Me [via gchat, on writing my last APW post]: eek argh blegh, I’m stuck!
Brandon: You aren’t stuck for short meaningless guttural words
Here’s why this was hard for me to write. As you might expect from someone who’s just spent a year writing for APW (*sniff* can’t believe it’s December), my wedding to Brandon was more than one event, and not just because we staged it several times. Getting married was the two of us setting our sights on a place we wanted to be, then holding hands, closing our eyes, and jumping. The posts I’ve written along the way let me share the terrifying, exhilarating part from when our feet left the floor to the landing. I couldn’t be more grateful for the support, the solidarity, and the Exactlys I’d had from the APW community. But back on the ground again, I’m learning that it’s time to identify the next place I want to be, close my eyes and jump into the unknown once again. It helps—it really helps—to have a husband on my side for this. But it’s not a magic fix. It’s still down to me.
Back to the guttural noises. I promised myself I’d use this final post to check in on a couple of projects I mentioned in my bio, i.e. my first novel and the various Etsy stores that I would one day launch. That was the first step. The second, petrifying step comes now, when, without adding ironic air quotes around any of the words, I tell you that I took my manuscript to a writing conference, and an editor has asked to see it; and that I have recently launched my Etsy store, Modern Mala, selling beaded accessories inspired by Tibetan prayer malas. Did you see what I did there? I went from “manuscript” to manuscript, from “business owner” to business owner. It wasn’t so bad.
Sure, it’s possible to do these things without a person (read: my husband) to cheer you every step of the way, but there’s a reason why I acted now. The wedding was a glimpse of a world where everyone was rooting for us, especially when we did things our own way. It was a time when we stopped waiting to have enough money because the support we had was exactly enough. It was an experiment in becoming everything we’d hoped for. In other words, it was inspiring. Every visitor to this site knows the power of the words: “I now pronounce you.” If pronouncing makes it happen, what might be achieved by doing it more often, for ourselves? What if a wedding is really, after all, a challenge? Not one perfect day, but a taste of perfection that keeps us reaching for everything we value most.
So warmest thanks to Meg, Maddie, Zen, Elisabeth, and all the APW contributers and readers. In the Buddhist community I practice in, we talk about holding the space, which is kind of like listening, but in 3D with surround sound. You’ve held this space for me as I edged into an exciting, uncertain future. I’m starting a page on Facebook (pronounce it: “Writer”) where I’ll post my work going forward. I hope you’ll keep in touch as I keep on edging ahead, this time with Brandon at my side—one short, meaningless guttural word at a time.
Photo credit: Me, from the Modern Mala Facebook page