A few weeks ago, when I wrote about going dancing, I was completely bowled over by the response. It turns out that lots and lots of us had the need to put on our uncomfortable shoes and get out of the house. It seemed we just needed a reminder, a motivation, a kick in the pants. That same week, I was down in L.A. and had a long talk with Becca of A Los Angeles Love about the response to the post. Why had that post hit a nerve? What was going on? Her theory was simple and really resonated with me. She pointed out that, as adults, we have the ability to stay in our comfort zone. We don't even have to push ourselves to do little brave things, like going dancing. We can easily surrender to inertia, not leave the house, not leave the couch, not leave our job, not change our lives. We're not forced to try new things, and when we stop being brave, we forget how to do it. When we stop being brave we forget that the fear of trying something new is almost always worse than actually doing something new. When we stop practicing pushing through the fear, we forget that the fear is a lie, not the truth.
So, last week, APW Editor Kate and I went on a long-planned trapeze outing. It was to celebrate the end of writing the book. We'd picked trapeze because I'd made a promise to myself to knock trapeze off my life list this year. In fact, let me back up fifteen years or so. When I was in high school, the L.A. Times Magazine ran an article about a Bay Area girl who'd fallen in love with the trapeze and had run off to join the circus (literally, she was touring Eastern Europe). I cut the article out and carried it with me for the next ten years. It wasn't exactly the trapeze part that caught in my heart, but the idea that she'd abandoned a conventional life to do something that made her feel like she could fly. And that she'd found her family there. This is something I've worked hard to do, in various ways, my whole life.
I'd wanted to try the trapeze for a long, long, time. It just so happens that I'm also rather afraid of heights. And to do the flying trapeze, you have to climb up to a platform (without a harness) that is the equivalent height of a third floor fire escape. Then you get harnessed up, lean into open space, and grab the bar. And then you have to jump off.
Mostly what I can tell you about is my overwhelming terror. About the difficulty of climbing a teeny tiny ladder with no harness when your legs are shaking. About chalking my hands and my feet because I was sweating all over, and I didn't want to slip. About the instructor telling me to lean out over the warehouse of cavernous space and grab the bar of the trapeze with both hands. About saying, "I can't," and her really calmly replying, "You're going to," and me saying, "Ok." About how I just pushed through all the fear and jumped off the platform into mid-air.
I'd like to tell you that I found it to be shockingly free, swinging from that trapeze, but I found it to be abjectly terrifying. And then I had to let go and fall into the net. And then I had to flip from the net onto the floor. And then I felt like throwing up, but I didn't. And Kate told me, well you did that, you don't have to do it again. And I shook my head grimly, chalked up, climbed the ladder again, and jumped. Over, and over, and over.
The instructor asked me if I was starting to have fun, and I told her no, I was just trying to get over my abject terror. And I did. By the end of the night I had ramped down to just garden variety terror. After my last trip to the net, I announced, "That wasn't the most terrible thing I've ever done." And everyone cheered.
And yet, I want to go back. Because unlike Kate, above, who isn't mortally scared of heights, I didn't swing upside down. And I didn't do a catch. And I'd like to.
But mostly, I feel like I need to go back to master the fear, to finish accomplishing something I really want to do. Because the truth is, I've always been afraid of things. A short list of things I used to be mortally terrified of as a child, that I'm now reasonably accomplished at, include:
- Being in the same room with a kitty-cat
- Sleeping with the light off
- Jumping off the diving board
- Being underwater
- Rollerskating
- Riding a bike without training wheels
- Being admonished in Ballet class
Because when you're a kid, you have to get over your fears. People make you. And as an adult it's easy to stay complacent. To stay where we know we are safe. But the only reason I was able to jump off that platform is that years ago I did a high ropes course. I was a counselor at an arts camp, and I was required to do it. I hated it. I refused to participate at first. And when I finally got up on the ropes, and pushed through the fear, it was amazing. I didn't want to get down. I realized that the doing of the thing isn't the hard part; it's the pushing through the fear that is the hardest.
So when the instructor calmly told me that I had to lean out over the cavernous space and grab the bar, I knew she was right. I had to do it, to push past the roaring in my head and the shaking in my legs. I had to grab the bar, and I had to jump. Because that's what being alive is.
So go do something brave. Jump. The best I can tell you is that swinging in space is less terrifying than standing on the platform waiting.
(All pictures taken at Trapeze Arts in Oakland, which I can't recommend enough. They don't let you wallow in fear there. Also? This would be the best bachelorette party of all time. Maybe even better than mine. You're welcome.)
Well done, Meg! You’ve inspired me.
August 18, 2011 4:37 am
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FDR said it better than I ever could: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
Well done for facing your fears!
August 18, 2011 4:52 am
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BRAVO!
August 22, 2011 8:18 am
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Meg, I’m sure I’ve said this before, but APW convinced me to stop being afraid of doing what I wanted to do in the context of my wedding… and a couple of months after we got married, it extended to the rest of my life. In December, I quit my long term full-time job with benefits, with nothing lined up. I started volunteering (crazy things! I work with monkeys now!) and somewhere along the line discovered that I’m a really good coach (one of my fears used to be kids… now I teach them every day!). I applied for school and have been running my own business, which – this month! – is making me as much money as I used to make at my full time job (that I hated). Thanks for the push so many months ago to follow what I wanted, despite the fear. I love where I have ended up, and where I am going.
August 18, 2011 4:59 am
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Woohoo for you! This post and all the responses are going to make me sooooo happy today.
August 18, 2011 6:12 am
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Are you serious?!
This was so inspiring to read. You just have no idea.
August 18, 2011 6:13 am
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Amazing – good for you! Congratulations! I think Meg’s job description includes “inspiring people to do what they really want in life – not just weddings” or it should. Yay, you!
August 18, 2011 6:20 am
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So proud and happy for you!
August 18, 2011 7:25 am
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Oh Bird I am overjoyed for you! You are rocking at life.
August 18, 2011 10:55 am
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I put my two weeks’ notice in at a job I hate and we are packing up right now to move to Austin from Virginia. We don’t have a place to live, and the husband technically doesn’t have his transfer. I don’t have a job yet either. We have savings and hope and excitement. I call it our Pioneer Days because that’s how we feel, like we’re headed into the unknown (although we have visited the city) in search of a better life. It gives me such a sense of exhilaration to toss my fortunes to the wind like this. I’m just hoping my husband can stop worrying about his job and see the change like you have!
August 19, 2011 1:43 pm
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Does it sound condescending if I say “I’m proud of you?” I’m sorry if it does. But I am :)
August 18, 2011 5:08 am
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once again, exactly what I needed this morning…
August 18, 2011 5:08 am
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Woah, Meg, I love it! And I like your inspiration too — I have also cut out and carried an article to remind me to explore and adventure (mine was about a biologist who worked on tidepools, which is something I love).
I’m a ropes course instructor, and I am also afraid of heights. I’m not going to lie — it is a little scary. Okay, a lot scary sometimes. I don’t have to go up on the platforms much, but I do sometimes. I can finally be on the zip platform and not freak out at all. There are still elements we do on our course that I am incapable of doing. For example, we have a power pole: you climb up a 35 foot pole, stand on the top, which is the size of the phone book, and jump out into open space to try and grab a bar. I can climb the pole now, but I still can’t stand up on the top piece. I am working up to it, slowly. I admire you for facing down your fears and getting back up there again and again.
Thanks for the morning reminder to be bold.
August 18, 2011 5:11 am
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At 25 I’m finally learning to drive and it scares the shit out of me! I’m unsure why since everyone else seems to have got it. Lesson 4 tomorrow. I’ll be channelling this post. Maybe next I’ll try trapeze :)
August 18, 2011 5:21 am
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Ha, so its not just me who’s scared of driving? I’m 28, have my license, but I still really dislike driving. I’m forcing myself to do it more and more, but I still come home, announce “I drove for x amount of time” and expect my husband to cheer for me. I need the positive reinforcement ;)
August 18, 2011 7:00 am
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I totally ditto the whole driving fear. I know I can do it, I have driven long distances before, but if there is the option of someone else doing it? I am so for it! I just freak out about it beforehand, but the actual driving part isn’t bad at all. I am also working on getting my confidence back– I was never scared of driving in high school.
August 18, 2011 8:13 am
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Same with me, about not being afraid of driving when I was younger. I used to drive to out-of-state vacation destinations! I was usually the one with a car, so I had to do the driving. But, now I’m at a point where I don’t even have a car and haven’t driven in almost 3 years (I take public transportation). I’ve been reading more and more lately about others having a similar dislike of driving, which makes me feel a little less like a freak — when I first started telling friends that I had an issue with driving, I did get some weird looks.
August 18, 2011 10:23 am
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I drive and I have driven halfway across the country alone. BUT, ever since I moved to a very small town, I can’t seem to drive over 60 MPH without freaking out. And city driving makes me lose my mind.
Hard to believe I moved here from a city.
To be fair, one of the closest cities is Atlanta, GA and in rush hour, people drive 75 MPH there BUMPER-TO-BUMPER. It’s a disaster waiting to happen.
One time, I had to pull off the freeway (a neat trick) just to calm down.
You feel like you’re qualifying for the Indy 500 in Atlanta. Dallas was a lot easier.
August 18, 2011 4:23 pm
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Well that’s exactly the point, right? What other things do you do in your life we’re you could so easily kill someone through neglect? I don’t have many as a graphic designer, that’s for sure. I think when you’re younger that sort of stuff doesn’t factor into the learning process in the same way. Then add in all those other people who you have no control over..!! It’s literally an accident waiting to happen.
August 18, 2011 5:42 pm
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Haha! That’s exactly what I’m like, except my partner never does because he’s jaded after driving me around for 6 years. He’s got one of those stories that involves food poisoning at a Vegas buffet and needing to drive us both 6 hours to Salt Lake City interspersed with various bodily fluids to catch a plane which always ends with… “And that’s why you need to be able to drive.” I concede, he may have a point ;)
August 18, 2011 5:38 pm
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Huzzah! Okay. Don’t feel bad. It took me until I was 23 to get my license and another three years of therapy to get to the point where being behind the wheel of a car didn’t cause me to shake uncontrollably. Nope, I wasn’t in an accident, or anything awful like that. Just weird. Still would rather not drive though.
August 18, 2011 7:54 pm
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I didn’t get my license til 22! I used to be so nervous driving. In 2 years it’s gotten better, but I still don’t love it. By now I’ve gotten comfortable in my skill; it’s the other people I don’t trust. I see so many people doing stupid and illegal things…
August 18, 2011 9:54 am
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Hah. My wife didn’t learn how to drive until she was 22, either– it was right after we met (I was 19, eep, a baby!) and -I- taught her how to drive. It was fun and REALLY TERRIFYING.
August 18, 2011 1:53 pm
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This post reminds me of an Erica Jong quote that stuck with me like glue: “Always do the things you fear the most. Courage is an acquired taste, like caviar.” Just as applicable in 2011 as it was in 1977. Well done, trapeze lady!
August 18, 2011 5:30 am
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I like this quotation! So writing it down and putting it somewhere visible.
August 18, 2011 6:04 am
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“Courage is an acquired taste…” Could not be more true. I love the snowball effect, too. One courageous moment elides into the next, and soon you’re being courageous all the time. And getting somewhere faster.
August 18, 2011 6:17 am
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<3 Erica Jong.
August 18, 2011 8:59 am
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One of the (very few) great things about living in a place where you don’t really have friends (in person friends at least) is that you are forced to do this constantly. Although mostly it is little stuff, like taking new classes or going to things on your own. Not just movies and stuff, things that I once found inconceivable, like going to a concert on your own. (yes, I was that girl dancing by herself to M Ward in Manchester thankyouverymuch).
but this is a great reminder to do the “i’m going to pee my pants” scary stuff too. Pushing yourself out there is one of the easiest ways to feel perfectly, wholly alive on just an average day – which is pretty great.
Note to self, tick skydiving off next year (pretty sure the bump would not appreciate it this year).
August 18, 2011 5:32 am
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“One of the (very few) great things about living in a place where you don’t really have friends (in person friends at least) is that you are forced to do this constantly.”
I’m with you on this. I’ve actually made several friends since I moved to a new city with my husband in November but I keep trying new things and making myself talk to new people and it’s a little scary every time. I’m very introverted so I do actually have to make myself seek out friends because otherwise I’d be perfectly happy being alone or with my lovely husband. Congrats on facing the uncomfortable, Caroline and all others who are being brave. :)
August 18, 2011 6:26 am
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This is great! I think you make a really important point, Meg, when you say that as adults we tend to not go out of our comfort zones. As kids, we’re always pushed to do new things…that’s growing up. As stupid as it sounds, I have a phobia of going to the doctor…and guess what I did this week! I went! I walked right in and was honest and told the doctor I was afraid and she was totally cool with it. I was so proud of myself…and it inspired my doctor-fearing-husband (and I thought in marrying him that HE would be the strong one when it comes to doctors! I was wrong!) to make an appointment sometime in this century. Now, that’s an accomplishment.
I had a lot of fears as a child, and I have a lot now…the difference is that I’m learning that only I can control my life, and only I can decide that if something I’m choosing to do is “scary,” I can always stop, if I need to.
Conquering fears really IS an important aspect of reclaiming wife, because it keeps us growing, learning, discovering who we are as women, people, learners, and thinkers.
August 18, 2011 5:33 am
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Brilliantly timed post. My doctor gave me advice that I need to change my life if I want to keep living (she was not quite as blunt as that but that is the crux of it) and I have dilly dallied as I am scared it will mean I lose what I have. I’m scared it will have an impact on my relationship. I’m scared I will enjoy it. I’m scared I might become something else.
But I just keep doing small bits (like holding the rail) and hope that each step takes me closer to crossing the fear threshold and into the life I need to have to keep me with the people I love.
Thank you for this post. I will book mark it and come back to it whenever I get scared of something like this.
August 18, 2011 5:45 am
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“I’m scared I will enjoy it.”
This is a super common fear. But isn’t it a funny fear?
August 18, 2011 9:13 am
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God. I need to carry this comment around with me every day.
I’m scared I will enjoy it.
This is the anchor dragging me down. This fear makes no sense to anyone in my life, and it’s such a present, PALPABLE fear of mine. It is astonishing to see someone else give voice to that same fear. Thank you.
You make me want to do it anyway.
August 18, 2011 10:35 am
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I needed to hear this today, well every day really. Thanks for posting, Meg. Perhaps I’ll begin by conquering my fear of balloons popping (yes, it’s silly but true)
August 18, 2011 5:46 am
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I’m literally about to walk into my bosses’ office and put in my two-weeks notice. Even though I’ve got a new job lined up, I’m still terrified of the unknown.. Will my new coworkers like me? Will I like this new job as much as the one I have now? I’ll be keeping this post in the back of my mind all day. :)
August 18, 2011 5:51 am
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Congratulations!!! New jobs are always so scary & riveting & awesome. I long for the day I can put in my two weeks…
Courage, woman! Courage :)
August 18, 2011 6:17 am
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I did mine too (without another “job”, though a side business) and it is terrifying. Don’t worry if a few hours later you feel woozy. Because in the next couple of days you are going to feel awesome and excited. Congrats to you.
August 18, 2011 6:22 am
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Congratulations! It’s scary, but it’s still really great to move on with your life. I am anxiously awaiting a phone call that is supposed to be coming “this week” about whether I will be receiving a job offer of my own at a new company. Even though I still haven’t heard anything, I am still having anxious dreams about showing up at my new job, meeting everyone and then subsequently disappointing them all. In real life, I am generally much more confident than these dreams would suggest, so these dreams have been weirding me out. So, I guess what I’m saying is, good luck and I know how you feel!
August 18, 2011 6:38 am
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Congratulations! We’re all cheering you on. (I’m terrified of quitting. Can you report back how it goes?)
August 18, 2011 10:57 am
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It went surprisingly well! Both bosses were supportive, and glad to see that I’m moving forward with my career.. whew! Now I just need to wrap up all the loose ends and say my goodbyes to everyone, that will be the hardest part!
(That, and figuring out how to use public transportation to get to my new job.. I’m terrified of missing my bus! ha!)
August 18, 2011 8:24 pm
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When I quit another job I disliked to be an adjunct I felt like I could fly for hours. It was a high that was palpable. Don’t be afraid! It’s like a band-aid. It is scary for a second and then it is all over.
Note, I’m not advocating quitting, just that if you *need* to quit don’t be afraid. Life is too short to not do something just because you’re afraid.
August 19, 2011 1:49 pm
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only two months into a new job, in a new city, and oh yeah, i’m a manager now.
scary.
i’d love to share this with my team- seems like the perfect pep talk.
and my fear- learning to ride a bike with clip ins. i’m terrified of falling off my bike. again. 20 years later. but it’s happening.
August 18, 2011 5:53 am
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not to worry you but I am a triathlete, I ride a road bike and because of horrible balance I have to fall way more than I would like. It isn’t as bad as the fear of falling is.
August 18, 2011 7:58 pm
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I love this whole post (having once wept my way up a ropes course…).
But my favorite bit, the part that hit me in the gut was
“You’re going to.”
Not “you should,” or “you have to,” or even “yes, you can.” But a quiet confidence that simply wipes everything away except belief that you will.
That’s good mentoring. Thanks again for posting.
August 18, 2011 5:56 am
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Thank you for sharing this. You couldn’t have written this on a more appropriate day for me to read. So, thank you thank you.
I’m currently at a place in my life where my career has become the platform, and, God am I afraid of heights. I don’t remember how I got to be so trapped, but here I am. Can’t grab the trapeze bars, can’t climb down the latter, won’t jump off the platform, either. I’m just really happy that my spot coach is my incredibly practical husband, and that he’s not some form of gravitational pull towards failure and/or complacency, OR a proverbial ball-and-chain, or some such poetic thing like that.
August 18, 2011 5:58 am
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Husbands as spot coaches. I love that image. That’s really what mine is. When I’m freaking out he calmly asks “what’s the worst that can happen?” And then I go off about how we’ll have to sell body parts and children to finish paying for my degree and he helps me see how that is irrational and then I am able to do what I need to do.
August 18, 2011 9:16 am
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Cause it makes sense in your head to sell your kidney, right? RIGHT!?
Haha, amen, friend. Amen.
August 18, 2011 7:06 pm
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Oh wow. This is amazing. One thing I really admire about you is that you continually face your fears and take giant leaps into the unknown. Your courage is very inspiring.
August 18, 2011 6:02 am
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How exciting!
So much of this post resonated with me – because you are absolutely correct. We do get complacent once we lose the security net of our parents and have to toe the water on our own. As kids, who cares if there are sharks? We lack complete knowledge and understanding something awful could happen; an adult will fix any problem that comes up – if any at all. But when adulthood’s responsibility slams you in the face? That body of water is infinitely more daunting. Who would rescue us? We know now parents and adults aren’t as fearless as our adolescent brain convinced.
I think this is why I love these posts and the follow-ups to you going into self-employment. Such a huge leap of faith was required – metaphorically & (today) literally. To see someone do it who isn’t a multimillionaire protected by daddy’s money? Who isn’t totally out of touch with the “every day” man & woman?
Superbly awesome.
August 18, 2011 6:11 am
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One of the awesome (and super scary things) about becoming a parent is realizing you’re going to have to face your fears for your child’s sake.
I grew up in a city and never really learned to swim or bike ride. Both of those things make me uncomfortable to greater or lesser degrees. But I’ll be damned if I let that hold me back from strapping on a helmet and showing my kid how to ride a bike. Or getting in the ocean with them.
August 18, 2011 7:03 am
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It feels different for me as opposed to for my child. My daughter will be 4 in less than a month ( :( :( :( ) and I have no problem getting out there for her. It’s for me that becomes the problem – and I think that’s true for a lot of people. We don’t want to change things that we know are currently working and supporting our family because the way things are work – we aren’t struggling to pay the bills, we can put food on the table, go out if we like, etc. If I were to say – leave this job and pursue what I really want to do, I’m looking at a pay cut, where things would be infinitely more difficult. My commute might change, impacting the amount of time my daughter stays at daycare. There is a myriad of things that hinder me from diving out on my own.
I think a lot of parents struggle with this especially. We don’t want to do something that would jeopardize our children’s quality of life, etc, and end up refraining.
I’d really love to learn how to break this cycle, little by little.
August 18, 2011 7:12 am
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This is resonating with me so much today as I’m turning in my resume to apply for a new job. I realize what’s taken me so long is inertia and the fear of leaving the job I’ve been in for over six years (a job I really cannot stand most of the time). Thanks for the encouragement.
August 18, 2011 6:20 am
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A trapeze workshop? That’s cool! And you’re so right Meg. Doing things that scare us is one of the most exhilarating things in life – it lets us experience the sublime (Edmund Burke wrote fascinating things about that feeling of utter ‘aliveness’, if you’re interested).
My life as it is has plenty of discomfort-zone activities in it. Sold my house so I could move in with my fiance, knowing I wouldn’t be able to buy another one. Getting married somewhat soon and moving half way across the world a while later, which means abandoning my career and finding a new one (as a freelancer?)… And those are only the big things. They don’t include things like teaching myself computer programming, starting an exercise regime and a whole host of other outside-of-my-comfort zone activities.
Feels good!
August 18, 2011 6:21 am
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I did Trapeze lessons too – though wasn’t as brave as I wanted to be and didn’t make the catch (but I did hang upside down by my knees!) It was on my life list, and since my husband happens to know a lot of trapeze artists, I was able to find the perfect coach. For those of you in PA or NY, I can’t recommend Mary Kelly at http://www.flyschoolcircusarts.com/Fly_School_Circus_Arts/Welcome.html
highly enough.
She is my friend, true, but is an awesome teacher and accomplished aerialist. She is no longer on a Ringling Bros. show and has her own trapeze rig – super fun!
Cheers to doing things that scare you!
August 18, 2011 6:29 am
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Thank you for the inspiring post. It brought me back to Costa Rica. I went there for a college class for my spring break(yes best class ever!) while there I went on zip lines which were nerve wracking at first and I even jumped off the cliff of a small waterfall. I’m petried of heights to the point I hate the Ferris Wheel. I need to get that tattoo idea done that costa rica inspired so i have a constant reminder to live my life more like i did during that trip.
PURA VIDA!
August 18, 2011 6:29 am
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Awesome! I’ve always wanted to do a trapeze class too… I’m going to have to look into that!
Good thoughts to live by though… as adults we really don’t have to face our fears, and we do 100% get out of the habit of doing it. What’s that qoute, something like, “You should do one thing every day that scares you.” We should start that too…
August 18, 2011 6:34 am
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That’s pretty much exactly the same way I feel about rock climbing. I really wanted to try it, though, so even though I’m terrified of heights, we went to an interior climbing facility for my birthday last year. It DID scare the shit out of me. At one point, I stopped about five feet from the top of the 100-foot climbing wall and begged and begged to be let down. I was clinging to the wall, terrified and shaking, and didn’t feel like I could move. They wouldn’t let me until I got to the top, and that turned out to be a good thing. Similarly to you, by the end of the day I was still afraid of it, but I was determined to do it. Over and over. And I did.
Thank you for this post. :)
August 18, 2011 6:38 am
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Cool, Meg! Am I the only one who thought instantly of that Sex and the City episode where Carrie tries out the trapeze? Feeling sheepish about that one.
Also, thank you for sharing that Erica Jong quote! LOVE IT. I am going camping this weekend and I am terrified. Not the same thing I know, but it’s something I’ve never in a million years thought I’d ever agree to do. Yikes! Thanks for this.
August 18, 2011 6:39 am
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You are not the only one. And don’t be sheepish about it either. :-)
August 18, 2011 10:56 am
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Dude! This post comes at the perfect time for me! James and I just went to Noah’s Ark (*ahem* the world’s largest water park, in WI) on Monday and he somehow tricked me into going on a ride that I didn’t realize was scary. (I don’t like roller coasters, and also don’t like scary water slides.) Well, I was clueless going into it, because you couldn’t really see what the slide did, and it had a random/trippy name… Time Warp. (Oooo…)
The longer we waited in line for the ride, the more I started to realize this ride might be big and scary. (Because people don’t wait in lines like that for lame rides.) Then I started to see all the warning signs, “You MUST sit upright with legs straight at all times. Do not lean forward or backward. Do not bend your legs.” … and on… and on… And I started realizing they were warning us for a reason. This must be a BIG SCARY ride. Oh. No.
We’d already been in line forever so I couldn’t turn back. Then we finally got to top and were paired with two young boys (it’s a round, 4-person tube, and the boys didn’t weight enough to go by themselves… they were probably 10 years old, tops – so I figured, if they got this – I GOT THIS).
And off we went. The boys screamed like little girls. I screamed like a little girl. And I was scared sh*tless. I just kept thinking… “Don’t lean forward. Don’t lean back. Keep legs straight… or you will die!!!”
We made it to the end and I was shaking like a leaf … and laughing my head off! I did it! James squeezed my hand and laughed with me. He was so proud of me for going on a big ride. haha. After that, I was brave a few more times that day and went on rides I knew were scary from the start. And I screamed again, and again. And it felt good. :)
August 18, 2011 6:46 am
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Ha! I have a similar experience with Noah’s Arc with a water slide called The Dragon Tail, which is realllllllly high and has realllllllly low sides that you could SO EASILY flop over and it goes reallllllllly fast. I almost had a heart attack, but I did it. Never again, but I did it.
August 18, 2011 7:02 am
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Exactly! I said to J after that one…. I did it! But I’m not doing that one again! Haha
August 18, 2011 7:07 am
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:-D
I HATE roller coasters and most other things that are high, fast, and/or dangerous, but I had a group of friends in high school who all but cured my fear simply by getting me to do crazy shit—like roller coasters, bungee balling, go karting, snorkeling—over and over). And it was SOO worth it. I still hate roller coasters, but I know I can do it, I know I can push through the fear.
Translating this to other, less black and white, areas of my life is still a different story…
August 18, 2011 8:58 am
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I used to hate roller coasters too. I thought, I’m so little and it’s so big.
But my friends pushed me repeatedly to go on roller coasters. I mean, who wants to be the kill joy who sits out every ride? Not me, so I went again and again. And now I’m the kind of person who will wait for the front seat on a ride.
August 18, 2011 11:33 am
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This post (and some of the lovely responses) are JUST what I needed to read today. A year ago I made the terrifying decision to go to grad school on the other side of the country from my then-boyfriend. Yesterday, after three days of driving alone across country, I returned for my final semester away — leaving behind my now-husband at home for the next four months. I was terrified to the point of making myself sick to my stomach this time last year. The terror is gone now, for the most part, but there’s still the fear and uncertainty (and exhilaration) of trying something new, of striking out on my own while still maintaining a strong marriage, of being alone for a little while.
A lot of my fear, leading up to the decision to return to school, had to do with my concern about making the wrong choice. A mistake! Heaven forbid! In actuality, my graduate program wasn’t the best fit for me, and it’s taught me more about what I don’t want to do in life than what I do. But I’m so grateful I made the leap to quit my job and give this a try. I’ve grown so much, individually and as part of a couple, over the last year. My advice now? Do what scares you. And if it doesn’t pan out, or turns out to be the wrong choice, chances are you’ll still come away better for it.
August 18, 2011 6:58 am
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This article perfectly articulates why I moved 5 hours away from the love of my life to attend grad school. He was SO CLOSE to proposing, but when I made that decision, I knew I was putting off engagement/wedding things for at least two years, if not longer.
I’ve barely been here two weeks, and the roaring in my head has not stopped. The guilt has not stopped. But I know I need to chalk the hell outta my hands, “sack up” as my friends say, and just go do it. This will (hopefully) help me provide for my baby family when the time comes, but OOOO CHILD. This ain’t easy. But if it was easy, everybody would have graduate degrees.
I keep a picture in my head of me, my love, and our future children in front of our tiny, ramshackle house in some quiet college town. I’m a nerdy professor, he’s a nerdy computer guy, we have little nerdlings running around, but they have what they need, and so do I. That’s what I’m pushing for, despite the fear, because I can’t ever let my kids know that giving in to fear is the right thing to do. That’s also why I’m forcing myself to get over my paranoia of bicycles – - – gotta get to campus, and Mama don’t have no money for a car!
Here’s to being Brave as Shit. :)
August 18, 2011 6:59 am
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You rock! I always come back to: if the hard stuff was easy, everyone would do it.
August 18, 2011 7:41 am
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I’ve been lurking on this site for a while, but your comment enticed me to reply. Its terrifying as hell going long distance. I did it with my first ever boyfriend, after a year and a half together. Got told by everyone (including my parents) that the chances were we weren’t going to make it. I cried until I fell asleep on the plane. I woke up and cried until I got off the plane. I cried for the first week believing it was all going to fall apart within a few months. We were only in the same country for 1 month out of 18. For the rest of it we were 6,000-12,000 miles apart, with horrible time differences. But we made it. We’re still together. We’re stronger for it. Plus, I got bit on the backside by a tiger cub in South Africa (awesome experience, no injuries or anything) and he had the time of his life in Australia.
What I’m saying is, its incredibly difficult to do what you’re doing. Its terrifying and very brave of you. But it will be worth it. Keep that picture in your head, count down the days until you see him again, and enjoy your time at school!
August 18, 2011 7:44 am
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Isn’t “taming the tiger” a metaphor often used about facing your fears? I love that you got bit in the ass by a tiger cub and it was an awesome experience – you didn’t even need to tame it!
August 18, 2011 10:50 am
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I’ve never heard that one before, but I’m quite liking it! I just found the experience awesome because, well, it was more of a warning bite than anything. I was wearing thick jeans, which helped. I know there was a risk of something worse from the handler’s reaction, but internally I was just thinking of how cool a story it was going to be!
August 18, 2011 11:20 am
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YAY for you. Going long distance is hard, but don’t let anyone tell you you’re not making the right choice. I moved 2,000 away from my now-husband this time last year. I thought I was exactly in your shoes: I felt that I was putting on hold a lot of imminent plans in our life (engagement, marriage) and I was so worried I was going to wreck it all. Mileage may vary, but for us it just clarified so much: Sometimes distance brings everything into focus. Moving away let me know what (and who) I really wanted with a level of certainty I never thought I’d have. (I get anxious trying to order off a dinner menu — too many choices!)
Around the time I was debating whether or not to go back to grad school, a wise friend gave me some incredible advice. She told me that I should think about this decision to go as laying the foundation for the kind of relationship I wanted. Leaving to focus on me and my dreams was a way of proving to myself that both my husband I could have independent, fulfilling dreams later in life — that our relationship could be stronger because we knew how to be independent as well as how to be a couple. So when you’re a nerdy professor, and maybe want to take some two-month sabbatical on the other side of the world for your research? You’ll know you can do it.
Good luck. It’ll be hard, but you’re going to come out feeling so strong on the other side.
August 18, 2011 12:21 pm
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Nerdlings!
August 18, 2011 2:17 pm
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I love this! I’ve been pushing us lately to get out and do things not in our rut, and this post hit the nail on the head as to why I’ve been doing it. It’s because I want us to widen our comfort zone. I want to face my fears (most of which are social).
That’s something that I love about a partner and friends: they often DO make me go out of my comfort zone as an adult.
August 18, 2011 7:03 am
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“That’s something that I love about a partner and friends: they often DO make me go out of my comfort zone as an adult.”
This is awesome, and something I sometimes fear about my partner and friends. No comfort zone pushing whatsoever. But I’m trying to take my awareness of that to do the pushing myself—expanding my circle of friends (like to include you lovely ladies), and encouraging the boy to get out of his comfort zone. Still, sometimes I feel totally surrounded by complacency (friends), and/or talk with no action (partner), and it’s a bit frustrating/exhausting.
August 18, 2011 9:05 am
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For me, part of the push in regards to friends is actually MAKING friends I wouldn’t normally make. Or encouraging Carson to be friendly with more than his core group.
So you’re on it already. :)
August 18, 2011 9:09 am
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Meg, did you know that in another tiny, tiny corner of the universe, I had already mashed you and trapeezeing together? You two were destined for each other. So go make that catch. Cause now I can do 18 push-ups, and as you can see, you were a little bit of inspiration. http://linseykitchens.com/2011/02/25/star-hauling/
Keep on climbing up that rickety ladder, girlfriend!
August 18, 2011 7:04 am
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This. I needed this. I have been waffling between looking for a new job and staying at my current one, even though my current job is dead end. I keep thinking, what if something goes wrong? What if I can’t make it? But I will never know until I try!!!
Congrats on the trapeze! It looks awesome!
August 18, 2011 7:06 am
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Great post! Reminds me of my favorite quotation ever:
A life lived in fear is a life half-lived.
August 18, 2011 7:17 am
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“…as adults, we have the ability to stay in our comfort zone. We don’t even have to push ourselves to do little brave things, like going dancing. We can easily surrender to inertia, not leave the house, not leave the couch, not leave our job, not change our lives. We’re not forced to try new things, and when we stop being brave, we forget how to do it. When we stop being brave we forget that the fear of trying something new is almost always worse than actually doing something new. When we stop practicing pushing through the fear, we forget that the fear is a lie, not the truth.”
Thank you, Meg and Becca, for your wise thoughts. I know I will continue to be inspired by this post in the coming days, weeks, and months as I continue trying to build a life and community here in the city where I now live with my husband. I feel like I have set up camp up on the platform for a long time now, thinking about chalking up, while waiting on other necessary stuff to fall into place (like immigration). But now, there is nothing standing between me and mid-air except myself, so I guess it is time to chalk up, jump, and see what happens.
August 18, 2011 7:22 am
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Fantastic! Ladies, this is wonderful. Meg I love how you describe the trapeze experience. How you can still have the shakes and the sweaty palms in the midst of it but it does get easier with much repetition.
I have just given notice to my office job with nothing lined up. My guts were a wreck that day. This isn’t the first time I’ve done such a thing and it’s still scary as hell. I am mentally worrying less however and just being with the raw fear. In September I’m traveling with my future husband to Western Mongolia to trek around and stay with nomads and visit people who live with golden eagles. Then we’re getting married and moving to the Bay Area from Brooklyn. I hope to see you, Meg, at Trapeze Arts in Oakland then!
Thanks for the sisterhood everyone!
August 18, 2011 7:44 am
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I want to leave my soul-crushing job but my almost-husband is a marginally employed grad student. I’m not afraid to do scary things (sign up for a half marathon not yet able to run a full mile, travel to foreign countries without a plan or map, etc.) but I suddenly feel like I’m being selfish because it’s the two of us now.
August 18, 2011 7:48 am
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Maybe you could look for another job while you stay where you are? That way you give yourself the opportunity of leaving the job you’re in. Its not selfish to leave a job that makes you unhappy. In fact, you’ll probably become happier in all areas of life it. Which will only benefit your relationship!
August 18, 2011 8:08 am
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Ahhhhh… I’m crying at work. I love this I love this I love this. Thank you
August 18, 2011 7:50 am
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I was talking to an old friend recently and reflecting on how I feel like I’ve lost my sense of fearlessness. Doing thngs alone never used to terrify me. I used to love to talk to strangers, offer my thoughts without tamping down content that could ruffle feathers, wear things that could others to raise their eyebrows. I used to apply for new jobs and go on interviews simply because I liked to engage in the exercise of considering new possibilities. Yet, slowly along
the way, I’ve begun to pull back becoming meek in situations where once would have been bold, plagued by the fear that anything different is going too scary to face. It is as though my bravery musle, atrophied from lack of use has forgotten how to push away the fear. As Meg said, it is as though I’ve forgotten that the fear is a lie, not the truth.
August 18, 2011 7:56 am
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“It is as though my bravery musle, atrophied”
I was just saying this to someone! My motto used to be “Do one thing every day that scares you” (Eleanor Roosevelt). I went skydiving, spoke in front of huge groups of people, did contact improv dance, etc. And now… I’m not sure why… but my motto seems to be “don’t rock the boat!” I don’t know if it’s age or what (I did have a misguided-but-empowering sense of invulnerability in my late teens/early twenties ;)), but I’d like to get some of that bravery back.
August 18, 2011 8:27 am
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Sorry for the typo in muscle. I know those are annoying.
August 18, 2011 9:09 am
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I thought I messed up the copy&paste, but caught it too late. Knew what you meant, though. :)
August 18, 2011 9:33 am
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The support of APW sponsors, my sister and this community got me to leave my full time to pursue officiating- I am terrified and excited. But, as my wonderful man pointed out, the way I get when I start thinking about/.talking about officiating is all the proof I need that I’m doing the right thing.
I’ve really felt that comfort zone rut recently- but last night I decided I wanted to relearn Algebra and Calc and went and bought myself a book. I’m learning to sail- I love it! And even a terribly mean instructor reminded me of what I can do– fight for myself, advocate for ME. I also lifted weights for the first time ever last week, and turns out..I love it and am really..sort of awesome at it. (“You’re so much stronger than I thought! I’m so impressed”-thanks manfriend!) And I just bought running shoes because this girl is going to start running.
I drive but not on highways yet- I am insisting on learning this soon. I have my license, I want to drive all place.
I am pushing myself because I don’t want to live in fear. I am capable of many, many things- I do not want to be limited by my fears/anxieties!
August 18, 2011 8:17 am
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I love calculous. that is all.
August 18, 2011 3:46 pm
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This post made me tear up. I would like to print it out and carry it around in my back pocket for ever. Maybe I should just tattoo the whole thing on my forearm!
I have lots of scary emotional baggage around going to the gym, and I recently joined a really beautiful women’s-only gym (with a spa whilrpool in the locker rooms!) and I’m really trying to make the gym a happy place. Thanks for the reminder that facing my fears is always worth it!
Seriously, thanks for sharing this experience with us, Meg.
August 18, 2011 8:23 am
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I’m glad you went through with it, shaking legs and all.
I ran away with the circus (for awhile) and it was the scariest thing I have ever done, moreso than moving across an ocean. I didn’t do anything as dramatic as the flying trapeze, but I did train a bit on another aerial act (the web) and something my friends/coaches told me seems to resonate with this post.
I was (and still am) terrified of heights and the aerial training I undertook was done without a safety harness. While physical strength is a must, mental strength was the hard part for me. It took me over a month of working everyday just to get myself a few feet off the ground. I was sure that I would fall and kill myself so I wouldn’t climb any higher. I blamed physical weakness. This is what they said, ‘You won’t fall. Your body won’t let you fall. You can’t fall.’ This from a woman who broke her back falling from a trapeze. And while this may not be true in reality, it seemed to make a difference and within a few days, I was almost to the top of the tent.
If we trust ourselves and leap, we have to trust that we won’t let ourselves fall. At the risk of sounding like an Oprah special or self-help book, we have the ability to be our own safety harness.
August 18, 2011 8:26 am
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As crazy as that lady was saying “your body won’t let you fall” it’s too true. I’m a gymnast and when other women (yes, women, GO adult gymnastics) are scared of their hands completely missing the beam (a semi-valid fear I suppose) I always say “you’re body won’t let you do that. you’re gymnastics intuition will take over and you’ll be fine.”
Not that this is really related to the topic, but that lady, she’s totally right.
August 18, 2011 9:57 am
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I dunno, I actually think it’s completely spot-on the topic. I think a lot of things that scare us, even valid fears, really are that way–whether it’s in the literal sense or the figurative one, our bodies won’t let us fall. Good stuff to remember. And adult gymnastics? WIN!
August 21, 2011 4:02 am
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Thanks for reminding me to get back to that list I’ve been ignoring! And it’s true, I really do feel most alive after learning something new, unexpected, and absolutely terrifying. Plus, getting to check something off my life list is the most satisfying feeling of accomplishment that I have found thus far in my adult life. (I miss those trophies we used to get every time we did something good as children….)
Also, I totally did the trapeze on the Santa Monica pier last summer, and even though I felt like I was going to pass out the first few passes, I did the catch at the end, and it was really amazing!!! I never thought I would be able to do something like that, and I think I smiled for two weeks afterward. You should definitely go back for it!
August 18, 2011 8:46 am
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For me, this was parasailing. As I got older, the fear crept in more and more – of completely random things, like swimming in the ocean (which I had done forever). My boyfriend at the time called me out on it (because I was trying to convince him not to go windsurfing because I was convinced he would DIE) and I decided to go parasailing just to, you know, show him he was wrong.
I got out on the boat and the terror set in. I was supposed to be the first up and totally passed, told them I wouldn’t do it at all. And then this tiny little girl, probably 12, happily got in the harness and was hauled out into that huge blue sky, swinging her legs and laughing with her dad (who was with her). And I was like, damn it, I won’t be shown up by a 12-year-old and promptly said I was up next. My heart was in my throat but it was awesome and beautiful.
And I love that quote Erin posted above – that courage is an acquired taste. Because it is. Since the parasailing, I’ve sort of implemented a system where if I feel squeemish about something – I’m just going to do it, by god. And it turns out I love sky diving and scuba diving and road biking and a ton of other stuff I never would have tried otherwise.
Although not trapeze – that just hurt my hands. ;-)
August 18, 2011 8:52 am
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“Swinging in space is less terrifying than standing on the platform waiting.”
Amen!!
I regularly (yearly) set goals for myself. If I didn’t do that then I wouldn’t have tried out for community theater (the goal was to audition, not get cast, I just managed to get cast several times), learned to belly dance (and you wouldn’t believe how often that skill comes in handy), or applied for and finished one graduate degree and now working on a second.
It’s good to always be asking yourself what you want to do next, where you want to go, what do you want to learn. I’d really like to learn hip hop, mainly because the image of a mid-30s white woman doing hip hop cracks me up.
August 18, 2011 9:07 am
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This might just be the article I cut (err, print) out and carry around with me forever.
<3
August 18, 2011 9:08 am
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I needed to hear this today. I have the opportunity to completely change my life right now, and I’m not sure exactly what to do. It should be freeing but right now it is terrifying.
August 18, 2011 9:19 am
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I used to take trapeze lessons for a few years in junior high. It’s such a rush! Glad to hear that you gave it a try! I think it’s someone everyone should try at least once. I even got my 60-year-old dad to give it a shot! I could use a nice swing over the net right now to get my mind off of wedding planning! :)
August 18, 2011 9:31 am
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Congrats Meg!!
I actually did have an aerial arts class in lieu of a more traditional bachelorette party! It was so much fun and such a perfect way to spend time with my female friends and family, celebrate our relationships, and say goodbye to single life. In addition to not facing our fears, I think that we as adults do not allow ourselves enough time to simply PLAY.
I have been reading this site for nearly two years without commenting, but wanted to finally take the time to thank you for your wonderful work, Meg. Your site was so inspiring and supportive when I was engaged and wanting to create a wedding that really felt true to my (now) husband and me. I continue to read it, especially the reclaiming wife and working for yourself posts as I can relate to both!
Thanks for doing what you do.
August 18, 2011 9:54 am
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My palms were sweating the entire time you were describing your experience. I have also become a victim of my own fears. I once jumped out of an airplane! Now, I was 18 at the time and I don’t know if I could do it again (10 years later). But the same thing as you, leaning out of that airplane was the worse part. Once your out and falling, its quite exhilerating and I had a total blast. Kudos to you for pushing past your fear!
August 18, 2011 10:09 am
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I totally sent this post to the hubs-to-be (in 3 weeks, 2 days… not that I’m counting!) — We decided that on our mini-break after the wedding, we’re going to sit down together, and try to create some ideas for our hopes/dreams/thoughts/ideas once the wedding is over, and see if we can implement some of this feeling in to our lives… which are a bit consumed by the final wedding planning stage right now.
I think we’ve both been feeling “antsy” due to general malaise with life/jobs/etc (stress created by planning, perhaps?), so this was a great reminder.
Thanks so much Meg!
August 18, 2011 10:18 am
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there is a trapeze school that comes to DC every year, and every year I say “someday I want to do that!!” someday I will. maybe next time it comes around..!
thanks for always reminding us to push ourselves, and that the scariest things are usually the most worthwhile. you are doing so much GOOD here.
August 18, 2011 10:21 am
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DDay, there is a trapeze school that lives in DC every day of the year. It’s called TSNY, and it’s down in Navy Yards, a couple blocks from Nats Stadium. And it’s awesome, and in addition to flying trapeze, you can take classes in silks, static trapeze, lyra and trampoline….
August 18, 2011 11:07 am
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why did I think it was a temporary thing?? wasn’t there something that used to set up in the old convention center lot? or did I make that up. well thanks! you’ve just taken away all my excuses..!
August 18, 2011 12:24 pm
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DC’s TSNY (they also have schools in NY, Boston, LA and Chicago) was originally based in Baltimore. When the moved down to DC a couple years ago, they were in a temporary location in the old convention center lot. But they were able to procure a more permanent location in SE. They’ve built a (heated and air-conditioned) tent that offers classes all year, and in the warmer months they also offer classes at an outdoor rig.
And no problem! If it’s something you’ve always wanted to try, I say take the (literal) leap. The staff is amazing and supportive… I promise I don’t work there and no one pays me to say these nice things! I just think it’s a great organization.
August 18, 2011 1:10 pm
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