reclaiming wife

Caitlin Moran How To Be A Woman

Yesterday I mentioned that I spent a chunk of my vacation rather greedily gobbling up books, and well, I needed to clue you in about one of those books in particular. Thanks to a recommendation from Cate, I snapped up Caitlin Moran’s How To Be A Woman in the Heathrow Airport. We can’t get it easily in the States, but I’d been told it was amazing and contributing to an ongoing discussion of feminism in the media in the UK. (Why don’t we have that Stateside? I want to know!)

So I picked it up, and my mind was blown. Because, you guys, this is one of those rare books that feels like it was written for me in particular. It felt like it was written for you guys in particular. It is a book with our names on it. It is a funny, feminist, honest discussion of what it’s like to be a woman today. It was, rather obviously, the next APW book club pick. I couldn’t help it. It picked itself.

Because here is the thing: I’m a feminist. Obviously. But I’m not a very angry one (unless you get me started on name change and children’s last names on a personal level, and then I’m quite pissed off). I’m more the funny kind of feminist. And there is not anywhere near enough of that going around, if you ask me. So while How To Be A Woman isn’t technically about weddings or marriage (though she touches a bit on both), we’ll be reading it. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to make all of you in the US order it from the UK, because it’s that good.

Specifically, it’s this good:

Caitlin Moran

In case you were wondering how many copies you should buy of a book that you want to give out to everyone (perhaps a sane wedding book by someone you know, coming out at the end of the year?), the answer is five. It would have been more, if I thought I could fit them in our carry-on luggage at Heathrow, but five will do. Because Caitlin Moran says things like this:

However, whilst chipping in your six penn’orth on what it’s actually like—rather than what we pretend it’s like—to be a woman is vital, we still also need a bit of analysis-y, argument-y, ‘this needs to change-y’ stuff. You know. Feminism.

And this:

I don’t know if we can talk about ‘waves’ of feminism any more—by my reckoning, the next wave would be the fifth, and I suspect it’s around the fifth wave that you stop referring to individual waves, and start to refer, simply, to an incoming tide.

But if there is to be a fifth wave of feminism, I would hope that the main thing that distinguishes it from all that came before is that women counter the awkwardness, disconnect and bullshit of being a modern woman not by shouting at it, internalizing it or squabbling about it—but by simply pointing at it, and going ‘HA!’ instead.

And this:

For women, finding a sympathetic, non-judgmental arena is just as important as getting the right to vote. We needed not just the right legislation, but the right atmosphere, too, before we can finally start to found our canons—then, eventually, cities and empires.

And if that’s not what we’re trying to do around these parts, then I don’t know what the hell’s going on around here.

And that’s not even mentioning all the talk about minge, and pants (which I have to endlessly remember means underwear and not trousers), and why you should have babies, and why you shouldn’t have babies, and sexism. And then there is the bit where she posits that, while we can lay the blame for lots of things on the doorstep of men:

Weddings are our fault, ladies. Every aspect of their pantechnicon of awfulness happened on our watch. And you know what? Not only have we let humanity down, but we’ve let ourselves down, too.

And that is why I consider the work of reclaiming weddings that we’re working at here at APW to be fundamentally feminist work. That, and getting drunk worldwide while discussing How To Be A Woman. Feminist life is hard, y’all. You’re welcome in advance.

So pick your date to meetup ladies. There will be plenty to discuss. (For those of you new to this: we pick a date, then in a week or two we’ll use Facebook to plan our worldwide boozy meetups. More about those over here.)

Pictures: By me. Caitlin in a sunset in Greece! Caitlin in a big pile in San Francisco!

151 comments

  1. Amanda writes:

    Yay, I am so excited. Just got the book a week and a half ago or so because some other APW girls were recommending it around. Can’t wait to start the discussion. Actually Meg, for a long I thought we should discuss “The second sex” by Simone de Beauvouir . I loved how she does the complete historic analyses of women’s roles through time and space. But it is not necessarily an easy read.

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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    • Sam writes:

      The Second Sex is HEAVY, man. I read it several times…. once at 14, once a couple years ago. My take: Her conclusions really, really, really does not apply to my experience, though it definitely applied to women of my mother’s generation and probably to women in other cultures — or who simply weren’t/aren’t as privileged as I am/was.

      The historical analysis piece was awesome, though. Really makes me appreciative of what I’ve got.

      Exactly!

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      • Amanda writes:

        I read it when I was 23 or something, and to be completely honest, the historical analysis was what stuck the most, what I still remember and why I think it is worth reading. For the rest, I do not remember thinking it did not apply to me, or getting to me on a personal level, since like you say, our generation probably is more privileged than our mom-s for instance. I guess I read it on a ok, what does she have to say perspective and I thought it was really interesting but did not take everything to the letter.

        Exactly!

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  2. Jo writes:

    YES.

    2 people said "Exactly!"

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  3. Maddie writes:

    I don’t think I’ve been this excited about a book club pick yet.

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  4. Genki writes:

    Hah! Brilliant. I just finished reading it this morning for the second time. I love it and it is laugh out loud hilarious while being meaningful.

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  5. laura writes:

    Yeah! I love caitlin, certainly the best thing about The Times. A great recommendation. Thanks

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  6. Annie writes:

    Grah, I’m out of town the first suggested weekend and getting married the second. I’ll have to pick this up and have an imaginary book club meeting.

    Exactly!

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  7. Shae writes:

    Just placed my order! It sounds great! And now I’ll be crossing my fingers that I’ll be able to make it to the discussion. :)

    Exactly!

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  8. Mallory writes:

    Haha when you go to checkout at the UK site it asks you which address you want to “dispatch” to. In my pre-coffee state this morning, that is hilariously wonderful. Can’t wait to read it!

    4 people said "Exactly!"

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  9. Siobhan writes:

    I love this book. I keep giving it to people. Excellent APW choice.

    Exactly!

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  10. maura writes:

    looks like i’m going to have webster’s next to me when i read it!

    Exactly!

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  11. kara writes:

    Not available at my local library, but I found it on Kindle!

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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    • Ruth writes:

      Any search tips for buying it for a Kindle? I can’t seem to find it. Thanks!

      Exactly!

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      • Hypothetical Sarah writes:

        I don’t see it on the US Amazon site, but the Kindle version is an option on the amazon.co.uk link that Meg posted (http://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Be-Woman-Caitlin-Moran/dp/0091940737). It might be easier to buy it on your computer and then send it to your Kindle.

        Exactly!

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      • H writes:

        That was frustrating. I tried buying the Kindle through Amazon, and it wouldn’t let me because I’m a US customer, and not a UK. Hmph.

        Exactly!

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        • thesasha writes:

          I totally understand the frustration here on this as a reader, but as a person who works for a publishing company that publishes a lot of books brought over from the UK, I have to say–good. We pay a bunch of money for rights to sell a book in the US, sometime only to discover that Amazon has (illegally) been selling it in the US for ages via Kindle, so nobody wants to buy the version we just spent a bunch of money on.

          So that’s why that happens. Nobody is trying to be mean.

          Exactly!

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          • Ophelia writes:

            Sorry, but that sort of thing is exactly why a lot of people just torrent the darn books.

            I just now went to buy the book, but discovered the e-book is £3 more expensive than the paperback.

            Found an illegal download within 5 minutes.

            Honestly, if the e-book were even the same price as the paperback, I’d have bought it.

            2 people said "Exactly!"

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          • meg writes:

            Great. So you stole the author’s work, and you think that’s cool to talk about? Please think about how you place value on things. This could not be less in line with the APW ethos. Someone works their ass off for five months to write a deeply excellent book that kickstarts a discussion of feminism, and you can’t be bothered to pay £3 more to by it in your preferred reading method? So, you decide to steal it? That, my friend, is not excellent on any level.

            5 people said "Exactly!"

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  12. Alia writes:

    Argh, not having a credit card means I can’t order books online and of course my local library doesn’t have it. :( Maybe I’ll have to see if a friend can order me a copy.

    Exactly!

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  13. Jen M writes:

    I want to read this so bad and grad school be damned, I will be at the next book club meeting!

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  14. Cass writes:

    When the price is in pounds, it makes the price of books seem much more reasonable.
    This is dangerous. I will now be ordering way too many books from Amazon UK, because they seem less expensive.

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  15. Kiara writes:

    Yay, this book is amazing. I’ll have to get my copy back from my Mum. Be warned it will give you laughing hysterics in public places. Caitlin’s on twitter where she is also very funny http://twitter.com/#!/caitlinmoran

    Exactly!

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    • lorna writes:

      i met her at the Edinburgh International Book Festival (my copy is signed!) and she is hilarious and lovely in real life too. i wrote an essay about her when i was 16 because dropping out of school to write for a music magazine then getting a column in the Times age 21 was the most inspirational thing i could think of!

      1 person said "Exactly!"

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  16. Ellie writes:

    I’m very excited to see I can order it on Kindle and start reading it in less than a minute, because it looks amazing. Awesomeness!

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  17. Kayakgirl73 writes:

    Anybody know if US Amazon Prime Free Shipping works for Amazon UK?

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    • Mallory writes:

      I have Amazon Prime but it still charged me shipping when I logged in and such. But it’s not too bad. I think the total for the book with shipping was $22 USD.

      Exactly!

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  18. andee writes:

    Done and done! Ordered!

    Exactly!

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  19. Chantelle writes:

    So excited to read this! Toronto ladies, I’m planning on ordering two copies (since I’m gifting one), let me know if you want to piggyback on my order and we can combine shipping-which is still super cheap considering!
    I’m a little shocked, their books are cheaper than amazon.ca- even when conversion is worked in. So great.

    Exactly!

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    • Alia writes:

      Oh, sweet, if you want to order a copy for me as well, and I’ll totally pay you back, that would be fantastic!! You are awesome, Chantelle!

      Exactly!

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  20. Melissa writes:

    I am so excited- I’ve been hearing so many great things about this book! And, it has dawned on me that I’ll be married by the time the book club next meets!

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  21. Me writes:

    This sounds great!

    I shall be quite wroth if ATL ladies don’t get it together. C’mon, y’all!

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  22. Granola writes:

    How much did the shipping turn out to be for those who ordered it from the UK?
    I might try to scrounge up a Kindle I can borrow to avoid them.

    Exactly!

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  23. Marcela writes:

    Hmm…”weddings are our fault”…I am not someone who likes to play the blame/fault game…BUT I will read the book anyway, just because you liked it! It looks like discussions about it are going to be interesting.

    Exactly!

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    • meg writes:

      Well, look, I think they are. I had a long talk with David about it, because I wasn’t sure I agreed. I get up close and personal with the wedding industry, and it’s uglier from the inside than the outside, if that’s possible. And yes, there is something to blame, very clearly. This morass of crazy did not appear in our heads unbidden. But I wasn’t sure. Capitalism gone awry is not something I tend to associate with womankind. But after a long talk, I think I do agree. Almost everyone who works in the wedding industry is female. They (we) are steering the ship, and we are steering it mostly to crazy-land, with some new, rare, and notable exceptions. I think no one else can be blamed, more is the pity.

      Exactly!

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      • Marcela writes:

        I will read the book before commenting, or replying, because I feel that taking only a paragraph from any book may give me the wrong idea about it.
        What I meant, though, is that I am reluctant to talk about “fault”or “blame”, which I find accusatory and the type of discourse that provokes a reaction rather than a reflection. I prefer to talk about responsibility: this is this way, and we don’t like, it is our responsibility to change it because we are the ones making it as it is (by action or by inaction, but making it as it is). It’s not an observation on the substance of the argument, only on the form.

        3 people said "Exactly!"

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  24. Kimberly writes:

    Regardless of the date, I’m gonna be crashing a DC meetup or a New York meetup this time around. Woot woot!

    Exactly!

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  25. Beth writes:

    Annnnddd ordering!

    Exactly!

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  26. Sarah writes:

    *~*~*~*~*CLEVELAND*~*~*~*~*
    This is a call to all of Cleveland and NE Ohio. Get on your shit. I wanna book group so freaking bad and I know this town is chock full of smart broads, so I’m not driving to Columbus. I have faith in you. It’s time to represent. So… if you’re from Cleveland, and you’re reading this, we need to be friends. If you’re not from Cleveland, but you know smart ladies who are, I need you to pass on the love. I’m not taking no for an answer. Don’t make me call your mothers. Don’t make me call my own mother. She can be a very frightening woman.
    Please, please, please, please, please… don’t make me beg. Desperate is not a good look on me. (That’s why I opened with demanding.)
    That is all… for now. I’m watching you, Cleveland. I’m watching you.

    2 people said "Exactly!"

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  27. NF writes:

    SO I just looked to see if any library near me had this book, and found the following three results:

    1. How to be a woman, published in 1954
    2. How to be a woman: instructions for proper female behavior from classroom films of the 1940s-’80s
    3. How to be a woman, though male.

    Somehow I’m guessing that none of these three is what I’m looking for :-)

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  28. Beca writes:

    OMG YES. I ordered this book form amazon.co.uk after some Brit friends mentioned it to me some months ago, and it’s one of my faves now. I particularly love her passage on the the Healthy Type of Fat Person:

    “That’s just plain, cheerful greed—the kind of Rabelaisian, Falstaffian figures who treat the world as a series of sensory delights, and take full joy in their wine, bread and meat. Someone who walks away from a table—replete—shouting ‘THAT WAS SPLENDID!’, before sitting in front of a fire, drinking port and eating truffles, doesn’t have neuroses about food. They are in a consensual relationship with eating and, almost unfailingly, couldn’t care less about how it’s put an extra couple of stone on them. They tend to wear their weight well—luxuriously, like a fur coat or diamond sash—rather than nervously trying to hide it, or apologizing for it. These people aren’t ‘fat’—they are simply… lavish. They don’t have an eating problem—unless it’s running out of truffle oil, or finding a much-anticipated dish of razor clams sadly disappointing.” -How to be a Woman by Caitlin Moran, pg 116

    ‘Cause I finally found a way to explain my Healthy Attitude to Fatness to someone!

    Also, her twitter (@caitlinmoran) is priceless.

    Current Feminist hero #2 (Jessica Valenti is #1 currently, ’cause I just met her last week!)

    3 people said "Exactly!"

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    • Ris writes:

      Hahaha I wasn’t planning to order the book… being a student while planning a wedding is making me sooo cheap… but this excerpt might have just changed my mind. I love this woman already.

      Exactly!

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  29. Liz writes:

    I just ordered it and am sooo excited to start reading!! I’ve been looking for new non-candy reading material for awhile.

    Are there any other Montreal ladies around here? I don’t want to take a bus to Ottawa :(.

    Exactly!

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  30. Jessica writes:

    YES! I have been waiting for another book club book. And this time I’m free on ALL THE DAYS. No excuses!

    Exactly!

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  31. Class of 1980 writes:

    Interesting. I’ve been thinking about the concept of just pleasing my own damn self in life without worry of what any random man would think. Let the chips fall where they may – I don’t care to “mold” myself to someone at this point in life.

    Sounds like this book.

    On a hopeful note, my psychic (yes I have one; why do you ask?) recently said out of the blue that the man I’m supposed to meet and marry won’t be threatened by any signs of my intelligence. He will be more the type to say “lets learn from each other”. Guess how loudly I said “OMG!” “YES!”

    He also said I will be more independent business-wise when it happens. Another “YES!”

    I should get this book.

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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    • Linsey writes:

      1980–I’m “OMG” and “YES-ing” over here with you…eeeeeee!

      1 person said "Exactly!"

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      • Class of 1980 writes:

        Well it would sure be a breath of fresh air. Between my divorce and now, I had a boyfriend who struggled with complimenting me on anything “brains” related. It was as if acknowleging me that way meant he was lesser. And that is just messed up.

        I asked the psychic what on earth possessed him to say such a thing, and he said that it came up in the reading as a concern of mine even though I had never mentioned it.

        Although whether I meet someone or not, I’m still going to make myself happy.

        1 person said "Exactly!"

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  32. argo9418 writes:

    Oh this is going to be the greatest, especially compared to all the dry, “So you’re a photographer that just realized you have to understand money to run a business” books I’ve been reading lately.

    Exactly!

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  33. Diane writes:

    Sounds interesting though I haven’t heard of this book before.

    Are there other APWers in Connecticut interested in meeting up? I don’t really want to go all the way to NYC or Boston, but do love drinking and talking about books :)

    Exactly!

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  34. liz writes:

    yo, philly. i dropped the ball the last few times and as far as i saw, no one picked it up? LET’S GET ON THIS ONE.

    Exactly!

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  35. There are a few on US Amazon…strangely the new ones cost less than the used ones, but there you go.

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  36. Another Alice writes:

    Just bought the book and am psyched to make this book club.

    Exactly!

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  37. Ms. Bunny writes:

    Can I make a request regarding the online discussion of the book: Could we please discuss it within a week/ week and a half of the meet ups. In the past we haven’t discussed them until like a month later, and by then I’m reading something else and since my memory is horrible, I can’t remember the points I wanted to discuss online. If this was for class, obviously I’d take detailed notes, but since this is APW and there will be drinking involved, I would appreciate it if I didn’t have to try to take notes.

    Exactly!

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  38. NEWTIE writes:

    I really want to participate in this but I’m not very technologically savvy. I am friends with the facebook page, but then how do I know where and when a meetup might be in my area?

    1 person said "Exactly!"

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  39. Jo writes:

    Yay, my library has it!!

    Exactly!

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  40. Rebecca writes:

    Crazy timing – I (being an elderly nerd trapped in a 26 year old’s body) was listening to New Zealand’s public broadcaster, Radio NZ, on Saturday morning and heard an interview with Caitlin Moran – didn’t catch the whole thing but she sounded both hilarious and awesome. If anyone is interested you can listen here:

    http://www.radionz.co.nz/national/programmes/saturday

    And I’ll be officially reading for this book club, not just cheating and reading all your awesome discussions after the fact….

    Exactly!

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  41. Cate S writes:

    I guess now I’ll have to re-publish my post on the subject. ;)

    And more hahahahaha when I saw you bought a whole pile!

    Exactly!

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    • Rebecca writes:

      Cate – I just scooched over to your blog and read your brilliant post, and having read particularly the bit about expectations of beauty/sexiness, am feeling pretty enraged – this is my absolute biggest peeve at the moment.

      I’ll try save up my ranty feelings for book club, but on a vaguely related note I stumbled across this recently (via Peonies & Polaroids), which other APW ladies might be interested in and may not have seen: http://www.dressaday.com/2006/10/you-dont-have-to-be-pretty.html . It contains the brilliant line “Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked “female” “. I’m saving this one to share with my eleven year old sister in a couple of years’ time, cos I suspect her teenage years will be even more sucky than mine in the early 2000s were on the expectations-of-hotness front.

      1 person said "Exactly!"

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    • Marcela writes:
      Exactly!

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      • Rebecca writes:

        I had actually – I loved it too! It’s the first thing I read that made me aware of conciously role-modelling for my little (and less-little) sisters and for my goddaughter – not to mention grateful for my mum, stepmum and assorted aunts and friends who conciously or unconsciously had those conversations with younger-me.

        Mind you, littlest sister (she’s 11) is already doing pretty well – at her school disco (famous-person-themed) she was the only Cleopatra in a room full of Hannah Montanas and Disney (TM) Princesses. She is awesome… :)

        Exactly!

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    • Kyla (@kahlia) writes:

      Oh Cate, I’m so glad you’ve brought back those two posts. I know I’m not the only one who has been inspired by your writing on the topic.
      I bought this book as an ebook after reading your post on it (and “Push Kick”, too, to be filed away for future reference), and then a very dear friend in London just posted me a paperback of How to Be a Woman this week as a belated birthday gift. So I’m picking up where I left off on the electronic version (took an extended pause in reading due to the international move) and am so excited to have it on paper, too!

      Exactly!

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  42. Becky writes:

    I love this book more that anything I’ve read in the last few years.

    Meg and everyone – If you want to listen to a free recording of her discussing the book at the Edinburgh Book Festival, there’s a link here – http://www.edbookfest.co.uk/media-gallery/item/caitlin-moran

    Exactly!

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  43. em_perk writes:

    I saw this book a while ago and neglected to order it because it wasn’t available in the US but I guess now I’m doing it! I just moved to Hawaii and I need friends! Anyone here on the island of Oahu?

    Exactly!

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  44. Dutch writes:

    Bah! I just ordered it on Amazon. The estimated delivery? Is October 19, 2011 – November 1, 2011! ARGH!

    Exactly!

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    • meg writes:

      Shoot! I picked dates that were fairly far away for this reason, but this means I’ll lean toward the later weekend. Anyone else having this problem?

      Exactly!

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    • Jen W writes:

      Mine had the same delivery estimate, but it arrived today! So fingers crossed yours makes it to your doorstep in the next few days.

      Exactly!

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  45. Kate writes:

    I got all pouty this morning when it wasn’t available to the US on kindle but I’ll just suck it up and order it anyway. :)

    Exactly!

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  46. The later, the better. I ordered mine, but, you know, it may take a while to get here across the pond. Aaaand, I’m up to my eyeballs in “Half the Sky” by Nicholas Kristof & Sheryl WuDonn. Read it? It’s excellent.

    Exactly!

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  47. amyc writes:

    I’ve missed the last few meetups while we’ve been traveling around the country (it’s hard to plan to meet anywhere if you’re not quite sure where exactly you’ll be on any given date!).

    And I’d given myself a no-more-books-until-you-finish-the-ones-you’re-reading rule.

    But this? This I’ll find a city near enough and drive there. Ordering now (rules be damned!) and cannot wait to read and discuss.

    Exactly!

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  48. Spines writes:

    For fellow Aussies, use http://www.booko.com.au to find a copy, it searches all the online bookstores to find the cheapest prices, including the cost of shipping to Australia, it’s the best site ever! (I’m not associated with them, I just think it’s a genius idea).

    I just ordered my copy from Abe Books, for $15 US so it sounds cheaper than Amazon? No shipping costs either, win!

    I don’t suppose there’s any other Team Practical members in Adelaide? I might have to be happy with the online discussion…

    Exactly!

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    • Englyn writes:

      thankyou! never heard of booko and it’s great. Just ordered from AbeBooks.
      I’m in Perth and will very happily bookclub with you on Skype!

      Exactly!

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  49. Englyn writes:

    Ladies! bookdepository.co.uk. free shipping.

    Exactly!

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  50. ruchi writes:

    BTW, there are still plenty of copies available on Amazon.com US — and mine was $12 plus $3 in shipping. They are all from external book sellers, but some of them were used book shops in the United States. Probably faster and cheaper than ordering from Amazon.co.uk.

    Anyway, I ordered my copy even though I probably won’t be able to attend the meet up or participate in the online discussion (damn wedding getting in the way!)

    Exactly!

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