A few weeks ago, when I wrote about going dancing, I was completely bowled over by the response. It turns out that lots and lots of us had the need to put on our uncomfortable shoes and get out of the house. It seemed we just needed a reminder, a motivation, a kick in the pants. That same week, I was down in L.A. and had a long talk with Becca of A Los Angeles Love about the response to the post. Why had that post hit a nerve? What was going on? Her theory was simple and really resonated with me. She pointed out that, as adults, we have the ability to stay in our comfort zone. We don't even have to push ourselves to do little brave things, like going dancing. We can easily surrender to inertia, not leave the house, not leave the couch, not leave our job, not change our lives. We're not forced to try new things, and when we stop being brave, we forget how to do it. When we stop being brave we forget that the fear of trying something new is almost always worse than actually doing something new. When we stop practicing pushing through the fear, we forget that the fear is a lie, not the truth.
So, last week, APW Editor Kate and I went on a long-planned trapeze outing. It was to celebrate the end of writing the book. We'd picked trapeze because I'd made a promise to myself to knock trapeze off my life list this year. In fact, let me back up fifteen years or so. When I was in high school, the L.A. Times Magazine ran an article about a Bay Area girl who'd fallen in love with the trapeze and had run off to join the circus (literally, she was touring Eastern Europe). I cut the article out and carried it with me for the next ten years. It wasn't exactly the trapeze part that caught in my heart, but the idea that she'd abandoned a conventional life to do something that made her feel like she could fly. And that she'd found her family there. This is something I've worked hard to do, in various ways, my whole life.
I'd wanted to try the trapeze for a long, long, time. It just so happens that I'm also rather afraid of heights. And to do the flying trapeze, you have to climb up to a platform (without a harness) that is the equivalent height of a third floor fire escape. Then you get harnessed up, lean into open space, and grab the bar. And then you have to jump off.
Mostly what I can tell you about is my overwhelming terror. About the difficulty of climbing a teeny tiny ladder with no harness when your legs are shaking. About chalking my hands and my feet because I was sweating all over, and I didn't want to slip. About the instructor telling me to lean out over the warehouse of cavernous space and grab the bar of the trapeze with both hands. About saying, "I can't," and her really calmly replying, "You're going to," and me saying, "Ok." About how I just pushed through all the fear and jumped off the platform into mid-air.
I'd like to tell you that I found it to be shockingly free, swinging from that trapeze, but I found it to be abjectly terrifying. And then I had to let go and fall into the net. And then I had to flip from the net onto the floor. And then I felt like throwing up, but I didn't. And Kate told me, well you did that, you don't have to do it again. And I shook my head grimly, chalked up, climbed the ladder again, and jumped. Over, and over, and over.
The instructor asked me if I was starting to have fun, and I told her no, I was just trying to get over my abject terror. And I did. By the end of the night I had ramped down to just garden variety terror. After my last trip to the net, I announced, "That wasn't the most terrible thing I've ever done." And everyone cheered.
And yet, I want to go back. Because unlike Kate, above, who isn't mortally scared of heights, I didn't swing upside down. And I didn't do a catch. And I'd like to.
But mostly, I feel like I need to go back to master the fear, to finish accomplishing something I really want to do. Because the truth is, I've always been afraid of things. A short list of things I used to be mortally terrified of as a child, that I'm now reasonably accomplished at, include:
- Being in the same room with a kitty-cat
- Sleeping with the light off
- Jumping off the diving board
- Being underwater
- Rollerskating
- Riding a bike without training wheels
- Being admonished in Ballet class
Because when you're a kid, you have to get over your fears. People make you. And as an adult it's easy to stay complacent. To stay where we know we are safe. But the only reason I was able to jump off that platform is that years ago I did a high ropes course. I was a counselor at an arts camp, and I was required to do it. I hated it. I refused to participate at first. And when I finally got up on the ropes, and pushed through the fear, it was amazing. I didn't want to get down. I realized that the doing of the thing isn't the hard part; it's the pushing through the fear that is the hardest.
So when the instructor calmly told me that I had to lean out over the cavernous space and grab the bar, I knew she was right. I had to do it, to push past the roaring in my head and the shaking in my legs. I had to grab the bar, and I had to jump. Because that's what being alive is.
So go do something brave. Jump. The best I can tell you is that swinging in space is less terrifying than standing on the platform waiting.
(All pictures taken at Trapeze Arts in Oakland, which I can't recommend enough. They don't let you wallow in fear there. Also? This would be the best bachelorette party of all time. Maybe even better than mine. You're welcome.)
Reading this with tears in my eyes. I could feel your fear as I read through it, my hands were shaking too. Awesome Meg, very empowering!!
August 18, 2011 10:31 am
Report this comment
|
Ah. Love this.
August 18, 2011 10:36 am
Report this comment
|
I’m terrified of drowning, and I absolutely hate swimming with my head underwater because I hate holding my breath. So, in college, I forced myself to take Scuba. It was horrifying! We had to swim a certain distance without taking a breath (took me the longest to master of anyone in the class), we had to stay under for a certain amount of time while sharing a tank with someone (I had to try so hard not to bogart the thing and kill my partner!). Slowly, I got more comfortable. BUT, when it was time to leave the college pool and go into a lake to do the real thing, the first time I went under, WAY under, and looked up at how much water was crushing down on me, I immediately hyperventilated. I couldn’t keep breath, and I pointed up over and over trying to get the instructor to let me go. And you know what he did? He handed me a pretty moss covered rock. Then pointed at a fish. And I forgot all about being scared and went “Ooooo….pretty!” So yes, push through, it will be worth it, even if you stay terrified, just to know that yes, you did that. You were brave even though you were scared.
August 18, 2011 10:36 am
Report this comment
|
Cheers to you!!!
I, too, suffer from a silly-ridiculous fear of heights. And one thing I do that terrifies the sh*t out of me is get on a chairlift every winter just so I can satisfy my need to snowboard. It’s not the rush I get from tearing through powder (though that’s pretty freaking rad) it’s being dangled above hundred-foot shear cliffs that terrifies and yet empowers me. And I have to force myself to reach those new heights (literally) because I do have the option of just doing gondola laps all day, but the view isn’t the same, the pitch isn’t the same and the terror isn’t the same.
August 18, 2011 10:59 am
Report this comment
|
We are the same person.
Do you know how many times I’ve been knocked in the head by a chair lift because I was too terrified to let go at the top and apparently it doesn’t slow down just because you have a death grip on the seat?
True story.
August 18, 2011 2:20 pm
Report this comment
|
Maddie, this made me laugh out loud! So sweet. And no worries, I sometimes contemplate just riding around again :)
August 19, 2011 12:59 pm
Report this comment
|
Perfect timing- check out this article in the NYTimes about women doing very similar things: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/18/fashion/the-group-mice-at-play-caters-to-lives-of-overscheduled-new-york-women.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
August 18, 2011 11:33 am
Report this comment
|
Aw, I can’t let a post on one of my all-time favorite things go up and not chime in.
Trapeze is amazing. In my first few classes, I learned a really profound lesson about listening. I was listening to my coach, but I was also trying to control the situation, which is basically impossible — you’re hanging 30 feet in the air, there’s a person controlling you via the lines attached to your belt, and you have no idea what the f*ck you’re doing. When I tried to think it through on my own, I failed.
But then I figured out that if I just really listened to my coach, and trusted him, it would happen. And it did! Instead of fighting gravity I was using it to help me through. My coach knew all these things about flying I didn’t know, about timing and gravity and the physics of the swing, and by really listening to him, I learned them to. When he said “Hep” I jumped off the board, when he said “Legs up” I tucked my legs, etc. And that was the beginning of me learning how to fly. But the very first step was learning to listen.
Listening is more than just not talking, or hearing the words coming out of someone’s mouth. Listening, really really listening, requires you to let go a bit. The only way to learn from anyone is to accept that they might know something you don’t, which means you have to stop thinking your old thoughts for a minute and let their words in. If those words have merit, and you’re lucky, they will take root and you’ll be wiser than you were before. THAT’s listening.
I’ve been flying for three years, and I’m still trying to master both listening and flying. But I’m better at them than I used to be!
August 18, 2011 11:33 am
Report this comment
|
is this the same Emily who told me about the DC trapeze school on the previous page? (and the same Emily I met at the very first bookclub meetup..? by chance?) this is a really excellent comment. “And that was the beginning of me learning how to fly.” ..I must put myself in the position to be able to say this, some day soon. I will look into this DC place!
August 18, 2011 12:35 pm
Report this comment
|
Same Emily who replied to your comment on the previous page, but different from the book club meetup Emily… going to an APW book club is, for me, one of those scary things I want to do but haven’t worked up the courage for. Yet. But if you can get past your trapeze excuses, surely I can overcome my “but I don’t know anyone!” book club excuses.
August 18, 2011 1:14 pm
Report this comment
|
DUDE. How is an APW book club more scary than flying trapeze??? I rest my case.
August 18, 2011 3:51 pm
Report this comment
|
Hahahahaha! Leaning over the cavernous space is so much scarier when the space is METAPHORICAL, Meg. Duh. ;)
August 18, 2011 4:59 pm
Report this comment
|
I have jumped through walls (drywall, but still) and thrown myself all over the place 8 feet off the ground *testing* rigging for a movie set. Those were nothing compared to even picking out an outfit for an APW meetup.
August 18, 2011 7:03 pm
Report this comment
|
awww please come sometime! you could come to the party this Sunday and bring your partner or a friend or something! we can just talk about the trapeze school the whole time.
https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=214399905276911
August 19, 2011 7:35 am
Report this comment
|
Ummm can we get an APW learning to fly in DC day? I will haul my ass down there from PA for a day for that.
August 18, 2011 1:54 pm
Report this comment
|
that. is a great idea. for next year though. I am too broke for the rest of this year.
August 19, 2011 7:37 am
Report this comment
|
Thanks for the inspiration! Every time I start to get nervous about the choices I’m making (hopefully starting grad school next fall) or start to listen to my fears, I love that I can come here and get inspired by smart women going through something similar. Thanks APW for the inspiration and aspiration!
August 18, 2011 12:18 pm
Report this comment
|
I did this for my bachelorette party this past spring in DC. It was absolutely awesome. It was so wonderful to bring all of my ladies together and have everyone face a little fear together. There was something very symbolic about stepping off that platform and just having to trust: trust in the bar, trust in the ropes, trust in the net, and trust in yourself. It was fantastic and outrageous and sooooo much better than the strip-club-bachelor-party that the menfolk were attending.
August 18, 2011 1:11 pm
Report this comment
|
This post comes with such great timing. I’m currently 18 days away from moving to Hawaii (from Texas) and I’m terrified! I’ve never been there and there’s so much to do still and it’s such a huge, risky, scary thing. It’s going to put us in a somewhat precarious financial position and separate me from my husband and dogs for two months. I used to be scared of everything when I was younger, and then in college I did a 180 and turned into a total thrill seeker. I’ve calmed down (in my ripe old age of 24 :-P) lately, but still have little problem facing fear of heights/roller coasters/etc because I KNOW it will be ok, even if I don’t feel it. Moving to a totally new place and leaving people I know and love behind, while scary, still feels doable to me. I did it when I moved to Texas from Georgia two years ago. Even joining the army when I was 19 was scary, but not on this level.
The thing that has always paralyzed me is financial risk. I worry about going completely broke and screwing up my family’s finances for the foreseeable future. I worry about getting into debt. I worry about not being able to work from home when I have kids one day, like I’ve always wanted to do. I worry about not being able to live the life I want to live because I’m too busy working lame jobs to get by. But in reality, that’s sort of what I’m doing right now, only with a safe number in the bank account. Deciding to move to Hawaii was the scariest decision I’ve ever made and I think it was for my husband too. But we’re doing it! And now I’m just holding on for the ride and trying to remember to keep breathing. Thank you for reminding me that plenty of other people do scary things and it turns out just fine!
August 18, 2011 1:14 pm
Report this comment
|
I can imagine how terrifying that must be… but that’s awesome. Good for you. :)
August 18, 2011 2:03 pm
Report this comment
|
Thank you! It’s so great to have a community of fantastic women who don’t even know each other in real life be so supportive of each other!
August 19, 2011 7:14 am
Report this comment
|
“I worry about not being able to live the life I want to live…”
Yes, I find this scary. Largely because I am not sure exactly how to make the life I want to live a reality. And because my dreams have changed a little over the last years (which I think is a good thing.) But I guess one step at a time is an okay approach…?
August 19, 2011 8:10 am
Report this comment
|
I am a walking ball of anxiety – have been for most of my life. The worst part about it is I put on a really brave face for the rest of the world, so one of the things people constantly say about me is that I’m so strong and so sure of myself. Mostly, it leaves me feeling like very few people in the world really know me. That’s my own doing, but it certainly comes from a place of fear. It also comes from my mother. I love her dearly, obviously, but she makes me sad. My mother is married and has nothing outside of her marriage. She has a spent a lifetime not making friends, not meeting new people or following up on requests to hang out. She is always waiting around for someone to call her or schedule time with her. She has ZERO confidence in herself and doing things outside of sitting at home with my father. He has friends, he has hobbies. When he’s out, she just sits around waiting for him, complaining that he would rather spend time doing “x” than with her. I spent a long childhood trying to parent her, and now that I’m grown and trying to end that, I still think of how sad it is for her to not have any friends. She loves to knit, does it all the time, which mostly too comes from a place of anxiety, but it’s become a good hobby for her. But it is still a solitary one. She is AFRAID, and it has paralyzed her. One of the reasons I put myself in therapy my freshman year of college (still in it now almost 10 years later) was because I didn’t want to end up like that… it always hurts to say (or write) that. It sounds cruel. But I want a life outside of my marriage, outside of my eventual children, and outside of my job. I don’t want to be paralyzed by fear, and I have PLENTY of fears. My fiancé thinks its adorable, but I’m moving to a place where I’m done being “cute” and instead of want to be strong and unafraid. So here’s my list of fears:
- spiders (there was one in my classroom today and not only did I not scream but I also didn’t kill it. He’s still there)
- being alone (this is a HUGE barricade for me that I’m working over)
- not being good enough (also insert smart, nice, pretty, thin in for good)
- being disliked or having someone angry at me
- clowns (I can now see one on TV without screeching, but I still do not like circus music and cannot see them in person)
So here’s to working on strength, confidence, life outside of whatever, and above all, squashing our fears.
August 18, 2011 2:18 pm
Report this comment
|
If it makes you feel better, I have an anxiety condition. Sometimes I just think it makes you braver, because you have to face fears every single day.
August 18, 2011 3:53 pm
Report this comment
|
So many things that you’ve said resonate so much with me; THANK YOU for putting all of that into words. And I raise my metaphorical glass to all of what you’ve proposed. %) Lots of good wishes for letting go of being your mom’s parent.
August 19, 2011 7:51 am
Report this comment
|
OMG.
Meg, you lost me at … “you have to climb up to a platform (without a harness) that is the equivalent height of a third floor fire escape.”
I used to think it would be fun until you said that. :(
The “shaking legs” was the final nail in the coffin. ;)
August 18, 2011 4:26 pm
Report this comment
|
BRILLIANT. Awesome. As someone who herself has an IMMENSELY HUGE fear of heights, I applaud you! And I’m in awe of what you did. Because truthfully, I got nauseated and clammy just looking at the photos *knowing* you were WAAAAAAAY up in the sky. BTW: you have great form flyin’ through the air with the greatest of ease. ;-)
This is a great post and it couldn’t come at a better time. One of my dear friends who is a college professor and psychologist just asked me to come speak at her cultural diversity class about my experience growing up as a Jehovah’s Witness, living now with zero contact from my family as an ex-JW, and how that experience has shaped my life and decisions.
I’ve been nauseated and clammy ever since reading her e-mail. I want to say no. I can’t tell a room full of complete and total strangers (30 – 40 strangers, but who’s counting), that a religion and faith that professes to save lives nearly claimed my own. No f*cking way.
And then I read your post, Meg. Looked at your pictures… Realized that lots of people have their fears, too and yet – are courageous enough to face them anyway. So, I’m now feeling like I *COULD* tell that room full of strangers what I went through. Even though it will probably make me feel vomitous… it could also make me stronger. Which is a lot better than sitting here, feeling mad at myself, wrestling with my fear when I have the chance to stand up and say in my own voice: I MADE it. I’m here. And I’m better than all the crap I went through.
Thank you, Meg. Truly. XO
August 19, 2011 9:28 am
Report this comment
|
[...] Doing Things That Scare The Sh*t Out Of You: Because, let’s face it, conquering your fears is awesome. And hearing about those who have done it encourages us to take the same action and great. [...]
August 20, 2011 7:31 am
Report this comment
|
Meg, I loved this post. I just finished my first week of law school, which is so fraught with fear. I could hardly breathe before I started. My naturopath told me to take deep breaths, because when we hold our breaths, we can’t move, and then we can’t be open to the world around us. He was more eloquent than that. :) I took lots of deep breaths and plunged in- met new people, spoke up in class, and managed to stop shaking uncontrollably. I’ve been married for two years, and I understand that comfort thing- staying at home, curling up with my partner, enjoying the routine and rhythm that comes from being married. I have to intentionally counter that with self-introduced challenges- whether it’s law school or trapeze class! Way to challenge comfort with LIFE!
August 20, 2011 3:01 pm
Report this comment
|
[...] me a favor. Start here. Meg’s post about doing things we’re afraid of is so well written and [...]
August 21, 2011 7:32 pm
Report this comment
|
Ah, Meg, I love this. You are awesome.
August 23, 2011 3:43 am
Report this comment
|
[...] I read posts like these: Reclaiming Wife: Do Things That Scare the Sh*t Out Of You and read about my coworker spending the next year exploring the US by RV at his aptly named [...]
August 26, 2011 8:10 pm
Report this comment
|
I realize I’m a bit late on commenting on this post, but I had this exact experience this summer, and just wanted to share. Well, when I say I had this exact experience, I don’t mean I went trapezing. But I did find my self in a very scary situation of my own doing, and had to come to terms with my adult fear.
I spend my summers leading wilderness canoe trips in Canada, and every summer there is at least one cliff to jump from, where I send myself flying through the air, splashing down into the water below. It’s always fun and I’ve always taken a bit of pride in my 27-year old ‘bravery.’ But this summer it was different. Late in the summer, I took myself to the edge of a 25-foot cliff and was very surprised to find myself paralyzed with fear. To the point of tears. In my head I was chastising myself for being so afraid because this is something the younger me would have done without a second thought! The longer I stood at the edge, the more complex my thoughts became. I began thinking about my life and all of the ways I overcome my fears everyday, big and small. I knew I could do this. And after 20-minutes, I did. I jumped. It wasn’t even really that fun, but I was glad to have done it.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about my experience of being afraid, and I realize that I wasn’t afraid of jumping off of the cliff. I was afraid of the fear of jumping. For me, this was a powerful realization. I now have the confidence to push myself to do things I’m afraid of because I have an understanding of what I am looking to overcome: the fear of fear.
I loved reading this post, Meg, and all of the comments! Thank you all for your strength and inspiration!
August 31, 2011 10:15 am
Report this comment
|
“Because when you’re a kid, you have to get over your fears. People make you. And as an adult it’s easy to stay complacent. To stay where we know we are safe.” i LOVE this. and try to carry this thought with me every day.
September 4, 2011 5:45 am
Report this comment
|
[...] like, things that scare the sh*t out of me, for instance, sparked a very interesting and thought-provoking late night conversation with my [...]
December 7, 2011 5:30 am
Report this comment
|