reclaiming wife

Archive for August, 2011

Sponsored Post

It's quite possible that I'm still just a little emotional from Yay New York, and I'm still thinking a lot about how we collectively have the power to change things—the wedding industry most definitely included. I'm still thinking a lot about the way our conversations shape things and really matter.

So putting together today's sponsored post, and watching Up Up Creative's video (Watch it. Do it.), I got a little teary. Here is what's happening. Julie, of Up Up Creative, a super talented wedding invitation designer, has decided to do an experiment for the month of September (starting right now). For a whole month, she's letting you name your price when you order her wedding invitations (and custom design is included).

It's really simple. You go to this link. You place your order. You name your price. And that's it.

This experiment isn't designed so everyone can screw Julie over and get super cheap wedding invitations at less than what it costs her to make them (because that is not how we roll here at APW). The experiment is designed to jump start a conversation about value. It's designed to jump start a conversation of what we want the wedding industry to be. To me, it's also about jump starting a conversation about community. Because if one of us can pay less for Julie's art, and one of us can pay more for Julie's art, how can we use this conversation about value to make sure everyone has access to beauty?

Julie's video about the project (which you should really watch, whether or not you're in the market for wedding invitations, because it is awesome), says this:

It's about getting a dialogue going about value.

The value of handmade.

The value of supporting an independent business.

The value of good design.

The value of working one on one with someone.

Think before you name your price.

And please be fair.

Amazing, no? So before you order your invitations (and think seriously about your price), or send this link to everyone you know getting married, I'm going to let Julie talk a little bit about why she started this project:

The best way I've come up with to describe this project to people who look at me like I'm crazy is to say that I had the business equivalent of that sudden, aching need to cut off all your hair or dye it fire engine red. Something felt too staid and formal, perhaps.

But it's more than that, really. It's that there's a conversation I want to have, and this seems like the honest-to-god best way to get the conversation going.

Entrepreneurs and artists and people like me, we spend a LOT of time talking and thinking about prices and money and value. What value does our art have? What value to what audience? How do we put a dollar amount on that? How do we look customers in the eyes and ask them to pay us to do something we'd probably do for free if we didn't have, you know, bills to pay and kids to clothe and mortgages howling at us like wild dogs.

But I want to talk about it. I want to talk about value. I want to trust that my work really does have value, even without a price tag attached to it.

And also, I want to make you think. I want you to think about how to make the most of your wedding budget—to make it speak for you on the subject of value.

Because in a weird way, I really believe in the wedding industry. As much as even I complain about its wastefulness, about the exorbitant costs and the silly things we've been led to believe we *need* to have and do, I really love the wedding industry for the way that it brings together regular everyday people with the artists, makers, and doers in their communities. When besides a wedding, after all, would most of us hire a calligrapher, or a chef, or a musician? And what purchasing decisions do we really make with such thought? Who, for example, makes an inspiration board of toothpastes and razors? Who interviews the guys at each cell phone kiosk in the mall selling smart phones for $99?

There are ways to be mindless about wedding planning, and there are ways to be thoughtful. My experiment is about being thoughtful. It's about establishing a relationship and starting a dialog.

Which is why I didn't decide 100% to do it until I had talked to Meg. If anyone knows about getting the conversation going—getting people talking about even the toughest, most awkward things—it's APW. And Team Practical? They know how to jump in. They know how to converse. They know how to create relationships.

And I'd like you to talk to me this month, and hopefully beyond this month.


Potential Questions

Q: Can I order now even if I'm not ready with my wording yet?

A: Yes.

Q: What's the catch?

A: There is no catch. You name your price, I fill your order. I would really appreciate that you not take advantage of me and make me lose money on this, but I'm going to honor all purchases this month no matter what.

Q: Are there any extra fees built in?

A: When you check out you'll name your price and paypal will add $15 for shipping and—if you are shipping to a New York State address only—8% NYS sales tax. Otherwise, there are no extra hidden fees. Your own-price invitations will come with the same things regular invitations come with: envelopes (including 5% extra envelopes), an extra invitation for framing or scrapbooking, digital proofs (PDF, via email), and up to two rounds of changes to the proof. Additional rounds of changes, which are pretty much never EVER necessary, will incur the same additional fees as always: $40 per round.

Q: When will I receive my order?

A: I'm going to do my best to stick to my usual order turn-around times, and in fact I've enlisted extra help to accommodate the possible onslaught, but since I have no idea what kind of volume is going to come in this month, there may be some delays—I will let you know right away at the time of ordering what kind of timing we're looking at. Obviously the earlier you order the sooner your stuff will arrive so it's in your interest to order as soon as you're ready.

Q: Can I still order a completely custom design from you during this month-long experiment?

A: Sure thing! You can name your own price for the design and for the printing. It might be best for us to talk before you name your price just so we can both get a good idea of what the process will be like.

Q: What will happen in October?

A: I have no idea! It depends a bit on how September goes. I'd love love love to continue this as a pricing model but I need to assess the experiment and see whether it worked for you, worked for me, etc. I'd really love your feedback on this whole thing, by the way—good feedback, bad, even ugly.

Q: Can I decide to pay nothing for my invitations? To get them for free?

A: You know, I suppose you technically *can* do this, though at checkout $15 for shipping will be added, but I hope that you won't. These are real tangible goods you'll be getting, and real hours of my time. There are actual costs associated with wedding invitations, which I hope you'll take into consideration when you name your price. I'll honor low prices, of course, since I'm committing to going all-in for the duration of this experiment, but I do hope you'll remember that there's a person at the other end of this transaction.

Q: Is this for real?

A: Yeah. It is. I'm a real graphic designer with a real invitation business. My invitations have been featured in BRIDES magazine and all around the web. You can read customer testimonials here on my website or on theknot.com and many other major wedding-industry sites (Project Wedding, Wedding Wire, theweddingchannel.com, etc.).

Q: What if I want to order more than one set of invitations?

A: It would be easiest if you would process two separate "name your price" orders to help me stay organized and sane. I'd appreciate it.

Q: What if I want to order other items (like calendars, posters, greeting cards, etc.)?

A: Unfortunately, anything in my regular web shop at upupcreative.com will have to be processed separately from your "name your price" order(s).

And now. Let's talk about this.What do you think about this experiment? What do you think about the idea of value, and art, and allowing people to do what they love without them ripping you off or you ripping them off? What conversation does this spark in you?

Now let's do this thing. You can only change the world one step at a time, but this seems like a good place to start today. So go order your wedding invitations from Up Up Creative already, and then let's talk. And also, if you're not in the market for wedding invitations, but you want to support Julie while she works on this excellent project, may I suggest her other work? Like her gift wrap? (Hint: I want).

Now spread the word....

When we were planning Yay New York, Leah and Mark offered to do a photobooth for us. And I said yes because that's what you do when you're planning an event with very little money and very little time. You say yes a lot and trust that people will know what's good for you. I only had one rule: no mustaches on a stick. Because yes. I'm tired of that.

Well, thank god we said yes, because the photobooth was epic (and easy). First of all, please don't feel like you have to spend a ton of money on photobooth decorations. We made ours by buying about nine tinsel curtains and layering them on the wall to make a really thick backdrop (we spent less than this, but here is the best I could find online).

Then Kari of The Handmade Event made some signs, picked up some affordable props, and BAM. The magic. (I hope you're enjoying the third set of arms in this picture.)

Turns out, it was super, super fun. And now I have visual memories of how hot APW readers are. Seriously. And you thought I was kidding. Y'all are full of sassy hotness.

So the photobooth was epic and awesome, and it was the quickest possible way to make friends. It's hard to stay strangers when you're throwing around props and taking hilarious pictures. So now I'm going to let you enjoy Team Practical...

Continue reading Yay New York: Photobooth!

{Taken from my workspace in New York City, on my iPhone}

The week before Yay New York, I was in New York City on my own. I decided to take advantage of the fact that I can work from anywhere and went a few days early. David couldn't get time off work, so I was on my own in a city that I'm used to being on my own in.

It was wonderful. I saw friends on my own schedule; I journaled by the lake in Prospect Park; I walked from Canal to 14th on a lovely summer night because I wanted to check up on everything. When you've lived a huge chunk of your life in New York City, it feels like a part of you. When you leave, it can feel like you amputated a limb. So I walked the streets, at each block remembering something different from a different period in my life. "Remember when you interviewed as a nanny there when you were in college?" "Remember shopping for office supplies there when you ran an office?" "Remember staying out late drinking there in your mid-20s?" And frankly, it was nice to do the remembering alone, at my own pace. It was nice to be away from my husband for a few days (even if I missed him after seeing a play with no one to discuss it with).

During my trip, I had a long chat with Kimi of Printable Press about the nature of solitude and family. Kimi, who had a baby earlier this year, told me that partnership had been a harder adjustment than motherhood when it came to giving up solitude. And I got to thinking about how difficult I've personally found that trade off to be.

David and I moved in together pretty late. We moved in together when we moved across country, and only because David told me, "It is beyond stupid and expensive to move to San Francisco and then get separate apartments near each other." Because the truth is, I would have kept separate apartments til the last possible second. I viewed moving in together more as giving up my own place than building a home together (though in the end, it was both). Continue reading Reclaiming Wife: Solitude & Partnership

** The bulk of our party photos were shot by Melissa of beIMAGED in NYC, who gave up dancing just to shoot. We love her. All photos are credited individually, since the photographer community was in on it.**

Photo by FedorovFoto

This morning I started to tell you about the Yay New York party, but it turns out to really tell you about it, I needed more space and voices from Team Practical. So here we go...

Photo by beIMAGED

Rachel/DDay had this to say (That's her in the grey with the flower):

In the span of 24 hours, I left my home, bought a party dress on the run, slogged through torrential downpours, waited in line under dripping tents, sat on a stinky bus for six hours with wet shoes, changed into said party dress in a shady and poorly lit NYC deli bathroom, ran in heels down a dark street and found my way to the epic party that was Yay New York. Lots of wine and delicious popsicles and photo booth silliness and shaking of booties. And sweating, lots of sweating. And seeing faces only glimpsed in tiny gravatars, suddenly animated and real-person sized, shaking my hands and laughing and assuring me it was ok that I just spilled wine on them (and the floor, and myself) mid-dip-low.

A mere twelve hours after leaving home, the party was over and I still hadn't eaten dinner. The ever-hospitable Zan led me and a couple other lost puppies back to her apartment (in a church!) in Brooklyn, where she fed us the most amazing Emergency Dinner, a.k.a. mac 'n' cheese with peas and tuna fish (don't squish up your nose till you've tried it). Not enough hours later, I woke up on her fold-out couch and let her lead me (in my lady bug pajamas, because no I didn't bring anything to wear the next day) all the way to my bus stop, which incidentally was well out of her way (thank goodness for Zan, it has to be said). Another 5 or 6 hours later, after blushing my way through D.C. in my pajamas, I was home.

I was excited for this event, I was pumped to meet my "Internet Friends" (heh), I was looking forward to partying for marriage equality. But reading the live updates on APW on my way there, it was really brought home for me where I was going and why and how exciting but also sobering it all was. Joy, for the happy couples. And then absolute wretched despair for the reason this party was necessary. We still have so much work to do, and I had a long bus ride to think about it. But being in that room, with confetti and streamers (and wine and melty popsicle juice) flying around, surrounded by Team Practical... it was all about joy, and friends, and vigorous love. ...I mean that in the energetic spirit of love kind of way, not, like, sex (though there was a lot of sexy in the room, too).

Photo by beIMAGED

Photo by Emily Takes Photos Continue reading Yay New York: The Party (Part II)

** The bulk of our party photos were shot by Melissa of beIMAGED in NYC, who gave up dancing just to shoot. We love her. All photos are credited individually, since the photographer community was in on it.**

Photo by Leah and Mark

So the Yay New York Dance Party. Before I dive in to trying to describe what might be one of the most epic dance parties of my life, let me just mention the ice sculpture. Because yeah, I just said that.

Photo by beIMAGED

The day before the event, I was running around New York City like a mad woman, and I got a call from Elizabeth who said, "Um. How do I say this? One of the groom's brother's is a career ice sculptor living in Brooklyn" (Editors note: a super hip ice sculptor) "And he wants to make something for the party." Clearly, when you get a call like that, you do not say no. So, he made a sculpture version of And Kathleen's logo with interlocking rings and an equal sign, and you pretty much know a party is going to be for the ages when it starts like that.

Photo by Leah and Mark

And then there was our DJ, Whitney Day. I'm not even sure what to say about Whitney, except everyone who'd met her kept saying, "Oh, just wait till you meet her. Just wait. Just wait." And then she showed up. First of all, I can't imagine what the party would have been like without her, since she's one of those people who just makes you feel like the sun broke through the clouds and is shining right on you. She's happy, she's kind, she's so cool you just want to stand next to her and hope it rubs off on you. And she played the most amazing music. At the end of the night when I went to talk to her, I was half apologetic that she wasn't playing her normal club crowd. Boy did she set me straight. She said, "They danced to everything. Soul, club music, hip-hop,  hits, whoa. I played it they danced." And boy did you.

And then I said, "But you don't play weddings, right?" and she said, "Oh. I do now." So seriously, if you are having a wedding in the tri-state area, signed sealed delivered, she's yours. And let's talk about the dancing.

Photo by beIMAGED

Photos by Leah and Mark

Photos by beIMAGED

Photo by Leah and Mark

And that was just us getting started. Continue reading Yay New York: The Party (Part I)


I'm not even sure how to describe today's wedding graduate post other than saying it's one of those weddings where I feel sure that I should have been there (and maybe was in spirit). It took place in Wales, had serious food (Nora is a food blogger), and was photographed by APW sponsor Lauren McGlynn with photos so lovely and evocative you almost feel like you're there. Plus it's funny.

When Luis and I sat down with a nice meal and a glass of bubbly a few weeks before the wedding to write our vows, we were both surprised by how easy we found it.

The words came remarkably naturally to both of us and we found that we both knew what we wanted to promise each other. Thinking about it, I am putting this down to the wedding being just one in a long line of commitments we’d already made to each other.

First of all Luis left behind everything he knew in Costa Rica and moved to the UK to be with me. We have been through all the expense and stress of getting three visas (so far!), not to mention a separation of five long months while the first one was processed. We have gradually come to realise that by staying together we are committing ourselves to a lifetime of at least one of us being thousands of miles from our closest friends and family—and the other one heartbreakingly aware of being the cause of that separation. So just the act of staying together felt like a pretty huge commitment to both of us. Oh, and we got legally married in February 2009 in a rush to get him a visa. This wedding was our party to celebrate in style.

So it follows that our wedding wasn’t a transformative, magical experience that signified a huge leap forward in our relationship. It was just a really great party that we got to invite our family and friends to. And what more can you ask for, really? However this didn’t mean we got to escape the full on wedding planning stress.

So, in the spirit of passing it on, there are two things I wish I’d known—though they seem kind of contradictory. Continue reading Wedding Graduates: Nora & Luis