Last month Meg and I attended the design summit known as Alt. It’s a big conference where mostly women and some men come together to get inspired and gear up to take their businesses and blogs to the next level. It was a professionally fulfilling conference for me, and at the end of the short week, I left feeling more excited about the possibilities in store for APW this year. Which was pretty much what I expected to get out of it. But what I didn’t expect was the impact this conference would have on me personally. You see, Alt is filled with moms. Certainly not all attendees have children, but a significant amount do. And as I sat between them, watching their kids fall asleep in their laps while we talked business, or not seeing their kids at all because their dads were upstairs in the hotel room watching them, I felt a noticeable shift in myself.
It was the first time I’d experienced a kind of motherhood that didn’t scare me.
Until that point I’d always known that having children was something I wanted (and something Michael and I have been talking about together for a little over a decade), but I’d never been fully convinced it wasn’t going to be the worst mistake I’d ever make. Maybe that’s because I was the product of a teenage pregnancy (not that my parents didn’t love me to pieces, but I’m well aware of the way that my presence impacted their lives), or maybe because I had four younger siblings I used to watch after school every day who I loved, but, you know, not like a mother. In any case, this inner conflict, this wanting and simultaneous dreading, has been keeping me up at night for about as long as I can remember.
That is, until now. I’m not saying it’s completely eradicated, but in these past few months I’ve had the ability to watch Meg as a new mom, interact with these mothers, and watch them continue to be who they were before they had children. And it’s amazing what having just a few positive role models can do for your confidence. (Jeez, it’s almost like I was here in this exact place four years ago feeling this way about marriage. Funny.)
So after Alt, when Meg was pretending to not be working except I was totally bribing her into meeting up with me every few weeks so that we could “talk strategy” (aka I pretend I have a big idea, but really I just want to hold the baby), I pestered her into agreeing to do an interview with me for the site on some of the stuff she’s learned in the first few months as a new mother: the surprises, the good stuff, the not so good stuff. Basically, wedding graduate format for baby having.
Do I think Meg has all the answers on what it means to be a new mom? Obviously not. In fact, she only let me write this post if I told you that she really, really, really does not think she has answers (and she’s not sure there are answers). But I figure if I’m getting something really important out of seeing someone parent in a way that doesn’t make me feel panicked, maybe it’s worth talking about. (Which, based on comments from last week, it probably is.) And I’m probably not the only one who can benefit from having an open and honest conversation what new motherhood really looks like, with someone we’ve all been reading along with for years.
So here’s the deal. In order to prepare for this interview, I want to know: what are your biggest fears about choosing to have children? (Or not choosing to have children? Because I think that’s an important part of this conversation.) I want to put together a compilation of APW readers’ real concerns and then have an open conversation with Meg about her particular experiences (big picture, of course. I want to respect her decision to keep her personal life and the details of her kiddo private. But I assure you, it’s the big picture stuff that’s been the profound part). I’m not sure where it’ll go, but I promise it will be candid and, not the same BS you’re being fed everywhere else. And hey, maybe it will be the first new mom interview of… well not too many, since you and I both know that APW & Reclaiming Wife are never going to be parenting sites. But maybe it’s the first of more than one. Who knows?
Finally, as part of this experiment, Meg and I are toying with trying out a new format: video (because I have a new haircut and I’m really excited about it). But before we go crazy trying to make that happen, we want to know if this is something the community is even remotely interested in. So, head on over to Seesaw to vote on that subject (you don’t have to create an account or anything, just hit the appropriate button), and in the meantime, leave us your comments and we’ll round them up for a one-on-one, Frost/Nixon style.
Cheers,
Maddie
Photo by: Kara Schultz (APW Sponsor)
This post includes Sponsors, who are a key part of supporting APW. For more information, see our Directory page for Kara Schultz.
I want to hear about daycare. (Today is my 1 year old baby’s first day in daycare and I am a total mess.) I know you Americans go back to work much, much earlier than us Canucks, but I’m not sure if that makes it easier or harder. Either way, I want to hear about daycare experiences.
March 5, 2013 9:41 am
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He’s at daycare right this second, and it’s not his first time by a long shot. Solidarity! I actually am thinking of writing a whole post about that.
PS It gets easier. Hormones make the first day (or the first day you extend a schedule) a killer. Like, tears and physical shaking for me, but I’m really sensitive to hormones. But after a few days, my hormones adjust. It’s crazy shit.
March 5, 2013 10:24 am
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Yes, please, talk about daycare. Rowan has been in daycare for 8 months, and it has not gotten easier for me. Maybe the pumping and logistics parts, but not the emotional part. I need to hear/talk more about it.
March 5, 2013 11:35 am
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I switched day care when it didn’t get easier. The first center was ok, but leaving my son there always made me anxious. The new place is just awesome. So don’t be afraid to look for a new center if that’s an option for you.
March 5, 2013 12:08 pm
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My name is Rowan! I love when I hear about other Rowans!
March 5, 2013 12:14 pm
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My Rowan is 11 months old and a lovely human being. I’m sure you are, too :)
March 5, 2013 12:18 pm
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I am shocked at the intensity of my grief, leaving her at this (fairly awesome, expensive) daycare. I mean, I knew I’d be sad, but I am shocked to find myself keening in the parking lot. Hormones, man. They’re a bitch.
March 5, 2013 12:23 pm
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I was shaking like a leaf the other day going to pick him up, after our first round of full time daycare. AND CRYING. Hormones be crazy. They’re tied to monkey mind: GRAB THE BABY RUN UP THE TREE DON’T LET GO.
March 5, 2013 12:53 pm
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I know hormones make EVERYTHING more intense. But I think separation grief would happen regardless. I bet a lot of adoptive parents cry too.
My grandmother took care of me during the first three years my parents lived with my grandparents and worked. When they moved out to their own home, my grandmother said it was like they took HER baby.
She was emotional about it for a long time. It means you are attached to the little one.
March 5, 2013 1:37 pm
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1980: I think you’re probably right. But for me there is this weird intellectual/ hormone split. I know he’s really happy there, and I’m really happy working and it’s fine. But my hormones have actually been making me ill, leaving him. CRAZY RIGHT?
March 5, 2013 4:40 pm
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UGH, daycare. Meg is right, it does get easier. And if it makes you feel better, I think my kid is significantly more advanced because of daycare than he would have been if he was home with me, just due to the extra interaction with other adults and kids. (I don’t belong to a playgroup/mother’s day out/church where he’d get that.)
Daycare isn’t for everyone but when it has to happen, it has it’s advantages.
But still, big hugs!
March 5, 2013 12:33 pm
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Totally. He’s already really good at just sort of coping with new situations, even when he doesn’t love it.
March 5, 2013 12:54 pm
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Not to mention you’re bolstering those immune systems like woah. They’ll also be at reduced risk of stuff like asthma and allergies.
Yay hygiene hypothesis!
March 5, 2013 3:41 pm
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As hard as it was at first and as much as I still occasionally feel guilty about daycare, I am very pro-daycare. My daughter is almost 2 now and is social, outgoing, adaptable, and friendly. I credit a lot of this to the social interaction she gets at daycare. Plus the toys and activities at daycare are waayyyyy better than what we have at home! ;-)
I wrote about our daycare experiences here:
http://itsloverly.blogspot.com/2012/11/daycare.html
March 14, 2013 9:58 am
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And the flip side of this: I felt terrified the first days (what if he DIES!?) but 2 months later I feel almost *too* good about it. I miss him yes, but there are moments when I look forward to sending him. Mostly because I feel like he’s more engaged there and not because I don’t want him around, but still it makes me feel like a bad mother.
So yeah, a daycare coversation would be nice.
March 5, 2013 4:23 pm
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Yes! Our son goes to a nanny share two days a week and I look forward to those days ALL WEEK LONG. I just run out of ways to entertain him! My husband is home the other three days so it’s like my mind can take a break from thinking about him and I can just focus on work. I think I would send him more days but it’s SO expensive and it’s hard to justify it when theoretically we can cover it.
March 5, 2013 5:46 pm
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i love the nanny share thing
March 8, 2013 10:43 am
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I’d love to hear about the stress level that you currently have about being responsible for the well being of an individual that cannot fend for itself. That’s what scares me the most about having children. About the level of responsibility and associated stress that comes with it.
March 5, 2013 9:47 am
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Oh gosh, where to begin! I’ve never had that “Defining Moment” that some people have, that they absolutely KNOW 100% that they want to be mothers, and they define themselves as mothers. Since I’ve not had that moment, it leaves me feeling like perhaps I shouldn’t *be* a mother, or maybe it means I’m not ready. So, how do you get there?
If I’ve learned anything from reading APW, it’s that everyone’s process is different, and that one way isn’t THE way for everyone. But the responsibility of creating/caring for a new life, a new person, is so immense that I worry anything less than 100% overwhelming joy and JUST EXCITEMENT OMG… will lead to my inevitable “bad parenting” or the “huge mistake” … yep.
March 5, 2013 9:50 am
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I don’t know if this is similar to your situation, but I have always been an anxious person in general and particularly anxious about making major decisions, so I’ve never really had a “Defining Moment” about any choice I’ve made. I’ve always had to take leaps of faith and hope everything works out. But it is clearly a lot more difficult when making a decision about something as permanent as parenthood. With marriage, I can tell myself that if it doesn’t work out, I’ll just get a divorce (which is sad, but not the end of the world). There is no “whoops, this isn’t working out” for parenthood.
March 5, 2013 11:11 am
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If it helps? (And it probably doesn’t.)
I had that defining, 100%, yes, motherhood is a thing I want to do! moment . . . about 1 and a half years after I had my daughter. It’s not that I didn’t love her or appreciate her – I loved her as much as I loved any family member. But it wasn’t until she was 18 months old, round about, when something shifted and I loved her not just as a tiny member of my family but as THE family, the person which came from me, the person which I helped create.
My day-to-day parenting didn’t change when I had that moment. I didn’t become any more sacrificial of my time; my daughter didn’t all of a sudden cease to annoy me when she fought nap time even though EVERYONE KNOWS NAPS ARE AWESOME, KID. And the subtle fear that I could be screwing it all up didn’t go away all by magic, either. There was only the realization that it was forever going to be the long haul with this person and a quiet peace that came along with it.
March 5, 2013 11:54 am
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This perfectly describes my experience with so many things. Like my career (I’m an academic) – for three years of undergrad, and fours years of PhD, I knew I enjoyed my work, and was happy to keep going with it, but it is only 6 or 7 years down the line that I have that gut-level, “this is what I want to do with my life. I will fight hard to be able to carry on doing this” feeling. Othertimes, it takes less long, but I still have to actually be in the situation before I know it is right. I’m glad someone else has had this experience with motherhood! And as you say, it doesn’t make the daily facts of the decision any different, they just come with different realisations.
March 7, 2013 3:50 am
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For what it’s worth, I never felt that prior to having kids, either. My husband and I hadn’t spent much time around babies or kids, but had a vague idea that we might want 2 or 3 kids. I suspected I might regret it if we didn’t have any; that’s as close to that feeling as I got. My age more or less dictated the “when” if we wanted bio kids. Anyway, all that to say I never had that feeling prior to kids, but now have 2 kids who absolutely give me that feeling. It’s definitely not a prerequisite.
March 5, 2013 1:59 pm
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Absolutely would love to hear about this. My husband LOVES kids (can’t emphasize that enough) and helped raise his little brother (he was 19 when baby bro was born) so he feels more like a father than a brother sometimes, I think. He works in customer service and is so great with kids and really wants his own. He’s more family driven, like wants to stay home with the kids, which is awesome. Except I don’t know if I want kids. I tend to research anything I have questions or doubts about so I can be more educated on it. But me not knowing has been painful for both of us and my husband doesn’t want to talk about it until I’ve made a decision one way or the other and I don’t know if I will ever be able to be 100% yes or no kids. I read Jessica Valenti’s book, Why Have Kids? and he didn’t even want to discuss it…even though it’s more about the societal expectations of pregnancy, child birth, connections with the child, raising the child, etc.
I’m more career driven and my husband is totally supportive of that but I feel like I’m depriving him of something he really wants…and I feel like there is absolutely no one I can honestly talk about this with…and I tend to need to talk things out to figure out what to do. I cry about the anxiety over it like twice a month at least.
So…is there ever a defining moment? Does it happen for everyone? I think if I got pregnant by mistake I would keep it, but I don’t know if I would ever want to intentionally try. But what if I never had kids and would regret it? Or is it better to not have kids and regret it than have kids and regret it? I know it’s different for everyone but would love Meg’s thoughts on this.
March 5, 2013 3:33 pm
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This is me in the reverse scenario. I’d love to talk about having or not having kids.
March 9, 2013 11:41 am
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I was worried about not having that defining “yes I must have kids!” feeling all through my twenties. I personally decided I would wait to make a decision about kids until I knew my own feelings better – it seemed worse to not have kids and regret it (there are always nieces and nephews and adoption and volunteering and so many ways to have children in one’s life) than it did to have kids and regret it (even though no one EVER talks about regretting having kids, so maybe that doesn’t happen).
Then all of a sudden I felt like I had. to. have. a. baby. NOW. I was somewhere around 30 or 31. It was overwhelming and dictated all my thoughts – I’m 100% sure it was somehow hormonal, either from hormones shifting with age or from going off hormone contraception or both. I also think marrying made a difference – I wanted my partner’s child, not just “a child.”
Personally, I’m glad I waited for the “yes I 100% want this” feeling, if for no other reason than it has made the whole experience of pregnancy easier for me. All those aches and pains? Hardly even feel them I’m so damn happy. Pregnancy depression? yeah, it sucks, but it all feels worth it because I want this baby *so bad.* All my financial worries and worries about my career? Well, they take a back seat to my joy.
I don’t think being 100% “ready” would be an antidote to all pregnancy/new mom woes for everyone, but it has been for me. And I certainly don’t think it’s a prerequisite to being a happy and confident parent. I just know for me personally, waiting until I felt SURE – even though that meant pushing back against the biological clock timeline – has made this process much easier, and has given me a confidence and happiness I’m not sure I would have had if I hadn’t waited.
March 6, 2013 9:50 am
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This is fantastic! I don’t have the slightest feeling that discussions like this are parallel to “parenting sites” but rather that they help APW come full circle in discussions about individuality, womanhood, and living beautiful and fulfilling lives. These discussions make APW and the strong, inspiration community around it!
My biggest fear about motherhood is losing myself. Losing my own individual identity. I don’t want to me”Mom, also-previously-once-known-as-Samantha.” I want to be Samantha: decorative art historian, curator, traveler, book-worm, yoga lover, outdoor frequenter, who-also-happens-to-be-a-kick-ass-Wife-and-Mom! – or you know something of the same. I need to know that keeping a strong sense of self is possible. My amazing mother gave up everything to be Mom, which I think she would choose again, but she now once in a while mentions how she never had the career she wanted or lived in NYC, etc. How do I: 1) maintain my individual pre-baby identity, 2) not back-step the career I love, 3) be present for my children’s lives? I guess if I’m not loosing my identity by becoming also-wife, it is possible. I need some strong women examples.
Oh man APW this is a huge question! I know there is no “answer” but please I would love discussion and sharing from people who have gone through this. It’s the never ending, two-fold question: can I have my cake and eat it too?
March 5, 2013 9:50 am
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I definitely second this. I also have an amazing mother who did a fantastic job raising my sister and I, but completely gave up her nursing career to do it. So I think my core fear is that I can be an “career lady + awesome wife” but not an “career lady + awesome wife + good mom.” I’d love to hear how the kids/career decision calculus worked out and how that balance is working.
March 5, 2013 10:48 am
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There was a very interesting (to me) rebuttal to the outcry over the yahoo telecommuting policy which basically boiled down to no, no you cannot have it all. If you want a super high powered job in which you work 60+ hours a week, and your spouse does the same, you cannot expect to have children/maintain your home/etc. without a lot of paid help. Which, bleak, but in my experience totally true.
Having (or choosing to pursue) a flexible job/working for yourself/teaching/etc. all seem to offer more options. But lets get real, you cannot expect to work a job with crazy hours and do it with a partner who also works crazy hours without some help.
March 5, 2013 11:18 am
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Yeah. I agree, and on more levels than just that. I have a flexible job working for myself, but it’s also a high powered job where I work a lot of hours. We need paid help. And I’m fine with that. I’m not saying it’s perfect, but it’s a trade off I’m ok with.
And also? A lot of the alternatives are myths. My mom was a teacher. Yeah, she had summers off with us. She also worked 12+ hour days all year.
(I mean, policy issues is a different conversation. I’m just talking about reality as we currently know it.)
March 5, 2013 12:05 pm
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Yes on that teaching front. I teach primary and it’s great to say “hey, president’s day! Lets snuggle baby!”, but it also sucks to keep grading after the baby falls asleep or work on Saturdays or not be able to pick up the kiddo from daycare because I have a meeting. Also, our house is in shambles and we’ve been eating chicken nuggets & tater tots at least one day a week since January. :)
March 5, 2013 4:30 pm
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I was just reading about the Yahoo controversy. Yikes.
March 5, 2013 12:38 pm
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I was reading about this yesterday. Being in Australia we are pretty lucky as paid maternity leave is now the law, but with that seems to come the pressure that new Mums have to stay in the workforce, even if that isn’t what they want, and working mothers get hit with the “you got paid maternity leave so you can’t complain now”. There doesn’t seem to be any allowance for individual needs, and the whole thing is just so judgemental!
Any way, I thought Sarah Lacy’s article about the issue was a really good take on the whole Yahoo thingy.
March 5, 2013 1:26 pm
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This is where my concern lies as well. My husband and I are 5 months into a start-up business and we just discovered there is a baby on the way. My mom was wonderful but completely gave up aspects of herself to be “perfect mom”. I’ve never had a need to be a mother but always took a “when the time is right” approach. My concern is how do I find the ability to push my dreams for this business and be a good parent.
Also I think just hearing about this stage of life from this community that I have learned to love would be a wonderful thing. Just saying. :)
March 5, 2013 11:30 am
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I’m totally the same way. I just got a new job a few months ago, and am making real headway on saving up to start paying down debt (and actually being able to meet my bills right now), and DH and I moved into our own place (we were previously with a roommate) and we’re working on our own startup(s)–separately and together, they’re all related. Then we found out there was one on the way. Yay, but now what?
March 5, 2013 11:58 am
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You might like this article I read yesterday, by a woman working at a start up. “Beyond that, everyone’s definition of “having it all” varies. For me, it’s building a company, being there for my employees, having a healthy relationship with my husband, and raising my kids. That’s pretty much it. It’ll take me a long time to lose baby weight, because my schedule doesn’t give me much time to work out. I don’t take vacations. I don’t have a group of tight girlfriends, or really many friends that I see regularly at all…. Quitting my job to work at a startup meant almost no disposable income and even less time.Those are all trade-offs I gladly and willingly made before starting my company. ”
http://pandodaily.com/2013/02/25/in-this-corner-theres-sheryl-sandberg-in-this-corner-theres-anne-marie-slaughter-and-then-theres-reality/“
March 5, 2013 12:38 pm
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Apologies for the long comment in advance.
Could there also be a discussion of the kind of opposite? My mother is amazing, but certainly never gave up aspects of herself to be a perfect mom. In fact, she’s told me that it was my being born that gave her the kick in the butt to quit her boring but stable job working at a bank as a teller to chasing her dreams and becoming a detective for the LAPD. That meant dropping me off at my grandmother or great-grandmother’s homes for the majority of my childhood for the majority of the day, and having me wake up at 4 am for all of elementary school so she could do the hand off with my grandma but still get to work on time. She couldn’t make plays or field trips for me, but by the time my sister came around she had more flexibility and I suppose felt like she was missing out and was more participatory in the school activities.
The only change she made was moving to the suburbs, which don’t get me wrong, was huge, but a bit of a different narrative. I’m struggling with the duality of wanting to be more present and available for my kids, but also not fall into the paralyzing anxiety of trying to be the perfect mom, and overcompensating.
Also, I may be the only one dealing with this, but I am TERRIFIED about the possible level of resentment I may feel towards my husband because he’s male, and doesn’t have to deal with all that I’ll have to go through- physical, hormonal, cultural, etc. The Second Shift is a constant theme in my mind, and I can only imagine how much more prevalent it would be if we had kids.
Also, um, kids are scary. I want them to love love love me. What if they don’t? What if I don’t like them?!!
March 6, 2013 8:30 am
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“I am TERRIFIED about the possible level of resentment I may feel towards my husband because he’s male, and doesn’t have to deal with all that I’ll have to go through- physical, hormonal, cultural, etc.”
You’re DEFINITELY not alone in that.
March 7, 2013 7:17 am
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The losing yourself is scary. I’ve seen many folks describe it as like your old self dies, and in some ways like dieing and hugely traumatic and transformative. The way they describe it makes it sound like they came back as a shade, as just a shadow of a different person, subsumed by parenting. Which is TERRIFYING. I really want kids, but recently, I’ve become so scared of having kids. The I-must-have-a-baby-this-instant baby crazies of my teen years have somewhat faded, and while I know I want kids, I’m so scared of the idea of losing myself and it being horrible forever, but oh yay baby smiles. I know that balancing a career and family is incredibly challenging, and maybe we can’t have our cake and eat it too, but I’m not so worried about that. I’m mostly worried about the concept of being less of a person. Which is how so many people seem to describe it.
And Maddie, thanks for this. I don’t feel like I have any good parenting moms in my life, in that they are still who they are.
March 5, 2013 6:02 pm
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I’m not sure if it helps, and I’m not a mother, but my favorite singer/songwriter wrong a song about becoming a different person when he had a kid, and your post reminded me of it. Even though I’ve decided not to have kids the song comforted me when I was thinking about it.
You can listen to it for free.
http://www.jonathancoulton.com/primer/listen/
(It’s “You Ruined Everything” under “4 Sweet Ones)
March 8, 2013 4:28 pm
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I want to hear about if/how your marriage has changed post-baby. I know that it will obviously change the dynamic of some things, but are there things that surprised you about your partner? Has your relationship changed in a profound way? Or is it mostly the same (but with more diaper changes?)
March 5, 2013 9:52 am
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I think I may have “exactly”‘d this more than once. I stand by it! This this this!
March 5, 2013 10:33 am
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I would love to write a bit on this. What has changed? Everything and nothing.
March 5, 2013 11:11 am
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Yes yes this. Everyone always says that your relationship changes, but that’s so vague.
March 5, 2013 11:40 am
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I would love this conversation too! The Man and I are coping well, but things are different around here – for better and worse. Those aforementioned hormones kick some ass in this area as well, I think.
March 5, 2013 4:33 pm
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Yes, this would be a very good conversation.
March 5, 2013 5:28 pm
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This post made me realize something funny.
From age 19 through my early 20s, I thought having a baby would mean I ceased to exist. I was the only person I knew who felt that way.
But here’s the funny part. I never once thought that about my grandmother or mother. They were too full of life, interests, talent, and personalities. I also never thought that about any of my friends who had babies.
See, I’ve never actually witnessed anyone change who they were because of giving birth. Not one time. Even funnier, is that I have a very strong will, so how could I cease to exist? Impossible.
I knew at the time that my feelings were illogical. I knew I’d never seen it happen, but the feelings persisted for a long time. Later on, I just had no desire for children and the timing was also always wrong.
So this opens up a new question that just occurred to me. Maybe it’s not so much that we are afraid motherhood changes people. Maybe we are afraid that even if everyone else seems to take motherhood in stride, that WE won’t.
Maybe the fear is really personal?
March 5, 2013 9:52 am
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Amen.
March 5, 2013 10:36 am
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I don’t think your fear is strange at all. I have watched some of my friends and family members (male and female) change once they had children. In some cases, it made them mature and become more responsible, so good changes. but in others, they got so wrapped up in their kids that they forgot it is okay to have interests and things that don’t involve their kids. And maybe it wasn’t really changes, but rather an enhancement of latent or dormant qualities that were always there but weren’t so prominent until after they had children. I think it just depends on the personality of the individual.
I don’t feel like people became invisible, but they did change how they interacted with the world.
March 5, 2013 11:36 am
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Work-life balance after having a child, childcare (among the parents, relatives, daycare, etc.) and maintaining your individual self after becoming a parent are my top three.
March 5, 2013 9:54 am
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I can’t ask this politely… but I want to know how old Meg is and if she constantly thinks “well, in twenty years I’ll be able to…” That’s where I find myself, but I am older (35, still not certain I want a child).
Thank you for the site! I appreciate the depth and quality of your content!
March 5, 2013 9:55 am
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I know these questions are supposed to be for Meg, but I can’t help but chime in with this one. When you have kids, your own life doesn’t have to get put on hold until your kids are grown up. Granted, some things will get more expensive when all of a sudden you have to pay for more people to do them, so those expensive things will probably happen less frequently. BUT I know a couple that goes on a ski vacation with friends. This year, she is having a baby. And guess what? They’re still going on their ski trip, and leaving baby with their parents. Having a kid doesn’t mean that you have to be taking care of them 24/7/365, you just have to be sure the there is always SOMEONE to take care of them, be it a professional at a day care or grandparents or other family members or trusted friends.
(*gets off soap box*)
March 5, 2013 10:28 am
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But sometimes having a kid changes the way you feel about other things, and you WANT to put them on hold or give them up all together. I could do nearly everything I did pre-baby with a baby – maybe with a little more help or dirty dishes. But I no longer want to do some of those activities either because they’re so much more work or because they seem less important now. I’ve experienced this and had a hard time coming to terms with caring less about certain ambitious goals and projects than I did pre-baby. I am okay not being #1 in my professional field if it means more family time these days. Certainly not everyone feels this way, but it’s okay to feel that way if you do after the baby is born. No guilt for going where our hearts pull us, even if they pull us off of the ski slopes or cubicle for a while.
March 5, 2013 11:40 am
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Yup, totally feel you on this one, Jamie! I had planned to shoot several out-of-state weddings with Mark after our son was born, and made arrangements for my parents to watch him for a few weekends…. And then had to admit I was NOT ok with that and didn’t want to leave our son overnight with anyone else. I fought that feeling so hard out of fear that by admitting my own wants and needs had, in fact, shifted, it made me less of a feminist, or less of… Me. But I realized I have to honor myself where I am NOW… We are always changing, and children are just one of many changes that life brings… And changes can and do change you. For now, I would rather be home with my son than hitting up new cities each month. I never would have expected to feel this way prior to being a mom. But I’m not less of myself. I still love to travel – WITH my son! There are many parts of myself that stayed the same. But there are also changes that I didn’t expect. And coming to terms with that has been hard, but ultimately very affirming and empowering.
March 6, 2013 5:11 pm
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You don’t need an interview for that. I’m about to turn 33. And I’m sure Maddie will talk to me about the second question, but no, I don’t feel that way. We just bought some international plane tickets, for example.
March 5, 2013 10:29 am
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Oh, good. I was going to ask you about travel. My husband and I love to travel, and I worry that we won’t be able to do that once we have kids. I worry even about going out in the city we live in. Some friends of ours just had a baby, and they’ve basically been home-bound. How do you remain part of the outside world full of restaurants and museums and interesting places and take your baby along for the ride with you?
March 5, 2013 12:00 pm
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Seriously: he flew to Salt Lake city at two months old (with Maddie!). It was fine. He went to a restaurant at about a month old. But you do need support, I think, in whatever form, to keep getting out in the world, which is really worth discussing. (And to be clear: we were home bound at first, and still go out way less, but that’s fine and temporary. The baby thing is SADLY very temporary.)
March 5, 2013 12:08 pm
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I have nothing terribly insightful to say, but I could just hug you for this little tidbit. A little voice in my head just went, YAAAAAY IT’S POSSIBLE!
March 5, 2013 7:11 pm
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If you’re worried about travel – then this book is a great antidote:
http://shop.lonelyplanet.com/world/travel-with-children-5/
Lonely Planet’s guide to travelling with children.
And this: “Does having kids mean that your travel bug has buzzed its last? Nope – not according to the Lonely Planet community. Sure, some travellers have changed the way they hit the road – the places they go, the places they stay, the things they do – but some have found that having a tot or two in tow has actually enhanced their trips.”
http://www.lonelyplanet.com/middle-east/travel-tips-and-articles/1317
March 6, 2013 2:44 am
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My baby turns 1 tomorrow. She has been on: an international road trip, 6 in-province weekends away, an all-inclusive Mexican resort trip, and a 10 day Dallas city wander. We eat out in restaurants with her all the time, starting when she was only days old. (I wanted Vietnamese.) In Dallas, we took her to half a dozen museums, and on a mini road trip, and so on. You have to make more of an effort, yes, and you have to work nap times in, but it’s totally doable, IF YOU DECIDED THAT YOU WANT TO. And that’s key. So is starting young. We’re raising a baby who is okay with sleeping in the car and eating in restaurants and people watching at museums, because that’s important to us. So we’re teaching the baby.
Sure, it helps that she’s on the easier side of the fussy curve, but I firmly believe you can teach babies to live in the world the way you do. I have many feelings about this, but they boil down to: babies are just little people. You have to accommodate them, and they have to learn to accommodate you.
March 5, 2013 12:46 pm
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Morgan I love reading about you and your daughter (and husband) and the adventures you’re all having. (I almost always click over to your blog to see what’s new) Thank you for sharing! And happy birthday tomorrow to her!
March 5, 2013 12:56 pm
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It is so good to hear stuff like this! I refused to get engaged until B got comfortable with the idea of having kids. It was key for him to see his cousin, who he’s known his whole life, still be herself after having kids. KEY. It’s so good to know that if you make it a priority you can still be mobile.
March 5, 2013 1:13 pm
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We’re taking our 21 month old to Japan for two weeks on Friday! It will be the first time in Asia for *all* of us and we can’t wait.
She’s traveled extensively in the US, even a coast-to-coast RT (with only 1 parent), but this is the first time we’ll use her passport. Travel is something my spouse and I always want to do more.
March 5, 2013 1:49 pm
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Thanks for all the comments! It’s nice to hear that people are in fact traveling with their young children, contrary to the cultural message that says, “You won’t go anywhere on vacation except Disney World for the next 18 years!”
March 5, 2013 6:57 pm
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I am the product of parents who didn’t stop traveling because they had me. Granted, there was just me (no siblings), but plane travel has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.
I was shocked when I discovered that my now-husband had been on a plane like twice by the time he was in his mid-20s. I make him fly fun places, and it’s interesting to see how differently we approach travel.
My two cents? Travel with your kids. It will make them more confident travelers as adults and more likely to go on adventures.
March 6, 2013 12:11 pm
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My parents travelled with five of us. Granted- when we were young and my parents were poor it wasn’t hotels and such, but damn if we didn’t have fun road tripping in the car. And we did big trips every year, as far back as I can remember (which would have made my youngest sibling not even a year old, and the second youngest barely two.). We also went to museums and plays from a young age. My parents made it clear how we were to behave in different situations and then packed us into the car. I loved all those trips- long and short!
March 6, 2013 3:30 pm
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i feel that it is important to take your children out into the world and experiance things. of course there is a time for everything. infants, toddlers, and elementary aged kids are very different things.
i think as adults sometimes we take for granted the things we know that you have to teach a child. from how to cross a street to how to navigate an airport. all important skills that you can’t learn stuck at home.
March 8, 2013 10:56 am
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As we ponder the baby question, I’ve looked for role models of the kind of parent I’d want to be, or at least examples to counter my fears. I’ve sought out stories of parents hiking the Pacific Crest Trail (2000+ miles, usually takes 5 months) with their 10 year old, taking their 1.5 year old to India, sailing around the world with their 3 kids, etc. I’ve loved hearing that people CAN and DO still do these things with kids. I may never hike the PCT, but it good to know that I CAN if I make it a priority (and get a bit lucky with the kid).
March 5, 2013 9:15 pm
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I definitely want kids, but dang, it is scary, isn’t it? I think I’m most concerned with doing everything I want to do with my husband before we have children (e.g., live abroad, which we are doing now), but that list is infinite. I can keep adding and adding things that seem impossible post-child, and if I think that way, I’ll never have kids, which is not what I want. So I guess my biggest fear is around regret: I don’t want to have a child and then regret not doing things I wanted to do as a childless person. Maybe this is simply a question of adjusting my attitude and deciding that regret is a useless emotion, etc., etc., but I’d be curious to hear how other women have dealt with this question.
March 5, 2013 9:55 am
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Or changing your attitude about what you can and cannot do with a child in tow – which I’m with you on.
March 5, 2013 10:25 am
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Along this line – were there things you planned on or did before getting pregnant that you knew you wanted to to beforehand? What were those? And are you glad you delayed pregnancy or otherwise made time for them? Or knowing what you know now, were those concerns overblown?
March 5, 2013 11:37 am
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I’d love to hear Meg’s answer to this (and other people’s too). I agree that it’s never going to be a perfect time to have kids, but surely there are better and worse times. If we start having kids during a scary (but awesome) career shift for me, will it throw me off my game? Or will it just be confusing (e.g., is this not working because of the baby, or because it wouldn’t have worked anyway)? Meg—did you wait? And how did you decide it was Time? (But I have to note that just thinking about starting to have kids has shifted me into gear on life goals in a positive way—I want to be the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be before I become such an important person in someone’s life.)
March 5, 2013 7:16 pm
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Yes! We’re currently planning extended vacations and other things that we want to experience before children because I’m terrified of regretting anything.
March 5, 2013 11:40 am
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I want to hear about how the new love that is created by baby interacts with, interferes with, complements, or contrasts with the old, pre-baby loves (i.e. partner, career, friends, hobbies, self). The cultural narrative about motherhood suggests to me that if/when I have a baby, my love for it will dwarf everything else. And perhaps I will no longer care about the things I love now. And it really scares me to think about losing contact with the parts of myself/my life that I love now.
So thank you, Maddie, for your desire to share your revelation about motherhood. It feels like a lifesaver for me right now.
March 5, 2013 9:56 am
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Speaking on behalf of no one but myself? That was one of the single biggest lies anyone ever told me before I had my kid. I love my kid’s tiny little face off, but it’s ONLY in addition to loving my husband and family and hobbies and such. I am still me in a shockingly unchanged way.
March 5, 2013 12:51 pm
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This was bollocks for me too. If anything, I have grown to love my husband more as I watch him with our 7 week old daughter.
And while we are here, I didn’t feel instant, overwhelming love for her the minute she was born. She felt like a stranger that I needed to get to know, but I have been enjoying getting to know her immensely.
March 5, 2013 2:32 pm
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The one that worries me: would I be a bad mother if I loved my husband more than my kid. Not that I can control who I love and to what degree, and obviously romantic and parental love are different … but so much pressure is placed on loving the baby “most”.
March 5, 2013 7:00 pm
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My friend cheerfully reports that his parents love each other way more than they love him and his brother. They’re constantly honeymooning off all over the globe. Personally, I can’t think of anything greater for a kid than knowing their parents loved each other so much!
March 6, 2013 3:51 am
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My biggest fears about having kids: Depression, anxiety, sleep deprivation.
I have depression and anxiety now. They’re generally well-controlled with medication. But I’m afraid that pregnancy and breastfeeding would mean I’d have to stop taking meds. And then, that I’d end up with a colicky baby (as I was, according to my mom) and be severely sleep deprived for months and months. And that the sleep deprivation and stress would pitch me right into a very, very bad mental-health place, where I wouldn’t be able to care for my child, care for myself, or sustain my marriage.
Relatedly, I’m afraid that when my child(ren) got a bit older, that I wouldn’t be able to handle their tantrums or misbehavior — that I wouldn’t be able to keep my temper and would verbally explode at them or God forbid, hit them.
In short, my deepest, darkest fear is that I would completely fail at handling the physical and mental stress of parenting.
March 5, 2013 9:57 am
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Quick answer: you don’t have to stop taking meds during pregnancy and breastfeeding. In fact, often you shouldn’t. Eff an interview with me for the facts, pick up the phone and make an appointment with your prescribing doctor today to talk it through.
March 5, 2013 10:32 am
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Second this! In addition to just getting the facts, your doctor might have suggestions about trying out a different med (depending on your treatment history), since some have been studied more extensively during pregnancy than others.
March 5, 2013 11:54 am
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Also, pull the actual studies. There is a lot of abundance of caution, and if something has happened EVER, it usually has to be listed as a risk. When you pull the study and find out it happened once, and no one knows if it was even med related, that can help you make a decision. Also, they’ll tell you things like “Risk of birth defects increases” and then you’ll pull the data and find that it increases alright… from, you know, 5% in the general population, to 5.5%.
March 5, 2013 12:13 pm
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Well, I’m not planning to get pregnant at the moment (have to finish grad school first), and am on birth control so it isn’t likely to happen by accident. But if/when we start trying to form babby (as it were), I will definitely have a long conversation with my primary-care doc, my psychiatrist, and my OB-GYN about mental health and meds and suchlike. Because yeah. You are totally right about that.
March 5, 2013 11:55 am
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Jessica Grouse over at Slate covers this in her really good series on prenatal depression. She makes the argument that if you have ever been gone into depression b/c of hormonal birth control (I have – I went suicidal crazy) you should be aware of it b/c hormonal birth control mimics pregnancy. That never occurred to me, so I am so glad to have read it before I get pregnant so I can watch out for it.
March 5, 2013 12:21 pm
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That’s actually medically correct, and not talked about enough. Risk factors are: bad emotional PMS, and a history of problems with hormonal birth control.
March 5, 2013 12:56 pm
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Ok, this is terrifying.
Hormonal birth control was not good for me, and I believe a primary factor in my suicidal depression as a teen. Obviously there were other factors: being a teen, divorced parents who did not get along at all with a crazy custody agreement which meant moving every two days, no friends (which was maybe a positive feedback loop with the depression), but I think that the birth control was a major factor. Also, my PMS is super emotional.
This is really upsetting and scary. I’ve gotten better and off meds, because they were also problematic for me, and never ever ever want to touch them again with a 10 foot pole, but I don’t want to be so depressed and dangerous to myself again either.
I’ll find Jessica Grouse’s article. Does anyone have suggested ideas on where to find more information on this? Are there ways to reduce risk if you know you are high risk in advance?
March 5, 2013 6:11 pm
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Caroline – I just plan to be very aware of it and do what works for me in my everyday life: eat well, exercise, get enough sleep. I also know my triggers (family conflict leads me to binge eat to avoid facing my emotions about the conflict – binge eating leads to depression/anxiety about getting fat). So now when I am upset about family conflict, I give myself permission to be upset about it, rather than self soothe/distract myself. It has taken years of talk therapy (and meds) to get here though.
I also plan to find a supportive doctor and work closely with her. I’m not opposed to taking antidepressants while pregnant if it gets bad.
Obviously it will be very personal to you, as long as you are aware of it and have a supportive doctor/family you’ll be ahead of the game (Grouse’s article talks about how little prenatal depression is covered and the stigma associated with it).
March 6, 2013 6:10 am
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Hi, Carrie–I am so totally and completely with you. We’re getting married in a few months and I know we’ll want to start a family in the next couple of years. I’ve been on medication for anxiety/panic attacks/vertigo for a while now, and, not surprisingly, it’s causing me a lot of anxiety to think about going off them for pregnancy and breastfeeding.
Even though I’m still a couple years out from even trying for a baby, I’m finding that talking with my counselor and my primary care physician/OB-GYN about this helps considerably. For me, having solid information about my options–and creating an actual written plan–helps combat the anxiety. And talking openly with my partner about how scared I am, and what I need, and how he can help. I wish you all the best, and please know that you’re far from alone as you think about these issues. Hugs to you!
March 5, 2013 1:40 pm
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Caroline – It’s ok to be scared but please know that a history of depression and problems with hormone birth control don’t mean you can’t have a pregnancy free of mental health issues – you just have to plan ahead and take care of yourself.
I’m pregnant and I have a LONG history of mental illness – including suicidal depression and multiple hospital stays. I was a mess on hormone birth control & couldn’t take it. But my pregnancy has been fine – mostly because I did a lot of research and was prepared to take extra special care of myself and my mental health.
I didn’t get pregnant until I was at a point in my life where I understood my mental illnesses REALLY WELL – not just what my “triggers” are, but how to prevent those triggers from ever coming up, and how to structure my life in such a way that triggers don’t actually trigger anything. My coping skills are phenomenal. I also made sure I had excellent support in place: a very understanding partner who knows exactly how to help me, a good therapist, a midwife who specializes in prenatal depression. I didn’t choose to take meds while pregnant, but I made sure I had tapered off them a full year before I started trying. If I had felt like taking meds would have helped me more, I would have seen a prenatal specialist who specializes in maternal psychiatric medication (these people do exist – maybe not in every town, but probably in most major cities).
When I started having some pregnancy depression I was careful to alert my various support people immediately; I immediately revved up my various healthy coping strategies; I made taking care of myself my #1 priority. In my case, this was enough to make the depression fade. If it comes back after delivery I will be similarly prepared to deal with it.
It hasn’t been scary for me at all. I know this is just one person’s experience, but I really believe being pre-disposed to mental health concerns is something to take into account but not something you have to be afraid of. Plan for, yes – but no different than the planning other moms with other medical concerns (like diabetes or kidney issues or heart issues) have to deal with. My best advice is to do what you need to do to feel confident about managing your depression NOW, before you are pregnant – if you go into pregnancy with confidence and with a clear knowledge of your needs, it helps tremendously.
March 6, 2013 10:10 am
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Dooce.com writes extensively about her decision not to get off her depression meds during her second pregnancy, if (after you talk to your doc!) you’re looking to hear about other people’s experiences with this.
March 5, 2013 10:35 am
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Here’s a blog about this topic: http://www.donotfaint.com/.
March 5, 2013 11:07 am
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My mom had and has paranoia, depression and anxiety issues. In hindsight she wasn’t always on top of it. There was a lot of screaming, which was particularly hard because our Dad traveled every other week or so. but you know what? We got through it. I not only survived, but have a wonderful relationship with my mom as an adult. Was it hard as a kid? Sure. Should it have been a deal breaker for when she was deciding to have us? Absolutely not. Kids are smart. They catch on. We could always separate one of mom’s episodes from our understanding of her love for us. And I don’t feel “messed up” or abused because of her hormonal issues.
March 6, 2013 8:29 am
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You might benefit from the book “Rebuild from Depression: A nutrient guide including depression in pregnancy and postpartum” by Amanda Rose. I haven’t read it yet, but I plan to. It seems to address just this concern and provide tools in addition to pharmaceutical ones. I have the same worry—history of depression, far from family/friend support, scared of getting PPD. But going in knowingly is better than being blindsided.
Also, it’s a great idea to do some counseling work and address things like how you handle intense emotions (anger, frustration, etc). Growth is always possible, and it’s admirable to be work for it!
March 6, 2013 5:18 pm
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I second an third and fourth this request! Already just reading the comments under this comment has been extremely useful for me.
March 7, 2013 2:50 pm
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First off- this is why APW is awesome. It’s like having a massive collection of awesome friends who give awesome advice about tricky life stuff. Love it.
I have three big fears about having kids:
1 – Are the first months really as horrible as TV makes it seem? Are you really only sleeping 2 hours a night and mostly delusional? At this point in my life I am a zombie with anything less than 5 hours of sleep. I usually need 9 hours to feel well-rested and fully functional. The lack of sleep issue really freaks me out!
2 – Is it really possible to have kids and excel at your job? My mom totally did, but she is amazing and the hardest working person I know. I’m not sure if I have that in me…
3 – How do/will you deal when your kids are mean to you? I interact with high school students a lot and it’s made me realize that teenagers are jerks. Looking back, I was definitely a humongous jerk. I’m so sensitive to people being upset with me…I can’t imagine how it would feel to have your child scream “I hate you!” or something along those lines. It is definitely the thing that scares me the most.
March 5, 2013 9:59 am
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For three, you definitely need to talk to someone with a child who can talk. My kid doesn’t know his feet are attached to him yet, so being mean is beyond his rather limited skill set ;)
March 5, 2013 10:34 am
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The lack of sleep thing is a HUGE fear for me, too! Both my husband and I tend to require a serious amount of sleep to be not crazy, and I worry a ton about how to make that work with a baby.
March 5, 2013 10:42 am
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Um, my kid is going to be 1 and he still doesn’t sleep through the night. I knew sleep deprivation would be hard but I kind of wish someone had candidly said that not all kids start magically sleeping at 4/6/8/however many months. Ours doesn’t, and trust me, it isn’t from lack of consistency/sleep training/sacrifices to pagan gods.
March 5, 2013 11:23 am
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I second 1 and 2 !! How do you work and think really hard about stuff when you are sleep deprived? My job is really hard on my brain even when it is well rested, and I see the side eye other women get in my field when they refer to themselves as having “pregnant brain” or “baby brain” or whatever and thats why they couldn’t do or understand x y or z. I don’t want that to be me! That is my biggest fear. That and how it just sucks being tired.
March 5, 2013 11:34 am
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Hi, I am So sorry I accidently hit “report” on my smartphone keyboard – I was trying to say “Exactly!”
March 5, 2013 12:24 pm
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APW – is it possible to swap the date/time of the post and the ‘report this comment’ tags, so that this happens less? Seems to be a common occurrence! Might help not to have the report function directly underneath the exactly button?
March 6, 2013 4:32 am
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I have also done this many times. Request seconded! :)
March 19, 2013 11:19 pm
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Me too! I am not a functional human being without sleep. I am also really, really grumpy. And mean. It is not good.
We are starting a “night nurse for future babies” savings fund- so we know that if it ever gets truly unbearable, we can pay someone else to take care of the baby and we can get some sleep.
I first realized this was an option when my co-worker and his husband were thinking about adopting a second baby while both continuing to work and he said “this time around, we’re hiring a night nurse. I’m not doing that again.” He was a great dad with their first kid- I figure if he can hire a night nurse and not feel guilty, I should get to do the same.
March 5, 2013 8:53 pm
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My fiance is very nocturnal, and his work from home supports that. I used to be very worried that he would have to make drastic changes to his sleep schedule once we have kids, but I recently realized that his schedule will better facilitate late night baby needs. He is cool with this arrangement, even though he knows that as our kids start to sleep through the night he will have to adjust to the rest of the family.
March 6, 2013 8:09 am
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I think this idea is GENIUS!
March 6, 2013 8:49 am
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Completely off topic but holy crap I got engaged at the waterfalls of the Catoctin Mountains so just seeing the name makes me squee a little bit and I semi wish you still lived near them as you seem like someone I would love to be friends with from doing a quick blog stalk.
March 6, 2013 9:48 am
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As far as question one goes, I am a soul who truly loves a good night’s sleep. I used to open at a coffee shop, so I was at work at 4:30 every morning and usually went to sleep at 8:30pm so I could get my full eight hours of rest. I had no idea how I was going to handle the lack of sleep with a newborn- it was probably one of my biggest fears about having an infant. Somehow, your body adapts and makes it work-they are kinda awesome like that. For me, I think all of the getting up to use the bathroom all night long/being so uncomfortably huge that I couldn’t sleep preconditioned me…only sleeping 2-3 hours at a time felt great after not sleeping at all. That’s not to say it’s a piece of cake, but you really can do it…promise! When I was really feeling the lack of sleep taking a toll, I would sleep when my son slept or call in reinforcements…but really, it is such a short phase and before you know it, your kiddo is stealing your morning cup of coffee.
March 5, 2013 10:52 am
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As for #3 – it is going to crush you, for a while. Sometimes your kids are going to say things that are just insensitive and some times they are going to say true things that aren’t meant to be mean but which will hurt you all the same, and sometimes they are going to purposely say mean things to you, usually to try to get some kind of reaction and justify how picked on they are feeling.
It helps to remember that they are still growing into human beings, and will be for a while. Feel lucky that you don’t have to deal with that sort of crippling insecurity and try to help them be more secure in themselves.
But man, if they’re mean to you after age 18, tell them to sit on a sharp stick. Ain’t no one got time for that.
March 5, 2013 12:03 pm
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#1 is why the rest of the world gets mat leave, honestly. The first few weeks were … torturous, and then things got better. But I was on mat leave so I could sleep the 2 am to 2 pm schedule my baby preferred, until I could slowly move her schedule to a more functional time.
But mine was mostly sleeping through the night by 4 months, only waking once or twice to feed (we’ll ignore a medical issue around 5 months that resulted in terrible sleep). It’s surprisingly easy to wake up, feed the kid for 15 minutes, and be asleep 5 minutes after that. You adapt.
ALSO: read Bringing Up Bebe. I totally cribbed our sleep training from there and it worked like a dream!
March 5, 2013 12:57 pm
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Ha! Cribbed. ISWYDT.
(I also liked that book. And it made me long for a creche-accepting and -supporting society.)
March 5, 2013 1:46 pm
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Blerg. For #1 I agree that your body does make some good adjustments. I was a 9 hours at night plus a nap kind of person. I worried too about sleep deprivation. Our little man doesn’t sleep well (and it seems to just keep getting worse – augh!) But, it’s okay!! I am tired and little less patient. I cry a little more than usual and can be cranky. I function though. I function well enough to teach 25 little 8 year olds and not loose my cool. For a few weeks after returning to work (I got 15 weeks leave), my husband and I got into terrible arguments every Thursday because I was too tired to be nice. Now I’ve adjusted (and he has too). No more fights, but there is a 9pm bedtime :)
March 5, 2013 4:44 pm
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1) The thing is you never know what kind of temperament your child is going to have and if they are going to be a good sleeper or not. My daughter was a rock-star sleeper for the first three months and then morphed into a baby who had “sleep challenges.” We tried “crying it out” for several weeks, several different times…and she would just cry until she vomited over and over again. So, I just sucked it up and just dealt with being woken up 5+ times a night to nurse.
What I was surprised with was how I adapted to my sleep being interrupted. It sucked but I survived. This had been my biggest fear while pregnant.
My secret to surviving was to take a nap. I certainly can get through a day without a nap, but, man….does it help to make life easier.
If you are working outside the home, maybe you can leave your child in day-care for an extra 1 1/2 hr, so you could go home and take a nap first. I’m sure there’s some way of you being able to work getting in a daily nap in your schedule.
While I was pregnant with my daughter, I worked at a Montessori Preschool. During my break time, I would high-tail it to my car and take a nap. Naps are amazing!
March 6, 2013 9:07 am
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I would love to hear about what changed within the marriage once she was pregnant and then once the baby was born. Did lazy tenancies become more pronounced or did her husband become more helpful? Did she feel a special connection with the pregnancy and baby that she felt like her husband wasn’t a part of? How did they make sure it was a connection the three of them shared together? What are some tips for balancing a healthy marriage and a new baby (from what she knows so far)? Also, how did she deal with fear during pregnancy? As in, “Holy shit can I (we) do this?” or “What if I fail?” or “What if I becoming too controlling of a wife/mother because I have all these ideas in my head of what I want to be like as a mother and what I want our family to be like and I never stop to listen to what my husband is saying/feeling or really look at the true dynamic of our family as it is?”
March 5, 2013 10:00 am
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It’s funny, I was at first excited about this thread then realized that all of my baby questions are related to gay parenting – will we spend so much money getting pregnant that we’ll cripple ourselves financially and wish we hadn’t done it? How will less supportive family react? What will travel look and feel like, especially if US laws don’t become more supportive nation wide? These other questions, more “normal” questions haven’t even arisen for me yet…
March 5, 2013 10:01 am
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But it does mean that if you guys like this, we should do it with a gay mom. APW has some pretty amazing gay mom wedding grad alums.
March 5, 2013 10:35 am
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YES PLEASE. (“Exactly!” wasn’t enough.)
March 5, 2013 10:47 am
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I could do some weighing in here, though my experience may not be representative of all queer moms :) Maybe Aly and I could co-author a piece? We cover a lot of ground between the two of us.
March 5, 2013 11:46 am
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PLEASE YES OK THANKS EMAIL ME EXCITED.
March 5, 2013 12:15 pm
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I have these same concerns!! I’m wailing at my partner almost daily “But if we have a baby now we’ll be poor forever!!!!!”
So, yes, I think financial concerns from gay and straight parents, but I would be very interested in hearing from a gay parent as well!
March 6, 2013 6:07 am
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Mine is about the FEAR. And how you handle it? And, not necessarily the fears expressed above about the decision itself, more the omigod what if something tragic happens, within your family or to your family, or, gods forbid, your child. What if baby isn’t born 100% healthy… What if i (we) just can’t handle that?! And, again, everyone is different, and life throws shit at you all the time, but man – this one kinda keeps me dithering.
March 5, 2013 10:07 am
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THIS! I’m a huge worrier, it’s in my nature. I worry about losing people close to me on a regular basis. I’m terrified that once I have a child, that fear and anxiety will be so overwhelming for this tiny human I’m responsible for, that it will totally cripple me.
March 5, 2013 11:20 am
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Ugh, accidentally reported instead of Exactly!ed
I have to admit these tendencies (and the fact that my mother is totally like that about me) are one of many, many reasons I am not planning on having children.
(Yes, I don’t know why I’m in this thread either.)
March 8, 2013 4:39 pm
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Agree, agree. I’m also a naturally anxious person and the thought of harm befalling my future children about paralyzes me with anxiety. That’s probably not normal? Or maybe it is?
March 5, 2013 1:58 pm
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My biggest fear relates to how my in-laws will treat out kids. I don’t know if I necessarily agree with the way they brought up my fiancee, and I’m terrified they’ll make some big snafu that will traumatize our kids for life. I don’t know how to begin discussions with “this is how we want out kid to be treated” and it’s getting to a point where the anxiety makes me wonder if I even want kids, for fear that someone else I can’t control will screw them up.
March 5, 2013 2:50 pm
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It’s scary putting someone you love into situations you can’t control. When the baby is a newborn, you would have to be trying to seriously screw them up. I am also fiercely protective of my son, and if someone tries to discipline or talk to him in a way I REALLY disagree with, I shut that shit DOWN. You’ll need to have discussions with the in-laws, esp if they were spankers and you don’t want to be, you’ll need to teach them how to do time-outs properly. If you are worried about leaving the kid with them, be sure you’ve invited them to your house so they can watch how you parent AND SEE FOR THEMSELVES THAT IT WORKS.
In the big picture though, your child is going to have to deal with assholes at some point, hopefully later, and hopefully not related to him. The best thing you can do is to teach them how to gracefully deal with awful people.
March 6, 2013 1:53 am
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God yes. My future mother in law has borderline personality disorder, so not only am I terrified of the genetics, but I am also fearful of exposing any future children to her. She was, and still is, very emotionally and verbally abusive to her own children. I have already made my fiance promise that she will never be left alone with any future children, and the thought of her interacting with them scares me half to death.
March 6, 2013 3:43 am
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I am in the “have always known I wanted kids” camp and have babysat for half my life, so my concerns are not so much about how to actually take care of a child. I am terrified — TERRIFIED — of the financial impact. How will we have enough money? Will we be able to buy a house, ever? How will we pay for daycare? How in God’s name will we ever save up to pay for college? What if we end up in credit card debt because there are medical issues to deal with? Will we ever be able to send the kids to camp or travel or will they spend their entire childhood feeling like a burden or poor?
tl;dr: money.
March 5, 2013 10:07 am
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This is also my fear and it really doesn’t help that my mother is constantly saying, with regards to having children, “there is never a right time and we all just found a way to make do with what we had so you will too!” My parents did not have much money at all during their kid-having (3! they afforded 3 kids!) period of their lives but they also did not have the type of significant and scary and constantly hanging-on debt that we have (student loans, ugh). They don’t quite understand the black hole that is student loan debt, and think that because it was for our education, it should eventually be just fine, and it shouldn’t hamper us from the children-having… but I can’t see any way that it won’t directly impact the children-having. And then, of course, there is the house buying (with a yard! for the future children who are not currently an option) and the college savings (maybe before we’ve paid off our own education??) and the enriching vacations that you mention that I worry about irrationally on a weekly basis.
So, in conclusion, I would love to hear discussions about the money! Not the actual money, because that’s not really the point, but the feelings around the money and the cost and being able to provide the things that the child needs and wants. I want to know how, in general, normal not-rich people get to a place where they take the risk financially of having a baby, and don’t see it as a risk or a calculation or a potential liability. And, I totally don’t expect this to happen in Meg’s interview since these are such personal questions :-).
March 5, 2013 10:30 am
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This actually makes me think we should do some… generational interviews, for lack of a better term. David and I graduated college in 02/03, and if you look at charts of student loan debt (there are better ones than this that go back further, but here is one I found), student loan debt started rising fast right after we graduated. So we’re sort of with Gen X (our real generation anyway) on that one. That makes me want to interview some younger parents just for that issue.
The other issues are still salent, though at the end of the day I think your mom is probably right. We don’t own a house, and I’m fine with that. At the end of the day it is what it is. You’re never going to be totally settled before you get married/ have a kid, unless you want to age right out of your fertility.
March 5, 2013 10:43 am
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My mom is always saying the exact opposite, to wait until it’s right, everything else is settled, and everything else is, as she puts it, “in the right place.” I’m convinced that isn’t an actual situation anyone ever finds themselves in, and I’ll be waiting forever!
March 5, 2013 10:43 am
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I’ve been thinking about a Reclaiming Wife post on this subject… I became a mother and the primary wage earner basically at the same time, and have been trying for the past year to hack my way through the emotional jungle of how it’s affected me. Consider this comment a reminder to myself that I should get on that…
March 5, 2013 10:50 am
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Please! I’m the primary breadwinner and hoping to have a baby next year. My husband is expressing interest in possibly staying home, which would make a lot of financial sense, but having sole responsibility for supporting our family is scary. I have a whole new appreciation of the pressure men must’ve been under for hundreds of years when it was expected that they would provide entirely for their family.
March 5, 2013 2:56 pm
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Yes, please x2! This will be our situation when/if we have kids, and it is TERRIFYING to me – would love to hear how others have navigated it.
March 6, 2013 4:57 am
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Oh man. Yes. Please write that post for me. On a slight tangent, I work in finance and my husband is a carpenter so I earn more and have access to benefits which puts me in the primary earner position.
However, he loves his work and I’ve been thinking about a big change since I’m getting burned out. Throw a baby into the mix and all these complicated feelings about doing what’s best for our hypothetical family financially vs. emotionally start to come up.
Should we put off trying until I figure out my career situation (how do I get a new job and then go on maternity leave right after?), or is preganancy one of those things you just have to go for before your window closes and it will work itself out?
It really stresses me out. However, this thread has helped me a lot today and I’m super-excited for Meg’s interview!
March 6, 2013 9:29 am
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This is where we are right now-slightly terrified over finances, so any conversion around that would be great. I am five months pregnant and we were trying for this, we knew that the costs would be a factor and were as prepared as we could be, but now that it is becoming more real, the actual numbers are a bit daunting. I’ve worked for a non-profit for the past 10 years-I have job stability, and a comfortable salary, but my husband is a first year NYC teacher and makes considerably less than I do. I’ve been the primary earner for our entire 11 years together, so this is nothing new, but adding $1,800/month daycare to the mix is pretty scary. People say we should leave NYC (and we live in an affordable neighborhood in an outer borough) but I won’t find a job that pays me nearly this well anywhere else, and we need that salary in order to cover the $780/month student loans (graduated in 02 for reference to Meg’s comment above). We don’t need to own a house any time soon, I just want to make it month to month without struggling once we factor in daycare. We’re budgeting, and saving, and I know we’ll make it work, I know we’ll figure it out, but it is still a very real concern.
March 5, 2013 12:20 pm
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YES! THIS! I am the oldest of 4 children and grew up in a family that always struggled financially. I recall going to WIC with my mom and using food stamps at the grocery store. We got a few new clothing items once per year and never an allowance. My parents were barely able to contribute anything to my college education. My mom says all these same things to me – that “it’s never a good time to have kids and you will find a way to make due.” I don’t want to just “make due.” I currently pay $750 a month toward student loans alone, which is already prohibitive toward having a wedding let alone a kid (I’m trying to finish paying them off in the next 3 years, by the time I’m 31, so that I can afford to have kids). My siblings and I turned out fine – great, even – but I don’t want to have to raise my kid(s) in the type of financial situation that my parents raised us in. What if I can’t pay my student loans off before I get too old to have kids? How can I afford to pay for day care, and school, and activities, and feed another person? My boyfriend and I can barely afford to take a road trip 6 hrs away to visit friends, let alone pay for a vacation with a kid, or heck, save for someone else’s college education (the cost of which seems to be ever-increasing, by the way).
The financial things TERRIFY me. I finally feel like I’m gaining financial control/stability in my life and I feel like having a kid is going to throw that all away…possibly for decades.
March 7, 2013 10:14 am
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I cannot “Exactly!” this comment enough, because the word TERRIFIED is precisely the word that pops into my head whenever I think of babies and money in the same sentence. I’m starting to reconcile myself to all the other big fears and feelings mentioned in these comments (key word: starting) but the money thing just seems like the boogie-man of baby-land at the moment for me.
I would definitely appreciate any talking about relationships with money when kids come into the picture! And I think Meg’s idea of a generational discussion about baby-money would be amazing!!!
March 5, 2013 11:16 am
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Exactly is not strong enough to express how much this scares me too. My mom was a teen-aged single parent who struggled financially my entire life (still does). I’ve done fine on my own but I do have massive student loan debt from law school (I’m talking 6 figures, and I’m not currently practicing law … go figure) that I’m afraid will hamper any baby-money-spending we may need to do. How do you plan for it or budget for it? Or do you just NOT plan for it but go with the flow and make it work as you need to?
March 5, 2013 11:59 am
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Just to let you know I’m there with you. Six figure debt from law school. Luckily I’m practicing and love my job, but it’s so daunting that daycare will cost the same as my student loans, which costs the same as my rent. How can we make this work?
The finances of it are so that it would *almost* make sense for my husband to stay home, but I am not sure how he would feel about that, and do not think he would want to.
March 5, 2013 12:15 pm
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Also, how much does it REALLY cost to have a newborn? I know daycare is expensive, but how much do you spend on necessities like clothes, diapers, wipes, etc.?
March 5, 2013 12:09 pm
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It’s funny, I really bought into this “There is a baby industrial complex! You don’t need the stuff!” idea, and then was sort of blindsided. Apparently, that means: you don’t need all the extra crap parents these days seem to buy. But our friends aren’t parents, so that wasn’t even on my radar. Turns out you DO need stuff. Kind of a lot of it. Like: clothes, bottles, diapers, a car you can fit a kid in probably, a car seat, etc. It is not, in fact, like wedding favors. SURPRISE! And thank god some friends with older kids jammed all this stuff I thought we didn’t need at us: like a bouncy seat and a baby bathtub. Ha. It’s the stuff I’m not sure we could have coped without.
However, I also find out people tend to come out of the woodwork to support you, regardless of if you “need” the help. Yeah. Accept all that help. You’re going to get REALLLLLLYYYYY good at accepting help, or you’re going to go REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYY crazy real fast. In my experience.
That’s not a specific answer to the question, which I’m sure Maddie will ask me. But it is some thoughts.
March 5, 2013 12:22 pm
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You absolutely need help. Period. End of story.
March 5, 2013 12:45 pm
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Some of us don’t get help from out of the woodwork. In fact, sometimes people crawl back into the woodwork after the baby shows up. Just sayin. A baby swing won’t bail on you. But I guess the motor can burn out.
March 6, 2013 8:22 am
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You can get a ton of stuff secondhand. A ton. Not sure where you live, but here in Chicago people practically give this stuff away for free. There’s Craigslist, Facebook groups, mom swaps, consignment sales, second-hand shops, not to mention hand-me-downs from friends and family, who can’t wait to get rid of stuff because children grow so fast and room is needed for more clothes, toys, and books. Formula companies hand out coupons like candy (if you’re formula feeding), clothing companies like Gap and Old Navy have huge sales, parent groups hand out freebies all the time. It’s almost overwhelming but once you get a handle on it, you can score a lot of stuff for cheap or free.
March 5, 2013 12:40 pm
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So true and worth pointing out. We don’t have hand me downs (for more than a few random items) which somehow you can feel badly about because everyone acts like you’re supposed to. But we pay full price for very little (heyyy Craigslist and consignment).
March 5, 2013 12:59 pm
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I actually live in Chicago, so that’s good to know. Thanks!
March 5, 2013 7:00 pm
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People will THROW their old baby stuff at you, if you stand still long enough. Like, by the car load. I’m not even kidding. And it doesn’t have to be close friend either – J’s crib came from one of my husband’s then coworker’s, who just wanted it out of his house.
March 5, 2013 1:03 pm
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If you’re concerned and have space you can start collecting now. When people know babies are planned in your future things get pushed in your direction. Even though I’m not pregnant, we’ve managed to accumulate a lot of “big” stuff, like a crib and stroller, just by listening to who is looking to get rid of things.
March 5, 2013 7:12 pm
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Newborns are not as spendy as I had originally thought. We took a plunge having our son who is 5 months old. We have mountains of student debt and are doing stuff on the cheap because we don’t make a ton of money. I have a line item in our monthly budget for Elo/Bjorn (dog/baby) that is $70 which thus far still has money left each month.
We breastfeed so that is free, thank goodness.
We do bumgenius 4.0 cloth which was $350 upfront cost with a negligible increase in our water/gas bill. We spend $14/mo on target disposables for at night.
Clothes, when they are really bitty you realistically won’t be spending much of anything because people love the little clothes. I am actually selling some of our 3 month and under clothes to pay for 6 mo. plus clothes.
We spent $400 on the nursery and utilized things we had, craigslist, ikea, etc.
People were generous with hand me downs and gifts so our total baby supplies purchases for Bjorn was about $300 (things like aspirators, millions of paci”s, bumbo, etc)
Bjorn’s toys are hand me downs, his feet or measuring spoons. He is 5 months and happy as a clam with that :)
I hope that helps!
March 5, 2013 1:16 pm
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Yeah, pretty much all our costs were up front. Other than daycare, we really don’t spend a ton on him. Diapers, wipes, occasional formula, done.
March 5, 2013 1:24 pm
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This might be the dumbest question ever, but do you know if daycares (generally) continue with cloth diapering if this is the parent(s) choice? Or do they insist on sending your child with disposable? Just a thought for me to consider, as we will need daycare by about 4 months.
March 5, 2013 1:36 pm
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That depends on the daycare. Definitely a question to ask when you are going on tours!
March 5, 2013 1:51 pm
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Amanda – My daycare was very open to cloth diapering. Each day I pack a large planet wise diaper bag with 5 clean diapers in the front pocket. During the day, they put the used diapers right back in there and I take them home to be cleaned.
It’s much easier than I anticipated and they were very open to it. Just ask, the daycare may surprise you.
March 5, 2013 2:12 pm
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It depends on the daycare. Mine does, except when H had a stomach bug a couple months back and they asked (very nicely) for disposables to use until she felt better. We thought that was genius and used them at home too, until she was back to normal.
March 5, 2013 2:15 pm
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Depends. Every daycare we looked at was open to cloth diapering. Which, you know, we thought we might do… till we landed it survival land ;)
March 5, 2013 4:43 pm
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Thanks ladies! So great to know that I might have the option to continue cloth diapering. That is – if we choose to start!
March 5, 2013 11:01 pm
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Our daycare is willing to do cloth, but right now, in the first weeks back? I decided that we’ll start her in disposables there and keep using cloth at home. Then later, when I have my life a little more organized, I can think about going over to cloth at the daycare. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing!
(And cloth is super awesome. And way, WAY easier than I feared. If you want to try it, go for it. Worse case scenario, you can sell them and make some of your money back.)
March 6, 2013 8:35 pm
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I would love to hear if anyone has similar struggles within their relationships with getting used to the “new normal” versus “getting back to normal”. My husband and I got pregnant (unplanned) a few weeks after getting married… Right now we have a beautiful, funny, challenging 7 month old baby girl and we have been married for a year and 5 months and we keep going back and forth with this struggle of “when will things get back to normal?” This can put stress on our new relationship (heck, it would be stressful even if we weren’t *newly* married).
I know many people talk about how “life doesn’t have to change” after you have kids, but as much as those people have been our role models, that just hasn’t been our experience. Anyways, I would love to read about anyone else’s struggles between “getting back to normal” versus “accepting the new normal” and how this is navigated in terms of people’s relationships.
March 5, 2013 10:08 am
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I want to know how to deal with the big, scary, finality that is motherhood.
Having kids scares me to death for a number of reasons (It’s the one area of my life I can’t plan with any kind of accuracy, it’s stressful,it’s expensive , it makes everything else harder) but the biggest reason is that once you’re a mom you’re never not a mom.
When I was engaged it helped me calm my “THE REST OF FOREVER IS A LONG ASS TIME” nerves just by knowning that if for some reason one of us went completely crazy, we could undo our union. Not that we would, or that it would be an easy option to take, but just knowing it was there was comforting to me.
Motherhood is really the only identity I can choose and I also can’t change.
I feel like there is this big wall between non-mom me and mom me and that once I cross it everything will look and feel different and that scares me.
March 5, 2013 10:10 am
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Phew! I know that Meg is hesitant to talk about this, but, let’s face it – the decision to have kids is an important part of wedding planning, and trying to figure out how to raise them is an important part of marriage and redefining your role as a wife. I had twins a year and a half ago, and I still realize daily that I don’t know what I’m doing.
Discussions/conversations/fears I would love to see:
- Daycare – because even though I have a solution now, what happens when that changes?
- Change in your relationship with your spouse, and sex (I know that’s too personal, but dude – it can be a big change!)
- Making the decision to continue to have grand adventures, even though you have a kid. (Because this is such a huge fear! “I have a baby, now I’ll never get to see the northern lights until they’re in college!”)
- Choosing to bring your baby into your public/blog life space, or not.
- Postpartum anxiety, and the fact that even though you have a baby now, you still have fear that you’re messing up every day… It can’t just be me, right? :)
March 5, 2013 10:12 am
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THANK YOU! I am 28, have been married for 1.5 years and my husband and I totally ambivalent about having kids. We both always wanted them, but the closer the decision to have them gets (i.e., as we get older), the less we want them/the more terrified we are.
I completely horrified by the idea of not having control over my body during/after pregnancy. Afraid it will change my wonderful partnership with my husband. Scared that my life will be completely different, and not in a good way. That I will be so hard on myself to be the “perfect” mother (this happens in basically every other area of my life) and will drive myself insane/be miserable.
I have really disliked the preparation phase of life for major events (marriage, home buying), so I’m really interested to hear about Meg’s experience being pregnant, especially because she has alluded to it being difficult. (possibly both physically and emotionally?).
Basically, any honest information you ladies want to share would be amazing! APW totally saved my sanity while wedding planning and I’d love to get some of that real talk regarding motherhood as well. Thanks so much for doing this post!
March 5, 2013 10:16 am
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Yes! I don’t really care to have bio kids and we don’t even know if we want kids at all at this point (we’re pretty young at 25 and 27). Hubs seems to feel that if we do decide to have kids, he would like at least one to be bio. That scares me so much. I’m pretty small and I’ve always had issues with anemia and other nutritionally-related goodies. As in, if I skip breakfast, I get weak and all spotty-eyed from standing up too fast. It’s no bueno.
I have a deep, deep fear that I physically cannot handle pregnancy. Of course, I see people in much worse health power through and have relatively healthy pregnancies. I mean, refugees have babies. Clearly, it can be done and logically, I know that I could do it if I just paid attention and took care of myself but I just lack any faith that my body can do it. I should probably just say no to pregnancy. Right? Right.
March 5, 2013 5:44 pm
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I’m in the same place! It seems like all we hear about pregnancy is how terrible it is, and how people almost die, even with our medical advances. And the only answer seems to be that it’s worth it for the baby. My thinking is: if it’s so terrible, and I might die, and there are millions of children already born who need me and who I can love unconditionally, why do it? Why not adopt?
March 6, 2013 8:39 am
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This is in no way meant to minimize other people’s experiences with rough pregnancies, and it may be a bit naive since I’m only 5 months in to my first, but to offer an alternate narrative about what pregnancy does to your body, so far for me it has been all to the good. This is probably in part because I’m being a bit more conscientious about what I eat and how much sleep I’m getting than I normally am, but I seriously feel better than I can ever remember, and I love not having my period (I typically have awful cramps and occasional vomiting for 2-3 days every month).
I’ve been anemic in the past, and the weirdest thing was that I was dealing with some pretty horrid but unexplained GI stuff before getting pregnant that completely went away when I got pregnant. My GI doctor actually shook her head laughing and said “Well, maybe you’ll just have to stay pregnant for the next 15 years!” (prompting a very nervous laugh from me…). All of this is just to say, I was not exactly a perfect physical specimen going into this.
I know that this is very much luck of the draw, but it’s not all short straws out there.
March 5, 2013 7:01 pm
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I’m struggling with the idea of “defining” myself right now – I hate to let a title define me. I’m not a mother yet, and I’m honestly scared to add that title to the list of ways I could potentially “define” myself. Does that make any sense? I’m not sure it does, but to expand upon that, right now I feel a bit conflicted between veteran/unemployed/homemaker/(stepmom??), and I really don’t want to BE any of those things. I just want to be ME. I guess I fear adding “mother” could change things. I do think it’s a legitimate fear, and reading all of the other comments, I know there are other people with similar thoughts.
I second (or fifth based on the current number of Exactlys) the fear of the financial impact. Apparently according to current statistics, for what they’re worth, it costs over $250,000 to raise a child – don’t make me quote a source because I don’t remember where I got that information. And then being torn between getting a new job and staying home with the kids – I just don’t know where to go.
Also, I feel that making a baby together is a WAY bigger commitment than getting married. That’s scary. Even if you were 100% secure in your decision to get married.
March 5, 2013 10:20 am
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Luckily, it does not cost $250,000 all at once. At least, if you have health insurance. You should SEE the itemized bill we got (and didn’t have to pay) for his birth. Holy shiiiiiiitttttttt.
March 5, 2013 10:47 am
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The $250,000-ish number is from the USDA. It covers just food, clothes, etc.
Of course, $14,000/year can be really scary, too.
March 5, 2013 11:18 am
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I feel like kids are kinda like weddings in the $$ regard… yes, it is going to cost you something for sure. But some people spend millions of dollars and some people spend … way, way less.
So far I have more clothes for my fetus than I own for myself. And I spent about $30 on some Threadless onesies that I couldn’t resist. The rest were all hand me downs.
March 5, 2013 11:36 am
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True, though see my comment on stuff above.
But daycare is daycare, and daycare ain’t cheap. It’s actually not nearly as expensive as I’d feared, but still. There are lots of expenditures that are less flexible, depending on your circumstances… unlike weddings.
March 5, 2013 12:24 pm
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True, there are definitely expenditures that are totally non-flexible. For a wedding, the only thing I can think of that is completely non-flexible is the marriage license, and I guess even that is flexible if you either don’t want or can’t have your marriage recognized by the state.
Side note, it really pisses me off when people say that breast feeding is “free.” As Hannah Rosin has pointed out, breast feeding is only “free,” if you think the mother’s time is worth nothing.
March 5, 2013 1:20 pm
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You know, I never thought of it that way. So true. SO TIME CONSUMING. Also, pumps sure as shit aren’t free.
March 5, 2013 1:26 pm
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With the new laws in place, breast pumps ARE free from some insurance companies (I’m talking double pump, electric — the “good” ones). If you think you might qualify (less about the mother “qualifying” and more about whether or not your insurance adheres to the laws), call your insurance company once, twice and then a third time, just to confirm all info you are receiving is the same in every call. Some people will be required to provide a prescription, others will not. Get those FREE PUMPS, ladies!!
March 5, 2013 1:40 pm
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Yeah, I had low supply & spent a *lot* on renting a hospital grade pump, plus literally hundreds of dollars on various herbs & pills in an attempt to increase my supply. Obviously that was my choice in response to a situation that doesn’t apply to everyone, but SO not free.
March 5, 2013 4:54 pm
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When it comes to breast pumps, 2013 is a good year to be having a baby:
http://www.npr.org/blogs/money/2013/01/29/170583430/episode-432-the-price-of-free-breast-pumps
March 5, 2013 7:07 pm
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Re: what Amanda (I can’t reply directly to you) said…
FREE PUMPS? WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?? I used to work at a health insurance company and I just wanted to cry every time I had to tell a new mother that we didn’t cover them.
March 5, 2013 7:28 pm
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@ItsyBitsy: I think in January for most companies; perhaps later in 2013 for those with different start dates for each plan year.
My insurance will cover the full cost of the Medela Pump In Style Advance that I plan to purchase after babe is born. In my instance, I cannot purchase ahead of time (ie. not before babe is born), but I can do so from the hospital baby center on the day of birth. It’s one less expense to worry about.
March 5, 2013 11:05 pm
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My questions would all be related to pregnancy! I’m definitely in the “always wanted kids camp,” babysat all the time, can’t wait to be a mother. But those 9 months of baking really freak me out – I think of myself as a bit of a wimp, so the idea of pushing another person out of my nether-region is wicked intimidating.
But then, do I really want the answers to this question? Some women I’ve talked to had great births (while they admitted it certainly didn’t tickle, overall they survived and lived to tell the tale) and others have absolutely horrifying stories.
March 5, 2013 10:20 am
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I’d like to second this question. I’m really scared of what pregnancy will do to my body. I’ve read about the obvious changes (like your boobs getting bigger), but I’ve also heard about non-obvious things like your feet getting bigger and staying that way permanently. What changes did your body go through? How has it bounced back (or not) since you gave birth?
March 5, 2013 12:20 pm
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If my feet get bigger and STAY THAT WAY I will cry. For two reasons: I love my current shoes collection and there is no way these size 10/11 monsters could get any bigger.
March 5, 2013 1:46 pm
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This was an article on Jezebel a couple days ago, and it scared me shitless. The more I learn about what happens to your body during pregnancy, the less appealing it sounds.
March 5, 2013 7:03 pm
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Same here. Maybe I’m vain, but I work hard on my body and I’m proud of the results. I’m terrified by the idea that pregnancy would permanently change me physically. Would my boobs be droopy and my stomach never quite as flat as it was? I’m not sure I would have the confidence to love my body after pregnancy.
March 5, 2013 7:25 pm
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The bounce back varies so much from person to person. Only 50% of people get stretch marks, which makes it seem like you have a 50-50 shot at stretch marks. Hint: not the case! If you got stretch marks on your boobs when they grew during puberty, or ever got stretch marks from weight gain, you will probably have stretch marks from pregnancy too. If you didn’t get big boobs overnight or have never gained weight quickly, the best indicator is to ask your mother or sister. Also, recoveries from c-sections are crazy different than recoveries from vaginal birth. I lost all my baby weight in 5 months or less ONLY by breastfeeding, no exercise. If you choose to use formula, you’ll just have to be careful with how much you are eating (one day you are growing a person inside you, so you need a lot of food. the next day you aren’t, so you don’t NEED the food but you definitely still WANT the food). Also, don’t use pregnancy as an excuse to eat a carton of Ben&Jerry’s every night after dinner and then be surprised that you gained way more weight than you expected. The less weight you gain, the less you’ll have to lose.
(My feet went from 8.5/9 to a 9/9.5. I was full term in May, so was only wearing flip-flops or no shoes at all, so idk if my feet were even bigger then. My boobs went up 2 cups for good, a welcome change for me)
March 6, 2013 2:14 am
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Epidurals. Love ‘em. I always thought they took the edge off. Nope, pain is completely gone. I felt pressure which is good because I didn’t want to be completely disconnected, but I wouldn’t say it hurt after the epidural. I know some women prefer natural births and more power to them, but I was in love with my epidural.
The thing I kept reminding myself of was that our bodies are literally built for this. Obviously some women have issues but biologically speaking, this is what we’re made for. It is amazing when you stop and think just what we can handle.
Also, weird connection to make but physically getting through labor was made *slightly* easier because we chose not to find out the sex of our baby. It really gave me something to look forward to and think about during the process.
March 6, 2013 1:16 pm
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How do you give up the things you’ve worked hard to obtain, for someone you haven’t even met? I put a lot of hard work into fixing physical problems, and setting up a not-baby-safe apartment. Maybe it sounds vain, but I don’t want pregnancy to wreck my body or a toddler to wreck my apartment.
Also, what if you don’t like kids? Don’t like holding babies? Don’t like playing (and never really have)? I sometimes feel like the dads in the old movies – where the wife/mother is disappointed the husband/father isn’t really interested in the baby, and the girlfriends are all, “Some men just don’t like babies. He’ll come around when she starts talking.” Except, I’m a woman.
March 5, 2013 10:24 am
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Dear Prudence wrote a thing once about how some *people* are not into nonverbal babies (mothers included) in which she said that, in her opinion, that is totally fine and does not disqualify you from parenthood because, as you point out, they eventually do talk. (And for the record, my mom is not silly and doesn’t do playing, and that did not stop me from bonding with her, even more so than with my dad, even when I was little.) That said, I completely share your fears! haha.
March 5, 2013 10:39 am
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This applies to me too. I’m very confident that I want kids. I’ve thought long and hard about it, my partner and I have discussed it extensively, and it’s definitely something we both want. That being said, I don’t really like spending time with other people’s kids, unless they belong to someone I’m really close to. I don’t really enjoy spending time with young children, I hated babysitting when I was young, I could never work with children, yet I want children of my own. Terrible idea? I would love to hear from parents who are in a similar situation – and hear how that’s worked out for them.
March 5, 2013 11:26 am
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My mom has also told me that she had this problem, and said hiring a babysitter to come and play with Barbies with me was a lifesaver. She was a wonderful mom and we are very close, but she was never into playing with me when I was little.
March 5, 2013 11:27 am
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I am the child of a stay-at-home mom so I share the fears of identity and work/life balance others have stated above.
In regards to your comment, I have realized as an adult that my mom does not particularly like children. She loves my sister and I fiercely and devoted her life to raising us, but she pretty much can’t stand other people’s kids. She doesn’t even like any of my cousins. I don’t think either of my grandmothers like children all that much either. I’m an elementary school teacher so I do love kids but I could take or leave babies, none of my own yet.
My point is that I don’t think you have to like kids all that much to love your own and be a good mother.
March 5, 2013 11:29 am
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I feel this too–I’m not generally a silly person and kids love silly. What makes me feel a little better is that my sister never was a silly person either, but she is great with her kids and is always singing silly songs and making silly faces with them and they just giggle with her constantly. That doesn’t mean I’m not still petrified of a hundred other things (money! identity! changing relationships! everything!), but I think I can handle silly…
March 5, 2013 11:47 am
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ha, i totally think of myself as a dad (apparently so do the kids, dresses and all – 1st kid called me “he” for a month, 3rd kid called me “daddy” for a week). personally, i recommend starting with ones that already talk. obviously choosing to foster (or adopt) is a more in-depth decision than that, but that was the easy decision for us. “no babies” was my caveat when i told her she’d talked me out of “no kids” =)
March 5, 2013 12:06 pm
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My kid’s a mobile 1 year old and we’ve barely baby proofed our entire house, minus 2 baby games and some plug covers. We’ve just been super diligent with the NO and redirection, to the point that the baby monitor that lives on the floor is so off limits to her that she doesn’t even seem to see it. She knows she can’t play with that pile of cords, or to climb that shelf. So, other than the occasional test of our resolve, she doesn’t. Babies CAN be trained, if you are willing to put in the effort (and have a kid who wants to please.)
March 5, 2013 1:10 pm
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I always say you need to house-proof your baby, not baby-proof your house. Esp bc you’ll be going places all the time that aren’t babyproofed, so your kind needs to know how to handle that. (We do have a childproof lock for the cabinet under the kitchen sink. No need to gamble there.)
March 6, 2013 2:23 am
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I’m extraordinarily ambivalent about wanting kids, leaning toward not (and my single life is not exactly pushing me toward kids anytime soon). A lot of my resistance is that I’m not a baby person. At all. Don’t think they’re cute, don’t want to hold them, don’t play with them. Nevertheless, I’ve realized two things:
1) kids who talk interest me way way more. Still not sure how I’d make it through several years of no talking and limited talking, but I don’t mind interacting with kids when words are involved. (Also, for the person above, I love teenagers, even with all their snarky meanness; I’ve often wondered if I could just take the kids for the teen years.)
2) A good friend who was also meh about kids just had a baby. Watching her parent has been far more thought-provoking, at a deep level, for me than anyone else. It’s really the first time I’ve thought that, under the right circumstances, kids, or maybe just a kid, could happen. I think I needed to see someone more like me have a baby and have it work and be excited for the baby even as she wasn’t super-duper excited about kids pre-baby or while pregnant. The enthusiasm of my other friends (as awesome as it was for them) couldn’t do that, because I know I don’t feel that way, so it never felt like a realistic model. Now I have that model, in someone who is not only totally blase about baby hype but also someone who is career-focused, and that’s been a good thing, I think.
March 5, 2013 2:28 pm
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I want to know: what are your biggest fears about choosing to have children?
Almost everything already mentioned!! At 40 I’m not even sure I can have a baby. I’m afraid of what infertility could possibly do to my marriage. I don’t have a burning desire to become a mother I can honestly say I’m indifferent. Does this mean maybe I’m not mommy-material? Will I lose my sex drive? Will I be too tired to do anything else after I have a baby?
I feel a certain amount of shame that I’m not making more money, more successful and won’t be able to give a baby All The Things that other moms my age can.
Can I parent a child after coming from a family where there’s been dysfunction and alcohol abuse? How will I know what ‘normal’ is?
What if I have a baby and don’t bond with it?
As a former morbidly obese person, what will happen to my body? Will I gain all my weight back and not be able to lose it?
March 5, 2013 10:32 am
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Moe,
I felt moved to reply to your comment. I know situations can be similar while being completely different, but speaking from my own experience as a grandchild of an alcoholic, it is something that can be dealt with via effort on your part. My mom and dad were able to give me and my siblings a very happy and supportive immediate family.
My mom did not want to raise her children as she was raised. She sought out help to deal with her childhood and her family. She read parenting books galore, went to counseling, Al-Anon… She and my dad never claimed to know everything about parenting, and my mom was honest with us regarding her background, especially when my sister and I were older.
When I was growing up, I would ask about the books dedicated to parenting that she was always reading, and she would tell me that she is always learning how to be a better parent. She also said that I should not raise my future children like she raised me and my siblings; I should read and learn as much as possible, perhaps incorporating how I was raised, but not necessarily doing so.
March 5, 2013 12:54 pm
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“Can I parent a child after coming from a family where there’s been dysfunction and alcohol abuse? How will I know what ‘normal’ is?”
This. This, this, this. I want to hear about this. I already clicked “exactly” but I can’t click it more than once.
If it helps (it did help me a little bit), I was having a conversation with a friend of mine whose mother did a fantastic job raising her, but whose grandfather molested all his children (including the mother who did a fantastic job raising my friend). You can break the cycle. I’d also recommend “Healing the Child Within” by Charles L. Whitfield.
March 5, 2013 2:59 pm
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I actually have a lot of questions about this. I’ve realized that I probably need to do a lot of work to heal/learn from the dysfunction of my family as a child (I’m an adult child of an alcoholic in recover), but I don’t even know where to start. I have the vaque idea it is vital for our marriage and for our family, but I don’t know where to start. My mom dragged me to a lot of AA meetings as a kid, so I’m kind of traumatized and really resistant to ACA or Al-Anon, but I have no idea what else to work on, or how to go about it. I’m trying to find a good therapist who specializes in adult children of alcoholics, but I’ve had so many BAD therapists and am scared about that.
March 5, 2013 6:30 pm
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I want to hear about Meg’s experience of the common problem Jessica Valenti talks about in WHY HAVE KIDS?–the myth of “parent and baby should be everything to each other,” so that parents feel both guilty about needing things other than to take care of the baby and jealous of and threatened by anyone else who can be important in the kid’s life–the one thing that would allow the baby to receive love and support while you pursue things of your own. Basically, is that a problem for you, why or why not, and how do you deal? This is my #1 fear about parenting (matched and balanced by my #1 fear of not parenting: that that will mean I am a selfish, stunted asshole who can’t give to others! yaaaay!), so I would love to hear anything about this–do you feel like you’re ignoring your own needs and then resent the baby for needing so much and “deserving” “more” than you? Do you not-neglect your own needs but then get the crazies about letting other people be important in the baby’s life? Why or why not, and how?
March 5, 2013 10:33 am
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As usual, APW hits the nail on the head in terms of choice of topic.
Currently, I am re-evaluating my role as a hopeful mom. I am 27, just started a great full time job in my career (after working for close to 3 years to get it,) and I have been married 8 months. My husband and I have talked on and off about having children, and we both knew before we wed that children would *hopefully* be part of our future, whether they’re bio, adopted, or foster. I’ve had abnormal paps off and on for the last 6 years (FUN!) and not being able to have children has been the focus of my anxiety since I started dating my husband. (Despite the fact that my GYN reassures me that, even if I needed a LEEP procedure in the future, I would still more than likely be able to have multiple, healthy pregnancies. What can I say? I have a lot of health anxiety thanks to HPV.)
The funny part with myself–that I have noticed since being married—I worry constantly that I am somehow pregnant; that if I were pregnant it would not be a convenient time, but then once I find out I am not pregnant, I find myself relieved and then GUILTY for being afraid of being pregnant, while still harboring the fear that I am infertile.
Basically, I am just worried about everything having to do with kids: money, timing, the emotional and spiritual development of my marriage, planning for college, mortgages/costs of rent, costs of everything rising………….this is all evidence to me that I am nowhere near ready or mature enough to care for another human being. And I am hoping that the day will come when I will find the courage to just do it, because deep down I want it. But I am afraid of everything that could go wrong.
March 5, 2013 10:34 am
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I’m scared that I’ll never feel financially secure enough to have a child–and I’m scared that if I have one before my career is well-established, I’ll never have the resources to build a career I love.
On the other hand, I’m scared that if I wait too long, I’ll never have a child at all!
March 5, 2013 10:36 am
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Babies are Not An Option right now, but…
I identify as “myself” when not PMS-ing and not sleep-deprived. I do not like “me” when hormonal and sleep-deprived. From what I gather, babies make you both hormonal and generally sleep-deprived. I know that you’re technically the same person pre-marriage and post-marriage, and the same person pre-baby and post-baby, but… when something messes with your hormones and your sleep, are you the same person? How do you cope with that? (ditto for hormonal or baby-related depression)
(also, I sometimes get around TMI by using anecdata from my pool of friends (and/or myself, when relevant); things like “most friends needed additional lubrication for post-baby for sex for a while, while a smaller number didn’t”, which gets around mental picture-ville and protects privacy to some degree? Not sure if this would be useful for anything that does require details to explain or not, though.)
March 5, 2013 10:40 am
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I’d like to hear about whether or not/how friendships changed during pregnancy and with baby. I know I had to work really hard when I got married to convince single friends that I wasn’t becoming an entirely different person who’d never want to hang out with them again and I worry about that same assumption happening if/when we decide to have kids, particularly since if we decide to go for it, I’d like to start around 28, 29, which Bay Area people treat practically like teen pregnancy. I’m worried that even if we don’t change fundamentally, people will treat us as though we have and that I’ll resent having to do the work of convincing everyone that no, really, we want to hang out and we really don’t want to talk about baby all the time!
March 5, 2013 10:42 am
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RIGHT? David and I feel like teen parents half the time at 31 and 32. That’s a weird urban-only problem, but I still haven’t figured out how to navigate socially when the parent with kids the same age is 15 years older than you. You want to relate UP to them, and you’re supposed to relate peer to peer, and it’s really strange. I know that’s not the answer to your question, but the problem is so unique to certain areas, and so baffling to me, who’s brand new to it.
March 5, 2013 10:52 am
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My concern is that I will FEEL like a teen parent (aka clueless) but everyone will look at me like “you’re 30, having a baby is normal for your age, so why are you freaking out?”
March 5, 2013 11:05 am
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Everyone’s clueless, so it’s fine. I have endless childcare experience, but it hardly helps with your own kid/ breastfeeding/ hormones, whatever. You just roll with it a lot of the time.
March 5, 2013 12:30 pm
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Yup, I feel like this in just about everything I do. Part of the problem is that I’ve always looked much younger than I am (still getting offered youth fare on buses at 26), and it really sucked in wedding planning when it was obvious that people were judging me for being a very young bride (especially since at 25, I was a fairly young bride for my region, so there was already a bit of guilt there). One random customer of mine who I’d never talked to before in my life told me “you’re way too young to get married.” I definitely sympathize on not feeling “old enough.”
March 5, 2013 12:42 pm
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I just want to elaborate on my *Exactly*. But, YES, THIS, EXACTLY. As a 28 year old new mom (my husband is 29) we do feel like teen parents most of the time. None of our close friends are having children – and don’t seem to be in any rush to. I live in Oakland, CA and joined an “new moms” group and was the youngest new mom by anywhere from 5-15 years (talk about life situation differences!) I think it is especially hard on my husband – where are all the “new dad” groups for cool “young” dads?
March 5, 2013 11:23 am
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We’re stuck in this weird place where half of our friends are having kids, and the other half are getting engaged. So we’re awkwardly in the middle, being already married but not wanting kids right away. It’s like being a teenager all over again.
March 5, 2013 12:48 pm
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In response to feeling like a teen mom, nothing is worse than a stranger asking if you are your own child’s AU PAIR at the playground. File this under things you should never ask a stranger.
March 5, 2013 11:29 am
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I (age 35) was asked if I was my kids’ (age 2 1/2 & 6 months) grandma. File in the same folder. It’s funny to read the Bay Area experiences, while in the Midwest, I’m definitely an Old Mom.
March 5, 2013 2:57 pm
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How do you find other parents to hang out with? I have friends in a range of ages, but the older ones either have grown kids or are childfree, and the ones my age or a bit older aren’t having kids now or ever. Assuming that things go according to plan (which is a big assumption), it looks like my wife and I will be the first parents in our immediate circle (which is small) and 5+ years behind some of our acquaintances that have small ones now. I… I don’t like a lot of people. I find it hard to make friends based on superficial similarities. Am I going to have to sit through playgroups and mommy meetings and try and find someone I would actually want to be friends with? Ack.
March 5, 2013 11:50 am
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I just didn’t. We met people through a birth class, which ended up being a great decision. It will change some later, but having a baby doesn’t mean I need a TON of friends with babies.
March 5, 2013 12:28 pm
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Personally, I barely have any friends that are parents. I have one. The belief that you “need” other parent friends is a myth. It’s been working pretty well for us… we can bring our kid along most of the time bc it’s fairly simple to accommodate one child (like if we can’t find a sitter, we’ll bring him with us and put him in bed at our friends house. Another time he came to a daytime bar party with us, and was totally eating up all the attention). If more of our friends had kids, doing things like this would be pretty hard. My biggest issue with having not-parent friends is that they tend to decide to get together for drinks 3 hours ahead of time, and sometimes we have to opt out bc we didn’t have a sitter (and sometimes we do an all-call on fb and find someone. It goes both ways)
March 5, 2013 12:34 pm
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Yeah, I have maybe one friend who has kids? Otherwise . . . I just don’t see the point. I’m not trying to make friends for my kid; I’m trying to make friends for me. So what do I care if they’ve reproduced?
March 5, 2013 1:55 pm
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Like you, Remy, I find it hard to make friends based on superficial similarities. That said, going through life changes together – pregnancy, postpartum, etc. – isn’t necessarily “superficial”. So – I’ve found it worth my time to yes, sit through mommy (to-be) meetings. You don’t have to click with *everyone*, but if you can click with just *one* other person, I think that just might be enough.
(Please someone exactly this so I know I’m on the right track!!)
March 5, 2013 1:49 pm
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Adding a new family member *is* a big life change, which is why I would love to spend time with others (that I like) who have done that recently. I do hope and expect to carry on friendships with my people who are not parents! I think I may have less in common with mothers who are expecting to or have given birth, at least while their children are very young. We might find kindred spirits in our pre-adoption classes/support groups, but the individual timelines can vary so much among families. Maybe I am expecting a sort of media-glossy symbiosis with the neighbor moms (who are…? maybe I will find them at the park or the library), and that is not the reality other urban parents actually live.
March 5, 2013 2:00 pm
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This please. Have any friendships changed in expected or unexpected ways?
March 5, 2013 10:53 am
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I’m curious about this, too. Though, from the other not-yet-ready-to-have-kids side.
I feel as though my husband and I will be all too willing to let the grandparents babysit so we can have a social life, but frankly, some parents will happily fall into that no-life parenting cliche. And I know our best friends are going to be those parents in 3 months. It’s just their personality (and I have a lot of history to back up my theory).
I don’t really know what my question is, but I know I’m very much mourning the loss of more time with them.
March 5, 2013 12:48 pm
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Yes!
Often women talk about their post birth bodies and sex after baby in really vague terms, like how it was all worth it, even if there where changes. I’d love to know the nitty gritty, from both moms who had C-sections and moms who had vaginal births. (Nitty gritty such as how did sex change, how did your vagina change, how did your body change, and how long was recovery, did any changes remain, etc.)
March 5, 2013 7:44 pm
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I gave birth vaginally, and the weirdest thing I had post-birth was being scared to poop. The nurses said I had to have one BM before I could be discharged from the hospital. I think it took me longer to push that BM out than it took for me to push out the baby. (The same muscles for pooping are used to give birth, so I don’t know if it was the muscle fatigue or the fear that made it take so long. Probably a combination of both. I thought I was going to poop my entire uterus out or something)
March 6, 2013 3:35 am
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Thankfully my nurse let me leave without having a BM! I just couldn’t relax in the hospital. It took my like 4 days to drink enough water and feel comfortable enough to relax enough to go. After the first time though, it was all back to normal.
March 6, 2013 11:28 am
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This is on the more selfish side of things…
I am *terrified* about the impact pregnancy will have on my body, both during an after. I struggle now, as is. It is literally the only thing that deeply concerns me about having children.
March 5, 2013 10:44 am
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Yes for me on this one too! Guess I have more fears than I thought. :)
I’m scared to death about what pregnancy will do to my body and I know part of that comes from witnessing my own mother never be happy with her post-children body but I really am petrified. What if I gain too much weight and can’t lose it after? What if I don’t gain enough and the baby is underweight/unhealthy? What will happen to my lady bits after going through the birthing process? Am I going to pee my pants every time I laugh or cough? Will I get stretch marks? Will they go away? Will things tear and stretch during labor only to never return to ‘normal’ afterwards? I’m 31 now, by the time I have kids I’ll be closer to 33 – will my body bounce back the way I want it to? Will I get postpartum depression? Will my brain function normally ever again? I know these are vain concerns but they are still concerns. How did you deal with the physical impact pregnancy has on the body/brain?
March 5, 2013 12:10 pm
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Not selfish at all. I think this is one of those practical considerations that each person should make before the decide to have kids. Lifestyle expectations are important, and I am learning this the hard way, after having been married for 8 months. The first few months we were married, I cooked for my husband and was probably too excited about cooking because we each gained some weight after our wedding. Sure, we are both young enough to the point where it might not matter now, but children enter the picture and it seems to become more important to maintain a healthy lifestyle to be able to have the energy to meet a child’s needs.
Part of the health concerns have to do with weight gain, and I have a bad feeling that I will struggle with weight after pregnancy since I have struggled with my weight for more than half my life.
March 5, 2013 3:27 pm
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Since we talk so much about feminism and marriage I would love to hear your take on feminism as a new mom. For example, my fiancee and I have, what I feel, is a relationship which I am proud of as a feminist. He wants to see my career excel and I his. In fact, right now I am the breadwinner and I feel very supported in this role. (Not that it is the only way to be a feminist but as we are both attorneys and since law has a horrible record for equal pay, I think it is pretty cool) Around the house we have also divided up the labor in a way that works for us. I still cook dinner every night because I get home a little early, but he washes the dishes, etc. Essentially, we have a balance to our careers and our obligations at home that is what I always felt was lacking in my parents marriage. I am terrified that when we have a baby all that will go out the window.
March 5, 2013 10:46 am
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Do I want to talk about this? YES. (Hint: my answer isn’t doom and gloom.)
March 5, 2013 10:54 am
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I second this one–I am 11 weeks pregnant right now, and the thing I am most worried about is failing to give my husband enough space to parent in his own way, even if his way is different than how I would do it. I can see how that could result in me taking over more and more responsibility for caring for our child and how that would lead me to resent him (and him me). This is a weird analogy but I felt it a little when we were decorating our house–it was almost a feeling of being affronted because he had opinions about things that were supposed to be my “territory” and also feeling like I should have the tie breaking vote because people would judge me, not him, for the way our home looked. I feel like I will struggle with that a lot once the baby is here.
March 5, 2013 11:32 am
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ThisThisThis!! Not giving my partner space to do things his way worries me.
March 5, 2013 11:49 am
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Yes on the judging me rather than him for ridiculous things. I mean, some people judge the wife rather than the husband for *what the husband wears*! I would imagine baby-related stuff being similar.
March 5, 2013 12:19 pm
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My husband (we have 2 kids: ages 2 1/2 & 7 months) just had a discussion (stemming from a misunderstanding) about this the other week. So I try to be really aware of not telling him how to parent, and sometimes *really* bite my tongue while reminding myself that we are on the same team. I think being aware of it as a potential problem is half the battle. And honestly, my husband’s pretty fantastic at parenting, and I learn better ways of parenting (and sometimes just *different* ways) by watching him. The take-home from our misunderstanding/discussion was that I am never quite sure when telling him how I do things is helpful vs me being bossy/not respecting his method. On his part, he (who works 60 hour weeks while I’m home full-time) feels like a “part-time parent” (his words) compared to me, and so is somewhat insecure and sometimes feels like an outsider in our family dynamic. I think that both of us being aware of the other’s perspective has helped a lot. For big things where we need to agree (sleep-training, for example), we discuss it and problem-solve together, and re-evaluate if it doesn’t work. We both know that we’re making it up as we go, which also helps reduce blame if something doesn’t work.
March 5, 2013 3:17 pm
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My question totally relates to this general topic. My mother was a stay-at-home mom, and she was fantastic at it. A lot of my ideas about how I want to be a mom stem from the ways I was mothered, and I have spent a lot of time over the years developing strong ideas about how I want to parent my kids.
However, I am coming to realize that the way I imagine parenthood may not really be the way it works out. I am a lawyer who works crazy hours. My husband is a music teacher with a more flexible schedule. Through many discussions we have both come to realize that he will most likely be the one taking on a lot of primary parenting responsibilities, and he completely supports me in pursuing my career. So I guess the thing that scares me about becoming a parent is learning how to let go of the “vision” I had for parenthood and accepting reality. Also, learning that if I am not going to be the more at-home parent, I can’t and shouldn’t dictate to my husband how I think he should parent. But rather must trust his choices and let go of some of my naive pre-children theories on parenting.
How did the reality of parenting match up to your expectations? Or perhaps more importantly, when you have to rely on others, whether your husband or paid help to care for your child(ren), how do you learn to trust their judgment and not become a backseat parent, second guessing decisions or being too bossy/helpful?
March 14, 2013 11:11 am
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Also, if you’re up to sharing, I’d love to hear what it’s like logistically with a new baby. How do you split up chores and duties, especially when you may be breastfeeding, which only one person can do? Did you and David talk about it beforehand, or take things as they came?
March 5, 2013 11:48 am
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Other people have already asked questions I am interested in, but I also want to add one plea! I think a video is a great idea for this, but please please caption it! You’ve got deaf readers on apw, I know because I’m one of them! I’d hate to miss out on this interview – I’m so looking forward to it.
March 5, 2013 10:46 am
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An interesting reminder for video in general. I wonder if there is a program that will caption for you… hum.
March 5, 2013 10:54 am
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Or a transcript? Also good for those who will want to read/watch at work (like I used to) and can’t have the video on.
March 5, 2013 11:10 am
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The staff has my email, and I’d love to transcribe it for you guys. I’ve got some prior experience.
March 5, 2013 3:37 pm
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If there is video, I vote for a transcript strictly for convenience…Although the accessibility point is also a very good one.
March 5, 2013 9:15 pm
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I think Camtasia may have captioning capabilities — although you might have to manually type it in.
March 5, 2013 11:34 am
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Here are captioning options:
http://support.google.com/youtube/bin/answer.py?hl=en&answer=100076&topic=16632&ctx=topic
March 5, 2013 12:11 pm
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In addition to this: http://support.google.com/youtube/bin/static.py?hl=en&guide=2734661&page=guide.cs
YouTube will automatically attempt to caption your videos, but you do have to edit to get it all correct.
March 5, 2013 12:13 pm
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Ooo, good point. If it were possible to do both video & transcript, I think that would be great.
March 5, 2013 11:42 am
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Yes! Also, apparently we need a Deaf on APW group. Everyone on Facebook? Do you all like that idea?
March 5, 2013 1:12 pm
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In the words of the Dowager Countess on Downton Abbey, I would like to hear Meg’s thoughts about the “on-and-on-ness” of parenthood.
As someone who can definitely get overwhelmed by too much socializing and likes to have plenty of alone time to read/cook/relax/whatever, I’m terrified of the early stages of parenthood when your child needs/wants your attention 24/7.
March 5, 2013 10:57 am
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I need to point out, the Dowanger Countess was referring to the hour a day she saw her children when their governess presented them.
AKA, you need help in some form. Even if you don’t have a governess (damn!). It really does take a village.
March 5, 2013 12:32 pm
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BABIES SLEEP! A lot! They sleep for many hours of the day, even if they are inconvenient hours. A newborn sleeps for like 18 hours a day. There is a surprising amount of time where you can take a shower or read a book or whatever.
March 5, 2013 1:17 pm
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I wish I was still in Cowtown (I think that’s where you are, Morgan?), because we could be great friends. I love your philosophy and insight and practical approaches to parenthood. Le sigh.
March 5, 2013 1:52 pm
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Aww, I wish you were still here too. It’s hard to make new friends in this town. (I say this as a lifer.)
March 5, 2013 4:51 pm
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I’m in Cowtown! Well, work takes me to “Stabmonton” and sometimes to Red Deer as well, but yeah, mostly Calgary.
March 6, 2013 10:42 pm
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On the flip side of this coin, though, babies can go through their clingy phase as well. When my daughter hit about 4 months, she was personable and pleasant and quiet . . . so long as she was bouncing on your lap or you were holding her. Otherwise, she wanted you to sense her displeasure . .. loudly. There were definitely days when I didn’t get to have a shower or even check the mail because she just wouldn’t let me put her down for even a second.
Thankfully, it was only a 2 month period, but DAMN.
March 5, 2013 1:59 pm
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I heard this a lot when I wad pregnant. I need to pipe in and say that it’s not true for every baby. I ended up with a fussy baby that didn’t like to sleep and needed to be held constantly. Now at 3 months she’s becoming slightly more flexible, but I was angry and confused and depressed for weeks because I had the expectation of having free time when the baby was sleeping and instead I had a barnacle baby attached to me 24/7.
March 5, 2013 5:54 pm
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This is something that threw me, and I wasn’t expecting it. The physicality of having a newborn that breastfeeding for 6-7 hours a day and refuses to sleep anywhere but in your arms is full on. Especially for a summer baby. For me it was one of the hardest things but new parenthood, and I didn’t expect it at all.
March 5, 2013 2:57 pm
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Beyond the questions already asked, my biggest concern is this: did your relationship with your own mother change during pregnancy and post-birth? If so, how?
Mostly, I feel a lot of pressure from my own mother to be her “perfect” eldest daughter. I struggle with it a lot – particularly during the lead up to our wedding a few years ago. I work hard, enjoy my job, love my husband – but because I have different priorities from my own mother (i.e. my mom was a stay at home mom and had all her children before the age I am now), I always feel like I’m not good enough for her.
I know that my mom desperately wants grandchildren. I am worried that when the time comes, I won’t have room and space to grow the ways I need to in order to be a mother myself.
March 5, 2013 11:00 am
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I have a similar fear. My mom did not go to grad school (I did) and she stayed at home with us until we were complete grown-ups. I am grateful to her, but I feel like I will really fail/disappoint her if I decide to be a working mom. I feel similar pressure and it is a somewhat difficult situation.
March 5, 2013 11:09 am
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I second this!
I would love to see a post about dealing with pressure from parents ( or in laws) to make certain parenting decisions – my mom was also a stay at home mom, expects me to stay home, and has a more conservative world view generally… I would love to see a post about setting boundaries with family, when they are pushing certain choices and values that go against mine and my fiancee’s
March 5, 2013 1:17 pm
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Agreed.
On the other side of the coin, as much as I love my career, the cost of child care would literally cancel out my income (quite literally…I don’t make tons of money but I do make a decent salary, and here in Denver, child care is outrageous.) I do not necessarily want to give up my job, but on the other hand, my practical/financial side seems to think that staying home at least part-time might make sense from a money end, especially during those first years, although I suppose this is the more ‘traditional’ or ‘conservative’ way to go about it.
I have no answers, but I can also speak to the pressure from in-laws and how difficult that can be. My mother in law and father in law are great people and are hands-off—-it’s my sister in law who won’t stop asking.
For me, personally, the ‘answer’ is remember that I have my own life and my own path, and me and my husband need to do what is right for us, at the right time, for the right reasons. Those reasons are different for everyone, and that’s the point. We are all different and so our choices in life will differ from those of our peers.
March 5, 2013 3:39 pm
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On childcare costs v. salary, it seems important to place it within the family income/budget as a whole, not as one person’s salary but as a percentage of the team salary. Economists and sociologists have shown that staying in jobs, even when the childcare costs are high, is beneficial for future earnings. So IF it’s primarily a financial calculation, it seems important to think long-term, not just vis a vis present salary.
March 5, 2013 6:57 pm
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Great point. Hadn’t thought of that. :) Thanks!
March 5, 2013 8:11 pm
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Future earnings! Definitely a thing! Also, tax-protected vehicles for retirement savings- also worth $$s.
What I mean is, Exactly! But more words.
March 5, 2013 9:21 pm
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I know you say that daycare might cancel out your income, but if are sort of wanting to work here is another way to look at it… Just because your income completely goes to daycare you are still probably getting benefits besides that paycheck: 401k contributions with matches maybe, you are building seniority in your company, you are building income (if you quit for a few years you might be able to come back at the same salary, but now you’ve lost out on any raises). In my business if i left for a few years i could never come back. It’s a dying industry, and i’m lucky to have the job i have and make the small amount i do.
March 6, 2013 9:25 am
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I’m currently 5 months pregnant and in the middle of all this. My biggest fear is being myself after the baby. I don’t at all feel like myself right now because hormones, and i am terrified that won’t get better. I went through this 2 years ago with wedding planning and getting married. Everyone i knew warned me how much i would change after marriage (I didn’t). I am still exactly who i was, now with matching husband! This baby thing seems to come with far more dire warnings and along with my hormone load right now, I am terrified I will never feel like myself, will never want to go back to work (I love my job, it’s a very important part of who i am), will never get my regular sex life back, and will start to hate my husband. I think this would be a valuable discussion, especially here since it aligns so well with the types of fears that come with other major life changes (hello weddings).
March 5, 2013 11:10 am
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First of all, thank you to Meg for opening up to talk about this subject. You rock!
I second the questions about depression/anxiety, and wonder if you know anyone who has had any experience with being pregnant and having a chronic illness?
Also, any ideas on what to do if you really don’t want either your mother or your mother-in-law to take care of your children, even when they’re close enough to do it, because you feel they are irresponsible and bad influences? This is essentially a question about boundaries and putting them down with difficult family members. Also, is there a point at which you say, “Screw it, it’s only a couple of hours, let her watch the baby” and hope everything is okay?
Also, do people come out of the woodwork to tell you how to parent, much like they tell you how to have a wedding? If so, how do you stay sane?
March 5, 2013 11:11 am
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Please, please please please, any advice on pregnancy and chronic illness would be adored, peanut gallery. I know it differs by condition, but every time I hear a healthy pregnant woman say she’s never felt so awful in her life, I get so scared that I was to throw up a little.
March 5, 2013 11:30 am
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I don’t have much in the way of advise – every situation/every illness/every pregnancy is different, but as a person with a chronic autoimmune disorder being pregnant was THE only time I wasn’t sick – weird backwards pregnancy hormone business. That’s not to say that I didn’t have the regular pregnancy stuff (morning sickness, acid reflux, etc), but no autoimmune disorder for 9 months (and two months post pregnancy). Biology is funny stuff.
March 5, 2013 11:47 am
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My doctor actually just told me this could be the case for me too (a neurological disorder), but I think I don’t totally believe it’s possible, given how crappy regular women seem to feel. Without supposing to understand how other people feel or judging anyone’s pain, did you feel like the regular pregnancy stuff was easier to deal with because it was “normal” and expected? I guess this is my hope.
March 5, 2013 11:50 am
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There is a theory (only a theory!) that the human body is not biologically made to flourish in healthy environments. It wants to be able to attack things – that is why we have awesome autoimmune systems and crazy good digestion. But when there’s nothing to attack, the body turns in on itself. Ordinarily healthy people develop asthma, autoimmune problems, chrohn’s, you name it.
There is a sub-theory to this that says that babies are, to put it kindly, the perfect parasite. I mean, they steal all your body’s resources, right? So some people think that if you are a person who suffers from what we will call “body attacking diseases,” you’ll actually have an easy-ish pregnancy, because your body sees that something else is already attacking you and everything goes harmonious again.
Now, that could also be a giant pail of horseshit. I haven’t done a lot of research into it. I do like thinking of fetuses as giant wormy parasites though.
March 5, 2013 12:15 pm
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Was two months post-pregnancy “enough” to get through the worst of recovery/transition? The whole caring-for-a-tiny-human-being-while-sick thing seems pretty scary (although obviously would be different depending on the levels of illness and the amount of available support).
March 5, 2013 12:27 pm
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Um, I don’t if I could say it was enough time to get through all of the transition. I mean, I was physically “recovered” from birth, and was lucky enough to have an uncomplicated, vaginal birth that required minimal healing time… But, having a chronic illness does make it harder in some ways to have a baby. Everyone is different, but in my situation, I have severe back pain and it can take up to 15 minutes to move between 2-6 in the morning because of inflammation in my spine… now at 2 months post pregnancy this did make it difficult to get up in the middle of the night when the baby is awake – needing to be fed, changed, rocked. My husband and I had to sort out a routine for us that worked.
March 5, 2013 2:39 pm
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I do have an autoimmune issue, and they do vanish in pregnancy usually. Your immune system has to tamp down so it doesn’t eat the baby. Thus far mine hasn’t come back, which apparently is common.
However, no, regular pregnancy stuff wasn’t easier. It was totally different (TOTALLY different) and blindsiding.
March 5, 2013 12:35 pm
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Lactose-intolerance isn’t like, a disease or anything, but mine went away for my entire pregnancy and took about 9 months to slowly come back after the baby was born. I loved being pregnant, even with the heartburn and such. (Which I “cured” with ice cream.)
It was great. I’m almost willing to get pregnant again just to eat cheesecake.
March 5, 2013 1:20 pm
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My pregnancy “cured” my allergy to raw carrots and apples. I can still eat them now, 22 months postpartum. Weird.
March 5, 2013 9:27 pm
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Thanks for all of these answers, you guys. It’s good to hear, as no one seems to talk about this side of pregnancy. Meg, I especially appreciate hearing about the emotional relationship between the two kinds of pain/illness.
March 5, 2013 2:25 pm
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I have colitis and it really worries me. I have a hard time making sure my body is taking in enough nutrients growing a human terrifies me. Can anyone speak to being pregnant with a gastro issue?
March 5, 2013 7:26 pm
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Anon – I spoke to this briefly above. I was severely anemic a year ago and I had some weird GI stuff start up last spring. Lots of abdominal pain that would come on in the middle of the night and would basically prevent me from sleeping for the rest of the night. I had just found a doctor I liked (I was also relocating in the midst of this) and we had eliminated some of the more scary possibilities, but I didn’t have an official diagnosis yet, and then I got pregnant in October. The GI stuff immediately went away and so far (five months in to pregnancy) has not come back. Also my vitamin levels had gotten much better with vitamin supplements. I wasn’t entirely planning on getting pregnant when I did, mostly because my body felt so broken and I’d heard so many horror stories about pregnancy that I was sure I would completely collapse. It was quite the opposite. Obviously I feel really lucky about how pregnancy has affected me, but I honestly don’t think I could have done anything physically better for myself.
March 6, 2013 5:48 am
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I would love to hear about having your own business and having a new baby. As a small business owner myself – this idea scares me the most. I dont have anyone who can do my work for me. How do you balance it all..
My other concern f course is doing things “out of order.” My husband and I rent our apartment as we are saving for a house… but we just havent even decided on where to put down roots.
March 5, 2013 11:11 am
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As much as I’d love a video (because we’d get to see your pretty faces!), I’ve always done better with written articles.
Also, as someone who works from home, I want to know how you made the decision to daycare? Are you doing full-time daycare? And how did you balance work & maternity leave? Because we all know you still did some work :)
March 5, 2013 11:13 am
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As a new mom myself (my daughter is two and a half months old), I’m interested in Meg’s general thoughts and experience thus far. For those who brought up keeping your own identity once you become a mother and just dealing with the newness of it all, you might find this blog post interesting. I loved it and found it to be pretty spot on.
http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/
March 5, 2013 11:20 am
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I read that blog post, and it scared me so badly. Is it really like that? How do you possibly cope?
March 5, 2013 8:00 pm
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It was not like that for me. I definitely did stay up watching her breathe (it was so fascinating) many times when I should have joined the nap.
March 5, 2013 10:27 pm
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Oh I don’t know it seems a bit overblown to me. I think it should come with a “your mileage may vary” disclaimer. SOME women feel like this, SOME women do not (like me). My whole identity didn’t die because I had a baby (who is now 2 and 1/2).
March 6, 2013 9:02 am
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I thought the author made some great points, though I don’t feel exactly the same in every way. Experiences obviously vary person to person. I just liked her honesty. But even though I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember, now being a mom is sort of surreal.
March 6, 2013 9:54 am
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I am loving that blog, thanks!
March 6, 2013 8:38 pm
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Yessss. I’m in the phase where I see a baby and I WANT ONE NOW but I realistly want to wait a few years until I have just a little more of my shit together. So I love reading/researching baby stuff.
I’m interested in the health (physical/mental) stuff.
Partum depression; I was terrified to find out that exists & shocked I didn’t already realize it was there. You only ever hear about postpartum. How to treat it? Are there ways help avoid getting it?
Doulas; How to find a good one. Are they helpful?
Eating placenta capsules; thoughts on it?
Body change: What REALLY happens to your body? Chewed up nipples from breastfeeding, vagina stuff, excess skin, gaining weight, losing weight, tiredness, etc…
Obviously not asking for Meg’s specific experiences with these, but maybe positive/realistic/healthy references (books/articles) that she found helpful?
March 5, 2013 11:26 am
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Because we won’t get to this in an interview:
1) You can’t prevent getting it, but you can watch for it, particularly if you have a history of depression. It’s treated with therapy, and meds as needed, same as post partum.
2) Our Doula was SUPER great in terms of providing support for David. That’s why we hired her. He was my support, and I really wanted to know that he was going to have someone to support him. It’s a damn hard job that he had. My labor was so fast and hard I barely remember her being there, but it was great for me personally that she kept a record of my labor, with notes, which I really wanted, it turns out. Interesting to note: Doula’s work on sliding scales down to free very regularly, so everyone can afford one (at least in the bay area). Also, for the record, I’m not very hippy, and I ended up having a lot of interventions for reasons far outside my control. Our Doula was great with that.
3) There is lots of debate on this, other people will have different opinions. However, with serious depression, I can tell you right now this is not going to TOUCH it. Also, I think it’s horrid (with a kind hat tip to APWers that disagree with me and did it). The placenta has your child’s DNA. No, no, no.
4) It changes, it wasn’t generally as bad as I expected. I’ll let other people who are less private or more anonymous weigh in more.
March 5, 2013 12:42 pm
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Re #2: Right?!? I had an unmedicated (by choice & good luck), vaginal delivery with 3rd degree tears, and would choose that over my husband’s job of determining whether or not my calls for an epidural were for real, or just part of transition–being relatively powerless for the most part and aware of everything going on– in a heartbeat. A heartbeat. I’ve not heard anyone else express how hard the partner’s job is before.
Re #4: Aside from tearing (treated with stitches, and *for me*, no complications), my body is no worse for the wear. And interestingly (to me, anyway), as a plus-size person, I’ve never had a better body image than when I was pregnant. For me, it was like my body *finally* looked like it’s “supposed to.”
March 5, 2013 3:35 pm
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#2: I’d literally rather be me than him. Sure, I was in pain and screaming and such… but I was so IN IT that I didn’t have to emotionally process it. And besides, I remember it all through a haze, he does not. The support role is no joke. And you must feel so helpless.
March 5, 2013 4:47 pm
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I’ve never heard anything negative about consuming the placenta, except for the psychological ick factor. It seems the benefits can be significant. In capsule form, it seems easy to forget about. Many traditional cultures have been practicing this for millenia. I’m definitely doing this! From the reading I’ve done, it seems to be nature’s design to replenish the body and help balance our hormones.
I found this very helpful:
http://www.passionatehomemaking.com/2011/10/the-benefits-of-placenta-encapsulation-for-postpartum-healing.html
March 6, 2013 5:45 pm
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I just want to say thanks for this post and this question because I don’t feel absolutely insane for my ambiguity and fears around having babies. I would like you all to be in my circle of friends.
March 5, 2013 11:28 am
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Lots of good questions already here… One I have is: how does pregnancy and baby-having affect your relationship with friends who don’t have kids (yet, or ever)? I kind of worry that–besides the inability to go out and have free time issue–my kidless friends wouldn’t want to hang out because they’d assume I wanted to kvetch about nothing but e.g. baby poop with fellow parents. Or worse, baby poop would, in fact, be my number one conversation topic!
March 5, 2013 11:32 am
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I just got back from visiting my sister and her new baby (4 weeks old). I recall her talking about his poop several times during our brief visit. I can tell you that this in no way surprises me about her… I always imagined she would be that person. I like to think that I won’t be, but who knows?
March 5, 2013 3:41 pm
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Oh APW. I come here and there is always someone else (or many) with the same worries and me and someone different (or many) with reassurance, answers and ideas.
Anyone know where the APW for deciding on the topic of your Masters dissertations is to solve my most pressing problem?!
March 5, 2013 11:36 am
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I’d love a discussion of the certainty/uncertainty of making the decision to have a child. For me, having children for a very long time seemed like one of those things that I’d just do, because that’s what done. And I’ve worked my way through those feelings, and am stuck in a bit of a limbo, as I’m not really certain one way or the other now. Does not fitting into the paradigm of “I’ve always wanted to be a mother” mean I don’t want kids? Or is it ok to feel like that and still want them? Anyone else out there in the middle?
March 5, 2013 11:37 am
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Can’t “exactly” this enough. I hate the true ambivalence that my husband and I now feel about having kids now that we’re old enough for parenthood to be a reasonable possibility. We actually have a pro/con list going (which boils down to kids are going to be a ton of work and prevent goals vs but they’re probably worth it)…but yeah, if I don’t feel the obvious unquestionable need to be a mother, should I not?
March 5, 2013 12:56 pm
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I didn’t feel that need prior to having kids, but now have 2 that I love indescribably. That Must Have Babies feeling is not a prerequisite for being a good, loving parent, in my experience.
March 5, 2013 3:41 pm
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Truth. My (wonderful, amazing, loving) mother has told me that before she had me and my sisters she didn’t even like children that much, and still doesn’t feel affectionate towards other people’s kids. But man, does she love us something fierce.
(Disclaimer: not having babies is a totally valid and good option for lots of folks, I just thought I’d pipe in on the “Must Have Babies feeling as a pre-req” idea.)
March 5, 2013 7:38 pm
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This. I have two sets of friends who when they got married (or before they got married) thought they wanted to have kids, but now that it’s “go time” one partner is all in, and the other partner is not at all wanting kids. One of the sets is moving forward with trying because “someone has to win” and the other set is hitting the pause button.
March 5, 2013 3:04 pm
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My biggest fear is that despite having a supportive awesome partner that my career will always come second because I make less money than him. It’s that simple.
March 5, 2013 11:37 am
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Ye gods, the list of fears and questions I have!
1) I’ve never felt the overwhelming desire to have a baby that some women report. My biological clock exists only in that I am staring at 35 and I know I need to be about it if I’m going to do it. Over and over, I hear/read that it’s “really hard, so you need to be really, really sure about it.” Really, really sure is not a setting I appear to possess in this instance, so that particular advice makes me rage-y.
2) I am terrified of never feeling like I am alone in my own head again once I am responsible for someone else.
3) I fear feeling like my child is an intruder. My relationship with my husband is lovely and the idea of intentionally changing things/bringing someone we don’t even know into it–permanently!–is terrifying.
4) That whole “permanent” thing. Anything else you can do, you can undo with enough time and energy. You can sell a house, quit your job, divorce your spouse. You can’t un-have a baby. What if I do it, and it turns out I don’t like it?
And on and on. Pregnancy fear, sleeplessness, body changes, etc. I honestly don’t understand how anyone manages to make an affirmative decision to do it–it’s just so freaking huge.
March 5, 2013 11:38 am
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Don’t get me started on the “having kids is so hard and if you aren’t sure then you probably shouldn’t do it” comment. Another thing that makes me ragey is when I express ambivalence about having children and get comments that imply that I don’t like kids (as if my personal ambivalence about having a child of my own is equivalent to being ambivalent about children in general).
March 5, 2013 1:26 pm
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See, I will totally cop to not really liking kids. They’re loud, and kind of boring, and messy. So that should be it, right?
But my mom was the same way, and she adored her own kids. And I find my sister’s kids to be way more interesting than anyone else’s, so I have to suspect that I *would* like my own. It’s just kind of hard to picture it.
March 5, 2013 1:58 pm
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I like a lot of other friends’s babies and kids, but I’m worried that I won’t like my OWN! What if they are particularly cranky, obstinate, shy, or illogical? I find many stranger’s babies and children annoying. Is it the parenting or their personalities or some unfortunate combination of both? If good parenting can actually help raise a pleasant child, I’m worried that the effort of training is overwhelming and potentially disappointing.
March 6, 2013 10:59 am
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Oh god yeah. Raising an asshole is my biggest secret fear. I mean, you do what you can, but what if …?
March 6, 2013 6:11 pm
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I know a lot of people are worried that they’ll change too much when they have children… I’m worried I won’t change enough. I want children, but I’m worried I’ll react to them the same way I react to all changes, even big exciting ones – with absolute terror and the conviction that it was all a terrible mistake and now I can’t take it back.
Also, I’m pretty lazy and I hear children mean you have to clean things more. Really? Will I suddenly care about cleaning? Will I need to?
What if I don’t change enough and am a terrible mother? How do you deal with this fear?
March 5, 2013 11:40 am
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I think the cleaning thing comes from the realization that the child is now lying on/crawling on the floor most of the time for a good year or so, and you don’t want them picking up all the cat hair/dropped food/dirt from outside and eating it. Otherwise I wouldn’t swiffer/vacuum nearly so much.
March 5, 2013 11:50 am
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Nah. Our child is getting a great immune system ;)
March 5, 2013 12:44 pm
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I thought the concern with cleaning more with young children around, at least in high density urban areas, is that the dust that is carried into or settles in the house may contain harmful toxins besides germs. Helpful article here: http://www.afhh.org/chil_ar/chil_ar_why_children.htm
March 19, 2013 11:51 pm
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“I’m worried I’ll react to them the same way I react to all changes, even big exciting ones – with absolute terror and the conviction that it was all a terrible mistake and now I can’t take it back.”
That is me, and that didn’t change after I had Jess. My husband is now good at talking me down when I get too worked up. You live, and things, in the end, generally work out.
And I own a house, but not a vacuum cleaner, and I’m a crappy sweeper. I’m sure the kid will eat more than a few stale bits of food, but she’ll live.
March 5, 2013 1:24 pm
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Generational finances from another angle, maybe? How do you relate to your own parents and your childhoods, now that you’re parenting and planning for your kids’ future?
I’m petrified that we won’t be able to afford kids. (And a house. And retirement. And paying off the last of my grad school loans. Or not all of the above in the same lifetime.) Partly because we’ll have our finances evaluated as part of the foster/adoption preparation, and either they’ll think we don’t have enough when we’re used to living well below our means and on less than many people in our area do, or they’ll think we’re FINE the way that credit card companies or mortgage lenders think we’d loooove to take on lifetime debt. Don’t think we can trust the system’s judgment on this one — but if we’re not approved, we can’t accidentally or purposely get pregnant anyway. Also partly because I grew up upper-middle-class and had a lot of privileges, and I know that at our current or projected financial state, we won’t be able to provide our hypothetical kids with all of the opportunities and advantages my sibling and I had. I fully realize that kids don’t NEED all of those things/experiences, but it is weird for me to realize how much money went into raising me and that I definitely won’t have that much. My wife comes from a working-class background, and our family will have more disposable income for kids than hers did, so she’s approaching some of the same concerns from the other side.
March 5, 2013 11:42 am
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I cannot agree with you more. Thanks to a tough economy these last 10 (!) years, I am only now getting into a job I love that is in my field. I am almost 28. Sure, I’m still young enough and all, but the money/savings/mortgage/retirement thing scares the shit out of me. Add that to the rising costs of everything—from food to gasoline to energy—and it makes having a child seem like an overwhelming bundle of NIGHTMARE.
I grew up in private school and with lots of opportunities and college without debt. I have an advanced degree and no loan debt thanks to my parents and the sacrifices they made for me. Were they rich? No; they learned early on how to save and worked their asses off. Can I duplicate what they did in this ‘new ‘ economy? Hopefully; maybe in some ways, but not to the degree that my parents did in the 90s. (Ah, those golden years.) And if we are able to provide in a similar way, it will be on a delayed schedule.
March 5, 2013 3:49 pm
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Oh yeah, this. We are in our mid-20s, and going back to school for our bachelors degrees now. We originally planned on having kids now. Yeah right. We couldn’t afford it. We won’t be having kids until our early thirties, and even then, affording it is terrifying. The things my parents gave me: a top notch private school, summer camps, a debt free college education, the chance to go to Europe, vacations, etc, seem like they will always be out of reach to give kids. (Ok, I want the vacations and Europe for me). Buying a house? Saving for retirement? and having kids? How will we manage?
March 5, 2013 8:13 pm
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I would love a post from someone who has gone through the adoption process about finances – both the evaluation and the actual costs of adopting.
March 5, 2013 4:32 pm
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I actually have two big questions that are kind of related. My fiance brought up the issue of having kids approximately 10 minutes after he proposed. Actually, what he said was, “I’m down for whatever kind of wedding you want – big, small, elopement, whatever. We can even go to Vegas next weekend if you want. And then we can start trying to get pregnant on Monday!” It was a little bit of a joke, but not really. He wants children as soon as possible (like trying to talk me into going off birth control before the wedding *just in case* in takes longer than we think to get pregnant). And while I want to have a family, too, it’s been a bit of a mind-shift for me. We’ve been talking about marriage and kids for years now but I was NOT expecting the proposal so we suddenly went from talking about these things in the abstract to planning a wedding in 6 months and having serious conversations about timing and how to plan for children that could be here in about a year or two! So I guess my first question is, How did you go from the abstract idea of having kids “someday” to “okay let’s do this now”? I know it’s different for everyone but none of my girlfriends are really in this position so it’d be nice to hear from someone who’s perspective I respect. :)
And my second question is about fear. I have all these hopes and dreams and plans for my career and business but I also have this nagging fear that once a child enters the picture, they will become the focus of my world. That’s definitely not a bad thing, but I don’t want to sacrifice the professional goals I have in order to make the personal goals attainable. How do you balance these two and find a way to have both a career you love and a family you’re equally devoted to?
Sorry for the super long post! This is all new territory for me and only one of my girlfriends is a mommy so I don’t have many places to turn for advice. :)
March 5, 2013 11:46 am
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Yea, how do you go from “I think I want this” to “This is going to happen soon.”.
FWIW, for me, acknowledging that it could be a reality in the nearish future gave me permission to start researching and really grappling with it all, rather than feeling like it wasn’t allowed. In that way, it’s similar to how being publicly engaged made me feel like it was socially OK to explore all these questions that I couldn’t before because then I was just “wedding hungry.”
March 5, 2013 11:54 am
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You need to talk to your fiance! Maybe I’m reading between the lines too much but it seems like you are not sure you are ready yet but he maybe doesn’t know that?
My husband is 7 years older than me and was cracking jokes about a honeymoon baby during our engagement, and I was so pumped to see him excited (esp since when we first met he said he had never planned on kids) but at the same time terrified that he was way more ready than I was, scared he didn’t care about my career which was just starting, scared he didn’t recognize the physical toll it would take on me and was glamourizing it. But at the same time I also feared if I wait too long to be ready then he would end up an Old Dad.
So we talked about it then and a few times since and now I trust that he is ready when I am, and until then just happy to be married. Our talking took away a lot of my anxiety about letting him down. So a talk with him might be more helpful to you than anything anyone here has to say, including me!!
March 5, 2013 12:14 pm
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Thanks Christina! We’ve definitely been talking about it a lot. Probably more so than the actual wedding planning. I guess for me, it’s more of a mental shift that hasn’t quite happened yet. A little over a year ago, I decided to leave my legal job and start my own photography business. That, to me, was a huge mental shift from “someday I’d like to have a photography business” to “ok, I’m actually doing this.” Fear that it won’t work out is a big part of it for me but with the business I knew that if it didn’t work, I could find another legal job.
For me, having a baby seems to require that same type of mental shift. It’s going from “we will do this someday” to “we are going to start doing this by the end of the year.” I guess it’s the reality of it that I’m adjusting to and the fear that it won’t work out. Can’t really give back a baby or go back to being a non-mom once it happens. :) So I’m curious to hear how others made that shift from “we will do it at some point” to “we’re doing it now!”
Btw, my fiance is 5 years older and has similar fears about being an Old Dad. :)
March 5, 2013 12:31 pm
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Talking about it is super helpful. When my husband and I were in the fiance stage, we were both clear on that we wanted kids. The timing was a larger issue for us. He pretty much wanted them “right now” too. I insisted on a couple things, we had to have health insurance, and one of us had to have a full time job (we were both part time at that point). I’ve never seen him so motivated. He obtained both of those things (full time in Sept, and insurance in Dec)
So we tried. And were successful the first time around. So it’s possible that it will happen right away. Ideally I would have liked to wait one more year. I’m currently struggling with the fear you mentioned. We are having a lot of conversations about what having a baby will look like in our lives.
I’m still pretty concerned that I’ll end up being the primary care parent, but I’m doing a lot of reading on Equal Share Parenting and other similar parenting styles. And so far my husband has been supportive, if I do get a full time job he’s okay with child care or even staying home himself. Maybe that’s something you could talk about with your fiance.
March 6, 2013 6:47 am
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My dad is on the older side of things. He was 40 when I was born, and my mom is 12.5 years younger. I think having younger kids and a younger wife has helped him stay young. He also happens to age very slowly. His hair is just starting to thin (he’s 65 now). My half-brother (20 years older than me, and a smoker) has more gray hair than our dad. If your husband lives a healthy lifestyle and doesn’t have increased risk for age-related health complications (e.g. family history of heart disease), I would be hesitant to make his age a #1 factor in babymaking (top 5 for sure, but not number 1)
March 6, 2013 4:01 am
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We are getting married in May and my fiance wants to do this as well! We’ve had numerous talks about it lately – we both absolutely want children and have alwyas known that, but I figured we would wait roughly a year or so before even trying. But through our conversations I’ve discovered we have different definitions of what “trying” means.
Also, I think it’s hard to remind yourself that even though men don’t have the same biological clock we women cope with, they still could have fertility issues – which my fiance has unfounded reasons to be worried about – that would be better to know about earlier. This is his main reason for wanting to toss the pill ASAP. As we get closer to our wedding date, he becomes way more sentimental (which is great) but also more invested in our future family. Also, my older sister just announced her pregnancy. So I think, at least for our situation, it’s just a combo of things.
Definitely talk – and compromise, as with all things marriage related. I think for men they perhaps don’t realize that while having kids at minimum means change 9 months from now, for you it means change now. Linking to the decision theme of the month, sometimes you just have to make a decision and hang on to it.
March 5, 2013 2:04 pm
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Personally, I think that work-life balance is kind of a myth. (Don’t hate me! I don’t think all of it is a lie, but ‘having it all’ is certainly something that I feel personally, for me, is unattainable.)
Every decision–career, family–that we make requires a sacrifice and a trade-off. You might be able to stay in a career you love while having a family; the trade off may be that you will pay a little extra so that your children are in daycare or pay someone to help you clean up your house on a regular basis.
Don’t get me wrong: I think women have awesome options to work and have kids. But the idea of working full-time and having a family is exhausting to me. It freaks me out, namely because i have a history of severe anxiety and I’m afraid I won’t be able to keep up. But that’s a personal setback; I truly believe that there are many ways to work around some of the balance issues we face in our lives.
March 5, 2013 3:59 pm
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I know I want kids, but I really enjoy the place I’m at in life with my husband, work, and free time. I know having a child will be a life changing event for both my husband and I, but I think it’s going to be a bigger change in my life. Not only with pregnancy but taking care of the child. At the end of the day, as the mother I forsee myself taking care of this child more than my husband. I’m not sure if I’m ready to take that burden yet. I realize there are a lot of wonderful things that come with kids, but I think life changes a lot too. How does this (possible) imbalance impact the marriage? Will I be resentful that I’m stuck with the baby while he can do what he wants without the guilt that I would have?
I’m really excited for everything posted so far. This is why I love APW and continue to read. I love the discussions helping us navigate these difficult topics in a real, thoughtful way.
March 5, 2013 11:49 am
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Absolutely. My husband is always, and has always been, very pro-family and he definitely wants a family sooner than me. He is 7 years older than me. I just started to get my feet under me in terms of my career, and I KNOW that I will bear more of the burden of child-rearing, so of course he’s all about having a family ASAP. I am not ready; I don’t plan to be ready for another 4-5 years (ideally we’d have our first when I am 31) and I have a feeling that this will become more and more of an issue as time goes on, especially after I turn 30.
March 5, 2013 3:54 pm
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Glad I’m not the only one who feels this way! It feels a little unfair to say, but I can see it with his cousin who has 4 kids. His cousin, who is the dad, is definitely participating in his kids’ lives but at the end of the day, his wife is much more responsible. I’m sure some of it has to do with their relationship and personalities but he lets his wife be responsible. she feels obligated because if she doesn’t, who will? I don’t want our life to be like that.
March 6, 2013 1:15 pm
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