On our wedding day, after my father gave an uproarious speech, he pulled me aside and told me that there was something else he wanted to say in his speech, but he didn’t think he could include it without being misunderstood.
He told me that if there was one thing he was certain about it was that on that day, our wedding day, the day we’d chosen to stand in front of our friends and family to pledge our love and commitment to each other, that day was the day we’d love each other least for the rest of our marriage.
It took me a minute to puzzle that out, because I was bursting with love and joy that day. But once I understood what he meant, that we’d love each other more tomorrow than today, and more the day after that too, I told him that I hoped that was true.
Josh and I have been dealing with some difficult truths lately, but we are unbelievably fortunate to have each other everyday.
I think back on our wedding day; it was only a year and a half ago, but what my father said is absolutely true. Compared to the love I have for him now, what I felt on our wedding day pales in comparison. I can hardly imagine the love we will share after decades of our life together.
Before we got married we talked about money. We talked about kids. We talked about retirement, savings, vacations, our parents, living wills, final directives, investment philosophies, parenting philosophies, faithfulness, sex, love, chores, our childhoods, holidays, what would happen if one or both of us was seriously injured, our plans for our bodies and our kids and our pets after our deaths, work, weekends, where we want to and are willing to live. We talked about religion, and who would raise our children if something were to happen to us. We even talked about what we might do about raising our children together in the case of divorce.
That might seem like a lot to talk about in the short time that passed between when we met and when we made it official, but I’m a planner. I’m also a worrier with a vivid imagination and a borderline-unhealthy procedural crime drama addiction.
At the time I’d thought our wedding day was the happiest day of my life, but I can’t begin to describe the relief we felt the day after the wedding. When we were married and we never had to do anything like that again. We could just get back to life as we knew it.
For a long time when people asked me “how’s married life” I always gave them my stock answer “’bout the same,” but, after a while I began to realize that wasn’t exactly true. Little things started began seeping in. When we fought, for example, even at our most vitriolic, things never really felt desperate- I knew that this fight wouldn’t be the death knell of our relationship, we’d fight and then afterward we’d still be married.
We’re a pretty boring couple actually, we don’t get out much. We like cooking, drinking wine, playing with the dogs and gardening. We started looking at houses. I never thought I’d be such a cookie-cutter wife, but I wanted a house, and right around the time I turned thirty I started wanting a baby. Fortunately, so did Josh.
Something funny happened when we started trying to get pregnant. I noticed my body wasn’t working right. I’d never really paid attention before, but now it seemed so obvious. I went to the doctor. The diagnosis? I am unable to have children.At first we were floored. We were devastated. We’d talked about adoption before we got married, but we talked about it the same way we’d talked about what to do if one of us gets hit by a bus. Could it happen? Sure, but we’d never entertained the idea that it was a real possibility.
That is, until it was our only possibility.
We took the time to grieve. To be honest, we’re still grieving. I felt both betrayed and a betrayer; betrayed by my body and a betrayer to my husband, to our plan. On my worst day, I offered to walk away, to leave my husband so he could find a new wife, one who could give him the family he deserved. The look on his face told me he’d never even consider it.
It was that day that I really understood our marriage.
Despite our insistence to leave all of that in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, and in joy as well as in sorrow stuff out of our vows it was another one of those things that crept in unnoticed.
I don’t have a heart-warming end to this story yet. We are still on our journey, still suffering and still laughing together. But I feel like the tide has turned, and I think we will have our happy ending yet.
Even if it doesn’t look like what we were expecting.
Photos by Michele Wayman Photography
When we fought, for example, even at our most vitriolic, things never really felt desperate –
This. This describes exactly the calm that has come over our relationship in the last couple of months before our wedding. I no longer fear that he’ll just run away because he’s promised to stay. I hope you are able to figure out an awesome solution to having children.
August 10, 2010 5:20 am
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There is something about those vows that takes the fear out of the fighting and the planning. Maybe it’s because I married someone who doesn’t really worry about anything but now I feel like that planning part is great in theory but it just leads to worry about the unknown. Like your situation. I’ve always been afraid that we couldn’t afford kids or that we won’t know what we’re getting into but, somehow, now that I have my G, I know that it will be okay. We will figure things out together.
Good luck Drea, thanks so much for sharing this.
August 10, 2010 1:33 pm
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Thank you.
August 10, 2010 5:22 am
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my heart goes out to you.
thank you for sharing this. it takes a really brave person to reach out in a time of personal pain. I know that somehow there can be a silver lining for you and your husband because the two of you will find it together.
August 10, 2010 5:28 am
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I remember reading about Drea and Josh’s wedding. I remember looking at these photos and seeing her thigh high’s and thinking WOW! There’s a bride who had a great time.
Just a lovely, heart-warming post. I wish you and Josh all the best, Drea. You’re going to be wonderful parents.
August 10, 2010 5:29 am
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Drea, this was gutsy, magnificent writing and I loved reading it. I have faith that you guys will keep finding happiness together.
All the best with the adoption process. Let us know how it goes.
August 10, 2010 5:31 am
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drea, thanks so much for sharing. your story IS heartwarming, no matter the ending. because these times are the reason we say those vows.
August 10, 2010 6:06 am
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I loved your wedding, I love this post, I love your willingness to share you experiences.
Thank you so much for updating us on your journey/
August 10, 2010 6:16 am
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This got to me, Drea. Two months after we got engaged, I discovered that I most like won’t be able to have kids. I’m hoping that’s only a probably, but still, I spent a long time grieving for the “no problem”. Thank you for sharing your pain and your bravery.
*hug*
August 10, 2010 6:26 am
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This made me really happy. The thought, that through your pain, you’re given the opportunity to give a family to a child whose life would undoubtedly be the worse without you.
August 10, 2010 6:30 am
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Hear, hear. There are a lot of adoptions in my family, including my grandmother. She is the most wonderful woman in the world and I am so grateful that she was taken in by a warm-hearted family like yours.
August 10, 2010 8:18 am
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thank you so much for sharing this. for some reason one of my biggest fears is that I will not be able to conceive. I don’t really have any reason to think I can’t, I’ve never tried, but I sure have screwed up on my pill schedule enough times to begin to wonder. Anyway, I just wanted to say, thank you for talking about this, and sharing the struggle. I’m absolutely sure you will find peace with this and you will have the perfect family – however it ends up being composed.
August 10, 2010 6:30 am
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Drea, this is a beautiful story. I agree with Liz that the ending is indeed very heart-warming. Made this girl weepy in the morning.
August 10, 2010 6:33 am
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Thank you so much for your bravery and willingness to share your story even when it contains personal loss. It is OKAY to still be grieving – I think we never stop grieving some things; it just becomes less raw and fades into acceptance with time, and you start to see the blessings that come into your life that you never would have had any other way. Good luck in your wonderful marriage!
August 10, 2010 6:44 am
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Thank you for sharing.
My finance and I are two months away from our wedding. It is so good to know that through the tough times and good times, the fact of the matter is, we will be married and our love will only grow each and every day. I love it.
August 10, 2010 6:45 am
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And then I sat at my desk and teared up that I get to be a part of your life. This was lovely and heartbreaking, but all you, Drea.
August 10, 2010 7:09 am
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I completely agree about the sentiment that marriage feels about the same immediately after the wedding, but my coworkers said….give it a while, it will feel different within the year. I had to agree that after about 6 months, I realized I had a real solid sense of security. That has been a wonderful gift as he graduated with a job, and I am still looking. I really have this sense that we are in this together because those tough times aren’t lonely anymore.
August 10, 2010 7:11 am
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I understand the “about the same” sentiment completely. Day-to-day, not much has changed. We get up, we do our thing, we cuddle, we go to sleep. His extended family was asking me how married life was and I answered “about the same,” I think they didn’t understand the context. But you’re right – there’s a deeper serenity and commitment implicit in those day-to-day interactions, that we’re in it for the long haul.
Good luck with adding members to your family – it sounds like they’ll be loved.
August 10, 2010 10:17 am
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You said it exactly, Lindsay (and Drea!). I’ve tried all year to describe it – some days more successfully than others. That peace and contentment that is always there, even when you want to sleep on the couch :-)
I wonder if all new marriages get these big, painful tests – it seems like that’s what I hear from you all, and from my recently-married friends, and that’s certainly been our experience this year. Cheers to commitment!
August 10, 2010 10:51 am
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This is the first post on APW that made me cry (I know, I know, I apparently am made of stone). But not because I feel sorry for you, Drea. Of course, this is devastating news. Like you said, people talk about these things in the abstract, never as a genuine possibility. Most people like to think about adoption a la Brangelina, not because it’s that or nothing. I digress. I cried because you offered to let your husband go and he couldn’t fathom it. To me that is just such a pure expression of love and commitment. I’m glad that he was able to show you that the family you both dream of is not a possibility without both of you in it. I wish you both the best.
August 10, 2010 7:16 am
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I was going to comment, but Jen M. said exactly what I was feeling.
Thank you for sharing your story. Meg was right, your spirit shines through you pictures (AND your words) and I know it will get your through this and whatever else life throws at you. (Cause she’s a beautiful b*tch, Life is….)
August 10, 2010 7:32 am
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Yes- I wanted to say:
“On my worst day, I offered to walk away, to leave my husband so he could find a new wife, one who could give him the family he deserved. The look on his face told me he’d never even consider it.
It was that day that I really understood our marriage.”
has me weeping. Not out of sorrow, but out of gratefulness for this kind of pure love that I am also blessed to have. I just wasn’t sure how to put it into words, and you did- thank you.
August 10, 2010 9:29 am
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I had to exactly this post out loud. Including the ‘made of stone part’.
I’m sending lots of good thoughts your way.
August 10, 2010 1:48 pm
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Thank you for your honesty. This post is beautiful. It just blew me away.
August 10, 2010 7:18 am
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I am sorry that things didn’t work out as planned. However, there is a blessing in all of this, and that is the fact that you know your husband will be there with you no matter what, and he isn’t wishing he’d chosen someone else.
August 10, 2010 7:19 am
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It’s a real story of marriage, of family. When things are though, you pull through together. And you’ll be together when things brighten up. Drea and Josh, I really wish, both of you, the best for your future. Adoption is a hard journey, but it’s so worth it in the end. I have a family member who went trough years of fertility treatments and then the adoption process. Once everything settle, she and her husband had their daughter, they adjusted into a family and that child became their pride and joy. Have faith and hope. And most of all, keep communicating, make sure you live your emotions together. The worse thing that could happen would be to close yourselves from each other.
August 10, 2010 7:22 am
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Oh Dreah. The walk away paragraph made me cry. I’m undergoing fertility treatment one year after our marriage and understand the surprising power and pain of facing this. I’m sorry for your loss, and so moved by what you said about the look on your husbands face. Families are created in all sorts of different ways and combinations. You are already a family and it’s clear that you have so much more love to give to the lucky wee one that will get to join in. Hugs from all of us. Keep us posted.
August 10, 2010 7:23 am
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That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. – Friedrich Nietzsche
Here’s wishing that your marrage and love for each other continues to grow stronger each day.
August 10, 2010 7:27 am
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Wow, what an exceptional post. One of the best I have read here. Thank you for sharing, and I wish you all the best.
August 10, 2010 7:32 am
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I’ve been reading your blog for quite awhile Drea and this is one of my favorite posts of yours. It’s honest and heart felt and the devotion you and your husband have for one another is so… I don’t know … I think what we all hope for.
But grieve. And grieve together. And no matter what, you are stronger together than you are apart.
August 10, 2010 7:43 am
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Thank you.
Your gutsy, honest and truly heart-wrenching story hit me hard.
I’m a planner and someone fiercely independent. I am learning that marriage is about plans changing AND having someone there to support and love you when they do.
August 10, 2010 7:51 am
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Oh.
I’ve been spending more time in the “queer” community where planning to start a family really means planning, fighting authorities, having the money, etc. As a couple who has always “planned” to accidentally start a family (it will start when we just end up pregnant – we aren’t really trying or not trying), the idea of actually having to plan having kids has been on my mind a lot lately. We’ve never thought about a Plan B because Plan A was so laid-back. D & I have always been a little ambivalent about whether or not we wanted a family, but since we’ve been married (and my brother’s girlfriend got pregnant) – I really want kids.
So, hooray for being brave and facing this. You will be fantastic parents – anyway you get there.
August 10, 2010 8:07 am
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Thank you so much for sharing. You will get through this difficult time and be amazing parents to whatever child finds their way into your life.
August 10, 2010 7:54 am
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This is a story of REAL love. Thank you so much, Drea, for sharing such a personal story.
My eyes welled up because your story reminded me of just yesterday when I let my mind wander and I texted my fiance, “so, you’re marrying your best friend, what else am i to you?” and he texted back with “i want you to have my children and be the mother of our children because you are such a good and beautiful person”. So after reading your story, I went into our bedroom as my fiance was waking up and I told him I wanted to ask him something and I said, “What if I can’t give you children?” and he replied with “Then we adopt!” and I said, “You wouldn’t want to leave me?” and he said, “Angela, blood does not make a person your child. Raising a child makes a person your child and I want to raise children with you.” And I thought to myself, “Wow, considering he just woke up, I wonder if he has thought of this already?” And then I remembered, his dad was adopted by loving people and so I should have known he has probably always thought that way.
Maybe everyone should adopt because it obviously effects future generations into realizing, like my fiance, that it doesn’t take blood to make a family. :)
August 10, 2010 8:12 am
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Yes, to all of this.
August 10, 2010 8:40 am
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“The look on his face told me he’d never even consider it.”
I had a similar moment recently with my fiancee, except it happened during a spat…I was being afraid and immature. I was angry with him for forgetting something important to me and I said “if” we stay together and “if” and “if” and he looked back at me calmly as if to say, “Well, you can leave, if you want…but, I’m not going anywhere.”
I realized there was a gap in understanding between us…I no longer need to fervently protect myself from the “world of men”…he’s got my back…I don’t need to fight him. I need to help him as much as he wants to help me. That look he gave me made me grow up a little bit.
Thank you for sharing your story…best wishes to you both…amazing to think what you will write about a year from now.
Best,
Krae
August 10, 2010 8:32 am
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Krae: I had a similar experience when my hubs and I were engaged – sometimes it takes something like that to make us grow up a little and stop protecting ourselves so fiercely. It seemed to come so naturally to my husband, but I fought that surrender for a long time. Turns out he was fighting his own battles, too, partially because of how I acted – that “if” word can be really, really mean.
Thank you for sharing this.
August 10, 2010 10:58 am
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Amen. Mean and selfish. When you’re a single gal there are definite boundaries that absolutely need to be there for survival. But I don’t need those boundaries with my fiancee. They’re useless, now, and I’ve begun taking them down. It’s been an interesting process…lots of old stuff bubbles up. It’s like I have to look at my fiancee again and again and remind myself that he’s not those other guys. He’s the man I’m going to marry.
We actually joked about it the other night…he said, “yeah, you probably could have used a little therapy after that guy [referring to one of my least appealing exes]…but I can handle it.” Heh heh.
August 10, 2010 2:16 pm
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Thank you. This is an absolutely honest and humbling piece. I admire your strength and wish you both the very best.
August 10, 2010 8:34 am
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Thank you for this beautiful post. It takes a lot of guts to share something like that with all of us. Thank you.
And let me say – that although I know this is a difficult time right now (I know – I watched my sister go thru the same thing shortly after her wedding)… things will get better and you will be so amazed (if you so choose) at the adoption process & how it changes you. I have two gorgeous nephews from Ethiopia whom I cannot imagine my life without and a beautiful niece on the way…(Yay!) It’s amazing how once the process is all said and done you cannot imagine life a different way. My sister always says no matter how difficult the road was to get here…things turned out exactly how they were meant to be. You need those children in ways you cannot explain and they need you. It is a perfect match…
Best wishes for the future – I’m sure it will be beautiful no matter what path you choose from here…
August 10, 2010 10:07 am
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You are amazing. Thank you for sharing.
August 10, 2010 10:14 am
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Our close friends are going through this right now, and so our conversations about adoption aren’t abstract. They feel real, somehow. Especially because I have other health issues and I worry about this and what will happen to us if I can’t conceive. But it’s stories like this and watching our friends pull together and get stronger – different, but stronger – that gives me hope. I may not know what’s coming, but we’re both committing to figuring it out together. Truly, I’m wishing you all the best in this process. Thank you for sharing.
August 10, 2010 10:26 am
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I admire your strength & honesty in this post. I worry about having children because my Mom lost a lot of babies between my sister & me so my fiance & I have had serious discussions about adoption. You never know what life will throw your way but love & hope will carry you through. Best wishes to you- may life bring you the beautiful family you deserve no matter how it happens!!
August 10, 2010 10:47 am
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I’m so sorry.
However you and Josh make your family, it will be filled with so much love.
August 10, 2010 11:07 am
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“I’m also a worrier with a vivid imagination and a borderline-unhealthy procedural crime drama addiction.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself (Hello, L&O SVU. Thanks for destroying my sense of reality.) What I love about marriage is that despite my worst fears (be they substantiated or otherwise), when I’m worrying I always fail to take into account the strength that comes from facing difficulties together. It’s a beautiful art. And even though sometimes I want to rip his face off because it’s all just getting so difficult, it always comes back to me that facing the world together is a more loving and productive experience than facing it alone (or with someone else) could ever be.
August 10, 2010 11:30 am
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Thank you, for this.
August 10, 2010 11:40 am
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Drea, this is such a beautiful (and beautifully written) post. Thank you for sharing with us (even if it’s making many of us, including myself, a bit weepy!).
“I felt both betrayed and a betrayer; betrayed by my body and a betrayer to my husband, to our plan. On my worst day, I offered to walk away, to leave my husband so he could find a new wife, one who could give him the family he deserved. The look on his face told me he’d never even consider it.” That got to me a lot, especially where you say that you felt like a betrayer to your husband. I’m so glad that Josh is supportive of you through this, because that’s what marriage is all about, like you said. I wish you guys all the best!
August 10, 2010 11:49 am
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Thank you.
When people ask me how’s married life I generally reply with, “the same, except with sex.” But it’s not really true either. It’s deeper. Secure. I lived just fine on my own into my 30s, but I don’t want to ever do that again, don’t know that I’d really know how either.
And I hope your adoption journey brings you peace and joy. By all appearances my body does seem to be working right, but our so far failed attempts leave me feeling like I’ve been betrayed by my body as well. I feel so blessed to not have to be alone in this part of our journey. My husband has been truly wonderful through it all.
August 10, 2010 1:22 pm
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I read through to the end of this post with tears in my eyes, and the first thought in my mind when I finished was, “there are no happy endings, because nothing ends.” Which is a random quote from The Last Unicorn, but still.
Thank you for sharing this, because this…this is the description of what I hope married life will be like for us, as well. Through good times and bad. I wish the two of you all the best.
August 10, 2010 1:33 pm
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The Last Unicorn!! Yes!! :)
August 10, 2010 1:41 pm
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Thanks Drea, for being so honest about your real fears and real emotions.
The part that really got me: “When we fought, for example, even at our most vitriolic, things never really felt desperate- I knew that this fight wouldn’t be the death knell of our relationship, we’d fight and then afterward we’d still be married.”
I think a lot of us feel the same way sometimes–fearful that this fight could be our last–but are too afraid to voice that fear. I know I feel that way sometimes (and we don’t even have big fights). And sometimes, we feel so bad for having those feelings that the guilt is consuming and like you said about that low, low day, we consider throwing it all in if it eases the pain of those we love. I’ve made that offer a few times over the last year as I’ve struggled with the fiercest depression I’ve ever dealt with. But thankfully, like your husband, my fiance loves me too much to ever let me go. That’s love. It’s BIG love.
I am so sorry that you two have to struggle with these fertility problems but I hope that, like so many of the hardest things in life, it makes your love stronger. I have a pretty good suspicion that it will.
August 10, 2010 1:50 pm
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I am extremely optimistic about your journey, Drea. Even though I am not married yet, I look to my brother and his wife’s journey as inspiration and your experience echos theirs. My sister-in-law caries the Huntington’s gene and before they were married she told my brother he may not want to marry her because life with her may end up long and difficult…
Of course they got married and after several failed IVF attempts they now have the most beautiful adopted baby girl. She’s incredible and sometimes I look at her and think I see a resemblance with my siblings… then I think well maybe they aren’t genetically the same but she has their love and spirit and strong determination.
Anyways, I don’t say this to compare to your struggles. Only that when there are people like my brother and sister in law and you and your husband that can triumph over immense obstacles, I am not so scared to start my marriage journey.
August 10, 2010 2:56 pm
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You made me cry and I just want to give you a great big hug. I am so sorry that you have to face the reality you are facing now. So hugs and warm wishes from a stranger…
August 10, 2010 3:48 pm
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Whenever I’m thinking of wedding plans, I think of joy and pure fun and those photos from Drea’s wedding- from when I first saw them on the blogs. Clearly, by the overflow of joy and happiness expressed in those photos, there are many more moments of joy and happiness to come in your futures. Warmest feelings and deepest sympathies for your loss, and great congratulations on the difficult journey that awaits you.
August 10, 2010 4:03 pm
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Jesus. Everything I read on this blog makes me cry!
Drea: Your honesty and willingness to share your joys and disappointments (a devastating one at that) is utterly disarming. However, you strike me as the kind of woman who wears her heart on her sleeve, and to get through the crap things in life, shares them (a vulnerable yet admirably forthright way to live, I think). If I know anything about life thus far it’s that it never ever turns out how we thought it would, but, as cliche as it sounds, it will all work out in the end. The two of you will find a solution that works for you as a couple and a family, of that I have no doubt.
August 10, 2010 4:52 pm
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Meg, thank you so much for sharing. Always.
Drea, thank you a million times over for your courage and strength to share this and to be so candid and honest in your writing. You made me cry! It is a sweet and sad story and it’s moving, and huge and so personal all at once. It will give women (has given me) something to draw on in those dark hours. You and Josh are blessed to have each other and life has many great things in your future. Enjoy your journey and each other to the fullest; THIS is IT.
August 10, 2010 7:02 pm
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Wow. This gave me chills to read. I think that while it is a sad and disappointing situation, it’s also such a hopeful post! Way to go Drea and Josh for being a couple to work through a tough situation together. That is marriage.
August 11, 2010 9:19 am
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Drea,
Thank you for this wonderful story.
I myself am adopted, and some thing you may find out very quickly if you decide to adopt, is, how little genetics matter to loving your child. I do however, understand your grieving, I often wonder what I would do if I could not have children..and I know I would be devastated. I told my mother this, and my reasoning was that I would like to have children of ‘my own’ when i’m ready. Her response was “you are my own.” And so will your child.
August 11, 2010 9:23 am
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ahh! what your mom said just made me get a bit teary. thanks for sharing your perspective.
August 11, 2010 1:08 pm
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Wow, I remember your wedding totally making me feel all fuzzy-and-badass-good inside. Great to find you here again, and thank you for your honesty. I feel for you and wish you good luck in that unexpected journey…
August 11, 2010 10:31 am
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Drea, having met you and Josh, even for that tiny bit, and getting to witness bits of your life through your blog, you have such a commitment and love for one another. Your honesty is inspirational, and just know that I’m pulling for you guys. No matter what happens, I really believe you’ll make it beautiful.
August 11, 2010 11:07 am
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This was wonderful. Thank you.
August 11, 2010 4:14 pm
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Drea, Thanks for this post…I teared up a bit reading it, it was so raw and honest. All the best on your journey and it sounds like you have a lot of love in your life no matter where the journey may lead. Best! T
August 11, 2010 7:15 pm
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