It's Ask Team Practical Friday with Alyssa! And, more than that, it's the Friday before Memorial Day Weekend (we're even taking a three day weekend here at APW), so we're all in a good mood, right? Right! Today's question is about what to do when your Fiance dislikes some of your friends, and it has opened up a world of discussion in my household, so I'm fascinated to see what you all have to say about it. For me, it begs interesting questions: how much do we have to honor the self that our fiance was before we met? How much control is appropriate to exert over our partners lives? How does growing and changing effect our friendships? So let's discuss, and then I'll meet you at the barbecue. Happy long weekend, Team Practical!

My quandary is the definition of 'nearest and dearest,' and compromise and when to make it.

My fiance strongly dislikes one of my best friends from high school. Honestly, he dislikes my entire small group of friends from then. I have remained very close to them in my mind - we all live in the same city again and act, well, basically the way we did in high school. But honestly, none of us have much in common anymore, and we only actually see each other every two months or so. They've all been less than supportive as I've built this business with my now fiance. Also, I frequently have whole conversations with them where they fail to ask me a single thing about myself. My fiance sees this and hates the way they treat me. I have had these thoughts, but never verbalized it, and hearing it from him is a big dose of the truth that I wasn't quite ready to take.

The friend he dislikes the most came to my birthday party recently, and he and the people he brought with him nearly ruined my day—they can be just foul-mouthed and disrespectful. I don't want to risk that for my wedding, which happens only once and involves more than just me. My fiance is basically saying that he doesn't want to allow my less-than-thoughtful friend to attend our wedding. The thing is, until actually contemplating our very real upcoming wedding, I had basically assumed this group of friends of mine would be my wedding party. I always thought I was so lucky to have a group of old friends who I've know for 14 years, half of my life!

My fiance's concerns take us beyond just the wedding and into life together, marriage together. He doesn't want to have these foul-mouthed selfish people around our future children, around his gentle grandmother, and I completely understand and agree. Do I say something to my friend and explain why I'm not inviting him? Do I allow these friends to slowly phase out of my life as I phase into a new leg of my journey? I don't want them to blame my fiance. I don't want them to hate us, I hate to be hated. They assume that they are going to be a major part of this big life step for me, but even there I think they are doing it in a selfish way. The particularly disliked friend said, when I told him of my engagement story, that he wishes that he was loved romantically as much as I am, and that he's excited about more engagements because it's pressure on his own boyfriend to marry him. I don't want my wedding to be something that he uses to reflect on himself so much.

~Puzzled Bride

Personally, I think there's a point when you've been friends with people for so long that they cease to be just friends and become family.  And family, while wonderful, are annoying.  They have stupid habits, they say things that make you roll your eyes and are mortifying and sometimes you really don't want to be around them.  However, they also have been there with you through thick and thin, will be there for you when times are tough and will support you in the best way they know how.  Even if the best way they know how is not what you need at that moment.  Friends/family/partners are not one-stop shopping.  You get what you can from different sources to fill your soul.  Expecting all encompassing love/support/compassion all the time from one person is an awful lot of pressure on that person...  Let them fall short sometimes, they probably make up for it in other ways.  And if they don't, then you might need to start trimming some fat.

Regardless of what your fiance says and what social norms dictate a friend should be, ARE they your friends and do you want them to STAY your friends? If your heart says no, then it might be time to start phasing them out. If your heart says yes, then they're your friends and should be treated as such.  Start by not referring to your friends, whom you not so long ago thought of as your wedding party, as "foul-mouthed selfish people."  Are these people truly so horrible that you can't trust them around a sweet old lady or your future children?  If they really are THAT bad, they need to be gone and this letter is moot.

Self-examination is always good when making these big life decisions. You've made several mentions of how your friends have reacted to your life changes, but you didn't say how you've reacted to theirs.  If this one friend you mentioned is one of your best friends, why does he deserve that honorific, other than him knowing you since high school?  Was that your "particularly disliked" friend's only reaction to your engagement story, or is that just the part that you remember?  Because while it was not squealing and fawning and demanding to see the ring, expressing jealousy over your great relationship and wishing they had one too isn't a sign of a terrible friend.  In fact, it might be the highest (if slightly self-centered) compliment someone can give you.  They want to be loved like you are loved.  They look up to your relationship. Continue reading Ask Team Practical: Friends vs. Fiance