Ask Team Practical: Spending Money as a Guest

One of my dear friends is getting married. Hurrah! She’s getting married in early June in Orlando and is having a pretty large, grand wedding. We met in grad school, and even though I left the school (and the state) we’ve stayed friends from 1200 miles away. She is a lovely person, and in fact, had asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. Due to financial constraints, I told her that I loved her and would be there for her, but that I couldn’t be a bridesmaid. She totally understood (because she is wonderful). I know that she really wants me to be there, but my fiancé and I are having a really hard time rationalizing spending almost $1000 to fly down there, stay in a hotel for two nights, rent a car, and feed ourselves. We’ve looked into taking the train, flying in on the day of (nerve-wracking!), looking at less expensive hotels that are farther away, but no matter what we do, this is going to basically break our budget. We are planning our own wedding (to which this friend and her future-husband are invited), and trying to get on our feet having just moved in together. We even thought about just sending me, but that doesn’t really change a bulk of the expenses, and then I’d be alone and I don’t know anyone else going to the wedding, so I’d rather not do that.

I am absolutely torn up about this because I love her and I know how much she wants me there. I know that if I were in her shoes, and I’m sure that in a few months, I may be, that if someone told me that they couldn’t come to my wedding for financial reasons, I would totally understand, even if I was a little heartbroken. My question is this: how do I tell her this without completely tearing her apart, and how do I let her know how much I love her and support her in this wedding/marriage?

Thanks for your help,

Largely Emotional—Please Offer Opinions and Recommendations

Dear LE POOR,

Gosh can I relate. It’s really hard to have so many loved ones scattered far and wide. I want to go to all the weddings! Unfortunately, taking a tour of the continental US just to sample wedding cakes isn’t financially feasible (at least this is what my husband tells me).

You said you’re in the process of planning your own wedding, so take a breath and think about how silly this situation is. You’re stressing and feeling guilty about being unable to go. She’s probably stressing and feeling guilty about asking you to travel so far. Is that the way weddings are supposed to work? Invitations fraught with guilt and stress on both ends? What a mess.

Being invited to a wedding is sort of similar to hosting a wedding. In both situations, you need to make thoughtful decisions that suit your ideals and budget, without being overly concerned with what people will think as a result. In both situations, you need to let people be grown-ups instead of feeling it’s your responsibility to make everyone happy. You know how your wedding is not an imposition? Well, guess what. Your choice to attend or not attend is not an imposition. An invitation is not an obligation.

I know you really, really want to go, so just to cover your bases, make sure you explore all of your options. Have you looked for someone to stay with while you’re in town, instead of shelling out for a hotel? Have you asked her if there’s anyone else traveling from your area who could give you a ride? Have you tried hitchhiking? (Just kidding, don’t do that. It’s dangerous.) Read More…

Wedding Planning: You’re Doing It Right!

The other day (because God loves me?) I was working at a cafe, when a group of wedding planners got in a screaming fight in front of me. The whole thing was one of the most entertaining things that’s ever happened to me while working in public, since they were screaming about antiques and chandeliers, and then kept mentioning their business’ name (which of course I immediately looked up… obviously). But the most fascinating part was when the screaming match turned into a yell-y discussion of how to best make your clients book all the people you want them to, even if it costs them literally boat loads of money that they don’t want to spend. Awesome.

They said (yelled) that the best way to sell their preferred caterer was to explain to clients that this caterer cooked on site, and most caterers cooked off site (true, by the way, since you’re paying for the caterer’s kitchen), which meant that if you hired someone else, when the food arrived, it wasn’t going to be precisely the proper temperature. Leaving aside the fact that this isn’t even true (most caterers worth their salt will reheat as needed), it so profoundly missed the point of a wedding that I felt sort of… gleeful? I immediately had an image of all the guests pulling out their insta-read thermometers at once (the perfect favor?), and checking the temperature of their steak, only to tsk-tsk when they found it a few degrees low.

This, of course, just highlighted for me the difference between an awesome wedding planner and a shitty one. I mean first, I think we can all agree that you don’t need a wedding planner (though you do need someone in charge on the day of that’s not you, friend or hired). But if you’re going to get a wedding planner, you want an awesome one, who considers it part of their job to tell you: 1) You’re Doing Wedding Planning Right. 2) You Don’t Have To Spend A Crap Ton Of Money. 3) Your Wedding Is Going To Be Excellent Because It’s Yours. And 4) We Can Problem Solve Together.

Which brought me to thinking about, well, ourselves. Because the wedding planners I described are nothing more than the good and bad angels of the wedding industry, as I see it. One is about shaming and guilting you to think that you’re not enough (so you spend All The Money), and one is about helping you see that you ARE enough (and, who cares if you spend more money?). And while nothing is ever that simple, exactly, I do think we’ve all absorbed both of these perspectives into ourselves (the former a little too much). Read More…