How I Very Nearly Almost Cheated On My Husband


by Emily Threlkeld, Contributor

We started this week discussing cheating. In that story, an emotionally abusive marriage was falling apart, an affair happened, a marriage ended, and a new life started. Easy and ethical? No. True? Yes. Today, we have a post from Emily Threlkeld (who you’ll remember from her New Orleans elopement, her story about managing through immigration hurdles, and her Confessions of a Bridal Registry Consultant) about the affair she almost had. It turns out, most affairs and almost-affairs have a reason. A miserable life you don’t know how to escape, maybe. Or in Emily’s case, the singlehood she never mourned, and the new marriage she hadn’t had a chance to process. I hope, more than anything, today’s post will snap on a light bulb for someone about to make a not-right-for-them decision. That it will help them figure out WHY they wanted to make the choice in the first place.

How I Very Nearly Almost Cheated On My Husband | A Practical Wedding

I toyed with submitting this post anonymously, but decided against it. My husband knows all the details I’m about to lay out for you, and while I agree that my behavior was self-destructive and wrong, I’m attaching my name to this post because I think that APW is a safe place where we can discuss our lives as thoughtful adults and leave the shame (and shaming) at the door. That said: Mom, if you found this through Google, please go read something else.

I married the first man I had sex with. He’s definitely not the last person I slept with, but he was the first. Like most people, I had other lovers, ranging from the sensible to the ill advised, all who came after my husband and I broke up in college. But it wasn’t old lovers that got me into trouble; sometimes it’s the ones you don’t sleep with.

Many years ago, before I even met my husband, there was this guy. He had great taste in music and was probably the first person you’d pick to go on a bender with, if that paints a picture. Now I’m hardly the type of girl to go on a bender, but at the same time, at eighteen, I hadn’t ruled out the possibility.

At some point when we were still dating—we met a year later, when I was nineteen and a freshman in college—Ian asked me if I thought that we would have met if we hadn’t picked the same place to get our degrees, and I answered truthfully: “I don’t think so. I think we would have met other people that suited us.” My logical engineer surprised me by disagreeing. “I think we would have found each other anyway,” he said.

I love his certainty, and I find it sweet, but I it’s not a belief I subscribe to. I don’t think there’s just one person for everyone, because I don’t think we are just one person ourselves. Life is too messy for that. Yes, I’m the girl that married the first person she slept with, but I’m other girls, too. If it hadn’t worked out with Ian, or if it doesn’t in the future, I know that there are still people in the world that I could connect, fall in love, and start a life with.

So when Ian started working the night shift and we were hardly eating meals together, much less having sex, our relationship started to feel like it wasn’t working out and I started thinking about the guy who I hadn’t slept with all those years ago. I started calling him my great white whale. I started texting him. I started thinking about plane tickets and hotel rooms.

I started thinking about having an affair despite the fact that Ian and I had just recently celebrated our first anniversary. Despite the fact that after many years of a tumultuous on-again, off-again relationship, we had finally learned how to be nice to each other, and had, beyond all reason and expectation, started a healthy marriage. (As one of the idiots I used to sleep with said, upon hearing that we’d gotten married: “That must be such a victory for you.”)

One of the things that may have saved me is the fact that I can’t lie to Ian. I don’t know how or why this came about, because heaven knows I was great at it when we were dating. We both were. Maybe there’s some kind of truth serum that seeps into my bloodstream through my wedding band, but as soon as I say something like, “Here’s your cake, I gave you the bigger half,” seconds later, the truth will come flying out of my mouth. “…Okay, actually, that’s the slightly smaller half. I already ate the big piece.” What’s the opposite of compulsive lying? Because that’s what I have.

So at some point, between the narrow window when he came home from work and when he went to bed, I blurted out, “I’ve been texting this guy and I think I want to sleep with him.” He thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So you want to sleep with him and then what, leave me?” My reaction to this was immediate. “Gross!” The thought of being with the white whale forever was unappealing. He was like a Frito pie, a common treat at high school football games in Texas. You’re at the game, you’re hungry. There’s a bag of Fritos cut open and stuffed with canned chili and processed cheese sauce. Is it a good idea? No. Are you going to order it anyway? Probably. But to have that every day for the rest of your life? No thank you. “No. I just want to sleep with him.” My husband shrugged, said okay, and went to bed.

I wish I could say it ended there, but it didn’t. I was still barely seeing my husband, and it felt nice to get attention from someone, no matter the source. We kept texting and talking on the phone late at night. I thought about this guy at red lights, staring into space with two hands on the steering wheel. I thought about him as I poured glasses of wine for myself in what was increasingly an empty apartment. I even thought of him when I went on a weekend yoga retreat at the beach, where during a meditation, I heard that still small voice inside me say, “Please don’t cheat on your husband.”

I wish I could say all of this ended with some big epiphany or decision, some line I drew in the sand, some vow I made to be a better person, but the truth is that the great white whale lost interest and swam off, just like he had six years before. And Ian got transferred to the day shift, and soon I forgot about the whole thing.

But with this whole experience about a year in my rearview mirror, here’s what I figured out: In the end—surprise!—it wasn’t about the guy. What I was really pining over was what I gave up when I get married, something I’d never even considered. When we eloped, it felt like such a grand adventure that I never really thought about the life I was leaving behind. I never grieved for my singlehood. Not only that, but instead of looking at my marriage, which was in a difficult spot, I tried to escape. I wasted time and energy thinking about something that was never going to happen instead of finding a way to make our relationship stronger. I think deep down some part of me knew that it wasn’t really about the guy, or I would have been flirting with someone much closer to home. I would have found someone else’s arms to escape to, and I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

Editor’s note: Emily’s post got the staff talking about the idea of “almost mistakes” and whether or not they happen more often than we’d like to admit. So we thought we’d throw it to Team Practical and see what you have to say. So, tell us, what was your biggest relationship almost-mistake? Did you learn anything about yourself or your relationship by almost making it?

Photo by: Emily’s personal collection

Emily Threlkeld

Emily’s first marriage was to her stuffed raccoon Ringo (named for the Beatle). She wore her yellow Easter dress to the ceremony, and her mother officiated. She has a BFA in Creative Writing, a cat named after the heroine of To Kill a Mockingbird, and a permanent case of wanderlust.

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  • Hillori

    My almost-mistake: getting married the 1st time.

    I learned so much about life, myself, failing, what is important, what is important to me… in short, I grew up by not getting married the 1st time.

    Now I’m getting married to my One. We may not live happily-ever-after, but we will live out the adventure together.

  • anon

    This post is particularly interesting to me, because I have made what I thought were ‘almost mistakes’ at the time, but that turned out to be actual mistakes once I realized what exactly I’d done (this is not at all what I think this writer did; it’s what I did). If the pain I feel has taught me anything, it’s the difference between humility and a low-self esteem. I’ve always had the latter and it opened me up to feeling vulernable and to needing constant, overwhelming validation and attention that my partner, or really, any one person, could not possibly provide. Having gained some humility, and having realized all the things I am capable of doing (compulsive honesty is not my problem), I feel better equipped to recognize and manage the warning signs that this writer talked about.

    Side note that I might offer up for discussion on APW one day: all these posts get me thinking about how our media talks about cheating in such a mixed message kind of way. RomComs are filled with people having affairs or event declaring their love to other people on their wedding day (I just saw “13 going on 30″ on TV last night), and that’s okay, because it’s true love…but what about when you truly love your partner and, like the writer says, it has nothing to do with that other person or your interest in being with them forever… its about you and the shit you’re working through? I feel like there are so few models for these feelings, and so many almost affairs may shift into real affairs because we haven’t talked openly about what these feelings look like and how to expect and control them. Sorry for the side ramble. It’s a thought-provolking post.

    • Allie

      Regarding your side note- see the movie: The Last Kiss

      The first time I saw it I hated it (more because of where I was in life in a lot of ways) but I made myself watch it again a few years later before I got hitched and really understood it at a different level…

      • http://poppiesandicecream.blogspot.com/ Amanda

        Oh yes… and if you can watch the original (italian) version, for some reason the characters there seem more “real”-

      • http://www.alwaysorderdessert.com Alejandra

        Also the movie called Last Night with Keira Knightly touches on this side of infidelity (and almost-infidelity).

        • http://www.emilyjacobsma.blogspot.com MNEmily

          Also watch The Freebie. It’s about a married couple who give eachother each one “freebie” night to cheat. I won’t tell you what happens. It’s marketed as a comedy but it’s very dramatic.

          • Dani B

            Brief Encounter sums up my biggest almost-mistake (which turned out to be a turning point in what is now a much, much better relationship, but that’s a different story). It’s available on Youtube for free and I recommend a box of tissues at the ready.

        • http://peachyringsaredead.blogspot.com Ceej

          I watched this movie recently and it made me SO MAD at my husband. Who had done nothing. Stupid trickster movies.

  • One More Sara

    About 2 months after my FI and I started dating, I nearly ended it with him. He went back home (an 8 hr plane trip away) just days before my sister’s wedding (and coincidentally, his sister’s wedding, which was the day before). The distance and the commitment were pretty terrifying, ended up drinking way too much and cheated. The (other) guy didn’t know I wasn’t single, and as a MOH with no date, I guess I looked pretty single. Anyway, afterwards he was pretty understanding and we sent a few e-mails back and forth. I was so confused. Should I keep things going with the guy an ocean away? or the guy just a long drive away? I started listening to my friends more than myself and nearly made a terrible decision. In the end, I chose the right guy, and even through all the immigration struggles and language barriers, I am still so sure that I made the right choice.

    • http://www.abuttercreamwedding.com Sara C.

      I’m glad that you stayed!

      As for me, I am so thankful that my ex-boyfriend did not allow me to make my almost mistake. When he moved across the country, I was so scared of breaking up/thought I was so into him that I was ready to move as well. Thankfully he realized that we weren’t meant for each other and refused to let me come…which would have been a huge mistake, because a couple months later I “re-met” (we had been in undergrad together) my now soon-to-be husband.

  • http://www.funnysmartandimportant.blogspot.com Lindsay

    After dating a year, my spouse and I tried a long distance relationship, which we did for another year. During that time, I met someone else I developed feelings for, which was like a year of almost-mistakes. I broke up with my spouse after a year, and by that point this other person wasn’t interested anymore. But in hindsight, I needed that year to be single and discover myself. This quote resonated with me strongly: “…who I am, and what I need, these are things I have to find out myself.” —Chinua Achebe. And by the time I figured that out and become self-assured, I knew I wanted to be with my spouse after all. Sometimes he teasingly gives me crap for breaking up with him, but I tell him that without breaking up with him then, I doubt we’d be married today. That time apart was essential for us to be together now.

    I met someone a few weeks ago that I really clicked with and I thought to myself, “If I wasn’t married, I’d call him up and ask him out for drinks.” But the funny part is that when I was single, I was never THAT person, the forward one who knows what she wants and goes for it with few hesitations. It took me being married and secure in my relationship and myself to have that self-confidence that goes along with asking a random person out. And part of it wasn’t so much the person, but what Emily recognized also – feeling like I missed out on that time in my life to randomly pick up people and see if we work together. But that’s the choice I made when I got married.

    If I’m going to do anything with someone who isn’t my spouse, it will (hopefully) be because he’s GGG about it.

  • Anon for today

    My almost mistake – When my husband and I were first dating (when I was 22, for godsakes!), I was working at an office with an older (like 26), wiser, handsome attorney who gave me loads of totally inappropriate attention that I just ate up with a spoon. Here was a *man* – professional, wealthy, adult – while my boyfriend and I were really still kids – staying out too late, drinking too much, waiting for our professional lives to start (with grad school in the fall), hanging on to college for dear life, so scared of what being an adult meant… anyway, I seriously thought about ditching my new boyfriend for a summer fling with an older man. But something held me back – perhaps the pure *goodness* in the boyfriend and the knowledge that it would be, could be much more than a summer fling with him. I made the very adult decision to stay, and never looked back. Eight years later, and nearly two years into a very fulfilling marriage, I know I made the right choice by walking away from that almost mistake.

  • low talker

    Ummm. I have made mistakes (before I met my now-husband), which, although awful at the time, helped me to make almost-mistakes (that is, AVOID those mistakes) later. Like others, in the early stages in my relationship with him I was given a lot of flattery and inappropriate attention from older, successful men. Five years later, I thank my lucky stars I managed to keep my head above water there and stick with my partner. My previous experiences definitely helped me maintain my perspective.

    • http://peachyringsaredead.blogspot.com Ceej

      My experience isn’t necessarily with older guys, but I am SO GLAD I have the experience of having been a terrible partner in the past. Every relationship I had before my P, I cheated either physically or emotionally. Or both. And even WITH my P, I emotionally cheated, then we broke up, but once we got back together I never looked back. (So far “never” = over 3 years)

      I am so so so happy that I know from experience that the other guy is never worth it. And usually is someone I’d never want to actually be with. Because HI OMG he’s seriously interested in an unavailable woman. Red. Flag.

    • MARBELLA

      I am thankful for my past mistakes, as just like you, they’ve allowed me to avoid making them again. Even in a long-distance relationship, I was able to see almost-mistakes coming and side step them – I don’t think I would have been able to do that without the emotional knowledge that comes from making those mistakes previously.

  • ANON

    I almost didn’t kiss my now-husband because I was dating someone else. But how else do you determine if you are, in fact, totally in love with your best friend while you still adore your current boyfriend if not by drunkenly kissing them? I’m not proud but I think holding back or breaking up on the off-chance that it was true/mutual/possible would have been a mistake.

    • Gloria

      bingo. essentially the same this happened to me. and i needed that kiss to realize that i was ready to really jump into my relationship with my now fiance. when we had just started dating i had basically just come out of 2 long term relationships back to back (5 years, and then 1 year) which were fairly serious.

      i needed to kiss my best friend and know that i was ready to not be single anymore, and ready to do those things that i wasn’t ready for in my last 2 relationships, like move in together. and while i regret that it had to happen, i know it needed to.

  • http://midwestlantern.blogspot.com/ Midwest Melissa

    Thank you for the thought-provoking post. I must admit, what I’m really alarmed by, though, is learning about Frito Pie. How have I never heard of this? Do they really dump the toppings INTO the bag? How do you eat it – with utensils or your hand? Woah.

    • http://threlkelded.net Emily

      They give you a plastic fork! And yes, you really do eat it out of the bag.

      • http://www.laughterinthelou.com Emma

        And yes, it is always a good idea. And yes, it is always a bad idea.

      • http://danaplusmike.com DanaDou

        We called it a “walking taco” in my Michigan grade school. I was so jealous of the kids who got to eat school lunch. :)

    • Ashley B-M

      Oh yes, and in SD where I worked for a time this was called a “walking taco.” As a Texan I thought this was insanity, it’s obviously a Frito pie. Hell, Fritos are MADE IN DALLAS! Clearly I’m right. Anyway, many a drunken night ended with frito pies and fights about frito pie v. walking taco. I’ll give SD points for the absurdity of the phrase “walking taco.”

      • Carly

        I live in Indiana and it’s a walking taco here too. (I’m originally from the east coast and never heard of it until I moved here.) My husband is from IN and said they used to have them in their school cafeteria!

        • http://www.sarahhoppes.com Sarah

          Ha! Ohioans call it a walking taco, too. Must be a midwest thing. They served it to us in our public school lunch, too. That didn’t seem weird as a kid, but what a terrible thing to feed kids as an officially sanctioned meal!

        • http://landlockedlove.blogspot.com Kelly

          Ditto another East Coaster never hearing about this until moving to the Midwest! In Minnesota they use a bag of doritos…

          • http://zoefaye.tumblr.com Zoeeee

            At my high school in CA they called it a Frito Boat or something like that. Well, the students did. The teachers called it Heart Attack in a Sack.

          • Dawn

            Walkin taco in Florida too — and also done with doritos. Seriously, my boyfriend and I still make this sometimes (well, we’re classy enough to eat it on a plate, using doritos as nachos).

          • http://highdivingboard.wordpress.com Morgan

            I’m in Alberta and they’re called, creatively, taco in a bag.

        • mimi

          I live in Michigan and have never heard of it in any form….

        • Heather

          I’m another East Coast transplant to the Midwest who only learned about “walking tacos” recently. I’ve heard Doritos or Fritos can be used, depending on preference in this part of IL.

      • Another Meg

        Walking taco in Missouri! But we don’t fill it with Chili- we use actual taco meat, lettuce, tomatoes, sour cream… you get the picture.

    • http://minnesota-chic.com PA

      As a Minnesota transplant, I can only assume that someone at the State Fair sells some version of this … only fried and on a stick.

    • Kristen

      Sounds totally nasty, tastes delicious. I recommend adding jalapenos!

  • ANON

    I’ve made a similar almost-mistake to the OP, and found myself asking “is one moment with this person really going to be better than the rest of my life with future-husband?”.
    The fact that I had to ask made me step back and try to figure out what exactly what going on. My relationship with future-husband has almost always been strong and healthy, but it’s also been going on since high school, and I only ever dated one other person. My almost-mistake prompted me to discuss with him my need to mourn the singlehood that I never really had, and that ended up being really great for both of us.

    • Also Anon

      My partner and I have also been together since high school, and we’ve both had similar almost-mistakes because of it. Mine was being too flirtatious with a friend while he was studying abroad and we were only speaking once a week. His was answering craigslist ads that he didn’t really intend to see through behind my back more recently. Both were hurtful as hell, but both also forced us to address the idea that only ever being with each other is scary, but something we both want.

      In the end, I think we’re closer because of these two instances, although of course I also wish we never caused each other that pain.

  • Rachel

    I’ve made two almost mistakes that are very similar to the one in this post: one with a disaster of a boy who paid me attention right before and right after we got married when I was a little shaky and a little sad/mourning my singlehood and had just chosen to end a pregnancy (so a little more vulnerable than I would have liked). The second time was with an ex who has never really gotten over me and who I know how to get the attention I sometimes crave out of very easily. In both instances, however, I did not handle the situation with as much grace or honesty as the author of this post. I’m ashamed to say it, but when my husband confronted me about how much I was talking to these men, and about what, I lied, and really hurt my baby marriage and my husband both times.

    However, both were really big learning experiences for me. The first showed me that I needed to make some changes in my life to feel more fulfilled and whole as a person, because I was feeling sad and bored. The second has showed me that my relationship with my husband needs some work. We click in so many ways so perfectly, but sexually we just so often miss the mark with one another. It will likely always be a work in progress and a struggle, but at least it’s opened both of our eyes to it, so we’re both a little more sensitive to the subject. I’ve also learned the power of forgiveness and what a good, decent, solid marriage can be, even in the midst of lies and anger.

    I can say that I am very happy that these almost mistakes didn’t turn into full-blown mistakes, and I hope in the future I have the strength to not be a jerk and lie when feelings for someone else inevitably happen again.

    • amysee

      Attention of this kind can really get to a person. When it comes at just the right/wrong time, it can be completely intoxicating.

      • Anontoo

        Agreed. This is actually something of a chronic problem for me, and one I’ve tried to be as open about as I possibly can. When That Need For Attention (it deserves caps) comes creeping in and I’m sobbing on the bed from guilt about it, my fiance has always been much more understanding about it than I could have imagined. I know it hurts him, and I know it hurts me, but deception would be so much worse.

        Emily, thank you for this brave and heartwarming post.

      • http://pinterest.com/lildutchgrrl/wedding-style/ Remy

        I gotta say, I met my sweetie (we’ll marry this fall) because she provided that sort of attention just when I needed it. I was near tears on a couch at a… well, let’s call it a house party weekend, because I was feeling socially and emotionally overwhelmed and my date was mad because I was being “clingy” (that is, needing a hug and some quiet time). She saw me sitting there and asked if I needed anything — not in a creepy “let’s move in while she’s vulnerable” way, but genuinely looking to help. She gave me a hug and sat and talked with me for a while.

        I thought she would just be a fun fling and enjoyable rebound (that date I’d been seeing casually for about seven months dumped me the next week; there were obviously already problems there), but it turned into a real relationship. And I’m keeping her. :)

  • http://www.thequestionnowbecomes.blogspot.com alloallo

    this is such a hard thing to talk to friends about, but I think way more common than any of us realise – perhaps not all the texting, and I’m guessing definitely not the telling your partner, but definitely the thinking about it too much. I’ve had two major crushes since I got together with my partner, both were sort of short lived and both were more about what I felt I didn’t have with my partner than they were about the actual person of interest.

    When I’m in the throes of it, it feels like a really horrible destructive force, but as soon as I normalise it then I feel a sense of calmness set in. If I can recognise those feeling for what they are – fantasies, longings, anxieties – then I can figure out where they come from and try to sort through them. If I get freaked out and run away from them that’s when I think I’m doing more damage to my relationship. I’ve talked to my partner about this and it’s helped me realise sometimes he has crushes too, and maybe so does everyone, whether or not they ever admit it!

    • Anon for Now

      yes! i have this weird crush on a good friend of ours. (he’s married too) and i have no idea what to do with it. before i was committed to anyone, i could just go to a party, mix with beer, kiss the crush, and figure the rest out later. i know im probably attracted to the friend bc he excels in some of my guy’s weaker points (and i know for a fact my guy excels in the friend’s weak points). but how do i make the crush go away? argh.

      • Lola

        Maybe you don’t make it go away – but you just don’t act on it. I think it’s common to get crushes. I’m engaged to the Best Guy Ever (for me) but I’ve had a couple of wicked crushes over the past couple of years. Not to the point where I entertained acting on anything, but to the point where I tried to look cute around some guy who’s not my fiance, or flirted, or whatever. So, yeah, I’m not sure you can will away a crush, but you can choose to ignore it. :)

        • http://www.cheerleaderforlove.com genevieve dreizen

          seconded. feelings move faster when we don’t force them. just let it be. don’t act on it- just know it’s a crush and probably will ease off in time.

          • Amelia

            What about a crush that’s lasted 6 and a half years?…

        • Marina

          I actually find that talking with my husband about a crush normalizes it and makes it less… zing-y, if that’s a word. Probably wouldn’t work for everyone, but when I can say, “Dude, I have this silly little crush on this guy” then it tends to make me realize it IS a silly little crush.

          • Denzi

            Yep, I do this. I’m bi and married to a dude, so it gets extra silly and hilarious if we both have a crush on the same girl. (Maybe in the future or another universe this would lead to a threesome, but at the moment we want the safety of monogamy to figure each other out.)

            For me, a crush kept to myself gets nursed into a Grand Passion because it’s a Secret, and bringing it into the light of day robs it of its power. It becomes just another thing about me that my husband and I are free to discuss, rather than something that is cutting me off from him.

          • Maddie

            Yes to this and what Denzi said. This has been my best medicine.

      • http://unexpected-moments.blogspot.ca/ Sheryl

        I like having crushes. I’m not going to act on them, but they are fun.

        Generally my “cure” for crushes is to enjoy it. Fantasize like crazy for a few days. For me they do tend to go away after awhile, and I think that allowing myself to feel them is healthy.

    • http://medeamaterial.com Jules

      “were more about what I felt I didn’t have with my partner than they were about the actual person of interest.”

      This. Before getting married we had broken up due to not thinking we could make a long distance relationship work. During that time I met up with a hook-up from the past, one with whom we’d had an on and off flirtation for years. But then… I started missing my long distance ex, that’s when I started realizing that this long distance ex was the one I wanted to be with. I wasn’t able to say it as eloquently as you have, but yeah, he was just filling in for some gaps. I’d stay with Pac-man over a wedge shaped slice. And indeed, the long distance relationship didn’t work out… we got married and I moved back :)

      To Emily: I’ve also had great white whales in my mind in the past and they never became physical, no thanks to my lack of impulse control… After discussing these episodes with my husband, we’ve come to the agreement that whenever I recognize any gaps that someone else could start filling in a non-platonic way, we can talk about it and figure out how he can be the person who fills them or how we can work through them in a non-destructive way. In the meantime? I redirect crushes towards fictitious characters… I can get the crush out of my way without actually being able to act upon it :)

      • http://landlockedlove.blogspot.com Kelly

        Leaving aside all else, I just want to say that Fictional Crushes are the BEST! I have a rather long list I started in high school and have added to ever since. Theodore (Laurie) Lawrence, Gilbert Blythe, Peter Pan, Dave the Laugh, Zooey Glass, Ron Weasley…. and on and on…and on. *Sigh*

        • Martha

          Mmmm… Gilbert Blythe. He was so hot, wasn’t he? Which maybe is weird, because I only ever “saw” him in the books…

          • http://pinterest.com/lildutchgrrl/wedding-style/ Remy

            From the movie!
            http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilbert_Blythe
            http://thechickmanifesto.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-favorite-fictional-males-gilbert.html

            I want my sons to look like Gilbert Blythe. Or Dean Cain’s Superman. (They won’t, if I have any. But still.)

          • Caroline

            Not weird at all, I have in my life had multiple crushes on “hot” characters from books. Obviously, I never “saw” them, but it didn’t make them less hot. George Cooper was my biggest fictional crush. Rereading the Song of the Lioness quartet, I still have a crush on him. Also, when I was younger I had a total crush on Tor from Robin McKinley’s The Hero and the Crown.

          • http://highdivingboard.wordpress.com Morgan

            He was pretty hot in the movies, too… http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088727/

            I’m rereading the whole series right now (nursing baby equals a lot of time on the couch) and he’s aged very well. Still dream husband material!

          • Rachel

            I totally had a literary crush on George Cooper and Tor when I was a teenager! But more so…. Corlath from The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley.

    • KateM

      My brother and sister-in-law talk about the crushes and joke about it. My sister-in-law is definitely prone to it, but they have found that if they talk about it when it first starts, there is no internalizing it, and it disapates much faster because of it.

    • http://highdivingboard.wordpress.com Morgan

      I had a crush on a man at work and even while in the thick of it, it made me laugh because he was basically the Newfie version my husband. Tall engineer who worked for the client and made dry jokes at meetings. I enjoyed it because it made long meetings go faster, and that I knew it was never ever going to go past chatting in a group setting.

      The crush vanished like it had never been the day I found out I was pregnant.

  • http://bettencourtchase.blogspot.com Helen

    Thank you for being so brave and honest. I think this is something that people don’t really talk about enough in real life (although, yes, it’s ALL OVER the movies). I had something very similar happen when I was in college– I started talking to the guy I lost my virginity to again when I was in a bad place in my then-relationship, and although I never technically cheated, there were lots and lots of texts and late night conversations that danced around (and stomped directly on) the line of okay/not okay. I didn’t end up with that guy, and the relationship I was in ended, but now I am married and delightfully happy and I’m not sure if I would be where I am now if I hadn’t started-and ended- that flirtation. It made me realize the person I was with wasn’t right for me, and it gave me the strength to end that and move on.

  • Edelweiss

    The biggest reason I don’t regret many of my past mistakes is that I’ve learned from them and it’s prevented me from making mistakes in situations where the stakes are higher.

    My almost mistakes are all professionally related.* I work in a job I love, but it’s low-paying and hard for others to understand. I often interact with vice-presidents of corporations and heads of foundations and occasionally get offered high-paying prestigious work. Twice I’ve seriously considered switching, but then something happens to remind me why I love what I do and why I would be miserable in a more traditional corporate job. Like other posters have referenced, I’ve been able to keep these as almost-mistakes, because I made the mistake of taking the wrong job in the past.

    *Knock on wood. I was tempted early on in our long-distance relationship, but lucky enough that it never went very far.

  • Ryan

    True, that many times the desire to stray is brought on by an imperfect relationship at home, but even more so, I think it’s human nature. About 1/4 of people in ‘monogomous’ relationships have admitted to cheating. But why let a side-romantic encounter ruin your primary relationship? By confronting jealousy and knocking it down you can agree to rules that let you have your great white whale and your partner. I highly recommend it.

    • Demi

      My almost-mistake happened while my fiancé & I were in an open relationship. We’d been drifting apart, mostly due to not making the commitment to actively pay attention to each other, and I developed a crush on his brother, which turned out to be mutual. Even with an open relationship agreement, that would’ve been the kiss of death for our future together.

      I didn’t sleep with the brother, and I’m determined that I never will. Even now that my primary relationship is so strong & we’re getting married in a month, I’m still attracted to my future brother-in-law. If I give in to that temptation, it will destroy the happiness that I have. And that’s not something I’m willing to experience.

  • anon for today too

    holy cow, talk about hitting close to home.

    since i’ve been dating my fiance, he went away for 4 months for boot camp, was home for 8 and then gone 6 more for a deployment. i’m madly in love with him and so happy, and i have been since we got together, but there have been times that i’ve been THISCLOSE to cheating and sleeping with my great white whale.

    we’ve texted way more than appropriate, and also things that were way over the line of appropriate, and it’d happen when my fiance was gone, but also when i was sitting on the couch right next to him. it was a thrill i guess. we hung out two times when fiance was gone, making sure the physical boundary wasn’t crossed, since i know that once you start with one thing, it’s so hard to ever stop.

    and then on my birthday this year, we were texting, fiance took my phone from me and told this boy to leave me alone. i played totally innocent, like the whale was the one bugging me, but in all reality, i was far from innocent. since that november, we haven’t talked, but i still look for the whale’s face in almost every crowd.

    the last thing i want to do is cheat. ESPECIALLY with this guy. he’s not even attractive! it’s just the attention. but i get the same attention, even better actually, from my fiance. this is scary shit, these compulsions. i cheated on an ex [with the same whale, ironically] before and i saw what that did to him. i never want to hurt someone like that again. especially when it’s this wonderful man i’m so looking forward to spending my life with.

    i guess all i’m trying to say is thank you. thanks for the reminder that it will never be worth it and for the support to just delete him from my life and keep this distance forever. i want to forget about the whale. is that too much to ask?

  • Anon for This

    Man. this post and the comments really hits home today.

    First: Emily, I commend your bravery, honesty, and your courage.

    Second: in the past few weeks, my engagement and my relationship has suddenly and rapidly dissolved. Before this, I was totally and completely confident in our relationship and ridiculously excited for our marriage. It was quite a bombshell to discover that my intended had not been feeling that way, and for me to have had NO idea. Part of it (though not all of it) has to do with my ex having strong feelings for someone else, and my ex not knowing how to handle it. So I am on the other side of the cavern right now, trying my hardest not to try and figure out if this is actually about the Someone Else, or if this is all about personal things my ex is going through- and a host of things she thought she had figured out about me and about our relationship. I have no idea how it’s all going to pan out.

    I do have a ton of sympathy for the partners on the flipside of the above situation, and am wondering how people have handled being on the other side. APW wisdom is so very welcome right now.

    • http://www.cheerleaderforlove.com genevieve dreizen

      i am so sorry. the surprise “i’m not happy”s are the worst. big hugs.

  • anon

    I made out with a rock star. I’d had a crush on him for years, and when I happened to meet him, we immediately clicked. It was so overwhelming and I was so caught up in moment that I never really thought about the fact that I was cheating until we were on the brink of doing a whole lot more than making out and I realized I needed to leave. I told my boyfriend, and he was (understandably) very pissed. But the fact that this guy was a famous celebrity made it almost unreal to both of us. It wasn’t as if there was any chance I’d actually start a relationship with him. My boyfriend understood that the rock star dude wasn’t any kind of real threat to our relationship, and we got past it . It was just an act of stupid star-crushing. But honestly, I still get a thrill whenever I think about it . . .

    • Anon For This

      Oh lord, amen to this!

      My “one that got away”—except I was the one that didn’t want the relationship—BECAME a rock star. And over the years still texts/im’s occasionally, tells me he still loves me, etc. I very much wanted a pre-wedding fling with this guy (I mean, that’s what happens in the movies, right?), and then, like Emily, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and blabbed to my 2 best friends and fiance himself, all of whom talked sense into me. I know the decision to cheat would’ve been stupid and hurtful to everyone, but it’s like did you have to go and become a rock star?! ;-)

      • N

        YES… this. I always thought I was completely immune to the desire to cheat until I found myself stuck on a small cruise boat with a very out-of-my-league man who was providing The Attention big time. It was my first (and hopefully only) almost-mistake… narrowly avoided.

        Somehow this person didn’t seem real, so it felt like I wasn’t really hurting anyone… but then I thought about how I would feel if my S.O. cheated with some famous model. Definitely still terrible. I had to pull some creative evasive maneuvers during the remainder of the trip to keep myself out of dangerous situations, but I am SO happy I did. And now I know I am not invincible in the temptation department and am so much more aware of the slippery slope, especially when our relationship is in a rough spot and The Need for Attention is gnawing at me.

  • Ros

    I think part of it is acknowledging WHY you’re doing things, or why you want to do them.

    My fiance and I started out in an open relationship, and are now relatively monogamous (with the option of opening if it’s something we want/can discuss, etc…) which works pretty well for us. That said, it does mean that sleeping with someone else would be very easy, and not necessarily great for my current relationship.

    What I’ve figured out about myself, though, is that I tend to start wanting sex with other people when there’s something I’m not getting from my fiance (if I’m not feeling desired/wanted, haven’t been spending time with him, if I’m stressed and he’s not around, etc). It would be easy to say “hey, I wanna go play with A”, and he’d probably be ok with it – but in the end, it’s more rewarding to say “hey, I need time with you, and I need you to pay attention to me and make me feel like you want me” (Yes, that explicit. Much as I love the man, subtly isn’t something he gets…) And as soon as THAT happens, I don’t really want to go play with anyone else (at the moment, anyway!). Important realization for me! :)

    (Edited to add: I don’t mean to sound like there’s anything wrong with open relationships. I really enjoy knowing that if I really wanted to go play with A because I want to go play with her and it would be fun, that’d be fine. I just do think it’s important for me to only play with A because I want her, not because things in my primary relationship are wonky and I need validation…)

    • http://pinterest.com/lildutchgrrl/wedding-style/ Remy

      I’m not sure what I want to say here, but I did want to thank you for acknowledging that even in an arrangement like an open relationship, there are still choices (sometimes difficult ones) to be made. There are still ways to “cheat” or at least really screw up the relationship, which don’t go away just because having sex with other people isn’t off the table entirely. Poly people (I’ll include myself and my sweetie here, but not you if you don’t want to be labeled, Ros) need to work on that stuff, too.

  • http://unexpected-moments.blogspot.ca/ Sheryl

    Mourning of singlehood is definitely one of those sometimes-hard aspects of being in a relationship. I struggle with it sometimes. I enjoyed a lot of aspects of being single and before my fiance I had a general preference to keep the romantic side of my life more on the casual side. And sometimes I miss that freedom and knowing that I have a million possibilities, romantically, if I wanted them.

    What I find is that it’s not that I want to go out and do all the things I did when I was single. It’s not like I actually want to sleep with any of the men who I meet and might be attracted to, or even my great white whale. I just wish I’d been less responsible before I met my fiance and gotten into a few more of those sticky stupid situations.

    I wish I lived a little more and partied a little harder when I had the chance.

    • Ceebee

      I agree… Same coin flipped over, sometimes the little freedom silly things we want out of youth, if left unwatched may boil over.
      So practice with caution.

    • Anon

      I agree… and yet think of all the STDs and unplanned pregnancies you avoided, too! Ha ha!

  • LM

    Oh. My. God. Thank you for writing this.

  • B

    Thank you for sharing because I think this is something that comes up in any long term relationship.

    My perspective is a bit on the other side. My fiance (boyfriend at the time) and I went to different colleges and he ended up paired on a project with this really attractive, fun, exciting girl. He told me that he was concerned he was developing feelings for her and was attracted to her, which greatly upset me at the time, but I’m positive now that this saved our relationship. As hurt as my feelings were, I was able to identify that I was not giving him (some aspect) of what he needed–maybe it was spontinaity, or flirting, or “fun”—but by being open and forthcoming with me about it, we were able to avoid total disaster. Looking back on it, I know that this bump in the road made us stronger. I also know that if I ever begin to develp feelings for another, he will jump through whatever hoops necessary to satisfy whatever underlying feelings are causing me to stray, whether it be my desire for flirting with danger, or more excitement, or whatever it may be. We can get through anything by being open and communicating–I just know it.

  • http://www.advancedlivingforbeginners.com Jen W

    Thank you so much for this post!
    J and I have been together for 8 years, and we met when we were 18–we may have legally been adults but we had a lot of maturing to do. Essentially, J and I grew up together. So there have been plenty of almost-mistakes for both of us, and we have both cheated, me while in college and he right before we moved in together after grad school. His career requires a lot of travel and seasonal work, so we spend a lot of time apart during the summers.
    We also broke up for 6+ months during my senior year of college because I wanted time to myself. Until a year ago, my high school ex would occasionally call/text and because I liked the attention (and also genuinely do care for the little sh!t) I would indulge him–that is, until he began talking about still being in love with me and I had to tell J about it and cut off contact with the ex.
    My takeaway from all this? Growing up together can be messy. My late teens and twenties have been time to make a lot of mistakes and almost mistakes. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning. I love that at APW we talk about the messy bits and everyone can share what they’ve learned.

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  • Emily

    My almost-mistake was nearly never breaking up with the completely wrong person for me. He was my first boyfriend, I was 24, we’d managed to survive some really sh*tty things (deaths, cross-country moves, firings, lay-offs, crazy relatives) and some part of me thought, since it took me so long to ever date someone, that this was as good as it was going to get. Finally I faced the truth: Every time I allowed myself to think about walking up the aisle to him (which, the first two years of our relationship, was NEVER, because I couldn’t handle my reaction) I got literally nauseous. I am strong-stomached person, and I finally figured that if my body was revolting against anything more permanent, then maybe it was time to resurrect and reexamine the red flags I’d stomped down. I broke up with him, mourned, and decided to have a kick-ass life anyways.

    • Martha

      This is my almost-mistake too. I dated an amazing (for someone else) guy for 4 years. First boyfriend, went through a lot together, totally integrated into each others families (I still talk to his mother). He talked about marriage from the time I turned 18, and I was never ready to hear it. When he finally started looking for rings, I broke it off, but I should have done that years before. There was nothing specifically *wrong* with our relationship, but there was nothing deeply right about it either. And I was young and inexperienced enough that I thought there needed to be something wrong in order to end it, so I almost stuck around for the wedding. That would have been a big mistake. Instead, I left, grew up, and (after other failed relationships) met my husband, a man with whom I am home.

      • DanEllie

        “There was nothing specifically *wrong* with our relationship, but there was nothing deeply right about it either. And I was young and inexperienced enough that I thought there needed to be something wrong in order to end it, so I almost stuck around for the wedding. ”

        Yes! This! It took a long time to figure out that I deserved better than just ok. And part of figuring that out was a sparky, flirty interest in someone else. And realizing that for me, that was a sign that the first relationship wasn’t what I wanted or needed, and that I COULD end it.

        And that being alone was not a terrible thing. And that being alone was ultimately much more rewarding than being with the wrong person. And now I’m with the right one. and your description of being “home” with him is dead on.

    • Cleo

      exactly times 1000!

      I also found myself continually thinking “well, there’s always divorce!” as if that’s a good reason to stay with someone

      • Rachel

        That’s what my mom said! And she went and got married anyway.

        Turns out she regrets getting married to my dad. And now, 20+ years and two children together, she and my dad are getting divorced. Now, as an adult child, I almost wish they had done it sooner. While painful, I can clearly see that their lives are better without being married.

        It’s good to see that people feel that way, and then make the decision not to get married. I can understand how difficult that would be.

    • http://highdivingboard.wordpress.com Morgan

      After my ex proposed, I started having day long panic attacks. It’s amazing how strongly your body can try to tell you things that your conscious mind is trying to ignore.

  • KateM

    It seems to me that the common thread is that cheating is symptomatic of something else being wrong in the relationship. I think especially those of us in long term relationships get a little lazy in working on our relationships. The best thing I ever did was give my fiance The Five Love Languages. If you have never read the book, do it. It was one of the biggest AHA moments of my life. It applies to every relationship, but it mostly struck a cord with my mother. Anyway, my fiance and I have been going through a romantic slump I guess I would call it. Different schedules, super busy. So everyday I am working on doing something little for him that he relates to, a note affirming something, or a little gift.
    My point is that some of us need words of affirmation, some quality time, some flowers or a little something to show us that our partner is actively loving us. When we don’t get that emotional connection (you can know someone loves you, but not feel it at the time) we are far more likely to do stupid things to get that emotional fulfillment from someone else.

    • Alexandra

      An exactly isn’t enough for this comment. Shortly after I got engaged, and about a week after finding APW, I saw a couple people mention this book in the comments section. Later in the week, I walked into a Chapters and bought both The Five Love Languages and “A Practical Wedding” the book. Granted, I felt completely embarassed, buying a book from the “Self-help and relationships” section at the same time as I bought a wedding book, but that seems par for the course with me and wedding magazines/books of any kind.

      The Five Love Languages book is amazing. Since buying it, reading it, and handing it to my fiance, we came to a few realizations. For one, I realized that I spent a whole lot of time cleaning the house, and getting really upset because I felt like he never did any housework. Because I remembered how much I appreciated the time when my fiance cleaned the litter box for me, it turned out that acts of service ranked really high in how I perceive that I’m loved. And when my fiance realized that, he started cleaning up more around the house. At the same time, when he was acting really down, I remembered that quality time had been one of the things he cared about, and managed to convince him to go out for a drive and a hike. And by the end, he wasn’t acting so blue.

      And every couple of days, he’ll ask me how my “love tank” is doing and what he can do to fill it up. I hadn’t thought we really had problems, but it’s solved a few issues I didn’t even realize we had.

  • http://takingabraindump.com Jo

    I love this post. The writing of it, the framing of it by APW staff, and the commenters. Love you all.

    I won’t ever admit my biggest almost mistake to anyone but my husband. It was before we met, and oddly we had both just come out of almost-mistakes and were feeling terrible about ourselves and very guilty. By telling each other about them, though, we ended up being closer, finding closure, and figuring out that we weren’t always perfect, but the talking and the trying really helped.

    I’ve definitely had crushes, but we talk about them, then joke about them (between us, NEVER to other people–that could feel weird) and always move past. Part of it is when we’re aware, we can do things to renew our crushes on each other, which overrides the rando crush.

    Emily, my favorite part of this is where you talk about there not being a one, because you’re not actually one person. I have always agreed with this, have always found it very intriguing, and love to see the different people that I and others can be. For some reason, though, this clicked into why the wedding process was so hard for us–it was deciding to be one person, (and finding the freedom to be more within a marriage), and getting the other people in our life to accept that one person.

    • Heather

      That was my favorite part, too. I remember, as part of our premarital counseling, we did the PREPARE/ENRICH survey. One a scale of strongly disagree to strongly agree, you have to rate the statement, “my partner is the only person I could spend the rest of my life with”. I disagreed, my husband agreed. He interpreted it as “of everyone I know”. I, on the other hand, have a strong opposition to the idea that there is only one person out there that “completes” us as a soulmate. If I went to a different college closer to home, we probably would have never met. But I don’t think we would be sitting here all these years later as two single people just waiting for love to come knocking. He has a great many qualities that would make him a great fit for someone else, and so do I. Do I consider myself fortunate to have crossed paths with him? Yes, of course. He’s perfect (for me). But I have no doubt that he could be perfect for someone else, too.

      • http://highdivingboard.wordpress.com Morgan

        Exactly! I think David only person I have met*who I could see myself growing old with. But that doesn’t negate that in several billion other people I might also have found a great match had our lives gone differently.

        *and by met, I mean have spent enough time with to make an informed decision about

  • Anon

    I’m going anonymous for this one.

    During my engagement, I had a major moment of questioning (looking back, grieving) for what else could have been. That moment revolved around a certain person in my life whom I had never even kissed, sort of like Emily’s great white whale, but always got on smashingly with. I literally stopped talking to the person during my engagement because I felt that continuing to build that friendship would have been dangerous behavior. To this day, my almost-mistake person (who is still a friend) often calls me at very key bad moments in my marriage, totally coincidentally (there’s no way she would know). I have made, and kept, a promise to myself never to pick up the phone when this happens. I guess that is one of those ways I plan to keep it from ever being a real mistake.

    • http://fianceesarehumanstoo.tumblr.com/ Fianceesarehumanstoo

      I think this is great – so often we never think that we’ll end up in such and such a situation and that of course these sorts of things only happen to other people. And when we think like that we are unprepared for when an almost mistake appears (and of course it does, everyone is fallible). But if we can make predetermined decisions about “how I will act if…” then I feel like we’re much less likely to be caught off guard and unprepared, when we’re more likely to go through with a mistake.

      • Anon

        Yes, exactly, it’s so easy to say that it would never happen to you, but just like adventures in the wilderness, you’re always just two bad decisions away from cheating/death. ;P

        Let it also be said that I have been on the receiving end of cheating before, so I have had some additional motivation for thinking through how to avoid that world.

    • anon

      it’s amazing how that seems to happen–that perfectly/horribly timed call.

  • Amy March

    This is so Glee from last night!

    • Ceebee

      What happened in Glee? Sorry I’m so back-country

    • http://www.advancedlivingforbeginners.com Jen W

      Splainy?

    • V

      Ugh – Kurt and Chandler. Kurt totally hurt Blane by flirting with Chandler – crazy texting flirting. But Blane was kind of being an idiot because he was scared about Kurt leaving for NYC. I cracked up about Mr. Lavender/La-VEN-der, the wedding planner pushing avacado as the “new sea foam” in wedding colors.

      In the midst of all this serious almost-mistake talk, it’s nice to talk Glee high school drama for a moment.

  • C

    I almost didn’t date the man I’m going to marry in favor of a guy who treated me like crap and saw other girls behind my back. I’m so thankful my soon-to-be-husband woo’d me away from that. :)

  • Anon

    Thanks for writing this article!

    I had an almost-mistake. On a trip away I met two guys, who like other commenters have shared, both started paying me lots of attention. It was sexual attention. Over a short time I developed a small attachment to one of them – I held his hand on the beach. He walked me back to my room and hugged me goodnight. The attraction was so strong I knew that if I didn’t pull away immediately I would kiss him. So I pulled away. I carried on enjoying their company while I was there.

    When I got home things weren’t good in my relationship with my partner. He didn’t give me any sexual attention, he was in a bad place, not excited to see me and I felt angry. I felt like I deserved so much more – to be desired and adored.

    So we talked about my experiences and it brought a lot out. Since then over several years our relationship has changed and matured in so many ways, those bad places don’t visit so often, and he gives me plenty of attention – of all kinds, emotional, sexual, listening, talking etc.

    These almost-mistakes are actually opportunities for wonderful turning points in a relationship – if you can be honest and share these difficult feelings.

    We have on occasion discussed open relationships. I can imagine it working when we are much older, although right now I’m not interested.

  • http://fianceesarehumanstoo.tumblr.com/ Fianceesarehumanstoo

    I think what I’ve picked up form this post is that a) everyone has it in them to make a mistake and also b) almost-mistakes are much closer when our circumstances are bad. It seems like the writer (and other people in the comments) are saying that almost-mistakes seemed to appear when things weren’t going too well in their relatonship (whether because of long distance or work demands or some sort of stress). This just strikes me as how important it is to keep on analysing your marriage: cause no matter how dedicated we are to a person it’s really easy to let circumstances screw us over and make us believe we are unhappy with our spouse/our marriage/our selves when actually we’re just in crappy circumstances. And maybe we can pre-empt a rough patch too: if we know we’re going to have a period of distance or annoying night shifts – talk about it, talk about what we’ll do if the relationship seems to be all frustration and lonliness.

    I think that being really decidated to someone means choosing them above all the other options – and I’d like to think that if circumstances that could be avoided were dragging my marriage down, I’d be strong enough to change them or vulnerable enough to admit they needed to be changed. Not always easy and like I said I’ve not had the experience of having to do this yet…

    Obviously not all stresful circumstances are avoidable and that’s harder. I’ll other people comment on that one…

    • http://teanhoneybread.com Tameka Allen

      “…no matter how dedicated we are to a person it’s really easy to let circumstances screw us over and make us believe we are unhappy with our spouse/our marriage/our selves when actually we’re just in crappy circumstances.”

      This is so true, and such a terribly, painful recognizance once the damage has been done.

  • http://theroadto92912.blogspot.com Molly

    Thank you for this post. Lately, I’ve been feeling afraid of my rapidly approaching marriage (5 months to go? Where are the days going?) because my fiancé is my first boyfriend. While I love him dearly and can’t imagine my life with anyone else, I’m afraid of meeting someone else I also click with.

    • http://www.maineliveaboards.com Sophi

      I think that part of what we’re deciding when we get married, for those of us who wish to be monogamous, anyways, is that we’re agreeing to ignore/push away all the other someones who we click with (which there inevitably will be). My now-husband was my first boyfriend, the first boy I slept with, and my boyfriend when I went away to college. He cheated on me, twice, and broke my heart both times.

      While it really sucked when I was in the thick of it (really, really sucked) it also gave me a chance to get some perspective, have some other boyfriends (who were nowhere near as cool as Husband), and come to the conclusion that we just needed to work harder on “us,” and not live 12 hours apart from each other. Also I don’t have to live with the “what if there’s someone else?” feeling since I already looked, and there wasn’t. We’ve been married just over 6 months now and our relationship is healthier that it has ever been. It sucks that I was cheated on, a lot, but I know Husband feels really guilty about the slip-ups — I haven’t forgotten but I have forgiven.

      Now, whenever either of us is letting our relationship slide, almost making mistakes, we have the memories of the shitty days we went through during mistakes #1 and #2 to drag us back to reality. Those other partners weren’t better — we know this. We can be the best partners for each other because we have a whole lifetime to learn how to be the best. We just need to keep working at it, and never focusing our attentions onto other people! There will be other people, always, but we know that it’s not worth throwing away the relationship we have to test the what-ifs; not again anyways, haha.

    • Maddie

      I also married my (more or less) first boyfriend, and I’ll tell you something: sometimes you do meet people that you click with. I certainly have. And I’ve ended up developing fast friendships with those people that occasionally veered into almost-mistake territory (close, but not quite).

      I stand firm that it’s ok to like people. It’s ok even to get crushes. But I remind myself always that what my husband and I have is a relationship that we’ve been building for almost ten years, and no one I meet in the next few months can come close to matching that.

    • Caroline

      You probably will meet other people you also click with. I think marriage is about deciding and committing to one person who you deeply click with, and about closing doors on other people you might potentially click with, because by committing to each other you are able to grow and deepen your relationship in ways you couldn’t if you are always searching for a new click. The commitment allows us to become people we couldn’t become without that steadfast support. Yes you will meet other people you could have been with most likely, but marriage is about choosing one possible path out of many. At least, that’s my thoughts on it (note, I’m not married, although I am in a long term partnership (with my first boyfriend/first real kiss/first lover, etc) that’s pretty much a common law marriage. We’d like to officialize it and legalize it someday, but we’ve already made our commitments to each other.)

  • Anon Today Too

    One of my biggest mistakes helped me avoid my own near-miss.

    I was the other woman in a torrid, crazy, passionate weekend affair with a long-time crush who obviously was not happy with his marriage. Physically he only cheated that weekend. Emotionally it went on much longer than that.

    BUT! During one of our many long, pour-your-heart-out conversations, he confided that he married her because he was in too deep in the relationship, felt it was the right thing to do and couldn’t get out (we met a month after he proposed).

    I was mad for her, because she was in a relationship with a man who was treating her like this. I was mad for me, because I could never have him after he made that decision to marry her. And I swore that if I was ever in that situation, I would call off the wedding, no matter how close it was. I would never marry someone because I felt I couldn’t turn back.

    Eight years later, I was in that situation. I called off my own wedding about 3 weeks before I was to walk down the aisle. And while I’ll never tell him, that conversation with the married man I had an affair with years ago was a big reason I had the confidence to go through with it.

  • M

    Yeah. I almost cheated on my now-husband too, under the same kind of circumstances. It was an insane couple of years of incredibly heavy work and school obligations for both of us. We barely saw each other, we barely spoke, we really didn’t have much of a relationship to be honest. And I fell in love with a friend — my best friend’s ex-boyfriend, to be specific, for whom she still had feelings.

    During the first year, he was far away, but we’d talk online for hours. At first it seemed like just a mild crush. And then I took a summer job in the city where he lived. We saw a lot of each other that summer, and I was completely, totally head-over-heels for him. I kept away from saying anything to him, or touching him, or anything — more out of duty to my best friend than to my boyfriend, if I’m honest.

    During the second year, when I was back home and still with my boyfriend (and both of us still insanely busy and stressed), my feelings for the other guy didn’t go away. If anything they solidified. We’d still talk for hours. I wrote him a letter telling him how I felt about him, but claimed I didn’t feel that way anymore. This was not true.

    I used to fantasize that my best friend would break up with him and marry someone else, and my boyfriend would break up with me and marry someone else, and then I’d be free to pursue things with other guy. I daydreamed about going to visit him and having an affair then. I never wanted to hurt my boyfriend or my best friend; I fantasized about ways we could be together where no one would get hurt.

    I told my best friend about it, which was good, because she later got back together with him and I’m glad I was honest with her ahead of time. When they got back together, she asked me to promise that I would not try to have an affair with him. I promised her. I meant that promise as seriously and honestly as I later meant my wedding vows. But for a while, I ached with jealousy when I saw them together. I cried for an hour on the way home after visiting the two of them together — twice, on two different visits.

    While things got better between me and my boyfriend once our lives were less insanely stressful, and I fell back in love with him — my feelings for the other guy took literally YEARS to go away. I didn’t want them, I felt awful for having them, but they just didn’t go away. Especially when I went through a quarter-life crisis — I mourned for not having had an affair with him that summer, as a sort of proxy for mourning all the adventures and risks I didn’t have the guts to take, all the mistakes I never gave myself a chance to make.

    Those feelings didn’t go away until I’d dealt with some of those quarter-life crisis issues, until I was happier and felt less trapped and stifled in my own life. And then I realized all of how much I loved my boyfriend. I realized he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I realized I wanted to marry him.

    I still talk to the other guy online quite a lot, but it genuinely is just as friends. My heart doesn’t leap and flutter when I see him online anymore; I don’t think about him and fantasize about him and daydream about seeing him. He lives with my best friend now; they’re adorably in love and talking about getting married. I love to see them together. It is really, truly over for me. My husband’s the one I long to see, the one I want to share things with and talk over my life with.

    I haven’t admitted any of this saga to my husband. I think he knew or suspected some of it; for a while he seemed to get very grumpy whenever I mentioned the other guy. He doesn’t anymore — probably because he rightly senses that he’s no longer a threat.

    I feel guilty about keeping this secret. But I think telling my husband now would only hurt him for no reason. “Hey, for a while I had a serious thing for this other dude, but now I don’t anymore.” What is he supposed to do with that information?

    I have learned, though, that if I want to keep our relationship/marriage, I have to manage stress levels. We have to feed our relationship by spending time together or it really will die. I’ve learned the danger signals. I feel like I’m a lot better prepared to catch that overstressed situation early and make changes. That was a valuable lesson. But I wish I hadn’t spent those years with those feelings that could only hurt other people.

  • Calon

    I just want to say – wow! So many interesting stories – it seems there’s a lot going on under the surface and it’s wonderful to share it here – thank you Meg and APW for giving us the space, and thanks Emily for writing the article – and having the courage to attach your name to it.

  • http://www.staciafuchsiaphoto.com stacia

    I wrote a really long comment here with my story, before realizing I didn’t need to include all the personal details to share the take-away… that these kinds of experiences can build empathy and deepen commitment. I’d also like to add that I would love to read some stories on APW about consensual non-monogamy. My partner and I have a monogamous relationship, but we are in constant conversation about what that means to us and how we feel about it.

    • http://pinterest.com/lildutchgrrl/wedding-style/ Remy

      Stacia, there’s some really great food for thought in http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/03/reclaiming-wife-respecting-the-foundation. I appreciate that APW doesn’t shy away from discussing open relationships and polyamory, and that Team Practical (whatever paths the individual members take in that regard) avoids shaming those choices in their comments.

  • Anonymous

    “Yes, I’m the girl that married the first person she slept with, but I’m other girls, too.”
    This. There are many long conversations to be had around this idea – it’s so easy to pigeonhole ourselves (never mind other people pigeonholing us) and so important to remember that none of us are ever just “that” girl (whatever “that” is.) we’re not only the sum of the choices we’ve made, but also a sum of the choices we DIDN’T make. Thank you for reminding me of this.

  • Maddie

    I am also one of those people who married the first (and only) person she ever slept with, and I can tell you I’ve veered into almost-almost-mistake territory once or twice. It happened in the first year of my marriage when I was mourning the life I was never going to have (living in NYC and working in a fancy film or TV job). While Michael was in CT, I worked in the city and made a point of never refusing happy hour, or another tequila shot, or a sleepover at the IT guy’s house after a bunch of us played rock band until 2am.

    The thing that kept me from veering into almost-mistake territory is that I always gave a name to what I was doing, because otherwise it felt like I was keeping secrets. So even if I was doing something stupid, I’d call Michael to tell him about it. I told him when I was afraid that I was acting irresponsibly, and as a result it took out some of the mystery & fun that can make an almost-mistake seem so alluring (and it helped that his reaction most of the time was “Cool, have fun.”)

    Putting things out there also helps me make sense of what I’m feeling when I’m not even sure of what it all means. For example, when our roommate first moved in with us, I started having sex dreams about him. Am I attracted to him? No. Was I probably spending too much time at home with him because he’s unemployed? Probably. Does he like girls? No. Was I worried about what this meant anyway? Of course. So I told him. And I told Michael. And in telling them it became very clear that what I was saying was the product of my subconscious getting used to the adjustment of a new person being around. And even if it totally didn’t NEED to be said (I know not everyone is in favor of saying All The Things) I still needed to air it out so that the subconscious thing didn’t have any time to fester and grow into anything more than that.

  • Some Lady

    Thank you for posting this, it’s something I’ve kind of been thinking about and worrying about lately, specifically the grieving of singledom. I’ve been engaged for a couple months, and will be for several more, but what’s more is that we’re buying a house, like, now. I quit my job and moved in with him about a year ago, fully intending to get my own apartment again when I was back on my feet, but it never happened, and now we’re pretty much committing to living together forever more! While this is awesome, and there is no one else I want to be with and live with, I am mourning the fact that I won’t ever again live alone, and I won’t be single (as long as all goes according to plan!). This, coupled with the fact that I never truly dated around or had any other partners, has made it difficult to accept at times, but this post is reminding me to think about the fact that this IS what I want, and this life is the one I’m choosing and would continue to choose. I don’t want to be single again! I don’t want to live alone. I want my fiance, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I just need to grieve and get over the life I’m giving up by being with him, and move on to the exciting adventure and comfortable life I’m choosing.

    • http://theroadto92912.blogspot.com Molly

      Yes! I think that maybe this is the root of the fear (that I posted above) I’ve been feeling lately about my impending marriage. My fiancé went through a bit of a “you can’t tell me what to do” phase before we got engaged, and I think it was his way of mourning the loss of singlehood. Maybe this is my way of mourning. Thanks for making me think about it.

    • Lethe

      I think sometimes the person who proposes gets more time/space to mourn their singlehood before the engagement. Once you’re engaged it can feel “wrong” to have those feelings even though they’re perfectly normal.

      I was the one who proposed, and before I did I spent a good six months working out all those you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do, out-drinking-super-late, I’m-still-young-right?? type of feelings. In retrospect, I think it was easier to do that before the commitment had been made official.

  • Alia

    I’m really glad Meg opened this up for other people to talk about their almost-mistakes too. Mine happened while my now-husband and I were dating, long distance, while I was in grad school. It was during my last year of school, while I had an internship, and there was a guy who worked there who was around my age, funny, flirtatious, etc. My husband and I had hit a bit of a rough patch, where we were each dealing with our own issues and had kind of disconnected from each other for a bit. I started flirting with the coworker, and he flirted back. I never crossed the line and kissed him, although I did put myself in situations where that could have happened. I did end up telling my husband about it, and we had about a week of back and forth conversations where I tried to figure out what I wanted and what was really going on. While I did think about breaking up with him, ultimately I realized that my husband was the one I wanted to be with, and I couldn’t see anything good coming out of breaking up with him just to have a fling with the flirty coworker. I definitely made the right decision, but I came so close to making one that would have changed everything, and probably not for the better.

  • anon today

    My almost-mistake was actually about chosing myself first. After college I planned on joining my now husband, then fiance in TX. But I got a killer job offer in NYC in an economy of no job offers. My heart wanted to move to TX but my fiance pushed me to move to NYC and I did. That year living on my own was so fulfilling for many reasons and was well worth another year of long distance.

    My husband was also my first serious relationship and first sexual experiences. I’ve done a lot of growing up with him. Interestingly he has always told me and really stressed this before we got married (but would still be open to it now I’m sure) is he would be fine if I slept with somone else. Given it was purely sexual he’s always said he wants me to feel I’ve explored as much as I’ve wanted. Despite this and many years of long distance I never toyed with it. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I learned about sex through him – with emotion involved. While I understand others separate sex and emotion I’m not sure I could. No, I probably could, but I’m not sure I want to.

    Before we were married a friend asked, “Are you really ok with only having slept with one person?” Without thought I said yes – because even if I wasn’t sleeping with a guy before I met my husband I was fooling around with them in order to find what I found in my husband. I found the guy I wanted to wake up next to every morning – why need to keep looking around?

  • Mary

    Funny. I was just thinking of my own, similar “almost” last night after reading yesterday’s post. And, last night my husband told me about a woman he was taking out to lunch. In the past, I would have been jealous, but I think my own struggles helped me realize that it is possible to forge those close connections and want to and be close to doing the wrong thing, but in the end, making the right decision. I think I had to go through that in order to see that my husband might have the same struggles, but–but! That he–and WE–are strong too, and he will probably also, though perhaps tempted, make the right decision.

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  • http://blindirishpirate.blogspot.com Blind Irish Pirate

    Isn’t it strange how our almost-mistakes cast a little bit of a softer light on the real problem (re: your mourning your singlehood), rather than this glaring, ugly, white thing?

    I about moved last fall for a job… well, several jobs. Several states away. My husband would not have come with me until he could finish up his job. Now, I know a lot of people who do this, so I convinced myself that this was doable. But for us… as the situation became more and more real, it became very clear that running away from boredom or frustrations at my current job was the real reason. (Well, a very valid reason!) Instead, I was pulling some old stunts I did when I was younger, and pushing against my relationship, running away from it almost, to test it, see how real it was. I mean, it’s immature and manipulative, but I didn’t realize I was doing it, and so… well. Now, we know. And for the first time in… ever, really, I’m OK being stuck.

  • Anonymous

    I’ve never posted before, but I felt like I had to reply to this because it’s a relief to know that other women have struggled with the same thing.

    My finacé lives on the other side of the country from for half the year, and we don’t have enough money to visit each other as much as we would like during this period. I have a pretty close group of friends here who know me pretty well, so my gregarious and sometimes borderline flirtatious manner when we all hang out has never really been a problem, and no one has ever taken it too seriously.

    That, is until a new guy started hanging out with us, who was just as flirtatious back. I’ve always assumed that my engagement ring served as a bit of a shield, and because of this, I got myself until a couple close calls before I really realized it. The problem is, as others have said, when someone start flirting back the attention can be intoxicating (especially when you’re feeling starved for attention because the one you actually care about is so far away). So what started as what I thought was harmless behavior actually became a situation in which I came perilously close to ruining a marriage before it even got started. I am glad to say that in the one situation where this guy told me it was really to bad that I was taken, I was able to remember my fiancé and think about how quick gratification is not worth running our wonderful relationship, turned him down and excused myself from the bar we were all at. Nonetheless, I found the fact that I had even gotten myself that close to making a huge mistake deeply disturbing. Reading this has made me realize that even those with the best intentions can make mistakes.

  • Megyn

    I have also never posted before, but after reading this felt compelled to do so. I feel like this is something that happens, but is rarely spoken about. I never went to a message board about it, bc I’m sure as most of you know, people can be a bit harsh.

    I came across a similar situation before my fiance and I were engaged. At this point, we were going on 5 years of dating. This included a little long distance and a lot of work tension in our relationship. My fiance has a demanding job that you can never really predict when he will have time off for. This caused us to have a lot of arguments for a few years as he started his career and it put a lot of strain on the relationship.

    Fast forward to a wedding I was in that summer. I remember as I was walking down the aisle thinking I was happy I was not the bride. I thought about all the strain, the arguments, and all the times I had to attend events as a 1 instead of with my +1. The day after the wedding, my family and I went on family vacation. My cousins and I became friends with a group and I was attracted to one of the guys there. Long story short, we flirted for the week, he did try to kiss me but I turned away, and on the last night we had a definite “almost” situation…We didn’t kiss or make-out, but it was definitely too close to crossing the line.

    Since I didn’t cross that line, I never told my boyfriend. I was afraid of his reaction, which I know is weak of me…I realized that I didn’t want to give up our relationship. I missed the attention from him that I had always given to him. He always came first with me, but I never felt it was reciprocated. Afterwards I became more understanding that he was trying to build his career so we can have a future together, he became more attentive, and somehow things got much better. Our relationship is better than it ever was and we are getting married. We realized now that we are 2 lives coming together as 1 and are excited to spend the rest of our lives together.

    Now I can’t wait to walk down the aisle as a bride, but I live with my “almost” everyday. It really hurts me inside and I struggle whether to tell him or not. At this point it was years ago, so I don’t know if it would do more harm than good. I consulted with trusted family members and a priest and they both said to let it go. I realized now that just as the anonymous writer before me wrote, even if you have the best intentions, the highest morals, we’re all human. We make mistakes and we learn from them. Part of me wishes that the whole incident never happened, but I really wonder if it didn’t if we would be in the same place today…that’s what I hold onto

  • Ilse

    I’m a bit late coming to the comment party on this one, but it’s such a good topic, and I wanted to give my two cents.

    Some people have brought forward the notion that being sexually attracted to someone besides your partner is a sign that needs are not being met in the relationship, and while I feel this can sometimes be true, it is definitely not always the case. I think an important point to bring up is that sometimes sexual attraction is just that–sexual attraction. Sometimes it has nothing to do with how satisfied or dissatisfied you are in a relationship, and the notion that it has to be seen as unhealthy or threatening to a relationship seems to cause stress where there really doesn’t need to be. Having sexual feelings for someone other than your partner is a normal thing (at least it seems to be something most of us feel at one point or another), and I think part of why I feel so empowered in my relationship with my partner is that we acknowledge that it is inevitable that we will feel sexual and emotional attraction to others, but we’re allowed to own those feelings and talk about them instead of letting them fester inside us and make us feel guilty because it might signal that the relationship is broken.

    Of course, not everyone’s relationship might be able to accommodate this point of view (I’m definitely not trying to come across as saying that my relationship is superior in any way to others’, just that this is something that makes me comfortable in my relationship), especially if one or the other partner can’t help but feel that attraction to someone else really does signify that something is wrong, but I feel it’s important to discuss sexual attraction in a less-loaded context and to consider whether it really is something you can’t allow yourself to feel at the risk of endangering your relationship or whether it’s something that you come to allow as a part of being human.

  • Komae

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  • Chang Ling

    Women cheat for one simple reason. They want a long hard fat juicy cock rammed up their cunts and they don’t care how filthy the guy is that’s attached to that cock. They don’t care if they totally destroy the only man in the world that loves them as long as they can get that long hard fat juicy cock between their legs. End of story.

  • monica

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  • floria

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  • Deborah Wilson

    i
    have been married for 4years and i have a break up with my husband
    3months ago and i was worried and so confuse because i love him so much.
    i was really going too depressed and a friend directed me
    to this spell caster Dr. Laco and i made all my problems known to him
    and he told me not to worry that he was going to make my husband to come
    back to me and in just 48hours i receive a call from my husband and he
    was appealing that i should come back to the house. i have never in my
    life believe in spell and but now it have just helped me and i am now so
    happy. All Thanks to him and if you also want to have your Husband back
    to yourself here !! his email Address lacopowerfulspellcaster@yahoo.com
    i am so happy to testify of your work and kindness

  • paul frank

    Hello everyone, am here on this site to share my testimony,i want to share with you all about my relationship breakup which almost lead me to frustration and unhappy life experience,i was married to my ex divorced wife 4years ago and i and my wife have been living happily with our baby boy,but few months ago my wife started behaving strange to me, unknown to me that she have been engaging her self online with another man, who claims to love my wife,my wife still was keeping this as a secret to me, but few weeks ago i caught her on our computer messaging this man, and when i asked her who he was she told me that he is just a friend, the message conversation caught my attention and i decided to really through it, to my surprise my wife have been dating this man on my behalf for a very long time , so immediately after i noticed that i began to quarrel with her and i gave her a slap,she told me that she never loved me and told me that we should go for a divorce, i thought she was saying it from anger due to what was happening in our room,after some time my wife told me that we should go for a divorce due to the love i had for her i never wanted to support it, although it happened i still did not give up on her to get her and my child back home, so i went in search on how i can get my wife on the internet, well on my search i saw a testimony of a woman on how Dr ADUWAWA was able to restore back to her, her ex husband, immediately i copied the email address and decided to give a try, after all the procedures and instructions given to me by Dr ADUWAWA within the space of 2days my wife gave me a call and started begging me that she was sorry for what has happened between us, due to the Love i had for her i quickly responded to her that i have forgiven her and told her to come back home, now me and my wife are living happy again, all respect and honour to Dr ADUWAWA for the Help you have render to me and my family sir i pray God Strengthen you….
    if you need his help you can email him on (aduwawaspiritualtemple@yahoo.com)

  • sophia andres

    Hello I am Sophia Andres, I am out here to spreed this
    good news to the entire world on how I got my ex love back.I was going
    crazy when my love left me for another girl last month, But when i met the website of Dr Ikuku
    http://ultimatesolutioncenter.webs.com the great messenger to the
    oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Dr Ikuku about how my
    ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big
    company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i
    will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i
    need to do,After it was been done,In the next 12 hours,My love called
    me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also
    in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for
    forgiveness,I was called for an interview in my desired company were i
    needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed
    that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Dr Ikuku at
    the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem
    is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: ultimatesolutioncenter@gmail.com or call him on +2348104181322 and get your problems solved like me….. ONCE AGAIN HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: ultimatesolutioncenter@gmail.com or contact him through his website at http://ultimatesolutioncenter.webs.com. he is real and very powerful to help.

  • Henry Westwood

    Hello let me give this testimony to the public about a great man who help me out in serious illness I have HIV-AIDS for good 5year and I was almost going to the end of my life due to the way my skin look like all I have in my mind is let me just give up because life is not interesting to me any longer but I just pray for god every day to accept my soul when ever I’m gone lucky to me my kids sister run to me that she found a doctor in the internet who can cure HIV-AIDS she help me out on everything the man ask for my picture, so he can cast a spell on me from his temple after all he ask is done 45mins later I started getting more stronger my blood start flow normally for 4 to 5 days I start getting Wight before a month my body start developing my skin start coming up after 2month I went for HIV/AIDS test and I was tested negative I’m so happy that I can say I’m not a HIV patient if you have HIV-AID or any sickness please for your save contact him for cure now: Agumaguspelltemple@gmail.com call +2348158847627

  • HOW I GOT BACK MY LOVER

    My boyfriend was cheating on me and order a spell from Dr.OBODO.and the spells have changed him. Now I am happy with my boyfriend, thanks a lot

    E-mail;templeofanswer@hotmail.co.uk or cell +2348155425481 for Dr.OBODO quick reach

    Maggie (from slovakia).

  • Carolen Andrew

    Am really pleased with Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE on ekpentemple@gmail.com services. I am one of those people that forbid magicians to help me with my problem, but I reached the point where I knew that I needed some spiritual help about my relationship and I’m so glad I found so many blogs and websites talking about Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE powerful love spell. I never in a million years thought I would be writing a testimony like this, but when I nearly lost the love of my life in one of our stupid petty fights. I thought I had lost everything until Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE showed up. He performed a very good love spell for me. I don’t know how he did it, but all I know is that the love spell worked and we are happily back together without any after effect.
    I will always be grateful for Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE kindness, sympathy, and extension of services to me and to others in a real time of need. Thank you Dr. EKPEN TEMPLE. contact him on ekpentemple@gmail.com or call +2347050270218

  • Spencer Miller

    My name is Spencer, i am in the US army, one day, we went to Iraq, leaving my wife and two kids. I was away from home for ONE year, when I returned my wife told me she was no longer interested in the marriage that if she could survive for 1 year without me, the marriage is meaningless. Leaving home for ONE year was not easy but not having a family when i came back was more difficult. I pleaded continuously with her for 2 years even left the army just to convince her but all my attempt to get her back failed.On one faithful day, as I was about to sign a friend’s guest book, I saw a post about a spell caster, at first I laughed but took the email address and phone number. After 2days something inside of me just asked me to contact him so i did and he cast a spell for me and he told me she was going to come back to me after 24 hours, to my surprise she called me even before the 24 hours elapsed and she said honey where are you, I’m outside the house, please come and open the door for me. I opened the door and she came in, immediately she fell down on her knees and apologized to me, she said she was wrong to have left me and said she wanted me back. This is a big miracle….. All thanks to DR VOKE,if not for him,I wonder the kind of life I would have lived. I want to use this medium to encourage other men and women out there, to contact this great spell caster, he is one of the greatest spell caster that ever exist.DR VOKE have all kinds of spell and these include Love spell, Lucky spell,business spell,spell to stop divorce, Favor spell, curing spell e.t.c. This is his direct contact: DOCTORVOKE@GMAIL.COM or you can contact him directly through his cell number:+16125684925

  • Lidia Mckinney

    I been married to my husband for almost 20 years, he has become a liar, he is addicted to gambling, porno and drugs, he has become violent and just this past weekend for the first time in 20 years the police came to our house because he started chocking me in front of my daughter and she called the cops, I did no want to press charges but now I regretted, he left the house, took the money that we had in savings for our vacation, almost 2k, hasn’t come back in two days, hasn’t call and he changed his cellphone number. I’m sad but I can’t continue, for the sake of my kids, I have to leave this relationship, my self esteem is on the floor and I feel very helpless until i met this spell cater called Dr Ikhine on Facebook who brought him back contact him on agbadado@gmail.com or call him on +2347060552255 for your own help

  • http://www.military.com/spouse/military-deployment/reintegration/returning-to-home-life-after-deployment.html amazing testimony

    How To Stop A Divorce And Save Your Marriage?(Dr.Brave).

    Hello to every one out here, am here to share the unexpected miracle that happened to me three days ago, My name is Jeffrey Dowling,i live in TEXAS,USA.and I`m happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she did not love me anymore So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.(bravespellcaster@gmail.com}, So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day what an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who did not call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster . So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website http://bravespellcaster.yolasite.com
    ,i f you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to “bringing your ex back. So thanks to Dr Brave for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again.{bravespellcaster@gmail.com} , Thanks.

  • Rose Marylove

    Am happy to share this testimony about the great man called Dr Samura. I am Sandra from California , my husband had an affair with another lady for almost 10 years now and it was the worse thing that ever happened to our marriage. I was forced to take a good hard look at MY behavior in the marriage and I came to realize that I was partly to blame for his affair. I had become emotionally unavailable to him and when something good or bad happened in my life, I called my friends instead of my husband. I had stopped allowing him to love me and to support me and he felt as if I no longer needed him. As a musician on the road with his band, it became to much temptation for him when a girl he met on road became interested in him and was more than available for him emotionally and physically. Once I really started to examine my behavior, I realized that I had as much work to do as he did. When going through all theses problem i came across Dr Samura then i explained things to him. after explanation to him, he told me what to do by bringing back my husband so i decided to follow the rules which he gave to me. Now, My husband cut all tires with his other woman and became committed to working on our marriage to save it. Today, we have a beautiful son, another on the way in a couple weeks, we own our home, and have a fuller, happier life than we ever imagined. After i came across the testimony made by Julie about how this man of spirit brought back her ex husband for more than ten years in marriage. so my if you are in such pain and you don’t no what to do you can contact this great man for help i promise you all he will help you the way he helped me so via Email SAMURATELLERSPELL100@YAHOO.COM or call him +2348103508204 or visit his website http://samuratellerspell.webs.com/

  • michael walter

    My husband broke up with me a month ago because of the little misunderstanding will had, he was dating other young lady and he never take me out again he was totally changed and he never listen to any thing i told him. one day he came and told me he is bringing in other lady in our home, i was so frustrated so when i came across Dr.airiohuodion (airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com) how he use to rebuild broken home and make their family to reunite together again, so i quickly email him and explain all my problem to him and he guarantee me that my husband will definable want me back after the reunite spell. After everything my husband (SAM) came back to tell me he still love and cherish me that he promise never to cheat on me any more i was so happy and i quickly email Dr.airiohuodion (airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com) and thank him for the wonderful spell, he was God sent and if you need his helping hand contact his direct email at.(airiohuodiontemple@gmail.com).

  • michael walter

    i want to thank dr.odumalovetemple@gmail.com for the spell he did for me after i lost my husband to another lady at his working place, i was so frustrated and confused because i really love mark so much, someone directed me to dr.oduma and i explain things to him and dr.oduma promise to make him love and cherish only me forever, so he help me cast love and return spell for me and in 48 hours my husband return home saying he still love me that i should forget the past, my husband has so much love on his face right now thank you dr.oduma your spell work is 100% guarantee if you need his help!! contact his email: dr.odumalovetemple@gmail.com

  • jones

    Hello everyone,i am here to testify on how DR John helped me. December
    2013, I saw a post on a particular site sharing testimony on how the
    great spell caster brought back her ex. Initially,i thought the post is
    unreal but i later had a second thought and i contacted the spell caster
    as instructed by the post. I have no option than to try my best because
    my husband left me with my three kids for another woman after a minor
    misunderstanding. Me and my husband got married over six years and we
    lived so happily. At a certain time my husband started behaving strange
    to me after we had a minor misunderstanding of which i begged for
    forgiveness. Before i knew what was going on, he left me and go for
    another woman who works in the same office with him. When i saw the
    post, i contacted the spell caster on his email and he told me not to
    worry that my husband will come back to me in two days time once he
    finish casting the reunite spell on him. To my greatest surprise, my
    husband came back to me begging for a second chance after a maximum days
    of five back and we are living happily together as one family again. I
    want to use this medium to let everyone here know that this is real and
    if you are out there having this same problem please kindly contact Dr.
    John, the great spell caster via his email {PROPHETBAZ34@YAHOO.COM}
    because he can done the unexpected.
    Wish you all the Best too!

  • clara

    Hello everyone,i am here to testify on how DR John helped me. December 2013, I saw a post on a particular site sharing testimony on how the great spell caster brought back her ex. Initially,i thought the post is unreal but i later had a second thought and i contacted the spell caster as instructed by the post. I have no option than to try my best because my husband left me with my three kids for another woman after a minor misunderstanding. Me and my husband got married over six years and we lived so happily. At a certain time my husband started behaving strange to me after we had a minor misunderstanding of which i begged for forgiveness. Before i knew what was going on, he left me and go for another woman who works in the same office with him. When i saw the post, i contacted the spell caster on his email and he told me not to worry that my husband will come back to me in two days time once he finish casting the reunite spell on him. To my greatest surprise, my husband came back to me begging for a second chance after a maximum days of five back and we are living happily together as one family again. I want to use this medium to let everyone here know that this is real and if you are out there having this same problem please kindly contact Dr. John, the great spell caster via his email {PROPHETBAZ34@YAHOO.COM} because he can done the unexpected.
    Wish you all the Best too!