Should I Convert So His Parents Will Come to the Wedding?

chuppah at an outdoor wedding

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and have been talking about getting engaged and married within the next year or so. The problem is, he was raised Jewish and both of his parents are very religious (they keep kosher, strictly observe the Sabbath and holidays, etc.) and neither he nor I are religious at all. His parents know that I am not Jewish, which is going to be more of a problem for them as our relationship progresses.

When we first started dating, I told my boyfriend that I was open to considering conversion (since I don’t care about religion at all, if converting to Judaism would make things easier with his parents then that was fine with me). However, in researching the conversion process, I realized it is much more involved than just saying to a rabbi, “Ok, I want to be Jewish now,” and so I have taken conversion off the table. I would have to take at least a year’s worth of classes, meet with a rabbi, live kosher, and other requirements that I don’t feel comfortable taking on if I am not actually intending to live a Jewish life post-conversion.

I’ve talked to my boyfriend and explained the reasons above why I don’t think conversion is the right choice. He understands, but told me that if I’m not Jewish when we get married, that his parents won’t attend the wedding. If I am Jewish but the ceremony isn’t performed by an orthodox rabbi, they won’t attend. If it’s not in Hebrew, they won’t attend. While I’m not sure that he’s not exaggerating about those points, I am sure that if they do attend the wedding that they will likely be a source of negativity during our “big day.”

My question is, how do we resolve this situation? We would have to hold the wedding on a Sunday (which I don’t love but would be willing to do to appease his parents). Obviously I am unwilling to convert to please them. Since neither my boyfriend nor myself is religious in the slightest, having the ceremony performed by a rabbi is out of the question. How do we make them happy (so that their negativity doesn’t affect our wedding)?

—Anonymous Shiksa

A:

Dear AS,

I hate when I have to be the bad guy. But I’m gonna be the bad guy. You probably can’t do anything to make your in-laws happy.

Even if you did everything on your partner’s bullet list. Even if you converted. Even still, you’re not religious people, and his parents wish you were. They’re probably deeply concerned about assimilation, about the loss of their Jewish practices (and frankly, that’s what’s happening after all). So you could try, you know? Add this or that in an attempt to appease them (maybe incorporate a rabbi or some Hebrew into the ceremony without that being the only part), but there’s a good chance they’ll never be happy. They want you (and their son) to be practicing in the orthodox tradition, and you just aren’t those people.

Rather than trying to figure out what you can do to smooth this over, you and your partner have to determine if it’s okay with you that it can’t be smoothed. You guys are both signing on for this—you’re marrying into this family, and he’s making a clear step away from his parents’ faith, forcing them to acknowledge that he already doesn’t practice the way they wished. It probably won’t be cozy from here on out. After this, it’ll be disagreements about holidays, raising possible children, and on and on. Marriage is a long road, and this is only the beginning.

Are you both alright with that? If so, you need to start from a place of respectfully accommodating their beliefs, even if you won’t be adopting them yourselves. That means, for example, having the wedding on a Sunday since they won’t be able to attend on a Saturday. More than that, it’ll be on you to learn something about that culture, even if it’s not your own. (For example, if you don’t know why a Saturday wedding isn’t possible for them, now’s the time to ask.)

But I do have a quick question. Your partner is listing all these things his parents will want at the wedding—does he want them? I’m only going off of an email here, but it sounds like he’s making these demands into your responsibility, for you to okay or veto (not cool). He’s not a particularly religious guy—is he really okay with incorporating all of this? Does he think this pressure will end at the wedding day? How does he feel about the clear strain this will put on his relationship with his parents and their community? It sounds like he might be turning a blind eye to just how deep some of these divisions go, and how they will affect his life. That’s not something you want your partner realizing a year or two into forever.

There’s a point where you have to live your own life. And for your partner, that means deciding how much of his parents’ faith he wants to incorporate into his life, or coming to grips with their absence if he opts not to. For you, it means deciding if you’re willing to sign on for this tension.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO ASK APW A QUESTIONPLEASE DON’T BE SHY! IF YOU WOULD PREFER NOT TO BE NAMED, ANONYMOUS QUESTIONS ARE ALSO ACCEPTED. (THOUGH IT REALLY MAKES OUR DAY WHEN YOU COME UP WITH A CLEVER SIGN-OFF!)

H/T to Meg for collaborating on this post, Using her experiance as a convert to Judaism

This Is One Way I Deal With Stress

apw-x-rescue-remedy

rescue rememdy and i did my best coffee tumblr

I have anxiety.

Not like “sometimes I get tense” (though for years I thought that was the case). No. I have generalized anxiety disorder. GAD presents various ways for various people, but I’ve experienced everything from constant lung-crushing anxiety, to panic attacks, to crippling anxiety spikes out of the blue, to post-partum anxiety, to phobias, to extreme anxiety around specific topics (hey, money!).

No Shame Game

Though anxiety is a profoundly stigmatized topic in our culture, I have no particular shame about talking or treating my anxiety…. because hey. Some of us are just wired differently, and that’s totally okay.

While I’ve spent most of my life dealing with anxiety in various forms, I’ve only spent the last handful of years really working on self-care. After years of struggle, I’ve realized that I don’t have to try to struggle through my anxiety alone, and that there are a ton of resources available to help me out. So I use them all: I take meds, I go to therapy, I talk openly with friends and loved ones about anxiety, I recently tried hypnotherapy (which was awesome). And I also use alternative treatments… because when it comes to anxiety, I will enthusiastically embrace anything that works.

rescue remedy stress relief

Rescue Remedy to the…Rescue

So when Maddie came to me to ask if I wanted to write “about this stress relief product I’ve never heard of, Rescue?” I was delighted, because I’ve been using Rescue Remedy for more than a decade, and I love it. Rescue is an over-the-counter holistic stress solution that was developed over eighty years ago, whose sole purpose is to help you stay calm when you need it. And since it’s made from flower essences, it is both mild and non-habit forming.* But the bottom line? It’s always worked phenomenally well for me.

Early in November (not realizing what a profoundly stressful time this month would be for so many of us), I packed Rescue Remedy in my bag as I got ready to take an international trip involving five flights, as a phobic flyer. What I did not know is that my husband was about to unintentionally take my experiment up a notch by forgetting to pack the anti-anxiety meds I normally take for travel. CUE PANIC AND FREAK OUT. Leaving me with just a bottle of Rescue Remedy and baby cuddles to calm me.

So once we got past a terrified mini argument, I sprayed Rescue Remedy under my tongue at takeoff, the familiar taste and smell immediately grounding me. But when we hit the worst turbulence of my life off the coast of Canada in the middle of the night (fun time to forget meds!), and I took Rescue sleep aid in desperation, I was shocked to find that it really helped. The knife edge of my anxiety dulled, and… I went to sleep. Blessed, bumpy sleep.

Self-Care Is Not Just For Other People

I’ve written on and off about anxiety over the years on APW, because I think it’s important to talk about something stigmatized, without giving into shame. I think it’s important to model the fact that you can experience awful anxiety and panic attacks, and still go on to do big things with your life.

But most of all, I think it’s vitally important for women to model self-care for other women. Particularly when it comes to issues as stigmatized as mental health care, or just taking care of ourselves in stressful situations. Because if there is one thing society has taught me, it’s that I should just be able to power through. That I shouldn’t need childcare help, or a shoulder to cry on, or medication for anxiety, or a moment to take a time out, or any form of basic self-care. That I should be able to suck it up, and do it all (and get some sort of medal for refusing help).

And that’s a lie. Frankly, a lie the patriarchy has come up with to keep us down. (Because I’ve never seen men holding back on self-care, whether it’s poker nights or Sports Center or just getting a damn sitter already.)

rescue remedy stress relief

So this (incredibly stressful) holiday season, I’m going to be keeping my bottle of Rescue Remedy in my pocket. And in those moments where I need to ground myself, or take a five second time out, I’ll take it out, give myself a little spray… and breathe.

acbc6016216403985963e22a96bcbad7-1

This post was sponsored by Rescue, maker of the original Rescue Remedy. Rescue Remedy is a blend of five flower essences, specially formulated to help you mellow out during times of stress. The Rescue formula includes Rock Rose for confidence and composure, Impatiens for patience and tolerance, Clematis for focus and motivation, Star of Bethlehem for comfort and reassurance, and Cherry Plum for self-control and stability. Click here to find a local Rescue retailer near you (spoiler alert, you can totally get it on Amazon too).

*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease.