It's been awhile since we've had a post on not loving your wedding, and it seemed like high time. Sometimes I get asked if Wedding Graduates are screened for having a positive message, and the answer is 'no,' or at least, 'not exactly.' When I was wedding planning, I found that mainstream wedding planning sites trafficked in a lot of panic (and fear of regret). There were a lot of brides talking about all the things that had gone wrong, and all the ways they wished they'd spent money to save themselves from imperfection. And in my more sensitive planning moments, that made me feel a little bit like vomiting everywhere. Because what I wanted to know is that the wedding wasn't the end all, be all, and if and when things did go wrong, I'd still be just fine. And today's grad, Caitlin, talks about how she just flat out didn't adore her wedding. But that in the end, there were still a ton of wonderful things that came out of it, from learning to trust her partner\'s massive planning abilities in a new way, to tiny origami animals, to well, her marriage. And that makes me feel happy, not pukey. And also Caitlin, we're all going to collectively release you from your guilt for not loving your wedding. Because we think your wedding was rad, and your marriage is better (pew, pew, pew). (And... can we talk about her dress? Sorry. I never say that. But whoa.) And with that I bring you Caitlin.
The only way I can see starting this is with the truth: I have a lot of difficulty seeing and reading wedding graduate posts here at APW. I know that photos can be misleading, that people all want different things for their weddings, etc. I know we’re supposed to own our weddings, make them as “us” as possible (editors note: I don't know about that! Just get married!), and not get too caught up in the WIC or wedding blog stereotypes. But really? My wedding day was fun, but not overwhelmingly exciting, touching or anything like that. Yes, my mom nearly started crying before Jeff's dad walked her and Jeff's mom down the aisle. She also cried during the entire ceremony. But she cries during movies all the time. Yes, I was so full of nerves about forgetting the two lines that brides have to remember during a Catholic wedding ceremony that I could barely eat the entire day. But I also remember thinking, "Eh, really? This is it?"
I was expecting wedding zen. I was expecting overwhelming calm or joy or happiness or some other strong emotion. And that didn’t happen. We got married, didn’t smoosh noses during our kiss (yes, that was a fear of mine), walked down the aisle and thanked everyone for coming. I bustled my dress, we hopped into the car (my parents’ car, with our photographer in the back seat) and made our way to the reception.
During the reception, I kept thinking about how none of our friends were big into dancing (c'mon, we're all engineers...) and worried it would look like no one had any fun at our wedding because there wouldn't be pictures of everybody breaking it down on the dance floor. We did have my relatives and my parents' friends, who have all seemingly taken ballroom dancing lessons sometime in the last five years. Which meant that they showed us all up by dancing the whole time. Ballroom dancing. Swing dancing. Generalized middle-aged boogying down occurred, let me tell you.
Instead of the crazy dance party on the part of our friends, there was a lot of milling about, a lot of compliments on the food (brisket and pulled pork and homemade cake = YES), and that was about it. We were surrounded by our parents' friends more than by our own (which was bound to happen since both sets of parents contributed significantly to the wedding costs). I did manage to scoot out for a few minutes to the nearby chocolate shop and pick up some chocolate with my closest friends, just for fun, but was a bit irritated that the person who helped me was in no way acknowledging that I was in my wedding dress. Seriously. If somebody walks into a shop in their wedding dress, at least say something about it. Wish them well.
And at the end, I was the one to help carry things down to the car, in my wedding dress, wearing the shawl my mom crocheted for me, avoiding the slushy snow and thinking - where's my fancy exit? Where's the frigging tunnel of sparklers for our giddy run to the car? Why am I carrying out baskets, trying to avoid my incredibly overly drunk friend (It's a problem and makes me super, super uncomfortable watching it happen) instead of happily driving off into the sunset with Jeff? Because damnit, that's what it should have been like, right?
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I didn't LOVE my wedding. I didn't feel present during it. I didn't have so much fun at the reception that the time flew by and it was over before I knew it.
Oddly enough, I do remember the better parts of the week leading up to the wedding - baking all the cakes for the wedding with my mom, who taught me how to bake when I was just big enough to handle stirring things with a spoon. She is why I know how to knead bread dough. I remember playing Bridge with my parents and Jeff while drinking copious amounts of wine. Drinking even more copious amounts of wine as family started coming in for the days before the wedding. Hiding from the shrieking that occurs when my mom’s family gets together with said copious amounts of wine. Going on a run with my dad, because we've been running together since I was 7 years old. He was my running partner for my first 5K, my track coach through most of grade school, and generally the best cheerleader anyone could have during high school cross country meets.
Having Jeff there every single time I turned around, asking if he could help was priceless, this I remember. And oh boy, could he – those origami name cards? He made them. The centerpieces? My idea, his execution. The swing dance for our first dance? All his idea. Fixing the ordering screw-up so that we had beer from the correct Wisconsin microbrewery even though they ordered the wrong one and it was two days before the wedding? Thank god for fiances. Every little last bit of reception setup even though he had just come down with a cold? Yep, you got it. I was probably the least busy person that entire week thanks to him.
And finally - sitting around in the "cry room" of the church right before the ceremony, eating a bagel and just chatting with my mom, mother in law, and bridesmaids. Realizing that sh*t - this thing is starting in 10 minutes and I forgot to put on any makeup. And then remembering that I hate makeup so lip gloss was all they were gonna get out of me. Actually, Jeff and I had this conversation before the wedding - we agreed that we wanted to recognize each other when we got married. So no crazy hairdos, no heavy makeup to make pictures look better, nothing like that. My hair? It air-dried on the drive to the church that morning. Makeup was lip gloss and mascara, borrowed from his sister, one of my bridesmaids. And Jeff screwed up when shaving his facial hair earlier in the week and cut it super short. No biggie - it's just hair, it'll grow back. I think he was more upset about it than I was!
These thoughts are what have been bouncing around in my head for the past few months, and I feel guilty about feeling this way. So I guess I just wanted to get it on paper, out there, for others to see. My wedding was not earth-shattering. It wasn't tear-inducing (for me). And I'm still trying to convince myself that that's okay.
And it’s okay because I say so. While I may not think that automatically, I can tell myself that it really was okay. Because everyone who came loved the wedding. They were impressed by how smoothly everything ran (see also: engineers getting married), and they loved the food. The week running up to the wedding was smooth, fun and relaxed. And now, we joke about the little things. Like how my dad’s toast made me almost cry, how the best man gave his toast while trying to keep his pants from falling down, how the father-daughter dance was to the right song, but the wrong version (completely incorrect for waltzing to), and how the DJ kept missing Jeff’s signals to just stop the damn song during the mother-son dance because they didn’t want to dance anymore. It’s those little things that I hold onto, because they are the funny, quirky things that made the wedding ours.
From reading APW for so long, I've see that sometimes for those with the huge dance fests, there's this feeling of exhaustion and let-down when it's all over. And sometimes for those with the milling about and chatting, there's the feeling that it wasn't quite as big as we thought it should be. But it's not the end of the world, because I'm sure that if you just relax, things will work out. You got married, surrounded by friends and family, and that's pretty darned kick ass. It was you, and your partner, and the people that matter, and there will be those funny and quirky little memories that make the wedding yours. And anytime you think differently, talk to your friends. If they’re your real friends, they’ll slap some sense into your wedding-addled brain quicker than you’d ever thought possible.
Photos By: Helene Dujardin
Don’t feel guilty for one second for not loving your wedding! Like everything else in life, everyone experiences things differently. You feel how you feel. I’m sure there are other Brides out there who will feel or felt similarly & will find great comfort in your honest post.
April 7, 2011 10:45 am
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Occasionally awkward and slightly imperfect events make for the best stories. At my college graduation, I was so hungover during the ceremony (2 hours long in 100 degree heat) that I spent most of it with my black gown flipped over my head to block the light. The emergency vet called my folks during the ceremony to tell them our family dog had died. We still went out to eat for my graduation to celebrate? and silently wept into our Thai food while the server awkwardly backed away. Life! It is hard, weird, but good.
Sometimes when I see dreamscape flawless wedding photos on blogs, I think, do those two even like each other? Did anyone have fun? But maybe I’m just a bad sport.
April 7, 2011 10:57 am
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I have a similar story. My grandfather had finally died after a long and awful battle with cancer – awful enough that his death was a (sad) relief. We’d had the church service and tea afterwards, and then the famliy headed to a nearby ‘western’ bar/restaurant. We opened all the condolence cards while making slightly sick jokes and laughing a lot: my grandfather’s name was John but he often went by Jack, and one of the menu items was Tombstone Jack’s Potato Skins. Of course my uncle ordered them. And explained to the waiter why quite a few times. After a few too many of these morbid outbursts, the waiter vanished, never to be seen again, and we were served for the rest of the meal by the near-silent manager.
Sometimes, when you’ve cried enough, you have to get your (morbid) laughers where you can. Life!
April 7, 2011 12:42 pm
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BEST stories. So true. My favorite (?) memory of my mom’s wake/funeral/etc was getting drunk between viewings at the Outback Steakhouse where there was nothing edible but a bloomin onion thing. I got a lot of awkward/worrisome looks before my friends sort of relaxed into it, but I grew up witnessing everyone getting shitfaced and laughing uproariously at Irish wakes, and it honestly felt like the most appropriate thing to do was to achieve similar states of silliness and inebriation!
April 7, 2011 2:06 pm
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I DID THAT TOO! Except for we actually had a (Prairie-WASP) wake for my father, and I do remember doing shots/toasts and I’m told I may have made a toast to alcohol, but whatever, I don’t remember. The mid afternoon +200 person crowd drank every single drop in the place. We had a wake instead of the normal service, despite having no Irish ties, because it seemed like by far the most logical way to mourn my father, who was a heavy drinker.
I also feel that for a parent/child’s funeral, you get a pass to act however the hell you want to.
April 7, 2011 3:46 pm
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OMG, I just about died when I saw your orgami name cards–so amazing! And I love the picture of the two of you dancing! And the cake stands! Gorgeous!
/semi-superficial comments
I think it’s kind of awesome that your wedding felt so real and not princess-fairy-cloud land. Though I want to kick the chocolate store employee who didn’t comment on the fact that you were WEARING A FREAKIN’ WEDDING DRESS. Seriously, there are rules about these things–when someone’s wearing a dress that is obviously a wedding dress, you gotta say something about it.
April 7, 2011 10:58 am
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AY-yi-yi! Those cards! Your lovely dress! The engineer wedding! (That’s totally us!)
This weekend was a rough one for me. We re-did our wedding budget so we’ll be doing more of the stuff ourselves, which terrifies me because I think I’ll end up cleaning up. This motivated me to make a signup sheet for that.
I attended my younger sister’s wedding, where 1/8 of her guests showed. And I found out that coming to mine is a huge stressor for my family, and that several of my best friends won’t be able to come. I needed it to be okay if I didn’t love it. And this post just gave me that.
Thanks for this, and for having such a great attitude and hilarious writeup!
April 7, 2011 11:15 am
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“Realizing that sh*t – this thing is starting in 10 minutes and I forgot to put on any makeup. And then remembering that I hate makeup so lip gloss was all they were gonna get out of me.”
Rock on! As a lady who’s never been big into makeup (Not to mention “oh sh*t this thing is starting in 10 minutes and I forgot to….” pretty much sums up my life)–you’re like my hero right now.
Oh, and I forgot to add: That dress has my eyes bugging out of my head. Wow. So awesome.
April 7, 2011 11:39 am
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Wow, I relate to A LOT of this. I’ve also been struggling with the whole our-wedding-wasn’t-”us” thing. Really, our wedding was mostly my mother-in-law. Turns out when someone contributes a sizeable chunk of the expenses to your wedding, they call a lot of the shots.
But you know what? We’re still married. And our life now, post-wedding, is the same as it would have been if we’d had a different wedding. It’s wonderful. And you’re right, Caitlin: the wedding was still OURS, even if it wasn’t “us.” Thanks for the reminder. :)
April 7, 2011 11:40 am
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Yea for chatting and milling receptions! Ours was that way too. We played music, and a few people danced, but mostly it was everyone taking the rare opportunity they have to be in the same room to talk to each other. So it did kind of just wind down at the end. But then neither of us are huge party people either, so that worked for us.
Yea for runs with your dad! He’s been my running partner my whole life and I love looking back on that time he and I had together.
And I love your bouquet! That color is gorgeous!
April 7, 2011 11:56 am
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Wow. I was thinking your makeup looked great in the close up, and now you tell me there was hardly any on?! Great dress, great rings, great tiny origami name cards (and I don’t even usually care about cards)!
That’s all I have to say because I’m feeling shallow today. ;)
April 7, 2011 12:03 pm
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thank you! thank you! thank you!
i have been trying so hard to make our wedding something will be perfect, to coordinate all the details and get help and do it myself because if i don’t it won’t happen and i want flowers darn it! everyone keeps asking if i am excited and all i think of are the big stragetic decisions left to be made. like hire a photographer (meg- we need an elf in ohio!)
thank you for giving me permission to not have it be the most emotionally fulfilling day of my life or of my relationship.
April 7, 2011 12:58 pm
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Whoa. I’m so glad I read this. I got married this past summer and was sooo super stressed and way too indecisive to have fun planning the wedding. Then the wedding day was not as special, perfect, and amazing as I had wanted it to be. But it’s ok! Because being married is SO MUCH BETTER than any happiness that one day could have brought.
Thank you for your honesty and making me feel normal!
April 7, 2011 2:14 pm
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And this is why APW freaking kicks ass! We need to hear voices like this to let us know your not crazy if you feel diffrently than what it’s “supposed” to feel like cause your a BRIDE *rollseyes*. Weddings are great for the unions they represent. All that extra is just that, EXTRA and posts like this help me to keep it in perspective. Thank you and congrats on your marriage.
April 7, 2011 2:26 pm
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Caitlin, your photos look joyous! You may find your memories grow fonder with time. And if not, you’re still married and you memorized your vows! rock! Also, we engineers rock! I think everyone deals with the difference between expectations and reality to some extent. Fairytale stories have spoiled us!
April 7, 2011 4:44 pm
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I hear ya. I did not love my wedding. And I hate when I say that, and people misunderstand and think it means I am having some sort of problem with my husband. Erm… no. I said wedding, that’s an event. I didn’t marry an event. The wedding just highlighted things I already knew about a lot of people in my life and ignored. My husband and I set-up and broke down the decor for our reception in our wedding clothes. I actually asked a couple of people to help and they declined. When my DJ asked me why I was the one putting out the place cards, I just wanted to melt into a puddle of shame. Because no one loves me enough to do it! Perhaps an exaggeration, but weddings are evil things and I didn’t love mine and it did not make me feel good. There’s at least a dozen people I don’t bother to speak to now, but at least there are a few that I make more of an effort to be around because they weren’t selfish a-holes that day!!
April 7, 2011 4:47 pm
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i have to say reading this was really refreshing. after reading about so many wedding with these transcendent moments and feelings, i feel much better hearing about people who didn’t have that experience. while i had a great time at our wedding, it wasn’t some magical thing. it just felt real.
this also particularly resonated because i baked cakes for my wedding with friends as well and that was one of the most special parts of the experience. some of my favorite parts of my wedding were actually on the days surrounding it spent with family and friends.
thank you for writing this and thank you apw for posting it.
April 7, 2011 6:05 pm
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From someone you don’t know and that doesn’t know you…. IT’s OK, OK so just keep being awesome!
April 7, 2011 6:24 pm
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Caitlin – you’re my hero today. Thank you for writing this – I can relate to sooo many things – it feels nice to know that I don’t need to feel like some stone-cold & selfish lady. We are closing in on our 2-yr anniversary and I have to admit I still feel bad about not loving, even barely liking, our wedding. I avoid really thinking about this because I feel that ever-present *shame* but it’s time … you are helping me to give that up, to permit myself to accept & be okay with how I feel…thank you!
April 7, 2011 7:30 pm
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Caitlin! I had to catch my breath at the first picture of you. The dress, of course, and then I was so proud that you rocked the short hairstyle. I wish I would have been braver to do less make-up than I did (some, but not the paint-on face I got).
And I almost ordered the same bouquet of paper flowers. For some reason I caved to the pressure and went with a real flower bouquet.
And our dance party never turned into a “hurricane.” I danced, but my husband didn’t. It was fun at times, but our DJ actually ended early.
And I was not the last one cleaning up, but I definitely hauled boxes and gifts out to the car and made sure the dessert got packed up at the end of the night.
There was so much in your post that I related to that can be hard to name. I don’t want to dwell on the parts of the wedding day that didn’t go well, but it’s reality. Thanks for sharing.
April 7, 2011 8:19 pm
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Caitlyn,
I feel like you wrote MY wedding graduate post (and did a great job, to boot!). It sounds like you and I had different weddings, and for different reasons didn’t love them, but when you wrote: “I guess what I’m trying to say is, I didn’t LOVE my wedding. I didn’t feel present during it. I didn’t have so much fun at the reception that the time flew by and it was over before I knew it,” I went “WOAH.” Because that was me in Feb 2010-wishing my wedding away becuase I couldn’t handle it, and then sad because I don’t remember much of it. I definitely have guilt over not enjoying my day, and it really sucks. And I also get lots of family who still talk about how much fun they had at our wedding, and scoff when I tell them that honestly, I don’t remember much of it, or that I didn’t ‘love’ it. Thank you for writing this-it makes me feel a wee-bit better about how I have to tell myself that my marriage is so kick-ass that my wedding could never compare. :) heh
April 8, 2011 7:36 am
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ok, I have to say I’m jealous of at least one photo you have – that drop from your first dance.
We did Ceroc (a version of west coast swing) for our first dance and ended with a Tango Drop. Did we get a photo of it? No, dammnit!!!
And I feel you on taking a while to realise your wedding was fine. I’m still getting past the guilty feelings that mine wasnt as good as it could be. But when I feel too down, I try and remind myself of the friend whose family actually ruined her wedding reception with their behaviour, poor thing…
April 9, 2011 2:36 pm
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[...] dig APW for spurning the wedding industry complex (did they coin that term?) and this post in particular which doesn’t gush about the big day, but admits sometimes it’s really not as much of a [...]
April 9, 2011 6:29 pm
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Your dress, those shoes! So delicious!
But how on earth did you guys manage to make such teeny tiny origami shapes?? My fingers are wondering. We made swans once, tried to make 1000 for my friend’s wedding, and medium sized ones were a challenge enough.
April 9, 2011 10:20 pm
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Jeff is a very talented person, with itty bitty teeny tiny nimble fingers. And way more patience than I have…
April 17, 2011 5:51 pm
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Hi there.
About this post, it’s really nice.Thanks for posting it.Those informations will be helphul when i’ll get married.
April 10, 2011 5:35 am
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“And it’s okay because I say so.”
Yes yes yes.
That is all…
April 10, 2011 11:30 pm
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love this post! i am getting married on friday and its such a small simple city hall wedding and for some reason ive been thinking i might be disappointed now thats in 4 days away when ive knows for years that i didnt want a big elaborate event. i know it wont be balloons and doves flying in the air but its simple and i didnt freak out once in the planning process, which was one of my goals. im only wearing lip gloss and eyeshadow and all my friends cant believe i wont even try foundation “for the pics”, but ive never worn it before and my fiance has loved me for years without it so why start now. ahh, rambling but i just want to say you made me feel so so so much better about friday. i hope i look half as gorgeous as you too!
April 11, 2011 4:19 pm
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[...] 1. Hand carved rubber stamp sets from MemiTheRainbow; 2. Adorable wedding favour via SMP, photo by Brandon Kidd; 3. Cute veil by Tessa Kim, via SMP; 4. Origami lotus flower decoration by fishandlotus; 5. Origami place cards from a lovely wedding on A Practical Wedding [...]
June 19, 2011 12:41 am
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