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Ask Team Practical: I Hated My Wedding


by Liz Moorhead, Ask Team Practical

Ask Team Practical: I Hated My Wedding | A Practical Wedding

My wedding was over a year ago and while I’m thrilled to be finally married to my husband, I can’t get over my disappointment in my actual wedding day. We put so much energy and time into planning everything, and it still hurts to think about the ways that it didn’t go according to plan and the ways people were hurtful. I know that I should just be happy that we got married, and I feel terrible that I can’t just do that. How do I come to grips with the wedding we had not being the wedding we wanted?

Depressed Over Wedding Nightmare

Dear DOWN,

Don’t beat yourself up for this! Of course you’re upset that things didn’t work out as planned. That’s natural. Wedding magic doesn’t always make that go away. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone. Take, for example, this post on not loving your wedding, or this one, and this one over here. There’s a lot of pressure out there to have the correct feelings about your wedding (and other things, too), and sometimes that’s just one more unrealistic expectation. Not feeling a certain specific way about major life events is okay; many people feel all sorts of different emotions. How can we expect every person to feel the same way regarding the really big things, when we rarely can all agree on the little things? (I honestly just don’t get the mustache trend. There. I said it.) Feelings can be complicated, whether we’re talking about weddings or moving in or changing our names or pregnancy. This pressure to have certain reactions devalues and ignores an entire spectrum of very real and very complex human emotion.

First thing? You need to forgive yourself for being disappointed. Then, you need to allow yourself room to do that. Rather than bottling up that emotion or feeling as though you’re not allowed to express it, let it out. Cry about it. Scream about it. Find a good friend who won’t mind listening to you whine about it. You have to give a wound some air in order to let it heal.

Once you cut yourself a little slack to fully experience your heartache over this, maybe you’ll notice it’s not as big as it feels. Must Not Think About It has a knack for turning even the smallest problems into giant, looming monsters.

You know how some people say that “everything happens for a reason”? I’m not sure how true that is (though I guess it looks nice embroidered on a pillow), but I think it’s close. Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but we all have the choice to take things that happen and make something worthwhile out of them. So your wedding day was crappy. Maybe it was something small, like your cake collapsed or the band played the wrong song. Or, maybe it was something bigger, involving familial drama and tears and pain. Is there something you can learn from this long-term? Is there a piece of that situation that you can take and make into something worthwhile? Maybe it taught you how to wrestle through unexpected, complicated and conflicting emotions (something that is sure to come up again and is good practice for when it does). If nothing else, maybe it taught you a little about letting go of things you can’t control. That right there is a pretty big life lesson, by itself. 

Once you give yourself the chance to find something—anything—positive about the bad memories, maybe you can move on to figuring out how to get over them. After I’ve given myself time to cry it out, and then I look for the bright side of things, it’s easier to move forward. When those negative thoughts spring up unexpectedly, I can more easily put them to bed because I’ve sort of mentally resolved it. The way I did with my wedding photos, I’ve mentally thrown out the bits that I don’t like and held onto the ones where everyone is smiling and I look hot.

Also, as with anything else, it helps to go in and replace bad memories with good. Sometimes, for those smaller nagging thoughts, it helps to laugh about them. If you and your partner can find a little piece of those wedding day problems to joke about, that’s the quickest way to replace a bad memory with a good. However, if the wedding day issues were bigger and the memories maybe a bit more hurtful, consider taking another day to celebrate your marriage. I’m not saying you need to renew your vows or run to Vegas or plan a wedding do-over, but maybe you can go out to dinner or spend the night away, just the two of you. When you think back to those painful wedding memories, you can remind yourself, “But then we celebrated our marriage together. And that part was nice.”

*****

Team Practical, help out our friend DOWN. How did you deal with wedding day disappointment? What do you do to move past bad memories and hurt feelings?

Photo by APW sponsor Emily Takes Photos

If you would like to ask Team Practical a question please don’t be shy! You can email Liz at: askteampractical [at] apracticalwedding [dot] com. If you would prefer to not be named, anonymous questions are also accepted. Though it really makes our day when you come up with a clever sign-off!

Liz Moorhead

Liz is an illustrator and writer who paints custom stationery and types up impassioned opinions about weddings, etiquette, feminism and motherhood (usually while shaking a fist and mumbling expletives around mouthfuls of cheese fries). Her spare time is spent sipping bourbon with her husband and playing Don’t Throw That in the Toilet with her son.

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  • Emily

    I think what Liz says about things looking different in retrospect is very important. I took a choir class trip my senior year of high school to sing at Disney World that was highly anticipated (not quite the same thing as a wedding but bear with me). At the time I had a tight-nit group of friends who would all be on the trip, including a guy I had a big, high-school-type THIS MUST BE LOVE crush on. I looked forward to all of us spending the week together and having all sorts of adventures. Unfortunately, he decided that he would rather hang out with the “cool kids” (our school was weird and we actually did have cool kids that did things like sing in choir and act in school plays) and snubbed us the whole week.

    I had a miserable week when I expected to have the best week ever, and it was not until several years later that I was able to look back at photos of the week and remember it fondly. I didn’t so much remember all the crying and pouting and commiserating that I did. Instead I remembered the days spent with the rest of my good friends, riding It’s a Small World too many times and trying on funny hats in the gift shop, and the nice boy who listened to my problems and bought me a stuffed Mini Mouse to make me feel better. I still can recall the hurt feelings, but now I just laugh at them instead. Now that I’m long out of high school, I know that the trip was not all that important. Weddings certainly have a lot more significance, but perhaps someday, something awesome may happen like buying your first home or having a baby, and you may think, “You know, it didn’t really matter all that much.”

    With a week until my wedding, I’m grappling with the nervous feeling that the wedding I’ve been planning for over two years will not turn out as planned. As it is, a lot of friends who mean a great deal to me will not be able to make it, and my mother is heartbroken and angry that her sister–her only living relative that still acknowledges her–has decided that my wedding is not worth the airfare and the disruption to the rest of her week. It is very possible that my wedding will be haunted by some hurt feelings. So I have charged my bridesmaids and wedding stage managers with the task of making sure that I feel joy all day, no matter what.

    • Diane

      Emily, I think you are wise to think through these things in advance and absolutely right on that times that feel miserable while you’re in them can look much better with time and perspective. I wonder, though, about charging bridesmaids and vendors with “making sure that I feel joy all day, no matter what.” I’m not sure that’s fair to expect out of anyone or any situation, particularly not a day as emotionally complex as your wedding day. That doesn’t lessen even one bit your joy at marrying your spouse but I think it’s hard to take such a momentous step without some more mixed and more complicated emotions. I wish you great, head-spinning, can-hardly-catch-your-breath, wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeing joy that day but also the chance to live there, in that moment, whatever it brings.

      • Emily

        Perhaps my wording was off. More what I meant was that I have asked my girls to help the crazy stay away, and the joy stay present instead. And perhaps a better wording would have been that WE ALL feel joy all day.

    • Brefiks

      I really like what Meg says downthread about protecting your own experience. For me, that meant making sure I was able to be present. That went from picking a comfortable dress and making sure I had eyedrops, etc for anything that might make me physically uncomfortable, to telling myself “My priority is to be present.” I didn’t want to miss out on anything because I was mad or worried. Make sure you take some time during the ceremony and reception to look around you and notice who’s there, and to see them being there for you. It’s wonderful.

  • Steph

    LOVE THIS!:

    “You know how some people say that “everything happens for a reason”? I’m not sure how true that is (though I guess it looks nice embroidered on a pillow), but I think it’s close. Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but we all have the choice to take things that happen and make something worthwhile out of them. ”

    I loved my wedding 3 years ago but this so relates to the career rut I’m in right now. Thanks for the great reminder! :)

  • Natalie

    Had my bachelorette party last night. Although it was wonderful, i was so nervous that I couldn’t eat. We went to a nearby place to gab and eat snacks and have wine…nothing over the top or crazy. And still, the party is one-twentieth of what my wedding will be this Saturday.

    Inevitably, last night some folks made everything about them. In addition to trying to be peacemaker with my own family, I was faced with conflict and caught in the middle of some of my fiancée’s family’s problems. This was very disappointing and I am expecting it to come up again at the wedding.

    As someone who is obsessed with people-pleasing, normally these conflicts and disappointments would really get me down. One thing that has helped me overcome these difficulties is recognizing which elements of a situation I actually had control over, versus which issues I simply wanted to control. This realization helps me to recognize the following:

    I do not control the behavior of others.
    I’m not responsible for others’ bad behavior.
    I’m only responsible for my own reactions.
    I’m in control of my own emotions and behavior.

    ‘everything happens for a reason’ is not a great thought process for handling these complex issues and emotions. Sometimes there’s no good reason for bad behavior. Try to ‘be with’ your emotions and process them by being gentle with yourself, forgiving yourself, but also remembering that there are great things to be taken from these challenges and awesome things to be learned from every disappointment. I can relate.

    In the process of planning my wedding, I suppose I’ve learned to manage stronger boundaries and expectations with family and friends who Make It About Them. That’s just one example.

    • Julia

      Yes, I have a real problem with “Everything happens for a reason.” It’s true there is much – mainly others’ behavior – we cannot control, but your four lines there resonate for me much more than the passive-sounding “Everything happens for a reason.”

      I do like the advice to dedicate some time to celebrating just the two of you. That could really help.

    • Liz

      Right! “Everything happens for a reason,” isn’t correct… which is why I said: “Maybe everything doesn’t happen for a reason, but we all have the choice to take things that happen and make something worthwhile out of them.”

      • Ambi

        I tend to think of “everything happens for a reason” as another way of saying “you can always choose to focus on the positive of any situation.” Meaning that, while the situation may suck, and there may be no point to it at all, there is always something good that will come out of it (even if it is that you learn, you grow, you become a stronger person). I know this is a bit Pollyanna-ish, but I really do try to approach life this way. Even the darkest, saddest, shittiest times in my life have ended up shaping who I am and making me a better person (and often, they have resulted in even more concrete silver linings, like a new job or a better relationship). To me, it’s about choosing to be happy and fighting for it.

      • http://thenextdot.org/ Dot Maker

        I can’t “exactly” this enough. Time and time again, I’m forced to realize that it’s how we frame the facts of our lives that matters more than the facts themselves. I’m still in training wheels in effectively employing this in my own life, but I have done some meditating on its importance including via a post the other week: http://thenextdot.org/2012/05/11/perspective-plus-positive-equals-positive-perspective/.

    • KatieBeth

      Amen, sister – it is so hard to maintain boundaries with those who make it All About Them. You work so hard to not be the B word (ends with a -zilla!) and others can’t do you the same courtesy by swallowing the crazy for one event. Seriously, why do weddings bring out all sorts of $%& for people OTHER than the couple getting married? It boggles my mind. We could probably keep doing our own thing for years and years – have babies even! – and no one would bat an eyelash. We could even just throw a party “to celebrate our love and community” – and everyone would say “Oh, that’s nice.” But the minute you say “wedding” – holy crap. Literally. I can sympathize with you – even though intellectually, you know that the wedding isn’t about you alone, you can’t help but feel like it DOES belong to you somewhat because you’ve spent so long thinking about it, planning it, stressing about it.

      Which is why I love the advice of “consider taking another day to celebrate your marriage.” Not like a Wedding Part II – because that would totally defeat the purpose of what I wrote above – but an affirmation of you and your partner. Hell, I think it would be awesome to get your closest friends together and go to the beach or to Vegas and do something fun to celebrate you and your partner. Or just go to a beautiful place, even a park, with your partner and read a love letter. Or build something together, like a piece of furniture or art or a garden. It can’t replace the memory of a wedding a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind – but it can be a chance to remove the b.s. from your life and celebrate the stripped down, purest version of your relationship.

    • Kara

      I do not control the behavior of others.
      I’m not responsible for others’ bad behavior.
      I’m only responsible for my own reactions.
      I’m in control of my own emotions and behavior.
      ———

      BRAVO! I could go on forever on how right and important this is, but bravo. These are truths that I have to learn, relearn, and then relearn again.

  • http://theatreprojects.blogspot.com Jessamarie

    So, I am sure someone who is way more science oriented than me can correct me, or help explain this better, but I have been told that every time you remember something, the actual memory changes in your brain (like physically the neurons change) to incorporate this moment when you are remembering it. Next time it comes up, you actually are having a memory of a memory, and it gets very “inception” after that.
    Once someone explained this fact to me, it helped me to understand advice like Liz’s. If I choose to see things in a positive light, and choose (at first with difficulty) to find the bright side of a story, I am slowly rearranging and changing the neurons connected to that memory in my brain. Where before I would sometimes brush off this type of advice as “that’s just something people say when they don’t know what to tell you in a bad situation,” now I am a bit more ready to give it a shot.

    Now please, someone who isn’t a science-dumb theatre nerd step in and tell me how this actually works. I would love to know.

    • HolidayJen

      Hi there. Theatre nerd here. But I, too, had someone (who was a real live doctor with a diploma) tell me that verbally talking about a memory or thought actually moves it to a different part of your brain. And that the emotional state that you’re in when that shift happens can affect the emotions that arise when you recall that memory or thought. (Or the memory of the memory? Whoa…) So if you’re in a calm, supportive environment discussing that painful/scary/stressful thought, the emotions associated with that memory later on will be changed, which is especially helpful for anxiety-causing thoughts or traumatizing memories. Folks with PTSD, etc. (Fun fact: this is why talk therapy can be billed to your health insurance.)

      Anyway, point being: talking about your memories in positive light to a supportive audience will apparently change the way your brain remembers things.

      Science!!

    • Laurel

      There’s an interesting article about memory and trauma in Wired, spurred by a new compound that can be used to erase memories. (WARNING: the first paragraph describes some very unpleasant images, coincidentally wedding-related.) When you remember something and feel the emotions around it, you reinforce the connection between the memories and the emotions. If you remember something and manage to feel different emotions, you create a different association.

      For non-traumatic memories, you can get a certain distance on your own by retraining your associations. I do this kind of like dog-training: minimal exposure to the negative memory in a very comfortable environment, then ramping up the remembering only once that’s comfortable. For trauma/panic, you probably need professional help (like Meg got in the SOAR course). I have more than one friend who’s had very good results from reprocessing trauma with EMDR which sounds weird but is awesome.

      Disclaimer: none of this is my profession.

      • meg

        You know, in the SOAR course they had me re-process trama of bad flights, by playing them BACKWARDS in my head over and over (so you’re starting from the part where you get home and everything is totally fine). I wonder if this might help with weddings too. Start from a moment when it’s over and everything is fine, and you’re glad it’s done, and then live it backwards, through the hard parts, back to wherever it was ok (putting on your dress). If you do that enough in your mind, you can probably start to think of it as “The thing that ended just fine.” A bit. Maybe. At least it worked for me with another type of memory.

      • ItsyBitsy

        As a self-defined brain-nerd, just wanted to say thanks for the link to the article! It’s really fascinating. Now I’m off to find the papers they referenced and get my geek on.

  • Ambi

    I definitely recommend an anniversary trip. Just the two of y’all, to some place that will make you happy. It’s not a do-over, but you can mark it in your memory as another special day in which you two celebrated your commitment and love.

    Also, my mother hated her wedding. Due to her parents fighting so much after a nasty divorce (and literally threatening not to attend the wedding if the other parent was invited), she and my dad just went to the courthouse with their friends and that was it. No reception or party later. And she was and still is, honestly, pretty disappointed that she never had the wedding she wanted. But you know what? Her marraige has been great. Her life has been happy. When we talk about it now, she basically has the attitude of, “yeah, it sucked, but that just means that, for me, my wedding day isn’t quite as important as, say, the day your dad proposed, or the day we bought our house, or the days when my children were born.” She has a lifetime of amazing memories, and the fact that her 50th birthday party absolutely trumps her wedding day is okay. She looked gorgeous that day, had an amazing time, saw her nearest and dearest, danced her ass off, and got to share it not only with her husband but with her kids, too. Your wedding day doesn’t have to be the best day of your life – sometimes its nice to realize that the best days really are yet to come. And, while it is cliche, she is really enjoying planning my brother’s wedding and eventually mine. She wants us to have everything she didn’t have, and she is getting to live vicariously through us a bit, and honestly that isn’t all bad. Despite what cheesy wedding shows on TLC may tell you, it is okay for your mom to use your wedding day to fill a hole in her heart. I’m not saying that you will eventually do this, but just keep in mind that your wedding isn’t the end of things- you have your whole life ahead of you, and it will be full of memories that outshine your wedding, and that can actually be a good thing.

    You are doing a lot already by admitting your feelings and trying to find a way to accept them and deal with them. Congratulations on being married to the man you love and being smart and mature enough to want to tackle this issue head -on.

    • SusieQ

      “You are doing a lot already by admitting your feelings and trying to find a way to accept them and deal with them. Congratulations on being married to the man you love and being smart and mature enough to want to tackle this issue head -on.”

      I second this. Your letter says to me that you are already doing a lot of the hard work of processing this, and I applaud you.

      Also, the first point Liz made, about forgiving yourself for being disappointed, is a great one. My mom says it this way: “First thing you need to do, is put down the big stick you’re beating yourself with.”

      • Edelweiss

        uhm..both of your moms sounds awesome.

  • E.

    In the interest of solidarity, I too hated my wedding day – I think it was the hardest day of my life. Not because wedding details went wrong (none really did) or because of who I married (that part has been awesome), but because some people really close to me were so hurtful. I can’t think of the day without thinking of the moment, right before I was meant to put my dress on with the photographer ready to start taking pictures, when I was crying in the bathroom. I choose to focus on the marriage, rather than the wedding, but I agree, it’s hard, and, honestly, it makes me jealous of people’s seemingly perfect weddings. I don’t know if I have any better advice, but, as Liz says, you’re not alone, and I’m wishing you a marriage full of happiness, even if the wedding wasn’t.

    • Liz

      Big hugs.

    • Sarah

      Reading posts like yours are so comforting! How can I get in touch with you? I want to start a support group for brides who have very painful wedding memories!!!

  • HH

    Great post, Liz. I like to think about something Meg wrote: “Your wedding will be everything you need it to be.” My wedding was not the greatest party of my life, and there are times when I’ve felt guilty about that. But really, I didn’t need to have the greatest party ever (nor did I plan for that!). I needed to get married and relax with people I love. If you think back to your wedding day, ask yourself what you needed from it, and focus on those things. The things you needed are so, so much more important than the things you feel guilty about missing.

    • http://adriatopia.etsy.com adria

      Seriously, this might have just been the exact thing I needed to hear…
      Must go process the thought of “Your wedding will be everything you need it to be” and see how that fares with my memories of the day…

    • meg

      That’s a really interesting way to process that line of mine, and it’s probably smarter than I even meant it.

  • Anon for a bit

    I have a dear friend who, at the very least, would probably say that her wedding is a day she’d prefer not to repeat.

    To this day, her wedding is one of the most physically beautiful I’ve ever been to and the details were 100% “them” – great band, relaxed vibe, short but intensely meaningful ceremony. I mean, they had an Irish COFFEE BAR, people, and the attendants made gloves from the linen napkins for you to wear while you drank it.

    But, it was also 100% “their families.” Her father can be manipulative and quite mean (her mother passed away years earlier). His mother can be sensitive. They fought. Loudly, obviously.

    She has an wonderful marriage, two gorgeous children and a 3rd on the way. Her home is filled with laughter and…I’m struggling with words a bit, but her little family is a family I’d like to be a part of.

    Point being – if the wedding is not something you can actively bring yourself to remember fondly or love, maybe it can be a learning experience. Or a really good anecdote that you can use to describe your family’s particular brand of crazy.

    • meg

      Yes. This. Also, even though we’re culturally ordered to remember our wedding fondly and love it, I really don’t think it’s necessary at all. It’s ok to HATE your wedding, in my book, as long as you let yourself hate it, process that, and then also let yourself move on. The only issue is when you can’t let go of the emotions… and often you can’t let go of the emotions because you feel such pressure to feel differently, or to love your wedding, and you can’t admit them and process them.

      In other words: it’s totally fine to hate your wedding. To hell with anyone who says otherwise (or ever mandates a specific emotion from you).

  • http://adriatopia.etsy.com adria

    I don’t know a married person who doesn’t think “I wish ____ would have been different on our wedding day”. It might be tiny little things, things they had no control over, or giant huge drama filled things, but there is always something.
    Getting over the notion that it’s going to be a “perfect” day helped me get through it with a level of sanity and calmness that I truly appreciated.

    That said, I don’t have a single bridal portrait, nor do we have a portrait of the two of us in which you can see us head to toe. There is my regret, and my sorrow, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that I get a gut-wrenching sorrow whenever I see a full-length picture of a bride. I’ve cried over it, I’ve tried to make it happen through photoshop, it’s impossible. And it hurts, and it’s not a hurt that will likely go away any time soon.

    Allow yourself to feel the emotions and talk to people about them. Your husband, your parents, your friends…they might not fully understand how you feel (or why you might feel what you feel), but they can usually talk you through it and help you towards healing.

  • http://somevagueutopia.blogspot.com Catherine

    Standing ovation for Liz’s advice from me.

    It’s not just weddings, it’s life.

  • Ambi

    Okay, so, this is not entirely on topic, but this post (and the comments) have really planted a kernel of anxiety in me about people I love being hurtful on my (eventual) wedding day (and leading up to it, I guess). I think I could shake it off when things go wrong with the details, with the venue or dress or food, etc. But loved ones being hurtful? That scares the shit out of me, because I know that I am pretty sensitive and tend to really take that stuff pretty hard. I don’t really have a question, or any advice or anything – I’m just so sad that people do this. I am glad we have APW and the amazing support and advice of so many smart women on here to help us deal with stuff like that.

    • Caroline

      Ambi,

      You will make it. I don’t mean that in a dismissive way at all, I mean it in a quiet, calm, assured kind of way. I had some very hurtful family moments in the weeks leading up to my wedding (it was just last month so I’m new at everything) and yes, it sucked. Nothing like feeling a family betrayal to knock your joy down a few pegs. But I can with honesty that I survived it, and as a resilient person I have continued my life without too much rage. On your wedding day, people may be hurtful to you, but ideally you’ll be able to let their discourtesy roll off of you and focus only on the meaning of a wedding and the goal of a marriage.

    • Jashshea

      I mentally latched onto that as well, Ambi. I’m of the mind that everyone should apply kindergarten rules with the hosts of a party their attending (treat people the way you want to be treated/if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything, etc etc). My mother isn’t a critical person, nor is my future MIL, so no worries there, but my g’ma is a different story. And you never know what’s going to happen with all the swells of emotion on the day.

      The worst part for me personally – I can be pretty vicious if I feel like I’m being attacked. And I already swear like a sailor. So, that would go no where good if someone got to me on the wedding day. This is honestly my biggest fear/pre-gret for my wedding. That I hop the train to snark town on someone and that’s the burned-in memory I have for the day.

      Apparently I also need to apply the kindergarten rules to my behavior. *sheepish*

      • Liz

        Guys, don’t get hung up on it! The nice thing about families is they’re sort of predictable. I could’ve guessed exactly which of my guests were going to behave rudely (show up drunk, leave early, tell me my dress was unflattering), and because I knew that possibility was there, I was braced for it, which helped me endure it with equanimity.

        I think that makes a world of difference. Sure, I guess we all can’t predict EXACTLY what’s going to go wrong on our wedding days (or any other day for that matter), but being aware that the possibility exists might be enough to steady your resolve to not let it bother you as much as it could if it sneaks up and stuns you. You don’t know specifically what might go wrong (so there’s no use dwelling on it now!) but you know there’s a possibility something might, which is pretty good preparation for if it does.

        • Ambi

          That’s true, and that makes me feel a bit better. I just feel really bad, honestly, for the poster and the people who are talking about how their families were hurtful. I know it is all a part of life, and real life isn’t pretty or perfect – it’s messy and people do hurtful things. I just never really thought about what it would be like if that happened to me on my wedding day, as it did to our poster. It’s kind of a fine line – you don’t want to get hung up on expecting your wedding day to be perfect (because it won’t be), but I guess I also don’t need to worry needlessly about stuff like this that I can’t control. I’m a worrier at heart – as y’all have already figured out, I’m sure :) – and this just struck me as such a sad thing to deal with on your wedding. We have talked about this on APW before, but now it is really sinking in just how deep those wounds can go and how long they can last. I mentioned my mom’s wedding, above, and I think I want to give her a huge hug because I feel bad that she had to deal with hurtful family ruining what was supposed to be a happy day.

          So, for myself, I will try not to dwell on it, but be prepared that it may happen. And for the original poster, I guess I have no other comment or advice than just to say that really really really sucks that your family was hurtful to you, I am so sorry you went through that – huge hugs and love and support and sympathy.

          • Maddie

            You know, this actually happened to me. Certain VERY important family members were very hurtful right before the wedding and at the time it was kind of super traumatizing. It took a while to get over (for a lot of reasons discussed here, including the fact that I felt guilty for not having a perfectly joyous wedding) but now, looking back on it, I’m so glad it happened. Because the fact that it happened on such an important day made it that much clearer that there were changes I needed to make in my relationship with that person. Changes I’d been ignoring for a long time because the things that were happening didn’t seem all that big.

            So while I can’t tell you that everything will be fine, or that it won’t hurt if people suck, what I can tell you is that sometimes the less awesome parts of our wedding can be blessings in disguise. A relationship that kind of sucked right around my wedding is now 1000x better as a result of some crappy things that were done on an otherwise important day.

          • ANON for now

            Wow. I was hoping to read something like what Maddie said that would help me, since I KNOW that some very important family members are going to be very hurtful on that day (and leading up to it- a year out and it’s already started)… and Maddie, Thank you for this:

            “Because the fact that it happened on such an important day made it that much clearer that there were changes I needed to make in my relationship with that person. Changes I’d been ignoring for a long time because the things that were happening didn’t seem all that big.”

            Strangely enough, I think that *I* can see how big the things that are happening really are, but not the people who are being hurtful cannot, or choose not to. Perhaps I can adjust our relationship now (or post-wedding, however the chips fall) by helping the folks being awful see how big the hurts are/were. Hm. Food for thought.

        • A-L

          The only thing that I would add here, is make sure you don’t put your rose-colored, I’m-getting-married-and-everything-will-be-great glasses on before the wedding. Because even though I thought ahead of time about where family drama might occur (and made seating plans accordingly), the emotional hit that I sustained completely blindsided me. But looking back on it, I shouldn’t have been blindsided.

          To illustrate: Several months before my wedding one of my sisters said she wouldn’t be able to come (and had absolutely no reason to offer for it). I was really upset about it. But several months later, she changed her mind and said she’d come. I was thrilled. Yet the whole wedding weekend, she was extraordinarily aloof toward me. Couldn’t get her to say more than a sentence or two to me at a time, she’d stop talking whenever I came near her, and she talked more to friends of mine she’d never met than she did to me (though I kept trying to talk to her). She didn’t give me a gift, or even a card. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. But if I’d put my thinking cap on before the wedding, I would have realized that there was definitely potential for a problem. I was just too oblivious or naive to think it of it ahead of time. And that preparation would have certainly helped to ease the sting a bit. Sorry for blathering on so much!

    • Umpteenth Sarah

      Some people have regrets that linger about their wedding, and some people don’t. This depends on the type of person you are, on your family, on what actually happens, and so on. It rained on my wedding day (in a rainforest, but… outdoors… what was I THINKING?) but the only time I ever think about stuff like that is when I’m asked to recall things that went wrong. Know thyself. If you are the type of person who tends to focus on things that went wrong, go into the wedding with a mantra (like, this is going wrong AND SO I will walk away and leave it alone) and try to surround yourself with what will become positive memories.

      I actually loved my wedding, even though there were aspects of peoples’ behaviors that were painful. So, there is a middle place, and I am totally happy to occupy that middle place :)

    • meg

      Ambi,
      If it makes you feel better, we had loved ones who totally did hurtful things around our wedding day (honestly, I bet almost everyone does). And you know what? I loved my wedding (for what it was, though I certinly don’t need to live it again) and I think back on it as a really important really joyful moment in my life. I write a lot about ways to deal with this in the book, so I’m not going to re-hash that here (read that part of the book before the wedding). But I went into it KNOWING these things were going to happen, and I was able to focus on letting it happen, letting go right away, turning around, and moving on with my day. Unlike any normal day with loved ones, I knew that on THAT day, my job was to protect my own experance, not deal with people’s shit. And for me, it totally worked. I’m a sensative person to, but I was able to choose not to give a shit for 12 hours, because I knew something WAY WAY more important was going on. So have hope. I’d guess that almost all of us who will tell you that our wedding was wonderful ALSO had hurtful things happen, we were just able to decide to let it go in the moment, and then process the experance in our memories in a way that highlighted the amazing stuff, and mostly left out the horrible stuff.

      Which doesn’t make it wrong for other people to have a hard time with their wedding day, I just want to give you that perspective as well.

      (And also, for people who know they have straight up emotionally abusive families, I’d argue that’s why elopements were invented ;)

      • Jashshea

        I have a friend who recommends the Valium and Champagne cocktail for dealing with pesky jerks on the wedding day.

        I assume she meant for the bride, but maybe that’s how I’ll cope: You’re being rude? Here’s some champagne.

        (NOTE: I in no way advocate for drugging your guests. Unless it’s purely fictional drugging intended to be humorous).

      • Ambi

        I am not trying to be dramatic, but . . . I literally felt the tension and anxiety melt away as I read that, Meg. That is SUCH good advice, especially about protecting your own experience. I can do that! I KNOW I can do that, and knowing that calms me. It may be overstating it, but honestly, I just had a little bit of a moment – I really think that this site, your book, your advice . . . it is a type of calling. Because you are helping so many of us! Honestly, that paragraph just reframed my thinking – I am not at the mercy of my loved ones and family, I am in control of my own experience. This is HUGE. I was freaking out a bit because I realized, in reading the original post and comments, that honestly, I really really feel like I need the love and support and happiness from my family that is generally associated with a wedding. This is all based on my own personal issues (my parents have hardened their hearts to my boyfriend because we have been together for so long and he hasn’t yet proposed and they think it means he doesn’t really love me enough; I am slowly coming out of a few years of funk/depression?/self-esteem issues where I just haven’t felt like myself; and I have never felt 100% accepted by my guy’s family) and I have built up this idea in my head somehow that the outpouring of love at our eventual wedding will help cure all of that. Now, I am trying to create a frame of mind where I protect my experience throughout the whole process, but where I don’t expect it to solve any of my problems, either.

    • Anon

      Ambi, I’m just seconding (thirding) everyone else’s advice here about prepping yourself for what is usually predictable behavior.

      I have not had a wedding, but I recently had a party for a major life event (graduating college after many years of delay). It was a multi-event weekend involving friends and fellow graduates; we even rented a house. My family, bless them, acted exactly how I expected. They were thrilled for me, proud of me and came to the event and brought me gifts. They also didn’t bother to RSVP, didn’t help with prepping or planning, were late (and late, and late, and late), complained about traffic to me, acted like my accomplishment was their own, talked about exes in front of current partners, and invited themselves to additional events they had not been invited to. I wasn’t at all hurt because I wasn’t surprised, and I’m really happy that they did come to celebrate with me.

      As Meg has said before, weddings and other life events do not mean that suddenly the people in your life will grow a clue. And as Maddie said, it was a FABULOUS reminder of why to not recruit these people to help with my wedding. That’d just be asking for hurt feelings all around.

  • Stephanie

    Oh man. I hated my wedding day too. In all honesty, it was because we rushed getting married. We really should have waited a year to get married. But done is done, and that is that.

    But my best friend and my sister are getting married within the next 18 months. So I get to have fun with their weddings, with crafting and finding vendors. I will do everything I can to make sure they regret nothing about their weddings and the engagements.

    Yes, I’m sad I didn’t get the wedding of my dreams, and that my wedding day was not the happiest day of my life. But you know what? When we buy our first house, you can bet our housewarming party will be freaking amazing. And our 25th anniversary will be a huge gala to remember. So all is not lost, and I’m actually glad that the happiest day of my life is still to come.

    • E.

      Stephanie, That’s so true. One of the ways I’m working through the crying-in-the-bathroom at my wedding is by serving as the wedding planner for a close friend. Helping to facilitate someone else’s wedding joy definitely makes things easier.

    • Lotus

      I know it’s been ages, but Stephanie, how are you so positive about it?! I suffer with ocd which has ruined
      many things for me, but I just struggle to come
      to terms with how accepting you are that such a big day wasnt what you thought it would be! I wish I was like you! Do you ever find yourself regretting things? Or wondering why your day wasnt as happy as others?

  • Maeve

    So part of this, I think, is about our society’s seeming requirement that joy be unalloyed. Everybody talks about a wedding as the happiest day of your life, and you’re somehow supposed to just float through that day on a bubble of complete happiness. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really have days like that, period. I have moments like that–moments that are just perfect and I feel complete contentment and happiness–but not whole days. Days are about strings of emotion, from happiness to anxiety to boredom to whatever. And even more than that, there are moments where I’m really happy and really sad or anxious at the same time. Society doesn’t give us credit for being complex individuals; we can hold opposing feelings at the same time. And that’s okay. Acknowledging the negative feelings doesn’t make the positive feelings any less meaningful.

    • meg

      I mean, my wedding was amazing and life changing and it STILL wasn’t the happiest day of my life. That (crazy enough) might have been on honeymoon or something, and I’m sure I still melted down from being tired and cried during that day and yelled at David. Joy is never unalloyed, just like happyness is something that happens in a flash in a moment, not a constant state we live in. But what would joy or happyness mean, if we had it all the time every second? Right???

  • http://charisscottholm.wordpress.com/ Charis

    I’m so sorry to hear that you didn’t enjoy your wedding and that people were hurtful, I’m only just beginning to plan my wedding but to be disappointed after all the hopes and expectations (crazy as they may be), I can’t begin to imagine how painful that is.

    I think that you are really lucky that you do not regret your marriage and that you are happy in your relationship. I think that in focussing on your marriage and really enoying your life as a married person could be a way forward- after all, as bad as you are feeling about your wedding you got a wonderful husband out of it!

    I do wonder if some acceptance of the things that went wrong, and maybe even some forgivness could help you overcome some of sadness. Maybe you’ll never understand why people were hurtful, but if you can accept that they were for whatever reason and try and get over it that could perhaps help you move on from this (easier said than done, I know).

    I think maybe as well you could forgive yourself for not enjoying your wedding- as Liz says- all life events are enjoyed (or perhaps even endured) differently and there is no shame in things not being as you planned them- sure you dreamed them one way, and they happened in another way, but that makes you human and is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Even though your wedding was not a positive experience it still was a experience, one in many of the various life events that come our way and teach us something new, and maybe you did take something positive from it that you have not yet realised.

    If I were you I’d take Liz’s advice and find a different way to celebrate your marriage, I’m sure you have another 50 wonderful anniversaries to come that will help heal the wounds of a painful wedding day.

  • Jessica

    Somehow APW always posts something that echoes what went through my head the day before. Just yesterday I was trying to sort through my feelings about our wedding. I don’t feel I hated our wedding, but I do have regrets and have been hard on myself in the past for not feeling the “right” things. It’s easy to forget that everyone feels different things about their weddings.

    Someone earlier mentioned memories changing as we access them- I’ve definitely noticed that myself. The morning after our wedding, when we disembarked from our flight, my husband and I called my parents to thank them for everything they did for our wedding and I told my mom that it was the best day ever and it couldn’t have gotten better. I was in tears in the airport because I was so overwhelmed with happiness. If you asked me now what I thought of our wedding, I’d probably say something like “eh, I would have done xyz differently and I didn’t like abcd about it.” Recently, I’ve been trying to focus on acceptance. Last night, I looked through our wedding pictures and realized that my husband and I are no longer the people who had that wedding. In my eyes, the people in the pictures look like strangers, definitely not us (and we’ve only been married 8.5 months). The wedding we had was perfect for us then, but we’ve continued to grow and change and the wedding we would have now would be much different. It’s very easy to let your current self be disappointed with your past self.

    I don’t know if any of this was helpful, but, solidarity with the feelings!

  • http://dylanandsarah.com Sarah T

    I still have conflicted emotions about our wedding day, though I’m happy to say they have gotten less conflicted and more muted as time goes by. A month post-wedding, I was still pretty torn up about it. Now almost at a year, I’ve just pushed a lot of it aside. I have far fewer gems from the wedding photos than I thought I would, and looking through them all doesn’t actually bring back strong emotions one way or another. Some people might think that’s bad, but I have so much wonderful emotion in being married that the emotion of that one day doesn’t seem as significant to me. That’s ok.

    I didn’t hate it all. It definitely could have been smoother, in the run-up, with parents. Some things weren’t up to us (family drama with long-lasting effects, disappointing vendors), and some things just got dropped (if I could got back and plan the playlists and no-lists the way my friendor DJ asked me to…). There were great parts and there were awkward parts — hey, it was reflective of us! I made the APW-inspired decision to let go or the wedding to focus on the marriage, but what I didn’t exactly expect was that I still remind myself to do that when I recall the wedding.

  • KateM

    I think that someone said it best above, your wedding day isn’t going to be the happiest day of your life.
    We got married two weeks ago today (woohoo) and while everything went really smoothly and I had a really good time, it wasn’t the most fun I have ever had. I have had nights that stand out more as just great nights, part of that is I like smaller groups, but also it is really hard for any wedding to live up to expectations. After planning one day for a year and a half, I think it is unusual for it anyone to feel the way they expected to. Again, I had a great time, and a relatively low drama quotient (one friend who made it about her and her ex who was also there) but I have moments in the day that were unlike anything else. Saying my vows and looking in Dave’s eyes and both of us grinning, breaking down into tears as my brother said a prayer for our recently deceased grandmother, two friend BAWLING because they were so happy for me. I am trying to hold those moments in my memory more than the overall day. Talking about it and hearing the stories that I didn’t get to see myself was also a lot of fun.
    That may not be the case for you, you might not be able to pull those moments. And that is fine. Both of my parents said that the wedding wasn’t the happiest day of their lives and 35 years later I think they would be disappointed if it was. Your wedding is just a starting point, and as you two continue to grow in love you may be able to look back on that day with affection as the beginning. And maybe not everyone was supportive, but the people who were there 99.9% were there because they love you, and wanted to surround you in that love on that day. You might not have felt it, but now that you can take a step away, hopefully you can see it. And I will drink a toast to you and all of us brides today (since I am skipping out early for happy hour this afternoon) that our wedding day was the day we loved our spouse the least, and the beginning of happier days to come.

    • Sarah

      Love this post!!!

  • Abby J.

    Oh, boy, This Is Me. This is SO me. Although I’m not the original LW, I could have written this exact letter. I’ve read every previous APW post on hating your wedding at least twice, and I can’t wait to come back and read the comment stream on this. I’m on vacay with my hubby right now (yay!) so I don’t have the time to write more at the moment.

    Maybe eventually I’ll be able to get enough of a grip on my conflicted feelings to write a Grad Post.

    • meg

      Do it! It would be so helpful to people. (Once you’re ready, of course).

  • Anon

    I don’t like to make responses all about me and my story, but I will say this: my wedding was the single most devistating experience of my recent memory, and I truly resent what it did to my mental health. I love my partner, and was long married to him in my heart, but the experience of getting married and the emotional pain that went with it was worth it ONLY because it made him happy. To be clear, my loved ones were overall awesome with some minor exceptions, so more than familial pressures can make the day a challenge.

    I choose to actively modify the day in my mind, in the hopes that eventually my made up memory will supplant the truth. The only advice I can offer is “be gentle with yourself”. It’s easy to think guilty thought and feel responsible for your experience, but life is rarely that simple. Also, if you have someone to talk about it with who you KNOW will support you, I recommend it. I DO NOT recommend talking to just anyone though: I tried sharing my experience with my friends afterwards (like, after a month or so had passed) and they started crying when they found out what I’d been dealing with because they felt so badly that my day was not a fond memory. So share with caution.

    Best of luck to you, and I wish you better days ahead as this wedding becomes a memory overshadowed by better memories!

    • Margi

      I’m sorry you had such a traumatic day. Reading your post gave me chills because it is exactly why I don’t want a wedding – even though I know a wedding is important to my partner. I have a lot of anxiety and depression issues that I have been trying to work through and I’m afraid that I will have a devastating wedding that it will negatively impact my marriage and how I see my partner. I just can’t do it.

      • anon

        Honestly, for me, it took me about 2 months before I was able to process what just happened. In that time, I read some ‘reclaiming wife’ (hence why I’m here now… I spent a lot of time reading about other peoples weddings, trying to make sense of it all) and focused on other parts of my life like my actual relationship, and I have to say that I’m feeling better everyday. I realized that, for me, the wedding had become a multi-year threat, looming over me and making me constantly deal with all the reasons that weddings weren’t relevant for me, and sticking it’s pointed finger deep into my self-esteem. Plus, life, as usual, doesn’t go on vacation while you’re planning a big day.

        While I’m not sure I can say it was worth it, and I really just think that weddings aren’t for everyone, the relief I now feel knowing I won’t have to go through it again, and that no one will ever ask us about when we’ll get married, and the fact that he’s happy is so very soothing that I sometimes wish I’d done it earlier. That’s why I say I’m choosing to actively remember it differently… I’m pretty confident that one day I will, and I hope that by that time, I’ll have learned to handle the things that were so hard for me to handle at that time.

        Know what helped? RECLAIMING WIFE! I’ve never found a good relationship only (not wedding focused) blog that I love a much as those posts so I keep coming back. Readers of APW, please keep those coming! Your honest stories of your life have truly helped me.

    • Sarah

      I must get in touch with you!

  • Lynn

    I did not *hate* my wedding; I just didn’t feel good about it after it happened. There were lots of little (and big) things that as they were happening, I kept telling myself it was OK–the weather is going to be craptastic? Excellent. My best friend and bridesmaid can’t make it because she is having a terrible RA flare and literally cannot walk? Great. I totalled my care? Woo-hoo. My cosmetologist cousin who in December said he would do my hair and then a week before the wedding said he thought I had someone there to do it…even though he was certainly coming to the wedding? Fantastic. The cheesecakes didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to? Awesome. We really can’t do macaroni and cheese, even though it’s the one thing that *I* totally wanted? Hip-hip-hooray. The music didn’t happen the way I wanted it to? Yay. The first look session that I wanted didn’t happen? Sweet. Our guests didn’t participate in the way we wanted them to? Right on. The evil sister-in-law was the evil sister-in-law? Goody. Grandma refused to be a part of the pictures? Outstanding. We can’t do a photobooth because of the chance of rain and the only place to put it is exposed? Yippee. That dress my mom made wasn’t what I hoped it would be but now there’s no time and no money to get something different? Perfect. My maid-of-honor is pissing off everyone who is offering their help? Super.

    Kinda gives me a lump in my throat and makes my eyes a little misty now thinking about it, but during the moment I really did have an oh-well-I-can’t-do-anything-about-it-now-so-screw-it. It hurts now, though.

    I have struggled to reconceptualize my wedding because in the aftermath, seeing the first photos come in of me that I definitely didn’t like on top of all the other stuff? It was bad.

    The things that have helped is seeing that photo of me and my two bridesmaids–my best, most supportive friends for more of my life than not–laughing. Hysterically. About something (I can’t remember…the Ativan had kicked in at that point). Remembering the feeling of overwhelming love coming towards us at the rehearsal…and saying (and meaning) that we could have done our wedding a ton of different ways but being with the people we love and who love us was what was important to us. Looking at the photos of all of the work that went into making that day happen–all of the decorations that went up, all the food that was put out, all of the chairs and tables that were set up–that we didn’t have to worry about because our friends and family stepped in to make it happen…and then they all made the mess disappear after the wedding was over so we didn’t have to worry about it either. My friend-turned-officiant tearing up about what a special place we were all occupying and how Gumbo Acres (my husband’s parents’ name for their house) is sacred ground not just because there was a wedding there that night because of the acceptance and love and peace that you are offered when you arrive. Seeing all of our assembled communities stand and say “We do” when they were asked to support us and our marriage. Watching my husband dance with his mother, and then his mother and his father, during the mother-son dance. Rockin’ with the band to “Keep Your Hands to Yourself” (a teasing karaoke tribute that I’d been singing to my husband the entire year before the wedding). Watching all of my husband’s friends doing the Cupid Shuffle (I don’t line dance so I wasn’t out there with them). Holding my husband’s hand as he drove us away and talking about how starving we were, were we going to hit the drive-thru at Wendy’s or call in an order to Coop deVille? (we went to Wendy’s where everyone was so excited)

    And then we started to see what people were saying about our wedding–best they’d been to, most unique, reflected exactly who we are, best favors ever, perfect music selection, incredible drinks, etc.

    I’m still a little weepy about the way I looked and it still kills me that my best friend couldn’t make, but I feel better overall about what my wedding was.When I get upset about the things that were difficult, I instantly remind myself of all of those wonderful moments. It’s easy to remember everything awful and think that the whole thing was awful–but that’s not true. There were some things that were incredibly craptastic, but there were things that were exactly what they should have been and more than I could have ever hoped for.

  • anon

    I just want to commiserate, because I have mixed feelings about my wedding day as well. It’s been nearly a year and it’s hard to think of some of the things that went wrong, but slowly I’m being able to laugh it off and remember the truly awesome things that happened.
    For one, my bridesmaid, who is my best friend, was an absolute source of drama before and directly after the wedding. She caused some very tense moments for me and my sister and mother right before the ceremony started which robbed me of the time I wanted to contemplate the life-changing step I was about to take. She caused mad drama at the wedding rehearsal and just seemed to make everything about her when I really needed her to be aware of what I was going through and that I needed her.
    My Mom complained about everything TO ME during the ENTIRE reception. They didn’t serve the right wine at the right time, someone wore jeans and “messed up all the pictures.” She complained about the wedding photos (which I love) after the fact, leaving seeds of doubt in my mind that have been difficult to get over.
    However, my relationship with my best friend has changed for the better. I am now much more honest with her and do a much better job of telling her what I need from her. I refuse to put up with unnecessary drama anymore, and our friendship is stronger and better than it ever was. My mother’s behavior has led to a stronger relationship with my sister (who was just married) and some “baby family” solidarity with me and my husband.
    And when I want happy wedding memories, I think of the piñata! It was awesome. And I think of the moment when my husband and I stepped out of the ceremony and had just a minute before everyone else came out of the room and we were giddy and surprised and so, so happy. And I look at the pictures, where everyone – even my Mom – is beaming, laughing, enjoying themselves.

  • melissa

    Yeah, I hated my reception and am ambivalent about my wedding ceremony itself (separated by six weeks). I also hate about half the people I invited to my reception. I still like my husband, so there’s that.

  • Lauren

    Nearly two years later, and I still am right where the letter-writer is. I don’t have advice, or solutions. All I can say is to try not to let it follow you- my disappointment in my wedding still follows me around and rears it’s head every time something negative happens, like my life has been a string of negative events that started with not standing up for myself and having the wedding I wanted. It’s not a fun place to be, and I’m still struggling to find the exit, because I know that my life is actually pretty okay. Some of the advice that Meg and Liz have offered in the comments has been helpful, though I will need to reread it over and over, and perhaps write it out on paper before I can really take it to heart, because posts like this generally reduce me to tears.

    • Abby J.

      I’m not 2 years out on my wedding, but I am 6 months out and I sympathize with you. Many of the things that people said would “get better with time” have not, and I am realizing that 30 years down the road I will most likely still look back on my wedding and have some pretty major regrets. That sucks. Alot.

      One thing that has helped me, especially since alot of my regrets around my wedding are centered around having the wedding other people wanted and not the wedding I wanted, was drawing a line in the stand and having a huge battle with my mother regarding post-wedding-stuff. The fallout from that battle is still on-going, but at least I can say to myself that I did not cross yet another boundary that was important to me for the sake of other people. And it has helped me leave some of the wedding emotional junk behind.

    • Sarah

      I can relate to you :(

  • Sarah c

    I could have written this question. So thanks for all the eloquent responses.

  • April

    To the original poster – BIG HUG to you. And thanks to everyone for the comments – read all of them. *THIS* is why, nearly 3 years after my wedding, I keep coming back to APW every.single.day. Because no where else talks about this stuff! Especially the “I didn’t like my wedding” stuff. You’ll never see those words on other wedding sites. Which is sad, really. Because those words need to be shared so that baby brides don’t drive themselves to the brink trying to attain wedding perfection.

    There were several things about my wedding that I didn’t like, and still don’t like. I’ve learned to just live with it…and maybe, hopefully, it won’t bother me at all as the years go by. But there are times when I think about the things that wrong or the people that were hurtful, and it bums me out. Immediately after our wedding and more than a year after that, all I did was feel disappointed about what went wrong at our celebration. The emotions and hurt would flare up each time I looked at our album on the coffee table, agonizing over the photos I didn’t have of my immediate family. I work in events, and coordinate weddings. Weekend after weekend hearing proud parents gush over their daughters and sons, offering tearful wedding toasts…it just wrecked me, since my parents flat-out refused to attend my wedding. I tried to get over it on my own, or cried to friends about it who told me “your wedding was FAB! Don’t obsess over the crap. Crap happens.” Truthful, but not exactly helpful. My husband got tired of hearing about it too, and I ended up feeling like no one understood. To keep the peace and also help me try to get past all the negativity I had about the wedding, I finally boxed up our wedding album and video, and put them in the garage. That probably sounds awful, but outta sight, outta mind. Right?

    Now, when the hurt creeps in or I see what looks like a perfect wedding, I try to focus on one of my most favorite moments of my own wedding day – the grand entrance into our reception. As the doors opened, my new husband and I entered hand in hand, smiling our faces off as the music pumped through the speakers. Our darling friends gave us a standing ovation, cheering at the top of their lungs, waving at us as we breezed in…it was amazing and the hair on my arms stood up from the energy in the room and I felt absolutely giddy! Remembering *that* helps me let go of (at least for the moment), all the other unsavory bits.

  • Annie

    Ive got a few tears as I read the comments

    My wedding was terrible and I am still trying to get over it. I hope I do soon as I have always been a positive person but this just knocked me for six because I can’t understand why so many people let me down (including my husband)

    We separated after four weeks but have reconciled but if I don’t get over this I will destroy my future which is sad for one day.

    He comes from a big family and said we could not afford to have it here so we had to go abroad /by opting to go abroad it knocked out my family who could not afford to go abroad. I didn’t want to stress about it but wish I had put my foot down and had it in this country ( he should have picked who he wanted to come)

    So my best friend and Dad were the only people in my wedding party I was upset but tried to get on with it.
    He had about 10 people attending.

    My best friend tells me she can’t come after all as she has been trying for a baby and is now actually pregnant. My guests were down to one. I think the humiliation hurts more than anything that all my pictures it’s his friends and family.

    I didn’t have a first dance

    I gave my flowers to one of his nieces all of his family that were women we’re married.

    We had a small dinner with other guests in the hotel no one hardly spoke to me, I had a ten year old that I didn’t know sitting next to me.

    His family stayed with us on our honeymoon and I was the third wheel.

    Sometimes I think this needs to be fixed but is it contrived to get married again ?

    His sister is going to get married soon and I know the weddding is gong to beautiful I can’t bring myself to go which is sad but it is just going to make me so unhappy, I have always been happy for people and helped when ever I could and the one day I needed help and support I had no one.

    • Anonymous

      Oh goodness… big hugs. I’m so sorry that it turned out the way it did for you. If you are inclined, I do not think at all it would be contrived for you to have a US-based re-do, maybe just a US-based reception. If money is an issue, maybe something not fancy, but festive. Even a back-yard get together with appetizers and drinks so that you can celebrate with the people you love. I think you deserve more than sitting next to a ten-year-old you don’t know, and even if you don’t get it, you have every right to feel sad about the way the day turned out. Still, it may be helpful to remember that a wedding isn’t a marriage, and a marriage in the absence of a perfect wedding can still be wonderful.

  • Anonymous

    Ok, so, true confessions. I didn’t hate my wedding, but I didn’t love a lot of it. And I barely remember most of it, and I’m pretty sure it was anxiety-induced forgetting and not alcohol-related.

    First of all, I was crazed with anxiety for the entire week before and for the entire day of. I was having a friend calculating tips on her iphone while my hair was being done and writing checks and stuffing envelopes with cash while cursing myself for not having done it beforehand, even though I have an extremely demanding job and was planning a wedding from out of town while simultaneously planning an overseas honeymoon and even though we had some crazy last minute guest list changes and had to redo a good part of the seating chart in the morning. I wasn’t sitting around popping bon-bons, or procrastinating, I was just crazy, crazy busy. And my work got way demanding as everyone panicked that I was leaving, and so on top of the wedding stuff, I was blabbing away on work-related conference calls even in the car on the way to the city where we were having our wedding and filled with anxiety about all of the emails I couldn’t keep up with on my blackberry.

    Second, when I get crazed with anxiety, I get gut-splitting giggles. I practically flew into hysterics when my photographer (a wonderful APW’er) whipped out her reflector-thingy; all I could think of was that it seemed like I was a bull being baited by a red cloth. I flew into hysterical laughter when I found out that my fiancee had decided that we should not only drive ourselves to our wedding (thus, potentially drunk drive ourselves back to the hotel) but also that we should take one of the handicapped spaces that I’d reserved for a family friend with M.S. (a situation that was mercifully worked out by other people while I was still crumpled on the floor laughing my a** off). I almost died laughing when my officiant decided to launch into an unscripted and long-winded monologue about the people who made the bricks that and that carried the sand to build our venue (quite possibly slaves). I almost busted out laughing when the same officiant dropped his papers all over the place while my nephew stared on saucer-eyed and my fiancee, who has had extensive orthopedic surgeries related to his college football career, including a metal rod in his back and recently had a knee replacement, scrambled around picking them up.

    Basically, I was a hot, undignified mess. I also collapsed for seemingly no reason on the way home, twice, also resulting in gales of giggles. I remember so little that I had forgotten the bizarre toast by my semi-estranged father until my darling husband brought it up tonight.

    I remember a couple sublime moments, including staring into my husbands’ eyes while we said vows, feeling the love of the people around me and around my husband, but I also felt that in my more lucid moments, I had a lot of responsibility to be a hostess and spend time with people, be liked by his friends, make my friends and family feel that the trip was worth it, so I flitted around, even though I am not an extrovert by nature. It was exhausting. It’s the sublime moments I cling to.

    So there, I’ve said it. I didn’t hate my wedding, but I didn’t love it. And if I had to do over again, I would have eloped.

    • anon

      Your story made me laugh ;-)

      I also have an anxiety-ridden wedding story to tell…..but will tell it another time. I am glad I am not alone! Thanks for sharing.

  • Elaine

    A major “yes” to special trip idea! While I didn’t hate my wedding, I didn’t love it, either. Our photos ended up pretty disappointing, the minister screwed up our ceremony, and my two best friends, who cannot stand each other, decided they couldn’t play nice for one day, which spiraled into all sorts of drama. For the first year of our marriage, I harbored a lot of anger about the imperfections of the day (such as the lack of even one family photo where everyone’s eyes were open), not to mention the way my closest friends behaved.

    For our first anniversary earlier this spring, we (o.k., I!) decided we’d start a tradition. I knew a couple who took turns planning a surprise trip each anniversary. We were too broke just having purchased our first home together to plan a trip, but I planned a day of local surprises for my husband: some of our favorite activities, and things that held meaning to different phases in our relationship. If I do say so myself, it was an awesome day. It gave us the opportunity to reflect on old memories, most of which had nothing to do with the wedding, and work on building new ones. I felt like it allowed us to reclaim our wedding day, if you will, with completely positive memories. I hadn’t planned the day with the intention of healing my wedding disappointment, but it was seriously therapeutic.

  • tenya

    I had to go back and read this, I’m two weeks post-wedding and because it was really the second half of the reception where the words “disaster” were running through my head and we had people telling us what we were doing wrong, everyone told me how everyone was stressed out (thanks?), didn’t like this or that, had a moment where my maid of honor nearly cried because after getting roped into serving food for an hour people had stolen her chair and place setting (yup, from the wedding party table up on a dais), had an ipod highjacking and just the kind of ‘dance party’ we had wanted to avoid, people stressing themselves out over it and then telling me all about it and how they’ll never have that at their wedding or do THAT again (and still are) – we ended up consummating on the wedding night not because we fell into bed wafting on a cloud of desire for each other, but because hours later I was still stressing and tearful and my new husband thought going down on me would cheer me up (it did, he’s so smart).
    Only sort of strange thing was that the things that may have been normally considered disastrous weren’t really – I didn’t care that the dress looked kind of odd, that when we joined hands for the ceremony my husband apologized to a hushed room for having sweaty hands, that certain things we wanted pictures of we didn’t get, blah blah – oh well.
    And at two weeks out all the little jibes are with me and setting me off, my mom complaining about the self-caterering she insisted on doing and had to be talked down from doing more multiple times, my mother-in-law complaining about a guest’s picture not having other in-laws enough, etc.
    As I explained to my husband and a coworker yesterday, part of my problem is that much as I am aware it had no legal binding, I kind of had this deal with the universe, right? I wasn’t going to fight with my mother, I wasn’t going to obsess over details, I was just going to do what felt right and not worry about it being traditional or expected, and like I kept telling my now-husband in the days leading up to the wedding: “it’ll all work out one way or another and it’ll be lovely.” well, it was very pretty, but if I could have done like friends of mine did at the their wedding and cut out half-way through the reception? Might have been floating away on that cloud instead of crying two weeks later when people say “it was so beautiful did you love it??”

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  • Amina Adamu

    Dear Down,

    I too felt disappointment on my wedding day. I really thought it was going to be the happiest day of my life.

    One strategy I have used to deal with the disappointment is remembering the days that were indeed the happiest for me. The first weekend I met were husband were the happiest days for me. I did not expect anything, the weather was rubbish but I remember being extremely happy as I knew he was the “one”.

    We have celebrated that as our “real” anniversary and intend to continue.

    Think of the happiest times you spent with your husband before you married and make that your anniversary.

  • Kayla

    My wedding weekend was not horrible, but it has been over 3 months and I still can’t get over how hurt I am by a few of my friends and family. My husband is amazing so that makes it better of course but that feeling in the pit of my stomach just won’t go away. I don’t understand how my so called family and friends could be so thoughtless. At my bridal shower one of my college friends wives got so drunk so pulled me down on the bar floor completely ruining my cocktail dress that I loved. One of my bridesmaids kept fighting with her husband who was coming to the wedding and kept making a scene. My other bridesmaid new husband pretty much took over my husbands best mans duty ( which was really rude his best friend had something else planned)and went to a strip club. ( my husband has only met this guy 2 times but sadly I was the one that was like include him to get to know each other better) he went into the private room whatever that means and days latter kept emailing all my husbands friends for money the owed him from going to the strip club. Then I heard at the reception my bridesmaid who is married to this Jem told everyone “sorry my husband is a alcoholic” since he was so I’ll mannered at the dinner table making a scene. lovely and so classy! Then my dad wrote his speach on hotel paper which hurt my feelings that he didn’t have time or the desire to prepare before. My mom was all about my soon to be sister in law or her sister or cousins and really didn’t help me at all with my hair or just being present for me. My sisterinlaw had my brothers tux to be in our wedding it got lost on the flight. Luckily they found it but it was actually my dads tux(somehow my genius family mixed up there tuxes obviously we didn’t mean that much to them to require some extra thought to make sure everything was correct) my dad and brother almost missed there plane since there was a fire on the freeway, u see they came late the day of the rehearsal because there work couldn’t survive for the whole 3 days that everyone else was there for since they are business owners! (they think they work harder than anyone)But yet my husband had cousins. Coming from Poland not the hour flight they were on. My hair totally did not hold the curl the hair person did. I wish my mom would have card more and let me know my hair was flat in the back of my hair after the first round of pictures. Then the best part was everyone was at brunch ( we had a small wedding) and my family was too tired from there life to come and eat breakfast with everyone who was up and traveled anywhere from 3 to 21 hours to get to our wedding! I can’t get passed my friends and families lack Of support. I don’t even want to talk to any of them now. I feel so let down by people.. It’s sad you just cant make people be non me focused for someone else’s wedding. On a side note my best friend and matron of honor is the best! And so is my hubbie but where do I go from here? Confront them or just let it go and don’t try so hard for their important occassions? Why can’t people just be nice and connsiderate?

  • Chloe

    My wedding was more than a month ago. Everyone told me I had a beautiful wedding and that was the best they ever been to, however, it didn’t help me to forget all the regrets/disappointments I have.
    1) Over 80% of guests are from out of town and overseas. I felt so bad that I didn’t get to spend enough time with everyone with them. I didn’t even get to take a picture with most of them. I felt very guilty – they flew all the way over just to attend my wedding and I only get to spent a minute or two with them? And, not even a picture?
    2) I didn’t get to take pictures with my sis or my brother or my cousin alone because they were running around for me – we forgot the wine, the flutes, the pictures etc and they had to run home and get them all to the reception for us. Why and how could it happened? We planned it for a year and we should not have miss the details.
    3) We took our time for the dinner which instead we could’ve walked around took pictures and talked to people during dinner – we didn’t.
    4) I invited a group of people which I shouldn’t have invited and I wasted my time with them which I could’ve spent to the people who truly care and happy for me.
    5) I was pulled to stay in a room before I walked down the aisle. I should’ve had my parents with me at that time and it would be a very special moment for all of us. No, I didn’t, I was by myself.

    The list can go on and on. I was very depressed after my wedding and I even ruined my honeymoon. I was upset and dwelling on the negatives almost the entire trip. I felt I didn’t do a lot of things on my wedding day. I felt rush. I felt I didn’t enjoy it even though deep down I know I enjoyed it. I enjoyed my wedding but all the positives and good memories are gone – they are all covered by the negatives. It takes a lot of energy to dig them out again. I’ve been searching online for wedding days regrets and how to get over it. Thanks to all the posts here. I’m relieved to know there are a group of brides out there also have regrets/disappointment on their wedding days – I’m not alone. These posts def helps me to dig out the positive/good memories and so that I don’t forget them, I write them down each time. I really like “everything doesn’t happen for a reason”. Maybe there is a reason for whatever I didn’t get to do. I put this down on my phone and I bring it out every time when I’m about to lose the fight. I’m still fighting and I know I’ll win very soon. One day, I’ll look back and smile/laugh at those regrets as they are just so tiny. The most important thing is I married to the man I love and we started a new family.

    • Sarah

      So comforting to find people with horrible wedding day memories!

  • Christine

    My wedding day was one of the most stressful days of my life and it turned out to be just another day meant to please others and keep them entertained. I was responsible for EVERYTHING and till the last minute-literally-i had to deal with things like carrying boxes of wine to the restaurant where the dinner would take place and try to explain to the useless staff how people should be seated. My parents and family acted as simple guests to the whole thing. My mum had her make up done by a professional, whereas I had my little cousin doing mine the very last moment. My husband and his few family members got away without any responsibilities, as they are foreigners and they could not help anyway. As much as I tried to involve my family nobody really wanted to be too bothered about it. A few minutes before I left the house I got angry calls from my dad complaining that the door of the venue where the wedding would take place was locked, and was I sure that the venue was right? You get the picture. After the ceremony i had to run on heels to the nearby restaurant where the dinner would take place and welcome guests and show them to their seats, as the restaurants’ useless staff refused to do so and apparently nobody from my family offered to help, as my mother urged me to “do something, the guests are standing!” On top of that the dress looked wrong and the hairstyle(done at the very last minute) was old and unflattering. The professional photographer (my husband’s friend) took awful pictures focusing mainly on my husband’s good angles and neglecting totally how I looked. When I saw the pictures I thought they represented exactly that awful day and the consequences of being such a hopeless people pleaser like me. It goes without saying that everybody else had a great time. Looking back on that day months later and having other things on my mind, I am still angry at my family and how little flexibility and sensitivity they showed on that special day, as well as how little they helped me prepare. If I could turn back time I would do the whole thing again just me and my husband and I would try to make it about our relationship. Or If I had to do it with all this circus around me another time I would just get drunk beforehand and not give a **** about anyone! For some reason that day accurately reflected all our family’s issues and ego-centric insensitive attitudes.

    • Sarah

      I am so sorry this happened to you. Wish I could get in touch with you :(

  • Jovena

    My husband and I excitedly planned for our garden wedding and reception at the hotel restaurant for six months before the big day. We were thrilled at the thoughts of us enjoying every part of the ceremony and reception, and how our guests would have a good time as well.

    During the week before the wedding, and on the wedding day, I was upset about how people who offered help showed little care about the preparation and seemed to preoccupy themselves with other things. My husband and I went on with the preparations anyway.

    On the wedding day, stressors came from here and there that I just tried to relax and calm myself so no one could notice the look on my face.

    Before the ceremony the thunders started to growl and I marched with rainshowers falling over me, and the whole entourage and guests as well! Some say “showers of blessing” but as my husband puts it, “the worst to happen in a garden wedding!”

    Many details did not went well up to the reception. Although I would want to be thankful to the people who helped in the tiny-bitsy details, I can’t seem to forget how they performed “inadequately”. I wonder what could have happened if we hired all those helps instead. I keep thinking about what could have done better, should we have known that this or that would go wrong, and so on. It’s a tiresome thing to go back to that event, which was supposedly my perfect wedding and happiest day of my life.

    I’m just happy that my husband and I are married now, and that we can venture into other things like having goals together and starting a family.

  • HM

    Reading all these posts have helped me in my struggle to recover from my hurts. My husband is fantastic but I need to stop being upset because it is upsetting him. To our guests the day went well, my Mum and I work to exhaustion to make sure the reception went well. My Dad let me down on the few jobs I asked of him. He acted like it was all sorted, but it wasn’t and I was over an hour late to my ceremony. I felt so guilty for being late when I was rushing around getting things ready for others enjoyment. For me it was about the ceremony and the reception was for the guests. But my hurts come from the ceremony not being done properly, being rushed and several mistakes that I had wanted as memories, sadly the vicar was my Dad. He even rushed me up the aisle before my Mum was in the church (and it was the one thing she was looking forward to as it was the same aisle she walked up 41 yrs before), she then nearly fainted with exhaustion in the church. I dream of how it would have been if I had the morning to get ready calmly and spend time with mum, as was the plan, instead of running around for others up till the last second and causing the whole day to be rushed. I would do anything to re-do the day so I could enjoy it. I have cried a lot but I know I need to move on. I haven’t told my Dad my feelings – he never thinks he’s done anything wrong. He was so stressy at the rehearsal and on the day that we couldn’t get through to him to take a breath and slow down because it wasn’t his day. He even wrote the speech at 1 am the night before when I had asked for this to be done months before the day so it could be thought through, instead it included some very embarrassing bits. I would recommend to anyone planning a wedding to make sure things are done in advance and get evidence that they are done. I didn’t ask anyone else to do much, my Mum and I did practically everything, but the few bits that I though were being done by someone else caused my whole wedding day to change. I just remember feeling exhausted the whole day and I feel that if I had just done everything myself it would have worked out. I would love to do it again and I wonder if I would be thought of strangley if I repeated it for an anniversary. I definitely think you should re-do yours ANNIE, I feel sad to think how you must have felt on your day. Re-do it your way.

  • Pollyanna

    I was so happy to find this post! My wedding was 2 years ago and I still have moments when I get upset thinking about the things I didn’t do, what I didn’t like or the things that went wrong. Facebook updates and pins on Pinterest don’t help either and I often get emotional when I see wedding pictures online of “perfect” weddings because I feel mine fell short of that. I guess my sadness comes from the fact that, although I loved my dress when I bought it and on the day I felt amazing but looking at my wedding pictures I don’t think I look particularly beautiful. I also loved my hair trial but again looking at the pictures, it didn’t look the way I expected. The ceremony was incredibly beautiful and touching and it’s what I try to focus on when I think back. That and my wonderful husband of course! Unfortunately after the ceremony we discovered that there was a blackout at the reception hall which meant no music and a luke warm dinner! The venue eventually got a generator so the music came on eventually – luckily it was open bar – but there were no lights so there were hundreds of candles everywhere which was pretty but I didn’t get as many of the pictures I wanted due to the low light. I also feel terrible that I was so focused on the darkness that I forgot to thank my parents in my speech and both sets of parents were so upset about the lack of electricity which really affected their evenings too.

    I have been trying so much not to get upset when I’m reminded of weddings and of course since ours, we’ve been invited to 5! I’m obviously happy for our friends and family who are getting married but I always have a heavy heart when we go to one. My cousin got married recently and all I could think about was how I didn’t have menu cards on our tables but she did. It’s like I’m haunted by my own wedding and what I perceive to be big mistakes that I made. Like, if only I tried on more dresses or asked my stylist to change my hair or chose a different photographer. I cried so much when I first saw our pictures because I just hated what I looked like and couldn’t stop focusing on the pictures that were missing, like those of close friends and family. I try hard to focus only on the positive aspects of the wedding now and finding posts and other brides who’ve had similar experiences definitely helps! I found this link too which might help others: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Stop-Regretting-Decisions-Martha-Becks-Plan-to-Let-Go/1

    I think I feel the way I do because I feel like I’ve fallen short of what I perceive to be perfect and that I’ve disappointed myself. I also think it’s probably because I compare my wedding to everyone else’s. But the most important thing is that I married the love of my life and my best friend and we have such a wonderful marriage which is all that should matter – not what you looked like, not what your family did or didn’t do and not even that your reception was in the dark! I often think to myself “An imperfect wedding makes for an perfect marriage!” because that’s definitely been the case with me. It’s a good thing to think when you’re down about your wedding. Here’s to focusing on the positives from now on :)

  • Sadbride

    I’m ashamed that I’ve found this thread. But I am really struggling and writing this in tears. Its almost 7 months on from our wedding and im still heartbroken about it. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years and one of my “coping mechanisms” is procrastination. Also we were short of money as I couldnt work – but i got a great job a couple of months before the wedding and we managed to spend (in the end) an exorbitant amount of money on our big day. I just wanted to be a princess. I found dress shopping horrific. Hated it – mainly because I hate myself. But I managed to find a lovely strapless princess dress. With big boobs, I decided I wanted straps. So I went to this extremely highly recommended seamstress to get them made. I took the dress to her 3 MONTHS before. It needed taken in and new straps made. I lived 60 miles (120 mile round trip) from her. I dragged myself and all x3 of my BM’s and MOB to her at least 10 times before the wedding. Long story short, she STILL hadnt made my straps 3 days before the wedding. I kept thinking “everything will be fine…. dont panic”… my sisters didnt think the same and “had words with her”…. Our wedding was the Sat, and she told us it would be fully complete and ready to collect at 9am sharp on the Fri morning. She said I wouldnt even need to try it on. Just collect it finished. Now, bear in mind, I sent her several options of strap ideas I liked and had yet to see anything resembling a strap.

    I was up from 5am frantically packing everything I needed for the wedding so that I could leave at 7.30am to be there for 9am. She didnt turn up til 9.30am. My sis insisted that I try it on, so I did. There were huge diamantes missing that I had pointed out on several occasions before and beading had gone awry where she had taken it in. And I was very disappointed with the style of straps. One sat on my shoulder and the other fell down. She didn’t even want me to try this on and just to take it home. Thank goodness I did.

    I always boasted about being a chilled out bride. I watched in the mirror as I started coming out in red blotches all over my chest and face and I took an anxiety attack trying to pull this dress off me. My sister stripped me out of the dress and sent me to the car. She went beserk at her. So I ended up having to sit in the car in tears with no dress 24 hours before my wedding.

    I went home and had to start into making the orders of service. 100 of them. Thankfully I had help from my sister and her now fiance. They were great. Then a relative who I dont speak to really, and who’s nose was out of joint that I didnt invite, turned up at the house (first time in 18 years) and sat there for 2 hours – while I was freaking out. She refused to leave in badness.

    I got a text at 4.30pm to say my dress was ready. I couldn’t even look at it. I didn’t want to wear it any more. My gay bf realised how upset I was, and said lets go buy you a new dress. Being a man – he had no comprehension of what was involved. But THAT’s how bad it was. I was inconsolable. So I sent my sisters and mum to collect it. They brought it home. Hung it up and I looked at it. I refused to even put it on me.

    I then had to drive to the venue at 9pm to set up for the next day – ALONE. I had my spray tan and no make up on and of COURSE I bumped into my OH’s relatives (i had never met before) looking like a complete beast. TYPICAL.

    I got home at midnight.

    The wedding morning was fine, until other cousins who I again dont speak to and dont particularly like, showed up at the house. I flipped out and squealed at my MOH to get them to leave. BELIEVE me – they heard me. But they refused to leave. So they stood outside and waited on me coming out. This compounded my stress. I just wanted privacy. We were running late – REALLY LATE. My sister had difficulty doing up my dress at the back and as a result, i didnt look as slim as I could have. I specifically chose that style of dress as when it was done up correctly, I looked like I had a small waist. That didnt happen. We were so late.

    Arrived at the church, and was greeted by the same cousins (those who sat for 2 hours the day previously) shoving an ipad in my face and forcing their way into all my pix of me getting out of the car and literally shouting at me to “calm down”…. I was FUMING…. they were wearing track bottoms and a dirty old t-shirt too to top it all off….

    So i felt very flustered on my way to the church. Got to the door and everyone had already gone in and it was my turn, and i said STOP to my dad. I needed a moment. I couldn’t take it all in. I didn’t have a moment to catch up with where I was and what was about to happen. It was like being on a rollercoaster and not being able to get off… But my dad just shoved me along lol So next thing I know – Im married and thats it.

    We went and got only a few pics at the church. Not at all what I had planned in my head. Its a beautiful building but I only have a couple outside it. Then on to the gardens of a castle for pix.

    It was good. No real complaints here.

    Venue – arrived and had a look around – table cloths had black perm marker on them, and our cake was A DISASTER. I asked for bespoke additions and while I had a text earlier that day from her saying it was all set up and looked gorgeous, it ended up being a mess. Our colour theme was purples. There were YELLOW cupcakes. We paid a LOT of money and never seen the cake before the big day. I trusted her to deliver something with the wow factor. We were sorely disappointed. It was meant to be a surprise for the hubby but it was a mess. I texted her the following day and she said “O i forgot the extra bits, and I didnt have time to come back”…. huh…

    The centrepieces – we paid extra to have a certain arrangement. She didn’t deliver that. They looked out of place and bland. We spent x3 months looking for unusual centrepieces. Waste of time and money then. …

    1st dance – fine. Went to get my dress pinned up at the back so I could dance. My sis and mum went up to the room. I stood there for an hour but my sis was a bit tipsy at this point and couldn’t figure it out. As a result – I missed our entire band….

    Then at the end of the night – the hubby got very emotional and I started to get really angry – so we had a huge row.

    I didn’t have anything to wash my face with, no toothbrush, no clean underwear as I was so rushed getting down to dressmakers on Fri morning and then packing on Sat morning. Horrific.

    We got home on Sun and I found to my utter disgust that the cousin who turned up uninvited with the ipad had put the most horrific pix of me up on FB. I was fuming. I wanted to put MY pix up. Of course there were 300 likes on them so everyone got to see what I looked like before I even arrived into the church….

    Sorry for ranting on…. but I need to get this out. Im SO sad and disappointed and angry about paying people, trusting people, and not getting a “perfect day”. When I think about our wedding, I do not have happy memories. It makes me so unhappy. I pretend to most people that it was fab, but thats not the case.

    How can I move on from this. I can’t just “let it go”… the anger is eating me up. Also, my sister just got engaged and I feel resentment towards her as I know her day will be perfect as she is so organised. I am holding all this in and I feel like im going to explode.

    Please…. someone help me. Im so upset. I’m intelligent. I know its stupid to feel like this but I can’t let it go.

    Sorry for rambling on and thank you for listening/reading xx