When Megan emailed me, she said this, "I follow you, Maggie Mason and Heather Armstrong pretty regularly, and after all of the posts about life lists, I finally decided to get inspired and get after it. One item I really felt strongly about was getting my wedding on paper." So, just for starters, I pondered making out with her and being her best friend. But it just so happens that she's not just a flatterer who I'm totally on the same page with, she also wrote a wedding graduate post that totally ripped my heart out and left me a weepy puddle on the floor, reminding me exactly why I write about weddings in the first place. No, I'm not exaggerating. I still cry about wedding graduates sometimes, even after two and a half years. So first, I made Megan vow to start blogging again so we could all read her. And second, this one is for Paul. I raise my glass to you, and your clearly f*cking brilliant, wonderful wife:
Sure, I’ll be honest. I began planning my wedding before I was even out of the womb. From the dress, to the walk down the aisle with my dad, to the entire town of guests, to my first dance, to the party favors– it was all orchestrated (in my head) like a master card commercial directed by Donna Reed. But then things changed.
Paul proposed two weeks before Christmas. Two months later, my father lost his year long battle to cancer. The timing sucked, and rightfully so, this devastating event left us all exhausted and grieving. Though I’d looked forward to planning a wedding all of my life, for months following my father’s death it felt difficult and awkward to even attempt to muster excitement about doing so. Conversely, I also didn’t want to put off my wedding simply because I wasn’t in the “planning mood.” Paul had seen me through the most difficult year of my life, and I was ready to officially begin our journey together.
So, with the exception of one or two contributions (Okay, okay, four. Four contributions), Paul planned our wedding.
Bear with me while I quickly set the scene for this arrangement:
My (now!) husband and I are, well, VERY different. He’s a pacific islander (born and raised in Tonga) and fully embodies the spirit of the islander. “Laid back” doesn’t even begin to describe it. In contrast, I’m a landlocked Montana girl who would plan my own surprise birthday party if people would let me. By that I mean I would actually LEAD guests in the birthday song if no one appeared to be making it happen. In every task we’re presented as a couple, from the significant to the nominal, he prefers to simply let things play out; to “see how it goes,” if you will. I lean towards a more commandant approach.
Given that information, it came as a surprise to some (hi, Mom!) that I was willing to give up control and hand the reins over to Paul. Sure, I fought back a grand mal seizure when my husband said we didn’t have a guest list, but it got easier. No limo? Who needs it?! We have a minivan. No flowers? No problem, we’re in Hawaii! No rehearsal? Okay. No band or DJ? I guess that’s fine. No party favors? WE DON’T NEED PARTY FAVORS!!! (Deep breath.)
So what did I do to contribute to the day? I bought two plane tickets to Hawaii (where the majority of my husband’s family lives), invited our closest friends and family, rented a big beach house that I hoped we could fill with anyone willing to come that far, and said a Hail Mary that at the end of the day, Paul and I would end up husband and wife.
Other than that, I really left it up to him. On the morning of our wedding, I woke up, showered, put on my make up, did my hair, slipped on my dress ($150 bucks, online), grabbed the bouquet my mom put together for me with flowers purchased the day before at a grocery store (contribution #2!) and said, “I’m set."
(A quick side note: I LOVED my dress. But the online experience, albeit convenient, ended up being fairly lame. I was by myself when it arrived on a dreary November day, and of course I tried it on RIGHT THEN AND THERE, which resulted in my “say yes to the dress” moment happening while standing on my bed, bent over at the waist in an attempt to get a full view in my dresser mirror.)
At noon, a group of friends and family (who filled the beach house, by the way!), all walked down to the beach for some pre-wedding photos, which were snapped by an amateur (but very CHEAP!) photographer that I actually found on the internet about a month before the wedding (contribution #3!). When we’d gotten enough shots, we walked back to the house, had a beer or two to kill some extra time, and then took off in a caravan of cars to the church. (Paul and I led the way in our rented mini-van.)
I was fairly quiet on the way to the church as I pondered how this whole thing might come together. With the exception of my few contributions, I’d put the entire day in the hands of Paul and his very traditional Tongan family. To add to my brewing anxiety, Paul’s parents had never met my parents.
(Sidenote #2: The fact that our parents had never met is very strange, I know. But when “soon to be” in-laws are thousands of miles apart - both literally and culturally speaking - it’s difficult to set up a meeting time. Now, had I been in charge, they might have met at something called a rehearsal dinner…but I wasn’t in charge, remember? Needless to say, this added to my already brewing panic.)
Secretly, I wondered and worried if I’d be able to hide any disappointment I thought I was bound to feel by not having things go exactly as I’d always imagined. Already, I’d lost that special “moment” when the bride sees the groom for the first time by the casual way Paul and I had accidentally run in to each other in the hallway of the beach house just hours earlier. I’d confessed this concern to my mother the day before; I knew she had also struggled with the potential replacement of “our” traditions with Paul’s family traditions. Would I regret this later, I asked? Would I always wish I’d done it my way? She calmly grabbed my shoulders and whispered, “It will be glorious. It will be just as it should be.” She trusted him. I decided to follow suit.
When I walked into the church (for the second time in my life), I fought back tears as I took in the entire scene. There were flowers, and traditional Tongan tapa clothes lined the floor like royal rugs. The “pre-wedding” music (that, in a last ditch effort to garner control, I had thrown onto a CD) was piping through the sound system of the church (contribution #4!). There were bows on the end of the pews. The reception area was completely set up and more than 40 of my fiancé’s relatives were there to greet us warmly with welcoming smiles.
Before I knew it, Paul and I (and the couple standing up for us) were decked out in traditional Tongan wedding gear. I met our ring barer (surprise!) seconds before we walked down the aisle (who was basically the cutest kid EVER). I met our vocalist (surprise!), whom I later learned had been part of the Hawaiian Opera Theater. (There are no words to describe how good she was.) Then the music started, and it was show time.
Though it was a bittersweet moment without my father, my stepfather of twenty five years walked me down the aisle – and I was so happy to have him by my side. While we walked toward the front of the church, I thought to myself, “Holy shit. Paul pulled it off. He really did it. This is it.” My closest friends and family were surrounding me, the man of my dreams who’d made it all happen was waiting for me at the end of the aisle, and everything was just as it was supposed to have been. Paul and his family had given me the most wonderful wedding I could have ever imagined. THIS was the moment that mattered.
After we kissed, Bob Marley piped through the church stereo as guests congratulated us with flower leis. The reception followed the ceremony and included a full spread of Polynesian food, a cake that was completely made and decorated by my husband’s aunt, and young girls in traditional Tongan attire who danced in our honor. My quiet husband even stood up to brave a few teary words, which he delivered in both Tongan and English.
The wedding and reception were over by early evening. Because it all took place in the church, there was no alcohol, so by the end of the day many of us were ready to put up our feet and toss one back. The sixteen friends and family who were there when the day began joined us for a mai tai at a beach side bar at the hotel where Paul and I were staying for the night. The Hawaiian trio playing mellow island tunes at the bar offered us a dance while others – friends and strangers alike – looked on. Turns out I got my first dance, after all.
When our friends decided to head back to the beach house for the evening, I gave each of my girlfriends one of the leis I’d been showered with by Paul’s family immediately following the ceremony. Turns out I got my party favors, too.
On January 1st, my husband and I will celebrate our one year anniversary. When people ask me about my wedding day, I tell them that despite being unable to take credit for nearly all of it, there isn’t one thing that I would have changed.
So, thank you to my husband, Paul, for planning our wedding. It was nothing like I’d pictured it to be all of my life. It was better.
Photos by: Kim Sinton
Holy cow! I’ve known Megan since she was a little girl. My daughter & boyfriend were at the wedding! I know all the details about the wedding, I’ve seen the pictures & I’m STILL a weeping mess! Megan, you have a real gift! Keep writing.
December 15, 2010 8:48 am
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Thank you, as someone who obsesses over every detail and plans the fun out of things, your courage in letting go, and seeing how wonderful things can be (even when they are out of your hands) is a great lesson.
And, stunning dress, can I ask where you scored that beauty?
December 15, 2010 8:51 am
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Megan, here’s to you for checking off a life list item – getting your wedding on paper – in such a truly inspired way! Cheers! Plus, just look how many people you have touched by doing something you wanted to do? (me included! such an incredible grad post! fortunately nodding emphatically while tearing up helps shake them off your face!)
I also wanted to echo the comment that your wedding seems to say so so much about marriage itself, beyond the wedding, and you and Paul must’ve had quite a good first year of that, no? Happy Anniversary, and best wishes for so many more!
December 15, 2010 8:53 am
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I love everything about this! So incredibly beautiful and moving and…just, wow.
December 15, 2010 8:55 am
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“It will be glorious”….
And indeed it looks and sounds like it most certainly was! What an awesome story of letting go and trusting the process. Your darling husband did a wonderful job – just gorgeous… Congrats and Happy Happy on your upcoming anniversary.
December 15, 2010 9:04 am
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Holy cow everyone, thanks so much for the awesome comments. I was nervous about submitting but now I’m like, SUUUUUUPER glad I did. :) Thanks for showing the love!
Chantelle – Dillards online! Doesn’t look like it’s still there but there are quite a few like it. Check it out here: http://www.dillards.com/endeca/EndecaStartServlet?splashlink=header_wapparel&N=1000894+2010541+4294959922
December 15, 2010 9:09 am
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Thank you!
December 15, 2010 9:15 am
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This made me cry.
I, too, lost my father, though several years ago, and there are definitely days planning our wedding when I think, I can’t do this. I can’t plan this celebration that he is not going to attend. Then I usually get over it, but I have found the whole process to be bittersweet.
I worry sometimes that on the day I will get caught up in grief. So it’s wonderful to see just how overwhelmingly joyous your wedding was … And now I’m crying again.
Congratulations!!
December 15, 2010 9:12 am
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Reading about Megan and Paul’s wedding made me so happy. Obviously they’re a very loving couple who overcame some major obstacles to have a beautiful, fun wedding day full of love and family and friends. It’s a great way to say that even though things might not work out the way you think they will, just being with people who love and support you can make all the difference.
December 15, 2010 9:14 am
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I love this. A girl I know had her heart set on a beach wedding about an hour from home but some really messed up stuff went down with the property rental and she lost the venue. After vendors had already been paid and planning was well underway. She was heartbroken and so done with planning and her husband took over and found a spot and planned their destination wedding. It was so sweet!
December 15, 2010 9:24 am
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This is my favorite wedding graduate post ever. Happy early anniversary! You sound like you are incredibly blessed to have each other, and I wish you many more years of happiness.
December 15, 2010 9:25 am
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Meg, if this one hadn’t dissolved you into a puddle of tears, I would’ve wanted to know if you were feeling alright.
Megan & Paul – congratulations on almost 1 year. Your wedding was absolutely beautiful and it made me weepy, even though I don’t know either of you. :)
December 15, 2010 9:38 am
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Yep tears….at work….in my cubicle. Much love to you, Megan, and Paul – this is what its all about. “Together – you can do anything!!” even if that means letting your partner lead the dance…
December 15, 2010 9:45 am
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This was such a lovely post to read. It looks so wonderfully informal. Flipflops… I hope my wedding ends up something like that. I mean, not exactly like that, obviously, not in Hawaii, etc. But you all look so happy and relaxed. I’m so nervous mine will end up all stiff and formal. I love your dress — it looks comfortable and danceable in and it looks good!
The cloths you and your husband were wearing around your middles are beautiful — could you tell us more about them? I’d love to hear more about the traditional Tongan dancing as well, but describing dances never works.
December 15, 2010 10:03 am
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@CARREG,
Thanks for reading! The wraps are traditional Tongan lava lavas. Paul’s mom put them together for us…aren’t they cool? The traditional dancing was great too. That girl who danced (who is basically, like, the cutest girl EVER) was so sweet…she has sticky stuff on her arms and people come up and stick money to her (sounds strange, but so perfect!). I actually joined in and gave her a twenty, but then when she was done they gathered up all the money and gave it to us! Paul’s family was so amazing and generous. It was the best day and I’m so honored to have been able to share it with everyone! Thanks for reading!!!
December 15, 2010 12:15 pm
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Wonderful post Megan and I’m going to sit on the *I love Paul* couch too, so move over ladies. It sounds like it was a perfect day!
December 15, 2010 10:05 am
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This is a wonderful reminder of what a marriage is really about – it’s about having someone who picks up all your pieces when you can’t, and puts them back together just the way you never knew you wanted.
December 15, 2010 10:37 am
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Someone needs to needlepoint that on a pillow.
December 15, 2010 9:22 pm
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Haha if only I were so crafty.
December 15, 2010 11:45 pm
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Megs, I will always be so sorry to have missed this day — but SO grateful for your recounting of it!!! I had no idea Paul did so much (although it doesn’t surprise me in the least). Thank you for letting all of us be a part of it (even those of us who were invited but too broke to go, wah waaaaaaah). One love!
December 15, 2010 11:19 am
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Oh gosh, this post made me say out loud, “YOU GUYS, I LOVE LOVE!!!” (Not sure who the “you guys” I was addressing were, since I’m by myself at home… maybe the entire APW community at large?)
Megan, thank you so much for sharing your wedding for us. The trust and love that shines through your words and pictures truly takes my breath away!
December 15, 2010 11:39 am
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I totally know what you mean about loving love! :)
December 15, 2010 12:34 pm
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Jim wouldn’t need his red pen for this entry…perfect, Meggie…perfect.
December 15, 2010 11:46 am
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Love this! Love Paul! Amazing!
December 15, 2010 11:58 am
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Oh my, that made my eyes well up as well. Congratulations!
December 15, 2010 12:02 pm
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I think I may have just fallen in love with Paul a little. Thanks for sharing, this story really made my day!
December 15, 2010 1:19 pm
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What a gorgeous lesson in trust! I have the worst time letting go and trusting others to get things done.
I have been fairly nervous about meeting my fiance’s family, which will likely happen at the wedding. The last time I saw any of them was 23 years ago, and even though we have been together for years, our parents have never met. It’s nice to know that it could still work out just fine.
December 15, 2010 1:46 pm
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I love this verra verra much Megs. So honored to call you guys friends. Well done on all counts.
December 15, 2010 1:52 pm
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Oh gosh, the tears! It’s 9.30 in the morning here! What an inspiring, thoughtful and positive way to start my day – thankyou so much Megan.
December 15, 2010 2:29 pm
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Whooo boy, that was a great wedding graduate post! I cried a bit when I read that last line. I would say this should be recommended reading for all type A engaged ladies!
December 15, 2010 3:08 pm
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This place is getting to be like the Oprah Show–tears all the time! Argh! APW and you brilliant women, how you speak to MY SOUL!
Megan, your knack for writing is second best only to your hubby’s knack for wedding planning. Oh, and your ability to just let go. Thanks for being such a wonderful, honest role model. Congratulations on your anniversary, and a gazillion more to come with that amazing hubby of yours!
December 15, 2010 3:48 pm
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Awwwww *sniffle*
I almost never get teary, but the last line…
When it comes down to it, this is what all our mad planning is about. THIS – this joy, this sense of family – is what we are looking for, but know we can’t force it to happen on cue, can’t put it on a to-do list, can’t build it from the craft store, can’t order it online, can’t find a vendor for it, can’t invite it. So we run around worrying about stationery and centrepieces in the hope that if we build a bright nest, it will come!
December 15, 2010 4:16 pm
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This is so beautiful! Every bit!
December 15, 2010 4:18 pm
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Can I marry you both? Great piece Megan… you wrote from the heart, and you wrote from experience—job well done! -Nicolae
December 15, 2010 5:33 pm
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So, so heartwarming.
December 15, 2010 6:07 pm
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This really was such an excellent post – both in form and content – win! Congratulations Megan and Paul! What a beautiful wedding and Megan, great, great job staying focused on the good stuff and helping to create a beautiful experience. Cheers!
December 15, 2010 7:10 pm
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So wonderful!
December 15, 2010 7:46 pm
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Somehow I missed this yesterday but I am so warm fuzzy over it. What a fantastic reminder to my over-anxious personality! (Also, Montana in the hizz-ouse!)
Beautiful.
December 16, 2010 4:59 am
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THANK YOU FOR WRITING!!!
my partner and I are so different, like you and your adorable husband. I needed to read this post and to see your pictures and see how beautiful and meaningful it can be to give that control to another and swim in the trust.
December 16, 2010 8:33 am
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Wow. I cried. And not in my usual sappy wedding grad, oh it’s so beautiful and heartwarming and loving love ( :-) Sharon ) sort of way. In the way I usually do after a really good movie/book. The kind that you get soo invested in, because you feel like you’ve known the characters forever and want the world for them. The kind where things are really hard, but then there are rays of light, and then wonderful things happen, and then The End.
And thanks for the lessons to us planners that it will be OK if you let go. What I really got was that as much as I read this and think (because I’m one of those martyr control freaks who can get stuck in thinking she to do everything), “I want a Paul! Oh how great to stop planning because I don’t really want to, I just feel compelled to…,” I realized the tremendous leap of faith involved in actually letting go like that. Bravo to you for doing just that! It’s such an inspiration. :)
December 16, 2010 10:55 am
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I know exactly how you feel, Meg! I teared up reading this post. What an amazing journey! Thank you for sharing.
December 16, 2010 10:55 am
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Paul is a keeper. No doubt about it. Beautiful wedding.
December 16, 2010 11:59 am
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Pardon me while I cry my frickin’ eyes out, this was that beautiful!
December 16, 2010 2:36 pm
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Ahh I love her dress. Does anyone know where it is from?
December 16, 2010 8:32 pm
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Cass, I got it online at Dillards.com (for 150 bucks!). I just looked and the don’t have that exact one bud they still have a few like it. The brand name is Adrianna Papelle…search womens/special occasions/wedding dresses…the run true to size. Hope this helps, and thanks for reading!
December 16, 2010 9:47 pm
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Freaking AWESOME!
December 18, 2010 11:29 am
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Megan, What a unique story of a beautiful wedding for a great couple!
December 18, 2010 9:59 pm
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Hi its erica , you are soooo pretty!
I cant wait to see you again!your the awesomest 2nd cousin ive ever had!!
you are so pretty,nice,awesome and cool!!!
i totally look up to you!!
paul,
you are super duper cool and awesome !!! Your the best man in the history of men!!!!!!!!!
I cant stand the wait to see you again!
~Erica~
December 19, 2010 12:36 pm
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Add me to the list of criers…I love this one.
December 19, 2010 10:30 pm
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Brilliant! Love this. So many congratulations to the couple.
(and condolences on the loss of her father.)
December 21, 2010 3:19 am
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I love that getting your wedding on paper is on your life list – it’s on mine too. I’ve never cried over a graduate post, but I was pretty close to losing it on this one. What a lovely story and lesson in trust. Congratulations!
December 21, 2010 3:44 pm
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Such a beautiful post. I’ve been reading this blog for a couple of months now and reading this entry brought me to tears. As a Tongan, it was beautiful to see the tradition of this interracial couple and the smiling faces of the party. I applaud and admire the work of Paul and the strong connection between the two of you. This is the perfect guideline for me as I take my step with my significant other (who also isn’t Tongan) and introduce him to a strong culture and begin our story.
January 11, 2011 1:30 pm
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OMG, Malia! Thanks for writing….I haven’t checked back on this thing for a few weeks and I’m so excited to tell Paul! I am literally IN LOVE with my husband’s culture. For our one year anniversary he got me a book called BECOMING TONGAN and another book that was an English-Tongan dictionary. PRICELESS.
Ofa atu!
January 11, 2011 5:46 pm
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What a beautiful story. It is good to see not having complete control turning out so well. Gives me hope, since I just gave control away (some).
My fiancee and I have not introduced our parents yet; they will probably meet the day before the wedding. Of course, my mother lives in Florida and we are in Oregon, so we just haven’t really had the chance. I figure, since my mother has met him and his has met me, we are doing pretty good. The will meet each other in Vegas this November.
January 30, 2011 10:00 am
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Megan,
Your story is beautiful, and moved me to tears! truly! Your guy is heaven sent – and now I’ve started reading your blog too, and am so happy to find your about to become a mum!! yay you!!!!! (and Paul)
i have a totally shallow question to ask though – where did you get your dress!!! I love it!!!!!!
Louise :)
Australia
August 5, 2011 10:35 pm
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Louise –
I got my dress at dillards online…not sure if that one is still there or not but the brand was Adrianna Papell…less than $200 bucks though, so a pretty good deal in all!
Love that we’re connecting from Australia! Yeah!
October 4, 2011 11:42 am
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February 4, 2012 4:59 pm
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