Open Thread: Letting Off Steam


It's the final countdown

by Lucy Bennett, Deputy Editor

Open Thread: Letting Off Steam | A Practical Wedding

This time two years ago, I was approximately one month away from our wedding. I remember it being a whirlwind: thirty days filled with bachelorette shenanigans, crafts, to-do lists several miles long, and very excited friends congratulating me at every turn. Almost there! Not long now! You’re basically done!

But what I remember most keenly from that time was the pressure buildup. The final weeks were the point where I felt the most stressed, probably because it’s that point where plans begin to lock together, or fail miserably. We weren’t far along enough to throw our hands up and declare that whatever happened, happened and let wedding zen take over. In some cases, things were coming together perfectly: our venue gave us no last minute issues, people had booked cabins easily, and our caterers seemed prepared for any possible mishap—they’d given me answers to questions weeks before I thought to ask them.

In other cases… things had completely fallen apart. My musician friend had been signed to a record label (yay!), which left his schedule completely blocked (boo.), so we put all our trust into the DJ he recommended, no questions asked. I needed to call or hunt down almost half of our guest list for their RSVPs, which meant spending my lunch breaks eating a sandwich in my car so I could have a quiet place to make twenty phone calls in a row. And the crafts I had decided to make, still some of my favorite pieces from the wedding, were the type that I didn’t feel comfortable delegating.

In short, making tiny books for every table had completely taken over my free time, and I’m pretty sure each paper cut represented a tick mark in my slow descent into madness. It felt a bit like this, but it also felt intensely physical. All the running around and gathering (sometimes heavy) supplies, combined with all the emotional parts of wedding planning simply wore me out, but also left me primed to explode at any given moment.

When they could, my friends and family helped, but what I really needed in that moment was a vent—some kind of valve release for all the pressure. It’s unfortunate that the minute any negative comment about your wedding happens to come out of your mouth, everyone else feels the need to assign it some extra meaning. Negative comments about the planning? You’re being all crazy. Negative comments about your family? Well what did you do to make them act like that? Negative comments about your partner? Cold feet.

Today, I thought I’d give past-Lucy a little gift by giving you a place to vent. What aspect of your wedding is making you nuts right now? No judgment. What do you need to get off your chest in a safe place? We understand. And married folks, stick around! If you’re anything like me, you probably remember those moments when you could have used a good listener. Let’s help out our soon-to-be marrieds by lending an ear, telling them it’s totally normal to feel that way, they’re not alone, and it’s all going to be (more or less) okay in the end.

Lucy Bennett

Lucy is the Deputy Editor of APW and a freelance designer/ writer hybrid. When not coming up with weird self-challenges, she can be found marathoning TV shows or playing board games. She lives in Atlanta with her husband, her moderately-internet-famous-pup, and two cats. She takes herself very seriously.

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  • Moe

    What a great thing to do for those in the home-stretch. You’re almost there!! Let the venting begin!
    I remember thinking that I was so close to being finished with planning and then realizing that there were still a lot of unanswered questions. How would all my wedding supplies move out of my apartment and get to the venue? Why were all the hotels suddenly sold out on my city? (It was a rowing competition) Who would was going to put up all these damn decorations?
    I got married. So it all worked out.

    • Moe

      PS: If you live in the Los Angeles area, I found a great resource at work this week!!! http://schlepandfetch.com/home.html This company will pick-up and deliver things for you!! Need someone to pick up your dress at the cleaners? Need someone to deliver the food for your rehearsal dinner? Call these guys!

    • JSwen

      Exactly! So who did put up all those damn decorations, if I might ask? :)

      • Moe

        I had a private FB group page for friends who wanted to help with the wedding. I asked for help with all of those things including making small flower centerpieces, hanging paper lanterns, cutting craft paper table runners etc… People responded and committed to showing up on rehearsal day to do all those things. I had a crew of about 15 people to help!!!

        One thing I did right: I labelled the outside of each box with it’s contents so that anyone could find what they were looking for without having to ask me. Looking for centerpiece containers? There’s a box for it!

        One thing I could have done better: If I had made a list of things that needed to get done I would not have been pulled in a hundred directions at once. Which made me freak out a little bit.

        • Peekayla

          That is such a good idea!

    • Peekayla

      All of the hotels are sold out in our area due to a bluegrass festival that was just announced. We sent out our Save the Dates almost 2 months before the festival was announced, but even still people are complaining to us that they now can’t find a place to stay. My MIL even told us that we picked a shitty weekend to have our wedding. I’m sorry, we picked this day over a year ago, what do you expect us to do?

      • Moe

        MY SISTER TOLD ME she had booked a hotel room six months before my wedding. Then on my wedding day while my niece was doing my make-up my sister suddenly showed up in my hotel suite with assorted family members and had NO PLACE TO STAY AND WANTED TO SHARE MY ROOM TO GET READY. They had just made a six hour drive to LA.
        The room was already filled with two photographers and all of my bridesmaids. I specifically stayed at a different hotel and did not share the location with anyone else so that I could have some distance and privacy from the wedding and the guests. My niece told her where we were at without notifying me or asking if it was ok with me.
        Even now when I remember it I get really mad. I had to ask her to leave and find someplace else to get ready.

        PS: people will find places to stay.

  • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

    I’m 24 days away now and SO done planning (mentally). I never really was a fan of it, but now we’re in the homestretch I know there are some last minute things to work on. I have to work on the day-of timeline a bit and get last minute logistical stuff worked, get my cakes ordered from the grocery store, start putting together our playlists, and my fiance has to take his suit to get it tailored. I need to have my mother-in-law or fiance call to get the RSVPs sent back in from his side, since we’re still missing a bunch.

    I’m tired.

    I guess if I end up married, I’ll consider everything to have gone well. That’s going to happen regardless, so we should be fine. :)

    • Kaitlin

      Can you delegate anything, either moving or wedding related? Hope the move goes smoothly!

      • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

        I guess I should delegate some wedding-related stuff, but I don’t know if I’m exaggerating how much work it is. My to-do list isn’t that long unless I’m forgetting something (could be) and I think I’m just letting it stress me out unnecessarily, maybe?

        My job ends the week before the wedding since we’re moving only a couple days after, so hopefully anything that gets forgotten can be taken care of at that time.

      • Rebekah

        I was going to say this same thing. Delegate RSVP retrieval, cake orders, and playlists to the groom or MIL. Day of timeline is easy to tweak with your DOC, APW Docs, or I used my photographer’s knowledge. You got this!

        • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

          Good point on the photographer. I’m meeting with her next week to discuss final details so I’ll ask her about the timeline. I have started putting it together, I just need to finalize it.

          Also, I’m going to my hometown this weekend to have a family bridal shower, and I’m going to ask my aunt to be my day-of-coordinator. We’re been using the APW All-in-One Wedding Planner spreadsheet for months (LIFE SAVER) and I’m planning to just hand off the timeline on the day of. Hopefully that will help.

          I got spotify premium yesterday, and I’m going to reset the password to our wedding stuff password so my fiance can get on and work on it. We have a pretty good songlist together already on the spreadsheet so I’m hoping it’ll be pretty painless… urgh. ;)

  • Laura C

    About 3 months out. Two weeks after we sent out invitations to almost all the people on our list, we have gotten my FMIL’s addresses. Which I’m betting still contain errors and omissions, meaning that when cousin so-and-so doesn’t get his invitation, she’ll be asking us why, and the answer will be “because his address wasn’t on your spreadsheet.” And right now we’re at the point where all the RSVPs we get are yeses, because of course the people who know for sure they’re coming are first to RSVP, and while we haven’t gotten any surprise yeses, I’m still freaked out that we’ll end up over capacity. I’m really rooting for some people to send their regrets…as long as it’s not the wrong people. Although actually there’s one person I’m pretty sure won’t be able to make it who is on my list of people I care most about being there…and even so, I’m kind of like “well, that would be two more spaces.”

    And I’m trying to get the big pieces nailed down now for the rehearsal dinner etc and my FMIL keeps telling me not to stress so much, and I’m going “you know, I think we are stressed out by different things. Knowing that we’re not inviting too many people for the size of tent is actually a thing that will keep me from being stressed. Trying to just believe that everything will work out fine and not plan is a surefire recipe for me having anxiety dreams every night for the next three months.” And I’m not even a big-time planner and organizer! But I feel like having all the big stuff done now means that when the little stuff that can’t be foreseen starts cropping up in the final weeks, at least something will be out of the way.

    Oh, and this Saturday I’m going to Boston to look at apartments. Because, yeah, we’re moving five weeks before the wedding.

    • Kaitlin

      Good luck with the moving and the FMIL issues (that has been a source of stress here as well).

    • Sharon M.

      I wound up with too many people sending their regrets. I had to pay for 120 even though I only had 110.

      • Laura C

        That’s like the dream for me — except we have enough local B list I bet we would just fill it right up. Which is what happens when you marry an extrovert with a giant extended family.

      • ElisabethJoanne

        We sent out invitations to 220, hoped for 150, and got 80 guests.

        • Anne

          Yup. Invited 250, planned for 125, got 85. Luckily my caterer is being cool about it.

        • Peekayla

          God I’d be happy about that! Our list was evenly divided (we each invited 67 guests), but my mom emailed us a few weeks ago complaining that D was inviting more people than me and that D’s side will overwhelm ours since his family is all local and ours are not and that it’s supposed to be all about the bride’s side and therefore she requests that these 3 other people are invited.

          I clarified that we each invited the exact same number of people, but told her to give me their full names and addresses and if we get multiple “with regrets” from our side of the family then I’ll send them an invitation. She never wrote back . . .

    • Kayjayoh

      Moving to Boston in Late August, two months after the wedding. Cheers!

      • Laura C

        You’ll have to come to our belated housewarming party in September, assuming we find an apartment…

        • Kayjayoh

          Ditto. We still haven’t found a place, and the next time either of us can get out there is either if I get a job interview or when we actually move.

          • Laura C

            We’re lucky that we’re just a bus ride away (though I am so sick of the bus, I can’t even stand it) and that his mother lives there so we have a place to stay when we need to be there for wedding planning or apartment hunting. I’m only seeing a few apartments this Saturday and I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I know I’ll be so stressed if I don’t find one right then.

          • Kayjayoh

            Yeah, sadly we have a plane ride involved. Fortunately, our lease here ends mid-August and we know we won’t likely have a lease that starts before the first of September, so we are already planning for a move/store scenario. We have a place to stay in the interim. And from what I’ve seen on Craigslist, a lot of the apartments I like are always in the “available now” category. I am hoping that will still be the case when we get there.

          • APracticalLaura

            Boston rental market is a bit crazy. Most rentals begin August or September because of the academic calendar! Almost everything requires a broker. Try and negotiate the broker fee! Good luck!

          • Kayjayoh

            Thing I am finding: most rentals for August/Sept are specifically for Brighton and Allston. Everything else has been pretty current on whatever time of year I’ve peaked at CL. I’m starting to lean towards just looking for “by owner” places.

    • Bethany

      It sounds like we have the same FMIL. Mine did the same thing RE addresses and names … to the point where we ended up with people missing who RSVP’d anyway because she told them (TOLD THEM) they were invited but didn’t tell us. Yup. Deep breaths.

  • Anon

    32 days to go! For me, the biggest stress is . . . work. I am a lawyer playing the billable hours game two years out from the partnership vote. A slow spring + the upcoming two weeks off for the wedding/honeymoon + superiors telling me that it is “absolutely critical” that I make my hours this year = me stressing out. And I’m resentful of that, because I feel like I should be enjoying this time more than I am.

    Other than that, much of wedding planning has now veered into the area where my mom and I most feel like fish out of water – decorations / centerpieces / flowers, and all the detail that goes with it. I’m trying not to get stressed (because, really, it’s not worth stressing about) and being okay with asking for help :)

    Oh. And money. Almost forgot about that.

    • jashshea

      Yikes, same. I had a career trajectory-changing project going on the year prior to the wedding (with time-off for Honeymoon in the MS Project plan) and was very tense until about 10 days out.

      I also felt like I was hemorrhaging money for the 6 weeks leading up to our wedding. And spending way too much on everything. Not a fun time, but the wedding and honeymoon were utterly blissful. I hope the same is true for you!

    • Mezza

      I hear you about the work thing – I started a new job about a month before my wedding and was super paranoid about making sure everything was done before taking time off, about taking the time off at all, and about talking about any of it at work with unfamiliar colleagues. Kind of put a damper on that first month, but 6 months later, it turns out that my colleagues are amazing, no one even remembers that I took time off so soon after being hired, and the wedding was great. I hope 6 months from now you will feel the same!

  • Kaitlin

    I so needed this. We’re a little over a month out, and I just finished a super stressful semester. Now it seems like the semester is what was holding me together, and I realized I’ve been depressed for months. Cue random crying and angry blowups at every thing. Cue resentment: why didn’t my fiancé understand and accept that I wanted a small wedding? Now I have 20 guests and he has 100, but it’s because no one really cares enough about me to come. Cue anger: why does my mom have to make this about her? Why does she need to keep bashing my fashion choices and purposefully trying to show me up? Why is she parading around like she’s paying for it and she’s the bride when she’s been unemployed for months and I’ve had to help pay most of her bills? Cue not caring: I never wanted this wedding in the first place. It’s just something I need to get through and be done with it. I just want to sleep. Cue self-negativity, all the self-negativity: You’re being a terrible partner, you’re lucky he still wants to marry with because you’ve just been terrible. Why are you fixating on your mother’s fashion choices? It’s so materialistic and doesn’t mean anything in the end. You are just awful for hating the wedding process. //rant

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      I wanted a small wedding too. I wanted the courthouse followed by a nice dinner. Panned out to much more than that because my fiance wanted to be able to celebrate with all our loved ones, and I was not going to argue with that since it is a perfectly valid way to feel…. My fiance has been a huge help throughout the planning process, but planning this shebang has not been fun. At least we’re almost there!! Before long, it’ll be all over.

      I stopped caring too, long ago. It also makes it easier to make decisions when you’re determined to get it over with and move on to the next thing. Part of me is worried people might think that because I hate wedding planning so much, I’m not excited to marry my partner. That couldn’t be the farthest from the truth, though! I have a glimmer of hope that people are more reasonable than that.

      I’m excited to get married. I think the day of I will be ecstatic.. but I hate the planning process with a passion. Just not my thing.

      • Kaitlin

        I keep telling my partner that the way I feel isn’t about how excited I am to marry him. We had a very honest conversation about it at the beginning of the engagement, so he gets it. Luckily, he loves wedding planning.

        • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

          Yeah, between us there are 0 doubts. I know our families don’t have any doubts either. I just have a tendency to over-analyze things :)

      • Laura C

        Me three. Elope and have a party later. Have 20 people total. Have 40 people. Have 60, 80, 100. Fine.

        Then we compromised on 250, and I’m here basically trying to make the rehearsal dinner be more like the wedding I wanted, except it’ll be around 70% my fiance’s family members, which is why we didn’t have a small wedding to begin with.

        • Fiona

          I agree!!!! We are eloping the moment my fiance’s visa application comes through and he lands in New York.
          We are also planning a big wedding, but I know that no matter what happens, we’re getting married, just the two of us, and I’m going to wear a f*cking jumper and then we’ll go get drunk and eat cake and it’s going to be awesome, no mater what happens with the big shindig!!!

        • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

          Ours went from elope + small party, to courthouse followed by dinner with a reception the next day, to small ceremony, 180+ guest reception with several parties/events in the days preceding and following the wedding day (this is where we are now)

          So it went from minimal planning to a normal wedding basically, plus extras because we are in a cross-cultural relationship. It’s going to be a great experience, but dang if it’s not pretty stressful right now!

          • Laura C

            Your fiance is Indian, right? Mine is Indian-American, and yeah. Weddings are just such a big thing.

            This week we learned that his mom was assuming we’d be at a family dinner two nights before the wedding. Except he has plans with friends that night and I have plans for some much-needed alone time before the deluge. Spending the entire evening with 20-30 people just isn’t happening for me, especially with the rehearsal dinner being 70% his family and the wedding being around 35% his family. Not to mention an unknown percentage of the brunch the morning after the wedding. Oh, and we have to go to temple 8 days before the wedding to make up for the inauspiciousness of being married on a Saturday.

          • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

            Yeah, my fiance was born over there. It’s a bit of a misnomer to call our relationship “cross-cultural” since we are both Americanized, I guess, but anyway. Our families are cross-cultural. :) We are trying so hard to accommodate everyone and while I’m sure I’m going to enjoy the whole thing (truly, I love the culture), it’s getting to be very tiring, My fiance’s mom has all these expectations about things (we have to order my fiance two new outfits from India because he has to wear all new clothes to every event the week of the wedding, we have to invite a gazillion people because he met them this one time, we have to have multiple pujas because we’re not having a Hindu wedding etc).

            It’s all well and good, but it’s exhausting just thinking about it. We are both introverts. I’m pretty sure after the puja the day after the wedding we’re going to want to crawl under a rock and not talk to anyone else for a long time. I don’t really want a Sunday party cos I’m going to want to be lazing around with my husband, OBVIOUSLY. That said, I’m excited about everything, but it’s a bit overwhelming to think about. His mom actually scheduled a Hindu wedding the day before the Christian wedding without consulting me, which obviously wasn’t going to work. So we had to hash that one out. It’s just been one thing after another.

            Like I said, I’m sure it’ll be wonderful, but it’s hard going across linguistic and cultural lines sometimes.

          • Laura C

            You’re dealing with a lot more cross-cultural stuff than I am — most of the explicit expectations on us aside from having a lot of people there are coming from his grandmother, and are filtered through his mother after she does at least a little pushback — and even so I feel like it’s plenty!

          • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

            Haha, I consider this to be good practice for the future. His parents can be… difficult… about things. His dad basically said he wasn’t going to come to the wedding ceremony because it’s a Christian ceremony. Which at the time I was a little miffed about, but decided if he doesn’t want to come, he doesn’t have to. I think he is going to come, though. I don’t even know at this point.

            Basically, I just have to let these things go. I’ve run out of energy to care. People are weird.

          • Kaitlin

            My fiancé is Indian-American, and the cross-cultural issues have been a major source of stress because I don’t know the expectations/customs, they’ve never been made clear, and then it seems like I always make the wrong decision. Basically, I totally get where you are coming from, and we will make it through this!

          • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

            Yep, we have some major communication barriers. Either his mom misunderstands me (her English isn’t the best) or I misunderstand her and we end up having to go back and clarify. That, and not being 100% on the traditions means that we have had to change things several times to accommodate everyone.

            That said, I am definitely glad we are learning how to handle this now. It’s probably going to be this way for every milestone.

    • memery

      You could basically be writing what my fiance has been thinking/feeling/dealing with. It’s really helpful to hear from this end!! Depression sucks big time.

    • Sydney Eyrich

      You literally just wrote exactly how I am feeling. Some of the circumstances are different, but basically I am feeling all the same things.

    • anonymous

      Amen, sister. I am right there with you on so much of this.

  • Ellen

    We’re 2 months out and still don’t have our invitations yet. Everything else at this point is in a holding pattern until we can get our invitations. The invitations are a gift, which I am so, so appreciative for- but if I had known it would be this stressful I would have made a different decision on whether or not to accept the gift when we started planning.

    Oh, and I have designed them and everything- I am literally just waiting for them to be printed. And have been for six months. GAH!

    • Laura C

      I’d be torn between killing myself and killing the gifter, because 2 months out and no invitations!!! That’s awful. (Says the person who sent invitations out ridiculously early.)

      • KC

        Knowing they’d be printed two months ahead of the wedding, for me, would have been fine. WAITING SIX MONTHS FOR THEM TO BE PRINTED AND BEING ONLY TWO MONTHS OUT AND THEM NOT BEING PRINTED YET??? Not fine.

        In other words, yes, that is horrible. (Vistaprint, anyone?)

      • Ellen

        The only saving grace at this point is that we did get Save the Dates out, which have our wedding website on them and have all of the important details for the wedding, including an RSVP function. But still- I want my invitations!!!

    • Dawn

      Ugh–sounds so frustrating. Did you send save the dates or otherwise consciously spread the news of the date? I mean– do the guests pretty much know, at this point? I would consider phone calls –delegated– or a quick email if not. Good luck.

      • Ellen

        Yes, we sent out Save the Dates, and people have been RSVPing through the website, but not enough people for me to not freak out over the lack of invitations. At least there is enough information on the website for people to plan their actual travel, you know? (and enough information on the Save the Date for very basic travel planning, at least!)

        However- none of that lets me start on seating arrangements, or confirming numbers with the caterer, or any of that other important stuff. My Type A personality is freaking out!

  • Winny the Elephant

    The biggest stress for me is PEOPLE NOT RSVPING. GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER FOLKS. Like honestly, I sent my invitations out OVER A YEAR before the wedding because most people are flying in from other provinces/countries. And yet, here we are, 3 months before the wedding and half the fu*king guest list hasn’t RSVP’d. WHY?!?! These people aren’t even local! At some point they are either booking a flight here or they’re not! GRRRRR GAHHHH ROAAAAR. Whew ok I’m done.

    • Kaitlin

      Truth! We are also dealing with visa issues for a ton of people still. I just want to tell the guests, the wedding is in a month, shouldn’t you have dealt with this stuff before?

      • Winny the Elephant

        Oh god I could not handle immigration issues on top of this. All my international peeps are flying into Canada from the U.S. which is no big deal.

      • swarmofbees

        My sister had that, and oh man, it was frustrating. A big old hug to you.

    • Rebekah

      Oh my goodness, yes.
      I sent ours out 8 weeks prior (Mark Your Calendars went out 2 months before that for a semi-destination wedding) and asked for everyone to RSVP in 6 weeks. About 1/3 never directly got back to me, but rather thought that by telling my MIL they weren’t coming that would be good enough. I still have about 5 people holding out and it’s SATURDAY. Too bad for them if they have to sit in a makeshift table in the back.
      You can do it! Just pick 5 or so people each week and gently ask them if you should make a spot for them :) Or DELEGATE.

      • Winny the Elephant

        At this point I’m going to hire some big burly dude named Steve to bounce their ass*es out of the wedding if they dare to show up without an RSVP. Cause I’m ordering centrepieces in a couple weeks which means I’m not adding extra tables.

        And people are doing the same shit with me too! They are either telling the ‘rents in law (whom we don’t really ever speak to so…that’s pretty much useless) OR they are all “well of course we’ll be there” and I’m like really? B*tch I’ve never met you, you are extended family of my fiancé- WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD ASSUME YOU’RE COMING?

        End rant.

        • Rebekah

          I think my favorite part has been when fiance’s extended family invited farther-extended people along with themselves. I was like, wait, really? Who are you? And no.

          • Jacky Speck

            Oh jeez, I’ve head extended relatives try to invite people too. “Can I bring my [grown up and living in a completely different state] kids?” seems to be the most common. The most annoying part is that they’re calling our parents up to do this because they don’t know my fiance or I well enough… Which you’d think would be a clue that they’re not close enough to INVITE PEOPLE TO OUR WEDDING, but noooooooo. Fortunately our parents have been great at saying “no” without hurting people’s feelings.

          • Alyssa M

            This is a MAJOR part of why I decided to have a tiny (50 ppl including wedding party) wedding. If I don’t invite the 20 aunts and uncles, they can’t ask if the 40 cousins and 20 great aunts can come. So far only my grandma is doing it.

          • Jacky Speck

            Not gonna lie, I am starting to feel a little envious of smaller guest lists.

          • Peekayla

            Ditto. I originally wanted a wedding of 70-80 guests (which means inviting like 90 since not everyone will come). Now we’re at a guest list of 135 =( I’m thinking “positively” and have told my caterer to quote me at 120.

          • http://irishmexi.tumblr.com irishmexi

            yeeesss thiiiis. Except my parents keep doing it to me, too. “Oh we need to invite Mr. & Mrs. Person AND FAMILY” and I’m like what does that mean?!!? I need names. I need people. Our RSVP card is going to say “we’ve reserved __ seats in your honor” so hopefully people will get the hint that this is the # of seats you get. THE END. but that could probably be wishful thinking.

          • Jacky Speck

            My RSVP card says “__ of __ attending,” where we fill in the second blank and they fill in the first. I think that’s actually the reason why people are calling to ask about additional invites. I keep reminding myself that it’s better than having extras show up completely unannounced… But my wedding is still over a month away, so unannounced extras are still a very real possibility.

        • Jacky Speck

          The “of course we’ll be there, we didn’t think we had to RSVP!” people would be cute if their lack of response wasn’t causing major confusion. I think my fiance is more aggravated by it than I am. He keeps saying, “Tell [insert extended relative here] that if they don’t send the stupid card back we’re inviting someone else!” Oh, if only it were that easy…

          You’d think filling out an RSVP card was a simple task, but I’m surprised at how many people can’t seem to figure it out. I had someone text me to let me know that they were sending the card back with a “MAYBE” because they weren’t sure if they could make it. What is the point of that!?Ummm hello, THERE’S A REASON WHY “YES” AND “NO” ARE THE ONLY AVAILABLE CHECKBOXES.

          • ART

            ha! it’s like the people that answer product questions on Amazon with “i don’t know, i haven’t tried using it that way.”

            WHYYY!?

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      Most of ours haven’t RSVPd either! A lot of those are on my fiance’s side (his guest list is a lot bigger than mine, so that’s to be expected). I’m about to have to start calling some people.

      • Winny the Elephant

        I so don’t want to call people…I hate the telephone…so awkward…Most of them are my fiancés family too (he hates phones as well).

        I wish I had email addresses….

        • Rachel

          Just ask family members for email addresses (fiance’s mom might have a bunch) and use that then! We just send out reminders via email. That has brought in a lot of the stragglers, basically anyone under 45. Now we have to go hunt down a (smaller) list by phone….and I’m delegating that to my dad and his mom, too. If that doesn’t work, then I’ll call too.

          • Brooke

            Great idea!

        • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

          I hate calling people too. Agh! I might see if my fiance’s mom can call people on his side. She’s done the whole “oh this person told me they are coming” thing. I’m frankly okay with word of mouth RSVPs like that, it’s just hard to keep track of.

        • Jacky Speck

          If you can’t get e-mail addresses, maybe try Facebook messages? I’ve found Facebook to be a surprisingly reliable way of contacting guests, especially those over age 45 for some reason. It actually seems that all the older people I know are on Facebook more often than they check e-mail, and if it means I don’t have to make phone calls I’m all for it.

          • Lizzie

            Yep, I Facebook-messaged a bunch of RSVP stragglers in groups–college friends, cousins, etc.–and it worked like a charm…possibly because they could see others replying in the thread and be appropriately shamed for not speaking up themselves. ;)

          • Emily

            That’s brilliant! Haha I’ll have to keep this in mind, we have yet to send our invites out.

        • Sparkles

          I told my partner he was responsible for it and he put his mom in charge of it. It got done.

      • Laura

        Yep. Save the dates were sent out in January and formal invitations two weeks ago (wedding’s in one month). So far out of 55 invitations we’ve gotten 7 responses. I know we still have time but 7 in two weeks just does not seem to bode well.

        • Alyssa M

          Is it paper or online? Paper may just be taking some time to get back to you?

          • Laura

            It’s however people want to do it. Some people are sending written replies which I LOVE, but we’re gladly accepting phone calls, emails, text messages, facebook, whatever. So yeah, there may be a bit of a mail delay in some cases, but I’m prepared for having to make some phone calls.

    • Amy

      YES. Nearly all of my fiance’s family didn’t RSVP because, according to him, “It’s not a thing we do for our weddings” (said in the most apologetic tone possible). What?? I think my sister/MOH put it best when she said, “Do they want to eat at your wedding or stand in a corner of the tent by themselves?”

      • ART

        hahaha WHAT. my younger brother cracked me up the other day by telling me he was going to bring “that meat choice card thing” to my bridal shower. i said dude, it’s called an RSVP, and it did come with a stamped, addressed envelope, so you can mail it if you want. he was like “OH, that’s the RSVP, i thought it was just about your meat choice”

        new theory: if you call it a Meat Choice Card, you may have better luck? because people care about meat.

        • Amy

          This cracked me up! I guess ours is more of a Meat vs. Veg Choice Card, but heck yes it’s important!

        • MC

          We saw a bunch of my fiance’s high school friends recently, and they were all really excited about the wedding but had no idea how to RSVP. “Do we just tell you we’re coming?” We had to explain a few times that we had only sent out save-the-dates and that they would be getting more formal invitations soon. It seems like none of them have been invited to a wedding before…? I can see them getting much more excited about a Meat Choice Card.

      • ktmarie

        Oh my. We had a number of people that didn’t RSVP until I prompted them via email be like ‘Well we know you knew we were coming’ (they bought plane tickets) – but the RSVP was online and has questions about other weekend events and alcohol preferences etc. YOU’RE KILLING ME PEOPLE.

      • Kayjayoh

        Just not a thing we do? LOL

    • HannahESmith

      I remember that. I had a few people drop out a week and a half before. Right after I had to give a headcount to the caterer (of course). Even a few people who had RSVP’d yes didn’t show up the day of (like my aunt). The good news was, a few of my parents best friends thought they had RSVP’d and didn’t so they got to sit with my parents instead of my grumpy aunt. So much better. Sometimes things work out like that.

      • Alyssa M

        Recently went to a wedding where a few RSVPs at my table didn’t show, but the groom’s brother was all excited because it meant there was a place to seat his date… who wasn’t invited because he had just met/picked her up at a gas station the night before… 0.o Apparently the bride said “no” to adding a chair next to him at the head table, he was so shocked… lol

    • Kayjayoh

      I even knew it would happen. I’ve been reading APW to know. And I’m trying to take it in stride. But man oh man…people!

      • Kayjayoh

        None of my dad’s relatives have responded yet. Not even my dad, technically.

    • Faith

      This seems to be a universal problem. And my favorite instance of this comes from the book Otherwise Engaged by Suzanne Finnamore which I will share here because it always makes me feel better:

      “People were supposed to return the response cards, but many of them haven’t. These are people I naturally assumed would be thrilled and would reply immediately. Now I have to call them and ask them about it, and I have to be nice and not say what I would like to say. ‘Hello, I’m sorry to bother you but is it too much f*cking trouble to send that little card back? I put a stamp on it. But maybe you need me to come over to your house and carry you to the mailbox.’ In light of these developments, there ought to be a way to uninvite the people who are disturbing me. I need a longshoreman named Vito to visit these people and quietly but clearly uninvite them. Maybe rough them up a little. I want others to experience pain. I believe it would lessen mine.”

      • Jen

        This book looks amazing!

    • Sparkles

      I found out the week before the wedding that my partner’s uncle, who I hadn’t even invited because he lived in Florida (we live in Canada), was coming because he was going to be in town. I was like, WTF! That’s not a thing!!!!

    • Eh

      RVSPing is a huge issue. I had to follow up with half of our guests (mostly people who I was pretty sure weren’t coming). My BIL did not RVSP and he was supposed to be our best man. Due to a family feud he wasn’t even going to make the decision about if he was coming to our wedding until after the RSVP deadline (in the end he didn’t tell us what he was doing until the day of our wedding). My in-laws where furious since he was causing us stress regarding not having a best man and numbers for the caterer. My husband and I talked about it and decided that we wouldn’t have a best man if he didn’t come and we would have a back up plan (e.g., his cousin signed as witness, my sister’s fiance walked my step-mum down the aisle, we had a sweetheart table at the reception). We also decided that since we wanted my BIL and his family at our wedding we would put as much positive energy into working things out with them that we could (without stressing ourselves out) instead of worrying about if they were coming or not. That resulted in us paying for supper for my BIL, his wife and kids but we don’t consider it wasted money since we wanted them there so we expected to pay for their meals. That said, they weren’t the only ones who didn’t show up. We had four people five other people who RSVP’d who didn’t show up (three of the five told us less than a week before the wedding after we already had to give the numbers to the caterers, the other two just didn’t show up).

      • Alyssa M

        I fully anticipate similar drama before my wedding… Two of the wedding party seem to be bordering on agoraphobia lately (his brother, my best woman’s partner). They both agreed to be up there with us… and we really want them there, but I won’t be surprised if one or both cancel in the days leading up to it. So far we’re really just keeping expectations low… neither one are witnesses… but I’m still worried there will be disappointment/resentment when they don’t show.

        • Eh

          Having low expectations is good. Disappointment/resentment are personal, but I can say I don’t have any because my BIL didn’t act as Best Man. What I am trying to get over is the deliberate actions that were taken to cause me/us stress, and that my BIL and his wife took those actions instead of talking to us about why they were upset (we knew something was going on but we didn’t know the extent until the month before our wedding). For example, we were trying to work things out with them but they didn’t want to work things out with us (my husband arranged for all of us to sit down and talk and they didn’t bother to show up). She had not even booked time off work for our wedding so we put effort into working things out with them (they were leading us on that they would come if we put the effort in – in the end she blew us off and said that we were only trying so she would go because our in-laws were pressuring us) and they knew there was no way she was going to go since she had to work.
          I think there is a huge difference between who someone is, e.g., their personality or their physical/mental condition, and someone doing something deliberately to hurt you. I think it is important to take people’s personalities/physical ability/mental condition/financial situation/location/family situation into consideration when you make your expectations about that person for your wedding. For example, my sister lives across the country – I gave her tons of notice about when things were going on so she could book hotels and flights, my friend and my BIL both have young children so I gave them tons of notice about wedding related events so they could find babysitters as required. My BIL and SIL did not care that my husband was a broke student, working two jobs, living an hour away without a car when they were planning their wedding (they asked him to spend a lot of money on their wedding, they would ask him to do things on short notice which was difficult since he didn’t have a car and he had to work). My SIL was also upset about my husband’s speech because she felt it was too short but he hates public speaking and he felt uncomfortable because one of the bridesmaids had pinched his butt as he started his speech.

  • Fiona

    I’m 3 1/2 months away, and our visa application still hasn’t moved forward with USCIS. I know I’m supposed to be a lot more into details and stuff, but I’m so over this wedding stuff BECAUSE THE US GOVERNMENT WON’T LET ME KNOW IF THE GROOM WILL BE HERE OR NOT. Months ago, I knew I would be in this stage right now, and I was fine with it, but I’m SO not fine with it now.
    It’s hard to care about flowers and photography contracts and sh*t when I don’t know if he’ll be here.

    • Dawn

      For my husband and I, at least it was just parents in need of Visas, so it wasn’t so bad, but my brother’s first marriage Visa got rejected and the second was accepted too close to the wedding date for comfort. That stuff is so stressful! There is truly nothing you can do except wait much of the time. And it’s definitely hard to focus on controllable details when you’re not sure whether the wedding will actually happen.
      Hang in there!

      • Fiona

        Thanks! I do worry that I’m not doing this planning thing right. There seems shockingly little to do? Or am I just not putting extra energy into it, so the details lose out?
        OR I was just an awesome planner in the past few months, not leaving myself too much to do? Is there a lull in planning usually around month three?

    • Fiona

      No changes since February 20th when they ASSIGNED A NUMBER. *cry*

    • Brooke

      Oh, I’m so sorry, that sounds awful! I’m sure it’ll all work out, but the waiting must be just terrible.

  • LW

    YES – this is my mental state right now. 40ish days to go:

    a list of current stressors:
    jewelry for the female attendants in the wedding is taking over my life
    decision about wearing my glasses or contacts

    spending was feels like ALL THE MONEY – it’s overwhelming to look at
    how to invite some people who should have been invited originally but I got stuck in my shame about not keeping in touch with them
    managing seating chart awkwardness to keep my gay friends away from homophobic relatives

    so tired.

    • laurabird

      What’s going on with the glasses/contacts decision? I wear glasses, and I couldn’t imagine for a second not wearing them on my wedding day. But I wear them all of the time, no part-time contacts for me (putting things in my eye makes me feel icky, plus I look great in glasses). I even tried on veils for the first time today, which boy was that weird, and still didn’t even think about taking off my glasses.

      Do you wear them all the time, or just part of the time? Does your face feel like it’s missing something vital, like a nose, without them? Are you just thinking of the pictures, and will glasses look good?

      I’m going with the “look like me, just a little fancier than normal, and in white” thing. How do you feel most comfortable, and most like you?

  • Rebekah

    We’re getting married Saturday, out of state, and we fly out tonight. I moved in with the fiance over the weekend, so my stress right now is finishing packing (because holy crap where is all my stuff?) and getting a freaking ride to the airport. I asked him to do that one thing, and apparently it’s harder than it sounds to figure out transportation.
    My other issue is that it’s supposed to be 100 freaking degrees on Saturday (in Phoenix) when the rest of the week is 87 and the annual average is 90. I know it’s hot and people don’t expect it to be balmy and tropical, but I wish it wouldn’t melt them all.

    Thank you Lucy.

  • NoMoneyMoWeddingProblems

    This conversation could not be more timely! Trying to get wedding invitations out the door for our wedding in 4 months and nearly broke down… I want to have a modest/reasonable but lovely wedding and the costs keep surmounting. It’s really overwhelming.
    If my mother wouldn’t totally freak out if I eloped, I am at the point where I’d just elope. Ugh! This better be worth it!

    • Betsy

      Invitations were the first thing that broke me down. Why are they so stressful? I hope you can ask your SO to step in and make some decisions for you.

  • AnonForAChange

    Cliche bridesmaid drama alert…

    I asked my sister to be a bridesmaid a couple of months after I became engaged because I love her to death, wanted her to stand next to me this summer, and I figured it would be a great excuse for us to spend more time together. I’m 30 and she’s 20. She’s a college student with a part time job and in her free time she generally likes to party with her pals and hang out with her BF because, duh, she’s 20. But getting her to return my (non-wedding related) calls and Emails is like getting blood from a stone. She was supposed to come over for dinner last night and I put some real effort into making something a bit fancier than usual. When I texted her to reminder her the day before she replied saying ‘don’t forget I work late that night’. A couple of hours before dinner was to be served she texted to say she was off at 10.30, meaning she’d be at mine after 11. I told her it wouldn’t work out we’d have to do it another time. Her text was annoyed at me for not remembering her work schedule – “I’VE TOLD YOU A MILLION TIMES, WHY DON’T YOU TATTOO IT ON YOUR FOREHAD” (her caps, not mine) despite telling me that that evening “worked for [her] best” to come for dinner.

    The heartbreak of constantly having to do all the legwork of getting my own flesh and blood to hang out with me aside, I’m kind of dreading her just showing up on the day to be my bridesmaid on my wedding day after basically ignoring me for most of the year. I’m trying not to be petty and remember that I was probably a bit more self-involved at her age too but it feels rotten. If there’s an occasion like my mom’s birthday, I get the present and pay for the meal, and make the reso, and just have to beg and remind my sister constantly just to show up. I don’t expect the wedding to go any differently. It will be too depressing for me to un-invite her to be a maid… Just wish she wasn’t such a selfish madam sometimes!!

    • Rebekah

      That’s rough! My sister’s younger and unreliable, but definitely not that hard to work with. I hope you have others in your brigade you can rely on and delegate to.

  • KatF

    We are having a “guerrilla”/”popup” wedding in the park on Saturday and I am so paranoid that we will get in trouble. I am also worried that my family can be difficult (particularly, my stepmother) and I don’t want to hear any complaining.

    My fiance found out a couple of weeks ago about a work promotion so in the process of all this last minute stress. We’ve been preparing to move and he was out of town all last week leaving me too much time
    to second-guess myself.

    I am exhausted and tired of everyone asking if I am excited or letting me know I still have time to back out of the wedding.

    The only word that sums up my feeling this week is woof.

    C’mon Wedding Zen.

    • memery

      I’m Saturday, too. And also… woof.

    • Stacie

      Ditto May 3rd!

      My dad is ill, and has taken a turn for the worse in the past week. Just in time to get on a plane and walk me down the aisle. How I will get through that daddy-daughter dance is beyond me. I bought Visene. If I use it with my contacts, will they fuse to my eyeball or something?

      Let us all “breathe, and know we’re breathing”, as my favorite acting teacher used to say.

      • anonymous

        There’s special visene for contacts! Good luck! <3

        • Stacie

          Yes, but it’s only rewetting drops, not redness relief!! :

      • KatF

        As someone who has lost a parent — I wouldn’t worry about keeping it together and just hold my daddy really close.
        And breathe.

      • Ali

        DON’T USE REGULAR VISENE WHILE YOU HAVE CONTACTS IN! It will create tons more irritation and lots of pain. Don’t deal with wildly burning eyes on top of everything else you have on your plate!!

        *the more you know*

        • Stacie

          Yikes! Thanks!

          Is it something I could use pre-emptively? Like, if I use it before I put my contacts in, will it maybe keep my eyes from getting as red as they would normally?

          • Jess

            They do make contact re-wetting drops, and I think some kind of contact-friendly drops exist for reddened eyes. Go with that.

            I haven’t personally had issues with Visine and contacts, though…. Maybe I murdered my eyeballs and didn’t know it. Go through a test run with Visine and see what happens to you?

    • jamienil

      I had a popup wedding in NYC and I was nervous about getting in trouble, but there were NO issues. A bunch of people stopped and gawked, and after our ceremony was over security prompted the crowd to move along, but that was it. And we took sneaky wedding photos in the MoMA while it was super crowded, and the guards just congratulated us! Hopefully your day will go just as smoothly – good luck!

      • KatF

        Thank you for the well wishes!

  • Anon

    Thank you for this! 3 months out and if one more person asks me about my flowers I’m going to scream. Yes, they’re silk. Yes, I actually DO like them. Yes, I know that I could have gotten real flowers. Yes, I know that I have an aunt who could grow flowers for me. No, sorry, I don’t agree that it would be “disrespectful to my wedding gown” (!!) to not carry real flowers. No, this is not me “making a statement about hating nature” or me “not being far enough down my spiritual path to appreciate flowers.” (!!)

    • memery

      incredible. the quoted real responses are just incredible. what is WRONG with people??

    • Courtney Kelsch

      Um, WHAT?! There is a spiritual path to appreciating flowers? Seriously. Have to second what memery said: what is WRONG with people??

    • KC

      It’s actually much kinder to your wedding gown to have fake flowers; most real flowers are fine, but it’s possible to have pollen transfer or, if petals get bruised, color transfer from real flowers. Which, I liked real flowers better, so I didn’t care (clearly, I was disrespecting the dress. ;-) ). But still.

      And weddings and spiritual paths and what? People are seriously weird.

    • jashshea

      Oh my lord. That is all insane. Virtual whiskey shot for you!

    • Anon

      Insanity.

    • sara g

      LOL at your last line. What on earth?!

    • Heather

      Spiritual path?! Flowers?! THAT IS INSANITY.

      I made paper flowers for our wedding (about 90 hot-gluing-hours later, my very favorite detail of the wedding), and I got some very skeptical looks, but thankfully most people were so astounded that they were speechless. It was an excellent way to shut down the judgment.

    • ktmarie

      hahaha wow!! I am *not* a crafty person but I channeled my inner DIY and made all my bridesmaids bouquets from silk flowers from Hobby Lobby (Total cost = $60 for 5 bouquets all told). I didn’t tell anyone besides the girls carrying them and no one noticed. I’ve told a few people since and they were like ‘I had no idea’… Seriously nobody will notice the day of!

    • Brooke

      There needs to be some kind of friend and relative wedding pronouncement drinking game. All three of those quoted statements will be worth, like, chugging the whole thing.

      • Alyssa M

        Can you imagine? Just spend your whole engagement trashed… “Take a shot whenever you get asked about your ‘colors’ or theme. When someone tries to invite extra guests take two shots. When someone invokes religion to cause drama, chug the effing bottle.”

    • JDrives

      That last one makes me want to crazy-laugh.

    • Alison O

      Wedding dresses’ feelings are very easily hurt, you know. You shouldn’t disrespect them.

  • Just want to buy napkins!

    11 Days out. all I need to do is some last minute shopping, but because I’m stuck in stupid France and work 12 hours a day UGH I can’t go shopping. last day of work this Friday; Bachelorette is Saturday and then Sunday EVERYTHING is CLOSED. ugh!!! then I’m off to middle of nowhere France for 3 days, where I hope to do some shopping, but really, not that many stores to shop in, you know? then Thursday is some random holiday so again everything is CLOSED and then the Friday, the same day I have to decorate the room, have time to visit with family who are traveling a very long way to see us,have the rehearsal- The day before the wedding is the day I have to shop. UGH UGH UGH UGH

    • Just want to buy napkins!

      Also, can I just throw in that I didn’t even want to have this stupid wedding anyways? we’re already legally married, have been for 3 months already, and out of the 90ish people coming, 1 is a family member of mine, 1 is a friend; and 2 families are former employers. That’s it. everybody else is there for my husband, half of them don’t even speak the same language I do, a quarter I’ve never even met, not once despite having been with my husband more than 2 years! oh well. Nothing to do at this point.

      • Just want to buy napkins!

        Oh and another thing, Finding out that the french half of my husbands family decided not to come to the wedding because driving 4 hours for “just cake and punch” is too much is kind of pissing me off. My mom is flying 14 hours to see us get married, My 78 y/o grandmother went so far as to get the passport pictures taken so she could come before her dr told her it would be too much, his english side is crossing the channel. even the elderly ones. and his french family can’t be bothered to drive a few hours??? but ugh they really tick me off.

        • Jess

          Can I offer you a drink? I’m so sorry. This sounds awful.

          • Just want to buy napkins!

            Haha, Thanks. Part of it is my own fault. I should never have agreed to work this last month. I’m a live in Nanny and I was supposed to have finished a month ago, but the family is preparing to move from France to England (this Friday) and I love them and wanted to help so I agreed to stay on. Stupid stupid me. Part of it is just cultural stuff that I don’t automatically think of- stores being closed on Sundays, stores being closed for the little hollidays, not being able to just buy a bag of ice; and I don’t really begrudge my Husband having his friends and family come celebrate with us, I’m just a tiny bit jealous since none of mine could afford to come. Things will get handled even if it means I end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off the week before the wedding..

  • Caroline

    Whew, good timing. I’m a ball of stress. Mostly, it’s school, just trying to get through this semester. But we’re just over 3 months out, and while I feel like I can’t do ANYTHING wedding related until I get through finals, by the time I surface from finals, my sister’s graduation, and the trip we’re taking so my dad can meet my partner’s parents and my partner can meet my great aunt and uncle, it will be only 2 months to the wedding. If everything still on the wedding to-do list is still on the to-do list then, I’ll be in trouble.

    My big thing is I need to test print invites at my mom’s since I can’t print them on my computer. And figure out a lot of logistics stuff. And decide once and for all if I’m having a bridal party and ask them (yikes, I know I’m late on that. Luckily I wouldn’t be asking them to get matching dresses). That’s one of the big ones. I’ve gotten over the idea that they’ll think it’s silly, but I’m still a little worried I’ll be leaving people out.

    I’m also sort of stressing about the honeymoon. Because I’m so stressed with school, I want to escape, so planning the honeymoon (well, thinking about it) is “fun” (nothing is fun right now. I’m a ball of barely surviving stress and anxiety and barely suppressed breakdown. I just have to get through the next few weeks and then things will be okay again.) But I’m sort of resistant on making plans yet because I don’t know how much we will have to spend on the honeymoon, and it just seems like so much money (although we do have most of the money for it already).

    I also feel like I have so much I should be doing for the wedding, but I’m not sure what needs to get done really. (Mostly, I think I don’t want to face all the things that have to get done so I’m pretending to myself that I don’t know what I have to do.)

    anyways, just stress!!!

    • Caroline

      Also, I’ve had so many offers for people to help and I know that I need their help, but I have NO IDEA what to delegate to them. I know there’s day of stuff that I can ask them to help with, but what I can I ask them to help with now? What types of things did you ask friends to do starting at about 3-4 months out?

      • YOQ

        We’re just under 3 months out–well, okay, let’s make that “we’re 2.5 months out” and we have just gotten to the point where we really can meaningfully delegate tasks. Thus far, these have been: a) aunt and uncle who live @45 minutes away, collect Christmas lights that we can hang for our afterparty and be in charge of redistributing them to family members afterward; b) friend who offered to help, research how/where to purchase butcher paper that we can put on tables, maybe use to make banners (something that is bizarrely not clear to me) and report back. We gave over the organization of the rehearsal dinner to my parents about a month ago. So, thus far, it’s been relatively small tasks that are easy for an “outsider” to do and that take one or another fussy thing off our plates. Anything that requires research, someone else can do that for you. Pretty much anything that requires wrangling people or stuff, someone else can do that for you. At least, that’s what I’m finding.

      • Peekayla

        I wish my friends and family would offer to help =( I’ve got nothing.

      • Moe

        I lived across town from where I got married and I needed a lot of people to pick up and deilver things. Then there were random small things that I forgot at the last minute and needed help with. We created a private FB group page and invited the wedding party, some family, and all those helpful friends who were asking if they could help. Then I would post a job like “I need someone to pick up pies at the bakery at 10am the morning of the wedding.” or “I forgot I need Sharpie markers for rehearsal, can someone bring them?” All those little things got taken care of.

        • Jess

          This is a great idea!

  • sara g

    WHY IS EVERYONE SO CONCERNED ABOUT MY WEDDING COLORS.
    SERIOUSLY WHY

    • Courtney Kelsch

      This times a million. I just keep saying: ALL THE COLORS!

      • sara g

        I keep telling people “I dunno…I guess our theme is wildflowers….? and the bridesmaids are wearing blue?” and I get looked at like I have three heads. Who knew that color schemes were so important.

        • MC

          My MIL decided that since we are going to the farmer’s market on the morning of our wedding that our theme is “farmer’s market.” What?!

          • Alyssa M

            omg, I so don’t have a theme, but even though it is completely unrelated to anything at the wedding, I wanna tell everyone my theme is “farmer’s market” now! I fully intend to visit the sunday morning market the day after our wedding… can that count?

    • memery

      I keep responding to people: um, white? and plants?

      • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

        plants made me chuckle out loud :) :) :)

      • Kathleen

        HAHA – I keep saying “flowers”

      • Annmarie

        Soon to be Mother-in-Law: “Are those your wedding colors?!”
        Me: “No, they’re my shoes”

    • Laura

      Haha! We are one month away and fortunately everyone seems to have gotten the memo by now that we don’t have Wedding Colors. But it was a tough pill to swallow, it was literally the first thing my FMIL asked when we told her we were getting married. So odd.

      • sara g

        No kidding! As soon as someone finds out I’m getting married, 95% of the time the first question is “Oooh, what are your colors?”

        I seriously had no idea how much of a Big Deal colors were…

    • Joy

      I Know right?!?!?

    • Fiona

      It seems to me that the colors question is just when they want to say something about your wedding and ask you something about what’s going on, but don’t really know what to ask.

      I love being totally ridiculous, like, “yeah, my wedding colors are like evening just after dusk, you know, that moment when the sun has just sunk below the horizon.” I get a confused look and no further questions!

      • sara g

        Yeah, I hear you. I know it’s not meant in a bad way, it just gets really old to hear the same thing over and over, especially when I don’t CARE about colors.

        • Anon

          Say, “ALL THE COLORS!!!”

          • Heather

            Haha, I’ve done that. People still give you weird looks, but at least you can pretend you’re in a hyperbole and a half cartoon!

          • Laura C

            I have a friend who asked her wedding planner to see about getting her a version of the cake from the Hyperbole and a Half cartoon and got a REALLY weird look.

          • macaroni

            That’s what I say!! :)

          • mackenzie

            I just started naming different fruits.

      • april

        haha. My response to this question was to just vaguely start rattling off the colors of random things in our wedding: “Well, the bridesmaids were told to wear blue, and the groomsmen will be in gray suits, and my dress will be white, and the flowers will be whatever color zinnias are, and …”

        • Jen

          I love this!!

        • AlisonHendryx

          Um, are you me?

        • kristylisty

          ugh, I’m doing the exact same thing. “Well I have some blue stuff, and some shades of pinks and peaches. Some stuff is gray. I also have different white and off-white things. I also really like yellow stuff.” It seems to concern and confuse some people but I just don’t want to do the color thing. I honestly tried to for a minute. But I didn’t want to commit to anything. I told a few people once my theme was a farmhouse dining room. I think they got it? But I never said it again to refrain from sounding like a d-bag.

      • Jen

        This is perfect!

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      Yeah, I had my flower colors picked out since forever but I never planned to coordinate colors too much. I just picked blush pink and white because I like pink and asked the florist doing the bouquets to throw some green accents in there for the because I also like green. My sister’s dress is a deep pink color.

      But seriously? Why does it matter? It’s just flowers for me, nothing else is coordinated. Because I could not care less.

    • Heidi B

      Ok, I’m glad I’m not crazy here or something for not having “colors”. I say “well, the bridesmaid dresses are plum, and the ceremony is outside, so….green? You know, nature? Flowers? Those have green…”

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      omg yessss everyone asks me. there will be colors at our wedding, but we do not have wedding colors!! we are not a nation!!

      • Amanda Otto

        “What are your colors?” “You mean… like gang?”

        • Jess

          Found my next response.

        • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

          amazing.

        • JLP

          ^ this. Yay!

    • meghan

      This is seriously one of the questions I get asked most– “bright colors”? “jewel tones”? “well, the bridesmaids are wearing blue but will have wildflower bouquets and my sash is green but the groom is wearing a red tie…”

      When I answer like this the confused/disappointed looks always come out, like somehow I am unable to plan a wedding and it will be a disaster if I haven’t picked two colors.

    • emilyg25

      It definitely pissed me off too, but I think it’s just how people try to make conversation. See also: “What’s your theme?” My theme is wedding; can we talk about something else please?

      • Jacquelyn

        Precisely. When interrogated, we answered the theme/color is us.

    • Jess

      SERIOUSLY. This plus questions about themes. THE THEME IS THAT WE’RE GETTING MARRIED. I know that they’re just trying to discuss wedding stuff and those are easy things to ask about but REALLY.

      • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

        Our theme is “marriage” too. I think if I was more concerned with the details I might have a theme. But no. I’m not concerned with the details; I’m concerned with getting married. That’s all.

      • Jessica

        Exactly! This is how I feel. We are GETTING MARRIED. That is the theme.

      • July

        Ahhhhhhhh this question makes me nuts! Cheers to weeding-themed weddings.

        • July

          Erm….wedding* themed. Although weeding could be interesting for a garden wedding. (#sorrynotsorry)

        • YOQ

          Okay, I know that was a typo, but I love it. Can the theme of my wedding be “let’s get the dandelions out of my yard once and for all!!!”? Please?

    • HannahESmith

      Even if you have an answer, it won’t be good enough. My answer was blue and yellow (well mostly blue). I would say blue, and people would ask “what blue?” I swear they would only be happy if you gave them the RGB color code.

      • Alyssa M

        Yeeeah, I got asked so much that I settled on “Well, I like green, and everything else is fall colors?” And everybody was confused by that… so my mother has now trapped me into “Forest green and brown” but, you know, I have bright orange tablecloths and one of my bridal brigade is wearing a red bow tie… so HAHA mom.

      • Jen

        This totally happened to me. “Pink” I would answer in a totally confident voice. “But what shade? And what are your accent colors? You have to have an accent color!!” Then every answer I had after was either a) super unconfident or b) a whiney/angry statement about why there needed to be such specifics.

    • Jade

      I usually answer “what are your colours” with “ALL OF THEM” because seriously, I love ALL COLOURS. WHY DO I HAVE TO CHOOSE?!

      • NicoleT

        Ha, I didn’t! Rainbow FTW!

    • Amanda Otto

      I tell them yes, there will be colors.

    • Guest

      When interrogated, we answered the theme/color is us.

    • Heather

      Literally 3 hours post engagement, my now-MIL asked if I had decided on colors.

      WTF!?! People are nuts. Loving, excited, but nuts.

      • Hannah

        My future (and now current) MIL asked what colors I liked as soon as we were engaged. Then time went on and things changed, but but she always kept those first maybe possible color schemes in her head. SO basically our colors ended up being all colors that I had ever possibly mentioned that I liked together in my life. And that was fun too!

    • Katie Schwing

      My stock response for this initially was “beige and STFU.” :D

    • Sparkles

      From day one I told everyone my colour was sparkles (there ended up being no colour theme), but it shut everyone up in confusion. They would just smile and nod after that. And whenever they asked about the theme, I would say “wedding”. Same response.

      • JDrives

        Oh gosh if someone mentioned that their color was “sparkles” I would be angling SO HARD for an invitation to that glittery sparklefest.

    • JDrives

      My grandma asked me this to help her figure out what to wear. I’m like…soooo you want to match the tablecloths?

      I told her to wear whatever she feels most fabulous in.

      • Janie D

        And how many people have asked me what the bridesmaid colors are, and what color my mom is wearing, so they don’t wear the same color? Dude, wear the same color! I don’t fucking care and neither should you. Though it’s awesome that they just want to be respectful of your day. :) But please don’t ask me to suggest a different color for you to wear. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

        • JDrives

          “Ain’t nobody got time for that” ->> YUP!!

        • MC

          Ugh, yes. My MIL told my mom to make sure not to wear the same color as my ladies of honor, and I had to repeatedly tell my mom that she can wear whatever color she wants, and I will not be upset AT ALL if she wears the same color as my ladies.

        • Kayjayoh

          Actually, I was a date-guest at a wedding a few years ago, for which I wore a fun, eggplant-colored swing dress that I got off of Unique Vintage. My date (now fiance) was singing in the wedding, so I was sitting by myself before the ceremony, chilling on the grounds of the venue. Then I saw the bridal party: the bridesmaids were all doing the same color, different dresses thing in my *exact* purple. Since I perfectly matched them in color and they all had different dress styles, I suddenly felt like I was some sort of guerrilla bridesmaid, or an understudy. Needless to say, I felt SUPER awkward for a little while, mostly since I didn’t really know the bride at the time.

          (I find it hilarious now.)

    • Melissa

      AMEN. What are we, a freaking sports team? (And when I say, “It’s more of a palette than specific colors,” their eyes start to glaze over as they slowly back away… because clearly this statement can only mean that my inner she-Hulk is about to come out.)

    • Julia27

      SERIOUSLY THIS STATEMENT IS MY LIFE. I don’t know what my colors are yet. I’m just trying to make it through this semester in one piece. What colors are “getting married” colors, ’cause that’s what I have right now.

    • EmilyRose

      I take the opposite approach and go into insane amounts of detail (almost as a defense strategy – the more I keep talking, the less room they have to ask more annoying questions!)
      Along the lines of:
      “Well, it’s sort of gold and ivory, with a kind of pale blush-peach colour, but not a really yellowy-gold, you know? More of a warm peachy gold. And I can’t decide between white and ivory, I think I’m leaning towards more of a bone-ivory colour, but then I keep coming back to pure white, because the napkins are pure white, and I don’t want the bridesmaids’ skirts to clash with them? And I also want there to be a touch of blue, I would say baby blue but it’s more of a periwinkle blue, you know like those blue hydrangeas you can get? Actually, they are slightly too lilac-y purple, it definitely has to be a blue rather than a lilac…”
      etc. etc. etc., by which point their eyes have glazed over so much that I can make a quick getaway.

    • JLSeldon7

      I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason people care about colors is for two reasons
      1) they want to have something to talk about and weddings can get emotionally charged so they chose colors, because its hard to have your colors be offensive. It’s like asking pregnant ladies about the gender of their kid- its just a question that gets asked because its “safe”
      2) Perhaps it really is they want to know what to wear and don’t want to wear the same color as your bridesmaids.

    • E

      We eventually just told people “green and blue.” But there was also a lot of yellow stuff. And if I mentioned it, sometimes heads would explode due to the idea of three colors. People also sort of freaked out when they learned my dress was mostly green (I spent a lot of time insisting I did not give a shit about what color guests wore to the wedding).

    • Heather

      I was just thinking the same thing?! I vented to my best friend this weekend and said “if one more person asks me what my colors are-i’m going to loose it.” is beach or organic an acceptable answer? I am more concerned about my vows and wedding dress for pete’s sake….

    • macaroni

      I just keep saying “All of the colors, basically” and (attempt) to end it with that. But I’m overlyB accommodating and people keep pressing. BUT YES, I am sick of this question, and my wedding is in October. : /

    • JLP

      We have begun to refer all questions about colors to our best man, who responds “their colors are ‘fuck you stop bothering them about colors.’” At least he thinks it’s amusing. Note these questions come only from family, not our vendors, which is awesome.

    • Natalie Wright

      YES. Exactly this!

      And “what flowers are you going to have?” The wedding is October. We’ll whatever flowers bloom then. All of them. I don’t know!!!

  • Courtney Kelsch

    Oh, I so need this right now! We’re 7 weeks out, and I’m suddenly drowning in small projects that have the cumulative effect of feeling like a giant effing project. And since I’m a grad student and I also work in higher ed, this is the busiest time of year for me. So many essays to write! So many essays to grade! And if that’s not enough, I’m losing my job at the end of June, basically right after we get back from our honeymoon. So I REALLY feel like I should be focusing all my energy on a job search right now instead of all this other stuff. AHHHH.

    Thank you, APW, for the much needed vent!

    • Kelly

      Woot woot higher ed June brides! Why on earth did we choose this date??

      • Courtney Kelsch

        Right!? At the time I was thinking, oh it will be great, the semester will be over in May and then I’ll have a few weeks to finish things up. But, no. This is not so great.

        • Kelly

          Hang in there!

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      I feel you!! We are June 7 – not doing the math, no idea how many weeks that is, but probably a scary number. And i’m in school too and dealing with so many assignments and everything is DUE NOW…all I want to do is live in pretty wedding world for a month..

    • Brooke

      Ah, that sounds so stressful! Best of luck!

  • KerryMarie

    We still have a relatively good chunk of time left to get shit done (4.5 months) but right now I’m stressing about the weather. Has anyone else been hearing about fall 2014 El Nino? Does anyone know: does El nino mean more rain during the times rain usually happens or does it mean rain out of season? Should we shell out $500 to put a deposit on a tent we may not need?!

    • Fiona

      YES you should shell out for the tent. you will seriously regret it if no rental companies have tents available. Also, a lot of tents are treated so that it’s 10 degrees cooler under the tent, so if it’s going to be sunny or warm during the day, it may be nice to have it regardless (pale, burnable people like me may appreciate this as well).
      I thought about this myself–August Pennsylvania wedding in the woods–and ultimately decided it was worth the peace of mind and shade (there are other areas not underneath a tent that are lovely)

      • Ally

        SO smart. We were trying to move umbrellas around our patio to shade the pale people who were turning red! This was SF in October last year.

    • dearabbyp

      THIS! we have barely had any rain but leave it el nino to downpour in September. Any word on what to expect?

    • ElisabethJoanne

      In the Bay Area, El Nino generally just means more intense, somewhat longer rainy seasons.

      • KH_Tas

        In Australia, El Nino means basically no rain at all. It’s a geographically diverse phenomenon .

    • Anonymous

      Wait…..WHAT?!? El nino WHAT?!? Noooooooooo. This is my biggest wedding nightmare.

      We are now inviting WAY too many people to fit into our (quite large) indoor space comfortably (and we got this particular (very expensive) place so that we wouldn’t have to spend money on a damn tent), and everyone keeps telling me that I won’t notice the crunch if it rains, but I HATE being in crowded, humid spaces and that is exactly what it would be. /sigh/ Is it awful of me that I’m hoping people are busy and cannot come? :(

    • http://rationalcreature.com/ Amy

      Crap! This is the first I’ve heard about El Nino! (I’m five months out myself.) What a jerk, he did not RSVP!

    • Moe

      I got married in So Cal last April, we did not have a plan B in case of rain. If it did rain, then guests would have just congregated inside the house (backyard wedding) Ask your rental company if you can reserve a tent now and in the event you don’t need it you can cancel a few days before the wedding when you know what the forecasted weather is.

  • Al

    I’m a little less than 3 weeks out and yesterday I had not one, but two people FACEBOOK message me about bringing their children to the wedding. One was an actual question because she misplaced our invite with the names written on them. The other was from someone that I was obligated to invite in the first place, had already sent back her RSVP with just herself and her fiance a month ago, and decided three weeks before my wedding to say “Not to add to the wedding stress, but I really need to know if it’s too late to bring my son (14!) to the wedding because although he was originally supposed to be with his father, he found out that your little second cousin (who is 7!) is going and now he really wants to come too. let me know.” Um NO. I’m so tired. I have a wedding anxiety nightmare every night. I need a nap. #endrant.

    • Peekayla

      I’m getting drama because we didn’t invite my FH’s cousin’s 12 year old kid. We decided to only invite his 3 nieces to have a definitive relationship line to make it easier (and even then we invited an extra guest to babysit the 2 year old during the ceremony because I really didn’t want any kids at the wedding. period.). Because if we invited every cousin’s kid then we’d be adding almost 15 kids! And honestly, I don’t like my cousin’s kids that much. ::sigh::

    • Bethany

      I hear that. Anyone who prefaces anything with “Not to add to the wedding stress, but …” deserves a punch in the face because what they’re about to say will undoubtedly add to the freaking stress. My future MIL gave us really vague numbers when she gave us her list of folks (that included people my fiance had never actually met … but that’s another rant for another time). She graciously agreed to pay for the people she was adding who are virtual strangers to us, other than one or two names. Flash forward to a few weeks ago when I get an RSVP from one lady (who was the only one on the invitation) PLUS her significant other who my fiance and I didn’t even existed … when we ask FMIL about “EJ whose last name I can’t read,” she goes, oh yes, he was invited. … Um. BY WHOM?? I can’t even with the crazy.

      • Lizzie

        Wow, are you my past self? ;) The same thing happened to us, and the kicker was that we gritted our teeth and retroactively invited my MIL’s friends we’d never met AND their kids, only to find out the day of that they decided not to come after all. And we found out because they told my MIL that morning, not because they told US…you know, the humans throwing the party. Womp womp.

      • Katie

        I’m having this same issue with my Dad’s side. Since he’s doing a ton of wedding prep for us (he lives near the venue while we’re in another state) I felt obligated to invite some of his local friends who I’ve never met. One of them RSVP’d for he and his wife (who were invited) plus their adult daughter, who no one has ever met and was definitely not invited. Erghhh.

        We also had a very distant cousin on my Dad’s side call my Uncle to complain about not being invited. My Uncle called my Dad and it became A Thing. I don’t even know how this woman is related to us and I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid, except for briefly at a funeral last year. After a big fuss we sent her an invitation, then she never RSVP’d and we had to track her down. And it turns out she’s coming. But refuses to answer any of my emails. What the hell?

        Luckily we had more people decline than expected so we can accommodate late additions… but it still ticks me off. It’s our wedding, not a family reunion/Saturday social we’re kindly hosting for anyone and everyone who feels like coming. /rant

      • JSwen

        Whaaa?! Oh that takes the awful guest cake. Fo sho.

    • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

      Family friends of my husband RSVP’ed themselves “plus Josh,” their 23-ish-year-old son. As they were pretty old family friends and one of the groomsmen is their other son, we didn’t address it – we had the space so we just let it go and made a spot for him. THEN HE DIDN’T COME TO THE WEDDING. I was so pissed! Like, I made space for you and did not give anyone grief over the snafu and then you didn’t even come.

      • Joanna

        This happened to me too. We had a guest add a plus one to his response card, and we shrugged and said, “Sure, whatever.” Well, this phantom plus one never showed up! Extremely frustrating.

        • JSwen

          Wishful thinking on his part, perhaps?

  • Stacie

    Dear Friends and Family,

    If you thought an issue you were having with some aspect of my wedding would cause me undue stress two months ago, and thusly you didn’t bring it up with me, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CHOOSE TO BRING IT UP THE WEEK BEFORE THE WEDDING?

    Kisses,
    Me

    • Rebekah

      Oh Nooo! Any anecdotes you care to share?

      I’ll just copy this from up above in the thread: “what is WRONG with people??”

      • Stacie

        Oh, my mom’s cousin all of a sudden asking if she can bring her grown son, whom I have never met. Because apparently “he really needs family now”. Um, never met the kid, I don’t think going to a wedding of strangers where there’s no one his age to talk to will actually HELP him.

        And some dress drama with my MOH. She is now wearing a different dress. Again, I don’t *really* care. But it would have been nice to be able to wrap my head around it a few weeks ago.

        • Lauren

          lol! I had that happen too. I left it up to my parents to sort it out. and whined, a whole lot! there were several family members (and some names that i didn’t even recognize) who RSVPed out of no where. it was so strange. you have not met me, nor been at family events until all the sudden you want to come to my $$$/plate wedding. and i am somehow feeling badly and needing to rationalize telling you that you can’t come because i didn’t invite you?

          my “MOH” ended up getting uninvited to attend over a pattern of flakiness. it was definitely yucky. MOH are supposed to be supporting. and if not outright supporting, at least not adding stress at the last minute! however, it seems that you handled it gracefully and didn’t stomp your feet or anything :) you’re in the home stretch!

          • Stacie

            Well, yes *I* think I handled it pretty gracefully. But apparently making two suggestions (1. How about a little jacket to cover your arms? and 2. Is it at all possible to shorten your backup gown to a cocktail length like the other ladies are wearing?), and backing off the second she said no means: I don’t value her friendship and am going to make her wear a dress that makes her “look like a fool”, and “hate her because I think she is too fat to wear the dress she ordered”. Talk about projection.

            Did I mention my dad is dying? Yeah. Bigger fish to fry.

        • Robyn

          My MOH can no longer fit into her dress… and failed to tell me up until 2 months before. And it hasn’t fit for months. woo.

          • Jen

            My MOH didn’t fit into her dress either- but to be fair, she receive the dress like a week before the wedding and didn’t realize her 2month pregnant boobs would be a problem. Luckily a) she is the only bridesmaid and b) I didn’t care what color/dress she was wearing- so off to davids bridal we went and found her an adorable dress in a completely different color that she completely rocked. But I understand how stressful that would have been if I had more bridesmaids…

      • Sara

        My college roommate’s brother and SIL asked her to pay for damage done to his car about a year and a half before, a month before her wedding day. She burst into tears and he let her wait until after the wedding to pay. :/

    • Mellie

      Ahhh! I got married last summer and this is happening to me in reverse, where people kept things from me during the wedding but then suddenly felt like telling me afterwards. I feel like if things went wrong during the wedding that would make me feel bad (like the caterer running out of napkins and causing a hassle for my guests who had to go get more) then I’m not going to not feel bad if you tell me a week later. Conversely, I later found out about a friend who was going through some really rough stuff who kept it from me for a while because they didn’t want to ruin the day, when really I just wish I could have been there for them. Things get topsy turvy with weddings!

      • Laura

        One of my bridesmaids waited until 2am when the after party was over to tell me how much she hated my ceremony.

        • Sarah McClelland

          This is when the 24-hour rule should really go into effect. If you still really feel the need to say it after 24 hours, revisit it.

    • lolauren

      I’m also getting married this weekend (like 3 days?!?!?!) and suddenly everyone is falling apart. I just want to scream “hold your shit together for one week! One week, people!”

    • JLSeldon7

      My future family chose the day before the wedding to have a pow-wow in the parking lot of our rehearsal dinner to …i kid you not…tell my husband that he shouldn’t be marrying me and …Catholicism wasn’t a real religion. I mean seriously. They had known me for almost three years at this point. ANY other day would have been fine!

      • Stacie

        Holy Crap. How did you handle it? I think I would have gone Bridethulu.

        • JLSeldon7

          Actually my husband rocked it. He told them if my being Catholic was too big of a deal that they shouldn’t bother to come to the wedding the next day or be in our lives in the future. He also said I was a great influence on him. It was very bad ass of him.

          I’m still dealing with feeling like they almost ruined my wedding and that leads to a bit of tension in my relationships with them, but I’m trying to be adult about it.

        • Alyssa M

          OMG bridethulu is my new favorite term. I love that! Soooo much better than bridezilla in a million different ways.

      • Emily

        Wow! That’s insane. My stepbrother was offered cold hard cash in the lead-up to his wedding not to marry his intended.

        • JLSeldon7

          I’ve tried to formulate a good response but all I got is DANG

      • Kayjayoh

        What on earth was he expecting? “Oh gee, Dad, you’re right! I’m calling this whole thing off right now.”

    • Alice

      My future MIL has been causing heartbreak for our entire seven-month engagement. But it sure still hurt when last week she got on the phone and told me verbatim that I am a dark, evil person and she hopes my fiance and I end up eating dirt. We’re getting married in a week! Can’t they just let it go, accept that we’re different, and leave us alone to be happy if hey can’t find it in their hearts to join us? Needless to say, they will hopefully not be showing up for the wedding. Their only response to a very polite email from FH and me suggesting we meet with a family counselor was ‘grow up.’ Seriously? Why?

  • memery

    I’m three days out, and frantically trying to get all of the last minute stuff done. I swore up and down that I would have everything possible done before the last week so that I could enjoy this, and yet… here I am. Add to that that my fiance (poor soul) has anxiety issues, and is basically doing the wedding thing for me (he wanted 20 guests, I wanted 120, we compromised with 75.) So he’s having an anxious time, as we both expected and were ready to deal with, but of course I still feel a little resentful that I’m running around like a crazy person and he can’t even buy new shoes. Not the best feeling the week of your wedding. Can someone assure me that all of this bs will fall away once we’re there and with our families and enjoying things?

    • LM

      It will! I was so stressed out the few days before our wedding and seriously wished we had just eloped but despite spending the night before the wedding tinkering with the playlist, once I got to spend time with family and see all the people who had traveled to be with us, it reminded me why we had wanted a wedding and I got to enjoy being with them in the midst of this big life change. Best of luck to you and your fiance; it sounds like most of the big stuff is taken care of, so even though it can be a lot of small stuff, one way or another, nothing is likely a deal-breaker.

    • emilyg25

      It will just lift away like magic and you will have the most splendid amazing time. Deep breaths. You got this. You’re almost there!

    • Mallory2

      You got this. It will feel overwhelming and stressful and then…it will be wonderful. All the work you’re doing now means that you’ll get to let go and live in the moment this weekend. You are so loved and have a community cheering for you!!

    • Jen

      This literally sounds almost exactly like my story. My now husband refused to do almost anything for the wedding since he kept reminding me “I just wanted to go to the courthouse to begin with!”. I also ran around like a chicken with my head cut off the week before. It will end eventually, I promise, and once it doesn’t- good, bad, or indifferent, it will be over. And you will get to go back to just you and him :)

  • Faith

    We’re 39 days out and I’m still waiting for about 15 or so RSVPs (I’ve spent the last week hunting people down). The main stress right now is the hotel where we have our room block. We’ve apparently already booked all the rooms we set aside (the hotel wouldn’t let me set aside more) and now when people call the hotel they’re being told that they can’t get our rate because all the rooms are booked (in direct contradiction to the email I have from their salesperson telling me that the block just guarantees that number of rooms but that above that we can book more rooms on a first come first served basis at the same rate). A friend of ours flying in from Africa for the wedding was told she couldn’t get the rate and that they needed me to call and add more rooms but then she realized her mistake, gave her the right rate, all is well, until the next person called (because everyone waited until the last minute – which means this is going to keep happening all week as the deadline for booking is Friday). And the sales person at the hotel (a new one from the one I originally worked with, they’ve also gone through three catering managers which does not give me confidence about our rehearsal dinner) will not return my calls so that I can add rooms or do something to keep this from happening again (because every time it does, I have to call the hotel and explain the situation and have them retroactively change the rate – I do not have time for this crap). Also now I am terrified that the hotel will be a total sh*t show and we should have picked another one but it’s too late now and I know this and should just calm down but I can’t and once my brain starts worrying about one thing it then worries about all the things so that’s where I am and will probably be for the next 39 days. I should just marinate myself in gin for the next 5+ weeks.

    • Brooke

      Oh no! I hope the hotel gets their sh*t together. At some point, they’ve got to catch on, right? (I hope, for your sake.)

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      Wait, WE are 39 days out – June 7th??

      • Faith

        Yes indeed! Seems to be a popular day. I have a college classmate and a (distant) cousin getting married that same day (though said cousin and her mom seemed annoyed our weddings were the same day because obviously I should have been inviting all of them and the rest of the extended family, who I see once every 15 years or so, to my wedding).
        Yay wedding twins! :)

    • Jen

      I got to the end and thought “Yum, gin. Gin helps everything.” :) Good luck!

  • Anonymous

    We are several months out with essentially NOTHING confirmed or taken care of aside from our venue and photographer. People keep asking, but we just moved and I’m in the middle of the hardest semester of school that I’ve ever had and I kind of just don’t give a shit about wedding stuff. It all seems like a giant hassle, not like an event I’m actually going to enjoy. And that’s part of the problem. We are inviting 200+ people, and my maximum desired headcount is about 10% of that. This is an area where I have compromised, and by “compromised” I mean “gave in entirely because it’s so important to my partner and our families”. And I feel awful. I want to marry my partner with all my heart, but I am not excited for our wedding. I have been faking enthusiasm and excitement for months now, not entirely successfully, and the lack of authenticity is wearing on me.

    • Rebekah

      Would it be worthwhile to consider hiring a wedding coordinator? Or do you have a relative you could delegate the bigger tasks to?

    • JSwen

      Get a mom or sister or aunt involved if you trust one enough to pick decent food, decent DJ, etc. You aren’t a bad person for not caring about your wedding stuff. My grandma planned my Mom’s entire wedding – that’s how it went down 40 years ago, I guess. No shame in doing it that way now.

    • Dawn

      Delegate. This wasn’t your dream, but it was a lot of other people’s. Figure out what you’re comfortable delegating, establish parameters, and try to really let go.

      Things will probably be a lot better when you’re out of school. I defended my PhD dissertation 4 months before our wedding, and until that was done, I was a wedding-planning minimalist. Later on, if you get more interested, you can start making 1000 cranes or whatever you want–but only if you want to.

    • BuckLee

      Oh my God yes, I FEEL you. We’re about 5 months out here and I’m in a total rut, not giving two shits about wedding planning. I’m a people pleaser, so I’ve been making decisions the way that other people would want/expect (or the way I THINK they would want), and now this wedding is not what I would have wanted for myself. It’s hard to get excited about an event that’s not the kind of thing I’d normally enjoy in real life (huge crowds, fancy clothes, DJs, etc). I’m still so excited to marry my person, but lately kinda just wanting to get the event over with. But I bet on the day of, I’ll have an awesome time anyway. Reading your comment helped me feel a lot better, because I’d been feeling like I was a jerk for thinking that way–but we’re not jerks, we’re humans! Hang in there! You’re not alone.

      • Head in Hands

        Feel you on the people pleaser thing. At my father’s urging, I sent invitations to some step-family that I have literally shared less than 100 words with. The wedding is 44 days away and they have yet to RSVP. We live on opposite sides of the country so it’s highly unlikely they are coming, but couldn’t they just drop the addressed, stamped card in the mail to let me know? I’m kind of dreading having to chase them down for a response. Why did I send the invitations?!

  • Katie Schwing

    SO TIMELY. I have … 18 days. Eighteen. Days. Five of which will be spent out of town. Right now my stressors include stupid glue that won’t come off the stupid jars I saved for the stupid centerpieces and figuring how to get said centerpieces to the venue at the right time. We also need to fix our vows/readings and finish figuring out the preferred playlist to turn over to the DJ. And my dress is still being altered. And I have to make a hairpiece by Friday. And I’m working lots of OT this week and also running a marathon this weekend. QUITE LITERALLY. I know I did all this to myself, but jeez, self.

    • Katie Schwing

      Oh, AND plan the rest of our backpacking out-of-state honeymoon trip kicking off two days after the wedding. But that part’s fun :D

      • sara g

        We’re backpacking for part of our honeymoon too! :D Where are you guys going?

        • Katie Schwing

          We are going here: http://www.nps.gov/piro/index.htm It’s going to be cold, and empty, and awesome. :D

          What about you guys??

          • sara g

            No way! I used to spend pretty much every summer up there as a kid, camping at 12 Mile Beach. It’s so beautiful. We never ended up backpacking there, although we tried to get permits a few times (during busy season).

            We’re going to Utah to park hop — Zion, Arches, Bryce Canyon, Canyonlands, and Capitol Reef. But we’ll most likely just do one backpacking trip at either Zion or Bryce

          • Katie Schwing

            That’s so awesome. I love Arches, but I’ve been itching to get back to Utah to go to those other parks. Great choice; you will love them!!!

            Fiance-man lived in the UP as a kid, and he’s been wanting to go back for years. I have never been. So excited!

          • sara g

            I’ve actually already been to all the Utah parks, but it was 8ish years ago and I’ve always wanted to go back. And this time I get to go with my lovely (future)husband, instead of my annoying family. :P

          • Therese

            I hiked the Pictured Rocks last summer! The UP is really lovely. My Dad grew up there and so I grew up visiting a lot. There’s a tiny tiny brewery in Grand Marais (you can’t miss it, downtown is only one street) that has good beer and fries. And go down the log slide when you get there! Have a blast!

        • Sarah

          Yay camping honeymoons! We’re headed to Mammoth Cave in Tennessee and some surrounding parks.

      • JSwen

        Oh a small part of me wants to do this. We live near the PCT and I thought it would be a good opportunity to hike a good portion of it (fiance is taking 2 weeks off) but then I remembered… dirty trail hair… no showers… so we are looking at Hawaii now. :)

        • Katie Schwing

          Nice! We will be heading straight for showers (or the lake, brrr) as soon as we get off the trail, believe me. ;)

    • Lindsey d.

      Goo Gone for the sticky residue on the jars…

      • YOQ

        YES.

      • swarmofbees

        and a ziplock bag with some rubbing alcohol. Leave them to soak a bit. This works like magic on some of them.

      • KH_Tas

        If you have access to a dishwasher, sticking the jars in for a standard cycle can help too

    • Kelly

      Getting glue off jars is one of the world’s most frustrating things.

      Good luck on your marathon!!

      • Katie Schwing

        Thank you!!!

    • Jess

      16 days here! hugs! you got this!

    • Anne

      May 17th? Me too! Fist bump!

      • Katie Schwing

        You got it! We’ve GOT this!

    • sara g

      Nail polish remover works great on jar glue. So does rubbing a little oil (I just used canola) on it and then scrubbing w/ one of those metal dish scrubber things.

      • Katie Schwing

        I shall try this. I’m 85 percent of the way there with just soaking for hours in super hot water and soap, but there are stubborn bits.

        • Emily

          Straight dish soap on the glue worked pretty well for me. Rub it in and let it sit for some hours. I did all that dang work months ago on a few dozen jars, but plans shifted and now they don’t really have a purpose. I’m refusing to toss them yet, things may change again!

    • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

      Does anyone in your family own a truck or a van? That’s how we got our jars to the venue – my Dad & brothers drove them to the venue (which admittedly was only about 5 miles from their house, so in no way difficult). Or does anyone from out of town who’s also attending the rehearsal dinner want to assist? Several of my husband’s aunts did (because they’re from out of town) and weren’t “part of” teh wedding so they helped in the morning with all that jazz.

    • klk55

      I ran a half on Sunday and will now be without all 10 of my toenails for my wedding on 5/10! TMI. but eew. didn’t anticipate that. GOOD LUCK on your marathon!!! You can doooo it (all)!

      • Katie Schwing

        Your wedding: Now with more BADASS. :D And thanks! Good luck on the 10th, as well!

    • JSwen

      Holy crap a marathon. Go you! I recommend finding a friend with a big trunk (in their car! psh!) to take the centerpieces a week before the wedding and deliver/disperse them for you once the venue opens. DELEGATE!

    • Lily

      Woah, I was just thinking how very very soon 18 days sounds and that I’m glad I’m not QUITE that close yet… and then I realized that my wedding is exactly eight days after yours. Gulp.

    • Sarah

      May 17th-er here too! And! I found ways to get glue off of jars saved for wedding just last week (are we the same? we might be the same.) Vegetable oil and a brillo pad works miracles on jar glue. Seriously, miracles.

  • NrgGrl

    So many feelings.

    First: THANK YOU for this. I was literally just saying to myself, “Man, screw this wedding crap. It’s the worst!”

    My primary rant for the moment is that I am SO TIRED of feeling so alone. Alone when it comes to the practical, physical tasks of planning and crafting, but also when it comes to decision-making. I need someone to shield me from my people-pleasing self and to remind me that the decisions I make are typically good ones. I’m all-consumed by what people will think about arbitrary things like the flowers, the fact that we didn’t send paper invitations, whether my bridesmaids secretly hate me for making them fly all the way here and buy things, whether they think the guests I invited are lame, whether my DIY plans are going to be worth it, whether various members of my family are going to get mad at me for any number of reasons and/or embarrass me somehow. Having all of these doubts leads to some serious decision paralysis, and it’s hard. Part of the complication is that my bridesmaids and family all live on the other side of the country, but some moral support or someone to be a sounding board would go a long way. (And thanks to APW for mostly filling this void in my wedding-planning life so far!)

    I know the correct thing to do is to ASK for help. But even the simple act of asking makes me worry that I’m forcing someone to do something they wouldn’t otherwise choose to do. In all honesty, I want someone to just offer to help me. (And I’m not sure why they haven’t. It’s likely either because I haven’t really asked or because they’re all very busy people.) They all think I’ve got this under control when it doesn’t actually feel that way.

    Thanks for letting me get all woe-is-me on the internet!

    • Outside Bride

      Yes to the feeling alone! And people are offering to help, but being the decision maker is lonely. Also, my partner lives about 2.5 hours away (which is looking less likely to be resolved before the wedding than we had originally hoped), and the physical distance from my person-I-want-to-tell-first/best friend/sounding board doesn’t help. And although rational me (who never wanted a wedding in the first place) thinks all this stuff is kind of stupid and doesn’t really care about the arbitrary details (we need to get married and people need to eat, period), people-pleasing me just keeps worrying about what people think until I have nightmares and panic attacks and ragey out of control crying jags.

      On a brighter note, I am going backpacking with strangers for work this weekend. Three blissful days when no one even knows or cares that I am supposed to be planning a wedding! Squeee!

      • Jess

        ok, that’s it. What do you do where you get to go backpacking on weekends?! I want in.

    • NrgGrl

      ALSO. Also! Can we talk about how instead of being excited about MY wedding, my mother is somewhat jokingly (but not really, you know?!) planning my sister’s wedding …to her boyfriend she started dating about six months ago. Along the lines of: “They met on New Year’s Eve, so wouldn’t it be so cute for them to get married then, and they could even do it here at home!” Just like my mother always wanted, in contrast with MY wedding (which, you know, is ACTUALLY HAPPENING) across the country (which means she can’t have complete control over it and therefore opts not to be involved at all). I was at home visiting recently, and instead of asking me a single thing about my wedding, she kept making comments about my sisters hypothetical, non-existent one. #notcool //rant

      • Sarah

        That is really strange behavior, I’m sorry.

      • Emily

        Sorry for the crazy Mom! :/ I hate asking for help too.

      • genevathene

        Have you considered if your mom’s a narcissist? Has she always pitted your sibling against you, especially if you don’t follow her exact wishes? I always had my mother pull behavior like that at all my major life milestones, but it didn’t occur to me why until my fiance and I recently announced our engagement (and it all came out again). You probably have a lot on your plate right now, but working with a therapist (plus going through a list of books on the topic) has really helped me with some of the emotional turmoil surrounding that. Good luck with everything! Rant more if you need. :)

        • NrgGrl

          It took me YEARS upon years to figure this out (as in I only figured it out a few months ago), but — YES — you are totally spot on! (I discovered this after a particularly bad incident with my mom resulted in me Googling really sad-sounding things like, “what to do if you think you mom doesn’t love you”, which sounds way worse written out like that…) Since then I’ve found a lot of helpful websites and books that feel like they could have been written by me, but I think you’re also right that therapy is a good (better?) route to take.

          She does have a certain knack for ruining life milestones, so I’m trying to mentally prepare myself in advance so that it will bother me less if/when she says something upsetting to me at my wedding. (So, for example, practicing nondefensive responses to criticism, since being defensive only gives her more ammunition.) If you have any books or blog recommendations, I’m all ears! I’m currently reading a book written by Susan Forward.

          Thanks for commenting and I’m glad to know I’m not the only one dealing with this on top of wedding planning! ;)

          • JDrives

            CaptainAwkward.com is capital-A Amazing at responding to people who are being lame.

          • anon

            I’ve found the website Out of the Fog useful in dealing with/figuring out some of my family craziness. There’s a lot of support for children of narcissistic parents there. Good luck with everything!

          • genevathene

            Oh I’m so glad! Not that you had to go through this too, obviously, but that you were able to figure it out! I totally hear you on the Googling of sad-sounding things — though I don’t remember exactly how I discovered the narcissism explanation, I am definitely embarrassed by some of the content of my Google searches.

            Thanks for the book recommendation! I’m currently working through “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

            I’m also working with a therapist to try to unravel some related childhood emotional traumas. She told me that I may have trouble letting her behavior “roll off my back” because I’m experiencing PTSD-like flashbacks to how things felt when growing up. Supposed to be starting something called EMDR next week, so we’ll see.

            Best of luck to you! (And your spouse-to-be!) If you ever need a buddy, feel free to reach out via my username @ gmail.

          • JDrives

            I’ve heard great things about EMDR as treatment for PTSD – I hope it helps you!

          • genevathene

            Thank you! :)

          • Guest

            Sorry for my delayed response, as a former lurker I’m still getting in the hang of this commenting stuff. ;) I’m glad you found resources! And totally relate to the sad-sounding Googling, which is also how I figured out my mom’s narc issues.

            The best resources for me so far have been:
            http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
            http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/ (really great book, too)
            http://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

            I was most surprised by that last one, but some people have shared stories on there that really made me feel like I was not alone.

            I’ll check out the Susan Forward book! Wishing you lots of healing and a smooth wedding planning process. :)

    • MisterEHolmes

      Feeling alone, too. But we’re not! Even if it’s with strangers on the internet, there is a glimmer of companionship!

      • NrgGrl

        I have been following your bridesmaids story. :( I wish it would have worked out better and I’m sorry you feel alone, too! *internet hugs*

        • MisterEHolmes

          *internet solidarity fistbump*

    • sarah l

      When I said ‘fuck it, I don’t want to make decisions anymore’ (about 3 weeks before the wedding) it was so amazing. I had spent a lot of time worrying about how we wanted to walk down the aisle to dramatically different music (him, Holst, me, Badly Drawn Boy), and finally realized that people would still love us, even if our processional felt a little disjointed. I didn’t want to spend any more time thinking about it, so we just paused between the two songs and rolled with it. everyone still loved us.

      even if people spend a moment thinking “hmmm, I wouldn’t have done it that way,” I promise you your flowers will not upset anyone. your wedding guests are adults and will be there because they choose to be (and if some of them are not adults, children will for SURE not even have opinions about your evites)

      good luck!

    • AlisonHendryx

      I’m having trouble with following up with people who say “is there anything I can do to help?”
      Because, yes, you could go buy liquor, and wine and ice and rent a battery operated sound system for our ceremony in the woods, and pick my dress up at the tailor, and write shower thank you notes, and tie raffia to the honey, and get beach sand for the candles, and buy enough cereal/milk/coffee/cream/sugar/coffee filters to get 30 hungover people to help clean up the rented lodge the next day.
      Everything I’ve tried to delegate has gone to shit, so I’m just taking it all on myself to make sure its done and done right.
      Oh, wait, you’re flying in from halfway across the country the day before the wedding? Then, NO. NO, there is NOTHING you can do to help. Thanks for asking.

    • Carolyn Valdez

      YES. YES. So much yes. I have the same thoughts about DIYing, bridesmaids, decision-making and all the rest. I tell myself I’m doing what I want… but then I just realize the guest list is 150, and I f***ing hate big weddings. And flowers. And colors. And cake (ok not cake, I like cake).
      I’m 6 months out and my mom and MIL don’t want to “interfere” with my planning, so they’re letting me do it all. “Letting me”. Yeah. I feel you!

  • Katie*

    What timing! Just had a tough conversation with FH last night, mainly focusing on his unease with a church ceremony (which we discussed for several months before we even got engaged). Apparently this is still unresolved, so we spent an hour trying to accommodate this continuing issue. These days when I come to him with items that require his input (he has a busy job, and I have the time/energy), all he can think about is the church part and has a hard time wanting to focus on the non-church stuff.

    Also, still trying to figure out an audio solution. FH is postponing the song selection (see above), and we haven’t yet confirmed our source for the speakers and mic. I’m nervous because FH is hosting a conference May 16, and will be out of town the first week of June, with wedding at the end of June. I’d like to get this stuff knocked out now so we aren’t doing it last minute or competing with other calendar priorities.

    • ElisabethJoanne

      On your FH’s single-issue focus, can you present a timeline for both decision-making and talking things over? “I know you’re really concerned about this ceremony issue, but we don’t have to resolve that until X date. Meanwhile, I’m worried that Y vendor will be booked. Let’s talk about Y, and we can talk about the ceremony on Z date.”

  • Jade

    25 days to go. Pianist canceled, replacement not responding. Fiance in another country and considering having his groomsmen wear something other than what he felt really strongly about a few months ago. Relative making dress in another state and I haven’t seen it and she hasn’t sent even pictures of the now ‘completed’ dress. Sister making bridesmaid dresses, in another country from other bridesmaids.

    PLEASE SEND HELP!

    • Rebekah

      What’s your drink of choice? I’ll ship a case!

      • Lizzie C.

        No kidding. If you happen to be in Washington I’ll hand-deliver a case.

  • Kelly

    I am still 7.5 weeks away, so nothing is too bad yet. But… I’m at a standstill. I’ve done all of the easy projects and now only have the hard ones left– the kind that you can’t do while watching Scandal. I’m working a ton these days, so when I get home there is just no energy left for things like writing vows or heartfelt thank-you notes to my parents, or figuring out that one last sticky vendor situation.

    • Mallory2

      We embraced that lull and held off on the bigger, emotional, tougher stuff until the final month (with exceptions as required by vendors, etc.). I wrote cards to parents and bridesmaids on the plane ride to the city where we were getting married and finished my vows the morning of the wedding. Don’t know that I’d recommend that last bit, but I was certainly in the wedding zen mode at that point and the words flowed better than before when I’d been overwhelmed with All. The. Feelings. about the importance of vows :) Good luck!!!

  • Kayjayoh

    I am (currently) remaining calm that my plan of hiring onsite baby sitters from students at the college I work for has, so far, yielded me no potential names. We are two months out. But we are also coming up on the end of the semester, so… I may need to shift my plan a bit.

    • KC

      Local mom’s groups, churches, etc. can all net babysitting names, esp. for one-off events (some people are more reticent about people potentially poaching “their” babysitter). Additionally, many students do not plan that far in advance; if it happens after finals, then you plan it after finals. :-)

      It will most likely be totally okay. Congratulations on remaining calm!

      • Kayjayoh

        What worries me about the end of classes is that everyone disappears.

        I know I’ll have other sources, I am just realizing that it might not be as easy-peasy as I’d assumed.

        • KC

          That makes a lot of sense. Any email lists or Facebook groups (or whatever) you have access to?

          Also, is there a student employment office around? They usually focus on teaching students how to get “real jobs” after college and helping them make those connections, but sometimes also have job boards (both of the help wanted and the job needed variety) and that sort of thing and might even personally know people who will be around after the end of classes and who want extra cash?

        • Ellen

          Any summer student workers? I work in college admissions and know that our office alone will have a dozen students working for us over the whole summer. Around campus there will be closer to 100- and this is at a small school. Check with Res Life; they’ll know which students will be around over the summer.

          • Kayjayoh

            I’m also checking with the person I know who works with the connected high school. She might know some likely kids. Responsible high schoolers would be fine.

    • Marcela

      Try posting something on Care.com. I used to use them for occasional babysitting jobs when I was in college.

    • Rebekah

      A reminder, too, that babysitters don’t have to be young. You might try a local church preschool and see if there are any moms or teachers who might be able to fill in.

      • Kayjayoh

        No, they don’t have to be young, but given that I work at a college with a connected high school, young people are my number one on-hand resource. Look super-locally first, then turn my sights outward.

    • Kayjayoh

      Oooo! One of my work study students was just talking about looking for summer jobs. I remembered that she’s also an elementary ed student. “Hey, want a gig?” :)

      One down.

  • rant!

    2 months out. So far this week I’ve:

    - cried because I started feeling ungraceful and unbride-ly in my glasses and wondering if it’s not a “soft enough” look and won’t go with my wedding dress.
    - cried listening to that 33 rpm version of Jolene that’s going viral at the moment because THAT’S A FUCKING SAD SONG, especially at 33 rpm
    - gotten mad at fiance for not cleaning enough, somehow prompted be ME spilling MY OWN drink
    - given up on running a half marathon in 2 weeks because training turned into an overuse injury, cried about that
    - almost thrown up due to nerves about revealing my handmade (by me) wedding dress to my mom this weekend. i swear to god if she offers to buy me a different dress…
    - sworn to punch anyone who asks me at the wedding when i’m getting pregnant; been told that my mom had a dream i was pregnant (decided not to punch my mom, though – WINNING.)

    • Jess

      totally understand that last one. my officiant/friend’s main job at the reception is to make sure i don’t drop kick anyone who asks me that. *solidarity fist bump* (16 days away here)

    • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

      Don’t cry about your glasses! Sure, you want to look like a bride but you also want to look like yourself!!!! If you have your glasses on all the time in your everyday life you should have them on in wedding photos!

      • Mellie

        I decided to wear contacts for the wedding and now the little flowergirl gets confused between me her friend and the bride at the wedding and she has specifically mentioned my glasses suspiciously as evidence it wasn’t me.

        • Alyssa M

          That’s incredibly adorable…

      • Annie

        I started wearing glasses about 6 months ago due to some (potentially temporary?) contact issues. I can still wear contacts, and have for a few special occasions, but not every day like I used to.

        My fiancee also wears glasses. We already look alike, and then she got new glasses that look very much like my glasses. Now we look like sisters.

        Most of the people coming to the wedding are from out of town and don’t know I’ve been wearing glasses full-time. What if I can wear contacts again in 6 months? I feel like I’m stuck in this weird transition period between glasses and non-glasses and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

        (Also, I realize this is not a big deal but logic…whatever.)

        • Sarah

          I also had contact issues close-ish to our wedding! I pushed through and managed to get maybe 5 pictures taken before one eye freaked out and I had to remove the contact. I ended up doing the rest of the formal pictures and the ceremony with only one contact and then gave up and pulled out my glasses for the reception (because of my eye issues I knew this was probably going to happen). A lot of people thought it was my “costume change”. Best part is, I have pictures both with and without them, so I didn’t really have to commit either way!

      • rant!

        that’s what my fiance said when i told him about all of this. that’s why i need to talk to him before going down the insanity hole!

  • Sydney Eyrich

    This this this! I pretty much hate my own wedding at this point. We are about two months out, and I still haven’t got invitations out. I am trying, but I am also trying to finish the semester and keep up at work. All of a sudden we have 275 people on the guest list but 160 seats at the venue. I desperately just wanted a small wedding; my fiancé and I have been together for three and a half years, and I just want to be married. I didn’t care about a huge guest list or a Mexican food buffet or perfectly decorated cake. I just wanted to end up married to him. But, he wanted a big wedding. Our family/friend dynamic is such that we either needed to have a really small wedding (just immediate family) or a huge wedding (so as not to leave anyone important out). So, here we are. He wants a to have a huge wedding but not a huge part of the planning process. We picked early July because of a summer class he needed to take, but he doesn’t have to take it anymore. A May wedding would have worked out so much better. Basically since we got engaged I have been saying that we should move up the wedding and/or elope. No such luck. He is set on July 12. I mean, fine, the wedding we are having will be beautiful, and I am sure we will have a great time. I’m just exhausted and stressed. I don’t like planning my wedding. I really don’t, and that makes me feel like a failure at being a woman. I’m supposed to love this and be good at it. On top of my general feelings about the wedding and planning process, I am ready to strangle my future MIL. They have been against the wedding from the beginning, but they insist on being “involved”. They don’t seem to understand that being involved is more than pestering us about what our colors (WHY does everyone care about colors?!) are. Every time we have approached them about a way they could actually help and be involved (financially or otherwise) has been met with a solid “NO”. They aren’t even interested in renting my fiancé his suit. They cite money being tight as a reason to not rent his suit, but they are renting an entire house for their stay the week of the wedding. They have also bullied my fiancé and I about any and all alcohol related issues. My fiancé and I didn’t really want alcohol (for financial reasons but also for reasons relating to his family), but his brother and parents have made me feel as though if we don’t have alcohol at the reception then our wedding won’t be any fun or worth going to. At this point, (remember-it isn’t in the budget to rent his suit), they are offering to pay for the alcohol permit, bartender, alcohol, security (required by our venue if we have alcohol), and all bar accoutrements just so they can drink at our three hour long reception. I am now having actual (probably anxiety induced) nightmares about the fact that we don’t have invitations yet. Nobody told me that planning a wedding would make me lose my excitement for getting married. I love my fiancé and I want to be married to him, but I no longer understand what the point of a giant wedding and reception is. The vows, my dad performing the ceremony, my little sister being my MOH, the promise my fiancé and I are making to each other and God-those are the things that seem to be the point. Too bad none of those are the things that anyone seems to care about. Needless to say, tensions are HIGH in my neck of the wedding planning woods.

    • Sydney Eyrich

      As I am reading all of these comments it is starting to seem that I am really not alone in hardly any of these feelings.

      • YOQ

        You are not alone. Internet hugs from another July 12 bride! Hang in there–come hell or high water (or El Nino or alcohol permits or crazy family or anything else) we will both wake up married on July 13!

    • JSwen

      YOU CAN DO IT! Remember that some people don’t want to step on your toes so think of friends/family with skills and enlist their help!

    • laurabird

      I got to “Mexican food buffet” and though “this girl is crazy, who wouldn’t want that?!?”

      Then I kept reading. Girl, you are awesome for dealing with this, and I’m sending so much love your way.

      (And yeah, you’re not alone.)

  • Emily

    I was thinking at 4 months out things were going relatively smoothly. Then I started reading what other people were freaking out about, and saw something about El Nino 2014. Cue to me googling/hyperventilating for 25 minutes any possible clue that my Lake Michigan beach wedding would be affected (read:”ruined”). Someone should post a warning label on this thread!

    • Liz

      Me too…i am 5.5 months out and haven’t hit a freak-out stage yet, and now that I’ve read the comments my stomach hurts!!! We can send each other good thoughts for good Michigan weather! (fall in Ann Arbor for me!)

      • Emily

        OOOH! I live in Ann Arbor and spend approximately a quarter of my planning time wondering why I decided it would be easier to get married in Northern Michigan then a2…where we friggin live. Lots of good weather vibes!

  • Ann Onimous

    We are still in the very early stages of planning, but planning our ceremony has been eating at me lately. A few weeks ago, I was visiting my parents and I was chatting with them about wedding things. We came to the subject of our ceremony- we are planning to do a secular ceremony with spiritual elements. My mom asked me a lot about FH’s religious upbringing (most of which she already knew) and it somehow came out that she was under the impression we weren’t have a church wedding because FH flat out refused- which isn’t the case at all. It’s a decision we made together, which I think was hard for my mom to hear.

    My sister had a non-traditional (at least for our family) wedding as well, and I think my mom was hoping that she’d get to do a more traditional wedding when my turn came. We are going to do what we’ve been planning to do, but a part of me is feeling like I’m letting my mom down for not getting married in church. I’m not experiencing overwhelming guilt, but I’m suddenly finding myself questioning what we’ve been planning. Help!

    • Sydney Eyrich

      I definitely changed my “colors” as I was picking bridesmaid dresses. I didn’t like the blue, so coral it became. haha

    • jashshea

      I had a version of that conversation with my parents. I was raised as a holidays-only Catholic and am not at all religious. My husband’s parents are religious (methodist), but he is not. My dad was very concerned that I wasn’t being respectful of my in-laws views when we “decided not to do a church wedding”. What followed was an uncomfortable conversation where I had to say “I don’t believe in the things you believe in and I’m not willing to pretend I do for the sake of harmony.”

      My MIL is a wonderful person and expressed her disappointment to my husband in a very quiet 1-on-1 conversation where the message was more “I wish you valued this thing that I value, but I understand that you do not.”

      All that to say, it’s hard when we do things differently from how our families want them to be done. I think you did the right thing by saying it was a decision you & FH made together.

      (Also, you’re allowed to question yourself, too! If you’re not at ease with the decision, think on it, talk it out, etc)

  • Jes d.

    My biggest stress about the wedding isn’t even the wedding. It is everything else amazing and terrible happening while I am trying to get the last few vendors booked before the last 3 month crunch.
    Our landlord told us he wasn’t renewing our lease less than 2 weeks before the lease expired and so we found an amazing place and packed in 1 week in order to move tomorrow.
    I have a project at work that has the company president demanding we work faster because it affects the user experience of almost all of our customers.
    I just got a call for an interview for my dream job.
    My fiancé’s business just exploded in popularity so he is crazy busy too.
    My brain is about to explode!

    • Kayjayoh

      Good luck with it all!

    • JDrives

      Lots of stress but some awesome stuff happening too – congrats on the interview and your fiance’s business! Good luck!!

  • Anon

    Thank you for this! 1 month out and hating everything wedding related. My Mom freaked out on ME because I corrected her when she was giving out misinformation (because she “can’t read the print” on our invitations and is too special to look at our website and can’t remember what I’ve told her). Oh and she is planning a nice sit down lunch for only her part of the family the same day as our beer and hot dog wedding. And fiancé has a lot of opinions and no initiative. I feel like I have to nag for weeks to get him to do anything (look for something to wear, follow up on the details he said he would handle). At this point I just want everyone to still like each other at the end – I don’t even care if things go according to plan.

    • Julie

      I’m with you-I’ve had this exchange 4,957,340,893,324 times:
      Me: Do you like this (idea, color, food, etc. etc. etc.)?
      Fiancé: No.
      Me: What (idea, color, food, etc. etc. etc.) do you like?
      Fiancé: I don’t know.

      • Liz

        pretty sure this is my favorite comment of this thread. I FEEL YOU!

      • NrgGrl

        YES x 10000000000000

        Also, this variation:

        Me: We should really make sure to do x task this month.
        Fiance: No, it’s fine, we’ll do it later. No need to make a decision now! We still have 3 months.
        Me: *(!&*)#&)*&

        • Jenni

          Omg this drives me nuts. Or, we can’t even talk about X in an abstract way until it’s time to actually make a decision.

          • Alyssa M

            We are shopping for a house and my partner refuses to even discuss what kind of houses we’d be interested in, or what part of town we’d like to live in until we get preapproved and get a realtor, I’m like DUDE I’m not trying to DECIDE! Just get an idea! Lets be prepared!

          • Jenni

            Wow that’s frustrating. It’s like, the realtor is going to ask all those same questions, shouldn’t we have discussed it before that point so we’re on the same page?

        • Stacie

          YES! And now, four (!) days out, he’s whining about how he wishes we had another week, and how hard this all is. I’m biting my tongue to keep from reminding him that I asked him to start working on the escort cards two weeks ago, as soon as the seating chart was done… *sigh* Good thing he’s cute.

        • Alyssa M

          omfg yes… or buying things… like, I can’t buy the candles yet because “we still have 6 months! where are we storing all this?” We’re storing it in our EXTRA freakin bedroom, because if we leave all the freakin shopping to the month before the wedding im gonna be totally freaking overwhelmed! aaaaahhhh!

      • Jacky Speck

        AHH MINE DOES THAT TOO. Then I ask if he would like to take some time to think about what he DOES like, he says yes, and then I ask him about it a week or two weeks or a MONTH later and he STILL HAS NOTHING. Ijalksjfdlkjsdf.

        • Laura C

          I am having a moment of triumph on this front: we have just decided to go with the rehearsal dinner caterer that was my fiance’s idea. Is it my first (or second) choice? No. But he thought of it, he argued for it, and now he will be in charge of it.

      • NicoleT

        That’s been me with the venue! Seriously, we’ve been looking at venues for A YEAR AND A HALF. We’ve had that exact exchange.

      • JDrives

        Oh man. Possibly the Most Frustrating part of planning.

    • memery

      “a lot of opinions and no initiative” ding ding! mine, too. you’re not alone. I just want everyone to like each other and have fun. Is that too much to ask?

      • Anon

        Seriously – that is all I care about! Trying to plan a fun and BS free event, but respect people are traveling etc. Nice to know I’m not alone.

    • ElisabethJoanne

      It helped my now-husband to see the big timeline. “We’re deciding on the cake now, because we can’t decide on other things until closer to the wedding, because that is the church’s policy / we need to know how many people are coming / etc.” Also, “If you haven’t given me a decision [or whatever input you need] by X date, we’re going with Y, which is my first choice and within our budget.”

      • Faith

        My soon-to-be sister-in-law (that’s a lot of hyphens) had a rule about these situations at her wedding, don’t point out the problem if you don’t have a solution. People are very good with weddings at saying “Well, you can’t do X.” etc but unless you can follow it up with “But Y would be lovely” then just shhhhhh.

        • ElisabethJoanne

          That’s my rule for everything, or as much as I can. Isn’t that the conventional wisdom for professional situations? “Don’t come to the boss with problems; come with solutions.”

  • Stacie

    Ahem. My new credo:

    BRIDEZILLAS ARE NOT BORN, THEY ARE MADE.

  • Suzy Junior High

    One of my bridesmaids and oldest friends just got engaged. (Yay!) I’m so happy for her and her fiancé because they are both super awesome and there wedding is going to be boss. But…and I’m only saying this because the post above said NO JUDGEMENT!… She didn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The rational side of me is like, it’s cool. The insecure middle schooler in me is like, maybe she doesn’t really like me? Maybe she doesn’t really want to be my bridesmaid? If she is one of my bffs, why didn’t she ask me to be her BFF bridesmaid too? Why don’t I have more friends who I’m super close to? Wahhhh.

    Just needed to get that out into the universe.

    • Megan

      I’m totally feeling the insecurity with bridesmaids and stuff now too. Different from you, but same sort of feelings in that I feel like I’m in middle school again. I have 3 bridesmaids, 2 “forever friends” from college that are close to me and my fiance, and my sister is my MOH. I have no issues with my sister, but I feel so disconnected from my other 2 bridesmaids lately. One doesn’t live locally and the other does but she has had so little time to spend together lately. I haven’t heard from one of them in…over a month?

      I’m trying to decide if I regret not asking my two close local girlfriends from being bridesmaids too. They’re more current “everyday” friends, if that makes sense?? I didn’t ask them initially because they’re part of a larger group of girlfriends, and I felt like if I asked the two of them, the others would feel bad. I also didn’t ask them because they’re both often pretty tight on money and one of them was a MOH for someone last year and talked a lot about the financial burden of it. I just felt like asking them would have imposed too much expense on them that would be hard for them to handle.

      Now the two of them are moving in together because they’re breaking up with/reevaluating relationships with the boyfriends they’ve been living with. So now they’re hanging out together all the time shopping for stuff for their new place, redecorating, etc etc, and I feel left out. And moving is costing them lots of money and now I worry that it will keep one of them from participating in any bachelorette festivities (one already planned another trip with other friends the weekend it’s scheduled, so I already feel sad about that). But I wonder if me not asking them to be a bigger part of the day made them feel left out from the beginning. I’m trying really hard to not constantly talk about wedding stuff unless I’m asked because one of them is having a tough time with the recent breakup.

      Meh?

      • Suzy Junior High

        I totally feel you on the “forever friends” vs. “right now” friends thing. My bridesmaids are my 3 forever friends who know me in a very specific way, and I wanted to feel that level of comfort with my bridesladies during this whole planning process. We are all scattered across the country now, but we travel together, we chat at least monthly, and we talk to each other about the big life things that I at least don’t share with lots of people.

        So, I’m with you on the meh feeling!

    • Marcela

      Oh man. I don’t understand all those posts about how being a bridesmaid is awful and people dread being chosen. I have two close friends getting married in the next year and I’m dying over the fact that I’m not a bridesmaid. I want to plan showers and help coordinate and research djs…etc. I want to wear a silly dress that I wouldn’t have picked out and hold your bouquet while you cry through your vows. But my friends are all… no we know how much of a bother it is to be a bridesmaid, now you get to just have fun at the wedding as a guest. :(

      Tangent aside, in your situation, you might want to feel out her possible reasons for not picking you. Please don’t get drunk and demand to know why she picked X over you (a la one of our notgroomsmen). Maybe she’s only having local people as her bridesmaids, maybe its limited to family, maybe there’s some sort of drama over the number of people in the bridal party. Who knows? Kinda feel her out and see. Also in your post you don’t mention that she has asked others to be in the bridal party yet, so it might just be that she hasn’t decided what she’s doing with the shebang.

      • Suzy Junior High

        Phew! I’m glad to hear I’m not alone on this. :)

    • Jacky Speck

      I didn’t ask one of my closest friends to be a bridesmaid because my fiance already felt weird that we had 1 more bridesmaid than groomsmen and I didn’t want to make it worse. He has since told me that he’s over it and doesn’t think the unevenness matters anymore, but by that time we had already had several “bridesmaid meetups” and the girls had picked their dresses together and it felt like it was too late. My friend has said that it’s ok and there are no hard feelings, but I still really, REALLY regret not asking her to be a bridesmaid. “Oh but the wedding party will be even more uneven” was a stupid reason not to ask her, at least in retrospect, and I wish I had asked.

      So yeah, I don’t know why your friend didn’t ask you, but maybe it was a stupid reason like mine that has nothing to do with you or your friendship.

      • Suzy Junior High

        You’re totally right. I keep reminding myself that it’s not personal- if there was something off in our relationship, she would have said no to being a bridesmaid for me (…right?! Gah!). I also keep reminding myself that I also have a lot of good friends who I didn’t ask because it would have been a clashing of too many worlds or whatever. I have to keep telling my inner middle schooler that not getting picked doesn’t mean that we don’t have a great friendship.

    • Fiona

      I tried to inclue all of my very closest friends (unevenness or no) because I felt pressured to do so and I ended up with this very strange situation of maids of honor (my sisters) and a bridesmaid (friend since I was very young) and a whole bunch of “sidekicks.”

      After I had already asked all these amazing people to do all kinds of things and wear specific wedding costumes, my mom said, “Fiona, you don’t have to come up with all these special roles. They are going to be apart of a very special day, and being invited to do that IS a special honor.” Oops. Anyway, maybe this is very much the case with your friend? You are special to her, and she wants you there. This may not make it any easier (I totally understand how you feel) but maybe it sheds some light on the decision!

  • NrgGrl

    Has anyone ever actually called off their wedding in the midst of planning it and decided to elope instead? (Reading all of these comments kind of begs the question.) ;) I’ve made my fair share of idle threats to “screw it” and “just elope!”, but I’m curious about whether anyone has actually gone through with that.

    • emilyg25

      We had a very serious conversation about doing that, but we ultimately decided that the most important thing to us was celebrating with our family and friends, so eloping wouldn’t cut it. The discussion did help us remember that since that was our number one top priority, everything else just didn’t matter that much. That made things a lot more bearable.

    • Anne

      My former boss did. He and his wife were having so much wedding-related family drama that they they said, “You know what? Eff this.” They canceled their contracts, scrapped their plans and eloped. And they were SO happy they did. I couldn’t – my family would kill me and I’m too much of a Yankee to walk away from all those deposits – but it made sense for them.

    • Marcela

      One of my really good friends has done so. They are cancelling the big wedding and are eloping at Disney. I think what keeps a lot of us(speaking as a former frustrated bride) from actually going through with it is the amount of money and time already tied up in deposits and such.

    • Lizzie C.

      Kind of. We canceled our original wedding plans after my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I realized I didn’t want to be planning a wedding while he was dying. Then a few weeks after he passed away, I asked my fiance something along the lines of, “Can we get married this Wednesday?” So we did. To appease our pissed families, we had a “wedding fiesta” a few months later with a ring-warming ceremony. So we didn’t “just elope,” but the pressure of planning the big party was easier to handle knowing we were already married.

    • KatF

      We did this. Sort of. We cancelled our big wedding and changed our plans to a “private ceremony” and moved the date up a month. Just parents, siblings, and a few close friends. It took loads of stress off. We had already signed contracts and put down deposits, but the money we lost was tiny compared to how much we saved. I did get a few back too. The only problem we ran into was the fact that we had already sent out our “save-the-dates”. We ended up sending an announcement saying something along the lines of – - we just couldn’t wait. we will be married in a private ceremony. sorry we have cancelled our plans. we hope to be able to celebrate with you in person soon. Some family members were offended/confused but they have all moved on. I just couldn’t wait until after the ceremony to say “sorry we’ve eloped”. We haven’t regretted our decision at all.

    • Whitney S.

      We sort of did, too. I was seriously not into having a typical hometown Deep South wedding. Had picked out a whole bunch of stuff for a more inclusive destination venue that I was actually kind of excited about, and we were about to sign on the dotted line. However, I was NOT an exception to the rule of ‘Your people don’t become different people because you’re getting married’, and we were getting it from BOTH sides.

      We were down to the last hour to turn our contract and deposit in, and I said screw this… I don’t even want a wedding. I told the venue we had decided against it, contacted all the family and told them we were done with the shenanigans and everything was cancelled, and told my parents to keep their 10 grand. Don’t try to call the bluff of a gal who had no interest in a wedding in the first place, y’all.

  • Fiona

    I worry that I’m not doing this planning thing right….? I’m 3 1/2 months out and there seems shockingly little to do? Or am I just not putting extra energy into it, so the details lose out?

    OR I was just an awesome planner in the past few months, not leaving myself too much to do? Is there a lull in planning usually around month three?

    • ART

      I think you’re doing it way right. I’m feeling the same way – still stressed because it’s a big party and a big deal to get married, but my friends keep saying “let me know what crafting you need help with” and i’m like…i kind of finished that stuff! the rest is non-fun stuff i’d rather not delegate, and it’s not really that much. order cake, finish playlist. BFD.

    • emilyg25

      For us, there was craziness at the beginning where we booked all the big stuff, craziness at the end where we got everything finalized, and a big fat boring lull for all the months in the middle. So you’re doing it right!

      • Fiona

        I’m so glad I’m not insane. I may be missing giant chunks of stuff, but we’ll get married, and people will get fed (those things are quite established) so I’m saying f*ckit with the rest!

    • ElisabethJoanne

      That was around the stage where I started coming up with favor ideas because I was bored. We hadn’t planned on favors, but I wanted another pretty task. Life came up the next weekend, and we didn’t have favors after all.

    • Emily

      I’m in this same spot!

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      we are (oh, wait, I know you heheh) 39 days out (just counted!) and only NOW am I feeling stressed. The vendors, to me, are easy. It’s the little details, the things up to us that are hitting us now. Like the ceremony, the vows, the music, the little decor thingys, scheduling trial hair and makeup things…I totally felt like a breeze up until now

      • Fiona

        Yay I know you haha. So the stress is later? Dayum, I thought I was just a wedding planning goddess (of not caring and still making it work)

  • flossie

    My best friend had a shitty start to the year which culminated in a violent attempt to escape the world via smashing her face repeatedly against a concrete floor and biting off most of her bottom lip. She is now coming to terms with how to be a bridesmaid-on-show-all-day with a bad facial disfigurement and the depression that goes along with antipsychotics. Our best man who is a tree surgeon had a fall at work and should just about be dancing by the wedding, but we nearly lost him too. Despite this, future father in law is still fretting about how we are going to efficiently refrigerate all the champagne. You know what? If I’m there with the people I love all present and in one piece, I will JOYFULLY drink warm champagne. In fact I’ll drink tepid water and still be happy. This shit is patently Not Important. *rant over*

    • Sarah E

      Sorry to hear about your friends’ shitty situations. Best wishes for speedy recoveries for both of them!

      • flossie

        Thank you – we are all doing ok, but I really needed a bit of a vent about it! x

    • Heather

      I echo Sarah E- so much love and encouragement being hurled at you all via the interwebs.

      • flossie

        And even more thanks. x

    • Courtney Kelsch

      Nothing like real-life to put wedding things in perspective. Sending internet hugs your way, and well wishes for your friends as well.

      • flossie

        Thanks so much – kind words and good wishes are worth more than I expected. x

    • Sarah McClelland

      Seriously. That’s when I’d smack somebody and tell them to take first world problems somewhere else. What a huge thing to have them there with you.

  • Kathleen

    if ONE more person says “it will all come together in the end.” THAT IS NOT HELPFUL. 26 days out. NO, WE DO NOT HAVE PLENTY OF TIME. Let’s decide *now*

    • NicoleT

      This may make me a bad person, but I seriously just want to smack people when they say that. IN NO WAY does it contribute to making anything better. It just bumps them up a few spots on my “People Who Need to Meet My Palm” list.

    • sarah l

      omg, decide now and not just that, but this was the point where my brother started thinking of giant, hypothetical tasks – “we can just find some guys on craigsilst to do it” – no. all tasks must have an owner. who is finding guys on craigslist? you? “I don’t have time to monitor a craigslist ad, but someone can do it.” there is no “someone” anymore! TASK OWNERS!

    • http://gardenvarietycomics.com Dani

      YES! Then the same people will say “Oh wow, the wedding is coming up real soon, huh!” YOU MUST BE SOME SORT OF WIZARD! Makes me want to scream in all caps, man.

    • Lily

      You are also May 25? Twinsies ;)

  • Peekayla

    I’m less than 5 months out. And I could go into the drama I’ve been having with my crazy MIL, but I’ll stick with the latest: My MoH!

    We’ve both been busy and/or sick and so haven’t gotten together in the last month and a half like we used to (in January and February we were getting together almost every other week for either girl time or something wedding related) and every time I’ve try to make plans with her (non-wedding related) in the last 2 months she either is already busy, sick, or cancels on me. And then this past week I message her to ask her how she’s doing and she tells me that she’s feeling shitty about our friendship and that she feels like an employee and that if we didn’t have the wedding to talk about then she doesn’t know if we’d have anything to talk about.

    It completely blind-sided me. Especially since she’s not once in the last 6 months contacted me to do anything, I always have to contact her. She’s been great with accompanying me to the various wedding things (an expo, a makeup show, and bride/bridesmaid dress shopping), but no matter what I have to be mindful of her social anxiety the entire time.

    So, now I am feeling down about our friendship, too. If I can’t talk to my best friend about the things that my FH just doesn’t care about (and I’ve shut my mom out of most of the planning because it just led to arguments), then who can I gush to about things or tell that I’m decided on not doing a candy bar as the favors after all? Because my honey is just going to shrug and tell me to do whatever I think is best.

    • macrain

      It sounds like your friend has really been there for you (as you say, she’s been great about coming with you to wedding things), but is perhaps feeling a little tuckered out. I know it hurts to have her say the wedding is too much for her, but look at it this way- she cares enough to be honest with you. Also, she’s allowed to be tuckered out- as you know from being the bride, it’s a lot! What I might do is give her a bit of space, and let her off the hook for wedding duties for a while. She will feel much more enthusiastic about talking wedding deets with you if she can have a bit of a break. Try not to put too much on her. Are there other friends who might gab about this stuff with you? Your mom or MIL?
      I’ve seen weddings do all kinds of things to friendships- ultimately, I’m assuming you care enough about this person to keep them in your life. I’ve been through some rocky times as a bridesmaid, and I feel very grateful, especially now that it’s me getting married, that my relationships remained in tact. Unless your relationship is not good, which doesn’t sound like the case, you’ll be happier if you put your friendship before your wedding.

      • Peekayla

        You do make some good points. I knew I had overwhelmed both of us with wedding stuff in January and February, which is why I’ve been trying to schedule non-wedding stuff with her, but every time it hasn’t worked out. The only wedding stuff I’ve involved her in the last 2 months is the jewelry for the bridesmaids, and even then it’s just been me pinning every once in a while to my Bridesmaids Pinterest page, so she can look at (or ignore!) at her leisure. She’s also been dating someone new and so I have been a bit quiet and not pushing too hard to make any plans since I know she probably wants to spend a lot of time with him.

        I’m having separate drama with my MIL and I was arguing with my own mother a lot over wedding stuff earlier in the process, so I don’t talk to either of them about any wedding stuff (the arguing with my mother is a life-long problem, not just precipitated by the wedding). My MoH is the only friend I have that lives locally, my other best friend is across the state, and isn’t so great with communication when I email her/text her, no matter what it is about (wedding or otherwise). My other 2 bridesmaids are my FH’s sisters and we’re not nearly as close and they’re always busy since they have families of their own So, unfortunately, I don’t have too many wedding-chat outlets.

        Most of my wedding is already planned, so I’m just down to the easier/smaller things (wedding party gifts and jewelry [which will be part of the gift], shoes for myself, setting up the hair/makeup appointments, choosing the officiant, and finding something to wear for the bridal showers). Other than the months of January and February the wedding stuff would come up briefly in my conversations with my MoH, but it wasn’t the focus of our time together. And, even if we were off doing wedding stuff, I always tried to make it like a regular social visit and talk about non-wedding things as well. So I was pretty surprised by her telling me she was

        I don’t have much else that I really NEED her opinion for. But she’s my best friend and I value her input (especially since her fashion sense is SO much better than mine). But I guess I’ll just have to treat her like she’s my mom for a little while and just not talk abut the wedding at all. period. I’m seeing her tonight for a social visit, so we’ll see how it goes and hopefully she’ll feel better about things from here on out.

        • macrain

          Good luck! I hope all goes well with your MOH. Sending good vibes to you that the drama will calm down soon!

    • JSwen

      Maybe take her for an “all about her” activity and let her know that she can plan things to do with you as well? That’s a rough one. I hope it works out.

      • Peekayla

        I’ve been trying to get her to go to a Stitch ‘n Bitch with me so she can get the women there to teach her to knit (I only crochet). That way it’s something not wedding related and helps her learn a craft she’s been wanting to do.

  • Anne

    My biggest stress right now is… the weather. Which I can do precisely nothing about. So it makes total sense to lie awake at night worrying about it, right? Ugh.

    This is why, growing up, I always thought I would get married indoors – because I’m a worrier and I know that about myself. But then I moved to California, where it hardly ever rains, and I forgot that in most places in this country it’s not sunny every day. So checking the weather for the area in which my beautiful outdoor Midwest family farm wedding will take place in 18 days is terrifying me, because it’s rainy and in the low 60′s all damn week this week.

    We booked our date based on the advice of locals plus annual weather trends (which tell me it should be sunny and in the 70′s on our date, with minimal mosquito activity). We have both Light Rain Backup Plan A (tent) and Oh Jesus It’s The Apocalypse Plan B (huge concrete building). But I can’t stop worrying about the fact that 85 people will have flown to one of the most beautiful places I know (which happens to be remote and hard to get to) to sit in a big concrete building watching us get married while tornado sirens are going off in the distance. Which is completely possible. And then they will resent coming and completely miss how special the place is.

    Everything else, I’m remarkably zen about at this point because I’ve planned for it and I have people to help me. It’s the uncontrollable that’s terrifying.

    • YOQ

      But they won’t resent it. They would resent it if you did not make backup plans (I have been to a wedding like this–believe you me, I resented the hell out of it!) But they know you cannot control the weather, they will appreciate that you made contingency plans to keep them comfortable (and dry, and safe), and THEY ARE THERE TO SEE YOU GET MARRIED. Not to see the scenery, which I’m sure is lovely. Besides, they can see the scenery through the car window on the way to/from your wedding. Which is going to be fantastic.

      • Anne

        Thank you thank you thank you <3

    • Emmers

      I’ve been to many weddings with terrible weather (ie really cold and we had to wear coats outside, and 100+ degrees and I wore black so you couldn’t see me sweat). I remember the weather when I think back on them, but both of them were really fun weddings, and I really liked the people, so that’s what I care about it.
      They actually have some character (ie remember that really hot wedding we went to, but how fun it was?). So try not to worry! Your guests love you, and F the weather!

  • Jess

    16 days. the to-do list is forever long, but i’m not freaking out. which really just means that i’m not freaking out *yet.* haha. so many small things involved in navigating 125 people. and it’s funny how people don’t get that part until they do it themselves.

  • Guest

    I’m about 6 months out and the damn vendors won’t to CALL. ME. BACK. I want to give you moneyyyyyy, don’t you want it? Has anyone else had this problem? I don’t know what “too pushy” is, because we are going pretty casual and non-traditional for our whole wedding, and I know it’s six months out, but I want to nail these things down. Also, I have seen a direct correlation between the price point of vendors in relation to how quickly they get back to you. Is that why everyone doesn’t just order pizza for their wedding? :)

    • YOQ

      Yes, totally had this problem. Damn hotel sales managers never did call me back. I have no advice except to give up on them (if you can) and move to the next one on the list.

    • Ellen

      Keep calling around until you find a vendor who will get back to you in a time frame that you deem appropriate. Seriously. Because otherwise you will have the sort of stress at the end of the line from not nearing back from people that will make you want to tear your hair out.

      Good vendors (and good people!) are out there- you just might have to make a lot of calls or emails before you find them.

    • Megan

      It does seem crazy that people wouldn’t want business. I took that as a pretty good sign that we shouldn’t work with them if they can’t answer the phone or an email. One caterer guy just kind of strung us along forever and finally I flat out said–if you can’t handle this, just tell me, so we can move on.

    • ElisabethJoanne

      Yup. I think 3/4 of the caterers I contacted just never responded. Why have an online contact portal if you’re not going to check it?!

    • Mallory2

      You’re not pushy – you need responsiveness in vendors! Listen to your gut on this and only book with those that respond in a predetermined appropriate amount of time. Our caterer (not the person we originally met with and liked, but the woman who facilitated all other components) was the worst communicator of all times. We talked about going with someone else and losing the deposit multiple times, but never went through with it. And on the day of the wedding, she yelled at my husband. Yelled. Minutes before the ceremony started. About the cake topper. Who does that??!?! There were no issues with the food and the guests never would have guessed there was conflict, but the poor communication was certainly an indication of her overall lack of professionalism.

  • Guest

    I’m about 6 months out and vendors won’t CALL. ME. BACK. I want to give you moneyyyyyy, don’t you want it? Has anyone else had this problem? I don’t know what “too pushy” is, because we are going pretty casual and non-traditional for our whole wedding, and I know it’s six months out, but I want to nail these things down. Also, I have seen a direct correlation between the price point of vendors in relation to how quickly they get back to you. Is that why everyone doesn’t just order pizza for their wedding? :)

    • Marcela

      My DJ stopped calling me back 6 months from the wedding and we ended up scrambling to find a new one. It’s a big warning sign.

  • Kelly

    Why why why does our catering company continually have staffing changes!?!? We have our venue walk hrough (which took countless emails & weeks to get everyone available on the same day!) on Monday and our catering coordinator has abruptly quit the company and all of my emails to her replacement have gonna unanswered. I JUST NEED TO KNOW SOMEONE WILL BE THERE ON MONDAY. ANSWER MY EMAIL.

    • Faith

      The same thing happened to me. Our catering manager was let go after we had the venue walk through and he helped us with all our plans, etc and I FREAKED THE EFF OUT. And everyone told me it was okay and these things happen all the time and I did NOT believe them. But I am here to tell you that (at least so far) it is in fact fine. They got a new person who is handling our event and she seems very capable (if not quite as amazing as the person we had before) and now our old catering manager is manning our bar instead. So chin up, I’m sure it will be okay and it’s their job to take care of you and make sure it works out. Fingers crossed!

  • MisterEHolmes

    I’ve gone so far past “my bridesmaids dumped me” that now I sort of feel numb. Sure, there won’t be a bachelorette party anymore, and part of me is probably sad about that, but right now I just feel like I’ve gone on a mental Walden Pond retreat all by myself. Maybe it’s just a coping mechanism; I’m trying to pretend that I’m ok as a hermit. Plus now I feel like I have to be Wonder Woman and just do everything by myself anyway. See…not tragic, I’m a goddamn hero.

    …sigh.

    • rant!

      Wish I could throw you a bachelorette party! My bridesmaids have been great, but I just *don’t have that many friends* and they mostly live far away and can’t do much, and I’ve definitely been feeling the “i’m all aloooone” feeling because I don’t have a BFF or a sister, etc., certainly no one I’d ask to hold my dress while I pee, as pinterest instructs me is the most important friend duty ever.

      • MisterEHolmes

        Your last part made me laugh for sure! (Luckily, my dress is tea-length, so peeing should be safe! lol)

      • JSwen

        No train or crinoline for me! I’m a big girl now!

    • Sarah

      I was just wondering how you were doing! I wish I could throw you a party too!

      • MisterEHolmes

        I’m afraid that would be the actual definition of “pity party.” ;)

        But I appreciate the sentiment.

        I guess I’m ok. Though I found out today that ex-MOH has blocked me from seeing all her FB posts, even the completely random ones like the Jimmy Fallon video from last night. I discovered it because the ex-’maid reposted the vid from ex-MOH…go to MOH page…nope, I see no posts since the beginning of the month.

        That stings. But like I said, I’m pretending to be a superhero who doesn’t care about such trifles.

        • Hannah B

          So I’ve sort of caught up on the drama, and now am feeling mad at those girls from across the internet. I see NO REASON you cannot just throw yourself your own bachelorette party and invite other people, ladies or not, to go out and have whatever sort of party you want. Or stay in, and have whatever sort of bachelorette party you want. My idea of an awesome bachelorette party is having people over and drinking lots of wine, playing cards against humanity, and watching Magic Mike on mute (I mean let’s be real, who cares about the dialogue). If you wanna celebrate, celebrate! People are always happy to party.

          • MisterEHolmes

            Real talk? Because I’m afraid no one will come. And that will just make me more sad.

            Which isn’t an entirely illegitimate fear: none of my friends came to my birthday party at the beginning of the month, despite 3 weeks of notice.

            (It was a joint party with my SO; his friends came and we did have a good time, and some of the people had genuinely good reasons why they couldn’t make it…but… I’d rather pretend it’s because the girls dropped than because my friends won’t come to my party)

          • Hannah B

            :( I know how you feel. About ten/twenty minutes before any party I ever throw, i lie down on the couch and proclaim dramatically that no one is coming. What if you just went out with 1 friend? or two? to like, dinner? I wish that transporters were a thing, cuz I bet a bunch of us would show up and buy you shots against your will :-)

          • MisterEHolmes

            I’m pretty sure an APW-Transporter Party might be the best party of all. ;)

          • Kelly

            I don’t have much to offer, except that I know exactly how you feel. Maybe the best party is the one you throw for yourself…put on a good outfit, read a book and have a picnic in the park, then have a bath, some wine, and a slice of cake at home. When people ask you can say your bachelorette party was exactly what you wanted and leave it at that.

          • JDrives

            Now I know what I will be doing for my ladystag party. Fist bump!

          • Hannah B

            yayy! Fist bump!

        • Jules

          Oh, I’m so sorry to hear about this. :(

          I was flat-out dumped by my high school best friend after she got engaged when we were juniors in (different) colleges. We’d grown apart, and I didn’t consider her to really be a friend by that point, and I was actually dreading the wedding since it meant having to face some old high school adversaries. Turns out she solved that problem by facebook messaging me. It’s a long story….but I was STILL really hurt, despite how she treated me for a year up to that point, then embarrassed over how hurt I was, and embarrassed about how I got dumped by a FRIEND, then mad that I hadn’t confronted her earlier or spoken my piece or been the one to say “we’re done” months ago. It was awful. And I don’t know that we will ever make things right (a handshake, a how are you, and a wish you the best). It sucks.

          ALSO, I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t still want a party, but I’m totally seconding Hannah B’s suggestion. If there are any girls that might want to celebrate with you, I wouldn’t think anything bad about a bride who reached out to me and said she was planning on doing drinks and X for this night to celebrate the end of singledom, and would I like to go?

          P.S. It sounds like you’re in Texas! Me too.

          • MisterEHolmes

            Woo Texans! There aren’t many of us here. DFW/Austin/other? (DFW for me)

          • Jules

            Aw man, no, I’m in Houston! Like Rachel, hehe.

          • MisterEHolmes

            The curse of living in a huge state!

    • Jess

      I’m kind of picturing you sitting on a stump near a lake singing “Loooooonely, I am so Loooooooonely…” in that synth voice. For some reason, it’s ridiculous enough to be making me laugh a bit.

      I’m still angry for you. Hopefully you can go out and find yourself a new justice league when it’s all over.

      • MisterEHolmes

        well that might be the most depressing image ever.

        It has helped to chat with y’all–it makes me feel less crazy, and helps keep the “am I wrong?” worries at bay.

    • Emily

      They really dumped you?! Wow, sorry. :( I was following the dress-drama on and off, but I missed that development I guess. I had no prospective bridesmaids to begin with, since I lack girlfriends or sisters, and that made me super-sad for a while, it messed up the pretty-wedding pictures I had in my head.
      Then my fiance suggested we ask his sisters, so we did, and they’ll be my ‘maids. We aren’t super-close though, and they’re both broke as broke can be, so we bought their dresses for them. I have no expectations of having any of those “normal” parties thrown for me, since I lack the typical personal personnel who’d be filling those roles.
      So, I’ve been doing most everything on my own from the beginning, and you are a goddamn hero! To have been let down in such a way is crazy-infuriating, sounds like you’re coping alright though. I hope you find peace with these shenanigans!

      • MisterEHolmes

        Best wishes for your struggle, too! I hope the sisters pull through for you and you have a great time.

  • swarmofbees

    I kind of just want to throw money at the music problem to make it go away by hiring a DJ. We should have room in our budget. But, FI doesn’t want a DJ. Does he want to create this playlist and make sure it will include all the generations/groups of people at the wedding? Maybe, but has he spent anytime thinking about it? No. We may well end up doing the iPod reception, but it would be nice if he would take some initiative, About anything really. His response? We need to talk about what needs to be done so he knows what to do. NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO, FOOL. Well, except The Knot. But, I only listen sometimes. sigh. I know I should be more explicit about what to do because I spend an inordinate amount of time researching this, but it is frustrating that he looks to me for how to do everything. Also, I have been thinking about hiring a photo booth, but I think that is just the wedding crazy setting in.

    • Jess

      Totally feel you on this one. The assumption that I magically know all the things…nope…I researched them. I read about them. I put time and effort and thought into it. Sigh. Good luck with that!!

      Also, we’re doing a selfie photobooth (instax camera) so i don’t think having one is the wedding crazies at all. :) Just fun!

      • YOQ

        Do you mind sharing the details of your selfie photobooth? (I have no idea what “instax camera” even means, but I want to change that!) We want a photobooth but apart from bookmarking the APW how-to on DIY photobooth, we have not made much progress on that front.

        • Outside Bride

          So, Instax is the new Polaroid. If you are too young for that reference (as the sales assistant at Best Buy was when I asked), it’s an instant camera that takes credit card sized photos. They are starting to be really popular, and you can now get them online or in craft stores. Michael’s had 5 colors of cameras, on an end cap with washi tape and scrapbook pages. So, kind of a lazy-girl kit for an instant guestbook with photos. Looks like a popular idea this year. I saw the idea first from a brilliant APW-er, so I’d vote the credit goes here!

          • YOQ

            Not too young for that reference–too old (apparently) to have picked up on the new trend. Thanks! I’ll definitely check this out…

          • Jess

            the part that makes the laugh the most is that the camera we got actually has a tiny mirror right near the lens for better selfies. :)

        • Jess

          what outside bride said!

          apparently there’s a ton of pictures if you search pinterest for “instax guest book”
          http://www.pinterest.com/search/pins/?q=instax%20guest%20book&rs=ac&len=16

          we’re making a smaller version of this backdrop:
          http://ohhappyday.com/2012/10/big-fringe-garlands/

          and putting out the blank book with the washi tape, as mentioned, and some pens.

        • StevenPortland

          Here’s a good summary of the different models of Instax cameras. http://www.passiongadgets.com/instax-mini-7s-mini-25-and-mini-50s-instax-210-comparison.html

        • http://www.alivingspace.com/ Julia | alivingspace

          We did an Instax guest book! We got the bigger Instax camera and just put it out with instructions for taking pictures, pens for writing a note on the white part around the photo, and a bowl to put the photos in. I wasn’t quite sure if people would get it, but it worked out great! At one point some our our awesome friends grabbed the camera and went around asking if people had had their picture taken yet, took photos, handed people their picture, and directed them to the table to write their note and deposit the photo in the bowl. I would recommend assigning a friend to do that! We’re going to put the photos together in a book eventually, but I think it’s an even better idea to have a blank book out with washi tape for attaching pictures as people go. Here’s a link to a blog post I wrote about it with some of my favorites from our wedding in case you’re curioius: http://www.alivingspace.com/2013/09/a-wedding-in-polaroids.html. We didn’t do a backdrop or anything, and I love how they turned out.

      • Megan

        I get a lot of this too. The best part of it though, is that a lot of his answers are always something like “does A Practical Wedding have anything to say about that?”

      • swarmofbees

        Perhaps I should appoint Google as my wedding coordinator. Then tell FI to ask the wedding coordinator the next time he needs to know how to do something.

    • Marcela

      That was one of my biggest stressors with planning our wedding, the way my husband expected me to magically KNOW all the wedding things.

    • UpstateNYbride

      Yes! This has been a major stressor for me too. I have a mile long list of things to do and gave a short list to my partner and he says he wants to help out, but then he doesn’t take the initiative to do any of them! I have to remind him he says! He didn’t order his custom suit until this week and the wedding is in 38 days and I had to work with him to get that done! He is supposed to handle booking the honeymoon and rehearsal dinner…only the flight is booked for the honeymoon (leaving a week after the wedding) and I had to step in to contact restaurants for the rehearsal dinner.
      I had no idea how to plan a wedding until I google searched the heck out of everything I didn’t know!

      • MC

        Ahhhh we are just under 5 months out and my fiance has not bought or decided on anything as far as his outfit or his groomsmen’s outfits. I have a feeling I will need to do some very persistent reminding about it pretty soon…

      • swarmofbees

        I totally feel you on the suit and rehearsal dinner. I have come to terms with it by accepting the fact that he already has a black suit, so he will look fine if he doesn’t buy anything else. Also, if nothing happens on the rehearsal dinner I can swoop in and have the backyard pizza party I wanted anyway. F*** fancy.

        • UpstateNYbride

          All I want for the rehearsal dinner is for all of us to sit around a table and eat…doesn’t need a to be fancy! My only request was to not have food on my lap…so okay maybe a little fancy.

  • Jess

    I’m six months out and I am just done. Menus, invitations, websites—fuck it. Now I understand why so many places take deposits, because if they hadn’t we’d be walking to city hall this weekend and just ditching the whole thing.

  • http://instagram.com/autresvoix Kamala S.

    I was contacting a venue that I absolutely loved, trying to schedule a visit, get prices etc. The guy was super responsive gave me a list of site fees, a sample contract, what’s included by the catering company. All the pertinent info that you normally have to pull teeth to get from venues. Then he asked what dates I was looking at, when I told him June 2015 “Unfortunately this site will no longer be holding weddings next year.” Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?!!!!

  • SarahG

    A few months out and we just figured out (dumbasses that we are) that way more of our friends have kids than we realized, and so we probably can’t have kids at the wedding due to venue constraints (it would put us over the room limit, and also expand our budget significantly). Which is causing heartache and upset with my best friend, who will be flying in from abroad with her husband and 2 year old, and who doesn’t (fairly enough) want to leave her kid with a stranger. But also doesn’t want to be “the exception” either — she doesn’t want other parents to hate her. I don’t know what to do. If all kids of guests invited actually came it would be 27 (!!!!) kids (though likely more like 15, which is still a lot). I feel like I’m offending everybody, and I never really had strong feelings about having kids or not, and now it seems like I hate them or something. I don’t hate them! I swear! Best friend and I have made up, but it’s still totally in the air. Will people hate me forever if I have a “out of town kids only” rule? Or will local parents understand? Gaah. We have sent save the dates but nothing else, so there’s time… but I am kind of hating the whole thing right now. Thanks for letting me rant :)

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      Can you hire a babysitter to watch the kids in another room and order some pizzas? I know your friend doesn’t want to leave her child with a stranger but would it help if they were in the same building? That way she could check in on the child. Just a thought….

      • SarahG

        Thanks for the idea! There isn’t a good space at the venue (it’s a restaurant) so I actually suggested the idea of having a sitter at my house, but that didn’t solve the whole issue of strangers and wanting the kid close by. I love our venue but I am deeply regretting it for this exact reason. Sigh. Oh well! Thanks though :)

        • Jess

          What if it’s not a full stranger, but a local friend’s sitter maybe? or a friends sister or mom or aunt? Friend-who-is-a-nanny’s coworker? Maybe it can be ok if you can find someone who is related either by blood or friendship.

          For the few out of town kids we have, we’re using the sitter of a local couple, and the couple is using the baby’s grandma. it seems like it will work out ok. good luck!

          • SarahG

            Thanks! I think that would work better (having someone that was vetted, at least to some degree). She is pretty uncomfortable with anybody new doing it, but perhaps someone who came highly recommended would be OK.

        • Jess

          that all said, i think out of town kids only is a totally legitimate line to draw. we’re using the “if your body provides your kid’s food, your kid can come” rule.

          • MC

            Ha! Love that rule.

      • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

        Ooooo! I did this in high school! Babysat kids at a hotel while the parents were downstairs at the wedding.

    • Jessica

      We had said no kids (except my husband’s niece, who was going home right after the dinner–she was the flower girl), but due to unforeseen life events there were about 5 kids present for the wedding, dinner and start of reception. Because some guests didn’t show up were able to roll with it and made sure the restaurant got some mac’n’cheese going for them. No one who had to leave their kid at home said anything to us, I think they understand when babysitters just aren’t available.

    • jashshea

      We didn’t invite any children to our reception. HOWEVER. My best friend was working on weening her 4 month old so that she could leave her with family for my wedding. The baby wasn’t ready by the time the wedding rolled around and my friend asked if the baby could be at the reception. I said “I need you there and needs you. is more than welcome.”

      To my knowledge, no one was upset that we broke our child rule for this one baby. If anyone had said anything to me about it, they’d have earned my bitchiest bitchface. I think it’s okay to have different sets of rules for different circumstances.

      • SarahG

        Right? I totally agree (different rules for different situations) but I’m not a parent and I am cautious about making assumptions about how parents might feel after this whole incident.

      • Laura C

        I feel like kids under a certain age are just an exception. Even on our caterer’s forms, it starts asking about kids at 3 years old, so I guess under that they don’t count.

    • ElisabethJoanne

      We actually kind of wanted lots of kids at our wedding, but lots of locals got sitters anyway.

    • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

      Is best friend in the bridal party by chance? The only kids at our wedding were the flower girl and her younger sister. A friend of mine did the same – anyone in the wedding brought kids and others did not.

    • Lily

      Maybe you have a teenage cousin/niece/nephew/friend/what-have-you who could provide babysitting at or near the wedding venue? or who has friends who could? When I was in HS, a dear friend and I babysat for another friend’s aunt’s wedding and I think they just set us and the kids up in one of the rooms at the hotel everyone was staying at for the wedding anyway. We were strangers to the people whose kids we were babysitting, but well known to the bride’s sister, so I think it was probably less scary for out-of-towners than leaving kids with total randos.

    • p.

      We allowed some people to bring kids and not others, and there didn’t seem to be any resentment (at least no one brought it up to us or has mentioned it since). I like the ideas presented here of creating some sort of a rule — breast-feeding kids, kids of people coming in from far away, kids of a certain age.

      • Peekayla

        I didn’t want ANY kids at the wedding (I’m the youngest cousin of 6, and so most of my cousins have 2 kids already and I can’t afford that many kids!). Instead I compromised on his 3 nieces (2, 10, and 12). I really didn’t want the 2 year old since the last 2 year old I saw at a wedding caused a ruckus during the ceremony. So we invited an extra guest to babysit the kid during the ceremony and then join us for the reception.

  • Jacky Speck

    I am kind of worried that nobody is going to throw my fiance a bachelor party. We’re less than 2 months out and my MOH is all gung-ho about my bachelorette party, renting out the “VIP” area of a spa for a whole night and hiring a caterer and calling all my friends to invite them… But even though I’m pretty close to all of our groomsmen I haven’t heard a single word about a bachelor party. It’s not that the groomsmen wouldn’t want to throw him a party: they’re all his closest friends in the world. They’re just not very organized “event planner” type people.

    My fiance’s brother and my own brother are both groomsmen and I really want to ask one of them if they’re planning anything, but can’t think of a tactful way to do it. Even though the party wouldn’t be for *me*, it would feel too much like demanding that someone throw me a party, and that would feel pretty awkward.

    • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

      We had the same problem. My fiance’s best friend is his best man and has been unavailable most weekends because he travels to see his long-distance girlfriend on the weekends. I think my fiance is just going to go out with some other friends, or have his party next weekend (when the friend is available). It’s been nerve-wracking for my fiance for sure, especially since he really wants to have some kind of party.

      • Jacky Speck

        A low-key “let’s just go out with a bunch of friends” sort of thing sounds really nice! I guess I just feel weird because my MOH is planning this huge event for me, and as grateful as I am, I worry that it’ll outshine whatever is going on for him. I wouldn’t be as anxious about it if neither of us had a party, or if both of us had low-key get-togethers.

        • http://twitter.com/mollyepollard Molly Pollard

          I feel you. It’s a bit different for us since I’m not having any kind of bachelorette party at all, just a bridal shower/dinner with my family. I don’t feel like I’m missing out, but my fiance feels that way for himself. It’s the rite of passage aspect he was worried he would miss out on.

          Have you talked to your fiance about your concerns? He might be okay with a small get-together even if you’re having a big party. Either way, I hope it works out and you’re both satisfied with your experiences!

        • Hannah B

          I get this feeling. Honestly, I wish we could just have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party, because our people are basically planning the same event, just without each other. I get that the *point* is to go out and “be single” but, i mean, he and I stopped being “single” a long time ago, and it’s not suitable to our relationship to allow for “single” behavior. So..I dunno I just feel lame cuz I know I’m gonna miss my FH at my bachelorette party lol.

          • MC

            Don’t feel lame! My SIL & BIL did something cool – they each had an activity with their friends (wine & painting class & drinks for the ladies, steak dinner for the guys) and then both groups met up at a bar nearby. We might do something similar – cause I love me some girl time, but I also love spending time with the person I’m marrying (obviously).

          • Jacky Speck

            Don’t feel lame, I too am going to miss my fiance at my bachelorette party haha. A joint party would be ideal because come on, we have not been “single” in a while. My MOH at least has been talking about separate parties as an excuse for “my friends” to do something for me while “his friends” do something for him, but even that is weird because basically all of our friends are mutual.

        • ElisabethJoanne

          There’s no “shining.” There’s just what works for the people involved. My “bachelorette party” was camping with my parents and sisters. My husband’s “bachelor party” was dinner at one of those all-you-can-eat Brazilian barbeque places with his groomsmen and a couple other friends. Each of our parties were special to us in our special ways.

        • Peekayla

          I have the opposite problem. D’s going to Boston, going to drive the Formula One cars, and eat out at a Brazilian restaurant. Whenever I’ve brainstormed ideas with my MoH she just mentions how much things costs and circles around to more low-key things. I don’t too much (I’m more a low-key person anyway), but I’m nervous that in the end I’ll be jealous of D’s bachelor party =(

    • Hannah B

      IF you are sure your fiance wants one, then I wouldn’t hesitate to ask your brother just if anything is up. Merely asking if something is happening is not the same as demanding a party be thrown. I’d definitely ask your bro (or whichever groomsmen you are closest to), and it is likely that they just aren’t planning in advance or it is a more low key affair. You could always say someone was trying to plan some couple thing for you and you didn’t want to cause a schedule conflict.

      • Hannah B

        OR just secretly plan and throw one and give the best man the credit.

      • Jacky Speck

        That’s a good point, asking if something is happening really isn’t the same as demanding a party. I guess I’m just predicting that they’ll all say no, but that’s not a fair assumption until I ask.

        Secretly planning something isn’t a bad idea, as the question of “wait, who put all this together?” might never come up in that particular group of people ;)

    • Rebekah

      “Let me know if you need any contact information for inviting guys to the bachelor party, or if you need me to check Groom’s schedule.”
      That’s how I did it. This is assuming your fiance wants a party, of course.

      • Jacky Speck

        Ah, this is a great idea. He definitely wants to do something, and keeps hinting that he wants to go on a group camping trip with them. But he’s like me in that he would never actually TELL them what he wants to do… Just hope that they’re secretly mind readers.

        • Hannah B

          ooooh just send the best man a groupon or livingsocial deal for a camp site. I am reminded of the quote from my big fat greek wedding, “The man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck ,and she can turn the head any way she wants”

    • Jules

      I apologize in advance for generalizing like this, BUT(!!): MEN ARE NOT PLANNERS. Well, those men, it seems! My SO just planned a bachelor party for 3 weeks ahead of when our friend is getting married. It was planned in ONE week; they went camping. They were sitting around one night like, huh, we should throw Tim a party probably. (He doesn’t have groomsmen)

      I really, really don’t think it would be out of line to casually try to mention your bachelorette party while hanging out/catching up (“I can’t believe the wedding is so soon! We were talking about my bachelorette party the other day, and we’ll be gone the weekend of ____…I’m really excited for it! Are you guys planning on throwing a bachelor party, like maybe taking a camping trip or something fun together?” (Dude says yes, or “Hmm, I dunno. We haven’t really talked about it yet.”) “Oh, that’s cool. I was just wondering, since I know it can be pretty hard to find a date that works for people. I know we won’t be available for X weekend, in particular.”

      Then it’s kinda up to them.

      It sounds like his friends are willing and probably just being clueless that they should try to nail down a date and details. And when you’re close to the groomsmen it’s not weird at all to go from one wedding topic to the next, nor would it be presumptuous since you’re good friends, etc. Not “demanding”!

  • Emily

    I’m most nervous about the money, right now. 3 and a half months out, our tax refund didn’t go as far as we had hoped thanks to many unexpected car repairs. We are running numbers, and running them again. We’re even running the worst case scenario numbers of “what can go on the credit card if it needs to” numbers. The pig roast we are planning may not be feasible, thanks to projected price increases.
    I have been working on getting a job (currently stay at home mom) and it’s taking way longer than I wanted it to. I’ve been training for 2 months, and am waiting on licensing / state testing backlog to be able to start working. So now my fiance (who works full time and has been going to school too) is looking for a second job! I’m feeling like “why oh why did I think it was such a good idea to book ‘x, y, z?!’” It’s complete nonsense though, we chose carefully and deliberately what our priorities were! This Friday, I have my test which if I pass, I can start making money. PLEASE let me frickin pass this test!!! No pressure.

    • Brooke

      Wow. Break a leg on your test! That all sounds so stressful.

      • Emily

        Thank you. I’m trying not to let all the background noise of what the test means for us to interfere with my focus or add to the nervousness, but it’s kind of impossible. Looking forward to getting beyond it so much!

  • Heather

    Totally unhelpful, but being married for just under a year (!), reading these comments is making me nervous and agitated all over again- I can so vividly recall the wedding stress. Eeep! I guess I can relate to all of you, and you’re not crazy!

  • MC

    Ugh, something just happened last night that I need to rant about. We were video chatting with my fiance’s whole family (parents, grandparents, sister & BIL) all of whom I love and adore. They asked my BIL about his job & school, and they asked my fiance about his job, and then his grandpa asked me… about wedding planning. Even though I have a career that I love, and I am definitely the more career-driven person in my relationship. UGH. I know it was totally a well-meaning question but I resent the implication, however small, that I’m focused more on planning a wedding than on my career, especially when I do not even love most parts of wedding planning and only really like to talk to people about it when I need to vent.

    The happy ending of the story was that afterward my FIL did ask about my job so I got to gush about that for awhile to make up for my lackluster response about wedding planning. I just can’t wait to be married so I don’t have to deal with people’s assumptions that I am THRILLED to be planning a wedding, naturally, because I’m a woman.

    • Jessica

      I hear you, lady, and am right there with you. My in-laws don’t actually know what to talk to me about now that the wedding is over–they don’t ask about my job, school experiences, volunteer work…nothing that doesn’t relate to their son. My male relatives just look at me awkwardly now, when last year they’d ask about the wedding. They actually ask how my husband is before they ask how I’m doing.

      • JSwen

        Sorry to hear that – I’ve been preparing for it since I have friends and family who are talking to me much more frequently now that we are pre-weding. Is it any worse than it was before you were engaged? Maybe compare your current situation with that instead of when you were pre-wedding?

        • Jessica

          It’s a little starker of a comparison–pre-engagement they couldn’t talk to me about the wedding, they just treated me like a person with a life. They still didn’t ask many questions, but we found stuff to talk about.

          Wedding planning was something they could talk about that was important in my life & my husband’s, and for some people it was just something safe for them to talk about. It was something they could be at least somewhat involved in and was on some level interesting to them.

          Now it’s like they realized they’ve known me for 3+ years and don’t know much about my life or interests, or just aren’t that into getting to know me. They may be of the mind that asking questions is invasive and rude, in which case they might think I’m the most invasive and rude person ever.

          • Peekayla

            Before I was engaged my aunt and her family had a hard time asking me or my FH more than a single question during family gatherings and attempts I made at conversation never panned out. Since becoming engaged they all want to talk to me about the wedding planning. ::sigh::

    • Kelly

      Ohhhh I relate to this so much. We are BOTH in grad school for education and just spent last Saturday with his family for a pre-Easter gathering. Fiancee gets asked about school, his classes, his teaching assistantship, his practicum, his future job prospects, if he can help tutor our nieces in math, and I get asked…if I’d like to borrow his sister’s cake topper. To be fair, they have never really taken an interest in getting to know much about me and I’ve kind of stopped trying to facilitate it, but just…ugh… Fist bump to you.

    • EmilyRose

      I feel you on this. On a similar note, I am currently looking for a new job (in ANY CITY, I don’t care, I just need a relevant job!) – but when we say we are in the process of deciding where to live based on jobs, people often assume we mean my fiancé’s job (because he’s a man). Or, they are shocked/surprised when we say we would move to a new town if I got a job there, and ask him if he’s ok with that, and sort of give him an impressed look for being such a modern man that he would move to further woman’s career. As though I’m emasculating him by making him move for me. What?! Why does this mindset still exist?!

      • EmilyRose

        (I realise this came across a little ungrateful – I am so appreciative that I have a partner who is supportive enough to move for my career pursuits, no questions asked! It’s more that people assume that he must be feeling emasculated by it that really gets my goat!)

      • Eh

        My FIL has repeatedly suggested that we move so my husband can get a job in his field. My FIL feels that my husband is wasting his education in his current job since it isn’t in his field. My husband just finished school a year ago. I have been working in my field for five years and I have a good paying job at a company where I have great opportunities and awesome benefits but apparently that doesn’t matter since my husband works a crap job. It also doesn’t matter that we don’t need him to have a better job or that his job provides flexibility for us (he works a lot of afternoons and I work straight days – it sucks that we don’t see each other from Sunday afternoon until Wednesday evening but it means he can be home when contractors are working on our house). Every time my FIL brings up moving so my husband can get a job in his field our response is “if he finds a job that pays $100,000 we’ll move”. That ends the conversation.

      • Ann

        I got a lot of surprised responses from people when I was applying to grad schools and said my now husband was going to follow me to wherever I got in (I also narrowed down my list of schools to cities where he could likely find a job, so there was compromise involved). That said, I don’t think all of the surprise came from a bad place. Some of the strongest reactions I got where from other young women in academia. Uniformly, their response was “He’s a keeper. You’re so lucky.” The reality is so many men *aren’t* willing to follow a partner, that it is unusual.
        (I also find it interesting that the majority of the women in my male dominated program are married, and only 2 out of the 20+ men are. I don’t quite have an explanation for that…)

  • Jess

    to-do list suggestion!
    We started using Wunderlist recently and its made things so much easier. We have a task list for each thing (catering, dj, ceremony) and we can assign to-dos to eachother, add due dates, have conversations about specific items. It’s a great compliment to all our google docs. There’s an iphone app, computer app, web app.

    I paid maybe $5 bucks for a month of the pro plan, which lets us assign unlimited things to each other and have as many conversations as we want. (we didn’t both need to be pro, I think…it seems he can see/use all the same things as I am now).

    Highly recommended.

  • Anon

    26 days out! This is so timely!
    I could seriously kill every single person who starts a conversation with, “So, you’ve got everything figured out for the wedding?”
    New to-do list items keep popping into my head at random moments. (Choose music for the ceremony! Figure out VOWS! Email the venue guy about that thing! If I haven’t planned centerpieces yet, is it too late? What about favors? How can we have favors if we don’t have a theme? Aren’t the favors supposed to tie in with the theme? Is it too late to get a theme? Remind the fiancé to take his suit in to get alterations. Follow up with that one person who hasn’t RSVPed…) I feel like I need a personal wedding assistant to follow me around and take notes just so something doesn’t slip through the cracks.

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      Ohhh this is so reassuring. Thank you.

    • Emily

      This reads like my random thoughts, too!

    • Ragnhild

      Ive got less than two months now, and it feels like the to do lists grow every day! Id love a personal assistant. I dont have a lot of friends that would be natural to ask for help where I live, and so many of the things are decisions to be made by myself and my fiancee, so it is impossible to delegate. I look forward to finally getting to our wedding day and start it all!

  • http://readingandthensome.blogspot.com/ Martha Smith

    All of these comments make me so glad I started stuff early. I started working on my invitations (home made) like a year out – sure it was a pain to have the stuff everywhere, but it was totally great to get them done slowly over time. I was working on favors & last minute decorations by myself for a while near the end, but it helped to finish it and mail it to my Mom’s house to hang on to until Wedding Day.

  • Jules

    GUEST LIST. Who you have to invite and who you can’t and oh goodness.

    I don’t want to invite my cousin, who’s currently suing my aunt (deceased uncle’s second wife of many years, so his stepmom) for part of the estate. I want to invite HER instead. And I love children, but it makes me cry a little that all my cousins’ kids, if attending, would increase the number of guests by 25%.

    AND, on top of that, there’s the whole issue of wanting to go marry in France, because that’s where he’s from and that’s where his family still resides (mom and extended), but people hate international destination weddings…And I don’t want to stress anyone…but there are people in multiple countries we want there and SOMEONE is going to have to fly internationally. There’s just a lot of “oh you’re a destination bride so you’re making your guests foot the bill for your dream ceremony and SCREW YOU selfish Bridezilla”. Which I feel isn’t really fair. I want to defend myself to people, but I don’t know what to do – start calling up my friends and laying out my rationale and trying to get them on my side in case they’re secretly complaining behind my back? I’d rather save up to pay for people’s flights…which we might do with a tiny wedding…I don’t know.

    Oh, and both our parents are divorced and his are remarried, so a teeny tiny ceremony with just friends and family (as in, maybe 20 people) seems awkward and out of question anyhow. :(

    • JSwen

      Very few of the children invited to our wedding are actually coming but we are having a destination-ish wedding so that might be the explanation. Also, kids are cheaper to feed and don’t drink alcohol… might not be a big deal after all.

      Oh and don’t worry about “people hate”s. If you want to marry in France, go to freaking France! I’ll come to the wedding! You can always throw a celebration after the fact in your city for those who can’t make it (and there will be many).

      Actually, that’s a good way to deal with the children issue – I’m with team France!

      • Jules

        I really needed this reassurance because I’ve been dumping it on my poor SO. Ack.

        I am *hoping* this will end up being the case if we go get married in France! The people we want most are ones who live in our hometown (hmm), friends who are scattered from California to Maryland, and family who’s scattered from Brazil to DC to Denver to Upstate New York…it’s like we can’t win. Most people are going to have to spend $$$ on a flight one way or another, and having it here in the US doesn’t really guarantee anything. Selfishly, I am wishing I were on the older end of the cousin spectrum rather than the younger because I”m sure being a parent makes the international trip even harder and makes them less likely to come :(

        ALSO, I love my friends, but aside from the handful that I’d consider besties/bridal brigade/nonbridesmaids….it’s not super critical that they’re there. This feels kind of wrong, but I’d be perfectly happy having 50 or so people (or fewer?) and then coming back home and throwing some sort of casual, “we’re married and having a casual celebration and come say hi” thing here. Which I like.

        We’re still hoping for France too. :)

        • Brooke

          “coming back home and throwing some sort of casual, “we’re married and having a casual celebration and come say hi” thing here. Which I like.”

          Yes, do that! It sounds like a good solution. A good friend of mine just got married in a family-only (10 total guests) ceremony, but they’re doing receptions in 3 different cities spread across the country over the course of this next year because their friends are so scattered.

      • Jules

        I was trying to figure out what kind of semi-destination you meant (please do a grad post!! I would love to see destination on APW…I feel a little out of the practical hipster loop even though I swear I’m of the same mindset) and I ended up finding out that you ordered your dress from JLM Couture! And that you’re having a group of Important Women but no bridesmaids. Kindred spirits.

        • JSwen

          Yay! Well it is destination-ish in that roughly 80% of the guests and 100% of our family have to get on a plane to get here. Here is my city, where my fiance and I have put our roots down for the last 3 years. So we’ve had to worry about transportation, hotels, etc as if we were doing a destination. Just none of that long-distance planning BS – I won’t be any help there.

          If I learn anything worth sharing, I’ll grad post some day!

    • Sharon M.

      Two smaller wedding receptions out of the question? One in the US, and one in France?

      • Jules

        This is probably the answer here. We’ve gone around in so (!) many (!) circles and are afraid that if we do the “primary”/initial ceremony in France, our American friends will get mad…Or that no one will come. Or that it’ll be too expensive in the end, or that people will judge us for being extravagant when we’re just trying to have a wedding we love with people we love, and there’s no easy answer. :(

        I ran this by a (close-ish) friend and if she’d hate me if I got married in France (half-jokingly), and she said “Well, hate is probably a strong word…” and totally meant it. BUT. Friend’s family and his family is all here. They all live within 3 hours of each other. Their families are both “whole”; their siblings all younger and going to college 1.5 hours from here. This is not the case with us. Splitting the difference with everyone would mean getting married in the Atlantic Ocean somewhere. So part of me is mad that she wasn’t 110% on board (hell, even “do what works for you and I’ll make every effort to be there and you can’t please everyone” type thing would have been better), part of me is mad that she doesn’t seem to be trying to understand, part of me is jealous that their answer is so simple, part of me wonders if SHE’S jealous…and part of me wants to tell her that while I’d be disappointed and while I still want her to be there, the people who matter the MOST in our lives would all be able to make that solution work for us, and we’d have something casual when we got back with no hard feelings anywhere. But it’s easier said than done.

        My family will be there for me in the end no matter what we do with the wedding, but friend situations stress me out MORE since I”ve seen friendships be strained and ended by wedding-related stuff. (Usually they have other issues before all that starts up.)

        • Lauren

          Have you looked at Eleanor and Armin’s wedding graduate post? Also a European-American wedding with two ceremonies. Check it out! I think we’ll end up doing something similar when our time rolls around.

          • Jules

            Oooh, thank you! I dug and dug and searched “destination wedding” but I should have been searching “international wedding”. AHA.

  • Lily

    On the other hand, so so much love to all the people who are unexpectedly stepping in at this stage and begging to be delegated to. I literally cried when one of my bridesmaids offered to plan the whole rehearsal and rehearsal dinner so I could stop stressing about it. And when I had trouble finding a salon that would be open on a Sunday to do my hair, the girlfriend of one of my fiancé’s groomsmen offered to do my hair AND my bridesmaids’ hair too. Feeling it all coming together in this really tangible way is overwhelmingly wonderful.

  • enfp

    Amazing idea for an open thread! We are two months out and I am feeling so behind and overwhelmed I don’t even know where to start venting. I feel like we have nothing other than the major vendors figured out. I have no idea what we will do for decorations and we haven’t really started working on our ceremony. We haven’t registered. And the whole process has just been stressful. I feel like nothing gets done unless I personally do it, but then I get criticized for what I do, and this is starting to create tension with my partner. UGH wedding planning. Well at least we finally figured out what we’re doing for the honeymoon so I guess I’ll just try to focus on the fact that we’ll get a fun vacation as long as we can survive the planning!

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      ditto to everything you said and we are 39 days out!

    • http://cafeaubride.blogspot.com/ Catherine

      and wait, i love your screen name.

      • enfp

        Thanks!

    • Ariel

      The honeymoon is the only thing I’m looking forward to (and being married… but the actual wedding? over it!)

  • Brooke

    Ah, I needed this so badly. You know how everyone says that there’ll come a point in wedding planning when you’ll want to throw up your hands, cancel the whole thing, and elope? I thought it wouldn’t happen to me. It has. This whole wedding has caused an unprecedented amount of conflict with my mom, it’s triggering ED behaviors in me, it’s probably a partial cause of why my sister, who has never had any ED problems in the past (but, you know, genetics, if it’s in me then there’s a good chance it’s in her too) has lost a really unhealthy amount of weight way too fast, I need to go to a physical therapist who’s out of network for my insurance and I’d looooove to be on my fiance’s (better) insurance right now, the idea of walking down the aisle with everyone looking at me sends me into a panic, and yeah. Right now, the whole thing just strikes me as a big, expensive, family tearer-aparter, and part of me wishes I could just call the whole thing off.

    • MC

      Oh, sending love & good thoughts your way. I have ED stuff in my past and I am making a very conscious effort to avoid people/things/conversations that could be triggering – and it’s hard. I’m also struggling with the idea of being the center of attention and having everyone focus on how I look – even though rationally, I know most people won’t be focusing on my outfit/makeup/body shape – but old habits die hard. Best of luck.

    • JSwen

      Depending on your state, if you qualify as a domestic partner, your fiance’s insurance might cover you… fingers crossed.

  • Laura

    At somewhere around T-minus 80 days, cue wedding stress dreams. In which I am hopelessly rushing around, late for my own ceremony, missing my own reception, and all the guests hate it and leave early. Plus the wedding *in* my dreams is the exact *opposite* of the wedding *of* my dreams (or, you know, the wedding that I’ve been working my ass off for the past 18 months to execute).

    • H

      This is me exactly! Wedding stress dreams…let me tell ya. In mine I’m always running super late, to the point where I don’t have time to do my hair or makeup and wind up squeezing into my dress on the way to the ceremony. And the wedding is never what I want in real life, just some crazy dream-version that makes no sense and is hopelessly disorganized. In one of my dreams I was getting ready in a public restroom…and had the wrong dress with me, and oh it was awful. I’m always so relieved to wake up, until I remember I still have a million and one things to plan in real life O_0

    • Sharon M.

      Oh, I had a few of these – one in January about forgetting to get the marriage license (which I could not pick up until March); another closer to the date where I was wandering around the reception hall asking people to see the pictures they took because I could not remember anything that had just happened for the past 5 hours…

  • celinad6

    Faculty interview in 3 days. Wedding in 11 days. Must finish school this summer. Trying not to cry every day. That is all.

    • YOQ

      Good luck with the interview! Remember, they’re trying to impress you just as much as you’re trying to impress them. And it’s not solely your responsibility to carry all the conversations, either. They have to pitch in on the small talk too. (Seriously, figuring that out made on-campus interviews SOOO much easier for me!)

      • celinad6

        Good point! Thanks so much.

  • Paige

    Flowers and centerpieces!! These things aren’t important to me, my mom graciously volunteered to tackle them, but she can’t decide without my input- aaarrgh!! Just avoid pink and I’ll be happy.

    • JSwen

      Nice! Same situation here. My mom dragged me to a Michael’s and an Ikea where I gave her many, many “no” responses and just enough “yes” responses to maintain my gracious daughter demeanor. Oh and enough “yes” responses to get the sh*t done, already! Sheesh!

      • JSwen

        PS – I know we hate on the Moms all of the time here but can we take a minute to thank the Michael’s and Ikea prowling MOBs?

  • Lily

    oh, and WEATHER. Whose bright idea was it to plan an outdoor ceremony in central California just as it’s getting really HOT for the summer?!? If we get lucky, it will be 75 and gorgeous on our wedding day … or it could be 100 degrees and blistering. And now that our date is within accuweather’s extended forecast range, I am obsessively checking the prediction, even though I know a weather forecast for 26 days from now has zero chance of being accurate.

    • Jess

      I keep checking that too!! 16 days out now and looks like cloudy and maybe rain for me here in Brooklyn. Boo!!

      • Sharon M.

        Don’t do it! Not much you can do if it does decide to rain unless you’ve already planned for that contingency.

    • Leslie

      Oh, I can relate to this, but on the other end of the spectrum. We got married in December. In New Hampshire. Outside. In a park that my husband had to shovel himself (i.e. was majorly invested in emotionally). I lived on weather apps leading up to the wedding. We actually paid for an app that promised to be the most accurate. And I can tell you, it changed every freaking day. On the day of the wedding, it called for 40 and cloudy (not bad) until the exact start time of our ceremony, when the freezing rain was predicted to start. I was so stressed out. And then you know what happened? People brought umbrellas! I seriously never even CONSIDERED umbrellas somehow. And then we went inside and the weather was this horrific icy rain downpour that semi flooded the streets. The point of all this is that the weather ended up not mattering at all. Even in the slightest. Other people check the weather, too, and then dress to accommodate. And you will be in such a whirlwind that you won’t even notice/care anymore. I remember looking outside and going “Oh look! It’s absolutely pouring!” And then I returned to my drink and dancing.

  • JSwen

    Does anyone else say “f*ck my life” in their head when reading FMIL? Irony or just coincidence?

    • Alyssa M

      rofl, I’ve definitely thought “F***ing mother in law.” Which is funny, because I love my future mother in law… but the vulgar negative option just seems more obvious lol.

  • http://www.nthdegreedesigns.com/blog Seshat

    Perfectly timed! We’re getting married on Sunday and I have the OMG SO EFFIN FRAZZLED stage.

    Out of 70 invites sent, we had to track down 17 of them. It wasn’t until I talked to my mom trying to figure out why *none* of her family bothered to send an RSVP that I found out one of my uncles never got his invite. Why in gods name did you not bother to mention that to anyone until now???? He got the STD, but not the invite and didn’t bother mentioning it to anyone and is now saying he’s bummed that he couldn’t make it because he didn’t have the invite info. *headdesk*

    My procrastinating and perfectionist self is also getting into trouble at the moment. I’m determined to have a colored crinoline under my (short 50′s-ish) dress and I just finished it (ie also started it) on Sunday. Then I discovered that it did not have enough fluff to support the silhouette I wanted for my skirts. Ok. so plan B. Dress has a built in crinoline that I haven’t removed yet (just in case!) so I’m going to edge that with the right color ribbon to get a similar effect. Fabric store does not have enough ribbon so I buy what they have an spent last night salvaging the ribbon I trimmed out the failed crinoline with.

    My mom is FREAKING OUT about the not-a-rehearsal dinner. She’s renting a house in the area specifically so we can get the families together the night before the wedding. Fiance and I said “Awesome, we’ll order some pizza and keep it simple.” Now she’s trying to get me to fine another (????) cooler for beverages and conned my mother in law into picking up desert. There will be about 20 people there… another full sized cooler? Really?

    One of my Bridesmaids is running into problems with her boss who doesn’t want her to take Monday off/come in later. We’re getting married on Sunday and she lives about 3 hours away so she may have to cut out early. She also has a meeting on Friday so can’t make my Bachelorette party. I’ve also bummer/stressed because I had grand plans of gifting my BMs custom jewelry that would both match their chosen dresses and be wearable afterwards. I’ve been making/selling jewelry for years so it made perfect sense, only now I have no ideas for what to make them and can’t find any beads I’m inspired by.

    And on top of everything else my parents frickin hate each other and I get to look forward to at least 2 days of them sharing the same space. We’ve put them at separate tables but I still stress any time they’re together.

    Yeah… it’s crunch time and I don’t handle stress well. I’m pretty much ready to crawl into a corner and start hyperventilating. I also don’t particularly like being the center of attention AND am a super emotional crier so I’m a little stressed about making it though the ceremony in one piece too.

  • Megan

    It has been only three days since I got engaged and I’ve already had my mother try to convince me that I have to have more people at the ceremony. I’ve also had several people tell me I “need” diamonds and should have an engagement ring because “even celebrity x and y have them”. Very few people seem to understand my choice not to have an engagement ring. My parents spent a week trying to convince my fiancé to give me one. I understand my parents just wan to make sure I’m happy but controlling my wedding doesn’t feel like the solution to me. Any advice?

    • Ani

      Congratulations to you! But ugh, other people’s expectations! If you know for yourself why you didn’t want one, you could just tell people, so they don’t worry that it’s somehow your fiance’s “fault.” Or think of a snappy one-liner… hmm… The whole wedding-planning process is full of other people’s assumptions about what weddings are supposed to be, so it’s probably good for you that you are getting practice right off the bat at doing things your own way.

      • Megan

        Thanks, Ani! I am reading others’ posts here and realizing that it is inevitable that family will have opinions on everything. It sounds like I just have to get used to this process…As I have asked Jen, though, where do you feel is the line of compromise? When do you stand your ground and say, “no, its not your wedding,” and when do you allow your family to have a say?

        • JDrives

          I found it helpful to sit down with my fiance and decide which things are the most important to us about our wedding, and once we were a “team” on those things it became quite easy to respond to “Why don’t you do X/Y/Z?” with, “Thanks for the suggestion! D and I actually decided to do A/B/C and we’re feeling really good about it **big enthusiastic smile**”

          If it’s something your family really wants and it doesn’t conflict with your values/list of important things, and it would make things smoother to go along with their idea, maybe it’s worth it? It’s a fine line to draw between standing up for yourself at your wedding and keeping the peace – I wish you all the best! If you need good scripts on drawing boundaries with pushy peeps, CaptainAwkward.com is seriously amazing with her advice.

    • Jen

      Remind them that it’s your choice and you’d like them to support you in it. I found that helped most of the time when my circle was trying to pressure me.

      • Megan

        Thanks, Jen. I feel sort of selfish for saying, “hey it’s our wedding not yours,” but it’s true, right? Where is the line of compromise? At least I have APW to hear other brides who can understand my choice not to have a ring. I guess it is the price to pay when going against the grain.

        • Jen

          I wouldn’t so much say “it’s my wedding, not yours!”, since as we all know- weddings, good and bad, belong to your entire circle (and considering that my wedding wouldn’t have gone off without my circle- god, how much I appreciate that fact!). What I found was saying, “Hey, call me crazy, but all of these opinions are making me really feel bad about my decisions and confuse me. I know you may not always agree with my decisions, but I would hope you would say the same things about this wedding as you would about a room I chose to decorate with items you don’t like. Even if you wouldn’t choose them for yourself, you can see me inside my choices and you want to support me in those choices”. I would super ham up the fact that “Omg, my wedding is turning me into a super sensitive and crazy person- please only say supportive things or not at all, as it really hurts my feelings!” and that seemed to work really well without offended the folks in our lives.
          Does that help?

  • p.

    The day before our wedding when my husband and I were running countless errands and feeling completely overwhelmed, a good friend texted us a simple message that said, “You’re doing great.”

    At that time, we did not feel like we were doing great. We felt totally in over our heads. But that little text reminded us to give ourselves some credit for all the things we were handling, and, if nothing else, it made us laugh to think that someone out there thought we were doing great even when we felt so frazzled.

    Five years later, I still remember that text and it still makes me happy. And I’ve tried to remember to pass it on to other people who I know are overwhelmed with wedding stuff or just other stressful life situations.

  • Jessica

    We are 4 ish months out. This is much needed today. Our current flare-ups are we’re going to go over budget. Our $10K budget for various reasons is going to now be $12.5K. I’m extremely frugal so this is hard for me to swallow… but my father-in-law just gifted us essentially the difference so… I’m close to being OK with this one.

    Secondly we are planning to get married at NYC City Hall, but are now realizing our guest list (likely 65 – 80 attending) is probably too big to fit into the room at City Hall. We really have narrowed it down to our nearest & dearest, including all our families (about 40 people). We are INSISTENT on still getting married at City Hall – we love the simplicity of it, plus then we want to walk across the Brooklyn Bridge with our guests & go celebrate in DUMBO.

    But how do we nicely say – “Hey guest, traveling in for the wedding – FYI there may not be room for you in the chapel at City Hall?” We are both really reserved so the thought of all those emotions in front of all those people was already making me break out in hives.

    • Brooke

      Hm, maybe do a “replay” of your vows or some other significant part of the ceremony at your reception/celebration? Say your vows in City Hall but do the actual signing of the marriage license later with all your guests so they can cheer the moment it becomes legal? I dunno, neither of those are ideal suggestions for a shy bride and groom, I know. It sounds like you’ll have a wonderful day surrounded by your loved ones no matter what.

      • Jessica

        I love both those ideas, thanks Brooke!

      • Sharon M.

        Our NJ marriage license was signed by us when we applied for it – the only thing that was needed to make it official was the officiant and 2 witnesses signing before our ceremony. So technically, we were married before we said “We Do”.

  • Htog

    We’re having a Sunday picnic at a nature preserve park in DC. We’ll be on the grass a mind suggested guests avoid spike heels. This is NOT code for ‘please send me photos of your shoes to tell you if they’re spike heels’ nor does it suggest you should tell me you’re wearing spike heels anyway and expect some kind of…forgiveness? I don’t care. They’re you’re feet. You’re an adult. I can only advise.

  • HtoG

    Also, finalizing wedding planning, moving across the county after, trying to attend 5 other weddings, job shopping, and dealing with family illness….all four weeks from W day!

  • Ariel

    Our wedding is two months from yesterday. I am so over it! SO. OVER. IT. I’m so sick of contacting people and arranging shit. I’m sick of people still trying to convince us to invite people (invites went out almost a month ago). Seriously, dude, they’re not getting invited. And please stop trying to bring more people than you’re allotted – the place we’re getting married at is small and they can’t fit. I just want my honeymoon already.

    • Mallory2

      Legit felt the same way. “Aren’t you soooo excited??” people would say? “NO! I just want it to be over! Who ever thought weddings were a good idea??” screamed my insides. It was all worth it, and now I look back at that time with total rose-colored glasses, but sweet baby Jees, those last two months were all about grinding it out. Good luck!!

      • Sharon M.

        We also just wanted it to be over – until we were at the reception, and wished that it could have gone on forever. Officially married a month as of yesterday. :)

      • Grace

        I’m with ya! One month to go and if I have one more (typically
        well-intentioned) person ask me how excited I am the steam may literally
        come from my ears. I feel the same way you did — I don’t feel excited right
        now at all. Just stressed and plain ‘ol tuckered out from all the
        planning, not to mention my actual day job. I do feel (and hope!) that
        I’ll be able to enjoy the day once it arrives, but for right now I just
        needed something like this … a place to vent and a space to hear that
        others feel/felt the same way. I’ve started to feel like I’m bad at planning
        or not organized enough or not creative enough or not–wait for
        it–bride enough because I’m not really enjoying the final stages of planning. Sweet goodness. It’s enough to worry about the details, but to begin questioning my own emotions over the whole process? Enough!

        So glad to hear that it’s worth it from others. I’m keeping this in mind for the remainder of May!

  • Jen

    We just got married on Saturday at four- and my stress was officially gone by five. Before then I was a complete mess. All I can say is- it will eventually be over :)

  • Katie

    My mom doesn’t think I should have a wedding, and therefore is avoiding all forms of communication with me so she doesn’t have to take the chance that I might talk to her about it. FH’s parents, on the other hand, cannot stop inviting people to the wedding, even though we finished the guest list and sent out STDs two months ago, and even though we are well over the CAPACITY of the venue and EVEN THOUGH I am paying for the wedding. SPEAKING OF. I am starting to feel the first twinges of resentment about paying for this damn thing, which is 60% comprised of people from his family. Especially when all I wanted was to buy a nice dress, hire an editorial photographer, sneak off to Italy and get married somewhere scenic and then spend a week baby making in Tuscany. Now I’m trying to figure out is there’s any possible monetary way of having floorlength tablecloths instead (I really really hate metal table legs. First world problems.). Far cry, hunh?

  • aldeka

    Question: my FMIL is basically adamant that my fiance’s sister be a bridesmaid, and stand on my side. I agree she should be in the wedding party, but I am staunchly in the camp that wedding attendants should stand on the side of the person they’re closest to. And also my dude of honor is going to be a guy, and possibly another bride’s attendant as well, so, what’s with the gender essentialism, lady?

    I haven’t come up with a polite way to tell her how it’s going to be. Advice? Links to articles with advice? Bourbon?

    • KEA1

      can your fiance announce who will be on his side of the wedding party, and include his sister on the list? And make clear that it isn’t a matter for further discussion?

    • Jacky Speck

      How does the sister feel about it? If she agrees with you, maybe she will be able to better persuade your FMIL.

  • Lizzy

    I think I’ve moved past the outrage stage at this point and into the sad
    and disappointed phase. At least until I get another threatening email
    from my mother. I wanted to get invites through vistaprint, super easy,
    right? But my mom found DIY invites at staples 50 for $8, and begged me
    to get them. I told her that since I was going to be away in school, she
    would have to do them and she agreed. I knew that this would be
    difficult, so I made it easy: I bought a couple of stamps and decorated
    all of the envelopes before I left for school. I gave them the filled
    out templates, and everything they needed: all she had to do was print
    them, add registry cards, address, stamp and send. I had to get my dad
    involved, or it probably wouldn’t have gotten done. Even then, they both
    complained a LOT about doing it. They press ganged my sister into
    helping on her break and told me that I should have been there. They
    also picked right before we should have sent out the invitations to
    pitch a fit over the guest list. 300 people on the guest list, they
    don’t want to pay for more than 200. FH and I don’t think we’ll make
    that, they think EVERYONE WILL COME AND THEY’LL HAVE TO FORK OVER
    THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND BREAK THE FIRE CODE ON THE BANQUET HALL.
    Seriously. This is where the threatening emails came in. I told my dad
    his tux info and mom freaked out because shoes were included . . .
    Nobody in my immediate family wants to help with my wedding. I’ve asked
    them to do two things: invites, and then I asked my dad if it was
    possible to DIY a photobooth, and gave him the techie side of it. I’m
    doing everything else, and all I get are complaints. People outside of
    my immediate family (my cousin, grandma, friends) all say, “Anything I
    can do to help!” FH does his best to help out, but being in separate
    places doesn’t help as much.

  • Bella

    Stop second guessing me!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Every time I state what we want and why, I get “oh but you could do X” or “oh but Y wouldn’t be that expensive” or “what about Z?”

    What kills me about this is that it is ALWAYS the other person who brought it up. Always. They ask whether I’ve organised flowers, or whatever other random wedding topic of the day, I tell them what we’ve decided to do, and then they second guess it!

    It might be different if I were asking for an opinion, or help brainstorming other options, but it’s always just me stating a fact, and them second guessing the decision. I am going MAD trying to be polite and patient with it. What happened to a nice, supportive “oh that sounds lovely”?????

    • Sharon M.

      I think that was the thing that bothered me the most – helpful people trying to be helpful by suggesting things… after I’d already made the plans / spent the money.

    • JDrives

      I must have my snark hat on today because I imagine you responding to their trying-to-be-helpful-and-failing comment by looking at them sort of oddly and going, “I think what you meant to say was, ‘Oh that sounds lovely Bella, carry on!’”
      That must be maddening. Have faith that YOU know that you’ve made the best decisions for your wedding. A good shut-that-crap down response is “Oh?”/”You don’t say.”/”Thanks!” + subject change.

      • Bella

        ” “I think what you meant to say was, ‘Oh that sounds lovely Bella, carry on!’” ”

        Oh, if only! I’m just holding out for the smug satisfaction when everyone tells me the wedding was beautiful.

      • Sarah

        My favorite shut it down response that I’ve ever heard is “thank you very much for your opinion in this matter.” said very matter of factly.

    • Peekayla

      And you just described my mother, which is why I’ve stopped telling her things =(

      • Bella

        Sometimes avoiding is just easier, right? *hug*

        • Peekayla

          Unfortunately that is so. To be fair to myself though, the whole “not telling her things because we argue about everything” was actually her idea =) . . . after I told her that the most recent argument we’d had really hurt my feelings ::sigh::

  • KH_Tas

    A small problem, but confusing: My dad assuming that I wouldn’t let my sister wear heels so I would be taller than her? She’s been 4inch+ taller than me for 8 years, I’ve gotten used to it now, and I’m not interested in wearing 5inch+ heels on stone steps anyway? This was pretty much the first wedding related thing he came out with.

    • Jacky Speck

      Haha, this notion that brides are supposed to tower over every other woman in the room seems surprisingly common. One of the first questions I got from ALL of my bridesmaids is whether I wanted them all to wear flats while I wear heels so they’d be shorter than me. I’m 5’2″ and the tallest bridesmaid is 5’10″. Riiiiiight. I’ve been short all my life and will be short on my wedding day too. It’s ok.

  • Apples

    managing the expectations/emotions of each of our mothers and siblings. oh. my. god.

  • Whitney

    Why am I the only one that has a grip on who I want to invite? It’s like pulling teeth to get my in-laws to give us a list!

    • Eh

      My in-laws list was a moving target. Even after the invites were sent out people were added on the RSVPs.

    • Sharon M.

      Invite who you want to invite, and only involve the ‘rents if you need addresses.

    • Emily

      When we asked our parents if they wanted to invite anyone, they looked at us like we had 2 heads! It was so awkward, I was just like, “Well, I read somewhere that I should ask you, so there we go.” Moving on….
      Hope you get your lists soon!

  • pumpkinpicker

    If I tell you we don’t know what we’re doing about the food yet STOP INTERROGATING ME ABOUT THE FOOD (see also every other undecided detail).

    Also: no, I really am not going to show you a picture of the dress. Really really.

    • Amanda

      Omg yes. I have a friend who hounds me about the dress picture ALL. THE. TIME. Dude, you’ll see it when I walk down the aisle just like everyone else.

    • ART

      are you me? seriously. i am getting so many specific questions about the food. i’m like IT’S A FUCKING CATERED WEDDING, PEOPLE, WHAT DO YOU NORMALLY DO AT THAT SORT OF THING? DO THAT.

      also: “i know your invitation says it’s gravel and grass at the venue, but is it like little gravel or big dusty gravel? and is the grass going to be soggy? basically can you pick out my shoes for me?”

      it’s like they’ve never even been to a party before.

      • Peekayla

        That’s a smart thing to put on the invitation! I was hoping that they’d figure out what to wear when the venue line says “Warfield House & Inn at Valley View Farm,” but I probably shouldn’t assume. Do you mind telling me where you placed that little tidbit of information?

        • ART

          Sure, we included a flat card in the invitation that had a map on one side (the town we’re getting married in is not on most guests’ radar) and on the back, had some history about the venue (his parents’ property) and some details about what to expect, like that it would be hot but we’d provide shade and refreshments, what the grounds were like and a recommendation against stiletto-type heels, and a few tips about getting there (don’t take the crappy, poorly maintained county road that looks like a shortcut, you’ll be sorry), etc. We also directed them to our website for lodging info, etc.

          Then on the website, I posted all the same info but added to it with links to google driving directions from some of the main places our guests are coming from.

          Apparently it’s STILL NOT ENOUGH though :)

          • Peekayla

            Awesome! Thanks so much!

          • JDrives

            Dang, as a guest I would be SO THANKFUL for all of that helpful info! You have been a diligent and thoughtful host/ess, some people just need some major hand-holding.

        • ART

          also, that looks like a beautiful venue!

          • Peekayla

            Thanks! It is! I love that we can go and talk to the wedding coordinator there and then check out the animals and go for a hike =)

  • Janie D

    If you wanted to be my maid of honor, you should have at least PRETENDED TO BE THE SLIGHTEST BIT SUPPORTIVE WHEN WE GOT ENGAGED. I love you, and thank you for being my bridesmaid, but YOU’RE NOT MY MAID OF HONOR STOP TELLING PEOPLE YOU ARE. And after all the trash you’ve talked about the love of my life, you will give a speech at our wedding over MY DEAD BODY.

  • Anon

    haha, my fiance’s brother is pushing for a double wedding with us to save money. Hahahahahaha!

  • Eh

    The thing that upset me the most was people using our wedding to make a statement. My SIL (husband’s brother’s wife) was not happy about her wedding our how she was being treated by our in-laws so she decided to cause shit for us. She wouldn’t even talk directly to us; she would relay things through her husband/my BIL. For months we thought that the issue was just between my husband and his brother. Six weeks before our wedding we find out that she is mad with us about a laundry list that is at least two years long (including stuff that we thought was resolved and other stuff that we had never heard about). Shortly after that she found out that my husband supposedly said something rude about her at her wedding over a year earlier. It took my husband two weeks to get a hold of them to find out why they were upset so it was four weeks before our wedding before we even knew about this. My husband tried to arrange all of us to sit down and talk but the earliest that could happen was two weeks before our wedding and they even bailed on that meeting (they claim they forgot and made other plans). After our wedding we sat down with them and my SIL more or less said that my husband didn’t meet her expectations for their wedding so they put absolutely no effort into our wedding. This was really hurtful since my husband had put a lot of effort into their wedding (when he was a broke student working two jobs and lived an hour away without a car and he only found out he was best man about four months before the wedding and he had to plan a stag and doe) and some of the expectations they had were unrealistic (e.g., how can you yell at someone for not helping fold programs when you never asked them to help and they asked you if you needed help and you never mentioned that you needed help folding programs). She also accused me of not caring about causing her stress before her wedding so she didn’t care if she caused me stress. I pointed out that I did care about causing her stress and tried to relieve stress by asking where my husband needed to be and when, making sure he got there on time, and asking if we could help with anything. It’s been six months since our wedding and we are working things out with them but things that happened around our wedding are still causing problems in the family.

  • Amanda

    5 weeks out for us. We have 2 groomsmen who STILL have not gone to get their tux measurements done. How hard is it to go to Joseph Bank for what I’m assuming is a 15 minute thing? I’m about to call them both myself and say do it this weekend or else! Other than that, I’ve got my list of everything else I need to do, yet I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something?

    • Emily

      That niggling forgetful feeling drives me crazy! It literally keeps me up at night sometimes.

  • Ali

    A little late to the game, but can I put in a request to make this no-judgment wedding stress vent session an annual or semi-annual event? It seems like this is a safety valve that we all need!

    • Emily

      Seconded! Although, judging by the way above-average comment count thus far, it could stand to be a monthly thing!

      • Ariel

        I’m sure I’ll need to vent again next month!

  • Sarah

    I’m probably late to the party but I’m the crazy photographer who decided to book a bunch of weddings and engagement sessions right before and after my wedding. I don’t have a Saturday free until after the wedding. I’ve got boatloads of bottles to get labels off and we haven’t sent our invites yet and my MIL is SLOW so I probably won’t get her side of the family’s addresses until a week before the wedding. Oy vey.

  • Grr

    My dad, alongside kicking up a ton of fuss about everything else (we have a toxic relationship, he’s not invited), has started going after my fiance for ‘not getting his permission’.

    Let’s ignore the whole I’m nearing thirty thing and have been financially independent since nineteen (and was under constant threat of being kicked out years before then for the sin of getting grades below As) and it’s my own damn decision and ‘permission’ to marry this guy, but my fiance didn’t even traditionally ask, we talked about it together! We had a conversation about why I was seeming so down, and I admitted all my uncertainty about waiting for his proposal and being extremely stressed about future planning while that still hadn’t happened, and he asked me to marry him right then (twice, because I told him to shut up the first time). Turned out he’d just been completely lost and didn’t have a clue what to do about the ring and logic-locked himself and didn’t realize the stress on my end, and immediately talked about when he thought we should get married and pulled out the pictures he’d taken months before when riffling through my jewelry box and trying on all my rings ‘to find out size’.

    There’s no way in hell that adult conversation should have stopped so my fiance could ask my estranged father if I could pretty please marry him /fume

  • people are crazy

    Money issues and expectations mainly. Friends who are still single or in fledgling relationships who have NO IDEA how much weddings cost, but they have plenty of pinterest ideas! Like, I definitely need this super expensive videographer and photographer I hadn’t even thought about or else TACKY! Or I need a theme! And a super fancy expensive dress that costs more than my entire budget!

    I need them to stop pinterest-planning my wedding and making me feel frustrated about my tiny budget. And stop giving ridiculous advice like how I should drop hints to my future in-laws for money. First off, if we decide to ask, that’s FI’s domain. Secondly, my future in-laws are real people, and they are going to be my family. This ain’t a sitcom. I’d rather them not feel like we’re treating them like a checkbook, and have them enjoy the celebration. Friends are getting too caught up in the pretty wedding hype and not letting me enjoy the idea that I’m getting married to a wonderful person who fits me, and that his family rocks too.

  • Kathy

    This blog post literally saved my sanity – http://www.katemuehe.com/2013/07/17/wedding-wednesday-in-which-we-discuss-how-wedding-planning-is-like-a-slipn-slide/

    I happened to find it in the weeks leading up to the wedding and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. I printed the picture that’s at the end of the post and taped it to the inside of the “wedding binder” and I cracked up every time it happened to come into my view.

    Good luck to everyone on their approaching weddings. Don’t go down the slip ‘n slide! :)

    • JDrives

      I laughed aloud at my desk about this article – I was TOTALLY a Slip n Slide fiend as a kid!

  • anon for now

    I am 5 weeks out from my wedding and I have a situation developing that is making me crazy. My sister, who is also a bridesmaid, is making me miserable. About a month ago we had our typical fight. She provoked me, I reacted, she sulked, I said something I shouldn’t have. I apologized soon after, and later that day. Circumstances meant that we didn’t see each other for a little while and when I saw her again yesterday she was clearly still acting mad. I expected this, and knowing that it would be better for the situation, I chose to prepare. I went in calmly and rationally, apologized very sincerely and asked how she wanted to proceed and what I could to make it up to her. She won’t accept it. She is acting very offended. This is nothing new. It fits our pattern. What I said was ‘offensive’ but not to a fallout of this level. And in our dynamic she frequently says things to offend me or upset me and I rarely do.

    The problem is that she is supposed to be in my wedding party. My three sisters are bridesmaids and asking her to step down would only make things worse. She has a pattern of being subtly rude to whichever sister she is holding a grudge against; being cold and curt, not making eye contact, making wounded victim eyes, while being extra nice to others, and shutting out the offender. Historically my family has chosen to ignore this, turning a blind eye to the rudeness, asking the offender to be the better person, and not rocking the boat. The idea of this being the case on my wedding day, with one of my bridesmaids is making my stomach turn. I would rather have her not be there. But I don’t know if I would be supported at all if I make that choice. Any suggestions?

    • Emmers

      Ugh, I’m sorry. I guess decide whether it would stress you out more to have her stand up with you being bratty, or to not have her with you and deal with the fall out.
      And if you do have her with you, maybe you could try to minimize the time you spend with her on the day of the wedding. I’ve been a bridesmaid at 2 weddings– at one, I pretty much only hung out with the bride for pictures (and obviously standing up at the wedding, but that wasn’t really hanging out), and at another, we all got ready together. So if you know she’s going to be a jerk, maybe you can just have her stand up and be in pics.
      And maybe you can also clue in a kind friend/sister or two that this stresses you out, and ask them to distract you/distract her by keeping her in conversation, and protect you.
      That really sucks. I’m rooting for you!

    • AG

      Second the idea of maybe keeping her as a bridesmaid, but not spending the day with her. One other thing to keep in mind – your wedding day will most likely be MUCH happier than even you are expecting. I was worried about several things in the weeks leading up to our wedding, and my difficult sister-in-law (who was also a bridesmaid) was one of them. I worried about her causing drama the day of the wedding while we got ready, I thought about what I would have to say to her. What I didn’t consider is the fact that when it came down to it, I barely noticed and I definitely didn’t care. I was happy, and surrounded by people that I love and who love me, and her being a pain was her problem, not mine. Of course, if you decide that you definitely don’t want her by your side, maybe talk to your other sisters for support in how to go about asking her to step down?

  • Heather

    I am currently feeling crazed about trying on wedding dresses and finding one at a price point that won’t make me feel guilty for the rest of my life…. Every time I try to lean towards a non-traditional short wedding dress, I get the raised eye brow…Also the caterer just sent me a list of questions ranging from event flow, to dessert forks, and chair colors. items I hadn’t even thought about-i know the caterer is just doing their job but isn’t there a standard chair color and dessert fork?!?!

    • ypi

      I’m not sure if you like their style, but J.Crew has some lovely affordable dresses. AND they sell a lot of overstock to Ebay- so I was able to find my dress for a little over $200, new with tags. It really helped my stress over spending.

    • Bella

      Modcloth has some great dresses too, and very affordable. I’m planning to buy an affordable and non-traditional coloured dress, so I feel you on the raised eyebrows!

      • Heather

        Thx Bella! I’ll def. Chk out modcloth.

    • June

      Also, can I put a vote in for consignment? The shop that sold my dress bought it discontinued from another bridal store. It has never been worn – if that’s an issue for you. You can find some great things. I bought mine at Clever Brides Consignment in MA and I love it! Best of luck, wherever you are.

      • Heather

        Thank you June! That is a great idea. I have heard a few people mention that they got their dress consignment and loved it. I did a search in my area and there is a store that specializes in wedding dress consignment. Thanks again!

  • academical9

    Wow did I need this. With family thousands of miles and an ocean away, my mom feels simultaneously guilty about not helping and worried that her friends and family won’t be there, so everything she touches becomes 100% more stressful, takes twice as long and is 50% more expensive. My fiance has repeatedly said how much “he can’t wait for it to be over” and has been planning to do “wedding stuff” every weekend for at least 6 weeks, but since he’s been in charge of buying the flat that closed on Saturday, I can’t really be mad that he has done nothing in months. But with a wedding less than 3 months away, no help from anyone, plus buying and furnishing our first house, plus, oh yeah, a couple of extremely uncertain post-wedding careers, I can’t help but be frustrated with the “but these are good problems!” response. I know – I know it will be ok, I know these are first world problems, I’m just a little overwhelmed right now.

  • laurabird

    The fiance and I recently realized that there might be a slight flaw in our reasoning for the timing of the wedding. He told me long before we were engaged that he didn’t want to get married without his brother there, who is currently in jail. (Great guy, really good at making money selling drugs, actually working as a fire fighter while he’s in, which is kind of badass.) He’ll be out next July, so September 2015 it is!

    But what if he can’t leave the state? We’re getting married in our new home, Seattle, and he’s in California. I’m terrified that the whole reason we’re waiting that long is going to be completely moot, and we’ll either have to deal with him not making it, or get married in California, where we really, really, really don’t want to.

    The fiance is supposed to be trying to find out this week, but I don’t even know if we’ll be able to get an answer before he’s actually out and they figure out parole and everything. I don’t want to go forward with any plans till we know, so I’m in this weird holding pattern feeling that is giving me anxiety stomach aches.

    • Anon

      Good luck! Jail stuff is so tough. My guy and I dealt with something similar, and it took about a year and a few months for him to get off of supervised probation– meaning, he was released on an ankle monitoring bracelet for a few months, and not allowed to leave his city except for work, and then about a year later finally was able to leave the state.

      This was on the east coast, so you may want to check into California probation, to see how long it typically takes (which I’m sure you’re doing).

      If he has a really kind probation officer, they may let him leave just for your wedding, but obviously that’s subject to a lot of whims. And I’m sorry for your anxiety stomach aches. I’ve had many of those. It’s wonderful that you’re being so supportive of his brother– that makes such a difference! It sounds like you guys are really good family. Thinking of you, and hoping your wedding plans work out well, and calmly.

      • laurabird

        Thank you so much. That actually helped calm my nerves about it a little.

        I just thought how I would feel if he were fighting with me to plan a wedding my sister couldn’t attend. I couldn’t do that to him. Now, if someone told me *my* brother couldn’t be there… well that’s an entirely different story.

        Speaking of which, any idea how to talk to a narcissistic, manic depressive, alcoholic asshole who makes every conversation about him, while simultaneously telling me all my decisions are terrible? Kindness doesn’t work, patience doesn’t work, honesty with a grain of salt doesn’t work, harsh honesty doesn’t work. All I want to do is show our text conversations to my parents so they understand why I don’t enjoy having him be a part of my life, but then I’ll just be a tattle-tale little brat.

        I have an amazing sister, the best parents a girl could ask for, a killer brother in law, and even an awesome little nephew. There has to be one in every family, right? No one could be that lucky.

        Sorry, this tangent-y rant brought to you by the first conversation with my brother since I got engaged, which was also shitty. And yet, it’s all par for the course with him.

        • Jess

          “but then I’ll just be a tattle-tale little brat.” At this point, no. You won’t. You will be an adult making a stand to say that this adult human being chooses to speak to you in a way that is not healthy for you to be around.

  • mackenzie

    I had it so bad in the days leading up to our wedding that I ended up with a case of “stress spotting.” Nothing like a little surprise period, of sorts, to make you fell like a total crazy lady.

  • mackenzie

    I think my final crazy-making moment was when I was asked how I wanted the napkins folded. OMG, I HAVE TO CARE ABOUT THAT, TOO? And then the caterer sent me a pdf of a zillion different ways that the napkins could be folded (flat, mind you). And then I just gave up. I had no more opinions in me.

    • AG

      For me it was calligraphy style. I just started telling the vendors to choose.

    • JDrives

      Is there someone you can delegate these zillion minor decisions to as you get closer to the date? I hear you on the decision fatigue cuz seriously, you can only give so much of a damn before you burn out.

  • Adair

    For me, it’s been tough to discover that less than half of the people we invited are actually going to come. Because of various circumstances (I live in a different state from my family and bridesmaids; my fiance, sweet person though he is, lives a days drive away and isn’t American, so has no idea what goes into an American wedding), I’ve planned 95% of the wedding all by myself, while working on my master’s degree and building my freelance business. It’s been a stressful and isolating experience, and the fact that most people aren’t even going to be there at the finish line with me was an unpleasant surprise. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I feel bitter that I didn’t get any of the community aspects that come with a wedding: bridal shower, bachelorette party, dress shopping, DIY parties, just people even listening and caring about an important life event. I’ve seen variations of the phrase “you can’t plan a wedding by yourself” on essentially every wedding site, so I’m not sure where that leaves me. I guess I just need to finish my thesis, graduate (one week before the wedding), and suck it up!

  • Anon

    One month out, and all of a sudden I’ve decided that I care about what I weigh (right after I eat my next meal). This is on me, but it’s also on everyone who’s said, “oh, are you worried about the dress fitting?” I wasn’t, but now I am.

    • Lily

      oh god, I had a stress dream about exactly this the other night and couldn’t get back to sleep. I am SO OVER wedding stress dreams. I never thought I would be the kind of bride *literally* losing sleep over wedding details.

  • Rachel M

    This is easily the best thread on APW to date. I’m 8 days out from my wedding and I feel like the walls are caving in. It’s like the to do list is longer than I expected and I have this thing – called a full time job – and this other thing – called a toddler. Both make it pretty impossible to get sh*t done. It also doesn’t help that, like Lucy, I have a bunch of specific crafty projects that I don’t trust to delegate, so on my plate they sit.

  • Sarah

    I am 15 days out now, and this thread brought me some serious joy. My (generally exceedingly helpful equal-partner-in-planning) fiance actually said this sentence two days ago: “So wait – we’re doing dancing after dinner??” Head, exploded.

    • Sarah

      That, and the apparent incapacity I have for actually delegating. All of my delegatees keep coming back to me with questions like “what kind of cupcake liners would you like?” Me: “I would love it if you would choose them. I trust your judgement. Thank you.” Them: “OK. What colors do you want?” Me: “But… you do it.” Them: “Ok. Here are 20 links. Which ones do you like best?” Me: aaahhghh.

      Totally totally appreciate all the help. But… just, do the thing.

      • Lily

        It doesn’t sound like you have an incapacity for delegating — your people have an incapacity to be delegated to!!

  • EvilPrincess

    I could not have found this post at a better time. I just finalized all the details and the layout at the venue yesterday and I am officially STRESSED OUT. Our theme, also, is “HEY WERE GETTING MARRIED”. it’s going to be insanity. I can’t wait.

  • paige

    I so needed this post (though I’m a few days late in commenting). We are 2 1/2 weeks out from our wedding and I don’t have one specific thing I need to vent about other than OH MY GOSH I HATE WEDDING PLANNING CAN WE PLEASE BE DONE IT IS KILLING ME!! I cannot wait to marry my fiancé – I love him and he is amazing and has been nothing but patient and understanding through these many months… but the wedding part is gonna be the death of me. OH. MY. GOSH. I want to break something. I am so ready to be done with this. I feel like a pressure cooker that is about to explode – just from all the decisions and details and things people keep asking me (WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY COLORS ARE) and can we please just go on our honeymoon now thankyouverymuch.

    OK rant over… for the moment.

  • Jubebride

    BUDGET and MOTHER-IN-LAW
    More exactly, my soon-to-be mother-in-law is completely blowing my budget out of the water! I love her and she is totally great and all of her ideas are super fun and amazing but… so far, she has add a last minute: candy bar, s’mores bar, photo-booth and DYI aisle runner. This is on top of the hand made programs, wedding signs, welcome bags and favors that we “had to have!”
    My mother passed away a few years ago and I am really close to my mother-in-law. I don’t want to make her upset or feel like I am not grateful for all of the hard work she has put into this wedding but at some point this has to end. I am spending every minute of my free time working on this wedding (and every dime) and I just need a break!

  • hayley

    People are going to go nuts when they see my blue not white dress !!

  • hayley

    Plus if one more person asks me am I loosing weight for the wedding I will scream !!

  • Kelly

    I’m late to this griping. BUT. What I didn’t know about the pre-wedding week is that all of those normal life things you normally have to do? You still have to do them! Where oh where is the little wedding elf that will pack me healthy lunches, do the dishes, and do laundry so I don’t go commando to the rehearsal dinner?

  • Kae

    I’m feeling the “death by a thousand cuts” feeling right now…I have two jobs (one is client-based work so it’s in and out, but just one more thing), the wedding, AND a move to England (from Canada) to plan, in addition to all the day-to-day stuff. Today has in it: trying to get an out-of-town person on my liquor permit, trying to put my foot down with my landlords giving me 24 hours’ notice if they’re showing my unit, and FINALLY trying to write our vows (over FaceTime). I can’t wait for all this to be wrapped up! Party time please.