It's Ask Team Practical Friday, and also Good Friday, if you're into that. So a meaningful Good Friday to some of you, happy Passover to others of you, and for the rest of y'all, let's talk about engagement rings with hilarious Alyssa! She wrote up a little something for your partner, to help him with his ring quest. If you want to buy her a gift to thank her, she really wants a pony (but shhhhh.... don't tell her I told you). Now, let's get cracking!
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost four years, and we have talked about getting engaged this year. I've told my boyfriend that I really just want a simple, inexpensive ring, but he feels like people will judge him if he doesn't spend a certain amount. Especially in the age of Facebook photos of rings that are met with "OMG AMAZEBALLS" comments. Most of our friends and co-workers who have recently gotten married have big, expensive rings, but I keep trying to tell him that LOTS of people do it differently.
It's not about the money. We both have good paying jobs. I would rather spend our money on our upcoming trip to Europe and on the wedding itself. I almost never wear jewelry, and I don't want an extravagant ring. I'm kind of a type A, bossy person, and my friends have told me to back off and let my boyfriend plan the proposal and ring. To trust him to do it on his own.
We have the same values, and he usually doesn't care about societal pressure. I feel like the wedding industrial complex is already influencing him.
~Penelope
Oh, Penelope. Your friends are right, to a point. Let your boyfriend plan the proposal, but if you feel strongly about your engagement ring, then you should give some input. Which you're giving, but he might not be hearing. Here, let me talk to him...
*******
Dear Penelope's Honey,
Hey you! I hear you might be ring shopping soon, and that is awesome and amazing and congratulations in advance!
However, I also hear that maybe you might think that you need to buy a giant and/or expensive engagement ring. And that's totally not your fault. With commercials coming at you and telling you how much to spend and how IMPORTANT the ring is, friends flashing their giant rocks on the internet and all but showing the price tag, and then the general pressure of just being someone who is about to propose...it can be overwhelming.
And I am here, on behalf of Penelope, to tell you to stop, drop and roll your butt away from all that mess. It can lead to no good.
But I'm not going to tell you not to buy a giant ring because of the looming pressure of WIC. Nope, giant rings are pretty and lots of people like them. Nothing wrong with that. My idea of what constitutes a "giant ring" might be completely different than Penelope's, so that designation is between the two of you.
I am also not going to tell you to not buy an extravagant ring because it's expensive. The amount you spend has to do with your finances and those are none of my business.
I'm not even going to tell you to not buy a giant ring because of peer pressure. Some people enjoy the status symbol of a large diamond ring and if that's your thing, that's your thing. I really wish you wouldn't care what those people think, but again, none of my business.
What I am going to tell you is to not buy a giant ring for the pure and simple fact that your girlfriend does not want one, and she would be uncomfortable wearing it if she did get one.
If Penelope came after you with a god-awful shirt done in sequins and tassels and blinking lights that said, "PENELOPE'S" would you wear it every day (erm, assuming that's not your style)? Of course not. But if it was the symbol of your upcoming marriage and she got down on one knee to give it to you, you might. But you'd secretly hate it, even though you loved her. And that's how Penelope would feel about a ring with a large diamond. (Also? Know what they call large diamond rings in not-so-savory areas? Mug-me-rings. Consider it a safety issue.)
So how DO you go about getting a ring that Penelope will love?
Well, you could ask her.
Sure, complete surprise is romantic, but getting her input on what she likes takes the pressure off of you. A lot of people choose the ring together and keep the proposal the surprise. (My husband and I did.) Penelope doesn't need to see the end product if surprise is important to you, but some input on material and style upfront will help you go a long way in the ring buying process. Plus, you're going to have to find out her ring size and you don't happen to have a jeweler's tool to do that lying around the house now, do you? Hit up a jewelry store, find her size, look around together and discuss what you like and do not like. (Look for yourself too, mister. You'll be wearing a ring, eventually.)
Still wanna make those AMAZEBALLS Facebook friends go nuts? Tell them how you shrugged off conformity and had a custom designed ring. Go on Etsy or find a jeweler that does work that is similar to something she might like (enlist a friend of hers to help if the thought of this gives you hives) and commission something. You can also just look on the internet for artists in your area who can make an engagement ring for you if a face-to-face meeting or brick and mortar store would make you feel more comfortable. If you've got a university or art school nearby, speak to a professor or head of the art department and see if they have any advanced students that you might be able to commission. This can be tricky; you won't be assured of the quality and durability unless it's from an established artist, and even then it's not always guaranteed. Also, this can be a long process. But it will be significantly unique. Like your little Penny-Bunny.
How about a vintage ring? Meg has one. It's best to do this together, but check out estate sales and antique shops for rings that you might adore. They'll more than likely need to be sized, but that's usually fairly easy and you'll have a ring with beauty and history.
You can also try to find a ring that is not only thoughtful but politically and environmentally friendly. (Oh look, I just happen to have one right here.) You can bask in your good karma, which totally beats giant diamonds any day.
OR...you can just go to a jewelry store and buy something in her style that she'll love. What makes the ring truly special is the fact that it is her engagement ring. It's a symbol of your intent to commit to one another and that's what makes it amazing, not its size. Hell, it doesn't have to be a standard ring. I know people who've gotten engaged with rings from bubblegum machines or had an engagement puppy. My sister-in-law bought her ring off of Ebay. Find something pretty that you can afford. And consider new friends if they make you feel bad about your choice, because that's just crappy. Seriously.
Still not convinced? Still have a deep-seated notion that Penelope really DOES want a ring that costs three months salary and she's just trying to make you feel better? Dude. SHE WROTE TO STRANGERS TO FIND WAYS TO CONVINCE YOU THAT SHE DOESN'T. She just wants something pretty that she has some say in and that you are both financially comfortable with. And you. She wants you most of all. The ring is just icing on the big beautiful cake that is your relationship.
Take care and get off Facebook,
Alyssa and Team Practical.
*******
Alright ladies. We know y'all love talking about your rings. Help Penelope and her partner out; how did you make the choice you did for your ring and avoid the Ring Olympics?
This could not come at a more perfect time.
I’ve never been into big, flashy diamond rings. I have nothing against them, but they’re not my style. I’ve told my boyfriend that I’d prefer a simple sapphire ring, and that I don’t want him to spend more than $500, because I think it’s a waste of money (again, for us – I’m not judging what other people spend!)
I was really surprised by his reaction. I thought he’d be relieved that the pressure to spend something crazy like three-months salary or whatever on a sparkly diamond was off, but instead he said “I have to spend more than that!” WIC was indeed already on him, telling him that if he didn’t break the bank, he didn’t love me, and that everyone would judge him accordingly if they saw my non-flashy ring.
We’ve talked it over since then and he’s become more comfortable with the concept, but I was surprised at how hesitant he was! I’ve also discovered in further discussion that the thought of having to buy the ring, keep it secret, keep it hidden, and then somehow sneak it out to wherever he wants to propose was really, really stressing him out (he’s TERRIBLE with surprises, he can’t pull them off to save his life) – so he asked me if I’d mind if he proposed without a ring, and then we picked one out together after. I don’t mind at all, and that’s actually how his parents got engaged – his dad in a moment of loving bliss asked his mom if she’d marry him – she said yes, they went ring shopping together the next day, and the rest is history! They’re still happily married 27 years later, so obviously the lack of a ring at the proposal didn’t lead to any bad juju.
April 22, 2011 4:48 am
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Yay for understated sapphire rings! I love mine. :)
Mine I know was quite a bit more than $500 … but that’s because it was custom made, ethically sourced, imported from Ireland, etc. You can definitely find what you want in that price range, though.
April 22, 2011 5:37 am
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My best friend just got engaged and her ring is a gorgeous, understated sapphire ring. She and her honey looked for the ring together before the proposal and had a lot of fun doing it. They learned pretty quickly that they were going to have to look online for sapphire rings because the (big) jewelers they visited looked at them cross-eyed when they said they weren’t interested in diamonds. And they actually ended up finding the perfect ring for ~$700 on–of all places–Amazon!
April 22, 2011 6:02 am
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Yeah! I went and looked on my own once. I wanted to get sized and just look around. I asked to look at emeralds and she took me to the emerald cut diamonds. When I said “No, emeraldzzzz!” She looked at me weird but showed them. I commented below about our engagement but wanted to add here. :)
April 22, 2011 8:26 am
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um, can i just say it’s awesome that you went to look at rings on your own?
April 22, 2011 8:54 am
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um, why not? we ladies like to be informed shoppers.
April 24, 2011 3:11 pm
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I’ve also requested a sapphire. Mostly because I think diamonds are kind of plain. And I like blue, sparkly sparkly blue.
I have yet to see the results of this request, but I sent the BF many snapshots and links of styles that I like. He felt bad about asking me for specifics, but I said, “There’s nothing romantic about you guessing and me getting something I hate.”
There’s def. a lot of pressure on the men-folk for a 3-karat-diamond-in-pave-setting-given-while-skydiving-over-a-rainbow-at-sunset-landing-in-an-eternity-pool-filled-with-peach-rose-petals kind of crap. I feel bad for them…
April 22, 2011 6:51 am
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I did the same sort of thing. I showed him pictures of things I liked and things I hated, dragged him to every jewlery store we walked past, and talked about what I wanted. (exactly what I wanted, I never saw a good example of, but he said he knew what I wanted maybe even better than me). And then he came home from a visit with his parents with a ring that me go “Omg amazeballs (if I said such things). It’s not what I thought I wanted but it’s exactly what I wanted. The diamond is by no means huge, though by no means huge, but since I mostly didn’t want him(us, since we’ve already combined finances) to spend a fortune on a ring. Since this one is free, and not so big I feel like a spectacle, but big enough that his “manly pride that he could provide a big diamond for me” is satisfied.
I love it, I love that it has a family history, I love how it looks, I love that it was free, and I am still obsessed with how SPARKLY it is.
I think he plans a proposal, though i’d be good with just announcing our engagement though we can’t soon :( but I wear it at home everyday.
So yeah, see if either of your parents or grandparents has a ring you can use.
April 22, 2011 9:49 am
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“There’s def. a lot of pressure on the men-folk for a 3-karat-diamond-in-pave-setting-given-while-skydiving-over-a-rainbow-at-sunset-landing-in-an-eternity-pool-filled-with-peach-rose-petals kind of crap.”
This made me bust up laughing. But it’s so true. There are actually proposal-planning/execution businesses now! How’s that for WIC??
April 22, 2011 11:45 am
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I also have a sapphire in my engagement ring. It’s actually a padparadscha sapphire and I love it’s unique orangey-red color. It’s meaningful to me because its my birthstone and because its a constant reminder of how my husband actually listened to me when I voiced my own ethical and practical reasons for not wanting to wear a diamond on my finger. Here’s the other thing: it’s lab-created. Not a popular choice, I know, but it was right for me. That was my preference and I love it because it’s perfect, practical (read: way less expensive), and for sure ethically sourced. Besides, my husband is an engineer and we were both intrigued by the manufacturing process. It was a choice that worked best for us.
April 22, 2011 1:24 pm
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I commented about this lower down… my ring is a solitaire, colored lab diamond. I’m a chemist who works on mimicking nature in the lab, so it makes perfect sense for (and to) me! Sometimes people try to tell me that it’s somehow “fake” or “less sentimental” than a “real” one, but it’s chemically and spectroscopically identical to one dug out of the earth. I find it to be an interesting test of people and their reactions. Plus, if I don’t tell them it’s lab-made, they’ll never know.
April 22, 2011 2:27 pm
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I have a clear lab-created ‘diamond’ for ethical reasons, and have to tell people, because you cannot tell by looking. When we were looking for wedding bands, not one of the jewellers had any idea it wasn’t a diamond, and their reactions to a couple with what they thought was a fair-sized diamond were so weird. It is super sparkly and pretty :)
April 25, 2011 8:27 am
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Ah, but (chemist speaking), it IS a diamond. (Unless by ‘diamond’ you’re referring to moissanite or one of the other sparkly alternatives.) Diamond is defined by its composition, crystal structure, and other physical properties. Not how it’s made.
April 25, 2011 9:03 am
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I have a moissonite solitare that is soooo puurrrtttyyy. And no one questions that it’s a diamond, the average person looks at it, sees shiny white and thinks diamond. But I love to use that as an opportunity to talk to people about ethical, cost effective alternatives to diamonds. I chose my ring. I went online and picked the exact one I wanted and emailed it to my boyfriend. He did the rest from there!
June 14, 2011 4:30 pm
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My boyfriend bought me a lab-created blue diamond, and I couldn’t be happier with it… There’s no way anyone can tell the difference between it and a “real” diamond, and even if they could, I wouldn’t feel down about it. Like you, I wanted to have an ethically-sourced rock, and this worked out perfectly.
Besides, I wanted something coloured and he insisted on diamond. This was a wonderful compromise.
April 23, 2011 5:57 pm
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Does “in a moment of loving bliss” mean what I think it means???
(Sorry, my mind automatically went there.)
April 22, 2011 2:26 pm
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Hahaha, whoops, no that’s not what I meant! But now that I think about it that way I see how it sounds like that! I just meant he was overcome with love and emotion and proposed on a whim :)
April 22, 2011 5:27 pm
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My ‘dream’ ring is a simple, yellow gold 1/4 carat round cut diamond solitaire. That’s it. You can find it from $300-$450 pretty much anywhere. I picked it out long ago, with the idea that I’d get a fancy, two tone wedding band that outshone the engagement ring. Because the engagement ring represents the engagement, while the wedding ring represents the marriage. It therefore never made sense to me why the engagement ring is always grander.
Still, now that Ryan and I are close to the ring shopping time (we’re one of those ‘pre-engaged’ couples) I’m telling myself to let go of my dream ring. Not because I wouldn’t be happy if he got it for me, but because I realized that with me picking out a ring that I love, it had nothing to do with him… Plus, I also have been more concerned about the whole blood diamond thing, so I realized I’d be okay with moissanite or something like that.
But then when I thought about that, I realized he might get me a ring I hated. :)
So I set down and I told him just what I liked and just what I didn’t. I told him on facebook chat and he saved it. :) So when the time comes, he’ll have guidance. It’ll be soon… but I’m not sure how soon. So I’m hoping it’s great… and even if it’s not I’ll pretend it is because he’s great and he’s the one I want for the rest of my life, ring be darned. :)
April 22, 2011 11:39 pm
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First of all, anyone who thinks your ring isn’t impressive enough or expensive enough isn’t someone you want to invite to your wedding anyway. Engagement rings aren’t even necessary (I’ve heard from couples who never had anything and couples who did different engagement symbols, like a new surfboard.) They only really matter to the people in the relationship. I feel so bad that Penelope’s boyfriend feels such pressure from their friends and society in general!
My ring isn’t gigantic or covered in diamonds. But it’s absolutely perfect for me and exactly what I would have chosen for myself. I don’t even care what anyone else’s ring looks like because it’s not mine and wasn’t specifically picked out with me in mind. My fiance went to my cousin (a jewelry designer) and they put together a ring that would suit my personality and my hand into account. I couldn’t imagine wearing anything else, even if it were a diamond as big as the Ritz. (Fitzgerald fans out there?)
April 22, 2011 4:52 am
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I had this same issue. There is a lot of pressure on the men for the ring and the proposal in general. But we started our planning process first and then got engaged six months later. I, like Penelope, don’t wear a lot of jewelry and feel silly wearing a big giant ring. They’re beautiful, but they’re not me. I sent some pictures to my fiance, things from Etsy I found and loved, some standard and some really not so standard. I fell in love with one that was COMPLETELY against the grain – silver band, diamond slice, completely flawed and included (translating to lots of cracks and dirt); it was the farthest thing from a diamond. I LOVED it. I sent it to fiance, he filed it with the others I had sent him, and I kept thinking about it. Months went by, nothing happened, and I had to ask what the deal was. He explained he only had $300 and just couldn’t afford one yet. Keep in mind at this point, we had already reserved our date, space, photographer, caterer, and videographer (haha!). I told him, yet again, and I think this time he heard me – the ring I loved more than any other was $260. I actually loved it, not it was cheap enough for him to afford. But most importantly, I explained that I wanted HIM, just like Alyssa said. I wanted to get married to him. This was just the symbol, and we were already basically engaged already. He explained proposing with a ring was important to him, and I said that was completely fine. But I told him that the ring I loved was affordable and I was serious about it. He believed me, and a few days before Christmas, almost 7 months after we started planning the wedding, we got engaged at our pond. It was perfect. I still get the “that’s interesting” comments all the time on my ring. It being non-typical makes people uncomfortable and they don’t know what to think. His grandmother even asked when I was getting my real engagement ring. Every time, I smile as large as I can and say “I love this ring. It’s perfect” and they shut up, realizing they’ve put their foot in their mouthes.
April 22, 2011 4:56 am
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We did the same thing! We just “got engaged” last week, which means I now have a pretty ring on my finger and we announced it publicly, but we’ve been planning for a couple months now. Our closest friends weren’t surprised at all – “Of course you’d have a venue reserved before you even get engaged” they’d tell me, but I’ve gotten some strange reactions from acquaintances. One was super excited about looking through wedding magazines with me until I told her I bought my dress months ago. Then her face dropped, she said “oh, then nevermind” and hasn’t mentioned the wedding to me since. I have a more traditional diamond ring, but the reactions I get to already having a date/photographer/dress/etc. are probably similarly awkward. I kind of love the awkwardness :)
April 22, 2011 6:39 am
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I have had the exact same thing happen.
This is my engagement ring — http://www.melissajoymanning.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=MJM&Product_Code=R106G-18&Category_Code=engagement — though my boyfriend had it custom made in white gold instead of yellow gold. I love love love it; it is eco-friendly and non-blingy and very me. But, especially at first, when people would get all psyched to “see the ring,” I could see them get a little confused/disappointed/deflated when they, well, saw the ring.
But it is perfect for me!
April 22, 2011 6:43 am
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Just chiming in to say holy cow is that a gorgeous ring, and I now kind of want pretty much one of everything on that designer’s site. What a find!!
April 22, 2011 8:30 am
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I’m so glad I’m not alone in our backwards planning then getting engaged. It felt right for us, and we were happy, but people certainly have been strange through the whole process. Even my best friend was weird and wouldn’t mention it to me until he had proposed, saying she was afraid I was pushing him into planning and that he didn’t want to marry me (she lives nowhere near us and had met him three times in the 4 yrs we’d been dating). It was rough, but it made us stronger I think.
And I LOVE your ring!!! Mine is basically the same in silver but mine is flatter, a sliver if you will. It’s perfect, and I love it. It makes me smile every day when I see it. But yep, those bizarre reactions people give. I just don’t get it. Isn’t the YAY factor that we’re getting married, not my ring? And I refused to put it on facebook because I wanted the focus to be on us, not my ring. Instead, I posted a picture of us after he asked me.
April 22, 2011 9:10 am
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haha so funny – I used to work for MJM!
April 22, 2011 11:07 am
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The ring olympics post is the one that convinced my guy that he didn’t need to buy me a ring that was uberthousand dollars. I ‘accidentally’ left the page open on the laptop. It turned into him reading a few more of the engagement and proposal posts.
I searched for hours for my ring on the internets and found my gorgeous blue-green tourmaline ring(yes it was a bit of a specific color I was going for) on good ol’ e-bay. I told him I wanted that one and it’s on sale. He said then get it and since I had the established ebay account, I ordered it.
Now the waiting game is even more fun :rolls eyes: It’s in my house somewhere just dying to get on my finger(I hear it calling to me I swear) and I just get to wait since he wants to pop it all official and surprise like…yet tells me yesterday he had until weds when i leave earlier than him for my best friend’s wedding to get the dogs settled into my parents house. EEEEEEEEEEEEE I can shout from the roof tops in less than a week I has my pretty tourmaline ring on!…yes I’m excited is it obvious? Thanks for listening APW and sorry for the slight off shoot ramble it’s just exciiiitttinggg.
Penelope (love the name by the way) just try to get him to read a few of these APW posts on here somehow and it will hopefully sink in. Good luck cuz I know I’d be afraid of losing an expensive ring myself and personally couldn’t find it practical for us financially to have an uberthousand dollar ring and hpefully he’ll understand what ever your personal feelings are towards not spending that amount and will look in your comfort zone then.
April 22, 2011 5:00 am
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I had a similiar experience.
Found my engagement ring by using google images and typing in gold band. I loved it. It was not hugely expensive – but he did have to have it flown from England because we couldn’t find it in the states. Then I knew he had received it and I waited for almost 4 months before he actually asked me. It made me nutty in the best possible way! I knew the ring was in our little 1 bedroom…waiting for me. And I hadn’t seen it in person yet! Knowing what the ring looked like only added to the anticipation.
Now when people ask to see my engagement ring, they have a moment where they look at my face to see if I am upset because it is understated – and then I tell them that I loved it so much, we had it flown from England. And they shut up and smile for me. One friend (who loves some bling) even confessed that after realizing that she didn’t have to have a huge engagement ring, started looking online for understated and simple.
The best part is that I never scratch my face or snag my clothing with a big rock – because with the amount that I talk with my hands – this was as much a safety decision as an aesthetic one!
April 22, 2011 10:49 am
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Libra,
I adore Blue-Green Tourmalines!!!! We don’t see enough of them!
April 22, 2011 11:21 am
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Seriously, tourmalines are a severely underestimated gem stone. They come in a rainbow of colors and can be two toned, TWO TONED people! Doesn’t get much more awesome than that with still having a sturdy hardness to it (im looking at you opal, with your pretty rainbows on one stone, but soft as hell and usually bad for rings)
I want it nnnooowwwww.
April 22, 2011 1:33 pm
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Well, lock your door. I’m coming over to steal it. ;)
April 22, 2011 3:11 pm
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My fiance picked out a ring and surprised me with a proposal, his rationale being “I guess I’m just traditional in that regard.” Which I found adorable, because as an obsessive reader of Miss Manners I know there’s nothing traditional about the surprise proposal complete with ring. The WIC got to him! Lucky for us both, he did a great job of picking the ring. The only thing I had ever said about it was that I didn’t want a blood diamond, so he found a great antique ring. I still think the widespread cultural expectation that the guy will surprise the lady, when theoretically they’ve both been talking marriage (uh because they’re adults and it’s a life changing decision) and she may have even picked out the ring which he’s then supposed to go hide and produce with appropriate fanfare, is silly at best. But I have to be careful how much I rant about it, because that’s not how it happened for us.
April 22, 2011 5:03 am
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My fiance and I got engaged without an official proposal after dating for only a short period of time (it’s a long, kinda funny story). Afterwards, I told him that I didn’t want an engagement ring. Instead, we got custom-made matching wedding bands. While they weren’t inexpensive, they’re beautiful and made by a designer that we love (uses recycled gold, raw diamonds from reputable sources, and ecofriendly sources when possible, etc.). While I wouldn’t necessarily suggest our path for everyone (I know that engagement rings matter to others), it’s totally us. And I don’t think either of us have ever felt judged for doing things our own way–people have actually responded quite positively. Our only difficulty is that we both want to be wearing the rings right now! (We’re getting married in July.)
April 22, 2011 5:21 am
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Ha! “Take care and get off Facebook” = best sign-off ever.
April 22, 2011 5:24 am
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The Facebook thing was something I was adamant about. It’s no one’s business how big my ring is. If they’re interested, they will look at my hand when they see me.
Personally, I get a little disgusted when I see other people’s engagement rings, and nothing else. No proposal story, no unique ring story, just the rock.
I will give you my best wishes for your wedding, not a congratulations on getting an expensive pretty.
April 22, 2011 5:41 am
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Well said. I’m happy for friends getting engaged, but it’s not the time/place to flaunt your giant jewelry.
April 22, 2011 6:23 am
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Definitely. I love when people are excited they’re getting married and excited to share that love with everyone! I want to see their rings and I want to hear about their proposals and I want to know how happy they are! But a picture of a huge diamond solitaire, with no comment about anything else? Yawn. Give me a story I can read and smile about and remember! (Or don’t, obviously, if that’s not your thing! But don’t just put up a picture of a ring and let me guess it probably means you’re getting married.)
April 22, 2011 6:39 am
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My sister took some pictures of my ring when we announced our engagement to our family, and she put them on facebook and tagged them. I should’ve probably avoided the whole ring-picture thing in the first place, but I immediately untagged them. I sent pictures of it to my best friends because I do love it, but I don’t feel like my pen pal from elementary school or that girl I went to string quartet camp with really need to see it!
April 22, 2011 9:32 am
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Yes! I understand taking the ring pictures to send to far-flung family and friends, but I just couldn’t wrap my head around posting it on facebook for all the world to see. Then again, I’m also super quiet and private on facebook and it took a fair bit of prodding for me to put up any pictures of our engagement. A ginormous pic of just the ring with no other details/story/anything just seemed very WIC to me.
April 22, 2011 6:54 am
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I outright refused to put a picture of my ring on Facebook. What if some creeper saw it, and decided to try and rob me?
I sent a personal e-mail to close-family, and that was it.
April 22, 2011 7:27 am
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I posted a picture of my (gorgeous, incredible) ring on facebook because my fiance was so proud of it and overjoyed that I loved it, and he took like a bajillion pictures of me wearing it. In fact, I wanted just pictures of my face and he kept saying, “Hold up your hand!!” So I did. :) We also put up a bunch of pics of us grinning like goofballs (no ring in sight), as well. It was just a way of sharing our joy.
April 22, 2011 7:50 am
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At least you completed the story by also putting up pictures of you two grinning like goofballs. That sounds so cute.
April 22, 2011 11:26 am
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My brother’s fiance posted a pic of her ring without a story. It sounds very WIC unless you’ve seen the ring. My brother designed it. It looks like a vine wrapped around her finger with ginko leaves and a yogo sapphire. She doesn’t have any facebookmon (the people you friend to play games or just so you can say you have a lot of friends…”got to catch them all”), so the pic seemed like them, not like WIC.
April 22, 2011 7:58 am
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That sounds like the most gorgeous ring ever. Lots of personalization and thought, and who doesn’t love a Yogo sapphire??!
April 22, 2011 11:16 am
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I love that ring and haven’t even seen it! I am really into botanical jewelry.
April 22, 2011 11:27 am
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I think I might start signing my emails this way! :)
April 22, 2011 6:00 am
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What I am going to tell you is to not buy a giant ring for the pure and simple fact that your girlfriend does not want one, and she would be uncomfortable wearing it if she did get one.
THIS X 1000.
My husband wanted to do a surprise proposal, but he wanted to get me something he knew I would love. Now, truth, my husband has very good taste AND also knows what I like, and if he had chosen something on his own I know I would have liked it. However, he was obsessing. He and I got talking about rings one night, and he already knew I wanted white gold or platinum, a celtic design, and that I wanted a colored stone. However, he initially was thinking of getting me a three stone with an emerald at the center and 2 diamonds on either side.
Pretty, right? I would have liked that. However (me, having no idea he was looking), said I really wanted a sapphire (“But I thought your favorite color was green?!” “It is, but I think sapphires look prettier with silver.”) and that I didn’t want a 3 stone, but a solitaire.
So, now he was going to obsess, and anything he chose he was going to second guess. After a couple of consultations with our amazing jeweler, they devised a plan to get me in the store to choose my own ring.
We went around Christmas time under the guise of getting our moms celtic jewelry for Christmas. Tom, our jeweler, caught sight of us and swooped in for the kill. “I’m not busy right now. Please, let’s just play with rings.” So, I indulged Tom while he had me try on a bunch of different rings, and I chose a 1/4 carat sapphire solitaire with two celtic knots on either side. The setting could fit up to one carat, and while that ring was beautiful, I have small hands. The small stone was more understated and more me.
When C went to pick up the ring, Tom said to him, “I know SHE will love it, but do YOU love it?”
He responded (and this is one of the reasons I love him, because he *gets it*), “I don’t have to love it. It’s HER ring.”
I got a few, “Oh, that’s … different,” when I showed off my ring. I then followed up with the crazy trick-me-into-choosing-ring story, and the conceptions of it being not a traditional giant rock melt away into, “Oh my God, that was so romantic.” Yes, I suppose, my husband’s uber-neurotic tendencies look pretty romantic in this light. :)
April 22, 2011 5:26 am
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“’I know SHE will love it, but do YOU love it?’”
So weird!
April 22, 2011 6:53 am
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Even weirder…my bf and I were out doing some on the ground wedding band information gathering (aka walking into jewelers and quizzing them about the pros and cons of various metals). I’m pretty sure I want a plan ol’ palladium wedding band–no diamonds, no fuss.
The saleswoman was horrified that I would want palladium over platinum. I’m a chemist…so I know that these are two very very similar elements…not to mention my research had shown that palladium is lighter AND harder than platinum. Her argument against palladium? Platinum has a higher resale value.
RESALE VALUE? FOR MY WEDDING RING?!? WTF?
Needless to say when the day comes to buy for real, they will not be seeing our business….
April 22, 2011 8:57 am
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I have a friend (also a chemist) who was told by a jeweler “Palladium is a type of Platinum”. Um, no.
But Beth, seriously, what if you ever need to pawn your wedding ring to stock your lab?
April 22, 2011 9:18 am
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palladium is of the platinum family, so I can see why someone would say that, although not literally correct. I have palladium and love it!
April 25, 2011 8:39 am
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My favorite designer alloys their platinum with palladium, which I think helps with wear and tear and keeping the finish bright.
April 22, 2011 11:31 am
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my engagement ring is palladium and I love it. We picked it out together, and our jeweler was awesome enough to suggest we have it made in palladium instead of platinum because it saved us several hundred dollars and no one knows the difference. I love it.
April 22, 2011 1:26 pm
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My engagement ring and our wedding rings are made of palladium. They are light and bright and beautiful. Can’t wait to wear the set… our hands look so grown up with all the rings.
Also, we had an old, old-fashioned proposal- we had talked a lot about marriage, one day he asked me formally, the next day we went ring shopping together. Because he wanted me to have a ring I love, and it was simpler not to guess at it.
We ended up with a rectangular radiant shape. And palladium. My favorite.
April 22, 2011 7:50 pm
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Yea it has better resale….resale from them to you.
Stupid people…Stupid WIC….
April 22, 2011 1:38 pm
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My husband was asking about the possibility of using titanium for the ring he had designed for me and one jeweler responded that it couldn’t be used because ” with bridal jewelry you need that pride of ownership that only comes from using REAL metals” So, if it’s not gold or platinum, then it’s a fake metal? Nice.
April 22, 2011 1:44 pm
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I’m sure he sees a lot of that. Though, in fairness, the clientele for those kinds of rings is more APW/OBB/etc. style than WIC style.
I should add, though, that when my ex-bf and I were talking marriage, he was put off by the fact that I didn’t particularly want a diamond, but a colored stone, and I wanted something small and understated. His taste I DID NOT trust, and he had already said things like, “Well, it’s just as important for me to like it as you, since I’m making an investment.” (For realz? WTF? This is one of many reasons he’s an EX.) I said, “No, it’s more important for ME to like it because if I DON’T like it than your “investment” is going to sit in a jewelry box, unworn.” (My mom said that was mean of me to say. I didn’t care.)
Anyway, one day his sister, his mom, and I were wandering around SoHo (NYC, not London) and they went to the display window of a jewelry shop that had these ugly rings with ginourmous rocks and were oohing and aahing. I made a face and said, “Eh, I don’t care for those. They’re too big!”
Both stopped and stared at me as if I said, “Puppies should be eaten.”
“You NEVER EVER EVER say a diamond is too big. There is no such thing.”
For the first time (and I had known them both for some time, at this point), I took note of both of their engagement rings, which were both giant rocks. And I knew where my ex got it from.
April 22, 2011 9:44 am
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Love this! Just forwarded to the BF-soon to be fiance. He refuses to believe me when I tell him I don’t want a large diamond.
April 22, 2011 5:32 am
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I don’t wear much jewelry at all, and I knew my husband would have zero idea of what I wanted. Not to mention, rings look very different on your hand than they do in the case. So I took my girlfriend to look at rings with me when we were seriously talking engagement. You think a boyfriend doesn’t believe you about not wanting a large diamond? Try telling that to the jewelry shop people! I picked out a setting I liked, got a picture of the ring, and then noted that I didn’t want a stone any larger than “x-size”. The lady I was working with thought I was absolutely insane for not pressuring him to do as big as possible and tried to convince both he and I that I would regret it later. Um, no, I’d regret having a “mug me” diamond on my hand on the subway, and when traveling. Thanks for fostering the ring olympics though lady!
April 22, 2011 7:01 am
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Ha, me too! We’ve been looking at rings together and I tend toward rings that have ornate designs with teeeeeeeny tiny diamonds. When I show them to him he’s like, “But they’re so small.”
April 22, 2011 10:20 am
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I played up and over exaggerated my clumsiness when we started talking about a large ring.
“Honey, you know how much of a clutz I am. Do you really want to put some big diamond on my finger and have it all hiked up on prongs only for me to bang against everything that I come across? I could loose the diamond. Prongs come loose all the time and you know I’ll never notice. Not to mention that’s just one more thing for me to stab you with. And think about our babies. I could never wear a big ring with a baby.”
That and along with some other not so subtle hints is how I got my nice understated bezel set ring. I did have a hard time convincing jewelers that this was what I wanted when I went in to see if I could find a bezel-set ring to see how it would look on. What do you mean you don’t want to flaunt your diamond/a bigger diamond/more diamonds? Thank god he went to a small town jeweler that he trusted and had a relationship with.
That’s the one bit of advice I would give to men. Don’t think about the ring first. Think about the jeweler. If you don’t have one that you know personally, go to a family member or friends. If you have relationship with that jeweler, they will listen to you. And it will really help add to the memory of the event. See irisira ‘s post.
May 2, 2011 3:19 pm
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To each his and her own (as Alyssa said, some people want a big ring which is 100% A-Okay), but if you don’t want a big ‘un:
Penelope, I recommend the use of a catchy phrase to tell your love about why you don’t want him to spend a Scrooge McDuck pool’s worth of money on a ring. You are welcome to use the same one that my buddy Sara and I came up with.
Hubs and I really wanted to go to Japan for part of our honeymoon (we are not going now due to scary radiation) and tickets to Japan don’t come cheap. I was talking my ring preferences over with Sara prior to the whole proposal and she concurred with wanting to spend money on travel and not on a honkin’ piece of jewlery that would dwarf my tiny hands and make me feel silly.
“Yeah!” she said, “I mean, what do you want more? Thing on your hand or trip to Japan?!”
Very catchy and it had us in stitches. Now Hubs and I use “thing on your hand/trip to Japan” when weighing all sorts of purchases. In the end I got a lovely vintage ring with an itty diamond that I absolutely adore. It is engraved “1930″ and I have made up an entire story about the woman who it was given to originally. Her name was Ernestine … but that’s a whole other barrel of pickles.
April 22, 2011 5:32 am
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Ummm…making up stories about “Ernestine”? ADORABLE. :-)
April 22, 2011 8:59 am
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I bet that Ernestine was a pistol. ;)
April 22, 2011 11:35 am
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Darn right she was!
April 22, 2011 11:42 am
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I feel I want to friend Ernestine on facebook or something…waaaayyy coool
April 22, 2011 1:40 pm
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We were also hoping (ie planning w/o any actual planning) on going to Japan as well and had to throw that one out the window. The skiing is in northern Japan; I doubt they’re quite ready for us yet. :-(
July 20, 2011 11:30 am
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I have a question about changing settings. I have an absolutely perfect, gorgeous, fairly- and safely-mined sapphire. My fiance and I talked for awhile about what kind of setting to get for it, but ultimately it was my decision. He had some reservations about the design that I ultimately chose based on a photo. I loved the concept and thought that it would look better in person than in the photo… but it kind of doesn’t. I chose it, I do love it, and it’s been on my finger since September. But. I would change the setting in a heartbeat, if we had a little extra $.
I got my ring through Etsy and should have just told the creator and requested a change at the time… but I felt so guilty, because she’d given me exactly what I asked for, and I was the one who wasn’t over-the-moon with it. It was also non-returnable, because it’s custom. And it does have some imperfections in the craftsmanship of the setting that I was a bit surprised by and disappointed with.
How would I even go about this? Take it to another jeweler?
April 22, 2011 5:38 am
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I would wait until you have the money, then feel free to change the setting. And feel free to go with a jeweller who will give you what you want, in a high quality way. This thing is supposed to last forever.
How your ring looks isn’t as important as the love behind it.
April 22, 2011 5:46 am
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Yes, exactly. Take it to another jeweler.
The price of gold is REALLY high right now, so keep this in mind when you reset the ring. A reputable jeweler will probably “buy” the old setting from you to melt down and then offset your cost, but it probably won’t offset it much.
Get recommendations from friends on a locally-owned jeweler. Don’t go to a mall/chain jewelry store for something like this. A good jeweler will listen to your story and not judge, and try to come up with something that you love. I think you should go somewhere that you can see it in person, at this point, simply because the Etsy picture thing didn’t work for you the first time around (though I would bet that the Etsy seller would love a chance to “make it right,” and it sounds like the craftsmanship isn’t your issue, it’s just “not quite right” for you).
Good luck. :)
April 22, 2011 5:49 am
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Thanks so much, those are great points and it’s good to know about the price of gold, etc. I’ll start looking around for local jewelers, maybe what I need is a good face-to-face relationship :)
April 22, 2011 1:16 pm
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Gold hit $1,500 an ounce yesterday I believe.
April 22, 2011 3:14 pm
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Oy. Further reminder to me to get a rider on our renter’s insurance for our rings. C almost lost his while hiking by a waterfall and taking a picture (he slipped on a rock and slid down, his ring fell off; fortunately, we were able to recover it). We take our rings off when we hike, now, but even still – can’t be too careful.
April 23, 2011 5:10 am
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Would you ever email the Etsy creator about this? Just copy/paste the last few lines of your post here. I feel like she would rather fix her own creation to fit your wants, rather than have you take her creation to another jeweler. Plus she should be aware that there are imperfections in her craftsmanship.
April 22, 2011 6:49 am
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I wonder if it would be too late now – I’ve had the ring since September. At first I was so excited to have it that I didn’t want to consider parting with it, imperfections or not… at this point I’d rather have it fixed, but feel like I might be outside a standard window for complaints?
April 22, 2011 1:12 pm
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Can’t hurt to email and ask. I think as long as you’re polite about it, and make it clear you know that it’s been a while and that you did get what you asked for, there’s no harm in asking whether the designer would be willing to change it for you. They may charge a little extra, but so would any jeweler you took it to. I mean, worst that could happen is the designer says no and you take it somewhere else anyway. :)
April 22, 2011 5:07 pm
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Also, a local jeweler should be able to do a wax cast before they actually cast the band/setting, so you’re able to know that you love it and tweak things before they’re finalized.
April 22, 2011 6:57 am
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If they melted the gold down, it seems like you’d only have to pay for design and labor. Right?
April 22, 2011 11:37 am
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I’ll be so happy if that ends up being the case!!
April 22, 2011 1:19 pm
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Well, they can’t exactly sell your own gold back to you. ;)
April 22, 2011 3:15 pm
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An ENGAGEMENT PUPPY?! love!
I have to commend my boy for finding the perfect balance between his needs and mine with my engagement ring. I’m a quiet, non-showy, small-fingered, glove-wearing scientist. The only jewelry I wore regularly was a Timex watch (the kind with a velcro wristband). The boy is more the outgoing, obsessive, ostentatious type who prefers grand gestures. He also rants about the marketing and economic manipulation of the De Beers diamond cartel and the environmental impact of mined diamonds. In the end, he got a lab-made colored diamond and had a setting made by his family jeweler. No mining, no cartel. It’s fitting with the chemistry I do (chemistry mimicking nature! boron!) and small and low enough to fit under my gloves in lab. Plus it came with spectra, which I found really exciting. It’s simple enough to make me happy and showy enough for him. The color puts it outside the Ring Olympics — people don’t usually know what to do with it.
I love my ring. But price tag doesn’t matter — it really is the thought and love and care that went into it that matters to me.
April 22, 2011 5:47 am
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One my ring criteria was that it would fit under lab gloves and that the diamond was in a secure setting that it wouldn’t come loose from taking on and off gloves. I didn’t want to have to constantly take off my ring (like some girls I know have to) nor did I want the diamond to fall out and have to search through gloves in trash cans (like someone I know had to)…. Just call me practical.
April 22, 2011 8:28 am
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I’m going to be a midwife eventually, but I decide that I didn’t really want a flat engagement ring, so my plan is that for work, I’ll wear the engagement ring on a necklaandorraeave it at home, and the wedding ring for work, and I want a flat, plain band without anything things like blood could get stuck in or that could scratch someone, or cut a glove. And possibly something that iccan sterilize now and then.
April 22, 2011 10:05 am
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Caroline, My fiance just picked out his wedding band. It’s surgical grade stainless steel which would probably work for you. The finish makes it look like titanium, sort of dark gray. The company is called xen, they’re from germany but are carried by various stores in the states.
April 22, 2011 10:29 am
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I would have been game for an engagement dog(puppies are far to much work for me)….:looks at the 2 dogs laying in the living room: but it seems we already have a few of those lying around.
I think someone I went to high school with got the puppy with the ring on the collar.
April 22, 2011 1:44 pm
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Ah yes! The De Beers cartel and the inflated value of diamonds. A big reason why I’m happy to be wearing a lab-created sapphire.
April 22, 2011 1:54 pm
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I told my husband about the Engagement Puppy line, and he said, “That’s the WORST IDEA EVER.” Then, he paused. “Yeah, I know, you would love it if I came home with a puppy.”
Full disclosure – we already have a dog. And a cat. But I wouldn’t mind another dog. :)
April 23, 2011 5:13 am
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Haha, I’m the one with the engagement puppy, and many people had very negative reactions to it. Like “what happens when he dies?” WTF! or “so when do you get your real ring?”
I had been hankering after another dog for a while and convinced the boy that wsa totally how I wanted to go, and having a cold wet nose placed against your face when you have your eyes closed is a wonderful way to realize you’re getting engaged. Although briefly I wondered if the boy was pranking me with ice cubes or something (we prank, and pups has a very cold nose)
He wrote “will you marry me”on the tag, but I was too damn excited to read it and just kept repeating “it’s a puppy!”
And now when I spend sunny Saturday afternoons curled up on the couch with my silly dog, reading my day away, I couldn’t be happier with the choice we made :)
April 25, 2011 11:18 am
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There is a radio commercial for a jewelry store in my area that claims that choosing a diamond for your engagement ring is
“THE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION YOU WILL EVER MAKE.”
It makes me rant to myself in the car every single time I hear it. Really? The diamond is the important decision? Not, maybe, the guy who is putting it on your finger? Grrr.
April 22, 2011 5:47 am
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There’s a jeweler locally that had a billboard up for a while with a giant rock and a thought bubble that said, “Your girlfriend wants me.”
I said to my (now) husband, “I do NOT want that. Don’t go to that jeweler.”
We still laugh about that billboard.
April 22, 2011 5:52 am
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We did the same thing at a commercial with that slogan!
April 22, 2011 7:22 am
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yeah, or like “having children” “moving” “end of life care” or any of the myriad of things that are more important than a diamond?
This reminds me of a commercial we heard for Kay Jewelers, whose line is “Every kiss begins with Kay” and my sister said “NO it doesn’t!” And then I said, “well, technically every kiss does begin with K.” Still, dumb line.
April 22, 2011 8:41 am
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oh lord. no quicker road to rampage-land than those awful commercials. every time that comes on, i’ll start ranting “every kiss begins with monetary exchange!” “every kiss is part of a barter economy!” i really despise that phrase and everything it communicates about how relationships function.
April 22, 2011 10:13 am
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Actually you are forgetting about pecks which begin with P and are my favorite especially on my forehead so you can still tell Kay to shove it.
April 22, 2011 1:46 pm
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“Every kiss” begins with ‘e’.
April 25, 2011 10:12 am
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So, uh. I never, ever, ever in my 25 years of existence and God-knows how many years of paying attention to Kay’s commercials caught on to the pun. “Kiss” begins with “K”. I just had this thunderstruck moment of understanding reading your comment, followed by a period of deepest shame.
April 26, 2011 2:24 pm
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This was me! I was very clear that I did not want a big honkin’ diamond. I would have felt uncomfortable wearing it, and I would likely knock a big diamond out of its setting within the first week. My fiance went to a local goldsmith (they exist!) and had a ring custom made with several small channel set diamonds. The folks at Cronin’s (www.croninjewelers.com) were incredibly friendly and weren’t phased when I brought my week old ring in for cleaning having worn it playing sand volleyball, rock climbing and gardening.And I get to tell people that my ring is custom designed. How cool is that?
April 22, 2011 5:49 am
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Hey, I love that you climb, but wearing rings while climbing can have serious risk of degloving or at the very least cutting off your circulation if your finger starts swelling. The pictures are pretty gruesome. (Another option could be putting it on a screw lock carabiner while you climb)
April 22, 2011 6:48 am
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I have since gotten a chain that I wear it on :)
April 22, 2011 1:05 pm
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haha, OK phew! I am a med student and prone to visions of gore and dismemberment. Glad to know your fingers are safe!
April 22, 2011 2:42 pm
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I can’t exactly this enough! Never never never rock climb with a ring on your finger. I know a guy who is missing his left ring finger, because he didn’t want to take off his wedding ring. His wife was honored but not very happy when she got to the hospital. I have a necklace that I put my ring on when I climb, and when I forget the necklace, it goes on a carabiner on my key or on my chalkbag.
April 22, 2011 9:35 pm
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Knowing that my now-fiance (yay!) would feel a little pressure to find the perfect ring that was flashy and diamondy and everything, I made sure to let him know what I would want in a ring. We went to antique stores (because they’re fun, not just to look at rings) and I would point one or two out that I really liked. We would see other people’s facebook flashy amazeballs rings and I’d let him know I was totally not into that. I ended up getting engaged with his great-grandmother’s ring, and it is PERFECT. I had never shown him anything like that before, but I always always love items with family history (I wear my great-grandmother’s locket everyday). Now when I show people it (which is still weird for me to do, I’ve never been a ‘look-at-me’ person), they say it looks exactly like me. Just being up front and showing him what you like doesn’t ruin the surprise at all, trust me! Oh, and trust him. I’m sure he’s been putting quite a bit of thinking towards it himself.
April 22, 2011 6:01 am
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I’m still mad at my husband for getting me a ring instead of an engagement puppy. Team Puppy, 100%.
April 22, 2011 6:07 am
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I immediately sent this link to my boyfriend and said “ENGAGEMENT PUPPY?! I didn’t know that was an option” … seriously, add this to the list of reasons why I love APW.
April 22, 2011 8:24 am
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Hubs was supposed to get me a cow but we didn’t get the fences up in time for the proposal so I got a ring instead. Harumph.
April 22, 2011 8:41 am
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HAAAAA! Freaking love this!
April 22, 2011 9:06 am
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The boy’s parents got my family a llama for Chanukah (through Heifer International, so sadly it’s not in our backyard). Shortly thereafter, he proposed. We joked for a while that that llama was my dowry
April 22, 2011 2:40 pm
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My husband proposed with his grandma’s diamond set into a ring that we’d picked out together (which is great, since we didn’t want to buy a diamond in the first place, and now I get one anyways while feeling like I’m carrying around some family history!). Looking back, I’m still really glad we went ring shopping together… I ended up with a ring I absolutely adore, and he didn’t have to stress about me not liking it, but the timing and method of proposal was still up to him. A win-win for us.
Oh, and I never bought a wedding band. I couldn’t find one I particularly liked to go with my engagement ring, and it seemed like a ridiculously stressful thing to do in the time leading up to the wedding, so I just wear the original. We might find one we like someday but for now this works perfectly. (And if other people think it’s kind of odd… well, they don’t say anything to me.)
April 22, 2011 6:07 am
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I only wear my engagement ring for now (mostly because we’re married but aren’t telling people until after the wedding). The boy and I had a fun conversation with an immigration officer when we came into the US last week:
ImmOff: You’re married?
Me: Yes.
(ImmOff clearly glances at my finger and sees only one ring. Then looks at our passports, then at me)
ImmOff: You’re not changing your name?
Me: No
The Boy: … not yet.
Me: It’s complicated. That’s not a good question to ask.
ImmOff: (looking at me) You live in England. (looking at the boy) Do you live in England too?
The Boy: No, I work in Asia
ImmOff: What, you couldn’t find a job in England?
Me: It’s complicated. That’s not a good question to ask.
ImmOff: (shakes his head, gives up because we’ve clearly violated all of his expectations for married couples, and lets us into the country)
April 22, 2011 6:43 am
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rather than an exactly button, I wish this post had a *like* button like facebook. I’d click it.
April 22, 2011 9:16 am
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Hahahaha, seriously, those moments can be ridic.
One of our most memorable crossings was we came into the U.S. last February for my grandmother’s funeral. The IO started giving us grief and then my husband started to get annoyed with the line of questioning. He began gesturing, and the IO told him, “Sir, please stop talking with your hands. Otherwise, I’m going to start talking with my hands, and you’re not going to like that.” I had to step in and diffuse the situation (and then get annoyed at himself later for letting an IO — who could screw up our lives incredibly — get him worked up) . . .
April 22, 2011 9:17 pm
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Caitlin, I never bought a wedding band before the wedding either- it was just super low on my priority list. Happily, I found an adorable sterling band from Turtle Love the last time Meg posted about them, on sale for (wait for it) $15. So now I wear two rings.
April 22, 2011 7:09 am
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hmmm… may have to do more hunting around on their site. heading there now!
April 22, 2011 1:21 pm
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We’ve recently started discussing rings and I admitted that I don’t want a wedding band at all. I am absolutely notorious for losing important rings and the thought of having to keep track of TWO rings scares me. And with our financial situation right now, I would much rather spend the extra money on our honeymoon than on another piece of jewelry. The more we talk about rings though, the more surprised I am by the message men are receiving from the WIC (and Facebook) and I feel for them.
April 22, 2011 8:29 am
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I bought a wedding band, because you’re, you know, supposed to have one. I looked for weeks, though, and didn’t find anything I liked as much as my engagement ring. I eventually just picked out something inexpensive that looks good with my engagement ring, because for me, THAT was the important ring. I kind of wish I’d saved my money and not purchased one!
April 22, 2011 8:49 am
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My engagement ring belonged to my husband’s late godmother and it’s valuable enough to have it’s own insurance policy. (Of course, the non-financial value of the ring is truly priceless and ever so much more important.) The wedding band cost a couple hundred bucks at the mall. I love them both equally for reasons that have NOTHING to do with value and everything to do with the thought behind them.
April 22, 2011 8:08 pm
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This. This is perfect. I wish it had been around when my hubby-to-be was shopping for rings. I think he did well, but he spent more money than I was comfortable with. I KNOW he was worried about being judged, and he seemed relieved when I asked him if it was OK if I didn’t put a picture on facebook of my ring because facebook ring photos drive me crazy. (If any of you have one, it’s ok, I won’t judge you. I promise)
April 22, 2011 6:09 am
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Ah, timely APW. We basically had Alyssa’s conversation almost verbatim on Monday night! I inherited a gorgeous ring that I LOVE. I’m super picky about jewelry and this ring is the perfect one for me. However, the man was worried about the families thinking he is cheap by using my ring. But then he started to think about it and realized neither of his parents will care, although his aunt might. To that I replied, “Yes, but does it affect her happiness in life?” The answer is no, and the convo continued.
He was then afraid my family would think him cheap. Um, we all love this ring, it is from a super cool great-great aunt, and I love this ring. Plus, we’re BUYING A HOUSE. I think there are more important things we’re doing with the money.
So after assuring him that even if we went shopping for a ring, I’d be looking for one exactly like the one I have and also that he can buy me something sparkly for our 5th anniversary or whatever, he left with the ring and my mom’s phone number. So, I get the ring I want and he gets to do the proposal. Fun!
April 22, 2011 6:10 am
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my girlfriend’s coworker-friends started hassling her about proposing *really early* – which, you know, helped, because it made a good excuse for conversations on the subject that were still light and funny. i think the only real advice i gave her in the “what i want in an engagement/ring” process was, “well, listen really closely to what ______ says, and do the exact opposite.” this might be an effective tactic if you have any particularly wic-centric buddies.
also – it might not work for you, but it did for us – eventually, she decided that she was ready to propose, but hadn’t found a ring she was real sure of. so she did. she proposed with a little silver adjustable ring. it is lovely and special, and i ended up choosing my own ring, which was $100 and i *love to pieces.*
p.s. loving your ring to pieces and wanting to wear it forever is, all by itself, a really good defense in the face of the above-mentioned friends who will go “oh…it’s, um…small?”
April 22, 2011 6:11 am
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“Also? Know what they call large diamond rings in not-so-savory areas? Mug-me-rings. Consider it a safety issue.”
Actual conversation I had with the boy:
Him: “Do you want a diamond engagement ring?”
Me: “Do you want me to die on the subway?”
Him: “Only sometimes.”
Me: “Then get me a diamond for those days.”
Him: “You sure you don’t need one to, you know, remind you that I’m a man or something?”
Me: “I think I’ll remember. Besides no diamond is probably best considering I think it’s too much of a risk to bring a purse to work.”
And then we laughed because I’m tiny and from the midwest and totally work in the hood. But, yeah, definitely a safety issue for some of us. hahaha
Plus, everyone totally loves my non-diamond engagement ring. It’s pretty and mixed metals and has a flower and is AWESOME!
April 22, 2011 6:15 am
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Not to mention, big honkin engagement rings are really good at screaming “American tourist” in lots of parts of Europe. I work with a lot of Swiss/French/Germans and they were pretty taken aback by the size of the engagement rings of their American coworkers. I leave mine at home most of the time when I’m overseas for that reason.
April 22, 2011 7:06 am
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I found that when I was in Europe last winter as well. I have an eternity style band, so yes it had diamonds, but it’s not huge by North American standards. In Western Europe though I felt like it was so ostentatious relative to other rings there. I love my ring, but I also have a plain band now for times when I don’t want to draw attention for whatever reason.
April 22, 2011 9:46 am
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Little known fact …
Prince Rainier of Monaco proposed to Grace Kelly with an eternity band. Then he saw the rings being worn in Hollywood and got her a huge diamond.
April 22, 2011 11:51 am
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Yup! I wear my grandmother’s tiny, flat, gold ring when I want to inconspicuously announce that I’m married.
April 22, 2011 12:11 pm
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“only sometimes” ha :) this is hilarious! you two sound pretty awesome.
April 22, 2011 7:12 am
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I had a coworker who told me I needed to turn my ring around when I rode the subway. I’ve never felt uncomfortable about wearing my ring, thankfully, so I think I’m okay. But flashy rings, clothes, purses, iPads… they can be “MUG ME” signs in certain areas.
April 22, 2011 9:17 am
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Him: “Do you want a diamond engagement ring?”
Me: “Do you want me to die on the subway?”
Him: “Only sometimes.”
Me: “Then get me a diamond for those days.”
Laughed out loud. If that is a typical conversation, then I so envy your relationship.
April 22, 2011 11:47 am
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What if you have kind of the opposite problem? I dropped a few hints about not wanting a blood diamond, hoping my guy would get something ethically sourced or some semi-precious stones or something similarly inexpensive and pretty. What he got was a very chunky tungsten band. To his credit, it is engraved with a perfect piece of text for us. But it’s really ugly, and it looks like a man’s wedding band, which makes people confused when they see it. I’ve had some really awkward “Oh, you’re engaged? Let’s see the ring!” moments.
Which is all fine with me, I am just happy to be marrying him. The problem comes with his expectations for after the wedding; he expects me to continue to wear the ring. A, it will look ridiculous next to the wedding band I picked out. B, I just don’t like it. My plan is to switch it to my right hand immediately after and then gradually stop wearing it, and hope he doesn’t notice. Is that a terrible idea? Should I suck it up and continue to wear it, since even though it is ugly it is an important symbol? I feel like the “tell him how you really feel about the ring” train has left the station; we’ve been engaged for over a year.
April 22, 2011 6:17 am
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hmm he expects you to keep wearing it? was that a conversation you had where it was clear he Wants you to keep wearing it, or does he just assume you’ll keep wearing it because “everyone does.” If it’s not something he feels strongly about, you can tell him everyone doesn’t continue to wear both (see: Meg, etc), it’s not a requirement of tradition, and you like the single band idea better. If it’s his express wish that you keep wearing it, the conversation might be tough but you may want to try having it before the wedding. You don’t have to tell him you think the ring is ugly, at this point it would just make him feel bad. Just be honest about being more comfortable not wearing it, and try to figure out where his feelings are coming from. Hopefully can find a solution you’re both happy with.
April 22, 2011 8:27 am
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Another option for you might be to buy a nice chain and wear it as a necklace after the wedding. That way you still have it on you–and close to your heart–but won’t have to wear it next to your band if you feel like they don’t go well together.
April 22, 2011 12:38 pm
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I don’t think the “being honest” train ever leaves the station.
April 22, 2011 5:13 pm
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[...] discussion over on APW has got me fondly reflecting on our wedding [...]
April 22, 2011 6:20 am
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Exactly to all the previous posts. I did not want an engagement ring for a plethera of reasons. When my main squueze got down to one knee, he pulled out a box with a beautiful, simply solitary diamond ring. I thought “holy cow, proposing. marriage. i didn’t want a ring. it’s really pretty though. he knew i didn’t want one. now that i see it i kind of want it. this is actually happening. he wants me to marry him… wait, i think he is saying something” until I actually listened to his words and found out he was proposing with a ring that had been in his family for four generations (!!!). This was perfect. It fit perfectly. It’s conflict free, a unique cut that is not done anymore (“european”), it was given to use by his parents as a gesture of love and acceptance of our relationship (which makes me feel overwhelmed with love pretty much every time I think about it) AND it was “free” to us and came with two wedding rings. Holler. I love everything about it because everything about it reminds me of us. However, as much as I adore it, I did not post a picture on facebook. I was kind of irate at the wall comments that simply said “SHOW US THE RING” because, uh, hello, I just made a huge decision to spend the rest of my life with the man I love. MY LIFE. And you want to know the accessory that you assume came with it? I never posted a picture and I never will. That is not what it’s about for me. (Maybe if I had my heart set on a specific design or if we had helped create a design, I would but mostly I refuse out of stubborn pride and a personal belief that this is not the first comment people should make when you get engaged).
I have a very good friend who had no engagement ring at all and her husband did get some flak for it while they were engaged but she is an amazingly strong and independent woman who sticks to her priorities and everyone who knew the couple knew that and when he said “it’s what she wanted” what he was really saying was “I respect her decision here even though you are giving me a hard time” and they shut up. Another amazing friend picked out a gorgeous engagement ring that is maybe a bit “alternative” to the norm with it’s deilicate beauty and when people comment on how “sweet” it is I just want to hit them. Because this “sweet” little thing represents a whole heck of a lot and she glows every time she shows anyone. So “sweet” hardly cuts it. Look at her face people! Look at her joy! It is awesome.
At any rate – every couple is different (which is a great thing) and so I think they should be able to symbolize their comittment to each other in a way that is unique and comfortable for them.
April 22, 2011 6:28 am
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A friend and I were talking about how the “it’s adorable” ring comments get to us. Like you said, “adorable” hardly cuts the feeling I have about having chosen my life partner! Hearing it almost feels like shaming. I refuse to feel anything but proud of our choices!
April 22, 2011 7:08 am
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Thank you for this, I’ll admit, I’m a little weirded out right now about how 99.98% of the comments so far assume that an Engagement Ring is the way to go (with a little joking about puppies on the side).
I’m a ring-less girl, and I’ll admit it can be really hard when you tell folks you’re getting married, or announce you’re engaged, and all anybody wants to talk about is the ring. or the proposal story. I understand that it’s easier to display enthusiasm about a physical object or a recent event, but really the focus should be that OMG, you’re getting MARRIED.
Which you are fully capable of doing in all 50 states without an engagement ring or a proposal.
April 22, 2011 10:39 am
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Stay strong and do what feels right for YOU. I was almost a ring-less gal (and we also considered a tattoo ring) simply because I hate wearing things on my hands and felt like I’d probably lose it anyway. I finally found a simple silver band, no stone, plain as they come, and it felt right. It kinda hurt at first when people would demand to see my ring, grab my hand, and then go, “oh. Um, nice.” I felt like they were assuming my guy couldn’t afford better/didn’t care enough, blahblahblah. I just explained it was exactly what I wanted, end of subject. I use the same ring as my wedding ring (because two rings? Would drive me insane).
We’ve been married almost a year and no one ever asks to see my ring now. I rarely take it off because it’s so low-profile (doesn’t get dirty), and my husband inscribed it with a beautiful and meaningful quote that is way me “me” than any stone.
April 22, 2011 11:19 am
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I’m a fellow ringless bride-to-be with no fancy proposal story (my proposal story involves me asking, “so does this mean we’re engaged?” and my fiance responding “I think so.”). What are your personal reasons for wanting no engagement ring? My main reason is the inequality of women wearing the ring and men not.
April 23, 2011 5:10 am
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We both wear engagement rings, so no trouble there ;)
April 23, 2011 5:36 am
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YAY!
We actually talked about it early on, and decided we wanted to look for rings together and then he’d keep them and surprise propose. Yep, them, we went egalitarian, and he picked his with me, and we designed mine together w/ an awesome Etsy vendor, Artwear By Caron.
I do have a friend who absolutely wants her fiance to pick hers with ZERO input. It’s terrifying for him.
April 22, 2011 6:30 am
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eBay rings unite! That’s where I found my 1950s vintage akoya pearl set in 10k yellow gold…on sale! BOOYA!
April 22, 2011 6:35 am
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Umm, to that I would really have to say…. SHOW US THE RING! Haha. Sounds gorgeous.
April 22, 2011 7:42 am
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Alyssa, your post made me laugh out loud today.
and Penelope, good luck. I think a lot of people have input into their engagement rings these days. I know I did, even though I never actually saw the final product, the boy knew what style I wanted and he went out and got something that he liked (and was comfortable paying for) in that style.
I also have quite a small and affordable ring – and I’ll tell you my friends and family all gushed over the ring as much as they would have over any other – because of what it MEANT. Maybe your boy needs to be reminded of that too. :)
P.S. Congrats on your almost engagement!
April 22, 2011 6:38 am
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I wholeheartedly agree – my ring is low profile and affordable and my fiancé’s 9 year old niece says it is her favorite ring. :-)
January 6, 2012 5:01 pm
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My husband sat me down and gave me an empty ring box and said “It is to be filled with the ring of your choice if you agree to marry me.” So, complete surprise, and I still got a ring.
Which, btw, the stone (which was a family heirloom) fell out of less than six months after we got married and we haven’t gotten around to replacing it and fixing it. Oh rings.
April 22, 2011 6:45 am
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That is really sweet. I love the variety of stories people have.
April 22, 2011 8:19 am
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We ran into this too! I knew I preferred to be a one-ring bride and I didn’t want to get an engagement ring. I told my husband that when we were talking about such things, and when he did propose he did so with a cracker jack ring. But he told me after the fact that nearly all of his friends were convinced I wasn’t serious, and that I was testing him in some way, and that I really did want an engagement ring. I was prepared for that to happen, but still saddened that people actually though I was testing him, and that he was subjected to that pressure. Even immediately after the engagement he said we could go and pick out a “real” ring if I wanted one.
I think it’s great that you are both talking about this. There may be some people that make comments about the ring after the fact, or that make a snap judgment based on superficial issues, but that will fade. People will be over getting into your engagement ring business and instead into your wedding planning business :)
April 22, 2011 6:46 am
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I’ll be a one-ring bride as well, KB. My partner has had the same issue with outside influences suggesting that I might secretly want a ring. Oh, we devil-women, always setting our traps for the less fair sex to fall into! He also had an earbashing from his stepmother who said that it may be all very well for me to refuse a ring, but people would assume my partner is tight and/or in financial difficulty, so he should act accordingly… I was glad to hear his contempt for that particular view when he relayed it to me! When the time comes for us to announce our engagement though, I’m ready for surprise at the lack of engagement ring. I’m also ready to forgive anyone who reaches for my left hand to share my joy & excitement. People who care about me won’t have enduring issues with the lack of engagement ring, so they ought to be forgiven if they’re initially suprised at my departure from the standard form.
April 23, 2011 2:42 am
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I wanted to throw my support to the ladies without huge diamonds who love their rings! I’ve always rolled my eyes at friends who picked out the biggest rings their boyfriends couldn’t afford, and had planned to stop wearing an engagement ring after getting married if we even bothered with one; except now I might not. I figured that we’d pick a date and get married without a ring, but my fiance picked out a ring with a row of very small emeralds and diamonds, and I completely adore it. That’s not to say that some people don’t get it; I’ve noticed that we can tell who knows us well by dividing friends and family who said “oh, that’s…pretty” from those who commented on how perfectly us it was. But it is fitting, for both of us, and the wic doesn’t offer anything that compares to that!
April 22, 2011 6:53 am
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When my fiancé and I were talking rings, he told me he liked the old European tradition of wearing the wedding band on the right hand while engaged, then changing hands when you get married. I thought it was a grand idea, so we ordered matching bands off Etsy. They are recycled sterling silver with a baroque style design..so pretty, and so me!!!
April 22, 2011 6:53 am
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how i ended up with way more diamond than i ever imagined:
we knew exactly when we wanted to get married, but i told him that i refused to start planning until we were actually engaged. quick recap of the conversation:
him: well, how long will it take to plan a wedding?
me: (quick calculation between current date and date we had in mind) um, maybe 10 months?
him: ok (next morning hands me a small package that had apparently been in his drawer for over a month): so, will you marry me?
and that’s how i ended up with a very large (in my opinion, others not so much, but whatevs), most likely blood diamond. not necessarily what i would have gone for, but hey – his family is from s. africa and the diamond had been in his family for a while and was designated for him (well, me). and. . . it is gorgeous. Turning it down would have likely offended his family, and I wasn’t going to do that. Luckily, he knew that choosing the ring setting was something we should do together. I wanted a simple solitaire setting, platinum band, and not the kind that makes the diamond stick up too much (i don’t know the technical term. . .but i’m enough of a klutz as it is, i couldn’t risk banging the diamond any more than i already do!). the first jeweler we went to insisted that i wouldn’t love the ring unless we added more diamonds. so we left and went elsewhere!
i did get exactly what i wanted although even with just the simple setting, its definitely a bit of a ‘mug me’ ring. so when the time came for wedding bands, i went with the simplest, thinnest band of platinum we could find so i can wear just that if needed.
April 22, 2011 7:01 am
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The klutz part of me is why I’m so picky about jewelry. I hurt myself with my very short fingernails, and having the hardest substance on earth on the back of my hand? Dangerous for both me and The Man. My inherited ring is Art-Deco, with a bezel-type setting. Safe!
April 22, 2011 9:09 am
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I honestly had no doubts that my husband would find the perfect ring for me when the time came – I’m old fashioned so I didn’t want to help him pick it out and I was pleasantly surprised when he did pop the question. He was unemployed at the time he asked me, so I knew he couldn’t/didn’t spend a lot of money on the ring, and that was okay with me. No, it’s not nearly as big as the rings most of the people I know are wearing, but I don’t mind. I later found out he actually bought the ring set from a friend who had been divorced, and the rings fit me perfectly. I actually felt good giving the rings a second chance, as silly as that sounds.
Now, while he did pick it out, I know that I told him the things I liked and didn’t like just casually, so I think that’s really good to do – make sure your man knows the style of jewelry you like – it is something you’re going to be wearing for a very long time, after all!
April 22, 2011 7:04 am
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I love that you are giving the rings a second chance.
April 22, 2011 1:31 pm
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When my fiance and I were about to get engaged, we looked around at different rings. I am completely indecisive, so I really had no idea what I wanted. I would say things like “I like this part of her ring,” or “I don’t like that.” My poor fiance! I confused him and he ended up getting something I told him I didn’t like. When he proposed and gave me the ring, I fell in love with it immediately! And then I fell in love with it even more as he explained to me why he chose it. I discovered I didn’t really care about the ring. I loved it because it was a gift from him to me to express how much he loves me. So, Penelope, really don’t worry about it. You will love whatever he gives you!
I discovered throughout the process of talking about marriage, getting engaged, and planning a wedding (4 weeks! eeeekkk!) that guys really do care! I have stressed over things about the wedding because that will be a reflection on me, but the proposal really is a reflection of the guys. Let’s not give them too hard of a time! The care my fiance took in planning the proposal is what made it a special moment. He could have done it at McDonald’s for all I care, but he made the effort to make it special, so it was!
April 22, 2011 7:08 am
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My husband and I went to look at rings together, and I specifically picked out three-stone style rings. After all that, my husband picked a ring with a solitaire style (it has four tiny diamonds along the band, but they’re so small in comparison that the ring ends up looking like a solitaire), and I LOVE it. I love the story– how he picked it out, what it meant to him, and what it means to us. Unless it’s TOTALLY different from what you had in mind, often the sentiment will outweigh specific tastes. :)
April 22, 2011 9:22 am
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Sarah and other Sarah: I’m with you guys. “I discovered I didn’t really care about the ring. I loved it because it was a gift from him to me to express how much he loves me.” Exactly.
My comment somewhere else goes into the whole story, but I wish I hadn’t given my guy instructions on what I wanted (also 3 stones!). He got me what I wanted, and I LOVE it, it’s gorgeous. But. As soon as he put it on me, I realized that it totally does not matter what it looks like or what it’s made of. Anything from him is perfect. I kind of wish I had received something that was a surprise to me, and 100% from him.
April 24, 2011 7:33 am
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My husband proposed with a note attached to a twistie-tie: “I owe you a proper ring”. Which I showed to a co-worker who sports a ring that is probably worth my annual salary (which she does not wear in front of clients or on the subway), she was so excited that it blew me away. It’s really not about the ring.
And when we did go shopping for said “proper ring” I ruled out anything I couldn’t wear in front of clients or on the subway and am thrilled with the modest, classic ring I wear everyday.
As a side-note, our wedding rings were created by an artist and they are one-of-a-kind pieces that were rather pricey. We were, however, happy to splurge there and support an eco-friendly artist.
April 22, 2011 7:16 am
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I gave him reasons why I wanted what I wanted. Plain and simple things – like “I work in construction and would really want to end it all if you got me a super huge diamond and it fell into wet concrete and became a part of the building forever.” and “I’m already flashy enough, being me, and being fabulous, and being a woman in a primarily male dominated field. I don’t need super huge bling.”…my sister went with “you might need to get something custom made because I work in a lab sometimes and have to wear latex gloves and anything that isn’t bezel set or small and flat will tear the gloves and i want to be able to wear my ring forever, not take it off every day for work…”
Once those things settled in to his head, I added in my preferences “I have kind of big fingers, so I want something that isn’t a traditional solitaire, because you would need to get a 3 carat diamond to make my fingers look normal, and that’s just ridiculous. How about we go with a smaller stone and a fancier setting? Maybe something like this really super specific style that is unlike any other ring I’ve ever seen and makes my heart just melt because I adore it…maybe this would be better.”
In the end, we had a super romantic moment, in which he picked out the ring he wanted to get me, but to be sure I liked it, he arranged for the Jewelry store to put out six different rings, with his selection among them, and have me pick from those six without telling me which his favorite was. I picked the same ring as he did (because he listened and because it’s perfectly me) and that’s when it became our ring. He still got to surprise me with the proposal, so it’s all good in the end :)
April 22, 2011 7:19 am
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You work in construction!? I mean, I know you are not your job and whatever but this makes me assume that you must be AWESOME.
April 22, 2011 8:46 am
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I know Adria and can vouch for the fact that she is indeed awesome :)
April 22, 2011 9:02 am
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ADRIA WROTE: “I have kind of big fingers, so I want something that isn’t a traditional solitaire, because you would need to get a 3 carat diamond to make my fingers look normal, and that’s just ridiculous.”
Yeah. People underestimate just how different a ring will look on different types of fingers. Anyway, I hear you. My hands are sort of large compared to most women and my overall size. The cherry on top is that my fingers look normal, but the palm side is puffy like a pillow-top mattress.
When I was a little girl, my grandmother would take my hand and say “Your hands are large for a little girl!” It never bothered me.
So, I need substantial size on top with a thin band on the palm side just for comfort! I’m not into solitaires. I’m more into artistic botanical shapes with tiny scattered stones. But the metal work on top needs to have presence.
April 22, 2011 12:12 pm
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Thank you, thank you, thank you! I know this is months later, but C and I are looking at rings and I feel like I keep hearing “I have tiny fingers, so a small ring just made sense!” I want a reasonable ring very badly, but my fingers are quite large. I tried on a solitaire on a plain band with the diamond size I want (I have begged for sapphires, but he is non-negotiable on the diamond part… I guess WIC got to him…) and felt like I had just stepped into munchkin land, it really looked awkward. I could just see C’s heart breaking because we can’t afford (nor do we want) anything larger than that. I never would have believed that I could develop body-image issues about my FINGERS, of all things. Sheesh.
A larger setting is such a good idea to make my fingers look more normal, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before! I will be trying on some halo and three stone settings ASAP.
December 9, 2011 1:59 pm
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Here’s how I dealt with the Facebook pressure regarding engagement rings: I unveiled my ring to my Facebook friends with a photo of it up my fiancé’s nostril.
April 22, 2011 7:19 am
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perfect!!!!!!!
April 22, 2011 10:35 am
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Robin, I love you.
April 22, 2011 12:15 pm
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I remember getting the run down of rings from a chain jeweler. I was shocked that the least expensive SETTING was twice our budget! When we left the store, I told P. “I’m not your property, and I don’t want a slave band.” He loved that I felt that way and we picked out a beautiful ring. It’s a brand name ring from a department store, but it wasn’t in the ‘engagement’ section. We got exactly what I wanted under our budget. No one is the wiser – most people think it’s totally unique and/or vintage. I assuage my guilt by promising that my children will inherit it and someday it’ll actually be vintage. Anyway, in 22 years, it will be!
April 22, 2011 7:23 am
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No guilt necessary. I love that some modern-day jewelers make settings based on vintage pieces.
April 22, 2011 12:16 pm
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I’m really appreciating all the discussion here. The BF and I are going ring shopping in a few weeks, and while I’m very excited to be taking a step towards marriage, I’m feeling increasingly conflicted. I wish that I wasn’t the type of person who wants a big ring, but I do. I’m having trouble reconciling that with my general low maintenance approach to things (I’m the one pushing for a courthouse elopement with immediate family only, and he’s the one who wants a big shindig and large wedding party). I’m also feeling very conflicted because while I want a big shiny, pretty ring I hate the idea of spending a lot of money on it. (They have cheap, high-quality diamonds right?) This is especially true as both the BF and I are very frugal, and we’re dilligently working to pay off our massive student loans. Ultimately, I know that I won’t be able to justify a huge expenditure when our money would be much better put towards our student debt (which we want paid off before we start a family), I guess I’m just afraid that I’ll feel disappointed. I think that I would be happy with whatever ring I got, if the BF picked it out and I never knew how much it cost or where it came from. But since we’re going to go look at rings together (and we’re discussing budget beforehand) I’m a little worried I’ll be disappointed. (I’m also a little worried that my BF is going to suggust an amount higher than what I’m thinking — he’s a lawyer and I’m just graduating law school, so for right now our perceptions of what is expensive and what isn’t tends to skew abit — and I won’t be strong enough to bring it down, even though I know the money really should go towards our debt.) Basically, I’m borrowing a lot of trouble, and I probably need to just chill out a little.
April 22, 2011 7:32 am
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Have you looked into moissanite? Its super shiny and sparkly and pretty cool – scientists discovered the how to make the stone by looking at the makeup of meteorites (awesome, right?). Its waaay cheaper than a similarly sized diamond, and may very well satisfy your urge for big and sparkly without breaking the bank.
If you really want a diamond though (which is fine) I’d suggest buying one loose in the diamond district of DC and having it set yourself. The competition of the vendors in the diamond district tends to drive down the price of the stones, plus there you’re just paying for the stone, not Tiffany’s marketing budget ;)
April 22, 2011 8:06 am
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And, as suggested, estate sales and antique jewelry are good places to look! Not all, but many, or the antique rings I’ve seen seem to have larger stones, and more elaborate settings, but they’re really unique.
April 22, 2011 8:16 am
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In addition to what Amy and Meaghan said (plus ebay, as some people mentioned above), you might consider getting a slightly lower quality diamond. When he bought my ring, the boy stressed a lot about the 4C’s. Had he known then what he knows now, he would have gone for a lower clarity stone. How many people actually look at your ring with a jeweler’s loop? So long as you can’t see any inclusions with the naked eye, it doesn’t really make much of a difference… except in price.
April 22, 2011 9:05 am
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This!! And, actually, my stone has an inclusion that I can see. It’s a little black dot up by one corner, and I’ve grown to love it! I call it my ring’s birthmark. :) At a glance, no one can see it, and my friends don’t really notice it even when they look closely. I know it’s there because I know my ring best (aaaand because I stare at it sometimes, lol), but it doesn’t diminish the GORGEOUS stone, or make it sparkle any less when it hits the light.
The birthmark is a little bubble in the stone, a reminder that it came from the earth by some crazy process of pressure and time, and it gives it character. I like that my stone isn’t perfect, but is still so beautiful– just like me.
April 22, 2011 9:27 am
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I have a visible inclusion too. It’s a vintage ring, and I didn’t really see it at the jeweler, but my eagle-eyed fiance pointed it out later. I had a day of freaking out all WIC-like (why didn’t we do our homework! Why did we ignore the 4-Cs) and then I came to my senses and remembered: we ignored the 4-Cs because I didn’t care. I wanted a vintage ring, I wanted something that would work with my small hand, and I wanted something different that fit with my aesthetic. My ring is all those things. Sure there is an inclusion, but A#1, you’re not going to really see it unless you are staring at it (like I do too), A#2 it’s still sparkly, and A#3, so what? It’s imperfect. So am I and so is my fiance. And yet we love each other (and the ring) anyway.
April 22, 2011 10:38 am
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Those are actually all a lot of really great suggustions, and I think playing around with the quality (4Cs) is definitely something to look into. I also love the idea of a “vintage” ring from an estate sale or the like. And obviously, it’s not all about the ring, but they are so pretty!
April 22, 2011 10:50 am
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My (inherited family) ring has a fairly large stone, but at least two viable inclusions plus others that can be seen under a loup. However. All I can tell when I look at it is that it’s pretty and sparkly and casts the most amazing rainbows on the roof of the car while I’m driving. Good enough!
April 22, 2011 8:19 pm
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second’ing the moissanite suggestion. I wanted something sparkly but didn’t want a blood diamond (nor did I want to spend the kind of dough to buy a diamond) so I got a beautiful, sparkly, basically looks like a diamond to every single person I’ve shown it to moissanite ring. I don’t pretend it’s a diamond – if someone asks, I’ll gladly tell them its not a diamond but most people just say “Oh that’s beautiful!” and I say thank you.
Also, moissanite? Originally discovered in a meteor crater. and now it’s made in a lab. Go science!
April 22, 2011 11:04 am
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I love “How To Buy A Diamond” by Fred Cuellar. He used to give it away but now is selling it. E-mail me at jennieboo33 at att dot net if you want and I will mail you my copy. It has a TON of useful info about how to get the best deal and is very science-ey if you like that stuff! I am getting a family diamond, but I was relying on what I learned in this book and what I trusted of our small jeweler before I knew that.
I also advocate moissanite as an alternative to diamonds. There are ALSO some really good simulants – try ziamond.com and diamondnexuslabs.com for some well-regarded simulants.
April 22, 2011 11:56 am
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I’ve honestly never heard of moissanite before this discussion, but I’m really intrigued and will have to look into it more. I know my former engineer bf will also appreciate the science-y aspects of it! Jen, I e-mailed you, thank you!
April 23, 2011 5:29 am
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You should also try Charlston-Alexander in Falls Church and ask for Diane. She was wonderful! In fact I was looking into moissante too, but she suggested CZ (don’t bother with Asha, just marketing hype). She was the only jeweler that didn’t make me feel bad that I didn’t want a diamond. In fact she encouraged me to go with a CZ (only $20-$30 dollars) and I love it. As long as I keep it clean, it’s just as spakly as a diamond.
April 27, 2011 8:48 am
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I am so, so glad to hear comments from all of the other people who have picked out their own rings – for a while, I was worried I was being too demanding/picky, but my significant other really wants me to have something I want. He initially started linking me to rings with ornate settings and stuff that just wasn’t my style – and was floored when I repeatedly told him that no, really, I like a simple, modern setting. So now he has the setting I love bookmarked, and in the not-too-distant future will hopefully be getting it (he just bought a house, and even with my push for a more budget-friendly setting and stone, the money isn’t quite there yet).
I tried to talk with him about not needing a ring to be engaged, but he’s dead-set on it… And I think there are some times where his ideas of what an engagement should be need to be honored, too. Even if I think it’s a little silly – heck, he thinks it’s silly that I don’t want a fancy setting with five million pave diamonds!
April 22, 2011 7:34 am
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I totally know what you mean about the men having needs to be honored too. For a while I was driving myself crazy over what was going on here b/c he would never give me anything about whether marriage/engagement was upcoming, something he was thinking about etc. Finally, it came out that he thinks the engagement should be a huge romantic surprise and he thought talking to me about it at all would ruin it. Once I knew he was thinking about it I chilled out considerably. While a surprise engagement is not something that I need, it’s something that he does, and I can live with that!
April 23, 2011 5:31 am
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http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/11/authenticity-and-engagement-and-wedding-rings/#comment-35680
My engagement ring story.
I don’t think it’s about the ring. I think it’s about what it stands for, and the people involved in its story.
April 22, 2011 7:38 am
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I’m too ashamed to put my name on this comment, but I just have to say to Mr. Suspecting His Girlfriend Secretly Wants A Huge Engagement Ring: If she says she doesn’t, SHE DOESN’T. Don’t you appreciate it when she takes you at your word? You should do the same for her.
Now for the shame part. When my wonderful husband popped the question to me, it was a complete surprise, something we had never talked about. I was shocked, but overjoyed, and overall I really liked the surprise of it all. Yes, I’m a little controlling, and had he given me a chance to pick or even influence the picking of an engagement ring, I would have become a crazy person, obsessed with all the choices, prices, etc. I was glad he saved me (us) from all that and just presented me with a ring. His proposal was lovely and sort of old fashioned, and I liked it, even the surprise aspect of it all. My ring is beautiful, and yes, it’s enormous. HOWEVER. The fact that it’s enormous isn’t what makes it lovely; it’s what it represents, his question to me, his proposal that we spend our lives together. That’s the part I was overjoyed about. Wearing a ring that gets stuck on everything, that scratches my loved ones and gets all kinds of stuff stuck in it when I’m cooking… not so much. Here’s a shocker, I don’t even care about diamonds!!! I never wear jewelry, except the diamond earrings he got me early in our relationship, and I wear those more for what they mean than how they look. Had he ASKED ME what I preferred, I would have gone with something much cheaper and simpler, just a personal preference. I know he’s very proud of himself for picking it out all by himself, for providing me the engagement ring equivalent of a Hummer. I love him so much and am so happy to be married to him, so I could never tell him that secretly, I’m not over the moon about my engagement ring, the physical properties of it. I don’t even want to wear my engagement ring ever, I prefer my wedding ring only, but I feel terrible when I don’t wear it, like it’s a statement that I don’t appreciate the gift, the thought and emotion behind it, the expense. So I do wear it, but it’s just so much. I would have been happy with much less.
God, I know I sound like an ungrateful brat :-( Just wanted to say to those guys out there having this conversation with your loves: if your girlfriends are TELLING you they don’t want a big ring… they’re telling you the truth. The ring itself doesn’t prove anything… it’s why you’re giving it to her in the first place. Just my two cents!
April 22, 2011 7:55 am
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I had the same issue with my husband giving me a ring that was much blingier than I’d wanted. At first I rather resented feeling like I needed to defend an ornate ring that wasn’t even my style, but then I started looking at it – like you said – as the symbol of his commitment to me and of his desire to get me something that he found beautiful and precious. No shame in wearing a ring that says that, no matter its size. So, shame blasters activate! Pew pew pew!
April 22, 2011 12:33 pm
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I sleep without my rings after scratching David in the face while I slept. OOPS.
April 22, 2011 8:21 pm
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We talk a great deal about how the WIC pressures women, so it’s a good reminder that men have to deal with it, too.
When my now husband and I were discussing getting engaged, he was very disappointed that he couldn’t afford a ring he thought I “deserved.” I just wanted to be married to my person, so I told him (truthfully) that he could propose with no ring and I would still want to marry him. He ended up proposing with a plain gold band, because it was very important to him to propose with a ring of some kind. Fast forward a few months, and my mom surprised me by flying in to look at wedding dresses with me. (Best surprise ever!) But I wasn’t the only one she had a surprise for. She brought a ring that belonged to her mother, who died when I was very young. It was a ruby ring with smaller diamonds. She said husband could have it and give it to me if he wanted, but there wasn’t any pressure. So they went to a local jewelry store together and picked out a new setting, and now I wear my beautiful engagement band and a truly gorgeous ruby ring that I love. That ruby ring means so much because it is from my family, but also because husband got to design a setting and make it something new. It has so much more meaning for us than if he had listened to the WIC. And I get to tell a great story every time someone comments on it!
April 22, 2011 8:00 am
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Your story really resonated since mine is similar – my fiance proposed with a simple white gold band because he’d impulsively decided to propose *that night* and stopped at the jeweler’s on his way home from work. I know he wanted a fancier ring and a more elaborate proposal, but to me the simple ring and proposal meant just as much, if not more. I never wanted a big rock for my hand. But he kept talking about upgrading to something fancier until my mom remembered her grandmother’s ring that had been sitting in a closet since she died. We were able to have it resized (I didn’t inherit her tiny fingers!) and whoa, is it big and sparkly and old-fashioned – and kind of to my surprise, I LOVE wearing it. It’s already an engagement & wedding band fused together, so I’m set.
I didn’t get any negative comments while I was wearing the plain band (for a month or two) but I did get the feeling that people expected something more exciting when they asked to see my ring. I get more enthusiastic comments with this one, but I really think it’s just because it’s beautiful and not because people think it’s better (librarians aren’t a very flashy bunch). I had a great conversation with some coworkers about inherited rings that made me feel like part of a great tradition (my mom’s ring came from my dad’s mom, also).
April 22, 2011 10:15 am
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I was very adamant about not wanting a diamond or even a gold band. Very adamant. So when Mr. EG finally started thinking about rings he knew I wanted silver and a colored stone of some sort. He’s not the type to go to jewelry stores so late one Friday night (like 12:30 I’m tired and going to bed late) he asks me, “Um. Hey, what do think of these rings?” and pulls up a file on his computer. It has photos of some very nice silver and sapphire rings. I respond that they’re ok but still a bit too flashy for my tastes. So we get on Etsy and start looking. That night we found a jeweler from NYC that had several rings that we both liked. I said that any of those would be perfect and left the final decision up to him.
He actually wound up proposing without the ring as it was still being made and we were leaving for vacation/ he’ll be gone the other half the month at a conference combo the next day. The ring showed up after I returned home and he was still away at the conference. It was so hard to wait to wear it out and about, but I waited until he returned so he could see it before everyone else. I was so excited to show everyone. I was like: “LOOK AT MY RING! ISN’T IT SOOO COOL! It’s got these Flowers and Leaves and the Flowers have Different Colored Stones in the Centers!”
I still like to show it off a year later. Might even use it as my wedding band.
April 22, 2011 8:08 am
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This sounds a little bit like us! We looked at rings late at night and I told him what I didn’t want. I said I didn’t want a diamond. Call me Anne of Green Gables, but I’ve never been a huge fan. I do like other colored rocks though, and since our birthdays are both in May and that’s when we met, I told him I’d prefer an emerald.
But, one of the outcomes of proposing to him meant that there was no ring for me. We’re doing engagement gifts and I have a strong feeling that a ring will be mine. His will be cufflinks and a nice iPad case. Recently I was in a vintage shop and looking at an emerald ring that I might take him back to.
That being said, I have felt a little sad to not have any ring on my left hand for right now. People who heard we were engaged and then saw I didn’t have a ring were confused and I felt a bit like a fraud. I know it’s my choice and I like that we’re making our own decisions, but the excitement and fun that comes with a ring and engagement has been missing a little. However, I’ve been collecting stories of women who don’t have engagement rings, or didn’t get one until much later. Because of them, I remind myself that it doesn’t really matter, I’m still getting married regardless.
April 22, 2011 8:23 am
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A friend of mine had an engagement rock…literally. It was some sort of cool rock that her fiance had found while hiking, or something like that, and she loved the gesture but you can’t exactly wear it on your finger or carry it around with you! I don’t think it really matters, either, but I do hope you get your emerald!
April 22, 2011 10:21 am
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We had a pretty unique ring situation. The story goes like this. I’ve had a family heirloom watch face in my jewelry box for years gathering dust that has real diamonds on it. The watch was a piece that my great-grandmother gave to my grandmother to wear at my mothers wedding (tons of sentimentality). When my fiance and I started talking about getting engaged, we explored ethical diamond rings, estate rings from antique shops and many other options without success. Our goal was to find a beautiful and unique diamond ring but we definitely had no desire to spend 3 months salary on it. That’s when I remembered that I already had several small, very beautiful diamonds in my possession. I asked my grandmother what she would think about me re-purposing it and she was absolutely delighted at the thought of it being reworked. This turned out to be the perfect solution because it had very sentimental meaning for our family. My fiance wanted our engagement to be a surprise so I handed the diamonds over to him about 6 months before he popped the question and he worked with the jeweler to create a ring that would hold the diamonds. We’re both so happy with this choice. The ring is beautiful, totally blingin’ (ha) and I get a heart twang every time I look at it! :) My advice is to look in your jewelry box, or maybe your mom’s or his mom’s jewelry box. You might be surprised at what you find. Maybe there is a beautiful but unworn sapphire, diamond, ruby or even emerald necklace waiting to be re-purposed!
April 22, 2011 8:16 am
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My parents got engaged on a whim (my dad kept talking about “when we XYZ” and my mom just asked him, point-blank “when are you going to ask me to marry you?”) and my dad asked his mother if she had anything lying around that would work for an engagement ring. She produced a gorgeous antique platinum filigree ring covered with diamond chips (and matching brooch!). It was a little too big, so my mom wrapped a band-aid around the band, wore it for a few months, then replaced it with their wedding bands.
Meanwhile, I actually have a diamond ring given to me by my aunt; it was from her first husband, and she didn’t want it anymore. I could easily pass that along to someone in our family (…come to think of it, I should mention that to my pre-engaged cousins). You never know what’s lurking in people’s jewelry boxes!
April 22, 2011 9:33 am
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My fiance picked out the perfect ring for me with hardly any input at all, but I did tell him: nothing huge, please. I don’t want something flashy and I don’t want something I will feel guilty about when I think of how much he must have spent. Anyway, I do encounter the people who probably think it is small, but I’ll tell you one thing you can do after the deed is done that will put everyone at ease: gush about how much you love your perfectly you-sized ring right in front of your fiance. I was just doing it because I really do love it, but I realized at some point that it was making him so happy to hear my praise too. I know it is just a ring, just a thing, but complimenting it in front of him is a little gift that keeps on giving.
April 22, 2011 8:16 am
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Penelope’s description of herself is 99% me! My fiance wanted to surprise me but wanted to get me something I would enjoy wearing. We agreed that me sending him a few links to photos of rings that I liked would be okay :) I hate gold, diamonds, and anything big.
He hit it out of the ballpark with a teakwood ring with a silver inlay (www.simplywoodrings.com).
Did I post close up pictures on Facebook? No, that’s not my style anyway. Do I tell people that the ring is exactly what I wanted so people won’t think he was being cheap? Yes, because I know he appreciates it. Did our dog eat the engagement ring promptly one month into the engagement? Yes, because it’s how he rolls. Did we find a $10 replacement to last the next 6 months because I only want to wear my wedding ring? Yes, because that’s how we roll. Did people judge my fiance because I didn’t have a rock? Maybe. Maybe not. Do we care? No. Is our honeymoon going to be outstanding because we didn’t blow our savings on a ring? YES.
April 22, 2011 8:17 am
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Sorry, I need to know more about your dog eating the ring!
April 22, 2011 8:23 am
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Now I’m worried my dog who eatsanythingincludingenjoyingelectrocution kind of dog might try to eat my ring.
Love the $10 replacement ring though. Good idea if you just want to wear the wedding ring.
April 22, 2011 8:26 am
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Haha, it was largely my fault. The wood ring was gorgeous but a tiny bit thick, so I had to take it off to play guitar. I made the mistake of setting it down on the coffee table, and when I finished playing, it was gone. We actually aren’t even 100% sure the dog ate it, but we can’t find it anywhere else. The wood ring was, again, gorgeous, but obviously not durable, so after watching our dog’s every bathroom break for a few days, we gave up. It’s a mystery! Put your ring in your pocket if it’s not on your finger folks!
April 22, 2011 8:37 am
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My grandmother’s dog ate her ring once. She spent 3 days following that dog around, waiting and checking EVERY bit of anything that came from it. (From both ends, even!)
Eventually, she got it back, had it cleaned, and went on wearing it. Now that diamond is on my sister’s hand, and we tease her about the dog.
If nothing else, it made for a fun family story!
April 22, 2011 12:38 pm
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Those wooden ones look super sweet and I wish I had known about them! Totally my style.
July 20, 2011 12:57 pm
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Ah, how two ladies complicates things. Because that means… two engagement rings! My partner (McPants on this board) and her best friend went ring shopping together because they were both in long term relationships and that way they could be a source of info if the other needed it. And when they came back from the trip, McPants told me I had to go with her. And we went ring shopping together and I was really glad we did. Because what I thought I wanted for a ring (three stone setting, simple band) is not at all what I liked on my hand (same for the fiancee). In the end, the ring is still what I wanted – sapphire, silver (well, white gold), with a little bit of detail, but not at all what I thought it would be… and the same for the fiancee!
The best part is that we each went separately to order the rings separately (which leave to some hilarity with our friends apparently). Neither of us knew it was coming, so proposing was still unexpected. And we got to propose to each other! (I suggested she propose to me because I was enjoying putting together my proposal so much, I thought she would too)
I’m actually wearing my ring on my middle finger these days for no other reason than I’ve lost weight and I’m terrified of it falling off.
April 22, 2011 8:20 am
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My husband and I bought the ring together. I picked it out because I have really, really, really picky taste, and the ring I wanted was from this etsy artisan so it wasn’t something he could just find on his own easily. :P I felt bad commandeering the ring process on one hand (pun) but on the other, it’s something I plan to wear for a long, long time, so I wanted it to be the something I’d been pining for.
I feel guilty sometimes because I feel like people are judging him when they see how tiny and delicate my ring is — the stone isn’t mounted, and it’s super tiny, and looks like a tiny knot in a tree. It’s gorgeous but SUPER small and not sparkly, which has caused me to get some “ohyoupoorthing” comments/looks from people, and basically *disappointment* from others when we got engaged and I was prompted to show it off. But I’m always very quick to say “*I* picked this out. It’s handmade!” and that’s my way of silently reproaching people because yo, don’t judge my boy on this ring’s size!
There’s really not a whole lot you can do about other people. Go with your gut and do what makes *you* happy as a couple and eff the rest. People project a LOT when it comes to judging other people’s weddings and choices anyway…I feel like if I went with something that would be more approved by say, my coworkers, then my offbeat friends would be disapproving instead, or something. You can’t please everyone, so we decided to please ourselves.
April 22, 2011 8:24 am
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I too, was surprised how much societal pressure got to my fiance. I gave him a few guidelines – yes, I wanted a diamond, but I wanted it to be less than a carat (I don’t wear much jewelry and I’m not flashy by nature), and what mattered more to me was the “character” of the ring. I wanted it to be different, unique. I wanted it to be US.
I thought he’d be totally on board. I thought he’d be relieved he wouldn’t have to spend as much. But when he proposed, after I had gotten over the utter shock (bonus points to the fiance for still being able to surprise me even though we’d talked about it for months), he actually said “We can get an upgrade for our 10 year anniversary”.
I looked down at my gorgeous engagement ring, in a setting with a ton of engraving and embellishments that SO fit my personality, and asked “Why?”
Men get just as caught up in this stuff as women do. They know that other women are going to ask to see – and judge – the engagement ring. I totally get where Penelope is coming from. Just reassure him, over and over, that it’s not about what other people think, or what he thinks he SHOULD be getting you. It’s about you two committing to each other, and the ring representing that. He’ll get tit eventually.
April 22, 2011 8:25 am
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