I’m engaged! Hurrah! It’s all very exciting. We originally looked into the BIG wedding day—and by BIG, I mainly mean expensive! We sat down, talked about it, and decided we didn’t want or need this. It was way too much money. We didn’t want to take a loan out for it. We didn’t want to be saving for the next two plus years for it. We just want to be married. We just want to have fun.
Then, I read about cocktail receptions and came up with an idea. We decided we really want to do a Sunday afternoon, finger food type of affair. We found a cool bar in town which has a rooftop area we can rent. We plan on having finger food, cupcakes and drinks and a lot of all of it! We’re going to over-order slightly to make sure no one goes hungry. And no one eats dinner at 3pm on a Sunday, anyway, right? However, people are giving me a hard time. No sit-down meal? Shocking! No first dance?! Noooo!
We haven’t booked anything yet. I’m quite put off by people’s reactions. Whenever I mention my idea I get that look. That, “Ohhh…” like I am somehow cheaping out on them. I’ve even been told I can’t expect gifts if I don’t provide a meal! (It’s not about gifts!)
So now I’m stuck. Should I proceed with my cheaper, finger food wedding? Or throw the towel in?
-Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
A wedding invitation is not a dinner invitation. Let’s just stop that train right there. The idea that a “traditional” wedding equals a steak dinner and open bar is a fairly new concept—just ask your grandparents! I bet more often than not, they served cake and punch. There’s no thesaurus anywhere that lists “wedding” and “dinner” as synonyms. Also? There is no meal-for-gift exchange program going on. Think about it— dropping a hundred dollars on a plated chicken marsala for your Cousin Charlie isn’t exactly the easiest way to score some dish towels, is it? Not really.
You’re inviting your friends and family to celebrate your wedding. Not to have family dinner. Not to buy you things. If you choose to give them some baked ziti, awesome! If they choose to bring a blender wrapped in tissue paper, terrific! Neither of those things—the meal OR the gift—are requirements for a celebration of marriage. AT ALL.
Of course, guests can be jerks. Weddings don’t magically make everyone behave like generous and civilized individuals. There may be a few folks who will hear that there won’t be dinner, turn on a heel, and go return that awesome rubber spatula giftset out of spite. Harumph. But, as you said yourself, the gifts aren’t the point. So who cares?
You’re actually in very good company. Not only were so many weddings from previous generations comprised of just snacks or cake, but the daytime wedding is a bit of a trend among APW staff. Meg, Alyssa, Emily, and Kate all had daytime receptions, and at my own Sunday afternoon wedding, we served just dessert and champagne (yum). As Meg outlined after her own wedding, there are definite pluses to having a daytime wedding, and as I’ve written previously, there are positives to appetizer reception. The format is a little more free form, which can encourage guests to mingle and chat and can also allow for a flexible itinerary. Dances! Bouquet tosses! Those things can still happen—but only if you want them to—and according to your own prerogative.
That said, you want to be sure to continue to be guest-conscious. You already took care of Rule #1: Don’t Plan A Finger Food Reception During Mealtime. Perfect! Now, make sure that you include the pertinent information on the invitation. What can guests expect? “Join us after for cocktails and snacks,” (or “hors d’oeuvres,” if you’re fancypants) is simple and straight to the point, and it allows anyone who feels like complaining to do so in the comfort of their own home, far away from you. Also, receptions in this style often have less seating than your standard mealtime reception, so you don’t even have to worry about chairs. You’re welcome. Check with your venue to be sure that there will be enough seats to allow everyone to be comfortable, but especially for the elderly, who won’t exactly enjoy milling around on their feet for a few hours.
In the end, remember that spending what you can afford is NOT “cheaping out.” Making a decision based on frugality doesn’t mean that decision is less valid, nor does it make you a cheapskate. Weddings aren’t a contest of She Who Spends the Most, Loves Her Friends the Most. Making a budget-conscious decision, if nothing else, can allow you to invite even more of the people you love! How unselfish is that?
****
What do you think, Team Practical? Have you felt pressured to avoid making “cheap” wedding decisions? How do you cope with the pressures and expectations of guests?
Photo by APW sponsor Christina Richards Photography.
If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Liz at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com or use the submission form here. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though we prefer if you make up a totally ridiculous sign-off like conflicted and rageful but deeply in love in Detroit (CARBDILID, duh). However, don’t let thinking up a sign-off stress you out; we’ll love you regardless. You’re already writing in for advice, don’t you have enough to deal with, sweetie?
This post includes Sponsors, who are a key part of supporting APW. For more information, see our Directory page for Christina Richards Weddings.
Hell, we had a cocktail reception *at a mealtime* (Saturday, 6pm) and it was fine. If anyone complained, I didn’t hear about it. My guesses for factors that went into that were that we were careful to make the hors d’oeuvres (I, apparently, am fancypants) interesting — unusual flavor combos, locally sourced — and we were super excited about them, so I think people picked up on the “zomg, the food is going to be so great!” tone and didn’t even have a chance to go to the “ohhhh, what a cop-out” place. Yes, having a cocktail reception cost us less, but that wasn’t the only reason we did it.
February 24, 2012 4:58 am
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That’s exactly what we did. We were married at 1:30 on a Sunday and had the reception from 3:30 until 7:30, prime meal time. We had lots and lots of passed appetizers, lots of yummy non-alcoholic beverages, and champagne. We were in this swanky restaurant that had a full bat in the other room, so alcohol was available if purple wanted it, but since it wasn’t part of the room we were in it avoided the awkwardness of us not picking up the tab. We had the same concerns you did, if we were doing passed hors d’oeuvres we wanted then to be good, substantial, and plentiful. Everyone had a great time, and if there were any nay-sayers I didn’t hear them. The biggest concern was, since it wasn’t a “seated”reception, making sure err had enough places for people to sit. Do what you like, and if your wedding reflects you people are going to have a good time no matter what.
February 24, 2012 9:45 am
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Lots of food = a good time. And you can totally do this with afternoon nibbles.
Start talking up how good the venues food is and people will start getting excited as well :)
We opted out of the nibbles only reception at a venue we liked because DH wanted a sit down dinner. But it was one of his only requests, so I let him have it :) If anyone else had complained if we had chosen it? I would have been upset at the time, but we wouldnt have changed our minds.
February 24, 2012 5:01 pm
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I totally agree with Liz–people aren’t going to freak out over not having a sit-down dinner at 3pm on a Sunday. (Actually, freaking out about not having a sit-down dinner would still be inappropriate no matter what time.) My parents did a cocktails-and-hors d’oeuvres reception and apparently it was a blast.
The only problem I’ve experienced with food at a wedding was at my friend’s wedding. The ceremony was early in the day and the reception was later. In between, a group of us went to a bar and (since we were starving) ordered a bunch of appetizers. We headed to the reception and weren’t hungry for the meal. In that case, it might have been smarter to do cocktails and finger food just to save money.
February 24, 2012 5:07 am
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I will admit that my circle of friends is very little because when someone reacts like Anonymous’s guests I think “hmm, maybe I shouldn’t invite X at all”. I’m a bad person.;)
We didn’t have a wedding reception, but we have had to deal with expectations regarding travelling to our home countries when our children were born . We are expats living many thousands of dollars away from my home country, Argentina, so, having had twins, we couldn’t afford to travel there until our children were 3 1/2 years. We were highly criticized by some, and while at first I tried to explain, at some point I just started replying “We’ll go whenever you pay for our 4 tickets. Does that make you happy?”
This is not to say you should do as I did, it’s just my way to send you a hug and tell you that I know dealing with expectations can be hard, but in the end it’s not about what other people want your wedding day to be like, but about you. Those who love you will understand and be crazy happy for you, even if you just dance on the streets with a can of soda in your hands.
February 24, 2012 5:09 am
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HAHA. First paragraph made my day.
February 24, 2012 8:21 am
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I love this whole comment. Of our four parents, one makes an effort to visit us. If we have children, I’m looking forward to telling the rest of them to get their butt on a plane or get their checkbook out.
February 24, 2012 11:22 am
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I think your idea is really cool – way to think outside the box and do what works for you. You want your wedding to be something you and your future spouse are excited about and it sounds like you both are. We did opt to do a dinner, but in order to afford it (and so our families don’t have to travel), we’re having the wedding where our parents live, not in the Baltimore/DC area where we live. And having a wedding you can afford is key to making it something that makes you happy (how happy are you going to be if you’re in debt up to your eyeballs after your wedding???)
And Liz is spot on about weddings traditionally being lighter affairs, food-wise. Meg talks about it in her book as well. My mom has mentioned multiple times throughout the planning of my wedding that she just had appetizers, cake, and punch in the hall at her church when she got married in the 1970s.
In the end, your wedding is about celebrating the start of your married life with those you love. As the APW team and countless posters have written in other posts, people will come and be happy for you no matter what you serve or do – they are celebrating you and your new spouse. Those that can’t be happy about that, well, it does hurt and maybe they won’t come, but they are the ones who will be missing out.
Good luck and have fun tasting and picking out lots of yummy appetizers!!!
February 24, 2012 5:15 am
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“My mom has mentioned multiple times throughout the planning of my wedding that she just had appetizers, cake, and punch in the hall at her church when she got married in the 1970s.”
And my mom had cake and punch in the church hall when she remarried in the 90s! Nary a drop of alcohol (wah! that’s what flasks are for) or a plated dinner in sight. Everyone had a great time.
February 24, 2012 11:09 am
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I think cocktail receptions are fine! My best friend had one at 3 pm and it was fine. The one caveat was that I think you should arrange to either have plates set aside for the wedding party, or do not set up the finger food serving area until after pictures with the wedding party are done. At my friends wedding, they set all the food out right after the ceremony and the vultures had completely picked the table dry by the time the photo-taking-melee was over. My poor friend hardly got to eat any of her own wedding food.
February 24, 2012 5:20 am
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I’ve seen this whole “food disappears while photos are being taken” things at weddings – you’d think a more elegant solution would have been thought up by now. I never liked the idea of guests waiting while photos are taken – which is why I don’t have any formal photos of our wedding!
February 24, 2012 6:24 am
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I think the solution is to have one type of finger food passed on trays during the the pictures. Once the pictures are over, several more types of finger foods can be set up on a display or buffet. The problem I’ve most commonly seen is having all the food set out in the same area where the guests are waiting, and having the food available while the pictures are going on.
February 24, 2012 6:31 am
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Side conversation alert – I would also champion the “first look” for those couples who are open to it. Solves the problem of guests waiting, and for us, it helped take some of the pressure out of the day. We were really happy to be with each other for a couple of hours and have some time together before the madness begun.
February 24, 2012 6:34 am
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Yeah, we did the photos before the wedding. It’s not a perfect solution- my husband was a little disappointed that he didn’t have the “aisle moment” or whatever- but our guests didn’t need to wait for us and we didn’t miss out on food.
February 24, 2012 6:44 am
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I’m definitely bummed that I don’t have a shot with my of my row of ladies, but that’s about it. I’m very happy to have a lot of pro-photos of actual moments, vs staged moments.
February 24, 2012 7:21 am
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We did pictures beforehand and never felt like either of us missed out. In fact I think it was really fun to hang out with our wedding party before the wedding. Not everything was staged (which is why having a photojournalist is awesome) and we didn’t feel rushed or pressured to hurry up. It was like our own private party before the wedding.
February 24, 2012 9:18 am
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I haven’t given much thought to a cocktail reception before now, and this may be blasphemous, but if you don’t want to do a first look and you’re not doing an all night party, could you save the pictures for after the celebratory cocktails?
I suppose you run the risk of having drunk eyes and BBQ sauce down the front of your white dress, but if you’re a graceful eater and a moderate drinker it could give you the aisle moment and not make your guests wait while you go hungry… Just a thought.
February 24, 2012 9:54 am
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David swears he had the “aisle moment” despite the fact that we’d woken up together, spent a couple of hours taking pictures and gone out for dinner with our parents and wedding parties and then did the final getting ready touches together. For him – for US – it was still a very charged emotional moment that wasn’t ruined because he knew what I looked like. I mean, we lived together – he pretty much knew what I looked like already… :)
February 24, 2012 10:03 am
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@ Morgan This is totally our reasoning. We knew what each other look like. Seeing each other before hand does not cheapen the moment.
And I have to be honest, I hated the aisle walk when it all actually went down. I basically ran up it cause I just wanted to get back to Mr. Beagle. I didn’t mind the eyes if the eyes were on both of us, but I did not like the eyes when I was not with Mr. Beagle.
February 24, 2012 10:48 am
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If you have the cocktail reception professionally catered your caterer should (I realize this doesn’t always happen) refresh the food periodically throughout the event. The same thing should also happen with your passed appetizers.
If you’re self-catering, why not just set out about 60-70% of the food at the beginning and then assign someone to periodically check and see if more food needs to be brought out as the event goes on?
February 24, 2012 8:10 am
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I helped plan one of the first weddings I was a bridesmaid for and this is exactly how we did it. We had about five people who were friends of the bride or groom assigned as table duty to go around and periodically refill the appetizers. Also, there were plates set aside for the bride and groom (and probably attendants too) so they DID manage to eat something.
February 24, 2012 9:08 am
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Since our wedding is in the morning, and we’re serving a light lunch and no dinner, it’s still going to be light out when the reception is over, so our photographer suggested just doing photos with the wedding party after the reception. (It didn’t seem practical to try to squeeze them in during the morning when it’s early and everything isgetting set-up anyway) That way no one is left waiting for food, and after a nearly two-hour Catholic ceremony, I imagine no one will complain about that! :)
February 24, 2012 2:24 pm
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We apparently had very thoughtful people working at our wedding. They put together a plate of food for my husband and I when we went to take pics and when we came back, we didn’t have to worry about all the appetizers being eaten.
February 24, 2012 8:23 am
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I used to cater in college, with my Dad who is a chef. And I thought I’d reiterate, and maybe add to what some other folks are saying.
If you are having your appetizer reception catered, speak very openly with the staff- they will not only understand staggering apps, but often insist on it so that your guests are introduced to food slowly and are comfortably full by the time three hours or whatever are over. Also, if they don’t offer, ask to have a portion of each food set aside for you and your fiance for the next day- because sometimes I have found (I’ve catered maybe 60 or so weddings) that newlyweds don’t get the chance to savor the food, and come up to us in the kitchen asking for a “doggy bag” as it were, which we always love to do.
If you are doing it yourselves, I think someone already mentioned, but have some trusted friends stagger the apps, so that every 15 or 20 minutes the food is refreshed.
Either way, hopefully you and your fiance (and whoever is with you for photos) will not only get to eat at your reception, but get to maybe have a delightful midnight snack or taste of the wedding the next day.
There are always caveats, of course- so do what feels right- but I think with some open communication with whoever will be doing the food, you should be happy as clams.
Also, I think the idea of an apps and drinks rooftop wedding is just the dreamiest, it’s going to be great!!
February 24, 2012 10:44 am
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My fiance and I are planning a similar event for next year – vintage afternoon tea at our British wedding with lots of scones, sponge cakes, champagne and yummy finger food. I’m really excited about it and it fits who we are and our vision for the wedding perfectly. We have guests coming from overseas and I was initially worried about the ‘cheap’ factor but they’ve made it clear they are coming for us, not the food! (which will be awesome btw!) Good luck and definitely stick to your gut feelings. A rooftop cocktail party sounds fabulous!
February 24, 2012 5:27 am
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Someone needs to invite me to a wedding exactly like yours, because that sounds spectacular.
February 24, 2012 7:48 am
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Sunday afternoon weddings are the best! I think this, of course, because I had one : )
You’re doing exactly what we did and it was awesome. People got drunk, danced like crazy, had a wonderful time and almost everyone stayed until the very end. Not having a meal saves you a boring hour of eating – instead people will mingle, dance, etc. One of my very favorite parts of the day was going out for a fabulous steak dinner alone with my new husband afterward. Then we met up with a few friends at a bar after that.
As far as gifts, those people are jerks and also crazy. We got a gift from almost everyone who came and our registry was pretty much cleared out. I really don’t think most people base their gifts on what kind of wedding you have.
February 24, 2012 5:32 am
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I never have a problem with appetizers instead of a “real” meal, even at parties scheduled for mealtime, but I’d especially not mind if I got to eat the cake in the accompanying picture. I just had breakfast and that still looks sooo yummy. Yay cake!
February 24, 2012 5:36 am
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You are definitely not alone! We had a 1 pm ceremony, and had salads, dips, breads, and pie at our reception. Not a single person complained (to me). As you said, who is eating dinner at 3 pm? I think you have a great idea.
February 24, 2012 5:45 am
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I want to GO to your wedding! Patio, cocktails, finger food, dessert… what’s not to love? I secretly think that most people enjoy the appetizers and desserts at weddings the most anyway, and I always find the first dance a smidge awkward, so… do what makes you happy and suits your taste and wallet.
February 24, 2012 5:46 am
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Also, appetizers are 1) delicious, 2) often more creative than catered sit-down meals, and 3) DELICIOUS.
February 24, 2012 5:49 am
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I think it sounds like a blast (and low stress for your guests, too). The people who love and support you will show up and throw in all their love for you on your wedding day. I say stick to your guns; you guys know what is best for you.
February 24, 2012 5:52 am
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One of the most glamorous weddings I’ve ever been to was a teeny tiny dessert-and-champagne affair on a Sunday evening. I felt like it was something special and out of the ordinary – a great excuse to get all fancy and romantic on an otherwise ho-hum night. Eating and drinking light made me feel great that night *and* the next morning. And as Liz pointed out in her answer, the lack of a hard dinner schedule was a good thing – it reinforced why we were all there, and it made it easier for the guests to bond.
DO IT.
February 24, 2012 5:56 am
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You make this sound so glamorous I want to do this on a Sunday for no other reason than just because. I agree wholeheartedly. Do it!! :)
February 26, 2012 9:39 am
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My FAVORITE weddings – hands down – do not involve a full dinner. I know others may feel differently and I’m not knocking the idea of the full dinner wedding – just letting you know that some people actually looove and even prefer the cocktail/lunch/cake receptions. They’re fun.
February 24, 2012 6:01 am
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We had a morning wedding with brunch, and no first dance. I mean, we had a first dance, but it was on our honeymoon, by ourselves (it was magical and I’ll never forget it). And guess what? People loved our wedding. WE loved our wedding. Do what you want– your community will be happy to celebrate with you however you choose. As long as you keep their comfort in mind, as well, as Liz so wisely pointed out. :)
February 24, 2012 6:05 am
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Liz, well said. I really can’t stand the notion of judging people by how much we spent on our weddings.
Anonymous, I reminded myself continually that someone was going to find something to complain about or pass judgement on our choices. That’s when it is no longer your problem:)
Also, love the baked ziti reference, Liz;)
February 24, 2012 6:06 am
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You wedding sounds ace. For lots of people wedding = expensive, including my parents who had a fairly frugal wedding. I think just because we avoid the WIC doesn’t mean family and friends aren’t suckered in to the whole thing (and not because they are suckers, because it has become all pervasive).
If people judge you for preparing wonderful finger food they are silly. But as was said above a good way round it is to not be apologetic about it, be excited! You have found a cool local venue who do brilliant food, the buffet will give guests an amazing choice of yummy stuff to eat and if they want they wanted they could just eat cupcakes! This will be amazing.
x
February 24, 2012 6:15 am
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What is wrong with people who think that small bites are inappropriate any time of day? One word for them: TAPAS.
February 24, 2012 6:17 am
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HA!
February 24, 2012 8:27 am
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Yes!
My partner and I are foodies (he’s a former chef, I come from a long line of dessert shoppe dames), so one of the *first* things we thought about was food. Our date isn’t for 1.5 years, but food is honestly a big deal in our hosting of anything, let alone our damn wedding! It’s going to be a cocktail affair, so heavy big meals just sounded unappealing immediately… “Tapas” was almost uttered in unison! Thankfully, we have some chef friends we get to pull favors from, so we’re going for a sushi [toy] train style of tapas.
Classy and delicious; they can be almost anything including a meal or a snack.
February 24, 2012 12:32 pm
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This is EXACTLY (ok, not exactly, we were in the woods) how we did things, and it seemed fine. Wedding at noon, cocktails and finger foods and activities around 2, with no dancing.
However, a small group of us did go out to dinner after the wedding around 8pm, so keep that in the back of your mind if you’re not escaping right when things wrap up.
The meal-for-gifts thing is so vulgar I can’t even. Whatever. Just ignore those people.
Here’s my post about our menu and cocktails: http://www.verhext.com/elderflower-afternoon
February 24, 2012 6:20 am
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I like your use of the word vulgar. :)
February 24, 2012 10:40 am
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“The meal-for-gifts thing is so vulgar I can’t even. Whatever. Just ignore those people.”
Cough. Yes. Cough.
February 24, 2012 10:48 am
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Hey, a-hole wedding guests, if this is true, then I want to know where the rest of my freakin’ presents are. At the risk of sounding materialistic or greedy or whatever, I’m just gonna say it. If you’re going to play the quid-pro-quo game, then my five course dinner doesn’t equal $40 worth of wine glasses. The same way that a bunch of delicious appetizers and cake are not comparable to a $12 spatula. If wedding gifts are about recouping costs, then clearly someone’s math skills are lacking. The same people that think they can throw a tantrum over what they are fed or offered to drink don’t usually have their heinous logic tossed back in their face. How about you be nice, and I’ll be nice.
I hate this whole idea. I hate thinking that my wedding gift is going to backfill someone’s black hole of debt. Part of the reason I hate giving money and prefer to give an actual gift – of a price point indicative of my affection for the couple and nothing else.
February 24, 2012 11:12 am
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Your reception idea sounds fabulous! We’re planning on a Sunday day-time wedding, probably with some kind of brunch/appetizer reception. I say go for it!
February 24, 2012 6:20 am
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One kind of follow up question I have is what if your wedding will end up being a destination wedding inadvertently? (My parents live in Michigan, his live in Florida, our siblings are scattered across the country, and it’s likely we’ll be living in Connecticut soon) It’s not that we’d particularly want a ‘destination wedding’, it’s just that no matter where we choose, at least someone very important is going to have to hop on a plane.
It seems the cake and punch reception was when everyone lived within an afternoon’s drive and therefore had access to at least lunch or dinner that day at their home, unlike someone flying in who must take off at least a day from work and get a hotel. Is this actually an issue?
February 24, 2012 6:20 am
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If your guests know this in advance, they’re fine. Grown ups manage to find places to eat when they travel all the time! If you make it clear in the invitation, they’ll already be anticipating finding their own meals and have the chance to do some Google and Zagat digging.
They’re traveling for the MARRIAGE- whether or not there’s a meal won’t make it more or less “worth” the trip!
February 24, 2012 6:27 am
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Yes! And if you want more time with people… you can always arrange a few extra events for mingling with your out of town guests that are not catered/fancypants/like a second reception. Meet us at this local lounge for drinks the night before! Meet us for dinner somewhere casual! Meet us for a potluck picnic the day before! Whatever it is… and then they feel like it’s worth the travel and it’s not about, again, you owing them meals.
February 24, 2012 6:35 am
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We’re doing a potluck the day before the wedding to have more informal time with our friends and family. This gets people to participate (contribute food) and takes pressure off the day of the wedding. I’m glad that on our wedding day, I won’t have to worry so much about making time for people I haven’t seen in years.
As for those that come expecting something… Your wedding is about you and your partner! People will always have opinions and I’ve found that if I say what we’re doing with confidence I get less “What?! You’re not doing …?” than when I say we’re thinking about this, what do you think? We’re doing what feels right for our wedding, don’t come if you don’t like it!
February 24, 2012 9:32 am
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P.S. Go Liz! Seamless transition, btw.
February 24, 2012 6:39 am
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Thank you!
February 24, 2012 6:45 am
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As someone who is trying to plan a wedding in Connecticut, this is the smartest way to do it. Costs per head are very, very high. If your out of town guests are coming to your wedding for the meal, and not to celebrate you and your honey, it’s a pretty stupid reason to travel here. Say thank you, be happy to see them. That’s why they showed up. Not for chicken and pasta.
That being said, Connecticut is a great excuse to visit New York and Boston. If your guests complain about not getting a meal, there are plenty of restaurants and entertainment to the North or South, and they are welcome to pursue that endeavor across state lines. You are busy that day.
February 24, 2012 6:59 am
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One of the best weddings I’ve been to? Was an afternoon ceremony/evening reception. Far enough that it required a hotel stay and the happy couple choose not to provide dinner. Instead they directed guests to a number of local restaurants for dinner after the ceremony, so I got to hang out with the guests I actually knew to eat, and then everyone came back for a giant, massive party with cake and some finger foods.
I had a blast and could not have cared less that I bought my own dinner.
February 24, 2012 7:53 am
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I think the travel question is the real reason that people worry so much about serving a full meal and feel that they “owe it” to their guests. I had myself so tied in knots at one point during wedding planning that I thought I would need to feed people at least three times – the wedding itself, the night before, and the morning after. It’s crazy, but understandable on one level. I’d been to weddings where that was done, and it seemed to make sense if someone needs to buy a plane ticket, rent a car, and get a hotel room “just” to come to your wedding. But of course, you would only bother doing those things if you actually want to go to the wedding, right?
In the end, knocking 20-30 bucks off your guest’s cost of attendance by providing a meal doesn’t really change much other than your stress level and your budget. Also, if you are really concerned about people being able to afford to come, there might be other things you can do to help. We tried to make it possible for some of our cash-strapped younger friends to come by offering a place to camp. This is absolutely not required, but in our case it was easy to do and it made a difference for some of the people we invited.
February 24, 2012 8:08 am
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This was huge for me as well. I had three of my greatest friends coming to California all the way from London, “just” for the wedding. I had major travel guilt, thinking I had to move heaven and earth just to make the trip worth it to them. What I realized is that a) my wedding was fun and they all had a good time, and b) none of my guests were locked in a room for the hours before and after the wedding. They were all adults who did other fun cool things while I was calling the caterer. They saw their families and old friends and went sight seeing on their own time in addition to attending our wedding.
February 24, 2012 11:02 am
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We had a 1pm wedding and a 6pm light food reception. For a split second I wondered if I needed to help people with a light lunch between the two and then I realized they are adults and would figure it out. And they did. While we did pictures. One funny moment was when my new mother-in-law thought we’d be going to lunch with them rather than getting our pictures taken. Their whole family was together, and any time they get together they go to a particular restaurant, so she just figured we’d go with them.
February 24, 2012 9:29 pm
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I am totally pro doing whatever works for you, and no, you don’t owe your friends and family dinner.
But. I think the evolution in wedding expectations partly (only partly) tracks a major change in people’s life patterns. The cake&punch reception made a ton of sense for an era in which travel was expensive and the people at the wedding would be people who lived in the same town and could easily go home. The modern wedding weekend, whatever the budget, makes a ton of sense for an era and a demographic in which friends live all over the country/planet and weddings are a major source of community reconnection.
Yeah, it gets out of hand with the trying to feed everyone for 3 days. No, you don’t have to do any of it. But it also makes sense for the pattern of a lot of our lives and the desire to do it comes from somewhere real.
February 24, 2012 11:02 am
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That does make a lot of sense. But it’s also a little fishy to me that these new pressures (cocktail hour! farewell brunch! hotel welcome bags!) suspiciously arose around the advent of the princessy, fairytale “My Day” consumerism-driven wedding. Hmmm.
February 24, 2012 11:05 am
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OMG. I got into a nasty argument with my friend’s then-girlfriend, now-fiance over how people HAVE to invite every out-of-town guest to the rehearsal dinner and to the farewell brunch. B—ch, are you crazy? I’m such a bad person. I definitely want to remind her of all these have-tos.
February 24, 2012 11:25 am
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Oh sure. The WIC is seeing that transition and trying like hell to commodify it. But the transition comes from a real and serious change in how our lives work.
Also, I think the spike in wedding consumerism is absolutely related to the collapse of the traditional role for marriage. My grandparents needed to get married so they could live together and have sex. My parents got married because it signaled that their relationship was serious and that they could have kids. I can have sex and kids and an apartment and a serious relationship with my partner with or without marriage. What exactly is the wedding for? Who knows! Into that gap steps an industry that would like it to be for realizing my aesthetic fantasies about being an extremely wealthy socialite princess movie star.
The real answer is that it’s about really different things for different people. People want a religious blessing or a personal oath or a community witness and they plan different weddings depending on what role the wedding plays in the relationship. I want to signal that my relationship is for keeps; as long as I’m about it I want to use one of the very few chances I’ll have in my life to throw a party for people I love.
And eff welcome bags. I mean they’re fine, there’s nothing terrible about them, but they’re exactly like favors: if they’d be fun for you to make, go to town. They’re not Important nor do they Say Something About Your Wedding.
February 24, 2012 11:38 am
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My husband and I had no dancing and non-traditional (pizza) food at our reception, and when we told people about it before the wedding they acted personally offended. On the day of the wedding, though, everyone had a ball and a few people told us it was the best wedding they’d ever been to. Stick to your guns and plan the party that’s right for you and your budget. One thing we did was have a photo booth. It was cheaper and took up less space than a Dj/dance floor and it gave everyone a fun activity to do together. The most important thing is just to have the elements of a reception that excite you and your fiancé.
February 24, 2012 6:21 am
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I love those ideas and I think the point is that if you tell people ANY idea beforehand, they’re more likely to think up problems, etc. Just plan and tell everyone politely “we haven’t decided yet” and then when they get to the wedding they’ll be too happy for you to criticize (or having too much fun to find anything to criticize!) It’s like baby names, right? you tell someone “we’re thinking of X” and they’ll be “oh no, I knew a b— once whose name was X! you can’t name her THAT!”
…and I totally agree with Marcela up there, the sensitive part of me thinks “oh you don’t want to come to a cocktail reception? well good cause you’re no longer invited!” :)
February 24, 2012 7:21 am
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So true. People can worry a lot about plans that seem offbeat to them, but it seems on the actual day things tend to go over really well and people end up loving it. Like wedding happy goggles or something. I had thought my mom was going to flip out about my husband wearing red converse instead of traditional dress shoes, but on the day, she just thought it was cute and fun and it didn’t faze her at all. Who knew! :)
February 24, 2012 3:47 pm
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Maybe I’m just hopelessly naive, but I can’t even FATHOM saying to someone, “oh no your idea for your wedding is dumb because this is how it’s done,” and then throwing in, “if you do it that way, no one will give you presents.” What kind of monster does that?!
I think a cocktail/finger food wedding sounds really fun!
February 24, 2012 6:26 am
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You’re not naive, just well-mannered. I’m constantly amazed at the silly behaviors that surround weddings and the stupid things that come out of people’s mouths. One guy I work with actually goes to weddings with an unsealed card and his checkbook. He estimates the value of the meal and then writes a check to cover his family’s “share of the cost”. He thinks this is perfectly normal, expected behavior and he was truly offended that everyone did not do this for his daughter’s wedding. I’m still stunned…
And cocktail receptions are the best!!
February 24, 2012 6:59 am
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That’s bizarre. Really?? He brings his checkbook??
February 24, 2012 7:03 am
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Really…
February 24, 2012 1:42 pm
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I’ve heard of similar! Completely vulgar, right? A friend made sure everyone knew what she was spending on each “plate” so that she would receive an equivalently priced gift.
GROSS.
February 24, 2012 7:06 am
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“VULGAR” is the exact word that came to my mind too.
I’m convinced that some people are raised in barns (and not the cool ones converted into houses kind). ;)
February 24, 2012 7:20 am
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This is all standard (usually Italian-American) behavior here in NY. A friend’s mom, upon hearing we were having a brick oven pizza truck cater dinner for our wedding turned to my friend–in front of me!–and said, “If you did that, people would be taking money out of the envelopes.” Yes, YOU’RE the classy one.
For the record, the pizza (plus bridal brigade made apps & salad) was divine, the guests were over the moon and months later still keep saying it was the best food they’ve ever had at a wedding. Food truck wedding FTW.
February 24, 2012 7:38 am
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I have to second KA’s comment, as well. I have heard this from lots of family and friends in NY, and it’s so ingrained in some people my age that I have nearly had fights with people to defend others who consider alternatives to sit down dinners. So my question is, if so many people believe in the sit-down reception that strongly, when does it become a cultural expectation that planners have to consider on its own merits? Not that I agree at all (coming from Midwest picnic-in-park, potluck-style weddings).
February 24, 2012 8:02 am
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@Erin: Exactly. I could gone on and on about that. We seemed to “get away with it” because guests were 99% friends and everyone knew we were paying for it ourselves. I think most of my friends feel like that would never fly with their families and they HAVE to do it the “traditional” church/temple + hall sit-down dinner way. But I have no experience with family politics so I just don’t know how that all works if one has one. (Family, that is.)
February 24, 2012 8:57 am
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This is to Erin (though I’m not exactly a cultural anthropology expert or anything haha)-
I think when deciding to respect a “cultural expectation” at your wedding, you need to decide which cultures represent and reinforce your ideals about marriage. The person who commented and said she decided to have a meal out of respect for her in-law’s culture did so because she saw the value and relevance of its roots in the cultural ideal (a meal representing some sort of fellowship and beginning to the marriage).
If we take “meal = gift” as a cultural expectation (for me, a South Philly Italian American cultural expectation), what ideals about marriage does it reinforce? To my understanding, it reinforces a concept of friendship having a monetary value. (Does someone else have another interpretation? I’d like to hear it if I’m way off!) I don’t respect that ideal, so I won’t take the time to respect that cultural expectation with my wedding.
And THAT is me getting way to philosophical for my very first ATP. Whoops. ;)
February 24, 2012 8:58 am
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Reading your comment made me SO happy. I’m getting married this July and the original plan was pizza and beer- simple and delicious. Our venue doesn’t have a kitchen so it was even more perfect: pizza is good hot, cold, room temperature, and the morning after! Buuuttttt… My mom felt that people would go hungry if there was “just pizza” (and salad) So now we are having pizza and beer, and a full on Italian feast complete with homemade caponatta, stromboli, calzones, and a few completely random in my opinion roast turkeys… It’s a good thing I don’t care too much about the food…
February 24, 2012 9:00 am
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To Liz: Your philosophical-ness makes me happy. Never change :)
February 24, 2012 9:19 am
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@Liz –
I think it comes from a place of trying to be polite, honestly. If someone is paying $200 for you to attend and eat at their wedding, the guest wants to make sure that you are recouping that money. Since traditionally the idea of wedding gifts is to get a couple started in life together, this idea assumes that it makes no sense to “cost” the couple $200 and then give a $50 gift. Going in this direction, it seems much nicer than the other way – giving a cheap gift because the couple didn’t spend much on the wedding.
I completely disagree with this whole thing, by the way, but that is how I interpret the motivation behind “covering your plate”. You want your gift to be “net” of what they spent for you to attend.
February 24, 2012 9:29 am
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Liz: I love it when I try to say things and then you come and actually say them. Yes, that exactly.
Lizzarina: I worried if pizza would be “enough” too. We had some cocktail hour-y type apps (also no kitchen so it had to be stuff that was easy and kept), then salad and pizza with tons of different topping options. I’m pretty sure most people got 2+ slices and we still had leftovers. Biggest issue with pizza with us was what to feed all our set-up helpers for “rehearsal dinner” the night before. Solution? Chinese food!
February 24, 2012 9:33 am
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@Rachelle- Oh I totally agree about that end in as much as making sure to bring a “good enough” gift! But as far as feeling pressured to have a meal, I see that as having a totally different meaning.
February 24, 2012 9:49 am
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Being from the midwest, I thought this idea was very strange when I first heard about it. But here in NJ, it is common, along with beautifully extravagant (and expensive!) weddings. And – while I still am not 100% comfortable with the idea myself – it can be thought of in a different way, as a NJ native explained to me once:
See, weddings often happen at a time in a couple’s life when they don’t have a lot of money to spare. The couple’s family and friends KNOW this, and as a gift (both to the couple and to themselves and their big extended families), they want to help the couple have the beautiful and fancy marriage-starting party of their dreams. Rather than what we think of as the “traditional” model of having the bride’s father shoulder much of the cost, the guests take it upon themselves to contribute to the wedding.
It still seems tricky-to-navigate, because it’s not the tradition I saw growing up, and I think some guests DO take it as a chance to be stingy or snooty (or both?), and I think (know) some couples find it stressful to live up to the expectation of having a super-elaborate wedding which they couldn’t necessarily pay for outright, but it CAN come from a good place. A place where couples decide to give their community a kick-ass once-in-a-lifetime party, and their community gives back to them to help that happen.
February 24, 2012 10:30 am
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Do you know what’s sad? That’s actually really normal in Spain. That, and including your bank account number in the invitation.
I was once reading an online discussion forum on weddings in my area (Basque Country) and someone was saying that she couldn’t still get married because she couldn’t afford the wedding. Another one answered: oh but you should just get married! Guests will pay for themselves anyway.
February 24, 2012 7:51 am
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That’s insane. I had a destination wedding and did not get any gifts OR cash from my small guest list. Most people used the money they would have on a gift to GET there. Expecting to recoup was not going to happen!
February 24, 2012 9:39 am
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In Argentina those who cannot afford to pay for a big wedding but want to invite lots of people, send some invitations “with a card”(con tarjeta), which means that guests pay for their costs. This is a way for people who really want to share their joy to be able to be there, regardless of whether the couple has money or not.
February 24, 2012 9:45 am
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WHOA!
Bank account numbers?
Whoa. Jaw has dropped.
February 24, 2012 1:16 pm
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@HH
Yup, sadly I’m not kidding. When my boyfriend and I started talking about getting married we knew we didn’t want that kind of wedding right away, so we started talking about how we could it, and still be able to afford it.
We’re having a non-traditional DIY wedding in September, and although we got a few raised eyebrows, I think it’ll be okay!
February 25, 2012 2:06 am
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Another angle on money: I’ve heard someone analyse the tradition of giving money and presents to the bride and groom as like a community loan, to set them up, which the bride and groom will pay back/pay forward at all the weddings to come in their life.
From that perspective big gifts ( I heard of a lounge suite from a family at a big Samoan wedding) makes more sense.
February 25, 2012 4:29 pm
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I really don’t understand this idea from a financial point of view. If gifts were supposed to cover wedding expenses, then it would make a lot more financial sense to not invite anyone and just buy all the stuff yourself. I mean, you don’t invite people to “make money.” If you did, you’d only break even under this rule. You invite them to celebrate with them. Maybe I’m just thinking too rationally.
February 24, 2012 9:33 am
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Parents pay for the wedding, thus treating the guests to a nice meal and evening out. The guests, in turn, give nice gifts to the couple. It’s kind of the same idea as a shower. The host holds the event in honor of the person, then the guests bring gifts.
I realize this is not the way it works for most couples now, but I think that’s where this whole idea comes from.
February 24, 2012 9:36 am
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If you go wayyyy back in our history, wedding gifts were unheard of. Couples got married at home with their families and a few close friends in attendance.
All the items for the couple’s new household were made or purchased before the wedding. In fact, one historian said there was a remark written by a bride back then who said a friend gave her a gift for her wedding and it astonished her.
Later, weddings moved into churches and having that larger space meant the whole thing became more of a choreographed production with more guests. Wedding gifts became common after that.
So yeah. I’ve often thought it would be easier to just have a small wedding and equip the house yourself. ;)
February 24, 2012 12:52 pm
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That’s what a hope chest was for. A young girl/woman would put aside things she had made or been given over the years to help furnish or decorate her “married” home.
February 24, 2012 1:41 pm
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I feel similarly about the vulgarity of trying to match value of gift to price of dinner, both as the giver and receiver. reading wedding blogs i’ve heard stories of people not giving gifts (not even a card) and all I can think is how rude it is to not even give a small, cheap (homemade if necessary) gift as a way to express “we’re happy for you and want to celebrate your future together.” but to expect anything more than that is just tacky. (not to mention impractical, if you just want the stuff, just buy the stuff and say no gifts and spend less on the wedding. easy.) I think people who try to match cost of plate to cost of gift are honestly trying to graciously avoid under- or over-gifting (my mom told me once she tries to do that but beforehand and in a way that makes sure she’s being as generous as she feels is appropriate, but she would NEVER bring her checkbook that’s horrible). Anyway, people who throw weddings just for the gift deserve to be disappointed…people who throw weddings for the marriage know that the gifts are just part of the celebration, no matter how big or small! Call me cheesy, but it’s the thought that counts.
February 24, 2012 7:30 am
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I never heard this concept about matching the cost of the present to the cost of the meal until the Internet. The first time I heard it, I think my mouth was open in horror for several minutes.
Definitely not an idea that originated in the southeast, that’s for sure.
February 24, 2012 7:55 am
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As a fellow Southeasterner, I think I had a physical shock the first time I heard of this practice. I was always taught that you give within your means, and possibly according to how close you are to the couple. And if you are a gift recipient, you lavish the same thanks on the person who brings you the homemade recipe card holder as you do on the person who brings the KitchenAid mixer.
February 24, 2012 8:54 am
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That’s how I was raised in Pennsylvania too.
February 24, 2012 12:48 pm
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Allison,
You explained the southern philosophy to perfection. That is exactly how I was brought up too, and I think it’s one thing southern culture does right. It’s a graceful way.
February 24, 2012 12:56 pm
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That’s how I was raised, too, by a New England mother and a Midwestern father. The whole idea of giving cash for any gift was taboo in my family. I’m not a very popular wedding guest around these parts!
February 24, 2012 1:46 pm
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This is a sad trend I’ve been finding. And a dangerous topic to get me started on.
Want to get married? Great, get married. Have a wedding, invite everyone you want. If you want cocktails, have cocktails. If you want a fancypants chef cooking your meal, do that.
Leave the gifts/money/fundraising out of it. If someone wants to throw you a shower, sweet. People want to give you gifts? Great. But uhhhh … don’t factor that into your budget or planning.
As a guest? Give a gift that you are comfortable giving, leave the meal out of it. And for the love of god don’t be some people I know who says will take cash out of his gift envelope if there’s not an open bar.
February 24, 2012 8:04 am
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We didn’t get gifts, which was fine, but I WAS upset that we only got a handful of nice cards. I would have liked to have them as mementos!
February 24, 2012 9:42 am
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I second Kayleigh–when we were starting to plan a low-key picnic wedding, we got some pushback from parents mostly because they wanted to make sure we were doing this because it’s how we wanted it, not because we just wanted to save money (and that we were sad about having to budget). Once we sent out the invites and they could see how excited we were about it, they totally backed off and got excited about the plan we’d chosen. I think before you make any decisions, people like to weigh in with the pros and cons–in an effort to be helpful, if you want to be generous. But once you set your course, they should get on board.
I should also note though, that we did feel guilty about not doing a full-on wic wedding and that, as well as the fact that we already had a very well-appointed home, was the driving reason behind our asking for no gifts. which, as it turned out, was silly because people did want to give us something to celebrate the occasion.
February 24, 2012 6:33 am
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Since it hasn’t been pointed out yet, I’ll add one more thing. If you SHOULD want to do a first dance (or just some post-nuptial shimmying) on the roof, I’m sure you can bring an ipod and some pro speakers and crank some tunes up there, with your venue’s permission.
Also, if anyone gives you slack about the money you’re not spending (agreed: monsters), remind them that by saving money now you’ll have money to come visit them later. Except of course that if they were giving me slack about that, my desire to come visit them would plummet. But, you know, if it’s far away family or whatever.
February 24, 2012 6:38 am
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People who complain about how much money you’re spending don’t deserve any answer at all.
February 24, 2012 7:22 am
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It’s amazing the opinions that spill out of peoples’ mouths when you tell them about your wedding, isn’t it? I tried to get out of opening gifts at my shower and my bridesmaids were horrified, so I did it anyway. It’s also amazing that people think weddings are a trade off for a gift.
Anyway – your idea is fabulous. Anyone who thinks it’s terrible can stay at home and miss out on the fun!
February 24, 2012 6:38 am
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While I love the idea of a cocktail reception, I’d just make sure you are respecting your families and their cultures. For instance, in my husband’s family, that idea did not go over well at all. That’s not what they do. Their cultural background is built around meals, and when you get married, you have a meal as a family– it’s like consummating the marriage. Yeah they are all 2+ generation X-American, but that’s what they do and it’s really, really important to them. I love it in retrospect, even though i found it hard to deal with at first. Guess that means i’m family now.
Anyway my point is to listen past those shallow bribes and see what they are really saying, because sometimes people aren’t good at articulating what they really mean when it is important.
February 24, 2012 6:42 am
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Girl! Just keep on keepin’ with the idea you’re excited about. Everyone loves to complain because it makes them feel better about themselves (human nature). When your wedding day rolls around, everyone will be gracious.
February 24, 2012 6:44 am
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I can really relate to your situation. I’m a long-time vegetarian and my fiance just recently went vegetarian;we decided a few months ago that our brunch reception is going to be vegetarian. (I mean really, who needs meat at brunch anyway with so many other amazing brunch foods out there??) We also decided that we weren’t going to tell anyone this, but a few people have already made the assumption (and darn them for assuming correctly) that our meal will be vegetarian. Some of their reactions have been more than a little rude, and it’s taken all my willpower to NOT ackowledge it in the least. So my advice to you? Stick to your guns! If people aren’t going to attend your wedding or give you a gift (who does that? I love giving people wedding gifts) just because of what you’re feeding them or not feeding them, that is seriously their problem. It honestly just makes THEM look bad. Plus I think cocktail receptions are super classy and finger food is delicious!
February 24, 2012 6:47 am
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I always think this is completely bizarre. I’ve heard about people getting upset about this before. If you and your partner are vegetarian(/vegan/lactose intolerant/etc.) why in the world WOULDN’T you serve food that you can eat and enjoy at your own celebration???
Plus, BRUNCH, hello! There are so many amazing breakfast/light lunch foods that don’t even include one little speck of meat.
February 24, 2012 7:01 am
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Yes, thank you! That’s exactly how I feel: why would I have something on the menu that I myself wouldn’t eat? And brunch really is the perfect meal to to be vegetarian and still loaded with delicious foods.
February 24, 2012 7:07 am
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That’s why I’m doing an afternoon desert wedding/reception! I’ve been veg for 10ish years and the vegetarian options are very close to nil in the area surrounding my hometown. I can’t wait to eat lots of cookies and cake and pie (oh my)! And it’s much easier to plan from 2000 miles away…
February 24, 2012 10:32 am
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That’s a great option too! Who doesn’t love dessert?
February 24, 2012 11:34 am
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We did a “dessert soirée” reception (desserts and dancing) for a number of reasons, but being a mostly-vegetarian was definitely one of them. We had an evening wedding (8 pm) and the reception started around 9ish, and it was great fun. Dancing and desserts (and nuts, fruit, baguettes and brie to be diabetic-friendly). Yum. We loved it and never heard a complaint. (Except from my dad who kept suggesting we get those “little fancy wieners.” We thought about putting one hot dog and bun on the table with a sign in it with my dad’s name on it, but we just didn’t have time/energy to see that idea through. :)
(And most of our planning was also long distance too! Good luck!)
February 24, 2012 4:04 pm
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I’ve had some push-back from caterers, too. There’s an extensive list of allergies in my family, but we manage to cook and eat tasty food every day. We don’t go out to eat much since the allergies were diagnosed, though, and it always requires extensive planning.
Well, on my wedding day, when my family’s paying thousands of dollars for the food, we will NOT be picking through it and around it for what we like and what won’t make us sick. We will safely and happily eat everything. Our guests won’t notice if there’s no onions or bread rolls, if the PROFESSIONAL cooks can do their jobs.
February 24, 2012 10:28 am
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My sister had the same issue at her wedding with people questioning vegetarian food and whether they’d like it or whether they’d have enough to eat. At my wedding, my husband and I purposefully did not disclose what the meal was going to be. If people asked, we said, “come and find out!” (I should point out that I would have made an exception for people with any specific allergies — but this wasn’t an issue with our guest list). I think it’s like being invited to a dinner party — you don’t call the host, ask what they are serving and then question it or criticize it. You show up, you eat what you want to eat and if it’s not enough for you, you can stop on your way home and pick up something else.
February 24, 2012 10:33 am
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P, I completely agree with this. We’ve decided to not make it a point of telling anyone what food will be at the reception. I like your reponse of “Come and find out!” if people ask. Our problem is just that many of our guests know us so well that they automatically assume our menu will be vegetarian, and they are correct! But my lips are still sealed.
This entire topic RE: weddings & meals gets me very fired up because people really have no business asking and they have no business telling the bride or groom to their faces that they don’t like what type of food the couple has decided to serve. What happened to manners??
February 24, 2012 11:42 am
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I love the “come and find out” bit. It’s not like the food should be a deciding factor in whether people come.
The venue (restaurant) I’m having my reception at does at set daily menu – that changes every single day. So when my guests ask it’s really “Whatever the Chef cooks”. Of course, we know/love the restaurant very much and trust the chef, plus they’ll work with any allergies/vegetarian issues as long as we can let them know ahead of time (a request for that will be included in the invitation).
February 24, 2012 12:59 pm
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Q: What’s the meal going to be?
A: Delicious!
February 24, 2012 4:08 pm
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We had a Sunday afternoon ceremony (at 2:30 p.m.) with a reception right afterward, and we served about a dozen different types of cookies and cupcakes and brownies and such along with punch and coffee and tea, and it was ROCKIN’. Seriously. We absolutely loved it, and so did our quests. We did have a nice rehearsal dinner the night before with our closest friends and family, so I almost felt like we got the best of both worlds.
If the idea of this makes you happy (emotionally AND budget-wise, since both are good!) then I say go for it. People who give you a hard time about this are weird and completely rude.
Also, yay Liz!
February 24, 2012 6:59 am
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Yum- this sounds SO good.
February 24, 2012 4:10 pm
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We did this and everyone loved it!! We did a toast and cut the cake right away, and then the rest of afternoon everyone was free to snack on whatever they wanted and drink the day away! During the planning one of my aunts asked me what song I was dancing to with my dad. I told her that we weren’t having any dancing. She said, “You *have* to have dancing at a wedding!” My mom, thankfully, came right back with, “She doesn’t *have* to do anything!” That was the best advice I got and can offer to you- you don’t have to do anything! No meal, no problem! I secretly thought it was fine if people left my afternoon reception a little bit hungry so they could go home and eat dinner!
February 24, 2012 7:03 am
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I love your mother…
February 24, 2012 10:42 am
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1. If I were invited to your wedding I would ABSOLUTELY bring you a gift. Please ignore the horrible people who suggested that you need to feed them dinner in order for them to feel compelled to help you build your life together.
2. I wanted a reception just like this, but let my fiance and parents talk me out of it. Now we’re throwing an affair that could only be referred to as a circus and I’m really wishing I’d followed the advice here. No matter how far down the road of fancy wedding things you go (and we are all the way to the insane land of 200 guests, sit-down dinner, band, big white dress and multiple matchy-matchy bridesmaids dresses), there will always be things that you feel you are “denying” your guests. If you let them convince you to start sliding, you could wind up feeling bad that you’re not giving them a band AND a DJ, or that you’re not giving them a choice of meals for their fancy sit-down dinner, or that your chairs need to have covers and ribbons. I know, because I’m right there, and it’s flipping ridiculous. I know it’s hard, but stick to your guns. This is your wedding, not theirs. Make your decisions accordingly, I promise that they will get over it.
February 24, 2012 7:03 am
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So far, I’ve gotten grief over several things; like the fact that I’m getting married on a Thursday (because “who gets married on a Thursday? don’t you want anyone to come??”), and that my wedding invitation was only one page and had minimal information (just a quick “we’re getting married! join us! to rsvp and for more information, please go to our website”) and how dare I send people to my website instead of just giving them all the information up front, and a slightly pink wedding dress (“it’s not a wedding dress if it’s not white”) with bridesmaids who don’t wear the EXACT SAME THING? (“can the shoes at least all be the same??”)
People told me at the beginning of my engagement that there will always be haters, or that opinions are like a-holes and everyone has one. lol But I was definitely unprepared to hear it, especially coming from my family. But you have to trust in yourself and what you want sometimes. It works out!
I’m two months away and everything is pretty much set. Haters can hate, but it’s time to pretend to be deaf and focus on making the day as fun as possible for you and your future husband! :) Good luck!
February 24, 2012 7:09 am
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I really hope we get some pictures of this pink dress in a wedding grad post, miss.
February 24, 2012 7:25 am
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You probably will. So far, it looks like my seamstress will be able to pull off a pretty dreamy dress (light pink habotai silk with glitter diamond white tulle layered over it? yes please) which is surprisingly cheaper than having bought one off the rack or through a bridal salon…
I don’t know that I have much to say that no one’s heard before, but I’d been thinking about submitting SOMETHING once all the wedding hoopla is over.
February 24, 2012 7:38 am
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I relate so much to this- thanks for sharing! I also want a pale pink dress and we’re getting married late afternoon on a Sunday and we’re doing a cocktail type reception and my maid of honor can wear whatever she wants (and yes, only one in my bridal party, another point of judgement from people).
Focusing on ourselves and our fiances is the most important thing- so true!
February 24, 2012 7:43 am
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The worst part? A lot of the decisions we made were largely made to help accomodate others while still being a wedding that met our needs and wants: Thursday wedding so that people traveling the 6000 miles to get to our wedding (including us!) would be able to fly there and back and not be so jetlagged after it was all over; one page wedding invitation to not only save money and postage but so people wouldn’t have to take the trouble to mail RSVP cards; mismatched bridesmaid dresses because I couldn’t find it in me to dictate having 4 girls spread all over the world buy $200+ dresses just so they could match instead of making sure they spent what they wanted to spend on dresses they felt they looked good in…
Most people spout their opinions without ever really knowing the reasons behind it. I think that we naturally want our decisions to be understood and respected off the bat, but a lot of times, it feels like people assume we make decisions that we pulled out our butts. lol We just have to remember that WE know why we’re doing what we’re doing and continually remind ourselves that we are not as insane as people think. It helps if you have at least one person who has your back. But hey! We all have each other! We are NOT crazy! lol
February 24, 2012 8:45 am
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On the off-chance this helps you: what helped me deal with the many comments I got when I was planning my wedding was thinking about people’s comments as being secretly about THEM, not about me. If someone commented about the necessity of sit-down meal, I’d think, “Oh for this one person, a sit-down dinner is a really key part of a wedding. That’s interesting.” In some ways, I used the inevitable comments as if they were part of a research project on what people think about weddings. For me, at least, this perspective helped me feel less judged and to take the comments less personally.
February 24, 2012 10:48 am
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I had a Thursday night wedding reception. Everyone, including the initial nay sayers, enjoyed themselves. Best wishes.
February 24, 2012 8:29 am
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I love the pale pink dress idea; it sounds gorgeous and can’t wait to see pictures here. But – and I freely admit this is a generational thing – I really don’t like being forced to go to a website to find out the details. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, but it still catches me by surprise.
February 24, 2012 8:32 am
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Aw thanks!
I’m well aware there are people who don’t like to do the website thing (like some of the older folks who are invited). That’s what my mom is for. lol i kind of expect that. (It’s a small wedding and she likes to call people anyway)
What drives me nuts though is when people who are on facebook or whatever 24 hours a day start complaining about having to go to a website. REALLY??? So stinking crazy.
February 24, 2012 8:48 am
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Sounds like we might need a little bit of shame blasting up in here. You should have the wedding you want, and you don’t have to apologize for it!*
February 24, 2012 7:11 am
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Hey Liz, you ROCK!
Also, I had a daytime wedding (the ceremony ended around 12:30pm) and then had the nerve to ask my guests to drive (or take the provided shuttle bus) over an hour away to the middle of the woods where my family has a cabin. And you know what, NO ONE who came complained. In fact they all had so much fun that most people stayed until 2am. 2am! So yeah, I’m all for day-time weddings and as Meg always says “Your wedding is not an imposition”.
February 24, 2012 7:18 am
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We had a cocktail reception on a Friday night (so, a different “off time”), and received a few odd looks at first, but when we talked to people about it we focused on how we wanted a relaxed atmosphere where people could mingle and move around freely, rather than talking about the money saved. We also tended to throw in a joke about how we were people who tended to overstuff ourselves with appetizers at every dinner party, because we think they’re the best part of the meal!
And once we figured out the menu and could talk about it, even the naysayers got excited. Ultimately no one went hungry (even my husband and I, who barely had time to touch any food) and we got the fun, rambling cocktail party we hoped for. Six months later, all of our guests talk about how fun it was, and we often get compliments on the cocktail reception format itself.
So I say, go for it! The rooftop sounds amazing! Mention it on your invites, let the information spread by word of mouth, and plan a delicious menu of snacks for your guests. And have fun!
February 24, 2012 7:36 am
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I’m newly engaged (3 weeks!) and we’re planning on only doing heavy appetizers and pie/ice cream. We want the focus to be on dancing and mingling and so often with a sit down meal you don’t get to see & talk to everyone. We’re also getting married on a Sunday AND we’re paying for it ourselves. We’d rather get good food then a lot of not so great food to feed them for a sit down meal, spend money on booze, and on the photographers.
I’m so surprised how hard it is to not take people’s judgements personally. It’s already started and I’ve had to constantly check in with my fiance to reground myself in our vision. It is, after all, OUR day.
February 24, 2012 7:40 am
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Congratulations on your engagement — and on finding APW already! I can say from experience that it will help keep you sane. I was also pretty surprised at how personally I took people’s comments so you’re not alone. I don’t think I realized how vulnerable I would feel during the planning process. But as I just commented above, one thing that helped me was to think of people’s comments as being more about them and their preferences than a judgement about me or my choices. Hope this helps!
February 24, 2012 11:00 am
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Just chiming in that the “no meal no gift” line has me twitching. Seriously? If this is your approach to the wedding/why you would get married or go to a wedding, you are in serious need of some perspective. And agree with everyone – letter writer, your wedding idea sounds so fun! Go for it & then post the pictures so we can all attend vicariously.
February 24, 2012 7:47 am
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I had a three course dinner Thursday night wedding reception, and some people were up in arms about the Thursday night bit. Some people were concerned about the lack of cake cutting and first dancing and bouquet tossing.
My point is that you should host the wedding you want. There will always be nay-sayers.
February 24, 2012 8:06 am
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As someone who has spent the past two days in a tizzy with similar concerns, to the point of calling all new locations and vendors and completely changing plans, I am really glad to see this post today.
We’re having a tiny, family-only ceremony, then asking our friends to come celebrate on a Saturday night with lots of snacking and (lots of) wine. Now I’m freaking out. Will people come just for a party? Will they want a full meal? Will they think it’s weird if we’re not planning a dance or any Traditional Wedding Activities?
But, as my Practical Fiancé keeps pointing out, we’re not living a traditional life. Why would we have a Traditional Wedding? We quit our jobs last summer and have been travelling around the country ever since in an RV. We aren’t big dancers. We just want to gather our friends and family and toast our new married life. So, eff it. That’s what we’re going to do. It feels right for us, and it’s our kind of fun.
If I received an invite to a Sunday afternoon cocktail party reception, I’d be thrilled. Weddings are about giving people the who love you and want to wish you well an opportunity to celebrate – a meal, a drink, a dance or a cake are all just icing on the, um, cake. Quite frankly, I can’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday than at a rooftop party – it sounds like a blast. Go for it!
February 24, 2012 8:06 am
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I don’t mean to be all ‘ohmygod I hate being hungry at weddings’ or anything. Except I am. To me you can serve whatever you like and screw any judgement (as all the coments above). HOWEVER, I do think you have to communicate this to people in advance very clearly, so they will not be expecting to be fed. I went to a wedding last year where the couple had said it would be passed food, but made it sound like it was dinner, just passed around while standing up (also, this was more into the evening). Also, it was in London, so there was some ever-so-slightly (said ironically) heavy drinking. And the reception lasted for like 5 hours (which was really fun, there was karaoke with live band, a singalong around a piano, dancing etc, just practically nothing to eat).
Things got quite messy by the end of the night and I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so hungry! But that was partly about a) the couple’s slightly misguided managing of expectations beforehand b) the shmancy venue being a bit stingy with the food that there was and c) the timing of the event. Eventually we snuck out of the reception and got pizza nearby, which was completely fine… just sort of wish I had known what the deal was or they had timed it differently so that we wouldn’t have felt so rude!
I don’t think you need to feed people at ALL, but you do need to make a situation friendly towards them feeding themselves.
February 24, 2012 8:12 am
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I agree. I have trouble envisioning how one can plan a reception without a meal AND having dancing/long reception. Has anyone had success with this? To me, if someone sits through a ceremony and then goes to a five hour reception with dancing, everyone will be starving (I know I would be). Is there a way to do a cocktail reception and still dance? Or do you all think a meal – even a casual one like pizza or hamburgers – is necessary if you’re hoping people will stay for a while and dance?
February 24, 2012 3:25 pm
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We did it. I just mentioned it a ways above, but to sum up, the ceremony was at 8 pm (so well after dinner) and then the reception (with dancing and live band) around 9. It continued non-stop to the wee hours of the morning. We left after 3 am, and we left 3 or 4 people there talking. :) Ours was a dessert reception, with a few other things that actually had protein. But for us, starting late was what we had to do, to make our game plan work while still having the night time party vibe we wanted.
February 24, 2012 4:21 pm
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Our reception was shorter than a typical mealtime reception, but people danced. Mid-afternoon champagne and a dessert buffet sugar-high plus a kickass live band = DANCING.
February 24, 2012 6:21 pm
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I agree – you don’t need to feed guests with a sit-down dinner, but you do need to be considerate and a good host. This includes not leaving things hanging while an extended photo session happens.
We had a mantra for my sister’s wedding that the goal of the wedding was that no guest would need to be “bored, tired or hungry” after a family member had been all three at a wedding where between the ceremony and the food there were 2 hours at while the couple had photos taken with almost nowhere to sit (tired), nothing to eat or drink (hungry) and nothing to do but talk.
So key decisions were: plenty of chairs available if need be, canapes and champagne served straight after the ceremony, and while the bride and groom took 90 minutes away from the venue to get some artistic photos, there was an optional activity to watch or participate in.
February 25, 2012 11:57 pm
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We did much the same thing, and asked most of our guests to travel across the country for the wedding to boot! I was worried about not feeding people a “real” meal, and compensated by ordering way too many canapes and a gigantic quantity of wine. Nobody (that I know of) went hungry or was cranky.
But… we did clearly and firmly tell people (via invitations and wedding website and verbal reminders) that there wouldn’t be a dinner. And we did throw a big “rehearsal dinner bbq” the night before the wedding for out-of-towners – which was everyone on our guest list save 6 people. So, I guess we did do a dinner, just not at the wedding and made people byob.
Also, we didn’t have a cake. Which initially freaked some people out, but by the time cake cutting would have happened they were stuffed with crab cakes and tipsy on Cabernet.
Go with your guts lady, your plans sound brilliant!
February 24, 2012 8:31 am
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I’m back to add my favorite name for these type of weddings – happy hour receptions. Everyone loves happy hour! You drink, you snack, you chat. It’s everything anyone could want in an outing.
February 24, 2012 8:34 am
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I adore cocktail receptions! Quite honestly, even at typical cocktail hour/dinner/dance receptions, I enjoy the food at cocktail hour the most. Create a wedding day that makes you & your partner happy!
February 24, 2012 8:35 am
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This idea that the wedding is somehow a transaction between guests and the couple is utterly repellent to me. I’ve only come across it in recent years, but it rubs me the wrong way.
So in my rural hometown, the afternoon finger food + cake and punch reception is the norm. It’s typically held in the church hall or someone’s backyard. I didn’t go to a wedding that included anything more than cake and snacks until I was nearly 22. People would think you were crazy to put on a full sit-down dinner for a wedding. My cousin’s wedding two summers ago took place at 2:30 in the afternoon and featured punch, cake, bottled water, and little biscuit sandwiches. Everyone had a fine time, and commented on how nice it was. Everyone gave a gift, because they wanted to wish them well.
When my high school best friends got married very young, in their tiny churches, I brought them the nicest gift I could afford as a college student, and we all happily ate cake and drank punch in tiny little crowded church halls, because we were happy for them. That was my concept of “wedding” until I started going to fancier affairs post-college, thrown by families of college classmates who had a lot more money than my high school friends’ families.
We’re going to be doing something similar for our wedding. We’ll hold it on a Sunday afternoon, after lunch but well before dinner. We’re having cake, punch, champagne and a few finger foods. It will have a garden party kind of vibe. Honestly, it never occurred to me that anyone would be offended. Some of my family members have had big dinner-and-dancing weddings, but certainly not all of them. And we’re specifically having it between mealtimes, when people should be fine with just cake and a snack. Our invitations will indicate “Dessert reception to follow”, which should let people know it’s not a full meal. It’s what we can afford, it’s what we want to do, and if it looks more like my grandparents’ weddings than what is considered the norm today in some circles, that’s okay.
If anyone should dare to express that my wedding isn’t fine or fancy enough for their tastes. Well… eff ‘em.
February 24, 2012 8:36 am
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I think we’ve already seen how sub-cultures (Italian American, Northeasteners, Southeasteners, etc.) have different norms or expectations regarding weddings. But with our cosmopolitan lives, most weddings involve a mix of sub-cultures among guests. For someone trying to meet everyone’s expectations, this makes things very hard. One or two families’ traditions and expectations are hard enough. But a dozen? Forgettaboutit.
February 24, 2012 10:41 am
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Allison, just like you, I’ve been to the A to Z of weddings. Everything from a cake and punch wedding in a church hall, to a sit down dinner with a full orchestra. Isn’t variety supposed to be the spice of life? We should celebrate it.
To this day, I have a couple of images stamped on my brain of the most elegant brides in memory. One was when I was a child and I remember the bride in the most beautiful empire wedding dress at the height of the sixties. It was all straight lines and modern with the most beautiful train. She was regal and smiling.
The other memory is of the very first person in my circle to get married. She had a ton of tulle spilling from her dress and she was standing next to this towering cake. She was so beautiful in that moment, it hurt. To this day, I remember there was something in the air at her wedding – a feeling of so much love.
Those two weddings remain vivid in my mind when others have been all but forgotten. And both of these were cake and punch weddings in a church hall.
February 24, 2012 1:25 pm
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I’m going to go back and read through the comments, so I apologize if I’m repeating what someone else has said but it makes me very sad when people that you deign to give details about your wedding to immediately become nay-sayers and feel it’s their duty to tell you you’re doing it ‘wrong.’ When I was planning my wedding, it came up in conversation with my supervisor at work that we were having a dry wedding and her reaction was one of incredulity, confusion and even anger. She said “Why would you PUNISH everyone else who’s going to your wedding just because YOUR FIANCE doesn’t drink?!” Mind you she was not invited, we weren’t even that close, and my wedding was a morning/luncheon wedding. To that I say really, it’s not their business because the decisions you make are YOURS just as the wedding is YOURS. Yes, it’s for your guests too but as soon as they start poo-pooing your ideas just because they aren’t what is expected of people who are getting married by the popular culture you can just poo-poo them right back. Who made them judge and jury of all things wedding-related?! No one. Ok, I’m done ranting now. Back to reading comments…
February 24, 2012 8:40 am
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Alcohol-free is PUNISHING your guests?????
Now there’s a giant leap in mental gymnastics! ;)
February 24, 2012 1:07 pm
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Will someone invite me to a Cake & Punch reception so I can give them mad props?
I always feel super awkward sitting at a table with people I don’t know eating some weird vegetarian dish (because catered vegetarian wedding food is rarely done well). And it’s worse when they CLOSE THE BAR during meal time! Who doesn’t like to drink a glass of wine or two with dinner?
February 24, 2012 8:44 am
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You’ve got to go with your instincts. This is ONE day in the lives of your guests, important, but will not have the lasting highs, lows, stresses and joys that you will carry with you until and after the day. Commit to your man, and to celebrating your union the way that brings you both life. Those closest to you, who KNOW you, should find a way to accept this. (Not saying it’s all going to be peaches and cream, juggling expectations is THE hardest part of planning ANYTHING!) Joy, laughter and love is contagious. Once you make your decisions, get excited about it and share the excitement! Your wedding party will be your cheerleaders and with all those things combined, the nay-sayers will change their tune in no time (and might even have a memorably wonderful time at that!) Good luck!
February 24, 2012 8:50 am
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I totally agree! We are ditching the whole sit down dinner thing for just extended appetizers. I mean who really years and years down the road remembers how fantastic dinner at a wedding is? No, they remember the good times, the dancing, the drinks, the smiles, the good vibes. Many times they remember things that were not expensive. Great first post, you rock Liz! <3
February 24, 2012 8:54 am
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Do it! We had a cupcakes, snacks and punch reception with a candy bar on a Saturday afternoon. No first dance, we had a tent in a field with lawn games and played a “first badminton match.” Old people sat in the tent and chatted, young people played croquet, bocce ball, badminton, horseshoes and eventually the people who wanted to dance just danced in the grass to the music! It was really fun, and your celebration will be too!
February 24, 2012 8:58 am
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