I only wear a wedding ring. It's a choice I never thought I'd make, given how much I struggled with finding an engagement ring that felt right for me. But, the day after my wedding, I took off my engagement ring and never looked back. Being engaged was tough for me, and I really grappled with the feeling of being public property, the fact that when people noticed my diamond solitaire, they felt empowered to boss me around. So I didn't want to wear it anymore. I didn't want to signal to the world in neon lights, with the classic diamond solitaire and wedding band combination, that I was a wife. I wasn't sure I wanted to fit the mold of wife, I wasn't sure I wanted to deal with people's immediate assumptions when they saw my hand. I liked the gender neutrality and subtlety that my small wedding band(s) offered. I never in a million years would have expected this for myself, but here I am. A simple wedding band wearer (I don't have any great pictures of my wedding band, but you can see it on my hand at the seashore in Italy, if you look closely).
So when Adrianne of Turtle Love Co. (an APW sponsor, but this is in no way a sponsored post) emailed me to ask if she could write about just wearing a wedding band, and what she'd learned over the last 10 years of doing that, I lept at the opportunity. Before we get started, I want to mention something Adrianne refers to, what I'll call the Diamond Olympics. Adrianne worked for a long time in Big Corporate Life, something I've done through all of my engagement and marriage. In the world of big firms, there exists a culture of diamond comparison. Who has what ring? How big is it? How much was spent on her? It's insidious and painful (one more instance of woman judging each other and tearing each other down), but it's true. So, I want you to know that when Adrianne refers to that, neither she nor I is judging those of us with diamond engagement rings, big or small. She's talking about how tough it is to come to terms with said Diamond Olympics, and what coming to terms with that can teach you. And with that, I give you Adrianne:
My wedding band came from Sears, Roebuck. It's as plain as you can get, and my husband's is almost identical. It cost $50 (back in 1999, when gold wasn't $1200 an ounce). I still have the white faux leather box that it came in.
All the women wore significant diamonds with their usual variations in size and shape and setting. Some people might have felt self-conscious without the requisite engagement ring, but I loved my simple wedding band. It was one thing I didn't have to worry about in the stress of trying to find my way in this new group and new work environment. I was wearing the same band as all the men, and not competing or comparing with any of the women. And it made me feel confident. It reminded me: I'm still regular old me, proletarian at heart, even though I'm working on insanely large deals and eating fancy foods and bustling about in a lawyer costume.
Several years later, at a different firm, I had a conversation with a colleague who wasn't wearing her (very, very large) diamond engagement ring. She told me that the center diamond had broken (yup, that's right!) when she hit it on her bathroom counter while brushing her hair, and while the (insured) diamond was being replaced, she was actually enjoying not wearing it. She liked the simplicity and ease of the plain wedding band. I was mindboggled. This friend of mine, who had by far the largest diamond of anyone I'd ever seen, didn't seem to value her achievement in the Unspoken Engagement Ring Competition.
I started looking into this - I knew plenty of people who didn't have engagement rings, or who didn't have diamond engagement rings, but there didn't seem to be much public discourse about it. Before I knew it, I was sucked into this topic and had started an online retailer focused on artisan bridal jewelry. (Don't get me wrong, I'd actually spent lots of time thinking about this over the course of my life - Anne of Green Gables and her disappointment that diamonds weren't purple was an early influence, and there were many more, plus the fact that I majored in Women's Studies.)
At different points over the course of the last 13 years or so, you could ask me about this topic and hear me rail about DeBeers and diamond marketing, or about blood diamonds, or engagement rings as bride prices. All of those things are still major issues. But when it turned out that most of our customers wanted to purchase engagement rings that featured white or clear stones, or colored stones in simple solitaire settings, it finally dawned on me that an engagement ring is a social signifier. It tells people, without having to speak, about your social status. You're taken. This is how you roll. This is what you wear. And the things that we wear have a lot of functionality in our society - they help us sort out the types of people that we're looking for. Each of us, even when we think we're not, picks clothing that says something about ourselves and our group membership to others. It also means something to us.
So if your engagement ring is so unusual that it's not recognizable as an engagement ring (like if it's invisible, or if it's actually an engagement necklace, or if it kind of looks like a mood ring), you'll have to explain this with some frequency (at least until you get a wedding band, if you do). Not so with a diamond solitaire, or something similar enough to a diamond solitaire. Everybody gets it. They can tell what's going on.
So I get it now, too. People wear engagement rings as social signifiers - they mean something to the person who wears the ring, to the person who presented the ring, and to the people who see the ring. We crave that sort of efficiency and order.
Now my goal is to help people make meaningful and authentic choices about their engagement and wedding rings. Those rings are telling us and others who we are and who we want to be. And if we can make authentic choices about these signifiers at the beginning of a marriage, we've got a leg up on taking authentic roles and promoting gender equity in that relationship over the long haul.
That's really exciting.
So if you really want a big diamond, go for it. Obviously, there are ethical and environmental considerations (and probably financial ones), but there's lots of guidance out there about those topics.
And if you want something else, do that. Just make the choice authentic - about you and your relationship. Don't do it because that's what the guy at Zales told you are the guidelines, do it because that's what you really want. And, shockingly enough, you can change your mind. You can decide in five years (or five months) that the ring that once made sense for you and your relationship doesn't quite say what you want it to anymore. Maybe you go bigger, maybe you go smaller, maybe you take it off altogether because it's not important anymore.
And don't be too harsh on other people. You might wish that more people had the same tastes and values as you do. But somebody who wants something that you don't is helping you (directly or indirectly) to define and challenge your tastes and opinions, and helping you find the community that will best support you.
As for me, I'm still wearing my Sears ring. Sometimes, I'm tempted by some of the (amazing) pieces that we sell. Sometimes people tell me that I really should wear a more interesting ring to promote my company. Sometimes, I do. But I always go back to the Sears ring. There's something about it that's just right for me.
I never wanted an engagement ring, but my husband had a family heirloom (filagreed white gold with diamond) that was his grandmother’s aunt’s. She was apparently an incredible person who really contributed to the family. I admit that I was a bit skeptical when he gave it to me (I am so not a jewelry, filagree, or diamonds girl!), but the family significance means a lot to me. I love that I am now a part of his family, and I’m carrying on their family history (as well as my own birth family, of course). And, I have to admit, the shiny-ness grew on me. But I’m glad that if anyone wants to see the ring, the thing they notice is that it is old, and I can tell them about the history, rather than the degree of shiny-ness.
However, I work with my hands, in the dirt, and fancy, old, diamond ring isn’t practical for day-to-day wear. I wear it on “town days” when I won’t be getting dirty at all, or occasionally around the house.
Our wedding bands are simple titanium bands, with little gold inlays. Light, comfortable, durable, and inexpensive. And still pretty, in a practical sort of way. Perfect for us. Those we wear every day.
November 10, 2010 10:47 am
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I should add that I did not love my wedding band when it arrived. I thought it was fine. But I love what it stands for–US. And now that the ring is on my finger, I love having it there.
November 10, 2010 10:49 am
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Oh, man I love this post. I wear an enagagement ring, we bought the engagement ring and wedding band together as a set and together as a couple (which worked really well for us).
I recently had to send in my ring to have a couple of the sidestones tightened and I wore the wedding band for a while, while it was away. I got used to it and started to love it. No more girls grabbing my hand to see my ring two years into our engagement..it was a nice 10 days.
I posed the idea to Isaiah of just wearing the band after we get married, and he was not happy. There are a couple of reasons I agree…1) He bought the ring when we didn’t have hardly any money (not much is different now), but he saved for it…we traded my mom’s solitaire from her marriage to my father (no emotional attachment) and we picked a ring that looks exactly like my grandma’s engagement ring. It has such emotional meaning to him as something he got for me when he could hardly think to spend the money, but knew what he wanted to do – and that he found a ring that represents my grandmother’s ring almost to a “T.”
The second reason (2) is that we got that ring before I found the Practical Weddings of the world. For me to change my tastes just because I’ve been exposed to a world of level-headed women who aren’t wearing engagement rings and what not isn’t any better than adding bunting to my wedding just because everyone else is doing it.
Well this is obnoxiously long, isn’t it? I just wanted to say, YES to you and PROPS for doing it your own way and I couldn’t agree more with your statement that it’s a super personal choice.
November 10, 2010 11:00 am
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You know, you can always just wear it on special occassions for a while, and then go back to wearing it all the time. You’re totally allowed to grow and change and keep changing and change back with these things… even though no one ever says that ;)
November 10, 2010 3:30 pm
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My engagement ring is made from 100 year old saphire and diamonds (tiny, tiny diamonds) and the setting created for my mother-in-law 50 odd years ago. It means the world to me, which is why I don’t wear it every day. It’s far to precious to me to risk my daily life beating it up, it’s quite delicate. That ring signified to me that not only did my husband want us to make a family, his family wanted me to as well, and having had a diamond the first go round, this was absolutely more wonderful than anything we might have picked out anywhere else. My wedding band makes it so that I have no room for my engagement ring on my finger. It goes on the right hand, for special occassions.
I wear a thick band that looks like a man’s. We had them inlaid with a pattern of our first initials in Arabic. We know what it means, anyone else looking at it thinks the design is nice (when the rings have been in something that makes the silver look black), or doesn’t know it’s there at all. Signifiers to anyone looking that we’re married, but the story they tell to us everyday is like a little secret. That secret makes me smile. The people who are shocked at my decidely indelicate band and lack of engagement ring make me smile as well. It’s always surprising the reactions one gets when you willingly remove yourself from the Diamond Olympics.
Oh, and thanks for the reminder that I need to do less internal, and external, ugh-ing where people’s ring choices are concerned. I did need that.
November 10, 2010 11:09 am
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I have a (relatively) big diamond engagement ring that of friend of my husband’s family gave to us upon hearing of our wedding plans. It’s beautiful ring but nothing I would have chosen for myself. I wore it for our wedding day and maybe a month afterwards, when I dispensed with both rings. I don’t like the feel of rings, generally speaking. I do bust it out on special occasions but talk about feeling like Smegial! When I wear that diamond, I immediately start glancing at other women’s hands and making comparisons. Eek!
Not wearing any rings to indicate my married state occasionally has to be explained to people. I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business if I’m married. I know I’m married. My husband knows he’s married. Who else needs to know? A wedding ring never stopped anyone from doing bad things.
November 10, 2010 11:13 am
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Being proposed to last year came as a big surprise, and my fiance had gone ring shopping all on his own (an even bigger surprise, as he’s not one for romance). When he got down on one knee in Central Park and opened this little box holding a glittering diamond ring, I was amazed. But it’s not really something I am always comfortable wearing. I feel like I’m judged for having it (“I thought you were a hippie!?”) as opposed for being judged for NOT having one. It is fancier than I am, and my husband and I, converse-sneaker wearing folk, both know it. For our wedding bands, we picked out sterling silver bands (his wide, mine narrow) and had them engraved with our initials and our wedding date. I wear my diamond most days that I’m at work, because let’s face it, I do like the way it sparkles in the elevator. But the much more “me” ring, and the one that means so very much to me, is my plain simple wedding band. It feels perfect on, and I love that my husband and I have our sweet, simple rings to remember our vows by each and every day.
Thank you for this post. It makes the relationship I have with my engagement ring seem much more… normal. :)
November 10, 2010 11:54 am
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My turn! My husband proposed to me with a rubber band (he’s very impatient) and I would wear that forever if I could (it’s in a locket that I wear occasionally instead).
While the ring I picked out (a simple solitaire) was being made, I wore a placeholder: a pearl and garnet cocktail ring that was his grandmother’s. I’d also wear that forever, if he wasn’t so set on getting me my OWN (diamond) ring.
Funny this post came when it did, though, because I’m been toying with the idea of ditching my diamond lately. The cool thing about it is that I can. Whenever I want. And I can change my mind, too.
November 10, 2010 12:05 pm
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*I’ve* been, that is.
November 10, 2010 12:06 pm
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I’m not married yet, so I can’t say how I’ll feel once I have a wedding ring too. I’ve actually kind of wondered what happens then, because I don’t want to stop wearing my ring. I imagine we’ll go back to the same local jeweler that designed my ring, but I think I’ll want something more simple. I can’t wear my engagement ring all the time sadly because I have a job that involves a lot of time spent with dirt and mud, so I want my wedding ring to have, eh, fewer crevices.
I have been going through a very stressful time in my life lately, and through it all my fiance has been my rock. Through the entire 11 years we’ve been together he’s been my rock, and I’ve been there for him in turn. When I wear my ring, when I feel it on my finger, when I catch a little gleam of it out of the corner of my eye, it reminds me that he’s there, that he loves me, that he’s got my back when nobody else seems to. It helps me not get lost in the bad feelings when I’m going through those really bad stressful times. I know that if all else fails, he’s there, and he’s promised to always be there. I don’t have to do this alone. I really miss it when I can’t wear it. I’m a very visual person, and I think because of that symbols are very important to me. I’m not sure.
There was a local jeweler I’ve always liked, so I showed the boy pictures of things I liked, told him I preferred sapphires, and sent him to it. It was important to me that I be surprised. He worked with the jeweler to come up with a design, picked out the sapphire. So really, it’s very much HIM in the ring, and that’s what makes it special and important. I think he’s really proud of it AND himself too, and that also makes it special.
I honestly don’t think I pay much notice to people’s rings outside of newly engaged friends, for whom I think it feels kind of right to admire their rings (it felt good when people admired mine when I was newly engaged, and I want to return that feeling). I don’t think I’ve felt jealous or a need to compete, because no other ring will have that special something that is the love and effort my fiance invested in choosing me that ring.
I think it’s like that for all couples. Be it a big ole diamond or, something more sedate, it’s whatever works for them. It signifies something to them, and the meaning that ring gives to that couple is what’s important.
November 10, 2010 12:05 pm
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Who knows, I could change my mind but I plan to wear my engagement ring & my wedding band always. To me, the engagement ring symbolizes the promise we made to spend our life together & the wedding band will represent the vows we made to spend our life together. It may not seem like a big distinction but it feels that way to me. I look at my ring & it instantly takes me back to the moment on the winter beach when my fiance proposed. Hopefully, I will look at my wedding band & picture our marriage ceremony. Both rings symbolize meaningful things to me & I want them with me always.
That being said, to each their own!
November 10, 2010 12:21 pm
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I never thought I would be the type of person to wear an engagement ring, especially not without my fiance wearing one as well… but once we began talking about getting married, I started to notice/look for a ring on other people’s left hand. I think it may have been out of curiosity, but it was a weird obsessive thing that I had NEVER done before.
Right before we got engaged, there was a strong possibility that we would be spending 10 months apart, with me in another country. Despite all of my feminist ideals, I think my desire to have an engagement ring sprung from wanting people in this foreign country to take my relationship seriously and know without asking that someone cared about me a lot. All of this was a strange departure from everything I had thought about engagement rings before.
Long story short, I’m not in another country and I have stopped looking at people’s hands obsessively (now only every so often). I wear my engagement ring all of the time, and even though I am uncomfortable when people comment on it, I can’t imagine not wearing it along with the wedding band (once I have one of those too). This ring was a huge deal to my fiance, who wanted to spend way more than I could have imagined. To him, it was showing a commitment, and now I sorta wish there was a similar gift I could give him!
November 10, 2010 1:08 pm
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For as long as I can remember, I did not want an engagement ring. But, then, when my boyfriend and I started talking about engagement, I started to warm up to the idea of wearing a gift that he selected every day. I actually think it was more important to him than it was to me, and for that reason, it made me feel okay about it. I had never priced diamonds before and honestly thought that we would be able to find something that cost less than $1000. Well, I almost started tearing up when we visited the first jewelry store and the lady put a $xx,xxx ring on my finger. I felt sick about it. I’m not judging those who have high-priced rings, but it just wasn’t representative of who I am. In the end we found a nice ring that we both liked, and we picked out together, and we purchased it that day because it was on sale.
This has caused a whole new set of problems that I would have never foreseen. We are not “officially” engaged yet and we are both catching a lot of disappointed looks when we tell people that we picked the ring out together. – “You mean she’s already seen the ring?! Where’s the surprise??!” “I will NEVER go ring shopping with my boyfriend because I want it to be a surprise.” – Not only has the ring become this weird social competition, but the “proposal” has to be the “biggest and the best and the most surprising” – all kinds of pomp and circumstance that I think is silly. “Who will video tape it and who will take pictures??,” they ask him. I’ve actually started to pretend that I don’t know if he’s bought a ring yet because I’m tired of the looks of shock and horror that I helped pick it out, and it’s easier to play the social game. “Technically” we’re not engaged yet because he hasn’t “proposed”. I know he wants to create a special experience and a nice proposal story for us to experience together and for him to tell family and friends so it looks like he “did a great job” and we don’t look so weird under the social spotlight. For that reason, because it’s important to him, I don’t mind waiting to experience the “proposal moment.”
It’s made me realize guys are under a tremendous amount of pressure to do all of this perfectly. No matter how much reassurance that I give him that I love that we picked a ring out together and I don’t need a “surprising” proposal with trumpets and flares and hikes through the mountain or mariachi bands or seaside sunsets, it still does not remove the sense of pressure he feels to do it all “right.”
November 10, 2010 1:13 pm
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What blows my mind is how many women PRETEND they were surprised, when they KNEW the engagement was imminent. I do it myself!
I was 100% positive that my fiance was going to propose when he did. He’d been acting like a crazy person for weeks and was being terribly secretive about where we were going and what we were doing on this “impromptu” road trip he’d planned.
But as far as he’s concerned, I never saw it coming, which is a myth I propagate for his benefit because he’d be heartbroken if he knew I’d been on to him the entire time.
November 10, 2010 1:28 pm
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And actually, that’s why I continue to wear my engagement ring now, even though I’d prefer to simply wear a wedding band: I’m pretty sure my fiance would be heartbroken (and pissed!) if I stopped wearing the ring that he so painstakingly designed and generously purchased for me.
And then inevitably, my overly-practical, anti-sentimental self would come up with some ridiculous idea like ‘what’s the point of having the ring at all if I’m not going to wear it? let’s just sell it and buy something we’ll actually use,’ and my husband’s head would explode because he’d realize that he really IS married to a robot!
November 10, 2010 1:34 pm
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Yeah! My fiance and I got engaged over a series of relaxed conversations. I suppose to the extent there was a “moment,” it’s too personal for me to completely share with other people. My family looked at me like I was nuts when I said there wasn’t really a proposal. I think they didn’t believe me. They got over it, though.
November 10, 2010 1:54 pm
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Diane, I felt the same way about not being “officially” engaged because we had not had an “official” proposal experience, even though we were actively planning our wedding, had a date for less than four months later, had the dress, etc. But I had this idea in my head that engagement begins with a proposal of some sort. Well, my now-husband didn’t propose until the Wednesday before our Saturday wedding (we lived in separate countries and he had put a lot of pressure on himself to have an awesome proposal, so he waited.) It was sweet and fun and perfect for us, but I wish I had realized that if we were planning our wedding and had decided to get married, we had a valid engagement, with or without the ring and with or without an official proposal. I think I tried to minimize my enthusiasm/bliss about it all because “we weren’t officially engaged,” but I wish I had allowed myself to enjoy the engagement experience more and not feel Less Than Official because we re-ordered our process. Anyhow, I wish you much joy in your path towards marriage with your partner, with or without an official proposal and/or ring. :)
November 10, 2010 6:52 pm
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Jenny, thanks for your post. It is interesting that you mention the distance being a factor in the order of engagement/planning your wedding. My boyfriend and I currently live about a +four-hour plane ride away and it is the main factor in this limbo period – I don’t want to announce our engagement until it is convenient to tell my employer that I will be leaving; he doesn’t want to consider us to be engaged until he’s proposed. The whole process gets elongated when you don’t see each other every week. And you’re spot on – I feel as though I’m trying to minimize enthusiasm, when really, internally, I’m very excited. I’m pretty sure it will all be out in the open in the next two months, but rather than try to make the time go by faster, I should probably focus on enjoying this period as well.
November 11, 2010 2:00 am
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Yes, long distance certainly complicates things for sure. I wish you a smooth-as-possible planning process!
November 11, 2010 6:50 am
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This post is so spot-on, that it’s almost embarrassing. As if Adrianne is on to me somehow.
Long before I knew I wanted to marry my husband (or if I wanted to get married at all), I knew I was not interested in a diamond engagement ring. There were environmental and ethical concerns, of course, but the truth is that those were convenient and practical excuses, as opposed to being the real reason.
No, the REAL reason I was disinterested in diamonds was that everyone (ok, not EVERYONE, but almost) gets a diamond engagement right, and I didn’t want to be like “everyone else.” By wearing a ring that clearly breaks the mold of what a traditional engagement ring looks like, it’s as if am signifying to one and all that I break the mold of what a traditional woman is like. I know. I’m ridiculous. And Adrianne is totally on to me. ;)
Indeed, an engagement ring IS a social signifier, and it signifies a hell of a lot more than just the meta-info that you’re “spoken for.” Depending on who’s viewing it, it might signify any number of things – most of which have more to do with THEIR values than with yours. For example, a woman with an exceptionally large diamond might have simply inherited the stone from a family member and never given it a second thought. But to be sure, there are people who will view her ring and assume that it signifies that she and/or her fiance is shallow, materialistic, wealthy, in-debt, or any number of other things. Likewise, the same woman might have inherited an exceptionally small diamond and never given it a second though. But there are people for whom this might signify that she and/or her fiance are too poor to afford anything else. For others it might signify that she’s anti-materialistic and is deliberately making a statement as such. Others might see her modest diamond and think she must be a very practical woman.
And while none of these things are what the ring means to the wearer, this social signifier sends many messages to many people.
November 10, 2010 1:21 pm
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Loving this discussion :)
Here is one thing that I can’t figure out….so, we’re doing the both-wearing-engagement-rings thing, which we feel good about…..but we’re not getting wedding rings, since we each only want/feel like we need one ring. So if we’ve already exchanged those rings during engagement, do we take them off and RE-exchange them during the wedding? Or keep them on and skip the ring part of the ceremony altogether? Or something else? Has anyone who just kept one ring each dealt with this?
November 10, 2010 1:39 pm
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I didn’t get a wedding band when we got married, so I took off my engagement ring and we combined that with his wedding band and exchanged rings in the midst of the ceremony.
Though I suppose you could certainly skip the ring exchange altogether if that’s what feels good for you.
November 10, 2010 1:49 pm
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Oh, the exchanging rings part was my favorite moment of the whole ceremony! Don’t skip it. :)
Maybe even take your rings off a couple of days before the wedding and switch them so that when you get them back the moment will be more meaningful. :)
November 10, 2010 4:20 pm
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Do whatever you want to do, Kate. Maybe you could write something into the ceremony about the symbolism of the rings you exchanged at your engagement and how the meaning carries through to your married life.
November 11, 2010 7:22 am
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I always assumed that I wouldn’t want a ring for the same reasons I don’t plan to change my name and insist on being called “Ms.” — I am not his property and my relationship is none of your business, thank you very much. So here I am, about a year into an engagement (wedding next summer), wanting a ring with no idea why.
I found a very simple, pretty stacking band set I really like, but have stalled on actually making the purchase happen. I can think of so much more we could do with $500. My fiance doesn’t seem to get the symbolism of the whole ring thing (“I just want to marry you. Do whatever you want on the rest.” Sweet and wonderful, but also confusing), so I feel a little silly wearing one, especially one I picked out. I also feel weird wearing one as he won’t be — he doesn’t like wearing jewelry, and doesn’t want to wear a ring (he has my wholehearted blessing on this). AND we’re already a year into the damn thing, so isn’t it a bit weird to start now?
Anyway, so what I took from this post was a sense that — hmm, maybe I should start by figuring out why this ring thing is now important to me, and go from there. Can’t go wrong with the authenticity referred to above, huh? Thanks for the lovely idea for today!
November 10, 2010 1:39 pm
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Whoops. Disregard. This is very similar to something I said earlier — I just thought it hadn’t posted due to my extremely flaky Internet.
<3
November 10, 2010 1:49 pm
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I appologize in advance because there are a lot of comments…and its the end of the day…and i got through many but I may be repeating something already said…sorry!
I truly don’t think one piece of jewelry can tell the world your personality, (regardless of size). When I look down and see my ring, I immediatly think of my husband. I think of what it represents to me and it’s a constant little reminder of him and “us” and a symbol of our marriage. And while its an outward symbol that I’m married, its more of a personal, private and inward symbol to me of our marriage, and of him. It doesn’t tell the world anything about our marriage. And when I see his ring on him, it makes me proud, because there is a little bit of me that he carries around everyday. There is my representation physically presented on him. And him on me. Our rings are little, solid, heavy, (hopefully unbreakable) earthly reminders of the other person. And it makes me smile.
November 10, 2010 2:41 pm
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I wanted a solitare sapphire in a celtic setting. No, it is not my birthstone (opal is), and no, blue is not my favorite color (green is). But I don’t particularly care for opals (as a kid I always felt “cheated” that I didn’t get a sparkly gemstone as my birthstone), and I don’t like how emeralds look with white gold. Plus, I found out after, that sapphires/blue represent fidelity, and emeralds/green represent fertility, and I liked the message of the sapphires. Of course, my decision was already made; this just reinforced it!
My husband only wanted me to have something that I loved, and he actually tricked me into picking out my ring before we got engaged.
I got a wedding ring that matched – 5 small sapphires, also in a celtic setting. The rings weren’t made together or anything, but they do match. The jeweler (a local Irish store, actually) went above and beyond in making my ring(s) match my vision. And I LOVE my rings. I love how they look together. I love what both rings represent and the journey we took. A lot of people say things like, “Oh, that’s different!” or “It’s okay, not everyone likes diamonds!” I know they’re trying to be nice, but they don’t really get it. Which is OK – they don’t have to, and not one person has been rude (to my face, anyway) about my choice of a non-diamond.
November 10, 2010 3:14 pm
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Whoa – this post is on FIRE!
I read Adrianne’s post (very eloquent and thoughtful, BTW), but skimmed (OK, skipped – who are we kidding) most of the comments.
For me: my rings are very, very important and I wear both the engagement ring and my wedding band every day. Couldn’t possibly dream of wearing one without the other!
I remember years ago when my fiance (now husband) and I were talking about the type of rings I liked, and we chose mine together, and it wasn’t a classic diamond solitaire, even though they’re pretty and I adore all sparkly things. I personally just gravitated towards an engagement ring wth a sapphire because, well – they’re pretty. That said, many people called it a “promise ring” or gave me pitying looks when they saw it because they assumed it was a “starter ring”. Truth is, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’ve been married a little more than a year, and every time I look down at my hand, I just love seeing my rings there. I love what they mean to me, and so does my husband.
Here’s something interesting though: he doesn’t wear HIS ring all the time. He just prefers not to have that “public / outward symbol” on his hand. The irony is: as important as my rings are for me, that he doesn’t wear his doesn’t bother me a bit!
November 10, 2010 3:41 pm
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The pity! What is with the pity?
Some girl at a party recently said, “I wouldn’t marry *anyone* without a nice rock.” Then looked at me an aawkwardly said, “Oh, sorry Emily. I didn’t mean–”
November 10, 2010 4:18 pm
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Oh my. I really have no words.
November 10, 2010 6:59 pm
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While that’s obviously a ridiculous thing to say it got me thinking- Is it the case that the awkwardest comments (“I would never marry someone who didn’t give me at least x”) come from women who have not been engaged before?
I mean, if so we should maybe be thinking “hey lady!
a) perhaps you don’t realize you are coming off sounding rude
b) maybe there’s some insecurity going on about your relationship status and you’re compensating by trying to shame mine with your flippant dismissal (shame blasters activate pew pew!)
c) if you haven’t ever navigated the quagmire that e-ring decisions can be, you just don’t know how precious and personal what you do or don’t put on a ring finger is.”
When J and I were discussing The Ring it was a major growing experience. He proposed without one because he wanted me to have something I would love and wear every day. But then I had to learn to own my shockingly traditional desires in order to express them to him. It was not easy saying, Hey. I do need this symbol. It is important to me. But these are the lessons that are preparing us for other decisions in our marriage.
November 11, 2010 9:22 am
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I have a different view of the engagement/wedding ring choice. And forgive me I haven’t read all the comments so I may be repeating what others have said.
Regardless of color/size/cost your rings should remind you of your spouse/fiance, not be a source of comparison. Just like it says in the marriage ceremony “let these rings be a symbol of your commitment to each other.” As someone who is (very) recently engaged, everytime I look at my ring I think of my fiance and that he loves me and chose this for me. It’s a personal choice if you choose to wear your engagement ring after you are married but I would never choose not wear it because of what other people may (or may not) thing about it.
November 10, 2010 3:49 pm
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YES! Yes. Yes. Yes.
Our wedding bands came from one of my favorite jewelers. Mine matches my husband’s, which I love, and because we eloped, there was never an engagement ring. (Which is just fine with me. Diamonds are not really my thing.) They’re simple and silver, and together they didn’t even break the triple-digit mark in cost.
To be honest, sometimes I feel a little insecure with my simple band because of the whole Ring Olympics thing. But whenever I catch a glimpse of my wedding band on my finger when I’m driving or picking something up or doing whatever, my heart skips a happy little beat. I really love it. To hell with social expectations.
November 10, 2010 4:16 pm
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Since discovering APW, my wedding blood pressure has decreased significantly. This post is a perfect example of why: community is nice. Mindful decision making is something to be celebrated. Thanks, Meg.
I’m a member of the $20 engagement ring club. My fiance bought it from my favorite local designer store, where a whole lot of cute lives. When asked, I told him I like simple rings and that I didn’t want a diamond. Check.
There are family rings that my fiance’s mother really wants me to have, but I’ve politely refused. I really am not a diamond kind of girl. I’m a modern dancer. I roll on the floor, and then I serve food at a restaurant. And, more importantly, I just don’t like diamonds. Future mother-in-law thinks her son is cheap, feels badly for me. Actually, it was a joint decision.
We’re buying wedding bands that will cost a couple hundred bucks, and then I will just wear that. Very happily. I’m sick of the bling wars. That said, I obviously recognize that whatever decision you or I make is an incredibly personal one. I support that.
One thing that encouraged my anti-bling desires was hearing from blogger DOOCE on the subject. She regularly buys cheap rings at Target or Etsy and wears them as wedding rings. She didn’t want thousands spent on a ring– she wanted home remodeling instead. There are so many directions to turn in this decision making. Your relationship isn’t actually changed with or without the sparkles. It’s your comfort at stake. And the rest of the world can get a life.
Thanks for sharing your stories!
November 10, 2010 4:22 pm
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When my husband and I first has serious discussions about getting married, I told him that I didn’t need a ring at all. And I honestly felt that way. But he’s quite traditional and, and many other readers have commented, it was more important to him to get a traditional ring than it was to me. But since it was it was so important to him, I wasn’t going to argue. He ended up getting it custom made, and while it isn’t what I would have chosen for myself, I kind of like that part; that it’s something he chose for me instead.
When we went to pick out wedding bands, we went back to the jeweler to get a band that sat flush with the ring I already had. I was very conscious of the wedding budget, and so I chose a lower-cost option. The funny thing was, I had very strong feelings about what my wedding band “should” be, much more so than the ring he chose for me. I ended up picking a simple band, with the idea that I could always upgrade . . . even though I knew I never would. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I just knew that once I started wearing the band, I’d like it because it is a simple reminder of our commitment, and I knew I didn’t need anything flashy for that.
I wear both now. I like the band on its own, and that was important to me when we bought it. However, I would feel weird that he put a lot of thought and effort and emotional energy into the ring and then I were to only wear it for the nine months or so. Screw everyone who wants to make assumptions, I say. People make assumptions anyway, based on how you’re dressed, what bag you’re carrying, what you’re driving, whether you use reusable bags at the grocery store . . . the list goes on and on and on. When I wear the rings, I think of us. And until I choose to pass on the ring as an heirloom or something, I’ll continue to wear both.
November 10, 2010 4:23 pm
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I have a traditional e-ring… probably a little bigger than I expected, but my fiance wanted to impress my mom (to kind of prove himself I think). I pretty much picked out the band, he picked the diamond, and we had a ton of fun shopping together… sometimes I wish we weren’t engaged so we could go ring shopping again. I would have been happy with a smaller ring, or a less elaborate ring, but that’s not what I ended up with, and I certainly have nothing but love for my ring. When we were shopping, some jewelers were saying we could always get a smaller stone and then “upgrade” later on… where did that come from? What’s wrong with what we picked out?
As for wedding bands… I cannot wait to wear one! I fully expect to wear both my e-ring and wedding ring together, because that’s how I was raised. Only once in my life have I seen my mother without both her rings on (she was going in for surgery and they told her no jewelery, but she insisted on at least her wedding band) so to me, it’s normal.
As for judging other people’s choices- I am my mother’s daughter. I notice jewelery EVERYWHERE, and I love engagement rings. I love the diversity of them all and I especially love when I hear about the engagement. I’m horrible. It was weird though, when I met someone for the first time and her eyes went first to my ring, then to my face as she was shaking my hand… maybe I’d better stop looking at people’s rings ;-)
November 10, 2010 4:44 pm
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The ring and the act of becoming engaged was a hard one for me. I had been engaged before and it was an unexpected surprise. The ring was a non tradition ring made of family stones. The wedding was called off a month out and his mother (her stones) wanted me to keep the ring.
My mother didn’t have an engagement ring although my father did give her a beautiful opal that she wears constantly. They have matching wedding bands and I always thought that was a beautiful idea.
This go around I was afraid of the surprise engagement and wanted the planning of our life together to be an active conversation. I am lucky enough to have found a man that had this conversation with me. While on vacation this summer we stopped at my folks’ place and the morning we left my FH and I asked my father if he would be willing to ask his mother if she had any Montana Sapphires left. My grandparents used to mine the sapphires together before my grandfather became sick. We are so blessed that she had one stone left and she was willing to share it! The ring was designed by a friend of my families and between the gift of the stone and the friends discount we were able to afford more ring than we ever thought possible. It has a very art deco angular design to it and the stone is a turquoise green. I LOVE that we have a ring with a wonderful story and a stone from such a loving and strong marriage. They were married almost 50 years before my grandfather passed away.
I am amazed at how many women I feel judge my ring and the number that have tried to tell me my stone is an emerald. I have been guilty of checking out other women’s rings but to be honest I enjoy looking at my friends rings and seeing how much they reflect their personalities!
As to my FH, I know that he is bothered by our untraditional engagement. I think he would have liked to have been able to get down on one knee and pop the question. Although when the ring arrived he DID get down on one knee. I am very lucky to have the guy I do. We looked and looked till we found a wedding band the reflects my FH’s personality and is as unique as our engagement ring. I look forward to the day when we both get to wear our rings together.
Back to the e-ring. It is a set, the wedding ring notches into one of the curve/angles. It is a non adorned band. I am currently struggling with the decision of wanting to solder the bands together once married and buying a separate wedding band to wear on the days when I am working with my hands or if I want to leave the dainty notched band free to be worn with out the e-ring.
Thank you for all of the stories and opinions shared!
November 10, 2010 5:03 pm
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I was surprised at how much I wanted an engagement ring, and how important it turned out to be to my fiance. We knew we wanted to get married before he proposed, so when he proposed, he said to me, “I’ve been thinking about what I would like for my birthday, and what I really want is for you to wear my ring. Will you marry me?” And when we’re holding hands, he frequently plays with my ring.
I thought I would be uncomfortable with the rather traditional view of ownership or branding, but it turns out, I’m not. I like feeling like there is this thing that tells the world that I belong. He’s kind of a traditional guy, so he didn’t like the idea of him wearing an engagement ring, but we bought our wedding bands early, and he does sometimes want to look at his, which makes me feel all warm and gooey knowing that he likes the symbolism of belonging to me as much as I like belonging to him.
November 10, 2010 5:18 pm
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Before we got engaged, I kept telling my soon-to-be fiance that he could get me a ring out of a Cracker Jack box if he wanted. I didn’t really mean it, but I could tell he was taking the whole “two months’ salary,” “the bigger the better” mindset to heart, and a) I thought it absurd to work months to buy one single piece of jewelry and b) I would feel terribly gaudy wearing a really big ring. (I mean, he couldn’t have afforded a REALLY big ring, but it still could have been bigger than I was comfortable with. I like low-key jewelry.) But, at the same time, I cared a lot about what it looked like. I was a little worried about letting him pick out the ring by himself, because I would hate to feel disappointed in my engagement ring, but he wanted to surprise me, so we talked a lot about stones and settings in the months leading up to the proposal. Then his mother offered us his great-grandmother’s antique family heirloom ring, and I LOVE it. He showed it to me beforehand to see if I liked it, and I absolutely did. (It then sat on his bedside table for 2 months before he proposed – during which I had to live at his apartment for a month and a half b/c of a flood at my house. I used to wear it around the apartment while he was at work. (Shhh! I don’t think I ever told him that.)) It’s the perfect size (in every sense – it didn’t even need to be resized for my finger!), it’s beautiful, and my genealogy-obsessed, history major self can’t get enough of the fact that it’s a family heirloom. (Everyone reacts the same way when I tell them it’s an heirloom: “Oh, that’s PERFECT for you!”)
And yet, on more than one occasion, he’s looked at it and said “I could have afforded something better.” I try to impress on him that he could have afforded something BIGGER, but nothing could be BETTER than my ring. But he definitely sees it as a status symbol/indication of his worth/indication of his feelings for me, and I think he thinks that other people see it that way, too.
November 10, 2010 6:14 pm
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YES! I wear only my engagement band, which is a narrower incarnation of my mother’s gold band. My husband wears my dad’s band, which is cool because my dad died before they were able to meet. We like to clink our wedding bands together when we’re at home and tackle something together as a team. It’s kind of dorky, I know.
I was very vocal about not wanting a diamond, and when I got my pearl engagement ring, I felt sure Joe understood where I was coming from. He had a hard time getting someone to sell him a pearl engagement ring, and I know sometimes he felt judged for not getting me a diamond by people who didn’t understand my reasons. I wear my engagement ring on my right hand when I dress up, but I like that my band is a reminder of my commitment and my family without any sort of status implications.
November 10, 2010 7:05 pm
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“I was wearing the same band as all the men, and not competing or comparing with any of the women. And it made me feel confident.” -i love this!! i agree with this statement so much.
i ‘m also with everyone who has said that their engagement ring prompts comments of “oh that’s interesting,” or “is that your birthstone?” i even had someone ask, “is that a mood ring?” and that one ticked me off. my engagement ring was designed by my husband and has a green tourmaline as the stone. its slightly chunky and looks nothing like an engagement ring. i got sick of explaining it to people and it made me angry that they would even ask. i mean, can’t a girl just wear a ring, who’s business is it anyway who bought the ring or what it symbolizes? (unless i want to tell you that is)
now i wear my very simple wedding band. there are days when i think about wearing my engagement ring again, and even days that i wish i had a different ring, but this is my wedding ring, and i love the symbolism of it. i love that it says, “you are loved” on the inside. i love it and what it stands for. i cannot imagine telling my husband i want something different or new. maybe someday i’ll change my mind. is that becoming a more common thing to do??
November 10, 2010 7:28 pm
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Scott and I decided to get married on a Monday and got married on the Thursday, so we were more concerned about finding wedding bands in time than an engagement ring, although we had looked at a few together.
He had been saving money in a “Polar Bear Fund” (I’m Canadian and wanted a Canadian diamond) basically since we met, and wanted to wait to buy it until he had enough to get me something he thought I’d like. He ended up getting me one a little different than I’d expected, but very beautiful. Also bigger than I’d expected! although I think it looks bigger than it actually is, or something. Anyway, he gave it to me on the anniversary of our “engagement,” just a few days short of our first wedding anniversary. I really love having that shiny thing on my finger, I don’t care if it means that I’m shallow. IT’S SO SHINY! (Princess cut, set in platinum, yellow gold band too match my wedding band)
As far as how he and his co-workers look at it, he was walking with two of them the next day after he’d given it to me, he was saying that I was happy about it and so on. Co-worker A asked how much it cost; Scott told him (I still don’t know the exact number although I guess I’ll have to in order to insure it). A said, “Oh, that’s too much money to spend on a ring.” Then co-worker B said, “So, A, how much did your divorce cost you?” and that, of course, was that! My mother never had a diamond, and his mother doesn’t have one either. I don’t know why it even mattered to me that much, but even though I had basically given up on ever getting married when we met, and thus on having a diamond ring, I’m glad I asked for my little piece of Canada that will be with me wherever I go.
What’s funny is that I would say to people, “Look, I got my bling!” and show them, and they’d say, “But aren’t you already married?” and be really confused.
November 10, 2010 7:52 pm
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I never really wanted a big fancy ring (it’s impractical for lab work and I would feel gross if my boy spent over a couple hundred on it). However, his grandmother had offered him a diamond from one of her bracelets and paid for the ring to get made (I picked out the setting), so big sparkly diamond I have.
To be fair it’s absolutely beautiful, a marquise cut with a slanted set and smaller diamonds on each side. And it symbolizes that I’m a part of his family, now which is the real reason I like it.
….okay. And and it’s shiny too. Sooooo very shiny.
But it’s caused some serious frustrations. My friend’s fiance got jealous because the her ring isn’t as big as mine (friend is quite happy with her ring) and he feels inadequate. My mom and my brother only see huge and sparkly…my brother left a comment on my facebook regarding the size and my mom wouldn’t leave me alone until I posted a picture of the damned thing.
Luckily the only comments I’ve gotten from random people are from the coffee shop lady, who was all “OMG PRETTY I LOVE THE SETTING!”
November 10, 2010 9:22 pm
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My husband proposed to me with a white gold band he purchased at Fred Meyer Jeweler and I love it because I can wear it all the time without feeling as if it’ll break/crack/chip. I didn’t need a statement ring, although his mom wanted to purchase a much larger ring for me, he knew I didn’t need or want such a piece. I did get a few looks about my engagement ring when I informed people, but knew and explained that a simple piece suited my taste. We picked out our wedding bands together; his is made from Tungsten, and mine is a 1940s white gold band with an aquamarine in the center, two small diamonds on either side, and Forget-Me-Nots engraved into to the band next to the diamonds. I didn’t have it banded with the other ring, but wear both on my ring finger. I must say that wearing something this fancy (to me) took a little getting used to, but now it’s a great part of my hand and marriage.
November 10, 2010 10:22 pm
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Growing up I was told the engagement ring cost idea came from an advertising campaign run by a diamond company (possibly de beers?). Back then it was only 1 months salary, but seems to have crept up over the last 15 or so years since I first heard the idea.
P.
November 11, 2010 3:13 am
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Very well said. Your comment on society and general thinking is really right and impressive.
November 11, 2010 4:03 am
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This post and the comments have me thinking a lot about jewelry and its symbolism in our relationships. I love my engagement ring, an antique sapphire ring from 1920. I’ve occasionally considered just wearing my wedding band but I love that my engagement ring reminds me of all of the conversations we had planning our futures together. I love the little things I learned/really got about him while shopping for it. I love our wedding rings too. We made them together which makes them more special to me. Both rings are huge symbols of my getting an even deeper understanding of him. I hadn’t really understood or even considered the stone comparison stuff until a friend was getting engaged to a woman who was a lawyer in New York. He definitely bought a ring with the competition in mind. I sorta thought he was exaggerating until I read this thread. I guess my thought on engagement rings is sorta how I feel when I see him wearing our wedding band, I get a little tingly that he is committed enough to me to let the whole world know. It’s not really about me being property or anyone else, but then again I work in a field where people seem fairly oblivious to what you’re wearing in general let alone on your left hand.
November 11, 2010 6:32 am
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I’m starting to think I’ll use my engagement ring as my wedding ring. It’s a band, I picked it, I’m not really a ring person and finding something to go with it has been difficult. Mr Fiancé on the other hand will want another ring as he wears four or five everyday.
November 11, 2010 6:32 am
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[...] by yesterday’s A Practical Wedding post about authenticity and engagement rings, I’ve decided to share the story of my/our engagement [...]
November 11, 2010 7:23 am
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What a wonderful topic! I was thinking of this as many of my friends spa clients have been opting for non-traditional or no rings. I was engaged at 21 and felt like I HAD to have a sparkly diamond. I was fortunate to get an old family stone that we could set as we pleased. I felt compelled to compare my ring to those of my college classmates who were also engaged early.
I’m in my 30s now and my tastes and values are so different that the ring just didn’t suit me anymore. For years, I never wore it, opting instead for a placeholder band. This year, I took the stone and had it re-set into a cool setting into much sturdier ring that was unique and suited my personality and lifestyle.
For me, I like wearing a ring to signify that I’m married because I’m so happy to be married to my husband. I don’t feel any sentimental attachment to the ring or stone itself though, and I expect that in 10 more years I’ll have different tastes and perhaps even re-style the ring again into something that works for the 40 year old version of me. :)
November 11, 2010 7:38 am
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So happy to see this topic on APW. Thanks Adrianne. I found picking out a wedding ring so freaking hard. Way harder than the dress, way harder than any wedding-related decision. So I gave up on it for a while. I wore my (nontraditional, non-blingy) engagement ring as a wedding ring for almost two years after we got married. This summer I finally bought a vintage wedding band with tiny little diamonds, and stopped wearing the engagement ring.
November 11, 2010 8:02 am
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Who’d have thought that later in the day after reading this article my boyfriend and I would end up talking about this? Thanks for the great post, definitely takes on a different perspective when we’re talking about how we will approach this. :)
November 11, 2010 9:14 am
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I’m sooo glad you posted about this. When my fiance and I were getting engaged, I obsessed over having the right ring that would fit me and my personality perfectly, but also be something totally unique and not traditional. I inherited a gorgeous diamond antique engagement ring with lot’s of filigree from my grandmother when she died when I was 6; the ring was her mother’s who I was named for. I agonized over getting the ring reset in something a little more wearable, but the custom setting I picked out was going to be too expensive for my fiance to afford at this point, and I didn’t want him to drain his savings for my ring when we are just getting started with our independent lives, plus planning for a wedding and our future. I also wanted something really different, not necessarily the typical white diamond engagement ring, so we ended up creating a custom ring on Etsy with a gorgeous silver grey rose cut diamond, set in a very simple rose gold bezel. It was super affordable and is very me, but I still sometimes obsess over my grandmother’s ring, and whether or not I should have just had it reset into something really simple and inexpensive. I plan to wear my grandmother’s ring on my right hand on special occasions, and am mostly glad I didn’t change it because it’s truly one of a kind, but my point is just that there are sometimes so many options out there, and when you want something truly special, it’s easy to second guess the decision you finally end up making. That said, I love both my rings and now am obsessing over what wedding ring to get! :)
November 11, 2010 9:32 am
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Thank you for this post. (And the millions of comments after.) It’s so interesting to hear that there are so many different opinions on this. I did not have an engagement ring (by choice) and our wedding bands are plain silver on the outside. We spent less than $300 on the pair not because of our budget, but because that was what we wanted. That way, if in five, ten, or twenty years we want new ones, no worries, we can do that. And if one gets lost (as they often do in my family) no worries. Though they may look plain on the outside, they have an awful lot of meaning to both of us and it is exactly what we wanted. It’s amazing the things people will say to us when they see my ring. “You couldn’t get him to buy you a diamond?” (Insert vomit here.)
And another thing, I treat my ring just like any other ring I’ve ever worn, I take it off from time to time, including when I sleep. I never realized that people quite literally never take these rings off! Too bad, my marital status is not so important that I need to wear it when I swim or work out or any other activity I woudn’t ordinarly wear a ring for. But that’s just my opinion.
November 11, 2010 9:33 am
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With respect to the ring competition this post SO HITS HOME!!! So many people I went to law school with were so competitive when it came to engagement rings. A lot of people got engaged in a really short period of time and there was a silent but obvious competition. And really, why are we competing? When it comes down to it we’re all loved. You’re not loved more or less depending on the size of or lack of diamond. Its all so ridiculous. Do I love my engagement ring? Yes! But I’m not going to judge someone else or make assumptions because their ring is bigger, smaller, or they don’t wear one.
The engagement ring was initially such a sticking point for us. I cared way too much about it to begin with and after more reflection realized I was being completely ridiculous. It is so easy to fall prey to all the stupid cultral forces out there telling you what things mean or how important they should be/are. Letting go of all that is liberating. An engagement ring can be significant without being all consuming or defining.
November 11, 2010 10:17 am
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I have read so many times this blog and once more I found a subject to identify with!
I have a lovely three diamond ring,that my future husband chose for me last year.I didnt even want a ring in the first place since for me the ring was only a symbol but the really important stuff was the everyday respect and love to each other,etc.When he did surprised me with one I loved it although is not the convential type…the boy knows my taste.
I dont wear all the time,first because is probably the most expensive item I have and my work involves a lot of lifting and dusting and moving big cages of stock and I dont want to ruin it.
And second because I like making an ocasion of everytime that i wear it,something special to reminds us how special is what we have.
November 11, 2010 1:08 pm
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The ring Olympics SO exist–and my sister-in-law is a gold medalist. I find it fascinating how impressed her friends are (strangers, too) with her ring, and how proud my brother is as well. I don’t wear rings at all, and cannot imagine dealing with such a rock. But it makes them happy.
As for me, I’ll know I’m with the right person when they totally understand and love that I’d prefer to have an engagement kayak rather than an engagement ring. Seriously.
Heck, even an engagement trip to Mexico sounds better to me than a ring, but that’s just me. How far out of the Olympics can one opt?
November 11, 2010 4:15 pm
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This is a great discussion. My mother is very traditional (she sort of expected to get some piece of jewelry for every anniversary) and over the years she’s amassed a considerable jewelry collection. I think I’m going to reset one of her diamonds to use as an engagement ring, since neither I nor the Mr. have enough money to spend on a new one and I like the idea of using a family ring. When I visited her recently she laid out all of her rings to let me look at them. I loved a small, delicate little diamond, but when I admired it she dismissed it as “not worth much” and kept trying to push me towards some of the bigger ones. It’s interesting to me how the size and price of a diamond can be so important to some people – more important than the authority to make your own decision, sometimes.
My mother got her jewelry expectation from my grandmother, an old southern debutante if there ever was one. For her 25th wedding anniversary, my grandfather bought her the biggest diamond I’ve ever seen outside of a museum. It cost him half a year’s salary or something. Anyway, the ring is so big and so eye-catching that it made her very nervous to wear it, so she had an exact replica made with CZ. For the rest of her life she wore the CZ about twice as much as she wore the actual diamond. If this doesn’t sum up some of the absurdity of the Diamond Olympics-type thinking, I don’t know what does.
November 11, 2010 5:38 pm
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This is a very interesting topic.
My own engagement ring is a family heirloom– came from my fiance’s great-grandfather’s tie-pin, which his mother had re-set in a rather large, modern-art-y, avant-garde-y, type ring. It’s too big for my left ring finger, and so I wear it on my third finger; and even then, it’s a bit loose.
We’ve been waiting a very long time to get it reset, because more important life-related things get in the way: money needed to travel to academic conferences to give papers and to see friends, and to drive me to and from various academic fellowships requiring residency. To say nothing of various paperwork. Plus, my mom-in-law tried to bribe me by telling me that she’d front the money for the ring (she could have been polite enough to not tell me to my face!), and I had to tell her that I could wait and that we could handle this ourselves. I also put it away for safe-keeping, saying that I wouldn’t wear it until we were ready to have it re-set.
I still don’t have that ring reset, but that’s okay. While I do look forward to it, it’s more than okay. I went back and forth on that ring, trying to wrestle with what it actually meant versus what advertising and all that tripe says that it means. There are a lot of self-worth-type issues entangled in perceptions of what a diamond engagement ring symbolizes that I had to sort through. And I was not helped by people hearing of my engagement thinking that they had a right to grab my left hand, because they “wanna see the ring!” Not having the ring at first upset me more than I cared to admit, and that confused, annoyed, and embarrassed me.
But not having the ring right away taught me a few things about being engaged, and about myself: that one wrestles with enough baggage about self-hood when engaged. One doesn’t need any ring to therefore feel engaged. I also realized that I’d rather have the man who drove me all the way to Madison, WI from Philadelphia PA to give a paper at a conference, and so we could see friends and family in Chicago. You can’t put a market value on stuff like that. Furthermore, I thought of a worst-case scenario: what if I’d gotten my ring, and I got mugged and it got stolen? What would I have then? The answer: still a whole hell of a lot.
I’ve taken to wearing the ring again, just as it is. I have to take it off while I’m working, given that it doesn’t allow me to type my usual 100wpm with any real ease. But, as my fiance so wisely tells me, I should see it as a symbol of things to come, and not “stuff that’s yet to get done.”
And so I do.
November 12, 2010 7:38 am
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Great post! I unfortunately had most of my diamond olympics experience at the family dinner table with my (three!) sister-in-laws, who all have huge honkin personally designed diamond rings. And here I was with my antique simple pearl ring that my now husbands grandmother’s ring. And I loved it- and I still love it as much. And though I had to diffuse some faux-pity from some naysayers early on, I am so glad I am not a competitor in the diamond olympics. It must get terribly tiring…
November 13, 2010 5:42 am
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I love this discussion! As a fellow women and gender studies major, I recognize some of the internal struggles that occur. And for a full disclaimer, I can be materialistic and sometimes find myself wanting to keep up with the Jones’s or at least have something pretty and sparkly to keep myself distracted.
I am engaged so I don’t yet have the wedding band, instead I have my fiance’s grandmother’s engagement ring which has sapphires and diamonds. I love it, and wear it proudly, and feel confident that I will continue to do so even after married since it is a family heirloom. However I am looking forward to the day when I have the choice of if I want to wear just my wedding band or if I want to wear both.
I like having a clear signifier that I am part of a loving happy relationship in which we have chosen to make a commitment to each other. I also love that it functions to let people know that I’m not really interested in them hitting on me. Ironically though, for some reason my ring has stopped “working” lately. People don’t really remark upon it anymore, and if they do it’s often a man who asks if it’s my birthstone, when I respond that it’s my engagement ring they no longer feel the need to discuss jewelry with a stranger!
November 15, 2010 9:37 am
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There is a bird species in which the male creates an elaborate display of found items on the forest floor, to show the females that he is so well-fed, and taken care of, that he can afford the time to make this unnecessary decor happen.
I figure that’s a bit akin to the engagement ring.
A friend of mine lives in Indiana, in a working-class social scene, and no one she knows has an engagement ring, or a ‘romantic proposal’ story. Unless you count lying in bed together as romantic. Which it is, but it isn’t a sunset-on-the-beach version of romantic. (& the implication was that they were lying there sated, post-coitus) ;p
I have channel-set multi colored sapphires for an engagement band. Looks more like an anniversary or wedding band, perhaps. So that’s my opt-out. I’ve never been a diamond girl, so I’m really happy with what I have. Might do Moissanite stones in my wedding band, just to have super sparkle. ;p
(& I love that it doesn’t catch on anything!!!)
A friend of mine used to work in the Federal government in DC, at a place where most [if not all?] of the employees would have a Masters in Public Policy. Apparently there were some Serious Rocks there. I hadn’t heard it called Diamond Olympics till this post, but that is the situation I thought of upon reading! ;p
November 15, 2010 1:15 pm
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Oh, and I love the “hands off” signifier. Being ‘chatted up’ can get really old. ;p
November 15, 2010 1:28 pm
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I’m a new reader of this blog, and this post couldn’t have been more perfectly timed for me. I also only want to wear a wedding band once I’m married, but no one I talk to seems to understand this point of view at all, so it was really great to hear it. Part of it is philosophical and part of it is practical and part of it is that my mother only wears a wedding band, as with most of the women I knew growing up, so it does not seem automatic to me that a married woman wears an engagement ring, in fact my default picture is that of just a band.
The philosophical part is that I would rather the visible ring be the one that represents actually getting married. That being said, I never thought I would want an engagement ring at all, and I find I’m quite happy that I have one afterall – there is something to the idea of symbols that remind us of intangible things in our lives, like commitment. I like having the physical reminder that we are planning to get married. However, I think once it has served that purpose I would rather the reminder be that we are married.
The practical part is that I don’t like my hands being hindered by a stone that sticks out and gets caught on things and I have to protect. I know this depends on the ring, and mine is larger (though not diamond by request) than I would have picked for myself. No criticism intended to my fiancee – I know and appreciate that a lot of care and effort went into his selection, and I definitely think that at least some men feel like they have to live up to their responsibility, real or imagined. Also, I’ve very self-conscious of being ostentatious – I guess it’s the opposite of the diamond olympics – so I worry about being more glitzy than my peers in certain circumstances.
I mostly just wanted to say thank you for the post – it’s really nice to not feel alone in opinions about weddings. It was nice to be able to share some of my thoughts that are in the same vein as well.
November 15, 2010 2:16 pm
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[...] post is inspired by this conversation, which recently took place over at A Practical [...]
November 17, 2010 9:24 pm
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That was such an interesting take on engagement rings,
We exchanged gifts when we got engaged – I also felt uncomfortable with the idea of a ring feeling like a ‘marker’ and as I don’t wear rings normally it just felt wrong. I suggested that if I wear a ring, he wear one too, that gave us something to talk around and we were so much happier to give each other something else that had meaning for us.
What was really liberating was a few months later, it occurring to us that were able to ask each other – “Shall we have wedding rings?” We’ve decided yes, for similar reasons as us as not having engagement rings.
APW really hits on how much it means to negotiate a wedding and marriage in an environment where nothing has to be taken for granted and its possible to build it all up gradually. Thanks for the blog and the community who make it up, I love it when I dip in!
November 18, 2010 2:13 pm
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