Today Alyssa is back with Ask Team Practical Friday, talking about fun in marriage (and good sex). Because yes, both totally exist. Also, while I'm at it, I should clue you in on a little secret. Alyssa has started up her own blog called Kind of a Mess, where she's hilarious every day of the week. I've been bugging her to do this for well over a year, since back when she was what David called "Lysachelle, Meg's biggest fan!" and when I would cry about my blog re-launch he would tell me, "Don't worry, Lysachelle will still read it!" Anyway, now we know Lysachelle's real name is Alyssa, and she's hilarious in real life too, and she finally has her own blog. Except don't read it now, because first you want to read her post, and share your secret marital fun. And then read it. Obviously.
Today's question is a little different but more important than you'd think upon first reading.
A. asks, "I see a lot of talk about the seriousness of marriage and how you'll be and how important it is. But what about the fun? My partner and I are fun, and we do a lot of great things together. I'm worried that the fun will stop after marriage. It's not that I'm afraid of commitment or that marriage will change us. But married couples just don't seem too...fun. I don't want marriage to make us (and our sex life) boring, like an old couple in a cafe who don't speak to each other."
Well, fun just depends on your attitude. Just the fact that you're thinking about it makes it less likely to happen. If you expect to be old and boring when you get married, you probably will. But if you go into your marriage thinking, "A. and N. Super couple of awesomeness. This will not stop," well then, the party should keep on rocking. Keep your relationship flexible to handle any natural changes, but if fun is your priority, then keep it at the top of your to-do list.
The problem is not that you might turn out to be un-fun, but that you might have some bad information about marriage. And at APW, clearing up misconceptions is what we do best.
It wasn't clear from your letter what kind of fun you mean, but keep in mind that fun is subjective. Your fun is not going to be another couple's fun, so don't compare yourself or look to others to judge your relationship. Especially since you only view snippets of other people's relationships at any given time. That old couple in the cafe? There is a distinct chance that they finish up their nice silent brunch, and then run home and strip down buck nekkid and play canasta. Your fun is not their fun. (Editors note: or IS it?)
Decide what kind of fun you want. Maybe you want to sail around the world (or maybe you really don't, I'm not sure I do, I just want to read about it). Maybe you want to buy chickens. Maybe you want to read decorating magazines next to your husband on a hot summer day. Maybe you want to make your husband a boob cake (What? I just gratuitously linked to my new blog. Meg said it was ok. Deal with it.) Regardless, sit down and make yourself a list of what's fun for you both.
And don't feel like in order to be "fun" you need to be out all the time DOING something. Just like weddings, your fun with your honey needn't always be spectacularly blog-worthy. I feel I really did learn about love from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Remember that scene where they’re lying in bed, smothering each other with a pillow? That was the WEIRDEST thing when I first saw it when I was single and dating. “WHAT are they doing? That’s so freaky,” said I, Miss Judy Judger.
But now? Now I realize that when you're married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable. You find things that you enjoy together that you might never do by yourself or with friends. (That couple that talks about redoing their bathroom with excitement? They really are having fun.) There’s nothing wrong with being strange with each other. The best part of coupling up is that you can truly be yourself. That doesn’t make you guys weird. That makes you awesome. (Okay, and maybe a little weird.)
And the jokes about married sex being boring? LIES. Hello, sex with someone you're madly in love with is good even when it's mediocre. Plus, when you're married, you get a chance to do the crazy sexy-time things that you always wanted to, but didn’t want to try for fear of ridicule from a partner who might bring it up to friends during a fight or on Facebook. But no longer. As a married woman, I’m free to step out of the bathroom nekkid and say, “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord. Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.” It’s totally okay.
Of course, your husband may be like mine and respond to this by looking up from his Xbox and saying, “HUH? You’re butter made? What the hell are you talking about?” Cause those crazy sexy-time things don’t always work out. And it’ll still be okay.
So don't worry about losing the fun. Marriage, in and of itself, is fun. So's not being married. You didn't worry about you and your fiance being boring while dating, don't worry about it changing when you're married.
So Team Practical, let's talk fun. How do you keep it up in your marriage? What weird stuff is fun for you guys? Or, you know, what OBVIOUSLY entertaining stuff is fun for you (nekkid canasta)? Tell us about the hilarious and awesome parts of a often-taken-far-too-seriously institution.
My fiance talked me into snow-camping on Christmas Eve. And you know what? We had a hoot!
It was 18°, there was 2 feet of snow, and the park was technically closed.
But I would love to do it again!
February 25, 2011 4:46 am
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“I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord.” Hahaha. I love this post.
February 25, 2011 4:53 am
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Ha ha, I laughed so hard at this part because it is exactly something that I would do, and get the same response only usually it’s a PS3 involved. :p
February 25, 2011 7:37 am
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Yes! After several incidents ending with my hurt feelings, I learned that he *will not see me* (even if I’m nekkid) if he’s playing video games.
February 25, 2011 2:09 pm
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It is very difficult to muffle laughing THAT hard while sitting in my cubicle, but I managed it. Alyssa, you’re HILARIOUS.
February 25, 2011 8:14 am
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For my fiance, it’s World of Warcraft…though nudity can often distract him- if only momentarily. Haha!
March 2, 2011 9:45 am
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I think the key in keeping my marriage fun is to do new things together and to have a social life that exists outside of just the two of us. The lovely thing about marriage is the comfort and security it offers but on the flip side I think marriages become boring when both people get stuck in those routines and comfort zones. So to keep things fun we’ll take mini-vacations (camping, for example) and huge vacations (like trekking to Mt. Everest). Or we’ll try a new restaurant with friends and have new conversations.
And the sex – just keep having it. Oh and our weird fun is to TRY and have the worst sex ever. It always ends up with us in tears because we’re laughing so hard and it never ends up being the worst ever.
February 25, 2011 4:55 am
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YES to mini-vacations. Getting out of routine keeps our marriage fun. I like to always have a long weekend or a trip on the horizon.
And trying to have the worst sex ever is hilarious.
February 25, 2011 6:32 am
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I am a FREAK about weekend getaways. Or weekend roadtrips. if it’s 8 hours or less, I’m driving to it.
February 25, 2011 3:29 pm
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Yes. To all of this.
February 25, 2011 8:09 am
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Ah, ironic role-playing. It can get just *so* messed up. I love it.
February 25, 2011 10:45 am
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“Oh and our weird fun is to TRY and have the worst sex ever. It always ends up with us in tears because we’re laughing so hard and it never ends up being the worst ever.”
Will I be trying this? Maybe… Well, yeah, yeah I will.
February 25, 2011 11:25 am
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You’re funny Alyssa
February 25, 2011 4:55 am
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My boyfriend and I strive to gross each other out as we both have the sense of humor of a ten year old kid. Last night, he trapped me in a wrestling lockhold (or whatever you call it) and farted in my face. I escaped by pulling on his leg hair. He said, “Well played, my dear.”
Yay, love!
February 25, 2011 5:03 am
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That’s the funniest post … er ever? I shall think ‘I am butter made’ whenever I need to belly laugh. And perfect timing — we’re off to a festival this weekend.
“but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. ”
Ah. Ah, so not just us. Good.
February 25, 2011 5:05 am
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9 months into marriage and we’re probably having more fun together than in our four years of dating. just living together means ridiculousness ensues on a regular basis. that, and a bathtub big enough for two. yup, that’s fun.
(ps. hope its not too late to send an email w/ our wedding info and picture. i have a draft sitting there but haven’t had a chance to send yet)
February 25, 2011 5:06 am
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Yes to all of this, and especially to not judging yourselves compared to other couples – it’s too easy to do that, even when it’s not based on much more than an outside observance. Oh, and the boob cake – I love it.
We’ve had a fairly tough time since we got married in October 2009, in terms of quite a few sad things happening to people we love. And so we developed a little stash of fun “things” that we bring out for each other whenever the other is feeling a bit sad. Usually this involves nothing more than blowing enormous bubbles or lighting indoor sparklers – but that little bit of silly, slightly childish fun is really really needed on grey days.
But fun takes so many forms – from having a regular Friday lunch date where we eat great food and drink beer to going for long walks, sitting in our favourite pub, or just dancing around the kitchen (my personal favourite) – and if anything, despite everything that the last year or so has thrown at us, married life is more fun than unmarried life, even if it is essentially the same.
February 25, 2011 5:06 am
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I love dancing around in the kitchen.
Neither of us are dancers, but sometimes while we’re cooking dinner we take eachother in our arms and dance to imaginary music.
February 25, 2011 5:59 am
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I want to ‘exactly’ your comment 10 times. I so agree that the stash of fun things is so needed on darker days. Tragedy struck just a few days before our wedding and so the past 6 months have been rough, sad, hard. But I am amazed by how we sneak in the fun, how at the most random times I find us laughing so hard we’re crying because even in sadness my husband is still the most hysterical person I know. I love the unexpected moments of silly and that our fun is still found in such simple things. After being together for 9 years I didn’t think things would change that much when we were married, but it is the best feeling and I agree with you, I think we’re more fun married.
February 25, 2011 8:37 am
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I woke up this morning and thought “yay, Friday!” and then I thought “OMG! It’s ASK TEAM PRACTICAL DAY!” and then realized I was a giant nerd. But I’m still excited. Never lets me down. I’ll be reading comments all day!
I was nervous about this because I’ve been in long term relationships where the fun faded, and I didn’t want that. But we both make an effort, and it works. (He’s eagerly concentrating on work and I run-by-flash-him. He makes muffins cut in half talk to me. We have ridiculous word-duels. When one of us gets fed up with this country, the other shrieks “SCANDINAVIA!” which makes the first dissolve in peals of laughter (shorthand for let’s move away and live someplace with socialized medicine and more equal pay and great ma/paternity leave). We have Iron Chef style cook-offs. We watch crazy TV like Mega Prianha and laugh hysterically. We geek out about home remodeling, beer, travel, politics, books, etc.)
It’ll be what you want it to be. It was worth it to me to bring this worry up to my partner, and to talk about what would be red flags for us (grumping more than laughing means that one of us needs to shake things up. Try some run-by-nudity. Always works.) We’re building this our way, and it is ours.
February 25, 2011 5:10 am
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Yes to the run-by-nudity. I’m currently in project “get curtains for our large living room picture windows” so that we can spread the fun into more of the house without freaking out the neighbors.
February 25, 2011 5:18 am
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I am a huge fan of the run-by nudity.
February 25, 2011 6:37 am
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You guys sound awesome. I googled “emigrating to Norway” yesterday and found that it’s not so easy, sadly :(
BTW…Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is re-airing on March 15 at 9 PM. Just in case you missed it the first time like I did.
February 25, 2011 9:07 am
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“BTW…Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is re-airing on March 15 at 9 PM. Just in case you missed it the first time like I did.”
This is crucial info; thank you! I’m so glad people love the awesomely terrible Sci-Fi channel movies the way we do. I think our favorite is still Ice Spiders 2. :)
February 25, 2011 10:51 am
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Oh my goodness. How awesome. When I say that you-all remind me of my dad in your love of awful, awful Sci-Fi channel flicks, rest assured that is a compliment.
February 25, 2011 10:08 pm
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Dude! So. fab.
(Emigration to any of the really good places is difficult. Sad trombone.)
February 25, 2011 11:42 am
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I love this comment so much. I would exactly it a million times if I could.
February 25, 2011 11:37 am
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I have a game that I play where we’ll be sitting on the couch watching a movie or something, and I’ll sneak one boob out of my shirt and sit there like nothing’s out of the ordinary…and then I win when he looks over :) Sadly this is more ridiculous than sexy.
Other games I play (read, I vicitimize him regularly), whenever he bends over, I start mock humping him doggie style with enthusiasm, in the grocery store, outdoors, when his mom’s back is turned. Too.much.fun.
So starting to do run by flashing!
February 25, 2011 12:06 pm
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Are we maybe the same person? Because I do ALL of these things.
February 25, 2011 12:12 pm
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LOL, that makes me feel so great to know I’m not the only one out there terrorizing my fiance!
But seriously, it’s way easier to be funny than it is to be seductive…sometimes my goofiness works against me.
And here I thought I was the original inventor of boob flash game!
February 25, 2011 12:16 pm
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You guys. This morning. Kamel made my breakfast TOTALLY NAKED. and every time I saw him in the kitchen and his bare, freshly showered (this is key) ass next to the stove, it made me smile. :) hehehehehehe. Is that a TMI? He may kill me for sharing this. And I’m totally stealing the one boob out of the shirt thing. STOLEN. DONE!
February 25, 2011 3:31 pm
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My mom reads here, so mom, turn away. Done the first one. Laughing right now just thinking about it.
February 25, 2011 4:15 pm
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I have a HORRID chest cold, and I want you to know I was BEYOND happy to cough for 60 seconds just because your comment made me laugh SO HARD. Love the one boob so much.
February 25, 2011 7:26 pm
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Can i exactly this a million times? cough…laugh…laugh..cough…cough…
February 25, 2011 7:59 pm
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Doggie humping from behind, especially while the man is trying to do something serious, like cut carrots, kills me every time. And him. Too damn funny.
February 25, 2011 8:54 pm
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I can’t wait until our other roommate finally moves out next week so I can introduce run-by-nudity into the fun (and selfishly so I can have an office)
February 25, 2011 9:03 pm
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SAME! I love our roommate but definitely agree, things will be different when he’s gone… evil grin.
Lauren’s story about naked (or as Alyssa and my mom say it: nekkid) breakfast made me think of a recent memory. My fiance did a strip tease to Thelonious Monk which ended up being the most ridiculous dance ever, with lots of butt shaking. Basically picture trying to DANCE to experimental jazz while also sexily removing articles of clothing. I was belly laughing.
It’s these kinds of moments, and the silly conversations we have (not to mention the silly voices) that I love so much.
February 27, 2011 12:55 pm
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I just died laughing on a crowded metro car. Buttermade? Amazing.
I think its perfect to remember that your fun is exactly that, and noone but the two of you need to understand it. I happen to be one of those people who finds joy in renovating a bathroom, so I know exactly what you mean.
Love Ask Team Practical Fridays :)
February 25, 2011 5:27 am
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We permanently installed a projector above our bed… that is hooked up to the computer. Had sofa pillows made for our bed. And spend a significant amount of time watching movies or playing old school video games propped in bed while eating sushi or ice cream that we had delivered. It’s kind of embarrassing when people asked you what you did on a Saturday night and your answer is eating ice cream in bed while playing pong but I swear it’s some of the best time we spend together.
And you know what… honestly most everything we do together ends up being fun. But… I realize our relationship is pretty new at just 2 years and I realize that it might be harder after say 20 years and a few kids. I’d love to hear from people who are still having fun decades down the line…
February 25, 2011 5:30 am
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This.
This is such a great idea.
I have to go price projectors now…
February 25, 2011 5:59 am
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Projector in the bedroom = genius! This would be the greatest thing to happen to my husband if we got one, I think. (Greatest thing after me, of course.) My friends probably wonder what’s happened to me, but playing video games with my husband is one of my favorite things ever.
February 25, 2011 7:01 am
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Been together 11 years (still not married yet). And yeah. Video games and ice cream in bed just don’t ever get old. Especially if you take it as seriously as having custom-made gamer pillows for your bed. SO loving that idea!
February 25, 2011 10:49 am
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A projector on the ceiling and couch pillows? That sounds amazing, and made of win.
February 25, 2011 11:45 am
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And guaranteed to make me never leave the house. That’s the first step onto me realizing my fat kid dreams of doing absolutely everything from a bed and never leaving…
February 25, 2011 12:35 pm
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I love that “your fun may not be our fun”, but I just sighed in relief that our fun is your fun too. I will no longer hold my ice-cream-and-movies-in-bed-on-a-Saturday-night head in shame.
February 25, 2011 3:30 pm
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Pants-free zone. No pants allowed unless you’re expecting company or about to pick up take-out. Endless fun comes from this. Aside from the obvious sexy fun that often results from two people sharing a sofa pantsless, it often turns into a game. “You’ve been arrested by the pants police for trespassing into a no-pants zone.” “Oh, I feel so ill, something must be terribly wrong – OH GOD I’VE GOT THE PANTS!! HELP!!” Ahem. Not that those things have ever happened. heh heh.
February 25, 2011 5:30 am
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hehe, I love this. My fiance’s nickname for me (one of many) is “pants”…lol
February 25, 2011 8:14 am
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ME TOO!!!!! I’m so excited to hear that!
February 25, 2011 7:29 pm
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We have a pants-free zone too. It makes everything more fun.
February 25, 2011 12:00 pm
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OMG. That is hilarious! When my little brother was about 5, we went to the beach (in Oregon, where the beaches are always, always cold and no one ever gets in the water) and (of course) he insisted on getting totally wet. His pants ended up in a plastic bag in the backseat on the way home and when we got pulled over later for speeding, my mom told him it was the No-Pants Police coming to give him a ticket. We still joke about it, much to his distress (he’s 21 now).
Sorry, that was so not wedding related, but still amusing. For me, at least. :)
February 25, 2011 12:06 pm
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This made me laugh. Thanks for sharing it!
February 25, 2011 12:21 pm
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I need to institute this. We’ve been relative newbies to serious no pants rules, as our fun sometimes involves randomly pants-ing the other person. Bonus points if it’s in public. So much fun to be had!
February 25, 2011 12:12 pm
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We have a “pants rule”: NO PANTS IN OUR BED. Pajama pants are acceptable but frowned upon. ;-)
February 27, 2011 9:51 pm
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Oh my word this is the funniest post I’ve read in forever. Well done Aylssa for bringing some cheer to our fridays. Also, as a 22 year old 5-months-away fiancee, I have received so many comments on how I”m sure to become ‘old and boring’ once I’m married, or how I will be “so mature” compared to all my other friends. And I always think “Huh?” Why does getting married make you boring – it’s possibly the biggest funnest thing I’ll do in a long while. And it so great to hear so many already-wives saying the same thing, so encouraging!
Also, fun* for us is walking around a big supermarket really slowly looking at all the interesting things we could buy. So from the outside people probably walk past us and think “Oh, they’re just doing their weekly shop.” But we’re not. We don’t even need anything. It’s a date.
(*Though we do have fun in other ways too.)
February 25, 2011 6:02 am
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We do this too! We walk around Whole Foods and eat cheese samples. Then we walk around again and pretend we’re encountering the cheese for the first time, and eat more.
February 25, 2011 9:05 am
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haha…. the cheese samples at Whole Foods are definitely a highlight for my fiance and I.
February 25, 2011 10:21 am
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YES! to grocery store dates. One of my favorite things to do by myself is grocery shopping. I can spend hours in Central Market. I do challenge myself to buy one food I’ve never cooked with on any bigger grocery trip. The most recent new thing was chicken feet. If you want to be with me, I hope you would enjoy grocery shopping too!
February 25, 2011 12:59 pm
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“I’m free to step out of the bathroom nekkid and say, “I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord.” Oh my goodness that is mega funny!! Because it’s totally true. I am not yet married (engaged, together for 4 years, have lived together for 3 years) but sometimes I think….hmm we are getting a bit old and boring (because life with a mortgage and full time jobs is a little different to being a student!). But then the times when my fiancé does a happy dance because Celtic have beat Rangers and dances round the room with one of the cats…..that is when I think ‘Hells yizzle this is the shizz.’.
February 25, 2011 6:05 am
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We’ve been known to Corporal Cuddle the cat when she’s especially trying, or attempt Cat Yodeling. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, the video The Engineer’s Guide To Cats will enlighten you. And possibly make you laugh.) Dancing with the cat is new though. I’ll have to try it.
February 25, 2011 12:05 pm
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I’m curious to know how the Cat Yodeling went. Is that weird? haha.
February 26, 2011 6:10 am
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It fails every time. Not sure if it’s because my cat is not yodelable or if it’s bad technique on my part. Oh well. The Corporal Cuddling is irritating enough to her!
February 26, 2011 8:51 pm
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Ha! Loved the Engineer’s Guide. Corporate cuddles officially incorporated in our house :-)
If you like cats, you might also like this comic: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cat_vs_internet The psssts and mrows are part ouf our marriage-in-spe fun.
February 27, 2011 12:11 pm
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We’ve been known to “ATTACK KITTY!” where one of us is the kitty. It’s so silly. Also, ATTACK CUDDLE! And I usually end up getting tickled until I’m breathless.
February 27, 2011 1:00 pm
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Yay for that video! I already do the Corporal Cuddle but didn’t have a name for it.
March 1, 2011 8:49 pm
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OH hilarious. Alyssa, this gig was MADE FOR YOU. Oh, and 500 points for the Eternal Sunshine spotlight. Best movie ever.
I second run-by flashing. Never fails.
For fun: we watch a lot of the old Dick van Dyke Show from bed, and then laugh hard at ourselves when our arguments start to sound like Rob & Laura’s. We’re also huge enablers of each other’s crazy ideas: if he wants to scout out a house used in a movie, even though it’s in a mega-bucks private community, we put on the cool and cruise in like we own it; if I want to go walk in the woods after a 2-foot snowstorm, we strap on the boots, hike down the highway, and get lost in the white. Not to mention 30′s Hollywood re-creation photo shoots, and my hair-brained idea to buy a tiny sailboat. That we didn’t know how to use. I think that’s a huge key to keeping the fun in our relationship. When one of us gets excited about something — anything — we make it happen for both of us. Why not?
February 25, 2011 6:05 am
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The mutual excitement is totally the key. Enthusiasm is definitely contagious. Last month I decided I really wanted to learn to drink (or rather *enjoy*) scotch. So we’re becoming scotch drinkers together :)
He is a total baseball fanatic and his love of that has gotten me pretty excited to go to minor league games when the weather is nice. We never believed that we should do everything together, but it’s hard to not enjoy something your partner loves.
February 25, 2011 6:23 am
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“The mutual excitement is totally the key.” YES! Thank you. What a great summary of this discussion.
February 25, 2011 1:01 pm
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We watch the Dick Van Dyke show, too! (and then my husband copies Sallie’s voice and start ad-libbing and cracks me up…)
February 25, 2011 7:59 am
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OMG… I totally mentioned the Dick Van Dyke Show in my comment too! Ha!
February 25, 2011 11:11 am
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It was such a revelation to me to discover that my husband has a silly side! I had subconsciously assumed that I would forever have to keep my weirdness hidden except when visiting my sister. But then to find out he can be as silly as me?! Amazing.
It’s been quite a pressure-filled couple of months for us so the shape of our fun has changed a bit to accommodate two tired and stressed people, but its still there – just looks like whisky and popcorn while watching Friends all evening. I have definitely been guilty of being terrified of becoming a boring married couple that doesn’t have sex, but even in the challenging seasons, there are still moments of fun, and definitely great sex :)
February 25, 2011 6:07 am
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Yes!! I could’ve said the same thing about the weirdness reserved for sister only. :)
I was so glad to learn that I have a guy who appreciates weird humor. In fact the other night the guy and I were video chatting with my sister and we all were cracking up over the same weird joke.
So, yes to this!
February 25, 2011 12:46 pm
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“It was such a revelation to me to discover that my husband has a silly side! I had subconsciously assumed that I would forever have to keep my weirdness hidden except when visiting my sister. But then to find out he can be as silly as me?! Amazing.”
I always assumed, as well, that I would only be 100% myself in front of my sister, so I was a tad shocked at how amazingly silly I can be in front of my FH, and how totally little boy silly he can be, too! Those always make for the best laughs.
February 25, 2011 3:02 pm
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So glad to see this post! Married life gets such a bad rap. (Isn’t there a movie coming out soon about two guys who get a “marriage free” weekend? Why do they need that?!) If anything, I’m looking forward to more fun and laughter in marriage. There will be stresses and bad times, sure, but as long as my fiance and I can keep making funny noises to each other like it’s our own language, I think we’ll be all right.
February 25, 2011 6:11 am
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I was just talking to a friend about this; she’s been married 5+ years and we’ve been married 5+ months. We both agreed that fun is absolutely ESSENTIAL and that no, it does not and SHOULD not disappear after marriage if it’s a part of your relationship! I think my favorite quote from her was in reference to her sister’s troubled marriage: “I really think that they would be having an easier time of it if they just made baby animal voices sometimes.”
There is so much serious stuff, and heavy stuff, and we promised to deal with that, and we are dealing with that. But we also both (independently!) promised in our vows to continue to be silly, to have fun, to go on adventures. For us, that often means, um, talking like the dog. In the dog voice. Yes, the dog has a voice.
Keep your fun! Whatever it is, own it. In the words of XKCD, “We’re grownups now, and it’s our turn to decide what that means.”
February 25, 2011 6:16 am
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I would just like to say that baby velociraptor noises are my favorite.
February 25, 2011 7:12 am
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Let me just say that baby dinosaur noises are a must. Especially when one of us has had a really bad long day and needs cheering up. The conversation usually goes something like this.
me “Hi love, how was your day?”
him *insert baby dinosaur noises”
me “That bad eh? Well d*mn because here I was hoping to seduce
you now that you’re home.”
him *smile* “Okay!”
February 25, 2011 8:29 am
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Too cute! We ended up making up our own dinosaurs with their own sounds (Poutasaurus, Grumpasaurus, Agitateasaurus, etc). So if one of us is having a down day the other will say, “Are you a Poutasaurus today?” And the Poutasaurus would respond, “Mraaaawww.” And then we’d crack up, and there’d be less pouting.
Dinosaur noises: a sure fire way to get rid of the grumpies.
February 26, 2011 6:16 am
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Hehehehe. Velociraptor. For us this would totally turn into a hilarious bout of one-upsmanship. I’d be all “rawr, I’m a velociraptor” and he’d be like “That’s ridiculous. They sound nothing like that. They sound like rrrrrrROAR!!”. Then I’d be like, “No. You know nothing. I spent all Saturday watching a documentary on prehistoric roars and velociraptors say ‘rawr’” He’d then go off about how he spent 7 years on a archeological dig studying the anatomy of fossilized velociraptor throats and was awarded a Nobel Prize for this groundbreaking research in velociraptor vocalization and language. And so on until one of us cracks and we die laughing because we’re so *clever*.
February 25, 2011 10:03 am
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Sputnik, our cat, also has a voice. She also curses like a sailor. We can crack each other up all day long with the Sputnik voice.
It also comes in handy when we’re behind on housework- one of us can say “hey jerk-os, ever think about cleaning up the house?” in the cat’s voice. It brings up the fact that we need to clean without being negative or blaming each other.
February 25, 2011 7:40 am
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I love the cat telling you to clean the house!
This is such a great idea!
February 25, 2011 12:28 pm
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I really like that your cat’s name is Sputnik. And that she is a cursing cat.
February 25, 2011 12:58 pm
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Yes! We blame a lot of things on the dog, too. It’s a similar way of saying that something needs to be done without blaming.
“Gosh, Ned, you were home all day, and you couldn’t even sweep! Come on. ”
“But, mom, I’m tired and I work really hard to protect the house.”
“You might want to think about doing it soon. Our den is kind of gross.”
Then we look at each other and laugh.
March 22, 2011 9:14 am
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Do Joe Pesci impressions count as voices? Because our house is constantly filled with them. Actually, there are a lot of scenes from gangster movies spontaneously recreated in our living room. Oh you think that’s funny, I’m funny to you? I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you?
February 25, 2011 7:45 am
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I love XKCD, and that one is a favorite. And it's TRUE! We talk so much about choice here, when it comes to women's choices, but this is another case of that. We are grownups, we are living our lives, and we get to decide what "married" means. We're reclaiming wife, marriage, ALL of it. So make goofy faces.
February 25, 2011 8:20 am
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I bought a signed print of that comic and framed it and gave it to David for Christmas one year. I love it.
(My friend loved it so much she built a ball pit in her spare room. Seriously.)
February 25, 2011 8:32 am
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We used that comic on our wedding site, along with XKCD-esque stick figure drawings of ourselves. We have the XKCD Loves the Discovery Channel print and have fun arguing about Wikipedia’s list of common misconceptions <3
February 25, 2011 8:54 am
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Our dogs have voices too! :P Plus my fiancee/husband (long story) has a myriad of accents that he does quite well and sometimes when things are low he busts out one of them and it breaks the tension. Hooray for funny voices of all kinds :)
February 25, 2011 9:18 am
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my husband does this with our jack russell mix– british accent. he even jokes about writing a children’s book one day featuring our dog. I think he should do it!
February 25, 2011 10:33 am
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We have a jack russell terrier as well, and he’s the light of our life. We both pretend to have conversations with him when he’s not even with us. We mimic comedian Brian Regan’s voice when we’re “quoting” our dog, and he’s a hilarious dog, if I do say so myself :)
February 25, 2011 11:51 am
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Ha, Brian Regan would do SUCH good dog voices!! “Take…luck!”
February 25, 2011 12:34 pm
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Ball pit! Another great and apt xkcd is the blanket fort. “I won’t pretend fun things aren’t still fun out of looking silly.” Especially when it involves your SO curled up nekkid, and no one else around.
February 25, 2011 12:15 pm
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“Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”
This is so us! We always joke about what people would think if they could see how we behave alone. Being wierd and crazy is the most fun!
February 25, 2011 6:16 am
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One of the most fun things we have done recently: about 2 weeks before our wedding (we just got married 3 weeks ago) I was moving some of my belongings into our new apartment where A. had already moved in, and we had dinner together, sitting on the couch. I don’t know how it happened or why, but whilst eating green beans, one of us spit one at the other (this works really well, with the shape of green beans, you can really shoot them. if you were wondering.) and suddenly we were shooting them across the room, trying to catch them in our mouths, etc. It was then I knew for sure that married life was going to be awesomely and hilariously fun. And I’ll probably be finding green beans behind the couch for a while.
February 25, 2011 6:18 am
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I once threw vegetables at the FH, it was the best time ever…we were on the floor laughing! Food fights are the best. Ha!
February 25, 2011 3:03 pm
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[...] Ask Team Practical: Keeping the Fun In Your Marriage « A Practical … Just like weddings your fun with your honey needn't always be spectacularly blog-worthy. I feel I really did learn about love from “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.” Remember that scene where they're lying in bed, smothering each other with a pillow That was the WEIRDEST thing when I first saw it when I was single and dating. “WHAT are they doing? That's so freaky,” said I, Miss Judy Judger. But now? Now I realize that when you're married (or even in a long-term . [...]
February 25, 2011 6:26 am
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Oh, shoot yes. This post is a WINNER. If there was a window into our relationship most of the time, people would judge us so hard. We also indulge in the baby animal voices, the dancing. I have realized only in being married how I’m completely unsexy I am, and everytime I try to do something sexy, I end up running into our desk or falling over… My hubby still thinks I’m hot though, and hilarious. Which, is there anything better than knowing you make your husband laugh? It’s my favorite.
February 25, 2011 6:32 am
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AAHHHH. ALYSSA. you keeeeel me. hilarious. and of course you should link to the boob cake post hello. nobody should have to go through life without having read that.
yes. fun! great topic this week. we definitely need more messages counteracting that defeatist attitude that married life gets dull. I think it’s a really great point that my fun is not your fun, and sometimes a snapshot of an old married couple doing something seemingly boring isn’t the whole picture of their life. I need to keep reminding myself of that.
marrying possibly the goofiest man alive really helps. sometimes we just sit on the couch and make a series of crazy faces at each other, each trying to out-goof the other until the only faces we can manage are laughing ones. we play cribbage and watch a lot of america’s funniest home videos! cooking together is always fun (especially with that VS apron whaaat), and then long walks with the dog, date nights at new restaurants, etc. We have goals to travel more, when we’re back to 2 incomes, but for now we just try to be creative with our limited funds. when spring finally gets heeeere, we’ll be able to do more outdoorsy type stuff like hiking.
February 25, 2011 6:36 am
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Thank god people cannot peek in and view the absurdity going on in our house. And thank god there is a ton of absurdity.
February 25, 2011 6:37 am
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this is a fantastic post… made me grin quite ridiculously, so thanks. i have a couple of friends who aren’t married and when i describe my life to them (i only work part time and thus spend lots of time on my own when J is working full time, etc) they seem to think that somehow i need consoling or entertainment. but then i’m like, hey. i love to read. i love to watch movies, AND i have a husband who comes home every night, and we LIVE TOGETHER. i’m not alone, and just cause snuggling on the couch watching old bbc mysteries on youtube (lord peter wimsey anyone?) isn’t your cup of tea doesn’t mean we aren’t having a blast!
so yeah. three cheers for not judging your happiness by someone else’s ideas, and finding the little things that make you happy!
February 25, 2011 6:43 am
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I love to knit and there was a period where I felt like we were getting to be this old couple where he reads and I knit and the cat sat in our laps and OH MY GOD we’re SO BORING!
But you know what? We’re not sitting in silence stewing in our boringness..we’re talking, laughing, dreaming, enjoying each others company. And hello? That’s fun and makes us happy! And you know..if that also happens to be a no pants zone…well that’s fun too :)
So yes! No judging your happiness by someone else’s ideas!
February 25, 2011 7:09 am
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Plus, knitting is effing awesome. Are you on Ravelry?
February 25, 2011 9:43 am
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that I am – although I’m just working on getting photos of things up there. I’m “knimblefingers”
February 25, 2011 9:59 am
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Found you!
February 25, 2011 10:56 am
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I’m so with you on the not needing consolation. Husband and I are doing the long-distance thing right now so we’re only together on weekends. When people find this out they’re all “Oh you poor thing all alone! What do you do with yourself?!?!” I’m always thinking, well pretty much the same things I did when I was single which are also a lot of the same things I do when my husband is with me.
Getting married hasn’t turned me into a child in need of constant care and entertainment. I can still pass a very pleasant afternoon sipping hot tea and devouring a book. And the days when my husband can join me and read his own book on the opposite end of the couch? So much the sweeter.
February 25, 2011 8:26 am
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“There’s nothing wrong with being strange with each other. The best part of coupling up is that you can truly be yourself.”
YES! I love being weird with my fiance. I once told one of my good lady friends that the thing that truly made me love him was the freedom we had in our relationship to construct alternate dialogues and conversations that don’t really gel with those found in regular society, i.e. we are just really weird(ly honest) together.
February 25, 2011 6:57 am
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“HUH? You’re butter made?”
LOLOL!! This was hilarious, Alyssa!
I totally agree – some of my favorite times/memories are just us, doing weird, goofy, unplanned sh*t (strip scrabble, riding grocery carts in the parking lot, competitive table-clearing, drawing stick figure portraits, etc).
One awesome thing we’ve been doing lately (thanks to reading it on… someone else’s blog, don’t remember who) is a “no technology” night. Otherwise, we do sometimes get sucked in by our laptops and PS3, and even though that can be lovely and companionable sitting side by side and surfing the ‘net, I was noticing that we were just doing it *too much* lately (probably also because it’s cold and snowy out).
And this might sound cliche/women’s magazine-type-advice, but for me, it’s also important to every once in a while pull out some tight dress and frilly lingerie. Even if we’re not leaving our apt… Just to remind myself that, while my husband loves me no matter what and tells me I’m cute in sweatpants (though I can never quite believe him), I’m still the same flirty girl I was when I met him 6 yrs ago.
Now as far as keeping marriage/sex fun after kids – I have NO idea how this works and am frankly kind of baffled by how couples do that… (kids aren’t in our future, though, so maybe that’s why I’m so mystified?)
February 25, 2011 7:13 am
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I would LOVE a no technology night, for that very same reason. For all of the easyness that being in the same room with a zillion devices can hold, it’s also nice to put everything down and say, hey, you. POKE. Let’s have some face-to-face time. Unfortunately for me, when my husband isn’t working, he always has to be reachable, which leads to phone calls and texts whenever.
We went skiing last year and just happened to have shitty reception. (And by shitty, I mean nonexistent.) It was THE BEST.
February 25, 2011 9:49 am
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I wonder if there is someone out there with kids who might be able to do a post on keeping marriage fun? I would certainly be interested in hearing about that!
February 25, 2011 1:05 pm
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We’ve only had a kid added to our mix for 6 months, so I’m not an expert on having fun while being a parent, but. What we’ve found is it’s largely the same as y’all are talking about here, but sometimes with modifications. I think big-picture it’s like other APW topics: if you make it (whether “it” is beautiful wedding flowers or silly fun with your partner or writing a book or being butter made parents) a priority, you’ll find a way to make it work. [And then I wrote much, much more and realized, "Hey! I--yep, little ol' me--can write and submit a post. Now in progress....]
Something specific I recently ran across on another blog (can’t remember which) was buying bathtub crayons & using them in your shower. I got that for us as a Valentines Day gift, and it is a genius idea! It is the nicest thing to take a shower & start off your day literally surrounded by loving, positive thoughts. And stick figures with bewbs.
February 25, 2011 2:37 pm
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I like the crayon shower drawings and notes idea. :) And I certainly look forward to hearing more from you about your experience. What you say does make sense though- if a couple makes it a priority, they can keep things fun. But I am just wondering how hard that might be to keep that a priority once kid(s) come along and am hoping to hear some wise things from other women before we get to that stage. :)
February 25, 2011 3:24 pm
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I’ve been scanning the comments looking for someone talking about this from a post-kid perspective. We have a tiny flat, stressful lives, a 2.5 year old & no babysitter. It’s a rough patch. We are too exhausted to make the changes we need to make to bring “fun” back in, I think.
March 1, 2011 2:34 am
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not to mention dry erase board markers on the mirror…just sayin…
February 25, 2011 8:11 pm
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YES to this post! The Hubcaps and I are such glorious dorks. When we’re listening to the radio, we love to swap out the lyrics for other rhyming words. This morning, he turned Nine Inch Nails’ “The Perfect Drug” into “The Perfect Pug,” and this turned a bleary-eyed Friday morning into fun and hilariousness.
February 25, 2011 7:14 am
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So great! I love to serenade my bf with pop songs about our cat. “Kitten in beeeeeeedddd… is sitting on me…..cheek to cheek.”
Up with fun!
February 25, 2011 12:58 pm
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Ah, you’re cat people too! We had a great song a while back about one of our cats (sung to the tune of “Iron Man,” naturally…). Love it!
February 25, 2011 1:02 pm
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This cracked me up! I do the same thing with feeding my baby. I’m sure you’ve heard of my work: Zu-Zu-Chinio? Yogurt Face? Yep, I wrote those! Sigh.
Hooray for finding a guy who can handle/join in with my dorky tendencies!
February 25, 2011 2:43 pm
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I think it all depends on what is fun to you. I have married friends who are always out and about doing things, but my husband and I are happier staying home more, and always have been. Does that mean other people don’t find us fun? Maybe, but I have more fun making dinner, or watching a movie we’ve seen a thousand times, or walking the dogs with my husband than almost anything else. And that is why I married him, and not one of the other hundred people I know. At the end of the day, that is absolutely all I care about.
February 25, 2011 7:14 am
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THIS is an incredible post. Really. The content, the writing, the humor, and the comments. Package deal!
I used to be afraid of that silent cafe couple complex also, but I now know it’s not always an unhappy scene. We’ve had many a delicious meal, paper read and people watch without exchanging that many words. To each their own fun!
February 25, 2011 7:20 am
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My husband and I wrote into our vows that we would promise to “laugh until we cry and cry until we laugh,” because we believe that laughter is so important. We have a LOT of fun together. In fact just this past weekend we went to New York, just the two of us, with no plans except for dinner reservations. It was wonderful! We also volunteer together, which gives us a sense of purpose, community and something to talk about outside of our jobs or friends. Sometimes we come up with songs (he plays the guitar and I sing and play the percussion), and record them…some are covers of real songs, and some are ridiculous made up songs like “Don’t Cat, Don’t Tell” a song featuring our cat about a cat that can’t join the military because it’s a cat. We recorded it in honor of the repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy!
February 25, 2011 7:22 am
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“Don’t Cat, Don’t Tell” sounds like the greatest song ever.
February 25, 2011 7:34 am
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My husband has lots of goofy nicknames for me and uses them to replace words in songs that he sings to me. It makes no sense, and he can barely carry a tune, but it never fails to crack us both up.
February 25, 2011 9:00 am
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Oh Alyssa, this whole post just made me laugh so much.
“Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled.”
YES. EXACTLY. The weird comes out after you’ve been cohabiting for a while. And when it does… it’s such a relief to know you married someone as strange as you.
I think our idea of fun has definitely evolved over the almost six years we’ve been together, and I know some of our friends think we’re the boring, married couple. And that’s okay, I’m alright with them thinking that. Our fun is just different from their fun these days.
February 25, 2011 7:32 am
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Yes to all of this.
When you start living with another person, you will very quickly realize that all that really weird stuff you could do when you lived alone is really difficult to hide when you are co-habitating. And also, being weirdos together makes you closer.
February 25, 2011 9:48 am
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I think the best thing about being married is that I can be my usual silly self with no fear. We do comment that we are becoming a boring old couple, but at the same time I can be incredibly silly without thinking. I can’t help it, I was raised by circus clowns (I’m completely serious).
I think at times Hubby thinks I’m crazy, but he also says it’s one of the things that he first loved about me. He comes from a very serious family and being free to be silly is liberating for him I think.
February 25, 2011 7:44 am
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Totally unrelated, but I think it’s totally cool that you were raised by circus clowns.
February 26, 2011 6:02 am
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Best post ever – I needed this today as I was having a serious case of the grumps this morning brought on by being annoyed with the hubby. It reminded me of how much fun we have together. We frequently engage in tickle fights, pantsing each other, sending naughty IM messages to each other while sitting in the same room that then turn into really random and oddball messages. (The first day we really hung out our texting conversation included having minions, Thunderdome, Rollerball and a number of other oddities).
While some things may change with marriage, the fun doesn’t have to stop. Any time you think it’s getting boring – switch it up! Do something spontaneous and crazy… or think back to when you first started dating – what was awesome about it? Relive it.
And nude run-bys. Always a good thing.
February 25, 2011 7:45 am
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Can I just say that this line made me pee myself from laughing so hard?
“I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord. Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.”
I am SO doing that next time I get out of the shower! You so funny, Alyssa. :)
February 25, 2011 8:10 am
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I’m sitting here in my cubicle, and laughing almost uncontrollably AND silently (really effing hard, I dare you to try it) at your vignette about being cleansed and shorn for your lord. Effing HILARIOUS. I love married life.
My husband and I have been together since high school, and we have the most ridiculous inside jokes and weird quirky habits. We quote random, RANDOM movies to one another, we sing showtunes and classic rock, we dance around the kitchen, we listen to NPR constantly… If someone, even someone who knew us well, saw our marriage the way we do, it would look ridiculous. We are total weirdos. But it works for us. That just-us-weirdos camaraderie is part of love.
Marriage is awesome. It’s weird, and it’s complicated, but it’s awesome. Our sex has gotten BETTER. It might have something to do with the week I spent relaxing on the beach (when I’m stressed, sex ironically becomes less of a priority, even though it would totally help de-stress me), or maybe something else, but it’s awesome. We have forever together, so we’re in no rush to do it all or be sexy all the time; we relax into a natural rhythm that works for us, which makes sex amazing. Communication is huge, and trusting one another is big, too. For us, marriage helps both of those.
February 25, 2011 8:10 am
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David and I are both homebodies, and given half a chance, we spent our evenings in the basement, hanging out, watching shows and playing video games and being silly.
But.
We’ve been married almost a year now, and we were starting to become too complacent. Home is great – home is best – but I was starting to feel boring. So. We signed up for an oil painting class, and joined his coworker’s dodgeball team. That, plus season’s NHL tickets mean we’re out of the house 2-3 evenings a week, and that means that the nights at home are so much more enjoyable – they feel like a treat. And I feel like my world is a little more fun. Not that we weren’t having fun – we do have fun at home. It’s just that having fun outside the home helps us have more fun inside. And even more things to talk about.
Also, it’s so fun to watch your partner be awesome. My colourblind husband is an astoundingly good painter, as it turns out. Standing at an easel in class and admiring each other’s work is a pretty loving feeling.
Celebrating another dodgeball win, or good out, or nice dodge is pretty great too.
I don’t think it matters what we do, I’m just happy we’re doing stuff…
February 25, 2011 8:45 am
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“It’s just that having fun outside the home helps us have more fun inside.”
I so agree with this! The every day fun is great and so important, but getting out of the house and just doing something is so healthy for us – whether it’s going somewhere we love for dinner, going to the flea market or walking around out city… we took up rock climbing last year and it’s so fun to do something completely different than normal together.
February 25, 2011 10:16 am
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We took ballroom dance classes through the local city rec program, and LOVED it. We were terrible, but SO MUCH GIGGLING while we were being terrible. :) And when you’re in each others arms dancing, you kind of end up really focusing on each other. Which is something that occasionally gets forgotten once you get used to seeing each other all the dang time.
February 25, 2011 4:14 pm
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I think we have actually had more fun since we’ve been married. The most important part of our relationship? Impromptu dance parties and karaoke sessions in the kitchen or as one of us gets out of the shower (though I might have to use that line now!). I would never have sung in front of him before (give me a choir, no sweat, but solo? Hell no.) but now we are so comfortable with each other we can belt 80′s synth pop hits all we want.
We have also forged a creative partnership based around fun. I’ve always loved hosting people and my husband is crazy creative so during the first two years we lived in an apartment that was perfect for hosting parties – our living room had been a (small) ballroom complete with already scratched wood floors. We hosted elaborate theme parties and had just as much fun planning and decorating as we did hosting.
Now that I’m pregnant and we have carpet those kind of parties are harder to do, but now we have funneled both of our creative energies into helping him get his art career off the ground. Recently that meant while he produced art for a show with the theme “Sweet Revenge” I made arty farty baked goods and we both teamed up to make razor blade lollipops – definitely a two person job.
Don’t worry we made people sign a waiver that they understood it was art and not food – though the proceeds were our first deposit into our kids college fund.
February 25, 2011 8:55 am
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Ha, my wife and I act like weirdos all the time when we’re alone, so I love this:
“Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap. Things that you don’t think about and conversations that don’t faze you, but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled.”
We have on occasion asked ourselves, “Do you think other couples are this weird when they’re alone?” I am so, so glad to hear that indeed, (at least some) other couples are!
February 25, 2011 9:27 am
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We’ve been known to ask “Do you think other couples are as awesome as we are?” but that’s just code for “Could anyone besides us possibly be this dorky?” We love our dorkiness though, so it’s awesome to us :)
February 25, 2011 9:54 am
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Our house is absolutely littered with nerf guns and darts. An attack can come at any moment. It’s awesome.
February 25, 2011 9:30 am
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Same for us… Only its a pair of spud-guns that live on the key hook…
February 25, 2011 10:39 am
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We registered for super soakers for our wedding, but nobody got them for us. :(
February 25, 2011 4:24 pm
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This post and many of the comments are ridiculous, hilarious pieces of awesome.
I want to exactly this statement a zillion times: “but if someone suddenly opened a window into your life and peeked in, they’d be flabbergasted and possibly appalled. You develop strange inside jokes that are unexplainable.”
It.is.so.true.
When either my fiance or I are in need of a laugh, we usually take turns impersonating our cat and coming up with ridiculous things for her to “verbalize” aloud. Our cat, as it happens, has a horrific potty mouth and is a terible human being.
February 25, 2011 9:42 am
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If you had to lable us I guess we would be “Scenester kids grown up” as in we were the mosh-pit kids. Hipsters if you will.
Last night we went to a concert… I had to work late so my man got to the show at 7 when the doors opened not to get us a good place up front but to get us actual SEATS…. GREAT seats. It was awesome. For a brief minute I thought about how lame we are now… But you what? My ears aren’t ringing today, I’m not injured, and we got to hold hands all night. It was fun! WE are fun… Just older.
February 25, 2011 10:41 am
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I just wrote a big long comment and somehow pressed the wrong thing and it went away. Arrgh! I have no idea. I’m just a spastic typist.
Anyways. My boy and I have been together a long time, and we’ve scertainly developed some weird habits that our friends find strange. Particularly our play-fighting, both physical (generally I try to beat him up and fail utterly and it devolves into tickle fights) and our love of coming up with the most ridiculous and disgusting and offensive names we can for each other. I love cussing, I blame my evangelical upbringing. People who haven’t been our friends as long get all concerned sometimes. We’re all, no, no, we’re not serious, we swear.
Also, I also always used to worry about being one of those couples in the restaurant not talking to each other. 11 years later, I’ve learned how NICE it is to feel so comfortable with a person, that I feel okay with just silently enjoying my boy’s company. I’m one of those people who has this need to fill silences, because I feel uncomfortable with silence. My boy is one of the few people I don’t feel that pressure with now. So yeah, I’m all about the comfortable joy of just quietly enjoying being in each other’s presence. Sometimes we’ve got a billion things to say, sometimes we don’t, and that’s perfectly fine and okay.
February 25, 2011 10:42 am
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THIS THIS THIS on the silence. Sometimes when my husband and I go out to eat, I realize we’re being pretty quiet. But the fact is, we’ve just been in the car together for how long? We’ve been hanging out all day. Maybe we’ve said all that needs to be said, and that’s ok. Because silence with the person you love feels pretty comfortable, too. It’s not seething, why-am-I-here silence. It’s peaceful, damn-this-bruschetta-is-good-and-I’m-stuffing-my-face silence. =)
February 25, 2011 11:02 am
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I am having so much fun reading this post and all the awesome comments and cracking up! Can I just tell you what an awesome feeling it is to meet another couple to hang out with that enjoys being around each other and get along and have fun together as much as ourselves?! Its such a breath of fresh air!! it SUCKS planning something with your friends and they bicker or just have this wierd vibe or tension between them the whole time. And then you come across a couple that gets along and have fun and love each other and its like YES!!!! You guys all rock. Lets hang out :))
February 25, 2011 10:49 am
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I’m only eight-ish months into marriage, but so far, everything that was fun before is still fun. I don’t think it’s marriage that changes relationships, but the added responsibilities that come with the progression of life can make fun look different.
We used to have fun going out and getting drunk with our friends at the local bar. Now, we have more fun playing on the Playstation: bocce ball on the Move or playing 19 holes of Tiger Woods Golf (with the added rule that each hole you lose is a piece of clothing you also lose… and you guess where the 19th hole is… ahem). We also like going out to eat new places or just driving around on beautiful days taking pictures of the mountains.
As we start taking on the added responsibility of looking for a home to buy, we’ve had to change our concepts a little bit because we’re trying to save money. So we don’t go out as often and we also have begun to really enjoy walking around Lowe’s or driving around town seeing what houses are for sale. So yeah, what your fun looks like will always change, but as long as YOU’RE HAVING FUN, that’s what matters – not if the couple across the street thinks it looks like fun or if your single friends think it sounds totally boring (hello falling asleep on the couch at 9:30 at night after watching a couple Dick Van Dyke Show episodes on Netflix…).
Marriage isn’t always fun, but there’s nothing about marriage that precludes fun. :) The bottom line is, my husband makes me laugh from the belly. Big loud guffaws that I’d be embarrassed to let free in public. I bet your partner does the same for you, or you wouldn’t be hitching yourself to him/her for the rest of your life.
February 25, 2011 10:59 am
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The best thing about my hubs swearing that marriage wouldn’t change anything is that I never feared losing the fun. Ok, maybe I did, but not much. Presumably the reason you want to have very serious times (like a wedding) with your SO is because you have so much fun together. And you want it to last forever. And as long as you keep being you, you will. Not that the tips here aren’t awesome. We’ve been together 7 years now (married for 1.3), and the fun definitely has continued, because we’re free with one another.
And Oh my god, Alyssa, that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year.
“I have been cleansed and shorn for you, my lord. Feel free to do to my person what you will, just remember, I am but a maid.”
I can’t even hold in the laughter.
While I like the idea of this advice: “Regardless, sit down and make yourself a list of what’s fun for you both.” not everyone loves making lists. But the point is, remind yourself (or yourselves) what you have the most fun doing, and DO IT. Often. And discover new things you enjoy, and do them. Often. Like making up songs about the cat while we’re in the shower together and using each other’s bodies as drums.
What? Who said that?
February 25, 2011 11:00 am
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This whole post is making me grin like a madwoman. It’s so true, too. We tend to insert monkeys into any song we hear, and start rhyming like Andre the Giant in the Princess Bride. Also, saying really horrible/cheesy phrases to each other and trying to keep completely deadpan.
I think it’s gonna have to go into our vows that we promise to keep being silly.
February 25, 2011 11:12 am
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… and also to live someplace hilly?
February 25, 2011 11:35 am
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…as long as it’s not too chilly?
February 25, 2011 10:24 pm
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I’ve just started seeing a new guy (I’m one of those “not-marrieds” who loves apw anyways, because it’s one of the best things on the internet), and I just went to visit him and see his hometown for the first time. It was technically the second time we’ve ever met in person, but he’s so comfortable in his own skin that he was totally unafraid to bust out: science geekery, random accents, and air-tea-parties. I kept thinking to myself “here’s a guy I really, really like”. I hope whoever I end up with ‘for life’ can have that same sense of comfortability and silliness.
February 25, 2011 12:48 pm
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OMG BOOB CAKE. I had to take a detour in the middle of reading this and go and read about boob cake. UH-mazing.
We go on adventures. Just this past weekend we decided to ride our tandem bike 85 miles north from SF and stay at an inn and eat crazy dinner because we just rode our bike 85 miles into a damn headwind (and we rode really hard those last 10 miles because it was getting dark and starting to rain). And then we were so damn tired we couldn’t make it back and had to stop at a town halfway down and hitch a ride in a pick-up truck because tandem bikes don’t fit on those racks they have on the bus, and he sat in the back with the bike and the mimosa that our generous ride-givers had just picked along the coast, and I sat in front and chatted with the two women who were new to, and visiting, the area themselves, respectively. So that was our latest fun.
Over Christmas, we were in the Boston area, which got a crazy snow storm while we were there (and about 23 times since, but I digress) and A. and I went sledding in the middle of the night. Walking back from the sledding hill, I yelled “YETI!” and shoved him into the snow. Ever since, we do this a lot, generally tackling each other onto the bed and then collapsing in fits of laughter.
Maybe every married/long-term couple is secretly 9 years old.
February 25, 2011 11:15 am
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“But now? Now I realize that when you’re married (or even in a long-term relationship) and you spend LOADS of time with each other…you do weird crap.”
So true! We’re often really silly together. Things we’ve done? I’ll run into the room in my hooded monster towel, jump on top of him growling, then run off again. (Thus displacing things like the X-Box controller, cat and sketch books.) Or we’ll monster stomp (quietly) down the hall. Strange and silly things happen a lot. We totally embrace them.
February 25, 2011 11:18 am
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I want a monster towel!
weird crap?
we have a rubber-ish scream mask that makes appearances on a daily basis.
usually when I get in bed after my husband. best thing ever.
March 1, 2011 3:46 pm
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comments about dancing around the kitchen reminded me of this—last week we had to do a whole bunch of laundry at the laundromat. a couple hours in, one of the dryers was making some rhythmic clunking noises that happened to be in roughly 3/4 time. so, of course, we started waltzing. :)
February 25, 2011 11:23 am
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