My mom and I have always been pretty close, but we had a blow out argument the other week that I’m still trying to wrap my head around. Basically, she told me that since I am not married I have no obligation to my boyfriend’s family and should be spending more of my holiday time with her. Now, my boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and I feel my mom gets more than her fair share of our time—at least fifty percent with the other fifty percent divided up between my boyfriend’s family and my father (as my parents are divorced). I feel guilty not spending every holiday with my mom since she doesn’t have a significant other, and I feel that if I’m not there, she’s alone, but that’s not really fair to everyone else in this equation.
I really would appreciate the advice anyone who has gone through this situation has to offer. How do I show my mother that I do care about my own family, but still feel an obligation to my boyfriend’s family? We plan on getting married, but I don’t think my single status in the meantime should demote the value and commitment of our relationship. I’m just so frustrated and really don’t want to hurt feelings!
-Not Married But Still Important!!
Dear NMBSI,
I think you pretty much said it yourself. Marriages aren’t the only valid relationship. As an adult building a community around yourself, you get to choose whose lives you’d like to invest in, who you enjoy being around, and how you spend your time. That’s the same truth whether you’re married, engaged, dating, or if you’re single and enjoying your friendships. Sure, a wedding makes a nice symbolic gesture of growing up and out of your parents’ home, but that same kind of change happens when you grow up whether you’re married or not. Parents eventually need to move over a bit and make room for all of the other awesome folks in your life. Read More…