It's been awhile since we've had a post on not loving your wedding, and it seemed like high time. Sometimes I get asked if Wedding Graduates are screened for having a positive message, and the answer is 'no,' or at least, 'not exactly.' When I was wedding planning, I found that mainstream wedding planning sites trafficked in a lot of panic (and fear of regret). There were a lot of brides talking about all the things that had gone wrong, and all the ways they wished they'd spent money to save themselves from imperfection. And in my more sensitive planning moments, that made me feel a little bit like vomiting everywhere. Because what I wanted to know is that the wedding wasn't the end all, be all, and if and when things did go wrong, I'd still be just fine. And today's grad, Caitlin, talks about how she just flat out didn't adore her wedding. But that in the end, there were still a ton of wonderful things that came out of it, from learning to trust her partner\'s massive planning abilities in a new way, to tiny origami animals, to well, her marriage. And that makes me feel happy, not pukey. And also Caitlin, we're all going to collectively release you from your guilt for not loving your wedding. Because we think your wedding was rad, and your marriage is better (pew, pew, pew). (And... can we talk about her dress? Sorry. I never say that. But whoa.) And with that I bring you Caitlin.
The only way I can see starting this is with the truth: I have a lot of difficulty seeing and reading wedding graduate posts here at APW. I know that photos can be misleading, that people all want different things for their weddings, etc. I know we’re supposed to own our weddings, make them as “us” as possible (editors note: I don't know about that! Just get married!), and not get too caught up in the WIC or wedding blog stereotypes. But really? My wedding day was fun, but not overwhelmingly exciting, touching or anything like that. Yes, my mom nearly started crying before Jeff's dad walked her and Jeff's mom down the aisle. She also cried during the entire ceremony. But she cries during movies all the time. Yes, I was so full of nerves about forgetting the two lines that brides have to remember during a Catholic wedding ceremony that I could barely eat the entire day. But I also remember thinking, "Eh, really? This is it?"
I was expecting wedding zen. I was expecting overwhelming calm or joy or happiness or some other strong emotion. And that didn’t happen. We got married, didn’t smoosh noses during our kiss (yes, that was a fear of mine), walked down the aisle and thanked everyone for coming. I bustled my dress, we hopped into the car (my parents’ car, with our photographer in the back seat) and made our way to the reception.
During the reception, I kept thinking about how none of our friends were big into dancing (c'mon, we're all engineers...) and worried it would look like no one had any fun at our wedding because there wouldn't be pictures of everybody breaking it down on the dance floor. We did have my relatives and my parents' friends, who have all seemingly taken ballroom dancing lessons sometime in the last five years. Which meant that they showed us all up by dancing the whole time. Ballroom dancing. Swing dancing. Generalized middle-aged boogying down occurred, let me tell you.
Instead of the crazy dance party on the part of our friends, there was a lot of milling about, a lot of compliments on the food (brisket and pulled pork and homemade cake = YES), and that was about it. We were surrounded by our parents' friends more than by our own (which was bound to happen since both sets of parents contributed significantly to the wedding costs). I did manage to scoot out for a few minutes to the nearby chocolate shop and pick up some chocolate with my closest friends, just for fun, but was a bit irritated that the person who helped me was in no way acknowledging that I was in my wedding dress. Seriously. If somebody walks into a shop in their wedding dress, at least say something about it. Wish them well.
And at the end, I was the one to help carry things down to the car, in my wedding dress, wearing the shawl my mom crocheted for me, avoiding the slushy snow and thinking - where's my fancy exit? Where's the frigging tunnel of sparklers for our giddy run to the car? Why am I carrying out baskets, trying to avoid my incredibly overly drunk friend (It's a problem and makes me super, super uncomfortable watching it happen) instead of happily driving off into the sunset with Jeff? Because damnit, that's what it should have been like, right?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I didn't LOVE my wedding. I didn't feel present during it. I didn't have so much fun at the reception that the time flew by and it was over before I knew it.
Oddly enough, I do remember the better parts of the week leading up to the wedding - baking all the cakes for the wedding with my mom, who taught me how to bake when I was just big enough to handle stirring things with a spoon. She is why I know how to knead bread dough. I remember playing Bridge with my parents and Jeff while drinking copious amounts of wine. Drinking even more copious amounts of wine as family started coming in for the days before the wedding. Hiding from the shrieking that occurs when my mom’s family gets together with said copious amounts of wine. Going on a run with my dad, because we've been running together since I was 7 years old. He was my running partner for my first 5K, my track coach through most of grade school, and generally the best cheerleader anyone could have during high school cross country meets.
Having Jeff there every single time I turned around, asking if he could help was priceless, this I remember. And oh boy, could he – those origami name cards? He made them. The centerpieces? My idea, his execution. The swing dance for our first dance? All his idea. Fixing the ordering screw-up so that we had beer from the correct Wisconsin microbrewery even though they ordered the wrong one and it was two days before the wedding? Thank god for fiances. Every little last bit of reception setup even though he had just come down with a cold? Yep, you got it. I was probably the least busy person that entire week thanks to him.
And finally - sitting around in the "cry room" of the church right before the ceremony, eating a bagel and just chatting with my mom, mother in law, and bridesmaids. Realizing that sh*t - this thing is starting in 10 minutes and I forgot to put on any makeup. And then remembering that I hate makeup so lip gloss was all they were gonna get out of me. Actually, Jeff and I had this conversation before the wedding - we agreed that we wanted to recognize each other when we got married. So no crazy hairdos, no heavy makeup to make pictures look better, nothing like that. My hair? It air-dried on the drive to the church that morning. Makeup was lip gloss and mascara, borrowed from his sister, one of my bridesmaids. And Jeff screwed up when shaving his facial hair earlier in the week and cut it super short. No biggie - it's just hair, it'll grow back. I think he was more upset about it than I was!
These thoughts are what have been bouncing around in my head for the past few months, and I feel guilty about feeling this way. So I guess I just wanted to get it on paper, out there, for others to see. My wedding was not earth-shattering. It wasn't tear-inducing (for me). And I'm still trying to convince myself that that's okay.
And it’s okay because I say so. While I may not think that automatically, I can tell myself that it really was okay. Because everyone who came loved the wedding. They were impressed by how smoothly everything ran (see also: engineers getting married), and they loved the food. The week running up to the wedding was smooth, fun and relaxed. And now, we joke about the little things. Like how my dad’s toast made me almost cry, how the best man gave his toast while trying to keep his pants from falling down, how the father-daughter dance was to the right song, but the wrong version (completely incorrect for waltzing to), and how the DJ kept missing Jeff’s signals to just stop the damn song during the mother-son dance because they didn’t want to dance anymore. It’s those little things that I hold onto, because they are the funny, quirky things that made the wedding ours.
From reading APW for so long, I've see that sometimes for those with the huge dance fests, there's this feeling of exhaustion and let-down when it's all over. And sometimes for those with the milling about and chatting, there's the feeling that it wasn't quite as big as we thought it should be. But it's not the end of the world, because I'm sure that if you just relax, things will work out. You got married, surrounded by friends and family, and that's pretty darned kick ass. It was you, and your partner, and the people that matter, and there will be those funny and quirky little memories that make the wedding yours. And anytime you think differently, talk to your friends. If they’re your real friends, they’ll slap some sense into your wedding-addled brain quicker than you’d ever thought possible.
Photos By: Helene Dujardin
Caitlin (great name BTW), thank you for such an honest post. The dancing part of a wedding can be hard to navigate for non dancers, and I hate that you felt pressure to have a dance party if that is just not you or your friends thing. In my opinion great dance parties are like hurricanes–all the conditions have to be just right for one to form and then it gets out of control sort of feeding off itself. So I feel like they can be rare depending on the people involved and in no way a reflection of you.
And I LOVE that you hardly wore makeup. As a non makeup wearing person, I felt all this pressure to have nice makeup on “for the pictures.” But you just went and proved the WIC wrong! You look beautiful and radiant without it!
April 7, 2011 4:53 am
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“great dance parties are like hurricanes–all the conditions have to be just right for one to form and then it gets out of control sort of feeding off itself”
Amazing. And YES! Lets take the pressure off to have dance parties if we’re not dancing people!!
April 7, 2011 7:55 am
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The first time I met Mark of LeahAndMark.com (full disclosure: he’s now my boss, and will eventually be shooting my wedding, too), he said, “You should come to the studio and let me shoot you!” (for their website, since I was joining their team). I said, “Um, I don’t wear makeup?” in the “do I need to for your pictures?” way. Mark looked at me, and said, deadpan, “Neither do I.”
And my brain went, “Oh. Right. 50% of the world doesn’t wear makeup and looks great in their wedding pictures. Also, if this pro photographer is saying I don’t need makeup for my intern headshots, f*ck the WIC and my hairdresser and everyone who says ‘you need makeup or the pictures won’t look good!’ T. has seen me in makeup ONCE and said that he likes me better without it. *I* like me better without it. So I’m not f*cking wearing it. End of story.”
So pew pew pew at the “you must wear makeup”, Carbon Girl!
April 7, 2011 10:56 am
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awesome. love it love it. god I wish I could apply for one of those internships…
April 8, 2011 6:18 am
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First, WOW! That dress is gorgeous and you look so beautiful in it.
Okay, now that that is out of the way. I understand your reservations on several fronts about dancing. I just don’t like to do it. My FH and I will do a spin or two to an appropriately sappy song at a wedding (sometimes in the kitchen too!) but don’t really “get down” at all. I’m thinking about alternatives for our wedding. I’m planning on an MP3 player with some music that we like and allow dancing to begin organically or not.
I like the idea of people milling around and talking, those are the times I love my friends the most. When you think about it, once we are adults, 90% of our social functions do not include dancing. When was the last time you had dancing at a dinner party or a family reunion? I’m trying to find a compromise for entertainment – yummy food, board games (cuz that is soooooo us), a bonfire. I want to enjoy my family and friends in a way that I actually can enjoy, rather than a way that I “have” to.
Good for you for owning your day and your feelings about it. There is nothing wrong with your reaction to your wedding and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with your wedding either. Like Meg noted, it’s about the marriage. If you are ready for that then you are good to go.
April 7, 2011 11:38 am
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We are having a board game reception (likely with an arts & crafts table for the kids). Our wedding is right after Christmas, and we’re going for a laid-back, family cabin weekend type of thing. We like to dance some, but our families don’t, and we figure that the board games will be a big hit. We plan on having some party games where people can drift in and out (apples to apples, cranium, trivial pursuit, and this game my family loves called ubi), some quick/easy play things (chess, checkers, blokus, connect4), and lots of decks of cards and cribbage boards. I am going to do music for background and if people happen to want to dance.
April 7, 2011 2:56 pm
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Leah! We’re doing this too! We should swap game ideas, or something. :D
April 7, 2011 8:05 pm
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You forgot the best game in the world: Banangrams! It is quick and people can easily stop/start playing.
April 7, 2011 8:09 pm
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Your wedding day may not have been everything you had hoped it would be, but you got married to a great guy, so congratulations! And as Meg said, you rocked your dress. And the origami bouquet. And you play bridge!?! You can’t possibly be any cooler. Thanks for sharing!
April 7, 2011 4:58 am
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Caitlin’s post is so thoughtful and down-to-earth. Even though I have fantasies of the wedding being a total zen-love-awesome fest, I get the feeling that the reality will be a little more in line with other “major” events in my life. College graduation was lovely and fun, but I got emotional the next day, when I had to return books to the university library for the last time; favorite moments of traveling abroad rarely involve seeing the “important sites.” I’m glad to read about a wedding that wasn’t an emotional disaster, but wasn’t exactly the stunningly happy dream that you usually hear about. And I love that Caitlin still had moments throughout the wedding prep process that were important to her and her family/friends. Just because a day doesn’t match the idea of how it’s supposed to be doesn’t mean that you’re missing out on anything.
April 7, 2011 4:59 am
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After reading your post, I feel that the wedding you described was the wedding for you. It was so honest. There’s no need to feel guilty about an honest wedding.
April 7, 2011 5:00 am
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I’m throwing off my invisibility cloak to say THANK YOU (and also, ack!) I have three months before my wedding and have recently become anxious that I am going to have the same experience as Caitlin: all the buildup and then emotionally–nothing. I’ve been feeling like I’m sliding downhill towards the insanity of the WIC and I don’t know what to do. However, this post has been reassuring because though I can definitely imagine myself as the author, I am also really encouraged by Caitlin’s optimism and honestly. I am going to make these lines my daily (hourly?) mantra:
“And it’s okay because I say so. While I may not think that automatically, I can tell myself that it really was okay…You got married, surrounded by friends and family, and that’s pretty darned kick ass. It was you, and your partner, and the people that matter, and there will be those funny and quirky little memories that make the wedding yours.”
April 7, 2011 5:10 am
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Build up to the wedding. But, more than that, build up to the marriage. Because, in the end, the wedding is just a day (whether fantastic and emotionally-charged or underwhelming and even disappointing), and the marriage is that day and all the days after.
The boy and I eloped in a beautiful little beach ceremony. Sure, it was emotional for us. But while the officiant was reading all the lovely things we’d written about each other, I couldn’t help but think “Wait, that’s it? He stops talking, we kiss and sign the paper and… that’s it?” There are posts by people who felt like everything changed on their wedding day. And there are posts by people who felt like nothing changed. We kept waiting for the ground to shift beneath our feet and… it didn’t happen. At least not immediately and drastically. It doesn’t make being stuck with him any less fantastic :)
Caitlin, fantastic post! I LOVE the origami place cards.
April 7, 2011 5:45 am
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I love the origami place cards too!
April 7, 2011 6:22 am
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I love this post, so true, so nice. You looked beautiful and peaceful and relaxed.
I didn´t have a wedding reception because it was too impractical for us-: him from Serbia, me from Argentina, both working in Cote d’Ivoire, for peacekeeping, almost no common friends, families speaking different languages. It would have cost a fortune to get families and friends in any common place, so we got married just the two of us and a couple of friends in Italy, in Firenze. It worked for us and we loved it that way. But the most important thing of all was the fact that, from that day on, we became a family. And in the end, I think that´s what matters.
PS: HELENE DUJARDIN took your pictures???!!!!!!!THE Helene Dujardin, from Tartelette???!!! WOW. I ADORE her photography.
April 7, 2011 5:10 am
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I was so incredibly lucky that Helene was able to take the pictures – she’s a wonderful friend, and we had a ball hanging out during the days prior to the wedding. Also, a wedding in Firenze? WIN.
April 7, 2011 5:56 am
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How nice! I think it’s even better when the photographer is one’s friend :)
Getting married in Firenze was indeed great and I would highly recommend it! We had only a civil wedding…but civil weddings in Firenze take place in Palazzo Vecchio, and they play Vivaldi’s four seasons during the ceremony! :D
April 7, 2011 6:55 am
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Palazzo Vecchio and Vivaldi?!
SWOON.
April 7, 2011 9:39 am
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omg. that would be awesome. I love Vivaldi and would be so excited to go to Italy.
April 7, 2011 2:59 pm
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And that’s not all: the commune gives married couples two presents: an ounce of silver engraved with a view of Firenze (as seen from Piazzale Michelangelo), and a marriage certificate in papirus paper with Florentine design, to be framed (apart from the legally valid marriage certificates, of course) We had no idea about any of this and were so happily surprised!
April 8, 2011 6:39 am
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This is a great post. I actually REALLY love the “I’m not sure I *loved* my wedding” posts because they are so brave. There’s a lot of hype in the wedding world and you can be made to feel like you’ve failed if you don’t love every moment of you’re “special” day.
I don’t know that I loved my wedding. I definitely loved parts of it (like the ceremony. Ah, the ceremony) and then there were the parts of the wedding that I hated (like when my mother in law got a serious case of empty nest syndrome after the reception and crashed the kids after-party).
What I do know is that as with other hyped events, like prom* or losing my virginity**, I shouldn’t beat myself up if the outcome doesn’t meet the inflated expectation.
*This was lame
**This was awesome
April 7, 2011 5:11 am
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First of all, Engineers RULE :)
Secondly, that picture of you being dipped is stun-ning. Stunning. I can’t stop staring at it.
And lastly, thank you for your honesty and your story. Because being ourselves and being present is probably the most important part of a wedding day.
April 7, 2011 5:13 am
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I’ve been having a lot of thoughts about this lately, and the whole “how will I really feel on that day” idea keeps popping in my head. When talking to my mother recently, she happened to say, “A wedding is just a party…and you may not feel an overwhelming sense of change ON THAT DAY.” She’s prob right…I’m really, really excited for the wedding because (besides the whole, “I’m marrying my best friend thing”) I’m excited to see the party come together, eat food, have my picture taken (YAY MADDIE)…but do I expect to feel an overwhelming amount of said “change”? No. Know why? Because I don’t think I’ll process the whole day until weeks, or months later! I’m the girl that stands and watches parties. Do I think this will change cause it’ll be my wedding? Not so much. And that’s OK with me!
This was a very honest and lovely post, and made me smile! This wedding sounds great, and most importantly, full of a lot, a lot of love from all sides. Also, I am saying YES to that dress!
April 7, 2011 5:46 am
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“I’m the girl that stands and watches parties”
Haha yes, totally! I’m totally the girl who loves other people’s parties, but can never really enjoy my own (too busy trying to make sure that everyone else is having a good time). And that totally carried through to our wedding!
I think that might be one of the smartest things to acknowledge before getting married (what kind of party person are you?)
April 7, 2011 8:13 am
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I think that might be one of the smartest things to acknowledge before getting married (what kind of party person are you?)
YES. I think in some ways I’ve already figured this out, and so I’m prepared for how I *think* I will react. I already *know* I’m an organizer and just because I’ll be wearing a white dress (and have technically appointed a friend to be wedding stage manager) doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel compelled to stack chairs at the end of the night. I think my fiance and friends are more confused about how to handled that aspect of my personality than I am.
April 7, 2011 9:44 am
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“I think my fiance and friends are more confused about how to handled that aspect of my personality than I am.”
I am Exactly-ing this comment x 1000. I think my fiance and sister are thinking the same thing–”What will we do about her desire to control the situation on this day?” KA, I 100% agree with your whole comment!
And Maddie, that is a fantastic wedding question!
April 7, 2011 12:12 pm
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:-D I guess we’re just going to have to go about being the way we *always* are, and be prepared to console our friends and family that we’re not going to magically morph into some kind of bride-thing overnite!
April 7, 2011 2:10 pm
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ooh, I am worried about the clean-up too. I am that person who always helps take down every event until the bitter end (my dad is a minister, so I helped at more church events than I can count). My fiance? Not so much. He does not like it when I overstay my volunteer commitments at events.
I think this is something we’ll have to hash out. I anticipate that we’ll need to schedule an actual exit for the two of us, and other people to do the clean-up, so that I can relax.
April 7, 2011 3:01 pm
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I don’t think we fundamentally change who we are and how we interact with the world, just because we put on a special dress and call ourselves ‘the bride’.
I KNOW I am going to be stacking chairs with my father-in-law and uncles and cousins after our wedding ceremony, because that’s who I am, and I like stacking chairs more than I like collecting trash or tearing down decorations or any of the other tasks that are going to have to happen to clean up after our picnic wedding. As ‘the bride’ I do get to choose which tasks are mine, but it doesn’t absolve me of HAVING tasks, nor should it.
I can happily say that I am a project manager not a control freak, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to be able to just toss everything I know about running large projects into my jewelery box day of in favor of an ‘oh, somebody will do it’ mentality, because it’s not who I am. Somebody has to do it, even if I don’t, and it’s better if to have an idea in advance who somebody is, and it is even better if somebody knows in advance what they need to do. Have someone do the minding/reminding for me, day of? Fantastic idea. Leaving them (and everyone else) in the lurch on the who/what/when on the day of? (Note, not how. We’re all big boys and girls, we can figure out ‘how’ without minute direction. See, not a control freak.) Shame on me as the PM.
April 8, 2011 3:34 pm
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Thanks to Caitlin & APW for this post! Even though I wrote one of those sappy happy wedding grad posts, I still somehow relate to this one in a major way. Three people on the dance floor and everybody else glued to the tables? That happened. Cleaning up after the wedding while the guests disappeared into the night? Yep. Fielding calls from lost family members during the drive from the ceremony site to the reception (the one moment I’d looked forward to having alone together — our “driving off into the sunset” moment)? Yes, and it felt all too much like reality, and not the fuzzy dreamland of other people’s wedding pictures. I’m glad you said what you said because if I’d just seen your gorgeous pictures I would have thought your wedding was a fuzzy dreamland also. You’ve helped me let go of some of my post-wedding regrets, as well. Also? Way to rock the natural hair and no makeup. Gorgeous.
April 7, 2011 5:51 am
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I’m so glad that it helped. Writing this helped me in the same way – by putting it down on paper, acknowledging it, I came to terms with it. So yay for both of us!
April 7, 2011 5:54 am
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“Yes, and it felt all too much like reality, and not the fuzzy dreamland of other people’s wedding pictures.”
I have been mulling thoughts similar to this since my wedding. I think this is a huge issue, given that so many of us look at lots of wedding blogs and pictures prior to our own wedding. APW helps break this down, but it is so easy to look at photographs and think that those pictured are having completely enchanted moments, when in reality, maybe they are seriously annoyed at the bartender, or a family member, or or or or.
I definitely felt moments of total bliss and joy and love on my wedding day, but over the course of the day, I had moments where I was frustrated and worried, and then also feeling like, oh no, I’m in the middle of my reception, I should be thinking happy glowy thoughts and not anxious about the band or the cake, or whatever it happens to be. I think Meg/APW’s mantra of being present is so important, and also harder to execute than it sounds.
April 7, 2011 7:01 am
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Yes, much harder, and ok if you don’t make it. I felt pretty much the opposite of present through a lot of my wedding – I felt very out of it, and overwhelmed, kind of anxious, and unsure what to do with myself at times. I actually felt like it was a pretty fuzzy dreamland, but not in a “this is a day so amazing it is like a dream” way. Not necessarily in a way that was incompatible with joy – I felt that too – but I just wouldn’t use the word “present” to describe my sense of things. Except when my hand was in my husband’s – those were the moments I felt present and could ignore others.
April 7, 2011 8:05 am
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I think the key word there is pictures. Of course the pictures you see make it look all fuzzy and wonderful – you’re always seeing a very limited selection of (often) professional photos designed to make the day look amazing.
Example: we got married in a community hall with ugly concrete block walls. Our photographer managed to blow out the tight shots so it looks like a creamy white background – infinitely prettier in the photo than in reality. Extrapolate that out for the emotional shots. I have one of us both looking nervous and upset walking in to the reception (we were emotionally exhausted and debating bailing on the reception to walk home for a nap) and it’s an honest picture, but it’s hardly one I would put up on a website.
April 7, 2011 8:05 am
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“it is so easy to look at photographs and think that those pictured are having completely enchanted moments, when in reality, maybe they are seriously annoyed at the bartender, or a family member, or or or or.”
I kind of love that about pictures. That the annoying reality gets erased as your memory fades, and the lovely dreamland the pictures remind you of remains. At least that’s been my experience of high school, prom, and trips that have gone less than perfectly, but begot dreamy pictures.
I think someone (Meg?) suggested writing down your real, clear memories before the pictures arrived so that that side of the story is preserved. Which is a wonderful concept, but part of me likes the selective protection changing/fading memories…
April 7, 2011 9:50 am
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“Yes, and it felt all too much like reality, and not the fuzzy dreamland of other people’s wedding pictures.”
I talked about this before I showed my wedding pictures, I remember. I had a disclaimer where I said, “the wedding felt like really gritty reality, the pictures look like a dream. Understand that they are very different things.”
I had a pretty profound wedding day experience, but it was also really EXTRA real life. And nothing I’d ever want to do again. So it’s hard, I think, like Sandy says, to convey all of that complexity in one set of words. Though we did drive off into the sunset, so there is that (ladies still planning, figure out who else can be in charge of clean up, that’s my advice!!)
April 7, 2011 8:00 am
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Yes, yes, and YES to getting somebody else to clean up. I somehow figured that part would take care of itself naturally. I had some idealized vision of friends and family helping out and shooing us away, but I never did anything concrete to communicate this or make this happen. It was just what I had experienced at my friend’s weddings I had been in, so I thought it would happen at mine. But it didn’t happen and some things had to get done, so we did it…a bit of reality I could have done without. :)
April 7, 2011 8:58 am
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Ack, yes. Michael and I spent the day after our wedding vacuuming the beach house where we stayed and threw our after party.
There is nothing sexy or romantic about hauling solo cups to the dumpster the day after you say “I do”.
Recruit minions. And then spend your time as newlyweds taking a nap. Or getting laid.
April 7, 2011 9:09 am
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Yes. So true! We had a quiet day the day after, but the next day after that, we had to go back and do the rest of the clean up/strike/etc. So not what I wanted to be doing during our “mini-moon” in town. Which is why I would also add that physically leaving town might also have been a good choice. Or at least telling people we would be away?
April 7, 2011 9:14 am
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yessss. I sometimes think of this and want to kick myself for not mentioning in my grad post (but, as you’ve said before, totally impossible to say Everything in one post). Didn’t even cross my mind during planning that there would be clean-up required that the caterers couldn’t handle. And it’s true the caterers could have done, but caterers handling it = things getting thrown away. Who’s getting the gifts/leftover booze/anything else you might want to save, back to the hotel? What in the name of heaven do you want done with whatever you have as centerpieces? etc. of course everyone looks at the bride with these questions, and with all the guests leaving/gone, what do you do but pick up a box of stuff and start hauling it out the car?
I didn’t even mind hauling stuff, I was just baffled, “whyyyyy didn’t I think of this?” definitely a bit anti-climactic.
April 7, 2011 12:55 pm
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Caitlin, your account is so well-written and thoughtful! I know that it will be treasured by many, many brides and brides-to-be. Your wedding was lovely (ah, the cakes) but it’s the marriage that really makes it all worthwhile. And you’re on your way to making your marriage with Jeff memorable.
April 7, 2011 6:02 am
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Oh man. As one of the other already-unexpectedly-married-and-planning-the-wedding people around here I loved this post. Why? Because part of me worries that since we already “got married” if the wedding itself isn’t fun enough it will seem like a big waste, “Why did we bother? We were already married.” And then I’ll feel lame and sad. I worry about that but then — this.
You say your wedding wasn’t earth-shattering or tear-inducing and you’ve not convinced yourself that that’s okay? But Caitlin, you just convinced me that it IS okay. It is. I will remind you of this and you can remind me of this (via re-reads of your post). Capisce?
Other things to note: “They were impressed by how smoothly everything ran (see also: engineers getting married)” this one got a full chortle. Citation-style engineering jokes, they kill me everytime.
Obviously you don’t wear make up because you are beautiful without it and don’t need any, so why would you waste your time?
And I love your tree-round cake stands. Cute!
April 7, 2011 6:06 am
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I definitely have my “why do we bother?” moments. I keep telling myself that the wedding is celebrate getting married. And, you know, usually to get married as well… but the fact that we will have been married for 17 months at our wedding is besides the point. A minor detail. There’s no expiration date on inviting people to celebrate with you. Especially when food (if you want) and cake (if you want) and dancing (if you want) are involved!
April 7, 2011 7:34 am
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“There’s no expiration date on inviting people to celebrate with you.” I hope this is part of your forth coming half-grad post, because it’s a great line.
April 7, 2011 8:34 am
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Nope, that line was just for you :)
April 7, 2011 9:36 am
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pssst, if you ever wanna chat about city hall elopement for legal reasons vs. wedding we had already planned (we did ours a year apart and for similar reason) just holler at a girl!
For me, they ended up being totally different occasions. Kind of like having your “family birthday party” and then your “friends birthday party” when you were a kid. (Am I the only one who did this?)
April 7, 2011 8:23 am
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Come to the farm already! Jeeze Louise, we have lots to chat about!
Don’t forget to bring Juno. And Michael. And your appetites.
April 7, 2011 8:31 am
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As yet another person who did this: it was worth it, at least to me, and it wasn’t about the fun. It was about putting our relationship out there and asking our community of family and friends to support us, and being totally blown away by feeling that support. I mean, we had a ton of fun, and I hope you do too. But it wasn’t just a party (which is kind of what we expected). The day we actually got married was magical in one way–that was the day that my relationship with my husband changed. But the day we invited our community to be a part of our marriage was magical in an entirely different way. While I still sometimes regret not being able to combine them, I also think that I literally couldn’t have handled feeling all the magic at once.
April 7, 2011 9:26 am
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I love reading comments like this because that’s EXACTLY why we’re still planning a wedding. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
April 7, 2011 9:41 am
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Is it weird that I’m still trying to duck a wedding because I’m afraid that the result won’t be magical?
April 9, 2011 10:10 pm
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These types of wedding posts are among my favorite. I enjoyed my wedding more than I anticipated (I generally set me expectations to ‘low’ in the hopes of being pleasantly surprised…), but as someone who struggles with perfection, I love reading about the beauty that derives from imperfect moments. And I love your dress!!
April 7, 2011 6:17 am
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Wow. First, thank YOU for writing this. I am planning a wedding now and am feeling all the pressure for it to be perfect. Perfect colors, with perfect timing, and perfect flow from ceremony (that is somehow going to incorporate 2 cultures) to reception, perfect cake, etc. I’ve been so consumed of what everyone else considers perfect. All so I don’t have those regrets because I thought every bride LOVES EVERYTHING about their day. Thank you for being honest. My wedding doesn’t have to live up to the hype that WIC creates. THANK YOU.
p.s. you still looked like you had a blast!
April 7, 2011 6:22 am
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LOVE YOUR EARRINGS!!
OK now I can talk about the serious stuff. I do sometimes wonder how I will do on the big day, after so much buildup and so much hard work – will I be able to just bask in the glow of being married? Thinking about it, thats not so much a part of my personality, to just let go, and enjoy the moment for itself. Something for me to keep thinking about.
I would say though that my parents(both engineers) and their siblings (mostly engineers) and all of their engineering friends, tend to be some of the biggest dance floor hogs I know. So you can never tell with those crafty engineer folk.
April 7, 2011 6:24 am
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This engineer and her engineering friends also definitely love the dance floor :)
April 7, 2011 6:58 am
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And yet all my engineer folk barely dance at all – some point blank refuse. You never can tell which way people will swing. Or not swing. (I didn’t mean for that pun to happen but couldn’t stop it. Sorry.)
April 7, 2011 7:47 am
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Thanks for the brave and honest post, Caitlin. I just tagged this as one to re-read close to my wedding this June, for a little bit of grounding and a lot of wisdom. My best to you and to your new baby family!
April 7, 2011 6:39 am
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This was me! Thank you! There were some good moments and some bad moments and it wasn’t what I wanted – but hey some of the pictures are gorgeous and in retrospect it seems like everyone else loved it and had a great time.
April 7, 2011 6:43 am
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(see also: engineers getting married)
HAhahahaha! Brilliant writing, 10 points!
April 7, 2011 6:53 am
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I found myself completely freaked out (because I’m scared of feeling the way Caitlin feels about her wedding), and then I busted out laughing at “(see also: engineers getting married)”. Because it’s So True!
My family is all engineers and my fiance is an engineer. Everything is going to run like a Swiss watch.
April 7, 2011 9:21 am
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Thank you for being able to say this.
Because I still can’t say it out loud about my own wedding, even though I feel it.
I dont want to because I dont want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I’m even hoping my husband doesnt see this comment, because I just can’t say out loud to him that, yes, I was slightly disappointed.
so thank you for helping me feel better about feeling not-so-good about my own wedding. (I feel great about my marriage, though, just for the record)
seriously, this post his helping me. right now. thanks.
April 7, 2011 6:56 am
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Actually, telling Jeff that I felt this way was the best thing I could have done. He looked at me like I was crazy and told me that it’s just a wedding. Fun, yes, but the marriage is the more important part. So tell him – I have a feeling that he has a more grounded feeling about the whole thing.
April 7, 2011 7:19 am
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You got married! Congratulations. As far as I’m concerned (and I know you totally care about what I think, of course ;) ), your wedding was therefore a smashing success.
I like that you’re so honest about what you felt. You felt what you felt. You shouldn’t have to apologize or anything about that.
Am I the only one who thinks parent’s friends are wildly underrated in the wedding planning world? I freaking loved having a TON of my parent’s friends at the wedding. They have known me since I was knee high and they were just so giddy and happy–just lovely guests.
April 7, 2011 6:58 am
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No, you’re not the only one. Parents’ friends who come to weddings mostly seem to just love weddings — that’s why they came, instead of politely declining. People who love weddings at your wedding? So festive :)
April 7, 2011 7:27 am
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“Parents’ friends who come to weddings mostly seem to just love weddings.”
Excellent insight. After I whined about all the “random” guests on my list for weeks – mother’s former housekeeper who practically invited herself, husband’s father’s college roommate who had been long-lost for years – I had quite the come-uppance at the wedding. These folks *loved* the wedding and were super supportive, festive guests. What should have been obvious to me only struck me at the reception: random folks who show up (and invite themselves!) do so because they really want to show up!
Another reason not to stress out when the wedding does not seemingly meet indie-blog standards for small, intimate, precious, etc…. :)
April 7, 2011 9:39 am
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As a mom, thanks for the support! We, too, have friends we want to talk about your wedding with both before and after and it’s easier if they’ve been invited! As well, while you About to Be Marrieds might not have a current connection with our friends, they sure know a lot about you and many have been and still are interested in your lives past and future. Also: older guests often have deeper pockets and most of them come out of dancing as a way of partying! Just saying!
April 7, 2011 11:25 am
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No, agreed. We fought some of our parents friends (and we did limit them, because we refused to cut our guest list for theirs, fair enough). but the ones that came were wonderful, and it was great to see my parents so happy, having important people to share their joy with.
April 7, 2011 8:02 am
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Thank you so much for your post. My fiance is coming from another country and while I’ve been trying to be upbeat about this magical day, I’m just done with it. I know i’d be hauling boxes to the car, we’d have to smoosh our wedding in between two out-of-town family weddings and we just don’t have money for sparklers (immigration took it all). I felt really bad for just wanting to be married without the “getting married” part. I appreciate your honesty – it helps to know I’m not alone in wondering if a princess-day is all it’s cracked up to be. I’m trying hard not to become mired in agnst over my lack of wedding bliss. I’d rather have wedded bliss.
April 7, 2011 7:04 am
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I just wanted to say I can relate to the other country aspect, hauling boxes, and immigration (though we are doing this part now, long after the wedding). And following my husband’s sister’s wedding by only 5 weeks. Hang in there…. When is your wedding?
April 7, 2011 9:11 am
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Well, anything you may have hoped to happen on your wedding day didn’t happen, but in other people’s perspective your wedding looks awesome with those details from your super red nail polish which coincided with your unique bouquet up to the origami name cards which are so cute and original! And oh, did I mention you have someone who made you less busy in the person of your very good groom? :D
April 7, 2011 7:04 am
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Thank you for writing this. I didn’t love my wedding either. And unlike you I also didn’t really like the weeks leading up to it or the weeks following. It has taken me almost a year to accept that I didn’t love it or even like parts of it.
For many months after the wedding I was very unhappy due to the regret. It should have been everything. My dear friend (that got married two weeks before me) and I were just speaking about this same thing last night. Neither of us really liked our dress, the wedding wasn’t great, the party was okay and we are finally OK with that because we have loved our marriages.
Thanks for the honesty. I think we should do more of these posts. Because it sounds like many of us can relate.
April 7, 2011 7:07 am
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You know what I think is awesome? The time you seemed to cherish in the days leading up to the wedding. I’m really close to my family, and that kind of time just getting ready for the wedding and hanging out and enjoying everyone’s company sounds wonderful to me.
April 7, 2011 7:10 am
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this is a good post. i’ve often wondered/worried about my wedding not living up to all the wedding hype or people not having enough fun or love it as much as they loved someone else’s wedding. and then i remember that that really doesn’t matter. who cares what everyone else thinks!
your wedding is just a day, but at the end of it, you are married and that is (hopefully) for life!
April 7, 2011 7:11 am
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I just took a great big sigh of relief…I LOVE when people are so honest about how they actually felt about their wedding day and not feel the need to give in to the notion that it was absolutely perfect…if it just wasn’t.
Thank you Caitlin:)
P.S. I just adore your red shoes! I’m going to be a purple heel girl;)
April 7, 2011 7:22 am
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Caitlin,
Thanks so much for this. It’s so important to hear and remember that, at the end of the day, it’s a legal proceeding followed (if you want) by food and time with loved ones, and it doesn’t have to be more than that. I remember a good friend who’d been thinking about her wedding since she was about five years old. When the day finally arrived, she tried so hard to look and be The Blissed-Out Bride (think ethereal glowy makeup which she never wears in real life, surreally still posture and fixed smile all through the ceremony, awkwardly formal receiving line) that she came across as totally unlike herself. She loosened up a bit during the reception, but it was clear that the expectations she’d set up for herself were killing any actual joy she felt or any glimmers of her real, non-bride personality. She was my first good friend to get married, and it was strange and sad and made me not like weddings for a while.
Your pictures are real, beautiful, a mixed bag, and still mostly joyful. Trying to be anything else on your wedding day is just setting yourself up for disappointment, but it seems to me that, in staying absolutely yourself, you nailed it, even if it wasn’t what the WIC or even the blogosphere led you to expect! No guilt needed. May we all be so honest, on the day and after.
Also, engineers are my favorite people, even (especially?) when they’re awkward about dancing :)
April 7, 2011 7:34 am
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Thanks for this post Caitlin!
I also really loved the part about the days before the wedding and those sweet moments you had with your parents. Even though I’m totally not into the “father giving you away” stuff, I stayed at my parents house for the last few nights before the wedding while my fiance stayed at our place/with his parents in their hotel. Those nights with my parents were so bittersweet. Even though I haven’t lived with them since I was 17, it was such a great chance to spend time with just them, and bask in the last days with them as their “little girl” ( I fully FULLY appreciate how cheesy that sounds, but I don’t have a better way to put it.) I practiced putting on makeup with my mom, collected chicken eggs with my dad, and leisurely put together our simple table arrangements with my brother. It felt like honoring my bith family before transitioning to my new baby family, if that makes sense. Sorry for the ramble, but I really appreciate your post to bringing me back to those sweet moments.
As for not being sure you loved you wedding, it’s funny, because I was prepared for a post where all kinds of things went wrong, but it sounds like, in a lot of ways, you really did love your wedding! The awesome middle aged dancing, your non made-up radiance, your kick ass husband, the yum food and THE DRESS!!!!!!! (drool, sigh).Even if it wasn’t an emotional rollercoaster, but it sounds like you’re pretty gounded and laid back in the rest of your life, why should your wedding be any different? Funny how things work out like that….
April 7, 2011 7:42 am
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You had me at the first picture. I love me a fellow short-haired bride.
Seriously, I focused mostly on looking like yourself in this post. Not shellacking on makeup if that’s not what you wear. Letting your hair air dry in the car. Recognizing your partner.
April 7, 2011 7:45 am
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This is awesome and personally I think it’s very APW. Congrats on your marriage!
April 7, 2011 7:58 am
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Indeed! Eff perfection!!
April 7, 2011 8:03 am
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Life on earth isn’t perfect. For weddings to be perfect, they’d have to take place in some other dimension that isn’t earth. ;)
April 7, 2011 4:28 pm
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I absolutely adore everything you had to say (and your dress and flowers–to-die for!).
Thank you for saying exactly what needed to be said. Sometimes we can all get into the “but my wedding wasn’t like their amazing wedding and maybe it should have been”. I’m juggling those feelings in the wedding planning stage (getting married in July, in a lace dress!). I just appreciate your honesty and openness, and reassurance that everything will be fine even if you aren’t head over heels in love with your wedding after the fact.
Still, though, I think your wedding sounds awesome.
April 7, 2011 8:20 am
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Before I got married, I would have felt profound relief reading this post. I fully expected getting married to feel like this for me – kind of like graduation from school, with lots of prep and hype but then when it actually happens, it’s fun and awesome but not an over the top, milestone, emotional experience.
It turns out that my wedding punched me in the gut with its emotional impact, (funny how that works) but the bottom line is that whether you feel what you expected to feel, it’s important to be at peace with those feelings.
It sounds/looks like you had a great day, and you are honest with yourself. You have the important stuff totally handled. It’s not just okay, it’s critical and totally awesome!
April 7, 2011 8:29 am
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congratulations on your marriage. and congratulations for having the guts to say that your wedding wasn’t a earth shattering amazing event for you. i think more people have these feelings than we know and its just a matter of feeling guilty about being honest.
your words are bound to be helpful to many other brides to be and past brides out there who struggled with similar issues. and maybe also to some randoms who will be motivated to say congratulations when they see a bride walk into their chocolate shop!
April 7, 2011 9:01 am
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Thank you so much for writing this. I have been reading APW for a while now but have never really commented because this is sort of how I felt about our wedding. Maybe it’s just an engineer thing, (yes, ours also went off without a hitch, carefully directed by several spreadsheets and timelines :-) ) but I also had that “is this it?” feeling. I loved having everyone there for the day, but in the end, it was just a day. I still dream about getting ready for the wedding actually, almost a year later, because I think, in some part of my mind, it’s as if it hasn’t happened yet. I was expecting some huge transformation, but in the end I was pleased with a nice ceremony, a pretty party, and final being married to my guy. Thanks again for making me feel like I’m less weird than I thought :-)
April 7, 2011 9:07 am
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Oh yeah, we totally had lots of spreadsheets, shared through Google Docs. Not only did it help with the wedding, it made writing thank yous for gifts a million times easier!
April 7, 2011 11:19 am
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Ack! Are we twins? I can’t exactly this enough!
April 7, 2011 5:09 pm
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I’ve been a longtime reader of APW (and continue to read as a wedding graduate!) and this is the first time I knew it was time to comment. This blog has resonated with me countless times, but what you said is precisely what I’ve been ruminating on long after my own wedding.!
I did not love my wedding either; mostly, I wasn’t prepared for the big emotional ups and downs of the wedding day. I felt sadness, loneliness, and grief on my wedding day in addition to feeling supremely ecstatic about getting to marry the awesomest dude on the planet. No one ever tells you these things on the wedding blogs or in magazines – as Meg said, just the fretting over the details, little tiny things not working out, etc.. You’re led to think that no one else feels anything but really, really happy on their wedding day.
It’s only after you get married do other people reveal that they, too, had a lot of disappointment on their big day – parents not showing up, parents banning all 9 of your siblings from coming to your wedding (my mother’s wedding), people getting into fights, the bride getting left at hair salon – totally alone, car-less, and feeling forgotten, mother-in-laws having total and complete meltdowns to the point of seeming like they are trying to sabotage the wedding (my wedding).
Which is to say that even though it’s your wedding day, it’s still a day like any other – you will have ups and downs during your day, BUT it will be more stressful because you are spending more money that day than you normally do and you have all of these built-up hopes and EXPECTATIONS about what your day is SUPPOSED to be like. I did not wake up today thinking “TODAY MUST BE PERFECT!” and yet, we’re told that is how we are to think on our wedding day. And I’ll admit that I’m totally guilty of thinking that way on my wedding day.
That kind of thinking is just crazy making.
I have had so many days with my husband that far surpass what I felt on our wedding day, and I’ve also had days that where I felt more sadness. It’s a natural part of life.
What I’ve come to realize is this: the ups and downs that we feel on our wedding are much like the joys and sorrows we will experience throughout our marriages. It’s just a small reflection of the bigger and more important picture – the commitment to be there for one another in good times and bad.
April 7, 2011 9:10 am
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I like this post because it made me stop and think about our wedding again, and the day of, etc. I loved my wedding, the ceremony was emotional and beautiful, the reception was fun… but this post just made me think about to some of the little things that happened that were more “real” than the whole “dream world” of the wedding day.
I mean, I completely forgot that the girl who was supposed to do my hair completely no-showed and my maid of honor/little sister ended up doing it, that I totally stopped at an ATM in my wedding dress on our way to the venue, PUMPED GAS in my car in my wedding dress (while my bridesmaids in another car took pictures of me giving them the finger, haha), I had a burst blood vessel in my right eye, and we didn’t have a massive amount of people dancing like I thought we would (except for slow songs, apparently, and my 10 year old niece going nuts to the one Justin Bieber song we played for her.)
It’s funny because there are so many “real life” kinds of things that happened that day that I haven’t taken the time to look back on and this post totally did that for me. I’m happy that I can laugh at everything, both the good, the bad and the ugly of that day.
I love that you’re making it okay to say, “you know, my day wasn’t perfect and I’m not sure I LOVED it.” This is a pretty awesome APW post, honestly, so thanks for sharing it. :)
April 7, 2011 9:11 am
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“I totally stopped at an ATM in my wedding dress on our way to the venue, PUMPED GAS in my car in my wedding dress”
Why isn’t this photo on APW?! I love this!
April 7, 2011 12:19 pm
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Thank you so much sharing this. This perspective really needs to be out there.
I also find it a bit hard sometimes to read the grad posts because they bring up these feelings like I did something wrong at my own wedding (completely my own baggage obviously). Sure there was joy at seeing everyone and seeing the wedding come together, but mostly I was nervous, a bit queasy, and self-conscious. No zen, no boundless joy, no gut-wrenching emotions of any kind. Like you, I had so much more fun in the lead-up to the wedding and those are the memories I really cherish.
This here is the sentence I had to read a few times to let it sink in: “You got married, surrounded by friends and family, and that’s pretty darned kick ass.”
It really is. That’s all I really wanted. It’s time to let the guilt go over what I did or didn’t feel.
April 7, 2011 9:17 am
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Caitlin, I loved your (lack of) make-up. I actually had a somewhat odd reaction to seeing your pictures – I felt like I recognized you from somewhere. I think that was just because you look like a real person in your pictures–a beautiful real person, but a person who I could see on the street or in the library, not someone who looks like they’ve stepped out of a magazine. I think that years from now, you will treasure having these pictures that show what you actually looked like at this point in your life.
April 7, 2011 9:20 am
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Great post, Caitlin. Boo to those chocolate shop people for not mentioning the wedding dress! One of my favorite wedding memories actually happened after the wedding.. Our hotel was sold-out, other than our room, to people going to a 3-day Phish festival nearby. We walked into the hotel lobby, which was full of people drinking and partying post-concert, and got a standing ovation and beers passed over. I wish we had a picture of us, in our wedding fancy, surrounded by tie-dye.
April 7, 2011 9:23 am
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Great post, I think it’s really brave to come out and say that, and to tell your husband. I sometimes worry about feeling like this and I’m not even married yet.
My bridesmaid got married two years ago. when we were in a bridal shop looking for dresses the woman asked her if she wished she could do it all again. She replied ‘No way’ and the woman looked really shocked and said it was the first time anyone had said that! She said she enjoyed the ceremony, the reception was ok but hated the planning. Funny thing is it didn’t surprise me at all to hear it from her. She just wasn’t that into the day itself, but she’s happily married and that’s what counts.
Also, my grandparents have been married for 60 years in October and I know absolutely nothing about their wedding day. Don’t know where they were married, haven’t ever seen a photo or heard a single story about it. And I am close to my grandparents. When you have a long, happy and fulfilling marriage and life together I guess it’s just not that big a deal!
April 7, 2011 9:26 am
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I think this is where photo editing really does some harm when it comes to wedding planning…not specifically for Caitlin, but maybe in general when it comes to what we feel a wedding day is going to feel like. There are so many lovely wedding photos out there….and the wedding day doesn’t actually feel like that. I mean, there are some *gorg* muted quiet-looking photos of my husband and I in a hall right after we got married, but it didn’t feel like that, it felt like static noise everywhere and buzzing and holycrapwe’remarried. But in the picture, it’s serene and glowy and *gah!*.
My wedding day felt like a real live gritty (I think Meg used that word in a comment further up — it’s a good word for it) day. We waited in line at Panera that morning. We helped clean up boxes after getting people to throw things at us as we “fled” the venue (we looped around the building and snuck back in to help clean up…). I chatted with people, and felt awkward sometimes, and felt weird knowing my big happy smile looks goofy the same way I *always* feel goofy smiling real big, because ultimately…it was a day. And my feeling of self was the same as it is any other day, and the way I experience any day didn’t really change or morph into some glowy version of an experience.
I think it’s really, really awesome to have this totally honest post, because I think a lot of us deal to a certain extent with reconciling the expectations with….the actual real day we experience.
April 7, 2011 9:27 am
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Side note: I lurve your hair cut.
April 7, 2011 9:47 am
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It seems like a lot of the commenters here are wedding grads who have had similar experiences to Caitlin. As an undergrad (2.5 weeks out), I want to give a big thanks to Caitlin and others for helping me to come at my wedding with realistic expectations. Without realizing it, I had bought into the WIC pressure to have the most magical day of my life and love every moment of my perfect wedding. Reading these accounts is teaching me to expect things to go wrong, to be ready for less-than-blissful moments, and to know that I can’t predict how I’ll feel that day – and that whatever I feel, it’s completely okay. So, on behalf of us baby brides who can always use a healthy dose of sanity – thank you.
April 7, 2011 9:52 am
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Red nails + red shoes = <3
Thank you for this. I swear this is like the only place on earth where people are brave enough to honestly tell this side of the story. Thank god. There needs to be more people like you, so that the yet-to-be-marrieds like me have half a hope of staying expectation-free and guilt-free and being OK with our wedding being whatever it ends up being!
It sounds like you have some wonderful memories surrounding your wedding, even if they aren't all from the day of (seriously, wtf was up with that chocolate shop lady!)! To me, it seemed so quietly wonderful, which may not be the dramatic, earth-shattering event most of us are conditioned to expect, but does sound totally awesome, and totally you.
April 7, 2011 9:58 am
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This is a great addition to the Grad Post arsenal. I could have totally used this in my five month long post-wedding panic. (No panic before, just after, weird.) Like Nina above, I can’t bring myself to read wedding grads very often because I feel like I did something wrong at my wedding. I’m supposed to own it, and be present, and all that. But I totally failed at that. It’s taken me months to be ok with that. My wedding pics no longer bring up feelings of panic and regret. Now I kinda just feel relaxed about it. It’s all good. So thanks for this wedding grad post. i really think this message needs to be here.
April 7, 2011 10:08 am
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“And now, we joke about the little things… It’s those little things that I hold onto, because they are the funny, quirky things that made the wedding ours.”
I love that! Isn’t that wedding zen? When our Rabbi showed up late, when my mom kind of wobbled down the aisle, when my brother and his gf at the time danced raunchily that’s what makes our wedding ours.*
April 7, 2011 10:14 am
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Add me to the list of people cheering you on, Caitlin, for going (almost) no makeup for your wedding! This is something I am freaking out about, just a little; I haven’t worn makeup in at least a decade (and haven’t worn it regularly in probably 20 years), and the thought of doing so for the wedding ties my stomach into knots. My fiance has never seen me in makeup and is afraid he won’t recognize me; I’m worried about everything from not feeling comfortable kissing him to the day turning into a slew of “Check it out — Karen’s wearing makeup!” remarks. Lately I’ve also started to worry about the pictures, though on my stronger days I say to my friends, “I get pictures taken of myself all the time; are you saying I look like a hag in all of them?” On my weaker days I look in the mirror and see age and exhaustion and wrinkles and think that maybe I should look into this whole makeup thing…
Anyway, I realize that that wasn’t the point of your post, so I also want to say that I’m glad you posted the rest of it. It’s so brave to admit this, and also to find a way to come to terms with it — it sounds like writing the post did you a lot of good, and it certainly helped me (and a lot of others) to read it. I’m six months (not quite) away from the wedding day, and I’m going to try to relax my expectations a bit…I’d rather be pleasantly surprised by how it turns out than overly disappointed.
Thanks again.
April 7, 2011 10:26 am
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Yay you! I love these posts, mainly because it makes it real that we don’t all love our weddings. I hated mine, but still had fun. True story.
I {heart} realness. So thank you.
P.S. Totally relate with the reading of other graduate posts.
April 7, 2011 10:30 am
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Caitlin, Thank you. I went through a similar feeling of emotional nothingness the day of the wedding. My friends all called it wedding zen so I went with it, but that didn’t mean that it didn’t bother me. Knowing I’m not alone helps.
I was really bummed when no one danced (didn’t consider the engineer problem ahead of time) and had to slosh through the remainder of the melting snow to the car after staying for most of clean up. I, too, wondered where my grandball and shimmering exit were. This post was amazingly honest and I think more people have these feelings at some point but don’t have the strength to talk about it.
April 7, 2011 10:30 am
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This is a lovely post & everyone else has covered why, so I’m just going to ask about the place cards. Are some of those tiny origami dinosaurs??
April 7, 2011 10:44 am
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Haha – yes, there was a different shape (made with a different patterned origami paper) for each table – that’s how they knew which table to go to. Turtles, different kinds of flowers, etc. I vetoed hearts (barf), so we had apple ones for the head table.
April 7, 2011 11:24 am
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Tiny origami dinosaurs for the win. That’s super crazy adorable.
April 7, 2011 12:32 pm
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I love your post, your honesty, and your amazingly cool wedding. I have to know, where did you get your bouquet? It is the most amazing origami bouquet I have seen.
April 10, 2011 9:50 am
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From LLilliard Designs on Etsy. She was quick, responsive, and gave me tips on color choices to go with the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Super cheap too, so win! (also, major win! for having them a whole 5 months before the wedding – a huge stress relief!)
April 17, 2011 5:48 pm
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