It’s a brand new year, which means a lot of brand new engagements (Hi Leigh Ann, congratulations!), which means a lot of head space devoted to picking wedding dates. Earlier this week we talked about off-season weddings (because they save you so much money), and today we’re talking about picking wedding dates, and the inevitable conflict that comes with the territory. It’s hard to pick a wedding date that works for everyone, and it’s not uncommon to find out that the date you were shooting for is a problem, in one way or another. When that happens, what do you do? Well, lucky for us, it’s Ask Team Practical Friday, and Alyssa is here with her always sage (and hilarious) advice.
We talked before about starting to set dates, but what happens when you set a date and then you run into a snag with guests or your wedding party? That’s what our brides Desiree and L. are facing.
Desiree writes:
My fiance and I finally decided on a date that worked for us. He is a touring musician and he leaves at the beginning of July so we decided on June 11th to give us some reconnecting and set up time before the wedding and to give us some marital bliss time before he’s off again. Plus, I really like the number 11. I feel like the number looks like two people standing side by side. (I know that is cheesy). [Editors Note: Is not.]
Anyway, I told my Maid of Honor (who is my closest friend for 20yrs) our date. She said that her daughter’s last day of school is on the 10th so it might be a little tricky but she could make it work. Her situation is amplified by the fact that she is moving at the end of June so she is worried about being there for her 7 yr old daughter on her last day with her friends. But she assured me she could make it work.
So my fiance and I continued to tell people via word of mouth our date. And as time went on and I talked to her about the wedding she would gently bring up her concern over not making it to the rehearsal dinner. I told her that I understood if she couldn’t make it and that being there the day of was enough.
Well, we are only 5 months away from the wedding date and she tells me that her daughter’s recital is the day after my wedding which is going to make it even more difficult for her to be there for me. She also said that if there was any flexibility on the date she would be so happy because she really wants to be there for me.
I understand and empathize with her situation. She is a great friend and I know she wants to be there and she even said she would fly out for just the day. I want her to be there too but it isn’t very realistic. Unless we change the date…. Do we change our date?
If we don’t change it I am afraid I will be sad she isn’t there and I squelched her opportunity to be. Am I being a bad friend and selfish if we do have the opportunity and we still don’t change the date? I am already tired of having to consider and juggle so many outside factors to do something so personal as get married. It is reeeaalllyy stressing me OUT and making me a little bitter! HELP PLEASE!
L has a similar situation:
I am of the “pre-engaged” set, my guy and I have been dating for 4 years and my ring is being made right now and I am just (im)patiently waiting for it. I’ve already bought my dress. [Editors Note: Babydoll, you know you're getting married and you've bought a dress? You're engaged. You're just waiting for a ring. Own it.] We’ve picked a venue and we were really hoping to have our wedding 9/15/12. It’s a good time for an outdoor wedding where we live, and our anniversary is the 15th of June, his parents is the 15th of December, and my birthday is the 15th of August. Just an all around great number. Anyway, none of our friends know about any of this.
One of his close friends got engaged this past fall and we found out last night that they are hoping to get married 9/8/12. No date has been set yet, but that’s the date they’re looking to book. Out of allllll the dates in a 2 year span, that’s the one they picked. I’m really, really bummed. I acted like a baby and started crying when I found out. I don’t know what to do. I wouldn’t mind not having it the 15th — I’d be OK with the following couple weeks but the further we push it, it will get colder and colder and then our lovely outdoor wedding will not be fun/we’d have to spend more money on heat lamps. But isn’t the entire month of September “out” now, anyway? Their wedding will be a car ride away/night in hotel and so will ours (for all our mutual friends — probably 8 friends total). And I don’t want to “steal their thunder” especially since they got engaged first [Editors note: Again? They went public with their engagement first is all. We're splitting hairs here.] We can’t really say anything to them about it, especially since we’re “not engaged” and I don’t want to seem like a b*tch. I’m just so bummed. What would you do?
Ok, all: say it with me. You should only change your date if it benefits you or your partner first, and everyone else second. And by everyone else, I mostly mean your parents. Period. The End. Fin.
Okay, first, go read this post on how your wedding is not an imposition.
Done? Good. Now you have to believe it.
Your wedding really and truly needs to be on the day that works best for you and your partner. (With input from important family members in there too.) No one deserves a wedding month. Seriously, they don’t. As Meg says, “Your wedding is not an international event.” If a guest has two events close together, they’re going to have to deal with it and get over it. If it’s that big of a deal, they can choose to not come.
If you are running into scheduling issues after having deciding on a date, look at who your wedding date is burdening or inconveniencing.
You or your partner? Change the date. Probably. [Meg's Note: We booked our wedding date, and then David changed law schools, meaning he had to miss the first week of his new law school for our honeymoon. We didn't change the date. It was fine. Weddings are a great excuse for lots of things.] If another major event comes up that makes Date A hard to handle, you can consider changing to Date B, if it’s going to cause added stress on your wedding day.
Your parents, parental figures, siblings? Think about changing it. And if they are contributing to your budget in any way, seriously consider changing it. (Also, your in-laws are included in this category. They are your partner’s parents. Respect that.)
VERY close friends? How are you going to feel if they genuinely can’t make it? If the answer is “It would hurt,” then think about changing it. Just THINK about it, though. Maybe this is the kick in the pants you need to realize that while your wedding is important, it won’t stop the world from turning for a day, much as we might wish it to.
Friends, acquaintances, co-workers or distant relatives are the ones having a problem with your date? Don’t change it. They can send a card.
So, sure, saying that’s all well and good. However, the problem doesn’t lie in deciding (or not deciding) to go with a date, but when L’s bride friend finds out that she is having a wedding shortly after hers, or when Desiree tells her best friend she just can’t change the day for her.
In your case L, if the bride complains about your wedding date, make sure you acknowledge her issue. Sometimes the soon-to-wed think they deserve all the attention on them, because, well, that’s what they’ve been told to expect. And honestly, we should feel for them in a “I know you’re under a lot of stress” kind of way (and because all of us have our moments). Even a laid-back bride might get stressed at the thought of having a friend’s wedding very close to theirs, so just put yourself in her shoes and be as patient as you’d like someone to be with you. Make it clear that you don’t expect people to choose, but if they do so, it’s the guests’ decision and not yours.
Be sympathetic about the timing, but not apologetic. You’re not DOING anything to them. You’re doing what’s best for you and your partner and it unfortunately happens to conflict with what’s best for them and their partner. If you’re old enough to be married, you’re old enough to deal with minor disappointments.
And this is optional, but if it helps, tell them the reason you picked the date. Especially if there is a pressing reason that necessitates that date, such as your venue is booked up, you or your partner is shipping out, you’re knocked up and you want to get married sooner to keep Grandma’s head from exploding… It might make the other bride feel a little better if she knew there was thought put into it. If she freaks out, don’t worry about it too much. A) She will calm down with time and B) We do not reward bad behavior…
If any of those eight overlapping friends complain, just shrug. No justification is needed. Sometimes life is complicated and they need to deal with it.
Desiree, in your case, you’ve already gone through all you could with your friend. Honestly, the most important part of your email is that you said that you set the date in order to have some marital bliss before your honey goes back on the road. That’s enough reason right there. It’s wonderful that your friend is trying to be there, but if she can’t, she can’t. She’ll still be your maid of honor, she just won’t be able to be there on your wedding day. Also? She already reassured you that she could make it work and now she can’t, and unfortunately she’ll just have to be a little sad about that. You both should mourn that a bit, but in the end it’s your continuing friendship that’s important.
If you stick to your guns AND your date, there are a couple of caveats:
You should always be understanding to guests who cannot come, and recognize that you knew this could happen. Just as people aren’t allowed to throw fits about your date, you can’t throw a fit about them not coming for whatever reason. Even if you had your wedding on a completely isolated day in a very uneventful day, people still might not be able to make it.
Life’s tricky. You can switch your date and then have the same people who couldn’t come to the first date still unable to come to the second. There are no guarantees that changing your date will ultimately fix your dilemma, so keep that in mind if you are changing to appease someone other than yourself or your partner.
And if it turns out that changing your wedding date is what’s best for you, try not to get stuck on a date because of meaning. It’s SUPER sweet, but celebrating your anniversary is about celebrating your marriage. Even if it doesn’t happen on the anniversary of your first date, it happens. And that’s what makes the date amazing, not numerical symmetry.
Who else has had a date snafu? How’d you work it out, and how did you deal with people who had conflicts?
Thankfully we didn’t have many people who had issues with our date. We had actually taken into consideration most people’s schedules (and airfare rates) when setting our date (weekend before Thanksgiving). But there was one person who had an issue with our Sunday wedding that started at 5PM because her surgery day was on Mondays (and like 90% of our guests, she needed to fly-in). But I took the wise Alyssa’s point of view (even before she posted it…wow, ESP!) and just stuck to my guns, and thankfully that friend was able to make it work anyway. And when the actual wedding weekend came, nobody complained, and actually lots of people complimented us on the date because it allowed people to turn it into a mini-vacation. So do what works for you!
January 28, 2011 4:54 am
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After we got engaged, the first two months we kept the news to ourselves to give us time to enjoy the idea before the wedding chaos started. So when we first told my dad, we already had a date in mind, that fit into very busy work schedules and my complete lack of holiday days. The fact that it was only four months away was visible shocking to my dad at first but when he stopped hyperventilating they realised it made all the sense in the world.
The hardest part was that we had two dates on the invitation because we got married in my home country and had the party the next weekend in our current country of residence. It meant that some people had to miss one or the other for visa/money/time issues which was sad but understandable. The harder part to accept was that some wouldn’t come to either but as Alyssa wisely says “just as people aren’t allowed to throw fits about your date, you can’t throw a fit about them not coming for whatever reason.”
January 28, 2011 5:04 am
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I had always wanted an October wedding. I live in Upstate NY, and foliage peaks right around the 3rd week of October, and the weather is usually warm enough to enjoy it (enjoy it with a light jacket or a sweater, but definitely outside). My birthday is in October, and it’s my favorite month.
However, my husband’s father owns his own business building large display sets for trade shows. Most of his clients are in the airline industry, and the airline industry’s largest, most expensive trade show is in October. It’s so large it can only be held in one of four venues in the country – Atlanta, Orlando, New Orleans*, and Las Vegas* (*up until recently, Las Vegas wasn’t an option, and it hasn’t been back to New Orleans since Katrina, so for a large chunk of time, it could only be in two places).
Anyway, this is a sizeable chunk of their income. Three of their clients have booths at this show, one of the clients being their “major important” client. It’s a lot of work, and his mom, dad, and brother travel to the show and are usually gone for 2 1/2-3 weeks out of the month. In 2010, they left the day after Columbus day and didn’t get back until right before Halloween.
On top of that, my husband’s other bro is a women’s soccer coach at a D-1 college. He was allowed to miss non-conference games for good reason (brother’s wedding? check) but not conference games. The first weekend in October? Conference game. Columbus day weekend would have cut it too close to the show for his parents, and the last weekend in September was homecoming for a major university close to our venue. Every hotel within a 50 mile radius was already booked up.
So. That left two weekends. We knew we were going to go with a Friday, so it left 9/10/10 and 9/17/10. (Unless, that is, we wanted a Labor Day weekend wedding, which we did not.) Husband is from Long Island, and 9/11 really got to him. He nixed 9/10 off the bat, not wanting our anniversary to be “so close” to 9/11. It may sound silly, but as evidenced by the letters, dates and meanings can be important to people, and he wasn’t comfortable with this.
So. 9/17 it was. A full month before I actually wanted to get married. It butted up against a professional conference I was scheduled to attend (we ended up parlaying it into a longer honeymoon, as we were initially only going to take a long weekend). It was also, I found out after we booked the venue, 2 days before the wedding of my cousin’s dear friend. My uncle and the bride’s father are neighbors, and my cousin and this friend were in each other’s weddings. When I found this out, I started to panic. “Maybe we should think about the last weekend in August? Or maybe we should buck up and choose 9/10? Or maybe Friday of Labor Day weekend might be nice for people (even though for a large portion of our guests, this would be the second wedding on a holiday weekend that year, and the THIRD for Husband and I) …”
Then, husband told me to STOP. Because, really, we couldn’t do this any more. Any date may or may not have conflicts. Some conflicts are worse than others, and some people you really need to be there. But life happens in the midst of this, anyway, and can cause someone important to not be there, either, for one reason or another.
January 28, 2011 5:04 am
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Irisira, I know how your hubby feels about 9/10 being too close. I grew up an hour away from NYC down in Jersey. That date has seriously scarred me and I love the number 9. It’s my numerology number and to me my lucky number. It also made me feel like September is completely out of my options because of it all. Growing up I was fascinated by 9 and 5. I consider them both lucky numbers and was obsessed with getting married on those days, Sept 5th or May 9th. Sept 5th is even too close for comfort for me, but maybe me having a Sept. day can help me re-own it and bring happiness to Sept just like the winter weddings can give happiness during the dreary cold part of the year.
Although I too am an October baby and love the month dearly.
January 28, 2011 8:26 am
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We’re going to be anniversary twins–my fiance and I just chose 9/17/11, over 9/10/11–which IS a cute date, but as NY-ers too, it was too close to 9/11 to feel right. (It also had bad numerology for us, but my inner astrology/numerology hippy is too deeply closeted to disclose that.)
January 28, 2011 10:52 am
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Hooray for date twins!
It’s funny, because the weekend before our wedding (9/11, of course), I happened to be at lunch with my mom and a couple of her friends, and it was a GORGEOUS day. Sunny, warm, amazing. Not unlike that Tuesday in 2001. I can’t remember who, but someone at the table said something about someone they knew going to a wedding that day.
“I’ll bet the bride and groom chose it because they got a killer discount.”
“Why would you say that?” asked my mom.
I looked at her. “What’s today’s date?”
Pause.
“OH. YEAH.”
I then told her, when my husband and I were booking venues, that day was the only one not booked in a sea of Saturdays in surrounding weeks/months. (Another reason we wanted a Friday or a Sunday – we planned in 8 months and most places were all booked up by then.)
January 29, 2011 5:43 am
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9/17/2011 is my wedding date too! It was actually chosen by our reception location- In April 2010 they were fully booked all the way through until that date. The 7 used to bother me, too straight for my tastes, but I’m growing to like it.
January 29, 2011 7:30 am
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Donnie and I wanted a fall wedding, but his brother is about to go off to college on a full-ride football scholarship and it was pointed out to us that if we have the wedding in the fall, he will not be able to make it. So now we’re looking at late spring, which will still be lovely except there will not be sunflowers everywhere, which has been my dream. It’s a small sacrifice to make, though, to have Donnie’s brother there.
But now we’re considering Memorial Day weekend (of 2012). I just can’t figure out if more people will be able to come because it’s a holiday weekend, or if no one will be able to make it because they already have annual plans or something or because travel costs will be through the roof (though most of our people are local or are within driving distance). Has anyone else gotten married end of May?
January 28, 2011 5:13 am
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Hi you! We got married on Memorial Day weekend of 2009 and it ended up working out fabulously for my guests (many who were from out of town… either a long drive or plane ride away). I made sure to get the word out early (via word of mouth around my family & friends initially) so that people knew not to make vacation plans for that weekend if they wanted to come to the wedding. And given that you’re thinking 2012… you have plenty of time to do that! :)
We also held our wedding at a location that worked well for making a mini-vacation out of the wedding weekend for lots of people. (It was a campus-like resort on a lake in WI… with a main lodge area, but also little ‘guest houses’ people could rent for large families, etc.) Because we didn’t invite kids to our wedding (except for my nephews) – we made arrangements for babysitters for those from out of town – so they would still be able to come and bring their children. Most people ended up staying for the entire 3-day weekend and it became a reunion of sorts for my family. It couldn’t have worked out better actually.
So plan away for Memorial Day I say! :) As long as you give people enough advanced notice – they will be able to make it work. And most people liked it even better – because they had an extra day to travel and recover from the wedding by having Monday off of work. :)
Good luck hon!
January 28, 2011 5:42 am
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Thanks Christy! I think this is what we’re going to do! Seems like if we give enough notice with an early Save-the-Date, we’ll be all set. I’m starting the process of checking with some very important people first, making sure they don’t have solid annual plans for Memorial Day Weekend, but then I think we’re going to go for it. :)
January 29, 2011 10:09 am
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I have several friends who did and it worked out well for them! Some families have Memorial Day traditions, though, so keep your friend group in mind.
January 28, 2011 5:51 am
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we actually toyed with memorial day of this year, and when we opted for a different weekend (we have so many travelers and thought the plane fares would be through the roof that weekend), we actually had people questioning why we didn’t do it on that long weekend instead. lesson: you just can’t please everyone. luckily, no one got nasty about it – just turns out they wouldn’t have minded paying more and having perhaps an extra day to spend. And every year on Memorial Day I know lots of people who have weddings. It’s actually a really popular weekend – so i say go for it and start telling people sooner than later!
January 28, 2011 6:10 am
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I was a bridesmaid in a wedding on memorial day weekend 2009, and it went fine, but the bride did tell me she had a lot of people unexpectedly unavailable, apparently because of the holiday weekend. I guess it varies from group to group, so as others have said, maybe check with your vip types to make sure. but it was a lovely time of year for a wedding!
January 28, 2011 6:59 am
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We had a Memorial Day weekend wedding, and I think there were probably more people who couldn’t come because of that (annual family trips, etc) than could, but it’s really a toss-up. For the people who could come, it was nice to give them some extra travel/sight-seeing time.
Funny story, having it on a popular holiday weekend (on a Saturday) makes it somewhat likely that the next year, someone (in our case, my husband’s twin brother) might decide to get married on your anniversary, on the Sunday of the long weekend. If you want a great party for your first anniversary without having to plan anything, it’s a fun perk. :)
We picked the day because it worked best for us and our families, but it just so happened to be two days after my law school graduation (across the country), which also limited the number of my law school friends who were able/willing to make the trip. I think that was the much harder issue in terms of people being unavailable than the holiday weekend.
I say, go for it – it’s a beautiful time of year!
January 28, 2011 8:20 am
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Emily, my husband’s only sibling is getting married a year minus one day after us, and we didn’t even do it on a holiday weekend (July 24th)! We’re actually kind of annoyed, though, at having our first anniversary plans decided for us… but we’ll probably take off the morning after (on our anniversary) and spend a night or two alone, away from all the craziness & big group of people.
Ok, I’m sorry, that sounds rather negative. Attitude check (changing my outlook) time: how great that we’ll be already dressed up & can toast our first anniversary with champagne at midnight! :)
January 28, 2011 5:05 pm
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I know exactly how you feel! I was NOT happy about it, but at this point I’ve resigned myself to it and just plan to have a good time. It does help to joke about it – we keep threatening to have my husband (the best man) thank them in his toast for throwing us such a lovely anniversary party, and even the special reenactment of our ceremony that they did, etc…
January 28, 2011 5:28 pm
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Yes, that comment was kind of my way of forcing myself to accept it. It’ll be nice, anyway, and it also helps that their ceremony & reception will be so very different from ours. Plus we’ve got a bit of practice letting things roll off & not get to us. (Psst, ask me about the time his sister wore a floor-length, grey-so-pale-it-totally-looked-white dress with a white organza wrap to our wedding! ;)
I definitely think your partner should mention the “anniversary party” in his best man speech! But only if everyone knows he’s joking and is actually ok with it, of course!
January 28, 2011 5:49 pm
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We got married on Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, 2010. I don’t think the holiday weekend really changed much for our guests — most of the people who couldn’t make it, it was an issue of travel being hard for them in general because of money, health, or work schedule. They probably wouldn’t have been able to make it on a different weekend, either. And plenty of people did come.
Travel costs weren’t through the roof to our city, because it’s not really a vacation destination. If your wedding is in the Florida Keys or Hawaii or something, travel costs might be an issue that weekend; otherwise it’s probably not going to be a huge difference. And if most of your guests are local or driving-distance, it’s even less of a big deal. Just block your hotel rooms early, if you’re doing that.
I would go ahead and do it (well, obviously!) Bonus: If you have the wedding on Sunday, you might be able to get cheaper rates on venues and catering. A Sunday wedding meant we could have the reception at a local restaurant and pay zero room rental fee — just pay for the food/drinks. It ruled.
January 28, 2011 8:59 am
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You and my fiance are geniuses — I hadn’t even though about that perk but cheaper Sundays is definitely an argument for doing it that weekend. We were talking about wedding dates on the way home from work today and he brought that up. I was blown away! Especially since we’re probably going to get married in a local movie theatre so the rental will definitely be cheaper on a non-Friday/Saturday!
These are a whole lot of swell reasons to do the wedding that weekend, so I think I’ll pass this string of comments on to my fiance and then start looking more seriously at reception venues!
January 28, 2011 3:55 pm
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Be careful of that, though. A lot of venues and caterers have wised to that trick and charge Saturday rates on Sundays of holiday weekends. My cousin did July 4, 2010 (which was a Sunday) and it didn’t save them anything …
January 29, 2011 5:40 am
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We had a Memorial Day weekend wedding. It was really important to us, and has a lot of added perks, like the extra travel day for people, and having an anniversary weekend. There were a couple of people who weren’t able to come, but no one that was integral to the day. Overall it worked out really well for us. I say go for it!
January 28, 2011 1:02 pm
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I’m able to go to a friend’s wedding this year because it’s on Memorial Day weekend, so I only have to take one day off work!
January 28, 2011 2:05 pm
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In 2009 I went to two weddings that were a week apart from each other (the Saturdays directly before and after Thanksgiving). They were for my childhood best friend and my boyfriend’s sister, respectively. I was going to school in NY at the time and both weddings were taking place in PA. I thought it would be /hellish/ trying to go to one wedding, have Thanksgiving with my family and with my BF’s family, and then be in another wedding (I forgot to mention, I was a bridesmaid in the second wedding).
I flew home on Friday night and went to the first wedding Saturday morning, a week later I flew back out the Sunday after the second. I did go to all three Thanksgiving celebrations that there ended up being that year. But you know what? It was actually really great. I saw a ton of friends and family. I had a really relaxing time. I made it to all the preps and rehearsals and everything that I needed to. I didn’t have any time to write the two term papers I had due the week I got back, (but I didn’t really expect there to be any time anyway).
My point is, even if you feel like you’ll be inconveniencing your guests you might actually be doing them a favor. If the weddings had been two weeks apart, there would’ve been no way I could’ve made it to both, either logistically (midterms the week before, term papers and presentations the week after) or financially (flying twice during the weeks surrounding Thanksgiving? I would’ve been hemorrhaging money). So don’t get too caught up on what will probably or probably not work for all your guests; most of the time things tend to work out better than you thought.
January 28, 2011 5:22 am
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I really appreciate Alyssa’s comment about telling folks a reason – being upfront really helps.
I was engaged in October and we set our date in early December (shortly after big brother got engaged, everything went smoothly between organizing our dates).
So we were set for October, and then in January husband’s close cousin got engaged. Just about the next day they were contacting us about how we’d feel about their wedding the saturday after our’s. They share 5 aunts/uncles between them, and while it might have been easier for one uncle coming from overseas to bundle a trip to the states, that’s asking a lot of other relatives.
I won’t go into all the pieces of the drama, but it was there. At the heart of it was the changing circumstances – we never got a straight answer as to why it was so vital – the story changed 3 times as to why they needed it. And suddenly we were considering altering our honeymoon so we could attend, which I was not wild about.
I totally get that a bride doesn’t get a month, and I think the situation would have been much different if there weren’t so many changing reasons – definitely felt like we weren’t being told the whole story. And while it was the two grooms that were family, I was hurt that the other bride never, ever acknowledged the situation. I was in the conversation and included her in correspondence, and nothing in response. It would have gone a LONG way for her to say that she understood where I was coming from since we’re both brides trying to navigate chaos.
We ended up proceeding with our wedding and honeymoon as planned and everyone understood our reason for not making their ceremony. That was definitely the hardness and most stressful part of our planning, and it stretched on for over a month. I really appreciated having friends around to have, “really? Really?” conversations.
We can’t control the calendar, but we can control how we act, and that goes a long way.
January 28, 2011 5:32 am
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“We can’t control the calendar, but we can control how we act, and that goes a long way.”
I think you just came up with my new wedding mantra. Thank you for the wisdom!
January 28, 2011 8:30 am
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For sure – if you have a reason it makes all the difference in the world.
I have to admit I was selfishly slightly bothered that my best friend (I was standing up in the wedding) of 20 years chose to get married on my birthday. For the record, she knows I’m not a big birthday person, but Saturday birthday are few and far between – AND she had zero reason to choose that date. If there had been a good reason it wouldn’t have bothered me, but I was kind of confused why of all the dates she chose that. So leading up to the wedding I was focusing on how I would be wearing a really unflattering bm dress on my bday.
Then the day came. I was with many of my best friends, celebrating my best friend’s love – seeing her happier than I had in the 20 years Ive known her, dancing the night away… what more could I have actually asked for on my birthday?
The point I’m trying to make is – YES a reason is good to justify it for leading up to the event. However, sometimes people will be thinking selfishly at first like I was, but I’m guessing more often than not they readjust their ‘tudes because they love you. That is why they’re there after all.
January 28, 2011 12:44 pm
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Pick your date and own it, like Lauren said.
I’ve been to two weddings in one weekend, and two weddings two weeks apart, both of which required travel and overnight stays, and both were for a bunch of mutual friend/overlapping stuff…no one cared. Okay, if there were people who were bothered by it, they kept their mouths shut, which is what should happen.
One thing I’ve learned over and over again in this wedding planning (or life, really) process is that you can’t please everyone all of the time. You just can’t.
If you can’t imagine your day without your best friend, then reschedule, but if it’s anything less than that (like “I’d be sad, but I’m sure I would get over it because I know she wants to be there and I’ll still be surrounded by 100 other fantastically awesome people in my life.”) then don’t change the date.
January 28, 2011 5:35 am
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And to Adria’s point – when you hit a certain age, I feel like your friends are kind of used to being invited to like 8 (or more) weddings in a year. I’ve certainly had weekends in June/July when I’ve had 3 weddings in one month, it just happens.
L – if you were getting married over the summer nobody would blink an eye over having two weddings within a week, it happens. So try not to stress too much!
January 28, 2011 6:39 am
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Yes. Definitely. And you know, during those years, we all do what we can, and send well-wishes to cover what we can’t.
January 28, 2011 7:32 am
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We got married in high summer on a Monday. We had no declined invitations out of 100 guests.
Monday worked best for us because of time off work and the fact that the venue package was 50% cheaper than on a Saturday.
To be honest, we barely thought about inconvenience to our guests. That may sound selfish, but if they couldn’t have made it, we’d have understood. I’m sure some people thought it was weir or inconsiderate, but we never heard anything about it.
January 28, 2011 5:36 am
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We got engaged and set a date so early (his soccer number, to help him remember. Seriously.) that I didn’t worry about too many conflicts. Then one of my bridesmaids got engaged, and she picked a date 2 weeks after me, even though she would have preferred the weekend right after, because she wanted to make sure we would be back from our honeymoon and could attend her wedding. I thought that was so thoughtful of her!
Now our fall looks like this: our wedding in DC in mid Sept, my friend’s wedding in Minneapolis 2 weekends later, and then f-hubs good friend’s in Houston 2 weeks after that. I’m just excited we have so many friends getting married!
January 28, 2011 5:40 am
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Oh! Something I forgot: I recognize the logic to the statement “just as people aren’t allowed to throw fits about your date, you can’t throw a fit about them not coming for whatever reason,” but I have to tell you: that is a lot easier said than done.
The short story for that is that when my parents got married my mother’s sister (my aunt, H) didn’t reply to the invitation and my parents only found out about two weeks before the wedding that she and her family weren’t coming and didn’t intend to come. She was, in her words, “too busy for that” and my parents “didn’t give her enough time.” She also cited her daughters (10 and 9) as being too much trouble to wrangle.
Invitations went out to all 30 people they invited (a small, family and close friends only affair) just a bit more than three months in advance of the wedding. With such a small wedding H’s presence was noticeably missed. She lived four hours away (my uncle, brother to H and my mom, lived more than a day away and made it with no problems).
My mother holds no ill will against H for this, even now 30 years later, but it’s clear that it still stings to think about. When my sister and I first heard the story we couldn’t believe the callousness. Not enough time? You had months. Your daughters were too much to handle? What about the family who came from out of state with two kids under 7? Too busy? It is your sister.
I know I’m being harsh; it was 30 years ago and it didn’t even happen to me, but that doesn’t stop me feeling the way I do about it, no matter how much I try to forgive her. My solution? She just won’t be invited to my wedding. She’s probably be too busy to come anyway.
January 28, 2011 5:42 am
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Kill them with kindness?
January 28, 2011 6:29 am
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We decided to find a venue in our budget and to our taste before we picked a date. Once that was done and we knew their availability we talked about 2 things..one who was most important for us to have there and 2-so very unromantic, but practical what times of the year are booked with other big events that might cause challenges for us to celebrate anniversaries in years to come (ie holidays, family birthdays, major events like graduations, end of school, etc.) I have a large family and knew of a few dates to look out for, his family is small-but all teachers-so we looked at summer and picked a day. August 6th it is. We are about to send save the dates out and while I hope everyone can make it-its not my issue if they can’t. It’s our special day and will work for us….that’s what is most important. Plus I feel that a smaller wedding is more intimate, and what could be more special!
January 28, 2011 9:27 am
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I see where you are coming from. It’s one thing for a guest to say they are very sorry and not able to come, it’s another to be flippant about it. I have an aunt who told me, “You are crazy; we’ll be up north,” when she found out my date without a hint of “I wish we could be there.” That stung a bit. But oh well.
January 28, 2011 10:28 am
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I had no very strong feelings about the time of year or the date we got married. Because we got engaged on New Years Eve, we thought autumn 2010 would be nice, but then it transpired that my sister was going off to volunteer in Zimbabwe for six months, from the end of September. And September itself was entirely taken up with the events surrounding a friends wedding. So then we thought May 2011 would be lovely, but D’s mother had a conniption about that as apparently it’s bad luck.
So we looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, said ‘meh. June 2011 it is’ I never imagined I would be a June bride, as I assumed it would be hugely expensive, and I think it really can be, but we are very lucky in that our venue charges the same, regardless of the time of year you get married. And because we had a full 18months to plan, we were able to book most of the vendors we wanted. And now I am excited to marry in June – roses! long evenings! seasonal summer food!
One of my bridesmaids however, is having real trouble with her date. She and her fiance have their hearts set on a September wedding, but because of work commitments, can only do the last weekend in Sept. They told her fiance’s parents, who seemed fine with this, and then her fiance’s father promptly accepted an invitation to speak, and I think help organise a conference thousands of miles away that weekend. He didn’t do it to be mean, he is an absent minded professor type and just forgot. But my friend and her fiance are seriously upset, and I really don’t know what they can do. They REALLY want a September wedding, but they can’t get married without the father there. I’ve suggested they move the wedding to October, but there are various difficulties with this as well, and short of waiting till Sept 2012, I’m really not sure what they can do.
January 28, 2011 5:43 am
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I really don’t think the two-week apart weddings are a big deal – honestly. I’ve gone as a guest to many-a-wedding that were close together (and even been bridesmaid in a few back-to-back) and it didn’t cause any problems. The only reason the other couple may be upset is that if they are heading out for their honeymoon immediately after the wedding – obviously, they won’t be able to make it to yours. Other than that – I say own it! :) (Especially because 9/15 is a great day… my birthday!) ;-)
January 28, 2011 5:46 am
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9/15 is my birthday too! I totally agree it’s a great day :)
January 28, 2011 6:48 am
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I’m with Christy. Yes, own it!
Multiple weddings in the same month – even if they’re just a week apart – aren’t really that big of a deal. In October of 2009, I was invited to 3 weddings (on 10/3, 10/17, and 10/30), AND I got married on 10/10. I made it to the one on 10/3 (and 10/10, of course), we missed 10/17 because of the honeymoon, and we made it to the 10/30 wedding. Many of the same people were at our wedding, the 10/17 wedding and the 10/30 wedding, and I didn’t hear anyone say anything negative about the close dates – and none of the shindigs were in the same city. Your friends & family truly are just excited to be there to support you. So go for it!
January 28, 2011 1:45 pm
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This is actually one area of the wedding (as opposed to the marriage) that my parents had a surprising amount of wisdom and insight on. As a kid they always told me “pick the day that the church is open” and “your wedding is about you, not everyone else, so do what makes you most happy.”
And you know what? We ended up picking a date when our school schedules were most accommodating and the church was open. It just so happened to be the date of my brother-in-law’s best friend’s wedding. He had to decline to be in the wedding party for that wedding. Owning your wedding date can really show you how important the important people in your life are.
Luckily, his friend’s wedding is in the evening, while ours is in the morning, and my sister and brother-in-law can both be part of my wedding and go to their friend’s wedding.
Whether my brother-in-law is there or not really doesn’t change the fact that, at the end of the day, I’ll be married to the hunky man of my dreams.
January 28, 2011 5:56 am
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The one wedding-guest nightmare I had was my own fault: my best friends set a date for their wedding, then-boyfriends best friends (who we lived with) picked the same date. Same time. Two hours geographic distance. I went to my best friends but left the reception early to try to do both–and his besties ended their reception early. Very irritating.
We sat down with a calendar and all of the google calendars we manage and circled dates that were out because of birthdays/school/work/whatnot. We tried to accomodate the people most important to us (not immediately after birth of a child or during my sister’s conference that she can’t miss), then picked it and went with it. We told everyone six months ahead so that they can plan with that in mind, and after that it’s their choice.
Then C’s besties picked a date two weeks before ours, and he flipped. I laughed and told him there’s a reason we’re all friends, that so what if they get better presents or all the mutual friends are weddinged out. Ours will be ours and as long as they’re back from honeymoon (they’re officiating ours) it’s no big. Re-framing helped a lot!
January 28, 2011 5:57 am
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My fiance and I changed our wedding date for his would’ve-been-groomsman because his wife was having a baby close to our first date. However, four months later, he told us he still won’t be able to make it to the wedding.
So, like Alyssa said, even if you change your date, it doesn’t guarantee that person you’ve changed it for will be able to make it for your new date either.
It sucks when your best friend(s) can’t come to your wedding. My fiance and I have 3 best friends that aren’t going to make it. We’re both really sad, but it’s absolutely impossible to choose the “perfect” day that will work for everyone. Even if it’s “perfect” when you choose the date, things come up. Circumstances change, and people suddenly have to back out.
January 28, 2011 5:58 am
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Or other things happen. My bestie had kidney stones and was hospitalized two days before our wedding. She managed to come for the ceremony and the first hour of the reception but she was really heavily medicated and in an unreasonable amount of pain. It was really sucky and we were both so disappointed, but there was nothing to be done about it and the wedding was still really fun (for me). So even if you find the perfect date, you have to prepare yourself for some unexpected guest list changes at the last minute. Such is life.
January 28, 2011 7:27 am
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My best friend (and maid of honour) is having a baby that is supposed to be due about three weeks before my wedding. She doesn’t live in the same town so would have a short flight or long drive to get here for the wedding. And you know what, it’s okay. The boy and I had picked our date before she was pregnant, and we aren’t changing it.
And if she can’t make it because the baby is late or she is just plain tired because she has a new-born…I will miss her like h*ell, but it will be okay. I’m so excited to get to be an auntie. And the way I look at it is that having a baby kind of takes priority over a wedding. Right now I’m looking into the possibility of skype during the ceremony. (Meanwhile she’s looking at postpartum dress options in case the baby comes a bit early and she feels up to a wedding, or even just a little bit of a wedding).
But either way she’ll still be my best friend and one of my fiercest supporters.
January 28, 2011 9:57 am
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We busted out Skype at a friend’s wedding last year for someone who couldn’t make it — I have a little netbook that I just broke out at the reception and the missing friend was able to say hi to everyone and talk to the bride, and it worked out great!
January 28, 2011 11:00 am
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That’s awesome, and I’m glad to hear that Skype worked out for someone else.
January 28, 2011 11:53 am
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When my partner and I got engaged on New Years Eve, we pretty much immediately decided we’d get married sometime in September/October/November… ironically because the proximity to a good friend of mine’s wedding. We live on the opposite side of the world to our home country, and getting home is an outlay of a couple of thousand dollars. Timing our wedding close to my friend’s is the only way I could get home to attend her wedding.
Then, another pair of good friends who got engaged last year set their wedding date for early November. And now our wedding date is set two weeks after one friend’s, and one week before another’s.
I’ve read enough wedding blogs and forums in the past month to know that for many people, this would be a terrific faux pas. I’m pleased to say that in this case, both of my bride-friends are fine with it – the one with the wedding date closest to ours even wrote back “the closer, the better!” when I emailed her checking she was cool with us choosing a date so close (she’d previously suggested we share tables and chairs if our dates were a week apart).
I know this might all sound a bit Mary-Sue, but just wanted to share a positive story to show that wedding planning doesn’t have to be a competition over who gets the biggest spotlight. And better yet, timing my wedding within weeks of theirs means I’ll be back home to attend both their nuptials!
January 28, 2011 6:03 am
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We haven’t had any major date stress so far, but one piece of advice I got about wedding planning in general is “Some people are going to be hurt no matter what.” Whether that’s by the guest list size or the distance needed to travel or the date, you will not be able to make everyone in your life happy. And that’s not the point of a wedding. You’re getting married and doing the best you can to have most of the people you love there. Handle any disappointments the best you can, but you can’t expect to make it an absolutely perfect day for everyone involved.
January 28, 2011 6:09 am
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We set a date that worked for a good friend coming from France, and another good friend who was in her brother’s wedding shortly before. It’s outdoors and the day, July 30th, was to have a full moon. Then my uncle “helpfully” reminded me on Facebook that people coming from his state, Georgia (like my lovely cousins) would be starting school on Monday. One of his sons, my cousin said they’d be there no matter what. But we’re pushing it back one week and if they still can’t make it then… that’s their problem. As my dad put it: “my family is pushy, but they’re not the ones paying!” I really would like them to be there, I know my aunt would really want to be there. But I have other concerns and them not coming wouldn’t be an overwhelming tragedy. Not to go all Bridezilla, but this is OUR day. Not theirs.
January 28, 2011 6:11 am
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When I was in grad school in Texas, I had a weekend with my cousin’s bat mitzvah on Long Island on Friday and Saturday, and a college friend’s wedding on Sunday night in Connecticut. I flew to Hartford, rented a car, drove and took a ferry to Long Island, drove and took the ferry back to Connecticut for the wedding, and flew home. It seems like a pain, but it was awesome! I was almost happier to attend the events because it was difficult, and I had acknowledged to myself how important they both were to me.
January 28, 2011 6:15 am
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Just wanna say, everyone here is responding very rationally. Of course the bride doesn’t get her own month – this is absurd! however, i imagine that people in this dilemma, while they know it is unjustified, still dread their friends’ families’ irrational backlash. it’s hard to have that conversation, even when you know you’re not in the wrong. chances are, unless that other bride is also reading this blog, she might truly believe that she has this right. so basically, it’s a sucky conversation to be faced with, but i guess you just have to know in your heart you’re doing the best you can, for you and your team.
January 28, 2011 6:18 am
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My uncle had a somewhat irrational backlash to our wedding being two and a half months after my cousin’s. He got over it, but his initial annoyance (I presume) was because they had a 16 month engagement, and we chose an 8 month engagement. I didn’t want a long engagement! He got over it pretty quickly (once he realized how ridiculous that was) and ended up being totally fantastic.
My aunt, however (my OTHER cousin’s mother) told his fiancee, shortly after THEY got engaged, that she in no uncertain terms could do her wedding in October of the same year, because that was “too many weddings for the family in one year.” I responded to my mother, “Yes, that is too much joy and mirth in our family for one year! We simply cannot have that!” I, personally, would have been thrilled to have all of us cousins wedded in a few months of each other – the three of us are only a couple years apart in total, and we grew up quite close as a result.
January 29, 2011 5:59 am
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What if it’s the groom making a bigger deal then the bride? My brother’s wedding is a month before mine. When I originally took his opinion into consideration he said he would prefer I pushed the date back a couple months. I then explained that if we get married any later I wouldn’t be able to get married until December (I work at a winery and grape harvest is September-November, and I work 12 hr/day 6 days/week during that time). He backed off at the time, but since then he’s been pushy about me changing my date.
My mom wasn’t really on board with the date we picked either, but her’s was a silly reason. We had mentioned to her using either 7/9 or 7/16, so she looked up in the Farmer’s Almanac, seriously, and told me that the 16th is supposed to be unseasonably hot. I was able to sit down and say, this is the date, it doesn’t matter if it’s hot. And even if it is hot, we can put a “bring your swimsuit cause we’re going swimming!” on the invitation.
January 29, 2011 7:49 am
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One of the things I’ve heard a lot (on wedding blogs and from friends) is this desire to get married on a “special” day. An anniversary, a lucky number date or on of those 07/07/07 type dates.
It reminds me of the advice my mom gave me when we were struggling between breaking the bank on an all out luxury vacation honeymoon and scaling down to keep our savings intact. I told my mom we were leaning towards the luxury option because we really wanted our honeymoon to be special and we’ve never splurged on ourselves like that. Mom (always classy) called bullsh*t on that. “Your honeymoon will be special because *it’s your honeymoon*. You could spend it in your basement and you’ll always remember it fondly. It isn’t the trip is special it’s the time you spend it with your new spouse.”
She’s totally right, and I think it applies to your wedding date as well. We were married on June 19th and now the 19th of every month is a little specialer. It didn’t mean anything before but now that day is full of new memories and significance and it’s the date engraved inside my husband’s wedding band. Nothing could be more important than that.
January 28, 2011 6:19 am
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My partner and I got engaged and, in October, set a date for August. His daughter became engaged over Thanksgiving, and set her wedding for the weekend before ours. It’s no big deal, as it is the only date available for their venue, and just makes travel/logistics interesting.
HOWEVER, my daughter has recently announced that she’s pregnant. The due date? Two weeks before our wedding. I have no choice but to deal with things as they happen, but we’ve now gone from interesting to AAACK!
January 28, 2011 6:21 am
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My husband’s brother and his wife had (very premie) triplets 4 weeks before our wedding, very far away. My BIL was a groomsman and they didn’t find out they were pregnant until a few months after we’d set the date. Nothing to be done about that. At the last minute he was able to fly out just for the day, arrived an hour before the ceremony and left at 6am the next morning. That was a huge happy surprise, but we’d have understood if he couldn’t make it. We’d much rather have 3 healthy little babies in our lives than a wedding that went exactly as planned.
As special as the wedding is, it’s still one day. I get to be those kids’ aunt *forever*. Way more awesome.
January 28, 2011 7:38 am
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Indeed. Sometimes life just gets in the way.
A dear dear cousin (the husband has no siblings, but does have cousins he grew up with that he considers his sisters) gave birth about 2 months for our wedding, and there were complications. Their little girl was in NICU on the day of our wedding … so, OF COURSE, they could not fly to us.
We were bummed, but knew that they needed to be where they were. It was so, so much more important. Not even a question. Our wedding was fine without them, and we were able to go see them afterward, and get on with the business of having a new baby around. =)
January 28, 2011 8:17 am
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One of my husband’s brother’s couldn’t make our wedding because his wife had a premie three months earlier and it was too much to deal with three under three by herself. They are also foreign service and overseas. It was very understandable but my husband was quite sad about it. Neither we nor they knew they were expecting when we sent the date. Baby was a total surprise, she didn’t discover she was pregnant until 20 weeks. BIL was to be a Best man along with my husband’s other brother. We still listed him in the program and such.
January 28, 2011 1:48 pm
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Good Luck with the AAACK!!! And I hope your daughter gives you a healthy happy grandchild to be at your wedding.
My friend actually had her water break at her cousins wedding. Didn’t tell anyone until she was leaving that she’s going to go have her kid now cuz she knew that when the water broke, the baby wasn’t minutes away from coming so she just relaxed and danced it up and decided when was the right time to get out to give birth to her little girl.
January 28, 2011 8:55 am
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I’m sorry; I should have clarified. My wedding is the least of the reasons why I’m currently going AACK. I will be there for my daughter, no matter what. Babies before the wedding, during the wedding, or after the wedding, because that’s the way I roll. It’s the fact that I can’t really plan (because I’m OCD that way) that’s making me a little nuts.
January 29, 2011 12:38 am
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Because of the international nature of our wedding we gave the majority of the guests about 6 months notice. But it didn’t really make a difference. People’s situations changed within that 6 months numerous times. Three months before the wedding my Maid of Honor told me she and her husband were being transfered to Japan and they wouldn’t make the wedding. Huge bummer. Around the same time one of my Husband’s two attendants had to back out due to his international family commitments. It was a mess, but we didn’t change the date to make it easier on either of them (and to be honest, neither asked). Luckily, we had other friends that were willing to stand up with us on short notice and in the end it turned out my Maid of Honor didn’t get transfered and she came to the wedding as a guest.
We were not so lucky with the date of the second reception in NZ. We really wanted to wait until the weather was better (a summer wedding in Ohio means a mid-winter wedding in NZ) but his family refused to wait and very strongly insisted it be as soon as possible after the wedding. This was a very difficult decision for us. We really didn’t want to do this. We knew it would cut our honeymoon short (due to the limit on his vacation days from work) and add a painful 24 hour flight to the end. But as the majority of his very large family wasn’t coming to the US for the wedding, and are a very vocal and opinonated family, we didn’t feel we had a choice. We gave in for future sanity. (And in a month we are going on what we call our second honeymoon. Just a vacation with no family obligations involved.)
On the other issue, our dear friends (that got engaged a few weeks after us) were getting married two weeks before us. They couldn’t be at our wedding because of thier honeymoon and I couldn’t be at thier wedding because I was flying out to the US for my own wedding on that day. But my now-husband made it after he dropped me off at the airport and even served as the videographer. We were all bummed, but understood. When we all returned from our honeymoons we got together to celebrate after the fact. The four of us get together every month the week between our two dates and toast to our new marriages. We missed the days, but we celebrate the marriages.
January 28, 2011 6:25 am
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Thats so true! However much notice you give and however thoughtful you are about accommodating everyone’s preferences, things are GOING to change in the meantime at least for one or two people. Its like trying to herd cats!
January 28, 2011 6:59 am
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Also, huge sympathy on all the crap you had to go along with because of tricky in-laws and their expectations/demands – it’s easy to think that everyone will be as understanding and ‘practical’ as the people on here – clearly that is not always the case!
And I love the sentiment in your last line – “we missed the days but we celebrate the marriages” YES!!!
January 28, 2011 7:06 am
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Its so wonderful to hear about how you and your friends get together every month to celebrate your marriages! Such a beautiful sentiment and I can image a wonderful time to look back on pictures and think about the future!
January 28, 2011 8:20 am
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About two months before the wedding, my aunt emailed me and told me that changing our date would work better for her, because she had to take her daughter to Hawaii for a choir concert. I was flabbergasted – I would never, ever think to ask someone to change their wedding date to accommodate me.
I calmly told her that we weren’t in a position to change the date, and that we had picked our date for a variety of reasons, including my work schedule, my husband’s work schedule, our impending plans to move one month after our wedding, and the significance of the date (my husband’s parents were married on the same day 26 years ago, and my parents were married nine days later, 30 years ago). But for us, the significance of the date came last…that’s not to say that if the significance of the date matters to you that you shouldn’t take it into account (we definitely did), but it was lower on our priority list (just like invitations were higher on our priority list than an annoying DJ – we had an iPod wedding dance).
January 28, 2011 6:26 am
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I don’t understand the logic of people like that. Do they not understand this thing called a “deposit” that may or may not be refundable? Geez.
January 28, 2011 6:46 am
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Yeah. I can understand *6* months or more before the date- people think they’re being helpful because you’ll be hurt if everyone can’t come, and this info is for helping plan. But 2 months is ridiculous. Even without deposits, my church requires 6 months’ notice for all weddings, and I know that’s pretty common.
January 28, 2011 11:54 am
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ha! This is definitely one of those, “really? REALLY?” moments. At least (hopefully) you can laugh about the absurdity with someone.
January 29, 2011 11:19 am
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Count me in for, we picked a date in the middle of no where (March) and only 1/3 of the people are showing up. Its really about what works for you. Foe me its less people=less money and less people=more intimate wedding.
January 28, 2011 6:27 am
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Ahh, this is a really tricky dilemma.
When we got engaged in June, we were faced with a really tough decision – I was leaving my job in September to study for a year and really didn’t want to procrastinate through the whole course (and fail!) by planning the wedding so it was a choice of planning it really fast or waiting until after the course then starting planning. What made this complicated was that G’s gran was 95 at the time and not in the best of health, but an incredibly important part of G’s small, close family – so we wanted to get married as soon as possible to optimise the chance of seeing her on the day and sharing it with her. The flip side was that my brother was posted overseas with the air force from August until December. So we had to choose – plan a super-fast wedding for September in the hope that Gran would be there but knowing my brother couldn’t be, or wait eighteen months and have my brother there but probably not Gran.
So, we planned the wedding for September knowing that my brother wouldn’t be able to come. It ended up being on a Friday – when you book a wedding twelve weeks in advance you have to be a bit flexible on the dates! Luckily almost everyone we invited could make it.
Sadly Gran passed away in July so neither of the important people we wanted to accommodate ended up being there on the day – sometimes thats just how it goes. We made our decision based on the best we could do at the time and I still think it was the right one for us.
So I think what we leant was to be thoughtful, to look after the important people as far as you can and then to be strong in your choices.
January 28, 2011 6:45 am
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I’m sorry to hear your Gran passed away before your wedding. It must still feel good that you tried your best to include her in your big day, though!
January 28, 2011 10:29 am
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Oh. My. God. Once again, APW has the most perfect timing.
Last night was actually my first wedding crying jag. Yuck. Over what? Dates. My FSIL is waiting on a proposal from my fiance’s brother. They’ve been together 8 years, and a few months ago FBIL sent out a mass email to all four parents (they’re all overseas) asking for permission to marry her. They all said yes, and everyone is thrilled. The ring is bought, and as far as I last heard, he’s going to propose in March. When FH and I announced our engagement and said that we were considering May or June 2012, FSIL blurted out, “Oh no! 2012 is my year! Can’t you get married sooner?”
Two things, in retrospect, I should have realized. 1) I’m engaged, and actively planning, she’s not. As far as I know, she doesn’t know the proposal is coming, though clearly they’ve discussed marriage. 2) No one gets to lay claim on a year. Or even on a specific date. We can’t hold off on getting our dates firmed up based on a proposal that hasn’t occurred yet. We need to forge ahead.
But for a few weeks, I was in agony over her off-the-cuff comment. I didn’t say anything to her in person at the time, but I stewed about it behind the scenes. I had scary visions of pushing my wedding back to 2013 (really, really, really don’t want to do that) or ending up at the city hall with only his parents there. I think part of the reason it bothered me so much is that I don’t know FSIL well yet, and I’m perhaps hyper-aware that I’m the newcomer in a very close-knit family.
So, we’re going ahead. And realisticly, even if she’s dead-set on a spring wedding in 2012, then she can just pick a date a little earlier or later than me. She’ll have time to work around my date.
January 28, 2011 6:46 am
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” . . . is my year!”?????
You’ve GOT to be kidding.
January 28, 2011 7:45 am
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If it helps at all, two of my husband’s brothers got married two weeks apart. It was before I knew my husband but apparently there was some friction at first but eventually everyone just dug into the logistics and made it work. Now the couples are planning a 10-year-anniversary trip together. Just a little something to suggest to your FSIL :)
January 28, 2011 7:54 am
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Don’t judge her too harshly, as Alyssa said, everyone has their moments. And as I’ve come to encounter when it comes to weddings, there tends to be more of those moments than not and each is more irrational than the last. Smile, let it go, and try to have some fun wedding planning moments together after the proposal.
Keep in mind, some of this frustration from her might come from being engaged (seriously, if she thinks 2012 is her year and has been dating for 8 years, she’s engaged), but not *officially* so in the eyes of others. This has been discussed in previous posts and when people are stressed about what others think, irrational comments can slip. Good luck with your planning and best wishes for your future!!
January 28, 2011 8:32 am
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My brother did something similar with trying to claim “his year”. The only problem was, they’d been engaged for three years and never set their date. In fact, they’d discussed getting married in 2010, 2011 and 2012. Every year, they’d change it. So when we got engaged, all we knew is that they MIGHT get married in the summer of 2011, so we avoided interfering with that, by choosing either the spring or fall as our options.
We ended up setting our date for April 2011, and they set theirs for July of 2011. But apparently he was mad because he didn’t get the whole year to himself.
Sometimes people just get irrational and forget that other people’s lives do not revolve around them.
January 28, 2011 10:34 am
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The only time I can even slightly (and I do mean slightly) understand the claiming of a “year” is among families where it is still the norm for the parents to pay for a significant amount of the wedding. And even then I have issues with idea of claiming an entire year.
January 28, 2011 12:20 pm
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Yeah, I could understand that, but not in my case, where in both our cases the grooms are from the same family and neither boy would hear of their parents paying for anything.
January 28, 2011 12:52 pm
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I completely agree with this. In my dad’s side of the family we get together once a year to see the cousins and aunts and uncles. Since some of us cousins have been getting to the marrying age this has become part of our yearly meet up. My first cousin did it about 6 or 6 years ago, and his brother 2 years ago. It’s a nice way for all of us to work in a visit as well as go to the wedding. I can see that if people from all over the country or world can’t afford to get together more than once a year a person might be upset by her FSIL choosing a year she’d hoped for. That being said, I don’t know the circumstances of this wedding, and to wait for someone who isn’t even engaged while the other one is being planned is ridic. Take turns!
January 28, 2011 7:45 pm
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I agree that your FSIL’s response may be more about the insecurity of being in that not-quite-engaged-to-someone-you’ve-been-with-for-a-long-time place. In saying that I don’t mean to put her down in any way. I just know from experience that the almost-engaged-but-not time can be stressful in itself (“is it really going to happen? like really? Or…”).
My fiance’s brother was with his now-wife for 9 years before they were married. We knew it would be uncomfortable if we were engaged before them as their journey to the altar was a bit of a saga. (actually ours has been too, but it’s a saga that’s 6 years shorter!) Happily they got engaged shortly after we started talking about marriage. Actually it was wonderful when my fiance called me to tell me – he said ‘Guess what? We can get engaged soon because M. just proposed.’
In the end we waited until after they were married to get engaged – they had a short engagement so all of this worked for us. Not at all saying that other people should wait for their siblings to get married before they do! That’s sounds like some kind of Jane Austen hangover. If M and C had taken much longer I’m sure we would have kept moving!
I guess I’m just saying that maybe your FSIL’s response is about the difficult in-between thing – perhaps with not a little sibling competitiveness thrown in. My fiance and his brother get along really well, but my fiance is still wary of our wedding being compared to theirs.
January 30, 2011 6:44 am
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This is what I’m worried about! My fiance’s younger brother got engaged exactly a month before we did, and although I didn’t care, I barely knew my future sister-in-low (still don’t, actually, because they live several states away) and apparently she felt like we were stepping on her toes. Now it turns out that we may get married about a month after them, too. We’re trying to look on the bright side – being from a traditional family, they’re having a very traditional church wedding, which we are emphatically not having, so we’re hoping the close proximity of the weddings allows his parents to get all their satisfaction in one dose and temper their reactions to some of the elements of our wedding they may not be crazy about. I’m just worried that my FSIL and I won’t get off to a great start if she’s possessive about things like that.
January 28, 2011 3:30 pm
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Just to play a little devil’s advocate – the drama in date scheduling, for me, doesn’t come from the logistical difficulties of making it to two weddings that are close together. Instead it comes from the way it can divide a family’s emotional energy. My close-in-age cousin got engaged a few months after me, and then scheduled his wedding date for two weeks after mine. While there’s no need to make an international incident of it, I can’t lie – it did hurt my feelings, because now there’s another wedding for my family to fuss over, and the couple didn’t even acknowledge to us in a friendly way that the dates were close. Granted this situation is a little more complicated because a lot of people in our family are not coming to my (gay) wedding due to religious objections, whereas his (straight) wedding meets with total approval. I know it’s not completely mature, but part of me is just saying – did you really have to do that? I’m already struggling to communicate to people in my family that this is an incredibly important thing to me, and now you give them a comfortable, “legitimate” wedding to think about and fuss over instead?
Ugh!! ….But to my credit, I haven’t said anything to them about it, and don’t plan to. It’s unlikely that it’d get an understanding reaction so I’m just trying to let it go.
January 28, 2011 6:48 am
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This is hard. My wife and I got engaged right before Thanksgiving 2008, with no set wedding date (we were waiting for it to become legal in DC where we live), and then her brother got engaged a month later and set the date right away for August of 2009. I know my wife really worried that her family would treat his wedding as the “real” wedding and hers as just some silly “gay” thing – and it was a little stressful at the time. That said, when we did get married this past May, her family (and mine) did totally respect our wedding, even the ones who may disagree with marriage equality as a political issue, even the ones who didn’t come, still acknowledged the fact that we got married, and that was important and meaningful. So I hope, that even if not everyone you hope will come to you wedding does, you still feel that acknowledgement and validation of your marriage. Because, holy crap, you are getting married! How awesome is that?
January 28, 2011 7:12 am
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This post makes me a little teary. I hope you have a supportive community that will be there for you.
January 28, 2011 7:13 am
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Hang in there! It’s hard to let go of those feelings sometimes, but remember they are real, therefore totally justified, but good for you for being so supportive of your cousin. Best of luck with your wedding and try to keep the thoughts positive, your future marriage is real and exciting for all those around you, even if they don’t express it all the time!
January 28, 2011 8:39 am
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We had decided to get married in late summer this last year, only to find out that my partner’s* brother was engaged, and planning a wedding in late summer as well. It was about a month before ours.
After that it was like her mom, who we visit regularly, totally forgot that we were getting married too.
She would ask something like “have you gotten a dress for the wedding yet?” and when we asked “which wedding?” it was never ours. That stung.
Privately, I was all pissy and resentful about the straight weddings scheduled before ours until they happened. In the end they were beautiful, and I was all happy teary and supportive as a guest, and felt better. But I think it was ok for me to be pissy and resentful. It hurt, even if that wasn’t the straight couples’ intent, or even their fault.
I wouldn’t suggest talking to the cousin about stealing your thunder unless you are already close emotionally. But if people you are close to act like that wedding is the one that matters, and yours isn’t important, try to call them on it.
January 28, 2011 12:39 pm
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I really appreciate all of you guys’ comments and advice…it feels good to be able to express frustration about this and feel understood. You’ve gotta be able to acknowledge the feelings you’re having before you can let go of them. So…thanks for your help. :)
January 31, 2011 3:29 pm
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I wish this had been posted a year ago! We had a heck of a time setting a date. My brother had just joined the military and it was really important to me that he be there. I knew with the military that there are no guarantees, but our original planned date would have meant that he 99% would not be, and I just couldn’t do it. For us, we made sure that parents, siblings, and bridal party could be there. But it’s not necessary to be that broad–my mom’s best friend couldn’t make it to her wedding, they are still best friends over 25 years later.
Our big complication was that WHERE it would be was up in the air too, which of course influences the When. For about 6 months of our engagement I knew neither when nor where we were getting married which…made me a little crazy. I wanted to plan and I was just going in circles. All this is to say that if you are having a similar struggle, I feel you, and it is okay to be freaking out about it cause it is a hard thing to deal with. But once you do have a date you like–yes, stick to your guns. Your sanity will thank you.
January 28, 2011 6:53 am
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Concur with all the practical advice above. I love APW conversations! I would only like to add one thing. There is a time for everything, and everything will happen in it’s time. Your wedding date isn’t what you hoped or expected it to be? Apparently, God has other plans. Such is life. No matter what day you wind up with, on that day you’ll be getting MARRIED. It’s going to be awesome, and it’s going to happen exactly when it’s supposed to. And, not everything is going to go right, even if you come up with the perfect plan! Try to remember that some really fantastic things can happen when you’re thrown for a loop, even if it doesn’t seem so at first. Enjoy your engagement, and good luck planning ;-)
January 28, 2011 6:57 am
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PS If picking a wedding date is really causing you to stress, consider eloping. I know this doesn’t work for everybody, I’m just saying…
January 28, 2011 7:02 am
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Exactly! When we got engaged, we soon realized there were only two weekends in the following year we could get married (thanks to the uncertainty of his med school schedule). One was in December and one was in June. I had always thought I wanted an outdoor August/September wedding, but quickly realized it didn’t matter – we were getting married and it would be awesome no matter the time of year! And, thanks to this past week’s posts, I’m realizing the December date would have been equally awesome!
January 28, 2011 7:30 am
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This is a great discussion- the wedding date thing is the first thing that was really hard for me in wedding planning. When we got engaged, I was all set to be a totally laid back bride, not care about things that went wrong, be totally relaxed…..fast forward to 2 weeks later, we set a date and then found out my 2 best friends would be unable to come. I was a wreck! And at first I was almost angry at myself for being upset, because I planned on not being a crazy, emotional bride, but I realized it was ok because this was a big issue. It was really important to me to have my best friends there, and I wasn’t being a bridezilla for being upset about it (of course, I would have been a bridezilla if I decided to cut off the friendship because of it).
My fiance was so great about it- the reason we set the date was for his school schedule, and he offered to see if we could change it, but I knew that was a bad idea. He’s a med student, and we were already getting married at a bad time, and trying to push it back a few weeks would have really hurt him. Our only option was to push it back an entire year, and I was not ok with that. I wanted to be MARRIED! So we stuck with the date, and I sent each of my friends a note saying I understood their situations and wasn’t mad at them (I was a little mad at the universe), and asked that each of them try to make a trip to see my new husband and I sometime in the year after we were married, so we could drink wine, look at pictures and celebrate together. And honestly, I think this will be great because then I’ll get to spend a whole weekend with them, whereas at the wedding I would be distracted by a bazillion other things. It still sucks that they won’t be there, but I’ve accepted it, and its ok. Remember that there will still be plenty of other people there who love and support you!
January 28, 2011 7:04 am
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May I just say that is probably the nicest and most graceful way to handle the situation? Kudos to you lady.
January 28, 2011 12:22 pm
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I just want to add something that I wish I had known when setting a date: someone else’s wedding (your friend’s sister, another person from college that you don’t know but lots of your guests do) date will be that date too. Especially if you are doing a summer wedding. Don’t worry about it. It’s inevitable.
January 28, 2011 7:05 am
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Haha, YES! I think of my sister with this comment — for her it was kinda weird to have people getting married on August 29th when that was her anniversary, it wasn’t a popular day in her year because of the day of the week. She got over it but found it ‘weird’.
The best was when she found out my boyfriend’s birthday was August 29th – she teasingly mentioned how it wasn’t allowed, again because she found it weird to think of. I told her tough luck since he’d beaten her to it by almost 30 years! ;)
January 28, 2011 8:16 am
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We originally planned to get married during the summer. We chose the 17th of July because the anniversary of our first date was the 17th of November, and it made sense with our school schedules. But before we got too far into planning, we started to second guess ourselves. His sisters were flying in from Switzerland for Christmas, and we doubted they would be able to afford another trip the following summer. My grandmother was ill, and I didn’t think she would be around on July 17th (it turned out that she wasn’t). The flower girls were moving in January. Many of our family and friends participate in an event that eats up all of the weekends in June and early July. More and more, July 17th looked like just about the worst day to get married that we could have possibly picked.
One afternoon about a year before our original date I turned to my then-fiance and said “What about a Christmas wedding?” I’d always thought winter weddings were beautiful (long coats! Christmas decorations! snow!), and it made sense for a number of reasons. We knew that some people wouldn’t be able to come due to the holidays, but we thought that a lot of out-of-town family might be willing to fly in for Christmas AND a wedding, while they might not have done so for Christmas OR a wedding. We looked at the calendar, discovered that Christmas was on a Friday that year, and booked a venue for that Sunday, the 27th (we thought we would need the 26th to prepare, have our rehearsal, etc, which was a FANTASTIC decision, and we got discounts both for the winter date and for choosing a Sunday).
And then I called my dad. Who informed me that he couldn’t get the day off, as it was his year to work Christmas weekend, and no one would possibly be willing to trade him. I was crushed. I had already booked the venue (dumb on my part, I know, but I was excited and didn’t want to lose the date, since we were only 6 months out). After a lot of crying, I was walking around and saying pathetically “Well, I guess it doesn’t matter much if my dad isn’t there.” And then I called him back and said “Walk in to work tomorrow and tell them your only daughter is getting married and you need the weekend off. If no one will trade with you, I’ll move the date.” Luckily for me, he found someone willing to switch him, and all was well. A lot of family flew in that might not have for a July wedding, and only a few people were unable to make it.
All in all, I learned two lessons. 1) Sometimes, when you aren’t particularly attached to your date, moving it can make sense if there are a lot of small things conspiring against you. 2) Always check with the major players before deciding on a date, or risk serious trouble.
January 28, 2011 7:07 am
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First off: “[Editors Note: Babydoll, you know you're getting married and you've bought a dress? You're engaged. You're just waiting for a ring. Own it.] ” This exactly! Now I know why I got so many strange looks from people when I had no idea what we were going to do when we announced our engagment. L you’re engaged or at least way more than I was before I got my ring. Congrats!
We had both of these situations happen to us as well as additionally family problems with scheduling. We’d been secretly ring shopping for awhile when my good friend’s now husband surprised her with a proposal. We managed to consider this wedding date when we selected our date but then two other friends also got engaged. One scheduled their wedding was two weeks before and the other two weeks after. We live halfway across the country from our friends and went to the first close wedding but missed the two that were within two weeks of our wedding. Then one of my best friends (she was almost maid of honor but I knew she would not enjoy the role because she was shy and was super thankful I “let her off the hook”) who kept saying she could make it work ended up not making it work. And she wasn’t the only friend that thought they could make it and then couldn’t Plus we apparently scheduled our wedding on my uncles’ annual hunting trip to Montana (I had no idea). All of these situations were very hard for me. My husbands side of the guest list was a very high percentage accept with none of the tears so the comparison made it even harder.
However, from this I have learned the following things: You might be sad that your friend/family can’t be there on your wedding. However, the day of it did not diminish the great joy you will feel to be getting married. And if your friendships are good ones they can withstand this. I snuck away for 10 minutes at the reception and called two of my friends and left them voice mails and got lovely voicemail in return. We also planned get togethers over Christmas when we were all around to celebrate the fact we all got married and are embarking this new phase of life together. I think to be happy with these sad/hard situations you have to embrace the joyful parts.
January 28, 2011 7:11 am
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Our friends got engaged after we did and picked a date 2 weeks before – for a wedding that we all had to fly to. I felt really stressed about it initially, but it wound up being a lot of fun to have weddings so close together. Our biggest concern was that they might not make it to their wedding or would have to cut their honeymoon short – but they are grownups. These things happen – dates conflict. It’s simply difficult sometimes.
A couple of my favorite people in the world were unable to make it to our wedding. And I’ve missed the weddings of some very dear people. But a wedding is a single day in your entire life and you will get past it.
January 28, 2011 7:18 am
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I had the same exact dilemma as L. We were in the pre-engagement phase (truly though, because we had been together 6 yrs and I had been ready for at least 2 yrs, but my fiancee was not even though we had discussed it). It was during this time, when i was becoming restless, that a good friend announced his engagement and that it would be in the following October (and he asked my boyfriend to be a groomsman). I was quietly upset because October is when I wanted to get married (even though we weren’t engaged yet) and I didn’t want to have to wait a whole other year. A few weeks later my boyfriend proposed and we started talking dates. I told him that I really had my heart set on October (we live in New Orleans and it is literally the ONLY month that it’s not hot and humid or cold and rainy, and it’s after hurricane season. And an outdoor wedding is the only thing that makes sense for us). The only date available at the venue we wanted was the week after our friends wedding. My fiancee was so incredible and could see that I was very anxious about it. He took care of the booking and told me very calmly that our date is our date and it doesn’t matter if it’s the weekend after another wedding. It doesn’t make it any less special. I am so grateful to him for that and am looking forward to a wonderful month of festivities. Plus, we’ve only had one complaint, from a groomsman for both weddings, and he was told quickly (by both grooms) to get over it.
January 28, 2011 7:19 am
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[Long time reader, first time commenter.] This is such good advice. I just wanted to add a word of thanks/acknowledgment for all the people who quietly go out of their way to be there. My fiance and I are getting married on 4/30/11 and my younger brother is officiating. He’s never expressed anything other than great joy (and, okay, a tiny bit of nerves) about the day, or the date.
But I recently found out that one of his spring classes requires a two-week trip abroad (his office is sending him through a master’s program this year). Because this is a rigorous program AND it’s paid for by work, he could legitimately feel a lot of pressure not to rock the boat. It turns out that he specifically selected the class, not with the best trip or the most interesting reading or the most relevance to his field, but the one with the professor who didn’t blink when he said he’d need to join the trip late because of his sister’s wedding.
And he never said a word about it to us or gave a hint that our date might be hard for him. (I only heard the story recently in another context.)
January 28, 2011 7:24 am
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What a seriously awesome brother.
January 28, 2011 8:12 am
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Long time reader, first time commenter!
My partner and I have been discussing getting married on our 10 year anniversary, which is 11-11-12. Still a ways off and even though we’re not “officially” engaged or even “pre-engaged” (mostly because I don’t like that word) it’s a pretty solid plan. I actually don’t want to be engaged at all – I just want to send out invitations when the time comes and skip the whole “OMG-we’re-getting-married” part. Since I’m anti-engagement rings, this works out well for us. The thing is, without an official engagement and a date nearly two years away, I don’t know when I should send out my surprise invitations. Sooner seems better than later for all these sticky date setting reasons but I also want to put off the wedding-planning-mania for as long as I can. Or just keep secretly planning it. This is not a helpful comment, but I wanted to leave one and make friends with APW. So at least that’s been accomplished!
January 28, 2011 7:33 am
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you could start spreading the word at some point (probably no earlier than this fall?) that you’re having a big 10-year anniversary bash (a la Dan Savage) and then closer to the date, send the surprise-it’s-a-wedding! invitations. OR wait until people arrive for the party and go into surprise-ceremony mode, I’ve heard of people doing that and sounds like a lot of fun. but the big anniversary bash idea could give you the excuse to get save-the-dates out without people bugging you about wedding themes and colors and whatnot.
January 28, 2011 9:33 am
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That would be SO cool.
January 28, 2011 10:16 am
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A girl I know did exactly this – 10 year anniversary “surprise! It’s a wedding!” Literally NO-ONE apart from the couple knew. Amazing!
January 28, 2011 10:27 am
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Oh! I like this idea! Or – as a friend of a friend did, she planned on a super fun dressy Halloween engagement party. And then, surprise! In the middle of the party they got married. Everyone loved it, and talks about it to this day.
January 28, 2011 12:26 pm
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Oh, wow. That is such a good idea! I will definitely put that on my list of possibilities. Thanks so much!
February 1, 2011 9:19 am
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Hi ladies! L here. Thank you for all your great advice. We are “officially” engaged now, as of last weekend! We have plans to hang out with the other couple soon and while I’m nervous to broach the subject with her, you’ve all made me feel much, much better about the whole thing. I love the APW community. Thank you :)
January 28, 2011 7:36 am
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Woo to the hoo. :)
January 28, 2011 7:52 am
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congrats!
January 28, 2011 2:51 pm
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Our first pick of a date didn’t happen. Like Alyssa said, I mourned my loss and then got over it. I was actually more upset at the reasons I was being told by parents (the moms really) why we couldn’t have the date we originally had (It was 4/1, April Fool’s day, also the day of our first date, and really fitting for us): It landed on a Friday which is inconsiderate to other guests, the weather can be iffy in our area in the very beginning of April, and I don’t think you really want April Fool’s day. I tried not to let that get to me, but it did hurt and we eventually changed our date.
We finally picked 4/16 (the day after tax day and his dad’s a CPA, but he was super nice about it and wanted us to enjoy the day we picked and told us not to worry he would make it work) because we would be married the week before Easter, so we could spend our first holiday as a married couple in a new exciting place experiencing different customs. I love our date now and am so excited! I wish I didn’t let our families negative attitudes get to me with the first date since there was no pressing matter on why we shouldn’t have picked that date, but I’ve learned since how to use the shame blasters and not let others talk me into being shamed. Part of that is moving on, accepting the choices you made – no matter what the reason, and letting go of what could have been.
January 28, 2011 7:41 am
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As someone who got married on April 17th (and I work at one of the Big 4 so I feel you on the CPA father-in-law consideration), April weddings are awesome! You get gorgeous greenery, brand-new flowers blooming (and all the pretty wedding-porn flowers actually tend to be in season!). Plus, people generally aren’t overwhelmed by the summer-wedding season yet, and you get to avoid most of the crowds on your honeymoon. And hey, if it rains, cute shots with umbrellas!
January 28, 2011 12:29 pm
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As much as one might try to find the perfect date that works for as many people as possible, there still can be unexpected events (serious unavoidable stuff) that could change everything. For me, that meant my best friend/MOH was unable to come to the wedding at the last minute. There was no way to change the date to make it work, though my husband seriously mentioned the idea because he knew having her and my parents were non-negotiable in my heart. But with only ten days before the wedding, when all my side was flying in internationally….uh, not possible. And it was frustrating because we had worked soooo hard to find a date that worked for our family and bridal party, and made compromises in certain areas to keep this date because it was “the date that worked for everyone,” but then something happened that we could not control. It was hard not to have my best friend there (and I still am sad about it, when I happen to think about it over a year later). But sometimes life doesn’t go the way we would ideally want, and that’s particularly hard to deal with when we are talking about an important life event like a wedding.
So all this to say….somebody won’t be able to come, and it might even be someone whose absence makes your heart ache. BUT. Even then, it will be okay. The day will still be amazing and joyful and momentous, and you will still be surrounded by people who love you- both near and far. It is completely possible to experience overwhelming love and joy and community even if you also miss certain people at the same time. We humans are capable of holding a lot of conflicting emotions at once, it seems. I found it really helpful to remember that our circles of community radiated out far beyond those people who were physically there with us that weekend, and we were surrounded by people who love us, even people sending us well wishes and love from other countries. And it’s good to remember there are ways to do wedding bonding across distance with those very special people who might not be able to come due to things outside of their control (phone calls, texting, live streaming of the wedding, etc), and/or to celebrate the marriage together at a separate time. Choose a date you think works best, recognize that most likely no date will be perfect for everyone, and focus on being excited about each and every person that can make it and that’s about all you can do.
January 28, 2011 7:42 am
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Choosing a wedding date can be scary, but a relief when it’s over. I’d been dreaming of getting married in Austin at the peak of bluebonnet season – late March/early April. However, since Chris was in grad school, getting married in the middle of the semester wasn’t a good option. (Grades? Who cares about that?) So, we initially looked at Memorial Day, but worried about it being too hot and travel being too expensive. We had to fill out an application form for the church to get married there – I think to prove that one of us was Catholic enough – and we had to put down three possible dates. Memorial Day was the only weekend between finals and his internship, so we thought “What the hell,” and put down a few dates in January, over winter break.
Of course, we then ended up having a January wedding, which was great. It was less time planning (a godsend), the weather turned out to be sunny and nice but not boiling, and we got to attract all out friends from cold climates to Texas. I do agree that you should tell people your date the moment you’ve officially set it. About 80% of our guests were from out of town, so giving them early notice helped them make travel plans. But sometimes, the date you end up with works out even better than the date you originally envisioned!
January 28, 2011 7:48 am
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We got married on a Thursday. Not a Friday, not a Sunday, THURSDAY. We had been dating for nine years when we got engaged, and when we started talking about dates, my fiance said he had always thought we’d get married on our anniversary. We discussed it, realized our ten year anniversary was a Thursday, and did it anyway.
It meant quite a lot to both of us that we keep it on our anniversary, and we knew we’d get flak (justifiably so!) from our family and friends. So when we made the decision, we started telling people immediately, almost a year out. They bitched & moaned… and put it on their calendars. And you know what? They all came. We had a handful of people who couldn’t come for one reason or another (mostly being out of town, travel expenses, babysitting, etc), but no significant people missing.
Now, the great majority of our (very close knit) family and friends are local and could easily leave work a little early for a Thursday wedding. The only people traveling were close family or the wedding party, all who would be in town for over a week anyway. We knew all this going into it, so having it on a Thursday wasn’t that huge of a problem. Know your guests, and what is or isn’t a Big Deal.
I wouldn’t have changed the date of our wedding for the world. And when I remember the tears and laughing from our wedding, the packed dance floor, when I look at pictures of overjoyed family and friends– I know they would have been there for us no matter what. Guests appreciate it when the couple considers their thoughts/feelings/needs, but they are there FOR YOU. Alyssa is totally right– this day is about the two of you, and that is what is most important.
January 28, 2011 7:53 am
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Oooh, I’ve got a doozy.
We set our date (more about that later) and booked our venue. A few weeks later I’m talking to a good friend (also engaged) and he mentions the date they wanted at the venue they wanted was booked, and how disappointed they were. Turns out … it was booked by me. Talk about an awkward conversation.
They ended up picking a different date (6 days after us … we were married on a Sunday, they got married the following Saturday) AND a different venue. And once the initial awkwardness/disappointment was over, we’re all FINE.
Ok … how we picked our date. The husband was going back to school on September 1st, and it was important to me that we 1. have time to enjoy being married and settle in a bit before he had to jump back in, and 2. that we get married AFTER his birthday (it’s a long story). Which left us August. At that point, we found a venue we liked and asked about their available Sundays in August. They had two available, and we went from there.
It turned out that our date was NOT convenient for a lot of people. One cousin flew in for 12 hours (I’m not kidding … I’m still stunned), another friend spent his birthday setting up centerpieces. ( and yes, we had cake and presents for him ::smiles:: ). Then there was the husband’s father’s family (yes, all of them) … when it came time to plan the family reunion (that happens every 4 years), his dad did NOT speak up about the wedding. The reunion ended up being scheduled 2 weeks before our wedding … which meant the entirety of the family could not afford to make the two trips in such a short time.
Yes, it sucked. Yes, I’m still sad that I haven’t met the husband’s grandparents and other relatives. And yes, they were all disappointed and sad they couldn’t make it. But we all survived. And life went on.
So for those who are worried about things like this … I PROMISE you … it’ll be ok.
January 28, 2011 8:00 am
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A couple of thoughts: We got married on 9/5/09 – Labor Day weekend. As it turns out, that date happened to be my great-grandparents’ wedding anniversary; it was a lovely coincidence, but not a deciding factor for us.
Things that were part of the decision:
We had lots of family and friends traveling from far and wide to be there, so having a long weekend mattered to us.
I was in grad school and working at the same university. We needed a wedding that worked with the academic calendar. We agreed to have a honeymoon after the end of fall semester, so the three-day weekend at the start of the semester also allowed for a built-in relaxation time post-wedding.
We wanted to be married outside, in a garden, at a local nature center. The garden’s peak bloom times and availability helped us narrow down the date.
Things that didn’t matter:
Several friends, good friends, couldn’t make the wedding because of other weddings/impending due dates of their own children/campaigns for political office. we accepted their regrets and made plans to see and celebrate with them after the fact.
Several friends, good friends, planned their own weddings for the rest of the month of September. In the weeks following our own wedding, we attended three other weddings. No joke. And it was great fun. It rocked to watch our friends experience the same kind of joy we had just felt. It rocked to celebrate these marriages as a married couple. It rocked to get to wear my own rehearsal dinner dress and bridal shower dress again, as wedding guest dresses. :)
So I echo what others have said – decide what matters to you and your partner and do your best to make that happen. Take everything else in stride, and cry it out when you need to. Good luck to all the ladies planning!
January 28, 2011 8:02 am
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great advice Alyssa! as usual.
I kind of always loved the idea of a springtime wedding, and then saw that the first day of spring was a Saturday in 2010, and basically had kittens (Zach liked it too of course). And then it turned out that was also his parents’ anniversary (39th, so we weren’t stealing a huge milestone anniversary or anything), and they loved the idea of our getting married that day.
We thought it was set but we had a bit of a scare when a friend-of-a-good-friend, who got engaged a bit before us, started talking about the same exact day. Thankfully they were not set on that date, and when they found out we had really set our hearts on it, they went with the following weekend no problem. I was really relieved they were so agreeable about it, I would never have fought them on it and really didn’t want to make my good friend choose between our weddings, so we would have just had to go with a totally different date. It would have been fine, but having it work out the way it did was awesome. Except for my friend who had to party at 2 weddings back to back – but she didn’t seem to mind too much, a week is plenty of time to recover from a hangover. :)
January 28, 2011 8:29 am
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[Another longtime reader, first-time commenter!]
‘As Meg says, “Your wedding is not an international event.”‘
My wedding IS an international event, damnit! I live in England, the boy works in Asia, and the wedding is where I grew up in NY.
Now that I have the completely unproductive first comment out of the way… we got engaged in Dec ’09 and picked a date in May 2012. The boy wanted warm weather. I wanted a date that was far enough away that I wouldn’t go crazy trying to plan across two oceans, and that also wasn’t right on top of my PhD submission deadline (ahhh). Working around holidays and Jewish holidays, we picked a date. It’s still so far away that nobody has had a reason to complain (yet). Great!
But then the boy decided he actually wanted to live in the same country as me (yay!), and we realized we needed a marriage license to get him a visa. In the span of 2 weeks, we went from happily planning a wedding in May 2012 to rapidly planning a shotgun immigration wedding on the beach in Hawaii at sunset (I was going anyway for a conference, and he was tagging along for fun). Our shotgun elopement was supposed to be 12/10/10… but it POURED that day. In a part of Hawaii that hardly ever gets rain. And the airline lost my luggage. I was not a happy camper.
Since it was just the two of us, we decided two hours before the ceremony to switch to 12/14/10. It worked for us :) Only a few people know we’re married now, and we’re back to planning a wedding with family and friends in May 2012. To us, weddings are about celebrating with community… not about when you actually sign the paper. But it’s a funny middle space that we’re living in now.
January 28, 2011 8:56 am
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that is an awesome story. congrats! :)
January 28, 2011 10:21 am
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“To us, weddings are about celebrating with community… not about when you actually sign the paper. ” Can’t exactly this enough.
January 28, 2011 12:49 pm
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Desiree – I hear what you’re saying. But as others have commented, she’ll either make it or she won’t. Maybe she should have an honest talk with her daughter about the situation, and it’s entirely possible the daughter would be understanding if her mom had to miss her recital. She could even put it in the context of how much her daughter is going to miss her friends when they move away, and how you are a friend that she has known for a long, long time and she wants to be there for you on this special day.
And L. – I remember wanting my wedding on a different day originally, and it didn’t work out. Truth is, a year and a bit later, I don’t even remember the situation or the original date I wanted because I have such wonderful memories from October 11, 2009. No matter when you get married, it’ll be awesome.
January 28, 2011 9:04 am
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We have a date in May, which conflicts with relatives’ vacation schedules, friends’ vacation schedules, and graduations. Whenever someone has told me that they were going to be in [spectacular vacation city] during the planned wedding festivities, I told them that we would be happy to know they were having a good time. I don’t really expect anyone to change their life plans to accommodate my wedding date. And, I appreciate that people don’t expect me to change my wedding plans to accommodate their life. Also, as a wedding photographer, I work many weekends. My good friends know to give me their wedding dates well in advance, so I can clear that day on my calendar.
January 28, 2011 9:08 am
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We got engaged last June and decided to get married on July 30, 2011. Mostly because where we are getting married did not have any booksing for the rooms (It’s a bed and breakfeast) and because it was a bit less busy for them. Plus we live in Idaho and were pretty sure the snow would stop by then ;) . So one aquiatance (sp) and one somewhat friend who I met and realized I went to high school with her Fiance decided in the last week they are getting married on the same day. I was kinda mad. I pouted and stomped for about….five mins. Then I got over it. Mostly because I am already that much farther ahead in planning and it would suck to start all over again. And it’s their day too. Planning a date can be quite tricky, working around peoples schedule, potential bridemaids pregnancys (Ok you should do a post about that because that one does make me a little bit annoyed), and a busy tourist summer where we are getting married so go with what works best for YOU. Because guess what, that one whole day is yours, enjoy it!!
January 28, 2011 9:20 am
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