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Carolyn & Bradford


Converted Hindu wedding

*Carolyn, Novelist and Blogger & Bradford, Soon-to-be Teacher*

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

I knew when my boyfriend proposed that we would be having a Hindu-based wedding, even though neither of us is Indian or South Asian. When I was a little girl I would look at my mother’s white wedding dress in her closet and dream about wearing it for my own wedding. I pictured a simple New England church wedding. But that’s no longer who I am. Ten years ago I converted to Hinduism.

I know, I know, you’ve heard that it’s impossible to convert to Hinduism; that it doesn’t accept converts. The truth, as with many things, is much more complex and I’ve written a blog for the last four years about what it’s like to be a non-Indian convert to Hinduism (and I can reassure you that the vast majority of native Hindus I’ve met have been extremely welcoming).

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

So here I was, a non-Indian Hindu and her non-Hindu fiancé (he’s a Buddhist, so not too different!). It made sense for us to do an intercultural wedding to represent both my religion and our shared ancestral background. We began planning a wedding that was a blend of Hindu traditions and Scottish traditions.

People were skeptical of how those things would go together, but I had a plan and I knew it would work. We selected a friend who knew how to do handfasting as our officiant. I mostly needed someone who would let me run the show and not have too many ideas of what a wedding should look like. As much as our wedding was definitely a reflection of us, during planning I found myself uncomfortable with not having our marriage presided over by a Hindu priest. I realized that I wanted both to be able to do things my way and also to be connected to the traditions that are thousands of years old.

I thought there was nothing to be done about it, but then my cousin (the only other Hindu in my family) offered to set up a Vedic wedding ceremony at the temple near my parents’ house. That’s how we came to have two weddings in two weeks!

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical WeddingWedding One: The Intercultural Wedding

Our first wedding was truly ours. It is the one we planned and worked on. In order to blend the traditions we took the basic structure of a western ceremony and switched out individual pieces of it for individual bits of Hindu ceremonies. A bagpiper played our procession down the aisle to a mandap (very much like a chuppah). We exchanged both flower garlands and rings. He placed a managala sutra (Hindu wedding necklace) around my neck and our officiant did a handfasting. He wore a full kilt with “Prince Charlie” jacket and I wore a red lehenga. My father gave a reading from a Hindu guru. We wrote our own vows. We walked around a fire seven times.Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

Everything blended surprisingly well and our guests seemed to really enjoy the unique ceremony. We kept it brief, probably only twenty minutes, and then had a lunch buffet under a tent (with dancing to both American pop hits and Bollywood music).

Our top priority for our wedding was to spend as much time as possible with our out of town guests and so we structured our wedding weekend that way. The ceremony itself was mid-day on Sunday. Friday night I had dinner with family while Brad went on his bachelor party (mine had been earlier). Saturday morning was the rehearsal, then Saturday afternoon we had a mendhi party. This is when the bride gets her henna done. We invited anyone who wanted to come and packed our apartment full of people. The party atmosphere pretty much took care of itself as people brought wine and we had cheese, crackers, and fruit. Saturday night was a rehearsal dinner.

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

On Sunday, after the reception wrapped up, we had people come over again to hang out. We really maximized the amount of time we spent with our guests and that was the best part. Being surrounded by people we loved, everywhere we looked seeing people we care about and who care about us, was the most amazing feeling. Some people thought we would be too tired but we enjoyed having a laid-back get together in the evening after the wedding with Indian takeout food.

The weekend was a huge success in my eyes. I was so glad to get to share a touch of my religion and be true to myself without overwhelming or confusing family who are unfamiliar with it.

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

Wedding Two: The Vedic Ceremony

My parents and cousin took the lead on this one. Brad and I planned the first wedding, but we left the second in their hands. I was incredibly touched by the support that my parents gave me through this process. I couldn’t have done it without them, as the traditional Hindu ceremony involves both sets of parents with the couple, participating in the ceremony. My parents were there with me. We gave Brad surrogate Indian parents for the ritual, though he gave his actual ancestor names when it was called for.

The Vedic ceremony was two and half hours long and mostly in Sanskrit. Our priest spoke very little English, though my cousin was able to speak Kannada with him and Brad’s faux father had been through his actual son’s wedding recently too at the same temple. I was glad that only a handful of people were invited to that service because it requires a lot of patience! Particularly for westerners who are not comfortable with the idea that they can get up and wander around during the service (totally the norm for Hindu ceremonies).

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

Something about the length of it was nice for me. It gave it more time for the “we are actually getting married right now” to sink in. During the ceremony there was consecrating of a coconut, representing God. There was feeding each other sweets. Brad put the managala sutra on me again, but this time it was blessed by the priest and everyone in attendance. In fact, the priest placed it around the image of Laxshmi in the main temple! Brad also put rings on my toes while I held my foot on a rock to represent the stability of our marriage. We took the seven steps on rice this time and circled the fire three times.

All these things are part of Vedic rituals that have been going on for thousands of years. I felt connected to history in a way that I hadn’t at my first wedding. It felt like being welcomed into the fold of every marriage that went before me, into the community (as marriage is about families more than individuals in Hindu tradition). As my father said later, it felt like being part of The Mahabharata.

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

While our wedding was going on, life continued as normal for the rest of the temple. I went through the main area to pay my respect to all the Gods and people looked, but continued on with their own prayers. The wedding was just a natural part of life, existing along side all the other moments of life.

The coconut was sent home with us with the instruction to make something sweet out of it. (I have to wonder what TSA thought of our turmeric-covered coconut wrapped in a turban in my carry-on).

I’m really glad we did both ceremonies. The blended one allowed us to share the day with our friends and family without asking them to participate in something entirely unfamiliar. The Hindu elements to the intercultural ceremony allowed me to be true to myself and my chosen religion, but the western structure of it made it easy for the majority of people in my life who are not Hindu to feel comfortable and have a good time. Then to also have the purely Hindu ceremony, officiated by a Hindu priest, using traditions that stretch back thousands of years, was a very moving experience for me personally.

Carolyn & Bradford | A Practical Wedding

Two weddings in two weeks isn’t for everyone, but it was perfect for us!

The Info — Photographer: Shannon Bernadzikowski / Location: Mariottsville, Maryland / Venue: Waverly Mansion / Carolyn’s Lehenga: Cbazaar / Mendhi: Garvi Sheth / Makeup: Emily Does Makeup / Bagpiper: Bob DelpCake: Gottegris Bakery / Flowers: Fancy Florist
All vendors listed are for the first wedding. Pictures for the second wedding taken by the bride’s brother.

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  • http://alithompsonart.com Also Ali

    Just wanted to comment on how lovely both of your weddings look! (And sound.)

    You were really able to be true to yourself and your husband, which is so awesome.

    Can I ask what your blog address is? It sounds really interesting.

    • http://alithompsonart.com Also Ali

      Oh, derp. I see it now! (Couldn’t edit.)

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

        Yay! I have a welcome post up today to help new readers find all the good intro-type stuff :)

  • http://www.garvisheth.com Garvi

    Lovely post! I enjoyed this recap of both weddings and had an absolute blast at the first wedding. Also, the photos here are gorgeous and really capture the flavor of your marriage! (Was the coconut stored in Brad’s red and gold turban?)

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      It was! No one said anything about it :)

  • Ruth

    In addition to the blog, I see that you’re a novelist – is there a link to your novels? You sound like a fascinating person and I’d be interested to read your fiction

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      I’m living a strange divided life, writing half the time about religion and the other half of the time…romance novels!

      My pen name for romance novels is Ruth Madison and I have a small publishing company at http://www.devlovepress.com :)

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

        (Apparently I’ve stolen your name, in fact! Ruth is my middle name!)

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  • Prerna

    As an Indian American woman raised in a Hindu home, I think your ceremonies and celebrations looked very lovely! I took a peek at your blog too, and I’m excited to share it as an interfaith literacy resource.

    I’m curious to hear if you received any negativity about elements that are more cultural than faith-based. (Like your clothes, which looked so great on you both!) Or maybe that wasn’t a concern at all, in which case, hurray for mutual respect! As I think about all of the fantastic religious and cultural wedding traditions in the world that could potentially end up in my own celebration, I’m always interested to hear how it goes for those who include practices outside of their “norm” and how it’s perceived by others.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      Thank you! I’d love to be a resource :)

      I actually have not received any negativity at all. I was braced for it, but so far there’s been nothing but happiness and pride.

      When buying my husband’s sherwani, the sale’s girl said that Hindu weddings are so beautiful that lots of non-Hindu people are having them. I found that kind of shocking! But I can’t argue; they are beautiful!

      I think it helps that I’ve been writing about and talking about these issues of the intersection of religion and culture for a long time. I’m still struggling with whether I should take on Indian culture along with my religion or how much culture I should take on. This is what happens with religions that are also ethnicities. It’s also hard to separate what’s religion and what’s culture, since they’ve been entwined for so long, you know?

      People were really overwhelmingly supportive and I’m very blessed in that.

      • http://www.garvisheth.com Garvi

        I was born in the USA. My parents are of Indian ancestry. Which culture was I “born into”? Do I not get to be Jain because I was born in the USA? Should I start eating meat and going to church? Which church? Do I have to be Catholic because I went to Catholic school? But I wasn’t born in Catholic school. What about the pretty clothes and the festivals? Do I not get to do the dances I grew up with at Garba because I wasn’t born in Gujarat? Or is it the opposite- I don’t get to eat fries or wear jeans or go to prom because I was “born into” Indian culture and these are not Indian things? What clothes can I wear? What kind of wedding can I have?

        If you want to be mad about cultural appropriation and Oriental fetishism (which is legit- these things make me mad too), make sure that the target of your ire is a legitimate one. Before judging and insulting Carolyn, you could read a bit of her blog first and understand who she is as a person, her unique life story, her faith journey, her view of Hinduism and Indian culture as intertwined, and her feelings about cultural appropriation. She has a link to her blog up here. She even made a special post with links to intro posts for new readers from here.

        Also, quoted from the comment policy: “Don’t leave critical comments on reader wedding posts. This is not the place to start a critical discussion. People who are being brave enough to share one of the most important and emotional moments of their lives deserve your respect. A mean (or even intellectually critical) comment on a Wedding Graduate post is like peeing in their guest book.”

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

          Thanks, Garvi. :)

          I sorry that I was not able to explain my entire life history to you all over one wedding graduate post.

          If you learn more about me, you’ll find that my story gets a lot more complicated.

          I was born into a group that practiced Indian philosophy stripped of Indian culture. I felt that that was insulting and inappropriate. I believe that Hinduism cannot be separated from Hindu culture.

          I don’t take just the pretty parts of Hinduism. I am Hindu. Through and through in every part of my life.

    • Karrie

      I had an indian wedding. I went to the shops on Devonn avenue in Chicago to look at saris (I drove in from Indianapolis) and the girls were very rude and judgmental. It was sad. I didn’t buy anything. I just waited till I got to delhi to buy anything.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

        Awww :( That’s terrible.

        I’ve had times like that too.

  • Keeley

    Thank you for this post! I’ve been reading your blog for some time and as a ‘white hindu’ myself this is great inspiration for my own wedding! (That is if I can persuade my atheist partner to include God in the celebrations at all :/ ). You looked beautiful and the whole thing looked wonderful. :) Congratulations!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      Thanks!

      You know, the first wedding had very little God to it. We didn’t have a prayer or invoke a deity at all during the ceremony. I felt like the walking around the fire was really signifying us marrying ourselves (of course one could also argue that God was every single element!)

  • April

    I just had a small-world moment — I’ve seen some of these pictures already on and old high school friend’s facebook page. I’m pretty sure she (Tory) is your sister-in-law!

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      Oh my gosh! Yes! Tory’s brother is my husband. How cool is that? I love small world moments!

      • April

        Awesome! Well, congratulations – it sounds like you had a really lovely and meaningful wedding :)

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

          Thank you!

  • http://www.missgiggles.com/blog Giggles

    “It felt like being welcomed into the fold of every marriage that went before me”

    That is exactly what I loved about our traditional ceremony – the grounding of it, the being connected to everyone who had received the same ceremony, especially my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and on back.

  • Rajneesh Sehgal

    I like every wedding Pic Of urs but i found the best wher ur Husbend touching the feet of Mom n Dad(its a guss)
    that pic touch my heart n remind me old Memories..
    thanx for the wonderfull pics……

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/whitehindu CarolynC

      Yes, I love that one. That’s his mom and dad and that moment was such a special one.

  • heres_a_llama

    ” I felt connected to history in a way that I hadn’t at my first wedding. It felt like being welcomed into the fold of every marriage that went before me, into the community (as marriage is about families more than individuals in Hindu tradition).”

    This is exactly what I love about our Jewish wedding ceremonies as well. They have been going on for four thousand years. They will continue to go on for four thousand years. That’s amazing. We will live through the ebb and flow that all relationships go through, we will laugh and cry and fight and makeup and raise our kids, all marked by these traditions and customs. My best friend is Hindu and just had her ceremony in May and I recognized so many commonalities – the circling and seven blessings are just the beginning.

  • Liz

    This is a beautiful wedding! Congrats on making it perfect for the two of you.

  • http://andshelovesyou.com Lucy

    Please note: an earlier comment thread has been moderated because it violated the comment policy. That section of the policy has been quoted below, for clarification.

    “Don’t leave critical comments on reader wedding posts. This is not the place to start a critical discussion. People who are being brave enough to share one of the most important and emotional moments of their lives deserve your respect. A mean (or even intellectually critical) comment on a Wedding Graduate post is like peeing in their guest book.”

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  • Nazma Karim

    Carolyn’s Sari is so cute. Beautiful wedding. I also wore similar designer sari on my wedding. Purchased from this site. http://www.kaneesha.com/designer_saris.cfm