So, I'm not caught up on life yet. And well, I wanted to write for you guys about first anniversaries, and what happens in the days after... but... I also want to stay sane. So you'll get that next week. But I'm so enjoying being BACK, that I wanted to talk about something on APW today. So, as I do, I went prowling around in my emails, and ohmygod, I found it. This anonymous wedding undergraduate post about cold feet and relationship anxiety really hit home for me. The writer has General Anxiety Disorder, and writes eloquently about it in a way that I think rings true for, well, the general human condition to crib from her post. But, I'm going to say f*ck it, and tell you point blank, I also have anxiety issues. Mine are, these days, on a much smaller scale (which basically means that 95% of the time I'm the most together and efficient ball of energy you know, and then it all gets overwhelming and oh shhhhhhiiiiiiittttttt is that the world collapsing? Then? FINE again.) but they are very real. So I really really really understand where the writer is coming from, and MAN she's brave to say it.
And on a more general scale, who among us has *not* had some anxiety about our relationship, pre or post wedding? And dosen't it feel better to just come out and admit it? I thought so. So let's go:
I’m reluctant to chime in here, as I’m uncommonly private and have never contributed to the blogosophere. But the recent discussion about cold feet, dropouts, and divorce has been stirring, to say the least. So here goes.
I struggle a ton with doubt and cold feet—not just in my relationship with my fiancé, but in my relationship to myself and life on a big scale. I continually seek the insight and guidance of family, friends, and a cognitive behavioral therapist. I have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, which at first sounded like a ridiculous term (don’t we all feel anxious about life in general—isn’t that part of the human experience and a particular problem of modernity?!?) but finally makes sense to me. I am anxious enough to be hindered by my own thoughts, to feel trapped by and afraid of my own thinking, to worry that I am “doomed to misery” because my mind has some bad habits that allow little room for the peace I crave. It’s cyclical and unproductive. And diagnosis or not, this is actually quite a common experience for folks.
So, regarding my impending marriage, of course I’m anxious! Sometimes I panic and want to flee, and I withdraw emotionally from my fiancé. And of course I deride myself for feeling this way—it’s a common behavior of anxious people to punish oneself. Should I “listen to my gut” and “trust my intuition” when I can pinpoint each of my cognitive distortions and when my body tells me a dozen conflicting things? My therapist says, “Yes, some people ‘just know’ they have found the right person, but YOU will never ‘know.’ Not with this man or another. You’ll have to choose whether this person is the one with whom you want to face the challenge of anxiety.”
But choosing!! What could be more symptomatic of anxiety than indecision? What could be more at the root of the “Age of Anxiety” than the proliferation of options, the expansion of possibilities, and the growing complexity of our identities? Yet we have to choose, daily and always, to stay alive! “To be or not to be” can be restated as “to choose or not choose.” Maybe this language is superfluous, but I’m trying to underscore that anxious thinking is deeply rooted and pervasive.
And then there’s my fiancé, who is unfathomably certain of me. (How? It makes me feel evil and blessed at the same time! And no, he’s not just pretending!) But not only is he certain of me, he chooses without hesitation to face the challenge of anxiety with me. He has seen me through five years of that challenge (including the chronic physical ailments that are psychosomatically linked), and it is not easy on him by any stretch of the imagination. If we were apart, we wouldn’t have this particular anxiety-trigger that every close relationship is (even when an anxiety disorder isn’t part of the equation)—indeed, we might be slightly more at peace. When I’m in a panic, how tempting it sounds to have one less thing to fret about! But apart, we also wouldn’t have the immense joy and solace that our togetherness brings. In every anxious spell I’ve experienced with him, his devotion has moved me to stay, to be still, and often to weep with gratitude.
I really have to restrain myself from calling my fiancé “a saint,” but I do want to convey how wonderful this human being is. Everyone in my life unanimously adores him, and thankfully, tells me with absolute conviction that he’s a keeper and a terrific match for me. Most importantly, of course, his radiance still makes my heart fluttery, and sleeping next to him is the truest sanctuary I’ve found. And yet and yet, like scratching an itch, how instinctually or habitually I find and cling to something I don’t like “about him.” Yes, I put “about him” in quotes because I am well aware that I use the lens of my own perspective to interpret “his” characteristics, to determine the implications of “how he is,” to judge the virtue of our relationship, and to predict our future! I’m not saying that I am inventing or imagining things. No, of course his irksome-to-me behaviors are in fact happening and are objectively observable by a machine incapable of judgment. And if another woman were his companion instead of me, she might be bothered by the same characteristics. But the extent of my agitation is distinctly a product of my “special” (I’ll pick a nice euphemism) mind. My criticisms of him are a mere fraction of my self-criticism. It breaks my heart that I burden him with my perfectionism; I have hurt myself enough already with its terrible edge.
Only in the past couple years have I sought professional help for anxiety. It’s difficult to comprehend how I lived without this help for so long! But the fact is, before I met my man, I had neither the insight nor the incentive to confront my mind and change my behaviors. The coping mechanisms that had worked (albeit disfunctionally) when I was solo no longer work with and for my companion. I want him to be happy, and miraculously, I finally find it imperative to be happy myself, to strive for it and to learn new ways of thinking and living. He, too, is inspired to grow. I used to worry that he would “change for me and not for himself,” but I quickly learned the distinction: it took us loving each other to see our own beauty and frailty reflected back at ourselves. It brings to mind the Velvet Underground song…
“I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't, let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid"
…which, I have just realized, must be included in our wedding.
Thanks, APW, for your wisdom!
PS:
I appreciate the advice that we should be "110% certain" before getting married. But 110% certainty is not a part of the mental function of some people (like me), and it probably never will be. By that logic, I should never permit myself to be married to anyone--and that's such a harsh prison sentence, it makes me cry to think about it. Would the wise thing be to postpone marriage until that elusive day of certainty arrives? I will die before then. The best I can hope for is between 80% and 100% certainty on a given day and enough faith to pull me through the other side of the ratio.
So, for the sake of anxious folks, I'm going to propose a new criterion for marriage, preserving your math: not 110% certainty, but 110% FAITH.
Dear friend:
Your soul sings for this man. It is so clear in your words. My eyes are puddled up for you right now and for the daily struggle of anxiety and fear. We all know it in some fashion. You are brave. You are thoughtful. You have had the courage to seek help and tondo the hardest thing of all — to change. That is so huge. And your reward is your happiness, imperfect as it is, and you will GLOW on your wedding day because you have overcome and you have won. I’m so excited for you, and wish you so much sunshine. It will all be imperfect, but you alreadynknow life is imperfect and so are all weddings and all relationshios. And it will be beautiful! Hugs hugs hugs
August 19, 2010 4:58 am
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I am crying right now, out of relief. I have been so wracked with anxiety about my fiance and my wedding lately. I didn’t know why, because I had been so ecstatic. I love him, he makes me so unbelievably happy. I kept thinking, “What if we stop being happy with each other? What if we get divorced? What if we shouldn’t even get married? How will we be able to live together? Maybe I won’t be able to put up with (x behavior). Maybe he won’t be able to handle my crazy crazy self.” And then I read this. And it spoke to me. This is my mind and my struggle, though perhaps on a smaller scale of anxiety. I am never certain of my life decisions; I have difficulty even picking an outfit for the day or deciding on what restaurant we should have dinner at. So thank you, anonymous writer, because I feel so much better knowing that I’m a person who won’t “know” because of my anxious mind that doubts me at every turn. I can stop tormenting myself over the negative thoughts, now. I want to hug you.
August 19, 2010 5:02 am
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I LOVE THIS. Finally, anxiety and cold feet addressed, and so eloquently! This makes me so calm and so peaceful knowing others are having a similar experience, and that I am not diving headfirst into something my gut twists into knots about every other month. The times when I’m not overwhelmed with worry are times where I am happier than I’ve ever been. Feeling evil and blessed at the same time is a perfect, perfect description.
August 19, 2010 5:09 am
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I have to say, this was one of the most beautiful and powerful thoughts that I have ever read. Congratulations to you for having such clarity of thought and for having the bravery to share it. Thank you for offering up your story and your wisdom, and your eloquent words. I wish you nothing but faith in your relationship as you live it one day at a time.
August 19, 2010 5:19 am
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Thank you thank you thank you. For speaking up for those of us who will never experience “110% sure” about anything. For those of us who are constitutionally incapable of “just knowing.”
My husband and I are BOTH inveterate doubters, both relentlessly analytical and rational, both deeply skeptical of the whole institution of marriage as practiced by many, haunted by the sad stories of others. But we got married–after MUCH agonizing, much fear, many excruciating intense, brutally honest conversations. And I have to tell you–it felt overwhelmingly, unexpectedly great. We walked down that aisle together feeling such release. It still (admittedly, only a few months later) feels great. For us, it was a matter of making a leap and claiming from fear and doubt something we wanted to make part of our lives.
We still worry. There are so many things to worry about: will we have kids? Will we regret doing so? Regret not doing so? Will we resent each other because of that regret? Will we be able to manage a two-career relationship with neither party feeling thwarted? Can we grow together rather than apart in the decades ahead, as we inevitably change and develop individually? Can we deal with the stress of our variously difficult families and care for our parents as they age?
But we decided that to give in to these sorts of worries would be to live in a stunted way. So we made that leap. Life is short, and we think we can live it well together. There’s so much rich experience out there to be savored, and there’s no time to waste in being afraid.
Best of luck to you–
August 19, 2010 5:30 am
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YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Thank you for putting into words what I felt over the past year of my engagement. I too have had severe doubts and fears around my husband, but also surrounding everything in life! I totally agree with you, those of us with intensely analytical minds (another good euphemism for anxiety!) will never be 100% sure about anything, and its ok, aim for 75%-80%. Despite all my fears, despite all my anxiety-related illnesses, my wedding was wonderful, I never, ever expected to say that, but moments of great happiness, joy and peace can belong to everyone, even those of us who are “evil and blessed at the same time.”
August 19, 2010 5:32 am
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thank you.
this was everything i needed to hear. faith, not certainty IS enough. i cannot thank you enough for writing this. and thank you meg, for posting this.
(sorry, i’m crying too hard to say much more than this.)
August 19, 2010 6:01 am
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I also struggle with severe anxiety issues so this hit home. Thank you for sharing. My friends and family often struggle understanding my issues (“We just did it. I dind’t really think about it.” is the answer I most often get when asking for advice. Unfortunately, not really thinking about it has NEVER been an option for me and probably never will be. Thank you again for an honest post about this struggle that affects so many people.
August 19, 2010 6:10 am
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so timely. i’ve been staying away from apw lately because stories of 110% certain brides have sent my own anxiety issues into gear. i’ve had nights where i can’t sleep, days where i feel like i just want to stick a pin in my gut to relieve the pressure of the anxiety. so many what ifs have been flooding my mind, seemingly out of nowhere, some about the day of, some about being married.
what if I’m not filled with joy on the day of my wedding? what if the anxiety comes to a tearful head? what if he’s not grinning ear to ear as we say our vows? what if i call him the night before and he doesn’t answer because he’s asleep but i think he’s not answering because he doesn’t want to talk to me? what if we start fighting after we’re married? what if one of us cheats? what if we aren’t happy? what if what if what if.
and he, he is so certain, so steadfast that i find myself clinging to his certainty in the hopes that some of it will rub off on me, but feeling like i am, as you said, evil for not having the ability to return his certainty.
and god it feels so wonderful, so relieving to know that i’m not the only one out there who is feeling this. thank you for sharing these words i needed to hear.
so here’s to Faith.
August 19, 2010 6:21 am
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Yes!
I’ve been having the same reaction to these 110$ sure brides. Obviously, that is their truth. But for me, another Generalized Anxiety Disordered (plus panic disordered person) who can ruminate and “what if” myself to death, if I had to feel 110% certain of things, well, I’d probably never leave the house or talk to another human being.
My worry over some of these APW folks actually sent me back into therapy, which I’d been out of for awhile. My therapist said a few things which were really helpful.
1.) My fiance does not have to be my everything. If I’m freaking out because he doesn’t like going out to dance parties with me (I’m an oddly extroverted worrier), I can go out with my friends. If he doesn’t like talking political theory with me, I can take a class. It’s not fair to expect one person to be ALL THINGS AT ALL TIMES. What IS important is that he is who I want to come home to when I’ve done all these things. He feels so solidly like home.
2. It is perfectly normal to have very complicated feelings about something that is as big as marriage. While for some people, they may just ‘KNOW’ she pointed out that it is actually very common to have some feelings of ambivalence – especially for those of us who didn’t grow up dreaming of getting married. And that if we do have these complicated feelings, it is so important to acknowledge them instead of pretending they don’t exist because we’re not ‘supposed’ to feel anything but elated.
I’ve also found it intensely helpful to be honest my the dude. Instead of bottling it up, to just say, I’m feeling really anxious because I keep worrying about grad school and what if I need to go away, and you can’t get a job there, and then I don’t go to grad school and I feel resentful. And he usually says something wonderfully soothing like “You can do whatever you need to do. I will support you. We will make it work.” And this? This is exactly why I have faith.
August 19, 2010 6:59 am
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Zoe, i want to hug you now. seriously. or at least get coffee together and talk and maybe i can cry a little :)
thanks for the recap on the advice from your therapist. i too am an extrovert (if i admit to having anxiety issues people tend not to take me seriously. i’m good at hiding it. which is why i’m terrified to bring this up to friends.) and both of those points resonate with me. very thoroughly. so this is my verbose way of saying Exactly!
August 19, 2010 7:51 am
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1.) My fiance does not have to be my everything.
THIS. Was the biggest revelation of my relationship, and probably saved it. Giving each other space, and more importantly, understanding why, is what changed us from high-school caliber to a full-blown adult relationship.
August 19, 2010 8:05 am
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Me too. I dunno why, just hitting exactly didn’t seem like enough. :P
August 21, 2010 4:28 pm
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I just have to point out, “My fiance does not have to be my everything.” and “It is perfectly normal to have very complicated feelings about something that is as big as marriage,” could be APW thesis statements. So really, really ladies. When a post is bothering you, go find a post with the opposite persepctive, yesss?
August 19, 2010 9:33 am
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Exactly. AND, just so you know, having gotten married under the same set of feelings/worries… it is totally possible to have a completely, utterly, full of love blissed out wedding day. I did. You will too, I’m guessing.
August 19, 2010 10:51 am
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Zoe, Thank you this. I’ve also got some anxiety issues and I worked with my own therapist for months — really hard, hard work for me — about how I was so freaked out that I didn’t feel I loved him 110 percent. I thought something was wrong with me, like I didn’t know how to love, because there were times I said, “I could walk away right now and not feel like the world was ending.” Having someone say to me “he doesn’t have to be your very best friend” was like the heavens opening up with the light of knowledge.
On my wedding day, I was so anxious that I was doing the wrong thing because I didn’t feel the overwhelming omygodthisistheverybestdayofmyliiiiiife! feeling, that I kept shifting from one foot to the other with all my extra energy. If I didn’t do it, I would’ve run right into the woods so I could breathe and get away from it for a minute or two. The whole day I looked at him, he told me, with some sort of freaked-out look. I just remember thinking, Holy shit, I married him, it’s so wrong, and Holy shit, I married him, it’s so right.
I finally realized, I’ll never be 110 percent. But I will be as sure as I can be, one day at a time, that he is right for me and marrying him was the right decision. I have to trust myself that i know my instincts and that I did the best thing for me. And that’s how I get through the days.
August 19, 2010 12:17 pm
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Wow, reading this was officially an “ah ha!” moment for me.
Bless you for posting this.
August 19, 2010 1:49 pm
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Oh my gosh – Zoe!!! Your #1 point just really hit home with me. I need to remember this. I freaked out recently because my husband was not enjoying himself at my friend’s wedding (wonder why?! duh, me.) and we ended up getting in a big fight about it and I actually said to him, “Maybe we’re just not compatible!” Hmm. I have realized since (after lots of talking… and also laughing at how freakin’ dramatic I can be) that my husband doesn’t have to (and most likely won’t) want to do EVERY single thing I want to do for the rest of my life. I’ve realized that I may have to take some trips with my family or girl friends instead of with him… that I can ask my friends to see a movie or meet someone out for drinks if he is not feeling like doing it that day. That just because he doesn’t have all the exact same wants and needs as me at the exact same time (how unrealistic was I to think this?!) – doesn’t mean we aren’t great together still!
This post just reiterated that for me – so thank you SO MUCH! That is absolutely what I needed to hear and will be important for me to remember now & thru our marriage. He does not have to be my everything all the time… and that’s okay! :)
August 19, 2010 3:51 pm
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Wow. What an intense conversation. Zoe, I completely related to and understand your comment. It hit home for me in a big way. My worries are exactly the same as the ones you listed. The advice was really helpful. Thank you!
August 21, 2010 7:08 pm
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Thank you for your post: it’s wonderful to hear I can relate to many out there; feeling the same way I am with only 8 days away from my wedding..I can’t stop crying..
Faith…PRAY…LOVE
August 25, 2010 3:41 pm
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Thank you. I too am on the verge of tears. I’ve had a rough couple of days. I’ve had a rough year. I’ve had a rough decade. I have ALWAYS been anxious, since I was a child. And I’ve been depresses on and off since I was young as well. To cope in my dysfunctional, alcoholic, loveless (between my parents) home, I HAD to be anxious. It protected me. If I worried FOR my parents, it made me feel a little more at ease because, well, they weren’t worrying about me. I was a very, very old kid with a long checklist of worries I had to click through each day just to make it.
That was great as a child. It meant I sailed through intact and I am great in a crisis. But now? It doesn’t usually serve me (that’s an understatement). Today, I am actually determined to not enjoy my wedding because it will suck anyway, right? And no one will have fun, of course? And I have no friends? And I feel numb and nothing and life will always suck. I have seriously been having these thoughts for the past few days and they have flitted into my mind on and off during this wedding planning period. Once they pass, I know it’s not reality and I know that I can only live that day for me, not for my guests, not for my groom, not for anyone. And I KNOW that the more joy I feel, the more joy my guests will feel. And I know I need to breathe. But when those thoughts are flashing like neon signs in my head, I just can’t believe anything else. I feel awful, so lonely. I push everyone away. I come here and read people saying things like, “I’d marry my husband in my pajamas in our living room, that’s how much I want to marry him,” and I’m like, wow, I SO don’t feel that, I must not love my fiance or anyone and I truly suck (did I mention I veer towards masochism too!? Why come here on those Bad Thought Days!).
I realize that I am really struggling with anxiety and depression right now. Why wouldn’t I be? I have been for most of my life and now I’m about to get married in my 30th year while also going back to school to completely switch careers after having moved to a new city in a new neighborhood that is hard to love and just getting through the first year of my fiance and I living together after 3 1/2 years of long distance. I have much to be anxious about on a good day so when those bad days come, it is BAD. I’ve been reluctant to take meds and I’m not in therapy now (I miss my old therapist) but reading this post and typing away my longest comment here after mostly lurking and feeling at once inspired and not good enough while reading APW, I realize I need some help.
I may never feel 110% about anything in my life either. I don’t know what it feels like to NOT be ambivalent about everything. But I do know that my fiance loves me and lord, he just might be a saint (with sometimes annoying habits!) who puts up with me saying things like, “I don’t want to get married. I hate this wedding. Our wedding will suck,” every other day. And then in the next minute saying, “What do you think of this cute wedding recipe box on etsy!?” How does he put up with me? If he said that to me, I would flip. But the fact that I can say that, and he can take it, and be there for me and see past my anxiety and fear, even on a bad day, I know he is a good man, a thoroughly kind and loving man who still manages to see all of me, even when I lose myself.
August 19, 2010 6:26 am
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Joselle, i do that too–the coming here when i’m at my worst as if i want to confirm my negative, anxious thoughts.
and then i go to the weddingbug and it makes me feel a little better that at least i’m freaking out over serious things :)
August 19, 2010 6:43 am
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Ha! Must try weddingbug today!
August 19, 2010 8:52 am
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I hear you.
And my on/off anxiety and “dark funks” (where nothing will possibly be right ever again and it’s my own fault because I say so) which had lay dormant for many many months (and that is a big deal) got triggered by getting engaged.
Not immediately, for the first few weeks all was coffee and cookies, but THEN the world crashed.
I think it’s really common, dare I say Normal (as in, you could probably fit a gaussian distribution curve to the recurrence of anxiety in previously anxious/depressed people experiencing an impending rite of passage) to need help righting the boat*.
You’re not alone, and you’ll be in my thoughts.
*the brain boat. I tried to think of another way to end that sentence, but I’m a neuroscience grad student…so I couldn’t and I’m sorry.
August 19, 2010 6:59 am
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So this might be weird, or even deemed as unhealthy, for some. But I found it useful. When I was planning the wedding and worrying about whether or not anyone will have fun, I heard from someone musing about weddings that the guests will take their cues on how to behave from the bride and groom. If you are smiling and having fun, they will smile and have fun. And I realized, my job on that day was not to worry about details, or perfection, or making people happy, but it was to focus on what would work for me, what would make me functional, accessible to joy. So that I could have that smile on my face, allowing everyone else to do the same. The weird part is this: for some people (i.e. me), anxiety is about making sure everyone else is happy, and so realizing that my responsibility to make myself happy that day was the best way to ensure that others could also enjoy it was something I could focus my worried mind on accomplishing. And of course, that lesson applies to every day, doesn’t it??
August 19, 2010 11:40 am
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Wow. I think this is one of my absolute favorite posts to date. What a beautiful, beautiful post. I’m big time in tears right now and super happy I did not read this at the office! Whew…
I loved this part especially:
It took us loving each other to see our own beauty and frailty reflected back at ourselves.
That is amazing… and absolutely what love and marriage should be. We all have self-doubt in our lives – so having that ‘mirror’ to help us see ourselves in a better light is truly a blessing…
Thank you for sharing this! Best of luck with your big day – I’m positive it will be a fantastic day! (Wedding graduate post – pretty, pretty please???) :)
August 19, 2010 6:29 am
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Oh – and this part – I loved this part too:
Not 110% certainty, but 110% FAITH.
Yes! :)
August 19, 2010 6:33 am
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I’m a first-time commenter, but felt compelled to say something today. I stumbled across this blog at at time in my engagement when I TRULY needed it (some real perspective on weddings and marriage). My fiance’s father passed away 7 months before we were getting married and somehow the blogs that esteemed flowers, favors, and decor didn’t resonate with me anymore. This blog did, with it’s perspectives from honest and courageous women. I’ve been avidly reading since, but this post is something that I will (crying while writing this) always remember and refer to. I know I have anxiety and that “knowing” feeling is something that I’ve burdened myself with trying to find, knowing full well that I will never be able to have this. I actually wrote in a journal yesterday that marriage for me will be about FAITH – and I got goosebumps reading the last sentence of this post. Thank you.
August 19, 2010 6:43 am
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110% FAITH = My new mantra.
Thank you for being so open, selfless, and brave by sharing this with us. It’s exactly what I needed to read today. Bless you.
August 19, 2010 6:44 am
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I’ve been on the other side of this — I was in a five-year relationship with a man who suffered from anxiety disorder. And all I can say is you appear to be more certain of your love and upcoming marriage than you realize. Your words came from your heart, and they’re more telling than the doubts you have in your brain. Thank you for being a brave soul and writing this.
August 19, 2010 6:53 am
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Ditto. I’m in a relationship with a man who suffers severe anxiety and depression and I’m to the point where I don’t know if I can do it for the rest of my life. He doesn’t get the help he needs and being on the other side of constant doubt and questioning can be rather lonely. Taking the steps to behave differently shows how much she loves this man.
August 19, 2010 11:03 am
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Thank you SO MUCH for this post. If only I got to read it yesterday when I was so worked up and doubted myself so much that I thought i’d need to call off the wedding. All the ’110% sure’ and ‘when you know, you know’ comments only serve to heighten my anxiety and self-doubt. Reading East Side Bride’s post on cold feet yesterday pushed me over the edge, so it’s so great to read this and breathe a sigh of relief that there are others who over-analyse, and are plagued by doubt and indecision.
Your comments about being hard on your fiance and projecting your need for perfection on him is just what I do, and I punish myself for it because I know it’s a terrible thing to do, but can’t seem to help it. He too is a most amazing, selfless and kind man who gives so much unconditional love.
Thank you for being brave enough to put all of this into words and wishing you all the best for your wedding and marriage, it sounds like you’re onto a great thing :)
August 19, 2010 7:09 am
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All the talk about cold feet and certainty scared the crap out of me, but the most recent post on East Side Bride was completely and utterly terrifying. The timing of this post on APW could not be better. Seriously, SALVATION.
August 19, 2010 7:54 am
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i thought the eastside post was entirely different than this one. it’s the internet, so who really knows.
but the doubts this poster expressd are… normal-ish… for her. the eastside chick was going on about not being able to be herself with her guy and about how she tiptoes around his feelings when she makes a decision. those aren’t the kind of doubts i would wish on anyone.
this poster describes “immense joy.” eastside chick said her guy is “kindhearted.”
not really the same thing.
August 19, 2010 8:01 am
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Oh, I totally agree!! The East Side post deeeeeeeeefinitely sounded like she needed to pull back, rethink, and possibly call of the wedding. It wasn’t about cold feet; it was about a relationship that didn’t sound right for the person at ALL.
But that’s the problem with anxiety; it’s irrational. I read the ESB post and it was about “cold feet” and this person worrying and it’s too damn easy for me to compare it to my worries and my fears. So suddenly I’m spiraling from “cold feet” to “OMG WE SHOULDN’T GET MARRIED THIS IS A MISTAKE”, without any real rational provocation. It’s not ESB’s fault, or Meg’s, or anyone else’s, even mine! It’s the way my mind works. Because I’m aware of it, I try and tamp it down, but there’s only so much I can do. And where posts like the one on ESB rattle me, posts like this one on APW help shore up my resources, help remind me that I’m not alone, and that even if I’m not “certain”, that this is definitely right.
August 19, 2010 8:15 am
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That ESB post freaked me the hell out, too, and I’m already married!!
August 19, 2010 8:27 am
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i can’t exactly this enough. i just now, having been properly warned by you guys, went over to ESB to torture myself by reading that post! why is my anxious side so masochistic? hahaha (thankfully, i was so buoyed by this post today, and an upswing in mood in general, that i’m not letting it bring me down.)
August 19, 2010 11:23 am
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Oh my god, you guys!! I went through the same god-damned thing! This is hilarious! It seems over the past few weeks there have been quite a few of these “Be Certain, 100% certain, when-you-know-you-know” posts, so when I saw the headline for this one, I was like … umm… Maybe I won’t read it. SO glad I did. Ha! BTW, I was the Anonymous commenter on that post who joined in with the one other person saying that doubt isn’t necessarily a relationship death sentence. And, definitely you make an excellent point, Liz, but for those of us who have this fear, it takes so little to trigger it! But I reasoned with myself very similarly to calm myself down. ;) I’m getting married in less than two weeks, and I was talking with my therapist last night being like, What is wrong with me that I let myself get freaked out by blog comments? Anyway, totally relate to this woman’s story and y’all! Also, wow, I never really paid attention to the lyrics in that great Velvet Underground song. So beautiful!
August 19, 2010 12:49 pm
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I want to “exactly” the heck out of these 3 statements:
“And then there’s my fiancé, who is unfathomably certain of me. (How? It makes me feel evil and blessed at the same time! And no, he’s not just pretending!) But not only is he certain of me, he chooses without hesitation to face the challenge of anxiety with me.”
“But the fact is, before I met my man, I had neither the insight nor the incentive to confront my mind and change my behaviors. The coping mechanisms that had worked (albeit disfunctionally) when I was solo no longer work with and for my companion.”
“The best I can hope for is between 80% and 100% certainty on a given day and enough faith to pull me through the other side of the ratio.
So, for the sake of anxious folks, I’m going to propose a new criterion for marriage, preserving your math: not 110% certainty, but 110% FAITH.”
August 19, 2010 7:13 am
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LOVE LOVE LOVE
Thanks for writing and sharing and baring it all! I would say I also have higher than normal anxiety and indecision because of it, so 110% certainty is not something that I can do.
But 110% faith? THAT I can do!
August 19, 2010 7:17 am
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Wow. Wow. And wow again.
This resonated so strongly, about choosing something, and then having the faith to follow through with it. Beautiful, incredibly well-written, and very well-timed. Hugs to you, and I’m so glad that you have an excellent support system in your family, your therapist, and your love.
August 19, 2010 7:20 am
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I loved this post, and I’ve appreciated reading the comments so far. I just wanted to share my impression of an aspect of APW. What I take as the “atmosphere” or “norm” of APW is that this is a place where people can share their personal experiences without imposing that on other people. Like “This is how it is for me but no pressure for you to be that or feel that because we are smart empathetic ladies and we know that everyone experiences things differently.” I feel extremely validated here, even in the ways I may differ from certain people — the scent in the air here affirms and validates that you are OK, your feelings about marriage are OK, and your wedding will be OK. I feel a little confused that some have been mentioning lately that they are comparing themselves to some of the APW writers or commenters. Maybe that is natural and inevitable, but my hunch is that is not the intended result.
August 19, 2010 7:26 am
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Mel, it’s not the that the posters intended to inspire comparison. not at all. those are beautiful, wonderful, joyous moments and feelings that they are sharing as their own truths. it’s just that for some of us, the comparing is inevitable. it feeds the anxious feelings. you read, I’d get married in my pj’s right now, and I hope every bride gets to feel this joy, and you think, Holy sh!t. Get married right now? This very moment? But what about x,y,z?? and What if I don’t get that joy? What if I’m overthinking so much that day that that joy is absent? Is it me? Is this wrong?
And yet i know this: it’s me; not the people who have posted.
August 19, 2010 7:44 am
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I think Mel is right though (and I know of what I speak, since I have an anxiety disorder… though indecisiveness is not part of my particular disorder. Achem, obviously).
Anyway, writing a site like this I work really hard to air a whole lot of viewpoints that I think are totally honest and true, and totally conflicting. Often I think seemingly opposing viewpoints are both are true… and I just have one brain. Like, yes, I was 110% sure about my marriage! Yes, I have crazy irrational anxiety about my marriage! And I think it’s actually really cool to have both sides of my thought process validated. Like: Yes! Both of these things can be true AT THE SAME TIME FOR THE SAME PERSON! YESSS!
So. What I’m dancing around here is that no one should ever feel like one voice or one idea or one set of comments of the site is the end all and be all, or is a yardstick for comparing themselves against. Because A) Your truth is your truth and having a place to speak your truth is rad. and B) A reader writing about overwhelming joy might also have had overwhelming anxiety, that just wasn’t something she talked about in the two paragraphs she strung together for APW.
But hopefully, collectively, all the posts on APW, when looked at in wideview form some sort of mosaic of truth.
And I get that those of us that are anxious are anxious. But if some sentence or line of thought on APW is making you freak out, try to take a step back. Go find a post that says the opposite thing. Read that for awhile. Have a whisky. And then think of something new to be anxious about ;)
August 19, 2010 9:29 am
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haha, meg. i wanted to say, “HOLY CRAP, if it’s doing that to you, DON’T READ THE BLOG.”
but didn’t want to scare your readers away lol. and didn’t want it to sound like, “fine. you don’t need to play here any more,” when i really meant, “ACH, don’t do that to yourself, dear one!!”
August 19, 2010 9:38 am
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Yup, I’ve fallen into the trap of letting a comment or two shake me up a little too much. I have to remind myself that most of what people write on here is almost entirely shaped by their own experience and only relates to my particular situation as much as I allow it to.
“But hopefully, collectively, all the posts on APW, when looked at in wideview form some sort of mosaic of truth.”
True dat.
August 19, 2010 9:40 am
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“B) A reader writing about overwhelming joy might also have had overwhelming anxiety, that just wasn’t something she talked about in the two paragraphs she strung together for APW.”
This is a revelation I had all on my own this last week, and this thought was buzzing around my head all morning as I read the post and the comments. How EASY is it to forget that we’re all prone to filter how we present ourselves, especially in a forum like the interwebs where anonymity is the prime effect? As in, I can be equally likely to rush in to reassure someone whose despairing comment tugs my heartstrings as to throw up my hands in my own despair because MY husband thinks living right here in suburbia is just perfect, thanks very much and so-and-so and her fiance are having a blast living in the city and eating gelato on date nights (waaaaaaiiilll! where is my gelato!!!???!!! Why doesn’t my husband like gelato too???? Ok, that was a shallow example, but you understand what I mean. Right? Right.)
So yeah, we are selective about how we present ourselves. What I see, though, is that this community is maturing as it grows, and the selectivity is growing to include presenting the vulnerable aspects, in the comments and the posts. So that mosaic of our true experience is less pixel-y as our collective truth enhances it. Just keep scrolling!
August 19, 2010 10:09 am
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I don’t even know if it’s that we’re selective about how we present ourselves, but that we can never present ourselves in totality in one post. I’ll write a post about how great, say, our anniversary is, but I might write another post about the bad parts of the SAME anniversary. But I get to do that, because I have unlimited room to write on this site ;) But other people can’t write seven billion posts with seven billion perspectives on one subject, so I think we just always have to remember they are presenting one *facet* of their experience and selves.
August 19, 2010 11:06 am
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yep, when I was writing my grad post I realized I had to filter myself and probably everyone else has to also – because there’s just too darn much to write about for one post. I ended up going for the positive-thinking-gets-you-everywhere message, because that was a big truth for me and I felt like it might be helpful to someone. BUT I could have gone on and on about a ton of other things, anxiety and indecisiveness definitely being one of those, not to mention why my dad didn’t come to the wedding and how I came to terms with it – etc. Honestly the state of mind I was in when I wrote the grad post was post-wedding-euphoria and maybe if I had waited and wrote it now, it would have been totally different.
anyway loved your point here Erin, I agree this site is maturing all the time and becoming more to more people.
August 19, 2010 11:29 am
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Mmm. Maybe not selective in a secretive way, but selective in a good-storytelling way. Cuz I COULD elaborate every side of my story in my comments, but I’d lose the plot pretty fast. The answer to someone’s question is not likely to be my husband’s anti-gelato campaign, even though it could be the negative fact that balances my otherwise-balloons-and-puppies story.
But basically I agree with what you said :) Especially about the remembering that what we read is just part of the whole.
August 19, 2010 11:30 am
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oh. my. goodness erin. You crack me up! Because my husband and I are one of those gelato eating couples in Chicago with lots of fantastic restaurants around the corner….. BUT then on the flip side of the coin I’m all like, “darn those people in the suburbs and small cities with big houses and more than two closets for storage – that don’t have to walk down 3 flights of stairs to take their dog out to poop and then have to pick it up and walk all the way down the street to a trash bin! and people who have grills & outdoor space to enjoy! gah! this city drives me crazy and now they’re raising our rent for this same POS apartment?! …. and a parking ticket, again?!”
haha… I think we portray positive things online sometimes because it helps us to stay positive when really there are obviously lots-o-negative aspects as well we are trying distract ourselves from. There are always two sides to the same situation! :) I don’t believe that anyone is 100% happy about every single aspect of their life… right? I hope not anyway – or I’ll feel like crap! lol. jk. (kind of…)
August 19, 2010 4:06 pm
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but i agree with mel. that wasn’t the intent of the posters. and meg, i don’t think that this website has just one set of views. i mean, i’ve been reading here for months and that would be silly to suggest. there is that mosaic of truth here, certainly.
the point i was trying to make was just that those words and photos of the joyous wedding moments can provide an unexpected jolt and kick off some anxiety. and it’s not to say that those people had this nirvana like experience of joy, but it’s what I project onto that. and [illogically] compare against.
and i’m aware it’s my illogical projections so i do step back when this hits. put the brain on No Wedding Thoughts at ALL mode. and then i have a beer and watch the jersey shore and relax until i can peek back on here and see that Good God of the Internet, here is a post that i needed.
August 19, 2010 10:18 am
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A) Your truth is your truth and having a place to speak your truth is rad.
Yes! Love this post, love this statement, love APW.
August 19, 2010 5:03 pm
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i don’t have any anxiety disorders. so i may be coming from a different perspective- definitely not one of disagreement. but one of… wanting to be sure there is balance.
because i’m what some would call “analytucal” or “introspective.” i don’t know that i would say i worry about things… but i’m pregnant. and sometimes i wonder how life will change when a baby comes and if it will be better. i’m married. sometimes i wonder if josh will someday cheat on me and what we will do to bounce back. i think about things. which i realize is different than becoming overwhelmingly anxious over them. but sometimes the one leads to the other, doesn’t it?
but.
the 110% faith thing sits awkwardly with me. i want to be sure i understand the intended meaning, and maybe i dont.
faith is only valuable if it’s in the correct basis. i don’t have faith that “love will find a way” or “conquer all” or “carry us through.” i’ve put faith in some crappy men at times. and in myself, for crappy reasons. i had faith that although he hit me and called me a c*nt, if i should loved him it would be enough.
my faith with josh is very differently placed. i have faith in what i know about him- in the tangible ways in which he expresses his love (not in giving me roses, maybe, but in letting me take the first shower so i get the hotter water).
faith must always be rooted in logic or fact or tangibility or results. and these things are never certain. but it does serve as a much more solid foundation. it’s not logical or sensible to have faith that things will work with the afforementioned abusive boyfriend. it is logical for me to look at what i’ve been through with josh, and then place faith in the fact that he and i will be able to continue to love, grow, change, work together to build something worthwhile. i’m certain of it only because of my faith.
and by certain, i don’t mean doubt-free. but when those doubts come up, i can squelch them succinctly. with my faith. and that gives me certainty.
what i really loved about this post was the continued self-awareness. she compared herself to other brides, but was fully aware that her thought process and decision making skills and doubting would be different. and it is for each of us, disorders or no.
August 19, 2010 7:31 am
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typos abound.
did i mention i’m caffeine-free lately?
August 19, 2010 7:37 am
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The faith that I rely on is really tricky. It’s faith in him, faith in myself, faith in us. But as you said, that can be so damn tricky, when you have misplaced it somehow and are turned around. But I have faith in our self-awareness, faith in my courage to question and to grow, faith in our friendship and our strength together.
The faith isn’t just faith, to me– it’s where other people describe certainty, something that is terrifying to me, I describe Hope and Faith. I have 110% Courage, Gumption, Determination. I can’t have certainty because of who I am, but in its place I put Faith in myself and Faith in him, and in us. It’s a feeling and strength that is a little squishy to describe, but it gives me the courage to go through with a marriage when my anxiety does so much to undermine it.
And you describe it really well: faith in the fact that he and i will be able to continue to love, grow, change, work together to build something worthwhile. Your faith gives you certainty. To me, faith gives me…. faith. And that’s enough. <3
August 19, 2010 8:01 am
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“I have 110% Courage, Gumption, Determination.” = HELL yes. This is what having relationship faith means to me, too. The hoping, believing part, in *combination* with the “yes, I will work my ASS off for this relationship, because it’s worth it”, part. Both, at once.
August 19, 2010 4:23 pm
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“i have faith in what i know about him- in the tangible ways in which he expresses his love…and by certain, i don’t mean doubt-free. but when those doubts come up, i can squelch them succinctly. with my faith. and that gives me certainty.” ~ You
This is what I took our anonymous contributor to mean by faith, although maybe I’m just projecting.
Also, just a note on what faith means to people with high anxiety (like yours truly – Hello, cold feet!). It’s not blind faith. It’s the exhausting task of comparing reality to your own chaotic interpretation of reality. It’s faith in the process of self-awareness and the commitment to growth. So I actually think that Sarah up above and the writer of this post are on your same wavelength here.
August 19, 2010 8:35 am
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A thousand times “exactly” to everything you all said about faith. It’s not blind faith at all. It’s faith earned over years of learning to trust one another, learning that your relationship is a solid foundation you can depend on, realizing that you will always have something else to worry about but they will always be there to support you – those things might build certainty in others but in me, they lay the foundation for faith: the knowledge of our experiences and the belief in our “courage, gumption and determination.”
Certainty is not worth as much in an anxious mind as faith. Anxiety trumps certainty, because it makes you doubt everything, most especially your own feelings, and certainty is really just a feeling. But faith doesn’t require you to rely on your own feelings quite as much, faith allows for wiggle room where you realize that day-to-day, moment-to-moment your feelings will change. It reminds you to lean on your experience as a reminder that it’s going to be ok.
August 19, 2010 9:50 am
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For me 110% faith also means cultivating a sense of “not knowing.” And being okay with “not knowing.” I will *never* have all the answers, I cannot control what happens in the future AND I still want to jump off into the great mysterious unknown with this person. I think it also means feeling confident that whatever happens we can handle it – together and individually. Letting go and giving into the question mark of it all is one of the toughest things for us overthinker/anxiety-prone/controlling/perfectionist types (know I just lumped a whole range of folks in there but think most of us are under the same umbrella). So no, I don’t it’s not about magical thinking or blind faith per se, but realizing that for some of us “knowing” is well…hard to wrap our brains around! Faith gives me a much better framework for understanding things and putting them into perspective.
August 19, 2010 11:13 am
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kim, kris, nina, sarah… totally totally.
i guess i hear “faith” and immediately get this panicky fear that some poor soul out there is going to equate that with just sort of shrugging and hoping things work out. what you guys describe is just what i think it needs to be- and probably what the post-er intended, too.
internet semantics.
August 19, 2010 11:18 am
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Congrats on the baby-on-the-way!
August 19, 2010 11:27 am
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thank you!! :)
August 19, 2010 11:28 am
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Wow, this is so interesting. It just goes to show you how there is no formula or magic rules for humans and love.
August 19, 2010 1:00 pm
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THANK YOU for this post. I must confess my boy and I got married, and we are happy, but I still have my uncertainties and anxieties and worries. This post SPOKE to me in all sorts of levels. He is so certain of me, too, and I fear if that will go away so I ask him often and try to cheer him up on a daily basis. Then of course I get stressed and then it’s a downward spiral, which leads to the negative cycle of me wondering what he sees in me, anyway. But he sees something, which the song encapsulates (and which I had to download, so thank you for adding to my musical/pop cultural knowledge!), and everyone says I am lucky to have him. So yeah. PERFECT post. Thank you.
On a note for you- the fact that you are writing about this makes me believe that you do care. If you didn’t, this post would never have come into being. So believe in the both of you, take his hand as he takes yours in your life-journey together; it won’t always be smooth sailing, but keep that hand open, and you’ll be ok. :) I wish you both all the best.
August 19, 2010 7:39 am
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I could have written every word of this. EVERY WORD. And I’m crying at my desk. Thank you, anonymous writer, THANK YOU.
I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, too (with a side-order of mild depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder, hooray!), and my brain works just like yours. I’m HORRIBLE at making decisions. I’ve been dating my fiancé since high school, which makes me wonder if I’ve been dating him for so long simply to avoid making a choice about our relationship (unnerving, huh?).
Your quote from your therapist is when I started tearing up. “YOU will never ‘know.’ Not with this man or another. You’ll have to choose whether this person is the one with whom you want to face the challenge of anxiety.” God, YES. Stand on top of my desk and scream to the rooftops, YES , YES, YES! And that’s what we live with, every day— a choice. We choose our lives, choose our paths, choose our partners. It’s hard, living with this kind of anxiety, but we do the best we can do, every day.
I’ve moved past calling my fiancé a “saint”; we now crack jokes that he’s an angel. That somehow, out there, God was watching, saw what I needed, and she sent him to me. We literally crack jokes about it, both of us laughing, but some part of me whispers, “Yes. My guardian angel.” He lifts me up, supports me, holds me when I cry, and helps me be the strongest person I can be. It was high school when he helped me first go to a therapist for my struggle with anxiety, and he’s helped me ever since. Even in my darkest moments of fear and worry about our relationship, there is part of me that knows I would not be the person I am today without him. I love the way you put it: “…his radiance still makes my heart fluttery, and sleeping next to him is the truest sanctuary I’ve found.”
And in that sanctuary, I find courage, and strength, and hope. When we are together, I give myself over to the power of Us, and my heart swells with 110% Faith.
Thanks, Meg, for sharing this with us, and thank you, Anonymous, for being brave enough to write this. *love*
August 19, 2010 7:53 am
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beautiful….
August 19, 2010 8:06 am
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Thank you for having the courage to write this. I’ve pondered writing to APW for a year now about my engagement experience–but I’ve hesitated to ask my husband for permission. Because he was the anxious one during our engagement (though I’ve been in those dark places and totally get it). It was a really hard time for me.
His issues are linked to Seasonal Affective Disorder, so the timeline matters here–we were engaged in late October, just before the time changes. And he was over the moon thrilled, and wanted a wedding as soon as possible. But a month later, as the light faded, he was starting to worry–and soon enough, he was thinking about postponing the wedding and not wanting to make binding reservations and give people checks. I was able to not take this too personally, because m for five years and had watched how hard it was for him to sign even an apartment lease–why should I expect him to find this easy?
It sounds from the post like this woman’s family and community know about her struggles–I applaud her for that, and imagine that that would have made the engagement period easier for me. The hardest part was not dealing with his doubts, but trying hard to figure out how to communicate with friends and family about what was going on. When it wass three months before the wedding, and my mom was freaking out that he hasn’t booked the musical group yet, I didn’t want to say, “Actually, it’s because he’s not even sure that he wants to marry me, and doesn’t want to put money down on it, and I’d rather just find that every group is booked at this late date and we’ll just use CDs rather than push him any harder on this right now.” It was a bit frightening for me, and the bits of isolation and deception that I felt obliged to engage in made it all the harder.
And then we hit spring, and the medication I forced him to start taking kicked it (and the two of us will never be able to agree on which of these two made the real difference), and the clouds lifted he was was back to the joyous person who had asked me to marry him (but still not thrilled about the to-do list and the burden of selecting a honeymoon location). Our wedding was joyous and wonderful, and fourteen months in, we are still so glad that we are facing the world together, as one.
He seemed better this winter than he has for years–perhaps marriage suits him. And no one is more relieved than I am. Because I still have my own dark moments when I am scared that I forced his hand, that I drove us to this point, and didn’t give him a free choice.
Perhaps I should mention–the only reason he proposed at all was because I finally ended things after five years. If he couldn’t decide to marry me, then parhaps he knew I wasn’t right. This wasn’t a ploy for a ring–I needed to move on with my life, and if he wasn’t sure he wanted to be a part of that life, then I needed to go it alone. That was why I left. And a month later he was back with a ring. So that was hanging over me as well during those dark days of winter.
Not the beautiful engagement story you want to tell your kids, is it? But we’re human, and we’re imperfect, and it’s how we got here. And we’re glad we’re here. And I guess that’s what really matters.
August 19, 2010 8:08 am
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I don’t know. I think it is a beautiful story to tell your kids. Maybe not a Disney story, but beauty and love can both be hard and harried and tough to swallow. I’m from the Midwest, though, so I tend to value things more when a lot of blood, sweat and tears went into them. Disney or not…it’s your love story. You should totally tell your kids.
For what it’s worth, my parents’ story has some less than gorgeous elements. My Grandma even threatened to wear black to their wedding. Heh heh. I’m glad they told me…and they can laugh about it now, because they’ve been married so long and they love each other so much. Calling a spade a spade can be very beautiful. And also very useful!
Best wishes to you and your man! (I get married in just over 2 weeks! I was feeling hurt by my fiancee’s brusqueness a couple days ago. It seems, he can only call a spade a spade – even when, maybe he could not call it anything at all to spare feelings. I’m not engaged to this man for his flattery, that’s for sure. Reading and responding to your comment makes me realize that that’s one of things I like best about him. He is artless. And truer than anyone I’ve ever known.)
August 19, 2010 8:38 am
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Am I the only one who wishes more people would tell us the nitty-gritty stories and less of the “happiest day of my life” stuff? I mean, you only seem to hear the nitty-gritty when marriages don’t last and never when they do.
My mother-in-law told her husband (of over 40 years!) when they got married that the best she could promise him was 5 years. He told her that he was there forever and if she couldn’t promise the same that he didn’t think he could go through with it all. Like father, like son.
August 19, 2010 1:20 pm
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You are not the only one. Nitty gritty is my favorite! But I come from a long line of morbid farm women who are extremely practical and, at the same time, also strangely romantic. Listening to my mom and my grandma visit until two a.m. weekend after weekend at the kitchen table taught me my first lessons about life and love. My mom’s family, poorer than my father’s, always had the most interesting drama. Drugs and jail, etc. Heh heh. Nitty. Gritty. Yet, heartwarming. Ah, sweet contradiction! So, yeah. I guess it’s that juxtaposition that I really love.
August 20, 2010 10:12 am
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“I mean, you only seem to hear the nitty-gritty when marriages don’t last and never when they do.”
@kristieb – This. This this this. I think it comes from a human need to put people and circumstances into neat boxes. It’s an orderly thing. Kind of like Steve Jobs said about connecting dots-you can’t connect them going forward, you can only connect them looking backward. Like the American Idol thing of the parents saying, “oh, she sang all the time as a baby, so it’s no surprise she’s a singer now!” Yeah, so did I. And I’m not a singer now, by any standard. So when people say things like, “Oh, we should have known the marriage wouldn’t last, his mother was crying tears of sorrow on their wedding day, it was a sign”-this is along the same line of incorrect thinking. Guess what? My parents just celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary, and they’ve had their challenges, but they are as happily together as a couple can be, and his mother cried like she was at a damn *funeral* on their wedding day. Correlation, not causation, folks.
Also, this post describes my life. For all of us out there with anxiety disorders, I give the author the world’s largest and most sincere “Thank you.”
August 24, 2010 7:35 am
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Beautiful. Honest. And, I understand where you are coming from.
This post rings so true for me right now. My family has a long list of mental illness in it and I’ve been thinking that I might really need some therapy. That everything happening to me right now is not normal and just stress.
There is the me that goes to work, is polite and says things like “I am soooo effing happy to be married.” That is the me that everyone else sees everyday. Than there is the me who for the months leading up to the wedding and the months after has been a puddle of tears, curled up on the bathroom floor wondering if she has made the very worst decision of her life (because she is the world’s worst decision maker) and if everything that comes out of her mouth is all lies.
August 19, 2010 8:17 am
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Therapy is awesome.
It can especially help those of us who are competing for the “world’s worst decision maker” title.
Really, therapy is good, and probably everyone could benefit from it at some point. I wish it had less of a stigma, because we don’t expect people to just fix issues in other major organs by themselves, why should the brain be different?
August 19, 2010 8:33 am
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FOR SERIOUS.
August 19, 2010 8:40 am
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Oh, I’ve been on and off in therapy my whole life. I would say 80% of the time I handle things quite well on my own.
But, I’m not on my own anymore. Someone seriously needs to slap that into me. Like the anonymous poster – I have the world’s most supportive and loving partner.
August 19, 2010 1:17 pm
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I just wanted to join the “Therapy Rules!” parade. Also, getting married is a really big deal. Why not have a disinterested and qualified third party counsel you (and your finance, too!) through it? That can’t hurt.
Personally, I’m not often down with institutional religion, but that whole pre-marriage counseling tradition is, I think, the best idea ever.
August 20, 2010 9:55 am
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“My criticisms of him are a mere fraction of my self-criticism.”
This part stood out to me as I am a perfectionist. I never really thought about this in the perspective of anxiety, but I think this was definitely going on with me as I planned my wedding last year. I had always thought of myself as a decisive person, but in the past few years I’ve realized that I just can’t make a decision sometimes. I was living across the country from where the wedding was to be held with no wedding planner to help, and both of us were in school. I had so much inspiration, but very little time and practicality for what was possible. Thus, when I look back at our wedding, I still have indecision about the stupid things I obsessed about. It was a fantastic wedding, but I wish I could truly let it go or at the very least not feel stressed/embarrassed for things not matching my internal picture.
Both of our families have anxiety and we know that we both have it on some level. It might be time for me to explore this a bit more. Thank you for your generous post and opening my eyes to this a bit more!
August 19, 2010 8:58 am
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I’ve got some anxiety stuff of my own (and the wonderful IBS that comes with it!), and it is definitely a challenge to deal with it at times when you’re “supposed to be blissfully happy!” Um, hi, I am dedicating the rest of my life to someone, while planning a wedding, while dealing with the stresses of the family drama surrounding the wedding, while maintaining my regular life – whoever can remain blissfully happy during this time is nuts.
Thanks for sharing with us.
August 19, 2010 9:02 am
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Okay, so I’ve been lurking on here for months but *this* is the post that finally made me want to reply. Sorry if this gets long but thank you so much for your brave honesty and openness! It’s funny, I never would have described myself as someone with anxiety issues but I definitely have some of the symptoms. I’m an overthinker who worries too much and gets stuck in my head. My therapist calls it being too “cognitive.” When I start sliding down into that paralysis by analysis wormhole I’m reminded of something that she once said: that I’m “asking questions that can’t be answered.” Questions like is my guy the “one,” what will our future look like, should we get married, are we doomed?!?!
Those questions are just too big for my brain. Because there is NO logical answer that will ever be enough to satisfy me and my overactive noggin. All I have to go on is my LIVED EXPERIENCE. I think that’s what the 110% faith is about. Faith in what your heart knows to be true and what your body and senses have actually felt – because for us anxious overthinker types, our brain is constantly trying to fake us out and make us question ourselves and our decisions so our thoughts will never be enough to rely on.
It feels weirdly liberating to finally come out about the ambivalence and anxiety I’ve had around my relationship. I spent a lot of time over the years freaking out and worrying that something was wrong with me (and us) just because I ever had any doubts at all. Like I was the world’s worst partner because I was still seeking some kind of certainty and duh…aren’t you supposed to just “know” by now?!?! The thing is I’ve felt loved, happy, supported, and often unspeakable overwhelming bliss with my boo, but was there something else that was supposed to have “clicked” for me by now?
But then a funny thing happened recently as we started to prepare for a move together…I finally realized that all that time I’d had those tiny bubbling worries in the back of my head, a loving relationship had been unfolding all along. A loving relationship with trust, communication, desire, laughter, commitment, deep emotional intimacy and a whole lot of hard work. It was there and growing the whole time, just submerged under a lot of fear and some old behaviors that didn’t serve either of us anymore. What’s the saying? Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans? Well, for us it’s like a loving relationship is what happens when you’re busy being anxious about your relationship.
Now I realize that admitting I’ve been scared in the past, had complicated feelings, had anxiety and ambivalence doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human. A particularly overthinky anxious human, but a human nonetheless. Now I also have the tools to be able to have those thoughts and feelings and know I get to choose what to with them (another bon mot I picked up, this time from my meditation group cuz omg meditation totally helps quiet my overactive mind: “you don’t have to believe everything you think”). I think learning to move out of my head and into my heart is an ongoing journey I’ll probably be on forever. But now I’m actually confident about having my partner at my side during that process even if my brain can’t come up with a logical explanation for any of it.
August 19, 2010 9:12 am
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“I finally realized that all that time I’d had those tiny bubbling worries in the back of my head, a loving relationship had been unfolding all along.”
Your story rings so incredibly true for me. I too spent so many years worrying, all the while I was in a beautiful relationship and couldn’t exactly understand why I was worrying. Everyone talks about “intuition” and you’re just supposed to “know when it’s right” – well I didn’t know so it must be wrong. But eventually the worries just ran out of steam, squashed by the overwhelming evidence that this is a wonderful relationship. The doubts (for the most part, like said above, we anxious people should strive for 80-100%) were gone and left behind was a wonderful relationship and my faith.
August 19, 2010 10:13 am
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You say you spent years worrying; mind if I ask how many? I am in a similar boat, but sometimes feel like those worries have gone on so long, that they must be “true.” How long for you before they were squashed, and what do you think triggered it?
September 27, 2010 7:11 pm
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“you don’t have to believe everything you think”
i LOVE this.
August 19, 2010 10:44 am
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Wonderful posts from both the writer and Kris! I definitely found myself relating to the questions of anxiety surrounding marriage/partnership (anything which places us teetering on the precipice of the Traditional Domestic Life, whatever that might entail), even though I haven’t been diagnosed with a disorder.
Actually, I think many of the points the writer raises are incredibly normal, especially for someone who is prepared to honestly and critically engage with a decision as complex as marriage. Personally, I’m trying to learn not to beat myself up for “over-thinking” or “over-analyzing”; because I don’t think it’s a problem of excess or neuroses. I think it’s a process that anyone who really wants to think about what partnership will mean for them will enter into, even though at the end of it we’ll still come up with a number of unknowns. Maybe what we think of as “worrying” is actually just being realistic. I remember talking about marriage and anxiety with my Mom, who had a whirlwind engagement with my Dad (a proposal after three weeks!), but they’ve been happily married for more than 30 years. I asked her if, when she got engaged, did she ever think there was a possibility it might not work out? Her response was “Oh, of course!” And I knew that it wasn’t because of my Dad, or any doubts about him as a person, but because we can never be certain about what life will do to us or how it will change us.
That’s what I love so much about the honesty in this post — because I feel like when a lot of married/engaged women say “Oh, I just knew, 100%” it’s not even the marriage they’re proclaiming total certainty about, it’s life in general (because how can the two be separate?). Maybe that’s one aspect of the whole wedding circus industry that makes “overthinky” (or just really smart) women so uncomfortable: it often puts us in a position where we declare total certainty over the rest of our lives (down to the last table place setting) — and who wouldn’t be anxious about doing something as impossible as that? Kudos to this post for letting us keep thinking our way out of and into tough questions!
August 19, 2010 1:18 pm
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I also manage anxiety and depression that goes from dormant to mild/moderate depending. I just wanted to say that 110% faith is my new life mantra. For everything. From major decisions down to deciding which head of lettuce to buy at the store.
Thank you for sharing this highly personal aspect of your life! It’s a very calming message.
August 19, 2010 9:28 am
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Thank you so much for this post. I’m another anxiety sufferer and you really crystallized how that comes into play when getting married. Also, that Velvet Underground song has long been one of my favorites. My fiance knows that I love it and think it is the most romantic song ever, so sometimes when I’m having a bad spell he’ll try to sing it to me. But he doesn’t remember any of the words, so he sings something like, “I’m your mirror person/you are awesome and you can tell because I am awesome too/Mirror people!/I love you!”
August 19, 2010 9:31 am
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That is too cute.
August 19, 2010 10:12 am
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Just have to say – he is seriously awesome.
August 19, 2010 10:16 am
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That is the cutest and most awesome thing I have heard! Your fiance is incredible.
August 19, 2010 10:36 am
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LOVE this.
August 19, 2010 11:09 am
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Jumping on the bandwagon to say Oh My Goodness that is soo adorable!!! Yay for singing partners who care!
August 19, 2010 3:58 pm
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This is too sweet! And it’s making me giggle because I’m imagining some kind of ‘jazz hands’ flourish as he sings ‘Mirror People!’
August 19, 2010 8:27 pm
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Thanks to the author for so eloquently writing on this matter, as it has been something that I, a not very anxious person has been bothered about while going through all the wedding blogs and literature. Wedding-wise, every other real wedding post or story has the bride talking about the perfection and certainty of their love, and how they knew from day one that it was forever. After a while, it is difficult not to wonder if something was wrong with me or with my relationship that I didn’t have the same experience, even if I am in love and want to marry the man that I am in love with. But then, I have to think of where I am coming from. I have parents that have been married for over 35 years, and I can say, FOR CERTAIN, that while their love was consistently steady, it wasn’t always certain, and it certainly wasn’t perfect. However, their commitment to each other was never in doubt, even on some pretty dark days. I love my fiance. We have started our life together and our wedding is the declaration of our commitment to that life, but my psychic abilities have never kicked in to let me KNOW that everything will be all roses, or there is no better decision that I could possibly make. I fervently BELIEVE that marrying this man is the greatest thing I could do for my happiness. I fervently BELIEVE we are going to have some kick-ass kids. Most importantly, I fervently BELIEVE we have the love and fortitude to stick it out. I often tell him that we are “in it to win it”, and I believe that will hold true, even on the days when the romance is runs thin. So, when I read the “110% FAITH” on the post today, I let out a huge sigh of relief. Once again, APW to the rescue to make me feel decidedly less crazy that I am not creating just a rosy picture of my future marriage. It even makes me a little glad that I don’t do that. For me, I feel that sugar coating this serious commitment is doing a big disrespect to the complexity of marriage, of my partner, of myself, and of life.
Again, thank you for sharing, and thanks to all the thoughtful brides who come to APW with more than “happily ever after” and a fairy tale princess wedding day on their minds.
August 19, 2010 9:37 am
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“FOR CERTAIN, that while their love was consistently steady, it wasn’t always certain, and it certainly wasn’t perfect”
THIS.
August 23, 2010 2:33 pm
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What an incredibly honest, poignant post. I, too, experienced some serious eye-welling. Dear anonymous, thank you for writing this. I believe it is something we all experience to some degree (at least the projection of our own uncertainties onto those we love) and it’s good to be reminded of the rewards for sticking through it. Love.
August 19, 2010 10:13 am
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This post and all the comments following it have reached so deep into my brain I’m sitting here a little shell shocked. I should really be working but I can’t focus. I think most of what I wanted to say has been said by others above so eloquently that I won’t try to rephrase it. But I will say that when we started to think about what to engrave in our rings one word popped into my head immediately and persistently, and that word was faith. Because that is what allowed me to finally take the step to marry. And I know when my anxiety takes over, faith is what I’ll lean on to get me through. So thank you to the anonymous writer for your incredibly eloquent and beautiful words, and thank you to everyone who commented as well. This honesty and bravery right here is what makes APW what it is.
August 19, 2010 10:27 am
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I have never read a post on APW truer to my current state of heart and mind.
Thank you.
August 19, 2010 10:38 am
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Thanks for posting this. I have a similiar mind and this helped me immensely.
August 19, 2010 10:42 am
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you – for sharing. I’m absolutely blubbering all over my keyboard after reading all this and cannot compose myself to say more than thank you. But oh, how this post today has affected me. In a good way, but also in that “OMG – I’m not alone” way.
Must run for Kleenex now… but thankyousoverymuch for sharing your words and BIG BIG hugs to you.
August 19, 2010 10:44 am
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p.s. “not alone” with the anxiety / doubts stuff. I am married, coming up on one year anniversary and lately, life has been throwing one curve ball after another and I’m just worked up and stressed out and freaking out.
August 19, 2010 10:45 am
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This post had me in tears. Not the little tears that happen when you’re a little sad or a little happy, but the tears that happen when something hits you so hard that you are so overwhelmed with emotion that you can hardly breathe. Thank you so, so much for being so honest, so eloquent, and so brave to share this.
I, too, have been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. The relationship I’m currently in is the longest relationship I’ve had, and the marriage thought has crept into both of our minds more than once. He hasn’t proposed yet, although he expresses a wish to, but that makes me think that he doesn’t really want to be with me. I have those moments where I think “Why is he with me? He could find someone much prettier/saner/funnier/smarter/insert positive adjective here”.
“But the fact is, before I met my man, I had neither the insight nor the incentive to confront my mind and change my behaviors. The coping mechanisms that had worked (albeit disfunctionally) when I was solo no longer work with and for my companion. I want him to be happy, and miraculously, I finally find it imperative to be happy myself, to strive for it and to learn new ways of thinking and living.”
This rang true for me so, so very much. A few years ago I went to therapy through my college, but when I switched schools that therapy was no longer free and available to me. My therapist at that time was helping me deal with my coping mechanisms, trying to help me change and confront myself. Now, I have my first session with a new therapist tomorrow, for the reasons you stated.
This comment is really all over the place, but I really felt like I needed to say something. Thank you again for this post. From my own response and from reading others’ responses, I can see that it’s really hit home for a lot of us.
August 19, 2010 10:45 am
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Amazing. Thank you. Very well said.
August 19, 2010 10:47 am
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Thank you! So beautifully put. So many good points. I think, even without an anxiety disorder, many of us can completely relate to these experiences. Thanks to anonymous for sharing. Like Meg said, it helps when you say it out loud!
August 19, 2010 10:48 am
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I remember at the end of high school, before I had ever had any serious relationship, watching a couple friends get engaged with little evidence that they cared for each other in a way that would last (given, that was my view as an outsider). And I remember saying to another friend, “I’m never going to get married unless I am absolutely positive that this is the person for me and that it is going to work. If I’m not 100% sure, what’s the point?” HAH! Um, yeah. Obviously, I had a lot to learn. Not that I’m married or engaged now, but I’m in a relationship where I am 110% sure I love my partner and he loves me, but the certainty that we would make it in marriage is not completely apparent for me or him. Even the faith is a little patchy, but what remains is that I’m on the fence about our potential marriage (leaning ever so slightly towards marriage’s yard) and laughing at my 17-year-old self’s statement, said with such utter confidence and belief that something as tangled and emotionally charged as making the decision to get married would be so cut and dry.
That said, I know that many people do have that certainty, but you know what’s funny? Being that certain in my relationship just wouldn’t make sense. It just doesn’t fit with how we are and the fact that we have, I suppose, pulled through the last two years on a lot of faith.
Just musing here, really. And what all of this comes out to say is, this was an awesome post and such an important issue to discuss, and I think that’s apparent by the response to it! So thanks for your bravery and beautiful writing.
August 19, 2010 11:18 am
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At first I felt sad and ok a little defensive on APW’s behalf that posts/comments have inspired anxiety, but then I realize I’ve felt the same reaction sometimes! Maybe to a lesser extent but still I have to admit sometimes posts or comments have made me freak out a tiny bit about my own life/relationship/etc. And of course I’ve never thought it was the intent of anyone here to make me feel crazy, it’s just the nature of anxiety. I’m so glad it’s been brought more to the surface so we can talk about it, because I was really not even acknowledging this reaction in myself. I know when I have anxiety or self-doubt I feel too crazy to talk to friends or family about it, like they’ll hear that I have doubts and think the whole relationship [or insert thing making me anxious] is doomed, or that I am somehow less. So often I project an image of calm/cool/collected, it’s tough to admit when I’m feeling anxious, because I don’t want to lose my cred you know? pretty silly.
reading this post and these comments today has been very cathartic. thank you!
August 19, 2010 12:27 pm
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dude. yes. what you said.
today = catharsis.
August 19, 2010 12:52 pm
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For me, one of the biggest truths I’ve learned (or re-learned) from this community is that when you speak openly and honestly about what you’re going through, people will be there to support you. Someone will empathize, and others will generally be supportive even when they don’t share that experience.
How beautiful is it that (assuming Meg hasn’t deleted a ton of posts) most of the responses have been full of support? That’s really what this place is about for me. It’s not about establishing some kind of criteria for relationships, proposals, engagements, weddings, marriages, etc, as if we could all follow a formula and have perfect lives. It’s about finding our way through these things and having a few hands to hold in the process.
August 19, 2010 1:24 pm
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i don’t think she ever really does delete a lot of comments. :) this place is just generally accepting of differences of opinion and embracing of others experiences. which is ridiculously fabulous.
August 19, 2010 2:24 pm
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I have not deleted a single comment, actually.
Besides, Liz is right, I rarely delate very many (and if I do, it’s because I took down one horrible one, so I had to take down the 20 people who were like, “That’s really not acceptable language here. Please be less judgmental.” People by and large have self selected by now, they know you gotta be kind here, so guess what? Lots of kind people! Yay!
August 19, 2010 4:22 pm
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Even better! The comments really reflect this community, and it is clearly one of support and encouragement 98% of the time. Meg, I think you’ve done a wonderful job of promoting positive community here.
August 19, 2010 6:40 pm
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A beautiful and deeply relevant post.
Both my fiance and best friend battle anxiety, sometimes of the crippling variety. My dear friend currently deals with anxiety and PTSD post brain-surgery (she had a massive brain tumor) and has actively sought various treatments to deal with it all. She has had great success with a process called neurofeedback, a treatment I HIGHLY recommend to anyone dealing with major anxiety issues. It is a natural and non-invasive procedure that has re-trained her brain to deal with anxiety-inducing situations.
My fiance, on the other hand, was dealt a pretty bad hand as a child (abusive household) and shows his scars the most through anxious, indecisive behavior. Like a lot of men, he has disdain for therapy, which is quite unfortunate and frustrating for me. Though we are planning our wedding with great happiness, his anxiety about things like speaking publicly or being in crowds of people are causing some major fights lately. Cold feet are thankfully non-existent, but the problems he has have impeded some of our plans and have made this whole process a bit more difficult. “For better or for worse”, I remind myself, as I love with dearly and have for 8 years.
August 19, 2010 1:43 pm
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Thank goodness. I feel AMAZING knowing that someone else out there feels like doubt is just a part of how their mind works. Call it anxious, call it over-analytical, call it whatever- I have, as the author explains felt like one of those people who will forever be handicapped by wondering “what if.” “What if I don’t get married and I move to India and live on an ashram instead?” “What if I meet someone else?” “What if I fall out of Love?” “What if the world ends tomorrow?”
All I can try focus on, all I will ever be able to try to focus on is being happy right here, right now. And I know that right now, right here, and for the past 5 years my fiance has made me happier than I can ever imagine. And hell, what if he continues to make me this happy for the rest of my life?
August 19, 2010 1:44 pm
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Thanks Meg for deciding to share this.
Thanks Anon for writing this so wonderfully.
I think everyone has doubts. Mine are manifesting in a complete lack of excitement (most of the time) at the fact I am marrying this wonderful man in 11 weeks.
I put this down to other stress cramming my brain (I’m unemployed at the moment), along with my constant worry that perhaps we are only planning to do things like start a family and buy a house because thats whats expected of us, and is what he wants, but is it what I really want??
But I dont know what I want well enough to detail it and therefore stand up for it, so I am holding on to faith that THIS is the man I want to be with. If he knows what he wants to do with his life and I am still unsure what I want (other than to be with him), then his life plan will do for now.
But yes, I worry that I will get 10 years down the track and regret making these decisions. I worry I will resent having kids, not moving cities to complete my second degree… (but I re-read Revolutionary Road last week, and realised that resenting things will just make people miserable, and I have to consciously CHOOSE these things, stick to them and make the best of them from here on in)
Oops. Much longer comment than I planned… :)
August 19, 2010 2:01 pm
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Anonymous, I don’t tend to suffer with anxiety or indecision (and I’m truly grateful). Even though I don’t understand, my empathy made my heart expand today. Thank you.
On the other side of things, your post was beautifully written. You have such a clear voice.
August 19, 2010 3:58 pm
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I want to show this post to everyone I’ve ever met who doesn’t understand how anxiety disorder works and how it can flip you upside down even in a gloriously happy time like engagement.
Dearest Anon, your words have given me so much perspective today. I was occasionally so panic-stricken leading up to the wedding that I would lie awake all night, thoughts racing (yes, me, the woman who wrote that “choosing love” post!)… the wedding was amazing and everything I could’ve hoped for, and the marriage so far has been even better. And yet, here I am, not two weeks later, panicked over the knowledge that we’ve just moved across the country and I’m starting this new grad program and I STILL don’t understand how my fellowship gets disbursed or how my tuition gets waived and oh my God we are going to DIE out in this godforsaken land of no sweet tea. (To my fellow Bay Area people, I don’t really think your city is godforsaken. I’m just very very homesick right now.) Meanwhile, Jason reminds me that even though I *feel* like we’ve just made a giant mistake (in moving, not in marriage), that doesn’t have to be our truth if we don’t make it so. This post reminded me of the same thing.
Anyhow, what I mean to say is that anxiety is such an insidious thing and it’s about so much more than the events in our lives, and I’m glad that Anon here has a partner who supports and understands her and is not afraid of her anxiety. Because the events come and go, but love like that will ground you and lift you up and hold you in the midst of them.
August 19, 2010 4:04 pm
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Thank you for posting this. It really hit home for me as I am going through a very stressful time and beginning to plan my wedding on top of it. I know that I spend much too much time worrying about how I “should” feel, specifically the excitement I don’t seem to have time to feel over moving in with my fiance and really starting our life together. As women and especially as brides we are fed so much B.S. about the level of joy and excitement we should be experiencing and to not let on that we may be feeling stressed, anxious or sad. That’s why I am so grateful to have found this virtual community that speaks honestly about weddings and marriage, the good and the not so good. Thank you Meg and thank you friend.
August 19, 2010 4:13 pm
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I’m a long-time lurker and today I am posting my first comment to say thank you to Anonymous and Meg for sharing this post. I only wish I’d read it at home so my whole office didn’t have to see me cry at my desk! :) I am a serious perfectionist with a very anxious mind, so this post and many of the comments have really hit home for me. Ever since we got engaged, my anxiety and self-criticism have gotten worse (so much so that I started seeing a therapist). My fiance and I have been together for 11 years and I thought I was ready to be engaged, but I underestimated how emotional this time would be and I wasn’t at all prepared to deal with the BIGNESS of getting married. It makes me feel better to know that I’m not the only one out there going through some of this stuff though. That’s why I love APW so much. This blog has provided me with so much comfort throughout my wedding planning (less than 3 weeks now!) because it has allowed me to see that I’m not alone. Almost every time I’ve ever felt like, “I must be the only bride who has felt this way,” along comes a post on APW to change that belief. I could go on and on, but a lot of the commenters have already said what I would say (and probably more eloquently than I could say it). I do want to end with a quick shout out to all the APW readers in therapy; it seems like there are quite a few of us here, which I think is amazing in a good way.
August 19, 2010 4:52 pm
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