Lately, I’ve been receiving quite a bit of wedding advice in the form of lists. Normally, I abhor any attempts at advice giving, because I already know everything, obviously. Furthermore, I generally dislike wedding enthusiasm. And while I’ve come across a multitude of lists for pregnant brides (hide your discomfort between two pairs of shoes and a glass of sparkling grape juice!), second marriage (shameful whore) brides, awful brides (we have to remind you to treat your loved ones with respect because you’re being a douchecanoe), I don’t necessarily find a lot of advice for wedding guests—or if I do, these nuggets of wisdom answer somewhat adolescent questions like “I’ve been invited to a wedding—do I have to attend?” or tips on how not to act like a drunk a**hole (the secret: don’t binge drink. Or just hide your vomit behind the wedding cake table). But where are the tips for the non-traditional, slightly narcissistic yet amicable wedding guest? Don’t you deserve some hints tailored to your needs, resting generously outside the realm of what not to wear during a summer wedding? I think yes. So, here are:
Five tips on how to use my wedding to fulfill your wildest fantasies (most of which I definitely did not glean from GQ articles)
1. Acquire an entourage: Listen, we all know there’s a hierarchy to wedding guests, and when you get your table number, you’re faced with the unadulterated truth of your ranking in the hearts of the bride and groom. How do you combat the feelings of self-hatred and regret for not sending that “Congratulations on Your Engagement” card? Rouse the troops, dear friend. There are other lowlies out there just like you, waiting for a way to rise to the top of any table, a.k.a., your ticket to a night of one-time-only popularity. The difference between you and other wedding cake crumbles? Ambition and a great friggin’ smile.
2. Become a wedding party groupie: This may require some pre-planning/spying/ass-kissing on your part in order to acquire an outfit that will “accidentally” look like the wedding party get up, and insider knowledge of their pre-wedding whereabouts. It’s so funny that you just happen to show up at the hotel where everyone’s about to ride in the rimmed-out stretch limo filled with bottles of champ and Hennessy (bad combination)! If you act casually and dress appropriately, no one will ever know, especially if you’re the one poppin’ tops on bottles and starting rounds of “For he’s a jolly good fellow.” (Pro tip: Works great with large wedding parties.)
3. Use the wedding trip as a tax write-off: You may have to get a tad creative with this one, but with the help of business cards and your Google calendar, you can at least write off cab fare to and from a business meeting consulting five drunk party guests on stock portfolios, marketing their new chihuahuas-only grooming service or… whatever it is you corporate people do for a living. Who knows, maybe you’ll get some new clients you could later sleep with after an awkward dinner. Originally, my best example of this was suggesting to my sex-pert friend to sack a bridesmaid with a new sex toy she had to review.
4. Shag the wedding party: Ok, ok. I know this is like, THE ONE TIP every wedding guest knows coming out of the womb. But I’m not suggesting you sleep with merely one of the wedding party. No, no. I’m saying: SLEEP WITH EVERYONE. How rad would you be at the office cooler the next morning? No, you didn’t sleep with that hot bridesmaid/groomsman, you slept with ALL those hot bridesmaids/groomsmen. And believe me, my wedding party is SUPER FINE, so you’ll pretty much want to hit it like Peter Gabriel’s sledgehammer. (Pro tip: Combine #4 with #2 for maximum shaggage, and for help in avoiding those pesky significant others.)
5. Reinvent yourself: You remember Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion, and how it catapulted itself into my top five movies of all time? You know why? It was about the power of reinvention, and contained the greatest mini-monologue about Post-its ever. Think of it this way: at my wedding, you’ll know basically no one, so why not be someone totally different than your normally “meh” self? Even if your normal self is better than “meh,” take the opportunity to try on a different pair of shoes. Preferably the neon platforms with sparkles.
Live it up, people. I only plan to get married once.