{Protection bracelet, in Greece}
Back when I finally made the decision to start this journey, which seems simultaneously lifetimes and moments ago, I wrote in my journal, “A baby could be the next big adventure, not the end of adventures.” I also quoted Caitlin Moran in one of those journals, saying, “In the twenty-first century, it can’t be about who we might make, and what they might do, any more. It has to be about who we are and what we’re going to do.”
And now, after a bit of a winding, emotionally complex road, I’m almost exactly twenty weeks pregnant. Halfway.
{Protection bracelet, 19.5 weeks pregnant}
And it still matters a hell of a lot to me what I’m going to make and I’m going to do.
First, as you can probably guess from the timing of this announcement, writing about conception was never going to happen, and I’m not going to be writing extensively about pregnancy. In fact, I haven’t talked extensively with almost anyone about pregnancy. Pregnancy has felt like something personal to me, something temporary, and not something I want to make part of my identity. Which is funny, because the number one work related question out of people’s mouths is, “Is A Practical Baby next?” And perhaps sadly, it’s not. There are a ton of reasons why, but most clearly, I know that I want to give this tiny, brand-new person a chance to grow up mostly offline, just like I did. But it’s more than that.
As a blogger, there seems to be an expectation that once you get pregnant, you become a mommy blogger (troubling term notwithstanding). That, much of what you have to write about is going to have to do with pregnancy and parenting. But the trick is, unlike what the whole culture told me to expect, I still feel like exactly the same person now as I did before. The same person, with roughly the same interests. Turns out I’m not very interested in researching items to be purchased for the baby. (I hate researching items to be purchased.) Turns out I am very interested in decorating the baby’s future room (I love decorating rooms), and buying toys (I love toys). But mostly, I’m interested in things like vintage heels, food, excellent TV shows, making jokes with my husband, and my work. In fact, I’m really, really, interested in my work. Turns out, all that cultural messaging I got about how everything would change and all my opinions would all shift after I got pregnant was wrong. I’m still just me (now more easily trapped by the couch).
But I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you. I had expected my whole life that I would be someone who loved being pregnant. I admired pregnant women, and it seemed so magical. But it turns out, on most days, I don’t like being pregnant very much at all. Pregnancy has been hard for me. I don’t like to dwell on it, because let’s face it, physically, pregnancy is hard for almost everyone. But for me, pregnancy has also been emotionally difficult, and physically alien. And it turns out this isn’t even rare; it’s just a closely guarded secret.
For a long while, I was eaten up with guilt. I have so many friends who deeply want to be pregnant (or, perhaps more properly, would like to have babies), and now, I’m the one that is. So shouldn’t I pretend to love it, out of simple gratitude? But the interesting thing has been that my friends struggling with fertility have been the ones who have most readily accepted me, wherever I am on any given day. They know more than anyone that this whole process is difficult and fraught with societal expectations of how we should feel. They know that societal expectations will screw you, every time. They tell me to just show up and be me, and if I don’t like pregnancy most days, so be it.
And as I’ve started being more honest about it, I’ve had numerous conversations with women who said, “Are you just so happy? Are you loving it?” And I said, “No. Sadly, not really.” And then they whispered, “Me neither. I thought the whole thing was totally weird. I just thought I wasn’t supposed to say that to you.” Solidarity fist bump ladies. Being a woman is complicated.
So here I am, at twenty weeks. What I can tell you about my pregnancy is that it’s been an adventure. It’s been a Team Slow and Unsteady adventure and an adventure into my own internal geography. But it’s also continued to be an outside adventure (at least when I’m awake and not napping). Here is me at fifteen weeks:
What you can’t see is that I’m standing on the arm of an unsteady couch, at an APW Hair & Makeup shoot, trying to get the shot (I did), and that several people around me are looking slightly freaked out. That’s the best sum up of my pregnancy so far. Me, out there, doing my normal thing, terrifying onlookers.
And thus it will continue. Onwards to November. Onwards.
*****
P.S. While I feel strange accepting congratulations on something so far outside of my control, and something I have such complicated feelings about, I will absolutely accept solidarity fist bumps from all the ladies, wherever you are on your journeys. Being a woman is complicated, and I hope that we can all share that complication together.
Photos: First photo by me from my personal collection, second two by Emily Takes Photos
This post includes Sponsors, who are a key part of supporting APW. For more information, see our Directory page for Emily Takes Photos.
Huge solidarity fist bumps to you! You are beautiful and wise, just like all the best mamas xx
June 27, 2012 4:36 am
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Wowsers. Congrats Meg! And I hated being pregnant too. Hated it.
June 27, 2012 4:39 am
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SOLIDARITY FIST BUMP!
June 27, 2012 4:40 am
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Sniff. I love you. You are doing just excellently. And I’ll take your 15 weeks pregnant on the arm of a sofa and raise you a church pew at 25 weeks pregnant with twins. Eyebrows were raised at THAT wedding. x
June 27, 2012 4:43 am
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Did you know that we are almost the EXACT same amount of pregnant? Solidarity fist bump indeed.
June 27, 2012 5:00 am
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I did know, actually :) SURPRISE!!!!
June 27, 2012 10:10 am
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I’m excited about it & excited for you & actually just really freaking happy for myself that I’ll get your occasional insights into being a new mom while I’m learning how to be a mom too. I shall devour them greedily every time they appear.
June 27, 2012 1:30 pm
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Hey, me too!! I’m 20 weeks exactly tomorrow. Yay for third-week-of-November babies!!! Major fist bumps to Meg, and if anyone knows of some sane places to get some baby/child-rearing advice (outside of the Off-Beat Mama suggestions below), please make it known!
June 27, 2012 1:48 pm
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I did childcare for years, mostly with babies and toddlers ranging from 6 months to 2 years, and one of my favorite resources is a book called “How to Talk So Kids Can Listen and Listen So Kids Can Talk” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (I know, somewhat unwieldy title…). This book saved my sanity, and helped me to connect better with kids, minimize conflict, maximize cooperation, and ride out the tempests with grace. A lot of the tools (slightly modified) work great with adults too!
Also…just a reminder that while sometimes we want advice from the “experts”, listening to one’s inner voice can be great. As a parent (or other loving adult caring for kids) everyone–and I mean EVERYONE–will have tons of friendly-meaning “helpful” advice for how you should do your job. Take what’s useful, and don’t think twice about jettisoning everything that doesn’t work for you. Everyone’s different, and there’s no One Right Way to raise children. If you feed them, clothe them, love them (in non-manipulative ways), and show interest/care for them, chances are they’ll turn out great.
June 28, 2012 4:11 am
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Me three! (Four?) Well, I’m one week ahead of you ladies but I haven’t discounted the little one taking his or her own sweet time and becoming a 3rd weeker.
Fist bumps to all! So excited to have such awesome company!
June 28, 2012 7:23 am
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Yay for November babies! (We’re due 11/3/12) So happy for your baby family!
Meg, do you remember when I asked you at your Austin book tour if there were any plans for A Practical Baby because the existing stuff is kind of awful? Little did I know that we’d both start our new adventures later that month! Love the coincidence.
I know APW can’t become a parenting blog, but can we maybe have a section about “reclaiming motherhood” every now and then? There is almost ZERO sane advice about how to do this and stay yourself, and private, and whole.
And if you haven’t found it already, Aubrey Hirsch’s recent post, “On Pregnancy, Privacy, and Fear” is breathtaking:
http://therumpus.net/2012/05/on-pregnancy-and-privacy-and-fear/#author-bio
June 28, 2012 7:42 am
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Me six! Really good thoughts and fist pumps for all your November babies.
June 28, 2012 8:51 am
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Mazel tov! This brand-new person will be lucky to join your family. Stay strong & healthy.
Selfishly, please don’t a) stop-or-even-slow-down on APW, or b) entirely rule out APB (in fact, I think you should incorporate, trademark, and set up a skeleton website rightnow – even if brand-new person isn’t featured on it!). On a day we remember Nora Ephron, I couldn’t imagine losing your voice, too.
Rock on.
June 27, 2012 5:01 am
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Oh, GOD I’m not quitting. Trust me I own APB, and a bunch of other stuff (though I couldn’t trademark it, complex trademark law here), but I don’t intend to use it. While I’ll keep talking about my life, it turns out I don’t even read parenting blogs, so I’m not a candidate to write one.
June 27, 2012 8:02 am
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Meg, I appreciate your desire to NOT blog about your pregnancy and raising a small human. However, I second the motion by Sarah O. and think the world could definitely use a good dose of A Practical Baby (or A Practical Parent) with all of the helicopter parenting, attachment parenting, baby books, etc. out there, hearing what real parents are doing and how they are coping with the ups and downs of parenthood would be great for those of us looking to expand our baby families.
All the best to you and your husband as you grow your baby family. No wonder you guys wanted to move to a house with a yard!
June 27, 2012 8:31 am
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Oh, I want to say “congratulations” so bad!!!! Well, I’ll say huge fist bumps, and I am SO happy for you!!!!
I 1000 times agree with MDBETHANN about A Practical Parent! I completely respect (and agree with) your viewpoint about mommy blogging, but I think you have the potential to turn it into so much more. Just as you have done for Reclaiming Wife, I feel like the world needs your perspective on parenthood. I get that, in a sense, you are giving your perspective by continuing to focus on your pre-pregnancy passions rather than suddenly making every aspect of your life all about baby. To me, it echos the the wonderful Felicity Huffman quote we’ve talked about before about how she said it is sexist to assume that a woman’s children are her greatest life accomplishment. BUT, I feel like so many women need and want and would respond to discussions of motherhood that are outside the MIC box (motherhood industrial complex, anyone?). Your post here is exactly the kind of thing I’m talking about. If you ever decide to blog about parenthood, I imagine it would be a lot less about researching products to buy and a lot more about the emotional, spriritual, and political issues you are encountering on this new journey. So, please, don’t rule out blogging about these new stages in your life – you would obviously do it in your own way, and it would not necessarily have to be a “mommy blog” any more than APW is a wedding planning blog.
Also, just a side note, but I suddenly feel incredibly lucky. Almost all of my girlfriends have had babies, and they never for one second sugar coated any of it. We have always talked openly about how weird, alien, and just plain miserable pregnancy can be. I was a bit surprised, honestly, reading this post that other women aren’t talking about it. I am having drinks tonight with my girls, and I will definitely be toasting to them for being so honest and candid about relationships, pregnancy, and motherhood.
June 27, 2012 8:55 am
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Agreed! Someone should do A Practical Baby because that is another area that is so full of lies and pushes to spend money you don’t have to and society pressure. Makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
June 27, 2012 10:55 am
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Being someone who doesn’t read parenting blogs might make you the perfect candidate for facilitating a forum for open discussions on different parenting techniques (like Mdbethann noted), and also discussing balancing the new life of a parent, the old life of an individual and couple, and work. It doesn’t have to be a sea of cute baby pictures, shopping for the newest and most safe crib, and poop discussions (although they may be useful too), but ones like you just started here (disliking pregnancy, struggling with the choice to work or not, how a baby will change a mothers life…or not, the way society treats a pregnant woman or mother vs how it treats just a woman, feminism & being a mom). It could be focused on being a parent and the adventure that is, not necessarily babies. You know, the kind of blog that someone who’s still on the fence about the idea of having kids might get a little insight and knowledge from as well–without being overwhelmed (and if I’m being honest, annoyed) by people with baby brain (’cause I could use that).
Not saying you “have to” or you “should”, because I applaude your desire to raise your kid offline (like I was), but if anyone could do it, it would be Team Practical.
June 27, 2012 11:55 am
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I wouldn’t rule anything out yet though, I didn’t read any parenting blogs while pregnant, and I still don’t read many, but it could be that after the baby is actually here and so much more real, that it becomes something that need to be read about and written about. Of course, it might not, but in my (personal, solitary, everyone’s different and all that) experience, being pregnant and having a real laughing crying sleeping eating baby are two totally different worlds, and there is no way to predict what one will need or want or feel in advance.
June 27, 2012 8:53 am
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Well, look. Getting pregnant and having a baby might have prompted me to start a blog. But the blog I run now is actually very huge and very public. So I am very clear that we are not ok with putting a tiny brand new person out there in a big way for the very wide world to see and comment on. That person isn’t my person, they are their own person, and while I’m sure I’ll talk about parenthood and my life now and again, I’m not going to share their story on such a huge platform, before they are old enough to make their own choices on that. Parenthood may change things, but my basic value system is going to stay more or less intact. I’ll find ways to write, but that privacy is very important to both of us.
June 27, 2012 10:22 am
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Absolutely! Well said! In the day and age of blogging and facebook, I think it is important to try and retain privacy in our lives! Also, big congratulations and fist bumps all around!!
June 27, 2012 10:52 am
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I completely agree with your approach
June 27, 2012 11:15 am
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I can understand that “A Practical Baby” isn’t your thing … but I’m holding onto a glimmer of hope that we might one day get to have some insight into how impending parenthood affects APW and how you run the business.
June 27, 2012 9:23 am
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Perhaps you can talk Alyssa into running APB/APP? Or some other fabulous parent you know and trust?
June 27, 2012 1:28 pm
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Meg, APW is just such an amazing brand. When I see the posts/debates in the comments on other blogs, particularly women’s blogs, I just think, “Gosh, this would never happen at APW.” So while I respect (and get!) your desire not to write APB, I personally hope that one day there is A Practical Media Empire with you steering, and a whole bunch of talented writers and editors making all the branches happen. I really feel like you’ve created something so incredible and special with this website, and I’d love to see it expand because frankly, I don’t know how I’m gonna get through pregnancy and parenthood without this community.
June 27, 2012 2:30 pm
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Hey-
Trust me, we’re working on it and then some, though APW is growing so fast right now that expanding beyond it is not something we can take on right this second. But, we’re working on all of it, trust me.
June 27, 2012 3:42 pm
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PS Meg, I hope my comment didn’t come off as demanding you add more to a plate that is likely more full than I can even imagine. I think everyone is just excited by this conversation because we love APW so much. But I can be the first to acknowledge that APME is a totally selfish desire and I know that whatever your vision for APW is, it will be awesome when it plays out, whether now or in a decade.
June 27, 2012 3:59 pm
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Congratulations!
June 27, 2012 5:05 am
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Aw fantastic – Solidarity fist bump! Thats lovely news :-) xox
June 27, 2012 5:05 am
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Solidarity fist bump it is, then! Being a woman is awesome. And tough as shit. Much like getting married. But you made it possible for a lot of people to admit those truths and talk about them. You just keep on being awesome, Meg, and your daughter or son will be a lucky kiddo!
June 27, 2012 5:06 am
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Will you accept congratulations on a post well written instead? Thanks for articulating something that’s been nagging at me for a long time – not just how I will/may feel when/if pregnant, but how I will feel about how I feel.
June 27, 2012 5:13 am
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I will accept congratulations on the post. That was totally in my control and I worked on it for a week (plus weeks of worry). Thank you.
June 27, 2012 8:03 am
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Yes! I am bookmarking this page for however many years down the line we start a family. I want motherhood, but I am not looking for a transformative experience. And pregnancy just sounds like 10 months of discomfort on a varying scale followed by several more months of other kinds of discomfort. Props for telling it like it is as usual, Meg.
June 27, 2012 8:30 am
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I agree with Amy!
I have several friends who are stuggling to become mothers, and they have all said that a woman who is pregnant should NEVER complain / mention that they dont like being pregnant, because there is always a woman associated with her who would love to be in her shoes.
I think thats unfair. Pregnancy is not a soft option. Its hard work, and some women have an incredibly tough time of it. Some want the baby dreadfully, but just hate being pregnant, and now we are being told we cant admit that we dont like being pregnant? Not fair or cool.
Meg, I’m thrilled for your news, and I am glad to hear you admit that sometimes you dont like being pregnant. It will make life easier for the rest of us one day (perhaps).
And I just cant wait to see where else APW goes over the next year or so, heres to the continued development of APME – with or without a practical parenting page. Anyway, parenting stuff *could* be included every now and then in Reclaiming Wife. Because RW is not only about being a wife and not a mother – its about making being a wife what you want it to be. (or at least, thats my take)
July 2, 2012 2:43 pm
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I think I love working with pregnant women for the same reason you love your work— getting to be around women in the liminal moments is the best, as it means being around women bravely re-figuring and/or re-confirming their sense of self.
fist bump. and healthy thoughts. and happy adventuring.
June 27, 2012 5:13 am
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Pregnancy terrified me, plus I was pregnant with twins, 14000 kms from my family and had just arrived to a new country. I didn’t enjoy it either, firstly because it is phisically uncomfortable but mostly because I felt inadequate. I was deeply scared that I was not going to be able to “measure up”, to be a good mother for my children. And I felt I was disappearing: that me, the woman I had always known as me, the one I had somehow become with much effort was fading away at least from the perspective of others. It took a good two years after the babies were born to integrate the woman I had been and the mother I had become, and it wasn’t easy. There’s a book from an Argentinian author that is called “motherhood and meeting our own shadows” that speaks about the complex emotions that come with babies.
Anyhow, congratulations! May baby practical continue to grow full of health and may his life be full of love, joy, prosperity and laughter.
June 27, 2012 5:22 am
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Marcela,
Can you post the name of that author? That sounds like an interesting book!
Thanks!
Anna
June 27, 2012 8:43 am
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Laura Gutman http://www.amazon.com/Maternity-coming-face-our-shadow/dp/0615247555
Beware, though, that she is REALLY pro attachment parenting, even advocating co-sleeping until the age of five. That being said, the book is interesting. Here’s her website http://www.lauragutman.com.ar/version_english/home.html
June 27, 2012 9:21 am
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Solidarity fist bump! It’s nice to have the reminder that it’s ok if your feelings don’t match cultural expectations. Also, I’ve always enjoyed your reflection posts and hope they’ll still continue.
June 27, 2012 5:25 am
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It always be a journey, that much I understand. At times with joy and times with terror. There are the happy times, the bored times, the what the hell were we thinking times. It is always moving. There isn’t a perfect way of doing it. There is a lot of advice, some of it good and some so terribly bad that it’s good. The sleep deprivation is real and powerful but it does sort of end and definitely gets better.
Watching a person become herself (in my case) is a damn amazing thing. Watching my partner become a dad has taken my breath away. Life will change because it just does. I am so happy for you, Meg and David.
June 27, 2012 5:30 am
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Solidarity fist bump, Meg! Thanks for keeping it real for us!
June 27, 2012 5:31 am
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I have had many LONG conversations with friends about what is normal in pregnancy and after…about bonding or not and everything else. Sometimes, I think I’m the only voice of reason…maybe it comes from never having had a baby, only caring for kids for over 20 years…or maybe I’m just that rational. I hope this baby brings happiness and adventure into your household, and you can feel however you want about the pregnancy and everything after!
June 27, 2012 5:33 am
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Congratulations, Meg. I wonder, is it too much to ask for a post on how you and David made the decision on whether to have children? (I nearly said ‘start a family’ then, but I checked myself!).
I know this is something that a lot of women (myself included) struggle with. I would love children, but I can’t reconcile that with my struggles about over-population and the consumption of resources. ‘I want them’ just doesn’t seem reason enough to me… (not for other people. I am so happy for people who know their own mind! It just doesn’t seem reason enough for -me- to have them).
Of course, I totally understand if you don’t want to share your reasoning, and of course there are no right or wrong reasons (except the right ones for each of us as individuals).
If anyone did want to share with an anonymous wedding graduates or wedding graduate returns post on the subject, however, I would dearly love to read it.
Keep up the good work, and, you know, nap lots.
June 27, 2012 5:35 am
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What about adoption?
June 27, 2012 6:30 am
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Yes, or fostering children. I definitely want some of my own (maybe just 2 — keep the population even when I die) but have been thinking a lot about the children in America who don’t have a family.
June 27, 2012 6:49 am
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Oh, no. I can’t imagine I’ll ever write about that in detail. Some things are not for the world. But we do totally run posts on that now and then, and that will continue.
June 27, 2012 8:07 am
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don’t worry Meg– we didn’t mean adoption or foster care as subjects for you but as ideas for My Honest Answer
June 27, 2012 8:46 am
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I’m aware. I’m responding to My Honest Answer’s request that I write about deciding to become parents.
June 27, 2012 10:24 am
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I’m sure there is someone else out there who could write that post.
In fact, if we ever make that decision for ourselves, I’ll volunteer it as a Reclaiming Wife post. :)
July 2, 2012 2:45 pm
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Enjoy your new adventure!
I’d love to see more posts about women deciding about kids (maybe not ABOUT kids, or being pregnant, or whatever) but there are so many cultural expectations about when, how and how many kids to have. In my demanding career path, most people are expected to have 0-1 kids, and if you have a kid, before tenure track. Meanwhile my family hope we have many kids and my church culture says marriage without kids isn’t really marriage at all. I’d love to hear from women about their choices, why they made them and what they say to all the naysayers (both the kinds who ask why you’re not pregnant yet and the kind who ask why on earth you’re having a second child).
June 27, 2012 5:37 am
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We run these posts when we get them, and we’ll continue to :)
June 27, 2012 8:08 am
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You don’t have to tell them anything. Q: “Why aren’t you … ” A: “Because I’m not.” (Or on the having more kids question, because I am.) The more firm you are with your choice, the less they will think they need to talk you into something. Let them know the contents or non-contents of your lady-areas, is NOT up for discussion.
I don’t get asked, but I’d probably also tell the truth, if they aren’t rude or pushy about it. I never got the have-to-have-kids feeling. I figured I would, I figured it would just happen, but it didn’t & I’m not into trying to make it happen. I’ll be disappointed if I never see Rome, but never have kids, meh, shrug.
It’s nice that other people do. It’s nice when other people do it because they really! want to. Not because they have to. Or because that is what people do.
And . .. FIST BUMP MEG!
PS – edit – OK, not the whole truth. Because the real reasons are my own & wouldn’t be helpful to anyone. ;-)
June 27, 2012 8:09 am
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thank you for still being the exact same person, and in doing so giving all of us permission to keep being the same people, and not a gender defined by their child-bearing and rearing activities.
and also: “For a long while, I was eaten up with guilt. I have so many friends who deeply want to be pregnant (or, perhaps more properly, would like to have babies), and now, I’m the one that is. So shouldn’t I pretend to love it, out of simple gratitude?”
could not have more perfectly stated my long term relationship/marriage guilt around my single friends. which is not to say that i’m not glad to be married, just that a relationship or marriage doesn’t magically create everlasting happiness the way some people expect it to, and i imagine pregnancy is quite similar.
here’s to your next great adventure! woot!
June 27, 2012 5:41 am
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Wonderful news, congratulations! So happy for you.
June 27, 2012 5:42 am
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JELLYFISH FIST BUMP.
(In which post-bump hands swim away like jellyfish and mouths say woouuuoooouuuooooooooo.)
June 27, 2012 5:50 am
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Don’t forget the fireworks fist bump.
(In which post-bump hands rise into the air and open, then do spirit fingers all the way down.)
June 27, 2012 7:02 pm
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Jellyfish fist bump is my favorite! it is even better when you offer a consolation hug immediately afterwords, and jellyfish away from the hug with your arms. same sound effect required of course.
(And a jellyfish fist bump followed by jellyfish hug to you , Meg)
June 27, 2012 9:51 pm
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While I respect your desire to have a private pregnancy and motherhood, Oh please, please consider opening up APW to more discussions about motherhood. I think APB would be a mistake, because it would be dominated by posts by mothers and not women who purposefully decide not to be mothers, but maybe “APB or not to B”? There is so much SHAMING going on (I call it woman-on-woman crime) about the decision whether or not to become a mother and I think the world at large would benefit from an open dialogue about the choice. Being a Purposeful Non-Mom myself, I feel like most mothers I talk to glorify the institution of motherhood so much and keep all the real knowledge bundled up and locked securely in the You’ll Find Out When You Get There lockbox. Share the wealth and let us Non-Moms make an educated decision! I’ve also been hurt by digs at my femininity for choosing a high-powered job and adventures with my fiance and world travels over choosing to have a baby (because, after all these years post Rosie the Riveter, work is still gendered male??!?). There is so much fodder here! Thanks for a glorious post and enjoy your journey.
June 27, 2012 5:57 am
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I’m sure I’ll find a way to touch on those things in a not too personal way, somehow or other, either on APW or some other project. Because I agree with you. And yeah, I still have a career, and we’re still planning to travel, so that particular bit of cultural noise can shove it :)
June 27, 2012 8:21 am
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Fist bump on the still planning to travel and have a life. As we were getting ready to marry, my DH and I had discussions about those sorts of things, and our honeymoon only confirmed that we LOVE to travel and we don’t want to put off seeing things like the pyramids, or Tuscany, or Paris or Ireland until the kids are grown and we’re older. We want to travel while we have the endurance and physical ability to enjoy it. Having kids doesn’t mean you stop having a life apart from them. We’ve promised each other to take not only family vacations with our kids, but “parents only” vacations around our anniversary each year. I used to spend a week each summer with my cousins at my grandmother’s house and LOVED it – why can’t my kids do the same thing???
June 27, 2012 8:58 am
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It is weird. Maybe it’s difficult with babies, but they don’t stay babies very long.
Why do people think traveling with kids is so exotic? Don’t people do family vacations anymore?
Me no understand.
June 27, 2012 10:11 am
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We travelled with babies, we now travel with children, and we wonder why there is no Disney Airlines. Why, oh why haven’t they created it yet?! I WANT DISNEY AIRLINES!
June 27, 2012 11:18 am
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Two trips to France and three to London (with twin babies) later and I can tell you it’s really not that big a deal. Seriously people, it’s just travel.
June 27, 2012 11:19 am
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My parents drove me all over New England (from Pennsylvania) when I was a toddler and after a few summers at Mid-Atlantic beaches when my sister was little, we took 2-week drives down to the Carolina beaches every summer for many years. It probably helped that my sister and I enjoyed car games and, as my mom pointed out, did not often ask “are we there yet” (unless we weren’t feeling well). We even did the Disney thing a few times.
I think if you drag a lot of “stuff” with you, traveling with small children becomes a pain. But if you pack intelligently with the things you *need* (i.e. favorite stuffed animals that they can’t sleep without), family vacations are doable. I’ll just drive them places until they can walk on their own – really don’t want to carry a kid through airport security and have them search my kid’s diaper. Ick.
I just think that we shouldn’t limit ourselves to only family vacations once we have kids. As Meg pointed out, you still have the same interests as before and you do have another relationship – with your spouse – that needs care and nurturing too. I think kid free time (date nights, vacation, etc) is a good idea because it gives you a chance to be just husband and wife for awhile, and a break from being mommy and daddy.
June 27, 2012 11:33 am
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So kind of unrelated, but my 3 yr old has more stamps in his passport than most American adults I know. Travelling (long distance flights) is easy with infants/babies until they learn to walk. Age 2 is the peak of airplane awfulness in my experience. As soon as the child can be distracted with electronics, flights get SO MUCH EASIER. And fair warning: newly-potty-trained toddlers want to Pee In All The Pottiezzzzz.
June 27, 2012 12:14 pm
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My parents waited to travel internationally as a family until my youngest brother was a preteen, figuring that it didn’t make sense to spend the cash until we were all able to appreciate it. That said, we traveled a lot domestically, often long road trips that involved stopping at battlefields and national parks, and we flew some places, too. I hope to travel a lot with my potential offspring. I so value the experiences I had with my family.
June 27, 2012 12:28 pm
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I first visited the pyramids when I was three years old. When I was six, I remember it being great, because as I excitedly raced through the narrow, short passageways, my dad followed behind me, sweating profusely and crawling on his hands and knees. There are a lot of things I think you can’t do with kids, but traveling isn’t one of them.
June 27, 2012 3:11 pm
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But there are also a lot of places in this world that aren’t kid friendly, like Venice, for example. Lovely city, but the museums and sights aren’t really geared towards kids and despite being a lovely place to walk, the bridges aren’t conducive to strollers. I *hope* my kids will enjoy museums and history as much as I did as a kid, and I plan to show them as much of the world as I can, but I also want to be able to go on adventures with just my DH too.
June 27, 2012 6:11 pm
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I would love SOME sort of reference for these types of things! I am currently in the APB or not to B category, and it’s driving me crazy. The only role models I have in my life are ones who chose to have kids. I really struggle to find people who purposely chose not to to discuss these issues with. Good for you for standing your ground Cameron!
June 27, 2012 9:06 am
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Try:
http://maybebabymaybenot.com/
It is full of discussions one couple is having about whether to have kids, what it would impact, how they think they could mitigate it etc. A very wise community of people on the fence :)
July 2, 2012 2:48 pm
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“APB or not to B” is the best blog name ever. If you ever decide to do a parenting blog, that must be its name.
Also, a post about traveling with kids would be amazing. I recently discovered a blog written by a woman who moved with her husband and 2 small boys to Paris for a year. They’ve been traveling all over Europe, and I find it fascinating because no one ever talks about that. Everyone says you have to sideline your life and desires for 18 years when you have kids, and I have a really hard time believing that to be true.
June 27, 2012 11:41 am
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Congratulations to you and David! and thank you for again being a honest voice that helps us to know that its ok to feel what we are really feeling, even when its counter to what society’s expectations are. There is so much power (and freedom) in just saying it and hearing it.
June 27, 2012 5:58 am
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Motherhood suits you well, you totally look dewy and lush in that second picture. Seriously though, thanks for keeping it real and speaking the truth. I have yet to to experience pregnancy myself, but have watched several friends struggle with their own feelings on their pregnancies. They are torn between being thankful at being able to get pregnant while so many other women struggle to get pregnant and totally not enjoying the “its like an alien is growing and moving inside of me” feeling.
Here’s to the future of APW and ALL your future endeavors and where ever this blog and life takes you!
June 27, 2012 6:05 am
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HA! Pregnancy has nothing to do with being dewey and lush. My vanity didn’t give you the best picture there ;) That’s a bit of makeup and a good photographer, I think. But YES to everything else.
June 27, 2012 8:23 am
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Double bump! Thank you for your constant honesty, its refreshing to check APW day after day and feel like there is a small corner of the world where intelligent, funny, and unapologetically feminist women can gather and just acknowledge the myriad complexities of being a woman. Your baby is already very lucky to have such a wise mother. So once again, thank you.
June 27, 2012 6:11 am
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Awww. Sniffle.
June 27, 2012 8:47 am
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Congratulations! The last part of your post is so universally applicable and powerful. I look forward to your future insights!
June 27, 2012 6:12 am
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Solidarity Fist Bump! and a WOOT WOOT (thrown in for good measure)!! Amen to the pregnancy thing feeling not so awesome…I felt like I was in a minefield, every step/comment/thought was tortured with ‘oh, should I feel this way, I’m about to be someone’s mama’ , ‘oh, should I ______, I’m about to be someone’s mama’…and then the body parts moving all around and generally doing things I wasn’t fond of. Well, yeah, I’m right there with you girl. Here to Here to keeping it honest and real, the way you always have.
June 27, 2012 6:12 am
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Mmmmhummmm. You and me, girlfriend. It’s. Fucking complicated.
June 27, 2012 8:48 am
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Fist bumps ahoy! And thank you, thank you, for sharing what you feel able to share, particularly since you have already articulated and eased one of my greatest fears, that I will cease to be ME – bolshy, ambitious, tricky, funny ME – when (if?) I am pregnant.
June 27, 2012 6:12 am
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No way!
June 27, 2012 8:48 am
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This was so… comforting for me to read. I’ve been contemplating pregnancy and parenting a crap ton lately. I have so! many! adventures! to! have! and don’t want to be defined just as a mother (though raising little people and incorporating them into said adventures does sound pretty cool).
This is how I definitely imagine my possible future pregnancy to be: “Me, out there, doing my normal thing, terrifying onlookers.”
Thank you for your voice, and your honesty. I am really excited for you guys. Here’s to more sharing of truths, and less cliched bullshit spew.
Onward.
June 27, 2012 6:14 am
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<3
June 27, 2012 8:49 am
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Exactly a hundred million times.
June 27, 2012 8:59 am
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Solidarity fist bumps! I was also not the biggest fan of being pregnant. It felt alien. I always secretly suspected women who gushed at the wonder of it all were protesting a bit too much. Eight and a half years past the pregnant part, though, I hardly remember the weirdness and discomfort, because most days this new person takes my breath away.
You look beautiful – both in the glowy-smiley-there’s-a-new-person-inside-of-me picture and in the I’m-still-doing-my-thing-like-always. Life will change, evidently, but who you are doesn’t need to.
June 27, 2012 6:15 am
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Protesting too much. Ha.
(The dewy part is just hastily applied makeup, before that I looked sort of puffy and sad. Just keeping it real over here.)
June 27, 2012 8:50 am
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Proud of you, Meg. Thank you for sharing.
June 27, 2012 6:16 am
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Wonderful news – so happy for you and David.
June 27, 2012 6:17 am
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Oh hooray, Meg! Pregnancy and motherhood are full of the highest highs and lowest lows. Having a strong partnership to back it all up makes all the difference. Hugs!
June 27, 2012 6:19 am
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Holy Shit! I haven’t even got passed the part where you said you’re pregnant, congrats!!!!!!!! let me go finish reading the post now!
June 27, 2012 6:20 am
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Wow! I was not expecting (heh, pun) this news at all this morning… fist bump to you, indeed!
June 27, 2012 6:23 am
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solidarity ftw!
And because no discussion of societal expectations of pregnancy is complete without it:
Pregnant Women are Smug
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8
June 27, 2012 6:23 am
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I LOVE that video :)
June 27, 2012 6:35 am
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Since I’ve been SO tired so far this pregnancy, we now sing “Pregnant Women Are Sleepy” around my house. (Though this morning it was “Pregnant Women Are Wearing Purple.” It’s a versatile song.) I play it for everyone I know, especially as a reminder that I intend to remain unsmug for the entirety of the time the baby I generally refer to as the “parasite” is in my stomach.
June 27, 2012 6:42 am
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I love that song so much. It’s true way too often, says I, as someone who’s quit her pre-natal yoga group because quitting seemed preferable to homicide ;) I played it just two days ago and laughed so hard I cried.
June 27, 2012 8:57 am
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Huge solidarity fist bump with a big side of mazel!! Be safe and healthy.
June 27, 2012 6:28 am
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Hey kick ass! Best best wishes to you and the tiny human (and David, of course) in your new adventures.
June 27, 2012 6:29 am
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pregnant bellies are adorable
that is all
June 27, 2012 6:34 am
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I am actually HAPPY to hear that you are going to try to keep your baby and personal life out of the blogosphere! Not because I think that’s the wrong or right thing to do, but because it seems like the world of woman bloggers goes: “single blog, married blog, baby blog” and it’s kind of nice to have a space out there where the FOCUS is on marriage and womanhood and so on, without the child part being highlighted to the front. Not that those blogs and spaces aren’t useful or wonderful, because I devour them as much as anyone, but because it can remind people that it’s totally ok to just be where they are at that moment.
And, obviously Gigantamundo Congratulations, and thank you for being so publicly honest about something that I always assumed was probably going to be relatively unpleasant and challenging but something about which I’m supposed to wax poetic. Sort of like… engagements.
June 27, 2012 6:35 am
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Oops, didn’t read the PS about fist bumps/congratulations. So, not Gigantamundo Congratulations, but Gigantamundo fist bump instead!
June 27, 2012 7:12 am
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SO much like engagements. Actually.
June 27, 2012 8:58 am
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This is a great post! No matter the subject, I always appreciate APW’s willingness to say, “I am not completely enamored with X thing that I am supposed to be head over heels about”. Fist bump for that one.
June 27, 2012 6:38 am
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I’m sitting here at 14.5 weeks pregnant thinking I’m such a good candidate for the poll: Fat or Pregnant? (Today, I believe I’m on the fat side of things.)
Point is, man oh man I’d love APB. The baby sites are worse than the wedding ones.
Congrats on making it to 20. May the weeks speed by.
June 27, 2012 6:40 am
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“The baby sites are worse than the wedding ones.”
Yes.
June 27, 2012 7:25 am
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Indeed. If you ever change your mind and want to blog about babies (perhaps on a sister site), you’d have plenty of appreciative readers, I think. There’s a lot of baby craziness out there, and a dose of sanity would be good.
June 27, 2012 7:49 am
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Fist bump from 9 weeks!
And I agree that someone needs to create a sane baby site – I’ve completely avoided that part of the internet so far. I would love the baby/childrearing equivalent of APW (although I’m not saying it needs to be you, Meg).
Hils, no one would ever guess pregnant for me on that poll – a fist bump to you, too!
June 27, 2012 8:01 am
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offbeatmama.com is heavily moderated and therefore relatively sane. :)
June 27, 2012 8:26 am
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Offbeat Mama also advertises and practices a lot of woo and tends to obsess over how awesome being pregnant is. I stopped reading there for that reason. The fact that they used to link to a lot of crunchy anti-vax sites for suggested reading made me feel really uncomfortable.
June 27, 2012 8:45 am
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My issue with the OBM site — and all parenting/mom stuff I’ve found so far is very much wrapped up in the word “Mama.” What happened to moms?
Moms who are sensible and normal and confused and into their kids but also their jobs and want to not fuck up their children but would also like to trust that not every single thing has to be figured out and over analyzed. (And not apologize for using child care or giving birth at a hospital.)
That’s what’s been missing for me so far. Until then, I am trying not to bite off the heads of well-meaning women who send me “mama” shit.
(This comes with the disclaimer, that being a mama is a fine choice for many. I just don’t want people to assume it’s what I’m going to do.)
June 27, 2012 10:05 am
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Here is the thing (or a few things):
- People get very yelly about parenting. I have nice clear ideas about kids, after a life time of caring for them, and most people who run parenting sites are like “Oh EVERYTHING is wonderful, ALL parenting choices are magical.” I’m not really that person at my core, so running a parenting site seems like a disaster to me. Better to just do my thing quietly.
- Also: turns out lots of us who are not reflected on parenting sites are not reflected on them because we don’t read them. There are some GOOD parenting sites out there. I thought I’d be reading them right now. Nope. Not interested. I go find the exact info I’m looking for and then stick my head back in New York Magazine, or the New York Times, or Esquire. And that, I think, is the fundamental problem with creating a new kind of parenting site, and why I’d rather work on broader projects that occasionally talk smartly about parenting.
So. There we are :)
June 27, 2012 9:02 am
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Well, I would love to read a parenting site that tells the truth: that not everything about parenting is wonderful and that parenting decisions can be a real struggle because babies and kids have an innate capacity to challenge all our pre-babies parenting beliefs ;) I suppose it would make me feel less crappy as a parent…
June 27, 2012 11:22 am
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Have you seen dooce.com?
June 27, 2012 1:44 pm
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Which is exactly it. I know Heather and respect her immensely, and I can tell you right now I don’t have the ability to take the horrific treatment she’s taken publicly for years, writing honestly about parenting. Know your limits.
June 27, 2012 3:46 pm
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I have, and I don’t like it.There’s a fine line between honest and depressing and she depresses me.
June 27, 2012 10:07 pm
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Solidarity fist bump from this pre-engaged lady with lots of pregnant friends and family. Best wishes on wrangling wiley ducks of a different sort entirely.
June 27, 2012 6:44 am
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Wiley duckling wrangling! Love it!
June 27, 2012 9:13 am
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This is such a good post. I had my baby ten years ago, as a single mom. I loathed being pregnant for all sorts of reasons, physical and metaphysical. All sorts of people explained to me that I was *becoming a mother now,* and that meant life as I knew it was over.
I started college while I was pregnant. Graduated. Went to law school. Spent a summer doing international human rights work (with my seven year old along for the ride). Graduated with a JD and an LLM in three years.
I’m soon to be married to a guy I met studying for the bar.
F*** those people who told me life was over. A solidarity fist bump indeed. Motherhood has been one of several magnificent adventures for me so far. I send you and yours very good wishes for many magnificent adventures. :)
June 27, 2012 6:46 am
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This is so, so awesome. One of the things that terrifies me about getting pregnant is the idea that I can’t do things I want to do anymore! We don’t have a ton of family close by, and child care is expensive, so I’ve been hesitating. Would love to read a post about the support system folks have used.
June 27, 2012 6:59 am
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One thing that has been really interesting to me lately has been reading about and talking to folks who didn’t let pregnancy and being a parent radically change how they lived their life. I kind of always dreaded that once you have kids, you’re done for socially. My parents ha almost no social life or very little after we were born.
But I’ve talked to a friend who grew up playing and falling asleep on spare beds at folk music gatherings at her parent’s friends houses and loved it (not every night of course but very frequently) I’ve read about parents who continue nomadic living afte they have a child, parents who continue to throw awesome (adult not kid oriented) parties, people who’ve moved to other countries. My own parents took us to live in another country, which was awesome for us, although it didn’t last as planned because their marriage was falling apart before we left. Obviously, there may be changes in how you do the things you do but I’ve learned they don’t have to be as radical as the cultural narrati e suggests.
June 27, 2012 7:41 am
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I’m going to be totally frank, because not enough people are: we’re using childcare. I don’t want to in any way give the impression that I’m somehow going to magically keep doing my work with a baby on my hip as well. No: childcare. It’s expensive, but I’ve been a childcare worker, so I also think it’s worth way more than we’ll probably be able to pay. Also, one of us not working would be more expensive (not that it’s a financial decision).
Anyway, there is no one right answer to this, but I’m speaking up because I have encountered a LOT of shame around using childcare. This is the kind of not-too-personal thing I’ll have no problem keeping you posted on later, but while I might be emotional about it some days in the thick of it, I don’t for a SECOND feel bad or guilty about it overall.
June 27, 2012 9:08 am
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May I congratulate you on your healthy attitude towards this issue? ;-)
June 27, 2012 9:33 am
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yes yes yes to what Elisabethjoanne said. There should be less guilt all around.
And fist bumps. Loads of fist bumps.
June 27, 2012 12:05 pm
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YES!!!!!
June 27, 2012 10:56 am
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Love hearing stories like this – I finished high school, got my BA, went off to do international health work for a year, and am now halfway through my PhD (and am getting married to a guy I met in my program), all as a single mom. I rather regularly send out a quiet f*** you (in my mind, of course) to everyone who told me I couldn’t do it.
June 27, 2012 7:30 am
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Awesome. Solidarity fist bump to you, too. :)
June 27, 2012 10:56 am
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To Meg and David, congratulations! May the rest of your pregnancy go well. I respect your reasons for not wanting APB —
On an aside, it’s interesting to me the way some people phrase questions (“Are you just soo happy?”) and that when the response isn’t the standard, they actually seem to be expecting that or at least aren’t surprised by it and perhaps can commiserate. We aren’t all buying into the standard way of feeling about a given situation, yet it seems the wording that implies that we are keeps getting used.
June 27, 2012 6:48 am
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Yes! My husband and I really appreciated this essay on those weird questions:
http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/13/becoming-a-new-father-slowly/
June 27, 2012 7:07 am
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I could write a whole ragefull post on the ‘Are you SO excited?’ question, which is such a dangerous thing to ask.
June 27, 2012 9:09 am
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That’s such an American thing to ask. No British person would ever ask that. Ever.
June 27, 2012 11:26 am
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untrue. All of my British Doctors have asked me that, or rather they have said “you must be so delighted” & I have looked them square in the face and said “are you kidding? I’m terrified!”
June 27, 2012 12:23 pm
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‘You must be so excited’ and ‘you must be delighted’ are totally different! I was delighted to be pregnant and not so excited. More like so worried.
June 27, 2012 1:14 pm
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I’m still learning how to speak British then. Because to me they mean about the same thing, & in the face of both of then I felt only fear – though I confess that now that I’m almost 20 weeks I’m feeling a bit more excitement & delight.
June 27, 2012 1:33 pm
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I promise you, no British person ever said ‘Are you SO excited?’
But people do have a propensity towards suggesting that you’re at least happy about it, for some reason ‘are you shitting your pants?’ isn’t considered polite.
June 28, 2012 1:15 am
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That’s it. I’m moving to the UK. Though frankly, here, often people skip the question and just tell you what you think. “You’re so excited, I can tell.” I think it’s the sickly pallor, look of terror, and tear marks that gives your excitement away.
I mean, I can only guess.
June 27, 2012 3:50 pm
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HAHAHA. Thanks for the laugh. The TEAR MARKS give it away. Obviously. : )
And if I’m allowed to say congrats on choosing child care (a choice within your control?) then, CONGRATS! I worked for years in a Montessori early childhood center and the support, love, and joy the children had in that environment was astounding. Go childcare! And GO GO GO for choices that fit you and YOUR family!
June 27, 2012 6:15 pm
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British people have explicitly said that exact phrase to me. ‘Are you SO excited?’ was equally frustrating and equally well meant when said in a British accent.
June 28, 2012 1:44 am
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Indeed. OPEN QUESTIONS, PEOPLE!
June 27, 2012 1:55 pm
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‘You must be delighted’ is more of a polite statement than a question I think. Like saying at a wedding in a receiving line ‘you must be very proud’ to the parents. A response isn’t needed, it’s just something to say. A bit like when at a bus stop one might comment ‘lovely weather isn’t it’ or ‘looks like rain’!
It’s hard to find the right thing to say to people when they announce a pregnancy, as it means so many things to so many people, and one doesn’t want to put their foot in and offend. I’d hope a dr had got it right though.
June 27, 2012 2:31 pm
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“How are you feeling?” does wonders. Hat tip to Kristy.
Or as David said to the nurse, “Do you ask the pregnant 16 year olds if they’re excited too?”
June 27, 2012 3:52 pm
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This is the question I always ask, for 2 reasons: 1) concern for my pregnant friend and 2) curiosity about how it will feel.
June 28, 2012 8:38 am
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I love David more and more all the time, as you share his wonderful one-liners :)
July 2, 2012 3:00 pm
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Thank you for articulating my worries about pregnancy (said as we decide to “damn the green week” and let whatever happens, happen…or not). I don’t know if now is the time, I don’t know if next year will be the time, I don’t know if there will ever be a time but I do know that I’m running out of time and it’s something my husband wants so very much (& honestly I do too, which is something I never thought I’d say). But because I worry…I worry about it all and I worry about losing myself on this new adventure.
June 27, 2012 6:49 am
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To your next adventure! Thanks for writing honestly about the complexities of being pregnant. It’s strange how being pregnant is such a public experience because of the physical nature of it even though what’s going on inside is so intensely personal.
Throughout pregnancy and early motherhood, I have been again and again so frustrated with the cultural “script” surrounding having a baby. “Are you getting any sleep?” “Sleep now!” “Enjoy your freedom while you still have it!” “Better travel, because you won’t for 18 years!” It feels like it reduces the experience so much and limits genuine conversation about the joys and struggles of parenting (and how to maintain yourself in the process).
On being driven to work: we welcomed our daughter into the world in March, and as a teacher, I don’t go back until August, and I’ve been so surprised at my immense desire to get back to work outside of my little family. Especially with the Slaughter Atlantic article, I have been thinking so much about the micro level of being a mom in my home and the macro level of being a strong woman in the world. These are complex, important issues, and I hope you’ll share your thoughts on them because I enjoy reading your perspective so much. Happy thoughts to you and David and the little one!
June 27, 2012 6:50 am
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“I have been thinking so much about the micro level of being a mom in my home and the macro level of being a strong woman in the world.”
Mmm. True. One of my problems with that article was actually that I don’t want my parenthood self a public part of my professional life. It can be important, but on a private level. Quick sum up of a long thought there. But anyway, I’m sure I’ll write about these things now and then, particularly as they are about ME not about this other tiny person.
June 27, 2012 9:12 am
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So this kid has no option but to be a total badass, right?! Congrats!
June 27, 2012 6:51 am
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I hope so. With good comic timing.
June 27, 2012 9:13 am
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If YOUR child isn’t funny, I’ll suspect a mix-up at the hospital. ;)
June 27, 2012 10:38 am
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Especially since David is as funny as I am, just differently funny :) I’m hoping for preverbal comedy (the best kind).
June 27, 2012 3:53 pm
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::fistbump::
June 27, 2012 6:53 am
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Hearty congratulations to you, Meg! I just gave birth to my first child three weeks ago, and pregnancy terrified me, especially when I was sick for five straight weeks in my first trimester. But being a mother is a beautiful and a maddening thing that I wouldn’t trade for anything! Since having our son, I am more selfless – that I know for sure, but your post encouraged me to think about how I haven’t changed, about what is still the same. So, thank you for that.
June 27, 2012 6:53 am
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