Engagement Ring (Again)


What I learned about putting another ring on it

by Meg Keene, Editor-In-Chief

Engagement Ring (Again) | A Practical Wedding

Gone, Girl

It’s rare to get a do-over on any part of wedding planning. Instead, we make the best choices we can in the moment, move on, and live with them. Je ne regrette rein (or as close as you can get). Unless you get your engagement ring stolen.

Last fall, I came home from dropping the baby off at school, walked through the door, and immediately knew something was wrong. Drawers were open that shouldn’t be (even with a somewhat-mobile baby). Everything felt wrong. I ran out of the house, pulled the car out of the driveway, and made emergency calls. Then I sat there and waited, and cried about my engagement ring. Without even walking all the way into the house, I knew it was gone.

I’d had an on-again-off-again relationship with wearing my engagement ring, quite literally. I took it off the day after we got married because I realized that wearing it screamed “married” in a way I wasn’t comfortable with. Plus, being engaged had been difficult, and I was ready for a new phase in my life. A little over a year later I put it on for my first professional speaking engagement and I wore it till my fingers swelled enough during pregnancy that I couldn’t keep it on. Shortly before the break in, I’d started wearing it again, only to have it scratch the baby’s face repeatedly, and make him cry. So off again. I kept meaning to hide it, put it somewhere safe. But I was overwhelmed with a kid and very little sleep, and I’d never managed to actually act on that impulse. So it was sitting there, in a jewelry box, on my dresser, when we got robbed. Of course it was gone.

I was devastated. No matter how I felt about the ring itself, it was the artifact of that moment that we’d decided to build a life together forever. In the middle of a really hard year, the fact that it was gone was too much. I pretended I was mostly fine, but more than once I woke up in the middle of the night after dreaming I had the ring back, crying.

shine bright like a diamond

This month, after a fair amount of foot dragging (on my part) we finally received our reimbursement from our insurance company for the ring, and we started shopping for a new one. I’d forgotten how hard it was. Here is what we learned:

We didn’t know much. I always joke that the time that we’re least qualified to choose a college is when we choose a college. (At eighteen? Please. I was barely qualified to choose an outfit.) It turned out, for us, picking engagement rings was about the same. We were in the middle of making an emotional decision to get hitched, and walking into a store and finding a ring was one of the moments that sealed the sentimental deal. That means we hadn’t done a ton of research, and the scales were slightly tilted toward what David liked. I’d been very clear that under no circumstances did he get to pick a ring (I thought) I’d wear for the rest of my life without consulting me. But since he was the one deciding he was ready to get hitched (I was ready a year before he was) he ended up more in the driver’s seat than either of us realized at the time.

Timeless is a waste of time. When picking an engagement ring the first time around, I thought that the best way to stay happy with this piece of jewelry for a long time was to go timeless. Translation: I played it safe. Turns out, the best way to stay happy with a ring for a long time is to pick something that matches your taste, and my taste is pretty quirky. While this seems obvious in retrospect, it was the least obvious thing ever at the time.

Our tastes are different, but they both matter. Because the first decision was made quickly and emotionally, we didn’t spend tons of time discussing who liked what. This time around, I already had an indie engagement ring Pinterest board running (hazard of the job), so the first thing we did was sit down and pick our favorites. There was… almost no overlap. David liked semi-traditional, I liked straight up indie. David liked dainty and simple, I liked dainty and slammin’. I was not buying this ring for me, we were buying this ring for us, so we had to work it out.

Finding middle ground is good for your relationship. Last time around, I’d given in to David’s preferences (for good reasons, including that I loved him). Unfortunately, good intentions don’t always lead to the best choices, and we ended up with a ring that David loved in practice, I loved in theory. As a result, I didn’t wear it very much. This time around we faced up to the fact that the difference in our jewelry tastes is actually pretty representative in the differences in our personalities. David’s a semi-traditional person with a semi-traditional job (ex-theatre professional, non-corporate lawyer). I’m a reasonably non-traditional person within societally recognized boundaries (I work a full-time, high-stress job… running an indie company). We have to find the overlap in our personal lives, and we had to find the overlap in our ring search too.

Research. Or just go somewhere super reputable. Last time around, we stumbled across the rings in an antique shop. It made for a great story, but it also meant that we didn’t know exactly what we were getting. Right around the time we got the first rings, I found a bad review of the antique shop’s practices online. David said it didn’t matter since I liked the ring, but I spent the ensuing six years wondering if my rings were fakes, and also wondering if I even wanted to know. After this ring search I can say that I don’t think they were fakes, but I do think we overpaid. Upside: our lack of knowledge six years ago ended up resulting in a much nicer ring for almost the same amount of money. We didn’t set up to get a fancier ring this time, but sometimes the universe works in weird ways.

It’s just a symbol. Last time around I spilled a lot of ink on All The Things To Think About When You’re Meg And Trying To Pick The Right Ring. When it disappeared, I realized I didn’t give a shit about the ring we’d picked, I missed the symbol of the time we decided to spend our lives together. This time around I would have gotten a sparkly piece of glass (David did not agree; see more traditional), because I realized what we were really doing was marking this moment in time.

MaximizE The (Diamond) Sparkle. Last time, I got a small ring because we couldn’t afford a big reasonably high quality diamond (I mean, hello) and intentionally getting a big really low quality diamond seemed… not sparkly? In the intervening years, I learned that if you want a lot of sparkle but can’t afford a big diamond, you should look for a ring with a lot of little diamonds all jammed together. Even as more established adults, we still couldn’t responsibly afford a 1.5 carat diamond. It turns out that we could afford 1.5 carats of diamond (which I joke sounds the same if you say it fast). The best part of that for me is that a lot of small diamonds has a low profile, which means it won’t catch on things, like the baby’s face.

I still care what other people think. One of the more difficult things the last time around was finding a way to reconcile all of my selves. I’m someone who’s never exactly fit in with one group, in one place. I grew up as a bit of a fish out of water in an educated family without a lot of money in a city that was mostly pretty desperately poor. Then I went on to a really good school with a bunch of kids who’d grown up fancy. I never quite got away from the fancy; I never quite fit in (there or at home). Engagement rings are powerful symbols, which is tricky if you’re a person who’s spent her life trying to pass in more than one environment. Too small is problematic in one place, too big is problematic in another, the fact that it matters to people makes you uncomfortable always. I still haven’t gotten a handle on any of that. Last time, I went inconspicuous. This time I went quirky, to make it harder to translate. Maybe one day I won’t care. Maybe I always will.

Be Nice To Yourself. All those rings David didn’t like? I’ve decided that I might buy one or two for myself, one of these days. Just like your wedding is not really the last fancy party you get to throw (if you like parties), your engagement ring is not the last fancy ring you get to buy (if you like rings). Because David and I don’t have the same taste in everything, I’ve learned it’s important to carve out space just for me. I found a couple of rings with my name on them; now I just need to find something to celebrate.

Make sure your ring is insured. Add a rider to your renters insurance. I mean, thank God, right?

Putting a ring on it (again)

We looked at traditional solitaires with black diamonds, to try to bridge our differences. We looked at teensy and quirky. We ruled out big and morganite (sadly). We ruled out vintage and more traditional. We ruled out vintage with a non-diamond stone. We almost bought a bunch of small diamonds artfully designed. In the end, the ring found us. Vintage, just like the last one. Diamond, to keep David happy. A Victorian dinner ring, not actually an engagement ring. Exactly my taste. And slammin’.

Engagement Ring (Again) | A Practical Wedding

It’s been a hard year. New baby, new stressful job, serious family illness, not a lot of time to invest in our marriage. So maybe it was a blessing that six years later, we had to decide to slip a ring on, again.

Meg Keene

Meg is the Founder and EIC of APW. Her first book, A Practical Wedding: Creative Solutions for Planning a Beautiful, Affordable, and Meaningful Celebration, was published in January 2012, and has been a top three bestseller on the wedding bookshelf ever since. Meg has her BFA in Drama from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts. She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and son.

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  • http://www.asafemooring.blogspot.com/ Kirsty | A Safe Mooring

    Love it. Good work, Meg and David.

  • Amanda L

    As someone who has a love (the symbol) / not love (the actual ring) relationship with her engagement ring, I could empathize with SO much in this post. While we were engaged, I wore it daily. Once we were married, I wore it only if it ‘matched’ (it’s a small diamond with blue enamel). But then one day we had a conversation about getting another ring, and I realized how much this ring MATTERED to him, so now I wear it every day. If it got stolen, I would be gutted. I’m so sorry that happened to you!

  • loxy

    I’m not a big ring person but damn, I love what you ended up with. (And the backstory, that’s good too.)

  • Sara P

    What a beautiful ring! I’m so glad you guys were able to find one!

    And thank you for sharing the process. We’re waiting for my ring to come in the mail, and then for B to be ready to ask, and it’s already going to be complicated. I’m grateful that there are spaces like this one where the complicated and beautiful are both celebrated.

  • Meg

    Um, wow. That is awesome. A great pick, and thanks for sharing what you learned!

  • Sheila

    Very pretty! The first thing I thought of when I saw it, though, was a cross. Is that an issue at all for a former-Christian now observant Jew? Or do you not see a cross at all when you look at it?

    • Amy March

      I see a cross too! An absolutely GORGEOUS one.

    • Class of 1980

      I see the North Star. ;)

    • Meg Keene

      No, because it’s not a cross at all. It’s sort of a star/ diamond.

  • K

    Beautiful ring! Really stunning and dainty and unique! Thanks for sharing, Meg.

    We’re waiting for my ring to arrive (it’s going to be a long month) and then me for him to formally propose. I actually had a nightmare last night that it came in and was a monstrosity. Nothing like what we ordered. Then I screamed and fainted in the jewelry store as my boyfriend argued with the jeweller. So dramatic! Apparently the ring anxiety has worked it’s way deep into my mind.

    It was a lot harder than I thought it would be to come to a consensus. I’m also more indie/dainty and his is more traditional/dainty. We ended up with something quite traditional that suits our taste. I’m totally in love with it, but I’m also already planning on letting my indie-flag fly on a unique wedding band.

  • kt from the mw

    Thank you. Thank you for this website. Thank you for bringing in all of the wonderful people who work at APW and for giving the rest of us a place to contribute life lessons and/or comments.

    Thank you for this post. My SO of three years pointed out that he doesn’t know my ring size or preferences. The process of trying on rings has been scarier than I would have thought. This post gives me peace and perspective. Thank you.

  • js

    I love the ring. It reminds me of some sort of constellation. I wouldn’t be able to stop imagining who wore it where and when. I want to punch the motherf&%$#@ that invaded your safe space in the face for you. This is a beautiful, tragic story that ends with a badass ring.

  • http://underalteration.blogspot.co.uk/ elle

    Gorgeous. And I find it’s often so much about the (back)stories we tell ourselves.

    • Meg Keene

      <3

  • Diane Day

    Love it. I will now probably spend the entire day drooling over rings on etsy

  • http://rationalcreature.com/ Amy

    I’m not lying, I gasped out loud when the new ring was revealed. (I made myself read all the words before I let myself see the new bling.) Meg, that is fabulous. Good for you and David on working together to let it find you!

  • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

    That ring is gorgeous!

  • VS

    Beautiful post!

  • Lisa

    Well that’s beautiful, now isn’t it!

  • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

    Oooooo! I was scrolling so slowly so I could make sure I’d read everything before I saw the ring!!

  • macrain

    How I wish I had this post when we were ring shopping! The process was wracked with anxiety for me, though happily I am pleased with the end result.
    That ring is so lovely; it looks beautiful on your hand. I love how there is room for your wedding band despite the shape of the ring. My engagement ring is an odd shape and I am debating how to go about wearing my wedding band.
    Thanks for sharing Meg. Beautiful post.

  • Sarah E

    Super slammin. I’ve been looking forward to hearing more about your second ring search, because while I understood the grief of losing it, I didn’t quite get the difficulty in finding a new one. This insight really illuminates the importance of that symbol.

    You’ve got me thinking a little more about when my partner and I decided to build a life together. . .it definitely wasn’t when we started wedding planning. I’m not sure that there was a single defining moment. Though that time I navigated moving truck + car on trailer through construction traffic without anyone yelling or crying was a good one. I don’t wear an engagement ring (and no weird comments from anyone except Grandmom, of course), but P is a great gift-giver, so I have several special things that give me that secret heart-glow when I wear them. Of course, the APW Indie Ring Pinterest board always makes me pause.

  • Lauren

    First off, the ring is gorg, Meg. Although, I have to admit that I’ve never looked at my engagement ring design as something that my husband and I both had to have an opinion about. I am sure it just depends on the type of relationship you have with your person. My hus was more about letting me be the sole decider regarding whether or not I liked the ring. He picked it out with only my opinion in mind, but he did that because he didn’t have an interest in choosing the design and he wanted me to have the final say because I was going to be the one wearing it. Is it more common for the other person not wearing the engagement ring to be part of the ring design decision-making? Perhaps I am in the minority?

    • Pileofstix

      For us, as we make this decision, it’s one we’re making together. It’s a symbol of our committment to one another so even though I’m the one wearing it, it’s about us and we’re both going to have input in what it looks like. :)

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      I don’t know if you’re in the minority, but you’re definitely not the only one. My fiance let me choose, flat out. We went and looked before getting engaged. He wanted it to be a diamond (I was fine with a different kind of stone) and I was okay with that, but that’s where our joint opinion stopped. Basically I had a budget in my mind, stuck within it and got what I wanted, win-win. I love my ring. Not that I don’t value his opinion, and I did ask him which ring he liked better out of the ones I had picked, but he wanted me to get what I wanted. And I could not be happier with the ring I chose.

      • macrain

        Same! I actually chose the setting and he picked out a diamond for it.
        I think a lot of couples go about it this way, or how Meg is describing, but they don’t talk about it. The assumption everyone had when I showed them my ring was that my fiance had chosen it with no input from me.

        • Alyssa M

          That’s the main reason I would say a partner should have a say in the engagement ring. They’re generally the one who is going to get judged over it. When I meet someone who is weird about my non-diamond engagement ring I always feel more like I’m defending my partner more than my tastes or my ring, even though the colored gemstone was totally my idea.

    • Lauren from NH

      I am mostly in charge of picking my ring. My guy doesn’t care much about fashion or jewelry and would probably go for something very generic if left to his own devices. Since I am doing a custom design, I am going to finalize things 90% and then have him pick the metal and stones so we will both have a hand in it. My thing is that he is not a very good gifter and I am a very gifty person so I want this ring to be nearly perfect to my taste, symbolic sentiment. I know he loves me and I see my picking the ring as guiding him to say I love you to me in my language. There are going to be a lot of goofy off base gifts in my future and I am down with that, because I will have this one special symbolic gift/ring. To me it’s another one of those things that is very reflective of the couple.

      • Meg Keene

        Also, to be fair, David cares a lot about things like fashion. That’s what you get when you marry a metrosexual. You’re never going to be making, say, interior design decisions without input, for better or worse. And the guy who has clear opinions about his cufflinks or shoes is going to have clear opinions about rings too.

        It’s fine. I like opinions.

    • Meg Keene

      I think it’s pretty common. In fact, lots of guys/partners buy the ring as a surprise.

      For us, it has nothing to do with that. It’s just that the ring is a symbol of our commitment, so it needs to be something David also likes. If only I like it, it’s something I can buy on my own.

    • ElisabethJoanne

      Fascinating perspectives on whose taste matters in choosing something only one spouse will wear. My engagement ring was an heirloom, so there were no taste considerations there. Our wedding bands are plain, but I definitely took the lead in choosing width and metal.

      Now I’m begging my husband to choose me a necklace from my etsy favorites so I can have some idea of his taste.

    • Aubry

      I picked my engagement ring. Found it online, told C what to get, he delivers on bent knee (soooooo long after step two, but that’s not the point). But, firstly we have vastly differing tastes, and secondly I have very strong opinions about my taste in jewellery. I probably searched for 150+ hours online to find my ring. Poor guy had no chance ;). But we are discussing wedding bands together. Each of us has to choose their own, but we talk about them and discuss options.

    • Caitlin_DD

      I picked mine, he bought it when he was ready to do the asking. (Actually he bought it when I mentioned it was on sale and sent him the link I think ;P )

  • Caitlin_DD

    Gorgeous! And a lot of food for thought, actually. It seems the same logic probably applies for wedding band shopping too.

    • Meg Keene

      I’m doing a roundup later today, but we were 10 year anniversary band shopping at the same time, and yes, it does.

  • swarmofbees

    Thank you for this post, Meg. My engagement ring is a difficult topic for me – it took me a good month or so to even feel happy wearing it. I wore it because it was important to my FI, but also because he had managed to find the perfect ring for me – the woman who did not want an engagement ring and told everyone so. But, he went looking and found a ring that is both beautiful and representative of my environmental soul. Even so, wearing it just felt strange to begin with. It took some time to see how it really was a representation of our promise to be together. Now, I would be similarly shattered to have it stolen, even though my relationship with the ring started out a bit rough.

  • Class of 1980

    Meg, I want you to know I had to take a phone call while I was reading this, and I hadn’t yet gotten to the photo. The suspense was killing me!!!

    I love it. It reminds me of the North Star.

    I love love love low-profile rings dotted with many smaller diamonds too. That’s my favorite look.

  • http://werewritingabook.com/ Breck

    “Just like your wedding is not really the last fancy party you get to throw (if you like parties), your engagement ring is not the last fancy ring you get to buy (if you like rings).”

    Yesyesyes. As I’ve gently reminded Chris whenever he gets nervous about picking out something I won’t like, “This is far from the last piece of jewelry you or I will ever buy me.”

  • Fiona

    “I always joke that the time that we’re least qualified to choose a
    college is when we choose a college. (At eighteen? Please. I was barely
    qualified to choose an outfit.) It turned out, for us, picking
    engagement rings was about the same.” ! Thisthisthis.

    When we first got engaged, I picked out a ring that was huge, sparkly, was actually three separate rings, and was generally awesome. I was so excited to get engaged that I wanted allll the sparkles. As time goes on, it has become a bit of a giant nuisance. The rings slide around and they get caught on gloves (terrible for nursing). I’ve since squirreled away two of the rings and now just wear the middle one.

    For my wedding ring, I’m going to wear my grandmother’s because that thing is nice and flat (no glove issues) and in general is more practical for day-to-day life. The diamond is the same shape as my engagement ring (though flatter and smaller), and my fiance is cool with me having the engagement ring made into another piece of jewelry. Anyway, I was SOOO not qualified to be picking a ring out when we first got engaged.

    • Sarah E

      My mom is gifting me my great-grandmother’s ring, and it’s wonderful how, even though it’s a significant diamond, the profile is such that it’s meant to be worn, and meant to be on working hands. The profile is smooth and doesn’t catch on every.single.thing. Yay for everyday jewelry, right?

    • Fiona

      The ring

  • Mezza

    Two months after our wedding, my wife lost her engagement ring and wedding band in an airport. She filed a report with lost-and-found, but there’s been no word for three months now. I’m really struggling with the idea of replacing them. We made the wedding bands ourselves (designed around our engagement rings) and we really loved them, so the new engagement ring will have to be an exact replica of the original in order to fit with the band. And I’m just crossing my fingers that the studio that cast the wedding band still has the mold and will be able to re-cast it.

    I really don’t want to be the one who deals with replacing them, but unfortunately I’m way more bothered by the loss than she is, so I have a feeling she’s just going to keep putting it off until I do something about it. I feel like it would be more tolerable if we got to pick out a fun new ring, but spending a whole lot of money on the exact same thing is really not exciting.

    • carolynprobably

      Could also be guilt/denial? I could totally 100% see myself in the same situation putting it off to avoid accepting that it’s really gone.

      • Mezza

        Possibly. But I’m kind of always the one who has to be proactive about anything difficult/complicated/unpleasant. She’d just avoid forever if she could. I’m trying very hard not to remind her or do anything about it, so we will see what happens!

        • carolynprobably

          Truth. I’d totally worry and blame and shame myself into a panic attack (a la I don’t deserve a new ring because I’m irresponsible and the worst spouse since forever).

          All I can say is we forever-avoiders are infinitely lucky to marry you face-the-music-problem-solvers.

    • Victoria

      Eh, is it necessary to get new ones? Both especially? It was right for Meg to get another engagement right but there’s no rule you have to replace a lost one if that’s not the best fit for you and your partner. I don’t think I’d replace my engagement ring, though I would probably get another wedding band if I lost mine. But if she isn’t bothered and you’re struggling with the idea of replacing why not let it go for now? Just something to consider if you haven’t already.

      Perhaps you can get new jewelry when you’re both certain what you want to do. Maybe replace the wedding band and get a right hand other ring as consolation?

      • Mezza

        I made the wedding band myself (created the mold with the help of a jeweler and had it cast at a studio), so I really don’t like the idea of it being gone forever. It’s made to fit the engagement ring exactly and can’t really be worn alone. The rings were a very central and important part of our ceremony and I am bothered that they’re gone. And yes, they seem to be more important to me than to her, but she knows that.

  • Laura

    Slammin!!!!!

  • http://brokensaucer.blogspot.com/ sera

    That is a pretty slammin’ ring!!! I love it! I’m so glad you found a new ring!
    It’s funny, because while G did buy me a ring (or a set of six stacks in silver, way too big) we traded it in for another little silver ring. Then I bought another set of silver stacking rings. None of which were even $50. I was too damned excited about my custom vintage filigree styled platinum band with five sapphires. Sometimes I look at my friends super sparkly rings, more akin to yours Meg, and get a little jealous. But then I remember, I don’t take off my ring, ever and I would if it were big and sparkly. Someday, I’ll probably buy myself something bigger, sparklier, beautiful for my right hand. But in the meantime, I’m just glad I have the symbol of my marriage, and I suppose, that I don’t have to worry about my cheap engagement rings.

    • Meg Keene

      (I don’t wear this one all the time either, lets be for real. My two wedding rings I never take off, but as much as I love big and sparkly and a good symbol, this is not an every single day ring for me.)

  • jashshea

    Totally stunning and badass.

  • Kayjayoh

    Synchronicity. While reading this, I got an email from our jeweler with a new copy of the receipt for my ring, since I cannot find the paper one. This way I can make sure ours is insured.

    (I am also looking at having the ring re-designed at some point, since I’m not entirely happy with how it turned out.)

  • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

    OH FUCK YEAH WHAT??? THAT IS AMAZING!!!

  • Jules

    Meg, this is EXACTLY what I wanted to hear about! I’m a super symbolic person, so I am heartbroken that your first ring is gone. We are engagement ring hunting at the moment, and I have to ask: why did you rule out morganite?

    We’ve found a setting that we love and are just trying to settle on a stone. We’ve considered natural diamond, lab diamond, Moissanite, white sapphire, peach sapphire, sapphire sapphire, morganite…and I love the idea of morganite, but it gets thrown out when we revisit it because I’ll probably crack it or something. (Remembering the story of the cracked emerald ring…was that Maddie’s?)

    My friends aren’t much help with this because they are lovely but very solidly upper-middle class traditionalists who think I’m weird (“trendy” was the word that was used, but in a “that’s cute but not a real thing” tone) simply for not getting a white metal. Or for wanting a wedding with only 50-80 people. Or for not wanting bridesmaids or showers. Or for having already picked out my man’s engagement/wedding ring. (WHICH IS SO COOL.) I think it probably comes with the territory as we’re in Texas right now.

    I’ve derailed a little bit, but my point is, APW is sometimes my only source of like-minded gals.

    • Class of 1980

      I wear white metals only because they best suit my skin tone.

      That said … your friends aren’t terribly aware. Yellow gold is currently cutting edge.

      Of course, everyone should wear what looks best on them, rather than what’s in style.

      • Jules

        AND nothing against choosing a white metal at all, for sure. Rose gold works best on my skin! Mostly, I’ve found that it’s HARD to make different choices. You’d think I’d have gotten over this in grade school, really.

      • Meg Keene

        Rose gold is currently cutting edge. Or mixed metals. This ring and my band are mixed metals, which I was unsure about, but the sales lady was like “CONTRAST ALL THE WAY.” Bless.

        • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

          I’m so in love with rose gold. It feels like a ballerina to me :) My engagement ring is mixed too – white gold and rose.

        • mimi

          My vintage engagement ring (from Turtle Love) is 50+ years old and the yellow gold is faded, so it goes perfectly with my rose gold wedding band. Yay mixed metals!

        • Class of 1980

          It’s so arbitrary. My grandmother’s generation wore white metals. My mom’s generation and those of my peers who married young wore yellow gold. It was hard to even find white gold in the 1980s! Then the 1990s brought back white metals. And now we’re in a rose and yellow gold phase.

          A few years ago, I read a comment by a young guy who said yellow gold reminded him of a middle-aged lady who had gotten married in the 1980s – and he wanted white metal for his marriage. But yellow gold was already coming back. All I could think was that he doesn’t realize that in the future someone is going to say that all middle-aged people wear white metals!

          Everything comes back around and seems new again.

        • M.

          Yes, rose gold! Anna at Bario-Neal, who I take as THE authority on what is cool and amazing, encouraged my foray into mixed metals (rose gold hammered band w platinum engagement ring) and it looked HOT, but I went for matched in the end. Alas, my next piece of jewelry will be rose gold, bc swoon.

      • Violet

        You summed this up so perfectly! Another rose gold gal here, simply because it was what I had been wearing for a number of years before we got engaged. So it would suit my skin tone, AND my other jewelry. You are 100% right- if it looks best on you, it’s actually automatically “in style”… for you!

    • Meg Keene

      David didn’t want morganite. He’s more traditional than I am, as discussed, and it being a “real stone” (quotes, quotes) was important to him. It did not seem appropriate to argue that point :) We did consider a sapphire though (which you’ll see later today), it just wan’t quite the right ring.

      I, clearly, would have totally done a lab diamond or what have you. (And never mentioned it to anyone, because not even their business.)

      ALSO. They called you trendy for not getting a white metal??? White metal is super trendy. Before about 2000, everyone had yellow gold, and then the trend tides turned.

    • ART

      Not to sway you in any direction, but in case it helps, i LOVE my moissanite. Totally thrilled with it.

      • http://estherminusts.wordpress.com/ Esther

        Love mine as well! I had to get it with platinum since allergic to gold but rose gold would’ve been my choice of o just went with what looks good. I love love love ride gold

    • Aubry

      Just a quick note that I love my white sapphire. Beautiful and sparkly, almost as tough so good for daily wear, and cost slightly less than what diamonds should cost. Which is to say about 10% of what diamonds do cost.

    • MDBethann

      Don’t know if this will help you Jules, but I’ve had nothing but compliments since my hubby gave me my ring 3 years ago and it is really only “semi-traditional” – the setting is pretty standard: white gold, center stone with diamond chips down the sides. But it isn’t high profile and my stone is a lovely blue sapphire, not a diamond. My husband really wanted white gold bands for our wedding rings and I wanted things to match, so I told him if we were using white gold, I thought a diamond looked too cold against it so the stone in my engagement ring needed to be either a sapphire or an emerald (blue and green are our favorite colors).

      No one ever made a comment about me not having a diamond (at least not to my face anyway). I’m not sure if the Duke & Duchess of Cambridge’s engagement a few months earlier helped with that since her ring is a sapphire, but I hope you can find a ring that makes you happy and comfortable. You shouldn’t have to defend your choice in the ring or in your wedding plan at all!

  • Amanda

    WOW! That is an INCREDIBLE ring.

    As someone who has had most of the same internal conflicts as you’ve had, I’m SO happy that you were able to find something that perfectly represents both of you and your unique relationship.

  • LifeSheWrote

    Love it! It’s beautiful and what a cool process to getting there. It’s all about the process! (And what a beautiful outcome!)

  • http://littlebooklet.tumblr.com/ Kelsey F

    Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable in this post, and for making this website the kind of place where vulnerability is encouraged.

  • JenClaireM

    Hot dang! That is a stunning ring! Thank you so much for sharing it and your experience. I identified with so much of it. Also, I am right this minute adding “get rings insured” to my to-do list and am going to call my insurance later today to get it done. I’ve been meaning to forever, and this is a good reminder.

    • carolynprobably

      For what it’s worth, my ring costs $7 PER YEAR as a rider to our renters’. DO IT TODAY.

  • Maria Bengtson

    I have a cocktail ring that is shaped very similarly to yours (but has a leaf/botanical theme going on) for a wedding ring. I love it. It is pretty and feminine and doesn’t get in the way when I am fixing machinery or cooking or using my hands for anything else (except my hair, it does catch when I try to do my hair). When we started shopping I actually thought I hated diamond rings, but I actually just hate tall rings. Diamonds are just fine.

    As for the “timeless is a waste of time,” preach it, Sister! I picked out a ring I would have loved at 6, at 16, and at 26. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

  • Polly

    I canNOT tell you how much I needed this today! Thank you!!!!!

  • http://cheriarmour.com Cheri Armour

    What a cool story! I could not stop reading!

    http://cheriarmour.com

  • H

    Catching up after a week offline and I just had to chime in on this one. For starters, that ring is stunning! And this post is just what the doctor ordered, as usual. I have a whole slew of emotional issues with my engagement ring. Don’t get me wrong, I love it to death, but like you the ring I wear isn’t the ring he proposed with, and that sort of upsets me. It feels taboo to “change” rings when there is so much pressure to get it right the first time. I usually don’t talk about the fact that we picked out a new ring together a year into our engagement because the reactions are always that it’s a such a shame about the original, but that this one is a pretty “replacement”. It’s my damn engagement ring, stop referring to it as some sort of filler! *strokes ring protectively* The new ring is me in a way the original family ring never was. It’s crazy that I should feel embarrassed to admit that, but I am. Thanks for sharing Meg.

    • S

      I feel like I’m always really confused when people talk about second engagement rings/placeholders/replacements, etc. I don’t think of myself as a traditional person generally, but I suppose I do have a fairly traditional view that the ring that is used to propose with or is originally chosen to be an engagement ring is, well, the engagement ring, and any subsequent rings are sort of exempt from being the engagement ring by virtue of the fact that they…weren’t the ring that was worn during the engagement? I don’t say this as someone with any sort of vested interest in engagement rings or proposals or anything (personally I’m not really a fan of either, though I’m sure as heck as a fan of pretty rings!) I don’t know, I suppose for me (and especially being a writer) it’s a language issue. It’s certainly NOT a principle issue and I have no qualms about people buying second rings etc – people should make decisions in life based on what makes them happiest and if they want any amount of rings they should go for it! – but more, like….you can’t call your second child your first child, because the kid simply wasn’t born first, is an example how I look at it. That being said I am 100% aware my views are only my own, and if someone wants to refer to a ring bought after the fact as an engagement ring I don’t feel as though they need to justify their decisions to me, a third party. I’ll call someone’s ring an engagement ring if that’s how they wish for it to be referred to, because it’s their life, not mine! I would certainly never want to make anyone feel as though I wasn’t respecting their choices. It’s similar to how I feel about multiple wedding bands. I don’t understand the trend, but my opinion should have no standing on anyone else’s life!

      • H

        I understand where you’re coming from. I just have this huge mental roadblock when it comes to the fact that I’m wearing “take 2″, a ring with no real proposal attached to it except the fact that my fiance insisted on putting it on my finger when we got it in the mail. I think back on my proposal fondly, but the fact of the matter is, the ring I was proposed to with was unwearable. It was a base metal that had been mis-hallmarked and did all sorts of strange things the first few months (everyone thought it was a family heirloom but it was in fact costume jewelry that did not hold up for long). So now that I have a ring I can safely wear, that I absolutely love, I have that little bit of disappointment that we didn’t start with it in the first place. I feel so whiney trying to explain myself…poor me and my two rings, lol. I just wish there wasn’t such a stigma around changing rings. I’d love to gaze down at my left hand and think “Ah yes, the ring he proposed with” but I can’t because it’s not. So when someone reminds me that this one is a mere replacement (true enough) it hurts a little extra. Does that make sense? I feel as though I missed out on something when people pity the situation when all I really want is for people to say “Oh, that’s lovely!” I suppose a few years down the line it won’t even matter. This piece was just helpful for me because it reminds me that other people lose, have stolen, elect to replace engagement rings all the time and live to tell about it.