You know how wedding media has become saturated in the last few years in what I’ll call the DIY-ish wedding (or, ok, honestly fake wedding photoshoot)? And you’re like “oooohhhh, that is so lovely and handcrafted” and then you try to actually DIY it and you end up just covered in glue? Well this is the real story of the DIY wedding. Indie, yes. DIY, yes. But also covered in glue, and love, and glitter, and exhaustion, and joy. This is the real thing.
Our wedding day was utter madness.
I know that’s probably not what you want to hear. It would be more reassuring to hear that it was economical, wisely planned, and flooded with meaning; that legions of amazing wedding elves showed up and it all came together in a dreamlike way. That we don’t have any regrets.
The strange thing is… all that is true, too.
But all those months of methodical planning, all that eff you WIC! and DIY industriousness and the repetition of wedding graduate mantras could not mentally or emotionally prepare me for how the day actually went down. I thought they could. I prepared for this wedding like I was studying for the SAT and GRE combined. I had color-coded to-do lists and seven copies of my vows. I even prepared for things to go wrong: I repeated over and over that as long as we got married, that’s all that mattered. I made plans to dance in mud puddles if it rained. I’d be the anti-Bridezilla: nothing would faze me. I mean, I’m super chill and indie like that, right? (ha)
Well, in the moment, things fazed me. Big time. When our sound system went missing and then wasn’t working an hour before the wedding, I was upset. When it turned out the tablecloths that I’d sewn didn’t fit, I was crushed. When the fishing line holding up the tissue-paper poms kept snapping, I started to lose it. It’s hard to pour so much time, energy, and money into something and not feel frustrated when things get derailed. And then I started stressing about the fact that I was stressed—I was supposed to be a cool-as-a-cucumber bride, dammit! What’s the point in having a casual, homespun wedding if you’re still freaking out about your (muslin) tablecloths and (burlap) runners?
I wondered if we’d been too ambitious, attempting to do so much ourselves. I wondered if we’d regret not having time to unwind (or even grab lunch) before the ceremony. I wondered if maybe I would hate my wedding. As my repressed expectations whooshed out of me and disappointment leaked in, hot tears pricked my eyes.
I took a deep breath. As I inhaled, I looked my worst-case scenarios in the face. I stared down the possibility that guests would arrive and see me in grungy shorts and a t-shirt; that I might not get to shower or use the make-up I’d carefully researched. That we wouldn’t get the outdoor games set up or have a chance to unpack the cake stands I’d collected and transported across the state. That the organic flowers we’d bought wouldn’t make it into glass jars, let alone become centerpieces; that my relatives might be thinking I didn’t have it all together, that friends might turn up their noses, that we might not have any ceremony music, period, and that there would definitely be no “first look” photos. And then I realized something.
All that extra sh*t doesn’t matter.
I’d only read or thought this about a million times since getting engaged. But at that second, I felt it. Way down deep in my bones. Bob came outside and brought me a bottle of water because he was worried I might be getting dehydrated. We clung together for a moment, our sweaty, dirt-streaked bodies leaning against each other for support. I looked over his shoulder at all the crafts and supplies littering the grass, months of solid effort. And I knew we had to keep going. But I also knew that all I needed was right there, wrapped around me.
If this were a fictional story, I would hang a “the end” on that last sentence and be done. But this is real life, and that was not the end of the set-up work, because even though the stuff didn’t matter, it still had to be put somewhere (or hidden in the kitchen) so people didn’t trip. But the stress began ebbing away. With about an hour to go before we walked down the aisle, guests started arriving. Our DIY wedding was apparently a trainwreck, but I was filled with a bizarre sense of peace. I’d given up. And that sounds horrible, but it made me feel lighter than air. I ran up to greet our friends, dirty clothes and all. The only thing I yearned for at that point was to be married to Bob.
After taking an ice-cold shower (hot water wasn’t working) and tossing makeup at my face, hoping something would stick, I slipped into my gown and sandals and walked back into the reception room. And lo and behold, there were flowers, and bunting, and wooden cake toppers, and chalkboard signs.
I looked out the window at the ceremony site: guests were seated on benches, holding parasols and programs—both of which I’d assumed had gotten lost in the shuffle. Flower girls (neither of whom had rehearsed) were standing adorably at-the-ready. I could even hear music. If you’re a cynic like I am, you may have raised an eyebrow at the idea of Zen composure or “wedding magic.” Wedding grunt work, I understood. Magic? Eh. I wasn’t waiting on it.
Thankfully, it was still waiting on me.
I breathed it in—it felt magical, even to a skeptic, and there’s no other word for it. I’d focused so intently on Plan A and even Plan B, I couldn’t keep up when we had to move to Plan C. But our friends and family had bravely stepped in to help make this wedding happen. Most things were not as I’d imagined; surprisingly, they were better. I’d stumbled onto a gorgeous wedding—in spite of, not because of, my best efforts. But more importantly, I was swimming in love and a sense of community.
Bob and I ended up staying to clean up. A heavy tree limb fell 40 feet and grazed my car. The piñata wound up being an afterthought. People left early-ish. I never got to play with the giant bubble wands. And it was still good. I was floating, and by this point nothing could bring me down. My brother blasted “My Girl” on the iPod as we packed up. I walked across the lawn, holding up the hem of my dress and carting empty Coca-Cola bottles and sticky plates, laughing at my unlikely representation of The Bride on Her Wedding Day. I ended the evening sitting outside on the blacktop, next to my new husband, both of us barefoot. We sleepily looked on as my younger brothers played kickball in the growing dusk, while we waited to load up the last car-full of leftovers. It wasn’t the picture-perfect sparkler ending I’d seen in so many blogs. It was chaos, but a beautiful chaos, and we were saturated with joy.
Photos By: Lisa A. Rice
I aspire to be Maggie on my wedding day! I’ve got the whole “ha-I’m-doing-this-my-way-and-I’m-not-going-to-stress-but-secretly-I’m-FUH-REAKIN-out” thing down pat. But then I read this line:
“Most things were not as I’d imagined; surprisingly, they were better. I’d stumbled onto a gorgeous wedding—in spite of, not because of, my best efforts. But more importantly, I was swimming in love and a sense of community” and once again, APW restores my sanity and checks my focus.
So thank you, Maggie, for sharing honestly and optimistically. Seriously. Thanks.
PS
Color coding? Seven copies of your vows? Dang, guurl–that’s impressive! :)
June 7, 2011 5:12 am
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Perfect. Thank you.
June 7, 2011 5:14 am
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Wow. Just wow. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story, Maggie!
June 7, 2011 5:28 am
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This is a beautiful wedding!!!
(And oh-my-gosh, such cute flower girls!)
Congrats on your marriage!
June 7, 2011 5:33 am
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YAAAAY Maggie! You guys are so frickin’ adorable.
This is what I needed, to know that I can be my worst self and my best at the same time, that I can get stressed and disappointed and still have the magic take over.
Again, the cuteness and awesomeness? It kills!
June 7, 2011 5:35 am
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We did all the set-up and cleaning too. Not very romantic but uhm, it felt terrific throwing everything (but glass items) into their boxes basketball-style. Dunzo!
But girl, the details? I’m going to use a word I save for very, very special and cute things. They were presh!
June 7, 2011 5:42 am
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What a beautiful wedding!! I didn’t even make it past the first photo before I started crying. And now I’m staring at it like a total creeper, because it’s clearly such a special moment. Congratulations to you both.
June 7, 2011 6:04 am
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Only a few weeks to go until our wedding day and reading this post was like a big cosmic exhale.
PHEW. It’s gonna be fine.
June 7, 2011 6:10 am
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Maggie your wedding looks amazing! What are those amazing pink and red bunches around the arch? Are they real flowers, paper flowers? How did you make them? I love them so much!! Would you mind if I copied them for my wedding?
Thanks and huge congrats
June 7, 2011 6:11 am
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Aw, thank you! I bought those tissue paper flowers on eBay – here’s a post I wrote about the whole process: http://silver-sandalled.blogspot.com/2010/07/holy-giant-tissue-paper-balls-batman.html
Copy away! Oh, and the best info I could find suggested hanging them w/fishing line… but just know that it might snap while you’re hanging them up. ;-) Like most of the DIY projects I undertook (uhh almost everything LOL), they were equal parts a pain in the rear, and charming-and-worth-it. ;)
June 7, 2011 6:39 am
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Awesome! Thanks so much x
June 7, 2011 6:56 am
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“I breathed it in—it felt magical, even to a skeptic, and there’s no other word for it. … Most things were not as I’d imagined; surprisingly, they were better. I’d stumbled onto a gorgeous wedding—in spite of, not because of, my best efforts. But more importantly, I was swimming in love and a sense of community.”
This part right here. I’d like to exactly it a million times.
June 7, 2011 6:12 am
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I love these honest wedding posts that you don’t find anywhere else except APW! Congrats on your beautiful (& wow, it does look beautiful from the photos) chaos & best wishes on your marriage~
June 7, 2011 6:12 am
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Yes yes yes. I so needed to read this, TODAY. We only have a week and a half to go! I also color coordinated my to-do lists and while I wasn’t crazy enough to make my own table cloths (mad props!) I do still have about 90 feet of un-sewn bunting sitting on my kitchen table right now.
Thank you for being so honest about your wedding and holy crap I hope ours is just as wonderful as yours turned out to be because god knows it will be just as crazy. Again, thank you.
June 7, 2011 6:29 am
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You had me at the first photo. And then your honest story about the wedding day and how it wasn’t what you had envisioned but it was still awesome!
Where did you get your dress? I absolutely love it!
June 7, 2011 6:29 am
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Thank you! The dress, like so many other aspects of our day, is a whole other story… ;)
It was a bridesmaid’s dress designed by Carol Hannah Whitfield (Proj. Runway runner-up). I’d never tried it on, hadn’t seen it in person (ordered it on etsy, where it was shown in pink and in a different fabric). I just told her that I wanted it in a “champagne” color (without looking at swatches).
It arrived 13 days before our wedding date… Thankfully, it fit and was completely perfect.
I’m realizing now that we… took a lot of risks, with our wedding plans. And all of them paid off and then some, which astounded us both… kind of an intriguing metaphor for marriage…. :)
June 7, 2011 7:00 am
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Carol Hannah! Yay!
June 7, 2011 8:59 am
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Oh – and I should add that the sash was custom-made and designed in conjunction w/http://www.etsy.com/shop/redcurrydesigns, who was great to work with!
I’m still trying to figure out what to do w/my dress… I lovelovelove it, but don’t want it to just hang in my closet until I’m 110. was going to try the sisterhood-of-the-travelling-dress thing, but it’s not super weddingy… (and I think it might have a few tiny snags near the hem).
June 7, 2011 9:50 am
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DO IT! there are plenty of APW ladies who would totally rock that style.
June 7, 2011 1:19 pm
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This: All that extra sh*t doesn’t matter.
I’d only read or thought this about a million times since getting engaged. But at that second, I felt it. Way down deep in my bones.
This would get a million Exactly!‘s from me if it were possible. My wedding day was… intense. And crazy. And I spent the whole day going, “I’m not stressed, I’m ok.” And then I FREAKED OUT. And then, it hit me – the very thing I read a bazillion times. I finally felt it, understood it, and I had the mother loving time of my life.
You hit the nail on the head, sister.
June 7, 2011 6:32 am
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This is so true – you can read, memorize it, tattoo it on your knuckles but you kind of have to live it and FEEL it, to fully understand. Yay for having the time of your life at your wedding, even when sh*t goes wrong!
June 7, 2011 6:47 am
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This is going in my folder of things to read right before my wedding! I’m sorry you got smacked in the face by Murphy’s law (when I got to the part about the tree falling almost on your car I almost did a spit take! Talk about calamity), but I’m glad your wedding was awesome anyway.
June 7, 2011 6:50 am
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Oh, it turned out just gorgeous. It may made so sentimental to read your words – I love that your family stepped in and helped when you couldn’t any longer, and I love that you stayed to help clean up afterwards. Just perfect.
June 7, 2011 6:57 am
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Your story was beautiful and simple. Thank you so much for sharing with us. You made me cry!!
June 7, 2011 7:13 am
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I cried too, especially at the end when you talked about cleaning up and beautiful chaos.
I also really like this line: “And I knew we had to keep going. But I also knew that all I needed was right there, wrapped around me.” That’s an experience I’ve been fortunate to have over and over with my partner. You phrased it really well.
Thanks for this beautiful post!
June 10, 2011 7:23 pm
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This is a great description of the feeling of chaos and then the letting go… Thanks for sharing honestly about your joy-filled wedding day!
June 7, 2011 7:20 am
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My husband and I also handled all the wedding set-up duties (loading & setting up chairs and rented tables, moving couches, etc.) with help from my brother & brother-in-law. Afterwards, we also did all the break-down and cleaning. We were breaking down and hauling away tables & chairs, packing up leftovers, and washing dishes until two in the morning! We had hired bussers to do this, but someone accidentally sent them home early – oops. Amazingly, my new in-laws were working right along with us and my brothers the whole time. It was exhausting and not how I envisioned spending our wedding night. The most surprising part is that my husband later told me that working together with our families was one of his very favorite parts of the day for him! He felt that he really bonded with his new brothers and all those hours cleaning after the wedding (busting our asses, drinking beer and dancing to pop music) felt to him like the most meaningful after party ever. I was initially disappointed that our guests had to help with the dirty work, but to my husband, “It felt exactly like what family is all about.” As usual, he was right.
June 7, 2011 7:39 am
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We paid for what we thought was clean up, but realised during the reception that the only clean up we were getting was them moving back tables and chairs and mopping the floors. So we had to clean everything up (at least they let us leave our stuff boxed up in the kitchen until the next day…). I was quite pissed off and couldn’t believe I’d be dragging round trash bags at midnight in my dress, and that our guests would be annoyed too and not want to help. But actually everyone pitched in, it was done really fast and I have lovely memories of our families helping with tear down, and as your husband said, ‘it felt exactly like what family is about’. Lovely wedding Maggie and Bob!
June 7, 2011 12:01 pm
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Maggie – when you first got married, your wedding story really reminded me to breathe deeply and focus on what mattered. I knew my wedding morning setup might go like yours, but your story and eventual joy in/despite the mess was something I held onto. Now, from the other side, I relate even more and appreciate your story even more deeply. Thank you so much for sharing.
June 7, 2011 8:15 am
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Sounds like a solid start to to a marriage. Congratulations!
June 7, 2011 8:22 am
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Maggie, I’m tearing up as I write this. I do remember you were still in your T-shirt and shorts when I showed up and that you alluded that the day hadn’t gone smoothly, but I guess I didn’t realize how much fell apart before everything ended up coming together. When I think back on your wedding day, I remember you being that Zen bride. I remember envying how relaxed you seemed. I am SO happy and thankful that I was able to be a part of your day (and that I convinced you that we did have time for a first look. It’s the the only one I’ve photographed to date!) Thanks so much for sharing the inside story for all of us. I wish I’d had this post to read before my wedding!
June 7, 2011 8:32 am
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[...] midst of preparing a new Wedinated post (from Australia!!!), but in the meantime I wanted to share this Wedding Graduate post from A Practical [...]
June 7, 2011 8:57 am
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A lesser woman—such as myself—would have come totally unglued at the prospect of a cold shower on her wedding. (I may or may not be implementing shower backup plans in my head right now.) You are a champ.
Any bride-to-be could stand to learn something from you, but especially those of us with color-coded spreadsheets, the mental insanity to make their own tablecloths, and a sparkler-free, trash-filled after-party.
Thank you especially for that last one. I definitely needed to hear the silver lining in cleaning up after one’s own wedding. :)
June 7, 2011 8:58 am
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I feel like most of the blogs I read beforehand made cleaning up after your wedding sound like every bride’s worst nightmare and something to be avoided at all costs (literally) — even for the couples who did a lot of the prep work themselves, or perhaps especially those who took on so much.
After reading that over and over, it’s hard not to feel like you’re “doin’ it wrong” if that’s just how it works out. Some of our guests were sorting recycling and wiping down counters as soon as they finished their cake (bless them). But I realized… that was the nature of the day we planned. And it was also the nature of our families–they’re “pitch in and help” people, and I probably couldn’t have stopped them if I tried. It was a better gift than anything on the registry…but being open to receiving that gift was not my first instinct. It took some pride-swallowing, some acceptance that while this day was unlike every other day, it was also *just* like every other day. And that there was still sweetness to be found in that.
My mom is the queen of silver-lining-finding. I think she’s passed a bit of that on to me through osmosis. It’s always there, though. Sometimes you need to just need to allow yourself to feel that frustration or disappointment before you can see it, but I promise, it’ll be there if you look for it.
Best wishes for your day – however it goes down, may it be exactly what you need. :)
(Oh, and at first, the door to the shower was locked. After contemplating showering in the men’s room, I decided to spend the time tracking down the site manager to have him unlock it… so a cold one was actually a relief at that point, LOL).
June 7, 2011 9:35 am
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Maggie, thank you, this post is beautiful and so important to read. And I love how you talk about the end of the party. I had always thought of having that big send off but it’s just not, well, practical all the time. We were going to meet friends out at the bar afterward and as the trolley filled up with guests I realized the room was still a mess and full of our stuff. My mom offered to drive us back to our hotel to clean up before heading to the bar but then a second trolley appeared, I ran out to ask if he could hang out for a few minutes, and Mike and I packed up the reception space, gifts, said goodbye to the wait staff and the band as they were leaving, and realized that we were the last guests in the room. But it was sweet and quiet and good. So not the sparkler sendoff I always thought of but, like yours, it was kind of perfect. Your photos are wonderful too, looks like an amazing day, congratulations!
June 7, 2011 10:57 am
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I actually didn’t even get a shower – a storm had knocked out the power to the water the night before and all our guests had to go back to our house and line up to shower. I didn’t have time. Thank god I had showered the night before…! Not fun!
June 7, 2011 12:04 pm
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Haha, cold showers have made me cry at least three times this year.
June 7, 2011 9:47 am
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Thank you thank you thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
June 7, 2011 8:58 am
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Your dress is gorgeous!
Congrats on your marriage :)
June 7, 2011 9:17 am
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This is my fantasy wedding. This is how well I hope mine will go. Thanks for making it seem perfectly attainable!!
June 7, 2011 10:19 am
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“Magic? Eh. I wasn’t waiting on it. Thankfully, it was still waiting on me.”
LOVE that. It brought tears to my eyes. Very sweet.
June 7, 2011 10:57 am
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I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want my wedding to feel. Maggie has put it into words for me: saturated with joy.
Thank you so much to Maggie for writing this and Meg for posting it. Oh, how I love APW.
June 7, 2011 3:33 pm
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This is just beautiful. What a day.
ps. YAY Maggie!!! :)
June 7, 2011 5:10 pm
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You made my day, Maggie. :)
June 7, 2011 6:09 pm
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Although i’m happy for you that it didn’t end up actually happening, the thought of two people getting married in dirty clothes made me smile.
June 7, 2011 6:13 pm
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Yet another post that makes me love APW. I can totally relate to this lady, and won’t be at all surprised if my wedding day ends up going something like this. The honesty and love and beauty from this piece are so apparent! Thank you!
June 8, 2011 10:36 am
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good lord I love her dress. wow. deep breath.
June 8, 2011 7:15 pm
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[...] having a wacky photobooth at your wedding. The Sisterhood of the Traveling Instax Camera began with Maggie sending it to Becca. Becca ran a giveaway on her blog which Jo won, and Jo, being a Wedding Hero, [...]
August 24, 2011 9:53 am
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