is to ask my sister (with whom I’m not super close, but there you go) to do the standing part and then genuinely let my girls know that I want to do this thing with them close by, and that this way they can avoid throwing a shower and wearing shiny fabric on the day of.
You all are right–it’s not that wedding parties are hard, it’s that relationships are hard. If I’d gotten married at 22, my bridal party would have been a snap–but 10 years later everything’s a bit fuzzier.
This post and yesterday’s A Los Angeles Love’s post on body image and wedding photos are activating two huge sets of nerves. I’m going to back and read some wedding graduates until my heart rate goes back down….
August 11, 2010 8:10 am
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The weirdest wedding-party related experience that comes to mind was when my best friend was engaged a few years ago. We were roommates, and she called me into her room one afternoon to settle a dispute she was having with her mother. The groom was a Marine and his best man was in the Navy, and the groom wanted them to wear their respective military dress uniforms in the ceremony while the other non-military groomsmen wore tuxes. The bride’s mother was appalled at the idea and said it would ruin their wedding pictures not to have “symmetry down the line.”
I found my friend sitting at her computer looking at a picture her mom had emailed her. In this picture, her mom had created two photoshopped versions of a traditional wedding party photo- one with groomsmen all in tuxes, the other with groomsmen wearing military uniforms. She asked me which one looked better, and I completely refused to get involved.
I did *not* have a wedding party when I got married a few months ago:)
August 11, 2010 8:17 am
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That is mind-boggling. (The bride’s mother photoshopping the picture like that, not you eschewing a wedding party, of course.)
August 11, 2010 10:05 am
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In our wedding, my husband’s brother wore his Air Force uniform. Everyone else wore tuxes. My husband would’ve worn his Army uniform, and his dad his Navy uniform, if they still fit into them. A bridal party (the whole wedding, really) is not about the pictures. It’s about love and support and commitment.
August 11, 2010 12:10 pm
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I’m so glad this is being addressed. I’m currently going through bridal party woes–not from the bridesmaids, but from those who I didn’t ask who feel hurt. Even though I asked them to do a reading or perform another honor. And it’s affecting our friendships negatively. I would appreciate any insight anyone has to offer.
August 11, 2010 8:23 am
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I went through this, trying to deal with the hurt feelings of a friend who was left out, and I’m not going to lie – it wasn’t pretty. Instead of asking her to be a bridesmaid I gave her another honor (as I learned however, honor to one person can be a slap in the face for another). Initially she didn’t talk to me for over a month, despite my heartfelt emails and messages of concern. I started to get angry myself – this wasn’t an easy choice (I never intended to rank my friends!) and I thought she should understand that I tried my best to include everyone in the best I could. But I stuck to the high road, even though at times I was tempted to fall from it. Eventually she relented and we talked about it. It still took months, and her (eventually minimal) involvement in the wedding always felt a bit forced. But the wedding has passed and I think we are now in a better, and more honest, place than before. So I have no easy answers, but just be patient and hope that your true friends come around.
August 11, 2010 10:37 am
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I wonder if it’s also different as we get married older. I have more relationships now, they’re more fraught-yet-rich, they aren’t really connected to each other, and I’m simply not comfortable with a) asking friends to shell out money for the honor of being in the wedding party (after doing it myself) and b) asking friends to dress in an expensive similar dress they may not like (and yeah, I’ve heard horror stories of allowing maids to dress as they please too.) So we’re not having enough bridesmaids and groomsmen to hold the chuppah and that’s that. It wasn’t a wrenching decision in any way, and maybe I’m lucky, but it was a simple easy decision to make. We are also honoring other friends with readings and roles and we will publicly thank everyone who helped create our day. But I had zero interest in dealing with the politics of the symbolic wedding party and with possibly excluding people. I just wanted friendship and love to surround us everywhere.
August 11, 2010 8:26 am
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it totally is.
as i’ve gotten older (ripe old age of 24, here) i’ve noticed that i have more and more circles of friends. in high school, i had School Friends and Relatives and maybe like, Theatre Friends.
now, i have so many circles of relationship that intersect and branch. it’s difficult to say, “My Besties” about any specific group.
August 11, 2010 8:36 am
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Yes. And if you are older and have moved a lot over the years, between cities, states, countries, whatever…. Yeah. Not so easy to define the closest 5 friends or whatever the “perfect” bridal party number is. So I ended up choosing three (one from middle school and two from college- my closest friends for the longest time) and my husband just wanted his best friend (who is female). I ended up asking one of my bridesmaids to become the officiant instead because she is a minister, and she was FABULOUS as our officiant. My husband’s brother was also a co-officiant. But I felt bad about some of the close girl friends I didn’t ask to be in the “official bridal party.” I really wanted to include everyone, but the “levels” of closeness among my circle of friends were just too similar to try to separate some as “closer” than others. That felt artificial to me and like it would negate the beauty of ALL of those friendships. It would have been 3 or maybe 7, if I included all of them. So, I went minimal, and then asked many of my other close friends (male and female) to be involved in as many ways as possible. (And my husband thinks I was CRAZY to “over-think” all this and he thinks no one would have cared if I chose some but not others. Maybe he would have been right, but I didn’t want to risk hurt feelings. And I like to please everyone… Not always a helpful thing.) :)
August 11, 2010 10:11 am
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Darn, I meant “So we’re ONLY having enough bridesmaids and groomsmen to hold the chuppah and that’s that.” But yes, Jenny, I had the same experience with levels of closeness after moving and switching groups of friends for so long. And I DON’T think it’s overthinking. I remember feeling really excluded when I earliest childhood friend excluded me… until I realized she only asked her sister and sister-in-law. My hurt feelings faded because family felt like an understandable cutoff. For those who don’t love their family or have giant groups of close friends, I can see how it gets trickier to pick small wedding parties. But for us, I felt unbelievably grateful for the Jewish Chuppah as an easy wedding party cutoff line.
August 11, 2010 11:17 am
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Imperfect wedding party? Uh, been there, done that. By the time a month before the wedding happened, my MOH and I weren’t on speaking terms, I had only met one of my bridsmaids twice and hadn’t met another at all, and now, 2 months after the wedding, I’m getting ready to verbally divorce one of my sisters who I invited to be a bridesmaid because I hoped it might help our relationship (suffice to say, it didn’t; it made things worse).
But you know, with all those things, what happened? The two bridesmaids I barely knew helped me prepare mentally (i.e. they stopped me from hyperventillating and made me feel okay) before the ceremony, none of our extended family were stuck wondering why Sister 1 wasn’t a bridesmaid, Sister 2 and I had an OUTSTANDING time, and… well… I realized my MOH can’t live without me, and even if I feel our friendship isn’t working anymore, she’s far from accepting it, so I’m trying to suck it up and go through it.
Wedding parties are hard in the planning, but the truth is that, like many other parts of the wedding, most of us are so blissful with our new spouse everything else sort of falls away from our scope of emotional vision.
August 11, 2010 8:28 am
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I think we lucked out.
My fiance has three best friends. I have two sisters and my best friend. Three and three.
But in all honesty, does it really matter if the numbers are equal? Who is going to care? All that matters is that the groom and bride are surrounded by their friends and families.
Afterall, the history of a bridesmaid is unique:
A custom once existed where maidens dressed similarly to the bride would accompany her as her protectors on her way to the groom’s village. This would deflect spurned suitors from kidnapping the bride or from stealing her dowry. Roman law once required witnesses to come to weddings in order to confuse evil spirits as to the identity of the bride and groom. This meant that female wedding attendants came to a marriage ceremony in garments akin to the bride’s, while male wedding attendants–the forebears of ushers–wore attire that resembled the groom’s own clothing. This supposedly threw off bad luck that could be directed towards an easily identifiable bride and groom.
The above taken from History of Bridesmaids
http://www.ehow.com/about_4576431_history-of-bridesmaids.html#ixzz0wJMyN7WO
August 11, 2010 8:28 am
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As I’m reading the comments, I’m noticing that everyone seems to want to solve this problem by going smaller – by having fewer attendants or none at all. Am I the only person who solved it by going BIGGER? When I realized that there was an extra friend that I felt especially close to (and – this is important – would LOVE to be a bridesmaid), I figured that I was lucky and asked her to be in it. This was on top of the two sisters, two cousins, one soon-to-be sister-in-law, and one best friend already in it, so I ended up with a huge bridal party.
I realize that this can create its own problem – the bigger you go, the more left out the people not in it feel, for one. Not to mention that more people can mean more cost. But, for me at least, it all worked out fine, and I’m glad I gave up the notion of the ideal small bridal party in favor of inclusiveness.
August 11, 2010 8:35 am
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it may be because the usual APW wedding is smaller. so going bigger would mean less “regular” guests. there’s only so big you can before there are more people standing on the stage than sitting in the seats.
i went bigger, too. we started out with just family… and somewhere down the line, i ended up with 6 bridesmaids. not what i wanted originally at ALL. but it ended up being totally awesome, and i wouldn’t have had it any other way.
August 11, 2010 8:38 am
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I prefer no wedding party, but I know part of it has to do with being a minimalist. I like the simplicity of the bride and groom standing there alone.
But how many of us are minimalists? ;)
I know my idiosyncrasies could be all wrong for others. But it’s good to throw out the possibility of “no attendants” for those whom it might resonate with.
August 11, 2010 10:02 am
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You know, that’s a REALLY simple solution to such a crap problem. And it never would have occurred to me at the time….
August 11, 2010 10:22 am
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I too, am not interested in having a wedding party. I brought this up to my fiancé and he say “Yeah we don’t need a hierarchy of guests” and I feel the same way. Not that non wedding party attendance should feel slighted but in reality they some times do. We have many beloved and we will be so honored to have any and all of them there. I want them all to get that message equally. Wedding parties introduces a whole lot of hoopla that I do not want to welcome in. My twin sister (who loves the spot light :) definitely has had somethings to say about it but she understands I am not the same type of staunch “traditionalist” that she is. That is part of why she loves me, and is down for whatever I want. I do want to give some sort of sentimental gifts to my home girls that I have not quite worked out in my head yet.
How traditional is the wedding party? Does anyone know how far back this whole circus started?
August 11, 2010 1:32 pm
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Brilliant question.
Wedding magazines always portray the wedding party as an ancient practice that’s been unbroken for centuries. What a lie.
In early America, most weddings took place in the home of the bride’s parents. Guests were restricted to family and very close friends. Wedding gifts from guests were unheard of – the bride stocked her own future household. Due to lack of space, there were usually zero bridesmaids or maybe a maid of honor and best man.
Once more churches got built and more people began having weddings inside them, all of a sudden there was so much more space to fill. That’s when weddings began to be filled with more pageantry, like a procession of bridesmaids going down the aisle.
American weddings have progressively gotten more complicated with more moving parts during our history.
August 12, 2010 11:04 am
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I agree!
We asked my 4-year-old half-sister and my husbands 7 years nephew to be our “girl of honour” and “best boy.” The walked down the aisle and then sat down. When it was time I handed my flowers to my sister and his nephew brought us the rings his mom had been holding. Then they sat down again.
I guess I personally don’t understand the point of a wedding party. A lot of the wedding and choices we made were for our friends and family but to me the ceremony was really about us…. My husband and I standing up together in front of our family and friends and getting married!!!
August 11, 2010 4:44 pm
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Minimalist here. At least when it comes to attendants. We had no bridesmaids/groomsmen and it worked perfectly – and reading these comments makes me even happier we went this route! My sister did joke a bit about how I was cheating her out of the experience, but I told her I prefer the simplicity of just the bride and groom… (we did ask her and B’s brother to do readings, as a way of including them in the ceremony).
August 12, 2010 2:30 pm
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i totally was going to go the bigger party route, but once we realized that we didn’t want an aisle, or a lot of pomp and circumstance, we decided to go in the other direction…
August 11, 2010 11:10 am
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yeah I think if you can handle going bigger and it totally solves the problem, that’s fabulous! my party would have jumped from 4 to at least 10 if I wanted to make sure my bases were covered. that was too many for me, for a number of reasons, most practical of which being that I simply could not afford to buy that many bridesmaid gifts (although if I had that many, they probably would have been fine with a thank you note or a small gesture instead of an actual gift, but that’s beside the point).
my now brother-in-law got married 3 years before us, and they had 10 and 11 on each side – it worked great for them because of their own dynamics but it would have completely overwhelmed Zach and me.
August 11, 2010 11:27 am
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Nope, Chelsea, you’re not the only one who’s thought of going bigger. It could solve a lot of problems. The only thing that makes me nervous when picturing this option is getting ready the morning of–there are people who I’d love to have (or just need to have, for family political reasons) stand by me, but I wouldn’t want to be getting ready with. That just seems too intimate, and when I’ll be at my most vulnerable, and will not want to be herding 10 people who want to be “involved”.
If there’s any way to have like 3 people get ready with me, and then 7 people stand by me, THAT would be a freaking miracle.
August 11, 2010 4:29 pm
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that’s exactly what i did, suzanna! six girls, but i left it open- whoever wants to meet at the church is ok. we ended up with half at the house and half meeting us.
August 11, 2010 8:30 pm
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Nice, Liz! Glad to hear that worked out. In my head, though, it’s like “oh dear lord, please do not get ready with me” more than “come if you want to”. I guess that’s why you give people specific jobs? Like, could you please go set up the guestbook table (so that I can get ready)? I’m being totally neurotic and probably making it into a bigger deal than it would be in reality–in which case, your more laidback approach would work much better!
I guess that’s why this post exists and so many people have commented, huh? It’s weird and tough and complicated. And, as usual, kindhearted communication about expectations works best.
August 12, 2010 11:05 am
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i did not want a wedding party, but my husband could have easily picked 10 groomsmen. . . in the end, ours consisted of 3 bridesmaids (of very different shapes and sizes): 1 good, close friend from grad school, my now-sister in law (who lucky for me is awesome), and one of my husbands best friends from childhood who happens to be female; 5 groomsmen: 3 of his best friends from growing up and college, my brother and his brother. Yup, that made it uneven! For more uneveness, my bridesmaids all wore dresses and shoes of their choosing (i provided some direction in terms of color and just said no to strapless), i had a friend of my grandmother’s help me design matching necklaces for them to tie it all together. Groomsmen were told to wear any suit and tie they already had in any color except black.
people thought i was crazy for doing this, especially given our otherwise fairly traditional wedding. but we all had a blast. and the pictures came out great.
oh and at the last minute (literally minutes before walking down the aisle), we picked out a few more close friends and cousins to do readings during the ceremony. that probably wouldn’t work for everyone, but it was one less thing i had to stress over during the planning.
August 11, 2010 8:42 am
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The wedding party was the one thing we didn’t struggle with at all. Both D and I are crazy close with our families. We also both have groups of friends that we have been friends with since junior high who are insanely good-looking people. We are THOSE people. *laughs*
Once upon a time in my life, I would have had local DJs spinning tunes at my wedding that was catered by chef friends and carried flowers done by an acquaintance who owns a hip flower shop. My pierced-scenster friends would have worn vintage dresses and so would have I. That isn’t my life anymore and I struggled with that a lot when planning my own wedding. I didn’t want a cliche Knot beach wedding, I wanted something more like vintage Elvis-movie Hawaii.
In the end, two of the guys D picked for his groomsmen couldn’t come to Hawaii with us. Our wedding party (we refused to have a his side/ my side thing) ended up consisting of my two (skinny/ blonde) best friends, my brothers (J was our ‘man of honor’ and G was our ‘guardian of the rings’) and D’s best friend. My best friends wore J. Crew dresses (after our etsy order fell through). No one carried flowers (we used parasols). It wasn’t as hip, indie or vintage as I would have dreamed up – but our wedding party looked comfortable and like themselves. When I look at our pictures, I don’t see a wedding magazine or indie wedding – I see OUR wedding with OUR friends.
August 11, 2010 8:43 am
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“vintage Elvis-movie Hawaii.”
WHAAAAT. please tell me there are internet photos.
August 11, 2010 8:56 am
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That’s what I wanted. It didn’t exactly turn out like that either. *laughs*
We are having our home reception in one week – then I’m going to write a wedding graduate post for here because the one thing I’ve learned about weddings (well, my wedding) is that nothing goes as your originally planned – but it turns out lovely no matter what. :)
August 12, 2010 12:30 pm
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“When I look at our pictures, I don’t see a wedding magazine or indie wedding – I see OUR wedding with OUR friends.”
Yes yes yes yes yes. This should be the goal during the planning process, cause it’s what ends up happening anyway. :)
August 11, 2010 12:25 pm
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Great post, thanks.
For some reason, at this stage in my life, I find myself without close friends, so having a bridal party is not really an option for me. My “childhood” friends and I drifted apart over religious differences and I’m really shy, so making new friends is hard. Fortunately, I have an awesome twin sister who is also my best friend, and we’d long ago promised to stand up for each other on our wedding days. But still, seeing the pictures of big bridal parties is hard, because it reminds me of what I don’t have right now. My finace has more friends than I do, but they’re all buddies from high school, so picking one of them to be as best man was really stressing him out. Finally, he just decided to skip having a best man and invite his friends as guests. We both realized that no, we might not have picture-perfect friendships right now, but we *do* have people who love and support us, and those are the people we’re inviting to share our day.
August 11, 2010 8:55 am
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Before you feel too bad about not being “as good” as the people with huge wedding parties because you don’t have as many friends, you should consider that, while some of those wedding parties are organic extensions of groups of close friends, some of them are artificial mish-mashes of friends, acquaintances and relatives that were put together because a bride felt like the sides “needed” to match or she “needed” to have a certain number of attendants to look good or to make the pictures look good.
To be very clear, I am not bashing those with large wedding parties. For some it is a natural decision that is right for them. However, I do think that there are many that are driven by WIC imperatives and the insecurities of the bride feeling that they have to meet a certain standard. And I think that those images can perpetuate that standard and make other brides feel insecure.
I know that when I first started planning I felt very uncomfortable with the fact that I don’t have gobs of friends who I would want to stand up with. I also felt embarassed about how small our wedding was going to be. I was concerned that it reflected poorly on us and people would be judging us. However, as time went on I realized that what we are doing is right for us. Our families are small and we like the more intimate setting. Moreover, I realized that most people do not have 300 people who they know well and care about deeply and that most (although surely not all) weddings of that size include many people the bride and groom do not know well who were invited for a range of reasons. Realizing that really assauged some of my insecurity. I think the same is often true of wedding parties. While I some people really do have 10 or more very close friends, many do not, including some of those with large wedding parties. Some of those people may have been invited for various political (or other reasons) or it may be driven by other factors such as large families.
August 11, 2010 1:56 pm
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Oh, I totally understand what you’re saying. In fact, years ago I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that was a “mish-mash” as you describe. At first I was super excited, but ultimately it caused some hard feelings and unfortunately I didn’t handle things well at the time. My dress ended up costing about $500 (dress itself was $250, plus the rush fee because the bride didn’t tell us what to order in time, plus $100 for alterations to the jacket and train – yes, a BM dress with a train!, plus $100 for a strapless bra because I’m a 36G and those bras don’t grow on trees, plus shoes). This was a little hard to swallow when the bride told me her dress was $700 and she didn’t need any alterations at all. Oh, and I was making $10/hr at the time. Anyway, the wedding was in a lovely town about 3 hrs away – no problem, until the bride’s mother called my mom the week before the wedding and asked my mom to bring a salad because the bride’s mom hadn’t ordered enough food. I have no problem with potluck weddings, but bringing food from three hours a way is a little much (not to mention not good on the food safety front!). Anyway, because of all that (and some other stuff) I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder during the wedding and it was not a fun, girl-bonding experience for me. I realized the kindest thing I could have done was to say “no” to being a BM, and I also decided that I would be much pickier about future invitations to be a BM.
All that to say, I do understand that wedding parties aren’t always about one’s best friends being happy and giggly and supporting you through thick and thin. But at the same time, it’s hard know that I don’t have that option right now.
August 12, 2010 9:14 am
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Ahhhh, yes, the messy bridal party.
Early on in the planning, my fiance was petrified about the issue of Best Man. He has a huge number of close friends (he’s very gregarious), and has best friends from different points in his life. I mentioned an old tradition (from the south, I believe) of fathers standing as Best Man, and he jumped on it. When I was struggling with who to ask as a Maid of Honor, I realized symmetry would be more than appropriate– my mother and I are very close, so I asked her to stand as Maid of Honor. It’s definitely made a few things interesting (my mother is NOT planning the bachelorette party!), but it’s the perfect choice for us.
What has been a pain in the butt for me is the miscommunication with my fiance. He is MUCH more traditional than I am, and my directive to my bridesmaids to get black dresses of their choosing really upset him– he also only told me this six months after we made the initial decision (so dresses were already purchased, plans made, etc). So our bridal party caused some stress between us, but we’re both learning to compromise in the best way. :)
The reason I told my ladies to choose black dresses was the issue that caused a little dust-up earlier in the comments– my girls aren’t all matching size-two blondes. And though I would have gleefully picked out a color and fabric at J. Crew and had my girls pick dresses they liked, J. Crew doesn’t carry sizes above a size sixteen. SIXTEEN. Absolutely ridiculous. I have one bridesmaid who is easily closer to an 18 or 20, and another who would be a 16 or 18. So as much as I would have loved them all in J. Crew dresses (so easy, good quality, different styles…), I couldn’t. Instead, they found dresses on their own. My one bridesmaid who actually is petite did get a J. Crew dress, and my other girlfriends found dresses in styles that flattered their body types and that make them look stunning.
And to me, that’s what’s most important. They’re standing beside me because they’ve been there through different parts of my relationship with my fiance, and their love and support has helped us tremendously. And I want them to look and feel fabulous that day, so they can stand by our side, boogie on the dance floor, and know that they’re loved.
August 11, 2010 8:59 am
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That is an amazing idea! I’d never heard of parents standing up with the bride and groom, I think that’s absolutely lovely. It’s nice that you found such a sweet compromise. (I mean, who can complain about you picking your PARENTS over them as an attendant? That’s just crappy….)
I’m glad you brought up the groom’s issue with this also! My husband had his “Best Mens” (“s” included because he’s a dork.) because he had so many Aggie buddies that it was hard to pick one person to stand up as his best man. I suggested his sister be his Best Woman, but he vetoed it because he’s super tradiational. (I had a Man of Honor. I don’t give a damn!)
But the pressure is definitely on for the guys too. There might be less tears associated with it (maybe.) but it’s there.
This is how I tried to help him pick.
“Your best man is usually your best friend.”
“I don’t have one.”
“Okay, then someone who’s been there for you the most.”
“Ummm…dunno.”
“Oookay, how about someone you’re known the longest?”
“We all started in the Corps together.”
“Fine. If I got hit by a bus, who would you call?”
“An ambulance.”
“*sigh*”
“Fine. Your mom.”
“MATTHEW.”
“WHAT, she’d need to know!”
“You know what I mean….”
“I dunno, probably nobody because I would be sad.”
“Aww.”
“And I wouldn’t want them to bother me after I got over it and started moving some hot 18 year old into the place…”
(Seriously, this is how the conversation went. After I beat him with a pillow, we went with Best Mens and called it a day.)
August 11, 2010 9:46 am
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This is so similar to one of our earlier wedding party conversations (it led to the decision that we didn’t want any attendants), it’s eerie.
August 11, 2010 10:26 am
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You have a husband (or about to be husband) with lots of friends who wants to please them all without any hurt feelings AND who threatens to trade you in for a better model when your warranty runs out TOO?? :-)
Unless you were replying Sarah K, cause then I feel silly….these replies and whatnot can be confusing…
I like your decision, it’s sensible and if it’s what’s best for the both of you then that’s all that matters.
Plus, who doesn’t ADORE cute flower girls and ring bearers? (Even if they’re like 15, they are still adorable, all dressed up and nervous…)
August 11, 2010 10:40 am
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I had to hit “exactly” because that conversation is so freaken hilarious :-)
August 11, 2010 10:55 am
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Yep, it was your conversation. Too similar by half. Our flower girls and ring bearers are all in the 8-and-under set, but the oldest is almost as tall as me and has bigger feet, which is totally bizarre because when you see her from behind, you expect her to look nearly grown but then she turns around and looks exactly like an 8-year-old should, only about 3X as big.
August 11, 2010 12:51 pm
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My fiance couldn’t pick one best man from his five groomsmen, so he isn’t having one. (Or, alternatively, he is having five.) We just took some of the jobs that generally fall to the best man and divided them up among the five. And, it did take us some time to come up with five important roles to play, so in the event others need ideas, we are having (1) toast at rehearsal dinner, (2) toast at reception, (3) stand next to him during ceremony and be responsible for the rings, (4) sign the marriage license as witness, and (5) manage the money day-of – making sure vendors receive checks and tips. It’s working out well for us so far.
August 11, 2010 1:17 pm
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