So Sharon, who you might know from the comments, writes over at Bride Sans Tulle. And one of her adorable bridesmaids sent me a link to this post saying it *must* go on APW, because obviously. It's interesting to hear Sharon talk about how love is a conscious choice, because in some ways it's in conflict with Sarah's eloquent post on Divorce and how we choose from earlier this week. But the thing is, I agree with both posts equally (I love how life is complex like that). David and I had been platonic friends for years before we made a choice to join our lives together, to find a home. And that wasn't a decision we had to make, it was something we chose. And the chosing is where the power was for us. The choosing and the laughter and the sharing lives. Everything else follows from there. So with that, I give you Sharon.
A question I've been asked a fair bit since getting engaged (I suspect most engaged ladies are asked this, too, though I wonder how many engaged men the question gets posed to...) is how did you know? As in how did you know he was The One? At first I floundered a bit for an answer, feeling like what people wanted to hear was some story about a grand romantic moment and... well, I didn't have that. In fact, when it comes to the fuzzy cam chick-flick-y expressions of love, I tend to think I was born without that gene. Really. The first time Jason took me out for a nice dinner at an upscale restaurant, I spent the entire evening sitting on my hands and feeling awkward and not myself. I didn't have a Facebook "relationship status" with him until we were engaged. In fact, speaking of Facebook, I would ruthlessly cut him out of the frame if I wanted to use a picture of the two of us together for my profile snapshot. If I want flowers, I buy them myself. This isn't to say that Jason doesn't make romantic gestures - I'll tell you the story of our engagement sometime. It makes old ladies swoon. But rather that we're two people who tend to be fairly quiet and levelheaded about our love and find buying graphic novels for each other to be sweeter than long walks on the beach.
So anyhow, when I started finally owning the fact that I don't even believe in this concept of "The One" (quelle horreur!) I found that I suddenly had a metaphor that I could use for telling people why marriage to this man. So here it is:
I think dating/deciding to marry is something like deciding to buy a house and make it your home. You figure out what's available in your area, what works for your lifestyle, and what "must-haves" you want, and then you go looking. (note: This is, of course, a somewhat imperfect analogy as some of us aren't "looking" when the right person comes around. I certainly wasn't. But bear with me...) But the thing is... there's not a Platonic conceit of "your house" that you just have to locate in reality. The truth of the matter is that you will see many houses, and most of them will have some aspect of what you want. One will have the gorgeous bay windows and gleaming hardwood floors. Another will have the giant kitchen with the granite countertops. A third will have a turret and built-in shelves. These are all great houses. You can see yourself living in all of them. But the day comes when you decide that one house is the one you're going to buy. You move in. You clean. You do a bit of painting. You learn to live with the slight incline in the floors and to jump the creaky step in the staircase. You have dinner parties that last until 2am in this house. You host holidays in this house. You bring your babies back to this house. You could've had any of the houses you looked at, all those years ago. But you chose this one and it's now the only home you can imagine having.
So yup, that's my long, cheesy metaphor for why Jason's "The One." I could say I'm marrying him because he makes me laugh or really listens when I'm upset or is not afraid of my moods. I could say I'm marrying him because he'll make a great father one day, because he is a great friend. All these things are true, but it is also true that there are other people in the world who can do these things for and with me. The fact of the matter is, I'm marrying him because we've growntoward one another in the entire time we've been dating. Because I've worked on the specific faults of mine that bother him most, or are most detrimental to our particular relationship and he's done the same. Because we've chosen to learn each other's needs and quirks and wants. Because we've chosen to make this relationship our home, and that rules out the other houses.
Photo by (once like a spark) photography
damn.
I have a reoccurring dream where I am this eloquent. unfortunately, I always wake up.
exceptionally well put Sharon.
your Jason’s one lucky dude.
August 5, 2010 4:42 am
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Bethany, I have that dream too.
And Sharon, you put it so well.
August 5, 2010 5:26 am
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Aww, you guys! <3
August 5, 2010 6:19 am
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I love this. And, as another non-”fuzzy cam chick-flick-y” person, I read this and thought it was one of the more romantic things I’ve heard about marriage.
August 5, 2010 4:43 am
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This is such a great post. As I tell my friends (who, yes, think I’m a bit cold-hearted), love is not a magic trick, it is a choice. I have chosen my love. And I will wake up, every day, and make that choice again and again and again. And personally, I don’t think there is any one moment that could be more romantic than that.
August 5, 2010 4:45 am
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Yes! In fact, my hubs and I were in Wisconsin for a wedding just a couple weekends ago and drove past a huge billboard that said:
“LOVE IS A CHOICE.” (I believe it was for some marriage website…. healthymarriages.org, or something?)
We both saw it and thought for a moment and then discussed why that billboard was absolutely right – even though neither of us prior to that had really thought of it that way before. (James usually likes to say, “Love is an action,” which I feel like kind of ties in with the choice thing as well) :)
Anyway, this post is just another way of saying that in many more beautiful words. (Thanks Sharon!) Because it is true. There needs to be a conscious decision to love and to continue to love year after year through all the crazy sh*t life throws at you.
August 5, 2010 5:38 am
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I basically incorporated that billboard into our wedding with this quote from M. Scott Peck:
Love is as love does. Love is an act of will – namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
Thank you Sharon for the reminder!
August 5, 2010 12:18 pm
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You have to wake up and make that choice again and again and again. Yes. I could “Exactly” that a million times. If you don’t make that choice daily, things probably won’t end well. I think this is the bit people don’t talk about much. (Except on APW, maybe.) Everyone goes on and on and on about the warm fuzzies and butterflies you’re supposed to feel. When that doesn’t happen every time your partner holds your hand or looks at you (because, let’s be honest, that chemical reaction eventually goes away; or at least lessens), that’s when you really do have to choose to love them.
That’s not to say you have to LIKE them all the time. ;)
August 5, 2010 9:40 am
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Like this quote attributed to Aristotle:
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Love, then, is also a habit.
August 5, 2010 5:31 pm
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Yes! One of my rules for life is that a commitment is not something you make once; a commitment is something you make again and again.
August 5, 2010 5:42 pm
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There is an absolutely wonderful poem by Wendell Berry, that he wrote for his wife, that I think sums this up perfectly. I’m not even dating anyone right now, but you better believe that I want this read at the ceremony when I do get married.
The Wild Rose
Sometimes hidden from me
in daily custom and in trust,
so that I live by you unaware
as by the beating of my heart.
Suddenly you flare in my sight,
a wild rose blooming at the edge
of thicket, grace and light
where yesterday was only shade,
and once again I am blessed, choosing
again what I chose before.
August 5, 2010 8:45 pm
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That poem is jaw-droppingly gorgeous!
August 6, 2010 7:26 am
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Great post. I continue to find this site inspirational and this is a great example of why.
August 5, 2010 4:49 am
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Why is there not an ‘exactly’ button for the post itself?! Because that’s how I feel. Exactly Exactly Exactly.
I could have ended up with any number of men if my life had taken me in different directions. But it didn’t. So I am choosing to make my life with this very special one. And no everyone, that doesn’t mean I’m ‘settling’. It means I’m realistic enough to know that if either of us had made different decisions, we’d never have met, and that we’d quite possibly each be marrying/married too someone else right now.
And now I have the perfect metaphor to be able to explain to everyone around me why I don’t believe in the rom-com concept of ‘the one’, but how that doesn’t make me any less romantic.
Thanks Sharon – Exactly!
August 5, 2010 4:56 am
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And also, Thanks Meg for this post. I had to stop reading some of the comments on Sarah’s post because they had the potential to make me doubt our relationship and how we have chosen one another.
And then you follow it up with this. This is why APW will go on and on, you just somehow know what we need to hear.
So a big thanks from me, for making everything seem ok again.
August 5, 2010 7:38 am
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Yes! I exactleyed your first comment because I also want to exactly this post. And then I exactleyed your second comment, because yes! I had the same thing happen as I was reading the comments on Sarah’s post, and I even commented on it because I felt like I needed to defend a love story that is not a fairy tale. So yes, yes, yes, and exactly, again.
August 5, 2010 9:35 am
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hey, guys- just sorta wanna nip this idea in the bud. i don’t think sarah (or, uh, anyone on apw) will try to paint a fairytale picture of relationships. in fact, i didn’t get that impression from the post at all- though i did notice this sentiment in the comments.
marriage takes WORK. it takes some choices and actions, just like brilliant sharon said.
but this work, shouldn’t always be hard. when you choose to love someone with whom you’re compatible- when you make a good choice here- that work is sometimes effortless. you enjoy putting some elbow grease into your marriage.
i don’t think sharon and sarah’s posts are at odd- but are awesome when taken in tandem. don’t work too hard to force someone into a role in which they don’t fit. but also, don’t wait around for perfection. choose someone you love, and then continue to choose to love them.
August 5, 2010 10:37 am
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Liz, you are wise and when I am dissertating in a few years, I am totally going to make you write all my chapter summaries for me. ;D
August 5, 2010 11:07 am
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aw, shucks. ;)
August 6, 2010 6:20 am
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Thank you for setting us straight, Liz. :) I am a little tender about this particular issue, largely because I waited so long to marry my husband BECAUSE of the fairytale myth. And I know APW folks are much, much wiser than that, but it was a stumbling block for me so I think that is why I react so strongly to the slightest mention of it.
August 6, 2010 1:27 pm
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Haha! I love this Sharon! Sweet and cute. Like that photo.
So. This is interesting b/c while I am both feeling what you and Sarah have said I only have this to say:
On our second date, Josh and I sat in a dimly lit Indian restaurant. (p.s. It’s the tastiest place in Baltimore and we live 2 blocks from it now. Yummers.) We were talking about our views on dating and such and when I asked him why he was dating he said, “Well, aren’t we all kind of dating to find the person we’re going to marry?” And I was in shock. I heard a little voice tell me to watch out for this guy. And your post reminds me of that night and that conversation. Although we believe more than just choosing to be with one another brought us together, there was definitely some interviewing going on, making sure we were a fit and that he had what I was looking for and vice versa.
But I think that’s the way online dating works. You pick and choose from pictures and profiles. And even then you go on date after date and finally choose someone. And lucky me that someone is going to be my husband in 9 days. HUZZAH!
August 5, 2010 4:57 am
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NINE DAYS. aaaaaah!
August 5, 2010 10:39 am
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BAAAAAAAAAAH! I know!
August 5, 2010 3:52 pm
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Exactly, exactly exactly!!!!
The best part:
” The fact of the matter is, I’m marrying him because we’ve growntoward one another in the entire time we’ve been dating. Because I’ve worked on the specific faults of mine that bother him most, or are most detrimental to our particular relationship and he’s done the same. Because we’ve chosen to learn each other’s needs and quirks and wants. Because we’ve chosen to make this relationship our home, and that rules out the other houses.”
August 5, 2010 5:14 am
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Quite simply, this is perfect. If I could pick one post of the many I’ve read here on APW, this would be the one that describes me, my feelings on love and marriage, and romance as a whole. Thank you so much for sharing what I have trouble putting into words!
August 5, 2010 5:25 am
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Very well said.
When a good friend of mine announced her engagement after much turmoil (her mother died, she broke up with her fiance, started dating another guy and then got engaged to him all within three months) I was concerned and sat her down for a chat/intervention.
“He’s not perfect, but neither am I. We are willing to work on that together.” was her response. Ah now they have I fighting chance, I thought. Three years later, it’s not perfect but they choose to be together and to move forward. A friend can’t ask for more than that.
August 5, 2010 5:32 am
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“Because we’ve chosen to make this relationship our home, and that rules out the other houses.”
This makes me want to stand up and cheer! Good words, Sharon. Thanks :)
August 5, 2010 5:50 am
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Oh thank God for this post. YES! I sort of went into hiding when we got engaged because I was afraid that my response to all the “Squee! You’re engaged! How romantic!” would be all wrong. Like “Erm… sure. ” Some of us are just not romcom types who believe in THE ONE. I mean my husband and I chose to make each other the ONES we would spend the rest of our lives with. But this active process did not happen to us and it certainly did not involve violins or seas parting. We work to make each other THE ONE each day.
And your analogy is sooooooo much better than mine. Equating love to job hunting makes me sounds like a terrible frau. But finding a house and making it a home? Swoon.
August 5, 2010 5:51 am
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Haha I had this exact same fear when I got engaged. I’m not a squealy person, so forcing the squeals seemed fake, but then NOT squealing felt like I wasn’t living up to my proper role as a newly engaged bride-to-be.
August 5, 2010 7:38 am
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Ah, and this too is me! The looks I got when people asked about my engagement, wedding, etc! I was thrilled, yes, it is what I want, yes, but I wasn’t prepared to gush.
August 5, 2010 2:47 pm
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Superb!
Perhaps getting married isn’t supposed to be romantic in the same way that “falling in love” is? Of course, (as per Sarah’s insight) it helps a whole lot that the person you marry is the same one with whom you continually fall in love. But actually trying your lives together should be the most level-headed decision we ever make.
August 5, 2010 5:52 am
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Yes, this. All of this. :)
August 5, 2010 7:16 am
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Long-time reader, first-time commenter. Sharon: this is AWESOME! love the metaphor, totally stealing it. Not even engaged, and with a man who only sees marriage as that thing you do before you have kids, but this so perfectly describes my feelings toward him and our relationship.
Meg, thanks for posting!
August 5, 2010 6:11 am
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just perfect, thank you!
August 5, 2010 6:15 am
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Sharon,
You put that so beautifully! Thank you for writing this!
Love may be something that comes easily and naturally for a while, but eventually it totally becomes a choice. When that person is so not easily loveable…but then I’m faced with the fact that I’m not always loveable, and he loves me anyway.
We chose love.
August 5, 2010 6:15 am
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I love the house analogy (even though my own house situation might really be more suited for comparison to an arranged marriage to my parents’ business partner’s son, or something. I’ve long maintained that “The One” is something you decide, not something you find.
August 5, 2010 6:16 am
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Love it. Thanks so much, I’m emailing my fiance a link to this post right now.
It’s so true! There’s a part in a book I love that says that you have to learn how to deal properly with one another and see whether marriage would be a wise choice. I can’t remember one unique moment of revelation. But just knowing that we’ve chosen each other, he’s going to keep working on how he deals with me, and I’m going to keep working on how I deal with him, and we have great chemistry to boot, I feel pretty good about things. We might occasionally acknowledge another house is pretty nice, but that doesn’t mean that the house we’re building isn’t exactly the one we want to be in.
This was exactly the post I needed 3 weeks out! Thanks!
August 5, 2010 6:21 am
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I was so happy to see your post here, Sharon! I loved this when you first put it up on your blog and I love it here too. Just scrumptious.
August 5, 2010 6:28 am
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Sharon, what a beautifully written post!! My favorite part is when you say he is “not afraid of my moods”….. honest, endearing, and still somehow hilarious. ;o) Thanks for posting this…
August 5, 2010 6:32 am
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What a great post!
August 5, 2010 6:36 am
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I so agree here!
And I think it’s even more romantic than the concept of “The One” because you choose this person over all others.
August 5, 2010 6:41 am
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Yes yes yes yes yes.
August 5, 2010 6:46 am
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K writes:
Sharon, this is so beautiful and so thought-provoking. Your analogy is actually quite similar to something my father told me when I was very young. I don’t really remember how the conversation came up, but my father (who will be celebrating the 33rd anniversary of his marriage to my mother this September) is prone to deep thoughts at random. He explained to me that he doesn’t believe in the concept of “The One,” but that, after years of life together, that person becomes “The One” because you can’t imagine a life other than the one you have chose with them for so many years. So true for us, even having only known one another for five years, and, I think, such a romantic perspective on what it is that builds and sustains a marriage.
August 5, 2010 6:50 am
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Exactly! And I think that perspective is romantic in and of itself because it looks toward the future and says, “In 5, 10, 50 years time, I will love you even more than I do at this moment.” Isn’t that rad?
August 5, 2010 7:18 am
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It so is! Plus, it means the romance is less about butterflies and grand sweeping gestures and more about stability and commitment in your relationship. Beautiful stuff!
August 5, 2010 7:24 am
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and the butterflies and romantic sweeping gestures (whatever they may be- whether flowers or washing the dishes) seem to spring naturally from the stability and commitment… no?
August 5, 2010 11:01 am
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THAT is the most romantic thing I’ve ever read :)
August 5, 2010 7:40 am
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dammit, i should’ve read this comment before posting below! you said the thoughts that were rolling around in my noggin, katy.
August 5, 2010 11:00 am
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this is simply put – fabulous. What a great analogy. I agree, I don’t think I believe in there being “the one”. As you said, there are other “homes” that can certainly make me laugh, other “homes” that are fantastic listeners, and others that are great at support. And then I found my home, Andrew, and yes – I totally accept the squeaky floorboard and the chipped paint in the bathroom. And I know that it’s my home and the right one, because I consciously chose to MAKE it my home.
I think this is such a great post. Thank you Sharon for making it a lot easier for me now to explain it to other people too!
August 5, 2010 6:59 am
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Sharon,
I absolutely LOVE this post! This is exactly how I feel, I have just never put it into words. The house analogy is perfect!
August 5, 2010 6:59 am
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this is so beautifully put! what a great metaphor. well done! thank you for sharing.
August 5, 2010 7:06 am
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So well-put. When I was in college, I used a couch metaphor to talk about the guys I dated. I mean, a couch is a serious purchase, one you have to put a lot of thought into, because if you’re anything like me, you don’t just watch TV on the couch. You read, sometimes eat (though I try not to), sleep, do crosswords on that couch. But my on-campus apartments always came with mass-produced, not-so-comfortable couches. My level of comfort with my college boyfriends mirrored the level of comfort of my *temporary* couches. And then you move on to the futons, and your roommate’s parents’ old couch (more real, comfortable, serious couches, you see).
Okay, where is this going? What I’m trying to say is Sharon, you are totally right. Now that I’m engaged and a grown-up (whatever that means), I’m not committing to buying a couch anymore. Now we’re talking about a HOUSE. And with all the things you love about it, you take the imperfections, too. And, especially, the responsibility of maintaining this house when it needs work, which, to my understanding, is ALL THE TIME.
Whew. I’m blowing my mind, here. Great post.
August 5, 2010 7:07 am
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Yes. Yes yes yes and yes.
Goodness Sharon, this was perfect.
THANK YOU!
August 5, 2010 7:14 am
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Oh god, I needed to read this today.
I am deeply in love with my fiance, and he was the first person I ever fell in the crazy.chemical.I’d.do.anything.for.you.please.don’t.leave.me love. But that level of intensity, I’m not sure it can remain THAT high for years. I still love him fiercely, but when the oxytocin in my brain started to chill just the teeniest bit, I had a huge freakout. Maybe he’s not the one?! Maybe we shouldn’t get marriet?!!! This means I’ll never get to fall in love again?!!! Cue spastic crying. And after yesterday’s post — that obviously really resonated with some people — I was like “no work? what do you mean ‘easy.’ we have to work at our relationship every day! obviously there is something terribly wrong with us!!”
Here’s the thing. I do still love him and even have butterflies. It’s just that now I can focus on other parts of my life too. Kind of freeing, really. He is the one who accepts all of my (somewhat psychotic) quirks and I do the same for him. We have fun together. We share activities and interests. I want (someday) to have a family with him. There are probably other guys out there who I could fall in love with and share interests and values with. But I choose him. And by choosing him, I get all of these gifts. Choosing does mean cutting off other options, but it also means that you get the beauty of intimacy with one person. You get someone who loves you so much, and vice versa, that they are willing to keep making that choice every day and not take things for granted. Our relationship is not perfect, and maybe not rom-com fated, or blog post beautiful, but it works for us.
August 5, 2010 7:17 am
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The romantic girly girl part of me wanted to yell NO NO NO at this post. But then I found myself saying EXACTLY to all of it! lol…this reminded me of a conversation I had with an old friend about my soon to be fiancee and he said, “it’s not that I don’t like B. I think he’s great, but I feel like you could find someone a little more attentive…” Uh, yeah, I could also find someone that plays in an indie rock band, or writes me poetry, or is a hot punk-rock chef (i always thought all of those would be fun). But that’s not the point, is it? The point is to find someone who fits you so well, you’re willing to forgo the other little extras and squeeze in the parts you never thought you’d want.
August 5, 2010 7:21 am
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Plus, the thing is that all those imaginary people you think might be fun to date or marry or whatever… they’re only imaginary. I mean, guys in indie rock bands must have to be away from home a lot, chefs work crazy hours. I’m marrying a writer who’s hugely involved in the poetry scene here in Boston, and I can tell you that pretty much never translates into him writing me poetry. My parents always used to say that the challenges of a house were what gave it character – true here too, I think. :)
August 5, 2010 7:30 am
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When I first read this I thought I can’t see love and marriage in that way. I’m absolutely not a lovey girly girl about this stuff but struggled a little with the analogy. But actually when I read it again I toatally changed my mind. Maybe when you recognise that you are making a choice to be with someone even though there are other options that makes it more meaningful. It reminded me of something my fiance said when I was having a wobble about the whole idea of marriage after yet another couple of friends split up. He said that you can never know when you go into a marriage that it will work out for sure but you can know that you love the person and that you have both chosen to always work to build on and protect what you have and allow it to grow and change. I’m sure he put it better than me. We’re not perfect, we do things that annoy each other but we are never mean or nasty to each other ( unlike my previous relationships) because we respect each other and we want to make this work
August 5, 2010 8:29 am
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i find it comforting, more than anything. because it’s not a matter of “making the right choice” or “knowing what else is out there.”
it’s a matter of making a choice based on logic and chemistry, and then working with what you got.
i can do that.
August 5, 2010 11:03 am
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Excellent excellent excellent! I love reading about other people’s views on marriage and relationships as choices. The fact that I chose my fiance, and was not destined to be with him, is very important to me and my outlook on life. Sharon’s house-buying metaphor is great, I think it applies really well. So many people are appalled when I tell them (after they bring it up) that Dan is not the only man in the world I could possibly marry, but he is the best I have found and the one worth not moving on from. We are now at the point where we have moved in together (just a few weeks ago) and are getting to know each other’s metaphorical leaky roofs, creaky stairs, and rusty hardware. And it’s great. I’m not disappointed that my One True Love never shuts the closet door, even though he knows the psycho kitten could easily get in there and destroy our nice suits, I’m kind of delighted to know that that is one of his faults. It’s like becoming familiar enough with your house that you are certain of where to put the furniture so as to not be bothered by the creaky floorboard or weird air flow that the old heating system creates. Sharon, it looks like you have a good head on your shoulders. Good luck with your marriage!
August 5, 2010 7:31 am
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Some of us love old houses with creaky floors, too small kitchens and leaky faucets. It’s what gives them charm.
August 5, 2010 9:50 am
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i would never, ever want to live in a pristine mansion.
August 5, 2010 10:43 am
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From someone who has – you’re totally right. It’s creepy. I spent my teen years in one and haaaaaaated it. Moved out and swore to never do it again. Interestingly, I feel the same way about men! Give me complicated over ostensibly perfect any day.
August 5, 2010 3:19 pm
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This, this is just right. I’ve tried to explain this many times before (never as eloquently, of course) and the house analogy is perfect. Thanks!
August 5, 2010 7:45 am
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Beautiful post!
- know for myself that love just hit me, but I did make the choice to let that love grow. I know that all the things my FH and I had been through separately, gave us a better understanding of the other and it all fit together. Yes, we did grow towards one another and we choose to love and live together for all of our lives. We are getting married in 9 days and I am so happy but people think I’m kinda cold because I’m not a big ball of SQUEEL!
Anyway, I love the house analogy…. It makes such sense!
Love it all!
August 5, 2010 7:52 am
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I am so glad that you wrote this. As someone who grew up with the idea of arranged marriage, it can be hard to process the pressure in American culture to find one perfect soul mate. It makes me constantly unsure of my choices, thinking maybe my relationship isn’t romantic enough because it doesn’t look like a Disney movie.
August 5, 2010 8:01 am
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Carolyn, I would be very interested in hearing more about what that transition was like for you… I wonder if you might consider (and Meg might post) a guest post?
August 5, 2010 9:43 am
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Thanks :) It’s a slow transition that I’m still working on! I’ll start working on writing something and see how it turns out.
August 6, 2010 7:32 am
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Wow! I’m sure most ladies who have been asked that question have always been looking for this answer! I know what I’ll tell the next person who asks me “how did you know?”.
Thanks for this, total mind opener!
August 5, 2010 8:06 am
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I see I have a lot of kindred spirits here on APW :) Maybe once, when I still watched ‘Cinderella’ and believed it true, I believed in true love, and maybe more importantly, this concept of ‘love at first sight’. But since then I paid a little more attention to the world, and saw how my parents work hard to be more than just in love- they’re best friends and confidantes. And I started to see how people who could be described as ‘passionately in love’ were not necessarily good life partners.
My guy and I have a pretty different/weird progression of our relationship. We starting dating at the end of senior year of high school. But the relationship we had then and the relationship we have now are so night and day I’m reluctant to tell anyone we started dating in high school, dreading the term “high school sweethearts”.
The fact is, I’m so fortunate to have found someone who has grown up with me and continues to push me to be a better, bigger, person than what I am. And I like to think I do the same for him. We’ll never be “grey-faced adults” as Meg so accurately described long ago, because we won’t let each other get that way.
August 5, 2010 8:20 am
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I love analogies, and Sharon, you explained yours so beautifully. Most people do want that romcom answer to “How did you know?”. Your answer is a great balance between staying true to yourself but also providing people with a satisfying response. love it!!!
August 5, 2010 8:32 am
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Perfect. This is exactly it. There was no “stereotypical Hollywood moment”. It just was.
August 5, 2010 8:41 am
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THIS IS HOW I FEEL! Thank you so much for putting it so beautifully.
August 5, 2010 8:43 am
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YES!! I just wrote a big long comment that accidentally got deleted, so I’ll just say, Thank You!! This was a much-needed (for me) counterpoint to the recent posts. Thanks, Meg, for playing like that and Sharon for articulating these thoughts so beautifully.
August 5, 2010 8:48 am
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[...] by lifeinwhite on August 5, 2010 I think you all need to head on over to APW today, and read this undergrad post. Now. Leave a [...]
August 5, 2010 8:53 am
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I thought this was very well-put, and actually an old professor of mine has a similar theory (i.e. there is no “one”): http://marketplace.publicradio.org/display/web/2009/08/27/pm-stevenson/
One important thing I’d like to (hopefully) clarify though, is that notion of painting and sprucing up your house, which could be read as changing your partner (though I don’t really think that’s how Sharon meant it). I think a lot of people get into a trap where they are not marrying their partner “as is”, but rather the (often idealized) idea of who their spouse is going to be. I have seen several marriages end when eventually, they realize that they can’t fundamentally change someone to fit their needs or wants, or that person feels pressured to be something they’re not. It’s really scary to watch, actually.
I love that you mentioned fixing your own flaws in order to suit your partner’s needs better, and in the best relationships, the ones built to last, this happens on both sides. But it cannot be forced. Yes, you can support a person, push them to follow their dreams, even ask them to change a minor thing or two about their behavior that really irks you. But if you are thinking (and I know most APW readers are smart enough not to do this) that you can fundamentally change a person after you’re married, don’t get married! Being in a happy, healthy, loving relationship is going to change people, definitely for the better. And as we grow older, we change. But in my experience, it happens organically. You can’t force a person who is content with their situation at work, for example, to suddenly become much more ambitious and push for a management position because you’d like the bigger paycheck (MacBeth syndrome). Oftentimes they will want to do it anyway, to provide better for their family, etc. But you can’t force it.
I’m not yet married (very soon though!), but I have a lot of friends and family that have been in great relationships for a long time and I see what works. I also have a significant number of friends and family that have been through divorce (even divorceS). So while I am no expert, I did want to share this one piece of wisdom I have gleaned from their experiences. That is, when joining your life with someone, you need to wholly accept them, with all their glorious qualities and all of their faults (eloquently mentioned in above metaphor as the slight incline or creaky floors). You commit to each other as is, knowing that each of you will change, your life situations will change, everything will not always be perfect. But what you really commit to is trying, working hard, to keep your relationship strong through all of the change. And that means a lot of honesty, trust, patience, and forgiveness. You are not perfect. They are not perfect. But you can be perfect for each other. (Somewhat stolen from Tom Robbins, but applicable to argument.) Anyway, I know this probably didn’t need to be said here, and thanks for listening to me preach, but I just had to get it out there… just in case. I have seen way too many peoples’ relationships end over unrealistic expectations.
August 5, 2010 8:53 am
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Absolutely, this. I commented on another post earlier this week that it actually terrifies me when I hear some of my women friends say they can’t wait to change XYZ about their significant others. I strongly believe that at the moment you say yes, the man himself (or woman herself) must be enough.
August 5, 2010 9:36 am
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painting is very different than tearing out a wing and adding on a balcony.
when you buy a house, you pick a house that you could continue to happily live-in even if nothing changes for the better. but routine maintenance is good for the HOUSE. not just those living in it.
am i taking your analogy too far, sharon, haha?
August 5, 2010 10:46 am
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Haha I like the routine maintenance analogy and yes, a little “sprucing up” probably won’t hurt, especially if he is tidying up his house as well. ;) But I guess I’m just a little sensitive about this since I had a very close friend recently end her marriage after her husband failed to live up to expectations – it’s really sad, and while I don’t think any of you APW ladies have to worry about it, I think it’s something everyone should ask themselves before taking that plunge – will I live in this house even if nothing changes? Love it.
August 6, 2010 8:37 am
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Yes.
Shortly after Boy & I decided we wanted to get married, I was driving with my older, less-experienced brother. I said, “It’s not that I love him *more* than previous boyfriends. The love I feel isn’t ‘like I’ve never felt before.’ But he is everything that I’ve learned I need, and he doesn’t hesitate to love me with his whole self. He’s open and committed to growing that love with me. So I *will* love him more than I’ve loved anyone, but not until we’ve been together for awhile and understood what that ‘looking-into-the-future-together’ love is. Marriage is recognizing the greatness of what you have, and committing to let it grow.” And he said, “Well, that sounds like the view of someone who’s dated a lot.”
Oh, brother, just wait.
August 5, 2010 8:55 am
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I want to print this out and carry it around with me for people to read when the subject of marriage & “The One” come up. It’s something I completely agree with, but could never say so beautifully. Thank you (a dozen times over)!
August 5, 2010 9:01 am
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I really love this analogy, and not only because it meshes with my idea of love as a choice and marriage as a deliberate decision to make a relationship work with this person, rather than as a one-true-soul-mate pairing.
I also love the analogy because while searching for a home, I had a list of preferences, but was also willing to toss that list after walking into a place and feeling like it was a good fit. This analogy leaves room for feeling a particular connection to another person, and deciding that it is worth negotiating some items missing from the ideal list in order to sustain a commitment.
August 5, 2010 9:07 am
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I wish you could EXACTLY! an entire post. Because I would.
August 5, 2010 9:18 am
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This. Gave. Me. Warm. Fuzzies.
August 5, 2010 9:29 am
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Exactly, exactly, exactly!
This post is the one that sounds exactly like me. The metaphor is perfect.
To the dismay of many of my friends and family, I have never believed in “the One.” In fact, I think that idea and the whole ‘happily ever after’ thing (don’t even get me started on rom-coms) are the reasons people are never satisfied with relationships.
A friend of mine split from his wife a couple years ago. When I heard, I told him “you know, you go through your childhood believing in ‘happily ever after,’ but the reality is that Cinderella is married to someone with a shoe fetish, Snow White is having an affair with a dwarf, Sleeping Beauty hates being a stay-at-home mom, and Belle wishes the Beast would just be a Beast…. There is no ‘happily ever after’ or ‘the One.” The reality is that marriage and relationships are effing hard. You choose to be present or not present – every day. You give things a chance, you give it your best – and you’ll keep doing it because deep down you know it’s worth it. Really, love is the only thing that is.”
August 5, 2010 9:37 am
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It’s funny because I find myself somewhere between both ideas: I definitely don’t believe in “the one” man I am destined to marry. I could’ve ended up any number of men… and there are many thousands more out there, in other countries, with whom I’d probably be compatible. Yes, we mesh particularly well, but I also love him because we’ve spent so much time together and made so many memories. I might feel similarly about many men, had I spent 5 years with them, too.
But at the same time, I do believe in chemistry, as much as I hate that hackneyed concept. The logical side of me didn’t even want to fall in love at the time… it just happened. And I’d scoffed at the idea of “falling” into anything, until I did, without quite knowing how. I’d gone out with men who were more “suitable,” on paper and felt nothing. I feel strongly that he is the only one I want, and I felt that way very early on, before I had a chance to “weigh” his merits. And there was absolutely no logic involved in choosing him… it was deeper, more elemental. Maybe it was simply lust + brain chemicals released post-sex?
So I guess I really like the *idea* of choosing to love someone… but I don’t know if I fully understand the mechanics behind it yet….
August 5, 2010 9:46 am
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Oh, trust me, I believe very strongly in the need for chemistry. Part of why Jason and I suit each other so well can only be explained by chemistry. But like Saartjie said above, choosing to marry felt – to me – entirely different than falling in love did.
August 5, 2010 10:06 am
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I don’t think the ideas of having chemistry and not finding “The One” are contradictory. It’s about *after* the chemistry happens. The “what if there’s a better person out there because I’m not sure if this is my soulmate” internal conversation.
The fact is, there very well could be someone “better” for you, that you could love “more” or be more compatible with. But if you have true, deep happiness and satisfaction (the kind that you feel underneath the daily fluctuations), why bother to keep looking? There’s what? 6 BILLION other people to sift through, when you’re perfectly happy with the one sitting right in front of you. That’s the choice that you have to make. To not glorify love as being something more than it is, because it takes more than love to make a lasting relationship.
August 5, 2010 10:24 am
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oh yes, chemistry is essential. you can’t force a relationship with someone with whom you don’t “click.” but you also don’t just “fall in love” and let the chips fall where they may.
you very carefully choose someone who fits the bill- someone you feel good around, enjoy spending time with, are attracted to, share common interest with… and then you work to make those squishy feelings stick around. chemistry comes first, working to make it last comes after.
but you can’t make something “last” if it was never there in the first place.
August 5, 2010 10:49 am
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Oh…..I loved the house metaphor because I’ve said very recently:
It isn’t that D is the person I’ve loved the most. It isn’t that he is perfect. It isn’t that he is the funniest, best looking, most charming… It is just that from day one, when I was with him, I finally felt like I was finally home.
August 5, 2010 9:48 am
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